Thursday, December 06, 2018

Happy 26th + 7

How have seven whole years passed? 

Sunday, October 21, 2018


Text Message
Saturday 11:09 AM

Wanna go to the movies this Tuesday to watch [insert movie here]

Text Message from Me:
Saturday 7:30 PM

I can't. I actually have a minor surgical thing this week and will be out of commission.

Text Message:
Sunday 7:35AM

Good luck with that

Text Message Response from Me:
Sunday 7:37AM

I'll make sure I tell that to my [insert body part that is being surgical excised].

Post Script:  Matt is now blocked. again. permanently.

Saturday, October 20, 2018


Text Message
Today 10:45 AM

Just to clear the air, I am not mad about anything. No one should feel awkward. Not sure if that helps at all. 

Text Message
Today 10:46 AM

We're all acquaintances here, yo!

Text Message
Today 10:50AM

Or *friends, not sure if you consider me a friend so I said acquaintances. I just don't want anyone feeling awkward. 

Postscripts: these are the texts I woke up to from Vaughn who has now seriously entered creepy uncomfortable territory. 

Friday, October 12, 2018

Late Bloomer

On Monday I told Vaughn I would be unable to hang out this weekend (I made up a lie about a friend being in town) and naturally he is pissed and upset that I have cancelled our date. I can't catch a break to save my life.

I am not going to lie, when Vaughn initially brought up the idea of hanging out, I was totally game. I thought it could be nice to hang out with someone who has taken an interest in me. I thought it would be super fun to bookshop in the city on the weekend with a possible new friend. And when we discussed grabbing food it seemed only natural that we would try to get as much out of the day as possible (because it's costly to go to the city just for one thing). But the more and more I sat on it the more uncomfortable I became with the situation and because I am a grown ass woman I am allowed to change my mind. Which is what I did.

I don't want to be alone my whole life. I have not dated a lot and honestly I am not interested in joining apps or websites to meet someone. I am just starting to like myself these days and I continue to be very patient and accepting of the woman I am becoming. Honestly, it has taken my 32 years to FINALLY like who I am and to recognize what I want for myself. Sure, I want a partner eventually but that  doesn't mean that I need to take the first dude that shows me a sliver of attention. I am still in a position where I want to find someone who best compliments me.... not who's just available at the moment.

And if I can be honest, I have absolutely no interest in Vaughn even well before our disastrous concert a few weeks ago. He is a nice, intelligent and decent guy. He's attractive in his own right and well kept but that doesn't mean the stars align for us. Why can't a single girl and a single guy cohabiting the same air just be casual acquaintances? Why is it assumed that they should try to partner up because they aren't attached to someone else. It's crazy.

 As a single, childless woman in her 30's I have the feeling single dudes feel entitled to single women (or maybe all dudes feel entitled to single women). That if any man shows an interest in you, you automatically should feel grateful and accept the advances even if you have no interest.I can't tell you the number of times a dude has been nice to me with the expectation that I will go on a date or just hook up with them casually. I can't tell you the number of times I am asked to give up my own wants, needs and desires as soon as a dudes makes his known.

When it comes to Vaughn personally there are just a bunch of no-nos in my book. Outside of me not being physically, mentally or emotionally attracted to him... we aren't even friends. He isn't someone who makes me laugh or who I feel comfortable around. He isn't someone I want to spend time with and get to know. He actually makes me very anxious. During his text messages, I was uncomfortable with the praises he was throwing my way. He thinks I'm incredibly fun and energetic and "extra pretty" (he said this) but that doesn't mean I should want to hang around him because of what he thinks of me. How would he know how fun and amazing I am when our interactions have been slim to none.

I understand that I am at Tim's house almost daily and I am cordial towards his roommates. Yes, we've had moments of civility and laughter but I am only at the house because of Tim. We spend the majority of our time in his room with the door closed and locked so no one bothers us. I only see his roommates if I run into them on my way to the bathroom or kitchen to warm up my tea. I am only ever there to visit Tim. Remove Tim from the equation and our paths would never have crossed. He is not someone I want to pursue knowing outside the confides of my friendship with Tim.

I think I initially agreed to this outing turned date because I was impressed that he apologized for the concert. I appreciated that he reached out to me because he regretted what he said and how he behaved. And even now, I respect that shit out of that but that doesn't mean I owe him anything. Including a casual hangout that was becoming a full fledged date.

Because Tim was ignoring me most of last week I was only able to tell him about Vaughn last Friday. Naturally, instead of being annoyed with his roommate he was dismissive about the situation and asked that I keep him out of it because he didn't want to be in the middle. I asked him if it would make him uncomfortable if I went out with his roommate (for reasons that are so fucking obvious to me) and he said it's just a date and that it didn't bother him.

But it bothers me! I wouldn't want to  go from hanging out with Tim to hanging out with Vaughn.  How the hell would that even work. Would I spend half of my time in a pillow fort with Tim eating pizza and drinking wine and then towards the end of the night I'd just hop into the next room and hang out with Vaughn. Would Vaughn tell Tim about things that we were doing? Would Tim want to know? Would I be the Yoko Ono of the household? Would I be considered a friend hopper? Is Vaughn only settling for me because of unrequited desires for Tim? Why is Tim not more upset that his roommate asked me out? The questions are endless.

Regardless, In this whole scenario my wants and desires were being ignored.  No one seems to care that I have no romantic feelings for Vaughn. Or that I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with Tim.  Vaughn just wants to date me because Tim talks about me constantly and I sound like a catch and  honestly I think Tim doesn't want there to be any tension between his roommates so he wanted me to at least go on one date just to get it over with. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to do any of that.

So I cancelled. I told him I had other plans and couldn't hang out this Saturday. I thanked him for asking me to hangout but told him this probably wasn't the best thing to do. I thought I was being kind in letting him down easy. Instead Tim tells me today that Vaughn is actually  pissed that I cancelled plans and doesn't believe that my friend is coming up this weekend (she isn't but he has no right to question my reason for not wanting to go on a date) and now Tim is annoyed because he thinks I should have just sucked it up and gone on one date. Vaughn said he is going to give up pursuing me (which MEANS HE WAS PURSUING ME) because I am not the girl he thinks I am. Well, duh.

I just need a break from this all. A friend of mine thinks all this recent boy attention has much to do with the fact that I carry myself with confidence these days. Something that no one would have ever said about me a few years ago. Honestly I don't see any of this confidence she speaks of. I'm still anxious and a worry wart and I constantly second guess myself. I'm just older and I refuse to be embarrassed about who I am and what I like and what I want. I also refuse to put myself in a position because it's easy and available.


Post Script: Tim and I are now trying to figure out how we can still watch Game of Thrones over the weekend at his place despite the obvious lie I told. So far we've decided if he puts me in a wig, introduces me as his friend Becca, Vaughn won't have the faintest idea it's really me.

Friday, October 05, 2018

FML Part 5

Just when I thought things were finally returning to normal on the Tim and health front (i've been sick for 7 days) Tim's roommate Vaughn asked me out on a date. You did not read that incorrectly.

Vaughn. Asked. Me. On. A. Date.

Fuck. My Life.

Soon after apologizing for the concert debacle, he wanted to try and hang out again a la a doer from the disaster a few weeks ago. Honestly, I thought this was incredibly sweet and considerate especially since he didn't have to reach out to me but did anyway. Especially after Tim spent a few days completely shutting me out. I was perhaps anxious to feel a connection because I thought i'd lost one forever (it's probably located at the metal pit I witnessed some poor guy get trampled at)

So yes, I was a little hesitant about agreeing to hang out but I figured our plans were super casual so I wouldn't run the risk of crossing any boundaries with Tim. That was until today. Where suddenly the outing seems more like a date than two people meeting at the bookstore to browse for good reads.

If Vaughn was not Tim's roommate, I would perhaps be flattered that he seems to like me and thinks so highly of me (post concert). I would want to maybe even go out and socialize with him just to prove that I could and to have a nice outing. But 1) he's Tim' roommate 2) by roommate I mean they literally live together and see other every day 3) by live together I mean their rooms are also right next to each other and sometimes they hang out and play video games as roommates do.

I wouldn't say they are friends but they are most definitely friendly and  while I initially thought this would be an okay thing to do, I am now trying to backpedaled and get out of this situation. Vaughn has been super flirty via text not in any way that is inappropriate but obviously in a "can't wait til our date way". Naturally I am panicking. P A N I C K I N G because I no longer want to do this.

Despite how tense things have been between Tim and I, he is my friend and I value my time with him immensely. Sure I thought this week was fucked up and I am none to pleased with how much maturing he has to do but how Tim loves always wins over anything else. The last two days he has come around and I think it has a lot to do with me calling him out on his immature response to last week. He is only 26 so I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and up until last week this has been the first real bump in our friendship. So I want to continue communicating with him and evolving as friends.

And dating his roommate or going on a date with his roommate or anyone super close to him would just be WRONG in my book. It would be disrespectful to Tim and our friendship. It would be cruel to Vaughn who I am not really interested in romantically and it would be a waste of my time. On the checklist of "is this a situation you should avoid", the signs point to hell fricking Yes and yet here I am mid blast.

I've definitely decided to cancel before next Saturday but I have to figure out a way to do so that won't make things any weirder than the are. I am trying to come up with a list of excuses that will convey my sincere appreciation while also crushing any hopes for future plans. I understand that I shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place but he caught me off guard and I went straight into people pleasing mode instead of being honest. And honestly he has given me plenty of opportunities to bail and I just didn't take them because I was...flattered that someone wants to go on a date with me. I really need to get my self esteem in check. It's just embarrassing really.

Needless to say this week has ended on a complete and utter bad note.

Wednesday, October 03, 2018

Insert Resting Bitch Face

beckett [10:56 AM]
also, not to be that person but things have felt a little less be and te between us. obviously we are co-workers so i recognize that work is work and I  wouldn't bring anything up here that would make it less comfortable (plus i'm honestly just too old not to be transparent and honest). but i just wanted to let you know that it just feels like something's up or different between us and i don't totally understand or get it but i want to respect your space. i think we are friends and hopefully if there was something amiss or i've upset you (vice versa) i'd hope that you'd let me know so we can just resolve and move on. everyone deals with shit at their own pace of course, so i'm going to let you be because i'm Mr. Feeny and life has taught me a lot of lessons and one of them is not to kick a hornets nest but if something is bothering you and you want to talk i'm here. if you tell me everything is fine and i'm just exaggerating i'll believe you but i just wanted to let you know it feels different and i just want to make sure you are okay. end speech /

Tim B [10:59 AM]
Typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing

(I just wanted you to see that I was "typing" for a really long time to psych you out)
I thought everything was fine lol

Tuesday, October 02, 2018

There is No One Like You

Since I was little my mom  has always told me that there is "no one like me" during various moments in my life. Of course being my mom and all I thought this was just something any mother would say to their child. I mean who would want to admit that their child is just like everyone else. Even if it is true. But, I honestly think from the moment I was born my mom was convinced I was the most unique individual she had ever known and because of her love she has always made me feel as such.

In the 4th grade she was called into a parent teach conference during the middle of the school year. Compared to my brother, who was always  in trouble and spent most of his time in detention, I was a shy and quiet kid. I had friends but rarely spoke in class. I was studious but also super lazy at times. When she was asked to come in for a parent teacher conference she was concerned that I was falling behind in some area. I never complained about school but obviously when I came home one day with a request from my teacher for a one on one meeting my mom was anxious.

During the meeting a few days later my teacher wanted to talk about a story I had written. My moms eyes were the hugest I have ever seen them. She turned to me suddenly and I saw how petrified she was. She didn't know I was writing anything outside of homework. She couldn't possibly fathom what I had written that would cause my teacher to ask for a meeting. Eventually my teacher retrieved the 10 page fairy-tale I wrote for a project and she just wanted to express how extraordinary it was. She said (and I quote because my mom tells this damn story over and over again) "this was quite the emotional read. I honestly sat by my fireplace and re-read the story for hours. It is extraordinary. Your daughter has an a warmth with words"

We were both shocked by this admission and as we were leaving, my mom didn't say much of anything. I thought she was upset or worse embarrassed to have been dragged to my school so my teacher could gush about a story that moved her. I story I wrote in the 4th grade. Instead as she settled me into the car, she touched my head and said "there is no one like you. remember that" and then she made me chicken Parmesan for dinner and called my grandmother that night to re-tell the story.

I obviously do not think I am an extraordinary or unique but this has never stopped my mom from telling me so. Like when I decided to master the macarena and performed it wherever/whenever (there is no on like you) or when I decided me and my brother we going to make a comic strip called "Super Bird" to sell to newspaper (there is no one like you). Or that one time I decided that I was actually Australian and talked for an accent for two weeks (there is no one like you). She'd always say these words with a smile on her face and for some reason it always reassured me that I was gift even if just to her.

Even in high school when I felt ugly and was overweight and self conscious with an embarrassing haircut and questionable hygiene routine my mom always gently reminded me that "no one is like you". No one and that I was worthy of love and respect from anyone who came in contract with me.

So when I called her last night to complain that I had possibly lost a person I thought was a good friend over a stupid metal concert that I didn't even want to go to she listened, gave advice but finally said "there is no one like you Beckett. No one and if Tim decides he doesn't want to be friends with you because of a concert...then it's his loss of an incredible human being. Not yours" and then she re-told the memory about the story I wrote in the 4th grade before we both erupted in laughter (honestly she tells this story monthly).

I thought letting Tim chill on the weekend would be enough time for him to see how silly and unfair he is being. It helped that I actually had plans that did not involve him, so I busy in my own right and did not feel the need to reach out or touch base with him especially after Friday (he came into work and ignored me the whole day. it was rough). But of course, Tim came into work yesterday and continued to ignore me like I murdered one of my his favorite metal singers. I was stung by this slight and spent most of the morning trying to conceptualize what could possibly have made him mad

1) he's mad that i didn't make a better effort to enjoy the metal show.
2) he thinks I was rude to his friends by not agreeing to go grab drinks afterwards
3) he is upset that my short stature will make it impossible for me to ever stand front and center at a concert (long shot. but i don't know at this point)
4) he is upset that I cancelled on the second concert
5) he is upset that I expressed my discomfort at the 1st concert and he is not emotionally mature to take ownership of his actions that night so we can move on.

Clearly, i'm leaning towards 5 and honestly if that is why he is mad than  that is a shitty reason. We are allowed not to like the same thing. I am allowed to voice when I am hurt or disappointed. As friends we should be able to openly resolve disagreements instead of letting it simmer. We are better than this or at least I thought we were. At this point I am more upset about his reaction post concert than I was at the concert. I was able to handle getting almost kicked in the face more than I can him going out of his way to ignore me.

I attempted to reach out yesterday because I was getting pretty annoyed with the silent treatment. After lunch, I made a point of asking him how his weekend was. His reply but was very short and concise with his answers. At the end of the day, after a few awkward exchanges he left without saying goodbye. All I could do on the ride home was laugh because I honestly can't fathom a friendship would burn in flames because of a concert!

IN AN INTERESTING TURN ON EVENTS tim's roommate Vaughn texted me a few days ago to apologize for our concert outing. I was so shocked when he reached out to me. I have actively avoided him since that night and made comments to Tim that I don't particularly want to hang out with him as much as I did before. I doubt that Tim said anything to him but he must have noticed my absence so he reached out to me. He wanted to apologize for being weird at the concert. He was just nervous that it was our first time hanging out without Tim and  he regrets saying what he did. He wanted to let me know that he really does enjoy having me over the house and that he hopes in the future we can attempt to socialize again in a situation that will make us both comfortable.

I can't tell you how relieved this text exchange made me. Obviously, I recognized how awful that outing was but it was mind blowing to have him recognize it as well and take responsibility for his part. I of course took ownership as well of how standoffish I was. I expressed my regret that the night didn't turn out as either of us expected but that I appreciated him reaching out to me. He didn't have to but he did because I have made some impression on him. He recognizes that he'd rather mend fences than not talk and there is something so mature in that approach.

So if Vaughn, socially awkward roommate that I've only hung out with a handful of times, can apologize and try to make amends with me why can't Tim. Why isn't he taking any sort of responsibility for how awful Tuesday was. Why I am, again, feeling like I've done something wrong. Why am I the one reaching out and trying to communicate like an adult. It's fucking insane really.

Today he seems in a better mood. There has been some interaction and acknowledgement of my existence but he doesn't want me to come over for happy hour and doesn't thin k he'll be able to make it to the pizza festival we planned on hitting up Saturday. I am crushed and gutted and honestly pissed that our friendship means so little to him that a metal concert can create a cloud over the incredible times we've had.

And surprisingly the only thing keeping me from completely crying at my desk or sulking at home are my moms words: "there is no one like you" and his loss is his and his alone.