I don't know how to begin this entry....

disturbing news.

How fucked up family life is right now. And i am angry and sad . I want to run, i want to hide, i want to not exist. I want to shout to God, or make whatever is eating at me go away. I want to stop hyperventilating. I want to hit something. I want to cry on someone's shoulder. But mainly i want to not exist. i want to fade away. I want to hide under a big rock, to escape this drowning feeling that is enveloping me. But i want to shout to God or whoever it is that dicatates fate.

That took my grandmotther away, that made my dad stop calling, that in an instant can give you such hope and then rip it away. And i'm angry. Because i feel like the God my mom prays to continually shits on her and us. And makes it extrodinarily impossible to believe that anything will ever get better. That a dark cloud is our calling name. No matter how hard you try.

My brother fucking got us evicted from the townhouse we've been living in.

One of his "friend of a friend" brought a gun to our house and was playing it with, which led it to going off in like three other people's places. No one got hurt. The "friend" jetted from our place. And now we have to LEAVE. NO FUCKING LIE

I don't get it. I don't feel like i'm a bad person, and i know shit happens. I know it. But i'm sick of shit happening to us. I'm so sick of crying. And i can feel nothing right now but an all consuming anger or sadness or despair. And i didn't even want to write an bad entry. I wrote a nice about about memories and how clear i was feeling and plans.

I know i feel shattered and sad. Mainly sad. I want to run and go anywhere but here.. A girl whose main purpose is trying to find her way home and i literally don't have one now. I keep thinking it's a joke. I keep runing through my mind that this is all just a joke. A horrible horrible joke. But i know that it isn't and that 30 days from last friday we have to find a new place to live.

And though she(my mom) has reassured me that she has already found a place to stay, the emptiness is still there. I feel lost. I want to talk to my dad. I want to talk to someone and then i realized that i don't have anyone.

That i'm crumblng and the cloud is very dark. I am not atlas. I can not hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. And i have succumb to it.

Is it so bad to want things to be right. to not always be poor little me.

My room isn't my room anymore. My home isn't my home anymore. I am floating aimlessly. And the bottom is looking pretty spikey. I was home last week. I was in my bed. I was cuddled in the sheets. I was sleeping like a baby. I was just getting use to even calling it a home,and now it isn't.

I'm sorry guys. I didn't intend for this to be a bad post i promise. Forgive the grammatical errors, and forgive.... everything. I don't know.

If you want you to find me i'll be curled up under my bed. My head is spinnning.

Postscript: i posted the other blog i had intended to be the only post today.