I expect to get some very heated opinions about the questions I am about to pose...but I need advice. Actual, serious, taken out of context, life advice. And though I have gotten plenty of it on the subject ... I guess I just need one final one. And i don't know, I could use perspectives outside of my own or my moms or Kat's. I could use advice from everyone who has knows the emotional context rather than the physical one. I need advice and I don't know who else to go to or if there is any one I can go to who would understand better than you.
No matter how much I claim to be an pessimist, I will always have this thought/assumption/desire/hope that people can change. I will. I do. Despite everything life has shown me I am unable to shake this assumption. I know this because I have changed. I find myself changing constantly and for the better i hope. I am not who I was when I moved here 6 years ago. The girl I knew before Marie died and the girl I am today are different. I am more assertive and take more risks. I am a little jaded and distant. I crave experiences...I welcome change.
What I will never know is if these changes are a result of grief or a result of getting older. I feel they will forever be intertwined. I miss Marie everyday, I miss the girl i was when she was alive. But i admit that I knew the exact moment when i began changing and adapting to to life without her. It was a swift decision as not to drown in my grief. I wanted to distance myself from it and it became easy to do when I distance myself from the girl i was when she was here.
I know about change. I am not an expertise in it but i am definitely a product of it. So I know that people are capable of change; good or bad. They are capable. I know this much to be true. I deal with it every day.
Because this belief is such a core part of me...I am conflicted about Sean's desire to re-establish communication all of a sudden (do not make that face, lol, what else did you think i was going to discuss). Worst, because it is under the pretense that he is 'a changed man' his words not mine.
Let me sum up the last few weeks: Sean contacted on FB because he finally received my birthday card. After ignoring his repeated messages for a week I curtly replied: glad you got your card. take care. He said he was going to send me a long email the following weekend to, idk, thank me or talk.
I of course held some hope his email would say something like: i'm a stupid motherfucker who doesn't deserve to know you but I am reaching out because you were the best person I have ever known and I fucked up royally. I know this does not change anything but i will spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't treat you as well as you treated me.
Or something like that. Just saying. A girl can dream.
Of course his email, like him, was underwhelming. He spent the bulk of it talking about himself and life at sea. He brought up things from the past that I once found funny. He mentioned some things that I posted on fb and concluded the email with this:
I hope that we’ll talk more as time goes by. I will always respond to anything you send me, and I will also take the initiative and write you as often as I can. Take care and enjoy life. It passes by so quickly and yet also at a snail’s pace. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you in January, Beckett.
Don't even get me started on how cliche and grandiose it all sounds. I am fully aware. I wasn't going to write him back but after talking to Heather, one of my more practical friends, i decided responding back firmly might be better than ignoring him. I spent a few days penning the email and my words. I talked little of my life. Told him a lot has changed and concluded with this gem:
..you didn't have time for me in your life or more importantly to be apart of mine. That is why I've been hesitant about this recent communication. I have made space and time for those who can offer it back. I want you to know that I am not about bullshit or dishonesty these days. I have no patience for disrespect or disregard. I have cut people and things out of my life that cannot support my desire to be happy or to offer it in return. I am safeguarding my happiness with barbed wire and I don’t want to waste either of our time if it’s something we can’t offer each other. I will never be ready to share my experiences and growth and life and stories with you as my friend if it is something you can‘t offer back. This is something that is not negotiable in my life.
I want you to know that I am not ignoring the more serious points of your email, Becks. I read everything, and how I respond is thusly: I will write to you as often as I receive word from you, and I am sorry for the negative aspects of 'radio silence' thus far. I leave the rest up to you.
Not everything with me and you has to be a negotiation, but I’m glad you still keep it real. Stay comfy and cozy and enjoy your life. Also make room for jars of sand and rocks, if you still want sand and rocks.
That was 12 days ago. I have not responded in 12 days. My relationship with Sean often feels like we are playing a game of Chess but neither of us are very good at it. The only thing we excel at is the part where we wait patiently for the other person to make a move (however poor that move is) and now it is my turn.
Right off the back, I am offended by how contradictory he sounds: i'll take initiative only if you give me permission. I am sorry for the radio silence but how and if we talk is up to you. And most importantly...the assumption that I want to see him or his stupid sand/rocks in January. Where the hell get that idea from.
In the few and limited communication we have had I get this impression that he is trying to convince me he is new and improved. That three months at sea has reduced him to a full fledged, respectable human being. That whoever he was, he isn't now and I should be open to this new and improved version of Sean; Sean 2.0
But this is where the advice giving part comes in. Because while the big rational part of me is saying "Sean is full of shit" and I need to eliminate him from my life the other part of me knows that people are capable of change. I know this. I have seen it. But when it comes to this boy at this particular time in my life, it is not something i can believe or accept as fact.
In my heart I do not believe he is capable of being a good person or man. I am not swayed by whatever has transpired at Sea. I imagine that he is lonely and bored which makes him desperate for attention and affirmation. I know on a ship full of sailors much younger and/or much older than him that he is alone. He is without people telling him how great and awesome and funny he is. Even if they are lying.
But is this just jaded Beckett talking? Is this the girl who did not get picked, talking? Without invalidating all the fucked up shit he has done is there no question in anyone's mind, including my own that Sean is always going to be...you know, Sean. A person with questionable morals. A cheater. A liar. A Manipulator. A fucking psycho. Because this is who I know. This is who, in my mind he is always going to be. And while I know I can be a hard ass. While I know that I am not always so forgiving of those who fault me, I have given Sean more than enough opportunities to be a better person. Because maybe that is what (good) change is about; not being new but being a better version of yourself.
So maybe the question I am asking myself (and you) is...has Sean changed? Can he 'be better' And if so, does it matter? Does it matter?
I am 95% sure that the answer is no. Sean hasn't changed. Sean will never change. And unfortunately his best self is a let down. Always a let down. He is a person capable of hurting someone he claims to love. He is above all a liar to others and himself.
I struggle every day to realize that I deserve more. I obviously have self worth/esteem issues and have equated the many losses of my life as failures to sustain relationships. The hardest thing i have learned so far is that love is not enough. It doesn't make people stay. It doesn't save lives. It doesn't make you the victor in loving someone. It is great and all encompassing. It is a pleasure to give and receive but it is not enough. Not all the time.
And i have often thought this means that I am not enough. That I am not deserving of this great elusive happiness. Have no fear I am slowly working my way out of this black and white thinking. I have to tell that nagging voice to quiet and let me breathe. And i do not believe now that Sean could offer that to me-happiness. I did once, not too very long ago, because i didn't know any better but I know better now. My relationship with Sean was personified by that personal fear. He gave me the attention and surface affection I have never felt like I deserved and though it fed his ego it also. more aptly, satisfied my loneliness.
Because I was lonely. I am sometimes more alone than I like to admit. I worry about this sometimes. And I just want to make sure this doesn't influence what Sean is trying to sell. Because even when I entertain the other 5% of Sean's proposal. Auto Sean. 2.0 Sean. Captain New... I open myself to disappointment. From himself and from me.
I definitely could use some sage advice right about now. I know, i've heard it all before but I would like to know what someone would do if they were in my shoes. I get the sense that many have been in similar situation and they've survived it well enough. I'd like to believe I will too even though right now I feel a little beat up and worn down