Wednesday, December 06, 2017

26 + 6

Happy Birthday Amanda "Panda" Marie 

Monday, December 04, 2017

She's Gotta Have It

After six eventful days in South Carolina with my family, I am finally back in New York grinding away at my job, paying bills I didn't know I had and trying with all my might not to let the December Blues hit me hard. But like most impending Decembers, I am anxious and sad and stressed and sort of a Grinch lately.

While I was home the main discussion was Blue. My mom is elated that there is a potential boy in my life. I don't think I have ever seen her this happy and honestly I can understand why. My mother is terrified that my brother and i will end up alone. She has said this repeatedly not in an insulting way but filled more with fear..i think. She feels like she has raised us to be too independent, too strong-willed, too self-sufficient to the point that we do not know how to maintain relationships.

And if in some bizarre turn of events my mother ever ends up coming across this blog, I want her to know this is not true. I would never blame her for making me an independent, strong-willed and self sufficient human being. I am grateful for those attributes, I am thankful for her continued love and desire to help me grow as a person.

I only recognize now that maybe people have children because they want better for them. It is a chance to do "it" all over again but hopefully this time with better results. And while my mom has never asked when i was getting married or when I plan on having kids...I know this is something she wants for me. Along with being happy and healthy and strong she wants me to be loved and to give love. I think it is her biggest hope for me.

And so far in the daughter department, this is kind of the one thing I haven't gotten right.  I was a late bloomer and didn't start dating until after college. Unfortunately, Sean took up a significant part of my late 20's and during a time when I should have been meeting boys who were actually interested in me, I stayed with Sean and let him string me along this precarious and fucked up path. By the time it was all over and done with, I developed this very jaded view of men. Or rather, I promised myself I would never develop such intense feelings for someone unless there was a healthy reciprocal  response.

And since then there hasn't really been a healthy reciprocal guy i've been interested in. So I've done what I can to enhance other aspects of my life. Mainly getting my own place, buying a car, ending friendships, traveling and trying to be a fucking congruent girl once and for all. And honestly, in doing so I am happier; still anxious and moody and sullen, but happier.

But I'm 31 now. 31, so of course mother time is hinting that I should probably focus on settling down and partnering up. But it isn't as easy as just deciding you want to have a partner. I am not interested in meeting someone online, I am not interested in speed dating, I don't want to scroll through images of a people and hope that our likes match up I've never been interested in searching for something. If "it" doesn't happen organically than I am not really interested.

This doesn't mean I don't want a partner and I don't think about having a family. Because I think i'd be good at both. And in my darkest of desires I want both, I just wish there was more time to figure it all out, for patience and love and comfort. But it feels like my time is expiring on trying to figure it out. It feels like I am already suppose to know what I want, with who I want and make it happen now.

So in many ways this is why Blue seems like a blessing to my mom. Finally there is a nice boy who I am spending a lot of time with who makes me happy. But I don't know what Blue and I are doing. There has been no kissing, no touching or romantic development. We hang out regularly, text daily and seem to enjoy each others company. He has a way of talking roundabout, so I can't really get the sense of his attraction to me as a person or if he is just at that same point in life as well, where he has to start thinking about partnering up and I was an available girl.

Also, he broke up with his on again-off again gf a year ago, and there are still super friendly. I get the sense that he didn't want to end it but it ended anyway and that he still likes her. Or at least wants to be friends with her. I wonder if this is also why nothing has happened between us. I wonder if there is still a possibility between them and he is just occupying an liminal stage with me.  After Sean, I am anxious about being anyone's placeholder and this isn't to say I am Blue's but  I am still paranoid that I am just filling a space and it makes me insecure and nervous.

Having said that, I don't want this to underscore the last few weeks with Blue. He's smart and funny and sensitive. We have no problem talking for hours and enjoying each others company. He is attractive and serious and determined. And his eyes are just the most incredible shade of blue. I have to repeat this, they are just incredible. But the longer we just hang out, the less I feel like we are moving towards a romantic relationship. Because of our mutual hesitation to make a move, it feels like we are in the cycle of friendship. We'll talk about sex and love and desires for an hour and then instead of exploring it together, we part ways and make plans to see each other the following week.

He literally saw me the night before I flew home for thanksgiving. He showed up at my house after work (he works at a library) and we drank beers and watched movies. We relaxed on my futon and had our usual mix of intellectually stimulating and engaging conversation. We decided that we should see each other weekly, at my house, and watch movies and drink beer and eat food because he liked being at my house. We talked about men and women, and sex and love, and desire and intimacy and then it was 1am and he said he should probably head home and we hugged on the stairs. He was at my house for 6 hours and it ended with a hug.

Yesterday he came over for 7 hours! 7 whole hours and well, nothing happened as well. I hate Sundays. I spend most of Sunday cranky and angry about Monday so I usually spend the day sulking and watching Law & Order but he wanted to come over so I said sure but that he should expect sulking and Law & Order. We ended up watching a bunch of movies, writing some and talking. It was normal and nice and like every other hang out.  But like, is there supposed to be more. Is there supposed to be a moment where things just click on a non-friend level. Because right now, it is stock full of convenience and comfort but nothing else.

Of course I am getting a multitude of advice from friends and family. All very mixed and spastic. There are two competing ones at the moment. I should be the aggressive one, make a move, tell him how i feel (even though i am not sure how i feel) and be assertive! Then there is the  just let things happen naturally advice. Let him make the move, maybe he's shy and just isn't ready yet. I of course have opinions about both approaches and as I sit on another eve before hanging out with Blue, I have no clue which one to pursue. And i'm getting restless with the anticipation. Will the bubble burst or continue to float.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

If I ever write a memoir, it will be called "I Have No Idea What the Fuck I'm Doing and Other Misadventures". The chapters will be filled with my slapstick attempts to manage day to day life stuff, along with a few anecdotes on how at 31 I still have no idea what i am fucking doing. At all.

So, last Friday Blue wanted to hang out at my house and despite the super short notice I was game to have him over because I am eagerly awaiting some serious form of necking to occur between us. Spoiler alert:it didn't. Though I am happy that the last few weeks with Blue has been exceptional and fun and super friendly, I have a tendency of wondering why all of this is happening in the first place.Why did he reach out to me of all people? Is he just interested in being just friends? Or more? Am I only interested in being friends?  Or more? I just don't know.

It's not that I am getting mixed signals from Blue, it's that I am getting no signals at all. There is neither hot-blooded advances or out-right "naw, fam we are just friend". There is instead this feeling that he is creating a list (as am I) of whether this is something worth pursing. If he wants to walk down this path that we can't decide later on to turn back from. A few weeks ago, he invited me to his place and I was all but convinced it was so he could make a move on me. Spoiler alert: he didn't.  And it wasn't like there were moments that could have lead to something more, because there were, but we both at the moment are kind of friend-zoning each other for reasons I am not quite sure of.

I like Blue a lot. We have so much in common and he's constantly texting and talking and seeing each other. A week has not gone by without seeing this boy...and yet, there is nothing...romantic unfolding. We talk and talk and talk which is fine but i can't imagine a 30 year old, attractive, friendly and single heterosexual guy just wants to re-kindle a bookstore friendship. And if he does...well, why me? To be fair, I was very receptive to his desire to get in touch again and am super excited that we've had a good time the last month but what's supposed to happen next? I keep thinking of what's next.

So when he texted me last Friday and asked to hang out again of course I was game. I got to leave work early that day so I ran back to my apartment, cleaned up and put on something more comfortable. I freshened the hell up, thinking this time the boy would make a move. That we could, if he is game, start this friends-with-benefits arrangement because we seem to talk about and around this subject a lot. But he did not. And of course, I did not. Instead we spent all night talking about sex and politics and sex and travels and then back to sex and then it was midnight so he went home. And I understand all the sex talk may have been his attempt to spell out his interests but there is nothing in his body language that tells me he wants to kiss or touch or do anything really.

He has told me in the past that he feels insecure around women. He has told me that he never knows what he is doing in the romance department. Unfortunately, I am in the same boat, paddling in the same direction and if one of us doesn't man up soon, I feel like we could be venturing into the dreaded zone of platonic admiration. We are seeing each other again on Saturday because I am heading home for Thanksgiving and he wants to see me before I go.  By god if nothings happen, i will have to risk it a bit and be the assertive one or accept this relationship as just a solid friendship. I must repeat, I am not looking for a romantic relationship. Don't get me wrong he is the ideal boyfriend material and I like the shit out of him. But I am not looking for anything serious or long-term. I'm kind of just looking for casual and fun and new, I just wish I knew how to go about achieving that with Blue.

Monday, November 06, 2017

Comedy of Erros

Last  week was a complete and utter dumpster fire and I must admit i am all sorts of exhausted and depleted and disheartened by life these days.

Work continues to kill my soul every single day and there appears to be no relief from this feeling of constant dread. I am having issues with my co-workers and supervisors which has culminated in tension and dare I say "rudeness" from managers. For the most part I like my job and I especially like my pay, but I have never worked in such an unprofessional setting before. Last week, I brought up a work related issue to my supervisor and he told me that things can't be fair for everyone in the office. This is what he said to me. This man has children and is my supervisor. 

In the friend department: my friend Heather is being unusually distant and weird. She only ever asks me to hang out when she needs to run errands which was fine before I had my car. But now, I don't need someone to drive me to the supermarket which is generally where we go. We've been friends since Kindergarten and we tend to go through months where our communication sucks but now that she is sort of my only friend, i feel her absence more.

In the life department: I have had really shitty and unexpected car problems and I had to spend nearly a thousand dollars over a two day period to get my brakes fixed. I also got pulled over for the first time which was frightening and resulted in my first ticket because of a broken headlight (which was later thrown out) . On top of that I'm losing health insurance this year because my current insurer is going out of business and Obamacare is being killed off and I can't afford any of the rising premiums as a result of this. So yea, I continue to be a causality of this administration. I guess Make America Great Again does not apply to this American.

Oh and I like two guys at the same time. I mean if it's possible?  Because I think I do and it feels irresponsible and stupid and immature. And yet on top of everything else that is a dumpster fire right now....i have feelings for two completely different guys. And I have no clue what to do. To be fair I am not sure the feelings from either are reciprocated but it still feels like I am straddling a line that is on fire.

Red (because of his ginger hair) sort of popped up out of nowhere. Everything about my attraction to him is wrong. He's a co-worker, he's a few years younger than me, he can be a little immature and he's the guy that told me that awful story about kicking some chick out of his bed and making her cry. I know...he's a catch. But for some odd reason despite our differences, we get along pretty well and I find myself wanting to be around him all the time.

He invited me to his Halloween party a few weeks ago and despite my concerns, I decided to go. Seeing him outside of work was such a weird experience. I am used to him being loud and super social and just this affable buffoon at work, that I was sort of baffled when I walked into his apartment to his small gathering of friends watching a movie and playing games. He gave me the grand tour of his apartment, which included his bedroom. There were books everywhere, in an organized chaos. Poetry books and Shakespeare and mythology and fairytales. He let me thumb through his collection as he went and grabbed his notebook full of poetry he's written. And for a while, as the party continued in the living room, we sat near each other as he read me his favorite sonnets. 

Since that night, there has been a weird chemistry between us. He is still loud and brash and makes me laugh from the pit of my stomach but then he'll say something tender and i'll think "fuck, I can't like you. I can't like you but i do..." Of course i am keeping any feelings at bay with Red because...well, there is Blue. Sweet Blue.

Blue and I have hung out a few times since our night in Queens. He is an intelligent, funny, sensitive and attentive boy.  His eyes are the color of water and he is always brimming with a thought about life and love. Last Friday I hung out at his apartment for 6 hours.  We ate dinner and vacillated between the living room and his room as we talked about philosophy and desire. It was the perfect evening, except that neither of us made a move. It felt like we were both talking about the big pink elephant in the room and instead of doing something, we did nothing.

I like Blue a lot. and the last month has been such a revelation in a lot of ways. He is an old friend who I only really saw as such when we worked together at the store. I mean don't get me wrong, I always thought he was an attractive guy (his eyes are amazing) but at the time he had a girlfriend (and I was into Sean) and I was mainly friends with him because he was best friends with damn near everyone else in the store. But now that i'm getting to know him outside of our time at the bookstore , and I am...smitten. I am flushed with this longing, i haven't felt in a really long time. I guess i'm just unsure of what he wants out of this or really what I want and I can't read him well.

When he asked to hang out Friday (at his apartment of all places) i was prepared for some advancement in the intimacy department. I am not a person who picks up on innuendos well. I am also not super aggressive when it comes to making the first move. And I know, I should be a little more assertive in the romance department but i can't. I'm still only partially comfortable in my skin and after the Sean fiasco, I am even more hesitant about getting close to a guy.

But I like Blue and for the most part I think he likes me. We text every day and grab dinner at least once a week. He is a gentle gentle boy, who likes when i ask him questions because he is full of answers. His brain is an encyclopedia of knowledge and there is something super attractive about it. I am also very attracted to him physically and mentally. But i honestly don't know what i'm looking for in men. Most of my friends are in relationships or have children. I am single, child-less woman with wavering ideas of my future. I constantly feel on the cusp of figuring out what I want, only to change my mind.

I have not actively sought out any relationships since Sean and honestly sex has never been this overruling factor for me (though i would really really like to have sex soon). But recently i've sort of conceded to the idea of single hood. Not as this permanent life choice but as a status. I am not constantly overwhelmed with the idea of dating and falling in love and having a partner. I am focused on being a congruent, successful, mentally and financially stable woman. Outside of whether I am with someone or not. Of course, I have my moments where I panic and wonder if I would be okay being single forever (the answer is no) but i'm not going to stop being who I am and exceeding in other areas of my life just because i'm not with someone. I just wont.

So with Blue, my first instinct isn't that I want him to be my boyfriend. Not because he isn't great but because i don't want to impose anything on him that could put me into this rose colored glasses sort of mode. My first instinct is that we are both single, both attracted to each other and both looking for something  super casual. Ideally, I would like to date Matt (as in, see him occasionally, hang out, grab dinner) have casual sex with him and take it day by day. I am not thinking long term. I'm thinking "here's a boy, that I already have a familiarity with, who I could maybe hook up with from time to time and idk, see movies every once in a while". And I think, Blue is on the same page. We just haven't really crossed that bridge yet and I am not sure how to do so.

We are hanging out this Friday before my friends wedding and I'm hoping to make some advancements with Blue, even if that means I have to be the assertive. But if i can be honest, with everything else in my life catching on fire, Blue (and maybe to a small extent Red) is a much needed and welcomed distraction from all the other shit.

Monday, October 09, 2017


A few weeks ago a boy I used to work with at the bookstore reached out to me via Fb. It's going on 3 years since I left Le Sad Store. 3 whole years and I can't comprehend how much has changed in that time. There was a time where the bookstore and my friends there were my whole life. I had no money, I lived in a shitty room in someone's house, I was in the midst of grief and post college life was turning out to be a dud. The bookstore, despite the crappy pay and shitty hours, was my only real source of happiness. I worked with my friends, I worked with a boy I liked a lot, I felt like I belonged once and for all.

And then everyone went away. My friends got new jobs, the boy i liked turned out to be a boy i could live without and the allure of working at a bookstore had lost all of it's shine. The month before I quit Le Sad Store, I was the most miserable I have ever been. Nothing was working out  and it felt like i had overstayed my time at a place I called home.

Since leaving the bookstore, I have not remained in touch with many of those friends. Obviously Kat and Sean are no longer in my life, but there are other people, smaller characters so to speak who meant as much but didn't get as much time devoted to them in the course of journaling my life. There was a boy named Franco who I used to walk home with. We were both hopeless romantics and talked about wanting true love and companionship daily. There was Harold, the graphic artist who I felt such a connection to that was not sexual but spiritual. We understand each others temperament and had an appreciation for the conversation we had outside of work. I have attended both baby showers for his gorgeous sons and he is a constant source of support and kinship in my life. There was also Michelle,  my partner in crime when I secretly wanted to hang out with Sean but didn't want anyone to know we were doing so alone. So she would lie and say she went with us just encase anyone asked.

And then there was Blue, who acquired the nickname because his eyes are the most insane  hue of Blue. We have mutual friends and hung out occasionally because of his closeness to Kat. He only worked at the bookstore for about a year  and then got a temp job in another town so we rarely talked. We almost had a slight falling out b/c of a miscommunication. He was apologetic and then attempted (successfully) to make it up to me by exploring this reservoir  with me near my house. We collected rocks and talked about history and then drank mimosas at a bar nearby.

B/c of our mutual friends Blue and I have stayed in touch as much as two people can in the digital age. We have even bumped into each other at social outings with other friends and former co-workers. I can't say, even now, that Blue has ever been anything more than a really good friend. I mean he's super smart and well educated with a side of self deprecation Whenever we did get together to grab dinner or go to the movies, he was always cordial and funny to talk to. But he never really felt like my friend. He knew a lot of the people at the bookstore well before I worked there and he was also in college at the time, so his priorities to that store were not as strong as mine.

In the 3 years since leaving Le Sad Store, I have had very little contact with Blue. Kat hung out with him a few times and bemoaned that he was too boring and talked about history a lot. I would cringe and tell her I was glad he asked her to hang out instead of me. That I couldn't bear having to fill silence with him.

But then a month ago Blue sends me a FB message. He wanted to say hi and see how I was doing and maybe grab dinner. I was hesitant b/c I thought it was a set up (my paranoia is high)  and that he wanted to know why Kat and I were no longer friends. When I agreed to go to dinner with him, it was partly to explain myself if he came at me defensively. I was all ready for my speech. I practiced what I would say to him when the dreaded question came up. I was prepared.

But he didn't talk about her at all. He didn't talk about the bookstore. He literally wanted to catch up because "no one likes to interact in person and that's so strange". He got a new job, and a new car, he traveled to Iceland. He is a little lonely b.c it's hard to maintain friends in your 30's. Especially when everyone is settling down. And If i can be honest, I may have accepted the invitation because I am a little lonely as well. Since the falling out with Kat, I feel like the one in the friendship who has lost friends because they all belong to her. I am thankful for my good friend Chantal who I see every weekend but she is lonely as well. She recently had a kid and I think all of her friends abandoned her once the kid arrived. I love kids and I adore her, and I just assumed any hangouts in the future would heavily involve her son which does not bother me at all.

But outside of her my days are spent working at a job i don't like and going home. It is a solitary and often lonely existence and I may be in need of companionship.Whatever that means. I am worried about my alone-ness. I am worried I will get so used to the silence, I will shun the friendship of love from others. I think about the idea of a tribe all the time. And that everyone around me seems to be a part of a community while I continue trekking alone. But I think i want to belong, not necessarily to everyone or thing but I have this urge of belonging and being needed and wanted by some.

And perhaps Blue is doing the same thing or looking for the same thing. Perhaps that is why dinner has quickly turned into dinners and constant communication and dear I say....companionship. I had a completely shit filled Saturday and intended to spend the rest  of Sunday sulking because of car issues and health issues and general sickness. But Blue texted me just as I was about to curl into bed and sleep the boredom away. He wanted to know if I wanted to go to a Museum and walk around the city and idk "something adventurous" and instead of saying no I told him I was more than ready to go with him.

And the evening was pretty fucking magical and nice and there was a moment of what can only be described as contentment. We decided to sit on this yellow bench outside of a beer garden and he was open to questions i've been too embarrassed to ask my friends and family. He was attentive and empathetic and a little goofy. He draped his arm around my shoulder and we listen to the wind blow the leaves past our feet. I was sweaty, in this black sweater that I'd be napping in only hours before. The hair on his arms were matted by the humidity. We talked about art and politics and intimacy.  We talked about intimacy a lot. I felt flushed. We ended the night eating delicious goulash at the beer garden. The waiter put a candle on our table and I tried to memorize how the light hit his face. I told him it was the perfect day and he agreed.

Ya'll I am shook'th.  And i'm so fucking confused. And I don't know what anything means. Nothing happened after he drove me home. I said I had a good time and clumsily ran out of the car. I showered and ate cereal before bed and I struggled to go to sleep and when I could I dreamed of candle light and the color blue. The waking part of my night was spent thinking about his dumb face and the ease and comfort of the day and I felt foolish and dumb and anxious. I have little experience in the boy department. Sean set a bad precedent and I have no clue what to do with the opposite sex that is normal and healthy. I have no idea what to do with Blue.

To be fair there is no indication that Blue regards any of this as something more than casual hanging out. I know that I am a person easily swept up my by emotions and feelings. I have come to accept that I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I have come to accept that sometimes I see signs where there are none, I make connections where connections shouldn't be made. We were just two people enjoying each others company. He was polite and kind and dare I say eager for connection. But dammit all to hell, if I haven't gone and messed it all up with my stupid feelings and desires. I have no choice but to play it by ear. This could be nothing, absolutely nothing. I just am not sure if I want it to be nothing

Monday, October 02, 2017

The World's A Mess

And it's hard to write anything when it feels like the world is literally on fire. 

I'm sorry. 

Friday, August 25, 2017

So it Goes

Ugh, my crush (whom i'm supposed to go apple picking with in a few weeks) turns out to a total cad and now I am devastated and eating a box of cookies while CNN warns me of deadly storm in Texas. Boy is a graphic designer by day and a poet by heart. But today he  tells me an awful story of cad-like ways which include bedding a lot of women without a desire to commit. Excited that I dodged a bullet but crushed that for a brief moment there was a boy that had potential to be more.

Le sigh.