Earlier this week Sean sent me a fb message which i have yet and probably will not respond to.
He received the birthday card and letter I sent and wanted to thank me. He's so happy I thought of him. He can't believe it took two months to reach him. He wants to email me immediately and i don't know, thank me some more or tell me me about his life
Of all the weeks for this damn letter to come back and bite me in the ass this is not the week. So much is happening in my life right now. So many things are changing. I am changing. And the one person who has the ability to halt change is Sean.
I am settling into my adorable apartment quite well. My mom bought me a crock-pot which i am googling recipes for as i type. I quit Barnes and Noble. I have a new crush on a boy with a lame tattoo. I have longer hair. I am no where near happy but damnit if i am not excited about the changes in my life. I have been sick this week so I took today off to drink tea and eat soup and read Harry Potter. Without furniture the studio is spacious and i danced and lounged while it rained outside.
Today I was happy. My life is simple and small but it makes me happy.
And then Sean sent me a message and any of the comfort i have felt these last few weeks were obliterated. I am not going to lie there isn't a day where Sean doesn't cross my thoughts I think of what i wanted. What i expected from him and what i ultimately did not get. I replay our relationship over and over again. Sometimes from the beginning but mainly from where we left it off: i tell him i can't be in his life anymore the way he wants me too. He responds "i got you sand from another country". There has been radio silence since July.
Sending him a birthday card and letter was probably a mistake. But I couldn't help myself. For someone who has treated me like i wasn't worthy of his time I wanted to do something nice. I wanted him to know that I still cared and remembered his birthday. And the letter i wrote was sincere and kind and heartfelt. I wished him a happy birthday. I wished him well on the high seas. I told him i wished we were more honest with one another because when we were it made me happy.
I gave him more than he ever deserved and i don't think he'll understand how much of a toll that took on me. There is nothing worse than giving your best and someone still telling you that it isn't enough. So while a part of me has been waiting and wanting for Sean to establish contact the other part is tired of being the girl who waits. Not romantically for Sean to get his shit together but emotionally and mentally as a human being.
I am not ready to talk to Sean. I may never be ready to talk to Sean. He is still the same person who told me that I was nothing in compared to his great and amazing girlfriend. At this precise moment as i waver between responding back or just ignoring him, I can only surmise that nothing good will come of it. I worry that he is a jinx. That things have been going so well because i haven't looked back. And i fear that if i do, if i respond to Sean, if i open up the channel of communication that all of my progress these last few months will be as wasteful as his promises.
And truth if it is my happiness or his on the line, mine is more important and more valuable.
The amount of changes that have occurred in the last 3 weeks are astounding and if ever is the time to be take note of the signs the universe is throwing my way...now is it.
I moved into my new place last Wednesday and outside of commuting, which i fucking loathe :as a person who is perpetually on time, I cannot understand why trains and buses aren't on time. Okay, i can give some leeway for buses; but traiiiiiins?! come on, i absolutely adore the new place. It's the size of a studio apartment sans the kitchen. I have a actual refrigerator and cabinet to store food. There is a built in bookshelf and a reading nook. I have alcove ceilings and in the morning there is so much light that comes in through my five windows! five! I am in love with my new home. I have a home.
Combined with my new home (a huge big change), I finally put in my two weeks notice at Barnes and Noble last night. Now that I no longer work there i can retire the Le Sad Store title. I've gone back and forth on this decision for months. The extra money is nice, I like working around books and my friends are there. That''s what i have been telling myself this past year. But honestly, I only work 2 days a week so I am not pulling in that much money. I like being around books but working around them is actually soul sucking. People continually butcher titles and authors names. I do not deal with customers who enjoy book, more often than not, the people i help hate the books they are their to buy. Also, not many people I know work there anymore. Compared to last year I actually feel like a newbie at BN or worse like a fifth year senior. The place is the same, the shit i put up with is the same but the people who made it bearable are no longer there. They got better jobs, they moved, the simply quit. I lingered.
So after a really rough and ugly night at the store on Monday (my new manager is incompetent and let another manager take the fall for a mistake he made) I decided to jump ship. I have put up with a lot at that store but now that I don't work there often, my friends are all gone, and the commute is awful, I can not justify stay there. I just cannot. So i let one of my managers know yesterday and I in a few short weeks I will no longer be a bookseller.
I've applied to some part time jobs closer to my house in hopes that I can make up the 2 shifts i am losing at BN. If all else fails, I can also take up some hours at the University I work for. Regardless this is a decision that was hard to make but has made me happy. I hate that place. I am starting to dislike most of my employees and seriously commuting at night is the pits! The train home smelled like beer and piss.
Two very big life changes have happened so quickly that I am starting to get the feeling that I am doing okay. Whatever trench/ black hole/ desolate space I resided in this past year has suddenly opened it's door and let me out. Decision making and executing plans and putting things into motion has given me purpose. I am a person again. I am a person and there is something liberating about it. Scary as hell but liberating.
Today is the day I quit Barnes and Noble once and for all. I'm a few months shy of when I originally planned to but this decision is a long time coming. Now that I'm living in a different town the commute combined with my general unhappiness there solidified my decision. Last night I experienced one of the most disastrous closes of my time there and at this rate i'd rather jump ship then stay any longer. I have a bunch of vacation time to utilize which will hopefully save me from being completely broke. I'm nervous as hell cause I don't really have a plan B but when the time is right the time is right. I will no longer be a bookseller. My life continues to change at an accelerated speed.
Six days ago my landlady dropped a bombshell on me. She and her daughter are moving to Connecticut. End of September. Less than 3 weeks notice. This is some illegal ass shit and needless to say I am more than pissed.
However my industrious nature has payed off. A friend and I checked out a place yesterday and it was great. A small efficiency (a studio without a kitchen) with a private bath and entrance from the main cottage style house in a small college town nearby.
Six days. Six whole days. I lost a place and gained a place. My current landlady, the one who put me in this jam, is being a total turd and refuses to give me my deposit until i am completely moved out of the room i occupy now. This is unacceptable. She gave me less than a months notice. She sprung this shit on me out of nowhere and now she won't give me back the deposit I need so i can move. My mom says I should take her to court (but nothing was signed when i moved in), My friends think i should 'beat her ass' which has crossed my mind every night this week.
Instead I've opted to move out this Monday. My new landlady wants someone to occupy the space as soon as possible and while i was hoping to have more time to go through my stuff, I want and need my money back from the lady i rent from now. If i move out Monday she owes me my deposit and half of Septembers rent which I paid for days before she told me the news.
I have never been more stressed in my life. Between packing and taking extra shifts at work and searching for a place and seeing places I am a little worn out. I haven't admitted this to anyone. I do not know how to accept help. I have never known how to accept it because I fear being a burden on people. It is my worst fear since i was a kid. But this time around I haven't had much choice but to accept a little bit of help. A friend from work drove me to the place yesterday. Kat and her boyfriend will help me move on Monday. My mom has all but given me all of firsts month rent to live in this place. My friend Justin offered to bring my packed lunches if i can't afford food the first few weeks. My cousin is giving me his old dresser.
The amount of support I have gotten in such a sort time has overwhelmed me. I worry about being lovable. I think I am incapable of it. And this week, though I haven't asked for much help, the people in my life have gone above and beyond to do so. I can't even comprehend why but they have. And it means more to me than they will ever know.
Hopefully the clusterfuck of this situation will come to a close soon. My new 'studio' has a built in bookshelf and a reading nook and five large windows. I've been asking for a change for such a long time I guess I needed a bit of a push.
It's weird how quickly things can go from marginally okay to a complete and utter shit show. I am simply amazed by this swiftness. Thanks life. Thanks a lot.
The last few days/weeks/months have been okay. I wouldn't go so for as to say they were great but okay suffices. Post Chicago vacation was filled with a lot of loneliness and contemplation. I liked being new in Chicago and returning to my life here where everything reminds me of the small failures was tough.
I wanted to quit Le Sad Store as soon as I got back from vacation but the extra money helps and after the disaster that was my last interview I couldn't risk living off of a part time paycheck. So I am still there though only 2 or 3 times a week. Even still the shifts are excruciating. There use to be a time when I loved going to the store, now I can't even stomach my four hour shifts which i spend mostly sulking in the aisle.
Then Sean's birthday rick-rolled around and what i haven't told anyone is that despite the two months of radio silence (absolutely no contact) since I emailed him and his father, i sent him a birthday card and have been waiting patiently for some recognition of my kind gesture. The radio silence is hard i'm not going to lie. I don't miss fighting with Sean. I don't miss feeling insignificant. I don't miss wondering what our relationship was. I don't miss any of that.
But i do miss what i wanted from us and it's hard to stop missing him during those moments of loneliness. You realize that choices, whether they are yours or someone else's, have a ripple effect. Him joining the Navy, getting engaged, being deployed has all but excluded me from his life. Or rather the life i wanted to build with him. As I struggle often with simple day to day stuff: remembering to take my stupid vitamins, gathering groceries, planning weekend activities, trying to get a full time job, I often wonder if they'd be easier with him around. It's stupid i know but i am not above admitting this to myself.
I am someone who wants to divvy up the responsibility for once. I am independent. I am resourceful. I am clever. But shouldering everything alone is starting to wear thin. It's wearing thin. And there is a part of me that is angry at Sean for giving me a false sense that he was a person who could take some of the weight off. I thought he was Relief but then he abandoned me.
Regardless, I sent him a birthday card weeks before I went to Chicago because I knew it could take weeks to get to him. I wanted him to have something as I expected he'd get nothing from his girl or family. The day his birthday rolled around I knew the card hadn't reached him but i didn't send him an email or post facebook well wishes. I refused to do so. A few weeks after his birthday I got a notification from the post office that he'd received his card and I, stupidly, was expecting him to thank me for thinking of him despite everything. He hasn't. Not a two word thank you email. Nada. Nothing. I regret sending it. I regret the words i wrote. I regret the sentiment behind it all. Most of all, I regret still expecting him to be the relief, after everything.
Outside of Sean and Le Sad store, the job on the university has been going great except for the problems arising with the guy I work with. I knew this guy from Le Sad Store and he is uber nice and cool. About a year ago he quit the bookstore because he was having issues with a manager and was in desperate need for a job. Despite Kat warning me that he could be a lazy worker I got him in touch with my boss who hired him soon after. Now, it's just the two of us in the office. He works the morning shift and I work the afternoon one. We only see each other for about 15 minutes a day but of course we are friendly because we are friends. I think this kid is awesome and talented and smart. Every weekend a group of us from Le Sad Store grab food and gossip, He is always invited because he is well liked by everyone. But as an employee he is so lazy it is starting to effect his work.
He's messed up a few jobs this summer that I have had to re-do and I keep getting complaints from professors and administrators about his lack of attention to detail. Recently I have been getting an influx of jobs in the afternoon because people don't want him to do their print jobs. I usually get out of work around 6 now because of the demand for me to print things. I don't mind the work. I like having everyone's trust but Alex and I are getting paid the same amount for work he isn't doing. Plus he sometimes picks up extra shifts on our other campus because he has a car and can get there. So in fact he may be getting more money despite the lackluster work he does on our campus.
It's very frustrating and recently he came to me because he can't work Mondays and wants me to work his shift. Which i don't mind. He offered to take one of my shifts to make up for the one he will lose but in doing so i realized that I may end up losing a lot of hours because of this. And I can't lose anymore money.
So this has been my life for the last month or so. I am managing. And it hasn't all been bad. The end of summer was pleasant and cool. I have the weekends off now and spend it with Kat at parks and museums or with my Aunt in the city. I am taking a literature class and am so happy about reading and writing papers again. I changed up my look recently, opting to get hair extensions, and feel and look like a brand new me with a new bob that is the color of an autumn leaf. I may have a potential office crush as well. His name is Dan. He has tattoos. He really like burritos. We've only talked about burritos but he's super cute. And he's tatted!
I am managing. Despite all the changes. I am managing. But the newest change has me anxious as fuck. Since leaving my aunts apartment, I've been renting a room in a really nice house in my area. It's a sweet gig. Sort of a dorm room like living situation but great because i have a lot of privacy. My landlady and her daughter are nice and friendly but keep to themselves. The house cat has pretty much adopted me and I am close to both jobs. I've been there for 3 years and have never had a problem.
Saturday Kat came by to pick me up so we could head to a booksale nearby. As soon as I get to the door, my landlady comes rushing out of her room asking if she can talk to me for a moment. Of course I am a little anxious because she looked so serious. Apologetically she tells me she has to sell the house we are all living in because she is having a problem with the man who owns it. The house is old and needs a lot of repairs that she cannot afford and she has decided to move into an apartment in Connecticut with her daughter.
I almost cried. If i didn't have such an aversion to crying in front of people I would have bawled. I've been wanting to move out for a while. I am not going to lie. At 28 I want my own space. Living at my current place has been awesome except for the fact that it isn't my house. I've had people over, mainly Sean, but it's always been a tad bit uncomfortable. I have access to the kitchen and laundry room but I feel comfortable in my room (which has a mini fridge and microwave) that I barely leave my room when i'm there.
Eventually I want my own place, even if it's just a studio, I want to come home to my own little oasis, throw my pants on the floor and dance freely. But realistically i can't afford that now. Realistically i can afford being a person in a spare room. And now that everything around me seems to be changing, I guess i was counting on my home life to stay the same. I needed it to. So i have not been taking the news well not even because i am terribly attached to where i live.
I hate having to look for a place. I hate the idea of having to adjust to someplace new and if roommates are involved, someone new. I hate the process of packing and moving. Of deciding what stays and what go's. I go on auto-pilot when tasks are in front of me. Soon after the news i went the bookstore with Kat and searched for places online while i browsed books. When i got home I immediately started throwing stuff out and packing. I do not have time to focus on the emotional aspects of what is going on. I need a place to live and the urgency brings out my industrious nature.
However the moments when my brain isn't frenzied over packing and scheduling appointments I am sad and anxious about where I am going to live and how i will adjust. I am freaked out by another change that could not wait until I was ready. I am tired of everything lately and wish that things would just stay as the are, stay the same, until i can catch my breath.
I'm 26, I guess i have a lot to say but sometimes I cannot find the right words to say them, so i write it all down,hoping that putting it down in words will make life a little easier. Currently I am trying to graduate from the socially awkward girl that I am. A girl who still can't talk to guys without getting nervous and who trips almost everyday over her own feet.But i am beginning to fall in love with life again, that has to mean something.