Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Nice For What

The first boy I ever loved was named Nicholas. We met in the fourth grade on the first day of class and I thought he was the handsomest boy i'd ever seen. I was obsessed with the movie Grease at the time, so when he walked in with his hair kind of slicked back looking like a mini greaser, I was sort of smitten. Here was my mini Danny Zuko in the flesh and for fourth grade standards he was completely and utterly it for me at that moment in time. I had had crushes before, but this felt different. I wanted to know him and for him to know me and when we finally befriended each other, I concocted images of our future relationship together which involved going to prom and other juvenile activities....like bowling. 

He'd moved from the Bronx the previous year and his older brother was an actor who had just starred in a movie with Robert Deniro. No lie! It was a small part of a much bigger cast but he got enough screen time that when Nicholas said his brother was a movie star we believed him and then marveled at the scenes with fascination. In fact, everything he told us was in a way that made it very easy to like him. He was the youngest of four brothers who were much older, so while everyone was obsessed with Pokemon and yo-yo's he talked about Frank Sinatra and wrote screenplays in a composition notebook.

I thought I was in love with him, as much as a ten year old can be at that age. I wasn't nearly as obsessed with boys as the other girls in my grade but I'd seen enough movies and read enough books to crave love or at least affection. And I had chosen him. I wanted to love and be loved by him. And this feeling was precipitated by childish fulfillment's at that time. He was nice and funny and he used to share his lunch with me. Anytime there was a partnered activity we'd run to each other to claim ownership.One time I took a bite of a cookie and handed it to him to finish and when he did the whole class groaned in surprise because he ate something with my saliva on it which meant we loved each other and were practically married by standards of saliva swappage. 

We became fast friends that first year and were inseparable during the 5th grade. He'd walk me home occasionally and during the summer he'd call to ask me about my week. I spent countless hours belting "Always Be My Baby" with this boy in mind. And when the Titanic came out that year, you bet your ass I knew every word to My Heart Will Go On. I wrote his name over and over again in my notebook, finding sentiment in each letter. I loved him or at least I thought I did but of course what I wanted and what happened never matched up.

The 6th grade rolled quickly around and I don't know what it is about Middle School but everyone literally loses their damn minds. Entering a new grade and school allows you in some weird way to reinvent yourself if you want and immediately the friends you had in Elementary school could become enemies. And that's exactly what happened. I was so excited to rejoin my group of friends on the first day of middle school, only to walk into this massive new building with a hundred new faces feeling like a complete and utter stranger. Everyone looked older, dressed differently and had an air of "maturity" about them. I did not have a growth spurt or develop breasts or even get my period. I was still stuck on my 5th grade shit that when Middle School rolled around everyone except my best friend Ahesha had abandoned me. Worst yet, Nicholas completely shunned me the first day of school and continued to do so the rest of the year.

When my mom told us we were moving at the end of the year, I was more elated than scared. 6th grade was tough and I was excited about a new town in a new state. I did well academically and even made a new group of friends but I was ready to start over. I was ready to leave this failed life behind and I was also ready to leave Nicholas. I was a pretty dramatic kid and moving was the escape i didn't know i craved more than love. On the last day of school, I penned him a love letter that my friend graciously delivered for me. It was my last attempt to salvage young love. I knew nothing would come of it, but I wanted to put everything on the line. He threw the letter in the garbage. He didn't even open it. I watched her hand him the letter in the cafeteria and then saw him turn his face up in disgust and trash the letter as quickly as he has trashed me.

Despite this obvious rejection, I still pinned for the boy years later as if it were anything more than a childish crush. The idea of him was so much more than who he actually was, that it made it easier to turn down affections from actual boys because "well, there's this guy in New York that I think is the "one". I didn't grow out of thinking that until at least 10th grade (and i'm being generous with myself because it was probably more like 12th) and I can't lie and say I didn't try to find him on MySpace when it first came out because i was way ahead of the internet creeping trend.

For reasons I have yet to uncover, I am most careless with my own heart. I have always been.  I am an emotionally mature individual who gravitates towards emotionally and physically unavailable men. I spent the better part of my teens pinning for a boy I barely knew. I spent all of college, ignoring guys who wanted to date me in lieu of putting Art Boys and Music Boys on unreachable pedestals. I graduated from that to literally getting involved with a boy who was dating another girl and here I find myself again, trying to attach myself to a boy who doesn't care about me, who doesn't know how to care for me and who chooses time and time again to be careless with my heart.

In the pit of my stomach, I know there is no there there between Matt and I. Not in the way he looks at me or talks to me or treats me and yet I continue to cling to the idea of him while the reality keeps smacking me in the face.After everything he has said and done, you would think I would scoff at any more attempts to have this boy in my life. I do not always feel worthy of love, so i'll surround myself with individuals who cannot provide me with it. And i think this has more to do with my anxiety of not measuring up to people. I am petrified of letting people down, so I surround myself with people who will let me down.  I have a tendency of wanting to prove that I belong and am worthy of love but only by people who do not deserve it. I am stubborn to a fault and while I don't want us to fit together anymore...I am frustrated that we don't. On paper this should have been a very easy coupling and the fact that is hasn't been confuses me to the point where I will be unkind to my heart to make a point.

As expected the trip to the zoo was a disaster. We both agreed to meet at the zoo separately after his failed attempt to get me to drive us there. He made a joke that since he was the "birthday boy" he was nominating me to be the driver for the day. I immediately shut this idea down on all fronts and told him i'd meet him at the zoo instead to make sure the point hit home.

We both were surprisingly on time and grabbed our respective zoo maps and decided what we wanted to see first. I was dressed pretty nicely for the trip and instead of complimenting me he told me he didn't understand why girls had to dress up every time they went someplace and that he prefers his woman to dress more for comfort than fashion. Of course the comment infuriated me and hours later when my feet were bleeding from walking so much, I resented his comment even more. We grab lunch at what can only be described as a Jurassic park themed restaurant along with hundreds of screaming kids and teens obviously on field trips. As Peacocks walked around freely accosting people for food. The lunch as going well enough until he had to tell me that he actually invited more people "but you were like the only one who showed up, so i guess that's okay"

By the end of the trip we were both more than happy to head home. It was a long ass day and there are only so many times you can oh and aww at adorable animals before the claustrophobia and leg cramps kick in.The ride home was a little awkward as he openly texted his ex-girlfriend during the trip. He was concerned that he had upset her by not including her in some plans he had this weekend. My feet hurt so much I couldn't even muster up the anger and annoyance at my current predicament. He was concerned that he had upset his ex gf's feeling (whose physical attributes are everything he has told me he loves in a woman. She is the girl whose standards he lives by) while hanging out with a girl whose feelings he was currently hurting.

When I finally reached my stop, I climbed over him (because he refused to stand up) and gave him the bday card and small notebook i hid from him the whole day (hoping by the time i'd given it to him we'd be at a better place) It was small gift and practically cost the slice of pizza but it was more than he deserved after everything. I limped home and then collapsed into bed with a mixture of regret and disappointment claiming the last bit of self respect I have. I think he texted me later to thank me for hanging out with him on his birthday but we haven't talked since and I am trying to be okay with this because as much as he offers me nothing, he reminds me daily that I offer him nothing in return.

I am not heartbroken or even sad. I am just disappointed, drearily so, and perplexed because of the wasted time.  I am can only speak for myself but the way things sort of sputtered out is a let down of gigantic proportion. One minute he is telling me how sexually adventurous he is and how attentive he is to letting his lady friend "come first" and the next we are awkwardly trying to avoid touching each other at the zoo. We almost got separated by a hoard of children trying to push their way to see some adorable baby gorillas play. He held out his arm for me to grab and I clumsily caught his hand instead before he yanked his hand away quickly as if I had cooties.

And I get it, yes I could have been a little more assertive but he didn't make it easy with his constant assertions that "short women, women who like cats, women who have or have had short hair, women who want kids and women who aren't great at math" aren't his thing. The more and more he opened his mouth and expressed his opinion, the less inclined I was to even attempt undressing in front of this boy.  It was as if he were making a point of "not being into me" despite the time we spent together., so I wasn't trying to make a bigger fool of myself.

But I am a fool. The last six months have been foolish and I have been careless with my own heart once again.

Le Sigh.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Mercury in Retrograde

The last few weeks have been mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting and I am ready for a break even though there is not one in sight.

I've been sick the last two weeks and today is the first day in a while that I have felt a little bit like myself. I woke up early and did stretches (one stretch, lets not kid ourselves), straightened my hair, put on a little makeup and exchanged my hoodie and jeans look for a nice blouse and jeans that fit. 

My friend texted me a few days ago and said that everyone has been feeling like shit lately and it may have to do with "Mercury being in retrograde". Because I am that annoying person who reads her horoscopes and associates heavily with my sign  (Pisces) I am more than happy to chalk up the last two weeks being a complete and utter dumpster fire because Mercury can't get her shit together.

I feel disconnected, anxious and generally restless. I am in a perpetual loop that I can't rid myself of and my desire for things to change does not often match the steps I take to enact change.

In a groan worthy turn of events Matt asked me to hang out on his birthday (which is tomorrow). We haven't really seen each other since after my birthday and outside of a few texts here and there our line of communication has decreased. We are literally on two very different planes We are evasive and vague and it's as if we speak two very different languages. What I wanted from Matt was a boy I could hook up with regularly (until he left for grad school)) and also hang out with. Of course I saw no need to admit this because he was the one who reached out to me, so I thought perhaps it is what he wanted as well but when I asked him why he got in touch with me he said "because i was wondering what you were up to".

Things only recently starting going array and maybe that is why I continue to try and salvage things. I feel like I got so close to having "something" with this boy that I can't imagine turning back just now because once I do, I will never attempt this again with him. Ever. So instead, even if the treasure is a dud, I am relentlessly seeing this thing through though I know it is not in my best interest.

So sure, I thought it was completely weird for him to ask me to hang out with him on his birthday MAINLY because he so blatantly forgot mine but also because i figured he would want to spend it with family or actual friends. But no, like a confused moron he asked me to hang out and like an equally confused moron I agreed. And now I am dreading tomorrow. Dreading it. We are headed to the Zoo and Botanical Garden, I assume we will grab dinner and such but it feels...wrong. It feels like I am setting myself up for disaster and disappointment again.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

This week has been the pits. Between Matt stuff (yea, he's still around fucking up my life), work drama and period pains (sorry, the cramps appear to worsen the older I get), I am just completely over everything this week and have decided to live under my covers for the rest of my life. Okay at least for the rest of the night.

In a weird turn of events despite my continued up and downs with Matt, I was sort of elated about having a work crush who I thought was distracting me from my relationship or non relationship issues with Matt. But on Monday, my crush a) admitted that he has been seeing someone for the last 3 months and b) this someone might actually be a man.

I don't know why the news took me aback. To be honest I am using the term work crush very loosely but he is someone that I am super close to and who I have gone on countless outings with. He is an attractive guy who makes me laugh so hard I have to clutch my stomach. But outside of him being a dude and me being a chick there has never been any inkling of romance between us. Even when we got plastered at his house and laid on the floor holding hands there was this almost childlike innocence to the gesture rather than a sexual overture.

AND a few months ago someone from work told me they saw that he was on a gay dating app. Because I work with a bunch of "highschoolers" i chalked the comment up to mere gossip, despite my own curiosity that maybe my new best work friend likes men as much as I do. I recognize that even though I consider myself a pretty "woke" individual, I too fall prey to making assumptions about people based on experience. And this guy loves heavy metal, is kind of conservative, likes wrestling and has a pretty "bro-y" group of friends. I assumed, embarrassingly enough, that he was a heterosexual male without even taking into consideration that he has been trying to come out to me for a while now.

Or as least I think. He asked me (of all people) for relationship advice regarding the person he is dating but he refused to use a pronoun. Like it was painfully aware that he was avoiding the use of "she" or "he". I kind of ached for him during that moment but I didn't want to pry the confession out of him, so I just followed up with using "they" that person" just as he had.

I feel embarrassed that I missed his cues and even worse that I've spent the last couple of weeks using him in conversation to make Matt jealous because i am petty and this boy continues to drive me crazy. And it turned out to be all for nothing because the boy couldn't be interested in me if he wanted to.

I'm going to resume eating chocolate under my covers and watching Netflix until my body stops aching. I need this week to be over and for April showers to wash away this mess of a month.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

School of Life

I am obsessed with the Youtube Series The School of Life, which I admit I spend most of my time watching at my cubicle because work is terrible and I might as well learn a few things  while I am there.

My friend recommended the series after I detailed my experience with Matt and because I am eager to learn as much about myself and everyone around me, I was instantly shook'th by all of the videos. Naturally I tend to watch and re-watch the relationship ones more often than I should...because honestly at 32, I still struggle to understand the complexity of them.

My sensitive, empathetic and neurotic self is still obsessing over the slow fall out between Matt and I. Which is insane since I don't want to be with him as much as I thought I did a few months ago. It's tough separating myself now from how I felt about him then. I was excited about the prospect of dating a boy who I felt was so unlike Sean. I was drawn to the addictive feeling of getting to know someone and wanted to explore every aspect of them. And I liked being liked, which is very shallow of me to admit but it's true.

But now we are just at this point where I don't want to waste his time and I don't want him to waste anymore of mine. And you'd think the shitty comments + the insensitive things he has done lately would make it easier to pull away from this boy. But it isn't. Just like with Sean, I am making it harder on myself to distance from someone who isn't right for me. This doesn't mean that Matt can't be a great, affectionate, kind and generous boy but he isn't capable of being this for me.

And yet here I am, days after proclaiming that I am a strong, independent woman, deserving of more than he offers.....nervous that he is upset with me for pulling away. That I am in the villain in this story. I have cut off aspects of my interactions with Matt but not all. I have pulled a plug on "Sunday Funday" (his name for it) and I also decided that on the weekends I would refrain from texting him. This weekend was my first attempt. I blocked his number on Friday and didn't unblock it until Monday morning. I know this might seem shitty but like most things in my life I am always trying to salvage rather than throw away completely. So i knew I would be tempted to respond back to him if and when a text came through. Blocking was just easier.

On monday, after a pretty nice and relaxing weekend, I anxiously waited for Matt to text me. I was almost offended that by noon he had not reached out to me (again, despite my disinterest in pursuing this any further) but there is this desire to be loved without having to offer the sentiment back. And it's stupid and selfish to want him to still consider as a nice, kind, desirable "friend" even as I pull the safety rope up and sail away. Because I don't want him to hate me but it's cruel to keep the idea of us afloat if we aren't right for each other.

So am i struggling to end things responsibly because I am more concerned with coming off kind than exemplifying it. And it's hard to recognize that I can't have two things at once. If I don't want to hang out with Matt anymore, it means I can't be his friend or rather I can't want (on his good days) for him to view and see me as such. If I am no longer romantically invested (and vice versa) there is no need for me to crave his acceptance as a potential interest. The last time he texted me he made a crude joke that my friend from work is interested in "showing me his dick" based on how much we hang out and enjoy each other. I was annoyed that he couldn't go one text without suggesting my work friend was a potential "fuck-buddy", so I responded back "you say that as if I am not interested in seeing it".

I know, I know, I know...I shouldn't have said anything at all. But I was pulled in by his apparent saltiness regarding my male friend and I thought i was reading jealousy between the lines of his dumb joke. But it is the fear of being blunt and direct with Matt that keeps our line of communication open and I have to decide to be honest in what I want and what I don't want. And that might mean I am the villain of this chapter.

Monday, March 19, 2018

The Heart is a Muscle

I am looking forward to Spring. I don't believe I have seasonal depression but I must admit that I am not able to handle winter. There is a novelty about it during the holidays but that is as far as my love goes. It has snowed 3 times since March 1st and I am over shoveling snow, scrapping ice off of my car and not being able to work from home like a normal human being because my boss prevents it.

I am ready for Spring and warmth and rainy afternoons and  British dramas. I want to bring out my waffle iron and whip up meals every Sunday while the sun gives off the perfect light. I want to place my awfully big winter coat in the depths of my closet and finally pull out my light jacket and spring dresses. I am in no way prepared for Summer but Spring and I have a solid appreciation. I just want to bathe in her light.

Because I am one to embrace honesty I had plans to see Matt this weekend.  Despite my proclamations of being over the boy... he texted me last week and said he wanted to be emotionally open with me. I don't know what the fuck that means and I must admit when i got the text i rolled my eyes so hard i got a headache. It feels like another trap from a boy who continues to send mixed messages and I wasn't sure how to approach the situation. But because there is always going to be a little part of me that wants things to work out with everyone, so instead of ignoring the text and staying strong....I was like "omg, yes! i'm so glad you want to be emotionally open. Lets hang out this Sunday".

The next day he spent the majority of our texting convo telling me how much he wanted to fuck his co-worker even though she's "so basic and annoying but I want to do things to her and for her because i'm a man". I walked right into the trap again ya'll. I don't know why i'm such a sucker for the damaged ones. He then proceeded to tell me how disappointed he was the last time he hung out at my house because "you weren't acting right and I hope this Sunday your attitude is better". I wasn't "acting" right because I woke up with excruciating stomach pains and when i asked him to leave so I could get some rest he insisted he stay to watch the walking dead. A show i have never seen nor wanted to see. But mainly, I can act however the hell I want in my home.

I have put up with a lot of shit from this boy but i can't fathom someone disrespecting me in my home or about how I act or run my home. As someone who spent the first two years living on my aunts couch and then a mattress on the floor before being kicked out and having to rent a room in a house full of strangers...I value the fuck out of my apartment and space and the tranquility that it inspires. I can be moody or sullen, sleepy or energized, lustful or bored in my apartment whenever i fell like it. He is a guest in my home who is critical of the fact that I "buy water bottles" and "have too many pillows on my bed".

Of course this isn't the first dumb thing Matt has said recently. For reason the boy continues to passive aggressively point out my flaws as if he is externally trying to convince himself that he shouldn't mess with me (it's cool bro, i don't want to mess with you anymore. You don't have to worry) but his way of doing so is vocal and hurtful and often unnecessary. If we were just friends I don't think there would be so much miscommunication or mixed clues.

I think it's funny that he reached out to me (not the other way around) for whatever reason but I am still the one who has to pass all of his dumb "relationship worthy' tests. And I admit, had sex or even making-out happened between us, I would (unfortunately) continue to play the game until things progressed or ended between us. But the boy has given me nothing to work with (not even a sneak peek) and he doesn't even have a super stellar personality. Where he was once charming and nice, he is now judgemental and bombastic. I get the impression that he feels like he is doing me a favor by hanging out with me cause "no one else will" or to use his words exactly "I hang out with a lot more people and have less time than you do..."

Lately, he's been telling me how great he is in bed or how attentive he is to women needs which made me think he was extending his services. BUT this would quickly be followed up with a "but i don't like short girls, or women who like cats, or women with short hair(which i had for several years) or women who can't quote the Bill of Rights" Okay, the last one is a stretch but you get the point. It was like he was pointing out very obvious traits that I possessed to reiterate that he wasn't interested or was conflicted. But for someone with a laundry list of things he doesn't like in women, he never once offered what he could bring to the relationship table.

I don't know what or who Matt is looking for but after his comment on Thursday I just don't have the sexual, emotional, mental or romantic patience to pursue a relationship or even a friendship any further. I don't think I have ever texted a friend about wanting to fuck a co-worker (followed by all the explicit things I would do) and I have never (ever) disrespected someone in their own home to the point that they felt uncomfortable. But of course, because i;m me...I still feel incredibly guilty about ending this once promising something. There are times when I am lonely. There are times when I wish I had a partner to take the load off of general life suckiness.

 I am not interested in online dating ( but i appreciate all the recommendations from family and friends to give it a try) but honestly until Matt popped up I wasn't even looking to date. My life these last three years have been...life affirming, mainly because I have invested more time on my mental wellness than anything else. I want to be a happy, healthy, empathetic and caring adult  who uses her creativity and kindness to change my world for the better. And I know that if I continue on that path whoever and whatever is supposed to be in my life will. No doubt. Doesn't mean I won't sulk the next couple of weeks and mourn what never was but i won't let it take me off course.

Monday, March 12, 2018


Matt and I may have finally reached our point of no return and not in the passionate all consuming way i wanted.

As I expected, things have been a little strained between Matt and I since Valentine's Day. He has been distant and closed off and emotionally combative for reasons that are confusing and almost hurtful. I knew this was going to happen. That's why I was super hesitant when he asked me to hang out on Vday and also why I have been less aggressive in my pursuits of this boy. He seems generally conflicted about his interest in me. If there are even any.

After Vday we went a few days without talking and then we kind of resolve the disagreement where he made it seem like I was the one who wanted to hang out and was being a little too clingy with this time. Yep.

Then the boy straight up forgot my birthday or pretended that he did. When he finally reached out to me it wasn't to wish me a happy birthday it was to accuse me of with holding the information from him which is insane and dumb. Luckily I had plans on my birthday that did not include Matt so i did not feel so slighted by his complete disregard. My friend Tim wanted to take me out for drinks and food and when I told Matt this he replied back "Have fun on your date" and then disappeared for two days.

 However, on Sunday despite the awkward text exchange, I was expecting the boy to come over because we usually hang out unless otherwise specified.  He failed to show up. No text, no call...nothing. I sat in my apartment all day waiting for his call or text or ETA and he just never showed up.

The next day he casually asks me if we are hanging out the following Sunday (with no mention of him not showing the day before) and I told him I had plans and couldn't see him. We don't text the rest of the week until Friday when he casually lets me know that he is going on a date! Yes, ya'll a date with a girl he met online. I am taken aback by the text because it seems like a weird thing to let me know. Are you rubbing it in? Do you want advice? Are you just being cruel with my time yet waning affection? I am not sure.

I was surprised by my response though. Instead of going straight savage on his ass....I told him i was happy he was getting out there and dating again and that I hope he has a good time. I just do not have anymore time for his buffoonery. He seems to be a bumbling mess of a man who has this perfect idea of a woman in his head that is not founded on  who women really are.  A few minutes later he tells me "she cancelled. I guess i'm just not meant to find anyone". I wish you could see how far my eyes rolled back into my head.

We briefly had a conversation on dating and expectations and he tells me his ideal partner is someone who "doesn't want kids and hates cats". Like why would you say that to me. I am explicitly expressed my love of cats and my desire to have a family ( i mean not anytime soon. but like I am not anti-kids). It was just another comment that seemed to dig at who I am and what I want and i am confused.

I had plans to hang out with my friend Tim again this weekend (who Matt hates) and of course Matt spent the whole time texting me as if to get a response. He wanted me to know that he was handling his rejection well and maybe he should give up dating altogether and get a dog. I was both annoyed and perplexed by these texts and did not respond back until later that night after Tim and I got completely drunk at his apartment after watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. I probably should not have drank as much as I did but it was nice for once being around someone who likes having me around, no questions asked.

So i think for the time being, I am going to take a indefinite break from Matt. I am not going to completely disappear from the boy's life but I do need to reclaim my time because he is wasting it. I am not a hard person to love. I am kind and empathetic and funny and a little charming when i want to be. I am affectionate and loving and giving to a fault. I am not a hard person to love and anyone who makes me feel as such is not worth my time.

If I am not what this boy wants or needs than I cannot and will not try to convince him otherwise.But I'm going to have to take a break, a breather, a mini hiatus indefinitely or temporarily from him. I don't know if he is sabotgaing things between us on purpose or if he truly lost or never was interested.  But i deserve more. I am sure of this now.

Sunday, March 04, 2018

So the boy forgot my birthday. He texted me later in the day and said "FB tells me it's your birthday. Was this supposed to be a secret?" This would have almost been an usable excuse had I not spent all last week mentioning my special day. For such an intelligent boy he plays the dumb card a lot instead of manning up to his mistakes.

I am beginning to think my relationship with Matt is nothing more than a friendship at this point. And even then the term in used lightly. It feels like we are both just occupying space until each others real partners arrive. Which is tragic but honestly the truth.  After Sean, I just refuse to put up with much in the boy department and unfortunately Matt is playing similar games that are confusing and conflicting. At 32 I am starting to see and feel and marvel at my self worth and what I value most from people in my life is honesty and affirmation and the boy is denying me both. 

So outside of that disappointment, I spent my birthday in a beautiful garden in Connecticut free of drama and conflict. Of course because we are still in the midst of winter there wasn't much greenery to take in but i was happy nonetheless frolicking in nature. Family and friends called and texted all day and after a long day of sight-seeing, I drove home and ate pizza and played video games. It was a calm and relaxing way to usher in my trip around the sun. 

I have a few backdated posts to publish this week. Mainly about the boy fallout because it is a tale to be told but until then I just am enjoying the last full day of my birthday weekend and preparing to fully embrace 32.