Saturday, January 24, 2015


I'm still adjusting to weekends off. But I can't lie, not having to go a work when it snows on the weekend is perfection. Just perfection.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Most Unpopular Girl in the Room.

I was never one for senior superlatives....but right now if one were assigned to me I think it would be that one. Le Fucking Sigh.

The last few weeks it feels like I have stepped into a time machine that has transported me back a time where I a) had little to no friends b) felt lonely and depressed and c) found comfort only under the safety of blankets because no one loves me and I am destined to die alone. Okay Most Likely to Exaggerate Feelings may also be a superlative I would win. But seriously the times are circa 2006 right now and I no likey.

I do not know what is going on in my life at the present moment. Not too long ago I was a person with friends, a social life, a disastrous but still discussion worthy 'un-romance'. I was worried about there not being enough time to tackle things. I'd sleep late and wake early. I had two jobs that kept me busy. I had concrete plans. And a cat named Memo. I was social and useful and while things weren't great I sure as hell was distracted.

The last few months have been very different from the one I once knew and I am not sure I am handling these changes well. The move into my new place was necessary and for the most part i love it. The privacy is awesome. The space is incredible. And not having to share a bathroom is the best! I've been sharing one for the last 28 years and suddenly I have one all to myself. I can take baths for as long as I want without someone knocking on the door.

I live in a college town maybe 10-15 minutes from where I used to live but without a car I often feel secluded from things. New York is a strange place; I am a bus ride away from one of the most populated areas in my county and yet my actual town feels small. It is the Stars Hollow of the tri state area with it's quaint and picturesque surroundings. But I am sort of stuck in this truly adorable town without any friends to explore it with most of the time because I am still adjusting. It's kind of depressing.

Speaking of friends: outside of Kat I am starting to believe I do not have many 'friends' left. I kid you not. Working at Le Sad Store was awesome because I was able to interact and form bonds with people on a weekly basis without having to put in much of an effort. Work became a hangout place where all my social needs were met. It was much easier to plan things around a bunch of people getting off work at the same time and desiring to have fun. But since I quit Le Sad Store I have not really dropped by mainly based on my own experiences with seeing old co-workers stopping in for the awkward 'so, what's new' spiel. Which seriously is the pits.

 Plus many of the people who I was close to aren't there anymore. Some how I thought it would still  be easy to maintain those friendships despite everything. But apparently I was wrong. Either I misjudged my closeness with a lot of people or I am just not as popular as I'd like to think. Maybe both. I sort of put myself in this position if I can be honest. Sean and Kat were the two people who i exerted all my real energy on but my dynamics with both were so differently socially. And of course now so is my relationship.

No one really liked Sean at Le Sad Store. He was a domineering presence who was cocky and moody as fuck but people tolerated him because of my closeness to him (and because he had a car). In classic form once our 'un-romance' feel apart and he joined the Navy I retained all of our friends but i realized I wasn't super close to them based on mutual interest, I was close to them because Sean liked to be entertained and to make him happy I made sure to be game for any asinine activity he wanted to engage in but could not handle doing by himself. Or more importantly that he wouldn't have been invited to engage in without me. Once he left so did my desire to participate in those things anymore and eventually people seem to have just stopped inviting me to do them.

On Kat's end I am the Jan Brady to her Marci. I often feel like her less attractive, less interesting sidekick that is often only required to supply comic relief. While Kat and I generally have the same friends I am never really asked to hang out with any of them unless Kathleen has been asked too as well. The last party we went to I was talking to a mutual friend for a solid hour at the bar. The conversation was lively and fun and Kathleen was not even within earshot of us. Before getting up to leave said friend said 'this has been really great, we definitely need to hang out soon...make sure to bring Kathleen with you'. This was not the first time someone has said this to me. I am certain it will not be the last either.

So now that we both do not work at Le Sad Store my worst fears have suddenly been confirmed. While Kat still remains in touch with a bunch of 'our' friends who want to catch up with her and hang out...I have not received the same response. We'll be hanging out and she'll comment on a text she just received from a mutual friend about establishing plans and they will mention me in passing 'oh, and tell Beckett I said hi", as my phone idly sits there with no calls, texts or even messages. What's even more depressing is in some cases my presence seems not as important. It does not matter if I miss an outing as long as Kat is there.

Last week we both got sick on a day we were supposed to hang out with a bunch of people from Le Sad Store. Leading up to the outing, my presence was a hit or miss. I was expected to show up but like most things it wouldn't be the end of the world...if i didn't. So when we both got sick leading up to the actual day my feelings were mixed. I felt guilty for not going but then not really sure if any would miss my absence. That night Kat received condolences and 'get well soon' messages for not being able to make it  (which she had no problem relaying/texting to me as I lay dying). I on the other hand was chastised for being selfish and possibly exaggerating how awful I felt to get out of the outing. Yep. No condolences, not get well soon...just a 'all of a sudden ure sick? mkay".

I am trying to keep my head and spirits up despite how awful things are and how bad I feel. I just need things to get better so that I can feel less despondent and depressed. My days consist of work, which is still only part time, and home. Both do not require much activity or socializing. Both are not satisfying either. I've hit this weird spot and age where I have no idea how to make things better or what exactly would make them better but I worry about being in this funk, friendless, love-less, unsatisfying disposition any longer than necessary.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

It Went Away

Thanks to Life continuing to test my resolve (and fucking patience), I spent the whole weekend home sick with the Flu.

Every year Kat and I complain that we don't have any pictures of us together. As Bff's "there is something wrong with the fact that we have no documentation of our unadulterated  love' So on New Years Day (after I spent the night before crying over Sean), Kat and I went ice skating, marathoned The Affair (if there is one show you watch this year, please let it be this one), ate a butt load of junk food and decided we should take a series of selfies. Our last attempt at a selfie was three years ago on a hot summer day in Brooklyn. We were both sick and depressed and looked uncomfortable and sweaty in the picture. Needless to say this is not a picture we particularly like to look at or share with others.

This year we wanted to correct our selfie fail and after a few decent shots (and great lighting) she finally got a picture of us where we didn't look sickly or deeply depressed, which honestly these days is a look we pull off pretty well.

Unfortunately Kat didn't realize she was carrying the plague during our photo op and over the weekend she showed flu like symptoms. I of course wasn't too worried when she complained of feeling ill because I'm the person who usually gets sick well after everyone else. While I am not immune to getting sick I have been known to catch things weeks/months after everyone else. So needless to say I thought I was in the clear.

But then Thursday came around, the day that will forever be known as the "day i thought i was dying'. Or more accurately 'the day i got the flu but thought i was dying because I am dramatic' And while I love Kat to death I do believe I caught it from her during the hour it took us to properly take a selfie. I want to go down in history as the first person to contract the flu from being adorable with her best friend. Happens to the best of us, I guess.

Today was my first day out in the real world since contracting the bug and I do believe I have made a huge mistake in leaving the house. While i feel scores better than lastThursday (which included: vomiting, headache, fever and chills, aches and general pains) I do not believe I am well enough to be outside. I may have worn pajama's to work. I definitely did not brush my hair and I have faked sobbed more times than I can count because I just want to go home. Why is it not time to go home yet.

I will say that out of this sickness I did do a very brave thing. I FINALLY deleted/blocked Sean, his parents, his fiance and his fiance's mom from facebook. I should have done this back in May when he got engaged. I should have done this back in June when he told me I was immature and needed to grow up (yes a motherfucker did). I should have done this in July when his father and dad kept updating me about his deployment. But I didn't because  I believed I could be his 'friend' despite everything. I believed maybe there was still something left between us worth salvaging.

We resumed email exchanges and contact in  October. Nothing dramatic or noteworthy but it did occur. His emails were florid with rich phrases and grandiose language. He wanted us to talk more. He would read everything i sent him with care and consideration. He looked forward to seeing me in January. He got me sand. And it is not that I believed that he had miraculously become a better person due his time at sea, I just wanted to believe that he was capable of change and maybe that person could be someone I could have in my life.

But then I caught him in a lie. A small but very annoying lie and had it been any other person I would have been able to look past it. But the lie reinforced that Sean can and will never be a person who deserves to be in my life. He is a liar. He is a cheater and worse he is delusional. More delusional than I thinking we could ever have a healthy and loving relationship. So before Thanksgiving I told him i didn't want to be his friend anymore. I wrote him an email where I I told him that I did not think he was capable of being a good person to me. I let him 'have it' so to speak and he responded with such disregard to how he treated me it only fueled my rage:

"you are a grown adult woman and you know what it is you want and I will not be contrary toward you in that way....I will always care about you because I am a human being with a conscience and i generally enjoy being a good person....your last email made me sad because it seems you are under the impression that I am no more than what you think of me....there is much more to you than what I or anyone else could think, and the same is true of every human being...".

Yep. This was his response. It couldn't have been any more impersonal.

This of course did not stop him from sending me messages through facebook: Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Chrsitmas. Happy New Year which all went unanswered by me.

And then he came home for 11 days and while I wasn't expecting much from him..I still expected something, I guess. I deserved to be acknowledged, which i know sounds crazy and stupid because I voiced my sincere interest in not being his friend, but after everything I did for him, going to Chicago being one of the biggest things. I wanted him to grovel.  It's hard to explain, But I wanted him to be accountable for how horrible he treated me.

I wanted him to call. I wanted him to text. I wanted him to want to see me because I deserved at least that. In return I wanted to be in a position where I got to deny him. Where I got to decide if he was worth seeing and hearing and feeling. But he wasn't even man enough to give me that. Not really anyway. He sent me that annoying facebook message and then failed to get back to me. He once again dangled something in front of me without having any intentions of following through. He just wanted to be seen and heard. He did not put my feelings into consideration. He was a coward.

So this weekend I took the first step in distancing myself from Sean and I erased him from my digital life. I blocked his dad, his mom, his fiance, his fiance's mom and finally i blocked Sean. Having access to him digitally (and vice versa) was stressing me out. So while I only had enough energy for sleep and more sleep this weekend thanks to the Flu, I took a few minutes between vomiting and dying and decided that I couldn't put myself through this thing with Sean anymore.

I flew all the way to Chicago to share a very special life event with him and he couldn't even visit me while he was home on Leave for two weeks. There is a special place in hell for someone like that.

Despite my righteous indignation over this recent and perhaps finale insult, I will have a hard time accepting that I was wrong about a boy i loved so dearly. Because I did love Sean. I am not above admitting this and I want to make that clear to myself. I did love Sean, maybe for all the wrong reasons but I loved him. I didn't date in high school or college. I was not a girl boys eagerly gave attention to. I am pretty. I am nice. I am funny. But socially I am in a place where that has not gotten me far romantically. I am still too unconventional. I am still very hard to get to know. And my relationship with Sean was a first in a lot of ways.

He became important during a time when i was fractured and that too will be hard to reconcile. I was so angry when Marie died and for some reason it was easy to fall on Sean during this time. He was hard and lacked empathy and just allowed me to express anger like I have never been able to do. And when I was angry and jaded Sean was the only person I wanted and could relate to.

I think the problems began when I started to stitch myself together again. My anger was slowly replaced with a desire to love and be loved and while I cannot speak for Sean I think he started to care about me unexpectedly and so suddenly that it scared the shit out of him. It terrified him. It terrifies him. And this is not said lightly. Everyone who has heard about my situation with Sean has of course revealed their own story of the 'sociopath ex' who used, abused and dumped them. The boy or girl who treated them like shit and deserves a permanent spot in hell. And while those stories are very familiar to my own, I do believe that Sean loved me but just didn't know how to. Or if what he felt was risk losing what he was comfortable with.

Again this is all speculation. I can't and will not speak for him. I still think he is the worst human being I have ever known. I am still too hurt and upset by everything that happened. I regret that we both weren't a little braver. But I do not regret my decision to cease all contact with him. I can't let someone continue to let me down as if i am something less than human. 

Thursday, January 08, 2015

It Never Goes Away

It's 7 degrees outside. 7 whole degrees. I wish this was an exaggeration but winter, which seriously took a fucking holiday in December, is here with a vengeance.

The new year so far has not been kind to me. I spent the holidays too broke to buy anyone anything and alone in my new apartment because I had no place else to go. I then spent the new year too broke to go anywhere and also very much alone. Okay I wasn't alone. Kat and I went ice skating and went to the movies and then fretted about our fears about the new year. But sometimes even when you are around people you can feel alone, especially when that someone is your best friend.

I was preemptively optimistic about the new year since last year was such a fucking mess. For a brief moment I felt like i could put the last year behind me with, i don't know, ease and grace. I thought i'd be able to shelve everything in a box labeled "the year of disappointment' and hide it out of sight and out of mind.

But luck is never really on my side. It is always there. It never goes away. The pain. The disappointment. The anger. The humiliation. The sadness. It never goes away, no matter how far I hide the box. It never goes away really.

Sean is in town for 11 days. I found out via his father who sent me a fb message. I spent a week ignoring all of his posts about being home and the pictures of him and his fiance (sporting a shiny new ring). I ignored the ache in my belly. I ignored the stab in my chest. I ignored the weight of what feels like the world on my shoulder. But more importantly I ignored Sean because the boy likes to throw out bait knowing I will grab for it.

Perhaps because of this he messaged me on Sunday telling me he was home 'until the 11th if i wanted to see him at all'. The tone was incredulous. Like how dare i not acknowledge him being in town. How dare I let the days go by without even saying hello. How dare I... his undesirable girl not reach out to him. How dare I.

So i sat there paralyzed in front of the message. i cried for hours. I cried into a ball. I cried until everything hurt. I felt possessed with tears and weight. I cried and then i wanted to die. Not actual death but evaporation. I wanted to evaporate and vanish into nothingness. It is what he makes me feel like nothing. Absolutely nothing.

How is it possible for one person to make me feel so awful about my own existence. Why does he still have this profound affect on me. Though my response, yes there was a response, was very blase there was a part of me that desired an eagerness from him to see me. There may always be a part of me that wants some sort of explanation as to why he choose to treat me so poorly.

I feel pathetic. I am depressed. I am also now very fucking sick because of the weather and perhaps because of disappointment. I want to die. Not actual death. But i want to evaporate into nothingness. Absolute nothingness where that pain is dulled at least.

Monday, December 01, 2014

Marie's birthday is this Saturday.

She would have turned 29.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

As of last Wednesday I am no longer an employee at Le Sad Store. I seriously thought I would never ever get to say those words out loud. It still feels pretty weird.

My decision to quit was a long time coming of course. Since I started working there six years ago (yep six whole years!) i have hated my job in retail. Were it not for the friends I made I would have burned out from that job a lot sooner than I did. It has taken me some time to realize that a place does not make a home. Because my family moved often I can't say I have ever felt an attachment to a place. I used to believe I did. I used to believed I had a fondness for towns and houses or apartments or buildings because they held memories.

But now that I am older I think that fondness had more to do with the people who inhabited those places. It was more of a right time, right place sort of thing not so much the places themselves, you know.  And that's what Le Sad Store was for me. I was attached to the people more-so than the job or my position. Because if I can be honest the job effing blows and being a bookseller made me quite the shitty reader. And towards the end I wasn't even a great employee. I wasn't terrible, I showed up, helped customers, cleaned up but I spent more time hanging out in aisles or the back of the store or even the break room. I was never where i was supposed to be because helping customers was the least of my concerns.

I only looked forward to going to work because my friends were there. The work itself was too demanding for how little we were paid and I fear I will always twitch when I pass a Le Sad Store. Anyway, after Sean and Kat left I really didn't have any other reason to stick around. I only worked two nights a week and now that I live in a different town the commute was ridiculous. I am still trying to get use to public transportation (until i can afford a car) but I will never get used or comfortable to take the bus home at 11pm with a series of sketchy men and women on their way home. Google the song "freak comes out a night". That song represents my adventures on public transportation at night. Hilarious and scary.

I was tempted to stay on seasonally to reap the benefits of my employee discount around Christmas time but the store got a new store manager who i refused to work for. Ever. He has hit on every girl/woman who works there and uses his large size to intimidate anyone who seems uncomfortable with his sexual advances. While I am small in stature I do not put up with rapey vibes from people in power and gave him as much attitude as I could without getting fired. On my last night I reported him, anonymously, to our company, you know as a parting gift, by  writing a scathing email about the store manager and his sexual harassment of his female employees.

I then cat-walked out of the store forever with dramatic music playing in the background and smoke emanating from the shelves. Like the boss ass bitch i am....okay my actual exit wasn't that dramatic but it should have been. I actually limped out (i sprained my ankle two weeks ago) while my co-workers wished me the best of luck and encouraged me to visit when i can.

While I am more than happy with my decision to quit, I must admit adjusting to life without the memories of that place is weird. A year ago my days revolved around when I was going to be at the store. Now, my current day to day routine involves waking up at 8 so that i can shower, eat, watch tv before I need to catch the shuttle at 10:30 that drives me to work. The shuttle only makes a few runs from the Undergrad campus to the Grad campus daily so I have to catch this bus even though I don't start my shift until 1.

I get to school, hang out in the library for an hour and then eat lunch; which i now bring from home like some weird adult, because eating from the cafeteria is expensive and I need to save money. After my lunch is consumed I start my four hour shift at work which, if we aren't busy, usually involves listening to pod casts or writing silly stories. I catch the bus after 5pm and head home to clean, read and prepare for the next day. I talk and text, I make myself dinner, check messages and email, and settle down in my jammies so I can marathon Cupcake Wars on Netflix until i fall asleep. It's oddly domestic.

Don't get me wrong, my new found domesticity excites me. I am still very much a social person. I hang out with friends and have plans and am enjoying my life and independence. I am excelling at weekends and activity...the week days, not so much. This year has been nothing like the previous one and I marvel at what a difference a whole year has made. I am not lonely but some times I feel more alone this year than I have since Marie passed away. The chaos and noise was a distraction and I am beginning to miss distraction in favor of this slight isolation.

I know that things are a million times better than they have been. I continue to be excited over my small triumphs and successes. I love living on my own and the responsibility that comes with it. I got a minor cold this weekend and instinctively went to the medicine cabinet for drugs. Of course because I am use to things just being there when I need it, I was confused and shocked to realize that my medicine cabinet was empty of anything useful so I had to go to the super market and stock up on medicine. I've never done that before!

While I am not trying to measure the experiences against each other, I am aware of them. Every freaking day. And a huge part of my life was that store and now, that too, is gone. I have outgrown it like i seem to be outgrowing a lot of things.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween! I plan on spending the bulk of Halloween at home watching horror movies and eating pizza. Kat and I planned to go to the city to attend the parade but I sort of chickened out last minute. Because Halloween in on a Friday this year I can't imagine being in the city with barely dressed men and women until 2 in the morning. I am simply not about that life.

Recently I got furniture for my apartment: a couch. some end tables. and a tv stand. and my 'home' is becoming the comfy place of my dreams. While i could go to a Halloween party tonight or attend a 12 hour horror movie marathon at the indie theater near house...this year I kind of prefer to celebrate the Halloween as I used to:  alone with my movies and at home.

The last few weeks have been physically and emotionally exhausting. Don't get me wrong I've had fun in between but i am looking forward to the next few days of rain and home life.

I hope everyone has a delightful and fright-free Halloween.