I've run out of motivation and energy. Which is never a good thing when you are trying to get a job and move to England. What in the world has happened to my life.
I can't even begin to explain how I feel about Heather getting a job. It's a blow to my very sensitive ego these days and I wanted to smash things like a character from the Flintstones. Bamm Bamm was his name.
I was already having a shit week and to come into work yesterday and hear that she not only got the job she wanted but that she quit the bookstore without any notice was...unbearable. Being unable to find stable employment is sucking the life out of me. It has made me question every skill I ever thought I had. I keep hearing that I just lack the experience, but how can I ever get the experience if no one will hire me.
I can't even go into work with a smile on my face anymore. I literally hate being there with every fiber of my body. I feel caged in an endless pit of customers, books, and digital e-readers. And I know this phase of my life is suppose to suck . I know this. But why can't it suck at a crappy office job. Why can't it suck with a 9-5 job with weekends off and benefits. Why must it suck whilst I slave away at a retail store finding corners I can hide in.
And it feels like EVERYONE Is leaving or moving on or finding crappy sub jobs in fucking Newburgh and I can't even get a desk job. It's heartbreaking.
I couldn't even concentrate yesterday because immediately I was filled with jealousy. And in a very immature move I silently prayed that she would be teaching awful bratty eight graders who will make her question teaching. I know I'm a horrible horrible person.
Wallowing in self pity is pretty hard to do when most of the people I 'hang out' with do not understand the expectations I have set for myself. When you are use to be the brightest student and the one with all the potential not being able to achieve a level of success in an entry level career is difficult to grasp.
I mean when Marie said my degree in English was useless I wanted to claw her eyes out. How dare she invalidate four years of my college career just because I didn't major in science or business. And I stand by my decision to switch my major. I freaking love/loved English. When I was a science major my only solace were in my English classes. They were challenging and engaging.
But getting a job with my degree is hard. Very hard. Or maybe it's the economy. Or maybe it's my inability to pin point what I really want to do. But I'm floundering. I am at a loss as to what I should do next. Yes I am still on track to pursue this UK Scheme but in the back of my mind I worry that if I can't even get a job in the US how will I ever get this production scheme overseas.
And because of all these obsessive thoughts I feel burnt out. Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. I have no motivation to do anything outside of sleep. Kat, once again, keeps asking me what is wrong but i find it hard to explain that I just can't do this anymore. That there is no future for me at the bookstore and because of this I lack the motivation to be there.
I just feel like all kinds of a mess right now. Directionless and alone. It's weird because I've been on a nostalgic trip lately and have watched several clips of the television show Felicity which aired on WB teen years ago (can you believe it). I've talked about the show before; college girl who moves to New York to follow a boy she loves and of course find herself in the process. The Felicity soundtrack (the first season) was the first album that I bought and listened to religiously for like a month.
As i watch some of the episodes on Youtube again and listen to songs from the album I can't help but remember how depressed I was when this show first came out. It was a dark low period of teen angst and severe anxiety. And as i sit here today listening to Here Comes the Flood by Peter Gabriel (one of my favorite tracks on the album) I wonder if I have returned to that place again. I hope not.
I need to find the motivation again to march on. I need to light the match that will spark life back into me. Because I am black and blue with numbness.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
To Add Insult To Injury.
Heather got the teaching job in Newburgh.
My heart has broken into a million little pieces.
I am either so incompetent or inexperienced for a job that no one in the whole state of New York will hire me or Newburgh is desperate.
Heather quit today and marched out of work with a 'my life is perfect' stroll. I hate her. I hate my life. And I don't know what to do.
Either way. I'm officially depressed.
Someone get me a straight jacket.
My heart has broken into a million little pieces.
I am either so incompetent or inexperienced for a job that no one in the whole state of New York will hire me or Newburgh is desperate.
Heather quit today and marched out of work with a 'my life is perfect' stroll. I hate her. I hate my life. And I don't know what to do.
Either way. I'm officially depressed.
Someone get me a straight jacket.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
.40 cent Rejection.
Another job to add to the lists of ones I don't have.
Damn.
I tripped over the cat this morning on the way to the bathroom, only then to trip on a stack of mail in front of my door. After apologizing to the cat and then cursing the mail, I looked down to see what treats snail mail had in store for me.
But I immediately saw that one of those letters was from PNJ, and the moment I picked up the thin envelope I knew it was 'a thank you for coming in to meet with us but...' sort of thing. I slinked back into my room, sat in the middle of my bed and opened the envelope to read those all too familiar words.
I think college rejections prepare you for these sort of things. I was rejected from two out of the five schools I applied to while I was in High School. Grant it they were NYU and this really pompous liberal arts school that escapes my memory now but it still burned.
Anyway, because I lived at home my mom would get the mail first. When those two letters came she handed them over to me and reminded me that they weren't my first choice (UPitt was) and that this wasn't the end of the world.
Regardless I didn't want to read the rejection in front of her. Because no matter how hard you value your self worth, a rejection is a stomp to the stomach. It makes you think that the last 18 or 24 years of affirmation have been lies. Like when your mom says that you were the prettiest baby she ever saw only because...well your her baby. She has to say shit like that.
I remember reading the NYU rejection letter and feeling like my world had imploded. Yeah, I only applied because that year Mary Kate and Ashley Oslen were accepted to NYU and I thought 'how cool would it be if I had a class with them' (thinking back on it the answer is 'not cool at all. did they even really attend classes'). But once I got over the initial shock my first thought was 'upward and onward. can't stop here' and because my favorite movie at the time was Girl Interrupted the sentiment was more 'can't drop anchor here. much too close to do that'.
And despite being beyond numb from this one month ordeal (missed phone call, two week wait, interview, thank you notes via snail mailed that were returned by the mailman, more waiting, rejection) it's the only thing at this point that i can comprehend.
I can't drop anchor here. Can't.
But I am still a little down. I guess upward and onwards are my only course of direction.
Damn.
I tripped over the cat this morning on the way to the bathroom, only then to trip on a stack of mail in front of my door. After apologizing to the cat and then cursing the mail, I looked down to see what treats snail mail had in store for me.
But I immediately saw that one of those letters was from PNJ, and the moment I picked up the thin envelope I knew it was 'a thank you for coming in to meet with us but...' sort of thing. I slinked back into my room, sat in the middle of my bed and opened the envelope to read those all too familiar words.
I think college rejections prepare you for these sort of things. I was rejected from two out of the five schools I applied to while I was in High School. Grant it they were NYU and this really pompous liberal arts school that escapes my memory now but it still burned.
Anyway, because I lived at home my mom would get the mail first. When those two letters came she handed them over to me and reminded me that they weren't my first choice (UPitt was) and that this wasn't the end of the world.
Regardless I didn't want to read the rejection in front of her. Because no matter how hard you value your self worth, a rejection is a stomp to the stomach. It makes you think that the last 18 or 24 years of affirmation have been lies. Like when your mom says that you were the prettiest baby she ever saw only because...well your her baby. She has to say shit like that.
I remember reading the NYU rejection letter and feeling like my world had imploded. Yeah, I only applied because that year Mary Kate and Ashley Oslen were accepted to NYU and I thought 'how cool would it be if I had a class with them' (thinking back on it the answer is 'not cool at all. did they even really attend classes'). But once I got over the initial shock my first thought was 'upward and onward. can't stop here' and because my favorite movie at the time was Girl Interrupted the sentiment was more 'can't drop anchor here. much too close to do that'.
And despite being beyond numb from this one month ordeal (missed phone call, two week wait, interview, thank you notes via snail mailed that were returned by the mailman, more waiting, rejection) it's the only thing at this point that i can comprehend.
I can't drop anchor here. Can't.
But I am still a little down. I guess upward and onwards are my only course of direction.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Good Night
Kat's birthday is tomorrow and because I don't hang out with many people at work I suggested we grab pizza after work today to do what people our age do. I didn't think she would be so excited about hanging out with me. But for the last few days she has been checking in with me to make sure I wasn't going to bail on her.
And I didn't. We grabbed pizza across the street from the bookstore and talked up a storm. I apologized for being distant sometimes and she apologized for being noisy. I'm a painfully slow eater so we spent a good hour in the pizzeria discussing our life desires and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
After pizza we hung out in front of the store in this patio isque area near a fountain. The weather here is stunning. The last couple of days the skies have been a nice grey and today was the first sign of sunlight. It gets dark until 8 o'clock and the weather cools down a bit then. So it was breezy and warm all at the same time.
I don't have many girl friends. Marie is a very Type A girl and sometimes we have conversations like two asexual people. But Kat is a girl. A girls girl and there was something nice about being a girl around her. I wished her an Early Happy Birthday during our time outside and she said she considered this hanging out experience an awesome present. Which was cool with me seeing I am a very broke girl that these days.
We waited around a bit until her boyfriend came to pick her up and by then we were joined by Matt, who'd just gotten off from work. He entertained us with stories of drinking and Medieval Fairs while Kat warmed me of the dangers of Moleskin journals. It was a fun night with people i generally like.
It's weird stepping outside of myself in order to be around people. I don't do it ever. I worry so much about life, money and my own pursuits of happiness I abandon living in the moment. The moment has no interest to me. But tonight was nice.Grabbing pizza and talking about boys was nice, going to the liquor store with Matt afterwards to buy some weird brown booze was nice.
I don't know why i don't ever fell safe with these very normal and comfortable activities. I hate being in 'like' with people (kat, matt) because I know i have a tendency of attaching myself emotionally and then quickly abandoning when it gets to close.
But as I attempt to live this extraordinary life I have to remember to enjoy these moments too. When all is right just because it is. When grabbing pizza and hanging out with friends is alright because it keeps you sane. It keeps you, even if for a moment, from wigging out about the things that aren't particularly going in your favor.
And maybe, for once, I can actually say that I have friends. I have these people who actually give a crap about me. It makes me feel weird and not so alone.
And I didn't. We grabbed pizza across the street from the bookstore and talked up a storm. I apologized for being distant sometimes and she apologized for being noisy. I'm a painfully slow eater so we spent a good hour in the pizzeria discussing our life desires and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
After pizza we hung out in front of the store in this patio isque area near a fountain. The weather here is stunning. The last couple of days the skies have been a nice grey and today was the first sign of sunlight. It gets dark until 8 o'clock and the weather cools down a bit then. So it was breezy and warm all at the same time.
I don't have many girl friends. Marie is a very Type A girl and sometimes we have conversations like two asexual people. But Kat is a girl. A girls girl and there was something nice about being a girl around her. I wished her an Early Happy Birthday during our time outside and she said she considered this hanging out experience an awesome present. Which was cool with me seeing I am a very broke girl that these days.
We waited around a bit until her boyfriend came to pick her up and by then we were joined by Matt, who'd just gotten off from work. He entertained us with stories of drinking and Medieval Fairs while Kat warmed me of the dangers of Moleskin journals. It was a fun night with people i generally like.
It's weird stepping outside of myself in order to be around people. I don't do it ever. I worry so much about life, money and my own pursuits of happiness I abandon living in the moment. The moment has no interest to me. But tonight was nice.Grabbing pizza and talking about boys was nice, going to the liquor store with Matt afterwards to buy some weird brown booze was nice.
I don't know why i don't ever fell safe with these very normal and comfortable activities. I hate being in 'like' with people (kat, matt) because I know i have a tendency of attaching myself emotionally and then quickly abandoning when it gets to close.
But as I attempt to live this extraordinary life I have to remember to enjoy these moments too. When all is right just because it is. When grabbing pizza and hanging out with friends is alright because it keeps you sane. It keeps you, even if for a moment, from wigging out about the things that aren't particularly going in your favor.
And maybe, for once, I can actually say that I have friends. I have these people who actually give a crap about me. It makes me feel weird and not so alone.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Little Faith.
I've been listening to the National a lot lately. Hence the title. Outside of them being a brilliant band, they provide a soothing (and often sad) soundtrack to my life these days.
What I do like about working at the bookstore are the cool Cd's we play during the day. For the most part the music department gets away with playing some amazing tunes. Some are promotions ( James Taylor) while others are Cd's the music manager accidentally opened and had to play (Scott Pilgrim Soundtrack). I still don't know if The National is one of those Cd's or if the bookstore is on top of amazing bands. Who knows. But while I drag myself around the store shelving books, helping customers and scowling at life it's nice to have The National in the background.
It's been more than a week now since my amazing interview and I haven't received any bad or good news to write about. I am still simply in limbo waiting 'patiently' for... something. I know that i royally damaged a good impression due to the phone debacle. But I killed that interview. I may not have said all the right things, but I was personable, professional and down right awesome. And that is not an exaggeration. But as the days come and go and my phone continues not to ring I cannot help but doubt all of these things.
Maybe the HR Assistant couldn't get past the phone thing? Maybe they are 'going in a different direction' (a direct phrase used in a rejection email once) and found someone more tailored to their company? Maybe I wasn't as sparkling as I thought I was?
Whatever it may be, the waiting game is tiresome, especially as things around me begin to change so drastically. At work everyone is leaving. Well almost everyone. Yesterday I just found out that my favorite manager took another job at another store because the hours and pay are better. He is every one's favorite manager because he lets us slack off. I can't believe there was ever a time when he wasn't there and to imagine the store without him is nearly impossible. With Him gone the rules are going to be stricter, we are all going to be less happy and our days of talking endlessly at customer service will come to an end.
The store as a whole has become a different place since May. Books are becoming less important with the introduction of digital resources. And for some reason we are now selling all of these School related items so I kind of feel like a Staples when people ask me where the 'scissors and poster boards' are. With people now getting new jobs or simply moving on, still being there feels...strange. I feel like a permanent fixture.
And now that Favorite Manager is leaving I want to move on from this place desperately. We started working at the bookstore around the same time, and I felt like part of a team with him. And now he's leaving.
As I wait to hear something back from Possible New Job, I know I have to keep moving. I have to keep going just in case this doesn't work out. Sure I hope that it does. I have faith (even if it's just a little) that it will. But until then I have to keep existing. I have to keep trudging along. I still show up with a smile on my face and a pleasant demeanor even though I'm freaking out inside.
It does not help that Heather is becoming a nuisance at work (girl who just graduated with a BS, wants to be a teacher). On Friday I came into work and she was having a temper tantrum in the break room. She was sitting in one of the chairs with a huge frown on her face and typing on her phone. Apparently she got a call from a school upstate about coming in for an interview for a substitute gig. Because she was on the clock she missed the call (sounds familiar huh) and was trying to get in contact with them with no luck.
I suggested she leave a message, write an email and just keep trying until she got in touch with someone. She threw her head down on the table and in front of everyone exclaimed that working at the bookstore was on some levels beneath her and that she really needed this teaching job. When she stormed out minutes later I had to remind myself not to say nasty things about her in my mind.
The next day I come in and Heather is very happy. I mean smug happy. She was able to get in touch with someone at the last minute and scheduled an interview for this Monday.
'isn't this amazing news Beckett! ' she said to a very disinterested me, but i grinned anyway and said something on the lines of 'totally'. She then went on and on (and on) about how this was her ticket out of the bookstore and that she had this job in the bag. Maybe she should wear a blue shirt with her interview suit. No pink because it will add character. Should she move closer to her job or save money by staying with her parents for a while? Oh come on Beckett this is real people salary I won't have to worry about being able or unable to afford things.
I wanted to strangle her. After she described how awesome it would to finally get a job after being out of school for 3 months, she said that because her interview was at 8:30 Monday morning she saw no point in coming into work at noon that day. Because 'whats the use of coming into a job I will no longer have. hee hee.'
I couldn't even fain interest after this. I'd recently made the mistake of telling her about my attempts at getting a new job and because of this, she patted me on the shoulder after talking about her interview on Monday and said 'don't worry. just hang in there and in no time you'll be out of here like me'.
Of course when I arrived to work today, Heather, who was scheduled to work, had called out 'sick' and wasn't there to cover her shift. Because of her call out someone else was asked to come in on there day off, causing for a very long day at work without a Head Cashier. I couldn't help but voice my frustration to favorite manager about Heathers lack of professionalism and general suckassness. For the most part ALL of use want to leave the bookstore. But we come into work when we are scheduled (me), we don't take days off before a big interview (me) and we sure as hell don't plan on calling out sick because we can (me). We grin and we bare it because we have to. Because we have a responsibility to our current job. No matter how dissatisfied we are with it(HEATHER).
But of course behind my general frustration towards this ungrateful girl is...jealousy. What happens if she actually gets a job before I do? What happens if her phony personality and, once again, general suckassness lands a real job? She once sent me a text message ending in 'okie dokie'. She dresses in dark clothing and wears spiked bracelets because it makes her look more 'rock and roll' and she complained about her parents raising her rent from $25 to $30 just days ago. I mean come on. How is this...fair.
And I hate being jealous. Hate with all of my might because it makes me feel like a horrible person. Because in all honesty I would hate for her to get this job (which I don't think she is going to get) and for me to want to be jealous of her situation. I would hate to think that someone saw any sort of potential in her while I continue to try to find someone to believe in me.
I'm unbelievably tired because of how long my shift felt today (thanks Heather) and now I am home and can think of nothing else but hearing something back from PNJ. Please let me hear something back from them.
In other news
I am going to see Inception again on Tuesday with Matt (guy from the Nerd Day Rooftop Extravaganza). He hasn't seen it and had plans to see it with Kat but she blew him off to hang out with Evan and so I some how found myself being asked to go instead. Awkward much. But because I need to take my mind off things and Inception was a really good movie I don't mind seeing it twice. I do feel kind of weird going alone with him though. But I figured we managed to have a really good time on the way to Jen's house that spending a few hours in the world of Chris Nolans imagination won't be so bad.
What I do like about working at the bookstore are the cool Cd's we play during the day. For the most part the music department gets away with playing some amazing tunes. Some are promotions ( James Taylor) while others are Cd's the music manager accidentally opened and had to play (Scott Pilgrim Soundtrack). I still don't know if The National is one of those Cd's or if the bookstore is on top of amazing bands. Who knows. But while I drag myself around the store shelving books, helping customers and scowling at life it's nice to have The National in the background.
It's been more than a week now since my amazing interview and I haven't received any bad or good news to write about. I am still simply in limbo waiting 'patiently' for... something. I know that i royally damaged a good impression due to the phone debacle. But I killed that interview. I may not have said all the right things, but I was personable, professional and down right awesome. And that is not an exaggeration. But as the days come and go and my phone continues not to ring I cannot help but doubt all of these things.
Maybe the HR Assistant couldn't get past the phone thing? Maybe they are 'going in a different direction' (a direct phrase used in a rejection email once) and found someone more tailored to their company? Maybe I wasn't as sparkling as I thought I was?
Whatever it may be, the waiting game is tiresome, especially as things around me begin to change so drastically. At work everyone is leaving. Well almost everyone. Yesterday I just found out that my favorite manager took another job at another store because the hours and pay are better. He is every one's favorite manager because he lets us slack off. I can't believe there was ever a time when he wasn't there and to imagine the store without him is nearly impossible. With Him gone the rules are going to be stricter, we are all going to be less happy and our days of talking endlessly at customer service will come to an end.
The store as a whole has become a different place since May. Books are becoming less important with the introduction of digital resources. And for some reason we are now selling all of these School related items so I kind of feel like a Staples when people ask me where the 'scissors and poster boards' are. With people now getting new jobs or simply moving on, still being there feels...strange. I feel like a permanent fixture.
And now that Favorite Manager is leaving I want to move on from this place desperately. We started working at the bookstore around the same time, and I felt like part of a team with him. And now he's leaving.
As I wait to hear something back from Possible New Job, I know I have to keep moving. I have to keep going just in case this doesn't work out. Sure I hope that it does. I have faith (even if it's just a little) that it will. But until then I have to keep existing. I have to keep trudging along. I still show up with a smile on my face and a pleasant demeanor even though I'm freaking out inside.
It does not help that Heather is becoming a nuisance at work (girl who just graduated with a BS, wants to be a teacher). On Friday I came into work and she was having a temper tantrum in the break room. She was sitting in one of the chairs with a huge frown on her face and typing on her phone. Apparently she got a call from a school upstate about coming in for an interview for a substitute gig. Because she was on the clock she missed the call (sounds familiar huh) and was trying to get in contact with them with no luck.
I suggested she leave a message, write an email and just keep trying until she got in touch with someone. She threw her head down on the table and in front of everyone exclaimed that working at the bookstore was on some levels beneath her and that she really needed this teaching job. When she stormed out minutes later I had to remind myself not to say nasty things about her in my mind.
The next day I come in and Heather is very happy. I mean smug happy. She was able to get in touch with someone at the last minute and scheduled an interview for this Monday.
'isn't this amazing news Beckett! ' she said to a very disinterested me, but i grinned anyway and said something on the lines of 'totally'. She then went on and on (and on) about how this was her ticket out of the bookstore and that she had this job in the bag. Maybe she should wear a blue shirt with her interview suit. No pink because it will add character. Should she move closer to her job or save money by staying with her parents for a while? Oh come on Beckett this is real people salary I won't have to worry about being able or unable to afford things.
I wanted to strangle her. After she described how awesome it would to finally get a job after being out of school for 3 months, she said that because her interview was at 8:30 Monday morning she saw no point in coming into work at noon that day. Because 'whats the use of coming into a job I will no longer have. hee hee.'
I couldn't even fain interest after this. I'd recently made the mistake of telling her about my attempts at getting a new job and because of this, she patted me on the shoulder after talking about her interview on Monday and said 'don't worry. just hang in there and in no time you'll be out of here like me'.
Of course when I arrived to work today, Heather, who was scheduled to work, had called out 'sick' and wasn't there to cover her shift. Because of her call out someone else was asked to come in on there day off, causing for a very long day at work without a Head Cashier. I couldn't help but voice my frustration to favorite manager about Heathers lack of professionalism and general suckassness. For the most part ALL of use want to leave the bookstore. But we come into work when we are scheduled (me), we don't take days off before a big interview (me) and we sure as hell don't plan on calling out sick because we can (me). We grin and we bare it because we have to. Because we have a responsibility to our current job. No matter how dissatisfied we are with it(HEATHER).
But of course behind my general frustration towards this ungrateful girl is...jealousy. What happens if she actually gets a job before I do? What happens if her phony personality and, once again, general suckassness lands a real job? She once sent me a text message ending in 'okie dokie'. She dresses in dark clothing and wears spiked bracelets because it makes her look more 'rock and roll' and she complained about her parents raising her rent from $25 to $30 just days ago. I mean come on. How is this...fair.
And I hate being jealous. Hate with all of my might because it makes me feel like a horrible person. Because in all honesty I would hate for her to get this job (which I don't think she is going to get) and for me to want to be jealous of her situation. I would hate to think that someone saw any sort of potential in her while I continue to try to find someone to believe in me.
I'm unbelievably tired because of how long my shift felt today (thanks Heather) and now I am home and can think of nothing else but hearing something back from PNJ. Please let me hear something back from them.
In other news
I am going to see Inception again on Tuesday with Matt (guy from the Nerd Day Rooftop Extravaganza). He hasn't seen it and had plans to see it with Kat but she blew him off to hang out with Evan and so I some how found myself being asked to go instead. Awkward much. But because I need to take my mind off things and Inception was a really good movie I don't mind seeing it twice. I do feel kind of weird going alone with him though. But I figured we managed to have a really good time on the way to Jen's house that spending a few hours in the world of Chris Nolans imagination won't be so bad.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Awaiting Further Instructions.
I just found out that I have to come in today for a 3 to close shift at the bookstore, when i was scheduled to come in at 6. Did I mention how much I am beginning to hate the bookstore.
Every fall ( i can say that now because I have been there for 2) they have a huge hiring rush. Last fall I think we got 6-8 new employees in the span of two weeks. It was weird. Come spring though they have a huge firing rush where 8-10 people were either fired or left for their own reasons. So when Fall rick rolls around we are worse off than when we started and short staffed like hell.
I get annoyed by my employees more often than I should these days because they have a tendency of calling out for reasons such as ' i want to sleep in late, i made plans the night before and I know I'm going to be trashed in the morning, i don't want to miss wrestling on Monday'. I'm not kidding. Because of this, those of us who are deemed reliable are constantly having to pick up the slack.
This weekend Heather called out because she wasn't feeling well. Coincidentally this was the day after a customer called her a 'shithead' and Heather vowed never to come back to work. Because of her call out the rest of us had to pick up the slack, which is pretty hard to do when our new Head Cashier isn't there.
I knew I shouldn't have answered the phone when it rang this morning (especially because I recognized the number) but i am patiently waiting to hear back from PNJ (possible new job) about the second round of the hiring process. She said she would get back to me towards the end of this week to see if I was chosen to meet with the hiring manager. I am sort of nervous about this.
Though I felt, and in my mind know, that the interview went really well, I can't help replaying the faults. I am not the most experienced candidate, i did royally screw up by pissing off the HR assistant even though I won her over at the interview and who knows. maybe in the span of three days they have interviewed soooo many good candidates I am but a lost resume in the stack.
When I'm not worrying about that, I am going over all my techy jargon in advance. This company specializes in providing production and film companies with cameras, film equipment and full service training classes. Seeing that I don't know too much about any of those things I bought a couple of magazines and have been looking at them all weekend. It's a little different reading about brand new filming techniques when I am use to reading satirical pieces in GQ followed by pages of hot men in suits.
But I know that when I go on this second interview, the Hiring Manger is going to make sure I have the technical knowledge to be employed there. I have the personality thing down, but if I can make distinctions between HD and digital cameras than I am screwed. Screwed.
So needless to say I have been a little jumpy when the phone rings. A little bit. Hence why I am now covering one of my slack ass employees shift. I could scream.
Despite the aggravation of the bookstore and the nervousness regarding PNJ, I have good feelings about this though. About everything lately. Like I was this person broken into a pieces that were beyond repair but who suddenly is coming back together. I don't think I will ever be whole but I am okay with being stitched back or held together by glue. I am okay with being a person with cracks that will expand and contract but never fully shatter. I am okay with being a person with visible scars.
And maybe because of this acceptance, I have a growing sense that things are going to be okay.
Because I know that I am going to be okay.
Now time to get ready for the longest shift ever at the damn bookstore. I don't even think I can squeeze in a nap before then. Fudging eh.
Every fall ( i can say that now because I have been there for 2) they have a huge hiring rush. Last fall I think we got 6-8 new employees in the span of two weeks. It was weird. Come spring though they have a huge firing rush where 8-10 people were either fired or left for their own reasons. So when Fall rick rolls around we are worse off than when we started and short staffed like hell.
I get annoyed by my employees more often than I should these days because they have a tendency of calling out for reasons such as ' i want to sleep in late, i made plans the night before and I know I'm going to be trashed in the morning, i don't want to miss wrestling on Monday'. I'm not kidding. Because of this, those of us who are deemed reliable are constantly having to pick up the slack.
This weekend Heather called out because she wasn't feeling well. Coincidentally this was the day after a customer called her a 'shithead' and Heather vowed never to come back to work. Because of her call out the rest of us had to pick up the slack, which is pretty hard to do when our new Head Cashier isn't there.
I knew I shouldn't have answered the phone when it rang this morning (especially because I recognized the number) but i am patiently waiting to hear back from PNJ (possible new job) about the second round of the hiring process. She said she would get back to me towards the end of this week to see if I was chosen to meet with the hiring manager. I am sort of nervous about this.
Though I felt, and in my mind know, that the interview went really well, I can't help replaying the faults. I am not the most experienced candidate, i did royally screw up by pissing off the HR assistant even though I won her over at the interview and who knows. maybe in the span of three days they have interviewed soooo many good candidates I am but a lost resume in the stack.
When I'm not worrying about that, I am going over all my techy jargon in advance. This company specializes in providing production and film companies with cameras, film equipment and full service training classes. Seeing that I don't know too much about any of those things I bought a couple of magazines and have been looking at them all weekend. It's a little different reading about brand new filming techniques when I am use to reading satirical pieces in GQ followed by pages of hot men in suits.
But I know that when I go on this second interview, the Hiring Manger is going to make sure I have the technical knowledge to be employed there. I have the personality thing down, but if I can make distinctions between HD and digital cameras than I am screwed. Screwed.
So needless to say I have been a little jumpy when the phone rings. A little bit. Hence why I am now covering one of my slack ass employees shift. I could scream.
Despite the aggravation of the bookstore and the nervousness regarding PNJ, I have good feelings about this though. About everything lately. Like I was this person broken into a pieces that were beyond repair but who suddenly is coming back together. I don't think I will ever be whole but I am okay with being stitched back or held together by glue. I am okay with being a person with cracks that will expand and contract but never fully shatter. I am okay with being a person with visible scars.
And maybe because of this acceptance, I have a growing sense that things are going to be okay.
Because I know that I am going to be okay.
Now time to get ready for the longest shift ever at the damn bookstore. I don't even think I can squeeze in a nap before then. Fudging eh.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The Last 48 Hours.
The last two days have been insane.
I think I've gotten a total of 7 hours of sleep between yesterday and today and lets just say I am running on empty. I'm past empty. I'm 20 minutes after you realized you were riding on E but you convinced yourself you could make it another 30 minutes and now you and your car stuck are on the side of the road. Yeah. That's me.
Let me explain. Briefly.
Thursday I'd given up all hope of contacting the HR Manager at Possible New Job (PNJ). Since last Tuesday my attempts to contact her have been...unsuccessful. I called every two days, listened to the phone ring and then heard the stupid out of office message she left. I didn't leave any subsequent voicemails for her to call me back after the first one. I figured leaving one was enough and leaving more than that would appear desperate. Which I am but she does not need to know that.
I was ready to give up all hope Thursday. I woke up, only to return to bed where I curled up in a ball for a very long time. Before I could let depression totally shadow me, I decided that I would resubmit my application (because they posted the opening again online) along with an email apologizing for not getting in touch with her sooner. What's the worst that could happen? Before I did that though, I figured I would try to reach her again by phone. After a few rings I was expecting the sound of her away message but was surprised when she answered the phone. Actually answered!
'um, good afternoon, my name is Beckett Hughes and i um, was contacted a few weeks ago in response to an application I submitted to _________. I was unable to contact you until a week later in regards to setting up a day to come in and met with you , I, um, am inquiry about the state of the position and/or opportunity to come in for an interview'.
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by what I can only described as an 'exasperated sigh'. It was the equivalent of 'oh, it's you'. She informed me, in a tone that was less than pleased, that I took 'forever' to respond to her voicemail a week back and at the moment she had no intention of calling me in for an interview:
'you must understand the position I am in. It took you 5 days to respond to my voicemail. that doesn't give me the best impression of you as a candidate'.
FML.
My heart dropped. Let me take that back. It exploded. All the fears I had of being rejected by this job because my phone is a piece of shit, came true in that moment and I saw no hope. I apologized for responding in a way that could make me look unprofessional but that I never received notification on my phone that a call had been received until...it was too late. I tried to explain without sounding as if I were a) pulling excuses out of my ass and b) groveling.
She paused again. Shuffled some papers around and then said I could come in on Friday (the 13th) at 10am for an interview with _______. Take it or leave it. I immediately said 'that's perfect, I'll see you then...thank you for understanding---'. Click. She may have hung up on me. just saying.
I spent Thursday brushing up on interview questions and calming my nerves. I knew she scheduled the interview the next day to rattle me. She was only squeezing me in to weed me out. 'If she wants to waste her time, come all the way down to the city. then so be it' was the impression I got.
I knew I had to be on my A+ game. I already had strikes against me based on the phone incident, so there was no room for error. So despite being unprepared, nervous and a little scared (she was not happy with me) I made my way to PNJ wearing very uncomfortable shoes and praying silently under my breath that I wouldn't blow it.
And I must say....it went really well. I know that's a little anticlimactic. No build up, no great suspense. But I'm tired and the writer in me is a little sleepy. From the get go I knew HR Manager wanted to hate me. She was very curt in the beginning and gave me the stank when she greeted me. I was interviewed by her and another woman from the sales department for about 45 minutes. It was a very long interview but the moment I opened my mouth I redeemed myself. I was passionate and sincere and by the end of it they were both smiling and professing how great it was to talk with me.
No lie.
There are two more stages in the hiring process. I believe I was the first candidate they interview for this position. They had about 7 or 8 more people to interview (all of who have an interview next week) but that by the end of next week a few candidates will be asked back to have a second meeting with a Hiring Manager. I told her I would keep my ears and eye open for any and all voice mails left on my phone this week.
I left feeling completely...relieved. It was the best interview I have ever had. I was confidant and smart and witty and uber professional. I asked question, I softened their thoughts about me and damn it all to tell I would be shocked not to be asked in for a second interview. Shocked!
This is a huge turnover from the despair I felt only three days ago. It is weird to think that if all goes well I will finally have a job. A regular 9 to 5 gig in West Village of all places. This company is amazing and I can't get over the fact that I could be employed here. Like for serious.
The next few days are going to be stressful. I am already preparing for the second interview to be on the safe side. This is a production related gig and I will have to brush up on my tech knowledge. This could be situation changing and I could finally afford that futon I've wanted.
In the last 48 hours I've only gotten about 7 hours of sleep. No lie. I went directly (give or take an hour or so) from the interview to the bookstore for a closing shift. Because we close at 11 on the weekends I didn't get out of there until midnight, only to have to open this morning. Yeah, I closed the store and then opened the next day. I got like four hours of sleep and lagged around all day.
So I'm sleepy. Very sleepy. And will spend Sunday napping away. I deserve it.
Fingers crossed for me. Exciting news looms. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.
Becks
P.S. Blogger has set up a new Spam blocker thing. So i am not the only 'bloggger' receiving weird spam like comments on my blog. I get them like four times a week and can not figure out if I am popular with foreign readers or if I am under a spam attack. But once again, if you don't see your comment there's a reason. The translations are bizarre, i refuse to post them.
I think I've gotten a total of 7 hours of sleep between yesterday and today and lets just say I am running on empty. I'm past empty. I'm 20 minutes after you realized you were riding on E but you convinced yourself you could make it another 30 minutes and now you and your car stuck are on the side of the road. Yeah. That's me.
Let me explain. Briefly.
Thursday I'd given up all hope of contacting the HR Manager at Possible New Job (PNJ). Since last Tuesday my attempts to contact her have been...unsuccessful. I called every two days, listened to the phone ring and then heard the stupid out of office message she left. I didn't leave any subsequent voicemails for her to call me back after the first one. I figured leaving one was enough and leaving more than that would appear desperate. Which I am but she does not need to know that.
I was ready to give up all hope Thursday. I woke up, only to return to bed where I curled up in a ball for a very long time. Before I could let depression totally shadow me, I decided that I would resubmit my application (because they posted the opening again online) along with an email apologizing for not getting in touch with her sooner. What's the worst that could happen? Before I did that though, I figured I would try to reach her again by phone. After a few rings I was expecting the sound of her away message but was surprised when she answered the phone. Actually answered!
'um, good afternoon, my name is Beckett Hughes and i um, was contacted a few weeks ago in response to an application I submitted to _________. I was unable to contact you until a week later in regards to setting up a day to come in and met with you , I, um, am inquiry about the state of the position and/or opportunity to come in for an interview'.
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by what I can only described as an 'exasperated sigh'. It was the equivalent of 'oh, it's you'. She informed me, in a tone that was less than pleased, that I took 'forever' to respond to her voicemail a week back and at the moment she had no intention of calling me in for an interview:
'you must understand the position I am in. It took you 5 days to respond to my voicemail. that doesn't give me the best impression of you as a candidate'.
FML.
My heart dropped. Let me take that back. It exploded. All the fears I had of being rejected by this job because my phone is a piece of shit, came true in that moment and I saw no hope. I apologized for responding in a way that could make me look unprofessional but that I never received notification on my phone that a call had been received until...it was too late. I tried to explain without sounding as if I were a) pulling excuses out of my ass and b) groveling.
She paused again. Shuffled some papers around and then said I could come in on Friday (the 13th) at 10am for an interview with _______. Take it or leave it. I immediately said 'that's perfect, I'll see you then...thank you for understanding---'. Click. She may have hung up on me. just saying.
I spent Thursday brushing up on interview questions and calming my nerves. I knew she scheduled the interview the next day to rattle me. She was only squeezing me in to weed me out. 'If she wants to waste her time, come all the way down to the city. then so be it' was the impression I got.
I knew I had to be on my A+ game. I already had strikes against me based on the phone incident, so there was no room for error. So despite being unprepared, nervous and a little scared (she was not happy with me) I made my way to PNJ wearing very uncomfortable shoes and praying silently under my breath that I wouldn't blow it.
And I must say....it went really well. I know that's a little anticlimactic. No build up, no great suspense. But I'm tired and the writer in me is a little sleepy. From the get go I knew HR Manager wanted to hate me. She was very curt in the beginning and gave me the stank when she greeted me. I was interviewed by her and another woman from the sales department for about 45 minutes. It was a very long interview but the moment I opened my mouth I redeemed myself. I was passionate and sincere and by the end of it they were both smiling and professing how great it was to talk with me.
No lie.
There are two more stages in the hiring process. I believe I was the first candidate they interview for this position. They had about 7 or 8 more people to interview (all of who have an interview next week) but that by the end of next week a few candidates will be asked back to have a second meeting with a Hiring Manager. I told her I would keep my ears and eye open for any and all voice mails left on my phone this week.
I left feeling completely...relieved. It was the best interview I have ever had. I was confidant and smart and witty and uber professional. I asked question, I softened their thoughts about me and damn it all to tell I would be shocked not to be asked in for a second interview. Shocked!
This is a huge turnover from the despair I felt only three days ago. It is weird to think that if all goes well I will finally have a job. A regular 9 to 5 gig in West Village of all places. This company is amazing and I can't get over the fact that I could be employed here. Like for serious.
The next few days are going to be stressful. I am already preparing for the second interview to be on the safe side. This is a production related gig and I will have to brush up on my tech knowledge. This could be situation changing and I could finally afford that futon I've wanted.
In the last 48 hours I've only gotten about 7 hours of sleep. No lie. I went directly (give or take an hour or so) from the interview to the bookstore for a closing shift. Because we close at 11 on the weekends I didn't get out of there until midnight, only to have to open this morning. Yeah, I closed the store and then opened the next day. I got like four hours of sleep and lagged around all day.
So I'm sleepy. Very sleepy. And will spend Sunday napping away. I deserve it.
Fingers crossed for me. Exciting news looms. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.
Becks
P.S. Blogger has set up a new Spam blocker thing. So i am not the only 'bloggger' receiving weird spam like comments on my blog. I get them like four times a week and can not figure out if I am popular with foreign readers or if I am under a spam attack. But once again, if you don't see your comment there's a reason. The translations are bizarre, i refuse to post them.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Things Are Looming Overhead.
Two years ago to the day (give or take a days maybe) i graduated from college and was on a plane to New York for my post grad adventure. I cannot believe it's been two years. I must say, I do not know where the time has gone.
It's absolutely funny (now) talking to recent grads these days. They have this sense of entitlement , that I must have possessed too, in regards to the job market I cannot help but find hilarious. Like me, they believed graduating college would automatically lead to a job. That after four or five years of undergraduate study they would come out alive, with a diploma and a sweet job offer after crossing the stage. But of course they find out that that is not the case, and life has a way of sucking hardcore for a while.
Case in Point:
I work with an incredibly annoying girl named Heather, who just got her B.S from a university upstate. She was a seasonal worker a couple of months ago because she finally graduated with her undergraduate requirements. Once she graduated and moved back home she started working more hours at the bookstore, to the chagrin of the rest of us.
Heather is nice. But she is a surface level person. You never get the sense that she has a sincere bone in her body. She's made of air. Very light, always there but totally completely void of tangible substance. So she is nice but to the point of annoyance.
She wants to be a High School teacher but of course she can't find any jobs in the area. Because of this she took a full time position at the store a few weeks back while she lives at home with her parents and younger sister. In a heartbeat, she's gone from 'this job is great' to 'i can't do this anymore Beckett. I just can't. I graduated from college for god sakes'
I wish I could feel sympathetic for her, but I cant. I've been out of school for two years and with two internships under my belt finding a job is still very difficult. I hate it at the bookstore every single day. I hate the customers, I hate the b.s of working in retail, but more importantly I hate the grind. The incredible amount I put into working there for chump change. I feel like I spend more time cleaning up after people (thank you to all the assholes who leave books and magazines around) than actively engaging people about literature. And with the edition of a new E-Reader, the store is becoming more heavy in the digital aspects of consumerism.
Now that I don't want to go into Publishing working with books has lost it's luster. I still love being around books ( i could get lost in the fiction aisle for days), but I'd rather be around my own or at least in the confines of a huge collegial library; lost in the stacks of volumes and studies.
Everyone is talking about the Jet Blue flight attendant who went ape shit on a plane after getting smacked in the head by bag because of some queen bitch of an unruly passenger. Lets just say he didn't take that too well. He cursed out the passengers, quit his job and then curtailed it off that plane as fast as one can do. Despite the attention his whole rant is getting, I don't really find his actions heroic (as some people have claimed) or even the event that interesting, and for that reason I haven't made any comment about it when people bring it up at work.
To me, public proclamations about how much you hate something (work, high school, people) is a little bit too dramatic. I liked to keep my disdain for things in little internal mind pockets that I write down when it gets too much (I am however a fan of public proclamations of love. I'm talking to you John Cusack) but I can see what all the attention is about. People are assholes. Not all people, but a very large sum are shitheads. Working in retail you can't help but get a sense of this. That people like taking their frustrations and general nastiness out on strangers. It's the equivalent of being told to punch a pillow when you made. The pillow has no face, no history, no memories. It is just this plush item that feels no pain no matter how hard you drive your fist into it's imaginary face.
And everyone has contemplated doing what this JetBlue guy did. To say 'fuck you, fuck you, an definitely fuck you' followed by throwing back a beer or two and exiting with a sense of self worth. Because while people are assholes they have a tendency of bringing out the asshole in you. Even when you want to be the bigger person.
And maybe that's why I can't feel any sympathy for Heather as be goes on and on about the trials of post grad life. I want to tell her to shut up, suck it up and take one for the team. She is not making it any easier for the rest of us who don't want to be there when she keeps making comments about how sick she is of...being there.
I only bring her up because a while back we jokingly agreed that we would make really good roommates. Okay, she joked about it while I smiled on as if she had just drank crazy juice. Did I mention that she is annoying. I can't even sleeping over her house let alone being roommates with her. But today she came into work, pissed of course, and said that she was done with this place and would start to look for jobs in upstate New York.
'as soon as I get a job we can start looking for an apartment. it won't be that hard for you to transfer from this bookstore to one closer to where we will live'
Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly?
I am a very defensive person. I quickly get offended by actions and words that denote my self worth. And for some reason I was so...hurt by her complete ignorance to my wants in life. So, i may have halfheartedly nodded by head to a joke about moving into together but when did all of my plans for myself, two years in the making, revolve around moving to Upstate New York when she get a job where I would live happily working at a new bookstore. I was so infuriated I wanted to....tell her to go fuck herself. In a very polite way of course.
Instead I just stared at her, laughed nervously and then made some excuse so I could get away from her.
I can say that I didn't see myself being in this position two years ago. And with every glimmer of hope that things will get better there is a setback that throws me off kilter. I have not heard back from the job in regards to setting up an interview. They re posted the ad online which gave me some hope that they hadn't interviewed people yet and that I would get a call or email to set something up. But the fact that I can't get in touch with the HR Lady makes me feel crazy, as if the whole voicemail was a tease.
I want to be persistent without being annoying but this situation is driving me crazy. Limbo is a horrible place to be. I can't go back, I can't go forward so instead I just feel stuck. I don't know the proper steps to take to make things better. I called last Tuesday, left a message with an Office Assistant on Thursday and tried another attempt this Tuesday. But nothing. At all.
I feel weighed down by things. Stress, anxiety, and life. I hate admitting this because it almost feels like defeat
It's absolutely funny (now) talking to recent grads these days. They have this sense of entitlement , that I must have possessed too, in regards to the job market I cannot help but find hilarious. Like me, they believed graduating college would automatically lead to a job. That after four or five years of undergraduate study they would come out alive, with a diploma and a sweet job offer after crossing the stage. But of course they find out that that is not the case, and life has a way of sucking hardcore for a while.
Case in Point:
I work with an incredibly annoying girl named Heather, who just got her B.S from a university upstate. She was a seasonal worker a couple of months ago because she finally graduated with her undergraduate requirements. Once she graduated and moved back home she started working more hours at the bookstore, to the chagrin of the rest of us.
Heather is nice. But she is a surface level person. You never get the sense that she has a sincere bone in her body. She's made of air. Very light, always there but totally completely void of tangible substance. So she is nice but to the point of annoyance.
She wants to be a High School teacher but of course she can't find any jobs in the area. Because of this she took a full time position at the store a few weeks back while she lives at home with her parents and younger sister. In a heartbeat, she's gone from 'this job is great' to 'i can't do this anymore Beckett. I just can't. I graduated from college for god sakes'
I wish I could feel sympathetic for her, but I cant. I've been out of school for two years and with two internships under my belt finding a job is still very difficult. I hate it at the bookstore every single day. I hate the customers, I hate the b.s of working in retail, but more importantly I hate the grind. The incredible amount I put into working there for chump change. I feel like I spend more time cleaning up after people (thank you to all the assholes who leave books and magazines around) than actively engaging people about literature. And with the edition of a new E-Reader, the store is becoming more heavy in the digital aspects of consumerism.
Now that I don't want to go into Publishing working with books has lost it's luster. I still love being around books ( i could get lost in the fiction aisle for days), but I'd rather be around my own or at least in the confines of a huge collegial library; lost in the stacks of volumes and studies.
Everyone is talking about the Jet Blue flight attendant who went ape shit on a plane after getting smacked in the head by bag because of some queen bitch of an unruly passenger. Lets just say he didn't take that too well. He cursed out the passengers, quit his job and then curtailed it off that plane as fast as one can do. Despite the attention his whole rant is getting, I don't really find his actions heroic (as some people have claimed) or even the event that interesting, and for that reason I haven't made any comment about it when people bring it up at work.
To me, public proclamations about how much you hate something (work, high school, people) is a little bit too dramatic. I liked to keep my disdain for things in little internal mind pockets that I write down when it gets too much (I am however a fan of public proclamations of love. I'm talking to you John Cusack) but I can see what all the attention is about. People are assholes. Not all people, but a very large sum are shitheads. Working in retail you can't help but get a sense of this. That people like taking their frustrations and general nastiness out on strangers. It's the equivalent of being told to punch a pillow when you made. The pillow has no face, no history, no memories. It is just this plush item that feels no pain no matter how hard you drive your fist into it's imaginary face.
And everyone has contemplated doing what this JetBlue guy did. To say 'fuck you, fuck you, an definitely fuck you' followed by throwing back a beer or two and exiting with a sense of self worth. Because while people are assholes they have a tendency of bringing out the asshole in you. Even when you want to be the bigger person.
And maybe that's why I can't feel any sympathy for Heather as be goes on and on about the trials of post grad life. I want to tell her to shut up, suck it up and take one for the team. She is not making it any easier for the rest of us who don't want to be there when she keeps making comments about how sick she is of...being there.
I only bring her up because a while back we jokingly agreed that we would make really good roommates. Okay, she joked about it while I smiled on as if she had just drank crazy juice. Did I mention that she is annoying. I can't even sleeping over her house let alone being roommates with her. But today she came into work, pissed of course, and said that she was done with this place and would start to look for jobs in upstate New York.
'as soon as I get a job we can start looking for an apartment. it won't be that hard for you to transfer from this bookstore to one closer to where we will live'
Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly?
I am a very defensive person. I quickly get offended by actions and words that denote my self worth. And for some reason I was so...hurt by her complete ignorance to my wants in life. So, i may have halfheartedly nodded by head to a joke about moving into together but when did all of my plans for myself, two years in the making, revolve around moving to Upstate New York when she get a job where I would live happily working at a new bookstore. I was so infuriated I wanted to....tell her to go fuck herself. In a very polite way of course.
Instead I just stared at her, laughed nervously and then made some excuse so I could get away from her.
I can say that I didn't see myself being in this position two years ago. And with every glimmer of hope that things will get better there is a setback that throws me off kilter. I have not heard back from the job in regards to setting up an interview. They re posted the ad online which gave me some hope that they hadn't interviewed people yet and that I would get a call or email to set something up. But the fact that I can't get in touch with the HR Lady makes me feel crazy, as if the whole voicemail was a tease.
I want to be persistent without being annoying but this situation is driving me crazy. Limbo is a horrible place to be. I can't go back, I can't go forward so instead I just feel stuck. I don't know the proper steps to take to make things better. I called last Tuesday, left a message with an Office Assistant on Thursday and tried another attempt this Tuesday. But nothing. At all.
I feel weighed down by things. Stress, anxiety, and life. I hate admitting this because it almost feels like defeat
Thursday, August 05, 2010
'Sometimes, It Be Like...Damn'
My post vacation days are not flying by as smoothly as I would like it. This is starting to get on my nerves, so much that I've contemplated taking another break. That's not going to happen anytime soon though.
I am going through a small freak about issue as of late that involves a potential interview for a potential job that i hope i didn't potentially screw myself out of.
On Tuesday after getting three calls in a row from Marie (which i ignored because it was my day off and I didn't want to hear about how sucky her life is) i checked my messages to make sure she hadn't gone and got herself arrested or something and was calling me from jail to bail her out. Yeah it would be pretty hard to do from New York, but she knows I have her back.
I had 6 voicemails to listen to, and the fourth one (received on July 28th) was from an HR Assistant from a job I applied too last Monday. The job, and subsequent position, is with a company I use to travel to when i interned for Lenny and was forced to carry large cameras to and fro. I actually ended up LOVING this company because a) it was right around the corner and b) the people were awesome.
You can thus understand my 'holy shit, holy shit, i can't believe i missed this fucking phone call. what the hell am I going to do' freak out and it has been that way since Tuesday. I called the number back but have only been able to reach her voicemail. I am praying to whoever will listen that the interview portion is still open and that I may be squeezed in this Tuesday.
A billion and one things are running through my head. The way the job search is going, I get an interview (on the average) about once every three months. My last real interview was with BBC America in May and though I have sent out some promising cover letters since then this is my first response back in three months.
I cannot stress how important having a job is. Right now I pull in an embarrassing amount of money each week. I can afford rent, frozen food and my occasional splurge ( GQ magazine) but that is as far as my money can get me. And once my deferment is over I will have to pay my student loans.
I have every intention of participating in an UK production scheme, but because that will not occur until next summer I need a job before then. Combined with the fact that this is a company I am both familiar with and in like with, I am stressed to the max that I may have missed an opportunity. I'd rather have the 50/50 chance of being hired or not based on interview rather than not having a shot at all because I missed a phone call and my dumb ass phone (which I have voicemail problems with in the past) did not notify me of a voicemail last Wednesday.
So yeah, I'm freaking out.
What's not helping my headlong dive into FML (Fuck My Life) is my sudden personal problems with people at work. Kat is proving to be more emotionally dependent than I ever suspected. Naturally, I am a very moody person. I am a ball full of good energy paired with a sliver of sad introspection. It's a balance I'm okay with. Kat on the other hand is finding my sudden 'quiet spells' a little unnerving.
People are confusing and complex, I should know because i am confusing and complex. I do have a tendency of getting into spells of quietness. I am triggered easily by physical or emotional reactions to my enviroment (sometimes both) that I cannot understand or explain, and when this happens I isolate myself from certain people in order to re-group.
This Evan/Kat thing has stirred within me deep rooted issues of...jealousy. Not necessarily because those two are flirting it up left and right but because they have made a connection (whatever it may be) that I know he would have (has never) attempted with me. I admit I am not easily accessible. I am off in my own world/head for the majority of the time. But I am only ever asked to do group activities (outside of hanging out with my friend Toaster from time to time). As if being alone with me for a unforeseen amount of time is not...cool.
Case in Point: Yesterday I walked into the break room and Josh was chatting it up with the really pretty girl from cafe. She is uber nice, very dim and sometimes a bore but nice nonetheless. I was changing into my work shoes when Josh exclaimed 'god, i really wish i had someone to go to the movies with this Friday. it's been so long since I've been to a good movie'.
It was a blatant attempt to gage Cafe Girl's interest but she just sort of shrugged and looked at her magazine. He then turned to me, knowing that i work this Friday (because we'd just talked about 15 minutes earlier) and that I would have to say no while he got to appear chivalrous and polite. But of course he asked anyway: 'so how 'bout' it Beckett me, you wanna see a movie Friday'. I gave a look like 'really you are going to do this to me right now. use me in front of Cafe Girl to reject your invitation in hopes that the real target of your inquiry will say yes'. So of course I said 'nope, can't do it. maybe next time'.
But there won't be a next time, because if Cafe Girl wasn't in the room he would have never mentioned going to the movies, especially with me. And this has nothing to do with my tendency to bail because I have not done so in a very long time. I am just not the girl boys hang out with. I am the girl boys are just nice too in passing.
I feel threatened by Evan/Kat's new relationship thingy. I feel like the oddball girl who will never make real connections with people both because I don't know how and because they don't want to...with me.
It's that simple and yet I don't feel the need to have to explain it to people, especially Kat. I know it doesn't make sense, I know that I have black and white thinking with the absence of grey. My thoughts perceive actions without rational thinking. That's why when I get in my weird 'moods' i stay away from certain people until the negative thinking wanes itself. I can't really do that with someone pestering my every emotion every day though.
Once I assured Kat (for the hundredth time it seems) that my mood was just how I cope with things, I saw her check out a book from the store (store loan thing we have) about...wait for it...wait for it... Borderline Personality.
FML
This makes me very uncomfortable on all sorts of levels. She has a tendency of trying to understand every aspect of people in a relentless pursuit of some truth. Evan wants to be a therapist and has a tendency of self diagnosing people. The two of them together could get me committed if I'm not careful. I don't know if she's reading the book for her own personal reasons. I am not that vain to think she could possibly be reading it because of me but the timing is just unusual. And the Borderline thing has always made me feel...weird. I now know that skirt many lines accept this one, trust me. But the symptoms are sooooo similar to my bouts of anxiety and depression that I can't say I haven't in the past felt like I've actually bordered the line of Borderline.
The truth is I have a million things to worry about right now outside of co-workers trying to figure me out. I need a job, I need money, I need to be living comfortably for the first time in my adult life. And I really want this job.
I am going through a small freak about issue as of late that involves a potential interview for a potential job that i hope i didn't potentially screw myself out of.
On Tuesday after getting three calls in a row from Marie (which i ignored because it was my day off and I didn't want to hear about how sucky her life is) i checked my messages to make sure she hadn't gone and got herself arrested or something and was calling me from jail to bail her out. Yeah it would be pretty hard to do from New York, but she knows I have her back.
I had 6 voicemails to listen to, and the fourth one (received on July 28th) was from an HR Assistant from a job I applied too last Monday. The job, and subsequent position, is with a company I use to travel to when i interned for Lenny and was forced to carry large cameras to and fro. I actually ended up LOVING this company because a) it was right around the corner and b) the people were awesome.
You can thus understand my 'holy shit, holy shit, i can't believe i missed this fucking phone call. what the hell am I going to do' freak out and it has been that way since Tuesday. I called the number back but have only been able to reach her voicemail. I am praying to whoever will listen that the interview portion is still open and that I may be squeezed in this Tuesday.
A billion and one things are running through my head. The way the job search is going, I get an interview (on the average) about once every three months. My last real interview was with BBC America in May and though I have sent out some promising cover letters since then this is my first response back in three months.
I cannot stress how important having a job is. Right now I pull in an embarrassing amount of money each week. I can afford rent, frozen food and my occasional splurge ( GQ magazine) but that is as far as my money can get me. And once my deferment is over I will have to pay my student loans.
I have every intention of participating in an UK production scheme, but because that will not occur until next summer I need a job before then. Combined with the fact that this is a company I am both familiar with and in like with, I am stressed to the max that I may have missed an opportunity. I'd rather have the 50/50 chance of being hired or not based on interview rather than not having a shot at all because I missed a phone call and my dumb ass phone (which I have voicemail problems with in the past) did not notify me of a voicemail last Wednesday.
So yeah, I'm freaking out.
What's not helping my headlong dive into FML (Fuck My Life) is my sudden personal problems with people at work. Kat is proving to be more emotionally dependent than I ever suspected. Naturally, I am a very moody person. I am a ball full of good energy paired with a sliver of sad introspection. It's a balance I'm okay with. Kat on the other hand is finding my sudden 'quiet spells' a little unnerving.
People are confusing and complex, I should know because i am confusing and complex. I do have a tendency of getting into spells of quietness. I am triggered easily by physical or emotional reactions to my enviroment (sometimes both) that I cannot understand or explain, and when this happens I isolate myself from certain people in order to re-group.
This Evan/Kat thing has stirred within me deep rooted issues of...jealousy. Not necessarily because those two are flirting it up left and right but because they have made a connection (whatever it may be) that I know he would have (has never) attempted with me. I admit I am not easily accessible. I am off in my own world/head for the majority of the time. But I am only ever asked to do group activities (outside of hanging out with my friend Toaster from time to time). As if being alone with me for a unforeseen amount of time is not...cool.
Case in Point: Yesterday I walked into the break room and Josh was chatting it up with the really pretty girl from cafe. She is uber nice, very dim and sometimes a bore but nice nonetheless. I was changing into my work shoes when Josh exclaimed 'god, i really wish i had someone to go to the movies with this Friday. it's been so long since I've been to a good movie'.
It was a blatant attempt to gage Cafe Girl's interest but she just sort of shrugged and looked at her magazine. He then turned to me, knowing that i work this Friday (because we'd just talked about 15 minutes earlier) and that I would have to say no while he got to appear chivalrous and polite. But of course he asked anyway: 'so how 'bout' it Beckett me, you wanna see a movie Friday'. I gave a look like 'really you are going to do this to me right now. use me in front of Cafe Girl to reject your invitation in hopes that the real target of your inquiry will say yes'. So of course I said 'nope, can't do it. maybe next time'.
But there won't be a next time, because if Cafe Girl wasn't in the room he would have never mentioned going to the movies, especially with me. And this has nothing to do with my tendency to bail because I have not done so in a very long time. I am just not the girl boys hang out with. I am the girl boys are just nice too in passing.
I feel threatened by Evan/Kat's new relationship thingy. I feel like the oddball girl who will never make real connections with people both because I don't know how and because they don't want to...with me.
It's that simple and yet I don't feel the need to have to explain it to people, especially Kat. I know it doesn't make sense, I know that I have black and white thinking with the absence of grey. My thoughts perceive actions without rational thinking. That's why when I get in my weird 'moods' i stay away from certain people until the negative thinking wanes itself. I can't really do that with someone pestering my every emotion every day though.
Once I assured Kat (for the hundredth time it seems) that my mood was just how I cope with things, I saw her check out a book from the store (store loan thing we have) about...wait for it...wait for it... Borderline Personality.
FML
This makes me very uncomfortable on all sorts of levels. She has a tendency of trying to understand every aspect of people in a relentless pursuit of some truth. Evan wants to be a therapist and has a tendency of self diagnosing people. The two of them together could get me committed if I'm not careful. I don't know if she's reading the book for her own personal reasons. I am not that vain to think she could possibly be reading it because of me but the timing is just unusual. And the Borderline thing has always made me feel...weird. I now know that skirt many lines accept this one, trust me. But the symptoms are sooooo similar to my bouts of anxiety and depression that I can't say I haven't in the past felt like I've actually bordered the line of Borderline.
The truth is I have a million things to worry about right now outside of co-workers trying to figure me out. I need a job, I need money, I need to be living comfortably for the first time in my adult life. And I really want this job.
Monday, August 02, 2010
No Boys Allowed.
So, yesterday I partook in Nerd Day 2010 with four of my very sober (because they are usually very drunk) co-workers. And it was.... a very awkward day. But totally not on my part. Score!
When we Jenn came up with the idea to have a geeky day in the city it was strictly a girls event. No boys allowed and in all honesty I was looking forward to that aspect of the day. I don't have a lot of girl friends. I am not one of those girls who claims to get along with boys any better because I don't. Like some ambivalent outsider, both sexes are completely alien and confusing to me.
On the DVD commentary from the movie Girl Interrupted, the director says he wanted to create a scene in the movie where Susanna Kaysen (Winona Ryder) interacts with the girls in a way that she has never done so in her 'normal life'. This scene involves Susanna with the other residents sneaking out of there rooms at night to the basement of the hospital where there is this very old bowling alley. Just as she is sneaking out of her room with a nervous smile across her face, the director says something along the lines of ' i wanted the audience to get a sense that Susanna has never had female friends and this is the moment where she is initiated into a sisterhood she's never had. A crazy, dysfunctional but all too accurate one where she finally feels she belongs'
And damn it all to hell, I wanted that experience yesterday. Because you know what, I've haven't been a part of a 'sisterhood' in a very long time. Not since I was eight when I was best friends with my tight as hell grade school trio: Heather, Kathleen and Alison. And learning of this Nerd Day 2010, made me all kinds of happy because it was going to be the girls day of my dreams. A day where three highly intelligent, funny, girls spent the day talking about boys and awing over dinosaurs.
But our Girls Day quickly became a "Well, Evan and Matt Can Come Along Too" day. This was not an issue two weeks ago when we were all very normal people. Evan was Evan. Matt was Matt. Kat was Kat. And Jenn was just a girl wanting to invite some friends over to her cool new york apartment. But something happened when I went away for vacation. I came back and Evan and Kat (my good buddy at work) became EvanKat and Matt and Jenn apparently had dabbled in MattJenn and I was just along for the ride.
It was as if I'd stepped inside some weird episode of Friends where everyone has dated each other . The JennMatt thing I knew about because she liked him a long time ago but he had a girlfriend and it was just a simple crush. But this EvanKat is very weird because Kat has a boyfriend and Evan is a flirt. There are some people who aren't annoying in pairs. There are others who don't do the pair thing well and have a way of isolating you. I'll let you figure out where the KatEvan pair fall.
I don't know what is going on between them. I don't even know why I should care, but upon returning to work and having them be all 'we talk really close to one anothers face now and have secret eye contact signals' now is weird. I have my own very deep rooted not talked about issues of jealousy and inadequacy that will take some time to resolve. I can go from feeling isolated and overwhelmed by people very quickly. And for some reason there new found 'connection' to one another is affecting me in a way that it shouldn't. And I dreaded having to spend a day with those two because I've been a little dismissive of them lately. Get a room. Or don't get a room because Kat you have a really nice boyfriend and Evan is a self proclaimed man whore.
Anyway,
With Nerd Day 2010 now in effect we were all going to meet at the train station in town to head to Jenns Apartment in Washington Heights. A few days ago EvanKat decided they wanted to take another route that was closer to where they lived. Matt and I were a little miffed because splitting the group up that early could lead to some confusion. Plus both Kat and Evan are horrible with directions. If any splitting up was to occur it should involve having one direction person paired with someone who is horrible with directions.
And I honestly didn't want to have to travel with Matt alone, because I've never hung out with him outside of work alone and I'm not really good with small talk. But Evan convinced Kat to tag along with him and we weren't going to make a big deal of it.
Matt and I fared well on our trip. He is good with directions (as am I) and we got to her apartment without too much trouble. We even manage to carry on a conversation that lacked in awkward silences. As we were in Fordham looking for the subway we got a text from EvanKat that they messed up the train schedules and would be an hour late. We couldn't help but voice our frustrations with them early on because this could have been avoided.
Matt and I got to Jenns in time for an apartment tour (cutest. apartment. ever) and we started eating the delicious hamburgers early because our stomachs were growling. We chilled out for about 45 minutes until EvanKat arrived and they were too given a apartment tour. They apologized right away for the confusion but made no mention of the incident again.
The rest of the day (a long day too, like 10 hours) went by...okay. There wasn't a moment where we felt like a cohesive group of 5. We splintered off most of the trip into the comfort zones of our relationship. I gravitated towards Jenn and Matt more while EvanKat never strayed to far from one another. Kat got a headache halfway throughout the trip and she clung to Matt's side to relieve tension in her head.
Going to the Dino museum was awesome (i mean come on it's dinosaurs) but because I'd just been there three months ago and the four of them were all frequent visitors to the museum it almost felt redundant; 'been there done that'. I didn't stop me from snapping pictures though and wandering off by myself a few times to marvel at some displays I'd missed on my last trip.
As we were making our way around the ocean life exhibit an announcement came over the loudspeakers telling everyone the museum was closing. It was only 5:15 and we didn't know we were there that long. When we got outside Evan looked to his watched and exhaled loudly 'guys, Kat and I want to go see a movie at 7. It's all the way downtown though so we were going to head down that way to---".
It was the most b.s thing ever. They obviously were not inviting us to go and were ready to ditch us the moment an opportunity presented itself. But then Matt suggested (because maybe he was a tad bit oblivious) that we could ALL head down that way because The Strand and some huge Comic Book store was down there. Because I've wanted to go to the Strand forever, I jumped at the idea.
The trip sort of tailed off once we reached Union Square. EvanKat were ready to split from the group, Jenn was tired, I was bored and Matt bought a $30 toy he couldn't wait to open. It was around seven when EvanKat left and the three of us tried to salvage the rest of the trip but to no avail. Matt and I headed back to westchester and fell asleep on the train nearly missing our stop.
It was an okay day but I feel like if you have to keep repeating that you are having a good time (which we all did several times throughout the day) than you aren't really having that great of a time. We were all dancing to a different beat and while it wasn't a disaster it wasn't an effortless experience. There were times when together we struggled to talk about things often reverting to conversations about work in an attempt to lighten the mood.
I attribute a lot of the awkwardness to the sexual tension in the group, none of it floating towards me I must add (bitter much). I think Billy Crystal has a point. Maybe men and women can never really be friends. At 24 anyway, it doesn't seem like it. It seems completely impossible.
Before we nodded off on the train me and Matt had this conversation:
Matt: So, it was a fun day
Me: Yeah. I'm glad I didn't bail. I got some cool books and the burgers were good.
Matt: Really good burgers [pause] So Kat must really like Evan
Me: [Exaggeratedly southern] How ever do you mean?
Matt: I don't know. It's just she never hangs out with anyone outside of work. Ever. And I've asked her to go to movies plenty of times and she flat out says no.
Me: Then she must really like Evan
Matt: Really like him. Made it sort of awkward don't you think.
Yes sir, it did.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Rooftop Day....
...and I'm nervous as hell.
the last few days have not been great. Readjusting to a plethora of activities, people and general anxiety has put me in a funk. A weird depressive like funk.
It doesn't help that the other day I was caught up in a rift with two of the people attending this rooftop lunch thing. Not a huge rift but nonetheless it has made things pretty weird. I'll talk more about it later. Essentially it involves my feelings of isolation, jealousy, and confusion after finding out that these two are now really close (despite one having a boyfriend, and the other trying to date a girl from work). While working with them they talked secretly, confided in one another, flirted openly and had inside references I was not a part of.
This did not bother me too much. I am use to being the third, oddball wheel. My defense against feelings of isolation though is to crawl inside my head when people inadvertently shut you out without noticing. I don't mind being in my head sometimes. Fun things happen there. But I guess they got wind of my silence and spent the rest of the evening asking me what was wrong.
As a girl who has felt on the verge of crazy her whole life the question I hate the most is 'what's wrong'. It makes me feel like I can't feel my various moods in all of it's...power. I don't mind being a little moody. I know that I can go from calm and relaxed to antsy and contemplative rather quickly. But these two extremes help me function. I need them.
I need to experience every emotion without interruption and having it repeatedly challenged (inquired about, though I assured them that I was okay and just have a tendency to fade into myself some days ) makes me feel like a whack job. It does more harm than good when you ask over and over again. I don't know why yet.
Anyway, the last two days have sort of sucked on a personal level and I was tempted to bail on this thing. But Matt is going, and he seems sort of excited about it which is making me excited. We are riding the train and subway there together and as a stickler for time I debated whether I wanted to go with him at all because I hate being late (and I didn't know how punctual he was)
But on the cuteness scale from 1 to ten, he scored an 9 yesterday when he said 'so I guess we should be at the train station at 11 because the train comes at 11:11' 'okay, i don't live to far away so I should have no problem making it. The real question is what time are you going to get there', he followed this by the most awesome sentence ever ' 1o:45. i hate being late'
A man of my very own heart.
I hope this goes well. I need it to on some level.
the last few days have not been great. Readjusting to a plethora of activities, people and general anxiety has put me in a funk. A weird depressive like funk.
It doesn't help that the other day I was caught up in a rift with two of the people attending this rooftop lunch thing. Not a huge rift but nonetheless it has made things pretty weird. I'll talk more about it later. Essentially it involves my feelings of isolation, jealousy, and confusion after finding out that these two are now really close (despite one having a boyfriend, and the other trying to date a girl from work). While working with them they talked secretly, confided in one another, flirted openly and had inside references I was not a part of.
This did not bother me too much. I am use to being the third, oddball wheel. My defense against feelings of isolation though is to crawl inside my head when people inadvertently shut you out without noticing. I don't mind being in my head sometimes. Fun things happen there. But I guess they got wind of my silence and spent the rest of the evening asking me what was wrong.
As a girl who has felt on the verge of crazy her whole life the question I hate the most is 'what's wrong'. It makes me feel like I can't feel my various moods in all of it's...power. I don't mind being a little moody. I know that I can go from calm and relaxed to antsy and contemplative rather quickly. But these two extremes help me function. I need them.
I need to experience every emotion without interruption and having it repeatedly challenged (inquired about, though I assured them that I was okay and just have a tendency to fade into myself some days ) makes me feel like a whack job. It does more harm than good when you ask over and over again. I don't know why yet.
Anyway, the last two days have sort of sucked on a personal level and I was tempted to bail on this thing. But Matt is going, and he seems sort of excited about it which is making me excited. We are riding the train and subway there together and as a stickler for time I debated whether I wanted to go with him at all because I hate being late (and I didn't know how punctual he was)
But on the cuteness scale from 1 to ten, he scored an 9 yesterday when he said 'so I guess we should be at the train station at 11 because the train comes at 11:11' 'okay, i don't live to far away so I should have no problem making it. The real question is what time are you going to get there', he followed this by the most awesome sentence ever ' 1o:45. i hate being late'
A man of my very own heart.
I hope this goes well. I need it to on some level.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Dog Days Are Over?
You know what I hate about vacation. I hate the few days after you come home, when suddenly you are bombarded with the things you left behind and must find a way to readjust to your real life again.
I left New York knowing that August was going to be hectic. I have things to apply to, social activities I cannot bail on, and a job to secure before I am beyond broke. Being on vacation, you forget all the aches and pains of your 'real life' in favor of relaxation and blissful ignorance. While I was home, i played Rock Band with my brother, went thrift store shopping with my mom, and pranced around in a ridiculous wig because it was fun.
I was relaxed the whole time, I slept more than I should have followed by consuming more food than I should have. And the closer my vacation got to being over, the more tense I felt because I knew the moment I landed in New York the real world would smack me in the face. That I would have to arm myself with body armour and forge ahead.
Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
I arrived in New York Sunday afternoon. After having my cab stolen by a lady with a pocket sized dog, getting caught up in a torrential rain storm and having another near face plant at Grand Central I made it home...and slept all day. I got texts throughout the night from co-workers/friends reminding me of lunch dates, movie screenings, and a potential skydiving trips I've promised to attend in the upcoming weeks (don't ask about the skydiving one). These events are all coming up quickly and I am sort of nervous, because I am trying to be as social as possible without wearing my introverted self out.
I am still perplexed as to why people want to hang out with me and must find ways to overcome this insecurity. This Sunday, I am invited to rooftop luncheon (which hopefully won't be as painful as the last one) with friends from work. Jenn, the girl who spent the night in my room, quit the store a few months back because of new manager and a teaching gig she got via her professor. Despite a few rough patches in our friendship I like her a lot. We get along really well and have a similar sense of humor (deadpan, dry). She moved to the city this summer and invited me and another girl over to her place for a rooftop picnic/ museum hopping day.
It was intended to be a "Nerd Day 2010 Extravaganza": food, wine, and sight seeing. No boys allowed. Of course that quickly changed, and our party of three rounded out to a party of five once Evan and Matt asked to come along. Either way I'm kind of excited about Sunday. The last time I was on a roof eating food, I was getting the stank eye from a very territorial editorial assistant. Let's hope I fare better this time around.
Marie is slightly 'jealous' of my so called social life of late. Being a good friend however, she does listen to me when I talk about my tentative plans with people. At the end of every conversation though she says ' i wish i had someone to do all those things with'. I wonder if I am doing the same thing to her that she did to me in college. A time when she called every two months to talk about her boyfriend, friends, and general awesomeness. Okay, I take that back, I am definitely not doing that to her. We talk everyday and I am not that vain but every time she mentions how she would kill to have something to do every weekend, I want to reply 'but you have a job. i don't. want to trade places'.
I am still very concerned about the job market and my lack of one. I hate that I would rather have a well paying, non hourly wage job than a friend to go to the movies with. In my hearts of hearts I want to balance both a social life with a career, but to say one is more important than the other at this point would be an understatement. What I wouldn't do to have a freaking job to go to on regularly scheduled days preferably with weekends off. Seriously.
And, while I was home I got my freaking passport. Well, I will have it in a couple of weeks but I have my crappy passport picture to prove it. I can't wait to get my passport booklet, which will of course be very unstamped blue booklet with crisp pages unturned pages. Having it, makes this UK a serious matter. I have my mind made up and I want to do the production scheme. I want to live abroad for a while and become one of those Americans who talk about their world travel whenever they can. Just without the pomposity of course.
In order to go to the UK though I am going to need a great deal of money for travel expensive hence why I am even more stressed out about getting a well paying job so that next summer I will be on my way across the pond.
So yeah I am mile deep in get togethers, birthday parties and that random skydiving trip but I am also looking ahead and trying to make sense of this life that I want to lead and where I wane to take it. My Vacation is officially over and the stress is back. Being home in South Carolina has already begun to feel like a distant pleasant memory that existed all too long ago.
I left New York knowing that August was going to be hectic. I have things to apply to, social activities I cannot bail on, and a job to secure before I am beyond broke. Being on vacation, you forget all the aches and pains of your 'real life' in favor of relaxation and blissful ignorance. While I was home, i played Rock Band with my brother, went thrift store shopping with my mom, and pranced around in a ridiculous wig because it was fun.
I was relaxed the whole time, I slept more than I should have followed by consuming more food than I should have. And the closer my vacation got to being over, the more tense I felt because I knew the moment I landed in New York the real world would smack me in the face. That I would have to arm myself with body armour and forge ahead.
Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
I arrived in New York Sunday afternoon. After having my cab stolen by a lady with a pocket sized dog, getting caught up in a torrential rain storm and having another near face plant at Grand Central I made it home...and slept all day. I got texts throughout the night from co-workers/friends reminding me of lunch dates, movie screenings, and a potential skydiving trips I've promised to attend in the upcoming weeks (don't ask about the skydiving one). These events are all coming up quickly and I am sort of nervous, because I am trying to be as social as possible without wearing my introverted self out.
I am still perplexed as to why people want to hang out with me and must find ways to overcome this insecurity. This Sunday, I am invited to rooftop luncheon (which hopefully won't be as painful as the last one) with friends from work. Jenn, the girl who spent the night in my room, quit the store a few months back because of new manager and a teaching gig she got via her professor. Despite a few rough patches in our friendship I like her a lot. We get along really well and have a similar sense of humor (deadpan, dry). She moved to the city this summer and invited me and another girl over to her place for a rooftop picnic/ museum hopping day.
It was intended to be a "Nerd Day 2010 Extravaganza": food, wine, and sight seeing. No boys allowed. Of course that quickly changed, and our party of three rounded out to a party of five once Evan and Matt asked to come along. Either way I'm kind of excited about Sunday. The last time I was on a roof eating food, I was getting the stank eye from a very territorial editorial assistant. Let's hope I fare better this time around.
Marie is slightly 'jealous' of my so called social life of late. Being a good friend however, she does listen to me when I talk about my tentative plans with people. At the end of every conversation though she says ' i wish i had someone to do all those things with'. I wonder if I am doing the same thing to her that she did to me in college. A time when she called every two months to talk about her boyfriend, friends, and general awesomeness. Okay, I take that back, I am definitely not doing that to her. We talk everyday and I am not that vain but every time she mentions how she would kill to have something to do every weekend, I want to reply 'but you have a job. i don't. want to trade places'.
I am still very concerned about the job market and my lack of one. I hate that I would rather have a well paying, non hourly wage job than a friend to go to the movies with. In my hearts of hearts I want to balance both a social life with a career, but to say one is more important than the other at this point would be an understatement. What I wouldn't do to have a freaking job to go to on regularly scheduled days preferably with weekends off. Seriously.
And, while I was home I got my freaking passport. Well, I will have it in a couple of weeks but I have my crappy passport picture to prove it. I can't wait to get my passport booklet, which will of course be very unstamped blue booklet with crisp pages unturned pages. Having it, makes this UK a serious matter. I have my mind made up and I want to do the production scheme. I want to live abroad for a while and become one of those Americans who talk about their world travel whenever they can. Just without the pomposity of course.
In order to go to the UK though I am going to need a great deal of money for travel expensive hence why I am even more stressed out about getting a well paying job so that next summer I will be on my way across the pond.
So yeah I am mile deep in get togethers, birthday parties and that random skydiving trip but I am also looking ahead and trying to make sense of this life that I want to lead and where I wane to take it. My Vacation is officially over and the stress is back. Being home in South Carolina has already begun to feel like a distant pleasant memory that existed all too long ago.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I've Walked Alone.
I made quite a revelation a few weeks ago, that the root of my anxiety may lie in the fact that I never wanted to belong to a group of people.
Let me explain. Last Saturday I had the worst day at work in a very long time. It was a very chaotic day because we were short staffed, and there was a customer in the store who is banned because he goes into the kids department to stare at the children. After alerting the managers, once he walked in, I was told that that was not the guy and had made a mistake.
Knowing that I was not wrong, I kept my eye on the fucker and alerted other people of my co-workers of my concern. Moments later, guess who I found in the kids department being all kinds of sketchy. I altered the kids department lead who called a manager to voice her concern. They took her seriously and escorted him out of the store.
You know how I just summed that experience up in a paragraph to make it seem like it took 30 minutes from the time he entered the store to the time he was escorted out. Well it actually took about three hours of me stalking this guy around the store, most of which I spent pleading for someone to do something. It was the most immobilizing feeling. The minute Evan saw my face, he asked what was wrong and when I told him about the guy he immediately believed me and helped me alert my co-workers. It was impulsive and dumb I know, but my gut feelings never fail me, even when everyone around me is telling me I am wrong.
After the guy was booted from the store, I apologized to Evan for freaking out on him. I told him my anxiety started flaring up about the situation and I usually am in control of who gets to see me get all antsy. For some reason we bonded over this very uncomfortable situation (and my very uncomfortable admission to him), and while we were chatting it up at customer service (hours later) he shared with me an embarrassing piece of information I guess in return for my honesty.
We were looking at some tattoo books and I mentioned that I've always wanted one but don't see the point in branding my skin. Evan has several tattoos, and plans on getting more so he was bent on explaining the awesomeness of permanent skin ink. Some how we got to talking about other forms of body modification and he admitted that he also has a brand on his skin. Someone actually burnt his flesh to brand him with some symbol. Not only does he have a brand, but it's on his butt.
When he told me this I laughed out loud, because I thought he was kidding. No one gets a brand on their ass because they want to. But he kept repeating 'no seriously, i have one on my ass' while laughing nervously with me. At this point, I realized he wasn't kidding and apologized for laughing at him. Evan joined a fraternity in school and one of the 'rituals' or 'initiation' involves having your ass branded. He then pulled out his wallet and showed me fraternity card, all gold and pompous, to show his acceptance into the frat.
It occurred to me then, that this was not unusual. People sacrifice things all the time to belong to a group. There is this really famous body of work by John Locke (i believe) detailing this idea of a 'social contract' and the creation of a community. We all give up some rights in order to be accepted into a community. Whether that community is a social clique, a well intention group, or some dumb frat we do it to belong, but more importantly to have a place to belong. Sometimes in the extreme sense of having your ass branded. Mostly in less embarrassing or intrusive ways. And yet someone, I have avoided this sense of belonging to something for the last 24 years outside of family and the handful of people I call friends.
This cannot be normal.
Evans branding seems more normal than my aversion to belonging. I mean here is the nice, sensitive, happy drunk kid (20) from a wealthy publishing family who doesn't have to work at the bookstore but he does to make his own money. He has ginger hair and a really mischievous smile, and he can't help but like him.
But he also wants to belong so badly that he tries to please everyone. He hates being on the outside of anything. He once thought I was mad at him and spent the whole day apologizing to make sure we were on good terms. The moment he thinks he is falling out of 'flavor' with someone he will make inquiries about your well being and if he has done anything to offend you.
It's nice and annoying. I admitted to him that I never joined a sorority so I couldn't show him any nice laminated cards or ass branding I really said this to make light of the branding and to poke fun at myself. But thinking back on it, I've never really joined anything. I was never apart of any sort of team/group/person for longer than a week without bailing. I've never wanted to belong to one thing or person exclusively.
And the moments when I do feel I want to belong I don't know how to. I can't wrap myself around the fact that people want me to participate in something. That there is this group that I can belong to unabashedly and unashamed. And I can't help but feel this sense of loss at never wanting to belong to something as much as I want things to belong to me.
Case in Point: Simon.
I love the train ride to Grand Central Station. After zipping through all the towns that lie on the outskirt of the city, we cross this bridge and fly through Harlem. For some reason as we were passing some brownstones on the way to Grand Central, I remembered a story Simon told me about getting beat up in Harlem when he was in his early 20's. He was walking hand in hand with his girlfriend at the time and some teenagers approached them because, in his words, 'i was some white guy from the Upper East Side, walking hand in hand with an extremely hot black girl. It was bound to happen'.
He eventually got beat up by three of them and ended up in a hospital for face lacerations. He went to his father right after the event (because his dads a doctor and because it's his dad) to, I don't know, to cry to get help, to hear some sage words. And his father turned him away, bruised face and all. His dad was too busy with other things to calm his son down. And he told me that was the last time he spoke to his dad because of his lack of empathy. Because he couldn't give a shit because he didn't know how. And as he was telling me all of this in that damn Soho loft again, inches away from my face, I felt his immense connection that still makes me smile. I mean my head was bent and his head was bent we are staring each other in the eyes, which for someone with really bad eye contact is a landmark thing for me.
And I wanted to tell him I was sorry, I wanted to touch his face where the scars weren't anymore and tell him that I couldn't understand because I never got my ass kicked by a bunch of teenagers, but that I was sorry nonetheless. And at the time I didn't know what I was feeling then. It was feeling of both longing and distance, and my want to fill the gap between the two. I realize then that for once, in a very very very long time and maybe my first time ever, I wanted to belong to someone, to something that wasn't my own isolation. I wanted to be apart of his crappy sad sorry, and his IT knowledge, and his really nerdy clothes. I wanted to give way of some of my selfish personal space and insecurities, to belong to just a little part of him. The part of him that made me feel safe and connected and apart of some mutual social contract. This is what most people want to belong to.
And the whole time on the train, looking out at parts of the city I have seen a million times before, I couldn't help but get the sense of him that day. That there are parts of New York City that he will forever embody for me. That there was the time that I wanted to belong to someone and some concept that was completely out of my control.
And I fear that I dabble to loosely with wanting to belong to people or a group while also staying so far away from them. That I am so use to 'walking alone' I can't grasp the concept of letting someone in. Except him though. I really really liked him. So much that I was willing to relinquish some hold on my loner status to be apart of his life and allow him into mine.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Home Movies
It's day 5 of my vacation. I can't believe it.
I arrived in South Carolina on Thursday after what can only be described as the 'worst train ride in the whole entire world'. I don't want to say anything bad about the good old state of New Jersey. I love the movie Garden State and the famous people who came out of that place alive. But my relatively calm and quiet train cabin became a rowdy, loud, cabin from hell once we started boarding people in Trenton. I didn't get any sleep and I ended up sitting next to a 15 boy who kept looking down my shirt. Remind me never to wear lace around a 15 year old boy again.
When I reached my stop, I was a little sleep deprived (thanks crying baby) and hungry.
But the last few days have made up for the terror of that train ride. I mean how is it already Monday, I want the days to drag by a little more. The first day I slept, a bunch. Then I ate, a lot followed by more sleeping.
Friday was a little more eventful. I am dressing up as Amelia Pond (Dr. Who, 11th companion) for Halloween. I know, it's weird to be thinking about Halloween so early. That is exactly what I told Josh when he asked me if I was going to the Halloween Party he is throwing in October. I shrugged and said 'i don't know, ask me in October'. But then we started talking about costumes and because I am uber obsessed with Dr. Who, I immediately knew that I wanted to dress up as one of his companions, which is pretty hard to do seeing that they dress in everyday clothes. But, when i remembered that Amelia Pond was dressed as a kiss-o-gram/uk police officer in the first episode, I knew then what my costume was going to be.
The moment, I told Josh I was going to be Amelia Pond he gave me a look like 'really, your not a Amelia Pond kind of girl'. He suggested I dress as Martha Jones or even Rose Tyler because I'm not, in his words, 'as feisty as Amelia Pond'. I think what he was trying to say was that I couldn't pull off the whole sexy, feisty, and buxom red head thing. But the moment he said that I knew that I was definitely going to be Amy Pond because it's Halloween and I want to go against character. I don't care how silly I will look. The wigs down here are cheaper, so on Friday I bought two auburn ones for my costume. I actually look a lot better in them than I thought I would, and come September I'll start ordering the rest of the items.
Anyway.
This weekend my mom made a lot of food and we camped out in front of the living room watching a mini True Blood marathon. It's what my family does. We are the most introverted people in the whole entire world. Outside of each other, we tire of social interactions quickly, so when we are all together we don't need the excitement of other people. We prefer spending our time away from the world and find comfort inside.
I have five more days of my south carolina vacation and I intend on writing and reading some while I am home. I brought too many books with me of course, especially since I have a bookshelf full of novels I haven't touched, but I could get through three or four books while i'm here.
Of course, I came across the box of my old journals (in my closet) this weekend, which I attempted to read last summer but grew to depressed to read after a while. For some reason it's all too soon to read the misery of my teen years. I was an angry little bugger, who thought leaving this place would make everything better. Leaving has and it hasn't, and I am not yet at that age where I can look fondly back on the last twelve years of my life without resentment and regret. So despite wanting to spend the day reading the 13 or so journals I poured my heart into, I won't. I'm not ready yet.
But I am going to re-read the stories I wrote (because damn are they funny) and listen to my record player. The most exciting find these past few days has been some VHS tapes my mom found a few weeks ago but didn't know whether to throw out. They turned out to be tapes I recorded on some years ago and they are too amazing to chunk in the garbage. Before Youtube, I spent my summers recording music videos, tv clips and other nonsense on my brothers blank tapes. I watched some of them yesterday and they are like watching Home Videos of sorts. They are my own personal 'mix tapes' of everything I use to love when I was a teen.
So that's where I will be today. Reliving some memories while keeping some at bay.
God, it's good to be home. A proper post tomorrow. Mainly about Simon, because he invaded my thoughts as I was trailing through the city on Wednesday. So yeah, he deserves some revisiting. Tomorrow. Pinky Promise.
~Becks
p.s. I'm still receiving really strange comments in Chinese characters on a daily basis. Strange only because they aren't relevant to the posts ('share the great sense of Pinella'. I have no idea what this means). I'm not trying to be an ass in comment regulation and I understand that translations can get...well lost in translation... but some of these comments are just indecipherable and will be deleted.
Writing here has allowed me to reach and be reached by anyone who wants to stop by this 'space' and it's also why I will not privatize Everything Was. But if your comment hasn't appeared in the comments it's because I cannot make out the translations. I am not playing favorites or anything. Whoever wants to comment can, whoever wants to just read can do so also. I intend on allowing any and every comment that I can make out, especially those relevant to the post.
Everything else will be Deleted. I'm sorry.
That's all. Sorry for the small rant but I hate having to delete these comments only because I can't understand what they mean.
Monday, July 12, 2010
I Seriously Hate Packing.
My south carolina vacation starts in 48 hours.
Of course, because I love to procrastinate, I have saved the whole packing, cleaning, washing clothes thing, to the very last minute and now I fell overwhelmed with the mess in my room and the amount of things I have to do before then.
This weekend was horrible. A bunch of people scheduled vacations for the upcoming week (me included) which left the store short staffed despite the new hires. Speaking of new hires they suck. They are young, and high five one another and I caught three of them playing a game where one person makes an O formation with their pointer and thumb finger while trying to get the other person to look in the general direction of said formation.
I feel like I know this game, but from way back when and I cannot fathom why it's amusing now.
They are also are fucking up left from right, which isn't unusual seeing that they are new but when it messes with my work flow I'm not so sympathetic to that 'newbie' thing. On Friday I was put on a register for 10 minutes to relieve someone for a bathroom break. Three other people were on the register for the rest of the day and I never made a return to the cash register. That night the register I was on came up 100 dollars short and despite ringing up 7 people in that 10 minutes I, along with the two other people on that drawer for the day, were written up for cash variance. It's nothing terribly serious. They do it every time a cash drawer is over or under, but it's a pain in the ass because you can't point your finger at the new person even though you want to.
We also have a new Technical Support Lead in the store who everyone said was a Tool. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because he looked sort of nervous and stiff when I met him. I engaged him in a meet and greet conversation and we kind of hit it off (after he called me sarcastic though). He told me he saved dogs and cats from the street and that despite being a jock he likes to read and write sometimes.
It was a very cute moment. I got a weird feeling in my belly, I imagine that's what the formation of a crush feels like: a million little molecules forming a ball in the pit of your stomach until you feel weighed down by affections.
For a moment, a moment I repeat, I thought he was going to be your cliche jock with a heart of gold character that I could hopelessly fawn over at work. That I could talk too about puppies and kittens and saving them from homelessness. Just me and him. He wouldn't admit this sort of non jocky things to the other people, it's too sensitive of a subject for him to share with just anyone. But moments later, he waves me over to his counter and asks me, because we've formed some sort of bond, if he can give hot customers his phone number while he is at work.
Seriously.
The ball in the pit of my stomach where I imagined us together wearing cargo pants while saving cute animals from the street burst and instead was replaced by undeniable rage at his betrayal. I hope my face didn't drop but I calmly told him that it would be unprofessional and could get him in trouble if the managers found out. "damn" he said "but she was really hot. I mean she didn't say it but I knew she wanted my number". So much for saving the animals together.
An hour later Evan came up to me and was like "New Guy.... is a Tool. Seriously. A Tooly McToolBag", so that will be his name on this blog for now on.
So needless to say I am happy for my vacation time. But I also am very nervous about leaving. I do have this weird fear of leaving things behind, only to return to something completely different. It was nice to assuage these fears with The Artist, who I spent 15 minutes saying goodbye to yesterday. He once said "with a name like yours i'd be a writer' and i've been attached to him, in a platonic way, ever since.
We rarely see each other at work, because he works in the music department, but when we do it's awesome. I admitted to him during my goodbyes that I love being home but fear letting go of what I have here for two weeks. Even though what I have here sucks and sometimes doesn't work out the way I want to. He agreed but said he'd be there when I returned, for a little while anyway, he promised.
I am both going to miss this place for a week and kiss the (hot) ground when I arrive in south carolina. I don't have anything terribly fun planned (the whole: no south carolina friends thing is really sort of a bummer) so I apologize now for posts about tv shows and books I have read.
Now back to cleaning, before a closing shift at the dreaded bookstore.
Of course, because I love to procrastinate, I have saved the whole packing, cleaning, washing clothes thing, to the very last minute and now I fell overwhelmed with the mess in my room and the amount of things I have to do before then.
This weekend was horrible. A bunch of people scheduled vacations for the upcoming week (me included) which left the store short staffed despite the new hires. Speaking of new hires they suck. They are young, and high five one another and I caught three of them playing a game where one person makes an O formation with their pointer and thumb finger while trying to get the other person to look in the general direction of said formation.
I feel like I know this game, but from way back when and I cannot fathom why it's amusing now.
They are also are fucking up left from right, which isn't unusual seeing that they are new but when it messes with my work flow I'm not so sympathetic to that 'newbie' thing. On Friday I was put on a register for 10 minutes to relieve someone for a bathroom break. Three other people were on the register for the rest of the day and I never made a return to the cash register. That night the register I was on came up 100 dollars short and despite ringing up 7 people in that 10 minutes I, along with the two other people on that drawer for the day, were written up for cash variance. It's nothing terribly serious. They do it every time a cash drawer is over or under, but it's a pain in the ass because you can't point your finger at the new person even though you want to.
We also have a new Technical Support Lead in the store who everyone said was a Tool. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because he looked sort of nervous and stiff when I met him. I engaged him in a meet and greet conversation and we kind of hit it off (after he called me sarcastic though). He told me he saved dogs and cats from the street and that despite being a jock he likes to read and write sometimes.
It was a very cute moment. I got a weird feeling in my belly, I imagine that's what the formation of a crush feels like: a million little molecules forming a ball in the pit of your stomach until you feel weighed down by affections.
For a moment, a moment I repeat, I thought he was going to be your cliche jock with a heart of gold character that I could hopelessly fawn over at work. That I could talk too about puppies and kittens and saving them from homelessness. Just me and him. He wouldn't admit this sort of non jocky things to the other people, it's too sensitive of a subject for him to share with just anyone. But moments later, he waves me over to his counter and asks me, because we've formed some sort of bond, if he can give hot customers his phone number while he is at work.
Seriously.
The ball in the pit of my stomach where I imagined us together wearing cargo pants while saving cute animals from the street burst and instead was replaced by undeniable rage at his betrayal. I hope my face didn't drop but I calmly told him that it would be unprofessional and could get him in trouble if the managers found out. "damn" he said "but she was really hot. I mean she didn't say it but I knew she wanted my number". So much for saving the animals together.
An hour later Evan came up to me and was like "New Guy.... is a Tool. Seriously. A Tooly McToolBag", so that will be his name on this blog for now on.
So needless to say I am happy for my vacation time. But I also am very nervous about leaving. I do have this weird fear of leaving things behind, only to return to something completely different. It was nice to assuage these fears with The Artist, who I spent 15 minutes saying goodbye to yesterday. He once said "with a name like yours i'd be a writer' and i've been attached to him, in a platonic way, ever since.
We rarely see each other at work, because he works in the music department, but when we do it's awesome. I admitted to him during my goodbyes that I love being home but fear letting go of what I have here for two weeks. Even though what I have here sucks and sometimes doesn't work out the way I want to. He agreed but said he'd be there when I returned, for a little while anyway, he promised.
I am both going to miss this place for a week and kiss the (hot) ground when I arrive in south carolina. I don't have anything terribly fun planned (the whole: no south carolina friends thing is really sort of a bummer) so I apologize now for posts about tv shows and books I have read.
Now back to cleaning, before a closing shift at the dreaded bookstore.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Heat Wave
It is very hot outside.
In the north, when it hot outside the temperature seems to rise as the day comes to a close. Seriously. How is that possible. Isn't it suppose to get cooler in the evenings.
This is very disturbing to me. In the south, I'm use to the heat tapering off at night, almost to the point where you forgot that it just tried to kill you. Here, the mornings are cool followed by a hot afternoon and an scorching evening. And by the time the heat does let up, you have passed out from heat pains.
Case in point: I just got out of work and I feel all kinds of worn out by the heat. It feels like a sauna outside, and I sort of dragged my feet all the way home to the sound of fire trucks and police cars.
It was a slow and long closing shift. I walked into work feeling a little antsy and sick. The high today was like 97, the humidity made it feel like 103 and it didn't helped that i am all out of sorts about this job thing (the not having one and the wanting one). At the store, the managers want to cross train me in cafe, but they do not have a good track record of relinquishing you once you've stepped foot up there. I have no desire to get trained in cafe. I applied for a bookseller position, i know books. That's it.
Being in the cafe, even with the managers promising that it's only to familiarize me with the cash register, scares the crap out of me. Not because I don't want to serve coffee and deal with the dumb touch screen register (that has a little to do with it) but because, is this it? My grand advancement at work? I know that training me in cafe means I will be trained in all aspects of the store. This would be impressive if being a bookseller was a career for me. But it's not and part of my reasons for remaining a part time employee is to remind myself of this.
And they are offering me this opportunity as some form of advancement. To say hey, this is one more skill you will have that only a few in this store possess. The cafe manager told me it was a 'step in the right direction'. But I feel bad for not wanting it. I feel bad for not giving a shit because I don't want to go in that direction.
Nothing has been set in stone, and I have voiced my aversion to this temporary placement, but I'm still scared and nervous and beyond ready to move on from this place, and quick. But how?
While I was dealing with this aspect of my life, Evan (happy drunk guy from party) stopped me in an aisle and apologized for anything he might have said or did at the party this weekend. It was literally the first thing he said when he saw me. I thought this was weird, because outside of hugging me a little too comfortably, he was a jovial drunk.
But he kept asking 'how I was doing' and then reiterating 'about the other night'. This made me feel really weird and awkward. He looked guilty and embarrassed, and I wanted to ruffle his hair and tell him it was going to be OK.
In all honesty, I don't really know what he was attempting to apologize for. I wanted to tell him that he didn't do anything. But i do wonder what it is he thinks he did, and if it's the 'back craddle' thing I want to giggle. But I felt his tension the whole night, and this made me want to cry.
The heat has a way of isolating you in a crowd of familiar faces. When faced with your own dehydration and general yuckiness, you can be in your own head too much to worry about the person next to you. And while Evan was treading lightly around me, I was thinking about work, the manager was complaining about the heat I could feel how disconnected we felt from that place and each other. It's not to say that we were dismissive of one another during this close, but we were all too wrapped up confronting our own thoughts and fears to care.
The first short story I ever wrote revolved around a heat wave that causes a black out in a brownstone. I can't help but think about this story as the local TV anchors predict blackouts because of the heat and subsequent AC use. The story was your very typical 'the occupants come out to examine each other and their surroundings because of the power outage' sort of plot and the completion of it nearly drove me crazy.
After a week of late nights and tired eyes, the story focused on this one couple inside the now powerless brownstone, having to confront one another in the time that the power is out. I kept coming back to this idea that heat is the embodiment of tension and in that sense what the heat wave brings about is a realization that their relationship is on the brink of falling apart because of their inability to communicate in the silence. Their confrontation at the end is made evident by my allusions to what heat embodies. This sort of suffocating all encompassing fear that you can't breathe, even when you can feel your chest rising and falling.
And I'm sort of understanding why I wrote that story, as I sweat to death in this house hot. As i feel my own tensions build within me. In the south when it's hot, the evenings are like an old friend you never knew you missed until you see them in passing. The silence doesn't drive you too crazy because the cool air seems to sweep away all of your worries.
But here, the evenings combined with the heat can drive you mad. It seems to bounce off of the buildings and the people and the internal dialogues of strangers and friends with a brutality you never knew existed. The silence doesn't work as well. And you are sort of excited when the morning comes to alleviate all the tension that heat stirs up.
I'm sleepy, I should be asleep now. I'm concerned about these late night post and rants, I don't know if they make sense but my mind is a bowl of jello tonight.
Blame it on the heat.
In the north, when it hot outside the temperature seems to rise as the day comes to a close. Seriously. How is that possible. Isn't it suppose to get cooler in the evenings.
This is very disturbing to me. In the south, I'm use to the heat tapering off at night, almost to the point where you forgot that it just tried to kill you. Here, the mornings are cool followed by a hot afternoon and an scorching evening. And by the time the heat does let up, you have passed out from heat pains.
Case in point: I just got out of work and I feel all kinds of worn out by the heat. It feels like a sauna outside, and I sort of dragged my feet all the way home to the sound of fire trucks and police cars.
It was a slow and long closing shift. I walked into work feeling a little antsy and sick. The high today was like 97, the humidity made it feel like 103 and it didn't helped that i am all out of sorts about this job thing (the not having one and the wanting one). At the store, the managers want to cross train me in cafe, but they do not have a good track record of relinquishing you once you've stepped foot up there. I have no desire to get trained in cafe. I applied for a bookseller position, i know books. That's it.
Being in the cafe, even with the managers promising that it's only to familiarize me with the cash register, scares the crap out of me. Not because I don't want to serve coffee and deal with the dumb touch screen register (that has a little to do with it) but because, is this it? My grand advancement at work? I know that training me in cafe means I will be trained in all aspects of the store. This would be impressive if being a bookseller was a career for me. But it's not and part of my reasons for remaining a part time employee is to remind myself of this.
And they are offering me this opportunity as some form of advancement. To say hey, this is one more skill you will have that only a few in this store possess. The cafe manager told me it was a 'step in the right direction'. But I feel bad for not wanting it. I feel bad for not giving a shit because I don't want to go in that direction.
Nothing has been set in stone, and I have voiced my aversion to this temporary placement, but I'm still scared and nervous and beyond ready to move on from this place, and quick. But how?
While I was dealing with this aspect of my life, Evan (happy drunk guy from party) stopped me in an aisle and apologized for anything he might have said or did at the party this weekend. It was literally the first thing he said when he saw me. I thought this was weird, because outside of hugging me a little too comfortably, he was a jovial drunk.
But he kept asking 'how I was doing' and then reiterating 'about the other night'. This made me feel really weird and awkward. He looked guilty and embarrassed, and I wanted to ruffle his hair and tell him it was going to be OK.
In all honesty, I don't really know what he was attempting to apologize for. I wanted to tell him that he didn't do anything. But i do wonder what it is he thinks he did, and if it's the 'back craddle' thing I want to giggle. But I felt his tension the whole night, and this made me want to cry.
The heat has a way of isolating you in a crowd of familiar faces. When faced with your own dehydration and general yuckiness, you can be in your own head too much to worry about the person next to you. And while Evan was treading lightly around me, I was thinking about work, the manager was complaining about the heat I could feel how disconnected we felt from that place and each other. It's not to say that we were dismissive of one another during this close, but we were all too wrapped up confronting our own thoughts and fears to care.
The first short story I ever wrote revolved around a heat wave that causes a black out in a brownstone. I can't help but think about this story as the local TV anchors predict blackouts because of the heat and subsequent AC use. The story was your very typical 'the occupants come out to examine each other and their surroundings because of the power outage' sort of plot and the completion of it nearly drove me crazy.
After a week of late nights and tired eyes, the story focused on this one couple inside the now powerless brownstone, having to confront one another in the time that the power is out. I kept coming back to this idea that heat is the embodiment of tension and in that sense what the heat wave brings about is a realization that their relationship is on the brink of falling apart because of their inability to communicate in the silence. Their confrontation at the end is made evident by my allusions to what heat embodies. This sort of suffocating all encompassing fear that you can't breathe, even when you can feel your chest rising and falling.
And I'm sort of understanding why I wrote that story, as I sweat to death in this house hot. As i feel my own tensions build within me. In the south when it's hot, the evenings are like an old friend you never knew you missed until you see them in passing. The silence doesn't drive you too crazy because the cool air seems to sweep away all of your worries.
But here, the evenings combined with the heat can drive you mad. It seems to bounce off of the buildings and the people and the internal dialogues of strangers and friends with a brutality you never knew existed. The silence doesn't work as well. And you are sort of excited when the morning comes to alleviate all the tension that heat stirs up.
I'm sleepy, I should be asleep now. I'm concerned about these late night post and rants, I don't know if they make sense but my mind is a bowl of jello tonight.
Blame it on the heat.
Monday, July 05, 2010
'Are You A Licensed Bartender?'
Friday and Saturday were by far the craziest two days of this new york thing.
Yes, I went to a pool party. Yes, I drank some really weird drinks. Yes, I stumbled home two hours later feeling tipsy and at the same time ready to run a marathon. It was a really weird night.
It all began a week ago when the store manager up and quit (or got fired). It was an all to sudden departure and everyone at the store was shocked. Of all the managers she is the last one you imagined leaving. She's this uber tough, tiny, new yorker who plays smart ass and sweet very well. In all honesty the dynamic of the store is attributed to her lax approach to managing us.
As soon as we new she was leaving, an office party (at work and outside of work) was devised. Two parties. One at work and one at a bar near work. On friday the break room was littere with ballons and food,and a bucn of old and current employees not working that night were in there to meet up for the after work party. The bar get together was intended mainly for those of us who'd worked with her for the past year or so, sans most of the new hires. Because our schedule is made a week in advance some of us were scheduled to work that afternoon (me and about three other of the 'older' employees) and I couldn't find anyone to swift shifts.
When I came into work, I walked into a sea of familiar faces crowding the info desk, waiting to head to the bar. They were all dressed up and ready to have fun. It was a happy love fest of old employees and current ones wishing her off a truly good manager. Immediately, I regretted not trying harder to find someone to swift schedules. The closing group that night were all the newbies, except Brit and 'Cool Manager' who were all hoping to meet up later at the bar with everyone else.
And though I consider myself quite a loner with social skills of a wallflower I wanted to be apart of the group. I wanted to go and have a good time with all of these people I have grown to like. I didn't want to be stuck at work with a bunch of new people. So after everyone headed to the bar Brit, 'Cool Manager' and I made plans to get the store as clean as possible so that the three of us could possibly make it to the bar before the fun ended.
Along with the grou hangout at the bar an old co-worker, Nick (and Josh's Bff), was throwing a house party. This party was planned weeks in advance and Josh invited me to come like he does to all his parties. Most of the people from the bar were going to meet up at Nicks, to drink the rest of the night away and I felt the urge to go to both.
I must reiterate that for some reason I really wanted to do something social. And for the first time in awhile I sort of told anxiety to shut up and let me enjoy the night. Closing with a majority of new people made me feel all kinds of disconnected and I just wanted to have drink with a friend and celebrate the last of our normalcy before the new manager comes, more people leave, and I depart for vacation and hopefully soon, a new job.
We got out of work around midnight but by then everyone at the bar were either at Nick's or home. 'Cool Manager' agreed to drive those of us who wanted to go to the party there. But he was only going to stay for a half hour and would drive anyone back to the train station if needed. I wish I could say that as a father of three, a husband to a decent lady and a manager of the store coming to a drunken party with coworkers was weird. But 'Cool Manager' literally stopped by to say hey, surveyed the party atmosphere and asked everyone he drove there if they wanted a ride home. He was oddly....appropriate the whole night.
Nick lives in a huge house. Scratch that. Nicks parents are rich and live in a huge house. There was a pool and a patio and a lounge/game room. Most of the party took place in the kitchen, where the table and counter was littered with alcohol. When I stepped in, Josh and Evan (both very drunk at this point) started yelling 'holy shit. holy shit. am I dreaming. beckett actually came to our party'.
Once I escaped there drunken hugs, I started chatting with some of my co-workers and opened a beer. I've never had a beer before. This one tasted like seltzer water, except for the fact that seltzer water doesn't make me dizzy.
As I was slowing sipping my beer, watching a bunch of familiar and unfamiliar faces stumble about, a guy wearing a ridiculous hat started engaging people to take jello shots. Because I was standing in the general vicinity he handed me and 'Cool Manager' one. 'Cool Manager' discarded his while I, not knowing what to do, kept mine. All of a sudden five people clinked their jello shots in the air and chugged them.
I on the other hand, being me, thought jello was for eating. So i painfully looked around for a spoon. Why would I want to chug jello? I freaking love jello, especially shiny red jello. It's to be consumed slowly not chugged, I don't care if there is alcohol in it. While everyone was hooting after the consumption of their jello shots, I decided to start eating mine sans spoon. Top Hat spots me and seems very upset by this. 'What are you doing' he starts. Need I remind you he is wearing a Top Hat, his eyes are barely open and he's so red in the face I want to giggle. 'eating my jello'. 'didn't we click glasses' 'yes' 'didn't we agree to down them together in the group' 'yes' 'then what are you doing still with yours' 'i wanted to eat it'.
He pauses, then looks around to the ONLY area of the room where there are no people. 'She's not following the rules' he yells in the direction where no one is standing, 'someone tell her to finish her jello shot'. Out of nowhere a dazed and confused/drunk Evan starts yelling at Top Hat 'leave her alone man. Don't touch her. She's cool. She's cool. Don't touch her man. She's cool. She's cool'. I turned and Evan is wearing a straw beach hat, and has found his way to us. I slink away from Top Hat, and put my jello shot down. 'Sorry about that' Evan says 'he's very serious about the jello shots'. My own drunken hero.
Soon after Matt, the writer who isn't much of a good writer, made a drink for me. By this point I am completely tipsy. I cannot stop laughing, my body feels weightless and the words are just tumbling from my mouth. Despite being tipsy, I am still very conscious of my thoughts so much that I am analyzing aspects of the night like the narrator for one of those nature documentaries.
I am describing everything as if they are aspects of a story I am writing. Except that I am saying it out loud from time to time. At one point I went to the fridge to grab ice and Matt comes up next to me. I make a point of asking him about all the weird drinks I see in the fridge. I want him to describe them to me so that I can describe them back. 'Whats this' 'It's alcohol in a syringe' 'alcohol in a syringe? why' 'because people drink it' 'from the syringe' 'yes.' I pause and then say ' there is, like, alcohol in it to be squeezed out of syringe? interesting'. He laughed and then offered to make me an apple martini.
When he showed up with the glass in his hand, I could hear my mothers voice say 'don't take drinks from anyone'. That whole evening The Artist (who was there with his wife) kept an eye on me. Though I only drank about three things, he carefully sniffed, examined, and eyed them first before allowing me to take a sip. He told me later that he just didn't want me to end up like this Natalie, a cafe server who passed out several drinks earlier on the floor. Remind me to thank him
After The Artist examined the martini, he said it was good enough to drink but it didn't stop me from questioning Matt about it's content. 'can i ask you a question before i drink this' 'yes' 'are you a licensed bartender' i remember saying. He stared at me blankly and said 'no, but i know good drinks' Who asks a person if they are a bartender. Oh, I forgot me.
The martini thing was good. But it tasted too much like juice and I didn't want to keep drinking it as if it were. 'Cool Manager' told the room that he was leaving, and the 'The Artist' and his wife soon followed. His wife was the DD, so he wanted to know if I needed a ride back home. I had enough sense to say 'yes' and around 2 am they dropped me off safely near my house.
It was a fun night. I mean I woke up feeling like crap but for the most part it was fun. The next couple of months are going to be weird. I can feel this huge shift invading my comfort zone, which is a good and sad thing. Good in the sense, that a new job and more money would be awesome, but sad because this weekend felt like a goodbye party in some many ways.
I'm headed home in week, for a 10 day vacation. I'm getting my passport, and this week I have to send out query letters for the four production schemes I am applying to. When I get back to New York I must crack done on getting a job, even if that means contacting those damn temp agencies. I have a lot to do, and a lot more to think about. But for once, being an average 24 year old whose only worries are the bartending credentials of friends was relaxing. And fun.
I've heard stories about the events from the bar; drunken managers, angry drunken employees, and someone got kicked out of the bar from throwing up every where. There is an episode of 30 rock where the cast and crew of the faux snl like show attend Kenneth's house party. The scene cuts from everyone in the elevator saying how lame Kenneth's party is going to be to the next morning where everyone is in Jacks office looking like death. Jack goes on to apologize for the events that transpired at the party, to a dead pan room of embarrassed and scarred cast members. It remains my favorite episode of the series and that is how I suppose the next few days will be. We will be a bunch of embarrassed employees trying to relive and forget some aspects of this weekend.
Good times, I say. Good Times
Yes, I went to a pool party. Yes, I drank some really weird drinks. Yes, I stumbled home two hours later feeling tipsy and at the same time ready to run a marathon. It was a really weird night.
It all began a week ago when the store manager up and quit (or got fired). It was an all to sudden departure and everyone at the store was shocked. Of all the managers she is the last one you imagined leaving. She's this uber tough, tiny, new yorker who plays smart ass and sweet very well. In all honesty the dynamic of the store is attributed to her lax approach to managing us.
As soon as we new she was leaving, an office party (at work and outside of work) was devised. Two parties. One at work and one at a bar near work. On friday the break room was littere with ballons and food,and a bucn of old and current employees not working that night were in there to meet up for the after work party. The bar get together was intended mainly for those of us who'd worked with her for the past year or so, sans most of the new hires. Because our schedule is made a week in advance some of us were scheduled to work that afternoon (me and about three other of the 'older' employees) and I couldn't find anyone to swift shifts.
When I came into work, I walked into a sea of familiar faces crowding the info desk, waiting to head to the bar. They were all dressed up and ready to have fun. It was a happy love fest of old employees and current ones wishing her off a truly good manager. Immediately, I regretted not trying harder to find someone to swift schedules. The closing group that night were all the newbies, except Brit and 'Cool Manager' who were all hoping to meet up later at the bar with everyone else.
And though I consider myself quite a loner with social skills of a wallflower I wanted to be apart of the group. I wanted to go and have a good time with all of these people I have grown to like. I didn't want to be stuck at work with a bunch of new people. So after everyone headed to the bar Brit, 'Cool Manager' and I made plans to get the store as clean as possible so that the three of us could possibly make it to the bar before the fun ended.
Along with the grou hangout at the bar an old co-worker, Nick (and Josh's Bff), was throwing a house party. This party was planned weeks in advance and Josh invited me to come like he does to all his parties. Most of the people from the bar were going to meet up at Nicks, to drink the rest of the night away and I felt the urge to go to both.
I must reiterate that for some reason I really wanted to do something social. And for the first time in awhile I sort of told anxiety to shut up and let me enjoy the night. Closing with a majority of new people made me feel all kinds of disconnected and I just wanted to have drink with a friend and celebrate the last of our normalcy before the new manager comes, more people leave, and I depart for vacation and hopefully soon, a new job.
We got out of work around midnight but by then everyone at the bar were either at Nick's or home. 'Cool Manager' agreed to drive those of us who wanted to go to the party there. But he was only going to stay for a half hour and would drive anyone back to the train station if needed. I wish I could say that as a father of three, a husband to a decent lady and a manager of the store coming to a drunken party with coworkers was weird. But 'Cool Manager' literally stopped by to say hey, surveyed the party atmosphere and asked everyone he drove there if they wanted a ride home. He was oddly....appropriate the whole night.
Nick lives in a huge house. Scratch that. Nicks parents are rich and live in a huge house. There was a pool and a patio and a lounge/game room. Most of the party took place in the kitchen, where the table and counter was littered with alcohol. When I stepped in, Josh and Evan (both very drunk at this point) started yelling 'holy shit. holy shit. am I dreaming. beckett actually came to our party'.
Once I escaped there drunken hugs, I started chatting with some of my co-workers and opened a beer. I've never had a beer before. This one tasted like seltzer water, except for the fact that seltzer water doesn't make me dizzy.
As I was slowing sipping my beer, watching a bunch of familiar and unfamiliar faces stumble about, a guy wearing a ridiculous hat started engaging people to take jello shots. Because I was standing in the general vicinity he handed me and 'Cool Manager' one. 'Cool Manager' discarded his while I, not knowing what to do, kept mine. All of a sudden five people clinked their jello shots in the air and chugged them.
I on the other hand, being me, thought jello was for eating. So i painfully looked around for a spoon. Why would I want to chug jello? I freaking love jello, especially shiny red jello. It's to be consumed slowly not chugged, I don't care if there is alcohol in it. While everyone was hooting after the consumption of their jello shots, I decided to start eating mine sans spoon. Top Hat spots me and seems very upset by this. 'What are you doing' he starts. Need I remind you he is wearing a Top Hat, his eyes are barely open and he's so red in the face I want to giggle. 'eating my jello'. 'didn't we click glasses' 'yes' 'didn't we agree to down them together in the group' 'yes' 'then what are you doing still with yours' 'i wanted to eat it'.
He pauses, then looks around to the ONLY area of the room where there are no people. 'She's not following the rules' he yells in the direction where no one is standing, 'someone tell her to finish her jello shot'. Out of nowhere a dazed and confused/drunk Evan starts yelling at Top Hat 'leave her alone man. Don't touch her. She's cool. She's cool. Don't touch her man. She's cool. She's cool'. I turned and Evan is wearing a straw beach hat, and has found his way to us. I slink away from Top Hat, and put my jello shot down. 'Sorry about that' Evan says 'he's very serious about the jello shots'. My own drunken hero.
Soon after Matt, the writer who isn't much of a good writer, made a drink for me. By this point I am completely tipsy. I cannot stop laughing, my body feels weightless and the words are just tumbling from my mouth. Despite being tipsy, I am still very conscious of my thoughts so much that I am analyzing aspects of the night like the narrator for one of those nature documentaries.
I am describing everything as if they are aspects of a story I am writing. Except that I am saying it out loud from time to time. At one point I went to the fridge to grab ice and Matt comes up next to me. I make a point of asking him about all the weird drinks I see in the fridge. I want him to describe them to me so that I can describe them back. 'Whats this' 'It's alcohol in a syringe' 'alcohol in a syringe? why' 'because people drink it' 'from the syringe' 'yes.' I pause and then say ' there is, like, alcohol in it to be squeezed out of syringe? interesting'. He laughed and then offered to make me an apple martini.
When he showed up with the glass in his hand, I could hear my mothers voice say 'don't take drinks from anyone'. That whole evening The Artist (who was there with his wife) kept an eye on me. Though I only drank about three things, he carefully sniffed, examined, and eyed them first before allowing me to take a sip. He told me later that he just didn't want me to end up like this Natalie, a cafe server who passed out several drinks earlier on the floor. Remind me to thank him
After The Artist examined the martini, he said it was good enough to drink but it didn't stop me from questioning Matt about it's content. 'can i ask you a question before i drink this' 'yes' 'are you a licensed bartender' i remember saying. He stared at me blankly and said 'no, but i know good drinks' Who asks a person if they are a bartender. Oh, I forgot me.
The martini thing was good. But it tasted too much like juice and I didn't want to keep drinking it as if it were. 'Cool Manager' told the room that he was leaving, and the 'The Artist' and his wife soon followed. His wife was the DD, so he wanted to know if I needed a ride back home. I had enough sense to say 'yes' and around 2 am they dropped me off safely near my house.
It was a fun night. I mean I woke up feeling like crap but for the most part it was fun. The next couple of months are going to be weird. I can feel this huge shift invading my comfort zone, which is a good and sad thing. Good in the sense, that a new job and more money would be awesome, but sad because this weekend felt like a goodbye party in some many ways.
I'm headed home in week, for a 10 day vacation. I'm getting my passport, and this week I have to send out query letters for the four production schemes I am applying to. When I get back to New York I must crack done on getting a job, even if that means contacting those damn temp agencies. I have a lot to do, and a lot more to think about. But for once, being an average 24 year old whose only worries are the bartending credentials of friends was relaxing. And fun.
I've heard stories about the events from the bar; drunken managers, angry drunken employees, and someone got kicked out of the bar from throwing up every where. There is an episode of 30 rock where the cast and crew of the faux snl like show attend Kenneth's house party. The scene cuts from everyone in the elevator saying how lame Kenneth's party is going to be to the next morning where everyone is in Jacks office looking like death. Jack goes on to apologize for the events that transpired at the party, to a dead pan room of embarrassed and scarred cast members. It remains my favorite episode of the series and that is how I suppose the next few days will be. We will be a bunch of embarrassed employees trying to relive and forget some aspects of this weekend.
Good times, I say. Good Times
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