So, where do i begin. From the beginning I suspect. That always seems to be the best place.
So, the last couple of days have been hell. There has been a lot of crying and fuming and throwing things followed by watching re-runs of buffy and listening to Dave Matthews. I'm not a drinker but i've wanted nothing more than to drown the last few days in a bottle of something that burns going down. It's been that kind of week.
Last Thursday Sean and I hung out on Valentines Day.When he asked me to go to see a movie with him I was a) elated and b) weird-ed out that on all the days for us to officially hang out outside of the comfort of my room, his car or work he decided Valentine's Day would be the perfect time. I will always like this boy. I know this. Whatever idea or image of him that i've created in my head will not be shaken until we have both gone our separate ways. Until he joins the air-force or I find a guy who likes me back or he ups and marries big head.
Until then i am stuck in the place where I am trying to be his friend because I am nothing else to him. I wish that I were but I am not. But i am not sure he is use to having friends or if he is use to having people around whose only want is to be around him. So when he asked me to go to the movies Thursday, because his girlfriend didn't want to hang out with him, I jumped at the chance to because in my mind it meant something. I may not be the girl for him but I am a girl that he enjoys hanging out with. The things I'll settle for.
Anyway, the day itself was actually pretty great. I spent all of Wednesday expecting him to bail but he called right before and asked me if we were still on for the movies. I said yeah as long as it wasn't weird or awkward for him (or his girlfriend) and we planned to meet up after I got out of work to see Die Hard. I decided to dress very casually so he wouldn't think i mistook this as a date (skinny jeans. brown boots. blouse). I also took out money so that I could buy my own ticket as soon as i got to the theater. While a little part of me wanted to believe that this was some semi date with Sean, i knew in the back of my mind that I would be disappointed that it wasn't. So i kept telling myself that we were just going as two friends who didn't want to sit at home alone on Vday. We were just two people who like being around each other who wanted to see Die Hard.
I text him Thursday afternoon to tell him i am on my way to the theater. I, of course, get there first and because i haven't heard anything from him the whole day about meeting up i start to panic. He did say he wanted to see a movie right? Maybe he has changed his mind? Maybe i am being stood up? To ease my mind, I purchase my ticket and then run to the bathroom to breathe. The movie started at 5:20, it was only 5:00. I figured I would give him 15 minutes to show up and then i'd leave.
By 5:10 i still hadn't heard anything. This is where my panic slowly turned to depression and I started to gather my things. Just as I am making my way to the door I get a call from him saying he is outside. There was traffic, he couldn't find parking, hang on just a few more minutes i'll be there. When he arrives I am relieved, excited and fucking nervous because now this is real, He too is dressed very casually and he buys his ticket immediately and we head to our seats.
Because i have never hung out with anyone on Valentines Day I am initially surprised by how empty the theater is. Outside of a few couples, Sean and I are the only people under the age of 40 at the movies. I suspect it's because ideal vday plans do not include watching a crappy ass movie in the middle of the day. We take our seats and spend the next two hours awkwardly leaning into each other, whispering and laughing and trying to ignore the occasional leg touch/arm brush here and there on both our parts. I am relieved by how comfortable we are. He turns to me often during the movie and asks "if i am having a good time on our date" and while happy to hear the word, i know he is trying to be funny. But i tell him yes anyway and he brings his forehead to mine and rubs it affectionately.
When the movie ends we wait until the credits roll before getting up. He is convinced there will be some extra clip or something at the end to watch and I sit through every name of every person involved in the making of the movie because the boy is stubborn. As we sit the movie attendants make there way in to start cleaning and he frustratingly says 'can't they see we are on a date. we'll leave when we are ready'.
During the movie he leaned in really close to ask if we could finish watching James Bond at my house afterwards. Of course, still wanting to believe in some part of my mind that he has asked me to hang out because he likes me, I agree. So once we finally leave the theater we grab burgers and fries and head back to my house and like every other time he has been there, we slip into the ease of hanging out. As the movie is playing we ask each other questions about our day. He talks about a book he is reading and looks around my room a lot. I ask if he needs another pillow to support his back. He says he is having a really good time.
In the middle of James Bond he gets a call from his girlfriend and our moment of comfort is stilled while he takes the call. I am not annoyed by this pause but i am curious as to how this conversation is going to play out. I can hear her voice through his phone and she asks how his day is and where he is at. He says that he is hanging out with a friend but will be home soon. She asks if he is hanging out with his friend Cameron (i guess she is not a fan of this friend) and he says no "my friend beckett...is that okay". She replies 'sure, as long as it's not Cameron". Im not even a fucking threat to his girlfriend. She'd rather him spend valentines day with a girl then with a friend he gets drunk with occasionally i am a little peeved by this.
After the phone call he looks a little disinterested in hanging out anymore but he stays another 2 hours so we can surf the net and watch random youtube videos. Around midnight he says he should be getting home but before he leaves he asks if I had a good time. I tell him yes. I ask him if I was okay....to be around, you know, because I am still getting use to this hanging out thing and i feel bad for being the filler. He says I was great and that I made a good date.
That was our night in a nutshell. Very simple and uneventful yet great. And because i am a stupid silly girl with a belief in miracles and special moments I wanted to bottle last Thursday up in a mason jar so I could keep it with me always. When my anxiety was at its peak hanging out with anyone could provoke a panic attack. And here i am four years later hanging out with a boy i like on Valentines Day and I pulled it off. Was i nervous, yes? Did i feel like passing out, um, yes? But I did it and i survived and I was great.
As soon as he is out the door I tell myself that I will not tell anyone outside of Kat and my mom about my really nice Valentines Day for several reasons. 1) ain't no body's business. My job is a poll of gossip. Sean has a girlfriend and despite how casual we attempted to make last Thursday i didn't want to make it weird at work. 2) because we had such a nice time I wanted to keep the day to ourselves. I value my privacy a lot and what I do outside of work with my friends is important to me. Thursday was nice, really nice and the only two people who needed to know this was us.
As soon as I get to work the next day though Kat tells me that Sean asked her what she did on Valentines Day and then proceeded to tell her that we hung and stuff but she added that he said it "as if he wanted to make me jealous". I ask her to explain and she says that she was sitting in the break-room when Sean came in and stood around awkwardly near her. When she looked up from her book he asked her is she was busy. She said yes and then returned to reading. He then asked her what she did on Valentines Day. She said 'nothing, why how was your Valentine's Day" "Oh, it was fun. I had fun. Me and Beckett saw a movie and hung out. You know".
Now Kat already knew about my outing with Sean. Hell she was probably the first person i texted soon after he asked me. She does not like this boy though and has not been very supportive about my feelings for him especially after her falling out with Preacher Guy. Sean in turn doesn't like Kat and for some weird reason he is very threatened by our friendship. It's as if he is in a competition with Kat for who i like to be around more and because my relationship with both is different I don't really understand why he even feels the need to compete. So when Sean told Kat that we'd hung out on Valentines Day he did so to throw it in her face. And of course because Kat hates the boy she replied very angrily
"wow.... that's nice but what did your girlfriend think about it".
The moment that came out of her mouth Sean, i don't know, panicked I think. He kept asking Kat what she meant by her question? Why would his girlfriend think anything of it? She knows what it's like. He only hung out with me because his girlfriend is in Puerto Rico (a fucking lie!) Why would it be weird? I mean, c'mon, it's Beckett.
After Kat finishes telling me what Sean said I am more embarrassed then hurt. Or more hurt then embarrassed I couldn't understand why he felt the need to a) tell Kat that we hung out and then b) justify it by bringing his girlfriend up as if there was no way anything would have ever happened between us because 'i love my girl". Thursday was the most platonic interaction I have ever had with the boy and did not warrant a defense. But because I am use to Sean being a little shit, I let the exchange between them go. Thursday was so awesome that i wouldn't let his moment of panic ruin anything.
When I bump into Sean an hour or so later (by then Kat had left) I pretend as if I haven't seen him in a while. To be honest, I planned on saying little to him the whole night because i still wanted to give him the impression that Thursday wasn't a big deal. But the boy has different plans. He spends the first hour of our shift bringing up our 'date': the movie was terrible right, we had fun, i'm glad we watched james bond, omg can you believe how terrible the movie was, where are you going? can i go, hahaha, we had fun". I am a little annoyed because i saw no need for us to talk about Thursday, especially at work, but he wouldn't drop it.
After an hour of Sean following me around and talking about Thursday I retreat finally to the break room because he was getting on my nerves and I felt...smothered. A couple of my co-workers and managers were taking there break just then so I say hi and ask them all how they are doing. Suddenly Sean comes in out of nowhere and stands next to me while we are all chatting about something random. Out of nowhere Sean says "so me and Beckett saw a movie yesterday. It was really terrible. But yeah, yesterday we hung out". I turn around quickly and glare at him. I was trying to tell him to shut the fuck up with my eyes but he seemed to miss the expression. I leave the break-room and head to customer service where Sean, following behind me, asks me what Kat thought when she found out we hung out.
I tell him that she thought it was a little weird but was glad that I had a good time. I didn't want to let him know that she already knew about us hanging out. But i also didn't want to pretend like she didn't think it was a tad bit weird. So i tell him a half truth hoping he will stop being annoying and shut the hell up. But of course, he couldn't just let it go and this is where the boy seriously fucked up. This is where if he cared about me in the slightest he would have just left it alone. Instead he says "oh, cause when I came in Kat asked me what I did on Vday (another lie. he asked her) and I told her we hung out but that".....he laughs pompously...."that it wasn't like that cause she made it seem like, you know, it was weird that we hung out on Vday and you know, I told her my girlfriend knows what it is". At this point i am beginning to get upset. I know that he is going to say something that will hurt my feelings. I feel small and dumb and I know that a bubble is about to burst. So i tell him, I almost plead with him, to stop talking because I know that whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be terrible. But he doesn't listen and instead says:
"I told her that my girlfriend knows who I come home to at night. And that she is 'it' for me. She is my ideal. And that I'm like faithful and stuff and it wasn't a date. Thursday wasn't a date. Cause I'm like, with my girl and you know, isn't it funny that Kat would think it was weird that we hung out. I mean, c'mon"
My heart fell out of my chest. I felt like Drew Barrymore in never been kissed during the flashback of her prom experience. It felt like Sean had thrown eggs at my head and then called everyone over to laugh and point at me. He was the one who asked me to hang out on Valentine's Day. He was the one who went around telling everyone that we'd seen a movie. He's the one who tried to brag about it to my best friend. And there he was in my face telling me Thursday wasn't a big deal as if i'd gone around proclaiming my love for him. I felt embarrassed. I felt degraded and worst of all i felt that my lame ass attempt to be his friend was for nothing. Even now the memory of how I felt when he said this to me makes me cringe.
I completely shut down after he gives his little speech. He actually looks proud that his song and dance has gone...well. Worse he is sort of laughing about it as if I'd think it was funny too ('i mean c'mon what's Kat thinking, my girl is 'it' for me). I of course am seething. I can see only red and I want to hulk smash his face. Outside of the rage, I am hurt. Despite my crush I knew that I would never be anything romantic to Sean, so I settled for being his friend cause I wanted to have him in my life. And this THIS is how he treats my friendship. So instead of joining in with his laughter (cause really who would ever think Sean and I were dating) I tell him that I don't feel well and that he needs to get away from me. I don't even explain why, i just tell him that I have to get away from him or else. Before he can even utter a word I make a mad dash for the bathroom and have a full on panic attack. There are tears and hyperventilating and anger. It's one thing to tell a girl that you are not interested in her. It is another thing to rub it in her face because you are immature.
When I finally calm down Sean immediately knows I am mad at him. He asks what is wrong and I tell him that he needs to work on the way he words things...because sometimes, the things he says can come out insensitive and hurtful. He makes a face like "oh, i get it" and then starts to say "but i was just trying to clear up..." And this is where I fucking lose it. This is where I am like 'why the fuck do i care about this boy. A boy who has sent me to get dog food for his girlfriend, who actually considered dating a 17 year old when his girlfriend and him where on a break, and who had the motherfucking nerve to tell me that Thursday didn't mean anything to him as if to make sure we were on the same page". So I get agitated, and my voice is tense and high and i think i yell:
"Sean. I know that I am not your girlfriend. You have made that perfectly clear from the beginning. I am not your girlfriend. Yesterday was not a date! And It meant nothing! So why the fuck come up to me, who by the way wasn't going to bring anything up about yesterday, and try to invalidate that really fun time we had as friends. You can go fuck yourself"
I was so mad. I don't think i have been this mad in a very long time. We spent the rest of the night arguing ( i don't understand what made you upset?) and another hour in his car yelling. The whole experience was just embarrassing because the one time I tried to be realistic about my relationship with Sean he goes and fucks it up with this lame ass "i love my girlfriend routine'. I kept asking him why he brought up our vday excursion anyway only to have to clarify it to people who weren't interested in the first place. He didn't have an answer. I asked him if he had a good time Thursday. He said yes. I asked him then why did he have to invalidate the whole day because of his insecurities. He didn't have an answer.
A week later and I am still livid at this boy. I told him i do not trust him anymore. I told him that if he ever makes me feel like I did last Friday I will disappear from his life. I will no longer be his friend. I will be but a memory. And I am serious about this. This boy fucked up. I have been nothing but nice to him, I have never initiated anything inappropriate because of his girlfriend. I wanted to be his friend and he threw it in my face like a jackass because he thinks that I am his puppy.
There is a part of me that is terrified of losing him. I have had a crush on him for so long that not having him around will feel like a loss. But the other part of me is convinced that he should be more concerned with losing me. I don't know if he is use to having friends. I don't know if he is use to having someone around who doesn't want anything from him except his time. Whatever the case I felt so....undervalued and under appreciated and used by this boy and I am fed up trying to mean something to someone who could care less.