Thanks Santa

So, um Christmas was amazing! Every year I have high hopes for a miracle or lifetime-isque close to the holidays and I am surprised and delighted by how I came to experiencing that this year. Last year i was such a mess and things were so blurry that I don't remember much of it. I felt alone and scared and depressed out of my mind. I was a mess. And looking back on this year, I'll admit, I didn't know how I was going to make it. Or what my life would look like on the other side of grief

 But I promised myself that the month of December wouldn't be this black cloud every year. That for a month of cheesy holiday music and movies, hopes and desires,  I'd miss my best friend but appreciate the years I had with her. Which also means being okay with the life i've created for myself now that she's gone.

And this month was fucking magical. It had it's terrible moments but for the most part it was magical. I put up some awesome christmas lights and spent my mornings sipping hot chocolate and reading great books

Heather and I baked cookies and brownies last Friday. It was better than i expected. While she has a tendency of getting on my nerves our night was filled with nostalgia and cookie dough. We talked about everything, laughed at the absurdity of the quarter life crisis and watched Doctor Phil. Because what else were we going to do.

We made enough cookies to split between us. Kat and I decided that this year we wanted to make gift boxes for our closest friends at work (5 people) and then personalize holiday cards for everyone else. On Saturday she came over my house and we lounged in pajama's, listened to dope christmas music and filled out 50 holiday cards for our co-workers attached with a Hershey kiss and hug! For the boxes we added the cookies Heather and I made, a mix cd, candy, and a personalized item for each person.

 It took us four hours! And by the end of the card signing and box stuffing we were cranky and tired but glad that we contributed to the holiday spirit. We exchanged gifts before she left and I got a motherfucking waffle maker!!!!! And some other dope gifts (the bag is from a suicide awareness orgazination. The pencil case is from Sherlock Holmes...and yeah, and I got a Buffy Necklace!!!!)

On Sunday....Sean finally bought my snowflake sheets. We worked the same shift that day and he said we could go after work to pick them out. Before we went shopping though he asked me if we could watch a movie at my house (snerks gerks!) just for a little while (it's a long story but i've never seen Pulp Fiction and our friend bought the movie for me to watch. I hadn't yet). While I would have said no just a few days ago, the realization that I wouldn't see him for a whole week got to me. So i said sure but that he couldn't laugh when he saw how girly it was.

We went to my house right after work and he stayed for over an hour! He sat in my pink butterfly chair while I camped out on the bed and we watched Pulp Fiction. He kept looking at my room and said he liked it. That it was me. It was sweet. During the movie he kept glancing at me and I'd say
what" and he would reply that he was just making sure I was paying attention.

We watched a good chunk of it before we realized it was late. I walked him to his car and we hugged out it. I thanked him for coming over and he said that he had a good time watching it with me.

Le sigh. I like him.

I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my aunt and cousins! We watched a ton of movies and drank eggnog. We went to sleep that night with snow falling. In the morning I made breakfast (pancakes, hash browns, cinnamon rolls and eggs) and I must say everything was pretty tasty. My aunt bought me an awesome pajama set and perfume and later that night we had ham and apple cider.

When I got home Sean left me a text wishing me a Merry Christmas and that he missed me. Kat thanked me for her gifts. And I opened some awesome gifts from my mom before falling into the best sleep ever.

This year has been really rough. I have more downs than ups if i can be honest, but the last few days have been splendid and lovely and I am happy. Incredibly and utterly happy.

Waiting For A Christmas Miracle.

Welp, Christmas sort of snuck up on me this year.

I don't know where my head is at these days. I feel like I just got back from Thanksgiving break. How in the hell is it Wednesday? How in the hell is Christmas less then a week away.

I woke up today in a near panic because I spent the night wrapping my moms gifts so that I could mail them this morning. But yesterday I had a holiday Christmas party at the law school, followed by a trip to the mall and target for last minute shopping, followed by actual work and then a meet up with Kat so we could fill out holiday cards for people at work. I got home around 7. Wrapped my mom's gift and checked the status of my online orders that have not come in yet and then passed out around 11.

I didn't wake up until 10am! And that was only because Kat's boot broke at work and she wanted to know if I had any she could borrow. I hurried off to the post office to mail my mom's gift, then to the store and literally gave her the shoes I was wearing (i had sneakers with me) and then scurried to the mall for a last minute purchase. I feel like I haven't had a moment of silence or clarity the last couple of weeks. And i am a little stressed.

It also doesn't help that every year, despite how old I get, I hold out for some Christmas miracle. My expectations are always so fucking high that by New Years I have cursed the year for it's awfulness and disappointment. But last Christmas I was such a fucking mess. I didn't want to celebrate the holiday at all. I don't remember what i did for Christmas to be honest. I think i went to my aunts house. I think I opened gifts. I remember being a piss poor guest though no one seemed to notice. I was a ghost.

I promised myself that i would try to enjoy myself this year. That i would evoke the spirit of Christmas passed and appreciate my time with family and friends. But Lifetimes movies and childhood have ruined me for life I want it to snow on Christmas. I want to be kissed under a mistletoe. I want amazing thoughtful gifts from friends. I want to feel lovely and special and that everything will be okay. I want a happy ending to this very interesting last year.

Instead, Kat and I have had no time to hang out because of holiday hours and conflicting schedules. We barely see each at work and texting has been our main form of communication (or rushed visits at work to say hi to her). This weekend we plan to exchange gifts (if hers comes in time) and then finish up last minute gift wrapping for friends.

A good friend from work has expressed interest in dating me. He came up to me a week ago and passively asked me what i would do if I was secretly in love with one of my best friends. Inside i rolled my eyes, because it is no secret that he likes me, and I told him i wouldn't know what'd i do though i have been in a similar situation before. He asked if this was a recent situation. I told him yes. He asked how the situation played out. I told him it didn't because I got tired of waiting for the guys feelings to catch up with mine.

I think he thought i was talking about him, so i quickly added that I'd make sure that the person liked me back before confessing anything. Needless to say the last few weeks have been awkward between us. I have a tendency of sending mixed signals. Around Sean I am mean and distant. I get angry at him quickly and am quick to find fault so i can judge because I am madly deeply in like with this asshole. With said friend, who i have no interest in dating, i am friendly and flirty. I play into his idea that we could be a couple. I'll hold his hand and say the stupidest things because I'm...not...madly...in....like with me. I don't know what is wrong with.

In the Sean department we are still...us. The other week we went to another wrestling party at our friends house. To say it was a disaster would be an understatement. Just thinking about it now makes me mad. In a nutshell, he was a sweat heart on the way to her house. We talked and laughed and danced to really loud music. We get to her house and he becomes an asshole. I am not into wrestling so I sat in the corner by myself watching the event but not saying much. So he chimes in that if i just planned on not participating at the party i shouldn't have come.

I sulked the rest of the night. Cried on the way home. When I saw him a week later at work I ignored him. But he wouldn't leave me alone so i told him that i was sick of the way we are. That something needs to get better between us because it's difficult being his friend (who he is mean too) and it's obvious that I'm not his girl (even though he have a non-sexual though intimate relationship). He apologized, said he'd try harder with me that I put a lot of pressure on him to be something he isn't (true). He asked what i wanted for Christmas. I told him, don't laugh, that I'd really like some bedsheets because I like decorating my room based on the season and that I'd hadn't bought winter themed bedsheets yet. He asked me if I was serious. I told him to forget it and that he didn't have to buy me anything. But he said if it's what i really wanted he would get it for me. But instead of going to the store and buying them for me he attempted to give me the cash for the sheets instead because buying them for me would 'take too much time".

I don't think this fucker will ever understand and i am constantly let down by my expectations and his lack of follow through.

Christmas is less then a week away and to be honest it hasn't felt very christmasy around here. I haven't had time to sit down and just watch a good Christmas movie on television or bake cupcakes. This Friday Heather and I (friend from new job) are baking cookies at her house. Then this weekend I hope to exchange gifts with Kat. I surprisingly have Christmas Eve off, which is a first! I'm going to sleep in and if the presents from my mom come in time I'll open them then. Naturally I am also holding out from some other campy Christmas miracles. Snow, a confession of love from Sean, an affordable apartment and a kitty named Jack. Fingers crossed, I guess but i won't hold my breath.

Tears and Fears

When I was in therapy I was told that I have a tendency of putting other people before myself. I can't remember how we got to this conclusion but we did and it is one of the conversations i replay over and over again.

I vaguely remember telling him this story about a time I stood up for a girl when I was in the sixth grade. She was someone who clearly could not defend herself and when i saw that she, a person i had not spoken too before, was corned by a group of ashats yelling cruel things to her ('ugly retard' is what stood out to me) i put my own fears of retaliation behind me and yelled "what if she were you're sister! stop making fun of her!". I then dragged the sobbing girl away from the crowd of leering bullies and told her i'd walk her to class. She said something along the lines of 'but wont they just make fun of you now' and i told i didn't think that far ahead to worry about that but that we should get to homeroom and forget this ever happened.

I told my therapist that i didn't understand why it was so easy for me to defend other people but when it came to defending myself I continued to fail at doing so. And he looked at me as if he couldn't believe that answer didn't smack me in the face: because you always puts someone else first instead of yourself, of course defending yourself is hard. It's the ultimate form of putting yourself out there.

And i can't believe that after all these years being able to express hurt and anger and disappointment to other people is hard for me. When i get upset I immediately boil the feelings up. I let it sit and stir and fester until i lash out. I am the queen of silent treatment. I have earned multiple gold medals in passive aggression. Even now i don't know how to value my own feelings enough to speak up when it is me on the end of the teasing or the tears or the anger. And i am finding it less and less productive.

These next few week are going to be weird. I don't want to say it is going to be emotionally and mentally devastating but i'm not going to say it isn't going to be tough to hold it all together. Thursday is Marie's birthday (forever i was convinced her birthday fell on the 5th of December but alas, December 6th it is) . She would have turned 27. I am going to call her mom tomorrow just to...I don't know. Speak to her, ask how she is doing, let her know how i am doing. I want to reiterate all the things I wrote in the letter i sent her a year ago. I want to let her know that someone else out there misses her daughter as much as she does. And maybe it won't mean anything. Maybe it will. But it's something i want to do for myself.

This year has gone by so fucking quickly. So much has changed and I still can't believe that I've gotten to this date and time and moment without her. It's unbelievable. I find myself replaying the events from last year over in my head a lot. It's easy to do when I have posts that remind me of the week leading up to her death and the weeks after. It's easy to do when I hang out with friends, pine over Sean, go home and realize that she isn't apart of it anymore. I can't whine to her. I can't ask for her advice. And sometimes that knowledge is a punch in the gut or a tearful moment in a corner at work or in the passenger seat of a dumb boys car.

I have been spiraling more than i've let on. I have not found a way to cope that is positive. I want to go to therapy again because the hardest part of grief is learning how to adjust to this new normal as well as accepting it. Because things are different. I am different. Hell even my wants and desires are new. And it is freaking me out because a part of me is afraid to accept that this is my life now: without her. And it isn't better or worse it is just different. A part of me is trying to understand what it is that i want from myself these days because I am not use to putting myself first and I feel overwhelmed by having to so that i don't drown under my anxiety, depression and general worries.

I made a small step in this department on Friday when I kind of told Sean how I feel about him. Well, i told him that there was a time that I "use" to like him, not so long ago, and that i am gradually working on 'crushing' on him less. He seemed a littled stunned by this confession, maybe even hurt, and asked why my feelings had changed. I told him I had no other choice but to get over him because it felt like his feelings were not catching up to mine and I wasn't sure if they ever would.

I then told him that this has been an incredibly hard year for me and that instead of dealing with my best friends death in a way that will help me I have been distracting myself . I told him that I want to focus on me for awhile even if that meant...being a little selfish. I don't know who i am anymore since she died. My role and spot has shifted greatly. I feel as if i am learning how to be a daughter, friend and person again and sometimes i fail at that. I don't know how the next part happened but he looked at me and told me he was my friend. And i told him that he wasn't. Because lets be honest for every good thing Sean has done there is a long list of ways he has not been a good friend to me. I don't know why i told him this. I guess i wanted to get him off his high horse because sometimes he has this air about him that he is saving me. That if he werent around I wouldn't know what to do.

But this is coming from a boy who left me in closet, who gropes me but says it doesn't mean anything, who won't give me his phone number because i'm not his girlfriend (yet other people and chicks at work have his digits). This comes from a boy who didn't tell me until days later that he sent me to get dog food for his girlfriend, who didn't remember my birthday, who has made me walk home numerous times because he didn't like my attitude. This is coming from a boy who hits on underage girls and is seriously thinking of buying me a vibrator for Christmas....so i can think of him. If anything this boy is struggling to be my friend. I get upset with him every other day it seems. I feel ugly and insignificant when I am around him. I have tried to be someone else so that he will recognize me and instead all i feel is degraded and small.

So when he said that he was a good friend, as if he was nominating himself for an award, I couldn't believe my ears. So i told him the truth...that he hasn't been a good friend. And do you know what he did. Do you know what this closet leaving, boob touching, inconsiderate asshole did...

He looked away. Got really silent. Cleared his throat as if something were stuck in it, turned red and then returned his gaze back to mine...full of tears. "go on" he said his voice breaking and i realized that he was crying. Like actual man tears. And my heart fucking dropped. I was not expecting this. I was expecting him to say something mean back. I was prepared for him to tell me to go fuck myself.

 I don't think I've ever made anyone cry before. And I sure didn't think i'd ever make this one cry. And sure this wasn't a full on sob but it was the most controlled form of crying I've ever witnessed. I dropped whatever I was holding at the time and pulled him in for a hug. I caved and said i was 'sorry' over and over until i couldn't say it anymore. I told him that i don't know how to be anyone's friend either and that maybe we could both work on being there for the other.

After a moment we pulled away and he said he got upset because i was right. He comes from a family where the roles are often gray and indistinguishable. His father doesn't know how to be a father. His mother doesn't know how to be a mother. His sisters don't know how to be sisters. And now here he is not even knowing how to be a good friend...when I've needed it the most this year.

And despite how inconsiderate and stupid and dumb this boy can be, this all made sense to me. I understood what he meant completely.I admitted that is the one thing I have struggled with as well, especially this year. I no longer know who i am or what i am to people. Some days I feel lost and without a stable foundation. I struggle to understand all the wants and needs and desires that are floating in front of me. I struggle with my role as a friend, daughter, potential awesome girlfriend. I am struggling. I am head above water but struggling. And i am tired.

So instead of hitting some terrible dark angry place I need to figure out and get myself together. It's weird feeling like I am just particles of this person floating in a million different directions. And there is this force trying to pull the particles back together. And i'm not sure what the final result will look but i'll be a whole person again, one day. I just needed to get to this place a year later of bad decisions, hurt feelings, terrible grief and misplaced feelings to realize this.