Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Come Undone.

...only to cancel Vday plans with me an hour before I am supposed to show up at his house.

I am done.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Place to Belong

Matt wants to hang out on Valentine's Day.

I honestly have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Exceptions to the Rule.

This morning I woke up super late and had to rush my shower and breakfast.

I feel bloated and gross so I destroyed my apartment trying to find something to wear only to settle on a shirt that I will indeed sweat in during the day. 

When I got to work, I misjudged a turn in the parking lot and scratched my car on a big white pillar. There is now this awful scratch on the passenger side which i'm sure I can wash out but  I am just so annoyed. This is the second minor accident i've had that has involved myself and something other than another vehicle.

Of course I blame my frazzled morning to my shenanigans with Matt these past three days. Per his request we spent Sunday  having our "serious" conversation. He told me that he cares about me and doesn't want to see me hurt in anyway. He likes who I am and is happy that we have been able to reconnect and have this "friendship". He called me his best friend which was a little unnerving since I don't generally have friendships like this with a boy. Or anyone.

And then we spent the next 7 hours talking about our favorite and intimacy. Because letting your friend know how well  you are at oral sex is super normal. Right? I don't think Matt knows what he wants if I can be honest. It is obvious that we get along and have a bond and are attracted to archetypes of each other. But he seems very hesitant to pursue anything further than that. He'll say something that will make me think he wants to try "us" out only to follow it up with a comment like "i don't really date short girls" or "i just don't think women find me interesting". I will of course follow that up with a "I find you interesting" "what's wrong with a short girl" comment which is met with silence and a deflection some how.

On Monday we got in this insane argument because I called him out on his "dating rules". He seems determined to push women away because of his many insecurities bubbling at the surface. And of course because I am interested in hooking up with this boy, it can be a little disheartening for him to tell me he doesn't know if he'll ever find we have these incredibly intimate and nice moments of companionship. And outside of his dumb "i don't generally date short girl' comments I can't imagine the boy isn't attracted to me based on all the other attributes he said he is attracted to.

But he is holding me at a distance. His arms are stretched and his hand is on my chest figuratively, keeping me at bay. And I don't understand why. So I asked him on Monday what his deal was. I asked him what he wanted (not from me) but just in general. And he gave me a vague list of shitty answers:

"My preferences for who i want to date are much flexible, mostly because i can't figure out why i like or want what i like" 

"My rules only touch the world of sex and dating when I have to weigh them against potential work/life conflicts"

 He stressed that if he has reservations about a girl he is interested in, he has to make sure she was worth making an exception for. He annoyingly brought up a work example from our bookstore days. He doesn't date co-workers (as a rule) but he was interested in this super attractive girl who worked there for maybe a month. He said he would have made an exception for her because he was physically and emotionally attached to her.

He followed this shit example with another shit example. There was a girl at work who was interested in him and she asked him if he ever thought about dating her. And he told her she was too short and he never considered dating her because of that alone. Fucking Hell! Of course I was a little perplexed by his example only because it seemed like a cop-out. The other girl only worked there a month, so how could he develop this intense emotional and physical attraction so quickly to make an exception for her while totally shooting down the other girl based on....height.

I told him i think his rules are stupid (because I was annoyed at this point)  and that attraction and lust and liking someone shouldn't be as mechanical as going down a checklist and choosing what you are willing to put up with and aren't. And then I ignored him the rest of the night where he failed miserably to try and explain himself.

The next morning (Tuesday) I finally answered him and said that his mixed signals could make a girl go from liking him to being exhausted in her pursuit of him ( i was obviously talking about myself) and he apologized and said men generally don't know what they want and are just scared and say and do dumb stuff all the time. He then admitted that he's a dumb male, who says stupid shit all the time and never knows what he wants because he's scared.

And I understand this. I really really do. But i also feel incredibly confused now. Either a) Matt only likes me as a friend and maybe this is how he behaves and acts with all of his female friends and I have been reading the signs wrong or b) he likes me but I am not an exception to his rule. And for some reason that hurts more. That makes me feel insecure and like I am in some weird bidding war for his attention and honestly after the Sean fiasco I refuse to try to win someone over. And I told hm this in my very passive aggressive way. I told him that if a dude likes a girl, there shouldn't be this "weighing the options" period. Both should be adult enough to process and act on their feelings and emotions and attraction and move on from there. And he agreed but said he was scared.

And that is where we left off.

Tomorrow he leaves for Austin, Texas and I won't see him again for two weeks. We text daily and he stressed that he still wanted to hear from me on the regular but I kind of need a break from Matt. I kind of want him to know what a Beckett-less life feels like these days, since i've taken up so much of his time these last few months. I like this boy a lot but I am always going to protect my heart. It's all i have and I hope that it is the best part of who I am. But i am unwilling to convince anyone that I am good enough. I know what I offer and I shouldn't have to wait for a guy, even this one, to figure this out for himself.

I just can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Hang the DJ

Matt wants us to have a "serious conversation" on Sunday.  He said this to me Wednesday via text and yer girl is freaking out about what could transpire in a few days.

Apparently he is in a much better mood now that he has returned to eating solids (he hasn't eaten since last Thursday due to the stitches in his gums) and before he goes to Texas he thinks we should have a talk. The last few days have been so strange between us and all my fears of our relationship changing negatively once we discussed what is brimming to the surface seems to be occurring.

I mean grant it, he is in much better spirits and I have a small idea what he wants to discuss this Sunday. He mentioned our relationship to his co-worker and I guess they had some questions and thoughts that maybe he didn't piece together. Because you know, he's a smart but also a very dense boy. He sent a flurry of texts Wednesday  telling me that i was important and that he likes who I am and that he would never mislead me....yadda, yadda, yadda.

It was a very entertaining text exchange and I know it should give me some hope that last week and this past weekend was just a big ol' mess of miscommunication and perhaps fear. But I am nervous. I am not a person who always knows what I want. I do not always wish to belong to anything or one. I have also never been in love. I have been infatuated/in lust/in like/in denial/in limbo...but never love. It is not something I have ever opened myself out to fully for reasons I am not sure I will ever really understand.

And I am not claiming to love Matt. I am still learning all of these things about him that takes time and effort and honestly intimacy but my connection to this boy is....something new. It might have to do with me as much as it has to do with him. I am not the same person I was 8 years ago, or 4 years ago or hell even 2 years. I am much more confident and comfortable in my skin and I don't have time to waste on people who don't offer me something that is worth loving.

And while Matt is sort of this enigma of a person, he is also incredibly kind and gentle and I get the impression he would never hurt me. That he goes out of his way to  handle me delicately which i am not used to. I have cried in front of this boy, I have danced recklessly and sang stupid songs in front of him. I have allowed him to see me fully and there is something in that that scares me. Because I am not a person who is capable of always saying what i mean but I'll show you effortlessly.

There are parts of me that worries my growing feelings for him may cause reckless pain. The sort of pain that aches in the tender folds. The sort of pain that makes you feel crazy and insecure and yet wondrous all over. But I trust him with his pain....if that makes sense. I trust him with this pain or at least I want to.

What I don't want is to be led down this path that leads to nowhere and unfortunately, if this happens I am at fault as much as he is. Because as much as I talk about wanting him to tell me his intent...I can be a pretty hard person to read and where I should be admitting my feelings for him, I instead of keeping mum out of fear that the thought never crossed his mind. I am more worried about never being an option to him than a flat out rejection. That if I tell him how I feel he'll saying something stupid like "I only ever saw you as a friend, where is this other stuff coming from" which would crush me for some reason. And I can't continue to blame Sean for those insecurities. They are all my own. I have always felt not quite good enough and I am perhaps doing the same thing with Matt now.

Le sigh. I am nervous as fuck right now. We haven't spoken since Wednesday and with his "talk" conversation looming I don't feel confident enough to be brave Sunday but it looks like I don't have any choice.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018


jesus freaking christ! the last 4 days have been a literal dumpster fire between me and Matt and I am a little on the mend from all the emotions.

I thought we were on the up and up after some truly extraordinary hangouts but homeboy came at me this weekend with some mixed signals and now I feel like my life is a comedy or errors. Or rather a Jane Austin novel where the characters say one thing but think another thing and then fumble around trying to communicate and understand each other based on a slew of miscommunications.

I have several saved and unfinished journal entries about my weekends with Matt. For the past month or so Sundays have become an extraordinary day of .... companionship and I think love, or something like it. He swings by at noon and we spend the whole day eating and talking and watching movies. The last couple of weeks we haven't even been able to squeeze in watching movies as much because we are consumed with just wanting to talk about everything.

He is a charming attentive boy which I sort of like because I am used to be the listener in most of my relationships. But he seems to want to know about my days. He'll sit on the couch and I will go on a tangent about something irrelevant and he'll say "wait, but you didn't tell me about your week. Lets start there". And it pulls at my heart strings how much he listens. Sometimes he scowls at my stories, especially the ones about work. Sometimes he shakes his head in "disapproval" at some of my week day shenanigans but he is kind and attentive and I think I like to tell him stories because his eyes light up when i do.

The last two weeks he has made me food from home. An apple crisp dessert that literally was an organismic treat and last weekend he made me pizza from scratch. homemade dough and sauce and special cheese that doesn't come from the refrigerated aisle. Growing up I had a great uncle who used to live down the street from my grandma's house. When we would visit her, he would make a point of coming over with a bag full of treats. Mainly fruit and vegetables for my grandma but he always had this super small bag of cookies especially for me. I'd get so excited when he pulled the bag from under his arm, like he magically conjured it up from thin air.  And Matt has been doing this with his homemade food. If he walks into my house with his black lunch bag I know there is food inside and I'll attack him with questions until he teases me to settle down.

I like this boy, or something like it, and despite our inability to cross this romantic threshold (yet) I think he likes me too. I can tell from the way he looks at me or the way he touches me or the way he says my stupid name. There is chemistry, so much of it, that I want to bottle it up and store it for when i am feeling down. He has gone from being this guy I once worked with to this person that I want to have things with. To share things with and I don't like that feeling. I mean I love that feeling but the vulnerability scares me.

But of course we both have our barriers.  He has not had much luck with woman and is hesitant about opening up his heart again. His last gf wanted an open relationship and the few online dates he has gone on have left a sour taste in his mouth. So i think he feels like less of a man because he hasn't had a lot of good experiences with women. I am just a big old weirdo who feels things so strongly but am often unable to tell people what I want. I am also so inexperienced in areas of love that I don't always know how to read obvious signs of desire and attraction.

So the last few months have been exceptional in one area (companionship) and terrible in others (um, we haven't even kissed yet). Last week we were both having a shit couple of days. I am having so many problems at work I have thought about quitting more times than i'd like to admit. Matt is going through some prolonged dental pain related to surgery he just had and he was just in an uncharacteristically awful mood. On Thursday we got into a conversation via text about love and relationship and consent (based on the Aziz Ansari incident) which of course led to us talking about sex.

He's convinced that women don't want to have sex as much as men, and I am convinced that most women generally like sex but a yes can easily become a no if say, there is no foreplay or lack of communication beforehand. Just dumb shit like that. We both agreed that men and women should communicate more about what they want from a potential partner (wink wink) and we concluded that men and women will continue to have many issues because of miscommunication.

During this very engaging conversation he bluntly asked me what sort of dudes i generally dated and I was like "holy effing shit! finally! we are getting somewhere'. Of course I basically describe him and he's like "okay kewl" and I ask "why do you want to know what i'm into romantically" because I think he is going to cross the threshold and tell me what i've been wanting to hear!

Ya'll....i'm going to be honest right now..Matt literally texted back "because i've been known to be a really good now since I know what you are into, I can keep my eyes open".

Excuse Me? Asawywhat? Why would i need him to keep his eyes open if we are....seeing each other...cause i don't know I sort of thought him spending all day at my house and making me dinner and buying me presents and sharing some truly intense moments of....intimacy meant that our eyes were firmly planted on each other. I mean, am i reading the signs completely wrong?

Of course I am livid at this comment and I call him on it immediately. I ask him why he is under the impression that I need an extra pair of eyes to find a dude. I also ask him why he is still single since he's such a great "matchmaker". Ya'll....he replies "because women around here don't seem to be that interested in me, so maybe when I go to grad school in a few years I can start looking again".


I couldn't understand the sudden shift in his attitude. I mean, I knew he was in  a lot of physical pain because of the surgery but he was coming across mean and almost defiant. And this was after our extraordinary weekend of movies and food. We watched a really sad movie the weekend before and I got teary eyed. He ran and grabbed my tissues and then wiped my tears away.....I mean c'mon! Why do this for a girl you are practically shooting down.

We end the conversation poorly and then the next day he texts me incessantly because he didn't want me to grab drinks with a work friend who he sort of loathes. I had a weird encounter with said work friend a few weeks back and Matt is convinced he is just trying to get in my pants. But i was so livid over our text exchange from Thursday I sort of played into his fears just to piss him off. It worked and we went most of the weekend without talking.  He texted me Sunday to make sure that we were still on and of course I relented and said "sure"

He was still in pain most of the day because of his dental surgery and I was still pretty upset about the last few days. He could obviously tell something was up so he apologized out of the blue as he was mixing me a drink. He was grabbing ice from the freezer when he said "listen, i'm really sorry i've been a shit to you these last few days. I just have a tendency of ruining things before they get good and I'm sorry".

I was taken aback by the apology so like an asshole I asked him to repeat it again, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. But he does. He says it all again but instead of looking away like he did the first time....he turns his head and looks me right in the eyes and says it again "i'm having a really hard week, and i'm tired and in pain but that doesn't give me the right to be a dick to you. And i'm sorry for trying to mess things up before they get good " and then he hands me my drink and we end the night watching a Tarantino film.

Matt is heading to Texas on Feb 3rd for two weeks so this Sunday is our last together before this trip. I am nervous and anxious and feeling a little unsure about who or what I am to this boy. I have gotten advice from damn near all my friends who say I need to be blunt af with Matt about my feelings...even though I am unsure about the extent of them. I mean I like him and I want to have all the sex with him but I wasn't expecting to have feeling for him ....that came out of nowhere and I'm afraid of putting myself in another Sean situation where I give him literally everything...only for him to take and discard. So i want him to tell me what he wants. I want him to want me so I can make the decision on how to proceed. But i think he is petrified. The ball is in his court and he is petrified.

I have 4 days to get my shit together and figure out what the hell to do or say Sunday and  I am freaking out. Just freaking out.

Saturday, January 06, 2018


Happy New Year!

While I am learning to enjoy Christmas again, I must admit I was never a huge fan of the New Years holiday It's such a weird celebratory day. I get it, some of us survived another year. I get it, the new year marks this weird reset ideology for some. But to me, the new year is just that a new year. Or rather a continuation of whatever I currently have in progress.

So even though I was invited to a New Years Eve party, i decided to spend the night at home. I drank some wine that I stole from my work holiday party, I marathoned Black Mirror Season 4, I made the rounds with phone calls and texts to friends and family and turned on NBC or ABC at the exact moment the countdown began. Then I went to bed, like any sane person would with little to no actual resolution for the upcoming year. Except maybe,  to keep trudging along as I have been.

New Years Day however proved to be a little more eventful.

So...Blue and I have been consistently hanging out for about a month now. We decided just before I went home for Thanksgiving that we should see each other regularly. And that is what we are doing.  He typically comes over every Sunday around noon and doesn't leave until 8. We have lunch together (and sometimes he'll bring me a homemade snack), watch movies, talk for hours and then pick up dinner. He is a sweet, patient, attentive boy who can be both serious to a fault and completely ridiculous and charming

I like him. I really freaking do. Something I was not intending on doing when we first started hanging out. But after four months, I can unequivocally say I like having him around and while I was hesitant about sharing my sacred weekend with anyone there is something nice about sharing the weekend with him. And he keeps coming back so I guess he feels the same way.

While Matt and I excel at intellectual, mental and emotional connection....we seemed stalled or hesitant about sexual one. Which is frustrating because I constantly think about hooking up with him. Early on, I convinced myself that I was totally okay with having a friends with benefit relationship with Matt...because well, i'm a human with urges and needs who is not comfortable enough adapting to online dating. Ideally, Matt is the perfect sort of boy in this regards. We've known each other for years, there's always been an interest rather platonically or romantically AND we no longer work with each other. It's a perfect situation.

But our past friendship and familiarity actually seems to be working against us rather than for us. We are so comfortable around each other that there is perhaps this hesitation to cross that line.  I mean I'm all about crossing it (especially when he wears this stupid blue henley sweater)  but I understand that the risk of it not working out (whatever it is) means that we wouldn't have what we have now: companionship. Sex, unfortunately, always complicates things and feelings and emotions and he seems aware of this too as we continue toying around with possibilities without acting on any. If we throw sex into the equation, the dynamic would change. And maybe we both aren't ready for that yet. I mean the sex part yes, but the fallout....not so much.

This isn't to say we don't discuss sex a lot. The bulk of our conversations are about intimacy and our preferences. He typically dates dark skinned women (check) who are independent (check), quirky (check) and smart (check). He asks me all the time what my preferences are in men and honestly he is pretty much my type right down to the stupid beard. Sometimes I worry about my lack of experience tho....because i do lack it. I am not a complete angel but compared to most people my age I am "virginal" as fuck. He once brought up that he is as interested in his sexual partner getting the most of sex because he knows the women orgasm takes longer to obtain. I literally choked on my fucking water when he said this and instead of inquiring further i was like "damn" because well damn, that means he is a boy who is diligent.

But every time he throws a sexual comment my way, I have no idea how to follow it up. I get so stuck in my head and past insecurities that I am not sure if he is just throwing out a fact OR he is letting me know how very interested he is.  So for now, the sexual or romantic (or both) possibility remains suspended between us and because we are both non assertive individuals it looks like this tension will continue until we both explode or cave. I'm not sure which.

Because of the holidays, we haven't been able to have a proper Sunday hangout in a while. The last two weekends he has either come to my house on Friday after work, or Saturday after his volunteer gig. So instead of spending all day with him, I usually get a few hours before he heads home. This week we decided that we should hang out on New Years Day, which to me seemed like a very relationship thing to do. We spent much of New Years Eve texting and then on monday he showed up in this ridiculous but warm winter jacket that he let me parade in for a few minutes while laughing. He was so smitten with my strut that he said he would buy me a similar coat in my size.

"you want to buy me a jacket"
"well, you look so good in should have your own".

What is this boy doing? what are we doing? why can't we just skip these moments of hesitation and tension and just..idk, get to the point. Because I think I really want to pursue this  boy who is unlike any boy I am ever liked. And I don't mean it in that whimsical way i used to name all of my previous crushes...he is no Art Boy or Mcabs, he is Matt, this man with warmth and a self awareness that embarrasses him. When he's talking, i'll look at his lips or his hands or the sneak peak of chest hair peaking out from his shirt collar. I like when he laughs to the point that he's hand goes to his mouth, I like that he is smart and thoughtful but also a person with slight OCD because he is always straightening things on my bookshelf or coffee table.

I like him and I want him around and I know that means that i'll have to be brave and bold and assertive. So i will because I think he's worth it.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Happy Holidays

What a weird, awful, magical, frightening, loving, exciting, adventurous, nerve racking  and enlightening year this has been. 

Upward and onward from here friends. Upward and Onward.

P.S. Yes, Blue and I are progressing along nicely. Very nicely.