The Rum Diary.

Jeepers Creepers remind me to never take a shot of rum...ever again.

I don't even know how to explain the last few days or weeks. And the fact that I am a tad bit tipsy is either going to make my feelings about everything sound really profound or dumb when I read this in the morning.

As I expected I did not get the job that I interviewed for two weeks ago. Hell, the fact that I didn't even send a thank you email and letter put a nail in that coffin. But it doesn't mean that i am still not utterly frustrated about my situation.

School for most undergrad and grad students started this week and every time some one comes in asking for a text book we don't have, a little piece of me aches. I still have no idea if I want to ever go to grad school but the more time I spend in the real world the more convinced I am that I don't have any skills outside of being book smart.

I seem to be an un-hirable person. I can't even get an interview for a receptionist job these days. What makes it worse is that Blue and I went on an interview the same week and he actually got the job he applied to. Even though this was his first interview out of college, ever, he managed to get the position with a company specializing in optic lens or something.

And I know that I have no interest in lens or manufacturing or eye wear(?!). I mean he has told me what he is going to be doing there a billion times and I still can't describe his title accurately, but nonetheless Blue is leaving. Come Tuesday he will no longer be an employee at Le Sad Store and that has brought up deep feelings of jealousy and resentment.

One of the first things he said to me when he found out he got the job was 'so, when are you going on your next interview' as if suddenly the struggle of job hunting had completely been eradicated from his mind. I may have shot him a really dirty look after I congratulated him on this new gig.

And while I applied to six or seven jobs last week, I have felt too tired and depleted to do so the last two days. Irene, on my side of town, turned out to be a ball of gusty wind and rain and while I got to stay home on Sunday (we actually closed the store) I have had little energy to do anything but sleep since then. I think I am getting sick. I fear I am becoming depressed. Whatever the case i feel as if i am coming apart at the seams from sheer frustration and angst.

It doesn't help that my main venting partner (marie) has all but ditched me. We got in an argument a few weeks ago because she befriended a married w/children gent at her job and I found the nature of their relationship weird. I don't mind that he's married, I don't mind that he had kids but I found it weird that he would take such an interest in hanging out with a girl 15 years his junior. Not only that but they talk about sex, love and relationships (a lot) as if he is just a single guy.

To make matters worse, they spend a lot of time hanging out without his wife or kids around. And she said that once they had a really inappropriate conversation in the car about coworkers having sex. He also sent me messages via facebook and text in order to better understand the nature of marie and I's friendship. My last correspondence with her had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't appreciate him calling my phone to ask me questions about marie. That I don't like strange married men sending me messages on facebook and that as a father of two children he should have better things to do than text me in the afternoon.

We haven't talked since then (roughly a month) and while she can really get under my skin, it's weird not having some one to express my frustrations with verbally. And now, more than ever, as everything seems to be changing around me I kind of wish I had a voice to talk to on the other end of the phone. I suddenly wish I weren't such a lone ranger.

To compensate for Marie's abandonment, I've been hanging out a lot with people from work in order to fill some of my down time. Applying to jobs and fretting all day can put me in a worse mood than not being able to find steady employment. So i am doing my best to balance a social life with career opportunities.

In an attempt to be social tonight we all went to a bar after checking out Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (kinda crappy but whatever it was six bucks) and Blue tagged along for his sort of celebratory hang out. We all decided to buy shots because the mood seemed right and we were pretty jovial.

I downed my first, and damnit last, rum over the sound of Blind Melon's No Rain. Every time I hear that song I get all kinds of sad. The song conjures up the image of the sad girl in the bumble bee outfit, mulling about around town all sad and depleted. And sure at the end she is all dancing in a field of sunflowers (and other bumble bees) accepting the things that aren't readily changeable in front of her, but she is resigned to happiness eventually.

I have not of course gotten there yet. Instead I feel like sweet bumble bee girl just as she is laughed off staged. Just as she is making her exit from the cruel bright lights of the real world. I am humble and out of sorts and teary eyed and I am simply trying to make sense of where I am suppose to go from here. And maybe this is just the beginning of my extraordinary life that I am making, but it still feels painful from time to time.

This could all be the Rum talking. I apologize. I don't know how Hemingway, Thompson and Kerouac did it. I guess I'm just not that kind of writer.

Can't wait to read this shit in the morning.

Beckett.

Irene is Coming....

...and Le Sad Store will remain open.

Despite the warnings, and the four people who have already called out days in advance for the storm, we will stay open the whole damn weekend.

Because even when the wind and rain come crashing through New York some asshole will still want to head to Le Sad Store for a Venti coffee while he/she glances at a magazine they won't buy.

I hate my life.

Unpaved Road.

Now that I have some time to myself (I don't have to be at work until 7 tonight) it's about time I describe the interview I went to Monday afternoon.


Oh, where to begin.


As you may know I was uber excited about Monday's interview. It seems that every time I get an opportunity to leave Le Sad Store I am filled with so many different emotions. Anxiety, Excitement, Apprehension, Glee and Terror.



It has a lot to do with the fact that come September (unless I find a job in the next two week or so) i will be embarking on my 3rd year at Le Sad Store. Three years of crappy customer service and in store plays, three years of helping people buy books that they don't want to read and giving the stank eye to teenagers.


Time flies and I know this best of all. When I moved to New York I had no intention of being a bookseller for three years. The first couple of months I was adamant that I would be on the fast track to a job, stability and maybe even an apartment (with a cat named Jack). Hell, I spent more time then contemplating my exit strategy than I do now.


The first few months were frustrating because the bulk of my internal dialogue was very self righteous. I can't even recount the countless conversations I had with my mom that began and ended with 'I'm better than this, i can't do this job anymore, what the hell am I doing with my life" complaints. The only difference now is that instead of complaining about my situation I have, for quite some time, been making an effort to get a new job. I feel as productive as ever about my job search but am continually disappointed with the results.

And I know (I know) the economy is bad. No one is hiring. My situation is not unusual. But it doesn't stop me from feeling pangs of jealousy towards the people around me who have landed gigs since I have been at Le Sad Store. Like Jenn (the girl who wanted me to move in with her) who is now working at some immigration law firm. Or the utterly boooooring Pamela, who recently graduated but got a job in mental health counseling and now may have a job in the city (via her facebook announcement). Even dumb funny Ryan, who was fired from the store a year ago for showing up high on a regular basis, is now selling life insurance in the city while he attends Columbia University.


And plenty other people have come and gone too: Evan, Ana, Erin, David, Paul, Kristina, Rachel. And every time someone else leaves it makes me feels as if the effort i'm putting in isn't one at all.


And it doesn't matter that I have NO interest in doing any of the jobs they've all landed. My jealousy stems more from them getting out of Le Sad Store rather than them finding (un)desirable employment. But it still makes me feel very frustrated. As if my attempts aren't really attempts at all because I've seen so little results.


And honestly, I just don't know how many more career books I can buy or interview suggestions I can read online. I already have a pile of job related books taking up space in my room that I am desperate to get rid of. I am completely and utterly over searching for a job but I don't have a choice but to keep trudging. I don't have any other choice but to wake up, go to work, try not to curse someone out and sleep so I can do it all over again.

But If I have to run into any more ex-employees of Le Sad Store who drop by just to see how 'we' are holding up I might just barf. This is literally making the job search unbearable and my time at Le Sad Store more heartbreaking. Ever so often someone who use to work there will stop by and want to chat and discuss old times. Of course they never are there to shop for books, it's always 'oh, i was in the area' thought I'd stop by to see who was left...to see if anything changed'

And of course I am there to remind that nothing has changed at all, not even me.

So when I was contacted for an interview from the Vice President of what I thought was a 'really cool' production/distribution company I was elated. I haven't had an interview since March and that one sort of left me feeling crappy. I spent more time defending myself as a bookseller than explaining why my experience in book publishing (including sales) would be transferable to a literary agency.

He actually told me that the position would be 'a leap' for someone in my situation. That going from book sales to a job within a literary agency was 'a little impractical'.


And while I shot back hard "I wouldn't call it an impractical leap. This isn't a leap, from say, working in medicine and then deciding one day that I want to pursue a career in publishing. I am versed in all areas of publishing from book sales to editorial and production. It's more of a transition to an appropriate area than anything else', he has now being the voice of doubt in my head


Sometimes I still hear his voice telling me that I cannot do this, that I should consider being a bookseller for good. I hear his voice and it beats down my confidence (though I know one day it will give me strength) with his stupid assertions. I still have fears, if you can call them that I am unqualified for things. From receptionist jobs to even sales associate things, I am consumed with unwavering fears that I am only book smart and nothing more.

And yeah, i've gotten some interviews and made some impressions but I am still at Le Sad Store and miserable. And I worry that it is because I am starting to believe what he said may be true.


But thoughts only consume me 5% of the time. I push them away as much as I can. I continue to apply and commit myself to finding better employment. And when I was invited in for an interview I was prepared to rock it. F*ck _____ Literary Agency and their dumb insensitive totally off the mark boss.

I found the opening for this job on a site that I frequent often. They are pretty good resource for me because the jobs are related only on the creative field. 3 out of the 4 interviews I have gone on have been from using this job site and they post listings from huge organization to smaller but still reputable agencies.

From the description of this job I knew I was a little unqualified. The opening was for a Sales Coordinator with a television distribution company that I have never heard of but was excited to pursue regardless. I researched their website before sending off my cover letter and resume was all sorts of excited about the opportunity to join an company where my sales background would be an asset rather than a questionable work experience. And from the description it seemed like a role I could grow in with a company well know internationally.


Outside of preparing for Sales Related questions, I bought a nice skirt and shirt to complement my new found confidence. I looked all sort of professional the morning of and even had some industry related questions to ask.

And this is where things fell to shit. But not on my part.


The moment I get to the interview I am quickly struck by how small the office is, if you can even call it that. It is literally a small loft with a partition creating an extra office space. It was as if someone rented out a room in a really expensive building to make as their own personal studio. And because I am use to working in Sales I quickly noticed how little room there was to conduct any of the Sales related job responsibilities posted in the ad.

In fact, there wasn't room for more than three people to work out of the office.

Don't worry. This was not a sketchy 'oh shit I've just walked into a really scary situation' scenario but this was definitely not the thriving, exciting, distribution company I imagined in my mind. Furthermore this was not the team oriented, fast paced, sales environment I applied to. Turns out, the distribution company is tiny (only 65 employees work for the whole damn company;throughout 5 countries) and the Sales Coordinator position was really a 'Personal Assistant' gig to a newly formed division of the company. The guy, who actually is the vice president, works out of a small office in midtown Manhattan where he is the sole operator of the office.


The job would encompass everything but Sales including 'you see that broom in the corner' 'yes' 'I'd need someone to sweep up every once in a while too'. Not only was I unqualified for the position (not the sweeping part but the 'I need but the person I hire for this job to be my right hand man' 'meaning' 'if i were to get hit by a bus while i were away on business, i would need you to run this office as if you were me' 'well, lets hope you don't get run over by any buses soon'.

The main issue with the whole interview was that I wasn't even interviewing for the damn job I applied to online. There was no Sales Team or thriving, fast paced environment. There was no opportunity for growth or working in a group setting. Instead it was a solitary, all encompassing, 'i need someone who doesn't need training' situation. Which wasn't at all what he describe in the job description.


This wasn't even a situation where I felt like I'd blown the interview. He obviously stretched the truth on the job site about the job title and because I walked in having all of my Sales knowledge present I was not prepared to answer anything about film distribution. While I have never been on a blind date I can only equate my interview on Monday to one. We didn't click. There was no connection and I sort of wanted it to be over so I could go home (or go to the Moma with Heather as I ended up doing).


It was a hot mess. When I got in the elevator I was consumed with...laughter. The whole thing was absurd. He'd wasted my time, by posing the job as a Sales Coordinator position when it turned out to be everything but, and I'd wasted his by not knowing anything about Film Distribution or the company.

I am not sad that this did not work out. In fact, I even went against business etiquette by not sending him a thank you email and letter. I refused to extend any gratitude after his false advertisement. It is not a job I would ever want to do for so many reasons, and for him to obviously stretch the truth to get more applicants to apply was a little shady.

But I am sad that I am back at square one. That I am back in line to search for new and better employment. I don't know what else I can do to find a job. I just don't. And at this point I am doubting the road I am on because thus far it has lead me nowhere.

I did end the day on a high note though. Heather and I made plans to hit up the Moma and then Dylans Candy shop in the city after my interview. And let me tell you it was the relief I needed after that horrible mess of a job interview. We had a blast walking around midtown Manhattan and taking pictures. The Moma turned out to be an exciting place of contemporary art and a Post Secret exhibit. And Dylan's candy. Well, need I say more. It was three floors of candy, candy, candy and a bakery on the third floor. I'll try to upload the pictures later on this week.

So yeah, back at square one. I've applied to some literary agency's this week and hope to hear something back from one or two of them. My spirits aren't down but am very tired of the search. It feels like am a directionless and that is possibly the worst feeling ever.

Ack, It's Monday!

Sooooo my interview is today. Holy crap I'm a bundle of nerves.





Yesterday at Le Sad Store was absolutely hectic and crazy. Despite torrential rain and looming thunderstorm people were at the store as if we were going out of business. The moment I walked in I couldn't helped but feel swamped by the amount of people crowding the aisles and cafe.





When I finally clocked in, I found out that three people called out and that we would be short staffed the whole night. Because the interview for today is scheduled a lot later than I am use to having them (mid afternoon, instead of early morning) I have contemplated whether to call out from work interview day (today) instead of coming in.





I mean, I rarely called out and I have gone to interviews before with work just hours away. I decided that I would get to work on Sunday and see how I felt. Sunday would determine whether I would want to go in; especially with a six day work week (because Evil Manager is a...evil manager).





Needless to say, I am calling out today. Yesterday was dreadful and I may have cried in an aisle. The three people who called out did so because of a party they were all attending ( i know, because they told me via texts) and combined with the state of the store and the mood of customers I quickly decided that I would call out today. Yeah, it ain't happening. After my shower, I hope I'll have a better excuse (stomach ailments) for this Interview/Bueller Day.





Outside of the disaster that was last night, I am completely excited about the interview today. I feel confident and spiffy (a tad bit nervous) and just plain excited to talk about my awesomeness to the HR Manager. This job is amazing and the company is too, and for once I feel like everything I have learned in the last three years will translate well in this sales position.





It is raining something awful outside but I will take it as a good sign. Heather and I have plans after the Big Interview to grab cupcakes and walk around the city (hence the bueller day) with two prospective new jobs at our fingertips.





I haven't been this excited in a very long time! I am so ready to take control of my life and this job will be the first step in doing so.

Ack! Time to get ready.

Butterfly Stomach.

It's Friday and I have a lot to do.

Now that I have had a a few days to digest, dance because of, freak out on and silently pray about my interview I am slowing putting everything together before 2pm Monday afternoon.

In an exciting turn of events Blue and Heather also got interviews next week, making August a hell of a lot more exciting than I could have ever imagined. At 25, the bulk of my conversations with friends involves our fears and anxiety about stability or rather our lack of it. Some of us, simply want to be able to um, have crappy entry level jobs that will at least get us into the career world.

Blue sent me a text the other day that he'd gotten an interview and was both nervous and excited about it. I of course then had to admit that I too had an interview and was (am) feeling the same sort of general worries.We spent the bulk of the day trying to hype each other up: "we can do this", "we are smart and intelligent" "we have the experience" "go team, go" before wishing each other luck.

The thought of leaving Le Sad Store is all consuming. While I prepare to answer questions about why I am qualified and damn well good enough for this job, the me who thinks a million and one steps ahead of where I am, can't get thoughts of financial stability, weekends off and not having to deal with ashats at Le Sad Store out of my head. This week, evil manager, once again told us that hours will be slashed if we don't sell enough members benefit cards but she is still hiring new people in a few weeks to compensate for the lack of man power we have on the floor.

Complete bullshit.

I am wearing thin at Le Sad Store. All of my resources are being used to the point where I don't have any said up for my own happiness. Next week, I am working 6 days, all closing shifts, because Evil manager is an idiot. Unless you have a position within the store that requires you to be there in the morning (shelving, newsstand, receiving) the only hours available are closing shifts. And I hate closing. I hate having to usher people out of the store because they ignored the closing damn made 15 minutes before close. I then hate having to clean up after people and straighten shit and getting home around midnight on a Monday.

I've been at Le Sad Store for so long, I feel like a captive who dreams of what freedom would look like...on a daily basis. And at 25, it simple consists a job that is demanding, challenging where I can establish professional experience. It is of having an office desk, an office extension, oh and money to spend on cooking and writing things.

I was so defeated after the last interview because he made me feel like I couldn't be anything more than a bookseller. But I know I am much more than that. I am smart and savvy and interesting. I am capable of doing so much more.

So yeah, this interview on Monday is a big deal for me because I have the opportunity to alter my living situation and I will have a job that is pretty freaking awesome! My stomach is in all kinds of knots because of this though. I'll have to keep it together until Monday.

I have made a list of things I need to do today, including: buying a new interview outfit, researching the company(outside of what I've already done), running prep interview questions, dancing, getting my resume and references printed on some fine paper and not freaking out.

I have a little money saved to buy a new interview outfit (but still inexpensive) because the suit that I have is very heavy for August and I'd rather not be a sweaty applicant. I want to do a dress skirt, blazer thing that is professional yet light. And what I have discovered is that when I look great, I feel confident. I need to be confident on Monday. I need to have my shit together. I need to sell myself and my ability to do the job. Looking sharp will help!

T-minus three days before the Big Interview. God, I'm nervous. Excited and Scared. I have suddenly become the 25 year old who wants stability over anything else. And I am completely okay with this.

Wish me luck.

Will This Be My Year?

I just got an interview with the company of my dreams!

Snerks Gerks. I am now nervous and excited. This is my first interview since the disastrous literary agency one (where he pretty much said I should consider being a bookseller, for life) and to say this is a big deal is an understatement.

What to do? What to do? First thing, don't freak out. Secondly, prepare to rock this interview like my life is on the line. No pressure, right?

I scheduled it for this Monday to give me some preparing time. "How to land a job" pointers would be much appreciated as I have not been great in that department.

I'm excited. And freaking out. And pondering what I should wear and say. Oh damn, let the madness begin.

The Walk Of Shame

Guess who didn't get home until 8:30 this morning. Yeah, this chick and I don't even have a cool torrid story of a passionate night with Sufjan Stevens to thank for it.

I know the term "walk of shame" has little to do with the events I am about to describe but the title seems fitting; especially because I looked all sorts of shame filled as I walked home wearing the same clothes and hair a mess in the wee hours of the morning.

Before I left for vacation I agreed to work a weird overnight shift at Le Sad Store (upon my arrival) because of current renovations taking place there. Apparently this happens ever so often. Planograms come down from corporate as they make changes to Le Sad Store based on the ever changing face of book retail.

I hate that while I work at a bookstore we are constantly reminded, from managers, the people aren't really buying books anymore. Not at Big, Dumb, Bookstores that sell Coffee and Charades next to aisle containing books by James Joyce and Kerouac anyway. Instead, the way 'some' companies are staying afloat has a lot to do with how little books they actually sell. If people aren't buying as many books as they use to, fill the place with other options. Games, stationery, school supplies, oh and did I mention coffee. Before you know it a bookstore looks less like a bookstore and more like a Department store or Target save all the red.

We knew in advance that a big changeover was upon us. Less books, more crap and a month or so of people (who agreed) working overnight shifts to help the 'renovation' without the hassle of customers. Not dealing with customers was the main reason I agreed to work an overnight or two. Thought I've never done one before I figured I could come to work in regular clothes, not deal with customers and spend all night moving things around with friends. How hard could that be.

The answer is: extremely.

I only found out last Tuesday that I would be working an overnight this Sunday and I was a little more nervous than I thought I would be. For one, I am a sleeper. I sleep a lot. I can sleep for 8 hours, take a four nap and still find another 8 hours to sleep when I get home. I am not even sure the math adds up (4+8+8= 20. That can't be right. And yes, I had to use a calculator) but the point is I have a sleep schedule that I am not entirely proud of but that I follow very well and which would be greatly altered with an overnight.

Secondly, the overnight crew has for the past few weeks consisted of six people working a shift. For some reason, this was downgraded on Sunday to three (a one manager) people in 'charge' of greatly altering the landscape of the kids department.

While I was excited to learn that McAbs (memba' him) would be working the overnight with me, I was still a little...apprehensive. From 9pm to 5:30 in the morning I would have to haul ass to complete an entire renovation of the children's department before morning.

I quickly solved the sleep dilemma by sleeping in all day Sunday. I then bought coffee and red bull when I got to work and stored them in the fridge to be consumed only when deemed necessary. The first part of the night went well. I didn't get tired (or cranky) as quickly as I thought I would. The nice manager bought pizza and made cupcakes for us so I was buzzed from greasy pizza and cupcakes. And while I may never be allowed to use a hammer again I didn't break anything worth replacing.

But closing with McAbs (and my other potential work crush; a nerdy guy who forced me to watch Star Wars or threatened defriending me. in life) was not as great as I thought it would be. I have really absurd ideas about relationships due to my lack of substantial ones. While McAbs and I (and to an extend Star Wars dude) continue to have a really weird flirty thing going on, I can't help but weigh the options of what more there could be between us. You know, if he was single and all.

Because I do like McAbs. Not on the same level as I liked Simon but boys are different. McAbs is a handy, smart, sometimes crude guy who makes me laugh and gives great hugs. He has this running joke that I am his 'work' girlfriend in part because we act like we are in a relationship at work. I nag him about being a brute and forgetting to hug me before he leaves and he ....well okay, so he isn't much of faux boyfriend but he gives really great hugs. I'm a sucker for hugs.

But trust me it's completely innocent. I would never put myself in the position for him to take advantage or for me to get my feelings hurt. He does have a girlfriend and i morals so outside being playful it has gone past the Danger Zone (I've been watching a lot of Archer lately. the phrase is permanently stuck in my head)

I am more than open to a healthy relationship with a single, cute and smart boy who is interested only in being good to me. More than ever it's sort of what I want. Everything else about my life is so unstable (money, job, the damn weather) that having a significant other would be nice.

But until then I sort of still live in la-la lands of what if's in the boy department . I still run truly inappropriate scenarios in my mind involving McAbs and kissy face. And yes, I was a tad excited about 'spending the night' with McAbs,for the most part, alone in Le Sad Store where we could interact (and talk) outside of customers and watchful managers. Because outside of him driving me home on occasions I rarely interact with Mcabs outside of work. He lives in a different town, has a girlfriend and other friends. And because I know that I am a different person once my work shoes come off, I kind of wanted to see McAbs for who he is outside of the constraints of work. Though the irony being that we were both at working during my little experiment.

But after last night I don't think I could tolerate McAbs longer than 20 minutes in the 'real world'. Though he is very cute and muscly and green eye-d (sometimes blue) he was a mess of a boy come the last half of our shift. Not only did he eat too much pizza, drink too much coffee and then complain of stomach ailments the rest of the night but he was frustratingly hard to talk to. When he wasn't talking about his 'junk' or what could be done with his 'junk' or why i would enjoy the 'junk' he was irritable and snappish.

At one point he was like 'i don't mean to complain' followed by a complain and all I could do was walk away for his safety and mine. And i know that we weren't in a typical outside of work environment (being at work and all) but we had the luxury of interacting with each other like two people and he was completely an ass.

He also did not look as vulnerable and cute come 3am, which I imagined all boys happen to be, in the morning when the weariness set in. He was just a big, honking, mess of repeated bathroom runs (he really did eat too much) and frustration. Not only that but both boys got kind of antsy when 5:30 rolled around and we still had a shit more things to do in the department. While I was committed to staying until I possibly couldn't the boys were ready to go and the nice manager sent them home instead of listening to them bitch.

As they were leaving, I was in the music department reloading the cd player for when McAbs and Star Wars Nerd asked if they should stay and help. I don't think that's a question you ask when two other people are staying. Hell, I was tired too. But I wanted to complete the project I was there to do AND I didn't want to leave the manager with a hell of a mess on her hands. And for some reason I thought they should have wanted to stay too. You know, to man up and stick it out. But they didn't. So I ignored them both put on some Adele and worked an extra three hours doing as much as I could while Rolling in the Deep played on rotation.

By the time I left it was 8:30, and I was all sorts of rough looking. People on the street looked at me as if I had just had some scandalous evening with a man and I was too tired to even shoot them the 'if you only knew the half of it story'. Yeah, this week is a not a good week for my crush on Mcabs. And my Walk of Shame was uneventful and tiring. I guess it's for the best.

Of course my back (from all the shifting and lifting and curling up in a ball )is a wreck now and I am all sorts of achy. I suppose another shower would help but at this point moving is damn near impossible. I have also not slept in 24 hours, in order to make sleeping a lot easier tonight, and cannot wait until it is bedtime (I imagine I will look something like my cat, pictured above, when sleep rolls around).

Dear Life, please start getting a little more manageable. I would greatly appreciate it.

Introverts Lament

Good god, today was just...awful.

The next time I have an IT related problem at work remind me not to call Le Sad Store's IT department. Doing so not only put me in the worst moods ever but I seriously had to leave work early in order not to stab someone. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

It seems that my absence was surely missed at Le Sad Store while I was away. After a coming home on Sunday and a much needed rest of Monday I was immediately thrust back into the work grind. The evil manager scheduled me to work six days in a row this week as if to make up for the long week and a half that I was away.

Working six days in a row is just not right, especially coming off a really great and relaxing vacation. But evil manager has a tendency of going around decency because she's evil and doesn't care if working six days in a row will wear you down. She often schedules people to do a clopen (a shift that consists of you closing the store, say a 5 to 11, only to have to work in the morning, say a 10-5) or a double or a six day work week and when you voice concerns about it she'll say something like "well, i do it all the time so suck it up".

Of course when someone says something like this to you a couple of things run through your mind: 'but you're a manager' 'who the hell cares if you've done it before', 'fuck'. I obviously had some concerns about working six days in a row but because I've been gone for so long I didn't want to say anything about having an extra day to myself. I simply and quite disappointingly 'sucked it up' because vacation was truly that amazing and I was fortunate enough to be able to take that many days off without it being an issue.

But oh, how being away can make you forget that people are stupid ashats, especially in retail. In the past six days I've come across a very rude lady from the Midwest ('your store is sooooo messy. this is nothing like the store i frequent where i live), an intolerable 'this is why i shop on amazon' guy and the regulars who don't by anything but constantly ask for help and/or complain about something.

The 'I shop on amazon guy' was especially aggravating because he would not stop telling me about, even though I showed no interest in listening to him, the reasons why our bookstore was going out of business. 'People, just don't buy books anymore' he continued after the 8 minutes of me trying to get him the hell out of the store so I could help someone else. After he said something along the lines of 'I think that's what killed your guys', I had to remind him that BORDERS is the bookstore chain going out of business not Le Sad Store and that people 'including yourself, who just so happens to be shopping in a bookstore today, still read books so Le Sad Store will be okay'.

He shrugged his shoulders (perhaps after realizing that the he'd gotten the bookstore mixed up and his comment that 'people don't buy books anymore' , as he was, er, um, buying books, completely contradicted his initial statement) and said 'well, amazon is still better'.

After five days of dumb questions, stank eyes, and one guy trying to hide the fact that he was reading porn in the medical reference section, I was running on empty. Lack of sleep, lack of patience, lack of ability to focus on anyone or thing. Just last week (or so ago) I was home, with my mom and my brother and three cats, enjoying the silence of the small town living and introverted bliss and am now I back into the bustle and hustle of retail, where I work around people who hate don't seem to like staying home.

The bookstore has become my worst nightmare. I am completely stumped by why people want to spend their weekends (or any day) at the store for long periods of time. From teenagers who detest reading but love Fraps, to grown adults who sit in the the store up until the minute we close, Le Sad Store is a place people come to to hang out in more so than buy books. Sure people love books, and some even buy them but for the most part working in a huge chain store opens your eyes to the real nature of book sales. The industry does not survive from folks like you and me who read books because we love them. The nerdy girls and boys who are very particular about the things we read and buy are not who shop in big chain bookstores.

Instead the 'omg! oprah recommended a new book' or the 'i just saw the movie so I now i must read the story' people are the ones purchasing books. And because every week some jerk on Fox news (no offense) or some critic from the new york times recommends a title, people come out in search of a recommendation they most likely will buy and then not read. This is the true nature of working at a big bookstore. People are sometimes surprised when they ramble a title to us and we don't have to search the computer to find out where it is. I have had several people say 'you must really know your books' and I sadly reply 'no, it's just people keep asking for the same title'.

As a book loving person, this is heartbreaking because I go to bookstores for the sole purpose of finding and buying literature. For me, books need to be discovered. Titles need to find you after a long search. I don't read the new york times to find a great recommendation. I talk to my friends, I search the aisle, I sometimes find a really cool book description in my favorite magazine (GQ, Nylon) which have become trusted sources. Because as a bibliophile, I like thumbing through the aisle in search of a title that catches my eye. I am a huge book nerd who appreciates the quality of readable books rather than mainstream trends (I'm talking about you 'Game of Thrones').

And as an introvert bookstores use to be a place where I could go and look for books and find solace in the quiet atmosphere. But now that I have slaved away in a bookstore, the sense of calm and solace I once felt in the place has all but evaporated. Not all bookstores of course, the small independents ones will always have my heart, but I don't think I will ever shop in a Le Sad Store once I leave. I have seen too many truly horrible things there that makes me think differently about bookstores in general. And when I have to work, lets say on the weekend, I can not for the life of understand why anyone, would want to leave the confides of their home to hang out in Le Sad Store. Why of all the places in the world, you'd want to come to an overly priced, insufficiently stocked place where teenagers crowd the aisles and a diet book is the number 1 bestselling item in the store.

I guess this is why on the weekends, I am in no mood to play nice with strangers. I am very curt and too the point and desperate to get them out of the store as quick as possible. People have a tendency of being much more of a douche on the weekends and I catch myself having to take a breather every once in a while to regain composure. to bit my tongue. to remember that I am a person above all else.

But six days can wear a person down, and today I was just...over it, more than usual. The moment we opened it was one thing after another and after having one of the worst IT experiences ever I asked to go home early. I simply removed my name tag, dropped my work phone in a managers hand and said I was going home. two hours early. screw working six days.

You remember that SNL skit where Jimmy Fallon plays the annoying and self righteous computer guy Nick Burns. I may have gotten him on the phone today and because he wasn't close enough to strangle all I could do was silently cry inside. I've never had to call IT at work before, because I don't deal with any digital e-reader questions, but because people come to customer service instead of the digital service counter located near the cash registers, I sometimes have to field questions as best as I can.

Unfortunately I got a question that was not easy for me to answer and the manager, standing near by, wanted me to call IT support in order to resolve the issue. When I call the IT guy, who talked a mile a minute, he tried to have me explain to two very confused and not tech savvy customers how to resolve their digital issue. That went all to shit quickly.

On one end, I have fucking Nick Burns, sounding very frustrated (he did one of those 'talking through your teeth, closed mouths, exasperated thing) and annoyed that I am not explaining the solution better and on the other end I have a nice, but terribly tech-less, gentleman repeating 'what'd he say, huh, what does that mean, dear he wants to send me an email where, aol, my password is fluffy, say what?'.

It was like the game telephone, I being on the receiving end of two very different descriptions of the same damn message at the same damn time. At one point, I casually drop the phone on Nick Burns and walk away from the very old and confused customer to find a manager. I try to explain to her that someone else has to help, that there is no way I can talk to Nick Burns and the old guy and the help the seven customers now waiting in line. Because she is no help, I eventually decided to revolve the issue by putting 'nick' on the phone with 'old guy' and having them talk it out.

And then, i let the manager know that I was not feeling well and was going home. She let me leave early of course (i wish I would have just walked out), and I then proceeded to spend the next four hours under my covers.I haven't done that in a while.

I just don't think I can do this anymore. I am tired and frustrated and so unhappy at Le Sad Store it hurts. I need there to be some sort of change already. While I am sort of nervous about taking on the responsibility of dare i say, a real job, there is no way I continue at the bookstore unless I want to lose my sanity.

Luckily I have tomorrow off and Heather and I are going to grab lunch and discuss job hunting woes. I haven't hung out with her since the end of May and I am looking forward to being around someone who doesn't work with me. Is it sad that I just got back from vacation and I am in need of another break from things.

Back to the Real World.

So, vacation is officially over.

I arrived in new york yesterday after 15 hours on an Amtrak train. And I am wiped out.

The older I get the more I enjoy going home for a short period of time. When I lived in the south there was always this internal tension regarding my life there.

I despised everything about living in the south: the people, the slowness, the endless stretch of greenery, the boredom, and silence. I just hated living there. When my mom moved my brother and I down south, it felt as if I'd been expelled from New York. Robbed of the experience of being a teen there.

For the better part of middle school and high school all I could think about was what life would have been life for me if we'd stayed in New York. I, of course, imagined the sort of experience the teen shows of my youth glamorized. A nerdy yet adventure fueled existence in a high school that I liked with friends that were like family.

And all of that dreaming and pondering about what life could have been made me shut any and all southern rendition of that life from happening. And to be honest it will be the one thing I regret about my time in south carolina growing up; that instead of just adapting to my situation and making the best out of it, I sort of shut down as I have a tendency of doing.

I think about this now because come august I will have been in new york for three years. Three years out of college and the safety of my moms home. Three years from the state and region I so desperately wanted to leave. And while, I love living in New York after three years I have in some way reconciled with the south I fled.

Going home is miles different than I thought it would be post graduation. It is a much more rejuvenating and calming. Days before my vacation I was a bundle of nerves because of excitement and anxiety. Traveling has something to do with it, but among all of that I was just ready to go home. To my family and admittedly to South Carolina.

You know when you haven't seen someone in a really long time; an old friend or ex-flame, and you get that weird nervous spell in your belly because there is a history you have had with this person, there are experiences forged to be never forgotten with them. And while the two of you have grown distant and gotten older, changed and are shaped different views, moved on and created something new for yourself, when you see them again you want to be presentable. You want to show yourself off to show growth in the face of something that use to define you.

I don't know if that makes sense. Probably not. But I guess what i'm trying to say that going home will forever be like a reconnecting with an old flame. A meeting and coming to terms with something (or one) that I feel has shaped who I am today. And while our relationship was not always the healthiest, while we both hurt and injured one another out of ignorance and fear, I will always have a bond with 'him'.There will always be a place in some crevice of my being that belongs to South Carolina.

And being home was great. I spent some time in Charleston and at USC with my mom before heading home where my brother and three newly adopted stray cats awaited me. I meet my nephew for the first time, who did not take kindly to the weird girl trying to snap pictures of him. He cried most of the time I was there and I made a promise that our next meeting wouldn't be so traumatic. On either of us.

I visited some old and familiar places; a Dam in Georgia, a state garden and a handful of thrift stores that my mom frequents. I snapped photos along the way, too many to be honest and made my peace with south carolina along the way.

The days sort of flew by and before I knew it my vacation had come and gone. Leaving is always difficult,now especially, that my mom, brother and I are finally at places in our lives when the arguments have stopped and we generally enjoy being around us. Where my brother would once ignore me he was actually authentically happy to see me. He bought me lunch and played the Scott Pilgrim video game with me and when I left he gave me the hugest hug ever.

And it is so weird that only 2 days ago I was in South Carolina sitting in the living room with my brother and mom and now I am in New York struck dumb by the humidly but generally excited to be back. My vacation is over but I have the energy to pick back up where I left off. While I am not happy at all to return to Le Sad Store, I was over the moon to see some of my friends today who all received huge bear hugs.

And maybe it's the vacation high, but I do feel as if things will pick up for me. Because going home has a way of lighting a fire under my butt to make a life for myself work here. Not because I don't want to return to South Carolina but because going home reminds me of my purpose here. That all of this isn't for nothing. That the part of south carolina that has made me who I am will be proud of the things I will do here, miles and miles away from home.

I like feeling optimistic about things.

Now, if I can unpack my suitcase that will be awesome. I brought a lot of things back with me and must find a place to put them. Including a handful of books, like I need anymore books in this room. Tomorrow I start what will be six days straight of work so if I get the mess out of the way now, I won't be bothered by it when I'm too exhausted to do much of anything else.

Back to the Real World I go.

Beckett.

Oh, and i'll uploading some vacation photos here for anyone who wants to take a look.

Vacation

Yep. Enjoying myself a lot.

Going Home.

Vacation starts today and in a few hours I will be on a train (planes still freak me out) to South Carolina.

Thank God.

I ended up doing an awful 10 hour shift at le sad store yesterday because some one called out and they needed help on the floor. I asked if I could leave early (for traveling purposes) but my manager pretty much made me feel guilty for wanting to leave...so I stayed.

It was probably the worst decision I've made in the last few days. Yesterday was just dreadful, I mean as soon as I walked in people were panicking and complaining about the workload and the shitty customers. Customers literally make working in retail a billion times worse than it should be. We were backed up with projects to complete in the store, which we never even got the chance to finish because ashats were asking for 'summer reading' books all night.


So naturally I am very excited about heading home. I have general anxieties about traveling in general but I know I when reach South Carolina, all the worries from the last few days will fade away. Writing will be a little light (as it has been for a while, i apologize) but expect a lot of pictures. My mom is taking me to Charleston this time around and I have always found that city so majestic.

Anyway, I have a few more things to do before I head out. I am determined to bring as little things home as possible but that is not going well as I try to squeeze more books in my suitcase. Damn.

~Beckett

Home Has Never Looked So Sweet.

Good God, I'm home. Should I kiss the floor now or wait until after this post.

I like my house a lot. It's an old colonial style house on the top of a steep hill. When I look outside my window I can see the lights from the center of town to my left as well as the trees from the park nearby to my right. Despite the creaky floors and chipped paint, broken doorknob and rough carpet... I love my house. And for $600/month, this house has been my greatest investment here.

But, I have not slept in my house for past three nights thanks to my aunt and her job. You know those commercials where someone breaks into a picture perfect house setting off an alarm the awakens the picture perfect family and then the screen switches to a concerned representative from the alarm company who calls to make sure that everything is alright at the family's home...well that is what my aunt does. Except, she really just sits around for most of her shift in an office somewhere waiting for something to happen.

She usualy works the morning shift, but thanks to a co-worker quiting at the last minute her job had to move around some schedules this week until they could hire someone to take the midnight shift. This is where I come in. Because my aunt had to work a midnight-8 shift (except friday) and my college aged cousin has to work 7-5 at his summer camp job she had no one to watch Michelle from 7 to roughly 9 o'clock in the morning. And because I am the dependable, responsible relative who loves Michelle to pieces, I was the only person she could ask.

I absolutely adore hanging out with my cousin Michelle. She is a inquisitive, polite, adventurous six year old. We recently saw Judy Moody together (terrible movie) and she eagerly shared her snacks with me to make sure I was comfortable. Recently she picked up the gardening bug and has planted her very first tomato plant. I love this child fiercely as if she were my own, and I have no problems watching her ever. I even asked if my aunt needed me to come over on the fourth to watch michelle and or babysit if necessary. But she said it wasn't so I made other plans.

I wanted this July 4th to be low key this year. I took the day off because I couldn't bear being at work with annoying people. I spent most of the morning talking to my mom on the phone because the 4th will always be a little rough for our family. Three years later and the grief thing is getting...easier, I guess. But His birthday and death will always be...tough, there is no way around it.

Some of my friends were having BBQ's, others were going to hit up bars later on in the day. While I was asked to attend most of these activities, I instead decided to stay home and watch a bunch of British Television shows thanks to Netflix. I love America and being an American but the Brits won on the programming front.

So when my phone rang as I was on who knows what episode of the IT Crowd, I was shocked to hear my aunts voice (who never calls) on the other end. She called to ask if I wanted to come over because her neighbor was having a BBQ. There would be hotdogs, and hamburgers, and french fries....'oh, and do you think you could spend the night'. Say what?

She explained the situation (there was no one to watch Michelle in the morning) and I agreed to spend the night thinking it was going to be just 1 night. 3 nights later and I am finally home. I've been living out of a messenger bag for the past few days and after i finish watching Star Wars V I'm taking a nap. I am exhausted.

Michelle was as delightful as could be, but everything else was terribly the same at my aunts house. There was still this sense of complete chaos and dysfunction. Her house has never felt like a home because it is constantly in a state of 'renovation'. She can't decided on a paint color for the walls so there are several color strips on the wall. She has more random appliances in her house than Sears catalogue and I may have stepped in cereal she no longer had in her cabinet.

Everything was a mess which probably explains why I got bitten by a spider on my first night on the couch. Michelle and I feel asleep during Macy's Fourth of July Spectacular and when we awoke the next day we were all sorts of marked up with bug bites.For some reason, I got the worst of it. I had a pretty disturbing bruise on my arm that was red, swollen and itchy. I didn't think too much of it, until Wednesday when the bite marked had double in size.

The bump on my arms was the size of a golf ball. And while I've never had the chance to use the phrase in a sentence, the description it's not an exaggeration. Yesterday when I walked in, to work, I immediately complained about my arm, My manager asked to see the bite in question and when I pulled up my sleeve he let out a gasp, gagged a little and said that my arm didn't look good.

As soon as he said that my other co-worker asked 'what doesn't look good?' and came over to check out my arm. When i turned it towards him I swear to bob he recoiled in disgust. He tried to look away but couldn't, and went to touch it but then stopped. And then just backed away and said I needed to get my arm looked at.

By the time lunch rolled around my arm was the topic of discussion. Everyone wanted to a) see it and b) diagnosis it. Some one gave me bendryl to kill off the infection (by then it was established a spider was the most likely cause) which made me irritable and sleepy the whole shift.

I of course had to head home (after work), shower, change and de-stress before heading back to my aunts house for the third time this week. I shouldn't have come home. My bed looked so soft and comfortable and the orange cat who has claimed my room as his own took his seat near the window per usual. It was tough having to pry myself and him from the room last night.

Needless to say I am very very happy to be home today. I didn't think I could miss my bedroom this much. Because today is my last day off before vacation I have a lot of cleaning and packing to do. The plan is to pack light so that I have room in my suitcase to bring a lot of things back in. My mom has a tendency of buying me things when I'm home ( i know. it sucks. gosh) and I could use some new jeans and shirts. I'm just saying.

This vacation can't get here fast enough. I have a tendency of stepping up my A game after being home for a bit and I have high hopes that post trip to south carolina I will have a job. A real crappy, entry level one. I saw transformers the other day and rolled my eyes several times as Sam (shia lebeouf) struggled to find a job the first 30 minutes of the movie. When his parents come to visit Sam in D.C (where he lives in a beautiful apartment with his too gorgeous girlfriend) they are disappointed to learn that 3 months out of college he has yet to find a job. 3 months, try 3 years Sam! And then there is an awful montage of him going on interviews. Not only did he go on 7 in like one day but he gets an awful job working with a creepy John Malkovich.

I hate movies that depict post grad life. Even in the simpliest of forms.

I haven't had any luck in the interview department since March, nor have I ever had 7 damn interviews in one day (come to think of it I don't think I have seven job interviews in the last 3 years), so I figure something will come my way after vacation. It always does.

Ugh, time for a nap. The last few days have felt more like work than actual work and the days before vacation are going to be hectic.

Babysitting.

So i haven't slept at home in three days. THREE.

And it's not because me and Sufjan Stevens have finally shacked up. Of course not. Instead, my aunt (yes the one who kicked me out of her house a year and a half ago) needs me to babysit my lovely and adorable cousin during the evenings while she works a Midnight-8 shift at her job this week.

While I love spending time with my cousin Michelle, I do not miss living with my aunt. The last three days have been hell. Though our relationship is much better than it was a some months ago, her house is not my home and I have not adjusted to being in that house again. Even though my stay in temporary (tomorrow will be my last day house/babysitting) I can not get over house unfamiliar everything is. How I don't fit into the space there.

I've slept a total of 12 hours in the last 72 hours and I now have a disgusting spider bite on my arm which I recieved while sleeping on my aunt's couch. The bite is bad. It's like my arm is giving birth to another arm. I came into work today and people were mortified by it. Everyone gave suggestions ('gurl you need to see a doctor' was my favorite) and then supplied me with drugs (the legal kind) before staring at the bite in disgust again.

The general consensus is that I need to see a doctor because clearly the bite on my arm is not normal...at all. It's fucking huge!

So not only am I irriated, drowsy, and giving birth to a mutant side arm but I have another night at my aunts house to bear. I stopped home first (big mistake) to take a shower, get some fresh clothes and hug my bed but now I am off to another night where the bugs will no doubt violate me in my sleep.

I think I am most irritated that she knows she can ask me to sleepover and watch michelle because I don't have anything else going on. That I am always the girl with the free time. And don't get me wrong I love being around my cousin but by the time I even get to the house she is asleep and I am sitting alone in the living room frustrated with being there.

Le sigh. I can't wait til things get back to normal. I need my sanity back. I need a propers days rest in my own damn bed.

So, I Guess This Is Where You Call Me A...

...Meanie.

As a relatively nice and sweet human being I am rarely called anything but...well, nice and sweet. I am by no means perfect I admit this, I am human after all. I get frustrated and aggravated like the next gal but mean I am not. Until today that is.

My patience is winding down at Le Sad Store. With only two weeks left until I am on a train to South Carolina (VACATION!) where I will spend eight stress free and book shelving (customer helping) days, I don't think I will make it at Le Sad Store.

Unfortunately I feel like this blog has become a job venting spot. I apologize for the amount of posts I make about work. But work for me takes up so much of my life right now that it is my main source of journal writing material. Most of my friends are people I work with, I work five days a week at Le Sad Store (when they aren't cutting me down to 3) and on my days off I like to spend all my time away from everyone.

Tuesday and Thursdays have become an oasis for me. Where the annoyances from my job nearly brings me to tears every shift, my days off are ideal. I don't do anything special on those days but the fact that they are spent away from people abuse the word 'customer service' is enough for me. I don't have to answer the phones, or stupid questions or point to the travel section. I don't have to pick up after people or chase down children who are not with their parents. I don't have to give creepy guys the stank eye for opening the porn mags in the fiction aisle, and I am only concerned on my days with making sure I am happy. No one else. Tuesday and Thursday are my sanity.

On Tuesday the theater charges only 6 dollars for any movie showing. All Day. So me and a friend from work usually attend a movie in the afternoon, after I have spent some time at the library getting books to read. On Thursday I stay inside all day. I have no care to step outside and face the world. By then, I've collected all my library books and snacks in advance so that I don't have to make any impromptu trips. The landlady's cat and I lounge in my room all day (the cat likes to chill at the windowsill, I in bed) where books are the only friends I crave.

I need my Tuesday and Thursdays, because lately people have been driving me crazy and not in a normal people are annoying way. Especially at work, it is damn near impossible for me to head into my shift with anything but contempt on my face. With school just out, parents have come in the store angrily yelling at us because we don't have anymore copies of a book their kid has to read for the summer. The store is trashed daily as if people weren't taught the concept of cleaning up after themselves. And the people who come in every day (the regulars. who I swear have no job) treat the place like home, so much to the point that they never want to leave and bang on the gates early in the morning when our morning meetings get a little long.

While I am usually able to be the better person in all of these situations, I have currently lost the will or patience these days to do so. The drudgery is stifling and predictable. I cannot stand when customers address me by my name (or worse an affectionate nickname) because I work there. I am tired of having to put up with people's shit because I work in retail. I understand that I wear a name tag and a part of my job description is about customer satisfaction. But when someone calls to at noon to ask if the store is open...customer satisfaction does not exist anymore. Just plain contempt. Plain ol' contempt.

The last few days have been dreadful at Le Sad Store. I already know what titles people are looking for (into thin air, the chosen, the outsiders and among the hidden), I already know what they'll say if we don't have it (is there another store near by, this is why i shop on amazon) and I've grown thick skin against the pushy 'so basically you are telling me you don't have the book I want. Well what help are you' customers. Every day they chip at my soul and I try to hold on to my own sanity.

The summer reading thing is very bothersome to me:

Summer reading for me was never mandatory when I was a kid. At the end of the year, the teacher sent us home with a list of books that were suggested reading and because I was a nerdy, nerdy kid I read the books because I wanted to. It's completely different now. The kids who come into the store can't even pronounce the title of the books they have to read (how do you pronounce Beloved? I can bet it's not how this chap the other day pronounced it).

I like having to discover books and authors to read. I like thumbing through an aisle and stumbling upon things. And while I completely encourage required reading, the looks on these kids face are painful. As if reading is something entirely boring and soul sucking.

Surprisingly this is the least of my issues with the store as of late. The regulars are killing me. They are there every day fighting (yes, actually fighting) for the most comfortable seats in our store. We know, almost all of them by name and they have tried unsuccessfully to know all of us in some way or another. I refuse to engage with someone who spends more time at the store than I do. I refuse! They ask to use our phone regularly, to find books for them they have no intention of buying and sometimes (most of the times) they try to engage in conversations as if we are friends.

There is one fellow in particular who is a regular nuisance. A rather portly guy in his mid 30's who frequents the store with his mom sometimes (he lives with her). Every day, sans mother, he comes in the store and asks if we have the new issue of playboy on the shelf. He has asked me on several occasions along with a bunch of us on the floor, even though he already knows the answer. He also has a tendency of speaking in an Indian accent to us though he is not Indian. He has done so at the registers because he thinks it is funny and one or two of us have let him know that is is offensive and inappropriate do an a stereotypical accent.

Recently, he has discovered a book in the humor section called The Fart book. It's what you think it is: a book with 8 buttons you can push that emit the sound of different farts. Creepy guy thinks this book is hilarious and makes a point of pulling it from the shelves so he can stand by customer service and push the button. For the past two weeks, he has carried this book around the store, 'sharing' the sound with customers and laughing childishly.

I have often thought of ripping the book out of his hands, of slamming it on the nearest counter and pointing out that it wasn't funny the first time he did and it is not funny now. It is clear that he is someone who suffers from horrible social skills. He does not know when enough is enough and because no one has told him differently he continues to act like a complete nuisance in public.

During our breaks we often talk about our most hated customers, and he ranks number one all the time. He is like that kid in high school who puts the kick me target on his back because his antics are annoying. He needs attention from people and cannot see when said person has become uncomfortable.

Because I was already in a bad mood I was none to happy to see him today as soon as the door opened with the Fart Book in his hand. He made his way slowly to customer service with this smile on his face and I already knew what he was going to say.

"excuse me, excuse me, tee hee, hey, don't you think this book is funny, tee hee, excuse me, excuse me, this book don't you think it's funny, fart book, tee hee, you need to look at it".

I being an amazing customer service rep, ignored him. But instead of walking away he came around the other side just in case I didn't hear him. My manager (who was also ignoring him), turned to me and we started having a conversation about nothing above the sound of his voice so he would get the picture and walk away. The two of us ignoring him made an impact and he eventually went to bother someone else.

Per usual, I let everyone know that there was a Creeper sighting in order to prepare them for his presence. Some of us have discussed that the only way to get him to stop a) being a bother and b) annoying us is to be direct. That when he is being inappropriate we need to call him on it.

But that too is something we aren't technically allowed to do. While we spend are shifts complaining about the customers who frequent the store, retail revolves around them. And while I refuse to cater or baby or be less of a person because I wear a name tag all day, I can't be all out rude.

But I thought Creepy guy was done for the day. I thought that the anger and frustration that has been building up these last two weeks would go away because he had gone away. But that would be too easy. An hour or two before my shift ended I caught sight of his superman t-shirt heading to customer service. Immediately I made a bee-line to warm whomever was there that he was on the prowl. But before I could get there, Creeper was talking to a co-worker at customer service and as I expected he wanted to know if we had any fart books in the store.

He knew where the fart book was. He put the damn thing away only hours earlier. He just wanted someone to type up the word fart in the search engine, so he could 'tee hee' and snicker.

But for some reason, I saw this as my opportunity to get something off of my chest. I approach Creeper as my coworker was typing in the title and said:

Me: "You know where the book is. Because you come in here every day and ask us to find it for you. You know this, you were just here a few hours ago. Every Day you do this!"

"Oh. I'm Sorry. Tee Hee. But I just want to know who the author is?"

Me:"No you don't. You want us to look for a book that you've put away a million times. It's becoming a little much. We understand that it is funny already. You don't have to keep telling us"

Silence.


More Silence.

My coworker was completely taken aback and didn't know what to say or do...so he kept trying to find the name of the author of the Fart Book. When he finally retrieved the name, Creepy guy sulked away (embarrassed) to the wonderful world of fart sounds.

When I came across the other side of customer service to discuss what just happened, my co-workers said that I was out of line (say what). That I should not have said what I said to the Creeper. That if a manager or someone else were in ear shot I would have gotten in trouble.

And he's right. I would have been written up.But seriously, I just couldn't take it anymore. I haven't been able to take much of Le Sad Store anymore. The stupid questions, the insensitive customers, the repetition. The old people telling me to perk up, the young people laying in the aisle. It takes all of my strength to treat the customers with any level of respect (well the ones who are nice obviously are treated so). And this guy just incites something within me that borders on rage. Unbridled annoyed rage.

Before my shift ended the music manager (a teddy bear kind of a guy) came over to tell me that a customer had complained about me to him. He smiled and said that a heavy set guy in a blue shirt said that I was a meanie(yep, meanie) and that I provided horrible customer service in regards to a fart book he was looking for.

For christ sakes. I'm officially a meanie.

I need a vacation. I need one quick. While I am not too worried about this guy calling me a 'mean person', I am quite upset that he has a small point. Working in retail is taking a toll on me. I am losing all faith in people. I am quickly annoyed and displeased with strangers and find myself having little to no patience with their expectations from me. And it's a shame because generally I like people, I am always able to see the humanity in them but lately it is as if everyone possess qualities that I find aggravating and it is making me bitter.

I don't want to be a mean person. I don't want to come across as a bitch. But the more I work in retail the more my complaints about people grow. And the only remedy is to escape before I have become a person who I can't look at in the mirror. Before I join the ranks as one of those people jaded by the real world and turned sour too quickly by the experience.

Sick Day.

Ugh between watching Judy Moody (horrible movie) with my six year old cousin, crying softly through Super 8 (the movie is damn near perfect in my eyes) and consuming an abundance of candy, movie snacks and food...I am sick.

Sick. Sickly. Icky Ickly. Sick.

There are pros and cons to my current situation. Pro's: I was able to leave work uber early today for fear of vomiting on patrons and/or passing out in the aisle somewhere. I will also get to utilize a sick day tomorrow because I rarely (ever) call out of work. I have stocked up on soup, saltine crackers and for some reason a cheap box set of Nightmare on Elm street from Target to busy me in my sick state.

Cons: Being sick.

I am achy and light headed and generally ill feeling today. Yesterday was an epic marathon of hanging out with my aunt and baby cousin, sitting through one of the worst kid flicks I have ever seen and then sitting through one of the best movies I have ever seen soon after. By 6 o'clock I thought 'hey, I'm not feeling all that great but maybe I am just worn out'. But when I got home, my body sort of crashed, my head sort of exploded and all out flu-like symptoms took hold.

While being sick is never fun, being away from people for a while to get better is just what i need. I am worn down and exhausted and all kinds of in need for some TLC.

And because I haven't had a proper sick day in a very long time I am going to do it up in style. I am going to remain in bed for the next two days with only soup, juice and netflix near by. Should my phone ring I will promptly move it away from me. I will read my old school fear street novel from front to back because it is a quick and easy read. And pj's will be my sick outfit of choice. Pants are optional.

Outside of feeling terrible I am looking forward to resting up for a while. I doubt that I have the summer flu but I do think being generally exhausted has something to do with my current state.

Super 8

...was amazing.

the end.

New Digs

First proper day in new room and while I am still figuring out where I want to place things, I know already that I adore the view.

While it was beyond hot today an unexpected afternoon thunderstorm cooled things down for a bit and of course prompted me to take some shots of the view from my window.

If it could rain like this everyday I would be the happiest gal around. I am not sure I am going to have AC this summer because the landlady hasn't said anything yet and knowing me I won't bring it up. Though this is the coolest room in my house this heatwave has all but squashed any hopes that I would have a heat free room. I spent a bulk of my day lying very still, sleeping and moving only to get more pink lemonade.

And then out of nowhere the clouds sort of grumbled and rain started pouring and maybe I was a little delusion but the heat dropped. And for a few short hours it was a nice summer afternoon, full of rain and comfort.

I'm sort of glad this week is over. Moving has taken everything out of me. Naturally I always carry with me a feeling of displacement, and having to move has made the feeling ever more present.

While next week promises to be more time consuming, I hope, at least on the home front, that the things will fall into place. That instead of having everything I own all over the place that they will have a spot to rest soon.

Until then rain and low lights will be my solace. I find the breeze and view from this new room to be phenomenal.

Good Times.

Switching rooms should not be this traumatic. The space is larger, there is more light and the view from my new window is awesome. But as I get ready to finish my final day of packing so that I can be move into the room right down the hall, I am filled with a sense of sadness at having to leave this space (though Nicole has made it quite clear that she is ready to have her own room).

I like this room. A lot. It took me a while to get use to it. The hues. The light. The sounds from across the street. But like most things, I made it mine...eventually. And I have enjoyed every day in this room.

And it's not to say that I won't like the new space because already, I am quite smitten with the layout. But I can't say that I won't walk by the room ever so often and wish that it was my space again. Le sigh.

I should be fully moved into the new room today. Friends from work offered to help, but I told them I could manage shuffling things down a hallway. And plus it will give me some time alone in both rooms.

My mom thinks this upgrade is only the beginning. Yes, she is one of those moms who puts a positive, optimistic spin on everything. "new room" she says "new job, new everything". It's the way energy of the world works. And maybe she is right. Well, hopefully because while I am anxious about leaving the things that make me comfortable behind. The excitement over upgrades cannot be denied. Beginnings are exciting, like that lyric from that Semisonic song "every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end".

I'm sort of ready for change. Scared and anxious and a little bit misty eyed. But ready.

Time to finish packing. It is going to be a long day.

Moving Day.

So a couple of weeks ago my awesome landlady informed me that one of the tenants would be moving out the first week of June. Outside of Mary (landlady) and her daughter (Nicole) I rarely run into the other two guys who live here. One resides in the room near the attic and the other has the room next to mine.

I've run into both of them a total of ten times since living here, and I kind of love that they are quiet and keep to themselves. So when she told me that the guy next to me was leaving in June, I sort of grew anxious at the thought of having a new roommate. I enjoy having the house to myself during the day. I enjoy the quiet mornings and access to the kitchen and laundry room. With another roommate comes the possibility of less alone time at home, especially if there schedule is anything like me.

But those fears were soon squashed when Mary announced that instead of getting a new tenant she wanted to give Nicole, now 9, a room of her own. Nicole has shared a room with her mother since her was a babe but now that she is older she wants her own space, as any bieber obsessed pre-teen. Because I have the smallest room in the house (which is medium size by normal standards) she wanted to know if we could do a switcheroo. With the guy next door leaving, I could have his room (with no changes in rent) so that Nicole could reside in mine.

A larger room? No change in rent? Yes please. While I adore this room, passing up a bigger one would be silly. Of course, while I knew that I would be potentially upgrading to a larger space in a few weeks I made no attempts to clean my current room in preparation. The guy next door is leaving tomorrow and Mary says I can move in as soon as possible. Preferably by Wednesday as Nicole has picked out the color she wants this room to be (purple. yikes) and painter will be there sometime this week.

While I am happy about getting a new room (and a new bed) I hate moving. Even moving just a mere two feet to my left is daunting. I have so many books, and cd's and dvd's to pack or rather to collect in order to make the move easier. I should have done that during the day instead of watching Court Tv and napping. I should have starting preparing my things for a new space instead of chilling in my current one.

Of course, that did not happen. And now I am mere days from moving into my new room with a mess currently in this one. Damn.

I apologize for the sporadic posting. Apparently I suck at balancing life, sleep and writing. Even with three days off this week, I haven't completed anything worth talking about.

And I must admit that I am really starting to hate being a reader for this literary agency. Because I am not paid for doing the reader responses I turn in, I feel less interested in actually reading the submissions. I put in about 10% of an effort to read and get a feeling for the entries but eventually succumb to sheer boredom and misery that I am required to write something about each submission.

I need to hang onto this gig long enough for it to look good on my resume but I admit this foot in the door opportunity feels more like a chore. One that I am not getting paid to even endure. And while I thought June would usher in a job opportunity, I have not heard anything back about future employment. I even applied (again) to the place I had that disastrous interview with last year. I know, I know, I know that I am only setting myself up for disappointment. But I am desperate and in need of a new job (quick) so it can't hurt to throw myself into the applicant pool again. Who knows, maybe she will hate me less the second time around.

Maybe.

I should really clean this room now. I will wait until the house is quiet so I can put the days worth of garbage outside. Note to Self: clean room more often. It will make packing things up a lot easier.

~Beckett

Oh, and I have a new Grilled Cheese post up. It's about the quarter life crisis, I am uber proud of the post because it's the most relevant and personal thing I've written on that blog.