As always writing about my sadness is much easier than expressing it. The last few days have been both liberating and isolating in a lot of ways. The liberating part is that i have taken a stand for myself, finally, after months of shitty treatment. I have put myself first. The worry and anxiety about how Sean treats me has been buried under soft pillows. I am not waiting around for him to write or call me. I have not gone to bed anxious that i'll miss a opportunity to talk to him. I feel a little more sane. I know I have made the right decision for myself. I know this to be true.
But i'd be a liar if I said i haven't questioned my decision to block any and all access between us. I'm the kind of person who likes the 'final word' and I wish the end would have been a little more dramatic than me up and disappearing from his life especially since he doesn't seem to notice I've gone missing. Our last conversation ended with him saying I needed to make him a list (for him) on how to treat me because he needs to be constantly told what to do. Seriously.
If he isn't told what to do or how to do it he fucks up. He can't think independently which makes a lot of sense when i look back on 95% of our interaction. He never took the initiative on anything (and when he did...it was always done so clumsily: "here is my penis. SURPRISE') and he was easily swayed by the wind.
He never trusted his gut or his heart. He had to be directed by strings and if he tried to walk on his own he couldn't. It was damn near impossible for him.
So even though the idea of telling someone how to treat me mortified the shit out of me I wanted to try it out, you know, because I wanted things to work out. I still stupidly want things to work out in some weird way. Its hard to explain. But i don't think rules like that should be spelled out in a relationship. I don't think i should have to tell someone when they can talk to me, keep in contact, care about my well-being, not be a douche.
I don't want to make work out of something as simple as affection. To me it takes the fun and spontaneity and joy out of being with someone when everything is predicted and predetermined. But i still tried to come up with rules even though they weren't coming to me easily.
And then i remembered something he said earlier in the week, something that bothered me but that i didn't address at the time. He told me that he was only capable of giving me 2% of his best self. 2%. And for the next couple of days i couldn't get the number out of my head. Did it mean that he was only able to give me 2% of himself ever? Did it mean that I was only worth 2%?
Whatever the case, I complied a list of 98 things that I have never done to Sean (most of which he has done to me): I have never sent him on an errand for someone else, I have never told him he was unattractive, I have never crossed sexual boundaries, I have never stolen from him, I have never put him last, I have never had him fight for my attention, I have never used him, I have never been unreachable, I have never given only 2% of my best self.
I was going to send him the list so he could go over it, feel impacted by the countless shitty things he has done and then promise me that he would work on giving me more. I wrote the list for him because if 2% is the best he could offer me, whatever was on that list, represented the rest of him. It was visualization of what he had to offer; which was less than the bare essentials for anyone you claim to care for .
But before i emailed it to him I realized it wouldn't change anything between us. It was just another way for me to point out flaws in a boy full of them. It was a way for me to feel a little entitled because I've been incredibly awesome and giving (maybe a little too much) in this relationship. It was some attempt to hang on to whatever future i wanted with him.
So i didn't send it. Instead I put an end to us because hanging on is worse than letting go if you know you can survive the fall. And while it has felt somewhat empowering the last few days, there times when it hasn't felt that way at all. There have been blank moments in my Sean-less life where I wish he would have 'seen' me like i 'saw' him. I am silently hoping that he notices my absence and misses me but not like you miss your pet when you've gone out of town for a few days.
I want him to miss me like you miss a good nights sleep.