In the Bookstore.

When Mike found out that I would be in the area at the end of May he wrote me an email on Facebook saying that we should meet up and have our usual conversations at the bookstore.

With all the bad things I said about Mike during the fall semester I realized that half of his annoyance arises from his complete inability to realize when it is time to shut up, and my own "quick to find a fault" trait. I am a person who unwittingly keeps her distance. I will find some fault in you, so I don't get to drawn in. So I don't get hurt or damaged. Not the best way to approach relationships I know, but it's something I am trying to work on.

Dealing with Katherine and her weird antics, I grew to appreciate him more and more. So yeah he can sometimes be an ass, but an ass that I am comfortable hanging around with. An ass who is my age, and shares some of my quirks.

He is leaving for Key West tomorrow. Some strange outdoor kind of expedition he is going on. All I know is that it involves a boat, and a captain, and he sounds uber excited about it. I was kind of freaked out by seeing him. I have that fear of awkward silences where there use to be laughter. But upon seeing each other in the bookstore, we went on our normal tangents. He listened to me groan about taking chem this summer, I listened to him talk about XBox 360. It was the most fun I've had just sitting down and talking in a long while.

Of course he mentioned that he pretty much failed all his classes this year. Chem -D, Math- D, Hist-F, Art -B+, and Philosophy-B+. I've haven't calculated that yet, but I fear it is pretty below average. I hope he is here next year. He also showed interest in going to London with me in May(he said January is not a great time), if I can't find anyone to go with. I don't know what this feeling is, excitement I guess.

So me and Katherine are taking Chem together. Though I thought this may be awkward due to some things I wrote to her on my school blog(the school blog is basically life lessons that I think I have learned, not nearly as detailed as this one. Sometimes a paragraph or sentence of what I have learned about life. Just in case anyone thought I was cheating on this one)

I kind of wrote it hoping she would see it. Hoping that it would give me a non confrontational way out of the friendship. I know she read it because on her facebook account she put all these new quotes up, about real friends and yadda yadda yadda, a day after my entry.

But I am being social with her, keeping my distance though. So far I have only talked to her in class, we sit next to each other and are very social. But I won't have lunch with her or go to her house. This bird has to fly solo, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it I think.

My laptop is still broken. Which means I am writing this entry again in the library. It's pretty comfortable in here. And without the distraction of TV I get more done. The summer session actually seems to be going pretty well, my apartment is so cute and cozy. I of course wish I could supply pictures but...No comp. I have two roommates who I have only seen once or twice. We pretty much stay in our own area, and the only way I can tell they are there is if I hear footsteps or muffled voices.

I'll decorate it better in the fall and take plenty of pics.

I'm still having problems deciding on a minor that is just right for me. When I approach the idea of the minor I think: "What kind of job could I get with this minor". History, English, Journalism, and Film are still my top choice, but narrowing them down has become a problem.

Psych pretty much is out of the running. I sit in the class every morning and come to a realization that this is not for me.

I came in thinking I knew it all about who and what I wanted to be, and I have come to a truth that I have no idea. I never had a idea. But it's kind of fun figuring it all out.

Beckett

When i was younger...

there was no one cooler than my brother.

He wouldn't believe me if i told him that today. Surprisingly i was the popular one before we moved. When we walked down the hall people referred to him as "Beckett's brother".

My brother was always a social person, but the teenage years provided him with baby fat and an increasing dislike for school.While i seemed to do well there, he saw no like or need for it when he was more interested in drawing. I was deemed the smart one, while he felt he faded in the back.

Of course the roles have reversed, but what my brother may never come to realize is that even when we were younger, i admired him more than anyone i knew.

It was he that i told my creative writing ideas too, and my first co-writer to movie.

He who ate the rice i accidently burnt, and said it wasn't that bad.

It was he who held my hand while we crossed the street to make sure i made it across safely.

My brother seems to mainly think of our relationship in a competitive way. We still race to see whose the fastest, see who can sing the longest note, and even who can solve puzzles first.

But underneath that all, i admire him more and more everyday. So he's a huge slacker, but he is full of so much potential. And even though i have pretty much taken the role of older sister to his ways, somewhere deep down inside i look up and wish i was as cool as him.

To you Morg on your 22nd year on this crazy planet.

Happy Birthday

And i'm sorry mom forgot and thought it was the 31st of may.

You are loved.

Very Pressed for time

Well i am here at school.

Typing in the library because my computer is still broken.

I wish i could say more, but me being the paranoid person that i am cannot talk about important matters in the open like this. A number of people could be looking over my shoulder....RIGHT NOW.

Just kidding, but you get the idea.

My room is very pretty, and i have met one of my roommates though we haven't really said anything to each other. We just kind of smile and head on our way.

To say i am a little nervous about the speed the summer session moves would be an understatement. Without my computer i feel pretty useless as if i am in the stoneage or something.

Maybe a little time away from the computer will improve my schoolwork. Yeah right.

And of all the things i forgot to bring, shoes should have been on the top of the list. I have these horrible sandles on that hurt like no one elses business, and am wondering what in my right mind made me forget shoes.

Until later, hopefully.

London Bound.

My loan came today. YEAH!!!! I of course called financial aid early this morning and made sure all was going okay in the loan department. Everything is now straight and on Sunday I am headed back to school, to become one step closer to becoming a junior.

Since that is all cleared up, I have moved on to other things to fret about. The life of a constant worrier is nerve racking, but I think I like working under the pressure sometimes if I keep putting myself in the position to worry.

I went to the library on Monday and got two books on London and Great Britain. I have started already to plan for a trip I will most likely not take until the first week of January. It's insane and crazy and even a little ballsy to plan a trip not knowing how I will get there, what I will do when I get there, and most of all where I am going to get the dinero to pay to get and survive there.

But as a child growing up I always did first and then thought about it later. It's weird because I am this natural planner of things. I'm not big on surprises because I like the ball to be in my court, but on this other end I am this risk taker. Not in a cocky way where I think I am invincible, but in a way that I believe anything is possible if I get past the first step.

Though I have all the question marks about the trip in itself, the one thing I am positive of is that in January I will be on a plane to London. I don't know how to explain the feeling that I have that is driving me to want to go over there so bad. It's like the feeling of being hungry and I need to be fed. Or I am thirsty so I need a drink. But mainly it is this feeling of a great possibility that lays before me. Of something I want to do so bad, I feel it in the pit of my stomach.

The only problem I am facing is that I may have no one to go with. With Marie dating this dude, it seems she is less apt to want to go and leave him. Yesterday after the movie, which she happened to bring him along too, I tried to mention the trip. And by try I mean I brought the London book and basically pointed at all the cool places we could venture. Our own adventure and for me, even a little life changing experience.

She pretty much shrugged and said "yeah that's cool". Sure I've survived a week in a new city pretty much alone, but that was in the states. Going overseas is a little different and may be a little more fun with a friend by my side. Would save me the trouble of trying to snap cheesy photos in front of cool places with a timer on the digital camera I haven't figured out yet.

We're young, efficient, and cute with good heads on our shoulders. And would have a blast together. And though I wouldn't have a problem going alone, it would just be a little more fun with a good friend by my side. She wants to wait until we graduate,which would be two years from now. And though I know London isn't going anywhere, I don't want to wait so long to go.

We'll see what happens, I have to make this look like a really good trip so she will go with me. Worst that could happen is that I will just have to go alone. My aunt's boyfriend has a uncle in London who is a doctor, and hopefully one of them will put in the good word with him, and I may have a place to stay. Right now the planning is a little fuzzy, but still exciting. I've never been out of the country before.

Anywhere but Here

My loan has not arrived yet and freak out mode has begun.

What runs through my head is that fate hates me and wants me to accomplish nothing in this life.

Unlike having a fun filled summer vacation, I wanted to take summer classes, so I could get closer to be caught up, and have the pleasure of not hearing Marie say "you are so behind..." yadda yadda yadda

It's this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me think that in two days the loan will not come. I will not take the much needed class this summer, and will have to think that if I had only applied a couple of days earlier I would not be in the predicament that I am in now.

My computer has been sent off because they still have no idea what is wrong with it. The screen is absolutely black and the Geek Squad(their name, not mine) is apparently not that techy so they have to send it to someone who also may not know what is wrong with it.

Shitty shitty middle of the week. I have to begin thinking of what I will do if I cannot attend this session. My mom still has high hopes that it will arrive, that I just need to stop worrying. But my hopes are pretty down and I am two clicks away from booking a plane ticket to anywhere but here.

And now i have to get dressed to watch a stupid movie that i am in no mood to watch. I can't hide my disappointment even from myself.

Twilight Zone

Yesterday my laptop would not turn on. I had planned to go to Barnes and Noble and continue to write the screenplay I had been working on all week.

I'm actually very excited about this story. I feel it has real potential and will show my range pretty well. It's not melodramatic as some of my other stories have been. And I have finally gotten the screenplay format down.

So I went in my writing clothes; light blue shirt, with a scarf(my mom says I look like a gypsy) and jeans. I got to Barnes and Noble, sit down, git the laptop out...And it would not turn on. Something about the LCD light(or something) will not come on.

So after a small "what the hell", I went to Best Buy. They have to give it a diagnostic test, which cost 59.00, which apparently takes two days. If the problem cannot be fixed there they have to send my comp off, and I won't get it for two more weeks.

(insert curse words here)

I now know the feeling of having a limb cut from my body. I am so dependent on the thing. My scripts are in there, I cant play the Sims(tear), and getting on the internet has not been that easy, and it's only day 2!!!!

And it doesn't help that a week from today I will be back at school, and need my comp more than ever.

I hate that things go wrong during crunch week. I mean i'm use to things falling into place at the last second, but getting a little weary of it at the same time. I applied for a loan to summer school on Friday, and hopefully by Wednesday it will be available to me. But of course I have been doing the "why isn't it in there yet" thing. Wondering if I should have applied a little earlier, but then remembering that I usually apply at the same time span, so why worry. Right?

Minor trip tp the library perhaps, but for the most part it will be an in day. Yesterday was just not the day. I felt all jinxed and like I had bad luck.

It's been raining a lot here, all this writing inspiration is flying through my head. I had an epiphany of sorts the other day, and feel like I really need finish one of my stories and see what happens from there. I could surprise myself.

I hope my computer comes back to me soon.

Graduation Day...Sorta

So I've been jogging every morning since I got back from vacation. As soon as I wake up the first thing I do is put on my jogging clothes and head to what can be considered the civic center/park to jog.

It's actually been kind of refreshing and a relaxing practice. It's the only form of exercise I do not get bored from. It's an exercise that I truly feel I can push myself further to get better at.
Of course the track is right around the building I graduated from, and while running I started thinking about the impending graduation of many high school students which then brought me to think of mine.

My graduation was weird. High school years in general for me was very weird. You come in thinking you are going to be someone that you later on figure you couldn't be. Unless you were the small few popular people, high school pretty much was average for most of us. I had my good days and bad days.

I think the reason high school lingers with us is because everybody loves college. College are like the best years of our lives, but high school was filled with the good, bad, and ugly. We remember cliques, and crushes, and having that feeling like you couldn't wait until you graduated. There was an objective: Graduation and even a little bit of innocence and wonder that awaited us.

Looking back at the place I graduated I was surprised at seeing that I'm not that girl anymore. Sure I'm still shy and a little distant, but there is something different that allows me not to be bitter about high school.

High School is like a rite of passage. They aren't meant to be easy. All the tears shed seem stupid now, all the disagreements seem worthless. I've even let go of the would of-should of-could of's.

My first semester of college I had to write a final essay about something that impacted our lives. I always considered moving away a moment in my life that changed me. I compared myself to Dorothy from the wizard of Oz being torn away from Kansas. I ended it with saying that I was still in Oz, this strange, bizarre place that tests my drive to find a way back home.

But watching Girl Interrupted and hearing the commentary from the director(which is the best commentary I have seen in a while, I highly recommend checking it out), he also compared Susan Kaysen to Dorothy, and that the whole movie is this comparison of Dorothy's journey through Oz. He made this genius comment that at the end of the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy always had the ability to go home. With a quick click of her ruby red shoes she could head back to safe Kansas.

So when I think back to that girl that I was, that girl searching for a way out, I finally realized that I have always had the strength to be in a position of returning home. Not literally of course. But I mean I've always had it in me. Whatever it is. Hopefully it is a greater sense of myself worth and happiness.

I wasn't happy with myself in high school. I was so ashamed because I never felt good enough. I was always the quiet sidekick and wanted so desperately to be seen(which is very much my want now) I think what sadness that lies now, and most often appears on this blog, are these two struggling perspectives of myself. The one I am trying to leave behind and the one that is slowly trying to emerge from it's shadow.

So sure I may be stuck in Oz, but I have more self to uncover and I don't mind staying for a little while longer.

And I'm almost certain the yellow brick road spans on for however long it takes until I click my heels.

Back to daydreaming and reading.

Rachael Ray doesn't have anything on me.

I surprised my mom with her mothers day presents. Leaving notes around the house leading to he closed bed room door with a car on it. The note of course said "sorry we could only afford this card", and then she walked in to bed full of presents. She was really surprised. I'm not good with hiding things, and my excitement earlier this week almost led me to just give her the presents.

With her favorite movie in the Dvd player, I offered to make her breakfast. Did I mention that I cannot cook. I made eggs, bacon, and toast. Two of the three I have never made before. Guess which two.

I was afraid she was going to choke on the bacon or find some eggshells in the eggs that I did not know how to make. She's still alive though, so I guess I did something right.

Today basically means that I do whatever she wants, which will no doubt mean I will be wearing a dress and earrings.

And watching Mission Impossible.

I'd rather wear the dress and earrings

Happy Mothers Day.

Postscript: The best thing about mission impossible was looking at Johnathan Rhys Meyers for what seemed like 5 hours(the movie was long, it was alright though). Move over Gavin Degraw.

Round 2.

Mothers day is tomorrow and I have started wrapping the presents. I hate wrapping presents, I'm no expert in how to get rid of the creases in the paper. I feel a little Monk-ish and have spent most of the time frowning at how wrinkly it looks. It will have to do though, I think she will just be happy we(and by we I mean me) got her anything, yet along wrapped it with some weird and tough wrapping paper.

I of course had to make another trip to the bookstore and happen upon very cute Barnes and Nobel Boy.

Did I get a little dressed up? Maybe.

Did I put on my very best but comfortable pants and Ramones t-shirt. Maybe?

I of course wasn't expecting him to be there but I notice his long hair through the window.

I of course have mentioned I know nothing about boys and how to approach them. That weird seduction book is crap too. Now I wasn't trying to learn how to be seductive, but I'm curious by nature I figured "hey I may learn something." I should have noticed that when my mom stopped reading it it was for good reason.

Basically the book is on how to be a whore. Seriously. It should be called "Hoooking 101" because the things they suggest are very..."Forward". First you have to find your seduction style, and then find the target you wish to corrupt. Needless to say I haven't picked it up since Tuesday and am sticking with being a clueless girl.

Once again there was more small chatter. He laughed. I laughed. He has a weird laugh, but I guess in a weird good way. I guess what I have learned from my Art Boy failure(lets admit it, it was pretty much a failure) is that I kind of have to put myself out there, and be noticeable if I wish for him to notice me.

Even if that means carelessly buying things at Barnes and Noble.

I just woke up this morning with a terrifying feeling that maybe this was it. Maybe my best is only what I have done so far. Maybe I will never grow out of being this awkward, sort of lonely, and boyfriendless girl. Maybe the reason I have not progressed and grown as I wished I would have in college is because this is as good as it gets. I have peaked and hit a plateau and this is how life will be.

As I stared pitifully in the mirror I realized that maybe I'm afraid of things changing. Not those things around me I had once dreaded,but maybe the things within myself. I'm so use to hiding behind things that what I may unravel is more crushing than I am ready for. And maybe that's why I assume this is as good as it will get. Perhaps it is easier to wallow in self pity than pull myself up from it's trenches, and dabble in the possibilities of change that lay before me.

I'm just afraid I guess, I've always been the unnoticed girl or at least felt most comfortable blending in. But now I kind of want it, to be noticed, not by everyone but just by the right ones. I want to know that I'm important to people. I'm want to stop being afraid of my possibilities.

that's all for tonight. I can hear one of my cats yelling from the closet she has gotten herself stuck in...Again.

Me to the rescue.

"A fingers touch upon my lips..."

Yesterday was the most pleasantly splendid days I have had in a very long time.

It was actually a dreary, cloudy day and I saw fit for it to be a reading day. The whole day I lounged around with no interruptions. TV off, cats quietly at my feet, head rested against the softest pillow I could find, with a book in my hand. It wasn't until at least 6:30 when I decided to leave the safe haven of my bed and head into the general public. I wonder why everyday cannot be like yesterday.

Today is not as gloomy, the sun is shining and the wind is blowing. I have deemed it dress day. I don't wear dresses often, but today I put on my light green sun dress and have spent most of my day writing my usual fairy tale stories.

Yesterday as I lay and read another one of my guilty pleasure escape literature, I pondered the idea of fairy tales.

Is there like some point in our lives when we are suppose to grow out of the idea of fairy tales and true love?

When we realize that Prince Charming snores loudly in his sleep or leaves the toilet seat up, or that The sweet and vulnerable heroine of the fairy tale nags at Prince Charmings small faults and is more high maitanence than he expected?

I didn't even start reading fairy tales until later on in my teens, and up until that point I didn't believe in soulmates and love. I was a pretty realistic kid. At that time I did not believe in THE ONE I simply was a very forward girl to the boys I had crushes on. I didn't understand why girls went all crazy over one guy. While they were kissing posters of Devon Sawa, I had a picture of George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg.

And even though I still question the idea of soulmates and am conscious that I live in a unrealistic world of fairy tales dreams and happily ever afters, there is this small glimmer of optimism, which is actually a huge shining light, that those great and exaggerated ideals of romance and still possible.

I'm frighten though that by holding on to that "ideal" I will and have only been disappointed by the reality of life. and people. I feel that by naively holding on to it, I am constantly extending my hand and heart to be damaged by life's hard reality.

For now, I liked to hold on to that ideal though. As childish and unrelenting as it may be. Because maybe love and those fairy tale ideals are like days like yesterday. Sure they don't come often and we wish they could be everyday. But what makes them special is they are so small and few they are cherished even more when it creeps up on us.

But then again maybe I have no idea what I am talking about. I get so frustrated with myself that I am so gullible to those sort of ideas. I like to seal myself from them, so I can't get hurt by the pedestal I have put it on...but then again if it's anything like describe in the tales than I am almost willing to suffer through the disappoint for more days like yesterday and that small glimmer of hope that whatever "it" is that makes love wonderful will happen to me.

I am be such a chick sometimes. Jeez.

I have to watch Mission Impossible on Sunday. My mom has to be one of the few people who still like Tom Cruise. Once he said "exercise and eating the right food will cure depression" or however he phrased it, I was pretty much done with him and Katie Holmes.

I was suppose to start writing my script on Monday, but reading has alluded me from that. I finished one cheesy book and am moving on to another before I start reading As I lay dying. Oprah has corrupted the world, by stamping her stupid label on every book she decides the public should read. I searched high and low for the only copy without "if Oprah read it you should too" label.

Tomorrow I will venture from the safety of this bed. For right now though it is very pleasant, and serene, minus the smell of my brother burning another oven pizza making it's way into my room.

Summer Nights...

Today was a very busy day. It should have been called Happy "where the hell did all my money go" Day. With mothers day just around the corner I figured I should finally move up a step from making my mom cheesy cards to actually buying her things she has mentioned.

Every mothers day my brothers girlfriend has gotten my mother something. I sit on the side seeing my mom do the "that's so sweet" screech and then listen to her point out how thoughtful she is. So today I went on a shopping fiasco. Going from Target to Barnes and Nobel to rack up on the things my mom may have mentioned. I had a memory lapse standing in Target where I spent 30 minutes in one aisle trying to remember if my mom needed picture frames. I finally left the section and got her a purple yoga mat, a yoga tape and some candle island thing. Then I headed to Barnes and Nobel(where I saw the cutest cashier,more on him later) and bought her a card and a book mark that apparently was hand painted.

I then drove to Best Buy got her favorite movie,50 first dates, headed downtown to this place that makes beads and got her a bracelet made of something I can not pronounce. I think I dished out 100 dollars in the last few hours. It's worth it though.

Anyway.

I've started running. Since yesterday I have gotten up at 8 and headed to the park to jog. I use to love jogging when I was younger and it is really the only exercise I have never gotten bored from. Of course I neglected to stretch beforehand and am walking like the tin man. It's this unbearable pain shooting up my thigh that even post run stretching cannot soothe.

So at 9:30 I headed into the bookstore, as stiff as a board now, and happen to see a very cute Barnes and Noble guy. What is it with boys who work in book stores. It's every sensitive girls dream I think. I guess one assumes that "hey he works in a bookstore, he MUST love to read.I'll be able to discuss Rand and Steinbeck with him, and it won't seem dorky"

When I saw him, I was relieved that I had decided to go home and change out of my 80's inspired jogging pants(they are so cute and of course green), but I was pretty embarrassed by my tin man legs. He has lovely golden locks, and wears glasses. After spending too much time lingering in the card section I went to the register. His voice is nice, he offered me a discount,he asked me for my number....To verify the name so I could get the discount of course but still ....

The next time I go to the bookstore I am going to get help looking for a book. I don't care what book it is, but anything that will get small talk flowing. I don't know where the new sense of getting out of my comfort zone has arisen from. My brother has been pushing me to read this new book. It's this book of how to obtain power, it is a very Male oriented book, but actually pretty fascinating.

My mother hated the book, I guess the line about eliminating one's enemy with deadly force was more than enough info for her. She instead went to Barnes and Nobel and got the 48 laws of being sensual. Kind of gross, she pre-ordered it beforehand. I read one page of the sensuality book and was embarrassed by it's frankness. Even more embarrassed by how little I know about that stuff.

Flirting for me is 5 seconds of eye contact, and then I'm done. Sensuality and Power, two things I don't have, and to a degree I don't believe I want, but they both make for very interesting reading material.

Being home and around familiar faces my dreams have become more personal then I would like. I had a dream about the Speech teacher and this almost suffocating feeling of entrapment when I woke up. The perks and downfalls of being home, being so close to everything that I spent high school running away from.

Let Go

Back to my regular posting. I am back and refreshed. I came back home with a cold or something which led my mom to give me medicine, which then led to me missing Grey's Anatomy because I fell asleep. Damn.

Anyway.

vacation was actually nice. My aunt, cousin, and baby cousin met us the day after we were at our grandmothers house. For me it is always frightening to meet up with relatives. I some how think that we will all have nothing to say to each other and it will be an awkward time. Of course that wasn't the case. Morgan and Jolly Green Giant(which is now what I will refer to my cousin as because at 15 years old he is almost 6'1) totally talked to each other as if time had never passed. Everyone else( Mom, aunt, grandma) surrounded the baby, while I of course made sure things didn't fall apart.

I don't think it's my natural reaction to be in charge of things. But apparently everyone else thinks it is. They relied on me so much to do things, I became irritated by it. I also wanted to do the bonding and sharing of stories or even just talking about stupid things. But I was always, driving to McDonald's, or making cookies, or finding something someone lost. I was only irritated for about 2 hours, which was when I decided to hide in the backyard, but was soon called back in by my grandmothers screeching my name for assistance.

After that I was resigned to being the responsible one. Though I hated , and often rebelled the title.

We did the usual things. Went downtown. Ate at a restaurant. Watched movies at the house. For me it's just those subtle moments that make it all worth it. It was just comforting to be with the people I grew up with.

Maybe home is really about the people. I guess I grew up thinking home was about the place I grew up in, but really it's about the people I grew up around. They shape and alter our lives. They altered mine. It just felt good to be there with the people who I contribute so much of my childhood happiness to.

As mentioned briefly yesterday, I also saw the cracks in the foundation of my childhood that may cause most of my insecurities today.

My grandmother was never one of those "Give me a hug" people. My mom says she has always been like that, unable to show any real sort of affection. From what I remember as a child was that she cooked meals and was around when we were, but I've never really had a conversation with her.

My grandma has 4 children. 3 girls and 1 boy. My Uncle is the oldest and the favorite. We all know it. He also has those two evil daughters, who my grandmother thinks can do no wrong. But we all know that they are selfish, conceited, and snobby.

The rest of us pretty much don't live up to par to his family. My grandmother never says it but she has a way of talking about our father like "the hippie my mom married". Jolly Green Giant is tall and clumsy and grandma's critical words come a crushing blows. The Baby's dad got it the worst. My grandma clearly doesn't like him, and made a point of telling my aunt that over and over and over again.

Mid vacation my grandma made Jolly Green Giant and Morgan spray paint these old patio furniture that she had for at least 20 years. While they were doing that and I was supervising(hey baked cookies) my grandma,mom, aunt, baby,uncle, and uncle's girlfriend were sitting on the porch. Now Morgan and Giant have never sprayed anything that probably wasn't a wall.

But you should have seen them back there sweating and wearing these funny looking gloves wondering what the hell to do, and getting paint on themselves accidentally.She took this as them being lazy, and went on to call them "lazy son of a bitches" in front of the rest of the family while we were in the back.

My mom went off. I guess she had enough of grandma bashing us behind our backs, and says she just started yelling at her and reminding her that we are her grandchildren; not strangers. She's getting a huge mothers day present, just for defending us.

I see it in all of our faces. This need to be accepted and be worth something. Sure my childhood was great,but as a kid you are (I was anyway) always happy. It's like you are the star of the play, but you don't have any idea what is going on backstage as you are performing.

I realized that for me personally doing all those errands and helping the family out so much, I only got frustrated when my hard work wasn't appreciated. And then with my grandmother being so rude to Morg and Giant when they helped her out, I reflected on the fact that the tears that I have shed over friends were all caused from my not feeling appreciated or wanted by them.

I want so badly to be wanted that I get frustrated and sad and angry the moment I feel that I am sitting on the sidelines from people. The moment I feel like I don't matter, I disconnect. And I guess it stems from that repressed feeling of my youth of feeling unappreciated and ignored by the adults around me.

I have some fixing up of the cracks in the foundation, they are causing my house that I am building to crumble.

Time to go read some books. I think I got only one trashy one; I think it's about some secret agents or something. Who doesn't love that.

The cats have been following me around the whole day, so some reading in bed with two cats at my feet will just have to do.

I'm Home...

And exhausted. All in all it was a good vacation, minus all the work i did, my grandmother behaving pretty "lame" as my mom put it, and a few small fits that we all kind of threw, it was nice to be around the people i love.

Because i am tired, i will update you as soon as i wake up tomorrow. Until then, i have been "tagged" by Kbryna, to list life's simple pleasures.

Name ten of life's simple pleasures, then pick five people to do the same.

1) The smell of fresh coffee in the morning
2) Waking up to the sun warming your face
3) Walks in the rain
4) The sound of the ocean while resting on the beach
5) Loved ones laughter
6) Laying under the covers with a book
7) Saturday Mornings
8) Secret Smiles
9) Cats resting on my stomach
10)Remembering the past with others

Time to unpacked and sleep. I love how you go on vacation to get a break and then you come back and are tired from all that you did. It was nice to be with the whole family again, but you see that the dynamics are changing a little.

It's weird, when i younger i believed that i had this solid family foundation that made me secure and loved, but somehow being with them i sensed that some of my "issues" stem from those misconceptions.

But i'm not going to go all Freud tonight. Tomorrow

I got my grades back. NO C's, D's or the dreaded "F's". I did pretty well, though english i got a 89 and am still perplexed why they couldn't just curve it to an A instead of a B+. A B+ is like "if you would have pushed it a little harder you could have gotten an A".

Summer for me now has officially started. I think i will relax these lazy summer days, enjoy the simple things while i am home, read a book or two. It's sad. Every summer i say i am going to read the "GREATS", five days later i am sprawled out on the floor reading a magazine or worse.

Goodnight. Until Tomorrow.

Beckett

There are no hidden places.

I know. I shouldn't be writing on vacation. But writing is my vacation so...

I am kind of overwhelmed by the number of family members here.

I am also overwhelmed by the fact that out of the three of us "kids" I am the responsible one.

In the past three days I have been the:

Coookie Maker
Baby Seat Fixer
Internet Provider
Babysitter
Cleaner
Driver
Fixer of doors
Opener of doors
Shopper
Photographer
Film Critic
Fixer of bad Photos....

there are three more days and i have yet to be Beckett Hughes. I can't even go to a place to escape the Cinderella load.

There is no fairy godmother or prince charming. There is just me juggling numerous amounts of responsibilty on Summer Vacation.

It actaully hasn't been that bad though. As long as i can get a few moments of peace and quiet.

The whole gang is back together which i guess is why it is so hectic. How do you manage in three days to look back fondly on what spent 7 years to make just right.

It's weird, and lovely, and kind of so wrong it's right. Even though i'd rather be on Vacay with Chevy Chase and his family at this point.

I think someone is calling my name, apparently you can add exterminator to the list. My brother ran like a girl when he saw the biggest bug in the garage. We are waiting for our grandmother to go to sleep so we( and by we i mean me) can hunt it down and kill it, she kind of thinks we are going in the garage to wreck havok on her washer machine so we have to wait.

Tomorrow the beach.

Beckett

SUDOKU!!!!

Tomorrow morning we are headed off to my grandmothers house. Being home has been one big adjustment. Unlike being 2 hours away i cannot just hide away in my own room after talking to my mom on the phone. Instead i have to be a lively participatant. There has not been much resting since i got back. The cats follow me everywhere and we have spent more time preparing to go to my grandmothers house then anything else.

Though i like being home, i realize how much i want a place of my own to return to and find solace in. There are just some things in this house that drive me crazy, and that unfortunately i can't escape from. Like my brothers friends who are always here, and that my name is always being called to do, see, or take something. I guess i miss the silence. I guess i miss having my own personal space.

IN the last two days though i have been pondering what i should minor in. I think the whole minor thing is actually pretty important. It's like a backup for the backup. My mom suggested that i should minor in something that requires me to write...Journalism perhaps. Next year will unfortunately be buckle down year and i will have no other choice but to deal with the endless possibilities i have been avoiding or having problem resolving for so long. Hopefully i will have resolved them by this summer.

At this point when i look into what the future holds me for, all i know is that i want to BE somebody. It seems so general to write; but in all honesty when i think about what i will do when i "grow up" it is that i can be somebody. I can make some impact in whatever i'm doing. I'd still like to think i had the little girl dreams of growing up and impacting something or someone.

i have this summer to figure that all out. Until then it is time to just relax and not think of anything except enjoying the next few weeks until summer school.

So to relax i went to the bookstore, of course, and found....SUDOKU!!!!. Now i'm not a crossword person. I'm so bad at those things it is not even funny. Give me a crossword and i will most likely discard it somewhere.

I remember there was an episode of the simpsons ,i think, where Lisa was trying to solve a puzzle that everyone but her got, and of course this drove her crazy cause she was the smart one.

Well that exactly why i don't do crosswords because i am that girl who gets frustrated and starts erasing and possibly cursing over the crosswords. That was until i stumbled on...SUDOKU!!!

It's a crossword with numbers, which is weird cause i hate numbers, and yet i am addicted. 1) the name is just awesome...SUDOKU and 2) i feel all smart doing it. I recommend it for the bored crossword puzzler in all of you.

Mike wrote me and said that he missed his Chem Final. Though it was kind of boring without him in any of my classes(who else did i have to laugh at), i fear that he may not make it to next year. I think there is like some number of classes that you can fail, and if any of my calculations are correct he's bording on 5 failed courses.

Poor kid, i wished him a good summer and hoped that the professor will let him make it up. Which is pretty doubtful but what else was i suppose to say.

I have packing to do. I was suppose to do this earlier but i manage to procrastinate even at home. I'll pack after an episode of medium. MOLLY RINGWALD is in it. My favorite 80's star.

Adios.