I am having nightmares again. Nothing too dramatic or scary or frightening but the context of the dreams have unnerved me to the point where I have had no energy to interact with any one this week.
Last Monday Sean called me and wanted to know about the drama that Mutual Friend brought up this weekend. I had already talked to my mom about how I was going to approach the situation should Sean bring it up. I felt it wasn't my place to say anything outside of what Mutual Friend told me because I don't want to always be the one calling him on his behavior. And plus maybe having a guy tell him that he fucked up would hit closer to home then when I say it.
I missed his first two calls cause I was walking home from work. And when I finally reached my house I told myself I would not answer the phone if he called back. Then he called back and I answered like an asshole. He didn't even mention the potential 'sexual harassment' situation. He called to let me know that he was feeling much better and that he spent all Sunday in bed having crazy dreams because of his fever.
He wouldn't shut up about his stupid dream: he was in a desert, he was a gunslinger or something, he was on the search for gold that was caught in the seams of walls. It was bizarre. He thought he was hallucinating cause it seemed so real. In the middle of his gun slinging, gold finding story I yelled "did you get my text! this is serious. Mutual Friend is pissed and this can become an issue with management".
He sighed and told me to tell exactly what happened on Saturday. And while I told myself I wouldn't say a word because it wasn't my place I told him everything I knew: annoying cashier thinks he is inappropriate and creepy, Mutual Friend doesn't find it funny that his friend is bouncing plush toys off his girlfriends ass, and that Sean needs a wake up call because his mouth and his actions are going to eventually cost him his job.
Sean seemed unfazed by the whole mess. He had another side to the story. He said that he knows he crosses a lot of boundaries but that he wouldn't have taken it that far with annoying cashier if she didn't reciprocate. That the only reason he threw a plush toy at her ass was because she had made some comment about how bouncy her boobs were and he wanted to know if this buoyancy applied to her ass as well. He was mad that she didn't bring it up to him because he would respect her more if she had said something.
I hate how nonchalant he is on the phone. I want to call him on the fact that this is not the first time he has been inappropriate with chicks at work. That along with Mutual Friend being pissed I am a little peeved as well because, well, of feelings that i have had for him that continues to be complicated because of the way he acts around me and other girls. I want to tell him that this is the last time i am going to stick up for him when he is in the wrong.
But I don't because just as the words are appearing in my head he, out of nowhere, asks "so anyway, wanna hang out tomorrow. movie? at your house? "
What? Weren't we just talking about annoying cashier and the seriousness of crossing the line? Wasn't I just saying that I can't do this anymore and make excuses for his bad behavior? Now you want to talk about watching a movie at my house after you get off work.
"suuuuuuuuure, i guess". Le sigh.
Tuesday night comes and I am not looking forward to this boy coming over my house. I am sleepy and have the sense that this hangout is part of some quota this boy has to fill for the week: "hang out with loser crush so that she continues to have my back whenever i fuck up....check!". He gets to my house around 11 and we spend the next two hours watching a movie and talking about various things. He, for some reason, is wearing lounge pants under his uniform and makes a big deal about having to remove his pants so that he sit comfortably in my room. I close my eyes and tell him I won't look as he debates whether he should keep his work pants on or de-pants so that he can sit in his lounge pants. He decides to wear his lounge pants.
He calls his girlfriend (before the movie starts) while I am sitting on my bed clutching a stuff animal Marie gave me in the12th grade and I get to listen to him say "hey baby. yea, no I'm not at home. why? oh is this okay? yea, no I'll be home soon. I'll call you as soon as I do. Love you baby". Followed by a quick succession of kisses you make at a cat to lure them to your hand. I try not to barf, start the movie and then contemplate what the hell I am doing.
The movie and the conversation were actually very nice. Our last experience watching something on tv together did not go well and this was a nice break because it's just us and I felt comfortable and safe in my room. He couldn't get over how nice my room is. I have a glow in the dark solar system mobile hanging above my desk (thanks K!) and he couldn't stop staring at it. I apologized for all the distractions in my room: the space mailbox hanging from my bookshelf, my buffy shrine, the paper cranes hanging from the ceiling, the mini blanket pillow fort where the cat and I chill. He told me not to apologize, that my room was the 'nicest thing'.
He left around 1am but the awesomeness of the previous two hours was replaced by his urgency to leave (probably to get home and call his gf). I walked him to his car and said goodbye and then cursed myself for remaining in the rabbit hole of a mess that this is. When i finally get to bed, after several hours of staring at my ceiling, I have the first of many fucked up dreams.
The one I had that night sticks with me the most because my head is also telling me what my heart is struggling to see. I don't know how the dream began but i am at home when Sean calls and asks if I want to help him move garbage from his garage/basement to the curb. I, of course, agree to help though I ask him how I am suppose to get to his house. He doesn't offer to pick me up so I take the train and then bus to his address where he is waiting outside for me. His house has a weird Tim Burton aspect to it. The lawn is very green and the house is very tall and is painted a weird teal color. Attached is a balcony that doesn't look like it can hold company and his driveway stretches on forever. On the side of the house is the attached garage, the door propped open with a rock.
I ask him immediately how I can help and he says that I just have to stand by the curb while he brings the garbage out. This is weird because I want to be near his house. I want to step on the grass and help him bring things out but he seems adamant that my job is to wait on the curb while he transports the garbage. He comes and goes bringing heavy black bags with him and places them near my feet. After several trips the curb is full of bags and I do not have any more room to stand. He comes out again and this time I ask him if i can use the restroom. He looks hesitant and asks "if you do then who will watch the garbage" I laugh and say 'i don't know. i won't be long. the garbage isn't going to go anywhere' but I can tell he is serious so i ask him again to emphasize having to pee. I point to the balcony because while i was on the curb i notice that there are only two doors to this house. One attached the garage and the other oddly attached to the balcony though there is no stairs leading to the entrance.
He looks up at the balcony but before he can answer his mom, dressed as if she is a nurse in a hospital, approaches us on the lawn. She passes Sean and sticks her hand out for me to shake saying "so you're Beckett. Finally". I shake her hand, coming to the edge of the curb while she stands on the grass. Sean comes and stands beside me and we are all suddenly really close. She continues shaking my hand but turns to Sean and says "I'm very happy to meet her but she has to go. She does not belong here do you understand me". Sean exhales loudly and then storms off to the garage. His mom lets go of my hand and then says "i don't mean to upset you or Sean but you cannot stay. There are people in the house and we do not have enough room for anyone else. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you do not belong here"
I smile at her weakly and tell her I understand. I ask her if I can just use the bathroom before i go but she is persistent: "his father is sleeping on the couch. You'd have to pass the couch and his father to use our bathroom. There are too many people inside. You cannot stay". Then she gets into her car and presumably drives to work. Though I have been warned to stay on the curb (by Sean) and not to enter the house (by his mom) I walk the long stretch of the driveway to say goodbye to him. I find him in the dark small space furiously throwing garbage into bags and muttering awful things about his mom. His back is facing me and the white shirt he is wearing is covered in sweat.
He doesn't hear me come up behind me and when he turns around the bag of garbage hits me in the stomach. He apologizes profusely and i tell him it's okay. He then says that his mom is wrong, setting the garbage to the side so that he can run his hands through his hair. He says that she never knows what she is talking about. He is livid and now is pacing the garage. I am near tears because i want to believe him but i know his mom is right (i mean he did leave me on the grass to wait for him). And I want to bring this up, but I can't because he keeps ranting about how unfair she was. How she doesn't know what she is talking about. How I am not temporary. How he wishes I could stay. But as I start to back away, saying that i should go, he doesn't make an attempt to stop me. I feel like i am floating towards the exit but he doesn't make any moves to pull me close. To prove her wrong. To make me temporary.
I wake up from the dream soon after and have been in a cranky mood ever since because for the last week I have had the same fucking dream with slight variations. And I don't know why i can't shake it. I know what my mind is trying to tell me. Hell I know what my heart is trying to tell me and yet I am still resisting and struggling and making excuses and fucking up.