Letters from the Midwest

Lets start from the end. On Sunday Sean called from boot camp and I missed his call because i was at work.

Cue the crying and anxiety attack.

My weekend was not as eventful as planned. Kathleen was not feeling well on Wednesday and by Friday night she called and said she probably wouldn't feel up to hanging out on Saturday which was sort of okay with me because I wanted to spend the morning in bed anyway. I still had tentative plans with my new friend at work and then I had to help my aunt pack because she is moving...once again. 

I spent much of Saturday morning watching Orphan Black and working out via my dance games on the Xbox. By four i hadn't heard anything from New Friend so i figured those plans were shelved and continued lounging in my room. Then it started snowing outside, out of the blue, and my aunt rescheduled the whole packing thing because she didn't want me to travel in the weather. 

Other people would be disappointed by three cancelled plans in one day but I was the happiest girl alive. I didn't get out of my pajama's once. I kicked ass on my dancing game and am displaying some dangerously good moves and becoming fit in the process. I don't think I've been this in shape...since ever. Getting older is awesome in that regard. There is something incredible happening to my body. I am lean and toned and things are 'falling' into place in a magical way. I love. Plus, while i understand needing to get out there and hang with my friends on my first day off in a long while, i kind of wanted to be myself.

Plans for Sunday however were still a a go. I requested to work at morning shift at  Le Sad store so i could head over to Michelle's house for the Sherlock Holmes viewing party afterwards. As the day went on though i was growing a little anxious. Ever since Sean left for boot camp i carry my phone with me all the time. Though a part of me is not expecting him to contact me at all while he is away there is another part of me that hopes that he will. And because i am not sure when or if the call will come i have my phone on me like an expectant father days close to the birth of his first child.

Of course i haven't heard anything from the boy since he left. And while i was hoping he'd reach out to me the last two weeks carrying my phone with me during work has been more of a pain than a necessity. But nevertheless it is always on me.

I had a small break around 3:30 and went to talk to my manager about changing my schedule at work. When i'm down with both i look down at my phone and there is a fucking missed call from the midwest, where the boy is training! I am hysterical when i see the missed call. Hysterical. I didn't feel my phone vibrate, i didn't hear it ring...nothing. And the one day i decided to not check my phone every 15 minutes for his call...it's Sean. It's the boy. He called me from bootcamp.

Luckily he left a voicemail but for some reason i am unable to listen to it. My phone decides to be a dick and won't let me access the voicemail at all. I call my mom and tell her how upset i am about the whole thing because i may not be able to talk to him again and i fucking missed the most important call. She tries to calm me down but i am already too far gone. I end up going to my friend at work, the very very platonic one, and tell him that i am crushed that i missed his phone call and anxious that this was my first and last chance at speaking with him. Platonic friends sees how upset i am and calmly tells me that when it comes to Sean he'll find a way to contact me. The boy is resilient and doesn't give up so if he reached out once he'll reach out again.

And for some reason these words are very comforting and i try not to let the missed call ruin my night. When i get to Michelle's house i'm a better spirits but still a little bummed. I attempt to listen to the voicemail again and suddenly it works! He leaves me a lengthy voicemail. He tells me that he is doing okay and that he misses me and that he hopes that i will write him beautiful things like i did in the journal i gave him for christmas. He says he thinks of me and that i am a constant good in his life and he thinks i'm amazing. He said all of this! I almost cry in front of Michelle and everyone else as i am listening to the voicemail ( i had on my headphones so i was the only one who could hear what he said) and i replayed it one more time just to make sure i hadn't imagined it.

He ends the voicemail by telling me his graduation is on my birthday and that i should expect a letter in the mail. Ya'll i'm so happy. I don't know why. This boy is a piece of 85% of the time and yet i hear his stupid dumb voice say my name and i'm back to feeling the way i feel about him. Though i have yet to receive his letter from the Navy i've already penned him a 9 page one in response. And i may have offered to attend his graduation in March, if he doesn't have anyone who can attend.

I know i am setting myself up for heartbreak. I know. But there is a part of my personality that is reckless. And i'd rather fall to pieces and pick myself up than not know what it feels like to be in like with someone so much everything hurts. So yea, there will be tears and disappointment. But it's a burden i am willing to take.

He said i was amazing. That i was good. He said my words were beautiful and that he wants more of them. And i don't know, but i want to take my chances with this fucked up boy, just for a little while.

The Girl Who Waited

This weekend calls for me to be social butterfly and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. At all.

Lately, the only place I enjoy being at is my house. in bed. with my finicky cat and dancing games. When I'm not at home under the covers trying to rid my thoughts of the boy, I am struggling to connect to my friends.

I am struggling.

It's weird and slightly pathetic that I placed so much of my own happiness in one person but I did. Especially someone who turned out not to be right for me in any sense. But he has crawled into my skin and I can't go a day without him being a part of my thoughts. I want plans, I want to be happy, I want to  go out with my friends and laugh but I also want him to be a part of those things.

Which even writing that seems stupid and crazy because when he was here he drove me nuts. He wasn't my guy. But when he was around I at least had a grasp on him. I always had my fingertip on the edge of him. And now he feels out of reach because he is physically, emotionally and mentally.

I feel like I have lost him. I have lost the possibility of us. I have lost a tomorrow. Cause relationships, why we keep them why we struggle to have them, are about the future. They are about plans, they are about happenings, they are about the little glimpses of a life you can see having with someone. And when you stop imaging that with a person things tend to fall a part. Cause what's the use of hanging on to something that isn't ever going where you want it to go.

Before he left it's all I kept telling him. That this life he has chosen for himself doesn't include me. I'd like to the girl who waits for him while he is sailing across the world. I'd like to be the person he comes home too. I'd like to be his reason for being safe. I'd like to be a face he falls asleep too. But I'm not. I never was.


At least while he was here, however faulty and fucked up our situation was, I saw a short future with him. I blindly thought I could show him how much I cared about him and he would come to his senses. I thought that he'd go away to boot camp and come back ready to pursue something with the me, the girl he waited. But lately, these are not the thoughts I am having. This is not a future I want to place everything on because the reality is it could not happen.

He will go through boot camp without ever contacting me. I won't get letters from him or the short phone calls telling me about his day. I wont get the invitation to graduation or the honor of standing next to my dumb sailor with a proud yet anxious smile on my face. I wont' get any of those things. I wont ever get to be a part of his now or then. And for the last 11 days these thoughts are what I've been hanging on to and mourning and missing the most about him.

It's the realization that our story does not end with me being the girl who waited and  got what she wanted. Instead it is the story of the girl who never was.

I  haven't been able to talk to anyone about Sean or our relationship or why I am so fucking miserable because a part of me doesn't want to and a part of me doesn't know how to. But lately I've been very despondent and just not myself and people are starting to notice. The other night my friend Justin, said I look sad all the time. That for the last month or so I look out of place and lonely. And I don't have a proper response to this because it's true. I am sad. All the time. And I don't know how to un-sad myself.

Luckily, my friends have been very patient with me even though I have been resisting any and all social activities lately. They know I need time but that I also need plans to pull me out of this lull. Kathleen wants us to take up archery and pole dancing next week(the latter is a long story...but it's a thing I have been interested in for a long time). I've made a new friend at work who wants to grab drinks and food this weekend. And Michelle is throwing a Sherlock Holmes party because season 3 is premiering Sunday and she is pretty obsessed with Benedict Cumberbatch.

 I am a little overwhelmed by the level of togetherness that will occur this weekend but I can't pause and be sad forever. Right? I can't. And I worry that the longer I stay in this lull the less patient people will be with me. I can't risk losing the people who care about me in favor of a boy who doesn't know how.

Le sigh. Wish me luck.

Sullen Girl

It's been one whole week since Sean left for Boot camp. A whole week since he boarded a plane to the Midwest for nine weeks of Naval Training. A whole week since I tearfully said goodbye to him both in person and on the phone. And in that week I have been moping around like a person in mourning. Outside of wearing black, i am experiencing what feels like a form of grief. Everyone keeps telling me I look sad and sullen and despite my attempts at putting on a brave face, I must admit sad is the only one I've been able to wear well.

Last Wednesday at work Preacher Guy, the married manager Kathleen had an affair with, asked me if I missed Sean. The way he said it though was so fucking annoying "so do you miss your little friend..tee,hee...I bet  you miss him" that  I wanted to gauge his eyes out. It was especially annoying because he knew Sean and I were close. To what extent? no. But he knew we wanted to move in together. He knew that we were closer than work friends. He also gave Sean and I disciplinary write up this summer because our relationship was preventing us from doing our work.

So I was little more than annoyed when he asked me a question he knew the answer too. Instead, I tell him that I just talked to Sean the night before and that missing him hadn't sunk in yet. This must have unnerved Preacher Guy because this motherfucker clears his throat makes a face and says "you never told me Sean had a girlfriend, I wonder if she misses him too" followed by a dumb accusatory grin.

I wanted to cut his fucking face.

 I wanted to walk up to him and whisper that I know he , a married Preacher and manager, hooked up with my best friend because according to him "you only live once". I wanted to punch him in his fucking gut because he of all people doesn't have a right to question my relationship with Sean. I wanted to grab him by the face and tell him if he ever mentions Sean's name again I will destroy him. I will tip the scale of his well manicured life and I will take everything away from him. I will do so with my words. I will destroy him and I will not blink once when the carnage hits the walls. I will spoon feed it to him.

But I don't say or do this.

Instead, I am so caught off by what he said I stammer for words. I say 'sure' Sean has a girlfriend but it's not my place to talk about their relationship now that he isn't here. And then I spend the rest of the night fuming.

My relationship with Sean was very complicated. And luckily I don't have to explain that to anyone except myself. Outside of this blog and the friends I've made here, I don't feel the need to talk about the boy to the people I see on a daily basis. I want him and what I had with him all to myself, mainly because it's hard to describe to other people. It's hard to describe for myself.

December was one of the best and worst times for the boy and I. In November I went home for Thanksgiving and asked the boy if he could drive me to the airport. He agreed but accused me of nagging him about it when I kept reminding him that I had to be there super early so I wouldn't miss my plane. After one such argument I told him I would let him take the reigns on getting me to the airport. I would stop nagging him. He spent that night at my house, we got little to no sleep cause I was angry at him about using my phone to call his gf and in the morning he refused to leave until he got breakfast.

When we get to the airport Sean drops me off and says he has to run because his gf said he could come over to her house on a Monday of all days. I'm not even on the curb before he speeds off before she changes her mind. When I go to claim my ticket I'm informed that my plane has already boarded and will be leaving without me. I start crying and I call Sean cause I don't know what to do. He says he can't do anything for me and that he dropped me off like he said he would but that it's not his fault I missed the plane.

What the fuck.

I only had a few moments of pure panic before my fight or flight response kicked in. I hang up on Sean immediately. Went back to ticket claims, got re-routed to another plan to South Carolina and made it home eventually. When I get home my mom is pissed at Sean. My brother is pissed at Sean. Everyone at work who sent me 'are you okay, we heard what happened texts' is pissed at Sean (Because he should have never left the airport in the first place. He should have made sure I was all set to go before he sprinted. I would have missed the plane either way but I would have had support while I waited 5 hours).

 Sean called a million times while I was home but I avoided his calls and put this in the 'this boy is really a piss of shit' pile. When I arrived back in New York he was super apologetic but in the back of my mind I kept thinking 'if I had been anyone else' that boy would have got me there on time.

For the bulk of December our bad days revolved around the Thanksgiving shenanigans and other Sean is a douche behavior.  He'd do or say something idiotic that would cause me to feel replaceable or small or insignificant and I'd blow up at him because in his last month before he joined the Navy I wanted all of him and he was still only willing to give me so little.

And I'm not going to lie, I was a pain in the ass some of the days. My jealousy and envy were on an all time high. I felt like I was competing with a million and one people (mainly his gf) for his attention and care. And even when he gave it to me it didn't feel like that was enough because he'd act like our relationship was normal. But it wasn't. It was a little sexual but definitely emotional and Sean seemed to diminish the validity of how intimate being emotionally attached to someone is because I don't think he's every been emotional vulnerable before.

And even now I feel crazy because it felt like we were dating even though we weren't. We hung every day, he called every night before I went to bed to make sure I didn't have bad dreams. He spent nights at my house watching movies and internet porn. There was touching and innuendo's. There was crying and honest talk. There were missed opportunities and talks of the future. We went out with friends together, he'd pick me up at my house so we could then meet with everyone else. I hung out with his parents. We planned on spending Christmas together.

But there was also weekly screaming matches and name calling. There was the night I ran from his car and he looked all over town for me and when he found me he cursed me out in the middle of the street and drove me home. There were constant reminders, from him, that he still was with his girlfriend. His last night at work we got into the biggest fight ever, he said I was the most annoying person he'd ever met and I said 'annoying because I want you to treat me like a person".  When things were bad they were bad and when things were good they were great but there was no in-between because we weren't dating.

Before he left last Tuesday for the Navy we hung out at my place and exchanged late Christmas presents. He bought me the box set of a show we watched at his house this summer and I gave him a leather wallet with his favorite quote and a journal of my thoughts. It was a journal of everything. I told him that I loved him. I asked him to stay. I said goodbye and then he took off this necklace he was wearing and gave it to me because it's his favorite thing and he wanted me to have it. He called the next night to talk and then the day he left for Illinois he called me from the hotel to say goodbye again.

The last two weeks he was home I was in constant contact with him. And now he is gone. And it feels weird. I feel alone. I miss him a lot and no one around me is able to make whatever I feel go away. There is a part of me that wonders how he is handling basic training. I wonder if he is sleeping well, because he doesn't. I wonder if his back is okay, because It hasn't been. I wonder if how he is handling the homesickness, because he's never been away from home before. Before he left I told i worried about this most of all because he'd never been alone before and as someone who has it something to adjust to.

I keep having dumb dreams regarding the distance. I miss the sound of his voice before he wished me goodnight. I miss seeing him at work. I hate not having plans. I don't miss the feeling of being alone. Not one bit but I've withdrawn a little from anyone who has offered company. Instead i've been spending a lot of time sleeping and playing Just Dance 4. I keep looking at my phone hoping it'll ring so i'll hear his stupid dumb voice. But I know that won't happen not for a while or maybe not at all.

 Mainly I've been in turmoil because this could be it for me and the boy. However fucked up our relationship was it was...something. It felt like something and now he's going to be away for 2 months. He is going to be a sailor for the United States Navy. When he was here I barely had a grasp on him and all I can think is that when he gets out, before being deployed wherever, he won't be coming home to me. And there is a part of me wanted more than anything for me to be the person he was returning home to.

There is also a part of me that hopes while Sean is in basic training he'll come to his senses and realize that I was something good in his life. That he loves me and wants to be with my fully. Buuuuut, the realistic part of me knows he has had every opportunity to realize this before he left. I feel awful and anxious pining for a boy that won't choose me when he returns. The more probable outcome is that he will graduate from basic training, return to his fucked up flakey relationship where not much is required from him and I will be without him. And this is why I am sullen and sad. Because the longer he is gone the dimmer the possibility of me and him becomes. It feels like whatever life I envisioned for us left with him and I feel stupid that I gave him everything. I gave him all of me and it feels like I have nothing left.

I know this feeling wont last for long. But for now it's a dull ache I can't shake.

The Last of Us.

The boy is gone. Tonight was our last goodbye before he heads off to the Navy Tuesday.

I don't know how i feel right now.

Relieved. Sad. Disappointed. Happy.

I gave him a journal tonight of my thoughts about everything....everything. it was my last Christmas gift to him because there has been so many things I've wanted to say and couldn't.

It's personal and raw, unflinching and unforgiving but i wanted to give it to him so that i could be at peace with our relationship. So that if this is our last goodbye, he knows everything.

The boy is gone.

Gone.

And i'm not sure how to deal.