Wednesday, July 27, 2016


All of my posts should start with "work is killing me" cause jebsus effing Christmas, this place is killing me. And it's only Wednesday. How is is only Wednesday.

Tomorrow my boss has decided to have a company wide meeting to discuss our progress and goals moving forward. We have these meetings every 4 months where we gather in our big conference room for an hour while he goes over, in excruciating detail, all the things we are doing well and obviously on the things that could still needs improvement.

I hate these meetings. I've only been to 3 since I started at this job but they are the most meaningless things in the whole entire world and I spend most of my time drawing unhappy faces in my notebook. Tomorrow though, my boss decided to mix it up: not only are we having a meeting but it is going to be in the afternoon instead of the morning and afterwards he expects us all to attend a summer party on the patio to revel in his successful career venture.

The meeting is supposed to run from 5:30pm to 7:00pm (excluding the after party) and I am livid that I even have to attend this thing. My role in the company is marginal at best, I am the only one who takes public transportation and my town is so far away that even if I do catch the last bus home, I will still have to pay for a cab or take the train to get to my actual neighborhood. I have already planned an escape route so I don't have to go to this party but there is no way to avoid the meeting. I am dreading this meeting. I am dreading the awkwardness that comes about when there are gatherings of any sort. I want to sit as close to the exit as possible. I don't want to engage in small talk. I'd rather just disappear.

The only good thing about this job is they pay me well or okay enough to live normally. I plan on buying a car in two weeks because i've saved up enough money to purchase one without too much financial worries. It's so weird that 8 years ago, I didn't even think i'd ever get my drivers license because i keep failing the test. I finally got my license a few days before moving to New York but by then I owning/driving a car was not in my near future. And now here I am, only a few more shitty bus and train rides away from owning a car and driving, finally driving.

The idea of how much independence this will give me is overwhelming. I am so used to being the passenger, it will be an adjustment to be the driver. To have a little more control over...well everything. Metaphor for life, I guess.

Le sigh. 5 more hours to go.

Friday, July 01, 2016


Don't worry, this isn't from Satan himself (aka Sean, who if you can believe,  I have not actively talked to in almost 2 years!)

This is from my ex-friend Justin. Or Patricia's boyfriend. Now Fiance.

I work with Patricia who hates my freaking guts. When I first started, she actively went out of her way to throw me under a bus to make me look bad. Because I am doing so well at my job she can't find ways to make me look bad so instead she is actively nasty or dismissive of me. All because I told her her guy friend at work was being sort of inappropriate towards me. Le sigh.

Needless to say Patricia and I are not friends and by proxy I am also not friends with Justin who ignored me when I stopped by the store to say hi a few months ago. Literally, I went up to him, said hi and he walked in the opposite direction without uttering anything to me.  I thought maybe he didn't hear me, so I followed him and said hi again. He stopped, shelved a book and walked by me again without uttering a word.

So, I am very confused why I got this stupid email last weekend about their engagement. I only found out they were engaged via Kat who received an email from Justin saying he wanted to let her know first that Patricia gave him an ultimatum (we are getting married or I am not supporting you any more) and that he feels like being with her is a death sentence but he doesn't really have a choice.

And even though i've known about the engagement since it first happened neither Justin nor Patricia have mentioned it to me, despite the fact that I see Patricia every day at work and she has told plenty of people from the office about her engagement while proudly showing them the ring she bought.

I can't imagine gifting Justin or Patricia anything because they decided to marry for the sake of marrying. And who the hell has an engagement party? Especially after announcing to both family and friends via Facebook that you are engaged.

I've been sitting on this email for 5 days, not really knowing what or if to say anything. I weighed the pros and cons. I could go, show my support, make amends and attend a wedding in the fall of 2017 with my friends.

Or, throw subtle shade, burn a bridge that wasn't worth saving and move on.

I guess by my response you can tell which petty road I took.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Fingers Crossed

I literally just fell asleep at my cubicle. No lie. For a brief minute or two I actually dozed off,  only to be startled awake by a soft snore. How is it only Wednesday? Why is it not at least 5:30, so I can start packing my stuff and head home? Why the hell am I still here at this cubicle doing my job on daily auto pilot? 

Creepy Guy and Annoying girl are both  on vacation this week and without the constant pitter patter of Creepy Guy hovering near my desk or the annoying and asinine ramblings of Annoying Girl(who i don't think i've mentioned before) talking insistently,  the office is pretty quiet this week. Like excruciatingly quiet. Like i-have-run-out-of-ways-to-even-fake-busy quiet.

Crush boy has been pretty aloof and uninteresting this week and I am sort of bummed out by the lack of consistency in our budding friendship. He vacillates between being an engaging and inquisitive guy to an aloof, distant and static robot. This week he is a robot and because I am uber sensitive, I am trying not to be hurt but the sudden malfunction. I can't help wondering (of course) what or if or why things have suddenly soured between us.

He seems to have given up all of a sudden and because I am not as invested to the relationship outside of curiosity and musings, I haven't put much of an effort to figure out why.
I too am at fault for some of this static work week. I have other things on my mind and this hasn't made me much of an inviting person lately. Last weekend Heather and I had a impromptu hangout where we ran errands, drank coffee and complained about stuff. I'm not sure why I enjoy doing this with Heather as much as I do. But honesty anytime she asks me to run errands with her, my answer is immediately yes.

Last weekend was no different. She picked me up around noon so we could run around buying things we needed (groceries, office supplies, coffee) and some things we didn't (moleskin notebooks, decor related items, candy). During our hangout she mentioned that one of my supervisors at the University recently got a promotion and was no longer at my old department. With her absence there is now a full time position open  and she thinks I should apply because my boss loved me and I could get my job back at a place that i adored.

It took me a moment to digest the news. I've been looking for a opportunity to rejoin the University since I left. I only quit because I was poor, poorer than I've ever been in my life and at the time my boss did not have a full time gig to offer me. So on many fronts being able to return, this time with a salary and benefits, would be amazing, plus i could go back to school for free. I am only a little apprehensive about the gig because my department was always on the brink of huge budget cuts and at the time I quit, I was nervous they were going to let some people go to save money.

Regardless, I sent in my resume and cover letter a week ago. I haven't heard anything back yet and am not sure if I should reach out to my former boss just to let him know I am interested. I feel like every decision I make for myself now has this immediate effect. I quit the bookstore, I moved to a new town, I got a new job and my life is so freaking different than i ever could imagine. Mentally and physically. I'm in a good place. I still struggle emotionally and I guess socially and I must admit this is pretty frustrating.

I want to return to the University for a litany of good reasons, but mainly for one selfish one. I miss being around people. I miss being park of a community. I miss being surrounded by potential relationships. And that fact that every one I have started to form at this job has fallen threw the cracks or is Patricia's case the depths of hell, returning to the University could greatly impact my nonexistent social life. Because it is non existent outside of my mom and Kat. And that shit is sort of depressing

Le sigh.

Sunday, June 05, 2016

The Spinster Diaries

My mom said something insensitive the other day and while at first I was upset at her, I realize I have suddenly crossed that weird threshold where if I am not in a relationship, engaged or already married with five children my achievements outside of that and that alone mean nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing to anyone. And it's sort of frustrating.

Le Fucking Sigh.

Per usual Kat and I hung out on Friday where she expressed concerns about my crush/new guy situation. This crush thing sort of crept up out of nowhere and honestly I am going in it with little to no real exceptions. I like him but I am not sure if it is on a romantic or platonic level. We primarily talk via gchat and occasionally face to face when he isn't actively avoiding me. I find him interesting but doesn't that come with meeting anyone with similar interests? We come from completely different backgrounds and yet bound over music, books and outlook on life. We spend the bulk of our day at work sending each other music via spotify and analyzing lyrics. He's nice, I mean as much as anyone could be. At the moment he is also the only person I tolerate at work, so that too might have something to do with my curiosity and attraction.

I will not assume what or if the boy has any interest in me. I think he finds me somewhat interesting and a confidant to talk to at work. But for every good interaction where we pass the hours 'talking', there are other days when he is distant and preoccupied. He has literally gone days without saying anything to me followed by a days where he seems overwhelmed with everything he wants to tell or ask me.  That's why it came as a complete shock when he offered to drive me home the other week because I got the sense that I had annoyed him somehow due to him not being overly chatty or engaged in my attempts to converse.

Then out of the blue one day that week he asks if I need a ride home and i'm all like "holy shit yes!". Of course on the ride home, I liked him more. He was a little nervous but funny, he seemed more comfortable in his car and I was glad that we were able to talk freely and with the same enthusiasm as our work conversations have been. Despite my initial 'omg, a boy i could potentially like is driving me home' excitement, when it is all over and done with we are  simply just getting to know each other, so I want things to evolve naturally. Whatever that mean. He's going back to school in the fall and I might have an opportunity to return to the University on a full time basis. So whatever is or is not happening between us will evolve as it's supposed to.

Of course, this doesn't stop my mom or Kat from meddling in my interest of this boy and for completely different reasons. On the Kat front, she was annoyed that crush boy drove me home this past Friday because it interfered with her weekly routine of picking me up, grabbing salads and going back to my house.  Then during dinner all she could do was express concern that this guy situation could mean I have less time for her. She legitimately expressed this concern. I feel like she is incapable of seeing me be happy and what's worse is that I don't think she is aware of this. She'd ask questions like "but do you think he's going to want to hang out every week" "what does that mean about the free-time you have for me".

 I am grateful for Kat's friendship but as I mature, I don't want her to be so reliant on me for companionship. I wouldn't mind going weeks without seeing or talking to Kat because we are too busy doing our own things and killing it! Instead I feel weighed down by her friendship and expectations of me. I feel trapped in a one sided friendship where my goal is to make her happy and secure while I am less happy and secure. She is a succubus, and my life source is fading.

I've decided to not tell her anything else or happenings between the boy and I (so there will probably be a lot of it here if anything develops) and also keep her out of the loop on any big changes I am planning. I need my own life, I am ready for my own life, I simply cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness outside of my own. 

On the mom front, upon learning of this crush boy she immediately went from "i don't think this is a good idea" to "you know what, you really do just need to find a man, any man, so I think you need to be more assertive". I cannot tell you how gutted I was. As you may or may not know, I have not had many romantic relationships and the one that I 'did' have was not really a relationship but more of a complete and utter disaster. But why should it matter if i'm single or with someone? Why would i need to "find a man, any man" to fulfill my life. I'm not saying I want to be single forever because honestly i'd like to spend my life with someone nice and kind and funny but it's not something I dwell on.

Honestly I've been killing it the last two years as a  single chick getting her life together. I have my own place, I have more money in my bank account then ever, I have a full time job, I'm finding my creative voice again, I am on this serene journey towards physical, mental and emotional stability, I look super cute 5 out of 7 days a week. I am so proud of the women I am becoming and because of this there is something frustrating that those achievements mean so little because I am not with someone. Anytime I go out with friends or talk to family members it is the first and only questions that pops up. "So how are you?" "I'm doing really great!" "Oh nice, who's the new fellow in your life" "Oh, no i'm not dating anyone, things are just good cause---" "Oh..."

I hate that a single man in his 20s,30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is a bachelor who has decided to live the single life. That person is admired because of his tenacity, grit and single-hood. He can travel around the world, buy property, actively date women, pursue a career and still be seen as someone who is successful. A single woman in her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is considered a spinster who is unlucky in love. That person is pitied because of her inability to secure a mate. There must be something wrong with this person who is often portrayed or characterized as a lonely, cantankerous figure envious of her friends in committed relationship. This person's success will never amount to much because of her mate-less-ness.

This is an infuriating concept! Infuriating and yet, here I am being damn near condemned by Kat for having an interest in a guy that could take away her spinster friend who is always available to her when she needs to vent or cry or because her bf doesn't want to go to an art show that she's been dying to attend. Here I am, being told by my mom that she just wants me to 'have a husband'. Why can't i just be boss ass Beckett living her life however I want without this pressure of seeing or nor seeing someone. Why is this boy, who didn't say much to me outside of "hello' last week, more interesting of a tale than say me: saving 10K, going to Canada, rock climbing and writing my first novel. Why is our/my success in life only measured by who I am or am not shacking up with.

It doesn't make any sense. Any sense at all. And it's sort of disheartening cause I feel like whatever I accomplish doesn't measure up to much if I don't have a dashing gentlemen in the periphery.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Boy O Boy

Crush boy offered to  give me a ride home.

Looking like I bake pie for a living apparently worked.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

All the Feels

crush boy makes me sweat. uncomfortably. like when he is around, I am drenched in sweat. Is that supposed to happen. where is all this water coming from.

I don't even know what it is. He's a normal boy. And I'm a normal girl. Except on days, like today, where I get all fancied up in hopes that he'll notice and talk to me. I am wearing a stupid polka dot dress and a cardigan with knee high boots. I looked like i am on my way to make cherry pie. The sweetness is unbecoming. I am actually a carnivorous beast but he is sweet and shy and slightly skittish so I thought i'd dress innocent and wholesome (instead of carnivorous and beastly) so, you know, he'd be less nervous around me.

I mean who can be nervous around a girl who looks sweet? I look like I bake cupcakes for a living. But alas, the boy is still being super distant and weird even though I catch  him looking at me all the time. It's confusing. I am confused and also very sweaty

Monday, May 16, 2016

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted.

In a blink of an eye my vacation has come and gone.

I can't freaking believe it. I feel like I was just talking about going on vacation and now here I am back in New York and  miserable as hell. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration I am not miserable (crush boy is making things easier but more on that later) but I definitely could have used another week (or two) of chill time instead of being thrust back in to the real world.

For the most part my vacation was pretty spectacular. After my cousins finance called off their wedding, I didn't see the point of cancelling my vacation. I know, I know that sounds terrible but I'm just being open and honest. This is a very distant and much older cousin who I haven't seen in a billion years and I was only going as my moms plus one. While  I sympathized with my cousin, I could not justify throwing away a whole week of being home just because the wedding was called off. Especially since my mom would be on vacation at the same time.

I knew that I had vacation time saved up and for the first time in a year I was able to book one without having to worry about my finances too much. Because my mom and I are pretty much best friends for life, we decided to split my time home in half: four days at my moms house  and 3 days in Charleston with our extended family. As a treat, for ourselves, we decided to rent a hotel one of the days in Charleston so we could freely site see and shop and eat food sans the constraint of being around family

We only decided the last part because days before I flew home, I found out my  drama-filled aunt and her daughter, Michelle, were coming down south (as well) to spend a few days with our grandma who lives in Charleston. My trip and their trip would only overlap for two days but based on the fact that my relationship with my aunt continues to test my patience there  was cause for concern once I heard we'd be on vacation at the same time, in the same place.

This is the aunt who i first lived with when i moved to New York. This is the same aunt who 'kicked me out' because I was taking up too much space. This is the same aunt we went to Washington D.C with, who still has not paid me or my mom back for the train ticket and hotel room we purchased so her and Michelle could come with us. This is the same aunt who recently asked both my mother and I for $1000 because she failed to pay her electricity bill. I love my aunt, I really do, but as you can tell she's not without fault and drama.

Lately, her new source of drama is health related. She had a freak accident a little over two years ago (she tripped onto some train tracks after the train departed) and has had a few minor surgeries to repair the fractions she obviously received. While I am not diminishing the severity of her accident, I do think she is milking the attention she's gotten from it. Though she complained to her insurance company that the accident left her emotionally and physically unable to work for 6 months, I saw her two weeks after the accident at Target because there was a sale on clothes she could not pass up. Grant it, she had a cane and a limp but if she was well enough to walk all the way from her apartment to Target to buy things then why tell your insurance company other wise.

Most recently, my cousin Michelle has adopted this need to fain sick for attention or approval. She's 10 years old and suffice it to say there a multitude of emotions and concerns that have come up because of this.  I have a much longer post planned for this part. I wrote it a month ago after Michelle had an 'incident' at school but I've been hesitant to post it because it's uber personal and private. For the sake of this post, I will only say that for the past few months Karen has had Michelle diagnosed with a litany of health issues:  asthma, juvenile arthritis, sleep apnea, various joint ailments and recently...wait for it...muscular dsystrophy.

For obvious reasons I claim BS on all of this (especially muscular dystrophy which she could not even pronounce yet alone have or pretend to have) because she's a 10 year old kid with no authentic signs of sickness. I only say this because from what I've seen,  her 'ailments' only come around when my aunt is there. I spent Christmas Eve  and Day with them and for a few hours I babysit Michelle while my aunt was out buying groceries. During the hour or that she was gone Michelle was bouncing off the walls from pre Christmas excitement. We danced in the living room, baked cookies, ran around outside because it was freaking 70 degrees and played various games. She was perfectly normal.

As soon as my aunt came home, Michelle became a different kid. Everything hurt, she couldn't breathe, she developed weird jerky spasms, she was meek and dependent and I was confused as hell by the turn around.

Of course even having these suspicion regarding Michelle's health is...a line I am not ready to cross. For one, I think her reasons for faking ill is closely related to the warped relationship she has with my aunt. My aunt is not a good mother. She doesn't nurture, she doesn't know how to take care or sustain things. She is self involved to the point of emotional neglect and I think Michelle is at an age now where it is having an affect on her. Secondly, my aunt seems to thrive off of having a 'sick' kid which only causes Michelle to act out more. When she isn't talking about her own aches and pain caused by the accident, she is constantly showing me all the medicine Michelle is on and babying her to the point of annoyance for anyone who has to watch.

It's a mess.

Anyway, I've let my mom in on this recent drama with my aunt but I don't think either of us was prepared for the act in full force. but I'll get to that after the positive aspects of my vacation!

On the whole, my trip home was relaxing, fun and comforting. I am glad my mom and I have the relationship we do (more best friend than mom) and I spent 7 days enjoying her company. My mom is this gregarious, goofy and charming women who is too good natured for this world. I say that outside of being her daughter. She makes me laugh harder than anyone else and while i was home, I wanted to be around her all the time just to listen to her tell stories.

 It was a good 7 days of bonding with her and my nephew Elliot. I can't describe how much I love my nephew. He is full of kisses and hugs and sweet talking. He's five now and he likes to talk to me on the phone, so before I even got to my mom's house he was counting down the days before my arrival. When I finally showed up, he greeted me with love and warmth that I will never understand. He doesn't even know me but he loves me and he likes to show this love with hugs and gifting me juice boxes when i was thirsty.

For 4 days my mom and I stayed in town, reconnecting, running errands, shopping and decorating. On the fifth day we headed to Charleston to visit my extended  family and meet up with Karen and Michelle. We knew that staying with Karen and Michelle at my grandma's house was going to be an ordeal, so we headed to Charleston a day earlier than expected,  rented a hotel in downtown Charleston and enjoyed a day of sight seeing and eating. It was glorious.

When Karen and Michelle arrived the next day we were prepared for the worst and like clockwork the drama started as soon as they arrived. My uncle picked them up at the airport while the three of us (my mom, grandma and I) waited at the house for them. As soon as they arrive my aunt starts recounting the harrowing story of Michelle's asthma related attack on the ride from the airport. Except it's not really asthma she ends up describing. Apparently Michelle now has a new disorder where....wait for it....cold air or warm air or extremely hot air makes her body convulse in this cartoonish jerky movements, followed by hyperventilation which then causes her to pass out. I was a little confused when my aunt was re-telling the story: they get into my uncles air conditioned car, Michelle starts shaking because it's cold, so he turns off the AC which causes her to shake even more, so my aunts has to pull out her emergency inhaler...

I gave my mom a knowing look as my aunt finished up her story waiting for us to react. My mom turned and apologized to my uncle for the inconvenience, my grandma shook her head and went back in the house to watch her game shows and I rolled my eyes and asked if anyone was hungry because I was famished! How else were we supposed to respond.

After they settled in we decided to head back downtown to Charleston because Karen and Michelle hadn't been in almost 9 years and as far as anyone else knew my mom and I hadn't been to Charleston either. My grandma opted out of going because she's older and can't get around as fast as she used to, so it was just the four of us.

We were downtown for about two hours before Michelle decided to have one of her meltdowns. Up until this point, she was on her cellphone or her tablet ignoring the beauty of Charleston and her heritage. She was only ever engaged when we brought up eating or when there was something kid related for her to do. I was annoyed that she was more interested in watching youtube on her phone than learning about where we are from but she's ten so I gave her a pass. I wanted to head to the historic part of Charleston to take pictures and we all agreed it would be a nice walk because the day was perfect. As soon as I stop to take a photo of a gorgeous house Michelle says "i want to go feet hurt". I put my camera down and tell her "you're 10 years old, we've been out here for less than 2 hours there is no way your feet are hurting".

I can tell in her face that she is planning something. She looks hurt that I called her out for complaining which I only did because I knew she wanted to go back to our grandma's house to watch television.

Before I can even turn around to to resume taking a picture,  Michelle starts shaking and jerking in the most hilarious way. It was like a jig more than a shake and the movements are so forced I can't believe anyone who's seen it has taken it seriously. My aunt announces with what I can only describe as weird excitement "oh no! Michelle is having an attack" and starts pulling out various instruments of health: an inhaler (because you know shaking uncontrollably must mean you can't breath), some pills and a fucking airway device that she was hiding in what I thought was a lunch bag. SHE DID NOT HAVE LUNCH in the bag.

My mom, who is devouring an ice-cream, causally says "what the crap is this--" but my aunt cuts her off and tends to Michelle by fanning her face and holding her up. "It must be too hot outside" she says and of course Michelle agrees through hiccups that she is taking a turn for the worst because it's too hot and her feet are tired. I ask her is she needs to me get her water, and she meekly says yes. I slowly walk to a cafe and buy a bottle of water, when I return all three of them are sitting down. Michelle starts guzzling the water but instead of getting better her "shakes" get worse because now 'the water is too cold!".

At this point my mom, gets up and starts walking back to the car, which mind you is parked about a mile away. I catch up with her and we exchange a "wtf is going on face' but she is too annoyed and embarrassed to express anything more than that. I look behind us and Karen is practically dragging Michelle by the shoulders as she continues jerking and shaking in what I can only describe as the whip nae nae + the jig. Her arms are flailing, she is contouring her body like she is possessed while she bounces up and down on her feet.

 By the time they catch up to us, we are waiting in front of a cupcake store. As soon as Michelle sees the store front and the cupcakes and the sweets she immediately stops shaking, convulsing and jigging. Like immediately. She straightens up, peers into the window and excitedly asks my aunt Karen if she can get a cupcake. She must have caught me or my mothers eye roll because she quickly followed it with "...because my attack seems to be over and a cupcake would make me feel a little stronger".

I almost screamed at everyone when she said this. I almost lost my cool at my aunt and a 10 year old in front of a cupcake store in Charleston. How in the world is my aunt allowing this to happen? What the hell is going on that Michelle is acting out? How has no one (including myself) called them both out on how preposterous the whole thing is! My mom must have seen my inner dialogue and felt a storm coming because she tells my aunt we'll meet them back at the car and then drags me down the street. We didn't mention anything until we were well out of earshot. But when we finally we are...we are too shocked and concerned to say anything.  There is something terribly wrong and I again feel in a position where I don't know necessarily what to do.

We returned to my moms house the next day where I spent my last day home sleeping for about 12 hours. Going home is always such a weird experience. I keep expecting memories of my time home to come flying back to me when i'm there and instead I spend the bilk of time trying to find out who I was back then only to be disappointed that the reminders are smacking me in the face. Coming back to my home here is also equally exhausting. I still feel like I don't belong and am in search of my place. I think this is my place but not quite yet. After the fiasco with Karen and Michelle, I am having an even harder time adjusting back to the real world and this life I am creating for myself.

Le sigh. I could use another vacation. A staycaction. A grace period to adjust and evaluate and acclimate.