Not about Love

"Dear Beckett,
I'm very sorry for what I did. I want to be friends with you a lot!! I miss talking to you in line at lunch, and in home room. Please don't hold a grudge against me. Friends don't do that =) ! Just ignore John. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,very, very, very, very, very, very, very SORRY !!!
PLEASE FORGIVE ME !!!
*Huge smiley face*
* Enclosed is your late birthday present(which was a ring from Claires). SORRY!!!
Sincerely Aric"

This was the note I received in the 8th grade from my friend at the time Aric. I was mad at him because he had forgot my birthday and then made a stupid joke about forgetting it later on that day when I had reminded him.

This is mainly how most of my relationships with men are. Me expecting them to remember the small things, and then getting mad at them for forgetting them ... and then I ignore them.

Case in point:

When I was younger, my best friend was a boy named Chino(forgive his parents now, will make it easier to like him. he has to live with the name).

I don't know how we meet. But what I do know is that he was my first boy "that I pushed around" friend. From what I remember( and from what I have been told repeatedly by immediate family members and people who lived in the neighborhood) we were joined at the hip. He was the Thomas Jay to my Veda (in retrospect if you watch MY GIRL, it is seriously like watching a page out of my childhood. I was such a Veda).

I totally pushed him around, we made up this outrageous story that we were really adopted and had escape from these bad men who had kidnapped us, and Chino miraculously saved my life, by karate kicking the hell out of one of those kidnappers. He was an endearing friend. His infatuation for me was sometimes overwhelming, but he let me be crazy and imaginative. I was probably mad at him every other day.

Early in the morning he would come to my house( we lived across the street from one another), knock on the door, and then wait on the steps until I came out. I was so mean to him, my mom said I would open the door, tell him I didn't want to play anymore and storm back into the house. My mom would then come upstairs and tell me to go out there and stop torturing the poor kid. I usually came out to see his crying face, which brightened up once I said I was sorry and that I would play with him.

It's funny cause when are a kid, you always talk about what you plan to do in context to when you get older. Older to us was 13, and we planned to go to England. He always only concerned himself with what I wanted to do. We spent the better part of our days at the park daydreaming. I daydreamed of exotic adventures, he daydreamed about the future Mrs. Chino, which was not going to happen. We were best friends though. From the time we woke up, to the time the street lights came on, we spent endless hours wondering how our past lives had been, and how we had found each other in this one( I was a pretty bright kid,questioning everything, and also prank calling, but that was another time my friends).

I thought about him the other day. He moved away when I was 7, but ever so often especially when going back to old neighborhood, I can't help but sit in the same spot I did as a child, and think of what had become of him. If he was still a love sick boy I remember.

Relationships in general always get me thinking, because I am not always so sure of what I want from them. In my family, I grew up without a father, I mean he was a distant role rather than a prevalent one. So I grew up, always kind of on guard that at any moment people could leave, but that if you don't get too attached than it won't matter as much when the do.

I was/am a girl who has to warm up to people. I am like those shelter cats who have been through a rough time out on the streets. Once you try to pet them they sprint in the other direction, but thats only considering if you can spot them for long periods of time. Usually they are just a glimpse out of the corner of your eye, that sometimes is mistaken for a shadow. Those in my opinion are the most amazing cats, they are beautiful, hurt, guarded, but strong. They are the ones that survive, though they are ones that are always alone.

In trying to figure out what I want from relationships I think back a lot on who I am as a person, and my reasons for getting mad at the various boys who have come my way. In thinking back it is also the same reason...In me being fully devoted as a friend, sister, daughter, and hopefully one of these days someone's girlfriend, I expect the same thing back. As a shelter cat when you warm up to someone, let them touch your head, sit down next to them, and offer your paw as friendship, you take pride in being totally devoted as that friend. For me, I remember the small details. If you are sad, I'll do something embarrassing to make you laugh, or I'll just sit with you, we don't even have to say anything, we can sit and when you are ready to talk, you know that I right there beside you ready for you to do so.

In doing that I am extremely needy of those I cherish. I want them to remember the small things, that I don't like cheese on my Hamburgers, that my favorite color is green, and I like driving for hours, destination doesn't matter. Maybe that's what I want from a boy.

In thinking about the whole Art Boy situation, I realized that I don't know much about him. I mean sure he's extremely hot(extremely), sure he is a hockey player(which makes him a little more hot), and sure he writes and has a movie club, and curly hair, and nice eyes, tall, dreamy sort of ...Okay I'm rambling. And though it sucks majorly that he may be going out with my extremely attractive neighbor, who is wild and crazy, and tall and really awkwardly skinny, I don't know him. And he doesn't know me. He's doesn't know all the small things. And that's what I want from a relationship.

Someone who generally takes an interest in me. Sure he doesn't have to be a leech who doesn't give me a moment to breathe, but damnit he takes interest in the things that matter to me. To make me feel special, and that I matter, and that I exist in his world. It's not only what I want, it's what I need from that kind of relationship. To feel important, to feel loved, to feel like even when I feel displaced from the world, I can turn to him and feel whole again. Feel like I can conquer the world, with my supporter and best friend by my side.

Sure there will be rough days. I can be extremely moody, contemplative, indecisive, and independent. But I'm thoughtful, and I'm funny, and sure I am exhausting at times(cause I'm curious about everything, and will ask questions till I get an answer), but I'm a good card player, and don't mind running in the rain, traveling to far off places, and am full of surprises.

So Art Boy may have an Art Girl(who really is a criminal law major, but writes poetry. BLAH),but Art Boy doesn't know me. He doesn't know the small things. Sure we have the same interest in bands and music. Sure we see each other all the time and do the whole "avert eyes" thing, but there has to be more. He has to know when my birthday is(march 1st, coming soon!), and that I only eat cheese pizza(and will be willing to eat the pepperoni when the guy at the pizza place messes up the order. How many times that has happened to me is just beyond talking about.), that I will stop the car when seeing a stray dog to pet it( I almost got my hand bitten this weekend because of that. Benji,I named him pre bark, was not friendly), and that even though I'm a rock chick, take me to the orchestra and I will be hooked for life.

that's the life of a stray cat(just like George from Dead Like Me). Sure I'm hard to get to know, at first I'll run and hide but there's more to me than just glimpse you catch from the corner of your eye. Walking down the street today I felt empowered(and fate must hate me, because of course who comes strolling down the street, but Art boy himself, who I did not smile at), like somewhere out there, there will be a dude who takes full interest in me. That is brave enough to say "hi", to let me know that he likes me, that doesn't leave the stray waiting to be invited in. Until then, I will do as most of us do, survive. Sure life is about relationships, and what we garner from them, but until then, until I'm ready for all that comes with being in a relationship, or crushing on a boy who has gotten himself into one , I will continue on surviving.

Which makes the stray beautiful. Because the stray doesn't give up fully on life's shitty moments and disappointments. She just continues on, knowing one day she'll find her way, or at least it will find her.

I had to put up another pic of Gavin. Because well, he makes me smile(thanks K once again for posting the pic of him on your blog). I won't post any more pics of him I promise(maybe)