Back to the Grind.

Thanksgiving was amazing, per usual.

I ate way too much. Spent most of my days playing Just Dance 3 on the Wii. And slept a lot.

I arrived back in New York yesterday to my hectic, hectic, complicated life and am sort of feeling homesick today. There was something so peaceful about being home and having to worry about little.

Outside of that, I am terribly excited to be back. Of course I had a few revelations while home: about the past, about myself and the future, and am ready to make some concrete plans about my next move in the job, writing and life department.

But of course, I have to go to work now, so I won't be able to write about it until later. I did not miss Le Sad Store while I was away, I dread going to work today. I'm prepared to give customers the stank eye all day.

Until Later

Beckett

Falling into Place.

After four hours spent building a desk that should have taken a total of 30 minutes to put together....I now have a functioning, though semi wobbly desk in my room. And it has made a world of difference. I haven't had a desk in a room, since college and not writing in bed feels good.





Of course, the 'whole putting the thing together' ordeal was brutal. I'm awful with tools and decided two hours into my 'why the fuck are there so many screws for such a small desk...and what is this metal thing...a shelf, the back...i'm losing it" rant, to call McAbs back to put the thing together (lets be honest, I kind of just wanted him in my house again. It felt nice). But I didn't, for several reasons, and instead called Cool Ass Dude (who was the previous owner) so he could walk me through the building process. Despite having four screws left over, the desk is at least upright! So yay, me.



I was a little hesistant that having a desk in my room would take up a lot of space but it fits so nicely in the corner, I'm not sure how i've gone this long without one. The new addition is a small accomplishment that I am pretty proud of. I mean the amount of writing alone, i've gotten down since Saturday can vouche for this.





In other news, I am going home this Saturday for Thanksgiving. The managers put a hault on anyone requesting the holidays off, but I sort of stomped into the office and told the store manager that I'd already purchased tickets to go home and that Thanksgiving is the only holiday I am able to go home for. She said it was okay, this time, but next year (like that's gonna happen) I won't be allowed to request Thanksgiving week off. I'm working on not being their next thanksgiving so i'm sure this wont be a problem.





Of course, I am very excited to be heading home. I need a break from my new york life and everything around me. I'd like to go home, relax, spend time with my family and come up with a game plan as to what I need to do in the next few months to change my current situation. I hate that my life sounds like a record on repeat, but I need a new job, I need to meet people, i'd even like to try the dating (because having a uber crush on McAbs is not healthy; despite how tenderly he treated the things and people in my home. I hate that he has a girlfriend).



My home life is falling into place, i like my friends and my growing photography hobby. I like my morning routines, and wriitng late at night. I like a lot of things about my life currently, but I know that I desire more stability in areas that I am going to have to work my butt off to attain. Which i'm willing to do, after my small break from it all in South Carolina with my family.

'Not Without Your Permission'

So apparently I find these four words very attractive when said from the mouths of cute boys. Seriously.

A week ago, Cool Ass Dude from Work, said he was getting a new desk and was going to have to put his old one in storage unless he could find someone to take it off his hands. Despite my initial fears of collecting a lot of things, when he said this, I immediately said "I'll take it, I've been wanting a desk in my room for a while now'. I am pretty comfortable with my living situation and until I get a job in the city (where living closer will be both cheaper and lighter on the travel thing) I have every intention of remaining at my current place for at least another year.

And because my brain and heart knows this, I want to decorate and personalize my room as much as possible. I want to bring a sense of calm and comfort to my home away from home and a desk is just the touch I need in my space. Because I really miss having a desk; having one has always made me feel more productive, cause lets be honest when I use my computer in bed i get little to no work done. I play the sims, watch videos on youtube and surf the net for things like 'scottish slang', no lie.

So we agreed that as long as I could find a way to get it to my place the desk was mine. And luckily I know a lot of people with cars and convincing them ( 'I'll buy you pizza) was easy. Cool Ass Dude dismantled the desk on Wednesday and McAbs (who he is pretty good friends with) brought it in his car today during the mandatory 8 o'clock store meeting we seem to have every year (it was BS, we all looked so rough the rest of the day). Of course when McAbs told me he had my new desk in his car to take back to my house I was a) excited ya'll and b) anxious.

McAbs, in my house, in my bedroom, near my personal items. Oh, hell no.

My relationship with McAbs has evolved into a decent friendship since Summer. He still has a girlfriend and I'm still not a scandalous whore so we remain friends, with the sexual tension of Mulder and Scully (Bones and Booth pre this season) looming overhead, who joke around, flirt and bicker. No one seems to get why we get along. Kat shakes her head at us two a lot, as if she is exasperated with the amount of back and forth banter we have. But generally I like McAbs. So he can be a totaly douche sometimes, so he talks about SEX a lot but...we get along, and we have each others back and he buys me lunch sometimes. It's fun having him around. I treat him like my platonic work boyfriend who I can come to when customers and driving me crazy and I just need someone to talk to.

But this is not to say that being platonic friends with him is easy. Because it isn't all the time. There are some days when the boundaries seem to blur and we have to pull away to remember that he has a girlfriend and I am not a boyfriend stealer. We have never (ever) gone beyond hugging and an occasional kiss on the check but even that seems wrong and we both regret it afterwards.

So when he said that he would drive me home after the two hour meeting to drop the desk off, I sort of freaked internally. My room is my sanctuary. It is my solace away from the world, I rarely invite people over because I feel like my space my divine space that cannot be corrupted by another person (outside of family; including the people i live with, they are simply amazing). And inviting McAbs into my space, seemed almost too personal. Having him close to my bed, and my books, and my dumb writings seemed...invasive. Because He is so masculine and often brutish and crude and I imagine things crumbling around him if he were to enter my room (wow this all sounds very sexual, i apologize).

But I really wanted that damn desk. Cool Ass Dude sent me a picture when he first mentioned he wanted to give it away, and I already picked out a spot in my room to place it. And McAbs schedule rarely coincides with mine, so I wasn't sure he would be able to bring it any other day. I was actually shocked when he said he'd brought it all because he made such a stink about the desk possibly messing up his car. So with a willing McAbs available to do all the grunt work, I put my fears aside and said 'yeah, sure we'll totally bring it to my house". With a few rules:

Because my landlady and daughter and older son (who doesn't live here) usually have Saturday breakfast together, McAbs would have to bring the desk upstairs and then, using my exact words, 'get the fuck out my house'. My landlady is sorta religious and her daughter is only ten, so i didn't want to give them the impression that I was bringing a boy over to do....adult things. And McAbs was cool with this, cause he was being lazy and didn't want to put the desk together anyway.

When we get to my house we've already established a game plan. I'll grab the detached desk legs and he'll grab the desk top and back. We'll make our way, quickly, upstairs as to avoid weirdness and then he'll 'drop that shit and go". Right.

Of course the moment we open the door those plans are all but shot to hell. Nicole, landladys 10 year old daughter, hearing my voice from inside the foyer is waiting at the door with the cats, our new puppy, and a shocked expression on her face at the sight of me....with a boy. I introduce McAbs to a now smiling Nicole (who is giving me the 'who is this' face) and am a little shocked by how comfortable, sweet and charming he is to her. The dog, who is now loose, runs into the foyer to smell McAbs who is struggling to hold up the desk but manages to pet the dog until he runs back to Nicole.

Nicole is talking to McAbs a mile a minute, introducing the dog, and herself again, and giving me a 'seriously who is this' face. But he remains, very friendly, and approachable and I am taken aback by this side of McAbs. After a few more exchanges between Nicole, I begin to make my way upstairs, once I realize our plan is getting all screwy, but McAbs does not follow. He is still in the foyer, nodding at something Nicole is saying and nudging the dog with his shoes (which the dog loves)

Me: "Hey why aren't you following"
McAbs: You haven't asked me in yet?
Me: [longest. pause. ever] When did you become a vampire.
McAbs: Who do you think I am, walking into a house without being asked. I need your permission first. I can't come in without your permission.

I am a little stunned by this. This is a dude who has openly talked to me about everything under the sun. This is a guy who I often have to say 'I think that's enough information'. This is a dude who expresses little to no interest in boundaries. And yet, there he was in my foyer, unflinching, unmoving, until I invited him in. I couldn't believe it, so much that, I walked back down the stair and gave him a 'are you kidding look' but he wasn't, and the desk was visibly heavy and he wouldn't budge. not until i permitted him.

Me [heart. slowing. beating]: Fine. You have my permission.

And it was like the veil that was preventing him from entering had been lifted and he crossed the doorway into my house, taking care to wipe his feet.

Oh. My. Word. I think I literally may have, briefly, falling stupidly in love with his comment. Who, asks permission to enter someones house. And yeah, he may have just done so because Nicole was there and he didn't want to barge in, but it was terribly sweet. Terribly.

When I was in therapy, I describe anxiety as a house. A big beautiful house that, of course, I didn't allow any visitors inside. It was a guarded, fenced off, escape for me that fed into my own fears about myself and my placement in the world. And while I feel less anxious and depressed than I did in college, those aspects of my being will never go away. I remember telling my therapist that only few people were allowed into the house of anxiety, that I rarely invited visitors in. And it had/has much to do with a fear that they would trample on all the delicate possessions that I stored within the walls.

So when McAbs asked for my permission to enter my safe, guarded, house (without any previous knowledge of my anxiety)....my escape from the world...it was like a promise that he would leave it just as he entered it. That he'd just stay for as long as I allowed and then go when it was time.

And he did exactly that. We brought the desk pieces to my door, where he laid them gently in front of my locked door and then asked if there was anything else I needed him to do. Of course, I said no, (nicole was still waiting on the stairs, peeking up at us two) and I walked him to his car, after he said goodbye to everyone (including the damn dog).

And I know, I know, I know that it's wrong to think of McAbs this way...but goddamn he was such a sweet, sweet boy today. And I felt so safe having him in my house, with my things, that he tenderly made sure not to destroy.

I'm such a sucker for dumb, nice things, boys do for me. And despite what anyone says about the nature of our relationship, and how odd the two of us are together, I can't help but respect that he respect my personal space. That literally, he took the time to explore swiftly yet delicately my guarded surroundings only after being permitted to do so.

Private Icon:

Kat and I are obsessed with this magazine called Nylon. It's sort of a fashion, music, design/art nylon heavy on crazy layouts and all things interesting and independent.

I am not a fan of woman magazines. From Cosmo to InStyle, Vogue to Lucky the articles in women magazine cannot compete with some of the gems I have read in say, GQ and details. While men magazines (that do not fall into the skin category) are filled with not only well dressed men but articles about pop culture and current events that i want to read over and over again. I mean how many 'how to please your man' articles can you read in Cosmo before you realize that they are recycling the same articles every few months.

I picked up Nylon, unfortunately located near Seventeen magazine, because they were doing a Horror issue (scream 4 had just come up and they were featuring the new cast) and ever since then I have eagerly awaited my new issue every month.

Nylon does this interesting piece called Private Icon, which features characters from books, TV and/ or movies/movies whose style has influenced or could influenced the fashionata in all of us. And they haven't gone the cliche route. They profiled Judy Funnie from Doug, Lux Lisbon from the Virgin Suicides and recently Winona Ryder from Heathers, Beetlejuice and Reality Bites. Using clothes that defined their characters, cosmetic accessories or other key items there character would most likely wear in the 'real world' the layout has come to be my favorite piece from Nylon.

Recently after coming across their Private Icon page featuring Charlize Theron from Cider House Rules, Kat and I thought it'd be fun to do make our own layouts...based on our own individual style. Immediately I jumped at the mini art project. I've been slacking the creativity these last few weeks despite 'James Franco' and I's countless conversations about art and inspiration (why can't he be 25) and this served as a quick creative thing i could do to remind myself that I am...well creative.And this project was simple enough. I didn't need much outside of my personal items and a camera to take the pic. And while my simple attempt looks nothing like the professionalism of the Nylon spread I am quite smitten with the results. It's me in a nutshell. Nerdy and Sweet.

Lately I've been enjoying my New York life more than usual. I continue to feel overwhelmed and stressed about things but my friends are making everything more bearable and I am convinced that the life I want here can exist. I recently found out that a boy i had a crush on in college (i think I referred to him as Music guy) is living in Brooklyn, dating boys (not all that shocking to be honest) and attendingNYU. NYU people!!! And instead of being jealous and all 'wtf" I couldn't help but realize I too can have the experience and success here if I just put myself out there a little more.

I'm going to have to sit down soon and compile a list, draft a layout perhaps for my future plans. I have put the job search on hold until after the holidays because I'd really like to go home for Thanksgiving and couldn't imagine starting a new job right before then. But this means that I have at least two weeks to come up with a game plan to shake things up a bit in my life. I feel like I can do this.

And and in totally unrelated news, I'm finally getting a damn desk in my room. After mulling over the idea of having any more furniture in my room, John (cool ass dude from work) said he had a small computer desk he was getting rid of this week and I could have it if I wanted (for free!). After discussing how and when we would get it to my house, because we both don't have cars, I was pleasantly surprised by the number of people who offered their car services as long as a) pizza was provided and b) I promised no scratches would be made to their shit cars.

Hooray for new furniture!

A Brief Interlude.

Even with this extra hour, there clearly are not enough hours in the day for me to get anything done.

Unfortunately the snow did little in the 'pick me up department' to well, lift me spirits. While I spent the better part of the snowstorm under the covers with my remote controller near by (a perfect day in my book), I am still lethargic and dragging by these days.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I am depressed. Emotionally drained, yes. Mentally spent, probably. Tired, overworked, and a little stressed and ready for a small break from it all, definitely.

The last few weeks have been so weird. I feel completely run downed and a little outside of myself. Suddenly things that had little concrete interest to me; relationships with boys, money (and how I can make more of it), building solid friendships with people and a desire to wear dresses and nail polish, are pushing their way to the forefront of my mind. And I am completely ambivalent about all of this.

I love the word ambivalence, because up until I saw Girl Interrupted I'd misused the word to describe my nonchalance about things. But Ambivalence, as Susanna Kaysen doctor points out, is about conflict, opposing feelings towards something or one, some event or situation. And I must say I am feeling a lot of ambivalence lately about everything.

While I am madly, deeply attracted to 'James Franco' it is sometimes hard talking to him because at 20, he has not yet been jaded by experience. He has several tattoos; one on his arm, one near his heart, an idea to get one on his side about optimism and living life to the fullest. Which I totally get and appreciate. But there is something about being 20 that makes you feel like you conquer the world. Hell at 20, even with all the anxiety and depression, I was convinced that I too would one day take the world by storm.

But our age gap is making me realize a lot more about myself than I would like to admit. Of course, like 'James Franco" I still maintain that I will conquer the world with my sheer awesomeness, i'm a little more practical about how I want to go about doing this. I realize now at 25 that I have to work to be the person I want to be. And that even applies to creating my own version of happiness. And who knew that my wants and aspirations would look so different from what I want now. And I am sort of conflicted about it all. Like how do I handle all these new things that I suddenly want as a person in her mid 20's.

I no longer want to do some of the things I thought I wanted at 20. I am not so much looking to run away from my problems. Hell, I still want to move to England. I still want to travel and write extensively, but I know now that that takes a lot more than looking through travel books and mentally booking tickets at night. I know that everything, is more of an orchestrated ordeal rather than a 'spantaneous happenstance'.

Moreso, I crave stability on a both an internal and external level now that I actually enjoy planning things about with concrete goals. I want to be comfortable in my own skin along with being able to support myself as a something 20. And that includes having a stable, non retail related job. That includes figuring out what I want to do with myself and who I want to be. And sure I don't have it all figured out, but everyday I am learning what I like and what I don't like in order to concentrate my energy.

And oh, and I'd also like to date and have a boy that is mine and mine alone. I'd like to create and write things I am proud of, I'd like weekends off to shop for groceries and check out library books. I'd like to have friends and not worry so much about getting to close.

And more and more these wants are reminders of where my life is going and what I am, in a way, leaving behind to make room for all the new things. And I am not sure if I am completely okay with this. I am fearful and worried and wanting to fall back on the my damaged safety net in order to escape having to deal with my opposing feelings about where I came from (shy, introverted, anxious gal) to where I want to be (introspective, confidant, funny gal).

Case in point: Relationships. All of a sudden, i am all 'I'd really like a boyfriend', 'I'd really like someone to have around'. And unlike college, where no boys, ever showed an interest in me ever, I am suddenly surrounded by single guys, some of whom I wouldn't actually mind dating. And I have no idea how to go about doing this.

"James Franco" aside, because he is truly truly to young and literally said "I'd like to hang out with John (a cool ass employee) but I'd don't think he'd take kindly to my self-indulgence and all about me conversation', there are some actual contenders in the boy department. Some interesting, silly and dumb, dateable guys who'd I'd like to hang out with and get to know. And it is weird suddenly wanting this form of intimacy ( a closeness with someone on an emotional level ) that use to scare the crap out of me. That use to cause me to freak the hell out.

In fact, everything current life change feels strange and new to me. Like who the hell is this girl with my face and voice and plaid t-shirt, wanting everything I use to want (to travel, to write, to be understood) suddenly also wanting a place of her own (while I love, love, love my current living situation, I know in a year or two I would like to be able to afford my own studio apartment), a boy to cuddle with and friends to hang out with on the weekends. Who is this girl, who bears my resemblance yet whose desires are strange and new.

And the answer is it's me of course. It's always been me but like an awakening the image that I have for my life is just coming into view and I'd like it to to be a tangible thing to have, if I can just push past the fear and trepidation of really, deep down inside, of wanting to belong to something finally. Of wanting to have a life for myself that is completely, independently my own.