it never ceases to amaze me the useless drama that people bring to a situation just because. While this is nowhere near Not A Date Gate, last night was a mix of downright awesome and fucking ridiculous.
When we all agreed that we wanted to see Star Trek we were sort of iffy on the plans preceding the actual movie. Our local theater was doing several showings yesterday so the only concrete plan we had was that we'd catch the last showing at 10pm (to accommodate any one who was working that day).
"Topher", the big star trek nerdy fan who was the leader behind the outing, is sort of a spaz when it comes to organizing shit. He was so concerned about what we would all be wearing that he didn't really take into account that we would all be lingering around for at least 5 hours until the movie started. Michelle and I requested the day off weeks in advance. Topher, his annoying Girlfriend, Sean and another co-worker all got off work between 2pm and 5. And the last member of our crew, Rich, was going to come to the store around 5.
I hate being at work when I am not scheduled to work. It's dumb and it's tacky and it makes me look like i do not have a life outside of the store. Topher is there all the time. He has actually requested days off and then sat in the break room for four hours doing nothing. For the past week I've been asking him about what we should do before the movie. I wanted to hit up my favorite bar and grill around 6, eat, drink and hang out with them there until 9 where we would then all head to the theater in preparation for the movie.
Topher did not want to do this. He wanted us all to meet him and his annoying Girlfriend at the store at 4, where we would watch the first Star Trek movie in the break room. Then we would grab food from this crap shit burger place nearby, bring the food back to the break room and hang out there taking dumb pictures of all of us in our costume until the movie started. I immediately told him i was not down for this plan. I was not going to sit in the break room, on my day off, for five hours.
The fact that some of us took off, requested to open or were simply not working that day suggested to me that we shouldn't then hang out at work until our movie started. I told Sean I wasn't going to just hang around the store until 10pm. I'd go to the mall. Go home. See another movie before our movie started before sitting in the break room listening to Topher and his annoying girlfriend talk for five hours. I wasn't going to do it. And Sean agreed that Tophers plan was less then ideal.
A few weeks ago Sean offered to give me his old TV as he was getting a new one with the money he got back from his tax return. The boy is in my room a lot and while he thinks my space is very awesome...he hates my small TV. Every time he walks in my room he looks at my small, hunched back television with scorn. He won't even watch TV on it. We'll huddle around my wide screen laptop instead. So when he offered to give me his television I think it had more to do with him than me. We haven't had time to actually get and set up the TV from his house though so we both agreed that we'd do that before the movie instead of hanging out in the break room. And after we settled our business we'd meet everyone back when it was time to eat.
So yesterday, despite the nerves, I meet Sean at the store so we could go to his house and pick up the television. He wanted me to bring my Xbox as well because his PS3 did not work on the television and he was concerned my console wouldn't either. As I walk into the break room Topher's annoying Girlfriend is talking about herself as usual but before I too can get sucked into the void that is her voice, Sean comes into the breakroom and says we need to go.
The next three hours were completely awesome. The events are worthy of a completely different post! I had the boy all to myself for 3 hours and I can't lie that I like the attention. I met and embarrassed myself in front of his parents (i think I was still sort of adorable though) and i was even asked to stay for dinner. We all played fetch with his dog and made fun of Taylor Swift. It was nice and I didn't feel like an intruder. Finally, we got down to business and the boy revealed the TV he was giving to me. It's seriously like a brand new television. Flat screen. Really big. I'm not great at describing electronics. As long as something works i don't really care about how new it is. But boy oh boy is this thing beautiful. We tested my Xbox on it and when it worked we played a game I brought along to test out.
Time sort of got the best of us and around 6:30 Topher sends me a text asking where we are. I tell him we are still in the Bronx but that we'll be there in an hour. He says fine because they decided to head to a restaurant instead for food so we should start making our way back. I sigh and tell Sean we got to go. We lug the TV and my console into his car, I go back to say goodbye to his folks and then we head to my house to drop off everything and then head to the store.
Now at this point I am still under the impression that they are going to be at the restaurant for a while. I mean I've gone out drinking and eating and have stayed at said place for hours. I text Michelle, who also did not want to hang around the store for five hours, and tell her to meet up with Sean and I at the store. When we get there she is waiting in the music department. I tell her I just have to change into my costume and then we'll join everyone and get food.
But when we walk into the break room guess who is there...Topher, Annoying Girl, Rich and the other Guy. Just sitting there as if we hadn't made plans to grab dinner. So I ask if they were waiting for us to get there before they head to the restaurant. Annoying Girlfriend rolls her eyes and Topher says "no, we went on ahead and ate without you guys".
Are. You. Fucking. Serious.
I turn to Sean with the most exasperated look ever. Sean shrugs his shoulder starts going through the fridge for stuff he can eat. Michelle is pissed. She tells Topher that that is fucked up because he just sent us the text an hour ago saying to meet him. How did they order, eat and leave in the 60 minutes it took us to get there? She then storms out the breakroom with everyone looking at me in shock and annoyance.
I tell Topher that Sean, Michelle and I will grab something really quick from the cafe but that they should have waited. I go into the hallway where Michelle is fuming and I tell her to follow me to the bathroom so we can talk while I change into my costume. In the bathroom me and Michelle complain about the fuckupedness of the situation. I say that without any concrete plans from Topher (or his annoying parrot of a girlfriend) I was not going to just hang around the store all day. They can't be mad at us for showing up when we did and they shouldn't have taken said frustrations out by having dinner without us.
During this exchange Annoying Girlfriend walks into the bathroom. I pick up on Michelle's sudden we'll talk about this later tone and I shut up cause I know AG is listening. When she leaves Michelle says that she probably heard what we said and is going back to tell Topher. I tell her I don't care because everyone already knew that I was not going to hang out in the store . Of course when we exit the bathroom and head back into the breakroom Annoying Girlfriend, Topher and Rich decide they need a smoke and walk out like a gang of assholes to talk shit about us.
When I asked why they got up and left Sean, looking visibly pissed, said I know what 'i did' and that he is not getting involved (as usual). I bout gave up on the whole night after this. I was beyond livid. I couldn't even hide my frustration because once again here I was making things worse when I hadn't even done anything.
When Topher, AG and Rich return I go up to Topher and ask him if there is a "problem" (oh, interesting fact these days I do not avoid confrontation. If I have an issue with any one or vice versa I am all about talking the shit out instead of letting it linger. I just don't have the time to be passive about arguments. If we are going to do it, I'd rather do it now and quick). He looks taken aback and says coyly "no, i don't know what you are talking about". I say "well, since we got here things have been very awkward and weird and cliquey. I told you beforehand I had plans. If it was a problem then you should have said something instead of waiting til we got here to give us the cold shoulder. I also don't need words being put in my mouth. If you have a problem you talk to me about it. It's a fucking movie. Let's just enjoy the fucking movie".
And then I stomped away. I'm not sure if my speech actually changed how we all felt about the situation but we pretended for the next four hours to enjoy each other company. But because of the exchange beforehand I couldn't really enjoy Space...the final frontier. I mean it was good and Benedict Cumberbatch was amazing but i was uber annoyed by Topher, AG and Rich. When we are around multiple people Sean sort of shuts down, brings up his girlfriend a lot and is not as attentive to me so I couldn't even enjoy sitting next to him. Michelle keep squealing every time Benedict Cumberbatch came on screen and the other guy with us....poor guy, I sort of forgot he was there.
After the movie Topher and AG make a Beeline for the exit and don't even wait for us. My head hurts from all the explosions and fast action shots from the movie and I've mentally checked out. When we finally catch up to the ashats Topher asks us....lord give me strength...to give us his costumes back. He actually wanted his costumes back right then and there. We already knew they weren't ours to keep but he couldn't let us at least bring them back to him the next day.
I was not wearing anything under my costume so i dared him, in front of his girl, to take it from me if he really wanted it. He didn't. I did have to give him back the earrings he let me borrow though and the boys ended up stripping in the lobby of the theater and handed over their shirts. It was the dumbest thing I have ever witnessed and/or been a part of.
I hate how quickly things went from being awesome and amazing to complete and utter shit. I also hate how I ended up being responsible for a least some of the the awkwardness because I was being honest.
Ugh. Ugh. and more Ugh.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Into Darkness
I feel like I might puke from nerves.
Tonight we are all going to the midinight-ish showing of Star Trek. My friend, who is a huge star trek nerd, spent a crap load of money buying us these ridiculous costumes to wear because he thought it'd be fun if we made a whole event out of a movie we all want to see .
Sean and I are donning blue star trek uniforms. Sean and I are also hanging out before the movie starts. Then we are meeting up with said geeky friends for dinner right before the movie.
Why does this feel like Valentines Day all over again, except hopefully there won't be any tears or me threatening to break doors out of anger and embarrassment.
One day i wish to be a functioning human being who does not get severe anxiety over social gatherings. While i have been waiting and preparing for this day for months I am a ball full of awful nerves now that the movie is mere hours away.
What the hell I am I suppose to do with Sean for 4 hours (don't answer that). Am i actually expected to wear this star trek outfit the whole night. Why the hell did i decide to wear a mini skirt with it instead of leggings. Why am I sweating. I haven't even left work left to meet up with the boy so we can head back to his house.
Why am i going to his house. Why isn't there a manual of how to conduct oneself in public. I should not be allowed out of the house based on how poorly i behave in big groups. I get sullen and tired and I want to retreat home quickly.
But i hate that every time I am out with this boy he has to compensate for my anxiety. I want there to be at least one outing where I am not a hot mess of tears and regret.
I am not a religious girl but Dear God Lady Ma'am please let tonight go well. Please give me the strength to just have fun and enjoy an outing with my friends. Please don't let me barf on anyone. And please, please let Sean think I am uber pretty in this stupid over sized costume. If you could help an awkward girl out that would be great.
~Beckett
Tonight we are all going to the midinight-ish showing of Star Trek. My friend, who is a huge star trek nerd, spent a crap load of money buying us these ridiculous costumes to wear because he thought it'd be fun if we made a whole event out of a movie we all want to see .
Sean and I are donning blue star trek uniforms. Sean and I are also hanging out before the movie starts. Then we are meeting up with said geeky friends for dinner right before the movie.
Why does this feel like Valentines Day all over again, except hopefully there won't be any tears or me threatening to break doors out of anger and embarrassment.
One day i wish to be a functioning human being who does not get severe anxiety over social gatherings. While i have been waiting and preparing for this day for months I am a ball full of awful nerves now that the movie is mere hours away.
What the hell I am I suppose to do with Sean for 4 hours (don't answer that). Am i actually expected to wear this star trek outfit the whole night. Why the hell did i decide to wear a mini skirt with it instead of leggings. Why am I sweating. I haven't even left work left to meet up with the boy so we can head back to his house.
Why am i going to his house. Why isn't there a manual of how to conduct oneself in public. I should not be allowed out of the house based on how poorly i behave in big groups. I get sullen and tired and I want to retreat home quickly.
But i hate that every time I am out with this boy he has to compensate for my anxiety. I want there to be at least one outing where I am not a hot mess of tears and regret.
I am not a religious girl but Dear God Lady Ma'am please let tonight go well. Please give me the strength to just have fun and enjoy an outing with my friends. Please don't let me barf on anyone. And please, please let Sean think I am uber pretty in this stupid over sized costume. If you could help an awkward girl out that would be great.
~Beckett
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Good Grief
So a few months ago Sean decided he wanted to join the Air force and despite my selfish reservations (well, how will that include me) I could understand his desire to move on from life at the bookstore.
Cause if i can be brutally honest the book selling business isn't going well. I literally overheard my manager talking to someone on the phone about how poorly our store is doing and that drastic measures would have to be taken if we were going to stay in business. This is a terrifying thing to hear your store manager say. I mean even though I have a second job and another form of income the bookstore has been my life for the past four years and the thought of it closing scares the shit of out me.
I haven't really been looking for a full time position since I got this job at the law school. I'll admit I've been skating on the comfort zone of two part time jobs. But the reality is the eventually I'll have to make actual money. I want my own apartment and a car and a cat named Jack. I can't afford any of those things on the income I make.
And lately Sean has been on this same 'i need to be doing something with my life' boat. Except unlike like my approach (looking for a better job) the boy wants to join the Military though he has never had any interest in it. When I met him four years ago he wanted to be a fireman. Soon after he wanted to work for his dad's company. Then he wanted to be a Police Officer. When all of these did not work out for some reason or another he settled on joining the Air Force because when he was a kid he wanted to be a pilot and the Air Force could make that happen quickly.
I have not been entirely supportive of this plan because of a million and one reason and last week when he told me he had been disqualified as a candidate for the Air Force because of his medical history (kidney stones).... I was relieved. I'm not going to lie, I was relieved. It's hard enough having the relationship I have with him with his girlfriend still in the picture. I feel like I'm competing in a race I am never going to win because the course of the race keep changing or worse the finish line keeps moving and I lack any idea where i am headed.
And if it weren't for all these stupid mixed messages I would literally stop being so consumed by him. But I can't help but feel confused by this boy based on the last couple of months. I mean he asked me to move in with him. He is always making an excuse to spend time with me. I spent the night at his house. He is always at mine.. He is the most affectionate and distant boy. And it is hard having all the particles of this boy. It's almost unbearable having him as a part time boy with none of the benefits (none. of. the. benefits) and I really really really want to reap the benefits.
So the thought of him going away for 5 or 10 years to join the military is frightening because I don't have a hold on him now. He is just this guy within my reach who keeps pulling away while I continue to hang on to the idea of him and us. I thought once the Air Force thing didn't work out he would drop the whole military thing. I thought maybe he would decide to just apply to things locally. But today I stopped by the store to finalize plans with him on Thursday. We were planning on going to his house to watch a movie before meeting up with people from work. He tells me though we may not be able to head to his house because he is going in for his physical on Thursday to join the Navy.
When they fuck did he decide to join the Navy?
His recruiter called him just before I showed up and told him that he'd have to go to Brooklyn all day Thursday for this physical and that if he passes he will be accepted to the Navy and sent off to boot camp in October (or even as early as July). He assured me that he will still be able to attend the late night showing of Star Trek but that he will have to pick me up later than he expected.
I got the sense that he wanted me to be happy about this Navy thing. He keep looking for a reaction on my face that read excitement. Instead I couldn't hide my apprehension. I don't know why this boy can't tell how much I honestly care about him because he doesn't get it. He has absolutely no clue. And now here is he planning on going away for how ever many years to live on a boat. A boat.
This has suddenly depressed the shit out of me. I hate that when i'm with him I feel like I am trying to prove that I am good enough. Because if I were good enough maybe he'd take a chance on me and leave his girlfriend just so we can try things out the right way. And i'm also not enough for him to stay and get a civilian job so he can be close to...me.
Cause if i can be brutally honest the book selling business isn't going well. I literally overheard my manager talking to someone on the phone about how poorly our store is doing and that drastic measures would have to be taken if we were going to stay in business. This is a terrifying thing to hear your store manager say. I mean even though I have a second job and another form of income the bookstore has been my life for the past four years and the thought of it closing scares the shit of out me.
I haven't really been looking for a full time position since I got this job at the law school. I'll admit I've been skating on the comfort zone of two part time jobs. But the reality is the eventually I'll have to make actual money. I want my own apartment and a car and a cat named Jack. I can't afford any of those things on the income I make.
And lately Sean has been on this same 'i need to be doing something with my life' boat. Except unlike like my approach (looking for a better job) the boy wants to join the Military though he has never had any interest in it. When I met him four years ago he wanted to be a fireman. Soon after he wanted to work for his dad's company. Then he wanted to be a Police Officer. When all of these did not work out for some reason or another he settled on joining the Air Force because when he was a kid he wanted to be a pilot and the Air Force could make that happen quickly.
I have not been entirely supportive of this plan because of a million and one reason and last week when he told me he had been disqualified as a candidate for the Air Force because of his medical history (kidney stones).... I was relieved. I'm not going to lie, I was relieved. It's hard enough having the relationship I have with him with his girlfriend still in the picture. I feel like I'm competing in a race I am never going to win because the course of the race keep changing or worse the finish line keeps moving and I lack any idea where i am headed.
And if it weren't for all these stupid mixed messages I would literally stop being so consumed by him. But I can't help but feel confused by this boy based on the last couple of months. I mean he asked me to move in with him. He is always making an excuse to spend time with me. I spent the night at his house. He is always at mine.. He is the most affectionate and distant boy. And it is hard having all the particles of this boy. It's almost unbearable having him as a part time boy with none of the benefits (none. of. the. benefits) and I really really really want to reap the benefits.
So the thought of him going away for 5 or 10 years to join the military is frightening because I don't have a hold on him now. He is just this guy within my reach who keeps pulling away while I continue to hang on to the idea of him and us. I thought once the Air Force thing didn't work out he would drop the whole military thing. I thought maybe he would decide to just apply to things locally. But today I stopped by the store to finalize plans with him on Thursday. We were planning on going to his house to watch a movie before meeting up with people from work. He tells me though we may not be able to head to his house because he is going in for his physical on Thursday to join the Navy.
When they fuck did he decide to join the Navy?
His recruiter called him just before I showed up and told him that he'd have to go to Brooklyn all day Thursday for this physical and that if he passes he will be accepted to the Navy and sent off to boot camp in October (or even as early as July). He assured me that he will still be able to attend the late night showing of Star Trek but that he will have to pick me up later than he expected.
I got the sense that he wanted me to be happy about this Navy thing. He keep looking for a reaction on my face that read excitement. Instead I couldn't hide my apprehension. I don't know why this boy can't tell how much I honestly care about him because he doesn't get it. He has absolutely no clue. And now here is he planning on going away for how ever many years to live on a boat. A boat.
This has suddenly depressed the shit out of me. I hate that when i'm with him I feel like I am trying to prove that I am good enough. Because if I were good enough maybe he'd take a chance on me and leave his girlfriend just so we can try things out the right way. And i'm also not enough for him to stay and get a civilian job so he can be close to...me.
Monday, May 13, 2013
April Retrospect/ May Happenings
Sorry for my general lack of posting these days.
Its weird to think that there was a time when I could post once or twice a day and now I can barely even do one lame post a month.
I wish I could say it's because I've so busy and life is so exciting and I just have no time to write but that would be a lie. I have at least four hours a day to write or read or draw silly things while I am at my other job especially now that it is the end of the semester.
The truth is I've been suffering from a writers block lately. I have all these thoughts that want to go somewhere and become something but for some reason I cannot adequately get from thought a to b without this blank space invading it. I also am afraid of writing. I am afraid of documenting things down because it use to make me so happy and bring so much calm and I feel alien to that feeling these days.
I've been writing daily in my moleskin journals but even then my words come out like the incomplete rantings of a love-lorned, angsty, 20 something year old girl. These daily musings are pretty embarrassing, crazy and slightly depressing and I don't quite know how to expand these thoughts into longer more flushed out passages, hence the lack of writing.
It also doesn't help that Spring depresses the shit out of me. Now that winter has officially given way to spring the warm weather, sun and the scantily clothed girls walking about has brought my mood down a bit. I remember my mom telling me once that my aunt (her younger sister) suffers from Seasonal Depression and I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of being sad because the sun isn't out.
But after living with my aunt for a year I could see the difference in her mood and personality based on the season. She thrives during warmer weather. She is chirpier and nicer and pleasant to be around when the sun was out. When I lived with her she had plans everyday for my cousin and i to go out and enjoy the sun. Come winter however, my aunt would become the bitchiest of ice queens. She slept a lot. Complained about everything aching. And seemed the most irritated by my presence during Fall and Winter. It was during the end of fall that I was asked to leave her house and while I have never been happier, her moodiness during the last few weeks I lived with her was torturous.
But now that Spring is here and I am feeling more sullen and grumpy then usual, I am beginning to think that I too suffer from some form of this Seasonal Depression thing. I have little to no motivation to do anything now that the sun is out and the streets are alive with people. I'd prefer to stay inside all day, under the covers, and listen to whatever is playing on the television. I have even thought about replacing my lace window curtains with darker ones because I am unnerved by how bright my room is during the day.
I have always been like this partly because of my introversion and partly because of anxiety. While neither have been as extreme as they were in college, they are still things I suffer from. Every once in a while I will have a panic attack at work or in crowded places. I can get absolutely (and irrationally) overwhelmed buy the simplest of thoughts. And lately, I don't feel 'good enough' for any one person. I do not like a lot of people and for that reason I fear not living up to the expectations of the small few I do care about. And now that summer is just around the corner and I have social gatherings and birthdays and my mom's impending trip to New York (Sean and I are picking her up. Sean is going to meet me mom. I am dying of nerves) I am consumed with the blues. The blues!
While i enjoy all the movement and activity of my current life For the most part I enjoy the pleasure of my own company. I still have very loner tendencies and am exhausted by people quickly. I am afraid that I won't be able to satisfy anyone. I am not sure how to be the me who is quiet and pensive amongst my crowd of very demanding friends. Kat is still dealing with her boy drama. Sean is still confused Sean. My bosses at Le Sad Store are driving me crazy. And there is so much chatter coming from every single person in my very small life that I feel consumed and lost in it all. It is literally wearing me thin. I am going to have to figure out how to balance it all.
The biggest issues as of late is the Kat drama (go figure). The other week she told me that she could no longer talk to Preacher Boy because her boyfriend found out about their late night chats. She was completely and utterly devastated that the possibility of them hooking up was over. She spent the whole week crying. She called out from work. And she told me she was going to disappear for a while because she couldn't deal with having to 'end' things with Preacher boy.
Yesterday we went to see the Great Gatsby. The theater is located around the corner from our store. I wanted to go to the earliest show possible because I wanted time to go home, take a nap before my closing shift. She didn't want to go to the showing at noon. I didn't question why and agreed to go to a later show.
She shows up at my house all dressed up and I am confused. Did i get the wrong memo? Are we not just going to the movies? Is there a dress code at the theater? Why is she wearing makeup. On the way there she tells me that the movie is 2 hours and 30 minutes long and that she wants to stop by the store afterwards. I don't question why because I also want to drop in to check my schedule for the night. When the movie is over she says she has to run to her car to put on makeup. I ask why, she turns to me and said '...cause -youknowwho- starts his shift in a few minutes. I just want to run in, have him see me all dressed up and you, know, leave---"
My eyes almost rolled up in the back of my head out of sheer exasperation. She coordinated what time we'd see the movie in time to coincidentally run into Preacher boy. So we end up going to the store after she applies her face with makeup so that she could literally walk by him (neither one of them spoke), have him hear us talk about the movie and leave. It was embarrassing.
On the drive home I tell her that I don't want to be involved in any more of the Preacher Boy happenings. I just don't have the energy to juggle my boy happenings and mishaps and shake ups with the back and forth happenings of the never ending Preacher Boy saga especially because I like her boyfriend (he took us both out for crepes and then to the park to watch the sunset just because he wanted to know who his girlfriends best friend is. I mean come on!) and am not really on Preachers Boys team especially because he's married and now a manager at our store. She seemed taken a back by this. And then asked what my sudden change in attitude was all about.
I told her that I enjoy being her friend and hanging out with her but that I can't continue doing this truly immature and childish cat and mouse game with the boys we like. I can't keep enabling her and myself to dabble in relationships that aren't healthy. It just doesn't seem fair anymore. For either of us. I said all of this yesterday. I wish the honesty of my words relieved me more than terrified me. I just feel like I am growing up and I want more meaningful connections and in order to get them I am going to have to be more truthful with the people around me and to myself.
I am going to try and write more. I really want to be able to look back at this time in my life with a record of all the good and bad in my life. I miss when writing was this calming thing. It was a way for me to express in the real world. And now I have all this real world stuff happening and I can't seem to find the words to describe what it all feels and looks like. But I will do my best.
Its weird to think that there was a time when I could post once or twice a day and now I can barely even do one lame post a month.
I wish I could say it's because I've so busy and life is so exciting and I just have no time to write but that would be a lie. I have at least four hours a day to write or read or draw silly things while I am at my other job especially now that it is the end of the semester.
The truth is I've been suffering from a writers block lately. I have all these thoughts that want to go somewhere and become something but for some reason I cannot adequately get from thought a to b without this blank space invading it. I also am afraid of writing. I am afraid of documenting things down because it use to make me so happy and bring so much calm and I feel alien to that feeling these days.
I've been writing daily in my moleskin journals but even then my words come out like the incomplete rantings of a love-lorned, angsty, 20 something year old girl. These daily musings are pretty embarrassing, crazy and slightly depressing and I don't quite know how to expand these thoughts into longer more flushed out passages, hence the lack of writing.
It also doesn't help that Spring depresses the shit out of me. Now that winter has officially given way to spring the warm weather, sun and the scantily clothed girls walking about has brought my mood down a bit. I remember my mom telling me once that my aunt (her younger sister) suffers from Seasonal Depression and I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of being sad because the sun isn't out.
But after living with my aunt for a year I could see the difference in her mood and personality based on the season. She thrives during warmer weather. She is chirpier and nicer and pleasant to be around when the sun was out. When I lived with her she had plans everyday for my cousin and i to go out and enjoy the sun. Come winter however, my aunt would become the bitchiest of ice queens. She slept a lot. Complained about everything aching. And seemed the most irritated by my presence during Fall and Winter. It was during the end of fall that I was asked to leave her house and while I have never been happier, her moodiness during the last few weeks I lived with her was torturous.
But now that Spring is here and I am feeling more sullen and grumpy then usual, I am beginning to think that I too suffer from some form of this Seasonal Depression thing. I have little to no motivation to do anything now that the sun is out and the streets are alive with people. I'd prefer to stay inside all day, under the covers, and listen to whatever is playing on the television. I have even thought about replacing my lace window curtains with darker ones because I am unnerved by how bright my room is during the day.
I have always been like this partly because of my introversion and partly because of anxiety. While neither have been as extreme as they were in college, they are still things I suffer from. Every once in a while I will have a panic attack at work or in crowded places. I can get absolutely (and irrationally) overwhelmed buy the simplest of thoughts. And lately, I don't feel 'good enough' for any one person. I do not like a lot of people and for that reason I fear not living up to the expectations of the small few I do care about. And now that summer is just around the corner and I have social gatherings and birthdays and my mom's impending trip to New York (Sean and I are picking her up. Sean is going to meet me mom. I am dying of nerves) I am consumed with the blues. The blues!
While i enjoy all the movement and activity of my current life For the most part I enjoy the pleasure of my own company. I still have very loner tendencies and am exhausted by people quickly. I am afraid that I won't be able to satisfy anyone. I am not sure how to be the me who is quiet and pensive amongst my crowd of very demanding friends. Kat is still dealing with her boy drama. Sean is still confused Sean. My bosses at Le Sad Store are driving me crazy. And there is so much chatter coming from every single person in my very small life that I feel consumed and lost in it all. It is literally wearing me thin. I am going to have to figure out how to balance it all.
The biggest issues as of late is the Kat drama (go figure). The other week she told me that she could no longer talk to Preacher Boy because her boyfriend found out about their late night chats. She was completely and utterly devastated that the possibility of them hooking up was over. She spent the whole week crying. She called out from work. And she told me she was going to disappear for a while because she couldn't deal with having to 'end' things with Preacher boy.
Yesterday we went to see the Great Gatsby. The theater is located around the corner from our store. I wanted to go to the earliest show possible because I wanted time to go home, take a nap before my closing shift. She didn't want to go to the showing at noon. I didn't question why and agreed to go to a later show.
She shows up at my house all dressed up and I am confused. Did i get the wrong memo? Are we not just going to the movies? Is there a dress code at the theater? Why is she wearing makeup. On the way there she tells me that the movie is 2 hours and 30 minutes long and that she wants to stop by the store afterwards. I don't question why because I also want to drop in to check my schedule for the night. When the movie is over she says she has to run to her car to put on makeup. I ask why, she turns to me and said '...cause -youknowwho- starts his shift in a few minutes. I just want to run in, have him see me all dressed up and you, know, leave---"
My eyes almost rolled up in the back of my head out of sheer exasperation. She coordinated what time we'd see the movie in time to coincidentally run into Preacher boy. So we end up going to the store after she applies her face with makeup so that she could literally walk by him (neither one of them spoke), have him hear us talk about the movie and leave. It was embarrassing.
On the drive home I tell her that I don't want to be involved in any more of the Preacher Boy happenings. I just don't have the energy to juggle my boy happenings and mishaps and shake ups with the back and forth happenings of the never ending Preacher Boy saga especially because I like her boyfriend (he took us both out for crepes and then to the park to watch the sunset just because he wanted to know who his girlfriends best friend is. I mean come on!) and am not really on Preachers Boys team especially because he's married and now a manager at our store. She seemed taken a back by this. And then asked what my sudden change in attitude was all about.
I told her that I enjoy being her friend and hanging out with her but that I can't continue doing this truly immature and childish cat and mouse game with the boys we like. I can't keep enabling her and myself to dabble in relationships that aren't healthy. It just doesn't seem fair anymore. For either of us. I said all of this yesterday. I wish the honesty of my words relieved me more than terrified me. I just feel like I am growing up and I want more meaningful connections and in order to get them I am going to have to be more truthful with the people around me and to myself.
I am going to try and write more. I really want to be able to look back at this time in my life with a record of all the good and bad in my life. I miss when writing was this calming thing. It was a way for me to express in the real world. And now I have all this real world stuff happening and I can't seem to find the words to describe what it all feels and looks like. But I will do my best.
Monday, April 01, 2013
March Madness
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I spent my birthday in the city with Kat. We saw stomp and ate cupcakes and meet a pretty boy named John and laughed the whole night.
The closer Kat and I get the more fearful I am that she has replaced Marie. I feel guilty and sad that Kat has become such a good friend because it constantly reminds me of the one that I lost. After my birthday we had a weird series of fights. Many of which involved my sudden absence. Eventually I apologized and told her I wouldn't disappear again and that she's my best friend. Because despite my loss Kat has been the greatest best friend a girl can have.
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We spent about a week not talking to one another. I was aloof and he was mean. When we finally had no choice but to work together one night everything came to a head. There was yelling and him doing his stupid "well then why are we still talking about this if you don't me around anymore any". Then there were tears and I told him i didn't like where we were heading because I liked him. And he said he loved me and was afraid of fucking things up more so then he had already.
And with that we made up and boy have the last 3 weeks have been amazing. not perfect but pretty effing amazing.
I am not going to say we are dating (because we are not for obvious reasons) but I will say that when he is around I feel happy. I feel stupid and dumb yet happy. He is over my house regularly watching movies or helping me beat video games and I think i adore him.
Just this weekend his parents were away and I was invited over to his house for a 'slumber' party. We were up until 4am watching shows and talking about everything. I have never loved and been so conflicted by a boy in my whole entire life. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I know that I cannot and will not wait around for him to make a move. But i also know that I can't imagine him not being around.
So he is around. A lot. And that is his dog pictured above. And his couch. And my warm legs under his blanket. And it's wrong. And i am going to get hurt. But i like him.
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I am eating better. and sleeping better. and consuming my vitamins. I want to either join a gym or take a class of some sort. Kat and I want to give archery a try even though my wrist is still giving me issues.
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I am experiencing things that are very new and terrifying but I am happy.
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Friday, March 01, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
About Last Night
So, where do i begin. From the beginning I suspect. That always seems to be the best place.
So, the last couple of days have been hell. There has been a lot of crying and fuming and throwing things followed by watching re-runs of buffy and listening to Dave Matthews. I'm not a drinker but i've wanted nothing more than to drown the last few days in a bottle of something that burns going down. It's been that kind of week.
Last Thursday Sean and I hung out on Valentines Day.When he asked me to go to see a movie with him I was a) elated and b) weird-ed out that on all the days for us to officially hang out outside of the comfort of my room, his car or work he decided Valentine's Day would be the perfect time. I will always like this boy. I know this. Whatever idea or image of him that i've created in my head will not be shaken until we have both gone our separate ways. Until he joins the air-force or I find a guy who likes me back or he ups and marries big head.
Until then i am stuck in the place where I am trying to be his friend because I am nothing else to him. I wish that I were but I am not. But i am not sure he is use to having friends or if he is use to having people around whose only want is to be around him. So when he asked me to go to the movies Thursday, because his girlfriend didn't want to hang out with him, I jumped at the chance to because in my mind it meant something. I may not be the girl for him but I am a girl that he enjoys hanging out with. The things I'll settle for.
Anyway, the day itself was actually pretty great. I spent all of Wednesday expecting him to bail but he called right before and asked me if we were still on for the movies. I said yeah as long as it wasn't weird or awkward for him (or his girlfriend) and we planned to meet up after I got out of work to see Die Hard. I decided to dress very casually so he wouldn't think i mistook this as a date (skinny jeans. brown boots. blouse). I also took out money so that I could buy my own ticket as soon as i got to the theater. While a little part of me wanted to believe that this was some semi date with Sean, i knew in the back of my mind that I would be disappointed that it wasn't. So i kept telling myself that we were just going as two friends who didn't want to sit at home alone on Vday. We were just two people who like being around each other who wanted to see Die Hard.
I text him Thursday afternoon to tell him i am on my way to the theater. I, of course, get there first and because i haven't heard anything from him the whole day about meeting up i start to panic. He did say he wanted to see a movie right? Maybe he has changed his mind? Maybe i am being stood up? To ease my mind, I purchase my ticket and then run to the bathroom to breathe. The movie started at 5:20, it was only 5:00. I figured I would give him 15 minutes to show up and then i'd leave.
By 5:10 i still hadn't heard anything. This is where my panic slowly turned to depression and I started to gather my things. Just as I am making my way to the door I get a call from him saying he is outside. There was traffic, he couldn't find parking, hang on just a few more minutes i'll be there. When he arrives I am relieved, excited and fucking nervous because now this is real, He too is dressed very casually and he buys his ticket immediately and we head to our seats.
Because i have never hung out with anyone on Valentines Day I am initially surprised by how empty the theater is. Outside of a few couples, Sean and I are the only people under the age of 40 at the movies. I suspect it's because ideal vday plans do not include watching a crappy ass movie in the middle of the day. We take our seats and spend the next two hours awkwardly leaning into each other, whispering and laughing and trying to ignore the occasional leg touch/arm brush here and there on both our parts. I am relieved by how comfortable we are. He turns to me often during the movie and asks "if i am having a good time on our date" and while happy to hear the word, i know he is trying to be funny. But i tell him yes anyway and he brings his forehead to mine and rubs it affectionately.
When the movie ends we wait until the credits roll before getting up. He is convinced there will be some extra clip or something at the end to watch and I sit through every name of every person involved in the making of the movie because the boy is stubborn. As we sit the movie attendants make there way in to start cleaning and he frustratingly says 'can't they see we are on a date. we'll leave when we are ready'.
During the movie he leaned in really close to ask if we could finish watching James Bond at my house afterwards. Of course, still wanting to believe in some part of my mind that he has asked me to hang out because he likes me, I agree. So once we finally leave the theater we grab burgers and fries and head back to my house and like every other time he has been there, we slip into the ease of hanging out. As the movie is playing we ask each other questions about our day. He talks about a book he is reading and looks around my room a lot. I ask if he needs another pillow to support his back. He says he is having a really good time.
In the middle of James Bond he gets a call from his girlfriend and our moment of comfort is stilled while he takes the call. I am not annoyed by this pause but i am curious as to how this conversation is going to play out. I can hear her voice through his phone and she asks how his day is and where he is at. He says that he is hanging out with a friend but will be home soon. She asks if he is hanging out with his friend Cameron (i guess she is not a fan of this friend) and he says no "my friend beckett...is that okay". She replies 'sure, as long as it's not Cameron". Im not even a fucking threat to his girlfriend. She'd rather him spend valentines day with a girl then with a friend he gets drunk with occasionally i am a little peeved by this.
After the phone call he looks a little disinterested in hanging out anymore but he stays another 2 hours so we can surf the net and watch random youtube videos. Around midnight he says he should be getting home but before he leaves he asks if I had a good time. I tell him yes. I ask him if I was okay....to be around, you know, because I am still getting use to this hanging out thing and i feel bad for being the filler. He says I was great and that I made a good date.
That was our night in a nutshell. Very simple and uneventful yet great. And because i am a stupid silly girl with a belief in miracles and special moments I wanted to bottle last Thursday up in a mason jar so I could keep it with me always. When my anxiety was at its peak hanging out with anyone could provoke a panic attack. And here i am four years later hanging out with a boy i like on Valentines Day and I pulled it off. Was i nervous, yes? Did i feel like passing out, um, yes? But I did it and i survived and I was great.
As soon as he is out the door I tell myself that I will not tell anyone outside of Kat and my mom about my really nice Valentines Day for several reasons. 1) ain't no body's business. My job is a poll of gossip. Sean has a girlfriend and despite how casual we attempted to make last Thursday i didn't want to make it weird at work. 2) because we had such a nice time I wanted to keep the day to ourselves. I value my privacy a lot and what I do outside of work with my friends is important to me. Thursday was nice, really nice and the only two people who needed to know this was us.
As soon as I get to work the next day though Kat tells me that Sean asked her what she did on Valentines Day and then proceeded to tell her that we hung and stuff but she added that he said it "as if he wanted to make me jealous". I ask her to explain and she says that she was sitting in the break-room when Sean came in and stood around awkwardly near her. When she looked up from her book he asked her is she was busy. She said yes and then returned to reading. He then asked her what she did on Valentines Day. She said 'nothing, why how was your Valentine's Day" "Oh, it was fun. I had fun. Me and Beckett saw a movie and hung out. You know".
Now Kat already knew about my outing with Sean. Hell she was probably the first person i texted soon after he asked me. She does not like this boy though and has not been very supportive about my feelings for him especially after her falling out with Preacher Guy. Sean in turn doesn't like Kat and for some weird reason he is very threatened by our friendship. It's as if he is in a competition with Kat for who i like to be around more and because my relationship with both is different I don't really understand why he even feels the need to compete. So when Sean told Kat that we'd hung out on Valentines Day he did so to throw it in her face. And of course because Kat hates the boy she replied very angrily
"wow.... that's nice but what did your girlfriend think about it".
The moment that came out of her mouth Sean, i don't know, panicked I think. He kept asking Kat what she meant by her question? Why would his girlfriend think anything of it? She knows what it's like. He only hung out with me because his girlfriend is in Puerto Rico (a fucking lie!) Why would it be weird? I mean, c'mon, it's Beckett.
After Kat finishes telling me what Sean said I am more embarrassed then hurt. Or more hurt then embarrassed I couldn't understand why he felt the need to a) tell Kat that we hung out and then b) justify it by bringing his girlfriend up as if there was no way anything would have ever happened between us because 'i love my girl". Thursday was the most platonic interaction I have ever had with the boy and did not warrant a defense. But because I am use to Sean being a little shit, I let the exchange between them go. Thursday was so awesome that i wouldn't let his moment of panic ruin anything.
When I bump into Sean an hour or so later (by then Kat had left) I pretend as if I haven't seen him in a while. To be honest, I planned on saying little to him the whole night because i still wanted to give him the impression that Thursday wasn't a big deal. But the boy has different plans. He spends the first hour of our shift bringing up our 'date': the movie was terrible right, we had fun, i'm glad we watched james bond, omg can you believe how terrible the movie was, where are you going? can i go, hahaha, we had fun". I am a little annoyed because i saw no need for us to talk about Thursday, especially at work, but he wouldn't drop it.
After an hour of Sean following me around and talking about Thursday I retreat finally to the break room because he was getting on my nerves and I felt...smothered. A couple of my co-workers and managers were taking there break just then so I say hi and ask them all how they are doing. Suddenly Sean comes in out of nowhere and stands next to me while we are all chatting about something random. Out of nowhere Sean says "so me and Beckett saw a movie yesterday. It was really terrible. But yeah, yesterday we hung out". I turn around quickly and glare at him. I was trying to tell him to shut the fuck up with my eyes but he seemed to miss the expression. I leave the break-room and head to customer service where Sean, following behind me, asks me what Kat thought when she found out we hung out.
I tell him that she thought it was a little weird but was glad that I had a good time. I didn't want to let him know that she already knew about us hanging out. But i also didn't want to pretend like she didn't think it was a tad bit weird. So i tell him a half truth hoping he will stop being annoying and shut the hell up. But of course, he couldn't just let it go and this is where the boy seriously fucked up. This is where if he cared about me in the slightest he would have just left it alone. Instead he says "oh, cause when I came in Kat asked me what I did on Vday (another lie. he asked her) and I told her we hung out but that".....he laughs pompously...."that it wasn't like that cause she made it seem like, you know, it was weird that we hung out on Vday and you know, I told her my girlfriend knows what it is". At this point i am beginning to get upset. I know that he is going to say something that will hurt my feelings. I feel small and dumb and I know that a bubble is about to burst. So i tell him, I almost plead with him, to stop talking because I know that whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be terrible. But he doesn't listen and instead says:
"I told her that my girlfriend knows who I come home to at night. And that she is 'it' for me. She is my ideal. And that I'm like faithful and stuff and it wasn't a date. Thursday wasn't a date. Cause I'm like, with my girl and you know, isn't it funny that Kat would think it was weird that we hung out. I mean, c'mon"
My heart fell out of my chest. I felt like Drew Barrymore in never been kissed during the flashback of her prom experience. It felt like Sean had thrown eggs at my head and then called everyone over to laugh and point at me. He was the one who asked me to hang out on Valentine's Day. He was the one who went around telling everyone that we'd seen a movie. He's the one who tried to brag about it to my best friend. And there he was in my face telling me Thursday wasn't a big deal as if i'd gone around proclaiming my love for him. I felt embarrassed. I felt degraded and worst of all i felt that my lame ass attempt to be his friend was for nothing. Even now the memory of how I felt when he said this to me makes me cringe.
I completely shut down after he gives his little speech. He actually looks proud that his song and dance has gone...well. Worse he is sort of laughing about it as if I'd think it was funny too ('i mean c'mon what's Kat thinking, my girl is 'it' for me). I of course am seething. I can see only red and I want to hulk smash his face. Outside of the rage, I am hurt. Despite my crush I knew that I would never be anything romantic to Sean, so I settled for being his friend cause I wanted to have him in my life. And this THIS is how he treats my friendship. So instead of joining in with his laughter (cause really who would ever think Sean and I were dating) I tell him that I don't feel well and that he needs to get away from me. I don't even explain why, i just tell him that I have to get away from him or else. Before he can even utter a word I make a mad dash for the bathroom and have a full on panic attack. There are tears and hyperventilating and anger. It's one thing to tell a girl that you are not interested in her. It is another thing to rub it in her face because you are immature.
When I finally calm down Sean immediately knows I am mad at him. He asks what is wrong and I tell him that he needs to work on the way he words things...because sometimes, the things he says can come out insensitive and hurtful. He makes a face like "oh, i get it" and then starts to say "but i was just trying to clear up..." And this is where I fucking lose it. This is where I am like 'why the fuck do i care about this boy. A boy who has sent me to get dog food for his girlfriend, who actually considered dating a 17 year old when his girlfriend and him where on a break, and who had the motherfucking nerve to tell me that Thursday didn't mean anything to him as if to make sure we were on the same page". So I get agitated, and my voice is tense and high and i think i yell:
"Sean. I know that I am not your girlfriend. You have made that perfectly clear from the beginning. I am not your girlfriend. Yesterday was not a date! And It meant nothing! So why the fuck come up to me, who by the way wasn't going to bring anything up about yesterday, and try to invalidate that really fun time we had as friends. You can go fuck yourself"
I was so mad. I don't think i have been this mad in a very long time. We spent the rest of the night arguing ( i don't understand what made you upset?) and another hour in his car yelling. The whole experience was just embarrassing because the one time I tried to be realistic about my relationship with Sean he goes and fucks it up with this lame ass "i love my girlfriend routine'. I kept asking him why he brought up our vday excursion anyway only to have to clarify it to people who weren't interested in the first place. He didn't have an answer. I asked him if he had a good time Thursday. He said yes. I asked him then why did he have to invalidate the whole day because of his insecurities. He didn't have an answer.
A week later and I am still livid at this boy. I told him i do not trust him anymore. I told him that if he ever makes me feel like I did last Friday I will disappear from his life. I will no longer be his friend. I will be but a memory. And I am serious about this. This boy fucked up. I have been nothing but nice to him, I have never initiated anything inappropriate because of his girlfriend. I wanted to be his friend and he threw it in my face like a jackass because he thinks that I am his puppy.
There is a part of me that is terrified of losing him. I have had a crush on him for so long that not having him around will feel like a loss. But the other part of me is convinced that he should be more concerned with losing me. I don't know if he is use to having friends. I don't know if he is use to having someone around who doesn't want anything from him except his time. Whatever the case I felt so....undervalued and under appreciated and used by this boy and I am fed up trying to mean something to someone who could care less.
So, the last couple of days have been hell. There has been a lot of crying and fuming and throwing things followed by watching re-runs of buffy and listening to Dave Matthews. I'm not a drinker but i've wanted nothing more than to drown the last few days in a bottle of something that burns going down. It's been that kind of week.
Last Thursday Sean and I hung out on Valentines Day.When he asked me to go to see a movie with him I was a) elated and b) weird-ed out that on all the days for us to officially hang out outside of the comfort of my room, his car or work he decided Valentine's Day would be the perfect time. I will always like this boy. I know this. Whatever idea or image of him that i've created in my head will not be shaken until we have both gone our separate ways. Until he joins the air-force or I find a guy who likes me back or he ups and marries big head.
Until then i am stuck in the place where I am trying to be his friend because I am nothing else to him. I wish that I were but I am not. But i am not sure he is use to having friends or if he is use to having people around whose only want is to be around him. So when he asked me to go to the movies Thursday, because his girlfriend didn't want to hang out with him, I jumped at the chance to because in my mind it meant something. I may not be the girl for him but I am a girl that he enjoys hanging out with. The things I'll settle for.
Anyway, the day itself was actually pretty great. I spent all of Wednesday expecting him to bail but he called right before and asked me if we were still on for the movies. I said yeah as long as it wasn't weird or awkward for him (or his girlfriend) and we planned to meet up after I got out of work to see Die Hard. I decided to dress very casually so he wouldn't think i mistook this as a date (skinny jeans. brown boots. blouse). I also took out money so that I could buy my own ticket as soon as i got to the theater. While a little part of me wanted to believe that this was some semi date with Sean, i knew in the back of my mind that I would be disappointed that it wasn't. So i kept telling myself that we were just going as two friends who didn't want to sit at home alone on Vday. We were just two people who like being around each other who wanted to see Die Hard.
I text him Thursday afternoon to tell him i am on my way to the theater. I, of course, get there first and because i haven't heard anything from him the whole day about meeting up i start to panic. He did say he wanted to see a movie right? Maybe he has changed his mind? Maybe i am being stood up? To ease my mind, I purchase my ticket and then run to the bathroom to breathe. The movie started at 5:20, it was only 5:00. I figured I would give him 15 minutes to show up and then i'd leave.
By 5:10 i still hadn't heard anything. This is where my panic slowly turned to depression and I started to gather my things. Just as I am making my way to the door I get a call from him saying he is outside. There was traffic, he couldn't find parking, hang on just a few more minutes i'll be there. When he arrives I am relieved, excited and fucking nervous because now this is real, He too is dressed very casually and he buys his ticket immediately and we head to our seats.
Because i have never hung out with anyone on Valentines Day I am initially surprised by how empty the theater is. Outside of a few couples, Sean and I are the only people under the age of 40 at the movies. I suspect it's because ideal vday plans do not include watching a crappy ass movie in the middle of the day. We take our seats and spend the next two hours awkwardly leaning into each other, whispering and laughing and trying to ignore the occasional leg touch/arm brush here and there on both our parts. I am relieved by how comfortable we are. He turns to me often during the movie and asks "if i am having a good time on our date" and while happy to hear the word, i know he is trying to be funny. But i tell him yes anyway and he brings his forehead to mine and rubs it affectionately.
When the movie ends we wait until the credits roll before getting up. He is convinced there will be some extra clip or something at the end to watch and I sit through every name of every person involved in the making of the movie because the boy is stubborn. As we sit the movie attendants make there way in to start cleaning and he frustratingly says 'can't they see we are on a date. we'll leave when we are ready'.
During the movie he leaned in really close to ask if we could finish watching James Bond at my house afterwards. Of course, still wanting to believe in some part of my mind that he has asked me to hang out because he likes me, I agree. So once we finally leave the theater we grab burgers and fries and head back to my house and like every other time he has been there, we slip into the ease of hanging out. As the movie is playing we ask each other questions about our day. He talks about a book he is reading and looks around my room a lot. I ask if he needs another pillow to support his back. He says he is having a really good time.
In the middle of James Bond he gets a call from his girlfriend and our moment of comfort is stilled while he takes the call. I am not annoyed by this pause but i am curious as to how this conversation is going to play out. I can hear her voice through his phone and she asks how his day is and where he is at. He says that he is hanging out with a friend but will be home soon. She asks if he is hanging out with his friend Cameron (i guess she is not a fan of this friend) and he says no "my friend beckett...is that okay". She replies 'sure, as long as it's not Cameron". Im not even a fucking threat to his girlfriend. She'd rather him spend valentines day with a girl then with a friend he gets drunk with occasionally i am a little peeved by this.
After the phone call he looks a little disinterested in hanging out anymore but he stays another 2 hours so we can surf the net and watch random youtube videos. Around midnight he says he should be getting home but before he leaves he asks if I had a good time. I tell him yes. I ask him if I was okay....to be around, you know, because I am still getting use to this hanging out thing and i feel bad for being the filler. He says I was great and that I made a good date.
That was our night in a nutshell. Very simple and uneventful yet great. And because i am a stupid silly girl with a belief in miracles and special moments I wanted to bottle last Thursday up in a mason jar so I could keep it with me always. When my anxiety was at its peak hanging out with anyone could provoke a panic attack. And here i am four years later hanging out with a boy i like on Valentines Day and I pulled it off. Was i nervous, yes? Did i feel like passing out, um, yes? But I did it and i survived and I was great.
As soon as he is out the door I tell myself that I will not tell anyone outside of Kat and my mom about my really nice Valentines Day for several reasons. 1) ain't no body's business. My job is a poll of gossip. Sean has a girlfriend and despite how casual we attempted to make last Thursday i didn't want to make it weird at work. 2) because we had such a nice time I wanted to keep the day to ourselves. I value my privacy a lot and what I do outside of work with my friends is important to me. Thursday was nice, really nice and the only two people who needed to know this was us.
As soon as I get to work the next day though Kat tells me that Sean asked her what she did on Valentines Day and then proceeded to tell her that we hung and stuff but she added that he said it "as if he wanted to make me jealous". I ask her to explain and she says that she was sitting in the break-room when Sean came in and stood around awkwardly near her. When she looked up from her book he asked her is she was busy. She said yes and then returned to reading. He then asked her what she did on Valentines Day. She said 'nothing, why how was your Valentine's Day" "Oh, it was fun. I had fun. Me and Beckett saw a movie and hung out. You know".
Now Kat already knew about my outing with Sean. Hell she was probably the first person i texted soon after he asked me. She does not like this boy though and has not been very supportive about my feelings for him especially after her falling out with Preacher Guy. Sean in turn doesn't like Kat and for some weird reason he is very threatened by our friendship. It's as if he is in a competition with Kat for who i like to be around more and because my relationship with both is different I don't really understand why he even feels the need to compete. So when Sean told Kat that we'd hung out on Valentines Day he did so to throw it in her face. And of course because Kat hates the boy she replied very angrily
"wow.... that's nice but what did your girlfriend think about it".
The moment that came out of her mouth Sean, i don't know, panicked I think. He kept asking Kat what she meant by her question? Why would his girlfriend think anything of it? She knows what it's like. He only hung out with me because his girlfriend is in Puerto Rico (a fucking lie!) Why would it be weird? I mean, c'mon, it's Beckett.
After Kat finishes telling me what Sean said I am more embarrassed then hurt. Or more hurt then embarrassed I couldn't understand why he felt the need to a) tell Kat that we hung out and then b) justify it by bringing his girlfriend up as if there was no way anything would have ever happened between us because 'i love my girl". Thursday was the most platonic interaction I have ever had with the boy and did not warrant a defense. But because I am use to Sean being a little shit, I let the exchange between them go. Thursday was so awesome that i wouldn't let his moment of panic ruin anything.
When I bump into Sean an hour or so later (by then Kat had left) I pretend as if I haven't seen him in a while. To be honest, I planned on saying little to him the whole night because i still wanted to give him the impression that Thursday wasn't a big deal. But the boy has different plans. He spends the first hour of our shift bringing up our 'date': the movie was terrible right, we had fun, i'm glad we watched james bond, omg can you believe how terrible the movie was, where are you going? can i go, hahaha, we had fun". I am a little annoyed because i saw no need for us to talk about Thursday, especially at work, but he wouldn't drop it.
After an hour of Sean following me around and talking about Thursday I retreat finally to the break room because he was getting on my nerves and I felt...smothered. A couple of my co-workers and managers were taking there break just then so I say hi and ask them all how they are doing. Suddenly Sean comes in out of nowhere and stands next to me while we are all chatting about something random. Out of nowhere Sean says "so me and Beckett saw a movie yesterday. It was really terrible. But yeah, yesterday we hung out". I turn around quickly and glare at him. I was trying to tell him to shut the fuck up with my eyes but he seemed to miss the expression. I leave the break-room and head to customer service where Sean, following behind me, asks me what Kat thought when she found out we hung out.
I tell him that she thought it was a little weird but was glad that I had a good time. I didn't want to let him know that she already knew about us hanging out. But i also didn't want to pretend like she didn't think it was a tad bit weird. So i tell him a half truth hoping he will stop being annoying and shut the hell up. But of course, he couldn't just let it go and this is where the boy seriously fucked up. This is where if he cared about me in the slightest he would have just left it alone. Instead he says "oh, cause when I came in Kat asked me what I did on Vday (another lie. he asked her) and I told her we hung out but that".....he laughs pompously...."that it wasn't like that cause she made it seem like, you know, it was weird that we hung out on Vday and you know, I told her my girlfriend knows what it is". At this point i am beginning to get upset. I know that he is going to say something that will hurt my feelings. I feel small and dumb and I know that a bubble is about to burst. So i tell him, I almost plead with him, to stop talking because I know that whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be terrible. But he doesn't listen and instead says:
"I told her that my girlfriend knows who I come home to at night. And that she is 'it' for me. She is my ideal. And that I'm like faithful and stuff and it wasn't a date. Thursday wasn't a date. Cause I'm like, with my girl and you know, isn't it funny that Kat would think it was weird that we hung out. I mean, c'mon"
My heart fell out of my chest. I felt like Drew Barrymore in never been kissed during the flashback of her prom experience. It felt like Sean had thrown eggs at my head and then called everyone over to laugh and point at me. He was the one who asked me to hang out on Valentine's Day. He was the one who went around telling everyone that we'd seen a movie. He's the one who tried to brag about it to my best friend. And there he was in my face telling me Thursday wasn't a big deal as if i'd gone around proclaiming my love for him. I felt embarrassed. I felt degraded and worst of all i felt that my lame ass attempt to be his friend was for nothing. Even now the memory of how I felt when he said this to me makes me cringe.
I completely shut down after he gives his little speech. He actually looks proud that his song and dance has gone...well. Worse he is sort of laughing about it as if I'd think it was funny too ('i mean c'mon what's Kat thinking, my girl is 'it' for me). I of course am seething. I can see only red and I want to hulk smash his face. Outside of the rage, I am hurt. Despite my crush I knew that I would never be anything romantic to Sean, so I settled for being his friend cause I wanted to have him in my life. And this THIS is how he treats my friendship. So instead of joining in with his laughter (cause really who would ever think Sean and I were dating) I tell him that I don't feel well and that he needs to get away from me. I don't even explain why, i just tell him that I have to get away from him or else. Before he can even utter a word I make a mad dash for the bathroom and have a full on panic attack. There are tears and hyperventilating and anger. It's one thing to tell a girl that you are not interested in her. It is another thing to rub it in her face because you are immature.
When I finally calm down Sean immediately knows I am mad at him. He asks what is wrong and I tell him that he needs to work on the way he words things...because sometimes, the things he says can come out insensitive and hurtful. He makes a face like "oh, i get it" and then starts to say "but i was just trying to clear up..." And this is where I fucking lose it. This is where I am like 'why the fuck do i care about this boy. A boy who has sent me to get dog food for his girlfriend, who actually considered dating a 17 year old when his girlfriend and him where on a break, and who had the motherfucking nerve to tell me that Thursday didn't mean anything to him as if to make sure we were on the same page". So I get agitated, and my voice is tense and high and i think i yell:
"Sean. I know that I am not your girlfriend. You have made that perfectly clear from the beginning. I am not your girlfriend. Yesterday was not a date! And It meant nothing! So why the fuck come up to me, who by the way wasn't going to bring anything up about yesterday, and try to invalidate that really fun time we had as friends. You can go fuck yourself"
I was so mad. I don't think i have been this mad in a very long time. We spent the rest of the night arguing ( i don't understand what made you upset?) and another hour in his car yelling. The whole experience was just embarrassing because the one time I tried to be realistic about my relationship with Sean he goes and fucks it up with this lame ass "i love my girlfriend routine'. I kept asking him why he brought up our vday excursion anyway only to have to clarify it to people who weren't interested in the first place. He didn't have an answer. I asked him if he had a good time Thursday. He said yes. I asked him then why did he have to invalidate the whole day because of his insecurities. He didn't have an answer.
A week later and I am still livid at this boy. I told him i do not trust him anymore. I told him that if he ever makes me feel like I did last Friday I will disappear from his life. I will no longer be his friend. I will be but a memory. And I am serious about this. This boy fucked up. I have been nothing but nice to him, I have never initiated anything inappropriate because of his girlfriend. I wanted to be his friend and he threw it in my face like a jackass because he thinks that I am his puppy.
There is a part of me that is terrified of losing him. I have had a crush on him for so long that not having him around will feel like a loss. But the other part of me is convinced that he should be more concerned with losing me. I don't know if he is use to having friends. I don't know if he is use to having someone around who doesn't want anything from him except his time. Whatever the case I felt so....undervalued and under appreciated and used by this boy and I am fed up trying to mean something to someone who could care less.
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