Hey Sandy

Seems living atop a steep hill has it's benefits during severe storm weathers.

Despite the various sorts of catastrophe and awfulness Sandy brought to the NYC/ Tri-state area my neighborhood, for the most part, escaped unscathed. On Sunday I closed at Le Sad store and was told that we'd be closed on Monday due to the hurricane. The University I work for was also closed Monday so instead of preparing for a storm like a responsible human being (buying supplies, charging phone and ipod, securing general safety of my shit) I bough waffles, added movies and shows to my netflix queue and created a playlist for my first day off in a very long time.

Now that I work two jobs my days off are non-existent. I'm either at Le Sad Store slaving away for minimum wage. Or at my other job getting mad paper cuts. While my other job is less stressful than the bookstore it is still a 20 hour a week commitment. Two weeks ago just as i was packing up my things to head home a professor came running into the office with a +1000 page document that needed to be copied (6 times) immediately for a pending court case. I called my manager and asked what I should do. I had to be at Le Sad Store in a few hours and could stay a little while but not the duration of the print job. She apologized for the inconvenience but asked if I could stay just because the nature of the job was important.  I made two hours of over time that night and was 15 minutes late to the bookstore for my closing.

I don't have time for much of anything these days. I am always doing something or planing something or anticipating something. Doctors appointments, socializing, work, reading, boy progress and missteps. I am trying to live in the moment as much as possible but in doing so i am getting lost in the shuffle. The ebb and flow of things around here lately is like a wave. I am being tossed around by the constant rise and fall, roll and thrashing of things. But my head continues to remain above water. I haven't drowned yet.

Next month is looking a little insane. I am going to a baby shower, a birthday party, home for the holidays and possibly bowling if i can convince Sean to go. The boy shit is still very complicated. I have stopped telling Kat about anything that goes on between us because of fears that it is damaging rather than helping the situation. I've been a little more direct with him these last few weeks after the disaster that was the wrestling party. We had a great time up until we got to our friends house and I got stuck sitting next to someone else. He gave me the stank eye for most of the evening and then asked if i would come sit next to him. When i did, I was a little tipsy and full from the food and alcohol. I curled up into his side and took a cat nap. Then the jerk i got stop sicking next to on the other couch decided to sit next to me. Suddenly i was a Beckett sandwich between Sean and this other kid, who i am not attracted too.

I quickly felt uncomfortable. One moment Sean was all "lie next to me" the next moment the other guy (a mutual friend who has admitted to said feelings for me some while back) was like "hey, why don't you lie next to me". I tried to stay as close to Sean as possible but he was getting annoyed and distant. So eventually I sat on the floor and fell asleep on the floor. Yeah, a great night indeed.

Since then i've tried being more direct with him about everything. I like him so fucking much but i want more than just a pretend relationship at work. I want to be someone he thinks about outside of work. Someone he considers. All day yesterday i sent texts to family and friends asking about their well-being. Sean only calls me when he is at work, because he won't give me his cell phone number, and it is usually to talk about something stupid or to apologize. But yesterday like a dumb girl, i hoped that he would call and ask if things were okay in my neighborhood cause I sure as hell wondered how he was doing in the Bronx. But of course,  like most realizations about this boy, I have limited access to him and this is wearing on me. Like everything else in life.

Anyway, I have to open tomorrow and need to get ready for bed. I found the most awesome female Thor outfit this weekend and am filled with regret for not buying it. It fit like a fucking glove and i looked aTHORable. It was 50 bucks though and i still have a few hospital bills to pay off so I am reusing my Buffy the vampire slayer costume this year. I can't go wrong with Buffy i suppose. 

Be Careful of My Heart

Tomorrow the boy and I are going to a mutual friends apartment for a small birthday celebration. It's been a couple of months since we've had an unsupervised moment to ourselves and I am sort of freaking out. I'm sorry to keep going on and on about Sean and my feelings and general anxieties about what to do in this situation. But it is all consuming lately. And because of my inexperience i am, to be honest, terrified.

The last few weeks have been pretty intense between us. While the level of touching and innuendo is a constant, there has been an emotional  shift. I like being around him. I miss him when he is away and while i play it cool around him, i wish often that he would take the lead and tell me what he wants from me. Because he wants something. And while I often think it is just sex, lately it feels like more. Last weekend was extraordinary and awful. I just purchased my tickets to go home for the thanksgiving and i do not know how i am going to handle being home when everything will remind me of Marie. I promised her mom that i would stop by and visit her when i dropped into town, but i am torn about this as well. What will I say to her? What will she say to me?

I am anxious about this because often, when i retrace my memories with Marie, I realize that out of the two of us, I was the one expected not to make it. During our last few weeks of high school before we graduated, i remember multiple teachers coming up to us to ask about our post grad plans. Marie was headed to the popular school nearby, early admission, and was already accepted into their pre-vet program. I was accepted to a small school in Pennsylvania no one had even heard of and was entering as a pre-med student though i was failing physics. But they weren't really curious about our plans outside of high school, they all wanted to know what we were going to do without the other around. And we always laughed the question off because we assumed we would do fine without the other around as we always had. Even if it was just a lie we told ourselves.

Now that she has passed, i understand the weight of the question. They were never directing it to her: the bigger, stronger, brighter of the two. It was always implied that I would struggle to survive without her. And that's a fact that i struggle to deal with everyday. I know that i am important to people. I am grateful every day for being alive. In fact, I feel more alive these days then i have in a very long time. But sometimes, in the darkest of places, I feel guilty as well. I do not understand how my life continues to go on and she isn't here. I am confused by this. I want to pinpoint where it all went to shit and turn the dial back to fix it.  I miss her everyday and I can't believe that i, who has suffered from depression and anxiety and self harm in the past, continues to survive and she didn't.

And worst of all, lately, I desire to belong to people these. I am afraid of being alone. For so long it was just Marie and I and nothing else mattered. But now, i am concerned, petrified, that my life of solitude and isolation is a scarlet letter. That because i have rejected socialization for so long i will never fit in anywhere.
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I admitted some of this to the boy this weekend (the last part obviously was excluded). My words got all stuck in my throat and I started to cry and he looked, as he always does, like he didn't know what to do. He kept telling me it was okay to be upset about Marie, that he is sorry for everything that i have gone through and that he wish he had more comforting words. It was nice, for a moment anyway, having to not keep the sadness all too myself.

We spent the rest of the weekend in our own little bubble. He was different. Not aggressive and aloof  and distant. He followed me around the store. He felt like he was mine emotionally, mentally and physically. We talked a lot about the future and work. He was upset because he was denied admission to the fire academy. I gave him work advice and he said he wouldn't know what he'd do without me around. That i made things better followed by blushing. He bought me a brownie for lunch. I read him more excerpts from a book i'm reading. He made me laugh so hard, we always pissed ourselves. And  he said the whole "i think i'm dating the wrong girl' thing. And then the hug happened a perfect conclusion to the weekend. I use to complain to Kat that Sean never says goodbye when his shift is over. I go out of my way to look for him before i head home. Just to say goodbye. And for the three years i have known him he has never stopped to find me just to say he was going home and to wish me a goodnight. So his marvelous return/epic hug embrace Sunday was swoon worthy damnit. No one can take that away from me. He embraced me as if it were the last chance he was going to get to.

Then he called me Tuesday because he knew i was going to see a movie with my friend. He wanted to know what we saw, if i liked it and if i was still in the area because he finally brought me the book i've been asking to borrow from him. I was, so I stopped by and picked up the book and then wished him a good night, not before I caught him doing the weird, i want to tell you something but i can't look.

For the past few days, i've been trying to tell myself that i am being irrational. Sure i am obsessing. Sure I want this boy. But what he feels for me is not close to what i feel for him. And i deserve more than a boy who hasn't even said he likes me yet alone who is ready to leave his gf for me. But it didn't stop me from daydreaming about what life with this boy would be like. And it made me happy. Because for a moment, based on what he said, I thought i had a chance. I felt like we had a chance because we are obviously very drawn to one another. That even if this 'relationship' were to turn to shit I would know for a bit how it felt to belong to someone who wanted to be around me as much as i want to be around him.

But last night, after a horrible close at Le Sad store (Sean's been on vacation since Wednesday, so i haven't seen or heard from him in a couple of days), i logged onto fb and was meet with pictures of him and his gf at new york comic con. They look happy and carefree and her dumb stupid face is grinning from ear to ear. And it made me sad, not as sad had i let this boy have my heart, but sad nonetheless because at the end of the day, not matter how much he feels like mine, he isn't. Even though we are close as hell and my feelings for him are strong and his stupid dumb "i came back to say goodbye' moment, the boy isn't mine. And I am not a part of his life the way i'd like to be.

This depressed the shit out of me of course. And i am wounding a slightly broken heart with cookies and pizza. I was hoping the two of us would get to talk about last weekend and everything that was said. I was hoping that I would get the chance to tell him how i feel. But i am tucking those thoughts back inside my head and preparing to put on a brave front tomorrow. I hate wishing that he would just like me as much as i like him, and then take a risk with me. Cause thats what i feel like life with me would be like. Le sigh. I'm a mess.

Mistakes Being Made.

Every single day i feel like i am on my way towards making a big mistake with this boy.

I know i am going to get hurt.

I know i am setting myself up for quite the epic disaster. I know this. And yet i'd rather go all in and fuck it up and be a little reckless because i'm sick of being a bench warmer.

This weekend was all too much. He pulled me aside and said he missed me. He comforted me while i cried into his side. He told me that he is dating the wrong girl. He has fallen out of love with his girlfriend. That they aren't the same people anymore. He feels anxious and confused.

I gave him friend advice. I took my own feelings for him out of the picture. I told him to talk to her. To tell her what he is telling me. That maybe they do need a break, unless he felt it was something worth fixing. He said he wasn't sure it was.

I told him i probably wasn't the best person to come to for this. Because i'm biased and too invested to help. He stared at me for a really long time and i thought he was going to tell me something. I thought he was going to do something. But he didn't so i walked away.

Later that night, on his way out, he walked by me to say goodbye. It was a very rushed 'i'll see you later' sort of thing and i was kind of hurt by how dismissive it was. I waved at him and smile weakly and then had that awful stupid girl lump in my belly and started obsessively thinking about the night. If he does break up with his girl, is it for me? I am the right girl? Why didn't he come over and say goodbye to me? I mean, i know he was in a rush and had groceries in his hand but i look for him before i go so that i can---

As my eyes start welling up, i notice his black leather jacket out of the corner of my eye. Just 5 minutes ago he was on his way home and he turned around and came back into the store to find me. He is walking quickly towards the kids department where he thinks i'm at, but he stops quickly when he sees me in the corner with a puzzled though relieved look on my face.

The motherfucker grabs me and pulls me in for a hug as I say 'i didn't think you were going to come back, i didn't think you were going to come back" as he rocks me into his chest. We stay that way for quite awhile. It is the safest i have ever felt.

He pulls away some minutes later and says he came back to say goodbye to me properly. I tell him to have a good night and that i'll see him next week (his vacation starts today) and then i watch him leave as i always do, regretting all the while that he'd come back again. And when he rounds the corner, and heads down the stairs, i tell myself that i think i'm in love with him. I think i'm in love with the boy who is a shitty human being most days but who came back for me. I  fucking utterly obsessively love this boy. And i am willing to suffer the consequences because of it.

About Last Night.

I didn't have sex with Sean.

I am not going to lie and say that i didn't want to . Because I did. I do. Despite Everything.

I am currently reading a book called The Chemistry Between Us. It is about what attracts us to specific people. It is not so much about love but an explanation about desire. And more than ever i want to understand what it is about this boy that is making me a very stupid girl.

On Friday, after a night of flirting and touching and innuendo's he asked to come over to my house to watch a movie. He's been trying to get me to watch this movie (on netflix) for weeks. I am hesitant when people recommend things to me. Movies, music, books. I take my time following up. I want to watch things when i want to watch them. I want to read them when the mood is right. I take my time with everything. So when he told me to watch this movie because i was convinced I wouldn't.

When i was a kid my crush from school said i would like the song Yellow Submarine bu the Beatles. He was adamant that i would like the song and it would change my life because it was one of his favorite songs and for some reason it reminded him of me. It took me a couple of years before i got around to listening to the song and i fucking hated it. There was nothing about it that i liked. And all i could think after listening to it was that this boy who i thought i was in love with recommended this terrible ass song to me. A song that was suppose to remind him of me. So when Sean said i should watch this movie I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't going to watch it for fear that it would turn out to be a terrible terrible movie.

But on Friday he told me that he has a job interview with a company he's been trying for a year to join. He wants to be a fireman. But until then he has an opportunity to get a 9 to 5 gig that pays well so he can move out of his parents house. The interview is some time in October. He is at the top of their list should this position open up. He just has to ace the interview and he won't be at the store any longer. I am happy for him. I told him this. I even meant it. But boy am i terrified of how this all will end. And i realized suddenly that if he is to leave and get a new job and move on, I may only have a few weeks left with him to confess my feelings, see if he feels the same way.

I have known and liked Sean for 3 years. He has a girlfriend. He is an immature asshole. He has said and done some terrible things. He is not mine. I know this. I have accepted this. And yet there is something about our relationship that I can't shake. There are no fireworks. There are no magical sparks or even clarity. There is simplicity. There is comfort. I enjoy being around him. I like touching and being touched by him. When he goes out of his way to make me laugh or to see me, i feel so connected to him. I think about taking care of him all the time cause he's simple and strong. And unlike the rest of the very irrational crushes a la the past, he likes me back. Maybe not in the way i like him but in some way.

And the thought of him leaving frightens me because of the feelings that he has stirred. And i am nervous and anxious about losing him. After a disastrous summer with this boy, we have called a truce these last few weeks. I am no longer doing the crazy girl thing. I don't do jealous or envy well. I regrettably did both this summer. I may have adopted this from Kat who has turned out to be quite the crazy girl lately, another post/another time. He in turn is trying to be less of a douche. He is trying to take my feelings in account. While i haven't told him outright that i like him, it is evident. And for this he is trying.

Because of this raise of the white flag our relationship is stronger than it has been. We joke around, we flirt, we hysterically laugh our asses off. In two weeks we are going to our mutual friends birthday party. We've already admitted that we are going for each other because we both are not looking forward to it. It feels like old times yet newer. We are back where i like us easy and causal, except for the being attracted to each other thing which complicates everything.

Because if i am be very very uncomfortably honest right now I am still very much attracted and attached to him. There is still so much touching and innuendo between us. There is still so much sexual tension. The other day some one hit on me during our shift. I told him i was uncomfortable with that. He said that i didn't have to worry because I was his. I asked him what that meant. He just stared at me and told me it meant just what he said. I nodded my head and told him he can't say things like that even though i like hearing it.

It's so complicated. It's so inappropriate. And yet I still can't shake him. And he continues to show me affection that i adore.  The other day, we went on break together. He asked what i wanted to do. I said 'i don't know read maybe' so he said he would come with me to read. We went to the children's department and took a seat on the floor next to one other and read. He was reading the league of extraordinary gentlemen. I was reading Closer. Periodically he would stop to read a passage from his graphic novel as i paused to listen. Then we'd go back to reading. Then I would find a passage I thought was interesting and read it to him while he nodded and gave his opinion. It was so fucking adorable, I hugged him afterwards.

Because of moments like this when he asked to come over my house Friday i was so fucking tempted to say 'sure, why not'. I did/do want to see this movie he keeps going on and on about. I did/do want to watch it with him. I did/do want to show him my room in all of it's awesomeness. But I knew it was a bad idea. I'm not sure what i would do with him in my room. I'm not sure what he would do in my room. And to be honest again, I am in no way or shape ready to have sex with a boy i am not dating. He drove me home Friday and we just sat in the car for a really long time. I thought he was going to ask me again to come in. I was prepared to say no. But instead he said goodnight and that he'd see me tomorrow. I blurted out that maybe we could see it some other time if he wanted.

But of course he did not ask me again to come upstairs this weekend. And i'm not sure if i am relieved about this. I am know i am making a huge mistake in investing all my energy into this boy. I know that i am seconds away from a huge 'i told you so, girl'. I know that anything outside of our hugging, and touching and lingering stares will be disastrous. I know this. I have thought this through. Realistically outside of him even having a girlfriend and anger issues and being severely immature i am most concerned that my inexperience could be taken advantage of  by a boy like this.The idea of being in a situation with him where i am not comfortable enough to say no or that i need him to take it slow. The other day someone told me i needed a nice nerdy boy who will take me to parks and buy my notebooks for my birthday. And ideally, that is the boy i have always and still want.  But i feel immune to logic when it comes to my attraction to Sean. I crave intimacy, primarily from him. And had i been a little more selfish I would have invited him upstairs.

I wish this wasn't so complicated. I wish i could look at this situation and easily say 'hey you know what this is a bad idea'. But i can't. And i'm not sure what to do about this. Because i know whatever i do or say. However i continue to behave and act around this boy is going to be painful in the end.