Thursday, May 26, 2016

Boy O Boy

Crush boy offered to  give me a ride home.

Looking like I bake pie for a living apparently worked.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

All the Feels

crush boy makes me sweat. uncomfortably. like when he is around, I am drenched in sweat. Is that supposed to happen. where is all this water coming from.

I don't even know what it is. He's a normal boy. And I'm a normal girl. Except on days, like today, where I get all fancied up in hopes that he'll notice and talk to me. I am wearing a stupid polka dot dress and a cardigan with knee high boots. I looked like i am on my way to make cherry pie. The sweetness is unbecoming. I am actually a carnivorous beast but he is sweet and shy and slightly skittish so I thought i'd dress innocent and wholesome (instead of carnivorous and beastly) so, you know, he'd be less nervous around me.

I mean who can be nervous around a girl who looks sweet? I look like I bake cupcakes for a living. But alas, the boy is still being super distant and weird even though I catch  him looking at me all the time. It's confusing. I am confused and also very sweaty


Monday, May 16, 2016

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted.

In a blink of an eye my vacation has come and gone.

I can't freaking believe it. I feel like I was just talking about going on vacation and now here I am back in New York and  miserable as hell. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration I am not miserable (crush boy is making things easier but more on that later) but I definitely could have used another week (or two) of chill time instead of being thrust back in to the real world.

For the most part my vacation was pretty spectacular. After my cousins finance called off their wedding, I didn't see the point of cancelling my vacation. I know, I know that sounds terrible but I'm just being open and honest. This is a very distant and much older cousin who I haven't seen in a billion years and I was only going as my moms plus one. While  I sympathized with my cousin, I could not justify throwing away a whole week of being home just because the wedding was called off. Especially since my mom would be on vacation at the same time.

I knew that I had vacation time saved up and for the first time in a year I was able to book one without having to worry about my finances too much. Because my mom and I are pretty much best friends for life, we decided to split my time home in half: four days at my moms house  and 3 days in Charleston with our extended family. As a treat, for ourselves, we decided to rent a hotel one of the days in Charleston so we could freely site see and shop and eat food sans the constraint of being around family

We only decided the last part because days before I flew home, I found out my  drama-filled aunt and her daughter, Michelle, were coming down south (as well) to spend a few days with our grandma who lives in Charleston. My trip and their trip would only overlap for two days but based on the fact that my relationship with my aunt continues to test my patience there  was cause for concern once I heard we'd be on vacation at the same time, in the same place.

This is the aunt who i first lived with when i moved to New York. This is the same aunt who 'kicked me out' because I was taking up too much space. This is the same aunt we went to Washington D.C with, who still has not paid me or my mom back for the train ticket and hotel room we purchased so her and Michelle could come with us. This is the same aunt who recently asked both my mother and I for $1000 because she failed to pay her electricity bill. I love my aunt, I really do, but as you can tell she's not without fault and drama.

Lately, her new source of drama is health related. She had a freak accident a little over two years ago (she tripped onto some train tracks after the train departed) and has had a few minor surgeries to repair the fractions she obviously received. While I am not diminishing the severity of her accident, I do think she is milking the attention she's gotten from it. Though she complained to her insurance company that the accident left her emotionally and physically unable to work for 6 months, I saw her two weeks after the accident at Target because there was a sale on clothes she could not pass up. Grant it, she had a cane and a limp but if she was well enough to walk all the way from her apartment to Target to buy things then why tell your insurance company other wise.

Most recently, my cousin Michelle has adopted this need to fain sick for attention or approval. She's 10 years old and suffice it to say there a multitude of emotions and concerns that have come up because of this.  I have a much longer post planned for this part. I wrote it a month ago after Michelle had an 'incident' at school but I've been hesitant to post it because it's uber personal and private. For the sake of this post, I will only say that for the past few months Karen has had Michelle diagnosed with a litany of health issues:  asthma, juvenile arthritis, sleep apnea, various joint ailments and recently...wait for it...muscular dsystrophy.

For obvious reasons I claim BS on all of this (especially muscular dystrophy which she could not even pronounce yet alone have or pretend to have) because she's a 10 year old kid with no authentic signs of sickness. I only say this because from what I've seen,  her 'ailments' only come around when my aunt is there. I spent Christmas Eve  and Day with them and for a few hours I babysit Michelle while my aunt was out buying groceries. During the hour or that she was gone Michelle was bouncing off the walls from pre Christmas excitement. We danced in the living room, baked cookies, ran around outside because it was freaking 70 degrees and played various games. She was perfectly normal.

As soon as my aunt came home, Michelle became a different kid. Everything hurt, she couldn't breathe, she developed weird jerky spasms, she was meek and dependent and I was confused as hell by the turn around.

Of course even having these suspicion regarding Michelle's health is...a line I am not ready to cross. For one, I think her reasons for faking ill is closely related to the warped relationship she has with my aunt. My aunt is not a good mother. She doesn't nurture, she doesn't know how to take care or sustain things. She is self involved to the point of emotional neglect and I think Michelle is at an age now where it is having an affect on her. Secondly, my aunt seems to thrive off of having a 'sick' kid which only causes Michelle to act out more. When she isn't talking about her own aches and pain caused by the accident, she is constantly showing me all the medicine Michelle is on and babying her to the point of annoyance for anyone who has to watch.

It's a mess.

Anyway, I've let my mom in on this recent drama with my aunt but I don't think either of us was prepared for the act in full force. but I'll get to that after the positive aspects of my vacation!

On the whole, my trip home was relaxing, fun and comforting. I am glad my mom and I have the relationship we do (more best friend than mom) and I spent 7 days enjoying her company. My mom is this gregarious, goofy and charming women who is too good natured for this world. I say that outside of being her daughter. She makes me laugh harder than anyone else and while i was home, I wanted to be around her all the time just to listen to her tell stories.

 It was a good 7 days of bonding with her and my nephew Elliot. I can't describe how much I love my nephew. He is full of kisses and hugs and sweet talking. He's five now and he likes to talk to me on the phone, so before I even got to my mom's house he was counting down the days before my arrival. When I finally showed up, he greeted me with love and warmth that I will never understand. He doesn't even know me but he loves me and he likes to show this love with hugs and gifting me juice boxes when i was thirsty.

For 4 days my mom and I stayed in town, reconnecting, running errands, shopping and decorating. On the fifth day we headed to Charleston to visit my extended  family and meet up with Karen and Michelle. We knew that staying with Karen and Michelle at my grandma's house was going to be an ordeal, so we headed to Charleston a day earlier than expected,  rented a hotel in downtown Charleston and enjoyed a day of sight seeing and eating. It was glorious.

When Karen and Michelle arrived the next day we were prepared for the worst and like clockwork the drama started as soon as they arrived. My uncle picked them up at the airport while the three of us (my mom, grandma and I) waited at the house for them. As soon as they arrive my aunt starts recounting the harrowing story of Michelle's asthma related attack on the ride from the airport. Except it's not really asthma she ends up describing. Apparently Michelle now has a new disorder where....wait for it....cold air or warm air or extremely hot air makes her body convulse in this cartoonish jerky movements, followed by hyperventilation which then causes her to pass out. I was a little confused when my aunt was re-telling the story: they get into my uncles air conditioned car, Michelle starts shaking because it's cold, so he turns off the AC which causes her to shake even more, so my aunts has to pull out her emergency inhaler...

I gave my mom a knowing look as my aunt finished up her story waiting for us to react. My mom turned and apologized to my uncle for the inconvenience, my grandma shook her head and went back in the house to watch her game shows and I rolled my eyes and asked if anyone was hungry because I was famished! How else were we supposed to respond.

After they settled in we decided to head back downtown to Charleston because Karen and Michelle hadn't been in almost 9 years and as far as anyone else knew my mom and I hadn't been to Charleston either. My grandma opted out of going because she's older and can't get around as fast as she used to, so it was just the four of us.

We were downtown for about two hours before Michelle decided to have one of her meltdowns. Up until this point, she was on her cellphone or her tablet ignoring the beauty of Charleston and her heritage. She was only ever engaged when we brought up eating or when there was something kid related for her to do. I was annoyed that she was more interested in watching youtube on her phone than learning about where we are from but she's ten so I gave her a pass. I wanted to head to the historic part of Charleston to take pictures and we all agreed it would be a nice walk because the day was perfect. As soon as I stop to take a photo of a gorgeous house Michelle says "i want to go home...my feet hurt". I put my camera down and tell her "you're 10 years old, we've been out here for less than 2 hours there is no way your feet are hurting".

I can tell in her face that she is planning something. She looks hurt that I called her out for complaining which I only did because I knew she wanted to go back to our grandma's house to watch television.

Before I can even turn around to to resume taking a picture,  Michelle starts shaking and jerking in the most hilarious way. It was like a jig more than a shake and the movements are so forced I can't believe anyone who's seen it has taken it seriously. My aunt announces with what I can only describe as weird excitement "oh no! Michelle is having an attack" and starts pulling out various instruments of health: an inhaler (because you know shaking uncontrollably must mean you can't breath), some pills and a fucking airway device that she was hiding in what I thought was a lunch bag. SHE DID NOT HAVE LUNCH in the bag.

My mom, who is devouring an ice-cream, causally says "what the crap is this--" but my aunt cuts her off and tends to Michelle by fanning her face and holding her up. "It must be too hot outside" she says and of course Michelle agrees through hiccups that she is taking a turn for the worst because it's too hot and her feet are tired. I ask her is she needs to me get her water, and she meekly says yes. I slowly walk to a cafe and buy a bottle of water, when I return all three of them are sitting down. Michelle starts guzzling the water but instead of getting better her "shakes" get worse because now 'the water is too cold!".

At this point my mom, gets up and starts walking back to the car, which mind you is parked about a mile away. I catch up with her and we exchange a "wtf is going on face' but she is too annoyed and embarrassed to express anything more than that. I look behind us and Karen is practically dragging Michelle by the shoulders as she continues jerking and shaking in what I can only describe as the whip nae nae + the jig. Her arms are flailing, she is contouring her body like she is possessed while she bounces up and down on her feet.

 By the time they catch up to us, we are waiting in front of a cupcake store. As soon as Michelle sees the store front and the cupcakes and the sweets she immediately stops shaking, convulsing and jigging. Like immediately. She straightens up, peers into the window and excitedly asks my aunt Karen if she can get a cupcake. She must have caught me or my mothers eye roll because she quickly followed it with "...because my attack seems to be over and a cupcake would make me feel a little stronger".

I almost screamed at everyone when she said this. I almost lost my cool at my aunt and a 10 year old in front of a cupcake store in Charleston. How in the world is my aunt allowing this to happen? What the hell is going on that Michelle is acting out? How has no one (including myself) called them both out on how preposterous the whole thing is! My mom must have seen my inner dialogue and felt a storm coming because she tells my aunt we'll meet them back at the car and then drags me down the street. We didn't mention anything until we were well out of earshot. But when we finally we are...we are too shocked and concerned to say anything.  There is something terribly wrong and I again feel in a position where I don't know necessarily what to do.

We returned to my moms house the next day where I spent my last day home sleeping for about 12 hours. Going home is always such a weird experience. I keep expecting memories of my time home to come flying back to me when i'm there and instead I spend the bilk of time trying to find out who I was back then only to be disappointed that the reminders are smacking me in the face. Coming back to my home here is also equally exhausting. I still feel like I don't belong and am in search of my place. I think this is my place but not quite yet. After the fiasco with Karen and Michelle, I am having an even harder time adjusting back to the real world and this life I am creating for myself.

Le sigh. I could use another vacation. A staycaction. A grace period to adjust and evaluate and acclimate.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

i think i like a boy at work.

And it's so fucking stupid because based on my last experience with a work-related crush, I should stay clear of any said feelings.

But snerk gerks this boy is super interesting and there are legit moments of intrigue during our various getting to know each other conversations.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

New York State of Mind



Yesterday was the most superb magical day of my life.

Just saying.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Wrong Side of the Bed

I may have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today and because I am a superstitious person, i believe the signs are telling me I should have stayed home.

I woke up late this morning because I had a bad dream which made me restless the rest of the night  ( I was on a subway platform waiting for my train and before the train arrived a fight breaks out between two strangers. One stabs the other violently and at first everyone is so stunned no one realizes that an attack has occurred until the knife wielding stranger starts directing his rage at the rest of us. The subway car pulls up just in time and we all board the train before he can slash us. I then wake up). Because of said restless I only got about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I tend to wake up an hour before my alarm goes off, but today I woke up only because of the alarm. I didn't have enough time to make breakfast or coffee and my bus was 5 minutes late because he is the worst effing bus driver in the whole world. I am his first stop of the day, the first stop!, and he is always late. True to form, he was 5 minutes late this morning and drove extra slow so I almost missed the transfer bus that takes me to work. 

When I get to work this morning, the first thing i see is a snarky passive aggressive email from one of the managers at work, indirectly critiquing my job function. A few weeks ago this manager asked me to help him out with a project unrelated to my department. Simply put, he would send me emails full of tasks that he wanted people in his department to complete. My job was to simply to assign them a 'ticket" of their task via a ticketing system that my department heavily relies on.

The idea of creating and assigning 'tickets' to a different department made no sense on many levels, but he asked me to help out so I obliged.

A week ago, he pulled me over to his desk and admitted that it was silly to have me assign tickets for his department when he could easily do it himself (duh).  I told him it was a redundant step when he first brought it up to me and he agreed. So he said I wouldn't have to assign tickets for the marketing team anymore...which I was relieved about. I washed my hands of the project and returned to just overseeing my departments ticket.

Needless to say when I came in this morning, after an already frustrating start to my morning,  I was surprised and immediately pissed that he sent out an office wide email complaining that his marketing tickets weren't being created and it was unacceptable for things like this to be overlooked.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

The people I work with have a tendency of throwing each other under buses. On a weekly, if not daily basis. After the Patricia debacle, I made a note of being solely responsible for my work to avoid being thrown under buses. I have about 5 specific tasks that I and I alone am in charge and  I make sure that no one else dips their toes in those tasks. The last few months have been better because of this and if I can be honest my departments success is in direct correlation to this. I am certain.

So to walk into this bullshit this morning, over a task that was given to me and then taken away, was beyond infuriating. I responded to the email of course because I am not about playing games, reminding him that he told me not to create his tickets anymore and that i was confused by the tone of his email. Instead of extending a 'oops my bad you're right" he said 'I changed my mind, so forget everything I told you last week and go back to making tickets for my department".

If there was a table nearby, I would have overturned it. If there was a door, I would have kicked it in. I had to step out of the office just so I wouldn't hulk smash everyone to the ground. And even then when I got to the hallway to catch my breath I wanted to smash things.

Today is not my day. It's just not. I seriously, honestly would like to go home now and curl under the covers forever.


Saturday, April 09, 2016

Spring Cleaning.



I want to spend the weekend cleaning my apartment. I know,  I know, how effing lame but it think the actual purging of things (I don't use or wear)  is long overdue.  In jest, I am sort of ready to make space for new things. There's probably a metaphor about life in there somewhere... but seriously I have too much stuff and most of it needs to be thrown away.

I am a person who clings: to things, people, ideas...you name it. I've always been a somewhat clingy person. In the fifth grade my mom bought me a light blue wind jacket that I absolutely adored. I think she bought it for my birthday and I was immediately drawn to the blueness of it. I loved this jacket so much that i wore it everyday and refused to take it off in class.  When the weather warmed up, I still wore that jacket and I remember asked several times to take it off by my teachers who worried.

Eventually I outgrew the jacket, or my mom threw it away...but the fact that I still remember it must say something about my hoarder-ish ways. I cling to things that I find un-spoken value in, and because of this it is super hard for me to let things stuff go. Once again, there is probably some subtext there, but in all honesty it is time for me to let some things go.