Every week we seem to come up with another reason why we need to have a meeting regarding previous meetings....and it is driving me nuts.
Today was a little different only because 2 out of the 5 meetings were to go over office policies and such but that did not stop me from zoning out.
Following the meetings, we then got a mass office email asking everyone to meet in the conference room at 4:30 to partake in another 'birthday cake-awkward singing-followed by awkward returning to our cubicles to avoid conversing with co-workers' celebration.
I casually ducked out of the office at 4:29 to answer a phone call and spent 15 minutes hiding on another floor until I was certain the 'celebrating was over'. Luckily no one noticed (or didn't care) that I was MIA for the celebration and I was relieved not to have to make up some lie about where i was.
I hate that I hate my job but not for reasons that have to do with my actual responsibilities there. I hate that this gig turned out to be just a place I go to for 8 hours a day to make money and not a place where I am doing something I love with people I like being around.
July is tough month for a billion and one reasons (most of it having to do with memories of ashat) and I feel crankier, grumpier and sort of in the dumps lately. I made the stupid mistake of unblocking him for a few days on facebook because I thought I could easily resist the urge to go to his page. My will lasted all but 10 seconds and I found out he is now stationed in Japan, probably living it up while I sulk and still think about him more than I should.
As someone who is always giving advice, I find myself telling my friends more often than not that they can't spend their life measuring their achievements and experiences to someone else's. This is hard to do of course when social media makes it seem as if every one is progressing at a faster rate. If you aren't getting engaged, moving in with your significant others, returning to college for another degree, landing a new job, traveling the world or having a baby the constant reminders that everyone around you is...can be depressing.
I rarely get jealousy of the monumental life events of others. Generally I tend to a) be happy for someone who expresses the good fortune in their life (or just uninterested enough to care )and I am unabashedly proud of every small or big achievement in my own life. Like today I was able to find socks that matched. That shit is huge! I was so freaking happy, I wish I could have announced it to the whole world. Instead I just walked around all day knowing if I took my shoes off, i'd for once, have socks that matched.
The only time I fail to follow my own advice (of not being a hater) is when it comes to ashat. He has made me so miserable these last few years, that the thought that he now has this exciting new life sans me depresses the shit out of me. In my black and white thinking, he so easily gets to move on and start over and experience new and tremendous things while I sit here at home on a Monday night, drinking apple cider sulking about my shit job, my lack of a social life, and my feelings of ennui.
And this isn't to say I don't want him to have a good and kind life. Surprisingly, despite everything, I do not wish misery on him. But I am not going to lie, when I saw his announcement on facebook that he was now stationed in Japan I was filled with anger, jealousy, rage and resentment. It was stupid punch in the gut in some weird way, like how the hell do you get to live this amazing life, when you are such a shitty person, when you have caused so much pain. How do you get to just continue on without any sense of guilt, while I hold on to everything like it's my curse.
I quickly blocked him again and sure as hell will not let curiosity get the best of me for a very long time. But I suspect this month will continue to be hard regardless (his birthday is just around the corner, I might literally spend all day under the covers) but I can't stew in this funk for too long.