Tuesday, July 29, 2014

After Kat picked me up from the airport this Sunday, we headed out for a late lunch with a few friends. The late lunch had little to do with the fact that I was back in town and hadn't seen anyone in two weeks. My friends like food and this dinner was planned in advanced, i just happened to be in town this weekend to attend.

The night before a friend from work threw a BBQ at her sisters house (who is away on vacation) and much of the same crowd from that gathering attended lunch at this small authentic southern food joint nearby. Despite wanting to see everyone and share stories about my trip, I was reluctant to go. I knew i was going to be tired from traveling, i knew that i needed some time by myself after spending a week in a hotel room with my mom, i have felt quite disconnected from most of my friends (more to do with my mood than my actual affection for them) and i didn't want to shake Chicago off so quickly.

All in all the trip last week was exactly what i needed. I was able to go away and not be me in a sense. I was a stranger in a new place and i liked the feeling. I adapted quickly to the city and the streets and the atmosphere and felt at home. Chicago is absolutely stunning; the city is surrounded by water and at times intercepted by it. You can't turn a corner without sensing you weren't too far from a beach or lake. Despite being a huge city, it often felt smaller and more intimate.  And everyone was extra friendly and nice, there were so many parks and local attractions. I didn't want to leave.

I had a much better time than my mom though. I have never considered the fact that my mom is getting older. I am still at an age where she seems pretty invincible to me. She was an active mom when my brother and I were younger. She'd pull us out of school sometimes just to take us to a park so we could play baseball or throw Frisbee's. Like me she is small but strong and because this is what i have known it's hard seeing her in any other light.

But she was diagnosed with diabetes two years ago and her health hasn't been that great since. Not terrible but not great. She's been exercising and eating better this past year but she is not as active as i remember. Her work conference only lasted 3 days and we had another four days to ourselves. While I wanted to ride bikes along the riverfront and head to museums (stuff she would have enjoyed doing some years ago), my mom had little interest in leaving the hotel. In fact had i not been there I think she would have spent the next four days in bed or worse she would have cut her trip short and headed home.

There were times when this inactivity annoyed me to no end. I can often times become readily annoyed by things. I am irritable. Not all the time of course but sometimes. With my mother especially I was put off by how little she wanted to do. I didn't want to go hiking or stay out past midnight. I didn't want to spend hours in shopping centers or take long bus tours with other strangers. I just wanted to take pictures and visit parks and eat great food. I was able to do some of this while i was there but often alone as my mom had little interest in participating. I take that back, she did participate but for only so long before she wanted to head back to the hotel.

It was sort of a bummer. At times i was taking her demeanor to heart especially when there were lapses of silence between us. She seemed bored and distracted most of the time. She constantly talked about my nephew and her desire to see him as soon as she got back home. Her energy was only reserved for so little activity and often times I preferred being by myself if only because i felt less stressed around her. It felt like we were on two different vacations. It felt like we were strangers.

I called my brother frequently for advice and reassurances about the mom situation. He told me that our awkward exchanges had little to do with how we felt about one another but about where we were in life. My mom is a grandmother who is a few short years away from retiring. Her days consist of work and home. She lives in a small southern town where her favorite pastime is going to thrift stores. She is settling down. And I couldn't relate to this new version of her because it differs so greatly from where I am in life. I guess i wanted us to share our differences rather than be distanced by them.

Regardless of the awkwardness we managed to enjoy the last day in Chicago together. I finally had a Chicago pizza and hotdog. We walked on the riverfront for a short time and we stumbled upon a used bookstore and record store within the same block. It wasn't a particularly magical day but it was good.

Of course when i landed in New York Sunday i was a little homesick for vacation. I love Chicago. I loved everything about being there. I have a strange fondness for being new because I rarely feel I fit in. And lately i don't feel at place anywhere. I have this desire to start over every few years. To try a new version of myself out in the world until i feel happy. And lately this desire has been relentless because my unhappiness is vast.

I am unhappy here. Just unhappy. A lot of it has to do with the fallout of the Sean drama (and today being his stupid 28th birthday isn't helping a girl out). A lot of it has to do with being 28 and having nothing to show for it. A lot of it has to do with loss and my continued feelings of emptiness. Everything here reminds me of something and that something usually causes an ache. This feeling was evident during dinner on Sunday, i just felt so disconnected from the familiar faces at the table. Kat kept asking me if I was okay and I replied 'of course' but I wasn't really.

I wanted to be somewhere else. Not necessarily Chicago even, just anywhere else. Though i joked relentlessly that I want to move there permanently I am not sure if the lure of the city has to do with the place itself or just my overwhelming eagerness to move on. To be somewhere new so maybe i will feel new. I don't know. I just don't know.

I sort of need the next few weeks to be great. I need a pick me up but i realize i will have to take huge steps myself to make things better. Not being on Facebook is a huge step. That motherfucker is a deathtrap of depression for me right now. I want to give myself a month away from that site, just for my sanity. Of course it feels a little weird but i'll adjust. I am trying to compile a list of things to look forward too; Kat's birthday being one of them. That girls been good to me and I want to celebrate her birthday as best possible. Outside of that i'm not sure but because crawling out of my skin and life in favor of a new one is not a possibility, i'll have to make do with what i have.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

I think it's Love


I am back in New York after 7 glorious days in Chicago. My trip this time around was a vast improvement from my visit  this winter and i can honestly say i love that city and want to move there Asap. I have loads of pictures and videos to post (most of them using a 8mm app) and because i temporarily deleted my facebook account ( this week on social media is going to be rough thanks to someone's stupid birthday) I will post as much as i can right here. But first i need to shower and unpack a little and sleep. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I had my interview with the other University today and I do no think it went well. I was all sorts of personable and adorable and enthusiast but one of the interviewers seemed unsatisfied by my lack of administrative experience. He was totally nice about it but when he found out that i have never worked with advising students about their curriculum he got all dull in the face and i got the sense that it was a deal-breaker.

Any other week i would totally be bummed about adding another bad interview to add to the list. Any other week i would lament about how shitty things are and how i am never going to get that studio apartment where i can make my own homemade lemonade. How nothing every seems to fall in my favor.  Any other week i'd feel defeated.

 But, not this week because i'm about to go on vacation so honestly the only fucks i care to give is delegated to packing and buying clothes and cleaning my room. My bucket list of things I want to see and take pictures of has been drafted. I am bringing my big fancy professional camera along and of course plan to take and instagram as many pictures from my phone (the above shot is from my first trip their) as possible.

I'm flying out early Sunday morning and will be in Chicago for a whole week. A whole week! The real world and it's shittiness will just have to wait until I get back.


Monday, July 14, 2014

I have an interview this Thursday for an administrative gig at another university and I have all sorts of mixed feeling about it.

I currently love the University I am working at. I have my own office. My hours accommodate sleeping in late while also ensuring I get out of work at a good time. It's only a 30 minute walk from my house. And the lady in the cafe hooks me up with extra chicken in my quesdilla. I also work on the same floor as the cute IT guy who i've have yet to form complete sentence in front of but there have been intense staring.

The problem is my job is only part time. I have no health insurance. I get no paid sick or vacation time. And there are no raises. The hourly rate i started at is the hourly rate i will make until i leave. If I had another part time job that wasn't Le Sad store I could realistically work two jobs for the next couple of years and survive as I have without a problem.

But lately i've been wanting things that have forced me to look for a 'real job' or at least a salary job. About a week ago we had this epic thunderstorm and I ran outside on the porch to watch it. I wore nothing but a flimsy skirt and t-shirt and listened to Smother by Daughter on my ipod. I have never been happier, which says a lot because the last few weeks have been tough. It was just me and the rain and music and I was incredibly happy. I spent an hour on the porch and when i finally went inside I realized that if all i could have were thunderstorms, lemonade and a porch to chill on i'd, right now anyway, be content.

And while i like where i live right now i really would like a space of my own. A small studio with a kitchen and a living room space. I want to be able to come home and have this place that is all mine. I want more space to decorate than my bedroom. I want to bring people into my home and have them feel comfortable. I want to be able to enjoy rainstorms and homemade lemonade from my own home.That's it. That's all i want right now.

Of course obtaining those things means I need to make more money and at this rate I'll be renting a small room forever if i don't figure something out soon. Change has always freaked me out though and I am nervous about the possibility of working at a new school. I have no real sound reasons for this apprehension, i just do. For this reason i was only applying to positions at my current University because of comfort but I've either heard nothing back or gone on shit interviews like the one last Thursday.

It was for a position on the undergrad campus which i spent an hour getting two via the schools limited summer transport. While i got there early for my interview I had to wait an extra 45 minutes because my interviewer wasn't ready. When i finally met with her she informed me that she was an HR Manager and that this interview was just the first of many to come should i be deemed fit for the position. She spent 10 minutes going over my resume (verbatim) and then dismissed me.

I was not pleased, especially because I took off of work to meet with her and this interview could have been done over the phone. She did not get a thank you for meeting with me email. And she won't.

I was actually hoping not too much in the job hunting department would happen this week because of my Chicago trip but the assistant to the Dean of whatever called today and was uber nice and excited to talk to me and I have an interview this Thursday.

Fingers crossed I guess. I could really use a nice studio apartment and kitchen to make lemonade and a chill space of my own to listen to dope tunes.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

In less than two weeks i will be in Chicago with my mom for a short vacation. I know, what?!?!?!?!

In the weirdest turn of events my mom has a work conference in Chicago for 7 days and asked me to come along since my last visit was limited and underwhelming. She had no intention of going at first but I sort of begged her to go on the all paid for trip and to bring me along because she's my mom and loves me and stuff. 

So yea, less than two weeks away i will return to Chicago like a prodigal child. I am very excited about this. 
You don't know how much i need this freaking vacation. Or maybe you do. I am tired and lonely and feeling in the pits lately about everything. 

After a small panic attack last week I decided to email Sean and tell him not to contact me anymore. Of course because it's me, the letter was a lot nicer than he deserved. I told him that i appreciate him trying to stay in touch but that i am no longer apart of his life or the one is creating for himself. I told him i wish things could have turned out differently and that i hope he has a great life as i will not be a part of it.

I now wish I would have written something meaner and that I sent that meaner version to his fiance (where i said things like:  he is lucky i stayed in contact with him this long. that he doesn't deserve kindness from me. that i am angry at him for taking advantage of me and that i don't wish him or his fiance luck. The fiance whose email i now have and want so desperately to email about how shitty and sketchy her boyfriend is. And that i can describe how he looks naked and that he said he wishes she would die so he didn't have to deal with her. I would end the letter wishing them a loveless and unhappy union for as long as their sham relationship lasts).

 But i decided that was too harsh and to be the better man and take the high road. So I hit send on my nicer version and waited nervously near my computer for a response. 

The response i got was typical of Sean: which means i was disappointed, confused and fucking angry. I don't even think he read my email because if he had the last thing he would have responded with was: "I got you sand from another country. But i can't tell you which one. ~Sean" . That's it. That's what he wrote. I spent two days drafting my email and he writes back that he got me sand. SAND

I was disappointed because I wanted an actual response from him. I of course wanted a 'you're right. I'm awful and  I don't deserve you'. I was confused because did he even read my email? Did he read the part where i told him i was not going to be around for him anymore. Did he read the part where i said our lives aren't going in the same direction. Did he read the whole 'goodbye Sean' line????

But mainly i left feeling angry because his response meant he either read the letter but is not validating what i wrote OR he didn't read the letter and is still trying to string me along via hope. Hey Beckett i got you sand from another country. Remember how happy you were when i brought you sand back from Delaware!!! So that means i am thinking about  you while i am at sea. And that when i get home i''ll have something to bring to you. Because i love you and i'm sorry i'm a douche".

What bugs me though is that it's a fucking lie. Because Sean lies to make things easier. He's just not very good at lying. Because honestly where the fuck Sean getting this sand from. I mean really. He is on a boat. In the middle of the ocean. I assume they are on land for some time but not enough time for him to magically collect sand and bring it aboard. He did not collect sand for me (even if he did it wouldn't mean anything) He lied and created a story to keep me interested. He lied so i'd stick around. He lied because it was easier than the truth.  

Ugh. That motherfucker.

Since then i have been in a funk. Not even because of Sean and his shit ways but because lately everything feels different. I don't feel like i have attachments to many people anymore. Kat has her new job which is making it damn near impossible to hang out with her. I am never at Le Sad store, due to me quitting soon, and when i am there I am bored by what people want to tell me about. Everyone around me seems to have someone or some thing to keep them occupied and here i am getting emails about Sand. Sand.

So i am more than ready for this vacation. This time around it'll just be my mom and I and we already have a bucket list of things we want to see and do. I need time to be away from everything that reminds me of how things use to be. I am excited to be in this new place where no one knows who i am. I am not heartbroken Beckett. I am not displaced friend. I am not annoyed employee. I am not sad girl-sweat pants.

I'll just be in this girl in a big beautiful city snapping pictures and wearing cute dresses. For a whole entire week. I need that.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Why Won't They Just Leave Me Alone :(

from: [my email address]
to: {sean's father email address]
cc: [sean's military email address]
sent: Saturday 10:45am 
subject: Re: Letters to my Son 

Dear Mr. {Sean's Dad}

I received both your Facebook message and email and am glad to hear that Sean is doing well. It has been some time since Sean and I have really talked so your updates are  appreciated. Unfortunately our lack of contact has much to do with the fact that while Sean is deployed his limited communication should pertain to family and close friends and we have mutually come to a conclusion that I don't really met either of those requirements these days. While he is deployed we  decided to limit our contact as to give each other space to accomplish our goals independently. 

I want to thank you for all that you and [your wife] have done for me these last few months. I understand the desire to share Sean's successes with me despite our decision to support one another from a distance. If you hear from Sean tell him I have received all of his messages on facebook and from his email and that I hope he is doing okay and that he is happy and safe out on the sea. I think about him often and can only hope that he is well. I wish you all the best and continue to expect only great and adventurous things from your family even if i am cheering you on from the sidelines. It's been a pleasure knowing you all and i thank you for having me along for this journey however short and brief it was.  


Beckett Amelia Hughes.