My computer is still broke. Best buy was suppose to have finished it this week but they are giving me the run around. Sorry I cannot write more, I am stuck at the library because I am useless without a computer. Hopefully I will have my computer in the next few days. I have so much to write about now that I have the time to do it. I have not disappeared but I literally have no computer to write anything down with. I miss writing entries. Fingers crossed for some good computer news in the next few days.
Beck
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Leaving Prematurely
So today is the day I have been dreading. In less then 4 hours I will be in a cab headed to the airport.
I prematurely said goodbye to my Aunt and Michelle (I teared up with this goodbye) though I still have a note to pen to my aunt, telling her how much fun I had here and that in the future (august) I may (will) need a place to stay until I find an apartment. Grad school is out folks and I have to move on.
Everything people say about New York is true. This place is a fucking hard place to live. It's expensive, the people are tough, and sometimes you wonder what it's all for. What's the point of struggling so hard for nothing more than being able to say that you live here. But outside of the down points, this place is amazing. I dread leaving (even though I will return soon) because this place has tested me more than I could have ever asked for.
I've actually made friends, I actually don't hate my life, and for once I am comfortable with being completely uncomfortable. I am not the same person who moved up here a year ago. This is neither a bad or good thing. I am just altered by my experience and grateful for all of it. I know I am writing as if I am never coming back to this place. In all honesty I am just sad that my life is going to be on hold for a good month.
I've staked my claim here, and determined that this is a place I want to be. Be it a year or more. Time to finish packing. I also have to return some very late library books. Bitches are going to kill me for keeping their books out for a few more days. I wanted to finish up the Virgin Suicides...which is an amazing book.
I will be sans computer (for real) until next week. Best Buy said it would take 3 weeks until my computer is returned to me, and it's only been 2.
Until Then
Becks
I prematurely said goodbye to my Aunt and Michelle (I teared up with this goodbye) though I still have a note to pen to my aunt, telling her how much fun I had here and that in the future (august) I may (will) need a place to stay until I find an apartment. Grad school is out folks and I have to move on.
Everything people say about New York is true. This place is a fucking hard place to live. It's expensive, the people are tough, and sometimes you wonder what it's all for. What's the point of struggling so hard for nothing more than being able to say that you live here. But outside of the down points, this place is amazing. I dread leaving (even though I will return soon) because this place has tested me more than I could have ever asked for.
I've actually made friends, I actually don't hate my life, and for once I am comfortable with being completely uncomfortable. I am not the same person who moved up here a year ago. This is neither a bad or good thing. I am just altered by my experience and grateful for all of it. I know I am writing as if I am never coming back to this place. In all honesty I am just sad that my life is going to be on hold for a good month.
I've staked my claim here, and determined that this is a place I want to be. Be it a year or more. Time to finish packing. I also have to return some very late library books. Bitches are going to kill me for keeping their books out for a few more days. I wanted to finish up the Virgin Suicides...which is an amazing book.
I will be sans computer (for real) until next week. Best Buy said it would take 3 weeks until my computer is returned to me, and it's only been 2.
Until Then
Becks
Monday, June 15, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
Leaving is Hard to Do
I am about to go to the post office to mail some of my stuff 'home'. Working at the bookstore means that I now have a collection of books I have not yet read but of course plan to read before who knows when. Literally I have 20 or so new novels lying around. I have read about 4 of them completely. My mom is eager for me to start sending my things home, but I've slacked on that.
This moving shit is no fun. Yesterday my co-worker (and friend) walked me half way home, and I realized as we strolled down the street, that I never want to leave this place. In between our conversation about Heroes and the nickname I have been given at work (Penny. From Inspector Gadget), I was consumed by dread. That once again I have to leave a place just at the moment when things are looking up. And all I could think about on the way home was that I don't want to leave. Not now anyway. For once, my life is not perfect but it isn't completely horrible. I am creating something here. I have started construction on my life and I don't want to leave right when the foundation is being put up.
I don't know what to think about being home for 6 weeks. I am happy to go but not all too thrilled because I know while I am there I will want to escape back to my life here. And I am hoping that not too much changes when I come back. I want to start off right where I left with no major setbacks and roadblocks. Because in all honesty that's what happens when you leave. You come back and nothing was the way you left it, and you have to figure out where you left off.
I am desperately going to miss being here. I am going to miss my friends and even my job. I am going to miss feeling like things are going in my favor for once. I am going to miss my life, the life I don't completely hate.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
The Mysteries of Pittsburgh
So I sent my computer home yesterday. My heart breaks in agony. Okay it's wasn't that dramatic but there is something about being without a computer that is very unnerving. I asked my mom yesterday what people use to do before the whole Internet thing. There was a moment of silence, followed by a laugh: We went outside.
Makes sense to me.
Hopefully it will be fixed before I get home. The last day has been hard enough and I couldn't imagine a whole summer sans computer. I would actually have to find ways to entertain myself without youtube. It doesn't seem right.
I bought my ticket yesterday. So in two weeks I will be home, in my bed, planning my way back here. I can't mention it enough that I do not like Small Town USA. I mean sometimes I get that weird yearning for the peace of quiet there, but soon after I am instantly smacked back into reality and my memories of small town living remind me that I never want to live there again. Seriously.
Marie still lives in the region of our adolescent days and she is miserable there. When we talk it's constantly about the mentality of people and how she feels trap there. Trapped only because she could never do what I'm doing. She has said this to me. She could never just wander around and try to figure out what she wants to do with her life. She could never just get a bookstore job and bum at her relatives until something good comes her way. And because of this she remains at her crappy 'real person' job that she hates because taking a risk on your life is too scary.
The other day she was telling me about a new intern she has. She sent me a text message first. It was a quick 'hot new intern. call you later' message. When she did call me she quickly said that hot new intern has been demoted from hotness because she heard him making some off colored remarks about women and minorities. We now dub him the Nazi, and by her description we are talking serious supporter of the Nazi party.
This was sort of aggravating because I continue to believe that Marie is one of the smartest person I know and yet she continues to be miserable with her life because she is too afraid to change her situation. Yes the economy is bad. Yes getting a job sucks. But she has been in that town for a year, and has yet to make any friends and has yet to be comfortable in the life she has there. And if it were me, I would get the f*ck out of there, build a life for myself somewhere else before she really gets trapped there.
I asked her some questions about the Nazi: what she plans to do with him, has she reminded him that he is only an intern and that sort of discussion will not be tolerated in the work place. She didn't really say anything. She said that she brought it up to him and said that in the future she would write him up but that was it. She then wanted to talk about how she can make his life a living hell while he interns there. I sort of didn't want to talk about that because this has not been the first (nor will it be the last time) time she has brought up her dislike for Small Town USA. That she meets guys and girls like the intern on a daily basis.
I wanted to talk instead about her seriously looking for a job out west (where she has talked about living), about getting a job that she likes that can also pay the bills (she's a pig farmer or something like that) but the more and more I kept bringing this up to her the more she kept changing the subject.
At one point her only friend (Jake) called while we were talking and she said she would call me back. She wanted to discuss the intern with him because Jake and her use to work together before he got promoted. I was purchasing my tickets at the time so I said it was cool if she called me back. She must have had a crappy conversation with him because when she did call me again she was pissed that I wanted to take the train home (planes freak me out).
Yes. Pissed. Because I told her that I finally purchased my train tickets. Bitch went crazy after this. Why are you taking the train? Trains are stupid? You're stupid for wanting to sit on a train for god knows how many hours just because you have an irrational fear of planes (not all planes just the small ones I am always riding on!)? I can't believe you man, that's just ridiculous. How are you ever going to visit all those countries you talk about if you don't want to take a plane? I guess we are never going anywhere any way.
Dude. WTF? At first I didn't really understand what the hell she was talking about. I mean I am the one paying for the ticket. And I am in no rush to get home. So after her tirade I made some excuse so I could get off the phone with her. What a crazy bitch. But then I realized the train/plane thing wasn't the real issue.
Marie and I have always had this weird friendship. In college she rarely called me. I mean when I say I was a loner in college this doesn't exclude Marie. It's not that she ditched me, it's just that she had other friends and I was just the go too. Our friendship is competitive. If we are both having horrible/miserable lives, then we talk. But when ones life is not as miserable, then we want to chastise or find fault in it. I mean I was jealous when she got a boyfriend, and now she continues to criticize my life as some Reality Bites movie. That this is not the way a 23 year old should be living.
And I realized the moment I return to Small Town USA, is the moment we are back on that same playing ground. Where we are both slightly miserable together. And I think she takes great offense when I talk about not wanting to come home because that place and our friendship is different. Not in a bad way but just in a "believe it or not we aren't Middle School anymore" way. Yeah my life is far from perfect, but I like whatever I am building here. It's the reason why come August 1st I have to find my way back. Despite Marie and even my moms desire to have me home.
So, we haven't talked in a few days, which I think is weird because this means that she is mad at me because her life sucks. Who knows. I can't explain it. But I sort of worry about her. I worry that she thinks I am coming back to make things better, which I am not.
Anyway
I am reading some Michael Chabon (hence the post title). He sort of reminds me of every teacher I've ever had a crush on up until college. I don't hate the book, the writing is good but I keep searching for a plot. His description of Pittsburgh is funny and sad. I am hoping that it will grab me at some point. I won't abandon ship until I am completely submerged in crap.
Time for work.
Becks
P.S Oh yeah. I am using my aunts computer. Which means I have to wait until everyone leaves and jump on this thing when I have the chance. I miss my computer so much.
Makes sense to me.
Hopefully it will be fixed before I get home. The last day has been hard enough and I couldn't imagine a whole summer sans computer. I would actually have to find ways to entertain myself without youtube. It doesn't seem right.
I bought my ticket yesterday. So in two weeks I will be home, in my bed, planning my way back here. I can't mention it enough that I do not like Small Town USA. I mean sometimes I get that weird yearning for the peace of quiet there, but soon after I am instantly smacked back into reality and my memories of small town living remind me that I never want to live there again. Seriously.
Marie still lives in the region of our adolescent days and she is miserable there. When we talk it's constantly about the mentality of people and how she feels trap there. Trapped only because she could never do what I'm doing. She has said this to me. She could never just wander around and try to figure out what she wants to do with her life. She could never just get a bookstore job and bum at her relatives until something good comes her way. And because of this she remains at her crappy 'real person' job that she hates because taking a risk on your life is too scary.
The other day she was telling me about a new intern she has. She sent me a text message first. It was a quick 'hot new intern. call you later' message. When she did call me she quickly said that hot new intern has been demoted from hotness because she heard him making some off colored remarks about women and minorities. We now dub him the Nazi, and by her description we are talking serious supporter of the Nazi party.
This was sort of aggravating because I continue to believe that Marie is one of the smartest person I know and yet she continues to be miserable with her life because she is too afraid to change her situation. Yes the economy is bad. Yes getting a job sucks. But she has been in that town for a year, and has yet to make any friends and has yet to be comfortable in the life she has there. And if it were me, I would get the f*ck out of there, build a life for myself somewhere else before she really gets trapped there.
I asked her some questions about the Nazi: what she plans to do with him, has she reminded him that he is only an intern and that sort of discussion will not be tolerated in the work place. She didn't really say anything. She said that she brought it up to him and said that in the future she would write him up but that was it. She then wanted to talk about how she can make his life a living hell while he interns there. I sort of didn't want to talk about that because this has not been the first (nor will it be the last time) time she has brought up her dislike for Small Town USA. That she meets guys and girls like the intern on a daily basis.
I wanted to talk instead about her seriously looking for a job out west (where she has talked about living), about getting a job that she likes that can also pay the bills (she's a pig farmer or something like that) but the more and more I kept bringing this up to her the more she kept changing the subject.
At one point her only friend (Jake) called while we were talking and she said she would call me back. She wanted to discuss the intern with him because Jake and her use to work together before he got promoted. I was purchasing my tickets at the time so I said it was cool if she called me back. She must have had a crappy conversation with him because when she did call me again she was pissed that I wanted to take the train home (planes freak me out).
Yes. Pissed. Because I told her that I finally purchased my train tickets. Bitch went crazy after this. Why are you taking the train? Trains are stupid? You're stupid for wanting to sit on a train for god knows how many hours just because you have an irrational fear of planes (not all planes just the small ones I am always riding on!)? I can't believe you man, that's just ridiculous. How are you ever going to visit all those countries you talk about if you don't want to take a plane? I guess we are never going anywhere any way.
Dude. WTF? At first I didn't really understand what the hell she was talking about. I mean I am the one paying for the ticket. And I am in no rush to get home. So after her tirade I made some excuse so I could get off the phone with her. What a crazy bitch. But then I realized the train/plane thing wasn't the real issue.
Marie and I have always had this weird friendship. In college she rarely called me. I mean when I say I was a loner in college this doesn't exclude Marie. It's not that she ditched me, it's just that she had other friends and I was just the go too. Our friendship is competitive. If we are both having horrible/miserable lives, then we talk. But when ones life is not as miserable, then we want to chastise or find fault in it. I mean I was jealous when she got a boyfriend, and now she continues to criticize my life as some Reality Bites movie. That this is not the way a 23 year old should be living.
And I realized the moment I return to Small Town USA, is the moment we are back on that same playing ground. Where we are both slightly miserable together. And I think she takes great offense when I talk about not wanting to come home because that place and our friendship is different. Not in a bad way but just in a "believe it or not we aren't Middle School anymore" way. Yeah my life is far from perfect, but I like whatever I am building here. It's the reason why come August 1st I have to find my way back. Despite Marie and even my moms desire to have me home.
So, we haven't talked in a few days, which I think is weird because this means that she is mad at me because her life sucks. Who knows. I can't explain it. But I sort of worry about her. I worry that she thinks I am coming back to make things better, which I am not.
Anyway
I am reading some Michael Chabon (hence the post title). He sort of reminds me of every teacher I've ever had a crush on up until college. I don't hate the book, the writing is good but I keep searching for a plot. His description of Pittsburgh is funny and sad. I am hoping that it will grab me at some point. I won't abandon ship until I am completely submerged in crap.
Time for work.
Becks
P.S Oh yeah. I am using my aunts computer. Which means I have to wait until everyone leaves and jump on this thing when I have the chance. I miss my computer so much.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Geek Squad
My computer is dying.
Yep. So I've had this PC for 3 years. I had to get it because my other one literally shut down. The screen faded to black never to see the light of day again. Luckily my mom had the money to buy me a new one and for the last 3 years this computer has had several problems. First the adapter caught on fire, than the new adapter broke, and now in a weird turn of events my computer screen is about to fall off and it is literally being held up by library books. No lie.
I cannot explain how this happened. It's too long of a story. I believe that Michelle was playing near my computer (because I use to keep it out when I was gone) and it fell on the floor. This caused the piece that holds the screen together to break...hence my dilemma. I didn't believe this to be a problem until recently. My computer is overheating and now shuts down and yesterday I noticed video playback and general sound was a little delayed. Fuck me all to hell.
I have a warranty but believe it or not it is up June 9th. This means that my computer has to go to geek squad now in order for it to get fixed. Unfortunately I am leaving in 2 weeks, so I've decided to mail my computer home so it can get fixed there. I won't have to worry about being able to pick it up if it's there.
I will be without my computer for a few weeks (damn) but hopefully I will be able to use my aunt's or at least go to the library to use one. I have no choice but to send my baby off because I can't afford to wait and renew my warranty which would cost me a hefty $370. Can't afford that.
How did we ever live without computers. It seems completely unbearable these days. My writing may be a little sparse here for a while but I promise I'll be around.
Oh, and I got an internship for September. I emailed the Bridgeport lady and told her I would be open to interning with them in the fall (even though I didn't get the job). A few hours later she said that would be perfect. And there you have it. Hopefully this means life for me is starting to look up. I hope
Until then
Becks
Yep. So I've had this PC for 3 years. I had to get it because my other one literally shut down. The screen faded to black never to see the light of day again. Luckily my mom had the money to buy me a new one and for the last 3 years this computer has had several problems. First the adapter caught on fire, than the new adapter broke, and now in a weird turn of events my computer screen is about to fall off and it is literally being held up by library books. No lie.
I cannot explain how this happened. It's too long of a story. I believe that Michelle was playing near my computer (because I use to keep it out when I was gone) and it fell on the floor. This caused the piece that holds the screen together to break...hence my dilemma. I didn't believe this to be a problem until recently. My computer is overheating and now shuts down and yesterday I noticed video playback and general sound was a little delayed. Fuck me all to hell.
I have a warranty but believe it or not it is up June 9th. This means that my computer has to go to geek squad now in order for it to get fixed. Unfortunately I am leaving in 2 weeks, so I've decided to mail my computer home so it can get fixed there. I won't have to worry about being able to pick it up if it's there.
I will be without my computer for a few weeks (damn) but hopefully I will be able to use my aunt's or at least go to the library to use one. I have no choice but to send my baby off because I can't afford to wait and renew my warranty which would cost me a hefty $370. Can't afford that.
How did we ever live without computers. It seems completely unbearable these days. My writing may be a little sparse here for a while but I promise I'll be around.
Oh, and I got an internship for September. I emailed the Bridgeport lady and told her I would be open to interning with them in the fall (even though I didn't get the job). A few hours later she said that would be perfect. And there you have it. Hopefully this means life for me is starting to look up. I hope
Until then
Becks
Monday, June 01, 2009
Virgin Suicides.
Sorry for the small text. I sort of like it. It reflects my mood in a weird way. I feel sort of small and I want to hide under the covers, preferably because it's warm there.
You' d be embarrassed to know how I have been spending my time. It is neither productive or glamorous but nonetheless very relaxing. In two weeks I head home. Indefinitely that is. I let my bosses know this Saturday after having a hard time telling my manager Paul on Thursday.
Paul is the most amazing manager ever. He is fun and energetic and we like working with him because he doesn't give us a hard time. As Angie said "he knows we are at the bottom of the food chain and yet he treats us like a human being". Paul and I started working at the bookstore the same week. He keeps bringing this up because whenever we have the 'pleasure' of closing the store on a particularly horrid Saturday night , he looks at how messy the store is and turns to me for a game plan: 'we are in this together, partners in a non crime' he says and then we bumped fists like the obama's and get the store clean.
So I figured because we generally like each other, that he would be the easiest person to break the news too. I mean I had my excuse all planned out: 'so..a couple of weeks ago I applied to this writing workshop. It's starts june 22nd which means that I would be gone for about 6 weeks". In my head it sounded like a solid story, better than the truth (my cousin is home for the summer and is complaining about not having a room to sleep in so I kind of have to head home for awhile just until he leaves and I can beg my aunt to let me stay with her for a little while longer)
But for some reason, I couldn't get the lie out of my mouth. Every time I had the perfect opportunity to tell him I bailed. I would start with "so...Paul..." and then ask him a stupid question because the words I wanted to say wouldn't come out. By the end of the night I managed to tell him that I had something coming up soon that would affect my employment there for the summer. He seemed cool with it only because I didn't really explain I wouldn't be in the area for 6 weeks.
On Saturday before I could even psych myself out, I told the first manager I saw that I had a 6 week commitment. She looked worried, concerned and sad but I assured her that I would be back before they even knew it (which I hope to god is true!). I had to give them the dates I will be MIA for and also schedule a return date. We are shooting for August 9th. For real.
I am happy and apprehensive about heading home. I am happy that I won't have to eat frozen food anymore. That I will have a full size bed to sleep in and a lot of free time on my hands to write. My mom will be there, and my brother too and it will be nice to just have some family time with my family.
I am apprehensive about getting trapped there. That come August my aunt will not accept my plea to stay with her a little longer. I need to come back. Believe it or not the jobs are here, even if I am not fairing well in that department. The internships are here too and I am leaning towards another production company because it sort of rocked when it didn't suck.
I have too many things to think about. So many things that sleep is a luxury these days. I usually get to sleep easy, as soon as my head hits the pillow. But it's not so easy these days. There are minutes that go by of complete nothingness where I'm starring at the wall or up at the ceiling just trying to remember how to breathe.
Because of this anxiety, I am very nostalgic these days (the embarrassing but relaxing part of my life). I have been youtubing like crazy. I am going through a list of memories that unfold with each episode of some show I use to watch when I was younger. And in a way I am hoping not to relive those times but capture the essence of them. There is something about listening to "Always Be My Baby" (circa 1996) and thinking 'when the hell did i like Mariah Carey' and then remembering that I only liked her because I thought this song (at the time) captured my relationship with Nicholas (the first of my pedestal boys).
Old Nick shows are pretty much taking up my days. Bet you don't remember 'The Tomorrow People' (I've asked around no one seems to remember this show except my incredibly tv saavy friend)..I do. It was one of my favorite shows when it first came out. I think it was cancelled by the end of the first season but I loved (loved) this show and something about seeing it again soothes me.
It's geeky I know but as I continue to have no idea about the fate of future or what is in store for me, I know that my past is definite. That though the memories may be foggy they existed in some weird way. That there was this time when I was a happy functioning person yearning to grow up so I could become a happy functioning person yearning to continue on.
I'm just saying.
Time to get ready for work. Next week is employee appreciation week and we get 40% off books. I am going to buy 2 summer totes (for my mom and I) and get some old favs and new books. Recently I have noticed a lot of teenagers asking for Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides. Every two days some adolescent girl strolls in with her cargo shorts and hobo bag wondering if we have any copies of the book. It's a little weird. I remember reading this book when I was a teenager too but only because the movie was coming out at the time and there was something angelic about Kirsten Dunst on the cover.
I don't remember the book having a profound affect on me. It was good but nothing more. I guess at the time I didn't understand the scope of the narrative. I'd like to re-read it though, if only to see why it seems like some textual go to for girls-on-the-verge. I mean for 40% off it's pretty much a steal.
T o the bookstore I go. What a long post.
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