Futile Devices

I finally told Matt I am not interested in hanging out anymore and as expected he is not taking it well.

For the 4th week in a row he has hounded me about hanging out on the weekends to the point where I finally had to shut down the possibility of us ever doing so in that capacity again. It's so funny that he wants to resume our Sunday hangouts but keeps insinuating that it's just to help me out because I hate Sundays.


I do not dread Sundays. Like any normal person I tend to get the Sunday Blues right before bed because I don't wish to start another work week. But I love my Sundays. We are homies.

Of course this is just another example of Matt not being truthful about his intentions. And i mean this wholeheartedly. I am a person who is ruled by feelings so I understand how objective feelings are. But intentions are more clear cut and Matt has yet to decide what he wants from me.

Instead of saying that he wants to start hanging out again because he misses me or my home or even that he is bored and lonely on Sundays....he has tried to gaslight me into thinking I am the one begging to hang out. As if he is doing me some huge favor by coming over for 12 hours watching my tv and playing my PS4 while i count down the hours until he leaves.

His texts range from "let me know when you want to hang on Sunday so I can help you with your story" to "If we don't hang out soon i'm going to be too busy with my other summer plans" to my favorite "i'm just trying to do you a solid since you don't have as many friends as i do".

 Last Thursday, after i cancelled on him again, he wanted to know if I was available to hang out after work because there were cops in his apartment complex and he thought it would be fun for us to watch from across the street "You could stand by and watch as I interact with the cops. You could be my sidekick. "

LE FUCKING SIGH.

This boy is relentless, bothersome and a tab bit daft. When I told him I was going to spend the Fourth of July with [redacted] and his family he joked that it was probably a Get Out sort of situation and that I was only invited so they could "steal my sweet black genes".  It was this comment alone that cancelled any tentative plans with Matt the following weekend.

The only reason I want to remain on good terms with Matt  is because I know now that there is a mature way to remove yourself from a toxic relationship. In the past I have completely shut down and fled in fear instead of communicating and this has only resulted in bad blood. Because Matt and I have mutual friends in common I don't want to isolate myself from them just because of him. I don't believe Matt is a bad guy, he is just another person who was hurt once or twice and hasn't learned yet that you can grow from those experiences. Instead he is a jaded man child who can often be condescending and demeaning because of his feelings of inadequacy.

I will no longer internalize Matt's attempts to devalue me in order for him to value himself.  I literally heard this gem of advice from Instagram of all places and it just stuck with me. Matt knew he did not deserve my kindness or affection or even love so he went out of his way to dehumanize and devalue me once he recognized he had so little to offer.

I have spent the last few months hanging out with friends, enjoying my personal time and finding comfort in the life I have created for myself. I feel spoiled by all the incredible small moments that have taken place in such a sort time and none of it has been a result of having Matt in my life. So why should I continue to let him hijack a smidgen of my happiness because he won't be honest with his intention. His texts leave me feeling anxious and cranky and the idea of having him in my apartment again fills me with dread.

On Monday he asked again to hang out, this time attributing it to his "super busy schedule". He implied that if I didn't solidify hanging out the next few Sundays, he would be too busy with  awesome summer activities to squeeze me in. I must reiterate that I have not expressed a desire to hang out with Matt since February either in person or via text. I have never gone out of my way to ask him to Netflix and Chill since the disaster that was Valentines Day and after he forgot my birthday. And even prior to those disasters, hanging out on Sunday was an idea HE came up with and that I only agreed to because i thought he liked me.

I was okay before Matt came along and I will be okay long after him. I am beyond annoyed (and a little insulted) that he keeps insinuating that he is doing me some big favor by hanging out. Especially since he is the one that is so eager to come back around. So...I finally told him the truth. Or at least my very nice version of it. I said that I was okay not hanging out anymore. That I am equally busy with summer and [redacted] and that I wanted to devote as much time as I could to my happiness. I wished him a happy summer and that I was appreciated the few times we hung out but am no longer in  position to hang out like we used to.

I could have been nastier. I could have told him that the way he talked down to me was the main reason we will no longer hang out. But i'm really in a great place these days (despite my lapse in anxiety and dread every once in a while..i'm human ya'll) and it's not worth it. Matt's not worth it. Of course he sent me a snarky reply shortly after, followed by your classic guilt trip and then threats to not talk to me anymore. It is what is.

I feel so much lighter and happier now that it's over. I am learning so much about what I want from a partner and also what I have to offer as one that anything less than that seems like a waste of time which is so precious to me. Putting myself first for ONCE is such an eye-opening, humbling and euphoric feeling. I wish i had done it sooner.