Monday, December 16, 2013

Reasons I've been Away


 
This motherfucker has been taking up most of my free time.
 
He officially signed up for the Navy and we have less than 3 weeks before he is off to Basic Training.
 
Things between us continue to be up in the air. He is not my friend. He is not my boyfriend but he takes up the space in between and I am trying with all of my might to squeeze in as much time with him before he leaves.
 
I am anxious about him leaving. Despite the heartache he has put me through the last several months it will be weird not having him around come January. It's hard to explain, or maybe it isn't. I love him. Sometimes more platonically than romantically. Sometimes more romantically than platonically. I know that being around him hurts as much as not being around him. I have stupid ideas of him in my head where he finally comes to his senses and commits himself to me fully. Where I am enough and we can be together as I'd like us to be.
 
But there is another part of me that is relieved that once he is away I will have a much easier (or harder depending on the day) time getting over him. He has consumed my life this past year and I have put everything on hold for him. Our relationship is not healthy at all. I tend to feel insignificant around him and most of our arguments have been about this. I hate having to fight for  his attention. I hate being so dependent on him to make me feel special. But he has gotten inside my head enough where his perception of me matters enough that I have put everything on hold. So there is a part of me that needs him to go away so that I can click the "go' button and move on.
 
The last few weeks he has been nervous about joining the Navy. He won't tell anyone but I can see it in his face. He looks terrified and unsure. He is short tempered and trying to squeeze in as much as he can before Boot Camp. He is trying to convince himself that if the next few weeks can be filled with fun than the actuality of his situation will not matter. But it doesn't. He is going to the Navy. He is going to be deployed. He will be away from home for days that will turn into months that will become years. And people will move on without him. He will move on without us.
 
I am struggling to hang on to what time I have left. Last night, where this awful grainy but perfect picture was taken, we went to a bar with friends and watched wrestling. He was tired and grumpy and a little sad but I tried to lighten the mood a little. He ended up having a good time but in the back of my mind I knew this would be the last of our wrestling outings. And for every happy moment we have it is masked under sadness.
 
He put in his two weeks this weekend and he flies out January 6th for Illinois. I will resume blogging soon after but for now I just want to spend the next few weeks with this stupid ashat of a boy. I am composing a journal for him as a Christmas gift, detailing the last few weeks together. It's stupid and sentimental but most of my writing time has been devoted to that.
 
If I am not on before Christmas I want to wish you all a happy holiday season. And thank you, for sticking with me and the craziness that is my life.
 
~Beckett 

4 comments:

Perpetua said...

There's a lot, a lot, a lot unsaid (how are you feeling? how is work? and the girlfriend? where's the awful girlfriend?)...so you owe us some stories, girl. :) But in the meantime, be well and enjoy the holidays.

Beckett Amelia Hughes said...

lol, there is definitely a lot that i am leaving out. I have recorded most of them in post that i have yet to publish so no worries there are plenty of stories that i will update ya'll on.

And i am okay. As well as i can be. I want to leave the bookstore immediately and am looking for a full time position at the school i work for.

in regards to Sean, his gf is still around, and i am still being strung along. It's painful but i am not going to compete with a 'ghost'. I'm just not. So when he brings her up in any regards, i shut off completely.

And i was hoping to do another mixcd exchange soon!!! if you and kittens not kids are game of course :)

A. Opstein said...

Merry Christmas!

vnmz01 said...

merry Christmas happy new year stay strong and try to be positive