Tuesday, August 16, 2016

My Exhuastative and Never Ending Used Car Buying Experience.

Jebsus Mucking Fiest. If I new how hard this car buying experience was going to be, I would have created a time machine to go back 10 years and not fuck up my credit  so I could just lease or finance a car like a normal adult. But alas, that is not my current financial situation so a couple of months ago I made the decision to save up enough money to buy a cash car.

I know, I know....I've already heard all of the arguments between leasing/financing vs. buying but i must reiterate my credit is crappy and I don't feel comfortable leasing a new car with fancy things like heated seats which my bum does not need. I like owning things because I didn't grow up owning many things.So after researching my options, I decided that I would save up enough money to buy a car with cold hard and earned cash. I am pretty cheap by nature, so it only took me a few months to save 5k which I thought would be enough money to purchase my first vehicle.

It's not.

Ever since telling my friend Heather that I was prepared to go car shopping, I've been dragged to countless dealerships that a) don't have any cars in my price range or b) have cars in my price range that I have no interest in buying (I'm talking about you 1996 Buick). The search has been disheartening to say the least. But yesterday Heather sent me a link to a 2009 Nissan Versa for 5k. It was a gem of a car ( I gem i tell you) and in any other situation I would have been over the moon at finding my potential new vehicle.

But then I started crunching numbers and realized that my 5k budget did not include tax and stuff. Insurance and stuff. Registration fees and stuff. I suddenly went from "omg, omg I think I found my dream used car" to "wait, by the end of the actual transaction I will have spent a little over $800 more than my budget. $800 that I honestly do not have and could not borrow from anyone".

As soon as I realize this I tell Heather that I don't think we should head to the dealership to look at this vehicle because i don't have the money I would actually need to buy the car. This is the point where Heather becomes super overwhelming "but you said you were looking for a car" "this is the gem we've been talking about" "I can't keep driving you around like a cab if you're not serious about buying a car" "are you afraid of driving" "are you stalling because you're afraid of driving" "am i pressuring you into doing this".

My mind and body shuts down when I am emotionally overwhelmed. It just does. I lose words, I lose thoughts, I lose mobility in my limbs. It's like I can feel myself float away from my body and I am literally watching the situation outside of myself. It's the closet I think I will ever get to one of those outer body experiences, except that I experience them during duress.

So I'm sitting in Heather's car and she keeps going on and on and on about what I want to do. Except she isn't really asking me what I want to do (because I've already told her " i can't afford this car right now so I think it's a waste to head all the way up to this dealership and I'm not ready to buy" she is demanding an answer from me and I can't deal. "why are you changing your mind" "why don't you have enough money" "why am I wasting my time" and I just feel awful because I didn't know how hard this car search would be and had I known I would have waited a while longer instead of getting my hopes up that I'd have a vehicle by the end of the summer.

We eventually got to a point in the conversation where I simply told her I was not ready to continue looking for cars unless I had more money to cover all the expenses. And because that is not the case, I have to put off buying a car for a few more weeks. She seemed satisfied with this answer but there is still a bad taste in my mouth about the whole day.

Thanks to the interwebs, I was reminded that I moved to New York 8 years ago this month. My mom and I took an amtrak from South Carolina to New York so she could drop me off at my aunts house. I had maybe $70 in my bank account, no jobs prospects and and a small duffle bag of clothes. 8 effing years ago. I was 22 years old. I thought i was going to move to New York and work in publishing and life would just start and work out the way I imagined life was supposed to work out. It didn't. The last 8 years have been anything but easy.I struggled and I fought for bare scraps and only now am I at a point in my life where I feel like my efforts are paying off. Little by little. Day by day.

BUT I am surrounded by people who have it easier than me so it can make it hard to relate. I sometimes feel as if I am playing catch up because it seems like everyone else in some way or another has an advantage.  Heather recently told me that her bf paid off her 6k credit card debt because, well he could. When I brought up buying a cash car at work, several people chimed in about leasing because they all have 2016 vehicles and pay only $230 a month on car payments ( i can't afford that). Kat had someone write her cover letter/resume and applied to jobs for her because she complained it was too hard.

I hate that I'm envious of their situations. I hate that I hear the phrase "well if you could do, i knew that i could do it to" because it implies that I have made things look so easy and yet have achieved so little.  I was so annoyed recently cause Kat decided she wants to go to Chicago for vacation this summer. She said they wanted to go to Hershey Park for her birthday and the she decided that because Hershey Park is not far from Chicago (please google it. It is not) that they would just drive to Chicago right after because "if you've been to Chicago it can't be hard for me and [insert boyfriends name] to go.

I should not have been infuriated by this news but i was only because both trips to Chicago were exhaustive, expensive and challenging experiences. I didn't suddenly have the urge to go to Chicago with some person willing to drive me and flip the bill on the whole trip. I was just brave, reckless and stupid (my general traits) and look where they got me.

The same sort of envy has arisen with this car search. We hit up so many dealerships this past week that my wallet is full of business cards from sales people who were so nice out of pity. During every visit Heather would say something like "i can't believe no one has been a jerk to us yet. My budget was $15k and people were so rude. You're practically poor and people are being so nice". I don't need to be reminded of how poor I am. I don't need to be reminded of this. When did having 5k in my bank account equate to poor especially when I used to have little to no money at all to even feed myself.

I am frustrated that in comparison my achievements don't feel like actual achievements because I seem to fight for things that my friends obtain easily and/or with added assistance. Kat literally purchased a new car because I told her I wanted to get a car and she figured if I could go out and get a car she could too. I still do not have this vehicle I talked about getting almost a year ago. I am still taking public transportation where today an ant crawled on my face. An ant.

I am frustrated and tired and a bit of a Charlie Brown this week. I know that things with me are always going to be a struggle because honestly I like being the underdog. But sometimes even a dog needs to be thrown a bone every once in awhile.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Boi Bye!

As you may or may not know, I had a little bit of an office crush these past few months. I didn't want to talk about it because after the Sean situation I have learned not to let myself get to wrap up in something that could or could not be.

This boy sort of came out of the blue though. He started working for the company about a year ago as a marketing representative and I did not think much of him when he first started. He was super quiet and hard to read and seemed only interested in coming to work and going home. When he did talk, it was only if someone brought up something nerdy (which was usually me) but then would retreat into silence as if he never uttered a word.

I remember thinking he was okay but then characteristically being turned off when during one of these rare moments of interjection he said "i have a girlfriend." after I made some remark about wanting to drive a Volvo. I thought the comment was so random and was a little put off that he said it as if I were digging for an answer I never questioned him about. My little bit of curiosity flew out the window after that day and I sort of went about ignoring him like I do everyone else at my job.

However, a few weeks later  he brought up the fact that we had a mutual friend in common. I was minding my business at my desk when he came over and sort of announced that I popped up on Facebook as a mutual friend and that we knew someone in common. I am not sure why this made talking to him easier but it did. The moment he mentioned that we shared a friend we instantly hit it off and the last few months have been great in the work friend department.

Turns out this 'boy' is the most introspective, musically talented, philosopher I have come across in a very long time and I was quickly swept up in his mystery. He was an engineer major in college because of his interest in numbers and concrete answers. He sort of 'fucked up royally for a while' and took a job in marketing because he needed to get his life together before applying to school again. He likes hip hop and philosophy, is a professional gamer outside of work and once quoted Plato and Thomas Jefferson during our many rambling sessions.

Because my office is super weird, we spent the most of this time getting to know each out via Slack (a g-chat isque form of communication which served the purpose of making us look busy at work while simultaneously allowing us to chat for hours with no one really knowing).  We spent the first few weeks getting to know each other on a superficial level, asking each other questions about our past, present and likes. He was a jock in high school turned nerd. He is a foodie and likes driving to remote areas and writing lyrics. He is self conscious about his weight and height(he's a giant compared to moi)  but he's also super aware about everything and everyone around him.

I can't remember where we went from superficial to in-depth but to put it bluntly: I found him fucking fascinating. I kept telling him this when we first were getting to know each other. He'd send me song recommendations throughout the day and every song, every melody every lyric was so beautiful I felt like he knew me. He'd genuinely want to know stuff about me and then be totally reciprocal when I asked him questions back. We shared enough similarities to make us friends but enough differences to keep each other engaged. He is fascinating, self-deprecating but honest and whenever i got the chance  I'd tell him over and over again upon each new discovery that I was utterly fascinated by him and his mind. Just fucking fascinated.

Of course, once we got past the initial stuff I knew that I liked him in a way that bordered on romantic and platonic. I may be a person who is unable to have a lot of platonic male friends. I am a person who does not think men and women can easily be friends without some sort of feelings shinning through. Trust me, I have had a lot of male friends I did not like in that way. But I have noticed that most of the guys I tend to like and fall for start off initially as good friends. I am more comfortable dating someone that I have a history with (be it a small 1-2 year friendship or in recent cases someone that I've known for a super long time) and more often than not, I (or the person) end up making a decision to just be friends or have suffocating feelings for each other. There is no black or white.

But  based on my previous mistake, I knew that I should probably squash any crush feelings that could come to the surface because he mentioned he had a GF when he first started working here and I just don't ever want to be in that situation again. So I enjoyed making and having a new friend. He made work the best place in the whole entire world and introduced me to the most euphoric music I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. BUT THEN, during one our conversations he said that he broke up with this GF (the one who drove a Volvo) months ago and I mentioned that I too was single and I'm not sure, something just clicked.

He started driving me home after work, where we spend the ride home talking about the universe and music and life. We'd smoke weed (i know, i know...i only smoke socially) and ask each other questions and bond like i haven't bonded with any other person in a long time. I couldn't get over how open and honest he was about everything. He seemed filled with regret over being someone who picked on people in school but then also very apprehensive about his future and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with this life. And every time we'd get to this point of our interactions, I'd become even more fascinated.

But for every great interaction between us, he'd respond by sometimes retreating for days into silence. I tried not to take it personally but of course that was pretty tough to do cause I enjoyed talking to him and being around him. Despite our shared singlehood, I wanted mainly to be his friend because as his friend we could see where or if anything transpired. And because I knew we only had a limited time left as colleagues (he was accepted to an engineer program and would only be working in the office until August) I was tasked with becoming his friend while also leaving our budding friendship open to progressing naturally.

I thought I was doing a bang up job of this. Thought being the best word i can think of at the moment. Despite the pitter patter and the rumblings on interest in my chest, despite catching him on numerous occasions starring at me from his desk, I tried to keep it as friendly as possible. Not so casual that he didn't think i was interested but not so suffocating that it would scare the living daylights out of him if he wasn't interested in me that way. It's a hard line to walk but I felt pretty good about how I was going about it AND he seemed pretty receptive about my approach. But then last Friday rick-rolled around and boy o boy....

So, we planned in advance to chill after work his last day. He is a professional gamer so he had a tournament to drive to that night but said he still wanted and could chill after work because it wasn't out of the way. We left work mad early (because Fridays everyone is on a summer schedule), drove to my house, smoked in his car and talked about everything under the sun. Towards the end of hanging out I told him that I thought he was a really dope guy and that he made work bearable and that if he wanted to hit me up anytime to just chill and hang out or nature walk and write lyrics, i'd be totally down for that.

Good, right? Well, i thought it was good. Especially since I am not a person who willingly puts herself out there. Nope and more nope. It makes me uncomfortable and I am petrified of rejection. So after I said this I was hoping, yes hoping, that his response would give me  hope that I have moved past this Sean situation a better brighter person...with a potential better brighter boy on the horizon. I was hoping but that hope was quickly dashed.

"Um, yea, maybe. I mean, i don't see myself coming up this way for a pretty long time so that might be impossible but I'll definitely keep you in mind, maybe".

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I am emjoi cringing right now.  That is definitely not the response I was hoping for. One bit. After he said this, i said "oh, okay" and then slinked out of his car like the loser I apparently am. I haven't talked to him since and I guess, I won't ever talk to him again since you know...even being friends was sort of out of the question. Surprisingly despite the initial disappointment and embarrassment I am super proud for putting myself out there even if my attempt got chewed up and then spit back at me. I may have been baby birded in a negative way but you know it happens and it doesn't feel...devastating.

It feels a little liberating knowing I don't have to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want to be my friend...or my friend. It feels a tab bit liberating that I can have an interest in someone, have nothing come from it and still just kind of move on. Like today, I woke up, put my hair in a bun, got some coffee from Starbucks put on my gangster rap and heavy metal playlist and went about my day killing it at work and maybe even at life.  Maybe I am just finally learning that rejection is a part of life but it does not define my life or the strides I am making everyday.


Friday, July 29, 2016


It's been over 3 years since that disastrous night with Sean went down and despite coming out of the situation in a better, healthier place...i fucking hate that I am still plagued by that night and the aftermath. I hate that I carry his words with me, even now, even after all this time.

I've been having a pretty shitty couple of weeks. Nothing major, just anxiety related stuff that has made functioning like a semi-normal person a hard task to undertake. Kat is being difficult and needy which only makes me needy and cranky. Last Friday after work we had tentative plans to grab dinner and see the new Ghostbusters movie. Her brother has been having an equally shitty couple of weeks so she invited him and her bf Mark to dinner and the movies. BUT during work that day 'the boy' asked me to chill after work with him. I texted Kat immediately and told her that I would probably have to skip dinner but would meet them all at the movies because something came up (followed by emjoi eyes and a wink). She went batshit and said that I made plans with her first so i couldn't skip dinner cause her brother was looking forward to the night.

Needless to day the boy and I did not hang out that night.

On top of my continued issues with Kat, my mom and I are in the midst of a mother-daughter argument that has brought out the petty 16 year old me who went out of her way to make sure people knew when they were being ignored. My mother is my best friend and that is probably why when we do argue, which is rare, it feels like having an argument with a friend rather than a mom. We've been passive aggressive to each other the whole week. Work, oh work, is becoming stressful because they want me to give me more responsibilities, since I am doing so well at my current tasks.The problem with this is that by dumping more work on me, it has sort of prevented me from excelling at my actual job. I feel like they (and maybe everyone in my life) thinks I am a swiss army knife, capable of performing all sorts of functions upon request. I am definitely not a swiss army knife. I am a tight rope walker: just trying to balance myself on the line so I don't crash into the ground.

Pfft. Splat.

When I am anxious, like i am now, my sleeping habits are terrible. I generally am a perfect sleeper. I am like a cat, I can  curl up anywhere, anytime to take a nap that turns into deep sleep pretty quickly. I fall asleep fast and can clock in 8 hours of uninterrupted shut eye. But that is when I am not anxious. When I am anxious, going and staying asleep is a struggle. My mind wanders, my body is tense, i drum up every single thought and explore it with frustrating vigor. The other night I went to be around midnight (cause the DNC has been killing it this week) and woke up at 3 and could not shut my mind off to return back to sleep. I was miserable and cranky the whole next day and instead of resting peacefully when i  got home the restlessness remained.

Like most things in my life I am ruled by cycles and my general unease and anxiety is almost always related to something in the universe. July tends to be a hard month for me in many ways. It's a humid, sticky, uncomfortable time of the year. I am a Spring baby who loathes the heat and the shine and desire for activities outside of my house and July is the epitome of summer and I just can't handle. But as I was tossing and turning the other night, it finally dawned on me: 'it' happened almost 3 years to the day.The disastrous night at Sean house that could have been nice and murky and disastrous which instead turned out to be awful, swamp-like and disastrous. Over 3 years since "it" happened things said and both unrevealed.

3 years since he showed me who he was like a moth emerging from a cocoon. 3 years since he freaked the fuck out at being exposed and revealed. At being naked and vulnerable and in need of someone like me. And because he felt all those things ( i imagine) he lashed out and said I wasn't good enough, that I would never be good enough out of both honesty and fear. He said I was a mistake and that he never saw a future with me at all because he wasn't a attracted, he was never interested.

3 years since I understood what it meant to pitied for the 2nd time in my life. The first being when Marie died. I knew something was wrong the days leading up to her death. I know that she was in trouble and I kept calling out for someone to take my fears seriously. It would not have prevented Marie from dying but it would, in many ways, have validated that i saw her too, a butterfly struggling to hatch. I saw her too and I knew she needed me. And when she died, I just remember how it felt to be watched by everyone. how they pitied my foresight and small voice.

The 2nd being that night in Sean's car, during our confrontation. There was initial awkwardness and unease when we both made the decision to talk about the night before and everything (said and unsaid) that happened. I began to tell him that I cared for him but that I didn't feel comfortable with everything that happened the night before because he was in a relationship. I told him that unless things were clearer between us we couldn't do what we did the night before. I told him that i saw him, that night, that where i held and caressed and loved, he revealed himself to me. I saw him.  But instead of confronting my fears, validating my voice and maybe even my body he diminished me. He devalued my worth and then looked at me with pity:

"why would i ever be with someone like you" and every ugly thought that i've had about myself, every reason for not wanting to continue and be a person were validated selfishly by him. And it broke me. It continues to break and chip away at me 3 years later. How is that fucking possible. Today is his birthday at date that I hope i'll forgot sooner than later and I am so frustrated by the stupid residual pain left from the mess we both made.

I worry constantly that I am so jaded by the Sean situation, I won't know how of if I am able to open up to someone in that way again. I mean, don't get me wrong the last 3 years have been extraordinary to say the least.  I live in a great place, I can pay my bills, I have friends and a life that I am so grateful and proud of. I am not that girl who Sean looked down on in this car, I am not that girl who people starred at after Marie died. I am different, essentially the same heart but the parts are rearranged. But these affirmations about my life now doesn't mean I don't worry. I am still a girl who lost her best friend. A girl who worries that I cannot hold on to people. A girl who wonders if I will ever be good enough for anyone to stay.

And despite moving on from several bad moments in my life, despite coming out of the other side a little stronger though banged up... I worry and I wonder how much of what I still carry with me might prevent from me from fulling moving forward.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016


All of my posts should start with "work is killing me" cause jebsus effing Christmas, this place is killing me. And it's only Wednesday. How is it only Wednesday.

Tomorrow my boss has decided to have a company wide meeting to discuss our progress and goals moving forward. We have these meetings every 4 months where we gather in our big conference room for an hour while he goes over, in excruciating detail, all the things we are doing well and obviously on the things that could still needs improvement.

I hate these meetings. I've only been to 3 since I started at this job but they are the most meaningless things in the whole entire world and I spend most of my time drawing unhappy faces in my notebook. Tomorrow though, my boss decided to mix it up: not only are we having a meeting but it is going to be in the afternoon instead of the morning and afterwards he expects us all to attend a summer party on the patio to revel in his successful career venture.

The meeting is supposed to run from 5:30pm to 7:00pm (excluding the after party) and I am livid that I even have to attend this thing. My role in the company is marginal at best, I am the only one who takes public transportation and my town is so far away that even if I do catch the last bus home, I will still have to pay for a cab or take the train to get to my actual neighborhood. I have already planned an escape route so I don't have to go to this party but there is no way to avoid the meeting. I am dreading this meeting. I am dreading the awkwardness that comes about when there are gatherings of any sort. I want to sit as close to the exit as possible. I don't want to engage in small talk. I'd rather just disappear.

The only good thing about this job is they pay me well or okay enough to live normally. I plan on buying a car in two weeks because i've saved up enough money to purchase one without too much financial worries. It's so weird that 8 years ago, I didn't even think i'd ever get my drivers license because i keep failing the test. I finally got my license a few days before moving to New York but by then I owning/driving a car was not in my near future. And now here I am, only a few more shitty bus and train rides away from owning a car and driving, finally driving.

The idea of how much independence this will give me is overwhelming. I am so used to being the passenger, it will be an adjustment to be the driver. To have a little more control over...well everything. Metaphor for life, I guess.

Le sigh. 5 more hours to go.

Friday, July 01, 2016


Don't worry, this isn't from Satan himself (aka Sean, who if you can believe,  I have not actively talked to in almost 2 years!)

This is from my ex-friend Justin. Or Patricia's boyfriend. Now Fiance.

I work with Patricia who hates my freaking guts. When I first started, she actively went out of her way to throw me under a bus to make me look bad. Because I am doing so well at my job she can't find ways to make me look bad so instead she is actively nasty or dismissive of me. All because I told her her guy friend at work was being sort of inappropriate towards me. Le sigh.

Needless to say Patricia and I are not friends and by proxy I am also not friends with Justin who ignored me when I stopped by the store to say hi a few months ago. Literally, I went up to him, said hi and he walked in the opposite direction without uttering anything to me.  I thought maybe he didn't hear me, so I followed him and said hi again. He stopped, shelved a book and walked by me again without uttering a word.

So, I am very confused why I got this stupid email last weekend about their engagement. I only found out they were engaged via Kat who received an email from Justin saying he wanted to let her know first that Patricia gave him an ultimatum (we are getting married or I am not supporting you any more) and that he feels like being with her is a death sentence but he doesn't really have a choice.

And even though i've known about the engagement since it first happened neither Justin nor Patricia have mentioned it to me, despite the fact that I see Patricia every day at work and she has told plenty of people from the office about her engagement while proudly showing them the ring she bought.

I can't imagine gifting Justin or Patricia anything because they decided to marry for the sake of marrying. And who the hell has an engagement party? Especially after announcing to both family and friends via Facebook that you are engaged.

I've been sitting on this email for 5 days, not really knowing what or if to say anything. I weighed the pros and cons. I could go, show my support, make amends and attend a wedding in the fall of 2017 with my friends.

Or, throw subtle shade, burn a bridge that wasn't worth saving and move on.

I guess by my response you can tell which petty road I took.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Fingers Crossed

I literally just fell asleep at my cubicle. No lie. For a brief minute or two I actually dozed off,  only to be startled awake by a soft snore. How is it only Wednesday? Why is it not at least 5:30, so I can start packing my stuff and head home? Why the hell am I still here at this cubicle doing my job on daily auto pilot? 

Creepy Guy and Annoying girl are both  on vacation this week and without the constant pitter patter of Creepy Guy hovering near my desk or the annoying and asinine ramblings of Annoying Girl(who i don't think i've mentioned before) talking insistently,  the office is pretty quiet this week. Like excruciatingly quiet. Like i-have-run-out-of-ways-to-even-fake-busy quiet.

Crush boy has been pretty aloof and uninteresting this week and I am sort of bummed out by the lack of consistency in our budding friendship. He vacillates between being an engaging and inquisitive guy to an aloof, distant and static robot. This week he is a robot and because I am uber sensitive, I am trying not to be hurt but the sudden malfunction. I can't help wondering (of course) what or if or why things have suddenly soured between us.

He seems to have given up all of a sudden and because I am not as invested to the relationship outside of curiosity and musings, I haven't put much of an effort to figure out why.
I too am at fault for some of this static work week. I have other things on my mind and this hasn't made me much of an inviting person lately. Last weekend Heather and I had a impromptu hangout where we ran errands, drank coffee and complained about stuff. I'm not sure why I enjoy doing this with Heather as much as I do. But honesty anytime she asks me to run errands with her, my answer is immediately yes.

Last weekend was no different. She picked me up around noon so we could run around buying things we needed (groceries, office supplies, coffee) and some things we didn't (moleskin notebooks, decor related items, candy). During our hangout she mentioned that one of my supervisors at the University recently got a promotion and was no longer at my old department. With her absence there is now a full time position open  and she thinks I should apply because my boss loved me and I could get my job back at a place that i adored.

It took me a moment to digest the news. I've been looking for a opportunity to rejoin the University since I left. I only quit because I was poor, poorer than I've ever been in my life and at the time my boss did not have a full time gig to offer me. So on many fronts being able to return, this time with a salary and benefits, would be amazing, plus i could go back to school for free. I am only a little apprehensive about the gig because my department was always on the brink of huge budget cuts and at the time I quit, I was nervous they were going to let some people go to save money.

Regardless, I sent in my resume and cover letter a week ago. I haven't heard anything back yet and am not sure if I should reach out to my former boss just to let him know I am interested. I feel like every decision I make for myself now has this immediate effect. I quit the bookstore, I moved to a new town, I got a new job and my life is so freaking different than i ever could imagine. Mentally and physically. I'm in a good place. I still struggle emotionally and I guess socially and I must admit this is pretty frustrating.

I want to return to the University for a litany of good reasons, but mainly for one selfish one. I miss being around people. I miss being park of a community. I miss being surrounded by potential relationships. And that fact that every one I have started to form at this job has fallen threw the cracks or is Patricia's case the depths of hell, returning to the University could greatly impact my nonexistent social life. Because it is non existent outside of my mom and Kat. And that shit is sort of depressing

Le sigh.

Sunday, June 05, 2016

The Spinster Diaries

My mom said something insensitive the other day and while at first I was upset at her, I realize I have suddenly crossed that weird threshold where if I am not in a relationship, engaged or already married with five children my achievements outside of that and that alone mean nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing to anyone. And it's sort of frustrating.

Le Fucking Sigh.

Per usual Kat and I hung out on Friday where she expressed concerns about my crush/new guy situation. This crush thing sort of crept up out of nowhere and honestly I am going in it with little to no real exceptions. I like him but I am not sure if it is on a romantic or platonic level. We primarily talk via gchat and occasionally face to face when he isn't actively avoiding me. I find him interesting but doesn't that come with meeting anyone with similar interests? We come from completely different backgrounds and yet bound over music, books and outlook on life. We spend the bulk of our day at work sending each other music via spotify and analyzing lyrics. He's nice, I mean as much as anyone could be. At the moment he is also the only person I tolerate at work, so that too might have something to do with my curiosity and attraction.

I will not assume what or if the boy has any interest in me. I think he finds me somewhat interesting and a confidant to talk to at work. But for every good interaction where we pass the hours 'talking', there are other days when he is distant and preoccupied. He has literally gone days without saying anything to me followed by a days where he seems overwhelmed with everything he wants to tell or ask me.  That's why it came as a complete shock when he offered to drive me home the other week because I got the sense that I had annoyed him somehow due to him not being overly chatty or engaged in my attempts to converse.

Then out of the blue one day that week he asks if I need a ride home and i'm all like "holy shit yes!". Of course on the ride home, I liked him more. He was a little nervous but funny, he seemed more comfortable in his car and I was glad that we were able to talk freely and with the same enthusiasm as our work conversations have been. Despite my initial 'omg, a boy i could potentially like is driving me home' excitement, when it is all over and done with we are  simply just getting to know each other, so I want things to evolve naturally. Whatever that mean. He's going back to school in the fall and I might have an opportunity to return to the University on a full time basis. So whatever is or is not happening between us will evolve as it's supposed to.

Of course, this doesn't stop my mom or Kat from meddling in my interest of this boy and for completely different reasons. On the Kat front, she was annoyed that crush boy drove me home this past Friday because it interfered with her weekly routine of picking me up, grabbing salads and going back to my house.  Then during dinner all she could do was express concern that this guy situation could mean I have less time for her. She legitimately expressed this concern. I feel like she is incapable of seeing me be happy and what's worse is that I don't think she is aware of this. She'd ask questions like "but do you think he's going to want to hang out every week" "what does that mean about the free-time you have for me".

 I am grateful for Kat's friendship but as I mature, I don't want her to be so reliant on me for companionship. I wouldn't mind going weeks without seeing or talking to Kat because we are too busy doing our own things and killing it! Instead I feel weighed down by her friendship and expectations of me. I feel trapped in a one sided friendship where my goal is to make her happy and secure while I am less happy and secure. She is a succubus, and my life source is fading.

I've decided to not tell her anything else or happenings between the boy and I (so there will probably be a lot of it here if anything develops) and also keep her out of the loop on any big changes I am planning. I need my own life, I am ready for my own life, I simply cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness outside of my own. 

On the mom front, upon learning of this crush boy she immediately went from "i don't think this is a good idea" to "you know what, you really do just need to find a man, any man, so I think you need to be more assertive". I cannot tell you how gutted I was. As you may or may not know, I have not had many romantic relationships and the one that I 'did' have was not really a relationship but more of a complete and utter disaster. But why should it matter if i'm single or with someone? Why would i need to "find a man, any man" to fulfill my life. I'm not saying I want to be single forever because honestly i'd like to spend my life with someone nice and kind and funny but it's not something I dwell on.

Honestly I've been killing it the last two years as a  single chick getting her life together. I have my own place, I have more money in my bank account then ever, I have a full time job, I'm finding my creative voice again, I am on this serene journey towards physical, mental and emotional stability, I look super cute 5 out of 7 days a week. I am so proud of the women I am becoming and because of this there is something frustrating that those achievements mean so little because I am not with someone. Anytime I go out with friends or talk to family members it is the first and only questions that pops up. "So how are you?" "I'm doing really great!" "Oh nice, who's the new fellow in your life" "Oh, no i'm not dating anyone, things are just good cause---" "Oh..."

I hate that a single man in his 20s,30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is a bachelor who has decided to live the single life. That person is admired because of his tenacity, grit and single-hood. He can travel around the world, buy property, actively date women, pursue a career and still be seen as someone who is successful. A single woman in her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is considered a spinster who is unlucky in love. That person is pitied because of her inability to secure a mate. There must be something wrong with this person who is often portrayed or characterized as a lonely, cantankerous figure envious of her friends in committed relationship. This person's success will never amount to much because of her mate-less-ness.

This is an infuriating concept! Infuriating and yet, here I am being damn near condemned by Kat for having an interest in a guy that could take away her spinster friend who is always available to her when she needs to vent or cry or because her bf doesn't want to go to an art show that she's been dying to attend. Here I am, being told by my mom that she just wants me to 'have a husband'. Why can't i just be boss ass Beckett living her life however I want without this pressure of seeing or nor seeing someone. Why is this boy, who didn't say much to me outside of "hello' last week, more interesting of a tale than say me: saving 10K, going to Canada, rock climbing and writing my first novel. Why is our/my success in life only measured by who I am or am not shacking up with.

It doesn't make any sense. Any sense at all. And it's sort of disheartening cause I feel like whatever I accomplish doesn't measure up to much if I don't have a dashing gentlemen in the periphery.