Monday, July 13, 2015

Ennui

Today I sat through 5 different meetings at work. I wish this was an exaggeration. 

Every week we seem to come up with another reason why we need to have a meeting regarding previous meetings....and it is driving me nuts. 

Today was a little different only because 2 out of the 5 meetings were to go over office policies and such but that did not stop me from zoning out. 

Following the meetings, we then got a mass office email asking everyone to meet in the conference room at 4:30 to partake in another 'birthday cake-awkward singing-followed by awkward returning to our cubicles to avoid conversing with co-workers' celebration.

I casually ducked out of the office at 4:29 to answer a phone call and spent 15 minutes hiding on another floor until I was certain the 'celebrating was over'. Luckily no one noticed (or didn't care) that  I was MIA for the celebration and I was relieved not to have to make up some lie about where i was. 

I hate that I hate my job but not for reasons that have to do with my actual responsibilities there. I hate that this gig turned out to be just a place I go to for 8 hours a day to make money and not a place where I am doing something I love with people I like being around. 

July is tough month for a billion and one reasons (most of it having to do with memories of ashat) and I feel crankier, grumpier and sort of in the dumps lately. I made the stupid mistake of unblocking him for a few days on facebook because I thought I could easily resist the urge to go to his page. My will lasted all but 10 seconds and I found out he is now stationed in Japan, probably living it up while I sulk and still think about him more than I should. 

As someone who is always giving advice, I find myself telling my friends more often than not that they can't spend their life measuring their achievements and experiences to someone else's. This is hard to do of course when social media makes it seem as if every one is progressing at a faster rate. If you aren't getting engaged, moving in with your significant others, returning to college for another degree, landing a new job, traveling the world or having a baby the constant reminders that everyone around you is...can be depressing. 

I rarely get jealousy of the monumental life events of others. Generally I  tend to a) be happy for someone who expresses the good fortune in their life (or just uninterested enough to care )and I am unabashedly proud of every small or big achievement in my own life. Like today I was able to find socks that matched. That shit is huge! I was so freaking happy, I wish I could have announced it to the whole world. Instead I just walked around all day knowing if I took my shoes off, i'd for once, have socks that matched. 

The only time I fail to follow my own advice (of not being a hater) is when it comes to ashat. He has made me so miserable these last few years, that the thought that he now has this exciting new life sans me depresses the shit out of me. In my black and white thinking, he so easily gets to move on and start over and experience new and tremendous things while I sit here at home on a Monday night, drinking apple cider sulking about my shit job, my lack of a social life, and my feelings of ennui. 

And this isn't to say I don't want him to have a good and kind life. Surprisingly, despite everything, I do not wish misery on him. But I am not going to lie, when I saw his announcement on facebook that he was now stationed in Japan I was filled with anger, jealousy, rage and resentment. It was stupid punch in the gut in some weird way, like how the hell do you get to live this amazing life, when you are such a shitty person, when you have caused so much pain. How do you get to just continue on without any sense of guilt, while I hold on to everything like it's my curse. 

I quickly blocked him again and sure as hell will not let curiosity get the best of me for a very long time. But I suspect this month will continue to be hard regardless (his birthday is just around the corner, I might literally spend all day under the covers) but I can't stew in this funk for too long. 


Tuesday, July 07, 2015


I tried OK Cupid for a hot second and realized quickly that I am somehow not made for the world of online dating.

But i want and miss companionship I just wish it were a little more personal and organic than reading through profiles and getting a ton of 'wanna hook up" conversation starters.

I think I would like to be courted. I'd like to be approached in a bookstore or a supermarket or even a chill bar by someone who notices me in passing and is compelled to say hello and engage in small talk.

I have had a few of these interactions and they have all been great and interesting but do to the abruptness of it nothing ever pans out much further than that. I am charmed, I believe said person is charmed but when it's time for us to part there is never an exchange of numbers or 'if you're ever free".

That approach is a little more difficult and risky.

Sometimes though, I wish I could just skip to something comfortable and nice with a boy that I deeply a fan of. Sean wasn't shit but he did provide companionship from time to time and now i finally feel ready for an actual, not fucked up, so cute it hurts, complicated but bearable companionship.

I am just not sure where or how to go about this dating world that is much too complex and impersonal for me.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Happy Pride 2015


Such an amazing day. Surrounded by amazing people. In an amazing city. Celebrating an amazing time in our country. I couldn't be happier. 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

That is not me in the Photograph

I repeat. This is not a photograph of me. I do not look anything like this (trust me) but I took a personal day off from work (cough, cough) to treat myself to a much needed hair cut (my hair is wild and shaggy these days) and I'm hoping my hairdresser can recreate this summer look. Look how pretty this girl, who is not me, looks. Look at her hair and beachy vibe...I want all of this today. 
So yea, I haven't really figured out how imma walk in to work tomorrow with a new refreshing look after taking a personal day but I don't really care. Work has been the pits this week and if I have to sit through another damn meeting where someone places blame and complains imma scream. 

Instead I am on the train to the city, book and phone in hand. I will get my hair done and explore city blocks and buy gelato. Those are my plans. Work will have to take a backseat :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Working Stiff

As work takes up a bulk of my day and time, I feel very Bridget Jones Diary isque these days writing from my cubicle as I count down the hours until 6 (2 hours and 43 whole minutes) and document my semi-adult happenings. All I need now is a Darcy isque suitor and other such hilarity in the mix and my life would really feel like it was on track.
While my current situation borders on Bridget Jones territory it is also a mix of Mean Girls and Office Space. While I have endured much worse than office drudgery and bitchassness, the wear and tear is inevitable. This being the first real office gig I've had, I don't think i was prepared for the atmosphere that is birth from cubicles, weekly meetings, spreadsheets and annoying and mandatory cake and happy birthday sing-a-longs. Yes, happy effing birthday caroling... in the conference room.... every time someone's birthday comes around.
Last week, well past lunch and yet way before the end of the day, we were all uniformly called into the conference room where we were forced to gather around the table and sing happy birthday to another co-worker who's birthday was this week. While I love me some cake (i love me some cake) there is nothing more mortifying than singing happy birthday off key for a person you don't really know or care for. At the end of the awkward celebration crept back to our cubicles before having to actually engage in conversation.
It's brutal. I have never worked so hard for food in my life and I am embarrassed every time I am forced to participate.
I realize now that I may not be an office person, for obvious reasons, and while I am good at my job I do hope it is as temporary as one of those tattoo's you apply to your skin with warm water and a cloth. My fear is that like Le Sad Store temporary will turn into "how the hell have i been here for six years" when I barely see myself lasting a year.
The main issue i have with working in an office, or this office in particular, is that  I am so used to being a part of a team (albeit a dysfunctional one) that the separateness drives me crazy. Though we all work in the same space, mere inches away from each other, we are 'separated' by departments and entitlement. On a daily basis it is a whose penis is bigger competition and if i can be honest no one is packing heat. No one.
Just a few minutes ago a client called with a complaint. I put her on hold and tried to get her in touch with anyone in the office who could help her. Perhaps my mistake was saying "can anyone help [insert name here] she has a is having an issue with..." Immediately motherfuckers pretended like they didn't know what a phone was. There was a cacophony of "well i can't help her because it's not my job" "well it's not my job either" "have her speak to [insert name here]" "i don't wanna help her! have her call.." this went for longer than it should. Eventually I just took a message and apologized because someone would have to return her call.
Everyone was pleased that they passed the 'buck'..I instead seethed with frustration and agitation. I know work is not supposed to be fun, I know that for 8 hours a day I am required to put in as much effort so that it appears I am doing work (blogging has helped, as the sound of my typing makes it seem as if I am doing work). But I also know this there is something to account for working with people you actually enjoy seeing 40 hours a week. 40 hours is a lot of time! I spend more time with these people than I do my friends, family and possibly even netflix! And me and Netflix spend a lot of time together.
So when my work days are long and tedious, when my head feels like it being stepped on by a very adorable but heavy elephant it is not because what i do is terrible. It is who i work with that is. And the adjustment to this has not been easy. While Le Sad Store financially, emotionally and mentally was a trying and often difficulty place to work there are moments where I would trade the stability of this job and the dreaded isolation I feel from my co-workers to be back at Le Sad Store when things were okay and my nights were spent hanging out with my best friends. It was a very small window of okay times there but dammit they were good.
I am sure the atmosphere of retail, combined with the employees at Le Sad Store contributed to our work environment being unlike any other place I have worked. When it was good, the pieces just sort of fit together nicely. We were this perfect team of work productivity and friendship. I legitimately had a friendship, or at least kinship, with everyone I worked with there and I fear that is is something I will never have again.
This office gig is just a rather static space where a bunch of people who want/need money gather for 5 days a week for 8 hours a day. I can't tell you the number of days I have gone with out uttering an actual word to the person in the cubicle next to me. It's freaking weird. Just plain weird.
So having Patricia as a sort of built in friend was refreshing, especially since also worked at Le Sad Store (tho we didn't talk much the short time she worked there). So, while I do not mind that creepy guy is too scared to even look in my direction these days yet alone talk to me, the awkward tension between Patricia and I feels like a loss. Not a huge one, but an 8 hours a day, 5 days a week loss.
Lyle is the only one who has stood by my side like a trusted confidant and sidekick. And while there is something nice and confronting about his work companionship the complete and utter desertion from Patricia in favor of Shane is freaking unbelievable. Unbelievable. I feel like a contestant on Big Brother who has suddenly gone from having house allies to having none and the shift is strange for various reasons.
I can totally understand why Shane has stopped talking to me. I actually am grateful for his cold shoulder and distance. I'd rather be ignored than asked inappropriate questions. There is a reason his nickname is Creep Master Funk, he gave off this incredible vibe of being "frustrated" and I got this sense he thought I could relieve that tension. When I was the only other person, besides him staying till six on Fridays, I asked Kat to chill with me for an hour in the office so I would not have to be alone with him. Kat immediately picked up on Shane's creepiness and also said he gave off an incredibly disgusting vibe
I have always had this fear of not being believed. Like an overwhelming fear of it. I was never a girl who cried wolf because I saw what happened to that kid. The moment he needed everyone to take him seriously, people where unfazed by his cry for help and brushed him aside. They like were 'eff you kid, we don't believe you anymore. You are forever branded a liar".Ugh, worst nightmare ever. A small part of me has always been so honest because of this fear. When it comes to very practical elements of my life I am truthful and honest to a fault.Lying is akin to being untrustworthy and who the hell wants to be untrustworthy.
With Patricia suddenly giving me the cold shoulder and actual stank bitch face attitude, I can only conclude that she thinks I lied and made the whole thing up. She believes that Shane is not a creepy older horny guy who asked me inappropriate questions. She believes I exaggerated my discomfort level. She thinks I cried wolf, something I would not and have never done. The worst part is that she has shattered my belief that when it comes down to it, girls stick together. I mean aren't we supposed to?
I can't imagine me reacting the way she has. This is not to say I wanted her to take sides and choose me because eww how freaking disgusting is it of a male co-worker to be so creepy and brazen about it. I didn't expect her to stop talking to Shane because wtf married guy with a newborn baby what the hell are you doing. But I guess a part of me was hoping that would be the outcome cause maybe I did want to make a new friend and for the most part Patricia seemed like a good candidate. 

Sunday, June 07, 2015

Pre Monday Blues and Anxiety

So things are definitely awkward between Shane, aka Creepy Guy, aka CreepMaster Funk, aka Eww Dude, and I and to be honest I care only enough to blog about it because as Sunday comes to a close I am already annoyed by the bullshit of a week I will have to endure because of this emasculated pervert.

I am much too old to deal with a dude who crossed the line.I am much to old to try and cater to hurt feelings. I know for a fact had I had to deal with this situation a couple of years ago I would feel responsible and guilty for Creepy Guys action. I would have placed blame on myself, for any number of reasons, as to why he crossed a boundary with me. I know that I probably would have let it go on rather than stop it cold. I know I would not have gone to Trish out of embarrassment and irrationality (why would anyone find me interesting enough to want be so suggestive) to discuss how uncomfortable he has made me feel. I would have endured alone and I have little to no doubt that something would have happened physically, emotionally and spiritually which would have immobilized me.

 At the ripe old age of 29 however, that shit will not and does not fly. It's weird getting older. It does get better, however cliche the statement is. Things eventually get better, even when it seems like they won't, they just do. I am still very much insecure and anxious and socially awkward. I still cannot make small talk to save my life and there is and always will be dancing in my pj's on Friday nights. Always. I still daydream and feel out of touch and obsess about Buffy. I am still the same person I was 10 years ago but instead of feeling weird about my idiosyncrasies, I've just learned to accept and embrace, accept and embrace, and what a difference this mantra has proven.

 Overnight I've grown a backbone or at least the lack of patience to put up with bs. It may be the only thing I can thank Sean for if I can be honest. I was dragged around for so long by the boy, that I know now how much of a waste that is and the toll that it takes on me. Now I am a champion of assertiveness. I try not to beat around bushes, I stray from pettiness, and I lay my cards on the table.   Passivity will never escape me fully, but I now  know which battles are worth fighting and which aren't. Creepy Guys creepiness is one of them.

 Obviously money was not the deciding factor when I took this job. While the pay is great, the job that was also offered to me at the same time  paid significantly more and would have saved me hours and money on commuting. I passed on it mainly because the office was tiny and I knew i'd be alone. Despite my anxiety, I really do like working with and around people, I like being part of a team (even a dysfunctional one) and I had this overwhelming sense that i'd be completely isolated working mere minutes from my house. Isolation for me is a good and bad thing. I like solidarity on my terms, I do not like it when it is routine.

So in a crazy move, I took the lesser paying job, in favor of working with people. And for the most part the decision has been a good and frustrating one. Positive: I am surrounded by people, am always busy and there is never a dull moment at my job. There's an older woman a cubicle away from me who has suddenly become my book sharing buddy. She reads all the bestsellers and new titles and has recently started letting me borrow them after she's finished. I think we have unintentionally started a book club here, though so far we are the only members. Working in customer service is oddly enough also a positive because I am also constantly interacting with people/clients albeit angry and hostile ones but my voice has a way of soothing people and so far there are worse things to do for a living.

Negative: For someone who has worked for both a corporation and University, the lack of policies at this place is killing me. This company has only been in business for six years and naturally lacks the business knowledge of what works well and what doesn't. I am all about efficiency and meeting deadlines and quotas. I am also all about work policies that everyone should abide by. I think tardiness needs to be reprimanded, I think goals have to be given, enforced and reached and I think failure to comply to this should be meet with some form of consequence. The fact that someone who is supposed to be in at  9am can stroll in at 10:30 and no one says anything is beyond frustrating. Yesterday the marketing team went to lunch for 2 hours. 2 whole hours and they only work half days on Friday. The owner of the company (who is often never there) rarely enforces the rules because he wants to be a chill boss and because of this people are taking advantage and work isn't getting done. This week our manager, the only enforcement we have, was out of town for vacation so the office was beyond chaotic. I know from experience that when things fall through the crack it's an avalanche rather than a small decline and I, surprisingly am the only person who is not okay with our everyday is casual Friday work ethic.

The biggest negative is Shane, whose hurt feeling and subsequent emasculation has resulted in a) me being banished from the lunch group and b) complete and utter silence from him as a result. It's beyond juvenile.

The short end of it is that the moment i started there he'd ask really weird and personal questions that I was uncomfortable with.I am not sure what his relationship is like Trish. but they are definitely close and make up a two person impenetrable team, and for some reason I think he got the impression that I too would form some weird office bond with him. Just not the friendship bond.

 It started with him asking me how many guys hit on me per day, if I had any tattoos on any part of my body that were not visible due to clothing, if my coffee breaks after work were actual lingo for 'sex', if i was into the whole 50 shades of grey phenom. It doesn't sound like much but coming from a guy i've known less than 3 months it was beyond uncomfortable and it only got worse.When I started becoming friends with Lyle, Shane started saying that Lyle and I were close because we were doing inappropriate stuff together.He asked about my tattoos again but this time asked if I had any on my breast. I called out of work a few weeks ago cause I caught the bug that was affecting us all in the office. I returned the next day but Lyle had just called out too because of sickness. During lunch that day Shane made a snide comment that Lyle must have caught his cold from me because we probably were passing 'fluids'.

 A week or two later Trish and I were talking about someone we used to work with at Le Sad Store. Said person wanted to have a mini Le Sad Store reunion but some how managed to not invite me. This same person also unfriended me a few months back and this recent diss seemed personal. As I was lamenting about her and the slight, Shane (out of nowhere) says 'did you steal her boyfriend or something".

 Now I know what you are thinking, cause I too have thought it. Shane's subtle, or not so subtle, suggestions about me being a harlot has made me question what Trish has told him about me, if anything. Because unless he is just an inappropriate dirty dude, I cannot for the life of me understand how or why he got that impression unless something was said to him in passing about me. And for obvious reasons, Trish definitely knows about the ashat and I. I mean I confessed everything to her bf who no doubt told her....but from what I know of her I can't imagine me or the ashat being a topic of discussion at lunch. The only other alternative is that creepy guy is just creepy and I am his new object of obsession.

He'd hover around my cubicle like a fly that I couldn't get rid of. He kept asking if we could hang out after work near my house. He never once talked about his wife or newborn baby but he would ask me what 'fun' i had planned on my weeknights. And while I'd hate to compare this to anyone who has actually experience sexual harassment at the work place, I will validate that Shane made me uncomfortable, his questions/remarks were inappropriate and I was beginning to feel unsafe around him.

Before I even went to Trish about my concerns, I stopped responding to Shane on all levels. Outside of a hi in the morning, I ignored his gchat invites, I stopped attending lunch everyday with them so as to avoid him, I made sure not to prolong conversations that could steer in the wrong direction and I refused to be alone with him...ever. I think he sensed my cold shoulder because instead of respecting my space he got more snippy and aggressive with me. Remind you he is not my boss, but he started nitpicking little things that made no sense. One time he offered to help me out with a project and then got annoyed that I asked him for help (which I did not do). He'd see Lyle and I talking in the kitchenette and make some comment about how close we are (grant it, Lyle and I are blooming work besties but that's it). On Fridays, everyone leaves early, but he said I can't. That I have to stay until 6pm and of course guess who stays with me...him.

 The kicker came when he told me I wasn't allowed to eat lunch with our lunch group anymore because he noticed that i only went to lunch with them 3 times out of the week instead of five and if that was the case I didn't need to eat with them anymore and would have to take my lunch at another time.

 Da Fuck.

Da fuckidy fuck.

When I was 17 or 18 years old my mom took my brother and I to visit our Great Aunt Tit. The name alone should give you some insight into her personality. She was this small, wiry, masculine, vivacious and haughty women with a raspy voice and hard lines. I think I fell in love with her as soon as I ascended the porch steps to her house. I, of course had bad hair, a sullen attitude was chubby and boyish and had no interest in being social with family members foreign to me. Aunt Tit caught on to this quickly and instead of letting me go inside with my brother to meet cousins with similar features but little else in common, she asked that I stay on the porch with the women of the household, who have a tendency of talking on the porch for hours.

 As I sat in the corner sulking I would catch Aunt Tit looking at me from time to time with a curios expression on her face, so much so that I thought she too was criticizing me silently in some way (insecure 17 year old me was AWFUL). After a few glances my way she announced quite cryptically "you, you are going to be trouble for boys. just wait". And because i was gross and 17 and insecure and had a cowlick that never wanted to lay down, I didn't believe her. Instead I suddenly disliked her because I thought she was making fun of me. But now at 29, I think my crazy Great Aunt Tit might have been on to something.

 I know that I can't make generalizations, and honestly my dating life outside of Ashat has been pretty uneventful but there is something in the water with the boys who tend to like me. Damaged, needy, all consuming and possessive by turns equally dismissive, aloof and in ashats case cruel. While I am not everyone's cup of tea in the small pool of guys who like me I am 'cool' 'refreshing' and a 'concept' because of my nerdy interest. But the moment I assert an actual opinion, desire, request, personality uniquely different from the person who caters to making people feel comfortable...I am a bitch. I am needy. I am immature. I am no longer a commodity.

 In Shane's case when i went along with his weird questions, and didn't get all offended by his 'suggestions' I was awesome! The moment I shut the shit down, I became a problem and his only way of fixing it was to cast me aside. He came up to me in front of everyone and said I could not eat with them anymore. He gave some bullshit excuse about their being no one in the office at a particular time to answer the phones, so I couldn't eat lunch with them anymore because it was a conflict of productivity. I rolled my eyes, called bs on the whole scenario and said I was fine eating alone but I would take my lunch whenever I wanted to, regardless. Over the weekend I couldn't let the lunch shit go. I also couldn't understand why Trish had not done much to protest. I know we aren't close friends and all but isn't there like an unspoken girl code or something that says 'sisters back each other the fuck up'. She did not get that memo, she is the worst girl friend ever.

Regardless, I decided to talk to her about Shane and admit that he'd said some pretty inappropriate stuff to me and that is why i'd been distant. She was shocked and a little appalled by what he'd said but as the days have progressed she too seems to be pulling away from me. As if I have exaggerated the incidents and am a sensitive girl crying wolf. After our talk on Monday Trish barely said two words to me the rest of the work week and a line in the sand has definitely been made: an uneven line.

I am dreading Monday morning and walking into work because suddenly I am the pariah. I am the heretic and i'd be lying if I said the whole situation hasn't gotten under my skin. I took this job because i wanted to make friends and in turn I managed to possibly lose a potential one along with gaining an enemy in a creepy older guy who now is being a douche. I just can't win. I always manage to cause a little trouble whenever I am.

Le Sigh.

For now I won't worry too much about the shenanigans bound to occur at work. I had a hella successful Ikea trip this weekend and I am so happy with the small changes that have been added to my place (a new bookshelf, a dresser and a kitchen cart). I spent all damn nigh building the furniture and my whole body aches but my life and self worth outside of work is only getting better. So i'll worry about perverts and mean girls and being a pariah tomorrow.

Right now I am going to order a big ass pizza pie, grab a cold cider and marathon Sense8 on Netflix. Right now i'm going to focus on my priorities.


Wednesday, June 03, 2015

'Murica

That awkward moment when your order from Urban Oufitters arrives and you have no other choice but to spend the next five hours tacking it up to your wall because you didn't realize how big the actual wall map was going be or that it would require more man power than one person. 

I'm pooped but I do think it looks okay. It's much bigger than I excepted but now I sort of have an accent wall in my studio and a makeshift headboard cause I sleep weird (sideways). 

Time for bed finally. The last two days at work have been busier then ever and putting this damn tapestry up has exhausted all my energy for one day. All in the name of decorating I guess.