...and the frustrations continue

Dearest Sean,               

I apologize in advance if this letter is uber short and curt but i wasn’t planning on writing again due to your graduation being [    ] days away.  I am little pressed for time but hopefully you’ll get this letter before [   ] and can sort out some things accordingly. On Saturday your dad called to tell me he’d just gotten a letter from you and was surprised though happy that i am going to your graduation. He was very nice and seemed excited about the three of us getting to see you ‘cross the stage’ but was concerned that I wouldn't be able to actually see you graduate if i am not on the list of people who can attend. SO per his request he wanted me to make sure that have changed the names to reflect that your mom, dad and I will be in attendance because on your  initial form letter I, of course, am not listed. This is VERY  important and though i am pretty sure you are aware of this it would be a huge bust and disappointment if i got there and wasn't even allowed to step on the base yet alone see you graduate.
               Coincidentally your parents and I booked rooms at the same hotel and your mom and dad offered me a ride with them to Chicago instead of having to spend a lot of money on a plane. Unfortunately my ticket is non-refundable so i’m still flying up on [   ] but your dad did offer to pick me up from the airport, if the weather isn’t crappy. He said he wants to take you out for a steak dinner because it’s tradition or something so plan on eating a hearty meal after you are settled in your new living quarters. I was able to re-book my hotel under your dad’s name so i could use his AA discount so im only paying $150 for a 2 night stay instead of $180. I must admit I’m actually pretty glad your parents are going to Chicago as well because i was a little nervous about traveling by myself.

 I do feel sort of bad and weird however that your gf and her mom can’t attend. Especially because they were the two people listed on the initial form letter as your official graduation guests. Your dad said your gf was busy with school or exams or tutoring so she wouldn’t be able to make it. Which of course makes sense but it still feels a little weird being the ‘filler’ on a day that’s so important for you. Don’t get me wrong i’m excited to be invited, even if secondarily, but it is a little disheartening planning this trip knowing i wasn’t the intended invitee. I feel like the replacement prom date who wasn’t the first choice but who’ll do because it’s last minute. I wish i would have been privy to the graduation information a little earlier to save myself this last minute rush.  Cause i def would have agreed to go months in advance (and made arrangements‘) if i knew going was option. Right now the planning and packing has been a little stressful and everyone has not been as supportive of me going as i imagined.

As of now my mom, Kat and your parents are the only ones on board with me going, the very select  few I’ve told have had choice words with me and have made me feel like a fucking fool for attending. I wasn’t prepared to have to defend my decision to see you to our friends but it seems to be the case.  I hope that my attendance is because you sincerely want me there, it’s sort of the only good thing i’m riding on. Regardless of anyone’s opinion and concerns, I’m still going to go and am very excited to see you but PLEASE don’t forget to add my name to the list or i’m literally forking over [$$$$$] to see you for a minute or two. Sorry for having to send this letter to reiterate this (I mailed you a letter on Saturday before i spoke with  your dad and the post office was closed Sunday and today due to the holiday) but your parents seemed pretty concerned that i wouldn’t be allowed on the base if the names you listed on the Form Letter didn’t reflect your current invite list. 

Anyway, i am going to keep this letter short. You may have already seen that there are two letters in the package. [     ] felt bad for not writing you  so i offered to send her letter in the same package so she wouldn’t have to pay for postage. It just seemed easier to send ours together because i’ve noticed a delay in when you receive your mail and i knew if she sent it via regular mail you would never get it.  Have no fear, I didn’t read what she wrote as i want to respect her privacy and yours. If you do write her back though try not to mention our correspondence. The first thing your dad said to me was “you wrote Sean [  ] pages!” and it was sort of hard to explain that I’d written you multiple letters that accumulated to a lot of pages. I haven’t told [   ] that I’ve been writing you and I know she would give me more grief if she knew I was. She’d kill me if she knew how many pages i’ve written since you’ve been gone. So yea, try not to tell her anything.

As for getting people to send your more letters…I understand wanting to post your address on facebook but i don’t feel comfortable giving everyone access to your mailing address on a social networking site because of the provisions you have: like NO PORN. When it comes to [   ] or [   ] or [   ]or [   ] i don’t mind giving them your address because it’s one person but posting it on facebook seems like a bad idea because anyone who looks you up will have it. And it’s not my place to moderate what people can send you. I figure you could give me a list of the friends you’d like to me to give your address to (and i could email them privately) OR when you are able to have access to the computer or phone you will be able to give that information to whomever you want so my letters aren’t the only things filling up your box. I know it must be annoying to get mail from me and i apologize. I’m sure you want to hear from other people as well. So if you definitely want snail mail from your friends just let me know which option works best. For your privacy though it just seemed a little unsafe to post your business on the interwebs for any and everyone to see.

 I’m sorry if the tone of the letter is a little less “Beckett-esque It’s hard not being able to have direct communication with you sometimes and today especially it feels like i am relaying information from a million different people in this letter. In this case i wish i could just call you up and say ‘hey don’t forget this, yadda yadda yadda….’ Because it’d be a lot easier. I know this letter may come off as a little angry or frustrated in tone and i am sincerely sorry about that. I was sort of surprise though elated to get another letter from you this weekend because there is a HUGE  part of me, the only important part, that has been so happy these last 8 weeks being able to write you stupid silly letters and send words of encouragement so that you don’t feel alone while  you are away. I know how it is to be surrounded by things that aren’t familiar. I know how it feels to be alone in a strange though exciting place. And I wanted to make sure that if you didn’t have anyone else you at least had me to provide you with a  connection to home. It has given me a sense of purpose and like the journals has made me feel closer to you.

But then there is this other small part that worries that I am just filling  in again for a role that isn’t mine to step in on. And i wonder if i am setting myself up to be swept under a rug where my efforts aren’t fully appreciated. I want you to be happy but there is still apart of me that is like ‘what more can i do’ before i throw my hands up and just back off.  It’s akin to being in a group project and you are the only one who has done all the work and it’s frustrating and hard but you want to get a good grade so you take on everyone’s role despite how frustrating it is. And when you get that “A” it doesn’t feel great because you know you were the only one who put a 100% in it but you’ll never get the recognition for it. And  tonight that reality is a ache i can’t shake. After your last letter, i sort of feel like that girl in the group project and it’s bums me out a little. So i do apologize. I don’t want you to think im not grateful or excited about seeing you. Because I am. I’m hella excited.  I just wish…idk, never-mind, it doesn’t matter.

Anyway, i just want you to do well and I want you to be happy and i hope you are able to get that from the people you want to be apart of your life. Even if it isn’t necessarily me.  I hope you enjoy [   ] letter. I’ll try to get some more ‘fan mail’ so your division mates can  think and see that you’re the shit. Don’t worry about calling me if you can’t. I wasn’t even expecting you to actually write me back so i definitely don’t expect a phone call.  I’m sure there are other people you’d prefer to talk to so i definitely won’t take offense if i don’t hear anything from you until the day of your graduation. Good luck with your final tests and exams. I know [    ] is coming up pretty soon so you betta get those boys into shape because it’s all teamwork. Find your weakest link and encourage him to do better. Inspire him. You are good at this.  I know you’ll do fine, you always surprise me.  See you soon Sailor.  I look forward to graduation and a steak dinner.


Yours,


Beckett