I may have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today and because I am a superstitious person, i believe the signs are telling me I should have stayed home.
I woke up late this morning because I had a bad dream which made me restless the rest of the night ( I was on a subway platform waiting for my train and before the train arrived a fight breaks out between two strangers. One stabs the other violently and at first everyone is so stunned no one realizes that an attack has occurred until the knife wielding stranger starts directing his rage at the rest of us. The subway car pulls up just in time and we all board the train before he can slash us. I then wake up). Because of said restless I only got about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I tend to wake up an hour before my alarm goes off, but today I woke up only because of the alarm. I didn't have enough time to make breakfast or coffee and my bus was 5 minutes late because he is the worst effing bus driver in the whole world. I am his first stop of the day, the first stop!, and he is always late. True to form, he was 5 minutes late this morning and drove extra slow so I almost missed the transfer bus that takes me to work.
When I get to work this morning, the first thing i see is a snarky passive aggressive email from one of the managers at work, indirectly critiquing my job function. A few weeks ago this manager asked me to help him out with a project unrelated to my department. Simply put, he would send me emails full of tasks that he wanted people in his department to complete. My job was to simply to assign them a 'ticket" of their task via a ticketing system that my department heavily relies on.
The idea of creating and assigning 'tickets' to a different department made no sense on many levels, but he asked me to help out so I obliged.
A week ago, he pulled me over to his desk and admitted that it was silly to have me assign tickets for his department when he could easily do it himself (duh). I told him it was a redundant step when he first brought it up to me and he agreed. So he said I wouldn't have to assign tickets for the marketing team anymore...which I was relieved about. I washed my hands of the project and returned to just overseeing my departments ticket.
Needless to say when I came in this morning, after an already frustrating start to my morning, I was surprised and immediately pissed that he sent out an office wide email complaining that his marketing tickets weren't being created and it was unacceptable for things like this to be overlooked.
Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?
The people I work with have a tendency of throwing each other under buses. On a weekly, if not daily basis. After the Patricia debacle, I made a note of being solely responsible for my work to avoid being thrown under buses. I have about 5 specific tasks that I and I alone am in charge and I make sure that no one else dips their toes in those tasks. The last few months have been better because of this and if I can be honest my departments success is in direct correlation to this. I am certain.
So to walk into this bullshit this morning, over a task that was given to me and then taken away, was beyond infuriating. I responded to the email of course because I am not about playing games, reminding him that he told me not to create his tickets anymore and that i was confused by the tone of his email. Instead of extending a 'oops my bad you're right" he said 'I changed my mind, so forget everything I told you last week and go back to making tickets for my department".
If there was a table nearby, I would have overturned it. If there was a door, I would have kicked it in. I had to step out of the office just so I wouldn't hulk smash everyone to the ground. And even then when I got to the hallway to catch my breath I wanted to smash things.
Today is not my day. It's just not. I seriously, honestly would like to go home now and curl under the covers forever.
I want to spend the weekend cleaning my apartment. I know, I know, how effing lame but it think the actual purging of things (I don't use or wear) is long overdue. In jest, I am sort of ready to make space for new things. There's probably a metaphor about life in there somewhere... but seriously I have too much stuff and most of it needs to be thrown away.
I am a person who clings: to things, people, ideas...you name it. I've always been a somewhat clingy person. In the fifth grade my mom bought me a light blue wind jacket that I absolutely adored. I think she bought it for my birthday and I was immediately drawn to the blueness of it. I loved this jacket so much that i wore it everyday and refused to take it off in class. When the weather warmed up, I still wore that jacket and I remember asked several times to take it off by my teachers who worried.
Eventually I outgrew the jacket, or my mom threw it away...but the fact that I still remember it must say something about my hoarder-ish ways. I cling to things that I find un-spoken value in, and because of this it is super hard for me to let things stuff go. Once again, there is probably some subtext there, but in all honesty it is time for me to let some things go.
Turns out Chicken and Waffles is not in the cards for me this weekend.
I love Spring but Spring does not reciprocate the same feelings and today I am suffering from another bogus allergy/sinus infection that throws any ideas of being a productive and social person out of the window. It sucks, I was really looking forward to Brooklyn. and chicken. and waffles.
Trust me, I have no problem staying home on this rainy Saturday. I got my new laptop yesterday and am sort of in love with it. It's smaller, faster and sleeker; all things I didn't know I wanted in a laptop until this one arrived. I also purchased an amazon fire stick, so i could start streaming live television thanks to Playstation Vue, which is a far better alternative to cable. I am not one for product placements but this shit has changed my life and I am more than okay with staying home and watching live tv for a change.
I just don't like the being sick part. I can't breathe. Everything is clogged up. I feel pitiful and weak and I worry that i wont feel okay enough to tough out the upcoming work week. It's tough enough trying to put on a brave face when I am healthy but when I am sick I am less patient with my co-workers and boss and equally resentful for being a person who works in an office.
Despite the exceptional pay, I am honestly not happy with my job situation. I don't complain about this outwardly because I am super grateful to have a job that allows me to pay rent and purchase a new laptop and amazon firestick all in one day without being poor afterwards. I, more than anyone, am grateful to work and get paid for said work because I lived the alternative, which was worse. Living paycheck to paycheck was not fun. It taught me how to be super resourceful but I couldn't have survived much longer living that way.
So yea, I like having a job. I don't necessarily know what the hell i am doing 40/hours a week, I don't particularly like my co-workers and I think my boss is crazy...but I tough it out week after week because my life outside of work is pretty good these days.
But this doesn't mean, I don't often worry that life is passing me by while I sit at my cubicle not pursuing things that make me happy. I've been reading too many great books lately and listening to great music and following some talented artists on the inter-webs, and I can't help but wonder when i stopped seeing myself as a talented person in pursuit of something.
I got a super kind Facebook messenger from an old co-worker who wanted to know what I was up to these days. She wanted to know if I was still pursuing my dreams and writing and working towards being the kick ass girl I said I was going to be when I first moved to New York. The message was incredibly kind and something I needed. I often feel like I am waiting around for something big and grand to drop in my lap instead of taking risks. I feel rather stuck in a place of contentment rather than my once fierce pursuit of things. I am regularly asked to contribute writing pieces to various online publications and I've turned them down because I am not sure who I am as a creative person anymore.
It's not so much that i've lost my mojo, I just don't what my mojo looks like anymore and I worried that the days and weeks and months that I spend sitting safely in a cubicle is masking whatever potential i have to do something more with my life. Idk, maybe it's my stupid allergies making my head all loopy today. But It's the only thing on my mind and I lay here in bed, mulling about life and if I've accidentally settled into something that doesn't necessarily fulfill me.
I wish there was a handbook on this being an adult stuff. I could used some advice.
Ugh, I am struggling to stave off the weekday blues today. Struggling and the only thing saving me is the Hamilton soundtrack. It's fucking phenomenal, making me only more irritated that I am not as talented or brave to pursue anything creative lately. Le sigh.
The past few days I have been overwhelmed with a handful of little things and now all I want to do is crawl under the covers and wait until life stops feeling so 'stifling'.
The laptop I've had for six years suddenly stopped working last week and though I don't use my laptop nearly as much as I used to, the thought of not having a computer in my home freaks me out. The last time that happened, I was stuck going to the library to use the computer and I ended up sitting between a older guy watching porn and a teenager watching porn.
To avoid that fate, I decided to buy a new one this weekend though I should be saving up for the car I desperately need. I'm at a weird point in my life where realistically I can afford to buy a new computer. My cheap ways are paying off and my rainy day fund is more like a torrential rainy day fund.
For some reason this only increases the guilt I feel when buying things I don't really need. Well, things that I have to replace. I am freely okay with buying new books or clothes and bed-sheets. But I don't necessarily like replacing my sneakers because my old ones are worn out. Or buying a new computer because the other one decided promptly that I didn't need to use the inter-webs. If my laptop could last another six years, I'd be perfectly happy. But life doesn't work like that, i guess, so I bought a new online. Begrudgingly.
Of course after the purchase, I went home and started clearing some programs off my old computer in preparation to give it to my mom only for the damn thing to magically start working! I think it was just low on space (thanks to my massive Sims collection) and once I cleared up said space the computer started working okay. But having already spent the money and anticipating a newer faster computer, I've decided to keep the new one in favor of the old.
On top of that my friend Heather is having some issues at work that I feel slightly responsible for.
Heather and I tend to hang out on the weekends to shop and complain about things.This weekend was not that different. Because I am still without a car, I gladly take any and all opportunities to hit up the supermarket or mall with her. And, I generally like hanging out with her. After our almost disastrous falling out, I am super glad we reconnected and put our disagreement aside. I am not an easy person to love and I am learning to be less hard on the people who work damn hard to be apart of my life.
She recently got a promotion at the University (great) but her new boss is super crazy (not great). She's only been there a week and already her boss has snapped at her several times over personal rather than professional things. I feel super guilty about her current job situation because I was one (of several people) who told her she'd be crazy to not take the position, even when she expressed concerns that her boss's disability (an extreme form of autism/Asperger) could make her work life very hard.
After working in an office for little over a year. I can unequivocally say I miss working at a school. I don't necessarily miss my job, which I was overqualified and underpaid for, but my ideal situation at the moment is to work on a college campus, take free writing courses and pursue a creative outlet. I don't know if I want to write a book but I do know I want to have a stamp on something and I know i will feel great disappointment in my life if I don't at least try.
That's why when Heather came to me and said she was offered a promotion within the University we both worked at, I couldn't understand the hesitation. I'd trade my job in a heartbeat if I could get my foot back into the University. I'd love to be able to get another degree for free. I'd do college right this time while also getting paid to be there. And with this thought on my mind, I told her she' d be out of her mind to pass the promotion up.
But of course it hasn't turned out how anyone could have imagined. It turns out her boss may be severely disabled and cannot manage people professionally. Outside of her random outbursts she is highly paranoid and micromanages to a fault. The other day her boss listened in on her phone call and then pulled her into her office and told her she was not allowed to make phone calls to other employees on the campus...even to ask them for help. Heather told me this story over coffee and looked on the verge of tears and I must admit, the guilt flooded my stomach as I suggested this for her under the pretense that it would be a step in the right direction.
Adding to the mix of stressful things, I am going home in a few weeks to visit my mom and extended family. I am super excited about this vacation. I rarely go to Charleston when I am home and because my grandma is having a few health issues, it's one of those trips that I may never be able to make again with my whole extended family in attendance.My mom told me last week that my aunt will also be in town that week visiting and now I am all concerned that this vacation will closely mirror our failed excursion to D.C. I still have flashbacks of how awful that trip was.
My aunt has been sort of MIA for awhile thanks to her asking my mom and I for money, because she stopped paying her electric bill. It's a long story. When we told her it was impossible to come up with the amount of money she was requesting in such a sort time, she stopped talking to us for weeks. She's only just re-emerged into out lives and now I will be spending what was a few relaxing days with my flighty aunt and baby cousin who recently was hospitalized for anxiety (long story. a post to follow).
Needless to say, I am sort of over this week and I desperately need the weekend to get here so I can spend a few days under my covers, listening to Hamilton and reading books. Kat wants to head to Brooklyn so we can hit up a chicken and waffle place that we've both been dying to try but I'm not sure I am up for a Brooklyn trip even if chicken and waffles are involved. Okay, I might go for chicken and waffles, who the hell am I kidding, but there needs to be more days in the week in order for me to catch my breath and breathe.
On Monday I turned 30. 30 freaking years old. Trust me, I cannot believe it either.
I was reading some of my earlier journal entries the other day and I marvel at the fact that I was once a 19 year old college freshman / 22 year old recent graduate / 25 year old bookseller / 29 year old receptionist. I am struck by every entry and word and sentiment that has made up the last 30 years of my life. And also, how much has changed. Because a lot has changed.
I ushered in the big 3-0 this weekend with Kat. We spent Saturday in the city doing terribly hipster things and then saw an off Broadway show starring my not so secret celebrity crush: Joshua Jackson (who to the surprise of fan girls every where got completely naked on stage). While, the day was extraordinary, I must admit that my friendship with Kat is still murky. The days leading up to Saturday where spent arguing semantics. We continue to be on different playing fields when it comes to our friendship; which is starting to mirror a relationship that I didn't know I was in. Regardless we were able to make it through Saturday unscathed and are attending a baby shower this weekend for a mutual friend.
I continued my birthday celebrations well into the weekday. I took Monday and Tuesday off from work so I could shop, sleep and eat. Naturally my boss was not a fan of me taking days off from work but I refuse to work on my birthday. Refuse. I treated myself to flowers and books and hamburgers (plural for many reasons) on Monday. I cleaned and rested and marveled at the simplicity of my life these days. On Tuesday, my actual birthday, I was flooded with love from family and friends. I tentatively thought about venturing to the city, hitting up a museum or two and grabbing food solo...but I am too aware of how fun those activities are when shared, that I couldn't bring myself to venturing alone.
Instead I enjoyed my birthday at home. I opened presents from my mom and Kathleen and various cards from friends. I baked cupcakes, grabbed coffee at the local coffee shop and walked to my very favorite pond and wrote a goodbye letter to my 20's. It was a quiet and solitary birthday but I am grateful for another year. How weird it is to have gotten this far in life. How weird it is to be a 30 year old woman. Ugh, that sounds weird, especially as I sit here blogging, writing supernatural fanfiction and avoiding actual work.
I am going home for a week in April thanks in part to a wedding that has been called off.
It's a pretty long story (that I'll try and keep short). The gist of it a few months ago my cousin informed us all via a Facebook post that she recently met the man of her dreams (who she's only been dating 6 months) and they've decided to get married! Because you know, that's a logical thing for a middle aged woman with a teenage daughter to do.
This cousin is significantly older then me. She's actual my mom's cousin, which I guess would make her my 2nd cousin or great cousin...genealogy has never been my strong suit. We are definitely related though and as far as relatives go she is probably part of our very small inner circle of family members.
She used to babysit my brother and I often but because of the significant age gap, we never really got to know each other. But she's family so by proxy she's always been super nice and friendly. Of course a few yeas has passed since she last babysat us and now she is a single, mother with a pre-teen daughter. They recently moved to Charleston, SC to be closer to family and honestly I don't see or talk to her much unless I am visiting family or if she comes up to New York to visit.
Needless to say, I was a little confused when I got a Facebook wedding invitation from her announcing her recent engagement and that the wedding was a couple of months away. According to my mom, she met some dude in the Army a few months ago and decided to get married as soon as possible (maybe to lock it down). My mom only knows this because my cousin has been overwhelming everyone in our immediate family about wedding plans. Not only that, but she set the wedding for an April of this year which would only leave a few months for people coming out of state to book the trip.
Despite the lack of romance in my life, I am not so hardened by the idea getting married one day. It's weird to think it and write and even say out loud, but I could see myself being someone's wife. I can see myself with a husband and couple of kids in a small house in a small town with a routine that makes me happy. There was a time when I was against the idea of marriage, because I was young and it's cool at that age to think the institution is ridiculous. And maybe it still is.
But what I understand now is that marriage only seemed ridiculous a few years ago because I assumed marriage was solely about love and I thought I would never fall in love. I still worry that I may not fall in love or I am unlovable to some grand extend. But I've come to realize that you can love someone and not marry them. You can be married and not love the person you are with. My hope is that if I do marry it's because my partner and I are able to build a marriage on love and sustainability, and that one does not outweigh the other but rather compliments it. That too me would be perfection.
Because this is my outlook on marriage, I must admit I was hella skeptical when my cousin proclaimed her undying love for her new fiance. Because surely a love purely on infatuation cannot survive. I was also pretty annoyed that she was planning an extravagant wedding so quickly and bombarding us all with her wedding plans. My mom and I gave her the benefit of the doubt because love makes people crazy and this was her first and probably last shot at planning a wedding. The only super weird aspect of the whole thing was that no one has ever met her 'fiance'. I live too far away to ever have had the chance to meet him but my mom says until a few months ago he never existed and outside of some Facebook pictures, for all we knew he was a stranger catfishing my cousin.
A few days after sending out wedding invitations, I bought my plane ticket home for the April wedding. I assumed I could use my vacation time to head home for a few days and then travel to Charleston with my brother and mom to attend the 'wedding of the decade". But literally after I got my plane ticket confirmation, my cousin's 'finance' announced on facebook that he was not marrying my cousin in April and that the wedding was called off indefinitely.
I wish I was joking.
What followed was a mini war of words between my cousin and her now maybe 'ex-finance': her assuring everyone that the wedding was still going to take place while he adamantly said it wasn't. It was pretty embarrassing and as my grandma stated "my cousin sure is the talk of the town now!'. She sent everyone on Facebook an email about how it was just a simple misunderstanding (he was annoyed that she was spending all his money on the wedding while he was stationed in Hawaii) and that the wedding would take place sometime but just not in the near future.
That of course did not help me, as I already notified my boss that I was heading home for vacation. And of course, I already purchased my plane ticket home. I am only partially upset with having to take my vacation so early and also for forking over $500. But I don't need too many excuses to go home and visit my family. My mom and I have decided to make a vacation out of the wasted week. I'll get to come home and spend some quality time with my nephew and mom. I also want to visit my alma mater and she wants to hit up some beaches in Charleston if the April weather permits.
As always I am looking forward to a break from my life. I tend to fear that I am not making the right decisions and heading home always gives me some clarity. Lately I am anxious that I have placed myself in a situation that will no doubt blow up in my face. After the big blow up with Kat, our relationship is super strained. Snow-gate 2016 seems to be a turning point in our already strained friendship and honestly I am not sure if we can work ourselves our of it.
I went a few days without talking to her because I wanted to know if I could. In all honesty since I quit Le Sad Store, I have lost touch with a lot of people. The people I was close too all got new jobs and have embarked on a new routine that makes it hard to keep in touch. Because of this Kat, at times, feels like my only friend and it can be almost as lonely as actually being alone. I want to start meeting people and making plans for myself and figuring shit out. It is a huge risk that I am taking but I have to do it. I can't imagine the next five years consisting of Friday nights at my house watching Netflix with Kat. I would be so depressed if that were my life. I am sort of depressed now that it is my life.
So, I decided to give myself a break from Kat and I am not going to lie it felt good reclaiming my identity. It also felt incredibly lonely but good to know that independent of our friendship, I am still an interesting, kick-ass, independent person.
Of course Kat did not see it this way and she sent me a really passive aggressive text about how she feels like we are becoming strangers and acquaintances because she hadn't heard from me is 3 days. ????
I am not sure I have ever had a friendship as co-dependent as this one. My mom tends to be the only person I feel the need to talk to every day. I have gone weeks, even months without talking to friends only to reach out randomly and be able to swing back into the friendship without a hitch. With Kat this is not so. She often says that our friendship is uneven and I am not sure I understand how she sees it that way. To me our friendship tends to only work if it is on her terms. She needs it to be this very co-dependent friendship where we text every day, and talk about boys and shrug off responsibilities and individuality in lieu of us reading similar books and wearing similar clothes and having similar life paths. And if isn't exactly like this she becomes a nut case, which I only just notified.
It is like being friends with a middle school-er and to be honest this juvenile relationship scares the shit out of and also bores me. Because I have stopped responding to how she wants me to all shit has let loose. She went from sending me panicky, needy texts to accusatory and jaded ones. We were supposed to head to the city this weekend to see a show and grab dinner for my birthday but now all of a sudden she is unsure about going because we are 'like strangers'.
I am tired. I am perplexed. Even more-so I am annoyed.
I am not sure what will happen after this hangout (if there is one) but regardless this begins a new chapter in my friendship with Kat and maybe I will be able to comprehend what the hell is going on once I am outside of the situation for a bit.
It's been such a long time since I actually gone to South Carolina for vacation that I am excited. Over the moon excited even if the reason for going is devastating for my cousin. For some reason I look forward to the sweltering heat and the southern accents and the beach. I look forward to being someone different, somewhere different that is also so distinctly home to me.