Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween.



Happy Halloween! I plan on spending the bulk of Halloween at home watching horror movies and eating pizza. Kat and I planned to go to the city to attend the parade but I sort of chickened out last minute. Because Halloween in on a Friday this year I can't imagine being in the city with barely dressed men and women until 2 in the morning. I am simply not about that life.

Recently I got furniture for my apartment: a couch. some end tables. and a tv stand. and my 'home' is becoming the comfy place of my dreams. While i could go to a Halloween party tonight or attend a 12 hour horror movie marathon at the indie theater near house...this year I kind of prefer to celebrate the Halloween as I used to:  alone with my movies and at home.

The last few weeks have been physically and emotionally exhausting. Don't get me wrong I've had fun in between but i am looking forward to the next few days of rain and home life.

I hope everyone has a delightful and fright-free Halloween.  

Friday, October 17, 2014

Never Gonna Change

I expect to get some very heated opinions about the questions I am about to pose...but I need advice. Actual, serious, taken out of context, life advice. And though I have gotten plenty of it on the subject ... I guess I just need one final one. And i don't know, I could use perspectives outside of my own or my moms or Kat's. I could use advice from everyone who has knows the emotional context rather than the physical one. I need advice and I don't know who else to go to or if there is any one I can go to who would understand better than you.

No matter how much I claim to be an pessimist, I will always have this thought/assumption/desire/hope that people can change. I will. I do. Despite everything life has shown me I am unable to shake this assumption. I know this because I have changed. I find myself changing constantly and for the better i hope. I am not who I was when I moved here 6 years ago. The girl I knew before Marie died and the girl I am today are different. I am more assertive and take more risks. I am a little jaded and distant. I crave experiences...I welcome change.

What I will never know is if these changes are a result of grief or a result of getting older. I feel they will forever be intertwined. I miss Marie everyday, I miss the girl i was when she was alive. But i admit that I knew the exact moment when i began changing and adapting to to life without her. It was a swift decision as not to drown in my grief. I wanted to distance myself from it and it became easy to do when I distance myself from the girl i was when she was here.

I know about change. I am not an expertise in it but i am definitely a product of it. So I know that people are capable of change; good or bad. They are capable. I know this much to be true. I deal with it every day.

Because this belief is such a core part of me...I am conflicted about Sean's desire to re-establish communication all of a sudden (do not make that face, lol, what else did you think i was going to discuss). Worst, because it is under the pretense that he is 'a changed man' his words not mine.

 Let me sum up the last few weeks: Sean contacted on FB because he finally received my birthday card. After ignoring his repeated messages for a week I curtly replied: glad you got your card. take care. He said he was going to send me a long email the following weekend to, idk, thank me or talk.

I of course held some hope his email would say something like: i'm a stupid motherfucker who doesn't deserve to know you but I am reaching out because  you were the best person I have ever known and I fucked up royally. I know this does not change anything but i will spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't treat you as well as you treated me.

Or something like that. Just saying. A girl can dream.

Of course his email, like him, was underwhelming. He spent the bulk of it talking about himself and life at sea. He brought up things from the past that I once found funny. He mentioned some things that I posted on fb and concluded the email with this:


I hope that we’ll talk more as time goes by. I will always respond to anything you send me, and I will also take the initiative and write you as often as I can. Take care and enjoy life. It passes by so quickly and yet also at a snail’s pace. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you in January, Beckett.

Love,

Sean

Don't even get me started on how cliche and grandiose it all sounds. I am fully aware. I wasn't going to write him back but after talking to Heather, one of my more practical friends, i decided responding back firmly might be better than ignoring him. I spent a few days penning the email and my words. I talked little of my life. Told him a lot has changed and concluded with this gem:


..you didn't have time for me in your life or more importantly to be apart of mine. That is why I've been hesitant about this recent communication. I have made space and time for those who can offer it back. I want you to know that I am not about bullshit or dishonesty these days. I have no patience for disrespect or disregard.  I have cut people and things out of my life that cannot support my desire to be happy or to offer it in return. I am safeguarding my happiness with barbed wire and I don’t want to waste either of our time if it’s something we can’t offer each other. I will never be ready to share my experiences and growth and life and stories with you as my friend if it is something you can‘t offer back. This is something that is not negotiable in my life.

Take Care,

Beckett

His response...


I want you to know that I am not ignoring the more serious points of your email, Becks. I read everything, and how I respond is thusly: I will write to you as often as I receive word from you, and I am sorry for the negative aspects of 'radio silence' thus far. I leave the rest up to you.

Not everything with me and you has to be a negotiation, but I’m glad you still keep it real. Stay comfy and cozy and enjoy your life. Also make room for jars of sand and rocks, if you still want sand and rocks.

Take care,

Sean


That was 12 days ago. I have not responded in 12 days. My relationship with Sean often feels like we are playing a game of Chess but neither of us are very good at it. The only thing we excel at is the part where we wait patiently for the other person to make a move (however poor that move is) and now it is my turn.

Right off the back, I am offended by how contradictory he sounds: i'll take initiative only if you give me permission. I am sorry for the radio silence but how and if we talk is up to you. And most importantly...the assumption that I want to see him or his stupid sand/rocks in January. Where the hell get that idea from.

In the few and limited communication we have had I get this impression that he is trying to convince me he is new and improved. That three months at sea has reduced him to a full fledged, respectable human being. That whoever he was, he isn't now and I should be open to this new and improved version of Sean; Sean 2.0  

But this is where the advice giving part comes in. Because while the big rational part of me is saying "Sean is full of shit" and I need to eliminate him from my life the other part of me knows that people are capable of change. I know this. I have seen it. But when it comes to this boy at this particular time in my life, it is not something i can believe or accept as fact.

In my heart I do not believe he is capable of being a good person or man. I am not swayed by whatever has transpired at Sea. I imagine that he is lonely and bored which makes him desperate for attention and affirmation. I know on a ship full of sailors much younger and/or much older than him that he is alone. He is without people telling him how great and awesome and funny he is. Even if they are lying.

But is this just jaded Beckett talking? Is this the girl who did not get picked, talking? Without invalidating all the fucked up shit he has done is there no question in anyone's mind, including my own that Sean is always going to be...you know, Sean. A person with questionable morals. A cheater. A liar. A Manipulator. A fucking psycho. Because this is who I know. This is who, in my mind he is always going to be. And while I know I can be a hard ass. While I know that I am not always so forgiving of those who fault me, I have given Sean more than enough opportunities to be a better person. Because maybe that is what (good) change is about; not being new but being a better version of yourself.

So maybe the question I am asking myself (and you) is...has Sean changed? Can he 'be better' And if so, does it matter? Does it matter?

I am 95% sure that the answer is no. Sean hasn't changed. Sean will never change. And unfortunately his best self is a let down. Always a let down. He is a person capable of hurting someone he claims to love. He is above all a liar to others and himself.

I struggle every day to realize that I deserve more. I obviously have self worth/esteem issues and have equated the many losses of my life as failures to sustain relationships. The hardest thing i have learned so far is that love is not enough. It doesn't make people stay. It doesn't save lives. It doesn't make you the victor in loving someone. It is great and all encompassing. It is a pleasure to give and receive but it is not enough. Not all the time.

 And i have often thought this means that I am not enough. That I am not deserving of this great elusive happiness. Have no fear I am slowly working my way out of this black and white thinking. I have to tell that nagging voice to quiet and let me breathe. And i do not believe now that Sean could offer that to me-happiness. I did once, not too very long ago, because i didn't know any better but I know better now.  My relationship with Sean was personified by that personal fear. He gave me the attention and surface affection I have never felt like I deserved and though it fed his ego it also. more aptly, satisfied my loneliness.

 Because I was lonely. I am sometimes more alone than I like to admit. I worry about this sometimes. And I just want to make sure this doesn't influence what Sean is trying to sell. Because even when I entertain the other 5% of Sean's proposal. Auto Sean. 2.0 Sean. Captain New... I open myself to disappointment. From himself and from me. 


I definitely could use some sage advice right about now. I know, i've heard it all before but I would like to know what someone would do if they were in my shoes. I get the sense that many have been in similar situation and they've survived it well enough. I'd like to believe I will too even though right now I feel a little beat up and worn down

Friday, October 03, 2014

Yesterday I bought a crock pot! A crock pot ya'll! And I am over the moon excited about my foray into cooking. Or at least crock pot cooking. I am trying to keep things in my life positive and care-free despite the recent communication from asshat. If i busy myself enough then maybe activity and will alone drive him from my thoughts and life. I'm not saying it is going to work. He sent me a long email detailing his life at sea. It was not poignant and sure as hell did not possess anything i was open to entertaining (an apology perhaps. some things you never stop wanting from people).

The email caused anxiety and the anxiety led to sleepless nights and bad dreams. The dream that sticks with me the most is of us sitting on a boardwalk cuddling and making promises. He tells me he has good news: that he is getting married soon and they are moving to Florida but he wants me to move in with them. He tries to sell me the absurdity of the situation. A mini sister wives thing that she has no clue she is embarking on. Of course I am livid that he would even bring it up. There is screaming and shouting and threats. We end up back at our hotel and he threatens to kill me for making such a big deal out of everything.

And then i wake up.

Obviously my dreams are trying to tell me something. So/But instead of focusing on the email, if or when i will respond back, and the complete and utter shit of an asshat that boy is... I bought a crock pot and am planning an exceptional weekend of food (spaghetti and meatballs), wine (by wine i mean angry orchard beer) and entertainment (Gilmore Girls is on Netflix. All 7 Seasons. What else am i expected to watch).

I am adjusting to the new place pretty well. I loathe traveling, which i now have to do five days a week, but everything about my new place and town is perfect. I don't have any furniture outside of my twin mattress, a desk and a chair for one, so the space is pretty empty. If all works out, I can buy a futon next week and maybe a TV stand (for the TV that is currently sitting on the shitty desk I built all by myself).

When i was a kid my art teacher always told us to fill the blank space of our canvas with as much color as possible (to each their own i guess) and as a studios kid I was always afraid of leaving any amount of white showing. In a way, I follow this 'creative' advice today when it comes to decorating. I don't love clutter but i do like things to look full. Things that look full remind me of warmth and warmth reminds me of home. I want this place to be home to me.

And a huge part of this place being home to me is being able to cook. So yesterday Heather, who really has stepped up the last few weeks in the friend department, and I went grocery shopping and then to Bed, Bath and Beyond where we both purchased crock-pots. She recently moved in with her boyfriend, who i swear she hates but whatever, and is adjusting as well to being an 'adult' as well. We are both struggling to manage food expenses. I am use to eating out all the time because my mini-fridge could only hold so many things for so long. She lived with her mom and sister and was use to food always being in the house.

Of course now that we both live on our own the food thing has been our biggest hurdle. So we planned our first big supermarket trip yesterday equipped with coupons and a few hours to spare. I bought all kinds of good stuff and saved money though I did splurge on buying oatmeal raisin cookies. Don't judge...they are delicious. Afterwards we swung by BB&B where we purchased our crock pots.

The last few weeks have been pretty rough and I am looking forward to a relaxed weekend at home.  Next week i am attending NYCC for the second year in a row, followed by a tattoo convention the following week, followed by a birthday/Halloween party, followed by the Halloween parade in the city with Kat. So this weekend will be the last one for a few weeks where i just get to enjoy some me time in my new home.

Anway, time to get back to work. I am counting down the hours until i can go home.


Monday, September 29, 2014

This Motherf*cker


Words cannot even express how annoyed and angry I am right now.

I'll just let this sit here for awhile.

Fucking idiot.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Earlier this week Sean sent me a fb message which i have yet and probably will not respond to.

 He received the birthday card and letter I sent and wanted to thank me. He's so happy I thought of him. He can't believe it took two months to reach him. He wants to email me immediately and i don't know, thank me some more or tell me me about his life

Of all the weeks for this damn letter to come back and bite me in the ass this is not the week. So much is happening in my life right now. So many  things are changing. I am changing. And the one person who has the ability to halt change is Sean.

I am settling into my adorable apartment quite well. My mom bought me a crock-pot which i am googling recipes for as i type. I quit Barnes and Noble. I have a new crush on a boy with a lame tattoo. I have longer hair. I am no where near happy but damnit if i am not excited about the changes in my life. I have been sick this week so I took today off to drink tea and eat soup and read Harry Potter. Without furniture the studio is spacious and i danced and lounged while it rained outside.

Today I was happy. My life is simple and small but it makes me happy.

And then Sean sent me a message and any of the comfort i have felt these last few weeks were obliterated. I am not going to lie there isn't a day where Sean doesn't cross my thoughts  I think of what i wanted. What i expected from him and what i ultimately did not get. I replay our relationship over and over again. Sometimes from the beginning but mainly from where we left it off: i tell him i can't be in his life anymore the way he wants me too. He responds "i got you sand from another country". There has been radio silence since July.

Sending him a birthday card and letter was probably a mistake. But I couldn't help myself. For someone who has treated me like i wasn't worthy of his time I wanted to do something nice. I wanted him to know that I still cared and remembered his birthday. And the letter i wrote was sincere and kind and heartfelt. I wished him a happy birthday. I wished him well on the high seas. I told him i wished we were more honest with one another because when we were it made me happy.

I gave him more than he ever deserved and i don't think he'll understand how much of a toll that took on me. There is nothing worse than giving your best and someone still telling you that it isn't enough. So while a part of me has been waiting and wanting for Sean to establish contact the other part is tired of being the girl who waits. Not romantically for Sean to get his shit together but emotionally and mentally as a human being.

 I am not ready to talk to Sean. I may never be ready to talk to Sean. He is still the same person who told me that I was nothing in compared to his great and amazing girlfriend. At this precise moment as i waver between responding back or just ignoring him, I can only surmise that nothing good will come of it. I worry that he is a jinx. That things have been going so well because i haven't looked back. And i fear that if i do, if i respond to Sean, if i open up the channel of communication that all of my progress these last few months will be as wasteful as his promises.

And truth if it is my happiness or his on the line, mine is more important and more valuable.


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Moving On

The amount of changes that have occurred in the last 3 weeks are astounding and if ever is the time to be take note of the signs the universe is throwing my way...now is it.

I moved into my new place last Wednesday and outside of commuting, which i fucking loathe :as a person who is perpetually on time, I cannot understand why trains and buses aren't on time. Okay, i can give some leeway for buses; but traiiiiiins?! come on, i absolutely adore the new place. It's the size of a studio apartment sans the kitchen. I have a actual refrigerator and cabinet to store food. There is a built in bookshelf and a reading nook. I  have alcove ceilings and in the morning there is so much light that comes in through my five windows! five! I am in love with my new home. I have a home.

Combined with my new home (a huge big change), I finally put in my two weeks notice at Barnes and Noble last night. Now that I no longer work there i can retire the Le Sad Store title. I've gone back and forth on this decision for months. The extra money is nice, I like working around books and my friends are there. That''s what i have been telling myself this past year. But honestly, I only work 2 days a week so I am not pulling in that much money. I like being around books but working around them is actually soul sucking. People continually butcher titles and authors names. I do not deal with customers who enjoy book, more often than not, the people i help hate the books they are their to buy. Also, not many people I know work there anymore. Compared to last year I actually feel like a newbie at BN or worse like a fifth year senior. The place is the same, the shit i put up with is the same but the people who made it bearable are no longer there. They got better jobs, they moved, the simply quit. I lingered.

So after a really rough and ugly night at the store on Monday (my new manager is incompetent and let another manager take the fall for a mistake he made) I decided to jump ship. I have put up with a lot at that store but now that I don't work there often, my friends are all gone, and the commute is awful, I can not justify stay there. I just cannot. So i let one of my managers know yesterday and I in a few short weeks I will no longer be a bookseller.

I've applied to some part time jobs closer to my house in hopes that I can make up the 2 shifts i am losing at BN. If all else fails, I can also take up some hours at the University I work for. Regardless this is a decision that was hard to make but has made me happy. I hate that place. I am starting to dislike most of my employees and seriously commuting at night is the pits! The train home smelled like beer and piss.

Two very big life changes have happened so quickly that I am starting to get the feeling that I am doing okay. Whatever trench/ black hole/ desolate space I resided in  this past year has suddenly opened it's door and let me out. Decision making and executing plans and putting things into motion has given me purpose. I am a person again. I am a person and there is something liberating about it. Scary as hell but liberating.


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Today is the day I quit Barnes and Noble once and for all. I'm a few months shy of when I originally planned to but this decision is a long time coming. Now that I'm living in a different town the commute combined with my general unhappiness there solidified my decision. Last night I experienced one of the most disastrous closes of my time there and at this rate i'd rather jump ship then stay any longer. I have a bunch of vacation time to utilize which will hopefully save me from being completely broke. I'm nervous as hell cause I don't really have a plan B but when the time is right the time is right. I will no longer be a bookseller. My life continues to change at an accelerated speed.