Monday, October 09, 2017
A few weeks ago a boy I used to work with at the bookstore reached out to me via Fb. It's going on 3 years since I left Le Sad Store. 3 whole years and I can't comprehend how much has changed in that time. There was a time where the bookstore and my friends there were my whole life. I had no money, I lived in a shitty room in someone's house, I was in the midst of grief and post college life was turning out to be a dud. The bookstore, despite the crappy pay and shitty hours, was my only real source of happiness. I worked with my friends, I worked with a boy I liked a lot, I felt like I belonged once and for all.
And then everyone went away. My friends got new jobs, the boy i liked turned out to be a boy i could live without and the allure of working at a bookstore had lost all of it's shine. The month before I quit Le Sad Store, I was the most miserable I have ever been. Nothing was working out and it felt like i had overstayed my time at a place I called home.
Since leaving the bookstore, I have not remained in touch with many of those friends. Obviously Kat and Sean are no longer in my life, but there are other people, smaller characters so to speak who meant as much but didn't get as much time devoted to them in the course of journaling my life. There was a boy named Franco who I used to walk home with. We were both hopeless romantics and talked about wanting true love and companionship daily. There was Harold, the graphic artist who I felt such a connection to that was not sexual but spiritual. We understand each others temperament and had an appreciation for the conversation we had outside of work. I have attended both baby showers for his gorgeous sons and he is a constant source of support and kinship in my life. There was also Michelle, my partner in crime when I secretly wanted to hang out with Sean but didn't want anyone to know we were doing so alone. So she would lie and say she went with us just encase anyone asked.
And then there was Blue, who acquired the nickname because his eyes are the most insane hue of Blue. We have mutual friends and hung out occasionally because of his closeness to Kat. He only worked at the bookstore for about a year and then got a temp job in another town so we rarely talked. We almost had a slight falling out b/c of a miscommunication. He was apologetic and then attempted (successfully) to make it up to me by exploring this reservoir with me near my house. We collected rocks and talked about history and then drank mimosas at a bar nearby.
B/c of our mutual friends Blue and I have stayed in touch as much as two people can in the digital age. We have even bumped into each other at social outings with other friends and former co-workers. I can't say, even now, that Blue has ever been anything more than a really good friend. I mean he's super smart and well educated with a side of self deprecation Whenever we did get together to grab dinner or go to the movies, he was always cordial and funny to talk to. But he never really felt like my friend. He knew a lot of the people at the bookstore well before I worked there and he was also in college at the time, so his priorities to that store were not as strong as mine.
In the 3 years since leaving Le Sad Store, I have had very little contact with Blue. Kat hung out with him a few times and bemoaned that he was too boring and talked about history a lot. I would cringe and tell her I was glad he asked her to hang out instead of me. That I couldn't bear having to fill silence with him.
But then a month ago Blue sends me a FB message. He wanted to say hi and see how I was doing and maybe grab dinner. I was hesitant b/c I thought it was a set up (my paranoia is high) and that he wanted to know why Kat and I were no longer friends. When I agreed to go to dinner with him, it was partly to explain myself if he came at me defensively. I was all ready for my speech. I practiced what I would say to him when the dreaded question came up. I was prepared.
But he didn't talk about her at all. He didn't talk about the bookstore. He literally wanted to catch up because "no one likes to interact in person and that's so strange". He got a new job, and a new car, he traveled to Iceland. He is a little lonely b.c it's hard to maintain friends in your 30's. Especially when everyone is settling down. And If i can be honest, I may have accepted the invitation because I am a little lonely as well. Since the falling out with Kat, I feel like the one in the friendship who has lost friends because they all belong to her. I am thankful for my good friend Chantal who I see every weekend but she is lonely as well. She recently had a kid and I think all of her friends abandoned her once the kid arrived. I love kids and I adore her, and I just assumed any hangouts in the future would heavily involve her son which does not bother me at all.
But outside of her my days are spent working at a job i don't like and going home. It is a solitary and often lonely existence and I may be in need of companionship.Whatever that means. I am worried about my alone-ness. I am worried I will get so used to the silence, I will shun the friendship of love from others. I think about the idea of a tribe all the time. And that everyone around me seems to be a part of a community while I continue trekking alone. But I think i want to belong, not necessarily to everyone or thing but I have this urge of belonging and being needed and wanted by some.
And perhaps Blue is doing the same thing or looking for the same thing. Perhaps that is why dinner has quickly turned into dinners and constant communication and dear I say....companionship. I had a completely shit filled Saturday and intended to spend the rest of Sunday sulking because of car issues and health issues and general sickness. But Blue texted me just as I was about to curl into bed and sleep the boredom away. He wanted to know if I wanted to go to a Museum and walk around the city and idk "something adventurous" and instead of saying no I told him I was more than ready to go with him.
And the evening was pretty fucking magical and nice and there was a moment of what can only be described as contentment. We decided to sit on this yellow bench outside of a beer garden and he was open to questions i've been too embarrassed to ask my friends and family. He was attentive and empathetic and a little goofy. He draped his arm around my shoulder and we listen to the wind blow the leaves past our feet. I was sweaty, in this black sweater that I'd be napping in only hours before. The hair on his arms were matted by the humidity. We talked about art and politics and intimacy. We talked about intimacy a lot. I felt flushed. We ended the night eating delicious goulash at the beer garden. The waiter put a candle on our table and I tried to memorize how the light hit his face. I told him it was the perfect day and he agreed.
Ya'll I am shook'th. And i'm so fucking confused. And I don't know what anything means. Nothing happened after he drove me home. I said I had a good time and clumsily ran out of the car. I showered and ate cereal before bed and I struggled to go to sleep and when I could I dreamed of candle light and the color blue. The waking part of my night was spent thinking about his dumb face and the ease and comfort of the day and I felt foolish and dumb and anxious. I have little experience in the boy department. Sean set a bad precedent and I have no clue what to do with the opposite sex that is normal and healthy. I have no idea what to do with Blue.
To be fair there is no indication that Blue regards any of this as something more than casual hanging out. I know that I am a person easily swept up my by emotions and feelings. I have come to accept that I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I have come to accept that sometimes I see signs where there are none, I make connections where connections shouldn't be made. We were just two people enjoying each others company. He was polite and kind and dare I say eager for connection. But dammit all to hell, if I haven't gone and messed it all up with my stupid feelings and desires. I have no choice but to play it by ear. This could be nothing, absolutely nothing. I just am not sure if I want it to be nothing
Monday, October 02, 2017
Friday, August 25, 2017
Ugh, my crush (whom i'm supposed to go apple picking with in a few weeks) turns out to a total cad and now I am devastated and eating a box of cookies while CNN warns me of deadly storm in Texas. Boy is a graphic designer by day and a poet by heart. But today he tells me an awful story of cad-like ways which include bedding a lot of women without a desire to commit. Excited that I dodged a bullet but crushed that for a brief moment there was a boy that had potential to be more.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
I have so many things I want to write and post and journal about.
There are so many new things I want and need to discuss. Work news and friend news and writing news and even some boy news.
And yet every time, I want to write about the happenings of my life I am paralyzed by the state of America.
I am paralyzed and ashamed and frightened and stunned into complete and utter shock and silence.
I am devastated by what happened in Virginia this weekend. I am devastated for the family of three people whose lives were lost. Especially Heather, who could have been me or any of my friends who continually speak out and show up against racism and sexism and goddamn Nazi's.
But more than anything, I am infuriated, nauseated and full of rage towards 45 who continues to show he is not morally, ethically or mentally fit to be the president of the united states.
I am a brown skinned, liberal, environmentally conscious, feminist woman who is against racism, sexism, homophobia, religious intolerance and any form of discrimination towards any group that praises exclusion and suppression.
I am also a young woman trying to be a financially stable and emotional equipped person full of love and compassion for all. I am a person trying to figure out my place in the world, so I can start reaping the benefits of a fulfilling life.
But that growth seems stunted as my country systematically reverts to a time full of such hatred and uncertainty.
My name is Beckett Amelia Hughes. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend and a human fucking being whose never been more afraid in my young life that the country I know and love is slowly leaning toward indecency.