A Nation of Fear

I have an admirer at work. He is a usual. Some one who comes in to the bookstore so much he minus well have a cot in the break room and make a home for himself there.

A couple of a months ago I was walking down the aisle when said admirer asked me for help. He was trying to find a history book (American Riffles) that he wanted to purchase for his friend. We didn't have the book in stock so I said I could order him a copy and it would come in the store in a few days. During this time we chatted about everything. He was sort of smitten with me because I spoke well and was eager to help him. I was curious about him because he liked history. Did I mention that he is older then my mom. I should have mentioned that. He is well in his 60's but looked pretty young for his age.

As we were talking he seemed convinced that I was this bright intelligent person. I don't know where he got that idea from. He kept complementing and telling me that if he was 40 years younger he would be the happiest man in the world having known me. And all the jazz. It was very flattering and after I completed his order we wished each other goodbye.

A few days later his book came in, and once again there was this weird flirtation thing. Mainly him complementing me and me trying not to get all embarrassed. When he left he talked about me to the guys in the music department. I know this only because they told me about it later on. He gushed about me. Said I was goddess (Swear.To.Bob) and that he wished he was young enough to date me. It was weird but nice and that day I got a prize from my managers because of my superb customer service! All in all he is a really nice guy. Maybe a little lovestruck but you need that every once in a while.

So after about a month (or two) he strolls into today out of the blue. They put me up at the cash register (which I hate) today and I was literally daydreaming when I heard someone call my name. When I looked up, it was him. The nice but slightly weird older guy. He said that he hadn't seen me in a while and that he was happy to run into me. Not use to this type of a attention I am sort of happy to see him too. Not because I have any interest in the old guy but it's nice having someone interested in you. Now, the old guy is weird on many levels. When I talked to him that first day he sort of was going on and on about the 60's. Apparently he was a hippie and times have changed since the peace and love generation. He wanted me to know this, because even though I am 23 he knew that I was an old soul and understood everything that he was talking about.

Then he started talking about his fears of the present day. Which wasn't totally unusual because well...it's been a rough couple of years. But when I saw him today and listened to him go on and on again about the economic crisis, global warming and as he put it 'the end of civilization as we know it' I started to think that maybe the guy who has a crush on me, the guy who is a very attractive older man (that I could and would never date) could be a little bit crazy. Or paranoid. Or a survivalist?!?!

I am leaning towards a survivalist because then he started talking about having to arm ourselves when it got too bad and civilization collapsed all together. I listened quietly, voiced some superficial concerns and became captivated by how he transferred his fear unto me. It was not just about him anymore but about me and how I would have to live through this shit because I am young and yadda yadda. It was weird, how paranoid and pessimistic he was about life and about the future. And if I was a gullible person I would have been like 'yeah. times are tough take me to your weird cabin in the woods where we will survive off of berries and crazy manifestos'.

But I'm not gullible. And I am not really into eating berries, so I just wished him and his survivalist self a good day. After this encounter I had a few more conversations with customers who were voicing their opinions on the state of the world. And I realized that we as a nation, as a society are guided by our fears. We live by them. There isn't a day that goes by where we aren't bombarded with news coverage on a new epidemic or economic crisis that threatens the way we live our lives. And though these are legit concerns I don't think we should be building bomb shelters yet or colonizing in the woods waiting for the big one to come.

I don't know. This irks me for some reason. That fear governs our perceptions. That we are a terrified nation or generation instead of a resilient one. I am reading a lot of Bret Easton Ellis these days (totally finished Less Than Zero, now working on Rules of Attraction) and I often contemplate how to define the generation that I am apart of. And in a weird way, it's a generation defined by fear, terrified into inactivity, and just waiting for the rug to be pulled from under us.

I'd rather not live my life that way. It's just not for me.

Anyway. I emailed lenny today and put in my two week notice. I will have been there for almost 5 months and I feel like this is the right time for me to make my exit. I have done all that I can do and in a small way I appreciate my time there. But the end (not in the weird apocalyptic way) is coming. I mean I can feel it at my job and at my aunts house too. That I am transitioning into a new phase and slowing wishing this place goodbye. It doesn't feel so bad. It actually feels quite right. That there is this change coming, this window that is open only for a small period of time that will whisk me away to my new adventure. And if I don't step through it, if I don't utilize this opening now....then I will never have known my full potential.

Time for bed. I have a long day tomorrow. I need to take more pictures of the city. It's a beautiful place that I will miss.

"She Waits, Seething, Blooming"

I think I should title all my entries after stories (short and novel lenght) that I am reading these days. They are way more interesting then the ones I come up with on my own.

It's going to be 90 degrees here. OMG! I am on-call today which means I either get to sit in or near the sun and read a book all day OR go to work and sweat to death in a building that does not have air conditioning. Though I desperately need the hours (and money!) , I am hoping for the lounging day. I have my book already picked out (Less Than Zero) I already have my drink made (ice cold lemonade) and I have claimed my spot (any and everywhere).

Work has been crazy lately and my hours are being slashed drastically. Next week I am clocking in...count em'...TEN hours. This will not help me in any way, shape or form. I can't help but take a personal offense to the slashing of my hours, especially when I look at everyone else's. I mean everyone is suffering but at the end of the day I am the only one working 2 days next week. I know it has nothing to do with my job performance and more to do with the fact that I haven't complained about needing more hours or having huge financial responsibilities. I take my hours in stride part grateful that I have them and ambivalent towards not having them. But at the same time I would like to make money and working TEN HOURS sort of deprives me of that.

Angie may have told a co-worker that I plan on leaving at the end of may. On Sunday I came into work and Linda (a very nosey person) asked me why I was planning to leave?!?!?!. This sort of took me aback because I hadn't talk to anyone about this except Angie and I hate putting something out there that may or may not be true. I told her I wasn't sure, I have some waiting to do before I can make any sort of decision like that. But she looked sad. And spent the whole day hanging around me as if i was quiting that day.

My Uncle says plans are stupid. And though I do not like agreeing with him... he has a point. Plans never work out the way you want them too and because of this I have scaled back on the planing aspect of my life. That's what happened when I came here. I planned on becoming an editorial assistant, commuting from New Haven to New York. I planned on getting a car and staying with my aunt for a few months until I got settled. Clearly that did not work out. I had to adjust the plans quickly maybe for the better maybe not. In that sense I am sort of pissed that Angie talked to someone about a plan not even set in stone. That now it is forcing something into action. I don't want people asking questions about when I plan on leaving or why I plan on grad school working out. I literally am refusing to make any intricate plans outside of what will I do today or what book/short story should I read or write.

Thinking beyond that is too much for me. It's just too much. I want to enjoy whatever time i have left here. I will start that enjoyment by having a nice reading day. Enough said.

" I'm Going Going, Back-Back, to Cali Cali!"

Angie is officially moving back to Kansas this Wednesday. Argh!!!

After struggling to make it in this place for a whole year, things just haven't panned out in her favor. She lost her job in November, got a job at the Bookstore in December but has been unable to find anything to help her pay for rent, food, and sanity.

She has seriously been my BFF here, and often times we talk about how easy it was for us to just be friends. After training her the first day at work, we quickly decided we liked each other. I think we may have even said "so, we are like friends now?" "yeah, pretty much". Ever since then we have hung out, had a amazing academic and life discussions, laughed our asses off, and bitched. At this point I couldn't imagine the last few months without her. I mean we threw an Obama Party with cupcakes and chips. Amazing!

A part of me is sad that my only friend is leaving. I mean I know a lot of people here and I am not going to be lonely without her. But it will be different. Our late night drives have come to a close and no more eating out at all those damn restaurants (I'm okay with this one. My wallet has suffered because of this). But that part of me that is sad is very slim. I know that Angie and I will be friends for life, and because of this I am not so distraught. She is moving back with her parents while she waits to hear from two jobs that she has applied and interviewed for.

She went to school for library science, so she is applying to places that need an archivist (her official title). In a surprising turn some weeks ago a job she half heartily applied to, NB-Motherf*cking-C!, called about a potential job offer. The position is located in Los Angeles (which she wasn't initially a fan of but that quickly changed) and she would get to do archiving work for NBC. The other job is in DC, but in comparing the two positions and location....Los Angeles is just way cooler.

I have been in a Bret Easton Ellis mood lately. Which is weird because I have never read Bret Easton Ellis and after having read a book by him a Bret Ellis mood could mean a lot of things. I usually do not read books that are being turned into movies. If I wasn't interested in the book before I don't see the draw of reading it when a movie comes out on the book. It's just not my thing. But for some reason I have been drawn to The Informers. I have no intention of seeing the movie but I figured the book would be a great introduction to him ( I don't know if I can read American Psycho yet or ever). And let's just say...I love the book. Every chapter is a new character interconnected with other characters. They are raw, honest, and products of a shallow and unforgiving society. I love it. I love everything about it. And now I am in a weird California mood. I want to lounge on a beach, read, write, wear sandals and wallow in the bane of my own existence for a while. I couldn't do that every day, but it would be a grand vacation.

So when Angie told me about California, I was all on that idea. She had the interview on Tuesday and should she get another in person interview, Cali might be her new destination which would be awesome because then I would have a friend to visit in California. I am very excited for her.

As for me, no news yet. I have decided to do some of that breathing stuff and take it one day at a time. This grad school, plan A, worry here worry there thing, is making me forget about my sense of adventure. That i want a cool and interesting and fulfilling life. I want to take a lot of risks, I want to see everything and I have to keep that in mind. That the fine shade of gray that I am straddling is not so bad. It could be where I find myself or lose myself or figure myself out. And what's so wrong with that.

I am starting Glamorama today (and also Child of my Heart by Alice McDermott). I am still in a reading frenzy, which is kind of relaxing. I've decided to do some clothes shopping today (because the weather is hot and I still have only sweaters to wear) and maybe grab some lemonade for my day. This California state of mind is working (for now) I minus well ride the high while I can.

Dear Dr. Seuss

...the 'waiting place' sucks. I just wanted to remind you.

-Becks-

Unsettled....

I'm nervous. Very nervous.

As I mentioned, my grad school shit is done. Last Saturday I mailed off everything to my Alma mater. It was last minute of course. The application was due April 15th (Wednesday) I finished my story around April 8th, and then spent a few days revising and being very particular about stuff.

Though I have been very apprehensive about grad school, and have told myself several times not to put all my eggs in one basket...in all honesty I need this plan to work out. I don't know what I would do with myself for another year. I obviously can't stay in New York ( working at the bookstore and living with my aunt) I don't want to live with my mom for a year in small town USA, but I don't know if I can find a well paying job to live on my own for a while in another state. At least in school, I will have two more years to strengthen my weaknesses, network, and make up for my slack undergraduate career. I also won't have to worry about loan payments or worse....budgeting to the max.

I should hear something back soon. Probably the beginning of may. They will mail my acceptance or rejection letter to my moms house and then....who knows.

I am very antsy because I know a change is coming. I just don't know where this change will take me. Sometimes I am completely confident. Even if I don't get into grad school I know I am smart enough, bright enough, and strong enough to try my hand at something else. But some days, like today, I am apprehensive. Unsettled. A huge mess. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know if I am brave enough to conquer the "real world" and I want to take a huge break from it all. I want to fold into myself and stay enclosed until I an strong enough to return. That could take days, weeks, or even months. Just to recuperate and try again.

I talked to my dad the other day. It's been 2 months. I did not even try to make up excuses as to why I hadn't called him in a while. I have been a very busy person. I can barely find the time to relax. But he didn't care about any of that. He wanted to know if I was okay. That not knowing is worse than anything. We talked for a while and I heard some of the same things over and over again. But at the part where he expresses that he wants only for me to be 'happy in life", he neglected to say that. Instead he said he wanted me to take as many risks as i can and to not let fear get in my way.

????

I think he might be a psychic. The real world sucks. I mean there is nothing glamorous about it. But at the same time, whether I go to grad school or not, I have to continue to make a life for myself. That is proving to be the hardest thing of all. I try to not think about it sometimes just so I can give myself a rest.

Anyway. Enough of that for now.

There has been quite a shake up a work. The Janitor was fired. Hours are being cut so drastically I feel a mutiny coming. Angie's last day is Thursday. Every one's super tense and attacking one another with verbal quips. When it's fun at work, it's fun. When it's not, we all feel it. Yesterday Lisa, someone I usually get along with well, was in a foul mood. She was jumping down every one's throat and taking offense to the stupidest thing. My boss was working at the computer I was standing near and said "Lisa is apparently not talking to me". I asked her why, and she said she didn't know but that she just felt like Lisa was mad at her.

My boss, the vegan from California who wears leather, is awesome. She is super nice and we all call her Sunshine because she is so happy, but not in that annoying way. So to see her upset was weird. And to see Lisa pissed was weird. So I said "I think Lisa's just in a bad mood" I mean sometimes people just don't feel like talking. Lisa was standing right near me as I said this comment and a couple of minutes later she came up to me and said 1) that i read depressing books (because I was going to buy the book 'We need to talk about Kevin) and 2) "Stop going around and telling people that I am in a bad mood. I feel FINE!"

I sort of just shrugged my shoulders as she walked away...clearly in a foul, bad mood. Whatever. I have to let them know, in May, that i leaving soon. I like my co-workers, and sometimes I like my job but I see how easy it is to get trapped there. Especially with some of the fears I have about the next few months. But fear at this point is like stagnation and I'd rather risk it all then settle for comfort.

Time to get ready for work. I am only clocking in 3 days this week. I need to get the F*ck out of this place.

I'm Not Dead...

Just tired.

Very tired. I sent in all my grad school stuff last Saturday, and have spent the better part of my week stressing, de-stressing, a lot of sleeping combined with a lot of reading. I wanted to take time away from writing just so I could re-group and relax.

I have no idea if I will be accepted. It is the only grad school I applied to so I just have to wait and worry. I fluctuate between wanting to go to grad school and not. I wonder if taking some 5 week workshops would teach me all that I need to know. I worry about going back to small town USA for the next two years. I worry about not going back to small town USA and what I will do if I don't get accepted. Maybe I could move to Maine. Who knows. That is how my brain has been working these days.

A real post soon. I promise.

First work, and then hanging out with Angie who is moving back to Kansas in two weeks. My only real friend is leaving. This kind of sucks. The winds of change are a blowing. I don't feel prepared for where it will take me.

Near the End

This song By Pete Yorn (from an album I did not like when I was 15, but that at 23 I cannot stop listening too) has been playing all day as I near the end of my story. Near the end. If you knew what I went through yesterday (more tears, and tantrums) you'd know how far from that reality that was just 24 hours ago.

It has potential. It's not nearly the story I want it to be. But it has potential. And with revision and help, it could be something. Potential. A word that I highlighted in the personal statement I finished today over and over again.

Here's to nearing the end, but not in that all so consuming drowning sort of way. Here's to finishing a story that i don't completely hate. A story that has potential. That's more than I can say about a lot of things these days.

Seeing A Pattern?

I am sending out my grad shit on Thursday. Not that I am any closer to finishing this story then I was last week but I have to send something. And potential is better then blank pages.

As I struggle to finish, I am realizing a sort of pattern. When it comes to story writing and deadlines I may or may not wait until the last minute crying my eyes out at odds hours in the night while I develop severe headaches that make me believe I am having an aneurysm only to realize that it's anxiety preventing me from writing a story and nothing more.

I bought a cool book a few weeks back called A Writer's Space: Make Room to Dream, to Work, to Write. It's actually pretty good. I'm not one for self help books, but this one teaches you about separating your conscious self from your writing self in order to write creatively. I had to read it last night, while I was panicking again because well...I always panic.

I put too much weight into everything and because of this I procrastinate and freak out. Marie and my mom have been a great support as I struggle to finish this story but the truth is they have their reasons for this invested interest in the completion of my story They both want me to be closer to them for a few more years so I can take away some part of their loneliness. Writing of course, again, has become an all too daunting task to think about.

I can't wait til this crap is out of my hands and sent off. But even then, if I get accepted will the next two years be this filled with anxiety? Or will I somehow learn to overcome all my mental road blocks and just learn how to write freely and without all the pressure?

I don't know but a miracle needs to happen in the next two days. That's all I'm saying.