Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Melatonin Nights

On Monday I had a small panic attack at work. My panic attacks are generally very internal. There are no visible signs that I am freaking the hell out but inside I am just a mess of nerves. I get anxious and nauseous and light-headed. I feel faint and suddenly overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion and then because I've had the attack I immediately feel ashamed afterwards because "what the hell".

I am anxious about a whole lot of things these days: some things I can control and some things I can't.

As you may know I bought a Car on Saturday! Woor Woot! I wish there was some long dramatic story I could tell you regarding the purchase. But honestly, I hung out with Heather on Friday and sort of spent the whole time complaining about public transportation. Last Thursday I left work early because I needed to run errands after work. I got out work at 4:30 and did not get home until 7:00pm. If I had a car my commute home would be 30 minutes at the max but because I have to take two buses to get home, my commute can sometimes be a disaster.

As I am complaining to Heather she bluntly tells me "the moment you say you are physically ready to buy a car. We'll find you a car"  Of course she reminded me of our last disastrous not car buying experience and wanted to make sure that if i said I was "ready" it meant I was absolutely able to put down money. I of course told her I was, even though I may have fudged about what I could and could not realistically afford.  My budget was a low 5k and including taxes I was only looking to spend about 5400 all in.

In the car world this is not a lot of money and I thought I would not be able to find a car at that price that wasn't a lemon. The next day she calls me at like 10am and says"so I'm not sure how serious you were yesterday but if you are, i think i may have found you a car". The car was well over my 5k budget but Heather was sure she could talk them down a few hundred bucks because she is really good at this car buying stuff. We get to the car dealership and of course I am smitten with it as soon as I see it. This love only continued to grow when I test drove it and felt like the boss ass bitch that I aspire to be. When we got back to the dealership to crunch numbers I realized that the mileage on the car was misquoted by 30K. When i bring this up to Heather she pounces on it and the salesman like a pit bull. He apologizes profusely for misleading us and then says he will knock off $1500 from the car because "we are not in the business of scamming people and obviously the mileage is well over what it shows on the website".

And that my friends is how I walked out with a 2009, Nissan Versa that was $1500 less than my original budget. Well, not really walked out. I am still waiting for them to fix up a free bumps and scraps on the car so  I could get the car as soon as tomorrow or as far as next week. In the meantime, I have had to get insurance, take a defensive driver class and buy things for my car that as a car owner I didn't know I needed. As I wait, I am also filled with anxiety about my impending independence but also having to drive on New York roads. I am a very inexperienced driver and the idea of driving on the highway makes me want to hurl but I can't take back roads my whole life and I can't chicken out now and continue taking the bus until I'm 90 years old.

My other anxiety front is this falling out with Kat. She's been super quiet since I went ghost on her a month ago but I keep having this sense that this relative calm and quietness could mean a storm is coming OR Kat is absolutely okay with us not being friends which is only bothersome because it means she thinks I am at fault. For the past month, I thought I've had the upper hand in ending this friendship. That I took this big step in reclaiming my independence and terminating a friendship that was unhealthy with a person who was unhealthy. This doesn't mean I am not in many ways grieving the loss of the friendship, when it was good it was fabulous and I don't think I'll ever have such an intense bond with another friend as I did with her. But her relatives okay-ness (which I can only assume at this point) makes me think that this was her plan all along. When I asked her about her birthday festivities she was the one who said he wasn't interested in celebrating with me. Maybe she was done and had decided she was done well before I reached out to her and instead of me cutting the cord Kat cut it. 

If that's the case, holy effing hell, am I to blame for our falling out? Am I such a difficult person to have in people's lives that rejection is imminent.  I am a person who needs her space. I can love immensely but when I feel smothered I have a tendency of retreating because I need "me" time. Does this come across as mean? I am not sure, but Kat often accused me of being mean because of my desire to spend time apart and if this is true what a horrible effing feeling that is. Selfishly, I'd much rather be a case of us growing apart because we expected different things from each other. I'd much rather take some of the blame then all of the blame (even though I have of course but her in a position where she is at fault). Whatever the case, I am feeling a little off this week and just out of place.

My life anxieties are of course compounded with the news and while I am not a person who likes to discuss money, religion or politics....what the holy hell is happening. Just a few weeks ago I was riding high from the DNC and feeling super patriotic and grateful as fuck to be alive to see a women accept the nomination as Presidential Candidate. And now, I am filled with dread and terror and just awfulness because we have a man running who is the fucking worst, just the fucking worst and her chances now seems slimmer than ever. I have had to stop myself from watching the news because last week after watching the Matt Lauer disaster, I physically got sick and ended up throwing up and then couldn't go to sleep. It was awful and since then I've been taking Melatonin to sleep better and the only food I can keep down this week is toasted bread.

I am worried. Very fucking worried because I have seen some atrocious, awful and hateful things during the campaign and I cannot imagine an American with that dipshit as my commander is chief but we are nearing the finish line and this motherfucker is still front and center and I am baffled and I am nervous and I am afraid.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

:: snoopy dance::

I bought a car today!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Falling into Autum....

I'm feeling all sorts of gross and anxious day. The Kat thing is hitting me hard this week, not necessarily cause I miss her crazy ways but because in her absence I all of a sudden feel very alone. How did i go from having so many friends and people around me to....well a very small few. Maybe two, if I'm being honest.

To calm my anxiety I'm trying to create a dope ass Fall playlist for the impending cold mornings and changing leaves. It is my hope that Fall will bring about really great changes (both in my life and maybe my mood) because right now I feel sort of...alone and stuck and without a clue if the decisions I am making will lead to results I am actually happy with.

Le Sigh.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

The Art of Disappearing

I am incredibly good at disappearing. I have always been good at this.

A lot of it probably has to do with my size. I am tiny, like Olympic gymnast tiny. My vertical challenge is also compounded with my often slender or svelte frame. This was not always the case of course. Much of high school and college was spent feeling awkward in my soft/round frame. I was adorable and cuddly like a stuffed animal but even still I hate looking at pictures of myself from those years because of my roundness.

Living in New York is the diet I currently live by. I walk a lot because I don't have a car and I've always eaten like a bird so when I first moved up here I lost so much weight I hardly recognized myself. While my weight fluctuates like any normal human being, I am comfortably small which makes it easy to disappear/ slip through things / escape quickly without anyone noticing.

My skill also has a lot to do with my personality. I can be secretive, often evasive and distant. Outside of this blog, I don't like talking about myself. I only like to offer up enough information so people get a general sense of who I am without knowing the whole story. I save being open, honest and fully present to a very small handful of people. I am not sure why this is either. I don't think I will ever understand why.

The point is when I make a decision to remove myself from a situation or person, I do so as soon as my mind is officially made up. I disappear. I slip away. I make myself as unavailable as possible because it's the only way I know how. There are few to no take backs in my very complicated book and world view. I mean obviously this is harder to apply in certain situations. It took me forever to decided to move on from Sean and even then it was a hesitant and slow disappearing act. But when it comes down to it the moment I hit my breaking point, I remove myself completely and swiftly. It's the only way I've know how.

I bring this up because I recently decided to end my friendship with Kat and in doing so have completely and utterly removed myself from her life. I have chosen to disappear and no longer be friends: a decision that did not arise overnight. My blogging has been very spotty these last few years and there are gaps that I have not had the time to fill in properly. Despite my overall closeness to Kat, my friendship  has been a downward spiral for little over a year and this decision was one that evolved and came into affect over months of deciding.

My relationship with Kat is murky and it would take several posts to summarize the last few years of it. What I will say is that we bonded at a time when i was desperately in need of a friend. We were friends long before Marie died but in a lot of ways after she passed Kat and I's relationship became stronger. I needed and wanted a close friend to remind me that I could connect and be engaged with another human being again and Kat was always willing to provide that. Of course when the boy stuff happened we only had each other to confide in and we become inseparable due to shared suffering.

But there is something about having an inseparable friend when you're 12 years old and when you are 30 years old. Our closeness began to wear thin pretty quickly because she expected more out of our friendship that i was willing to give. She wanted to hang out all the time, I had to text her everyday or she would feel slighted. If I made plans with other people she would openly express jealousy. If I made plans to do something by myself she would openly express annoyance that I did not include her.

Though the behavior was odd, I sort of just let it go because who doesn't want a friend that  is your right hand man. Who doesn't want to have a person in your life that you know is always available to go to the movies or museums with. I've had the most fun with Kat during my time in New York. Most of our outings were effortless and fun because wherever we went we'd spend most of it talking about things that we were both interested in: books, arts, boys, pop culture. We could turn outings to the city into night long adventures which usually ended with us laughing until our stomachs hurt. Or we could have a chill hang out at my place watching Gilmore Girls and contemplating our place in the world.

But while I valued our closeness, moving to a new town and in a new apartment created this fierce independence I didn't know I possessed. I began healing and thriving independent of our friendship that gave me a renewed sense of...productivity. Though I still loved hanging out with Kat, I quickly grew tired of our routine because I wanted to try new things and meet new people. She expected us to hang out every Friday in my apartment for hours watching TV followed by solidified plans of hanging out on the weekend. She'd get annoyed if I had something going on that would prevent us from hanging out during the week and this made me feel like she was preventing me from becoming whatever person I am trying to become.

It became overwhelming during the holidays when she expected us to spend Christmas Eve together opening presents and watching Christmas movies at my apartment. I expressed my disinterest in participating in that activity for several reasons and her response to this was very immature: why don't you want to spend the day opening presents, why can't i hang out at your house, why are you being so mean I just want to hang out, followed by catty like behavior for the next few weeks until I finally conceded and we spent an afternoon opening our presents in front of each other. Like children

I guess where the shift began was Kat's all consuming need for me to make her my #1 priority. Every decision I made had to indirectly affect her. Eventually every decision she made was directly related to one's i made. Soon after moving to my adorable town she announced that she'd like to move there also and get an apartment down the street from me so she could drop by my house whenever. At first I thought this was a joke but a few weeks later she admitted she found an apartment 3 blocks from my house that she wished she could move into. Luckily it sold before she could even ask to see the place. 

THEN I told her about my interest in getting a car and based on that discussion she went out that weekend and leased a 2016 Subaru Legacy because "if you deserve a car, I deserve one too". THEN she ask if my job was hiring because she thought it would be cool if we worked together again. THEN when i told her I was going to take my mom to Washington D.C, she booked a trip a few weeks later and stayed at the same hotel I booked with my family.

I know these seems like very minor similarities but jebsus meffing fiest! I felt like I was living the plot of Single White Female, except with someone I've been super close to for the past 5 years. I was always aware hat she had a habit of 'copying' out of love. If i liked something she would try her hardest to like it as well, in some attempt to relate to me BUT i am not the kind of person who likes that attention and  never found it flattering. Instead I resented her and what I perceived as a blatant overstep in our friendship.

In many ways I felt like her copying allowed her to take credit for ideas or achievements that were never her own but that she was getting validation for. And it annoyed the crap out of me. She would tell me that she only got her car because I inspired her to get it and then she accidentally sent me a text meant for another person where she talked about her new adult purchase that she made all by herself. The fact was that I knew Kat  as a person who couldn't make any decision without the approval of someone around her was greatly different from the person she presented to the world. The person she presented to the world very closely mirrored me and things that I did or talked about doing.

In order to prevent myself from resenting Kat I decided to distance myself a little. I started hanging out with other friends and planning activities that didn't involve her. I still put aside time to catch a movie with her every once in a while  (and Fridays for the most part resumed as normal) but I wanted to create a boundary with her where was one was lacking. Naturally she did not take this well. She thought that I didn't value our friendship and said that "people would kill to have a friendship like we do and you are outgrowing it. that's sad". Before crush boy became bye boi she was worried that he would cut into our 'us time" and got vocally upset when i wanted to reschedule plans to hang out with him.

Now, I know what you are thinking because I have thought it to but Kat has been in a serious relationship with a great guy for 10 years. They live together and have talked about low key marrying because both aren't going to just up and start dating someone else. Though Kat cheated on him twice she admitted that she would never leave him because he treats her like a fucking queen and honestly he does. But Kat is a person who likes to have the best of both worlds. I think she is used to getting undivided attention from her boyfriend that she expects this sort of end all-be all commitment from her friends and that was something I was not willing to do.

I love Kat. I think she's dope but in her mind she was okay with me just being there only for her. and no one else. If she could plan the future it would involve me remaining a dutiful, faithful friend who is always available to her when she needs me to. In doing so though, I didn't have much time to pursue my own personal interest or relationships because she demanded my attention constantly.

After several months of living like this, I completely got fed up two weeks ago when I told her I saved up enough money to finally buy a car (this is before I knew that my enough was not actually enough). I only told her this because she picks me up on Fridays for our mandatory Friday night chill-fest and I wanted to let her know that she wouldn't have to do that soon. Her response: speaking of big news, so I've decided to go to Chicago for my birthday. It was a last minute thing but you talked about how much you liked it and I figured I would like it to"

What? Asaywhat? Awhatthefuck? I don't know why I was annoyed by this announcement but on top of everything else this just seemed to be the icing.  Home girl couldn't find Chicago on a US map a few years ago and now I inspired her to go. It was at this point that I admitted to her that it makes me uncomfortable that I inspire her to do things that end up very seriously mirroring my own experiences. Despite my frustration and anger, I promise I told her this in the most polite but direct way ever. And her response "ARE YOU KIDDING ME. ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF SINGLE WHITE FEMALING YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL CANCEL MY TRIP NOW AND RETURN MY CAR WHILE I'M AT IT"

She eventually calmed down but the fact that she herself brought up Single White Female as a reference makes me think this is not the first time someone has accused her of copying. We ended the conversation on what I thought was a good note and then proceeded to hang out as normal that Friday. A few days later I texted her about her trip to Chicago and what she wanted to do for her birthday when she returned. Her response: No. Thanks tho.

It was at that moment that my disappearing instinct kicked in and I decided enough is enough. I don't want to be her friend anymore. I don't want to know someone who cannot support my ideas and aspirations but instead robs them from me. I cannot be friends with someone who wants me to sacrifice my own happiness to cater to her own. I do not want to be friends with someone who only months ago gave me an ultimatum: be my friend like I need you to be my friend or I am done with you.

So, I made it easy for her. I disappeared. I faded. I slipped through the cracks and made a fucking break for it. I sprinted as soon as she gave me a petty window to do so and because my decision making is very absolute, I have no plans of turning back. There is so much I want to do and see. There is so much I want to accomplish and be and man o' man did it feel like she was in many ways preventing that progress. Cause progress is what I am about these days.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

My Exhuastative and Never Ending Used Car Buying Experience.

Jebsus Mucking Fiest. If I new how hard this car buying experience was going to be, I would have created a time machine to go back 10 years and not fuck up my credit  so I could just lease or finance a car like a normal adult. But alas, that is not my current financial situation so a couple of months ago I made the decision to save up enough money to buy a cash car.

I know, I know....I've already heard all of the arguments between leasing/financing vs. buying but i must reiterate my credit is crappy and I don't feel comfortable leasing a new car with fancy things like heated seats which my bum does not need. I like owning things because I didn't grow up owning many things.So after researching my options, I decided that I would save up enough money to buy a car with cold hard and earned cash. I am pretty cheap by nature, so it only took me a few months to save 5k which I thought would be enough money to purchase my first vehicle.

It's not.

Ever since telling my friend Heather that I was prepared to go car shopping, I've been dragged to countless dealerships that a) don't have any cars in my price range or b) have cars in my price range that I have no interest in buying (I'm talking about you 1996 Buick). The search has been disheartening to say the least. But yesterday Heather sent me a link to a 2009 Nissan Versa for 5k. It was a gem of a car ( I gem i tell you) and in any other situation I would have been over the moon at finding my potential new vehicle.

But then I started crunching numbers and realized that my 5k budget did not include tax and stuff. Insurance and stuff. Registration fees and stuff. I suddenly went from "omg, omg I think I found my dream used car" to "wait, by the end of the actual transaction I will have spent a little over $800 more than my budget. $800 that I honestly do not have and could not borrow from anyone".

As soon as I realize this I tell Heather that I don't think we should head to the dealership to look at this vehicle because i don't have the money I would actually need to buy the car. This is the point where Heather becomes super overwhelming "but you said you were looking for a car" "this is the gem we've been talking about" "I can't keep driving you around like a cab if you're not serious about buying a car" "are you afraid of driving" "are you stalling because you're afraid of driving" "am i pressuring you into doing this".

My mind and body shuts down when I am emotionally overwhelmed. It just does. I lose words, I lose thoughts, I lose mobility in my limbs. It's like I can feel myself float away from my body and I am literally watching the situation outside of myself. It's the closet I think I will ever get to one of those outer body experiences, except that I experience them during duress.

So I'm sitting in Heather's car and she keeps going on and on and on about what I want to do. Except she isn't really asking me what I want to do (because I've already told her " i can't afford this car right now so I think it's a waste to head all the way up to this dealership and I'm not ready to buy" she is demanding an answer from me and I can't deal. "why are you changing your mind" "why don't you have enough money" "why am I wasting my time" and I just feel awful because I didn't know how hard this car search would be and had I known I would have waited a while longer instead of getting my hopes up that I'd have a vehicle by the end of the summer.

We eventually got to a point in the conversation where I simply told her I was not ready to continue looking for cars unless I had more money to cover all the expenses. And because that is not the case, I have to put off buying a car for a few more weeks. She seemed satisfied with this answer but there is still a bad taste in my mouth about the whole day.

Thanks to the interwebs, I was reminded that I moved to New York 8 years ago this month. My mom and I took an amtrak from South Carolina to New York so she could drop me off at my aunts house. I had maybe $70 in my bank account, no jobs prospects and and a small duffle bag of clothes. 8 effing years ago. I was 22 years old. I thought i was going to move to New York and work in publishing and life would just start and work out the way I imagined life was supposed to work out. It didn't. The last 8 years have been anything but easy.I struggled and I fought for bare scraps and only now am I at a point in my life where I feel like my efforts are paying off. Little by little. Day by day.

BUT I am surrounded by people who have it easier than me so it can make it hard to relate. I sometimes feel as if I am playing catch up because it seems like everyone else in some way or another has an advantage.  Heather recently told me that her bf paid off her 6k credit card debt because, well he could. When I brought up buying a cash car at work, several people chimed in about leasing because they all have 2016 vehicles and pay only $230 a month on car payments ( i can't afford that). Kat had someone write her cover letter/resume and applied to jobs for her because she complained it was too hard.

I hate that I'm envious of their situations. I hate that I hear the phrase "well if you could do, i knew that i could do it to" because it implies that I have made things look so easy and yet have achieved so little.  I was so annoyed recently cause Kat decided she wants to go to Chicago for vacation this summer. She said they wanted to go to Hershey Park for her birthday and the she decided that because Hershey Park is not far from Chicago (please google it. It is not) that they would just drive to Chicago right after because "if you've been to Chicago it can't be hard for me and [insert boyfriends name] to go.

I should not have been infuriated by this news but i was only because both trips to Chicago were exhaustive, expensive and challenging experiences. I didn't suddenly have the urge to go to Chicago with some person willing to drive me and flip the bill on the whole trip. I was just brave, reckless and stupid (my general traits) and look where they got me.

The same sort of envy has arisen with this car search. We hit up so many dealerships this past week that my wallet is full of business cards from sales people who were so nice out of pity. During every visit Heather would say something like "i can't believe no one has been a jerk to us yet. My budget was $15k and people were so rude. You're practically poor and people are being so nice". I don't need to be reminded of how poor I am. I don't need to be reminded of this. When did having 5k in my bank account equate to poor especially when I used to have little to no money at all to even feed myself.

I am frustrated that in comparison my achievements don't feel like actual achievements because I seem to fight for things that my friends obtain easily and/or with added assistance. Kat literally purchased a new car because I told her I wanted to get a car and she figured if I could go out and get a car she could too. I still do not have this vehicle I talked about getting almost a year ago. I am still taking public transportation where today an ant crawled on my face. An ant.

I am frustrated and tired and a bit of a Charlie Brown this week. I know that things with me are always going to be a struggle because honestly I like being the underdog. But sometimes even a dog needs to be thrown a bone every once in awhile.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Boi Bye!

As you may or may not know, I had a little bit of an office crush these past few months. I didn't want to talk about it because after the Sean situation I have learned not to let myself get to wrap up in something that could or could not be.

This boy sort of came out of the blue though. He started working for the company about a year ago as a marketing representative and I did not think much of him when he first started. He was super quiet and hard to read and seemed only interested in coming to work and going home. When he did talk, it was only if someone brought up something nerdy (which was usually me) but then would retreat into silence as if he never uttered a word.

I remember thinking he was okay but then characteristically being turned off when during one of these rare moments of interjection he said "i have a girlfriend." after I made some remark about wanting to drive a Volvo. I thought the comment was so random and was a little put off that he said it as if I were digging for an answer I never questioned him about. My little bit of curiosity flew out the window after that day and I sort of went about ignoring him like I do everyone else at my job.

However, a few weeks later  he brought up the fact that we had a mutual friend in common. I was minding my business at my desk when he came over and sort of announced that I popped up on Facebook as a mutual friend and that we knew someone in common. I am not sure why this made talking to him easier but it did. The moment he mentioned that we shared a friend we instantly hit it off and the last few months have been great in the work friend department.

Turns out this 'boy' is the most introspective, musically talented, philosopher I have come across in a very long time and I was quickly swept up in his mystery. He was an engineer major in college because of his interest in numbers and concrete answers. He sort of 'fucked up royally for a while' and took a job in marketing because he needed to get his life together before applying to school again. He likes hip hop and philosophy, is a professional gamer outside of work and once quoted Plato and Thomas Jefferson during our many rambling sessions.

Because my office is super weird, we spent the most of this time getting to know each out via Slack (a g-chat isque form of communication which served the purpose of making us look busy at work while simultaneously allowing us to chat for hours with no one really knowing).  We spent the first few weeks getting to know each other on a superficial level, asking each other questions about our past, present and likes. He was a jock in high school turned nerd. He is a foodie and likes driving to remote areas and writing lyrics. He is self conscious about his weight and height(he's a giant compared to moi)  but he's also super aware about everything and everyone around him.

I can't remember where we went from superficial to in-depth but to put it bluntly: I found him fucking fascinating. I kept telling him this when we first were getting to know each other. He'd send me song recommendations throughout the day and every song, every melody every lyric was so beautiful I felt like he knew me. He'd genuinely want to know stuff about me and then be totally reciprocal when I asked him questions back. We shared enough similarities to make us friends but enough differences to keep each other engaged. He is fascinating, self-deprecating but honest and whenever i got the chance  I'd tell him over and over again upon each new discovery that I was utterly fascinated by him and his mind. Just fucking fascinated.

Of course, once we got past the initial stuff I knew that I liked him in a way that bordered on romantic and platonic. I may be a person who is unable to have a lot of platonic male friends. I am a person who does not think men and women can easily be friends without some sort of feelings shinning through. Trust me, I have had a lot of male friends I did not like in that way. But I have noticed that most of the guys I tend to like and fall for start off initially as good friends. I am more comfortable dating someone that I have a history with (be it a small 1-2 year friendship or in recent cases someone that I've known for a super long time) and more often than not, I (or the person) end up making a decision to just be friends or have suffocating feelings for each other. There is no black or white.

But  based on my previous mistake, I knew that I should probably squash any crush feelings that could come to the surface because he mentioned he had a GF when he first started working here and I just don't ever want to be in that situation again. So I enjoyed making and having a new friend. He made work the best place in the whole entire world and introduced me to the most euphoric music I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. BUT THEN, during one our conversations he said that he broke up with this GF (the one who drove a Volvo) months ago and I mentioned that I too was single and I'm not sure, something just clicked.

He started driving me home after work, where we spend the ride home talking about the universe and music and life. We'd smoke weed (i know, i know...i only smoke socially) and ask each other questions and bond like i haven't bonded with any other person in a long time. I couldn't get over how open and honest he was about everything. He seemed filled with regret over being someone who picked on people in school but then also very apprehensive about his future and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with this life. And every time we'd get to this point of our interactions, I'd become even more fascinated.

But for every great interaction between us, he'd respond by sometimes retreating for days into silence. I tried not to take it personally but of course that was pretty tough to do cause I enjoyed talking to him and being around him. Despite our shared singlehood, I wanted mainly to be his friend because as his friend we could see where or if anything transpired. And because I knew we only had a limited time left as colleagues (he was accepted to an engineer program and would only be working in the office until August) I was tasked with becoming his friend while also leaving our budding friendship open to progressing naturally.

I thought I was doing a bang up job of this. Thought being the best word i can think of at the moment. Despite the pitter patter and the rumblings on interest in my chest, despite catching him on numerous occasions starring at me from his desk, I tried to keep it as friendly as possible. Not so casual that he didn't think i was interested but not so suffocating that it would scare the living daylights out of him if he wasn't interested in me that way. It's a hard line to walk but I felt pretty good about how I was going about it AND he seemed pretty receptive about my approach. But then last Friday rick-rolled around and boy o boy....

So, we planned in advance to chill after work his last day. He is a professional gamer so he had a tournament to drive to that night but said he still wanted and could chill after work because it wasn't out of the way. We left work mad early (because Fridays everyone is on a summer schedule), drove to my house, smoked in his car and talked about everything under the sun. Towards the end of hanging out I told him that I thought he was a really dope guy and that he made work bearable and that if he wanted to hit me up anytime to just chill and hang out or nature walk and write lyrics, i'd be totally down for that.

Good, right? Well, i thought it was good. Especially since I am not a person who willingly puts herself out there. Nope and more nope. It makes me uncomfortable and I am petrified of rejection. So after I said this I was hoping, yes hoping, that his response would give me  hope that I have moved past this Sean situation a better brighter person...with a potential better brighter boy on the horizon. I was hoping but that hope was quickly dashed.

"Um, yea, maybe. I mean, i don't see myself coming up this way for a pretty long time so that might be impossible but I'll definitely keep you in mind, maybe".

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I am emjoi cringing right now.  That is definitely not the response I was hoping for. One bit. After he said this, i said "oh, okay" and then slinked out of his car like the loser I apparently am. I haven't talked to him since and I guess, I won't ever talk to him again since you know...even being friends was sort of out of the question. Surprisingly despite the initial disappointment and embarrassment I am super proud for putting myself out there even if my attempt got chewed up and then spit back at me. I may have been baby birded in a negative way but you know it happens and it doesn't feel...devastating.

It feels a little liberating knowing I don't have to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want to be my friend...or my friend. It feels a tab bit liberating that I can have an interest in someone, have nothing come from it and still just kind of move on. Like today, I woke up, put my hair in a bun, got some coffee from Starbucks put on my gangster rap and heavy metal playlist and went about my day killing it at work and maybe even at life.  Maybe I am just finally learning that rejection is a part of life but it does not define my life or the strides I am making everyday.