So I am still not in the best of spirits these days. I wish this weren't the case but my natural sensitivity has made the last three weeks tough to deal with.
The Elephant in the room remains one of my biggest stressors these days. He called last Wednesday to finally thank me for his birthday present. I was at work, so I missed his call and listened to the thank you voicemail during my break.
He said he'd lost his phone over the weekend, that's why he didn't call. He said that he loved my gift. The note especially. That if i wanted to call him back, I could, cause he'd be there to answer. I didn't call but i sent him a text saying I'm glad he liked his gift.
On Friday I walked in to work and he wanted a hug as if things were back to normal. I gave him one, asked him how his birthday was and then told him I couldn't talk for long because I had to clock in. I felt okay briefly cause I thought 'maybe i can just put all this behind me like he has. Maybe i can just be the better person and forgive and forget".
But as the night progressed I realized I couldn't. I'd see him hamming it up with a co-worker or having fun or making plans with the boy i hate and I'd be filled with anger. I've been wearing the stress of the last three weeks on my face. I've lost my appetite. I'm not sleeping well. There has been crying and sad music and all I've seen from this motherfucker in three weeks is smiles.
It irritates the shit out of me.
By the time my break rolled around I walked into the break room and he is face to face with the girl who works in music. They were talking about nonsense but there closeness and near touchiness makes me irritable, jealous and paranoid. All i can think as he is standing there face to face with this girl is 'i wonder if he thinks that is attractive. Her tallness. Her big boobs. Her curves. I wonder when he stares at her if he is attracted to that" and because of this I ignore them both when they ask me if I'm okay.
Because I'm not okay. I wasn't okay. I felt sick and nauseous and on the verge of passing out from everything. I walked out of the break room to take a breather and when I came back in I sat down and laid my head down because my head felt turned inside out.
A minute or two later Sean comes back int to there break room and bangs on the table, to announce his presence. I lift my head and smile at him weakly and then put my head back on the table. Out of all the empty seats at the table he sits down next to me and for a solid 15 minutes he awkwardly eats his food while i try to hold back tears.
I don't remember much of what happened next. I asked him about the Navy. He said he didn't really know what he was doing but it was something. Then he asked me if I was happy just working at the store? If i was comfortable? Because that's why he's leaving. He doesn't want to be comfortable anymore.
I mumbled something but started feeling terrible. Like physically. My head was spinning, my belly was cramping, i couldn't concentrate on forming sentences. I shut down. Sean called a manager and told him I was having another of my 'dehydration spells' then i was interrogated on if I'd eaten enough or drank enough during the day.
By the time the manager came I asked if I could leave early and he said of course. As i was gathering my things said manager asked if I was stressed out about stuff and I said 'if only i could tell you' and he said that stress can trigger a lot of things. I should try taking it easier for a couple of days. Take care of myself as best as i could.
I walked home and sobbed. I got home and sobbed. I slept for 14 hours and listened to Fiona Apple. Sobbed some more. I then spent most of my shift Saturday sulking and being generally miserable. Everyone asked what was wrong but to respect Sean's privacy (and my own) I said I was just going through things. And this is bothersome as well because i want to tell everyone the truth, not because I'm vindictive and a bitch but because i felt so invalidated by him. Not rejected but invalidated. And I can't tell a soul why. I can't.
If I could though I'd scream to anyone who would listen that Sean has been stringing me along for quite some time. He has been selfish and unfair to my feelings. He is delusion to his own. And that despite what he says about his girlfriend he's spent the last four months 'hanging' out with me. He calls me on the phone. He asks me to go out with him. He wanted to spend the night at my house. He wanted to move in together. When his parents weren't home for a week he was the one who asked me to spend the night. Oh, and naked naked touchy bath time happened. He wanted the bath and the shower and the spooning. Oh and I accidentally touched his balls (my foot roamed in the bath). Oh and he asked me how big his penis was. And said penis whacked me in the face when he was getting out of the tub. And oh, he wanted to look down my swim shorts. Oh and he had a boner. Oh and he jokingly suggested he'd go down on me, oh and this motherfucker asked me to sleep on him while he was wearing just boxer briefs and I was wearing only a t-shirt.
But nope not attracted to me. Nope not interested in dating me. Nope I'm the one who has taken everything out of proportion. I'm the crazy sad moopey girl who just needs to get over whatever is going on in my head. I'm the one who should suck it up and not feel just a little bit degraded that my first intimate relationship was with a boy who said he isn't interested. Not because he isn't but because the boy is an asshole. A boy who just regarded my body as parts he was interested in looking at. Nothing more.
Yep, but i'm the douche in this situation. I'm being too sensitive. I'm in the wrong for still being upset. I'm the one who is overreacting. I'm the one who should just let it go.