Friday, October 12, 2018

Late Bloomer

On Monday I told Vaughn I would be unable to hang out this weekend (I made up a lie about a friend being in town) and naturally he is pissed and upset that I have cancelled our date. I can't catch a break to save my life.

I am not going to lie, when Vaughn initially brought up the idea of hanging out, I was totally game. I thought it could be nice to hang out with someone who has taken an interest in me. I thought it would be super fun to bookshop in the city on the weekend with a possible new friend. And when we discussed grabbing food it seemed only natural that we would try to get as much out of the day as possible (because it's costly to go to the city just for one thing). But the more and more I sat on it the more uncomfortable I became with the situation and because I am a grown ass woman I am allowed to change my mind. Which is what I did.

I don't want to be alone my whole life. I have not dated a lot and honestly I am not interested in joining apps or websites to meet someone. I am just starting to like myself these days and I continue to be very patient and accepting of the woman I am becoming. Honestly, it has taken my 32 years to FINALLY like who I am and to recognize what I want for myself. Sure, I want a partner eventually but that  doesn't mean that I need to take the first dude that shows me a sliver of attention. I am still in a position where I want to find someone who best compliments me.... not who's just available at the moment.

And if I can be honest, I have absolutely no interest in Vaughn even well before our disastrous concert a few weeks ago. He is a nice, intelligent and decent guy. He's attractive in his own right and well kept but that doesn't mean the stars align for us. Why can't a single girl and a single guy cohabiting the same air just be casual acquaintances? Why is it assumed that they should try to partner up because they aren't attached to someone else. It's crazy.

 As a single, childless woman in her 30's I have the feeling single dudes feel entitled to single women (or maybe all dudes feel entitled to single women). That if any man shows an interest in you, you automatically should feel grateful and accept the advances even if you have no interest.I can't tell you the number of times a dude has been nice to me with the expectation that I will go on a date or just hook up with them casually. I can't tell you the number of times I am asked to give up my own wants, needs and desires as soon as a dudes makes his known.

When it comes to Vaughn personally there are just a bunch of no-nos in my book. Outside of me not being physically, mentally or emotionally attracted to him... we aren't even friends. He isn't someone who makes me laugh or who I feel comfortable around. He isn't someone I want to spend time with and get to know. He actually makes me very anxious. During his text messages, I was uncomfortable with the praises he was throwing my way. He thinks I'm incredibly fun and energetic and "extra pretty" (he said this) but that doesn't mean I should want to hang around him because of what he thinks of me. How would he know how fun and amazing I am when our interactions have been slim to none.

I understand that I am at Tim's house almost daily and I am cordial towards his roommates. Yes, we've had moments of civility and laughter but I am only at the house because of Tim. We spend the majority of our time in his room with the door closed and locked so no one bothers us. I only see his roommates if I run into them on my way to the bathroom or kitchen to warm up my tea. I am only ever there to visit Tim. Remove Tim from the equation and our paths would never have crossed. He is not someone I want to pursue knowing outside the confides of my friendship with Tim.

I think I initially agreed to this outing turned date because I was impressed that he apologized for the concert. I appreciated that he reached out to me because he regretted what he said and how he behaved. And even now, I respect that shit out of that but that doesn't mean I owe him anything. Including a casual hangout that was becoming a full fledged date.

Because Tim was ignoring me most of last week I was only able to tell him about Vaughn last Friday. Naturally, instead of being annoyed with his roommate he was dismissive about the situation and asked that I keep him out of it because he didn't want to be in the middle. I asked him if it would make him uncomfortable if I went out of his roommate (for reasons that are so fucking obvious to me) and he said it's just a date and that it didn't bother him.

But it bothers me! I wouldn't want to  go from hanging out with Tim to hanging out with Vaughn.  How the hell would that even work. Would I spend half of my time in a pillow fort with Tim eating pizza and drinking wine and then towards the end of the night I'd just hop into the next room and hang out with Vaughn. Would Vaughn tell Tim about things that we were doing? Would Tim want to know? Would I be the Yoko Ono of the household? Would I be considered a friend hopper? Is Vaughn only settling for me because of unrequited desires for Tim? Why is Tim not more upset that his roommate asked me out? The questions are endless.

Regardless, In this whole scenario my wants and desires were being ignored.  No one seems to care that I have no romantic feelings for Vaughn. Or that I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with Tim.  Vaughn just wants to date me because Tim talks about me constantly and I sound like a catch and  honestly I think Tim doesn't want there to be any tension between his roommates so he wanted me to at least go on one date just to get it over with. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to do any of that.

So I cancelled. I told him I had other plans and couldn't hang out this Saturday. I thanked him for asking me to hangout but told him this probably wasn't the best thing to do. I thought I was being kind in letting him down easy. Instead Tim tells me today that Vaughn is actually  pissed that I cancelled plans and doesn't believe that my friend is coming up this weekend (she isn't but he has no right to question my reason for not wanting to go on a date) and now Tim is annoyed because he thinks I should have just sucked it up and gone on one date. Vaughn said he is going to give up pursuing me (which MEANS HE WAS PURSUING ME) because I am not the girl he thinks I am. Well, duh.

I just need a break from this all. A friend of mine thinks all this recent boy attention has much to do with the fact that I carry myself with confidence these days. Something that no one would have ever said about me a few years ago. Honestly I don't see any of this confidence she speaks of. I'm still anxious and a worry wart and I constantly second guess myself. I'm just older and I refuse to be embarrassed about who I am and what I like and what I want. I also refuse to put myself in a position because it's easy and available.


Post Script: Tim and I are now trying to figure out how we can still watch Game of Thrones over the weekend at his place despite the obvious lie I told. So far we've decided if he puts me in a wig, introduces me as his friend Becca, Vaughn won't have the faintest idea it's really me.

Friday, October 05, 2018

FML Part 5

Just when I thought things were finally returning to normal on the Tim and health front (i've been sick for 7 days) Tim's roommate Vaughn asked me out on a date. You did not read that incorrectly.

Vaughn. Asked. Me. On. A. Date.

Fuck. My Life.

Soon after apologizing for the concert debacle, he wanted to try and hang out again a la a doer from the disaster a few weeks ago. Honestly, I thought this was incredibly sweet and considerate especially since he didn't have to reach out to me but did anyway. Especially after Tim spent a few days completely shutting me out. I was perhaps anxious to feel a connection because I thought i'd lost one forever (it's probably located at the metal pit I witnessed some poor guy get trampled at)

So yes, I was a little hesitant about agreeing to hang out but I figured our plans were super casual so I wouldn't run the risk of crossing any boundaries with Tim. That was until today. Where suddenly the outing seems more like a date than two people meeting at the bookstore to browser for good reads.

If Vaughn was not Tim's roommate, I would perhaps be flattered that he seems to like me and thinks so highly of me (post concert). I would want to maybe even go out and socialize with him just to prove that I could and to have a nice outing. But 1) he's Tim' roommate 2) by roommate I mean they literally live together and see other every day 3) by live together I mean their rooms are also right next to each other and sometimes they hang out and play video games as roommates do.

I wouldn't say they are friends but they are most definitely friendly and  while I initially thought this would be an okay thing to do, I am now trying to backpedaled and get out of this situation. Vaughn has been super flirty via text not in any way that is inappropriate but obviously in a "can't wait til our date way". Naturally I am panicking. P A N I C K I N G because I no longer want to do this.

Despite how tense things have been between Tim and I, he is my friend and I value my time with him immensely. Sure I thought this week was fucked up and I am none to pleased with how much maturing he has to do but how Tim loves always wins over anything else. The last two days he has come around and I think it has a lot to do with me calling him out on his immature response to last week. He is only 26 so I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and up until last week this has been the first real bump in our friendship. So I want to continue communicating with him and evolving as friends.

And dating his roommate or going on a date with his roommate or anyone super close to him would just be WRONG in my book. It would be disrespectful to Tim and our friendship. It would be cruel to Vaughn who I am not really interested in romantically and it would be a waste of my time. On the checklist of "is this a situation you should avoid", the signs point to hell fricking Yes and yet here I am mid blast.

I've definitely decided to cancel before next Saturday but I have to figure out a way to do so that won't make things any weirder than the are. I am trying to come up with a list of excuses that will convey my sincere appreciation while also crushing any hopes for future plans. I understand that I shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place but he caught me off guard and I went straight into people pleasing mode instead of being honest. And honestly he has given me plenty of opportunities to bail and I just didn't take them because I was...flattered that someone wants to go on a date with me. I really need to get my self esteem in check. It's just embarrassing really.

Needless to say this week has ended on a complete and utter bad note.

Wednesday, October 03, 2018

Insert Resting Bitch Face

beckett [10:56 AM]
also, not to be that person but things have felt a little less be and te between us. obviously we are co-workers so i recognize that work is work and I  wouldn't bring anything up here that would make it less comfortable (plus i'm honestly just too old not to be transparent and honest). but i just wanted to let you know that it just feels like something's up or different between us and i don't totally understand or get it but i want to respect your space. i think we are friends and hopefully if there was something amiss or i've upset you (vice versa) i'd hope that you'd let me know so we can just resolve and move on. everyone deals with shit at their own pace of course, so i'm going to let you be because i'm Mr. Feeny and life has taught me a lot of lessons and one of them is not to kick a hornets nest but if something is bothering you and you want to talk i'm here. if you tell me everything is fine and i'm just exaggerating i'll believe you but i just wanted to let you know it feels different and i just want to make sure you are okay. end speech /

Tim B [10:59 AM]
Typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing

(I just wanted you to see that I was "typing" for a really long time to psych you out)
I thought everything was fine lol

Tuesday, October 02, 2018

There is No One Like You

Since I was little my mom  has always told me that there is "no one like me" during various moments in my life. Of course being my mom and all I thought this was just something any mother would say to their child. I mean who would want to admit that their child is just like everyone else. Even if it is true. But, I honestly think from the moment I was born my mom was convinced I was the most unique individual she had ever known and because of her love she has always made me feel as such.

In the 4th grade she was called into a parent teach conference during the middle of the school year. Compared to my brother, who was always  in trouble and spent most of his time in detention, I was a shy and quiet kid. I had friends but rarely spoke in class. I was studious but also super lazy at times. When she was asked to come in for a parent teacher conference she was concerned that I was falling behind in some area. I never complained about school but obviously when I came home one day with a request from my teacher for a one on one meeting my mom was anxious.

During the meeting a few days later my teacher wanted to talk about a story I had written. My moms eyes were the hugest I have ever seen them. She turned to me suddenly and I saw how petrified she was. She didn't know I was writing anything outside of homework. She couldn't possibly fathom what I had written that would cause my teacher to ask for a meeting. Eventually my teacher retrieved the 10 page fairy-tale I wrote for a project and she just wanted to express how extraordinary it was. She said (and I quote because my mom tells this damn story over and over again) "this was quite the emotional read. I honestly sat by my fireplace and re-read the story for hours. It is extraordinary. Your daughter has an a warmth with words"

We were both shocked by this admission and as we were leaving, my mom didn't say much of anything. I thought she was upset or worse embarrassed to have been dragged to my school so my teacher could gush about a story that moved her. I story I wrote in the 4th grade. Instead as she settled me into the car, she touched my head and said "there is no one like you. remember that" and then she made me chicken Parmesan for dinner and called my grandmother that night to re-tell the story.

I obviously do not think I am an extraordinary or unique but this has never stopped my mom from telling me so. Like when I decided to master the macarena and performed it wherever/whenever (there is no on like you) or when I decided me and my brother we going to make a comic strip called "Super Bird" to sell to newspaper (there is no one like you). Or that one time I decided that I was actually Australian and talked for an accent for two weeks (there is no one like you). She'd always say these words with a smile on her face and for some reason it always reassured me that I was gift even if just to her.

Even in high school when I felt ugly and was overweight and self conscious with an embarrassing haircut and questionable hygiene routine my mom always gently reminded me that "no one is like you". No one and that I was worthy of love and respect from anyone who came in contract with me.

So when I called her last night to complain that I had possibly lost a person I thought was a good friend over a stupid metal concert that I didn't even want to go to she listened, gave advice but finally said "there is no one like you Beckett. No one and if Tim decides he doesn't want to be friends with you because of a concert...then it's his loss of an incredible human being. Not yours" and then she re-told the memory about the story I wrote in the 4th grade before we both erupted in laughter (honestly she tells this story monthly).

I thought letting Tim chill on the weekend would be enough time for him to see how silly and unfair he is being. It helped that I actually had plans that did not involve him, so I busy in my own right and did not feel the need to reach out or touch base with him especially after Friday (he came into work and ignored me the whole day. it was rough). But of course, Tim came into work yesterday and continued to ignore me like I murdered one of my his favorite metal singers. I was stung by this slight and spent most of the morning trying to conceptualize what could possibly have made him mad

1) he's mad that i didn't make a better effort to enjoy the metal show.
2) he thinks I was rude to his friends by not agreeing to go grab drinks afterwards
3) he is upset that my short stature will make it impossible for me to ever stand front and center at a concert (long shot. but i don't know at this point)
4) he is upset that I cancelled on the second concert
5) he is upset that I expressed my discomfort at the 1st concert and he is not emotionally mature to take ownership of his actions that night so we can move on.

Clearly, i'm leaning towards 5 and honestly if that is why he is mad than  that is a shitty reason. We are allowed not to like the same thing. I am allowed to voice when I am hurt or disappointed. As friends we should be able to openly resolve disagreements instead of letting it simmer. We are better than this or at least I thought we were. At this point I am more upset about his reaction post concert than I was at the concert. I was able to handle getting almost kicked in the face more than I can him going out of his way to ignore me.

I attempted to reach out yesterday because I was getting pretty annoyed with the silent treatment. After lunch, I made a point of asking him how his weekend was. His reply but was very short and concise with his answers. At the end of the day, after a few awkward exchanges he left without saying goodbye. All I could do on the ride home was laugh because I honestly can't fathom a friendship would burn in flames because of a concert!

IN AN INTERESTING TURN ON EVENTS tim's roommate Vaughn texted me a few days ago to apologize for our concert outing. I was so shocked when he reached out to me. I have actively avoided him since that night and made comments to Tim that I don't particularly want to hang out with him as much as I did before. I doubt that Tim said anything to him but he must have noticed my absence so he reached out to me. He wanted to apologize for being weird at the concert. He was just nervous that it was our first time hanging out without Tim and  he regrets saying what he did. He wanted to let me know that he really does enjoy having me over the house and that he hopes in the future we can attempt to socialize again in a situation that will make us both comfortable.

I can't tell you how relieved this text exchange made me. Obviously, I recognized how awful that outing was but it was mind blowing to have him recognize it as well and take responsibility for his part. I of course took ownership as well of how standoffish I was. I expressed my regret that the night didn't turn out as either of us expected but that I appreciated him reaching out to me. He didn't have to but he did because I have made some impression on him. He recognizes that he'd rather mend fences than not talk and there is something so mature in that approach.

So if Vaughn, socially awkward roommate that I've only hung out with a handful of times, can apologize and try to make amends with me why can't Tim. Why isn't he taking any sort of responsibility for how awful Tuesday was. Why I am, again, feeling like I've done something wrong. Why am I the one reaching out and trying to communicate like an adult. It's fucking insane really.

Today he seems in a better mood. There has been some interaction and acknowledgement of my existence but he doesn't want me to come over for happy hour and doesn't thin k he'll be able to make it to the pizza festival we planned on hitting up Saturday. I am crushed and gutted and honestly pissed that our friendship means so little to him that a metal concert can create a cloud over the incredible times we've had.

And surprisingly the only thing keeping me from completely crying at my desk or sulking at home are my moms words: "there is no one like you" and his loss is his and his alone.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Cancelled Plans

beckett [12:47 PM]

I think imma sit this show out. don't be mad. but the more and more i think about it, i just don't think this is for me. You seem to have a certain way you attend concerts which is dope but if it's just going to be like Tuesday then I've hit my limit of what is comfortable and fun and what is so outside of my comfort level

like i am PANICKING

and that has nothing to do with you  personally btw. I just didn't have fun at all on Tuesday and it's starting to sound like I am not going to have fun tonight. i know you called Tuesday a win-win but it wasn't on my end. i was just panicked.

it's just i sort of felt alone at the concert Tuesday. like you were in your concert zone with your friends and I was just your annoying work friend.

it was kind of a terrible feeling and based on what you have told me I can't imagine putting myself through that situation again.

so i need you to give me an out on this as my friend timothy and I need you to understand where I am coming from.

Tim B [12:53 PM]

I don't understand where you or this is coming from but it is what it is.

I like particularly aggressive experiences and you don't.

No fault in that

I guess I'll see you tomorrow


Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Storm Out

When I look back at this photo, I hope I remember that awful feeling of being at the wrong place with the wrong people on the wrong night because I was trying to fit in. I hope I remember that I should listen to my gut instincts more often. Especially when she is telling me to "Storm Out"

 I come from a family who looks for signs in the universe daily. Growing up if my mom encountered a  series of minor mishaps in a allotted time span, she would cancel the day. Literally. If she woke up on the wrong side of the bed, tripped on her way to the shower, burned the bacon on the stove and forgot where she put her keys she would take this as literal signs that today was not going to be her day. So she'd cancel it. She would quickly forgo all plans and decide that we were staying home because "the signs are telling me not to tempt my luck"

Naturally I have grown into an adult who constantly looks for the signs as well. I will abandon plans, call out of work and hibernate in my home if my day doesn't start okay. And honestly while this sounds like a little paranoia, I know that this quirk has kept me safe. Just two days ago, I was driving home and there were a few tell-tale signs that I shouldn't take my usual route. Combined with the signs, there was just this gut feeling that I had to turn around because "something wasn't right". I could hear my mother consciously telling me to "pay attention to what the universe is telling you". So I turned around, took a longer route home. On the way the sky opens up and suddenly there is downpour and terrible winds. So much so that a tree limb falls and blocks a main road that I usually take home.

The signs are real ya'll.

I should have listened to the universe last night when she was telling me to bail on a concert Tim wanted me to attend. I should have listened. I am starting to think concerts may not be my thing. I have gone to two in the past two weeks and both have been disastrous. And honestly I don't know why this fact surprises me. I am a shy person who doesn't find any enjoyment in large crowds. I LOVE music don't get me wrong but I would feel more comfortable seeing a concert where I got to sit and lounge with my friends as music fills the air. Tim does not like these types of concerts.

After our splendid weekend at the Renn Faire, I was hoping we'd continue this friendship high by going to see a band Tim has been hyping up for months. Tim is into Metal (so much so that I have to capitalize it) and has been trying to get me into the genre since i've known him. Honestly, his interest in Metal was why i assumed he was a heterosexual bro. I know this is a huge stereotype and I apologize for anyone I offend with that statement. But when I first met Tim and he told me that he loves metal and head banging and joining mosh pits, I immediately assigned those attributes to a straight male. Clearly I was wrong. This boy loves metal and leather and men. He has taught me that the Metal community is actually very welcoming and one of the singers from his favorite band is a member of the LGBTQ community. 

Naturally, as his friend I wanted to learn everything about his Metal passion. He'd send me songs and provide Metal facts (like a Q&A session) and he taught me how to correctly throw Metal horns with my hands. He'd quiz me about the knowledge he was dropping and was impressed by how quickly I caught on.  But while I can appreciate a song here or there, I have not been bitten by the Metal bug and I don't think I ever will be. I like my music a little quieter and introspective or at it's worst pop trash and dancy. Metal so far comes across as too loud and aggressive and outside of being dope exercise music, I am rarely in a mood which calls for Metal.

Regardless, I told him I'd go to  TWO concerts because he agreed to go to the Renn Faire with me. Honestly looking back on this wager, it was not a fair trade. Tim has wanted to go to the Renn Faire for some time but didn't have anyone to go with him in the past. So when I told him I would go to two concerts if he would go to the Renn Faire, he smirked and said "I would go even if you didn't go to the concert" And of course he absolutely loved everything about the Faire. We were both in our elements at that event. There was stuff for him to do (be on stage, drinking, eating and socializing) and things for me to do (nature walking, shopping, games and theater/arts). It was just a perfect fucking day and a perfect fucking mesh of our different interest.

The Metal concert on the other hand was SO OUTSIDE my comfort zone. I keep having to remind Tim that despite how charming and fun and excitable I am around him, I am an incredibly anxious and introverted person. He jokes that i'm actually an Extrovert who requires personal time because of how well I have been able to function in all the things he drags me to (outside of last night. shit was a disaster) but only because he doesn't truly understand the weight of my anxiety. These last few months, I have done so much outside of my comfort zone to make him happy. I recognize this is a red flag that I am doing too much to please someone I love but old habits are hard to get rid of. I also have not set up clear boundaries between him and I, which i need to do to strike a healthy balance in our friendship.

INSTEAD I readily agreed to go to two concerts in the span of 2 days because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. To say I was uncomfortable the whole night would be an understatement. I was not and will never be at my element at a Metal show. Evident by how stinking awful last night was. I arrived by myself after work because Tim and his other friends were going to eat first and then meet me at the venue. This part was sort of my idea. His friend for MA was coming down to see the show with him and because I see Tim all the damn time, I didn't want him to feel responsible for me. I'm a big girl.I know the city pretty well.  I take up a huge chunk of his time and wanted him to enjoy the moment with his other friends who came all the way to see him and this band.

However, I guess I wasn't okay with being completely ignored and pretty much abandoned the whole night. I arrived to the city two hours early because Tim and his friends were running late. We were supposed to meet at the Venue around 6, so I spent two hours hitting up my favorite little area in the city where I could browse books and nerdy memorabilia. During this time Tim didn't really text me at all to let me know when he planned on showing up or where I should meet them. There was complete dead silence from him so I eventually decided to head to the venue, hoping i'd stumble into them on the way. Around 615 he finally texts me to let me know he and his friends are in a bar near the venue. At this point, I have already stepped into a long line for the concert. He wants me to leave the line, walk 4 blocks in the opposite direction so I can join them. I do not want to do this.

So i tell him to meet me at the venue. When the doors open we can just converge at the front of the stage per our initial plans. He does not like this plan. His friends want to buy shirts first and he thinks I should join them there. But i refuse to leave the line. At this point, I have shown up to the concert by myself, had a few hours in the city by myself and feel like I am just a friend who is attending the same concert but not in the same friend group as him. We are literally on two different wavelengths the remainder of the night. So we remain separated during this hour long battle between waiting in line or not waiting.

Eventually, the doors open (an hour late) but now  my feet hurt, I am cranky and annoyed and I am by all accounts attending the concert alone because Tim and his Friends are stuck in the back of the line that has wrapped around the corner. Because of my experience at the previous venue, I make a beeline for the first open spot at the gate which thankfully is nestled in the corner near security. I am quite pleased with myself for nabbing this spot. An equally short girl and her burly boyfriend move next to me, and these tall group of girls fill the space behind me. I am in the safest spot I can be. I feel surrounded by metal angels who literally make a little barrier around me. These strangers linked arms to form a circle around me so I wouldn't get trampled when the music began. It was a gorgeous moment for humanity and I thanked them all.

When Tim comes in he screams my name and I turn to see him through the crowd wearing face paint and a batman onesie. I shit you not. He waves me over to his group of friends, who are standing in the dead center of the venue a few people behind the gate. When I make my way over to him,  It's an awful spot for obvious reasons. They are standing behind 6 or 7 people all much taller than me. They are also standing in the center of this huge venue where I only imagined chaos would ensue. When I finally approach Tim he is impatient and snippy with me in our brief exchange. I don't know if he's annoyed that I didn't wait with them in line or meet with them at the bar first but he looks annoyed. I can see it in his heavily painted face. I introduce myself briefly to his friends as Tim is taking off his shirt to put on the one he waited in line to buy. He is distracted and not interested when I tell him about my safe corner and the nice people who have created a barrier for me.

After I tell him again about the nice corner I found, He says he is not going to stand there. He goes to shows to be front and center and THIS is front and center. I am pained by this comment and the tone of his voice and how brushed off I feel. Concert Tim is so different than work Tim and GoT Tim and Pillow Fort Tim and Crying Tim and Ren Faire Tim and Pizza & Wine Tim. This Tim has so much pent up energy the moment the music begins, I know it is going to awaken from the depths of his soul. He looks at me as if he doesn't recognize me and I shoot him the same look because I don't like this version of him.

 I tell him I am going to go back to the corner to watch the show because I think it's the safest spot for me seeing my very small stature (google Quinta B. me. this girl are the same height and look very similar if you need a point of reference). He is visibly upset that I "want to spend the show alone" but doesn't really provide any sort of assurances that I will be okay where I am.  "Do whatever you want to do!" he eventually yells over the venue music waving me away and turning back to his friend. I am a little stunned when he does this and I cant hide how hurt I am as  I re-enter my safe corner with strangers whose arms immediately link around me even though the damage is done.

The show itself was a complete and utter shit show (which was to be expected) outside of my sour interaction with Tim. The crowd was rowdy and drunk, there was a lot of moshing and tens of people crowd surfing throughout the 3 hour show. I would look over occasionally to see if I could see Tim and his friends but the area they were standing was a complete and utter mess of moshing, headbanging and flailing limbs. I know immediately after the 15th crowd surfer that I have made the right decision. There was no way I could have survived that unscathed.  The people around me though were incredibly protective the whole night and I wish in many ways this could have been Tim and his friend group. At one point, the girls boyfriend places himself between us and the mosh pit that is pushing toward the gate. When I say this man took on the full weight of 30 or more dancers slamming against each other, I mean it. He was like a hero. His gf turned to me periodically to ask I was okay and warned me to duck when an elbow or fist was coming my way. It was incredible.

Why couldn't this has been Tim and his friends? Sure, I didn't want or need to be pampered the whole night by Tim but I guess I was a little upset that for all the inclusiveness Tim talks about he was pretty standoffish and unwillingly to adapt his concert experience just a little bit to accommodate my first time. I honestly didn't mind that he was front and center where he wanted to be, I really did enjoy my corner A LOT. But during a break in the show where the crowd could fill up on more alcohol or go to the rest room, Tim did not take this opportunity to check up on me at all. Not to see if I was okay, alive or even safe. If he would have pushed his way over to my corner just to say hi and see how I was doing, it would have made a huge difference.

Sure he didn't have to do any of this but it would have been nice if he did. Especially since I was only there because he asked me to go. He knew that I was nervous, he knew that this was far outside my realm of comfortable and here I was sucking it up and putting on a brave (non painted face) because I wanted to make him happy and he couldn't even adapt a little so I didn't feel so alone.

The "intermission" lasted about 15 minutes and as soon as the band came back for their final songs the crowd was at peak CRAZY to the point where even my protective area was being encroached on. Someone kicked the guy next to me in the face which was a) traumatic to watch in real time and b) made the circle less protective cause we were now minus a strong person (i say person cause HOLY SHIT, the women at this show were incredible). At one point, we hear a huge gasp behind us as legs start heading in our direction. Another crowd surfer has decided to float through but the crowd is struggling to hold him up because everyone is exhausted by this point. Luckily before he comes crashing down in front of me or on-top of me, a security guard leaps out of the air and grabs this guy flinging him over my head and onto the floor in front of the band. It was incredible.

I nearly cried tears of joy when the band announced this would be there last song and as the music wrapped up and my new concert friends wished me well, I stumbled out of my corner into a sea of discarded water bottles and deflated beach balls. Tim finally remembered I was there and comes running at me full speed to scream "WASN"T THAT FUCKING AWESOME". It was not awesome replies the narrator in my head and I smile weakly at him as I try to get my barrings and figure out how to get the hell out of there. Tim starts pulling me towards his friends but is suddenly distracted by one of the band-mates throwing picks into the crowd so he damn near pushes me away to regroup with them. I take this opportunity to head outside where the fresh air smacks me in the face.

Tim wanted to go to a bar afterwards to commemorate the show but at this point I can only think about how badly I want to go home and have a cry. I wait around for a good 10 minutes outside wanting to say goodbye to everyone that I briefly met but the concert venue continues to empty with Tim and his friends no where in sight. It's almost midnight and I want to catch the second to last train home, so I make the decision to just leave. I arrived alone, I'll leave alone, it wasn't like this was our outing anymore based on how he put me out of sight out of  mind the whole night.

 As I am a few blocks down Tim FINALLY texts me to ask where I went. I tell him I sort of followed the crowd and am heading home but that I hope he has a good night. He sends a flurry of texts asking me to come back because everyone is going to the bar and the night is still young and that I can't leave because it wasn't the plan. But I also didn't plan on going to see a band by myself that i've only recently heard of while trying not to get kicked in the face. Plans can change.

Because I am only about 5 minutes away from the venue, I decide to turn back against my better judgement. I am afraid that he is going to be mad at me. I am afraid that I have ruined his night some how. I am afraid that I will lose him as a friend so I continue to do things so outside of my comfort zone to convince him I am worthy. I initially agreed to go because I want to appease him. So I consent and relent all of my agency because I want to be devoted even if there is no payoff.

 But this isn't fair to me. I continue to give and give and give in areas where Tim does not or cannot  or rather where he fails to see the amount of effort it takes for me to "perform". It can sometimes be the Tim show or no show and if i doesn't go according to his plan everything is ruined. So even though I am walking back to the venue, I have already made up my mind. I will look for a sign. At the corner, if I see him as he says I will, then I will make an effort and push myself to please a boy who is very hard to please. But if I don't, i'll turn back and I'll walk the 20 or so blocks to Grand Central and take myself home.

When I round the corner, Tim texts that he is standing right in front of the doors. But I am right in front of the doors and he is not there. There are a lot of people but I don't see him. I am standing where he says he is standing and yet he isn't there. So I turn around and head home because it's the only sign I needed. He calls me a few times on my way to Grand Central but my phone is at 4% and there is no where to charge it. I quickly text him that I am heading home but that I hope he has fun at the bar with his friends (I was sincere in this sentiment) and then I cried all the way to the train, on the way home, on the walk home and in my bed. He hasn't texted or called since.

 I know he is biting his nails and re-assessing everything about me right now.There is an awful pit in my stomach that I have ruined things between us but at the same time I am allowed to be frustrated and angry as well. I am allowed to make boundaries and tell someone how I feel even if it means they will be disappointed in me. I am allowed to ask for what I in-turn give to my friends and family. This should not be a negotiable up for debate scenario.

I am supposed to attend the second concert tomorrow night and I am not sure if I should try with all my might to bail which would ultimately cause Tim to react poorly OR attend and put myself through another tortuous concert cause my dumb ass was too nice to say no to the initial invite. Either way I am screwed and while I was able to recuperate today from last nights festivities, I am not sure I want to put myself through another awkward concert situation.

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Better Days

I rarely take photos of people. I rarely take photos of myself (outside of a selfie here and there when the light hits my face right). Instead I like taking pictures of things and places because they are just easier to capture.But yesterday I drunkenly took this picture of Tim and I at the New York Renaissance Faire and I think it is the best picture in the whole entire world.

It is us and our friendship in a nutshell. Perhaps it the way my cup if filling over because he kept bumping into it.Or maybe it's the way his finger is resting on mine. There is so much sincerity and comfort in how our fingers are almost interlocked. As a nail bitter he rarely lets me touch or even look at his hands and for a brief moment there was this moment of touching that is barely touching.

Perhaps it's the obvious differences in our skin tones. How each tone catches the light a little different but still shines through. I'm not sure what it is about this picture that I love so much. But when I woke up this morning with a massive hangover and scrolled through the images from yesterday, this one stood out.

I wish there was a way to put in words how absolutely fantastic yesterday was. I only hope that this picture will continue to remind me when words fail.