I am not feeling it these days.
I have a strange case of lethargy that I cant seem to shake. Maybe because it's finally starting to feel like fall and the change has stilled me. Or maybe it's because I am in a weird place where my mind can't seem to make up its mind about anything. So not thinking is a better option.
Work feels pointless. I am still pulling in full time hours despite my breakdown a few weeks ago where I blatantly complained of working too much. I miss having some sort of a weekend off and have contemplated asking for Sundays off. Permanently. That would mean only four days at the bookstore. 2 days of job hunting, GRE studying and general upkeep days. And 1 day of rest.
But could I survive off of four days a week salary? I do not know.
On top of that employee evaluations are coming up and because the management has so drastically changed from last year my assessment (and raise) will hinge on that of the Evil Manager. This may not be the time to ask for another day off because of stress and general disinterest in being there.
I am also training a bunch of new people while the regular crew settles into the misery that is the bookstore. Pretty Ricky is NOT as stellar as Kat made him out to be. Sure he is funny and nice but that is all. I spent the weekend training him at customer service and outside of a very pretty face he is not that interesting and it pisses me off that she made me girl jealous for no reason.
The customers continue to suck. The managers continue to hang out in their office while we BS our way on the floor. And if I have to have another conversation regarding e-readers I think I may die. Really.
The lethargy has to have something to do with this great change I am waiting for in my life. I can honestly say I have no idea what to do with myself. I graduated with no clue on what I wanted for my life and now I am sitting face to face with the idea I have of myself and my sullen actuality staring back at me. It's frustrating.
I'm frustrated. And I can't move because of it. I am wedged in some unmovable place that I am too tired to shake from at the moment. I do hope this doesn't last long and that I can gain my enthusiasm and momentum again. I need it.
I miss it.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Pretty Ricky Was His Name.
Deciding to pursue higher education in the form of grad school was not (and has not been) an easy decision to make. Apart of me cannot help but feel like that kid who signed up for band at the beginning of the year but because the amount of kids allowed to join the 'introductory' class has been filled, I've been placed in the less popular orchestral club out of pity. Yes that is how i got my hands on the violin. I was a very sad 8 year old.
What I'm trying to say is that there is a part of me that feels disappointed that this real world thing is not working out. That I cannot hack this economy and this job market like I wanted to. I feel so naive about moving here. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy not to be living in South Carolina moping around and driving my mom crazy but my life here is far from perfect. And like being turned away from band ( i really wanted to play the trumpet) I've been giving a consolation gift for my efforts.
Applying to grad school is going to be tough. The last time I sort of bs-ed my way around the application process and refused to retake the GRE. But the kids graduating from school this time around are smart. They know the job market is horrible, they are going to cruise right past the right of passage that is 'post grad slump' and continue on to the next phase that is higher education which means that the application process is competitive and I will have to be on my A++ game.
I am going to take the GRE in November and then again in January. I have four schools that I am eyeing, plus another two or three that I need to consider. I also still have this UK scheme to apply to and am need to secure a job while I am still in New York. I am keeping my possibilities open out of blind faith that one of them will work out but the next few months are going to be a struggle and I expect there to be a lot of coffee consumption. LOTS.
I just need a change and the benefits of going to grad school out weigh the negative (student loans). I actually miss school and learning things and though my undergraduate career was pretty uneventful, I am looking forward to being a graduate student if I can get in that is.
I seriously think I am suffering from a Quarter Life Crisis. I worry about things that 18 year old me couldn't give a shit about. I worry about what I want to do with my life, where I want to live, what sort of adventures and misadventures i want to get myself into (or out of depending on the day). It's all a little overwhelming and terrifying and confusing.
Outside of my professional and educational worries, the social aspects of my life are stressful too. I am much better socially than I was two years ago. I am still awkward as hell and prefer my days off to myself, but I am in control of some aspects of my anxiety and talking to people is easier. But that doesn't mean I am exactly where I want to be socially.
I continue to make friend-like connections with people to the point where I have things to do every once in a while but I have not established close enough connections where I have a core group of friends to confide in. My Friday nights are still spent hanging out by myself watching Netflix online or reading books. Surprisingly not trashy ones.
And I know that this has everything to do with me and the parts of anxiety that I do not yet have control over. I have insecurities about fitting in and being judged and all that jazz. I can't wrap my head around the fact that people want to hang out with me and get to know me. It's all too much to process and I have a tendency of keeping people at bay.
On the boy level...well there isn't any level. I am afraid at this point that I will be an old maid with a billion cats and maybe a subscription to 'Knitting n Style' magazine. It's very difficult being a 24 year old girl surrounded by 20 year old and older women who are so comfortable around guys I silently take notes from a distance.
In High School my only romantic interest was my best guy friend Justin, who came from an uber religious family so nothing ever come of that. Outside of him though, me and Marie were the ugly ducklings in school. We were those girls people would openly make fun of because the only guys we were ever paired with were dorkier than us.
What I'm trying to say is that there is a part of me that feels disappointed that this real world thing is not working out. That I cannot hack this economy and this job market like I wanted to. I feel so naive about moving here. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy not to be living in South Carolina moping around and driving my mom crazy but my life here is far from perfect. And like being turned away from band ( i really wanted to play the trumpet) I've been giving a consolation gift for my efforts.
Applying to grad school is going to be tough. The last time I sort of bs-ed my way around the application process and refused to retake the GRE. But the kids graduating from school this time around are smart. They know the job market is horrible, they are going to cruise right past the right of passage that is 'post grad slump' and continue on to the next phase that is higher education which means that the application process is competitive and I will have to be on my A++ game.
I am going to take the GRE in November and then again in January. I have four schools that I am eyeing, plus another two or three that I need to consider. I also still have this UK scheme to apply to and am need to secure a job while I am still in New York. I am keeping my possibilities open out of blind faith that one of them will work out but the next few months are going to be a struggle and I expect there to be a lot of coffee consumption. LOTS.
I just need a change and the benefits of going to grad school out weigh the negative (student loans). I actually miss school and learning things and though my undergraduate career was pretty uneventful, I am looking forward to being a graduate student if I can get in that is.
I seriously think I am suffering from a Quarter Life Crisis. I worry about things that 18 year old me couldn't give a shit about. I worry about what I want to do with my life, where I want to live, what sort of adventures and misadventures i want to get myself into (or out of depending on the day). It's all a little overwhelming and terrifying and confusing.
Outside of my professional and educational worries, the social aspects of my life are stressful too. I am much better socially than I was two years ago. I am still awkward as hell and prefer my days off to myself, but I am in control of some aspects of my anxiety and talking to people is easier. But that doesn't mean I am exactly where I want to be socially.
I continue to make friend-like connections with people to the point where I have things to do every once in a while but I have not established close enough connections where I have a core group of friends to confide in. My Friday nights are still spent hanging out by myself watching Netflix online or reading books. Surprisingly not trashy ones.
And I know that this has everything to do with me and the parts of anxiety that I do not yet have control over. I have insecurities about fitting in and being judged and all that jazz. I can't wrap my head around the fact that people want to hang out with me and get to know me. It's all too much to process and I have a tendency of keeping people at bay.
On the boy level...well there isn't any level. I am afraid at this point that I will be an old maid with a billion cats and maybe a subscription to 'Knitting n Style' magazine. It's very difficult being a 24 year old girl surrounded by 20 year old and older women who are so comfortable around guys I silently take notes from a distance.
In High School my only romantic interest was my best guy friend Justin, who came from an uber religious family so nothing ever come of that. Outside of him though, me and Marie were the ugly ducklings in school. We were those girls people would openly make fun of because the only guys we were ever paired with were dorkier than us.
Though that I am not that awkward 16 year old girl anymore, I am still very insecure when it comes to boys. I often find myself feeling like the 'ugly duckling' around them especially when you are friends with Kat who has no trouble in the boy department.
Recently the store hired a very (very, very) attractive guy named Ricky. The first day I met him I was like 'hmmmm, interesting lad. Kind of pretty. Thank you hiring manager'. I immediately inquired about the new boy before introducing myself and of course upon further inspection realized that he is the hottest guy whose ever worked with us. I have donned him Pretty Ricky for that reason.
Kat did not find Pretty Ricky that pretty at first but I made a comment regarding my 'attraction' to him a few days ago and she has been all over Pretty Ricky ever since. And like the awkward 16 year old me, I don't even see the use in trying to get his attention because compared to Kat I don't stand a chance. Yes, I know that he's new and could have a girlfriend or a wife or a boyfriend. I don't even have any real intention of falling in like with this guy. But sometimes I want to be the interesting girl that guys flock to.
I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy when Kat said she spent the last two days working with Pretty Ricky and 'enjoying' his company. He's so funny, and witty, and sarcastic. 'we have a connection already. I'm glad i can talk to you about this'. This is the same girl who has a boyfriend and a crush on Evan and who receives presents (yes, presents) from various hot customers. Couldn't she just let me revel in Pretty Ricky without stirring up my Ugly Duckling syndrome.
I am only hit on by old men and boys under the age of 15. So sometimes I get annoyed by Kat's obsession with the male species. She thrives off of their attention, even though she won't admit it.She is always approached by attractive boys our age, and jealousy rears it's ugly head when I hang out with her because I am ignored often during interactions with the opposite sex.
I do understand what Kat's draw is. She's that alternative chick that nerd boys love. She reads graphic novels and listens to 90's rock while being a fan of pop culture phenoms and girly things. She is beautiful yet insecure and guys want to take care of her or be around her.
I, on the other hand, am never going to be that girl. I have control issues which prevent me from ever (ever) playing the role of victim. I am not that girly but rather pretty goofy. But I do want to be comfortable enough in my skin where I can engage boys that I like without pause of concern or silently wondering if I am being interesting.
Because while Kat has hit it off with Pretty Ricky (and every other male employee) I have not.
I too had a conversation with Pretty Ricky but he didn't seem too interested in talking to me. He was very bland and stiff and I didn't get the sense of 'witty awesomeness' that Kat has been privy too. I immediately surmised that he would not be witty or awesome around me because I am not that interesting or (chucks here i go) attractive enough to bother with.
And hell, now I am not even going to give Pretty Ricky a chance on a friend level because of the 'connection' he has already made with Kat and because I know she will lure him in so she has another guy fawning over her.
I am a horrible person aren't I? I have too much time on my introverted hands. But I feel all kinds of confronted by the things I want, the people I would like in my life and the person I want to be. And my jealousy towards 'pretty alternative girls' or people my age who seem to have it together (whatever it is) has more to do with my inability to grasp what I want to make out of this life. And fears that I an no closer to figuring out what I want than I was a few years ago.
F*cking Quarter Life Crisis and damn Pretty Ricky's.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
You're Welcome
Today i was scheduled to come in at 10am, but I got a frantic call from my manager at 8 asking if I could possibly come into work 'like now' because two people called out and she had no one to get the store in order before the bookstore officially opened at 10.
Of course I couldn't say 'are you fucking nuts', i was scheduled for 10, I'm not going to come in an hour and a half early. But I didn't. Instead, I put on the first pair of work pants i could find and then threw on a rather raggedy sweatshirt and went to work an hour early.
You would think that I would get a 'thanks Beck, you're a life saver' but as soon as I showed up she threw a million and one things my way and the rest of the day I felt in the pits.
There is a terrible soul sucking feeling that occurs via working in retail. 1) you get shit from customers, as if your whole life has led to this 'big achievement'. Oh, look a job working in a bookstore. you're mom must be proud is that look I often get from people and it's infuriating. When someone spells the word 'and' in front of your face as if you have never seen nor heard the word before, you can't help but wonder what the fuck you are doing with your life that it has led to this.
Secondly, there is no reward (on any end) for your hard work. So you came into work today an hour early and spent much of your shift manning down the fork in the children's department, customer service and the cash register, who cares. Not the managers of course, who still give you shit for telling an old lady you could put a clearance item on hold for her (apparently that is not allowed). Not from your employees who are for the most part very intelligent slackers who can go hours talking about a zombie Apocalypse but putting a book away on a shelf...Christ no.
I stayed an extra 30 minutes after my shift ended because there are a bunch of new people who needed help working the phones and the computers. Well, actually it was one new person and his name is Rick and boy do i have an uber crush on him (more on that later) but still. At the end of the day, I still didn't get a 'thanks for your hard work' from anyone. Not even the manager who asked me to come in and help.
And yet, I can't move on from this place. There seem to be no jobs, or rather, no jobs that want to hire me. And I am not taking this to heart but it's beyond frustrating. And of course everyone is starting school this semester. And they are all bummed that they have exams next week and essays to write on 'dead poets' and I want to smack them all in the face and say 'hey, you could be slaving away at a bookstore working minimum wage. Shut up'
I really miss being in school. I really miss the feeling of progression. That there are people supporting my ideas and concepts and the exploration of....things. I hate the drudgery that is my life and the people that I am around. And for once I can say that I am over this 'real world' thing...and have decided to go to grad school.
For real.
I know my past attempts have been without real sincerity. I didn't take the application process seriously and may have waited until the last day to turn things in. But, professionally I am not where I want to be. I can't find a job and internships are financially not possible. And because I rushed graduating I know I never utilized the many services college life has to offer. So yeah, while I still look for a job to pay the bills I'm applying to grad school. I have a couple of schools in mind and have requested grad information to be sent my way. I will have to take the GRE again (argh!) and I will have to find some people to recommend me (double argh) But yeah, I feel good about doing this.
The real world sucks. I have no immediate place in it. Grad School here I come.
Of course I couldn't say 'are you fucking nuts', i was scheduled for 10, I'm not going to come in an hour and a half early. But I didn't. Instead, I put on the first pair of work pants i could find and then threw on a rather raggedy sweatshirt and went to work an hour early.
You would think that I would get a 'thanks Beck, you're a life saver' but as soon as I showed up she threw a million and one things my way and the rest of the day I felt in the pits.
There is a terrible soul sucking feeling that occurs via working in retail. 1) you get shit from customers, as if your whole life has led to this 'big achievement'. Oh, look a job working in a bookstore. you're mom must be proud is that look I often get from people and it's infuriating. When someone spells the word 'and' in front of your face as if you have never seen nor heard the word before, you can't help but wonder what the fuck you are doing with your life that it has led to this.
Secondly, there is no reward (on any end) for your hard work. So you came into work today an hour early and spent much of your shift manning down the fork in the children's department, customer service and the cash register, who cares. Not the managers of course, who still give you shit for telling an old lady you could put a clearance item on hold for her (apparently that is not allowed). Not from your employees who are for the most part very intelligent slackers who can go hours talking about a zombie Apocalypse but putting a book away on a shelf...Christ no.
I stayed an extra 30 minutes after my shift ended because there are a bunch of new people who needed help working the phones and the computers. Well, actually it was one new person and his name is Rick and boy do i have an uber crush on him (more on that later) but still. At the end of the day, I still didn't get a 'thanks for your hard work' from anyone. Not even the manager who asked me to come in and help.
And yet, I can't move on from this place. There seem to be no jobs, or rather, no jobs that want to hire me. And I am not taking this to heart but it's beyond frustrating. And of course everyone is starting school this semester. And they are all bummed that they have exams next week and essays to write on 'dead poets' and I want to smack them all in the face and say 'hey, you could be slaving away at a bookstore working minimum wage. Shut up'
I really miss being in school. I really miss the feeling of progression. That there are people supporting my ideas and concepts and the exploration of....things. I hate the drudgery that is my life and the people that I am around. And for once I can say that I am over this 'real world' thing...and have decided to go to grad school.
For real.
I know my past attempts have been without real sincerity. I didn't take the application process seriously and may have waited until the last day to turn things in. But, professionally I am not where I want to be. I can't find a job and internships are financially not possible. And because I rushed graduating I know I never utilized the many services college life has to offer. So yeah, while I still look for a job to pay the bills I'm applying to grad school. I have a couple of schools in mind and have requested grad information to be sent my way. I will have to take the GRE again (argh!) and I will have to find some people to recommend me (double argh) But yeah, I feel good about doing this.
The real world sucks. I have no immediate place in it. Grad School here I come.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Leaving Baggage Behind.
I am very sick. Very very sick. So sick that i've already called out from work tomorrow because my head hurts so bad I am worried that my brain is bleeding. Yes, I know that is not a possibility but damn it all to hell if I don't feel like crap.There has been a bug going around for a while but I know that I got this current bug from Angie. She came over this weekend with an awful cold. She tossed and turned the whole night and then proceeded to wipe her nose with various things that were not napkins. I almost gagged.
Now I am sick. Too sick to do much of anything. It feels like that time last year when I had the flu. My throat, head and bones just feel awful. And I hate that after a lackluster trip I now have a cold to top things off.
Okay I have to take some of that back. The weekend was pretty good. Angie and I went to the Strand and bought a crap load of books followed by a trip to the Guggenheim and an art festival. After a year apart we fell into everything so quickly, it was hard to believe we hadn't hung out since May 2009.
But. My friendship with Angie revolved around our mutual disdain for working at the bookstore and life being a crap fest. I realize now that the reason we got along so well at the time was because we were unhappy with our life. Misery loves company and we liked each other because of it.
But the moment she moved to DC our friendship sort of fell to shit. We text each other every few months and sometimes say how much we miss each other on facebook. But when she came down this weekend it wasn't like I yearned to be around her. We continued to talk about post grad struggles and general anxieties about life. But I got the sense that she hangs on to our friendship because I am doing worse than her. That I am that friend, that we all have, that you sort of keep around because as long as there life is worse than yours you don't feel so crappy. She'd ask me about work, or how much I made, or how much I had to pay for rent and how difficult it must be for me. But it was with this tone of 'I'm glad it's not me'. She even said that at one point when I gave her a tour of my 'crib' she said 'i didn't think about renting a room before i left. I should have. or maybe not'. What the hell does that mean.
So while the day went well, I couldn't help but fell dragged down by some of her comments. And that there must be a little part of her that likes me only because I am not doing as well as her. That she has one friend she can come and visit and look down on. I could be overreacting and being overly emotional but that is what this whole weekend felt like.
So while the day went well, I couldn't help but fell dragged down by some of her comments. And that there must be a little part of her that likes me only because I am not doing as well as her. That she has one friend she can come and visit and look down on. I could be overreacting and being overly emotional but that is what this whole weekend felt like.
AND she gave me a cold. I plan on sleeping all day tomorrow and watching Netflix because of it.
Thanks Angie
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Uploads from the City.
Here are a few shots from my day in the city with Angie. I had a really good time. The day wasn't without it's hiccups but for the most part I enjoyed myself. The morning started pretty well but towards the end of the trip Angie started having random bouts of... freak outs. Naturally she is a very 'spacey' sort of 'frantic' person. But that combined with general angst and often times preoccupation with other things (texting) was a little too much for me.
We went to The Strand (awesome), The Guggenheim (not awesome) and about five Starbucks. There was an art festival/farmers market and concert in Union Square and I was creatively inspired by the city. We ate a bunch of inexpensive but tasty food and walked several blocks of new york streets.
The day was sans any of the weird drama the news was predicting (where we were anyway) and we spent about ten hours in the city. All and all it was a good day and I have a bunch of books to sort through from the three hours we spent at the Strand. Like I need anymore books in my room.
More pictures to come.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Weekend Plans.
A few weeks ago Angie asked if she could come up to visit me in New York the second week of September.
A quick recap. Angie was my first real new york friend (and of course she is from Kansas. Because everyone who lives here isn't from here). She started working at the bookstore after being laid off from an archive job and spent a good 8 months slaving away at the bookstore with me. When I say we immediately became friends, I mean it. I introduced myself to her as soon as I saw her, and it was like a moment of 'we are totally going to be friends aren't we?'. As simple as pie.
It's so weird that I am often criticized for not hanging out with people from work when there was a time when Angie and I hung out every day. From movies, to coffee dates to late night drives around the area, she was my partner in crime. We made Obama cupcakes for goodness sakes! When she relocated to DC for a real job I knew that my social activity would go from 'something to do every day with someone I liked' to 'damn I have nothing to do and no where to go'
We've been trying to set up a weekend when I can come down to Dc or her to New York for a year now but our plans always fell throw. But when she asked back in August if she could come up just for a weekend of hanging out, I immediately thought 'hell yeah'.
But shit. Now that weekend in question is upon me and I am a little nervous. August was a really bad month and this last week has been hell in every way shape or form. She asked if I could house her in my room and at first I was like 'I don't know I don't really have the space". But it wouldn't make sense for her to come to New York and stay with another friend if her intention is to spend the weekend with me. And by moving my bed I've created enough space in my room for her to crash without it being weird.
But I guess I am not use to housing people or better yet 'entertaining people' for longer than a few hours. Even friends. And now she is going to be here in New York and in my room for the whole weekend. I came up with a cool list of things we could do this weekend all involving a trip to the city. But yeah, of all the weekends to gallivant around the city like young twenty something year olds,this weekend is going to be the most appropriate time to do that especially because of the memorials and protests that will take place on Saturday.
There are plenty of things we can do around town. I think. But I guess I am more concerned about those dreaded awkward silences that may arise throughout this two day weekend. Sure we both have plenty to say to one another. So much has happened in the year since she moved that there will be plenty of things to discuss. But I can't help but wonder if our friendship thrived off of the misery that we both felt (and I still feel) working at the bookstore. Don't get me wrong this chick is amazing. She loves Dorothy Parker, is a complete foodie, can have intellectual conversations with me about romance novels ( I am obsessed with analyzing this genre) and has been to Scotland. And the night she asked me if I wanted to go on a drive with her because 'it helps me think' I knew that I loved this girl. Hardcore.
But I worry nonetheless that I will be boring and she will regret having wanted to come up.
Regardless of my nerves, I've cleaned my room exceptionally well today (where is my mom to reward me for this) and am stoked to see Angie tomorrow. I have to work from 10-6 and she won't be into town until 9 but we plan on grabbing dinner at our favorite diner around the corner where hamburgers are sure to be consumed. If she isn't too tired we may even go for a late night drive.
Outside of my nervousness I realize how much I really want to relax this weekend and just have a good time with an old friend. I feel like my mind, life and emotional state has gone to shit ever since I returned from vacation and being able to forgo the seriousness of my life for 48 hours will do some good.
A quick recap. Angie was my first real new york friend (and of course she is from Kansas. Because everyone who lives here isn't from here). She started working at the bookstore after being laid off from an archive job and spent a good 8 months slaving away at the bookstore with me. When I say we immediately became friends, I mean it. I introduced myself to her as soon as I saw her, and it was like a moment of 'we are totally going to be friends aren't we?'. As simple as pie.
It's so weird that I am often criticized for not hanging out with people from work when there was a time when Angie and I hung out every day. From movies, to coffee dates to late night drives around the area, she was my partner in crime. We made Obama cupcakes for goodness sakes! When she relocated to DC for a real job I knew that my social activity would go from 'something to do every day with someone I liked' to 'damn I have nothing to do and no where to go'
We've been trying to set up a weekend when I can come down to Dc or her to New York for a year now but our plans always fell throw. But when she asked back in August if she could come up just for a weekend of hanging out, I immediately thought 'hell yeah'.
But shit. Now that weekend in question is upon me and I am a little nervous. August was a really bad month and this last week has been hell in every way shape or form. She asked if I could house her in my room and at first I was like 'I don't know I don't really have the space". But it wouldn't make sense for her to come to New York and stay with another friend if her intention is to spend the weekend with me. And by moving my bed I've created enough space in my room for her to crash without it being weird.
But I guess I am not use to housing people or better yet 'entertaining people' for longer than a few hours. Even friends. And now she is going to be here in New York and in my room for the whole weekend. I came up with a cool list of things we could do this weekend all involving a trip to the city. But yeah, of all the weekends to gallivant around the city like young twenty something year olds,this weekend is going to be the most appropriate time to do that especially because of the memorials and protests that will take place on Saturday.
There are plenty of things we can do around town. I think. But I guess I am more concerned about those dreaded awkward silences that may arise throughout this two day weekend. Sure we both have plenty to say to one another. So much has happened in the year since she moved that there will be plenty of things to discuss. But I can't help but wonder if our friendship thrived off of the misery that we both felt (and I still feel) working at the bookstore. Don't get me wrong this chick is amazing. She loves Dorothy Parker, is a complete foodie, can have intellectual conversations with me about romance novels ( I am obsessed with analyzing this genre) and has been to Scotland. And the night she asked me if I wanted to go on a drive with her because 'it helps me think' I knew that I loved this girl. Hardcore.
But I worry nonetheless that I will be boring and she will regret having wanted to come up.
Regardless of my nerves, I've cleaned my room exceptionally well today (where is my mom to reward me for this) and am stoked to see Angie tomorrow. I have to work from 10-6 and she won't be into town until 9 but we plan on grabbing dinner at our favorite diner around the corner where hamburgers are sure to be consumed. If she isn't too tired we may even go for a late night drive.
Outside of my nervousness I realize how much I really want to relax this weekend and just have a good time with an old friend. I feel like my mind, life and emotional state has gone to shit ever since I returned from vacation and being able to forgo the seriousness of my life for 48 hours will do some good.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
First Day of Kindergarten...Again.
I'd like to interrupt my slew of depressive posts to talk about my cousins first day of Kindergarten.
My relationship with my aunt is mending nicely. The suckassness of being 'asked out' of her home still makes me stomach drop but I refuse to let any animosity between her stop me from seeing my cousin Michelle.
This kid is freaking amazing and I am not saying this because I am a little biased. Alright, I lied I am totally biased but I generally don't find all kids to be awesome, so i'm a good judge in the 'is your kid horrible' department. Some kids, having worked in the children's department for six months now, can be little shits. I attribute this to their parents because I have literally wanted to curse out some of these heathens that walk into the store. When they aren't trashing the place (something I blame on the parents naturally) they are rude little buggers.
And Michelle is not perfect. She has thrown many a tantrums in the past. You couldn't take her to a store (target) without her losing her shit over something. But I don't know. The little kid I knew two years ago has...matured into this awesome 5 year old. Where I would have to once force hugs out of her she now gives them away freely . She is smart and intuitive and she asks a bunch of questions about the world around her. She is a girly girl who is not afraid to get dirty and her imagination is endless.
I love this kid and some of my fondest memories of New York revolve her. So when my aunt got in contact with me to say that Michelle wanted me to go to her first day of Kindergarten with her, my heart did the opposite of breaking into a million little sad pieces. Instead it burst into shards of happiness.
Last weekend I went with her and my aunt for student teacher orientation. It was a Girls Day Extravaganza. Michelle (and my aunt surprisingly) was so happy to see me and show me her purple room and crayons and dolls and...well you get the point. She is attending the Elementary school I went to as a kid, right around the corner from their house. It's a 15 minute walk and the whole way we talked about how cool going to school was going to be. She held my hand the whole way and asked if we could get pizza afterwards. Naturally my aunt and I were not opposed to this.
Orientation went well. We met her teacher, showed her around the classroom and she even met a new friend. After pizza I assured Michelle and my aunt that I would get up bright an early next Tuesday (today) to take Michelle to her first day of School. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Getting up this morning after a closing shift though was pretty rough though. I sat my alarm to 6:30 so that I could shower and eat before heading to my aunts house. I was going to walk but I live on the other side of town so I opted for a cab.
I am going to skip the extensive hell that whole cab ride was. Lets just say he drove me to the wrong address and then started screaming at me about being 'daft' for not paying attention. This is where I completely lost it on this guy and demanded that he take me back to my house because I wasn't going to get in an argument with him and that if he wanted to provide great service he should never ,ever, speak to anyone the way he spoke to me. He sort of apologized and then offered to drive me to the correct address (after I asked him to take me back to my original address like 5 times). I relented but ended the conversation with ' I will be contacting your supervisor this whole thing was unprofessional. You probably have a daughter my age and I bet you wouldn't talk to her the way you just spoke to me'. Um. can we say bad ass moment of the day. Yay me!
Anyway, when I got to my aunts house (after cursing out a cabbie's manager) Michelle was just getting ready. She was dressed in a skirt and a cute cardigan isque shirt with knee socks and mary jane shoes. We all headed to school and talked about Hanna Montana and the Jonas Brothers. Michelle was a little more nervous then usual on the walk to school (despite attending summer camp there) and I kept touching her face and saying 'you are going to do fine Kiddo'. When we got to school the parking lot was crazy with parents and crying kids and it felt like an uncomfortable circus scene.
Michelle is a very brave girl by all standards. She has a tendency of behaving as if she is much older than her 5 years. I catch myself having to remind her that though she is a 'big girl' she is still a 'little girl' and there's nothing wrong with that. But because she is often very self sufficient and looks much older than most 5 year old (she is pretty tall) I sometimes lose sight of the fact that she is going to Kindergarten. Kindergarten! How were we ever that young?
Michelle held it together for the most part. But as soon as we stopped in front of the building to take 'classic first day of school photo's' she sort of had that 'what's next' look on her face. She wasn't afraid per se but there was definitely some apprehension on her part. Like she just realized that she was going to school for the first time ever. Her eyes sort of glazed with a wide eyed amazement and a mixture of confusion. Like she finally realized this was a big deal. A huge deal.
We took one more photo of her outside and she sort of lingered on the steps for a moment. I asked her is she was ready and that moment of fear passed before her. As quickly as it had come it was gone and replaced with excitement and...assurance that everything was going to be okay. She looked up at me and said quite proudly 'yeah I'm ready' and then slapped my hand so hard the silly band ring she gave me earlier flew off my finger.
They made us hoard her into the auditorium where all the kindergartners were to meet and be dispersed from. Before sitting down she waved to some of her friends from camp and then took her place between an equally freaked out kid. Before leaving we reminded her of her teachers name and to follow an adult with a badge and that her mom would be there to pick her up from school and the nurses office was steps away if she ever got hurt and...but she interrupted and took her book bag off to get comfortable in her chair ' i know' she said with this wayward sort of confidant sort of nervous smile on her face. 'I know".
And then we left. It was over and the Belle (my nickname for her) was starting her first day of Kindergarten. Her first day of the rest of her life. And it's so weird, you know, ever thinking that you were once that small with such 'small' fears as starting a brand new school and becoming a 'big girl'. But I'm starting to think that not much has changed since I was her age, since that day I realized that 'today' was the beginning of something great.
The last few weeks have been rough. I have had a horrible time of ups and downs, regrets and acceptances and straight up frustration with my life. I can't figure out who I am suppose to be, or what I am suppose to be doing. I have this idea of myself, I have this general image of my life but how to make that an actuality is difficulty. I don't even feel like I am at a crossroads because that would denote that I had a million and one different opportunities awaiting me. It's a different sort of feeling.
My favorite story in the whole entire world is "We're Going On A Bear Hunt" which describes in a melodic cadence a family venturing from their house to explore the world outside. They encounter long wavy grass, a deep cold river and thick oozy mud on their way to the cave. And at each 'obstacle' they realise that can't go over, they can't go under it....but they have to go through it. If they want the adventure and all. And that is what my life feels like now. That I am not at a crossroads of sorts but rather at a point where in the journey where I am unsure of how to move forward. I obviously can't find some short cut around my feelings of stasis I have trudge through it if I want to continue.
And going to the First Day of Kindergarten with Michelle reminded me that life isn't too different from childhood. Outside of not having momentous days (kindergarten, first slumber party, turning 13, turning 16 )to mark a new phase of life, everyday is the beginning of the rest of your life. And it's fucking scary because it's suppose to be. Because you'd have to be inhuman to not fear becoming a person you don't hate. A person you can look at in the mirror and not regret.
And I currently understand that look in Michelle eyes before we led her into the auditorium. That 'who they hell are all these people and what am I suppose to do next' stare that I couldn't help trying to console. But it wasn't necessarily fear she was experiencing, it wasn't necessarily a look of preparation to flee. It was sort of shock and awe at being a person, and becoming someone, and not understanding what's next but being apprehensive, confidant, and assured that things will eventually be okay.
'I know' they will.
My relationship with my aunt is mending nicely. The suckassness of being 'asked out' of her home still makes me stomach drop but I refuse to let any animosity between her stop me from seeing my cousin Michelle.
This kid is freaking amazing and I am not saying this because I am a little biased. Alright, I lied I am totally biased but I generally don't find all kids to be awesome, so i'm a good judge in the 'is your kid horrible' department. Some kids, having worked in the children's department for six months now, can be little shits. I attribute this to their parents because I have literally wanted to curse out some of these heathens that walk into the store. When they aren't trashing the place (something I blame on the parents naturally) they are rude little buggers.
And Michelle is not perfect. She has thrown many a tantrums in the past. You couldn't take her to a store (target) without her losing her shit over something. But I don't know. The little kid I knew two years ago has...matured into this awesome 5 year old. Where I would have to once force hugs out of her she now gives them away freely . She is smart and intuitive and she asks a bunch of questions about the world around her. She is a girly girl who is not afraid to get dirty and her imagination is endless.
I love this kid and some of my fondest memories of New York revolve her. So when my aunt got in contact with me to say that Michelle wanted me to go to her first day of Kindergarten with her, my heart did the opposite of breaking into a million little sad pieces. Instead it burst into shards of happiness.
Last weekend I went with her and my aunt for student teacher orientation. It was a Girls Day Extravaganza. Michelle (and my aunt surprisingly) was so happy to see me and show me her purple room and crayons and dolls and...well you get the point. She is attending the Elementary school I went to as a kid, right around the corner from their house. It's a 15 minute walk and the whole way we talked about how cool going to school was going to be. She held my hand the whole way and asked if we could get pizza afterwards. Naturally my aunt and I were not opposed to this.
Orientation went well. We met her teacher, showed her around the classroom and she even met a new friend. After pizza I assured Michelle and my aunt that I would get up bright an early next Tuesday (today) to take Michelle to her first day of School. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Getting up this morning after a closing shift though was pretty rough though. I sat my alarm to 6:30 so that I could shower and eat before heading to my aunts house. I was going to walk but I live on the other side of town so I opted for a cab.
I am going to skip the extensive hell that whole cab ride was. Lets just say he drove me to the wrong address and then started screaming at me about being 'daft' for not paying attention. This is where I completely lost it on this guy and demanded that he take me back to my house because I wasn't going to get in an argument with him and that if he wanted to provide great service he should never ,ever, speak to anyone the way he spoke to me. He sort of apologized and then offered to drive me to the correct address (after I asked him to take me back to my original address like 5 times). I relented but ended the conversation with ' I will be contacting your supervisor this whole thing was unprofessional. You probably have a daughter my age and I bet you wouldn't talk to her the way you just spoke to me'. Um. can we say bad ass moment of the day. Yay me!
Anyway, when I got to my aunts house (after cursing out a cabbie's manager) Michelle was just getting ready. She was dressed in a skirt and a cute cardigan isque shirt with knee socks and mary jane shoes. We all headed to school and talked about Hanna Montana and the Jonas Brothers. Michelle was a little more nervous then usual on the walk to school (despite attending summer camp there) and I kept touching her face and saying 'you are going to do fine Kiddo'. When we got to school the parking lot was crazy with parents and crying kids and it felt like an uncomfortable circus scene.
Michelle is a very brave girl by all standards. She has a tendency of behaving as if she is much older than her 5 years. I catch myself having to remind her that though she is a 'big girl' she is still a 'little girl' and there's nothing wrong with that. But because she is often very self sufficient and looks much older than most 5 year old (she is pretty tall) I sometimes lose sight of the fact that she is going to Kindergarten. Kindergarten! How were we ever that young?
Michelle held it together for the most part. But as soon as we stopped in front of the building to take 'classic first day of school photo's' she sort of had that 'what's next' look on her face. She wasn't afraid per se but there was definitely some apprehension on her part. Like she just realized that she was going to school for the first time ever. Her eyes sort of glazed with a wide eyed amazement and a mixture of confusion. Like she finally realized this was a big deal. A huge deal.
We took one more photo of her outside and she sort of lingered on the steps for a moment. I asked her is she was ready and that moment of fear passed before her. As quickly as it had come it was gone and replaced with excitement and...assurance that everything was going to be okay. She looked up at me and said quite proudly 'yeah I'm ready' and then slapped my hand so hard the silly band ring she gave me earlier flew off my finger.
They made us hoard her into the auditorium where all the kindergartners were to meet and be dispersed from. Before sitting down she waved to some of her friends from camp and then took her place between an equally freaked out kid. Before leaving we reminded her of her teachers name and to follow an adult with a badge and that her mom would be there to pick her up from school and the nurses office was steps away if she ever got hurt and...but she interrupted and took her book bag off to get comfortable in her chair ' i know' she said with this wayward sort of confidant sort of nervous smile on her face. 'I know".
And then we left. It was over and the Belle (my nickname for her) was starting her first day of Kindergarten. Her first day of the rest of her life. And it's so weird, you know, ever thinking that you were once that small with such 'small' fears as starting a brand new school and becoming a 'big girl'. But I'm starting to think that not much has changed since I was her age, since that day I realized that 'today' was the beginning of something great.
The last few weeks have been rough. I have had a horrible time of ups and downs, regrets and acceptances and straight up frustration with my life. I can't figure out who I am suppose to be, or what I am suppose to be doing. I have this idea of myself, I have this general image of my life but how to make that an actuality is difficulty. I don't even feel like I am at a crossroads because that would denote that I had a million and one different opportunities awaiting me. It's a different sort of feeling.
My favorite story in the whole entire world is "We're Going On A Bear Hunt" which describes in a melodic cadence a family venturing from their house to explore the world outside. They encounter long wavy grass, a deep cold river and thick oozy mud on their way to the cave. And at each 'obstacle' they realise that can't go over, they can't go under it....but they have to go through it. If they want the adventure and all. And that is what my life feels like now. That I am not at a crossroads of sorts but rather at a point where in the journey where I am unsure of how to move forward. I obviously can't find some short cut around my feelings of stasis I have trudge through it if I want to continue.
And going to the First Day of Kindergarten with Michelle reminded me that life isn't too different from childhood. Outside of not having momentous days (kindergarten, first slumber party, turning 13, turning 16 )to mark a new phase of life, everyday is the beginning of the rest of your life. And it's fucking scary because it's suppose to be. Because you'd have to be inhuman to not fear becoming a person you don't hate. A person you can look at in the mirror and not regret.
And I currently understand that look in Michelle eyes before we led her into the auditorium. That 'who they hell are all these people and what am I suppose to do next' stare that I couldn't help trying to console. But it wasn't necessarily fear she was experiencing, it wasn't necessarily a look of preparation to flee. It was sort of shock and awe at being a person, and becoming someone, and not understanding what's next but being apprehensive, confidant, and assured that things will eventually be okay.
'I know' they will.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
I've Run Into A Wall.
Jesus, I had a colossal breakdown today. Colossal thanks to the five hours of sleep I got last night.
There was a time, when I was eighteen, when I literally thought I was losing my mind. I understand now that I was simply an eighteen year old girl. It's normal to hate your mom and life and look for ways of perpetual escape.
But based on my current emotional and mental state, I want to punch 18 year old me in the face for ever thinking that I was crazy then. 'Look at me now' I want to scream 'this is what crazy looks like. this is what it actually feels like'. My mind is very muddled these days. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't see beyond the hour or even the minute. I find that I am not happy with things and because of this I don't know how to react to things.
So maybe this has something to do with the failure that is PNJ and maybe it has something to do with Heather getting a crappy teaching job (and waving it in front of all of our faces. guess who came into for a cup of coffee. because you know there are no other coffee places in her town) but there has to be something else. There has to be for me to feel this bad.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge or anything. Or start being mournful to the point where I start saying 'have my computer and printer, I'm not going to need those things anymore in the afterlife' but i am...depressed. I am sad. I am grieving over losses that small and big.
I am doing my best to keep my head up. I dance as much as I can. I sing as loudly as I can. And I play around with writing to keep my sane. But going to work has become a chore. Being the happy smiley all my shits together girl is not cutting it anymore. The changes in the store are beyond ridiculous. We are short staffed and overworked, and all the new people they've hired have quit within days of being hired.
Because of this the rest of us are spread thin. Very thin. I've worked six days straight one week and I am clocking in +35 hours in that store. I know, I know. A real job would require that much of a commitment. But I'm not making real job money and I have to deal with customers who are jackasses. A guy today went on a 'this is why amazon is more convenient' spiel because there was only one copy of a book he wanted in the store and he couldn't understand why our inventory was shitty ( not that I'm a spokesperson for the bookstore I work at or anything but if you are ordering from a warehouse of course there are going to be more things in stock...asshole). Yeah. My job is great.
Anyway, the point is that not only I am unhappy with the way things are going but working at a crappy job where my skills can't be utilized and people talk to you as if you didn't graduate middle school, is quite the soul sucker. I just don't enjoy being there anymore. Everyone expects me to come in with a huge smile on my face and some optimistic we can do it gang speech but I just can't anymore. Because while I am cheering on the team I am slowly feeling more miserable about my own state of affairs. So I'm done cheering for them now. I just want to move on.
And then today happened. Which was just a big giant mess of a day that I never want to repeat. I had to close last night and then open this morning. We didn't get out of the store until 12:45 last night, I got home at 1:15. I couldn't get to sleep until 2:00 because I always get some weird sort of energy after working late. Then I had to wake up six hours later to get ready for my shift at 10.
Bullshit.
As I was on my way to work tired, hungry and depressed I heard a noise coming from an abandoned building I pass everyday. A month and a half ago an Indian restaurant caught on fire in my town. They were open for like 20 years and were a local favorite. The day it burned to the ground a huge crowd of people stood across the street and watched. It was one of the hottest days of this summer and Josh said it best that the weather was leading up to something like that. That in some weird way something had to burn to relieve the tension the heat caused. I don't know, it made sense at the time. I remember telling him that too.
The Indian restaurant ended up burning to the ground taking with it four other businesses. It was pretty brutal and the only building that survived was one that has been abandoned for years. Go figure. I pass this building every day to go to work and today as I was getting ready to make my turn to head towards the job I hear what I believed to be a baby crying. At first the sound was too low and I thought it was in the distance, but as I got further away the sound of crying turned out to be the sound of howling from a cat trapped in the building.
I look up to the second floor to see this terribly skinny, white cat with black spots pushing his face up against the window and howling from the second floor. It was the saddest thing that I've ever seen. I tried to open the door of the building it was locked and boards covered the only other entrance. There weren't any windows on the ground floor, just these wall length glass walls. As I tried to find a way in, the cat kept yelling while I struggled with my want to help it and my apprehension of going to jail. Of course 20 minutes pass and I can't find any other way into the damn building to... I don't know....rescue the cat. By then I'm running late and the cat has given up hope. It does one small meow and then falls away from the window defeated.
My heart broke. I am a very claustrophobic person. I hate being caged in any aspect of the word. And to me being lost in a big giant place is the same as being trapped in a small space. And here was this very scraggly and hungry kitty, meowing with all of his strength for someone to rescue him. I know this meow very well. It's almost a wail. Cats do it when they can't get out of a room or are stuck. It's a horrible noise.
And the moment I saw this cat pressing his face up against the window I made some absurd connection to my own life. That, like Luke ( i named him) I am in this grand big place without any foreseeable exit. That someone has simply locked me into this situation and thrown away the key. And I am too tired from trying to claw my way out of the situation, of trying to find a way out, to do anything else except wail for someone to come and save me.
By the time I get to work I was almost late and completely tired, depressed and beyond stressed about the cat. I call the number listed on the building hoping to reach the Realtor. But that number was old and the person I spoke to had no idea what I was talking about. I then attempted to call the humane society or the vet's office because I didn't know what else to do. I end up calling the non-emergency line of the police department (there is actually a line, i found it in the phone book) and explain the situation to a what I think is a very disinterested police officer.
The rest of the day is a miserable blur. I cried in the bathroom, I dragged my ass around work, and I couldn't even fake a smile. I honestly don't know how to make things better maybe because I don't know what I want. I see these girls my age walking around talking about trips to Amsterdam that they can't remember and I go 'what the hell am I doing wrong'. When will I know that I am on the right path to something. Because right now I feel like a starving and scared cat trapped in a really big building with no idea how to get out.
I need something to happen quick. I'm not sure I can handle anymore of this. And I know things will get better. But I just wish something would make these miserable days less miserable.
~Becks
Oh,
Around lunch time though I went back to the building to see if the cat was still there, and great Scots there were men outside the building surveying the area. The front door was wide open and a police car was parked across the street. When I went up to ask what was going on they said they were there because they received a call from a concerned citizen about a cat trapped in a building.
Scraggly Kitty is safe!
There was a time, when I was eighteen, when I literally thought I was losing my mind. I understand now that I was simply an eighteen year old girl. It's normal to hate your mom and life and look for ways of perpetual escape.
But based on my current emotional and mental state, I want to punch 18 year old me in the face for ever thinking that I was crazy then. 'Look at me now' I want to scream 'this is what crazy looks like. this is what it actually feels like'. My mind is very muddled these days. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't see beyond the hour or even the minute. I find that I am not happy with things and because of this I don't know how to react to things.
So maybe this has something to do with the failure that is PNJ and maybe it has something to do with Heather getting a crappy teaching job (and waving it in front of all of our faces. guess who came into for a cup of coffee. because you know there are no other coffee places in her town) but there has to be something else. There has to be for me to feel this bad.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge or anything. Or start being mournful to the point where I start saying 'have my computer and printer, I'm not going to need those things anymore in the afterlife' but i am...depressed. I am sad. I am grieving over losses that small and big.
I am doing my best to keep my head up. I dance as much as I can. I sing as loudly as I can. And I play around with writing to keep my sane. But going to work has become a chore. Being the happy smiley all my shits together girl is not cutting it anymore. The changes in the store are beyond ridiculous. We are short staffed and overworked, and all the new people they've hired have quit within days of being hired.
Because of this the rest of us are spread thin. Very thin. I've worked six days straight one week and I am clocking in +35 hours in that store. I know, I know. A real job would require that much of a commitment. But I'm not making real job money and I have to deal with customers who are jackasses. A guy today went on a 'this is why amazon is more convenient' spiel because there was only one copy of a book he wanted in the store and he couldn't understand why our inventory was shitty ( not that I'm a spokesperson for the bookstore I work at or anything but if you are ordering from a warehouse of course there are going to be more things in stock...asshole). Yeah. My job is great.
Anyway, the point is that not only I am unhappy with the way things are going but working at a crappy job where my skills can't be utilized and people talk to you as if you didn't graduate middle school, is quite the soul sucker. I just don't enjoy being there anymore. Everyone expects me to come in with a huge smile on my face and some optimistic we can do it gang speech but I just can't anymore. Because while I am cheering on the team I am slowly feeling more miserable about my own state of affairs. So I'm done cheering for them now. I just want to move on.
And then today happened. Which was just a big giant mess of a day that I never want to repeat. I had to close last night and then open this morning. We didn't get out of the store until 12:45 last night, I got home at 1:15. I couldn't get to sleep until 2:00 because I always get some weird sort of energy after working late. Then I had to wake up six hours later to get ready for my shift at 10.
Bullshit.
As I was on my way to work tired, hungry and depressed I heard a noise coming from an abandoned building I pass everyday. A month and a half ago an Indian restaurant caught on fire in my town. They were open for like 20 years and were a local favorite. The day it burned to the ground a huge crowd of people stood across the street and watched. It was one of the hottest days of this summer and Josh said it best that the weather was leading up to something like that. That in some weird way something had to burn to relieve the tension the heat caused. I don't know, it made sense at the time. I remember telling him that too.
The Indian restaurant ended up burning to the ground taking with it four other businesses. It was pretty brutal and the only building that survived was one that has been abandoned for years. Go figure. I pass this building every day to go to work and today as I was getting ready to make my turn to head towards the job I hear what I believed to be a baby crying. At first the sound was too low and I thought it was in the distance, but as I got further away the sound of crying turned out to be the sound of howling from a cat trapped in the building.
I look up to the second floor to see this terribly skinny, white cat with black spots pushing his face up against the window and howling from the second floor. It was the saddest thing that I've ever seen. I tried to open the door of the building it was locked and boards covered the only other entrance. There weren't any windows on the ground floor, just these wall length glass walls. As I tried to find a way in, the cat kept yelling while I struggled with my want to help it and my apprehension of going to jail. Of course 20 minutes pass and I can't find any other way into the damn building to... I don't know....rescue the cat. By then I'm running late and the cat has given up hope. It does one small meow and then falls away from the window defeated.
My heart broke. I am a very claustrophobic person. I hate being caged in any aspect of the word. And to me being lost in a big giant place is the same as being trapped in a small space. And here was this very scraggly and hungry kitty, meowing with all of his strength for someone to rescue him. I know this meow very well. It's almost a wail. Cats do it when they can't get out of a room or are stuck. It's a horrible noise.
And the moment I saw this cat pressing his face up against the window I made some absurd connection to my own life. That, like Luke ( i named him) I am in this grand big place without any foreseeable exit. That someone has simply locked me into this situation and thrown away the key. And I am too tired from trying to claw my way out of the situation, of trying to find a way out, to do anything else except wail for someone to come and save me.
By the time I get to work I was almost late and completely tired, depressed and beyond stressed about the cat. I call the number listed on the building hoping to reach the Realtor. But that number was old and the person I spoke to had no idea what I was talking about. I then attempted to call the humane society or the vet's office because I didn't know what else to do. I end up calling the non-emergency line of the police department (there is actually a line, i found it in the phone book) and explain the situation to a what I think is a very disinterested police officer.
The rest of the day is a miserable blur. I cried in the bathroom, I dragged my ass around work, and I couldn't even fake a smile. I honestly don't know how to make things better maybe because I don't know what I want. I see these girls my age walking around talking about trips to Amsterdam that they can't remember and I go 'what the hell am I doing wrong'. When will I know that I am on the right path to something. Because right now I feel like a starving and scared cat trapped in a really big building with no idea how to get out.
I need something to happen quick. I'm not sure I can handle anymore of this. And I know things will get better. But I just wish something would make these miserable days less miserable.
~Becks
Oh,
Around lunch time though I went back to the building to see if the cat was still there, and great Scots there were men outside the building surveying the area. The front door was wide open and a police car was parked across the street. When I went up to ask what was going on they said they were there because they received a call from a concerned citizen about a cat trapped in a building.
Scraggly Kitty is safe!
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