Sunday, September 27, 2015


I typically spend Sunday nights worried that i am not doing much with my life. things are great. I am good, okay and for the most part happy. But after cancelling plans with Kat on Friday because I wasn't feeling well (long story) I realize that I do not have much of  a social life outside of her. I don't really have much of a life at all outside of work and her. I spent the whole weekend under the covers, watching netflix and reading books. While it was a very peaceful and relaxing weekend, i recognize that it is something I do often, and I worry that I am shut out from the outside world and connections. And this definitely weighs heavy on Sunday nights as I prepare for another long and dreadful work week. I am 29 years old and I literally have no idea what the hell i am doing with my life and I prettified that I am missing out or have missed out on things and people and experiences.

Friday, September 18, 2015


This being an adult thing is the pits. The absolute pits and if there were a way to resign from the adult world, I would gladly put in my two weeks and just, you know, live off the grid for awhile (if it didn't arise crippling anxiety in my chest, which it does naturally).
Lyle, my only real friend at work, left the company a few months ago to move in with his girlfriend and work in Brooklyn. To be honest his leaving has not bothered me that much in the grand scheme of things. Despite our office friendship, he was disliked by everyone in the office (which initially drew me to him) but he also we a terrible employee and honestly was going to be fired pretty soon.
I must reiterate that I adore him as a nerdy, interesting, thoughtful companion... but he was not at all a good or attentive employee.  He was socially awkward and had a very condescending and curt way of speaking to everyone. When he wasn't talking down to people, he was boosting about his life; mainly his girlfriend who he met on the interwebs. Most of our lunch hour consisted of him talking about her, in a way that i know all to well, like she wasn't a real person but an idea of a person. If it weren't for the pictures of her he wanted to share or the text messages he wanted me to look at, I honestly would have thought he made her up to make himself look more interesting and fulfilled.
He meant well though, personally and professionally,  and when he wasn't boosting or educating everyone on everything, he was the one person who made work bearable, even if it was a marginal bearable-ness. Especially during lunch, as he was the only person I was "allowed" to eat with. And now that he is gone my displeasure with this place continues to grow like an ache on an old bruise. 
I hate sounding ungrateful about my job and working because despite my complaints I am more than grateful for finally making money and struggling less. Around the same time this year I was poorer than I've ever been, seriously depressed and stressed out about the Ashat and his Ashat ways. On top of that my landlord decided to up and sell her house giving me less than a months notice to find a new place to live. I felt like everything was crumbling around me. My life resembled a house of cards tumbling down, all at once, as if I'd leaned in to close.
So trust me, ungrateful I am not, but it doesn't mean I don't wonder from time to time if I am doing this "adulting" thing right because i am so unfulfilled by things. A lot of it is work related (the other is relationship related, which i'll try to open up more about) because I do not feel like anyone respects me here or what I do but I am expected to excel at my job because I do it well.
Because despite everything...I freaking excel at my job. There is no doubt about that. Apparently we are given raises every 3 months and my boss pulled me into his office a few weeks over to go over my work performance and to let me know if I was getting this 3 month raise.
My boss sort of terrifies me. He is this slight older man with a limp and a soft voice who started this company 5 years ago. His wife, two sons and nephew are all employed here and you can tell the failure or success of his company rest on all of us. Because I was hired as Patricia's (still a bitch) replacement the first couple of weeks were hard because he kept comparing us. I'd get something wrong and he would throw a mini tantrum "i don't understand why this is so difficult" despite the fact that I was practically learning things by myself because Patricia (still a bitch) was a terrible teacher.
After a few weeks, I think I earned my boss's confidence that I could bring something to the job that Patricia (still a bitch) couldn't..likability with clients, and he backed off and let me do my job sans looming and criticizing.
He seemed to agree, non-verbally, that I was far exceeding his expectations by giving me a raise at the end of the summer. It was a small but significant encouragement which I readily accepted. But just last week I was due for my second performance review and this time I was called into his office so we could go over stuff. He started off by telling me I was definitely going to get a raise and that he thought I was doing a really good job. I was kind of taken aback because my boss doesn't talk to me but rather at me. It can be a little annoying and patronizing. Though Patricia (still a bitch) and I have pretty much discontinued speaking to one another at work and our job responsibilities are vastly different, I get this sense from my boss that he thinks I am still not as great as Patricia (still a bitch).

So despite telling me about my additional raise, I thought his reasoning for wanting to talk in person was for him to compare me to Patricia(still a bitch). And there is no one in the world I'd want to be compared to less at the moment. Instead my boss wanted to go over my 'reliability' a word i am still very confused about. I am a pretty reliable person. I mean, I think I am. I did take off some days this summer to accommodate my moms visit and i did call out once to get my hair did---I mean because I was sick. I have only been late once, because my bus was stuck in traffic.
While I do believe I am a reliable employee, I will admit that I have taken a few liberties from time to time because I do not always feel appreciated here.A major issue, one that Patricia (still a bitch) has initiated more than once, is that when something goes wrong I am blamed. One of the last straws for me with Patricia (still a bitch) was back in July. We were supposed to translate a clients website into another language but this was missed during production. While I am not a part of the production team, Patrica(still a bitch) starts getting at me about failing to catch this small detail. In front of everyone she starts lamenting in her Aunt Sue Ellen, big shoulder, ugly green blazer, how I should have caught this mistake because I enter in the contracts that specifies if a client wants their site translated in another language. This, despite the fact that I enter contracts with products only once, am not building the site (she built the site and had full knowledge that it needed to be translated) and am also not the one who sends out the request for the material to be translated.
But she kept going on about it, as if to make a point that she was better at my job. That if i paid more attention, this would not have fallen through the cracks. And of course once she started in on me, everyone who was at real fault came at me as a pack of wolves. I was defiant and annoyed and snippet at the whole ordeal. I realized quickly  that she was a dick, an irredeemable dick that I would never talk to her again. I also realized that no one takes what i do here seriously because i just answer the phones, and interact with clients everyday. Even outside of that scenario I often feel talked down to or worse not part of this company.
And I know this has more to do with the fact that I am the one who forwards calls and emails from clients who wish to complain. I am the gatekeeper to bad news which easily in some way makes me a person people don't wish to hear from.
Because of this my level of giving a damn has quickly diminished. I still do my work and do it well, but i recognize that this too is just the waiting place between being able to support myself and finding a career. It's just that simple.
My boss however has other plans. After he tells me he wants to go over my reliability he states that I have become a huge asset to the company. Not only that but that he thinks that if I am committed enough I can have a really good and long career here...FOREVER.
Okay, he didn't say forever but he was implying it  And as this implication was being presented before me, I must admit that I was filled with dread. Dread. I'm at an awesome place in my life where I really don't know what I want to do, who i want to be, or even where I see myself in a few years but as sure as hell know what I don't like, what i won't put up with and who i ain't. And honestly I have no intention of making a career for myself here and I am mortified at the thought of this being a peak for me career wise. If this was it. 
Of course, I didn't say any of this to my boss. I like my paychecks and being able to afford things for once. But I know deep down where I think thoughts that do not make it's way to the surface often, I cannot envision a future where I am sitting at this cubicle, taking calls from clients who treat me with more respect than my employees. I can't. I won't. 
But I recognize that knowing what I do not want from this place only means that I need or will need a plan b. I will at some point have to figure out what the hell I want to do or can endure which make me sort of anxious cause I know how long it took me just to get to this place.

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

This work week is hitting me hard and I am counting down the days until Labor Day weekend.
Looking at photos from my vacation is helping a little but I could seriously use another vacation asap.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015


Summers been keeping me busy (and away from journaling) and I am sort of ready for the cliche of Fall and the slowness of the season to return.

 I have always had this sort of love/hate relationship with summer. Obviously when I was in school, summer represented freedom and the opportunity to read and write as much as I wanted too. I liked learning and being in school but I loved having 3 months away to do my own thing which often consisted of binge watching tv. I loved waking up later and staying up even later. I loved bike rides and summer foods. But that was/is sort of where the love began and end for me. I have never enjoyed summer heat and worse summer crowds. I am not someone who is always comfortable in my skin and dressing for summer weather is a struggle. Not only that but the things that to tend to epitomize summer exhaust and overwhelm me.

Generally, I am not a person who 'summers' well. I'd rather spend a hot summer day at home, under blankets, reading a book than outside interacting with the world. Generally... This summer however, I seem to have found the balance between my introverted ways with the enjoyment of summer activities. There has been an abundance of bike riding, movie watching, summer food eating, and exploration in between hibernating, book reading, Netflix watching and naps. lots of naps. I also discovered that I love sitting in the sun. Just sitting: nothing less nothing more. On my lunch breaks especially now since my work friend Lyle put in his two weeks a month ago ( a long hilarious story, i'll have to write about), I spend lunch breaks by myself, because I am still quite the pariah in my office, just sitting in the sun. The weather has been so nice the last few days that for 45 minutes a day I sit outside on the patio, eyes closed, face turned upwards while the sun hits my skin. It's a nice and comforting feeling that I will miss once summer comes to a close. I will miss the warmth despite the fact that I am very eager about fall and autumn happenings.

 I was so convinced that summer would be ruined because of memories of ashat that I was hesitant and almost reluctant to participate or enjoy any part of it. My logic does not always make sense as I am always thinking and over analyzing and wanting to be two steps ahead of disaster. But on ashats birthday, after weeks of convincing myself that I would not be able to handle the day or memory of him, I was struck by how normal the day was. Outside of the emergency 'are you going to be okay' text from Kat, the actual day was not too bad and my thoughts were so far removed from him that i feel like I am finally moving past him, us and whatever we had (though he does and will creep up in my writing a lot) It's not as soul crushing and heart breaking as I expected.

I was so convinced that no not knowing him would be almost as painful as being in love with him when he was so easily not interested or capable of loving me. I found out recently that he may have actual gotten married to eggplant head before her birthday (you know, because she had a eye tumor and he wanted her to have insurance because she was near death and all...le sigh, how and why did I fall for this boy) and while the news was shocking, it wasn't crushing. Nothing about my life after ashat has been crushing. Instead it is the opposite. I am comforted and relieved that he's just not a part of the life I am creating for myself and there is something liberating and enjoyable about this. 

Nothing has been more evident of this than the ease and enjoyment of summer this year. I've gone to ballets, Broadway shows, parks and seen a lot of bad movies in theaters. Kat introduced the wonderful world of podcasts and I am toying with the idea of starting my own, just for the hell of it. I went to a theme park this summer and several bbq's and of course I sat in the sun a lot, during the week and especially on the weekends.

The pinnacle of summer was my mom coming into town for 9 days to help me decorate my apartment. While the move has turned out to be one of the best forced decisions of my life, the stress of the predicament made adjusting a little difficult.I have done a pretty good, and quick, job decorating and making the place feel like home but I think my mom wanted to give my home her blessing and seal of approval. And while her last visit to New York was not that great this one was pretty successful. She bought me a crap load of decorative things and we even went to D.C for two days, because why not. For once I could finally afford to a mini vacation and my mom has always wanted to go to Washington D.C.

 It's sort of weird being in a position both financially and personally to take care of my mother a little bit. I mean, I am still pretty broke as hell but for the most part I was able to plan this trip to D.C and cover half of the expenses. I planned everything from the train ride down to the hotel we ended up staying in and my mom was relieved that she did not have to be the adult for once and make decisions because all of a sudden I was capable of taking charge of things.

 The trip to D.C was pretty good, save for the mistake I made of inviting my freeloading aunt (my mom's younger sister) along with us. This is the same aunt who i lived with when I first moved to New York before she kicked me out of her apartment because...I don't really know. After a year of living with her, she phoned my mom one afternoon and asked her when I was moving out of her place because I was taking up too much space or what not, despite the fact that i was never really home. Our relationship has always been a little weird. Growing up she was the fun cool aunt who loved to go shopping and do other girly things that I had no interest in. So when she was stuck babysitting me or forced to interact with me, she would criticize my un-girly ways. Our adult relationship is very similar.

  Living with her was a completed and utter nightmare and moving out probably saved me from despising her. Outside of my dad, who i don't see that often, she is the only relative I have in New York and for the sake of my baby cousin, I put the terror of living with her behind me because she's family. But during the planning of this trip to D.C she never once mentioned paying for anything: hotel, transportation, food. My mom and I joked, based on knowing her, that she wouldn't chip in one bit and that we were essentially giving her and my baby cousin a free all expenses paid trip to D.C. And of course this is exactly what ended up happening. She did not offer to help pay for the hotel, transportation, food or any other miscellaneous expense. But that wasn't the worst part. For someone who did not chip in at all she was very adamant that she did not want to see any of the historical sights and instead wanted to hit up Walmart and Target.

To say i was livid would be an understatement. I spent all this money and time planning a trip for me and mom, asked her and my cousin to come along as an afterthought and she had the nerve to complain about everything. I keep my composure up until the moment I said I wanted to visit the Library of Congress (because I've heard it's beautiful, and there are so many books and snerk gerks it's a LIBRARY) and my aunt replied "i am not going to a library while we were in D.C. Who wants to spend a place that stocks books".

 There were no words. Absolutely no words. I was so mad, the only thing I could do was walk away. I ended up spending the afternoon by myself in D.C. for fear that I would punch my aunt in the throat if she said anything else. I have never throat punched anyone but she was a prime contender that afternoon.

 The rest of my moms trip ended up being really fun and eventful. We returned to my apartment on Saturday and spent the rest of the weekend (and her stay) decorating and drinking wine (I am not sure when my mom became such a heavy wine drinker but she hooked me up with a shit load of wine!). It was fun having her in town. She was lively and well spirited. I was relaxed and even tempered. I like living alone. I like my space and escape from the world. But having my mom here made me miss the simple everyday of companionship. I liked having someone at home waiting for me. I miss telling someone about my day. It is something I miss far more than I would like to admit. And while I am sure adopting a cat would cure some of my loneliness and desire for companionship, I am wise enough to realize that too may not be enough (even though, I would really really like a pet. I am just not sure if my landlord allows pets though).

 It makes me anxious that I am going to have to put myself out there soon if I want any shot at a real relationship. I am not one who likes to put much of an effort into anything when it comes to socialization. I want to just skip this middle part of yearning and just get to the part where I have a handful of good friends and a cute boy to come home too every night. A cute nice boy, in my cute nice apartment with our adorable cats. I can dream can't I and Fall is such a magical season, I am hopeful that these things are on the horizon. Anyway, back to work. I seriously spend more time trying to look busy than actually being busy. I don't know how much more of this "9-5" life I can tolerate. More on that later.

Monday, July 13, 2015


Today I sat through 5 different meetings at work. I wish this was an exaggeration. 

Every week we seem to come up with another reason why we need to have a meeting regarding previous meetings....and it is driving me nuts. 

Today was a little different only because 2 out of the 5 meetings were to go over office policies and such but that did not stop me from zoning out. 

Following the meetings, we then got a mass office email asking everyone to meet in the conference room at 4:30 to partake in another 'birthday cake-awkward singing-followed by awkward returning to our cubicles to avoid conversing with co-workers' celebration.

I casually ducked out of the office at 4:29 to answer a phone call and spent 15 minutes hiding on another floor until I was certain the 'celebrating was over'. Luckily no one noticed (or didn't care) that  I was MIA for the celebration and I was relieved not to have to make up some lie about where i was. 

I hate that I hate my job but not for reasons that have to do with my actual responsibilities there. I hate that this gig turned out to be just a place I go to for 8 hours a day to make money and not a place where I am doing something I love with people I like being around. 

July is tough month for a billion and one reasons (most of it having to do with memories of ashat) and I feel crankier, grumpier and sort of in the dumps lately. I made the stupid mistake of unblocking him for a few days on facebook because I thought I could easily resist the urge to go to his page. My will lasted all but 10 seconds and I found out he is now stationed in Japan, probably living it up while I sulk and still think about him more than I should. 

As someone who is always giving advice, I find myself telling my friends more often than not that they can't spend their life measuring their achievements and experiences to someone else's. This is hard to do of course when social media makes it seem as if every one is progressing at a faster rate. If you aren't getting engaged, moving in with your significant others, returning to college for another degree, landing a new job, traveling the world or having a baby the constant reminders that everyone around you is...can be depressing. 

I rarely get jealousy of the monumental life events of others. Generally I  tend to a) be happy for someone who expresses the good fortune in their life (or just uninterested enough to care )and I am unabashedly proud of every small or big achievement in my own life. Like today I was able to find socks that matched. That shit is huge! I was so freaking happy, I wish I could have announced it to the whole world. Instead I just walked around all day knowing if I took my shoes off, i'd for once, have socks that matched. 

The only time I fail to follow my own advice (of not being a hater) is when it comes to ashat. He has made me so miserable these last few years, that the thought that he now has this exciting new life sans me depresses the shit out of me. In my black and white thinking, he so easily gets to move on and start over and experience new and tremendous things while I sit here at home on a Monday night, drinking apple cider sulking about my shit job, my lack of a social life, and my feelings of ennui. 

And this isn't to say I don't want him to have a good and kind life. Surprisingly, despite everything, I do not wish misery on him. But I am not going to lie, when I saw his announcement on facebook that he was now stationed in Japan I was filled with anger, jealousy, rage and resentment. It was stupid punch in the gut in some weird way, like how the hell do you get to live this amazing life, when you are such a shitty person, when you have caused so much pain. How do you get to just continue on without any sense of guilt, while I hold on to everything like it's my curse. 

I quickly blocked him again and sure as hell will not let curiosity get the best of me for a very long time. But I suspect this month will continue to be hard regardless (his birthday is just around the corner, I might literally spend all day under the covers) but I can't stew in this funk for too long. 

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

I tried OK Cupid for a hot second and realized quickly that I am somehow not made for the world of online dating.

But i want and miss companionship I just wish it were a little more personal and organic than reading through profiles and getting a ton of 'wanna hook up" conversation starters.

I think I would like to be courted. I'd like to be approached in a bookstore or a supermarket or even a chill bar by someone who notices me in passing and is compelled to say hello and engage in small talk.

I have had a few of these interactions and they have all been great and interesting but do to the abruptness of it nothing ever pans out much further than that. I am charmed, I believe said person is charmed but when it's time for us to part there is never an exchange of numbers or 'if you're ever free".

That approach is a little more difficult and risky.

Sometimes though, I wish I could just skip to something comfortable and nice with a boy that I deeply a fan of. Sean wasn't shit but he did provide companionship from time to time and now i finally feel ready for an actual, not fucked up, so cute it hurts, complicated but bearable companionship.

I am just not sure where or how to go about this dating world that is much too complex and impersonal for me.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Happy Pride 2015

Such an amazing day. Surrounded by amazing people. In an amazing city. Celebrating an amazing time in our country. I couldn't be happier.