Friday, October 21, 2016


A real post shortly :)

Until then, this is the extent of my Fall decorating (and other fall like activities) for this year.

I sort of adore the simplicity of my life these days.

Sunday, October 09, 2016

Pros Vs. Cons about Car Ownership

Pro's: damn near everything. 

Con's: being hounded by my aunt to drive her and my cousin all over the place because she is a manipulative, free-loading, disgrace of a person who has literally gone out of her way to say I am not being a good niece because I don't want to drive her all over the place. 

I wish I was exaggerating but after two splendid days at New York Comic Con with my friend Heather I woke up today to a litany of texts from my aunt (who I've been avoiding since my car purchase) asking me to drive my cousin Michelle to a Girl Scouts meeting in a town I have never driven to. 

Unfortunately, while I have had only had my car for about 3 weeks my aunt has asked me almost every day to either drive her to work, pick Michelle up from places I've never been too or help her run errands. I have ignored all of these requests because my aunt has a proven record of using people. This doesn't mean that I do not feel a little guilty for not being their unpaid cab driver but I don't want to get into a habit of picking her up occasionally that she grows to believe she can also rely on me for a free ride. 

While I was at Comic Con yesterday she sent me a nasty text accusing me of avoiding her. When I told her I was busy, she said she's been dying to see my car since I got it and that I make her so sick for denying her this! I then wake up today with a text from asking me to drive Michelle to some Girl Scout Meeting this afternoon. 

I am livid. I am pissed. I love my Blackberry but I never thought having a car would come with this awful responsibility of informing people that you are not a cab driver and that they will have to make do as they have in the past without a car. I am so mayad. I can't even process my anger. 

Comic Con however was very fun and I got so much free swag, i have to go through most of it like I used to go through candy stashes as a kid. 

End Rant 

Friday, September 30, 2016

My Boo the Blackberry

Why didn't anyone tell me that  car ownership and driving and like mobility is the greatest thing in the whole entire world? I feel like everyone's just kept this giant secret from me to save me from how horrible public transportation is in comparison.

It's been 9 days since I picked up my car! Her name is The Blackberry and despite being 7 years old and in need of some TLC, I love her. I officially purchased the car September 10th, but I didn't pick her up until last Wednesday because she was kind of in rough shape when we first arrived at the dealership. I was totally okay with waiting a few days for the car while the dealership fixed her up and repaired some obvious problems (e.i, the broken handle on the car). But quickly those days became weeks and I was starting to get super nervous. I got this car at a ridiculous price due to some fuck up by the dealership, so i was worried that they had changed their mind. Doesn't matter that I put down money and signed a bunch of papers, I thought maybe they could still renege on the deal because they realzied how big of a deal this was.

Or maybe, they sold me a effing lemon and it was taking so long to repair because the car was a piece of junk. My first real car was a 96 Mazda. My mom bought it for my brother and I when I was in the 11th grade. I rarely got to drive this car because my brother pretty much claimed it as his own from day one and subsequently put that car through so much hell, it was barely something either of us could drive on the road. My mom spent more money having to fix it (or tow it) that she was more than happy to sell it a few years later for $500. Because I know buying used comes with more cons than pros, I convinced myself after a week of waiting that I purchase a lemon and that the dealership was trying to mask how much of a lemon it really was before I drove off the lot.

In reality, it took so long for me to pick up the car because they had to order the handle which took longer to arrive than any of us thought. Last Sunday I was told that the handle would arrive on Monday and I could pick it up then. Of course Monday rolled around and  I was told the part could come in Tuesday or Wednesday.  It definitely did not come in on Tuesday even though I was prepared to go to the dealership after work alone because Heather was unavailable that day to take me.  The part eventually came in Wednesday afternoon and I was able to pick up my car later in the day.

Since then I've been cautiously driving like a 16 year who just got her license. This is not an exaggeration. I got my actual drivers license a day before moving up to New York and spent the next 8 years walking all over the damn place, using public transportation and/or getting rides from friends. I am the most inexperienced legal driver ever. So while this car thing is very exciting and my car is freaking adorable it still feels..unreal. This feels like a temporary experience instead of an everyday thing. I keep waiting for someone to tell me my week is up and I have to return the car to the rental place or worse it's actual owner.

Of course, it is all mine. I do not have to return her and she is paid off so no one can take her from me but the experience of driving to work and going to the supermarket or even to the library is so...strange. Things don't take as nearly as much time as they used to which of course results in me having more time to do things. It used to take me an hour and 15 minutes to get to work via the bus. Now my trip is 25 minutes top. Since I don't start work until 10am but am usually up at 6:30, I can actually do things in the morning. Or at least that was what I initially told myself. The last couple of days I've just stayed in bed longer instead of i don't know, going for a jog/eating breakfast / making my bed. I've just extended sleep because...obviously.

I am hoping this new found Independence and  great new addition to my life is only some marker of all the great things to come. I've been in such a lull personally, emotionally and mentally these days this car has become a source of light.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Melatonin Nights

On Monday I had a small panic attack at work. My panic attacks are generally very internal. There are no visible signs that I am freaking the hell out but inside I am just a mess of nerves. I get anxious and nauseous and light-headed. I feel faint and suddenly overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion and then because I've had the attack I immediately feel ashamed afterwards because "what the hell".

I am anxious about a whole lot of things these days: some things I can control and some things I can't.

As you may know I bought a Car on Saturday! Woor Woot! I wish there was some long dramatic story I could tell you regarding the purchase. But honestly, I hung out with Heather on Friday and sort of spent the whole time complaining about public transportation. Last Thursday I left work early because I needed to run errands after work. I got out work at 4:30 and did not get home until 7:00pm. If I had a car my commute home would be 30 minutes at the max but because I have to take two buses to get home, my commute can sometimes be a disaster.

As I am complaining to Heather she bluntly tells me "the moment you say you are physically ready to buy a car. We'll find you a car"  Of course she reminded me of our last disastrous not car buying experience and wanted to make sure that if i said I was "ready" it meant I was absolutely able to put down money. I of course told her I was, even though I may have fudged about what I could and could not realistically afford.  My budget was a low 5k and including taxes I was only looking to spend about 5400 all in.

In the car world this is not a lot of money and I thought I would not be able to find a car at that price that wasn't a lemon. The next day she calls me at like 10am and says"so I'm not sure how serious you were yesterday but if you are, i think i may have found you a car". The car was well over my 5k budget but Heather was sure she could talk them down a few hundred bucks because she is really good at this car buying stuff. We get to the car dealership and of course I am smitten with it as soon as I see it. This love only continued to grow when I test drove it and felt like the boss ass bitch that I aspire to be. When we got back to the dealership to crunch numbers I realized that the mileage on the car was misquoted by 30K. When i bring this up to Heather she pounces on it and the salesman like a pit bull. He apologizes profusely for misleading us and then says he will knock off $1500 from the car because "we are not in the business of scamming people and obviously the mileage is well over what it shows on the website".

And that my friends is how I walked out with a 2009, Nissan Versa that was $1500 less than my original budget. Well, not really walked out. I am still waiting for them to fix up a free bumps and scraps on the car so  I could get the car as soon as tomorrow or as far as next week. In the meantime, I have had to get insurance, take a defensive driver class and buy things for my car that as a car owner I didn't know I needed. As I wait, I am also filled with anxiety about my impending independence but also having to drive on New York roads. I am a very inexperienced driver and the idea of driving on the highway makes me want to hurl but I can't take back roads my whole life and I can't chicken out now and continue taking the bus until I'm 90 years old.

My other anxiety front is this falling out with Kat. She's been super quiet since I went ghost on her a month ago but I keep having this sense that this relative calm and quietness could mean a storm is coming OR Kat is absolutely okay with us not being friends which is only bothersome because it means she thinks I am at fault. For the past month, I thought I've had the upper hand in ending this friendship. That I took this big step in reclaiming my independence and terminating a friendship that was unhealthy with a person who was unhealthy. This doesn't mean I am not in many ways grieving the loss of the friendship, when it was good it was fabulous and I don't think I'll ever have such an intense bond with another friend as I did with her. But her relatives okay-ness (which I can only assume at this point) makes me think that this was her plan all along. When I asked her about her birthday festivities she was the one who said he wasn't interested in celebrating with me. Maybe she was done and had decided she was done well before I reached out to her and instead of me cutting the cord Kat cut it. 

If that's the case, holy effing hell, am I to blame for our falling out? Am I such a difficult person to have in people's lives that rejection is imminent.  I am a person who needs her space. I can love immensely but when I feel smothered I have a tendency of retreating because I need "me" time. Does this come across as mean? I am not sure, but Kat often accused me of being mean because of my desire to spend time apart and if this is true what a horrible effing feeling that is. Selfishly, I'd much rather be a case of us growing apart because we expected different things from each other. I'd much rather take some of the blame then all of the blame (even though I have of course but her in a position where she is at fault). Whatever the case, I am feeling a little off this week and just out of place.

My life anxieties are of course compounded with the news and while I am not a person who likes to discuss money, religion or politics....what the holy hell is happening. Just a few weeks ago I was riding high from the DNC and feeling super patriotic and grateful as fuck to be alive to see a women accept the nomination as Presidential Candidate. And now, I am filled with dread and terror and just awfulness because we have a man running who is the fucking worst, just the fucking worst and her chances now seems slimmer than ever. I have had to stop myself from watching the news because last week after watching the Matt Lauer disaster, I physically got sick and ended up throwing up and then couldn't go to sleep. It was awful and since then I've been taking Melatonin to sleep better and the only food I can keep down this week is toasted bread.

I am worried. Very fucking worried because I have seen some atrocious, awful and hateful things during the campaign and I cannot imagine an American with that dipshit as my commander is chief but we are nearing the finish line and this motherfucker is still front and center and I am baffled and I am nervous and I am afraid.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

:: snoopy dance::

I bought a car today!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Falling into Autum....

I'm feeling all sorts of gross and anxious day. The Kat thing is hitting me hard this week, not necessarily cause I miss her crazy ways but because in her absence I all of a sudden feel very alone. How did i go from having so many friends and people around me to....well a very small few. Maybe two, if I'm being honest.

To calm my anxiety I'm trying to create a dope ass Fall playlist for the impending cold mornings and changing leaves. It is my hope that Fall will bring about really great changes (both in my life and maybe my mood) because right now I feel sort of...alone and stuck and without a clue if the decisions I am making will lead to results I am actually happy with.

Le Sigh.