Le sigh. Prepare to be utterly disgusted.
This weekend was pretty rough. My attraction to Sean has made me a very stupid girl. For some reason despite the fact that he a) has a girlfriend b) is not the guy for me and b) he is a total asshole, I have developed an attachment to him that I cannot shake.
I have this stupid character trait where i feel the need to take care of the people i love, even if i am not getting anything back in return. If i love you, whether from afar or a up close, i am selfless. I have a tendency of putting my needs and desires and expectations aside to ensure your happiness. I'll get hurt even if that means that you don't. This is a trait that i admire and loathe and in the wrong hands it can be downright deplorable.
I am going to get over Sean. This is a fact but i can't say it is going to easy. A couple of weeks he said he was going to join the air force because when he was a kid he wanted to fly planes and in the air force he could do that (despite being terrified of planes). I told him that this was a terrible idea because it feels like a last resort kind of decision. He isn't happy at Le Sad store, he wants more money, and his girlfriend (who continues to break up with him) said she'd consider marrying him if he joined the air force for 10 years. To me these are all reasons why one shouldn't join the service, because not once did he say he wants to serve his country, but the boy is determined to get in if he isn't medically disqualified (kidney stones) first.
The fact that he wants to join has made me feel differently about him. For one, at 26, he will be an active member of the air force until he is 36. 10 years is a long fucking time to be away from family and friends and in my mind I think he has this idea that I will wait for him. He hasn't said this out loud, but when he told me about enlisting his first words were "I'll be able to send you money while I'm away. You can get our apartment and I'll take care of you financially". Um, asaywhat? We aren't married. We aren't even dating. Hell, i can't even get the boy to treat me like a friend. So why say you'd send me money to take care of me? What does your big headed girlfriend think of this?
Secondly, he seemed more adamant about joining once his girlfriend said she'd consider marrying him if he joined. Consider. She has told him several times that she never wants to get married and doesn't want to have kids, which is something she has always been against. Lately they don't seem to like each other that much. He couldn't get in touch with her for a couple of days because she was ignoring him. They break up every other week (literally) and she accidentally sent him a text meant for her friend that said "I'm done with him". So i think this too is a last minute effort for him. If he joins, she said she'll reconsider her stance on their relationship present and future. But when he asked if she'd visit him while he was away, she said not unless her mom could come with her. When he told her he had the option to join for 4 or 10 years she said she'd only consider if he joined for 10. What the hell y'all.
Finally, and this is a combination of point 1 and 2. This boy is not my boyfriend. Sometimes he is not even a friend if i can be honest. His decision to even think about joining the air force is, in my mind, his decision to not to ever be with me. Why, you say? Because i struggle to maintain his attention now and we see each other all the time. I struggle to be something to him when i am constantly being a devoted crush. His girlfriend said they should take a break and see other people and he didn't want to do that. This could have been the perfect time to test the waters with me and even then he couldn't commit. And what makes this so painful is that i continue to like this prick so much.
He wasn't feeling well this week. He threw up 3 times at work and spent the remainder of his shift in the break room. I spent the better part of my night making sure he was comfortable. I got him ginger ale, and saltine crackers, i offered to go to the store to buy him medicine, and when he said he didn't know if he could drive home I damn near offered to let him spend the night at my house (i would have slept downstairs or in my Nicole's room).
He of course loved the attention i was giving him but was not grateful for it. One of my managers walked in while I was pouring him ginger ale and he said "she sure does take care of you doesn't she". Sean shrugged his shoulders and made a noise. When I came in to check on him an hour later he was on the phone attempting to call his girlfriend. He saw me and said "i don't know why i can't get in touch with her. I'm about to go home and i really need to get in touch with her I feel terrible". I walked out the break room in a fury. He didn't even come to see or thank me before he left.
I am not a consideration for this boy. I am never going to be Puerto Rican (which if i was, he'd be attracted to me...motherfucker has said this). I am never going to be skinny enough. Or pretty enough. Or docile enough. I am never going to be a girl who he can parade on his arms. I am me. And with this boy that is not enough (shit i almost just cried. shit. shit. shit). So if he joins the air force and goes far far away this feels like that is what he is telling me. Cause he isn't joining so he can marry me. He isn't joining so we can live comfortably. He isn't joining with our future in mind. But more importantly, he isn't staying for me.
So I've been taking a little break from Sean. I've been trying to go to the movies, read, write a little, and put the focus back on me. And when i am around him, i make the conscious effort to see the real Sean and not the one I've imagined in my head. I'm not going to lie, this is very hard to do especially because I've idealised him. Despite him having a girlfriend and him being a piece of shit and him taking advantage of me ...the idea of him triumphs the bad. I even tend to get jealous when he is super flirty with other girls at work. I know that I have no right to be but I've convinced myself that they way he acts around me is completely different from the way he acts with everyone else. So, in the past, I've been a little unnerved when he is touchy grabby with other people. I can't help but wonder if he also says the same things to them that he says to me and how wasted my affection for him is.
There was one night, two years ago maybe, when he offered to drive me and another co-worker home. I hated this girl, Pam, and did not want her in the car with us. I had seen her and Sean engage in flirty/sexual behavior in the past (she liked to run her hands through his hair, he let her go to his car so she can wear his jacket at work) and I was in no mood to bear witness to this. While we were walking to his car Pam grabs his hand and they start walking side by side. I literally stopped following them and almost burst in to tears. He turned back to me and extended his other hand "come on, join the fun" he said. I looked at them both, told them to have a good night and that I would walk home.
I have gotten better since this outburst, but I've had my moments where I am like "what the hell is this boy doing" and confronted him about how uncomfortable it makes me feel when he acts this way at work. I can't believe that he has no idea that i like him. Sure the boy is a moron, but it is fucking impossible not to see it. And I hate feeling in competition for his attention. When i confront him about it he shrugs, apologizes and says he'll take my feelings in account next time. But he never does. In all honesty it's his girlfriend whose feelings he should be most worried about. The point is the boy can be super inappropriate and while i am irked by this out of jealousy i am also turned off by this because it is not a trait I find flattering. It makes me think that a) no one is ever going to be enough and b) that he is susceptible to cheating (if the girl is aggressive enough to pursue). But once again, this isn't my place so lately when I've seen him interact with our co-workers in a way that is flirty I've called him on it and then shrugged my shoulders.
This weekend though the boy might have taken it too far. A mutual friend of ours has been dating the new cashier at our store. I dislike this girl cause she has the personality of a used car salesman, wants everyone to pay attention to her and wont shut the hell up. My first interaction with her went something like this: Kat and I were standing around customer service talking about a cute actor on a magazine. We are standing shoulder to shoulder so we can gaze and comment. Annoying cashier sees us talking and says "omg! let me see. I love cute boys". She literally wedges herself between Kat and I and starts talking about who knows what. This was her first day. We hadn't even been introduced yet. But because my friend likes and has been dating her I've been trying to be friendly.
Sean thinks annoying cashier is hot because she is from the Bronx, very curvy and of all things Puerto Rican! At first I was very threatened by her because of this. He came up to me once and was like "i think i like her. She's a nice girl. She's Hispanic. I don't see what you find annoying". Sean and her are very playful and talk religiously about how awesome Puerto Rican girls are. He has a tendency to follow after her if she is around and make light dumb conversation. It can be annoying but at the same time the fact that our friend is dating her makes me less jealous.
The other night Sean, I and annoying cashier were closing. Sean and I had a pretty good night talking and playing this dumb game on my ipod. He said that i was the only one he cared about at the store and that I was the only one who made coming to work worth it. Of course these sweet words were shadowed by his interactions with dumb cashier the rest of the night. He spent most of the night throwing shit at her and making comments about her body. At one point she was having a fun argument with someone in cafe and she yelled "don't make me get all Puerto Rican on you" wagging her finger at him. Sean, leering from the corner like a dog in heat said "you can get all puerto rican on me if you want. I'd like that". She laughed and said 'you have one at home for that" to which he replied "but she isn't here now, now is she".
This is the part where you roll your eyes. Scream at your computer screen. Threaten to throw something at me for being stupid and liking this boy. If you haven't already...what the hell are you waiting for. This boy is terrible and i am terrible for liking him and i am in desperate need for a 'come to jesus' talk.
I am surprisingly calm during the interaction. Sure i am crying on the inside, but i am calm. I tell myself that he isn't my boy and that he can act and say what he wants to anyone he likes (though if he had any ounce of respect for me he wouldn't cause he knows it hurts me feelings). He is not my boy. He is friends with the guy dating annoying cashier. And I am not his girl and my feelings are not in consideration. So i take a deep breath and decide to let the comment slide. But then annoying cashier, Sean and I are at customer service and he throws a plush toy at her ass. She turns around quickly and rolls her eyes at him before breaking out into a laugh asking why he did that. He says to see if it would bounce off her ass. At this point I've had enough and I turn to him and say "really Sean! really! you think that was necessary to say and fucking do!" I storm off.
Like a dumb girl i spend the rest of the night mad at Sean for being a douche bag and at annoying cashier for having a bouncy ass but mainly at myself for letting this continue to go on. He offers to drive me home, of course, but on the way out i see him go up to annoying cashier and possibly ask for her phone number (after he told me i wasn't allowed to have his because only his girlfriend needed to have it) He drives me home but I am very silent and seething with various ways to tell him to go fuck himself. When i get upstairs to my room i realize that I can't do this anymore with this boy. I feel ugly and stupid and not good enough when I am around him. I have put 100% effort into liking him and I am never going to be enough even if his enough is shitty.
The next day I come to work for another closing shift and before i can even put my stuff down my friend who is dating annoying cashier tells me we need to talk, its very important. I tell him that we can talk now if he wants. He says it's about Sean and that it's sort of a touchy subject. I say, oh great what has this boy done now. So my friend tells me that annoying cashier went to him the other night and said she is very uncomfortable with how aggressive and flirty Sean has been and that he is very inappropriate around her. She brought up the incident with the plush toy but also told him that Sean has said things to her that creep her out not just the night before but weeks ago. That he has mentioned her breast and butt in various conversations and has been suggestive with his language.
She went to my friend, her boyfriend, two weeks ago about it and said she would see how far Sean took it before she brought it up again but after the plush toy incident she's had enough and feels harassed. For Christ sakes y'all. For Christ sakes. Keeping my composure I ask what he is going to do. Mutual Friend says he doesn't know. He said he is going to say something to Sean before it becomes an issue that is reported to the manager. I tell him that he should definitely say something but that it has to be done in a way that will not be dramatic and that it probably shouldn't be done at work.
In my mind of course I'm like 'really! really! really!" this is the boy i like: a disrespectful, boundary crossing, douche. This is the boy i like: a boy with a girlfriend who religiously flirts with me and then in the same breath is being gross and touchy with his best mates girl. This is the dude I like, really, are you fucking kidding me.
I send Sean a text in the morning (he relented and gave me his digits) that our friend was pissed at him and that it had something to do with what ever happened between him and annoying cashier on Friday. I gave him the heads up as a friend because i didn't want him to be blindsided by the confrontation. Or worse, i didn't want him to get to work and continue being touchy and flirty with annoying cashier if it makes her uncomfortable. I got no response back and of course now feel sort of like an ashat for warning him. Maybe he needs a wake up call. Maybe he needs to be told that he crosses many boundaries and doesn't know when to let up.
Better yet, maybe this whole damn situation is my wake up call. I continue to stick up for this boy, and make excuses for him, and clean up his mess. I continue to pine and say look at me from the bleachers. I continue to want him and be wanted by him because i have never felt wanted by anyone. But i can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. Relationships are suppose to be and feel more fulfilling and i have never felt more empty. Even more than my strong desire to be with him, I want so much more for myself and instead of being worried that I won't ever be a part of his life, it is time that I realize he isn't the right fit for mine. Now or Ever.
Le sigh this shit is tough.