Sunday, May 17, 2015

Update:


still taking a mini hiatus from blogging. i am torn between making this space private and writing whatever the heck i want without fear or keeping it public but limiting what i can or wish to share. i am a little concerned about privacy but I miss sharing my life. so i'm a little torn as to what to do. Until then, here's a picture of my studio apartment. Making a 'livable' income has allowed me to furnish my first home, which is honestly all i've been up to these days. I think it's adorable and could not resist sharing. 

Until I see you again, 
Beckett

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Postscript: LIVID!



I love blogging. 
I love writing. 
I love sharing my stories with like minded people. 

The last nine years with Blogger have been incredible and for the most part so have all of you. 

Despite the amount of personal shit I share on this blog I do not and will not tolerate anyone who misrepresents my 'posts' as some perverse insight into my life. And because I am not above making an example out of anyone who crosses that personal boundary, the exchange below (i'm talking to you Adrian with no blog) is an example of what is NOT acceptable on any fucking level.

If you are reading this blog just to get off on some girl sharing her life stories (interestingembarrassing, and personal) this is not the space for you. I can suggest some other places on the internet where those needs can be meet. I appreciate feedback, I appreciate support and hell I have even requested and then appreciated all the diverse advice handed down to me.

I do not and will not appreciate vulgarity and or insensitivity on anything I post here.

My intention in writing these post is not to amuse or belittle everything that I've gone through and I am not above shutting this blog down to avoid responding to ridiculous ass comments. Moving forward I will blast anyone who takes advantage of my space. This blog encapsulates less than half of what goes on in my life and anyone who thinks my whole life story is represented here needs to move elsewhere for their 'entertainment'.

This is non negotiable. There will not be a second warning. 

~BAH

Blogger adrian said...
It was entertaining to read.

I really liked the shower episode. I can't believe you two didn't fuck there, that would have been a very happy ending, considering you made it seem like you never had a chance with Sean.
6:11 PM
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Blogger Beckett Amelia Hughes said...
Adrian: Yikes Adrian! first rule of this blog is that my entries aren't 'episodes' or entertaining' fodder. I've had this blog for nine years and the reason I keep it public is because I want to share my experiences with like minded people who are sensitive to the material I post here. Obviously there is a lot of things I leave out for privacy sake so when I do decide to post something it is to relate and share with a community that has been very supportive. Unfortunately I am not too keen on where you're comments are going and I must say that my experiences with Sean, however entertaining they were to read, was a traumatic one and not one i'd expect anyone to talk about so crudely. I am not sure if you are a new reader to this space or someone who normally doesn't comment... I am also not sure if you are being crude on purpose or if you are trying to incite me to make this blog private for readers who can relate and who are not just prodding into some strangers life for giggles... but I do not take lightly to anyone misrepresenting anything I write here. I also do not appreciate any disregard to my life and the stories I wish to share. Sorry buddy, but if that is the reason you are reading this blog, then Everything Was may not be the space for you.
7:09 PM
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New Girl

Working in retail for as long as I did, I (quickly) got used to new people popping in and out of my 'professional' life on a weekly/ monthly and seasonal basis.  It's the nature of the job to be honest; people  learn whether they have the ability to withstand the environment quickly and when they decide they don't it's usually a quick and sudden exit.

High customer service demand, crappy pay, long hours and often strenuous work is not even the half of what retail workers have to put up with...on a good day and  because of this retail is a place with a high turnover; faces come and go like a revolving door. I've seen a guy quit during his orientation, one girl quit mid shift because she was tired of being on her feet all day and for weeks no one could stop laughing about the cafe server who literally threw his apron off and said 'i'm not doing this shit anymore' as he was ringing up a customer. He then ran out of the store and returned months later to buy a gift for his girlfriend. Needless to say, it was awkward.

The point is I am used to new people and the dynamic one bring to the work place so much so that towards the end of my tenure as a bookseller, I stopped introducing myself to newbies. I am not proud of this but I am not in the business of lying either. This isn't to say that I was downright rude to new employees, I'd smile and introduce myself when a manager brought them around, i'd lie and say ' i was a person they could come to if they ever had questions' and then i'd smile, walk away and never interact with said new person again...unless they proved their staying power.

I was not particularly welcoming to new girls  and new boys i remained distant and aloof towards. On many levels my attitude (which I only displayed during my last year at Le Sad Store) had much to do with the fact that it is very hard to do your job and train a person who may not last that long. The other and main factor however, which maybe no one is proud to admit, is that it's hard to welcome someone into a working social environment that for the most part has been established.

It took about a solid 6 months before I started making friends at the store. The first few months were hard because i didn't want to step on anyone's toes so I remained out of the way for the most part. I ate lunch alone, was really quiet and preferred browsing the aisle's instead of interacting with my co-workers. I eventually carved out my small little group to hang out with but but most of them soon got new jobs and moved. Over time (once I proved I wasn't going anywhere) relationships strengthened, a work flow was established and a routine both socially and 'professionally' just sort of came together. It was great. 6 years later I wasn't the new girl but someone with the job experience to do my job well, a trial and error experience with co-workers until I found 'my crew' and unfortunately the bad habit of being dismissive towards anyone knew who threatened to disrupt what wasn't broke. Sorry New People.

 So from someone who knows the new employee experience from both sides... I get it. I totally get it...being new for the first few months is dreadful...it's difficult...some co-workers will be cold and distant at first...others will be too friendly and informative...things will take time to fall into place. But when they do,  things will be great! I just wish I could skip all of this middle stuff and get to the comfort and enjoyment of not being the new girl.

My first two days at work have been interesting and exciting to say the least. This being my first full time office job I was struck by how on point shows and movies like Office Space and The Office represent the working environment. My company has about 30 employees;  most are about my age and a few are much older. I have my own spacious cubicle located next to Patrica (Trish) where I will eventually work from once I am fully trained. There is a meeting room and lounge area and cafeteria with free coffee.

Like new game introduced to the animal kingdom I was pretty much ogled my first day. Luckily i wore a very cute outfit so i was okay and prepared for the physical assessment.  A handful of people introduced themselves right off the back while others remained at their workspace only to peer over at me like an annoyed Senior in high school having to be nice to Freshman meat. The one's who introduced themselves are super close to Trish so by proxy they were very friendly. They also work in the Support department (which I will be leading) which could also explain the friendliness. The Marketing and Sales department make up the other half of the team and they are the ones who will be hard to impress. They were standoffish and arms crossed but spent most of the day passing my cubicle and peering over my shoulder.

The job itself if pretty doable. It's mainly customer service and editing with a few small marketing responsibilities here and there. I am taking over Trish's job (she got a promotion) and am sort of her impersonal assistant until I can work on my own. She's been training me the last two days but is sort of scatter brain and gets easily distracted. I don't even know how to answer the phone yet which sucks because it rings constantly and will be my main responsibility. I am so used to knowing how to do my job I hate how incapable I am of doing anything at the moment. I have heard the Marketing guys make snide comments about their own assistants who they've had to baby the first few months and that's the last thing I want to do. I pick up things easily and adapt even quicker but at the pace it is taking Trish to train me I look and feel like a cat being dragged on a dog leash.

My obvious concern was that I would get to this job and regret not taking the one around the corner from my house. I am happy to report that that is not the case. While the commute will take some getting used to, I am totally stoked about this job. It offers the social work environment, professional work experience and opportunity for growth on all levels. Plus there are a handful of office cuties which I will just look at but still they are there. I also got my first paycheck this weekend for the two days I worked before the end of the pay period. I literally made two weeks worth of money from the University in two days at this place so guess who can afford cable soon...this girl.

So yea, things are looking up. It's definitely a new situation and I am possibly embarking on a new life but i am excited, a little anxious, hella optimistic and happy. Very happy for the chance to make something out of the opportunity I've been given.


Thursday, March 12, 2015

Today's the Day

starting my new job today and there are loads of first day jitters: will I make a good impression on my new co-workers. Is the outfit i choose to wear not office-like enough. Will my sandwich and cheese-it's snack cut it for lunch...shit i don't even have a lunch bag, do people bring a lunch bag to their jobs. Will I like this new gig. Will i hate it and be filled with regret for turning down the other job. Will there be an office cutie i can ogle. Shit, what happens if there isn't an office cutie I can ogle!

But with the handful of first day jitters I am also super excited to start something, anything, new. I do not want to be in a rut anymore. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone. I want to start building something from the ground up rather than taking residence in pre-occupied, and often derelict,  homes. This alone makes me less nervous, even as my legs bounce up and down from nerves while typing this. I am starting something new. New and that has to mean something as far as the universe is concerned. 

~Beckett

P.S. During my new excitement stage I, obviously, update the template for my blog. I've wanted to do so for a while. I am surprised by how much I like the changes. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

If This Were Pretty in Pink...

I am not the greatest decision maker. It's just fact. I have, in the past, mulled over decision for days and weeks before making up my mind and even then I am not 100% sure i've made the right one.

Lately most of my decision making involves food: what do i want to eat for dinner, what should i pack for lunch, should i throw out this stale bread or save it to feed the birds at the pond near my house. And even then, i can't readily decide the best outcome for myself, so instead, i'll go to bed hungry or throw cookies in my sandwich container instead of making lunch or keep the stale bread until their is mold and neither I nor the birds can eat it.

I am terrified of making the wrong choice. I am terrified and yet always filled with regret some how and paralyzing indecision. My mom says it's because I spend to much time with sliding door scenarios. Instead of just accepting the path my decision will take me on and dealing with it as I go along, I consider every minute detail until I have driven myself into a frenzy.

Today has been one of those days.

Two weeks I didn't even have one job offer and today I suddenly two. During my week of job interviews I interviewed for a really small  construction company (6 people in total) that is literally around the corner from my house and that pays significantly more than Justin's GF job. It was long shot that i'd even get this gig because I am super under qualified and I do not have a car (which is something he seemed to stress). The obvious perk was of course the fact there be'd no transportation and the pay was well over my asking price.

He said he would make a decision by the end of the week (last week) but that he liked me and would be in contact as soon as he talked to some other candidates. But then Patricia contacted me and invited me to her office and she was so fucking excited about me working with her and to be honest I was fucking excited as well.

Since quitting Le Sad Store and ending things with Sean my life is pretty depressing these days. The town I live in is adorable but I have not met anyone my age to hang out with and honestly I am sort of seeking companionship. The long-term sort of one. My friend Heather and Kat are the only two people I see/talk to regularly (outside of my mom) and it often feels like I am in seclusion. Kat implemented a pj/movie night at my apartment every Friday which at first was fun until I realized that everyday at my house with or without Kat is pj/movie night. I have no social life, little to no human interactions with peers and the highlight of my week once was that I marathoned a whole season on Law and Order over the weekend never once taking off my pj's.

So while the pay and lack of transportation were appealing at first, I realized the construction job would also in some way enable this solitary existence. I would crawl out of bed, go to work, be in charge of running all the administrative duties of a small company and then return home after an 8 hour day to spend by myself. Kat disagreed of course. She said being close to home would give me more time to do things failing to see that I do not have anyone to do things with. Heather disagreed as well lamenting that I would have money so who the hell cares about being alone.

I did not throw in their faces that they were both born and raised here. That they are surrounded daily by family members, friends and boyfriends. They both live rent free with their significant others and are constantly doing things outside of their job which compensates for how much they both dislike their jobs.  Sure they complain about loneliness as well but I don't think they truly really know what it looks and feels like to be lonely. I sometimes forget what my name sounds like outside of my own voice because no one ever says it. I have gone days without talking to people and when I have reached out I feel pitiful and then pitied.

I guess this is something i have not readily admitted to myself or other people but it is a factor that has made the last few months unbearably sad. Not only do i feel secluded geographically but mentally and emotionally. I miss intimacy and no amount of money can replenish the loss.

So when the job with Patricia opened up I was excited on many levels. I hand't heard back from the construction company yet, there were mad cuties where she works and the salary is exactly what I wanted (minus my traveling expenses of course which would be about 5 dollars a day). But the main factor was that it would allow me to interact socially with a diverse group of people in a new town. Coming home would feel just as so...coming home. Home being a place I enjoy and want to retreat too when the real world hasn't been kind. Lately home has been a jail cell where I return to because I am not fit for human interaction.

There was little to no hesitation when she called a few hours after my interview to offer me the job. Partly out of financially desperation but mainly from the standpoint that I wouldn't be working alone. Since receiving the good news I have been on a high! I finally, after six years, have a full time job! I will soon be able to afford things! I will also be able to make friends! office friends but still friends!

And then....the construction company called this morning, left a voicemail and offered me the higher paying job. I was hoping they wouldn't call so the decision was placed out of my hands but life has a way, even when things are going well, to kick sand in your face.

 I called my mom, I called Heather, I called Kat in a damn near frenzy. I already accepted one job (which I plan to start Thursday) I couldn't suddenly go back on my commitment just because the one that pays more money shows an interest right? Kat and Heather both thought i was crazy for even mulling over the decision: take the one with more money, right around the corner, I [Kat] can now come to  your house right after work because you live down the street and we can watch more tv. I [insert Heather] can now visit you during your lunch break because I work in the same town. But I [insert Beckett] am not quite convinced that more money will make up for how unhappy I am. Sure it will allow me to buy more things and come home super early after work...but that's it. That's all. And at the end of the day that is the last thing I want.

The construction job is the Blaine to Patricia's Duckie job (pretty in pink reference to anyone who hasn't seen it but seriously everyone has seen this movie right). And while Molly Ringwald eventually choose Blaine, I'd rather take my chance on Duckie, just for now you know. With this being my first real full time job where I will regardless make more money than I ever have I also want the perk of meeting people.

For love or money I have surprised myself by recognizing I am a person who prefers love over the luxury of money. And in this case 'love' is possibility. It is risk. It is choosing my needs over my wants.

Monday, March 09, 2015

Birthday Miracle.


I have been a little mum on my financial situation these last few months because honestly I didn't want to jinx it and make it any worse than it is. I was fearful that even talking about how broke I was (am), how many bills I have forgone paying (except rent clearly) and how little food I have been eating was not something I wanted to put out in the atmosphere because I didn't want karma to have it all blow back in my face ten-fold because you know, life likes to kick you when you are down.

Honestly though, since December I have been living paycheck to paycheck...even tho my paychecks barely cover rent. This is literally the broke-st I have ever been in my whole life and I once lived off of 7.75 minimum wage at the library job when I was in college, so i know what broke looks and feels life.

I can't say my current lack of money has anything to do with quitting Le Sad Store but it did a little. Even though I only worked there two nights a week and I would bring home about $100 the cushion was nice. The hemorrhaging of money began with the big move in October, which led to money having to be spent on transportation (which never was an issue before) and now that I have a kitchenette the amount of food I spend on groceries has been in play concluding with my general cost of living...I simply don't make enough money at the University alone to pay for my life expenses.

The biggest issue has been the job at the University which recently cut the hours of all part time employees because the school is on the brink of bankruptcy. Instead of being able to work 30 hours a week we can only work max 20 hours, but that was the max was the best case scenario , since the cut and the snow days I probably work 15 hours a week and two weeks ago I only made $266 for the pay period. I may have cried so much I turned into a puddle for everyone to trek their soles through. It was depressing.

I immediately amped up my job search and got lost in the dark twisted world of temp agencies, job hunting websites and craigslist (which is an entity of it's own). For anyone who hasn't faced the desperation of job seeking, I will tell you quite painfully..it is the fucking pits. I'd wake up and apply to jobs, I'd search for listings on my phone on my way to work, i'd get to work and search and apply and repeat this process until my shift ended. Then, i'd go home to search and apply until I fell asleep. I spent 3 miserable weeks doing this, only to get less than a handful of interested employers.

And the few places I did apply to were great but fell through quickly:

there was an opening at the University for a full time job, in the city, with a bunch of job and fun employees (before my interview began, i heard someone crank up the radio because R.E.M was playing). I was probably older than the guy who interviewed me and we were both very informal and enthusiastic about me joining the department. But then he broke the bad news towards the end of my interview. The job's starting salary was less than my asking price (by like 10k) and while I was a shoe-in for the job he wanted to make sure I would be okay with the pay and having to commute to the city. Of course, I joyously replied that I would make it work because I wanted nothing more than to stay with the university. We shook hands and he walked me to the door and said he was looking forward to working together.

As soon as I got home I crunched numbers and realized I would not be able to live off of the salary and instead would be paying the University to work there. My paychecks per pay period would roughly be around $400 dollars ( 2 paychecks per month) and to put things in to perspective traveling to Manhattan per month alone is $436. While I was desperate and had no other prospects I emailed the interviewer and told him I could not accept the job offer but was grateful for the opportunity.

THEN, I had an interview with a publishing company in the city. My brief stint in publishing was not a great one. I love reading, I love writing but I simply have no interest of working in publishing.  Unfortunately, my degree and retail experience is tailored for the industry. I ended up finding a job at a small publishing company that was seeking a web savvy and adorable receptionist...and who else could fulfill the position but me. I interviewed with some awesome ladies and made an adorable impression on several of the employees (it involved me struggling to open the main door to the building, which lead to concern looks but eventual help from some of the staff smoking cigarettes outside). Before the interview ended they asked me for 3 references that they could contact. I scribbled down two of my current managers and then my friend Heather (who has helped me out so much with everything this past year). I placed Heather's name on the top of the list, hoping they'd call her and then left the interview feeling super confidant so much so that i spent the rest of the afternoon in the city hitting up comic book shops and flirting with booksellers.

But silence followed said awesome interview. No request for a second interview, no phone call, no rejection letter,  just nothing. I was so confidant that i'd gotten the job and so elated from the feeling of a new start that realizing I hadn't gotten it hurt. I just didn't understand why it didn't work out. A few weeks later my current boss called so we could go over some job related things. Before he hung up, he asked "do you know a woman named [insert interviewers name] she called a few weeks asking if I could provide some info on you but I was nervous it was a scam so I pretended like i didn't know who you were or what she was talking about". My heart freaking sank. He knew I was job hunting but he didn't necessarily know where or when and I made the mistake of thinking they would call Heather instead of my manager.

I slowly tried to recover from the setback but nothing clicked. I got a few calls from hiring agencies that all promised awesome opportunities to work in finance which only convinced me they hadn't properly reviewed my resume which showed little to no experience or interest in finance. I applied to several part time jobs in my neighborhood because of my eagerness to work anywhere but they were all looking for high school or college students..not me.

The week before my birthday my luck turned around, I got 5 interviews out of the 40 jobs I applied to and I spent 5 days talking about my self to various employers. It was rough.

One of the jobs i interviewed for was with a girlfriend of a friend who basically contacted me via facebook and told me there was an opening at her job and she wanted me to apply so we could work together. She used to work at Le Sad Store and dates my close friend Justin (they were the couple who threw the Halloween party where I learned all the crazy shit about Sean from his cousin). She is sort of quiet and withdrawn but super nice and every time there is a group outing she and Justin attend.  I wouldn't call us friends but she is definitely someone who I get along with and could become friends with down the line. Because we border on the friend/ associate border I was a little confused by her offer and general excitement to interview me (yes! she was the one giving the interview). So I took off from work, trekked to this lavish building and sort of hung out with her for a good 40 minutes while she went over the job and what i'd be doing.

She spoke as if the job was already mine and I asked questions as if the job was mine as well. I couldn't imagine her asking me to apply and interview with her only to be turned down for the job. That would be weird and insulting right, like dangling food in front of a starving person. Towards the end of the interview she admitted that she had interviewed a few other people but did not like them, obviously, as much as me but that ultimately she would not be the decision maker in who gets hired. She also added "so please don't hate me if you don't get hired. I really want you to get the job but my boss pretty much decides". She walked me to the elevators and then gave me a big ass hug and  I left sort of confidant but also pretty sure i'd have to move back to South Carolina if I didn't get this job.

As soon as I got home and undressed I got a text from Justin's GF "i have great news...call me back". Two minutes later she giggly said the job was mine if wanted it because her boss felt confidant with whomever she, Patricia, wanted to hire. And with that I now officially have a new job with benefits that pays well and I don't even have to work on the weekends.

I start this Thursday (current boss, perhaps feeling guilty for the reference fumble so he was okay with me starting the new job sooner than usual) and am nervous but also very excited. I have never had a full time job before. I have also never had money, livable or disposable income. I have had such a shit year I wanted nothing more than to enter my 29th one with a renewed sense of possibilities. And all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere I have been given one. It feels strange and odd and yet necessary like the more I distance myself from the missteps of Sean and Le Store and my old apartment and the endless tears the better the outcome for my life.

At least that is what i hope. So yay! I hope this trend of good news continues. I could seriously use a break and a change for once.




Tuesday, March 03, 2015

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!

Just got offered a full time job!!!!!!!