Happy belated New Years!
The last two weeks have been kind of rough here. New Years Eve and Day were exhausting and disappointing. I spent New Years Eve at home watching Nickelodeon after Kat couldn't decided whether she wanted to actually do something or not. She complained the whole week prior to New Years that she wanted to get out of plans with her brother and boyfriend to watch the ball drop at home but that she couldn't.
Come New Years Eve we are standing around at work and she complains that no one asked her to do anything exciting, even though I had made numerous attempts to make plans with her. I think she was waiting for me to say that we should hang out after work (go see a movie! ice skate! eat dessert at a bar again!)but I had it in my mind that I would stay home, eat a bunch of food and watch netflix all day (because a semi-day off for me functions these days as a full day off) and could not be tempted to change them.
I should have. Around Marie's birthday, day of death and even Christmas, i was sadder than usual, but not a complete wreck. I wouldn't allow myself to go to that place i always go where i wonder how things could have turned out differently. I miss her, grief makes sure of this, but some days it is not in the literal sense. I often forget that she is dead. I often pretend as if she has just gone away. That we have grown apart. That, as i always predicted, we would one day just not be friends because of time and distance.
The problem with this is that when I do fully grasp the extent of her death, in the middle of the night mainly, I am smacked in the face with the fact that she is not here. That she has died. That I will never ever be able to talk to her again or see her face or hear the sound of her laughter. She is dead. And I am here. And I am not sure how that happened.
The start of the new year triggered this sudden inexplicable, ache in belly realization. I was home alone, eating another slice of pizza, fucking around on facebook when 'it' came out of nowhere. This 'this is my life without Marie' feeling and I cried harder than I have in a very long time. Because while i miss her, I selfishly miss the person I was before this all happened. I miss the girl that i will never be without her. I wonder what she'd look like today.
I wonder if grief is this journey where I am suppose to learn something about her life and death and myself to help cope. Marie and I talked about loneliness a lot. We talked about not being able to connect. We talked about wanting to belong but not wanting to be normal. I can't help but wonder if her desperation had to do with the fact that these were things she felt she would never obtain.
Because those are things that i worry about all the time . I have friends.I have something with Sean (not healthy or good but something). I have a job that i love (the campus job). I have my mom and my brother. I have wants and desires. But everything still feels intangible. Or not enough. The other day Kat told me she felt alone. More alone then she has ever felt. And I was miffed that someone with a boyfriend and family nearby and a history with people could complain about feeling alone. Especially when I, often, have no one to depend on.
Case in point...i got the Flu from Sean two weeks ago (one of the reasons for my absence). The day after New Years Eve i went into work only because i knew he was going to be there. Forgive me for liking this boy, but i do. Our relationship continues to coil itself into a knot that we can't untangle. When he is not giving me mixed signals and breaking up with his girlfriend (only to get back with her an hour later) we are....us. We flirt, and make plans, and hint at things. We find reasons to be around each other. He calls, regulary to check in. He drops by my house after work if he can to say hi. He is more than a friend but not my boyfriend. But the lack of emotional, physical or mental available is killing me.
I expcet more from him. I want him to by mine. I want us to be able to go on an actual date. I want to be his girlfriend. But most importantly, or heartbreakingly, I want him to want me as much I adore him. Cause I adore him. And he knows this and yet is still madly deeply infuatated with his no job having, 'agoraphobic', writer girlfriend. She broke up with him on Christmas. Made up with him the next day. And then broke up with him on New Years to make up with him an hour later. And he says he stays but she's a 'nice girl who's really pretty'. Which makes me feel like blah.
Anyway, he's been battling some 'bug' since Christmas (coughing, head aches, abdominal pain, congestion..it was awful) and despite his warnings that we shouldn't get too close until he felt better, i didn't listen which resulted in me getting the Flu not too lonfg after. You never feel completely and utterly alone until you have the flu and realize that you are too weak to do anything but that you have to or you will die. Okay, im being a little dramatic...but you get what i'm saying.
The Flu from hell beat me up these past couple of days. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I ached all over and thought that perhaps I was being divided into pieces. My mom was too far away to do anything. I couldn't expect much from Sean (who did call to apologize for giving me the flu...but did not drop by to make me soup as I expect my future boyfriend to do) because he isn't accessible outside of work. Kathleen, who too was battling the flu, was being taken care of by her boyfriend. And I didn't have anyone else to call.
So with the little energy I had, I dragged myself to the drug store and bought medicine. Then to the supermarket to buy soup and crackers. I called out for work several days and laid in bed thinking that I was dying. My mom, who is a worry wart to begin with, was days away from buying plane tickets to come take care of me. I told her i wasn't feeling that bad (lie of the century) and not to worry. Then I sulked and contemplated if life will continue to feel so lonely. Sure there was no one to take care of me while I was sick, but when I sit back and think about it i still have issues with connecting. I still don't have this reliable source of people to turn to when i'm in the pits.
AndI hate admitting that i need people. I hate it. I spent most of high school, college, and the last few years convincing myself otherwise. But now in the wake of Marie's death, the connections i have made, and the one with Sean I am trying to understand I want more than ever to have people who need and want me around as much as I need and want them around.
And I feel at a loss for how to accomplish this. I've done great this last year and will continue as i have been. I've been reaching out to people, spending time with friends and family, expressing my love and adoration as much as I can. But how do i know if these are lasting relationships? Maybe I need to meet more people? Different ones from my friends at work? And what am I too do about Sean? I am determined to tell him how I feel this year. I have no other choice. I can't go on another year pining for him and waiting for him to want me. Or more realistically, for him to tell me that he isn't going to leave his girlfriend and that i deserve someone who wants me as eqaully as i want them.
I am not one for New Years Resolutions. I think they are stupid. But as much as I am afraid of change. I am more afraid of not achieving connections and finding happiness and not being okay. I am afraid of being alone. But I most am afraid that because this life without Marie is strange and weird and lonely yet beautiful and scary and new that i'll go back to that place where i pretend like I dont want and deserve happiness for fear of never finding it.