Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I am not going to lie. I am very sad. Not the saddest I have ever been but sad nonetheless.

As always writing about my sadness is much easier than expressing it. The last few days have been both liberating and isolating in a lot of ways. The liberating part is that i have taken a stand for myself, finally, after months of shitty treatment. I have put myself first. The worry and anxiety about how Sean treats me has been buried under soft pillows. I am not waiting around for him to write or call me. I have not gone to bed anxious that i'll miss a opportunity to talk to him. I feel a little more sane. I know I have made the right decision for myself. I know this to be true.  

But i'd be a liar if I said i haven't questioned my decision to block any and all access between us. I'm the kind of person who likes the 'final word' and I wish the end would have been a little more dramatic than me up and disappearing from his life especially since he doesn't seem to notice I've gone missing. Our last conversation ended with him saying I needed to make him a list (for him) on how to treat me because he needs to be constantly told what to do. Seriously. 

If he isn't told what to do or how to do it he fucks up. He can't think independently which makes a lot of sense when i look back on 95% of our interaction. He never took the initiative on anything (and when he did...it was always done so clumsily: "here is my penis. SURPRISE')  and he was easily swayed by the wind. 

He never trusted his gut or his heart. He had to be directed by strings and if he tried to walk on his own he couldn't. It was damn near impossible for him.   

So even though the idea of telling someone how to treat me mortified the shit out of me I wanted to try it out, you know, because I wanted things to work out. I still stupidly want things to work out in some weird way. Its hard to explain. But i don't think rules like that should be spelled out in a relationship. I don't think i should have to tell someone when they can talk to me, keep in contact, care about my well-being, not be a douche. 

I don't want to make work out of something as simple as affection. To me it takes the fun and spontaneity and joy out of being with someone when everything is predicted and predetermined. But i still tried to come up with rules even though they weren't coming to me easily.

And then i remembered something he said earlier in the week, something that bothered me but that i didn't address at the time. He told me that he was only capable of giving me 2% of his best self. 2%. And for the next couple of days i couldn't get the number out of my head. Did it mean that he was only able to give me 2% of himself ever? Did it mean that I was only worth 2%? 

Whatever the case, I complied a list of 98 things that I have never done to Sean (most of which he has done to me): I have never sent him on an errand for someone else, I have never told him he was unattractive, I have never crossed sexual boundaries, I have never stolen from him, I have never put him last, I have never had him fight for my attention, I have never used him, I have never been unreachable, I have never given only 2% of my best self. 

I was going to send him the list so he could go over it, feel impacted by the countless shitty things he has done and then promise me that he would work on giving me more. I wrote the list for him because if 2% is the best he could offer me, whatever was on that list, represented the rest of him. It was visualization of what he had to offer; which was less than the bare essentials for anyone you claim to care for .

 But before i emailed it to him I realized it wouldn't change anything between us. It was just another way for me to point out flaws in a boy full of them. It was a way for me to feel a little entitled because I've been incredibly awesome and giving (maybe a little too much) in this relationship. It was some attempt to hang on to whatever future i wanted with him. 

So i didn't send it. Instead I put an end to us because hanging on is worse than letting go if you know you can survive the fall. And while it has felt somewhat empowering the last few days, there times when it hasn't felt that way at all.  There have been blank moments in my Sean-less life where I wish he would have 'seen' me like i 'saw' him. I am silently hoping that he notices my absence and misses me but not like you miss your pet when you've gone out of town for a few days. 

I want him to miss me like you miss a good nights sleep. 


Friday, April 11, 2014

I did it.

As planned i talked to Sean last week about wanting to 'end things' with him. He tried to convince me that i was being irrational and that i shouldn't stop being his friend due to distance (because in his mind distance is the reason i wanted to end things)

After talking for a few hours he pretended everything was okay again and told me he was sorry for not putting in more of an effort since boot camp.

So of course like an idiot, i forgave him because he said he would make things right.

8 days later and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. He hasn't made any attempts to be present in my life. And i'm done waiting around for a boy who the Navy can't even mature.

So i deleted him from facebook. I blocked his number from my phone. I took every Sean related item from my room, put it in a box and shoved it under my bed...which if you know me is the place of no return.

I am done. I did all i could do. I give him my best self and it wasn't good enough.

So it's time to move on


.

Thursday, April 03, 2014

I think i'm going to end things with Sean tonight.

If this is what heartbreak feels like i'm totally over it.

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Molly, You in Danger Girl Part 2

On Saturday morning i'd convinced myself that i would be on a plane back to New York whether Sean wanted me to stay or not.

After spending so much money on the plane ticket and the hotel room and having to take off from both jobs, I imagined my trip up to Chicago would give Sean all the fire he needed to...i don't know, be with me. It's so stupid, i know. Growing up my favorite show was Felicity on the WB and I couldn't understand why she would go all the way to New York for a boy who barely knew her in high school. But she was in love with him and she thought moving closer would give their relationship a chance or at least a start at something.

And in my 28th year I finally realize I have become Felicity

I can't lie and say that outside of my wanting to have sex with Sean, the real reason i went to see him was because i wanted him to finally reciprocate the feelings and the devotion and the love that i have continued to display towards him. I was hoping that this trip would inspire him to choose me. Because i have chosen him time and time again. And i know it was an idealistic and stupid expectation. But with my birthday corresponding with the trip and Sean's sincere desire to see me i was hoping all the pieces of our fucked up puzzle would align.

I didn't calculate having to deal with his parents. I didn't calculate his gf's jealousy. I sure as hell wasn't prepared for blind grandma and dead pigeon. By the end of Friday night Sean and I got into a mini argument because the facebook photo i posted  came up again in conversation. He'd just gotten off the phone with his gf and he turned to me and said "so i hear  you have been 'plastering' my photo all over the web'. I don't know why this enraged me so much, mainly because i knew it was her who said it. Plaster indicates that I posted a fucking gallery of him, i literally posted 2 photos so his friends and family back home could be as proud as i was and if his lazy ass gf had gone to Chicago she could have had photos of her own to share.

I was more annoyed by the fact that i continue to be the one who shows up and yet is always questioned. It's fucking ridiculous.

Sean immediately knows that i am upset and on the drive back to the base when he begs me to stay i am so pissed and ready to go home that i tell him i won't make any promises. In my room later that night i call my mom and she says  that i have to come back on Saturday. Have to. I got to see him, i got to spend time with him, he didn't do with he needed to do to make me stay, so it's time for me to come home.

And of course, i shared the same sentiment. Here i was in Chicago, to see a boy that i truly care about and i felt, like i always do with him, like the second runner up. I know that if his gf would have made it up I would not have been invited. All i've ever wanted was for Sean to see me for who i am and who i can be in his life and it's like he is wearing a blindfold and shades. And it's not to say that he wasn't great on Friday. He was attentive and present and there but it felt like he wasn't mine. I was sharing him with his parents and his gf and he was so accommodating to them because their role is so prominent yet mess I just wanted him to finally take a stand or exclaim that he needed time just for me because i'm the one he's unofficially been seeing this last year. And i couldn't get that.

And I was so eager to have him all to myself so we could talk and maybe figure out what everything between us is about. And i knew if i stayed Saturday none of that would happen.

So in the morning, I pack all my shit and when his parents ask if i'm going to stay an extra day, I tell them i can't. When we get to the base to pick Sean up, he is anxious to begin the day because it's my birthday and he doesn't yet know i am not going to spend it with him. My plane was scheduled to leave at 12:30 but by the time we pick him up it's 10:30. The first thing he asks is if i am going to stay and I tell him no. He makes a face and then says he will do whatever he has to if i'll stay the extra day. He wants us to go to Chicago and see the sights and he has a present for me. As he is saying all these things all i can think about is how much i'll regret not staying. I don't know when or if i'll ever see him again and to be honest i didn't want to go. I really didn't.

So at the last minute i tell him i'll leave on Sunday, i'll stay for him, but he has to promise that my birthday will be spectacular.

Now, i believe, if his parents had any clue about the nature of my relationship with their son they would have backed off a little in the parental department. I mean had they known that we wanted some alone time, without it looking uber suspicious, i'm convinced my birthday would not have felt like a field trip monitored by adults. But because they assumed i was Sean's really good friend from work so Saturday turned out to be a disaster because we spent most of the day accommodating Sean's mom and dad who are...unique to say the least.

For the past two years i've known that Sean's dad has bipolar disorder. I don't know much about the disorder except that it involves mood swings and depression and episodes of extreme highs and lows. Because I am a very moody person Bipolar disorder has always been a very sensitive subject.  I do know that when i found out his dad was diagnosed with Bipolar it was something i knew Sean was predisposed to. I never wanted to self diagnose him because it's easy to equate someone's short-comings to mental illness. But i can't lie and say that i haven't recognized some of the features of the disorder in him. He even told me once, out of confidence, that he is pretty sure he has it but doesn't want to take medication until he can't function normally.

I probably spent more time with his parents this weekend than with Sean and getting to know them made me understand him so much more. His dad can at times be this jovial, brilliant, charismatic man an in another instant throw a tantrum like a child. Despite what Sean has said about his relationship with his father, his dad was so fucking proud to see Sean graduate.When Sean's dad was good, he was fun to be around. He joked a lot and was considerate. He talked passionately about movies and computers and was focused. Socially, he talked to any and everyone who would listen and had an authority about him that was approachable.

However, in the same breath  he could be sullen and crabby, aloof and downright angry. Both his parents were oblivious to the concept of time but his dad especially regarded it with such indifference that lateness was the norm. He'd get distracted  and that distraction would obsess him and we all would wait patiently until he worked himself out of it.

The worst was his irritability. He'd become irritable about the littlest thing and we'd have to deal with the fallout of it for however long it took him to calm down. The fallout was usually anger directed towards a)inanimate objects b) Sean's mom and/or c) Sean. It was sort of tough to witness because Sean and his mom at times seemed immune to it or worse paralyzed by his dads moodiness. I on the other hand observed with curiosity. It's not to say that his dad moods were the only thing that complicated Saturday being spectacular because it wasn't. His mom is passive and absent-minded and a huge hoarder! Huge. Though they only stayed for four days they packed so much shit their hotel was almost impossible to move around in. And while we were in town she wanted to buy things in bulk because she 'never knew when she was going to need it'. We couldn't go into a store without her buying any and everything.

There were just too many factors against me.

After i agreed to stay we drove back to the hotel so Sean could buy me a plane ticket and extend my hotel reservation. One of the few alone times we had was in the hotel lobby to use their computers and we both agreed that the trip would be a million times better without his parents around. Of course this sentence was short lived because his father came down soon after to ask us what we wanted to do now that I was going to stay the whole day. I had no clue, i'd never been to Chicago before and I really just wanted to spend my birthday alone with Sean. The front desk clerk recommended the Chicago aquamarine and because i am totally into sea life i was ecstatic about the idea.

Now we made plans to go to the aquamarine around noon. Instead of leaving soon after to get t there  we spent 3 more hours at the hotel while his mom watched tv and his dad google deals for the city. Sean and I seemed to be the only two aware of the time restraints and kept stressing that we had to go because it was my last day in town and Sean had to be back at base before 10pm. We left the hotel around 3:30 but because of traffic it took us two hours to get to downtown Chicago. At 4:30 we were realized that by the time we found parking and paid for admission we'd only have about 45 minutes inside so we bailed on the aquamarine that was literally a block away.

Sean could tell that i was getting upset and just as we decided to turn around we noticed this big ass Ferris Wheel in the distance (fyi, i'm obsessed with Ferris Wheels). Sean redirected his parents waning attention and we headed to what is called the Navy Pier for my birthday dinner. This would have been a romantic and splendid experience had it just been the boy and I. The sun was setting. The crowd was lively and nice. He was dressed in his best Navy suit and I looked nice in a navy blue lace top and skinny jeans. But his parents were starting to wear thin. His mom was cold and kept getting distracted by stores and his dad started complaining about everything. Parking, the noise, the crowd, the weather and how much he hated Chicago.

We decided to eat at a Italian restaurant and for a brief moment when his parents went to use the restroom it was just Sean and I. And it felt nice. I literally told him that as we were settling into our seats and looking outside the window. I told him that I missed 'this'. The one on one and just time with him. He apologized again for his parents and dinner was spent dealing with another one of his dad's meltdown this time because Sean's mom couldn't decide what she wanted to eat and his dad dropped a fork.

We managed to find the Ferris Wheel and I could have stayed their forever but Sean had a curfew and I had an early flight. The night ended solemnly. We just didn't have enough time to do anything, not even talk. We watched a movie on my laptop, cuddled on the couch while mom slept and his dad was downstairs in the lobby. We talked about me coming back to see him, this time alone so that we could have time to ourselves and just like that he had to go. And we said goodbye in the stairwell of the hotel room. And i boarded a plane back to New York early Sunday morning.

The trip wasn't anything like i expected. Not even because there wasn't any sex. I really just wanted to discuss us and what we're doing and how long we are going to continue as is. I didn't want definite answers but i desperately wanted and on some part thought i deserved something. And while Sean is definitely more mature, i could see that he still doesn't know what he wants.

The one thing he said he liked about boot camp is that he didn't have to think. There was always someone somewhere telling him what to do and how to behave. He liked not having ownership of his thoughts and it's a little frustrating for me because what i need from him is ownership of what he wants to do next.

And the navy couldn't make him conquer his fear of following his heart. The Navy couldn't make him see me. And even now, since I've been home, i have no clue where we stand. He calls every night to check in, I have spoken to his parents regularly  because i think they've adopted me and Sean and I are even planning another visit up to see him soon. But I still do not know what this boy wants from me or if he will ever want me as much as i want and love him. 
My job at the university is pretty awesome. I usually have little to no work to accomplish during the four hours i am in the office. Of course on the one day when i want to update the rest of my weekend shenanigans I am backed up with shit to print for professors. Like i haven't had a free moment to myself in hours. Argh.

If i make it out alive today i'll finish up the post from yesterday and  relay everything that has happened since i left Chicago. 

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Molly, You in Danger Girl.

I must warn you that there is no way this post will adequately express my trip to see Sean this weekend in Chicago.

No Way.

 It was at times everything I could have asked for and a complete and utter disaster that had little to do with Sean or I but with every other factor against me and my attempt to....have sex.

Where do I begin.

Kat and her boyfriend drove me to the airport early Thursday morning and asked me a billion questions about the trip and what I planned on doing while I was there. I made it pretty clear to them that my main aim was to see Sean graduate and then hold him hostage for the next two days in my hotel room. It's as simple as that. Without being too vulgar or crude, Sean hasn't been able to 'do' much of anything these last two months. Boot camp has a huge no sex policy and he, surprisingly, abstained from self love. Because this boy has a huge sex drive I was prepared and looking forward to our weekend. Very much so.

The problem with this plan began to unravel as soon as  I arrived in Chicago and checked into my hotel room. The room was gorgeous! King sized bed, pull out coach, huge tub and a flat screen tv. There was ample closet space for the dresses I packed and I spent the first 20 minutes jumping on the bed. The hotel room had the perfect it's about to 'go down' atmosphere. After I tired myself out from jumping on the bed, I noticed that the only unusual thing in my room was a door that seemed to lead to nowhere. It was smack in the middle of my room and the room next door.  I was a little puzzled but ignored the door because it had a lock on it.

After a small nap, I am startled by a strange knock on the mystery door. Not just a random knock but a procession of answer the door knocks. Because it was my first time traveling by myself to Chicago I start to panic. I duck behind the bed, as if it was my shield, and hold my breath because in my mind if I pretend I'm invisible the noise will go away. As soon as the knocking stops I emerge slowly from my hiding place only for my phone to ring. It's Sean dad and he asks if  I can hear knocking in my room, I start freaking out cause my first thought is, "how can they hear the knock". I say yes and he tells me it's because it's them knocking! Our rooms are right next to each other.

Asaywhat.

When Sean's dad found out we had booked rooms in the same hotel he called the hotel to see if we could get adjoining rooms. When he spoke to the front desk person earlier in the week he was informed that it was unlikely they'd be able to accommodate the room situation in time. At the last minute though, they were able to find two rooms next to each other! How fucking awesome.

When I open the door there Sean's parents on the other side smiley brightly at the girl they have no clue is trying to have sex with their son (because of course they just know me as Sean's really good friend from work). For the next few hours his parents and I go out to eat and then crash in their room so we can watch a movie. We decide to call it an early night because the graduation started at 7am Friday morning and we wanted to get there early enough to get good seats.

As soon as I get into my hotel I do a silent scream/cry! While I knew his parents were going to be at the graduation and that we would of course spend time with them, I was not planning on having adjoined rooms. I was not planning on this trip being family friendly. I packed lacy underwear and short short skirts. I was equipped with protection and lust. Lots of lust. And NOW here I was a door knock away from his mom and dad. His PARENTS. I couldn't even fathom kissing yet alone having sex with this boy while his parents were within earshot, especially because they don't know anything of Sean and I's complicated as fuck relationship.

Regardless I thought maybe the weekend would be salvageable and that perhaps we would have a few hours to ourselves.

But of course....that never happened.

Friday comes and we get to the Naval Base bright and early. The ceremony was beautiful and patriotic and I looked freaking adorable in my polka dot dress and heels. His parents and I pose for a bunch of pictures before the ceremony and then take our seats next to this adorable girl named Jo and her fiancĂ©'s father who are attending the big day. Jo, who once again is very young, ask me who my sailor is and how long we've been together. I look to his parents quickly and try to come up with a proper way to answer the question but luckily the ceremony starts and I am able to dodge the question.

During the ceremony it was pretty hard making Sean out amongst the other tall, white, bald guys. In his previous letter he said he would be performing in the color guard (flag  holder) and that he'd be holding the Mississippi State Flag. Of course when the color guard comes up, Mississippi looks nothing like Sean but because everyone sort of looked alike I snapped a bunch of pictures of Mississippi until I was positive it wasn't Sean. Throughout the ceremony we could barely distinguish one sailor from another but halfway through I spotted him and my stomach did that stupid flutter thing. At one point, each division was able to pose for photos before the ceremony and his dad managed to get onto the auditorium floor and snap photos of Sean. When Sean didn't see me next to his parents he mouthed 'where's Beckett" and I can't lie and say I didn't get a little choked up.

Anyway, after the ceremony the sailors who would remain in Chicago for the next six months got to meet their guests in the auditorium for an hour before going back to the base to move their belongings to their training school. The processing would take about four hours but afterwards family and friends would get to return to the base and pick their sailors up for what is deemed Liberty Weekend.  Luckily Sean's was one of those sailors and immediately after the ceremony ended he was able to find us in the bleachers where we got to hug and congratulate him. He looked amazing in his navy blue Sailor outfit and white cap. After his parents got to hug him I sort of just draped myself over his shoulders and told him I wouldn't let go for a really long time and that I was proud of my sailor.

The reunion is pretty short lived and Sean has to rush back to the barracks (not sure it's called that but whatever) to pack his belongings. I can tell there is a million things he wants to say to me and there a billion things I want to say to  him but the thing about his parents being there, that I quickly learn, is that we are on their time and their concept of time is royally fucked. Sean tells us that he should be ready by 2pm but that he'll give us a call to let us know where and when exactly he needs to be picked up.

His parents and I decide to grab lunch and then linger around the hotel until Sean is ready to be picked up. On the way back to the hotel I post a picture of Sean from graduation and tag him on facebook so everyone can see. What I was not expecting was his girlfriend to call his parents literally a minute after I post because bitch didn't know I was showing up to the graduation. She asks how everyone is doing, excluding me of course, and then begins to come up with every excuse as to why she couldn't go. She had school. She had tutoring. She had finals. I can hear her a little through the phone but not enough to take in everything.

The kicker comes when she tells his parents over the motherfucking phone, just minutes after Sean has just graduated from the Navy.... that her grandmother just had a massive stroke and is now blind in one eye!!!! Granny just had a stroke? is blind in one eye? can't get out of bed? may die soon? Oh, and the pet pigeon she had died last week! What the hell!!!! What the fucking hell! For all the shit I give this girl for being dumb she played her cards well. I can't compete with a blind grandma. Of course his parents are very sympathetic and extend their condolences. While I am not a heartless person I am too suspicious about the story to give a shit because of all the times to lay this information on his parents and possibly Sean...that day and time wasn't the best.

So now, I am fuming in the car. Fuming! His parent's wonder if they should break the news to Sean or allow him to call his girlfriend so she can tell  him over the phone. I am caught between anger and hysterics. I want to laugh and scream because not only do I have to deal with his parents, and the room situation but now my horny sailor may be too racked with grief for TLC.

Motherfucking sitcom my life is.

Sean calls about two hours later letting us know that we can pick him up. Now, the ceremony ended at 10am. Sean called at 1:30pm. We didn't get to Sean until 4pm because his parents literally have no concept of time. Literally. I was already dressed and ready to pick the boy up and they couldn't find their shoes, wanted to google something, saw a commercial for sneakers, had to stop at Walmart  for paper. It was insane.

On the way to the new base we got lost several times because his dad's GSP system hated us. All they can talk about is blind grandma and how upset Sean is going to be when he hears the news. All I can think about is how upset I am that on my last night in town I won't get the time I thought I would have with the boy. When we pick Sean up, he is pissed because we are almost 3 hours late. While his parents initial plan is to avoid the grandma thing his dad says 'so did you hear about {terrible gf's }grandma. Surprisingly Sean shrugs, says 'yea she told me weeks ago' and then asks where we are going for dinner.

THIS BITCH purposefully waited until the day of, after I posted his picture on FB to tell his parents her grandma had a stroke. She had weeks to call them and let them know what was going on and instead  saved this conversation for Friday. I was livid.

As we are in the car Sean learns that I am only staying Friday and that in the morning I will be on a plane back to New York. He gets very upset and asks why I'm not staying longer. I'm a little confused because in the letter I sent him before I got up there I told him I was only going to stay until Friday because I wasn't sure who else was coming and I didn't want to be a third wheel.

When his parents are out of earshot the boy pleads for me to stay. He says he needs for me to stay. he wants us to spend my birthday together and that it would make him the happiest person alive if I stay until Sunday. Of course I am freaking out because I can't afford to stay an extra day. I can't change my plane reservation or afford an extra night at the hotel. My mom would kill me if I stayed an extra day. I would have to cancel on everyone I made plans with to stay with him. It's a terrible, horrible idea. But I haven't seen this boy in two months.  Two months and outside of wanting to have sex with him, I crave being around him. I want to talk and cuddle and figure shit out. And he looks so damn good in the navy uniform.

We have to drop him off at the base around 9:30 and he makes me promise that i'll think about staying an extra day. He'll pay for my plane ticket back if i'll just stay. I tell him I'll think about it and then we say our goodbyes.

And in less than 12 hours I have to decide whether to stay in Chicago with Sean and his crazy parents or fly back to New York in time to spend my birthday with my Best Friend?

I am still trying to decide if the decision I ended up making was the right one....

To be continued of course.

~Beckett

P.S. Of course I stayed in Chicago for an extra day.

Monday, March 03, 2014

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Today's the Day


 I'm heading to Chicago today! I'm nervous as shit. I've packed and re-packed a million times. My mom has worried call about 2 million. Regardless in a few hours I'll be in Illinois and tomorrow morning the boy and I reunite after 2 months apart. 

This trip is going to be interesting if anything else. 

So wish me luck on this following my heart thing. It's impulsive and may end in heartache but it'll be a battle wound I'm okay with. 

I'll update as much as I can

~Beckett 

Update: landed in Chicago! It's effing cold but my hotel is awesome