Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween! Of course I am spending the bulk of my day at work but I made a Halloween playlist to get me through today. What I wouldn't give to be at home in my pajamas watching horror movies all day. Le sigh.

Counting Down the Days

I am not ready for Halloween this year. Not one bit and surprisingly, I am okay with this.

 There was a brief window of time when I worked at Le Sad Store where Halloween was sort of the highlight of my year. I'd anxiously count down the days until the big day or at least the big events surrounding the holiday. I think my last exciting Halloween was at Patricia's house (before she became my arch-nemesis) and hung out with people from work dressed up in ridiculous costumes, drunk as can be and for the most part happy.

But that was 3 Halloween's ago.

The last two Halloweens have been dismal for various reasons. The year after Patricia's party was the first Halloween in my new place and I was too poor to do much of anything. I ended up renting a bunch of movies from the library and eating candy all day.  Last year, I was supposed to go to the Halloween parade in the city with Kat but she had a complete and utter meltdown the day of because her costume didn't fit, so I cancelled the parade and Halloween and just sat at home and watched scary movies all night.

This year, I was so focused on buying a car that outside of Comic Con, I didn't plan much for the remainder of October or Halloween. Friend break-ups are legit like romantic ones and honestly this my first Halloween without Kat. She was usually the one who came up with holiday themed activities. So this might explain why October sort of flew by and now here I am on the eve of Halloween with nothing to do. I don't even have a super cute work appropriate 'costume' to wear.

And I know, I know, there is still time to pull this weekend together. Heather texted me super early this morning and asked if I wanted to run errands with her. She is at the moment my only real friend, so while the temptation to stay home and watch scary movies while eating a lot of food is very alluring, I recognize my need for social interaction. Regardless, I still said I was "busy" but that next weekend i was down for errand running and shit talking for sure.

Soon after Heather's early morning text my aunt (oh my aunt) asked me if I was going trick or treating on Monday.

????

I shouldn't have to explain that I am a 30 year old woman who hasn't been trick or treating since I was 12 years old. I shouldn't have to explain why it is completely ridiculous to ask said 30 year old woman whether she plans on trick or treating Monday. I can only assume (and hope) that my aunt's idiotic question was more of an attempt to gauge if I were willing to drive her and Michelle around Halloween night and not an actual assumption from my aunt that after work tomorrow, I am going to hit up a bunch of neighborhoods for candy wearing a costume. I can only hope this is what she meant.

Of course I sent a reply back immediately stating that "um, i'm way too old for trick or treating". She didn't respond back, so I am half expecting a text tomorrow afternoon  my car services (tho Halloween seems to be the one holiday that doesn't require a car). This year has been equal parts great and exhausting and maybe my disinterest in Halloween in many ways is a result of this. Instead of living in the moment I found myself counting down the days:

I am counting down the days until this shit show of an election is over and the country can return to normal. But even then I am not sure what normal is going to look like. Just the other day a stranger spit on my friend as he was coming out of a store. My friend often cos-plays as Chef from South Park if you need to know what he looks. This older gentlemen was wearing a Hillary for Prison t-shirt. No words at all were exchanged preceding the event. He just saw my friend and spat on him. This is not the America I know and love, this is not the America I want to live in .

I am counting down the days until Thanksgiving. I am heading home for the holidays and will get to hang out with my nephew again. He's 5 now and adorable and asked me a few weeks ago when I was coming over "grandma's house to play with him". I need these yearly visits home. This restore me and remind me who I am and where I come from.

I am counting down the days until December: cold, grey awful December. I still get very weird during the first two weeks. I replay everything leading up to and after Marie's death during those weeks. It's impossible for me not too, her life continues to play on this loop and I haven't solved the big puzzle of her death that I think would relieve me of the grief I experience especially in December. I am sullen and sad and unreachable, so i prepare for the depression like I would a store.

And finally, I'm counting down until News Year. I find the holidays stressful. I am smothered with expectations of Christmas miracles and New Year Resolutions. I hold my breath every year as the countdown to midnight begins. And I pray anxiously that when the clock hits 12, that everything can just restart or rather fall back into place effortlessly and that the previous is just a series of memories that I can look back on fondly but also move past with grace.

But I am nowhere near the strike of Midnight on New Years Eve. Instead here I am the day before Halloween, stretched on my couch watching shitty horror movies, eating way too much pizza and playing the numbers game on when i think I will finally relax and live in the moment again.

Recalls

This morning, I had to drive to a Nissan dealership to get the recall on my car fixed. I knew about this recall the day i purchased the car but by that point I was so eager to own a car and not take the bus anymore, I told myself I'd take care of the recall as soon as possible rather than wait for the non-Nissan dealership to send it away to get fixed. .

But of course, as soon as possible quickly turned into next week which then turned into maybe the following week which became "maybe i don't need to get this recall fixed at all. I can just deal as is". It's not that I didn't have the time, I was just anxious that by taking my car in for a recall the mechanics would uncover some insidious damage that would render it un-drivable. I pride myself on being a pretty optimistic person but I am actually a bit of a pessimist and a worry wart. When things are good, I worry that it's because something awful is lurking behind good's corner.

I am a person who is rarely at ease. I expect the rug to be pulled up from under me all the time. That there is always some invisible banana peel around that i could slip and fall on.  I am not sure why I am constantly uneasy. But I anticipate the worst because when things are good I don't feel worthy of it. Growing up my mom would have to tell me (and only me) not to touch things in stores because despite everything, I often managed to break things. I'd get too close and then worry about my closeness which would result in some clumsiness that would break said item, Even now, I am clumsy to an un-adorable fault. Don't ever ask me to hold something because I will focus all of my energy on not dropping the thing that I get nervous and end up dropping it anyway

And if I can be honest this car thing has been the best thing in a really long time for me. The mobility has allowed me to benefit from the small graces of my little life. I can spend mornings now running errands, making breakfast, watching the news (um, Bob's Burger) and cleaning my house. My evenings are equally relaxing and great because of how much time I have now to do other things. And weekends, lord weekends, are magnificent and adventurous. I can hit up the farmers market, drive to the library, go shopping and cruise down my very small town where there are several farms and orchards. And because i am me, this is all done before noon so I still have the rest of the day to be an introvert and chill under covers while Netflix is on. It's splendid.

Things are generally good in my life. The car is an extra good thing, so naturally I feel uneasy and that perhaps the bough is going to break soon because I don't think I deserve all this good. I feel clumsy with it and that I will eventually, like everything else, drop it. I got this car at a unrealistic price because the dealership made an advertising error. Outside of a few small dinks here and there the car is literally the gem I was waiting for: 1 previous owner, low mileage, no major accidents.

This good fortune has me freaked out and perhaps the real reasons I haven't gotten the recall fixed is because I assumed this was the apex moment where things would come crashing down. That after today, I would find out something was seriously wrong with my car and that I would return to my dependent and limited life.

I am afraid of dependency. That's why, i preferred walking when I didn't have a car. I never asked for rides, I never took cabs or rode buses. If my legs could take me, I'd muster up all the strength and walk to my destination. I understood that I didn't have a car and that I was limited to certain areas for limited times. So i did the best that I could and I walked.

When I moved of course, walking to and from work was an impossibility. I moved to a town that was far from my work life and social life. I quickly adapted to taking the bus and train but I recognized that in doing so it didn't leave much time for anything else. I'd get rides from Kat and Heather occasionally but I never abused their generosity.  I never asked for rides just because, I never expected to be invited or included to things that I couldn't reasonably travel too and i didn't make plans that would require a friend driving.

I still tried to be as independent as possible even if that meant making social sacrifices. But of course having a car has imbued me with all this independence it's almost overwhelming. The independence feels so good and I know I could never go back to life before driving.    I am not waiting around for the bus or a ride from a friend or cancelling plans because I have no way of getting to a location. My new independence is magical and guilt free. This fear of course drives my pessimism, because i love the independence so much.

How I approached not having a car is not how my aunt has approached my new car situation and I must admit her current situation made me ever more afraid to take my car to get the recall done (I must note, for the most part there has been nothing obviously wrong with my car since buying it. It runs well, it sounds great and for a 7 year old car I am pleasantly surprised. But it is still a used car and people kept telling me the horror stories about used car ownership. So i knew at some point, I would have to get my car checked to eliminate big issues)

This weekend, I finally caved and spent the morning with my aunt who has been begging me for weeks to drive her around. She is the epitome of a dependent person, and my biggest fear is becoming as desperate and dependent as she has. Since getting my car my aunt has tried every excuse to get me over to her house.She wants to see me, she wants to make me dinner (she doesn't cook), my cousin Michelle wants to see me (she's 11, she only cares about her phone). After those excuses failed she simply outright asked for car favors: my knees are bad i need a ride to work/supermarket/shopping mall.

It was pretty bad. Just last week she asked me to drive Michelle to a girls scout meeting that was around the corner from their apartment. I nearly threw a fit. I ignored the request of course, but I was taken aback by her gall. I saved money for this car, I toughed out months and pinched all sorts of pennies so I could buy without leasing or financing and here my aunt was demanding that my car suddenly become part of her routine as well.

This weekend I was in her town for a few hours, so i took this opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.  I could run errands and drive with my aunt and cousin in tow. Of course this was the worst decision I could have made. As soon as she (and my cousin) entered my car, she needed me to take her to her friends house, to the supermarket, to the mall, back to her friends house and to a restaurant she wanted to place and pick up an order from.

She was pretty ungrateful about the whole morning. She complained that I waited so long to come and visit. She complained that her knees were super bad and times were rough and she wasn't sure if she could afford to take the bus this week (::wink wink::). She also kept trying to stall when I told her I had to head back to my apartment soon to meet a friend. She would quickly ask me to drive her to "just one more place". Eventually, I just headed back to her house regardless of the protest from both my aunt and Michelle. I only learned later as I was dropping them off that Michelle had another Girl's Scout meeting in an hour and by the power of deduction, I assumed she was trying to stall until that meeting begin so I could drop them off there.

As m aunt was getting out of the car and placing her bags on the curb, Michelle and I were left alone for a few minutes to chat. During this very brief exchange she exclaims "i can't wait til my mom gets you a handicap sticker so we can park in the handicap spots from now on". What the hell are you talking about kid!? Yes, my aunt recently had unnecessary knee surgery. Yes, she has been milking this surgery for 4 months now.   She uses a cane still and takes medication that are both unneeded. I have witnessed her theatrics in public places where she will tell sales associates of how much pain she is in so she can get special treatment.

But that special treatment ends with me. I would never illegally use a handicap sticker for medical issues I do not have! As the cars owner I am the only one who can request a handicap sticker for my car. So why, in the world, does my aunt think she alone is capable of obtaining a sticker for my car based on her bad knee which implies that I will be driving her around so much that having one is necessary. AND why would you tell your daughter this which in a weird manipulative way gave her the hopes that she would have a built in chauffeur.

I have no words. No words at all. I just sort of drove away and I made no immediate plans of visiting her anytime soon. She is what I fear I could become. This needy, desperate, dependent person who isn't ashamed by the favors she asks of people. Even when things were tough I made them work as best as I could, and as hard as it is for me,  when things are good I try to make it work, to sustain and care for it as best as I can. Sustaining however, always ends up being the hardest thing for me.

Today was my first attempt at sustaining. Today was my first attempt at not fumbling the things under my care. I notified my job that I would be a few hours late because I was getting my car checked. I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and was the first person in line to get the recall fixed. I was there for 3 hours. I chilled in the waiting area, read my book, watched Youtube videos and checked work emails. I shuddered often at the awful noise of someone working on a car: metal on metal is an unpleasant sound. I waited to hear my name called telling me everything was taken care of. I also waited to hear that I purchased a lemon and that my independence would soon come to a close.

Obviously, theatrics runs in my family. My name was eventually called and my car is fine! Well as fine as a 7 year old car can be. I'll have to get the battery checked soon and maybe an oil change in a few months but nothing so major to worry about. Plus, the recall was fixed which was the last major thing I had to check off my list when I first purchased this car. For some reason this makes it seem super official. I own something, this car is mine, I am close and not fumbling and grasping for air. I am sustaining in one aspect of my life and it feels nice. Cautiously nice but nice.  I don't know how to deal with this revelation but at the moment I am proud of my small achievement.

Fall-Ness

A real post shortly :)

Until then, this is the extent of my Fall decorating (and other fall like activities) for this year.

I sort of adore the simplicity of my life these days.

Pros Vs. Cons about Car Ownership

Pro's: damn near everything. 

Con's: being hounded by my aunt to drive her and my cousin all over the place because she is a manipulative, free-loading, disgrace of a person who has literally gone out of her way to say I am not being a good niece because I don't want to drive her all over the place. 

I wish I was exaggerating but after two splendid days at New York Comic Con with my friend Heather I woke up today to a litany of texts from my aunt (who I've been avoiding since my car purchase) asking me to drive my cousin Michelle to a Girl Scouts meeting in a town I have never driven to. 

Unfortunately, while I have had only had my car for about 3 weeks my aunt has asked me almost every day to either drive her to work, pick Michelle up from places I've never been too or help her run errands. I have ignored all of these requests because my aunt has a proven record of using people. This doesn't mean that I do not feel a little guilty for not being their unpaid cab driver but I don't want to get into a habit of picking her up occasionally that she grows to believe she can also rely on me for a free ride. 

While I was at Comic Con yesterday she sent me a nasty text accusing me of avoiding her. When I told her I was busy, she said she's been dying to see my car since I got it and that I make her so sick for denying her this! I then wake up today with a text from asking me to drive Michelle to some Girl Scout Meeting this afternoon. 

I am livid. I am pissed. I love my Blackberry but I never thought having a car would come with this awful responsibility of informing people that you are not a cab driver and that they will have to make do as they have in the past without a car. I am so mayad. I can't even process my anger. 

Comic Con however was very fun and I got so much free swag, i have to go through most of it like I used to go through candy stashes as a kid. 

End Rant