Friday, September 12, 2014

World Record

Six days ago my landlady dropped a bombshell on me. She and her daughter are moving to Connecticut. End of September. Less than 3 weeks notice. This is some illegal ass shit and needless to say I am more than pissed.

However my industrious nature has payed off. A friend and I checked out a place yesterday and it was great. A small efficiency (a studio without a kitchen) with a private bath and entrance from the main cottage style house in a small college town nearby.

Six days. Six whole days. I lost a place and gained a place. My current landlady, the one who put me in this jam, is being a total turd and refuses to give me my deposit until i am completely moved out of the room i occupy now. This is unacceptable. She gave me less than a months notice. She sprung this shit on me out of nowhere and now she won't give me back the deposit I need so i can move. My mom says I should take her to court (but nothing was signed when i moved in), My friends think i should 'beat her ass' which has crossed my mind every night this week.

Instead I've opted to move out this Monday. My new landlady wants someone to occupy the space as soon as possible and while i was hoping to have more time to go through my stuff, I want and need my money back from the lady i rent from now. If i move out Monday she owes me my deposit and half of Septembers rent which I paid for days before she told me the news.

I have never been more stressed in my life. Between packing and taking extra shifts at work and searching for a place and seeing places I am a little worn out. I haven't admitted this to anyone. I do not know how to accept help. I have never known how to accept it because I fear being a burden on people. It is my worst fear since i was a kid. But this time around I haven't had much choice but to accept a little bit of help. A friend from work drove me to the place yesterday. Kat and her boyfriend will help me move on Monday. My mom has all but given me all of firsts month rent to live in this place. My friend Justin offered to bring my packed lunches if i can't afford food the first few weeks. My cousin is giving me his old dresser.

The amount of support I have gotten in such a sort time has overwhelmed me. I worry about being lovable. I think I am incapable of it. And this week, though I haven't asked for much help, the people in my life have gone above and beyond to do so. I can't even comprehend why  but they have. And it means more to me than they will ever know.

Hopefully the clusterfuck of this situation will come to a close soon. My new 'studio' has a built in bookshelf and a reading nook and five large windows. I've been asking for a change for such a long time I guess I needed a bit of a push.

Le Sigh.

Monday, September 08, 2014

Stay the Same

It's weird how quickly things can go from marginally okay to a complete and utter shit show. I am simply amazed by this swiftness. Thanks life. Thanks a lot.

The last few days/weeks/months have been okay. I wouldn't go so for as to say they were great but okay suffices. Post Chicago vacation was filled with a lot of loneliness and contemplation. I liked being new in Chicago and returning to my life here where everything reminds me of the small failures was tough. 

I wanted to quit Le Sad Store as soon as I got back from vacation but the extra money helps and after the disaster that was my last interview I couldn't risk living off of a part time paycheck. So I am still there though only 2 or 3 times a week. Even still the shifts are excruciating. There use to be a time when I loved going to the store, now I can't even stomach my four hour shifts which i spend mostly sulking in the aisle. 

Then Sean's birthday rick-rolled around and what i haven't told anyone is that despite the two months of radio silence (absolutely no contact) since I emailed him and his father, i sent him a birthday card and have been waiting patiently for some recognition of my kind gesture. The radio silence is hard i'm not going to lie. I don't miss fighting with Sean. I don't miss feeling insignificant. I don't miss wondering what our relationship was. I don't miss any of that. 

But i do miss what i wanted from us and it's hard to stop missing him during those moments of loneliness. You realize that choices, whether they are yours or someone else's, have a ripple effect. Him joining the Navy, getting engaged, being deployed has all but excluded me from his life. Or rather the life i wanted to build with him. As I struggle often with simple day to day stuff: remembering to take my stupid vitamins, gathering groceries, planning weekend activities, trying to get a full time job, I often wonder if they'd be easier with him around. It's stupid i know but i am not above admitting this to myself. 

I am someone who wants to divvy up the responsibility for once. I am independent. I am resourceful. I am clever. But shouldering everything alone is starting to wear thin. It's wearing thin. And there is a part of me that is angry at Sean for giving me a false sense that he was a person who could take some of the weight off. I thought he was Relief but then he abandoned me.

Regardless, I sent him a birthday card weeks before I went to Chicago because I knew it could take weeks to get to him. I wanted him to have something as I expected he'd get nothing from his girl or family. The day his birthday rolled around I knew the card hadn't reached him but i didn't send him an email or post facebook well wishes. I refused to do so. A few weeks after  his birthday I got a notification from the post office that he'd received his card and I, stupidly, was expecting him to thank me for thinking of  him despite everything. He hasn't. Not a two word thank you email. Nada. Nothing. I regret sending it. I regret the words i wrote. I regret the sentiment behind it all. Most of all, I regret still expecting him to be the relief, after everything. 

Outside of Sean and Le Sad store, the job on the university has been going great except for the problems arising with the guy I work with. I knew this guy from Le Sad Store and he is uber nice and cool. About a year ago he quit the bookstore because he was having issues with a manager and was in desperate need for a job. Despite Kat warning me that he could be a lazy worker I got him in touch with my boss who hired him soon after. Now, it's just the two of us in the office. He works the morning shift and I work the afternoon one. We only see each other for about 15 minutes a day but of course we are friendly because we are friends. I think this kid is awesome and talented and smart. Every weekend a group of us from Le Sad Store grab food and gossip, He is always invited because he is well liked by everyone. But as an employee he is so lazy it is starting to effect his work. 

He's messed up a few jobs this summer that I have had to re-do and I keep getting complaints from professors and administrators about his lack of attention to detail. Recently I have been getting an influx of jobs in the afternoon because people don't want him to do their print jobs. I usually get out of work around 6 now because of the demand for me to print things. I don't mind the work. I like having everyone's trust but Alex and I are getting paid the same amount for work he isn't doing. Plus he sometimes picks up extra shifts on our other campus because he has a car and can get there. So in fact he may be getting more money despite the lackluster work he does on our campus. 

It's very frustrating and recently he came to me because he can't work Mondays and wants me to work his shift. Which i don't mind. He offered to take one of my shifts to make up for the one he will lose but in doing so i realized that I may end up losing a lot of hours because of this. And I can't lose anymore money. 

So this has been my life for the last month or so. I am managing. And it hasn't all been bad. The end of summer was pleasant and cool. I have the weekends off now and spend it with Kat at parks and museums or with my Aunt in the city. I am taking a literature class and am so happy about reading and writing papers again. I changed up my look recently, opting to get hair extensions, and feel and look like a brand new me with a new bob that is the color of an autumn leaf. I may have a potential office crush as well. His name is Dan. He has tattoos. He really like burritos. We've only talked about burritos but he's super cute. And he's tatted!

I am managing. Despite all the changes. I am managing. But the newest change has me anxious as fuck. Since leaving my aunts apartment, I've been renting a room in a really nice house in my area. It's a sweet gig. Sort of a dorm room like living situation but great because i have a lot of privacy. My landlady and her daughter are nice and friendly but keep to themselves. The house cat has pretty much adopted me and I am close to both jobs. I've been there for 3 years and have never had a problem. 

Saturday Kat came by to pick me up so we could head to a booksale nearby. As soon as I get to the door, my landlady comes rushing out of her room asking if she can talk to me for a moment. Of course I am a little anxious because she looked so serious. Apologetically she tells me she has to sell the house we are all living in because she is having a problem with the man who owns it. The house is old and needs a lot of repairs that she cannot afford and she has decided to move into an apartment in Connecticut with her daughter. 

I almost cried. If i didn't have such an aversion to crying in front of people I would have bawled. I've been wanting to move out for a while. I am not going to lie. At 28 I want my own space. Living at my current place has been awesome except for the fact that it isn't my house. I've had people over, mainly Sean, but it's always been a tad bit uncomfortable. I have access to the kitchen and laundry room but I feel comfortable in my room (which has a mini fridge and microwave) that I barely leave my room when i'm there. 

Eventually I want my own place, even if it's just a studio, I want to come home to my own little oasis, throw my pants on the floor and dance freely. But realistically i can't afford that now. Realistically i can afford being a person in a spare room. And now that everything around me seems to be changing, I guess i was counting on my home life to stay the same. I needed it to. So i have not been taking the news well not even because i am terribly attached to where i live. 

I hate having to look for a place. I hate the idea of having to adjust to someplace new and if roommates are involved, someone new. I hate the process of packing and moving. Of deciding what stays and what go's.  I go on auto-pilot when tasks are in front of me. Soon after the news i went the bookstore with Kat and searched for places online while i browsed books. When i got home I immediately started throwing stuff out and packing. I do not have time to focus on the emotional aspects of what is going on. I need a place to live and the urgency brings out my industrious nature.

However the moments when my brain isn't frenzied over packing and scheduling appointments I am sad and anxious about where I am going to live and how i will adjust. I am freaked out by another change that could not wait until I was ready. I am tired of everything lately and wish that things would just stay as the are, stay the same, until i can catch my breath.

Sunday, September 07, 2014

ugh, look who's looking for a new place to live because her landlady is moving to Connecticut in less than a month? This chick.

When it rains it pours.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

After Kat picked me up from the airport this Sunday, we headed out for a late lunch with a few friends. The late lunch had little to do with the fact that I was back in town and hadn't seen anyone in two weeks. My friends like food and this dinner was planned in advanced, i just happened to be in town this weekend to attend.

The night before a friend from work threw a BBQ at her sisters house (who is away on vacation) and much of the same crowd from that gathering attended lunch at this small authentic southern food joint nearby. Despite wanting to see everyone and share stories about my trip, I was reluctant to go. I knew i was going to be tired from traveling, i knew that i needed some time by myself after spending a week in a hotel room with my mom, i have felt quite disconnected from most of my friends (more to do with my mood than my actual affection for them) and i didn't want to shake Chicago off so quickly.

All in all the trip last week was exactly what i needed. I was able to go away and not be me in a sense. I was a stranger in a new place and i liked the feeling. I adapted quickly to the city and the streets and the atmosphere and felt at home. Chicago is absolutely stunning; the city is surrounded by water and at times intercepted by it. You can't turn a corner without sensing you weren't too far from a beach or lake. Despite being a huge city, it often felt smaller and more intimate.  And everyone was extra friendly and nice, there were so many parks and local attractions. I didn't want to leave.

I had a much better time than my mom though. I have never considered the fact that my mom is getting older. I am still at an age where she seems pretty invincible to me. She was an active mom when my brother and I were younger. She'd pull us out of school sometimes just to take us to a park so we could play baseball or throw Frisbee's. Like me she is small but strong and because this is what i have known it's hard seeing her in any other light.

But she was diagnosed with diabetes two years ago and her health hasn't been that great since. Not terrible but not great. She's been exercising and eating better this past year but she is not as active as i remember. Her work conference only lasted 3 days and we had another four days to ourselves. While I wanted to ride bikes along the riverfront and head to museums (stuff she would have enjoyed doing some years ago), my mom had little interest in leaving the hotel. In fact had i not been there I think she would have spent the next four days in bed or worse she would have cut her trip short and headed home.

There were times when this inactivity annoyed me to no end. I can often times become readily annoyed by things. I am irritable. Not all the time of course but sometimes. With my mother especially I was put off by how little she wanted to do. I didn't want to go hiking or stay out past midnight. I didn't want to spend hours in shopping centers or take long bus tours with other strangers. I just wanted to take pictures and visit parks and eat great food. I was able to do some of this while i was there but often alone as my mom had little interest in participating. I take that back, she did participate but for only so long before she wanted to head back to the hotel.

It was sort of a bummer. At times i was taking her demeanor to heart especially when there were lapses of silence between us. She seemed bored and distracted most of the time. She constantly talked about my nephew and her desire to see him as soon as she got back home. Her energy was only reserved for so little activity and often times I preferred being by myself if only because i felt less stressed around her. It felt like we were on two different vacations. It felt like we were strangers.



I called my brother frequently for advice and reassurances about the mom situation. He told me that our awkward exchanges had little to do with how we felt about one another but about where we were in life. My mom is a grandmother who is a few short years away from retiring. Her days consist of work and home. She lives in a small southern town where her favorite pastime is going to thrift stores. She is settling down. And I couldn't relate to this new version of her because it differs so greatly from where I am in life. I guess i wanted us to share our differences rather than be distanced by them.

Regardless of the awkwardness we managed to enjoy the last day in Chicago together. I finally had a Chicago pizza and hotdog. We walked on the riverfront for a short time and we stumbled upon a used bookstore and record store within the same block. It wasn't a particularly magical day but it was good.




Of course when i landed in New York Sunday i was a little homesick for vacation. I love Chicago. I loved everything about being there. I have a strange fondness for being new because I rarely feel I fit in. And lately i don't feel at place anywhere. I have this desire to start over every few years. To try a new version of myself out in the world until i feel happy. And lately this desire has been relentless because my unhappiness is vast.

I am unhappy here. Just unhappy. A lot of it has to do with the fallout of the Sean drama (and today being his stupid 28th birthday isn't helping a girl out). A lot of it has to do with being 28 and having nothing to show for it. A lot of it has to do with loss and my continued feelings of emptiness. Everything here reminds me of something and that something usually causes an ache. This feeling was evident during dinner on Sunday, i just felt so disconnected from the familiar faces at the table. Kat kept asking me if I was okay and I replied 'of course' but I wasn't really.

I wanted to be somewhere else. Not necessarily Chicago even, just anywhere else. Though i joked relentlessly that I want to move there permanently I am not sure if the lure of the city has to do with the place itself or just my overwhelming eagerness to move on. To be somewhere new so maybe i will feel new. I don't know. I just don't know.

I sort of need the next few weeks to be great. I need a pick me up but i realize i will have to take huge steps myself to make things better. Not being on Facebook is a huge step. That motherfucker is a deathtrap of depression for me right now. I want to give myself a month away from that site, just for my sanity. Of course it feels a little weird but i'll adjust. I am trying to compile a list of things to look forward too; Kat's birthday being one of them. That girls been good to me and I want to celebrate her birthday as best possible. Outside of that i'm not sure but because crawling out of my skin and life in favor of a new one is not a possibility, i'll have to make do with what i have.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

I think it's Love


video

I am back in New York after 7 glorious days in Chicago. My trip this time around was a vast improvement from my visit  this winter and i can honestly say i love that city and want to move there Asap. I have loads of pictures and videos to post (most of them using a 8mm app) and because i temporarily deleted my facebook account ( this week on social media is going to be rough thanks to someone's stupid birthday) I will post as much as i can right here. But first i need to shower and unpack a little and sleep. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014



I had my interview with the other University today and I do no think it went well. I was all sorts of personable and adorable and enthusiast but one of the interviewers seemed unsatisfied by my lack of administrative experience. He was totally nice about it but when he found out that i have never worked with advising students about their curriculum he got all dull in the face and i got the sense that it was a deal-breaker.

Any other week i would totally be bummed about adding another bad interview to add to the list. Any other week i would lament about how shitty things are and how i am never going to get that studio apartment where i can make my own homemade lemonade. How nothing every seems to fall in my favor.  Any other week i'd feel defeated.

 But, not this week because i'm about to go on vacation so honestly the only fucks i care to give is delegated to packing and buying clothes and cleaning my room. My bucket list of things I want to see and take pictures of has been drafted. I am bringing my big fancy professional camera along and of course plan to take and instagram as many pictures from my phone (the above shot is from my first trip their) as possible.

I'm flying out early Sunday morning and will be in Chicago for a whole week. A whole week! The real world and it's shittiness will just have to wait until I get back.

~Beckett