Sunday, March 31, 2019

Extraordinary Birthday Month















words to follow but honestly I don't think they will even begin to conjure up how magically this month was. I am a lucky woman. 

Friday, March 01, 2019

Saturday, February 23, 2019

33

Sorry for the lack of posts or photo only posts or that now deleted vague Valentine's Day posts. Life has a tendency of getting in the way of writing and honestly it is becoming harder to document the going on's in my life as much as I would like too.

But because I could never completely abandon this space I thought I'd update anyone who continues to read this blog with what's new in mu life.

I am doing pretty well these days though I do have my moments of sheer fuckery and insanity. My job is still an utter mess of disorganization and poor management. I have considered quitting at least 5 times this month alone because of frustrations with my boss and employees. But because I still like making money so I can shop every weekend at Target stress free, I have not begun a new job search.

My friend at the University recently had an opening in her department but she sort of convinced me not to apply based on her own disdain for her boss and job. I honestly have to figure out sooner than later what my long-term career prospects are. I'm at that annoying age where not only are people hounding me about relationship status and child bearing plans but I keep hearing things about 401k's and retirement (thanks to my mom nearing the age of retirement). It's sort of stressful.

I turn 33 in a few days and the old adage about age really holds up. I have no idea where the years have gone. More than ten years ago I was anxious to graduate college and move to the big city and in a blink of an eye I am on the brink of 33 with little to no real understanding of what I want yet. I know that I need to look for a more stable job soon but I also am dreading the job search even if I am in a better position than I was a few years ago.

When I am not wigging out about work, I am still hanging out with Tim daily. We got past our little rough patch in October and have grown closer these past few months. I helped him decorate his apartment for Christmas and spent New Years Eve at his place playing adult charades and drinking white wine. It was the most fun I have had in a very long time.

His bisexuality continues to make things a tad bit murky between us. I am attracted to him and comfortable around him despite his romantic attraction to men. It'd be easier to keep my insane feelings at bay if he weren't so suggestive but Tim is flirty and sexual perhaps because I am not an actual romantic interest.

 A few weeks ago he got a adult sized bed (finally) and I agreed to help him build the new frame. The new bed of course now takes up most of his bedroom so our ability to sit in a pillow fort has all but vanished.We both  agreed that we'd be comfortable sharing a bed together and could make a bed fort instead and that it wouldn't be weird. But of course it is. It is very weird. We spend most of the time in bed accidentally spooning, and touching and making googling eyes and it makes me all very confused during these moments of intimacy.

 Last weekend the two of us went to the city to do Karaoke but all the Karaoke bars we wanted to hit up were booked. Instead we ended up at this club that played 80s music and spent most of the evening dancing close eyes locked the whole time. I feel seen in front of him and because of this level of intimacy it's hard to tell whether he reads into any of this as much as I do.

Luckily, the confusion and ambiguity is only 15% of our relationship. When I'm not embarrassingly wondering where he could ever see himself with me romantically or interpreting what he meant when he touched me there or looked at me that or said that one thing.... I am complaining to my mom about how defensive and immature he can sometimes be. He has a million and one walls up and sometimes it is either his way or no way which can be stifling.

 He is a very overwhelming and commanding person and most times I am just glad we are only friends but he seems like a difficult and needy partner. Despite this, I adore him immensely and am learning so much more about myself being around him. We still spend the majority of our time drinking wine and watching South Park or Game of Thrones or the Golden Girls but it is some of the best nights i've had.

Because I don't want to put myself in a position of liking an attainable boy i made the decision to join a dating site in January. I know, i know, i know I told myself and damn near everyone around me that I would not participate in online dating but to be honest it's been an easy transition. I haven't had any nightmare interactions yet  (some sexual innuendos yes. but nothing to worthy to recount) and I can definitely see why people join them. You can find anything and one on these sites. If you just want to hook up there's a app! If you want to find dates there's an app! If you want to find a more stable relationship...there's an app!

I don't really know how to measure my success on these apps so far. I am not really interested in meeting anyone in person unless I have vetted them thoroughly. Unfortunately the only snag in these apps is things tend to move quickly. Just last week someone literally asked me to meet them at a bar even though we hadn't exchanged any information about each other. Obviously this was a red flag and I immediately blocked him.

 There was a boy I really really liked who Tim and I call TRPP (based on his name). We talked for a few weeks and planned to meet up soon but then he ghosted me. I should have known better after he told me he thought he was still in love with his ex girlfriend but ya'll he was so damn cute. It wasn't that I was giving him a pass or anything but I was totally down for a casual dating situation. no strings attached. Obviously after a week of radio silence I figured he ghosted me and I quickly moved on despite the slight. I am not sure dating apps are for me but like most things these days I am open to change and new possibilities.

In a few days I turn 33 and while I know I have so much more to experience and share and learn, I am happy with where I am at now. I am happy. I can only hope that things fall into place as they are supposed to when they are supposed to. But for right now I am trudging along trying to make the best out of what I have. 

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Ms. December









My successful attempt at turning an otherwise stressful, heartbreaking and depressing month into one filled with love, happiness and remembrance. 

Thursday, December 06, 2018

Happy 26th + 7

How have seven whole years passed? 

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Matt

Text Message
Saturday 11:09 AM

Wanna go to the movies this Tuesday to watch [insert movie here]

Text Message from Me:
Saturday 7:30 PM

I can't. I actually have a minor surgical thing this week and will be out of commission.

Text Message:
Sunday 7:35AM

Good luck with that

Text Message Response from Me:
Sunday 7:37AM

I'll make sure I tell that to my [insert body part that is being surgical excised].


Post Script:  Matt is now blocked. again. permanently.