Happy Holidays

What a weird, awful, magical, frightening, loving, exciting, adventurous, nerve racking  and enlightening year this has been. 

Upward and onward from here friends. Upward and Onward.

P.S. Yes, Blue and I are progressing along nicely. Very nicely.  

26 + 6

Happy Birthday Amanda "Panda" Marie 

She's Gotta Have It

After six eventful days in South Carolina with my family, I am finally back in New York grinding away at my job, paying bills I didn't know I had and trying with all my might not to let the December Blues hit me hard. But like most impending Decembers, I am anxious and sad and stressed and sort of a Grinch lately.

While I was home the main discussion was Blue. My mom is elated that there is a potential boy in my life. I don't think I have ever seen her this happy and honestly I can understand why. My mother is terrified that my brother and i will end up alone. She has said this repeatedly not in an insulting way but filled more with fear..i think. She feels like she has raised us to be too independent, too strong-willed, too self-sufficient to the point that we do not know how to maintain relationships.

And if in some bizarre turn of events my mother ever ends up coming across this blog, I want her to know this is not true. I would never blame her for making me an independent, strong-willed and self sufficient human being. I am grateful for those attributes, I am thankful for her continued love and desire to help me grow as a person.

I only recognize now that maybe people have children because they want better for them. It is a chance to do "it" all over again but hopefully this time with better results. And while my mom has never asked when i was getting married or when I plan on having kids...I know this is something she wants for me. Along with being happy and healthy and strong she wants me to be loved and to give love. I think it is her biggest hope for me.

And so far in the daughter department, this is kind of the one thing I haven't gotten right.  I was a late bloomer and didn't start dating until after college. Unfortunately, Sean took up a significant part of my late 20's and during a time when I should have been meeting boys who were actually interested in me, I stayed with Sean and let him string me along this precarious and fucked up path. By the time it was all over and done with, I developed this very jaded view of men. Or rather, I promised myself I would never develop such intense feelings for someone unless there was a healthy reciprocal  response.

And since then there hasn't really been a healthy reciprocal guy i've been interested in. So I've done what I can to enhance other aspects of my life. Mainly getting my own place, buying a car, ending friendships, traveling and trying to be a fucking congruent girl once and for all. And honestly, in doing so I am happier; still anxious and moody and sullen, but happier.

But I'm 31 now. 31, so of course mother time is hinting that I should probably focus on settling down and partnering up. But it isn't as easy as just deciding you want to have a partner. I am not interested in meeting someone online, I am not interested in speed dating, I don't want to scroll through images of a people and hope that our likes match up I've never been interested in searching for something. If "it" doesn't happen organically than I am not really interested.

This doesn't mean I don't want a partner and I don't think about having a family. Because I think i'd be good at both. And in my darkest of desires I want both, I just wish there was more time to figure it all out, for patience and love and comfort. But it feels like my time is expiring on trying to figure it out. It feels like I am already suppose to know what I want, with who I want and make it happen now.

So in many ways this is why Blue seems like a blessing to my mom. Finally there is a nice boy who I am spending a lot of time with who makes me happy. But I don't know what Blue and I are doing. There has been no kissing, no touching or romantic development. We hang out regularly, text daily and seem to enjoy each others company. He has a way of talking roundabout, so I can't really get the sense of his attraction to me as a person or if he is just at that same point in life as well, where he has to start thinking about partnering up and I was an available girl.

Also, he broke up with his on again-off again gf a year ago, and there are still super friendly. I get the sense that he didn't want to end it but it ended anyway and that he still likes her. Or at least wants to be friends with her. I wonder if this is also why nothing has happened between us. I wonder if there is still a possibility between them and he is just occupying an liminal stage with me.  After Sean, I am anxious about being anyone's placeholder and this isn't to say I am Blue's but  I am still paranoid that I am just filling a space and it makes me insecure and nervous.

Having said that, I don't want this to underscore the last few weeks with Blue. He's smart and funny and sensitive. We have no problem talking for hours and enjoying each others company. He is attractive and serious and determined. And his eyes are just the most incredible shade of blue. I have to repeat this, they are just incredible. But the longer we just hang out, the less I feel like we are moving towards a romantic relationship. Because of our mutual hesitation to make a move, it feels like we are in the cycle of friendship. We'll talk about sex and love and desires for an hour and then instead of exploring it together, we part ways and make plans to see each other the following week.

He literally saw me the night before I flew home for thanksgiving. He showed up at my house after work (he works at a library) and we drank beers and watched movies. We relaxed on my futon and had our usual mix of intellectually stimulating and engaging conversation. We decided that we should see each other weekly, at my house, and watch movies and drink beer and eat food because he liked being at my house. We talked about men and women, and sex and love, and desire and intimacy and then it was 1am and he said he should probably head home and we hugged on the stairs. He was at my house for 6 hours and it ended with a hug.

Yesterday he came over for 7 hours! 7 whole hours and well, nothing happened as well. I hate Sundays. I spend most of Sunday cranky and angry about Monday so I usually spend the day sulking and watching Law & Order but he wanted to come over so I said sure but that he should expect sulking and Law & Order. We ended up watching a bunch of movies, writing some and talking. It was normal and nice and like every other hang out.  But like, is there supposed to be more. Is there supposed to be a moment where things just click on a non-friend level. Because right now, it is stock full of convenience and comfort but nothing else.

Of course I am getting a multitude of advice from friends and family. All very mixed and spastic. There are two competing ones at the moment. I should be the aggressive one, make a move, tell him how i feel (even though i am not sure how i feel) and be assertive! Then there is the  just let things happen naturally advice. Let him make the move, maybe he's shy and just isn't ready yet. I of course have opinions about both approaches and as I sit on another eve before hanging out with Blue, I have no clue which one to pursue. And i'm getting restless with the anticipation. Will the bubble burst or continue to float.

If I ever write a memoir, it will be called "I Have No Idea What the Fuck I'm Doing and Other Misadventures". The chapters will be filled with my slapstick attempts to manage day to day life stuff, along with a few anecdotes on how at 31 I still have no idea what i am fucking doing. At all.

So, last Friday Blue wanted to hang out at my house and despite the super short notice I was game to have him over because I am eagerly awaiting some serious form of necking to occur between us. Spoiler alert:it didn't. Though I am happy that the last few weeks with Blue has been exceptional and fun and super friendly, I have a tendency of wondering why all of this is happening in the first place.Why did he reach out to me of all people? Is he just interested in being just friends? Or more? Am I only interested in being friends?  Or more? I just don't know.

It's not that I am getting mixed signals from Blue, it's that I am getting no signals at all. There is neither hot-blooded advances or out-right "naw, fam we are just friend". There is instead this feeling that he is creating a list (as am I) of whether this is something worth pursing. If he wants to walk down this path that we can't decide later on to turn back from. A few weeks ago, he invited me to his place and I was all but convinced it was so he could make a move on me. Spoiler alert: he didn't.  And it wasn't like there were moments that could have lead to something more, because there were, but we both at the moment are kind of friend-zoning each other for reasons I am not quite sure of.

I like Blue a lot. We have so much in common and he's constantly texting and talking and seeing each other. A week has not gone by without seeing this boy...and yet, there is nothing...romantic unfolding. We talk and talk and talk which is fine but i can't imagine a 30 year old, attractive, friendly and single heterosexual guy just wants to re-kindle a bookstore friendship. And if he does...well, why me? To be fair, I was very receptive to his desire to get in touch again and am super excited that we've had a good time the last month but what's supposed to happen next? I keep thinking of what's next.

So when he texted me last Friday and asked to hang out again of course I was game. I got to leave work early that day so I ran back to my apartment, cleaned up and put on something more comfortable. I freshened the hell up, thinking this time the boy would make a move. That we could, if he is game, start this friends-with-benefits arrangement because we seem to talk about and around this subject a lot. But he did not. And of course, I did not. Instead we spent all night talking about sex and politics and sex and travels and then back to sex and then it was midnight so he went home. And I understand all the sex talk may have been his attempt to spell out his interests but there is nothing in his body language that tells me he wants to kiss or touch or do anything really.

He has told me in the past that he feels insecure around women. He has told me that he never knows what he is doing in the romance department. Unfortunately, I am in the same boat, paddling in the same direction and if one of us doesn't man up soon, I feel like we could be venturing into the dreaded zone of platonic admiration. We are seeing each other again on Saturday because I am heading home for Thanksgiving and he wants to see me before I go.  By god if nothings happen, i will have to risk it a bit and be the assertive one or accept this relationship as just a solid friendship. I must repeat, I am not looking for a romantic relationship. Don't get me wrong he is the ideal boyfriend material and I like the shit out of him. But I am not looking for anything serious or long-term. I'm kind of just looking for casual and fun and new, I just wish I knew how to go about achieving that with Blue.

Comedy of Erros

Last  week was a complete and utter dumpster fire and I must admit i am all sorts of exhausted and depleted and disheartened by life these days.

Work continues to kill my soul every single day and there appears to be no relief from this feeling of constant dread. I am having issues with my co-workers and supervisors which has culminated in tension and dare I say "rudeness" from managers. For the most part I like my job and I especially like my pay, but I have never worked in such an unprofessional setting before. Last week, I brought up a work related issue to my supervisor and he told me that things can't be fair for everyone in the office. This is what he said to me. This man has children and is my supervisor. 

In the friend department: my friend Heather is being unusually distant and weird. She only ever asks me to hang out when she needs to run errands which was fine before I had my car. But now, I don't need someone to drive me to the supermarket which is generally where we go. We've been friends since Kindergarten and we tend to go through months where our communication sucks but now that she is sort of my only friend, i feel her absence more.

In the life department: I have had really shitty and unexpected car problems and I had to spend nearly a thousand dollars over a two day period to get my brakes fixed. I also got pulled over for the first time which was frightening and resulted in my first ticket because of a broken headlight (which was later thrown out) . On top of that I'm losing health insurance this year because my current insurer is going out of business and Obamacare is being killed off and I can't afford any of the rising premiums as a result of this. So yea, I continue to be a causality of this administration. I guess Make America Great Again does not apply to this American.

Oh and I like two guys at the same time. I mean if it's possible?  Because I think I do and it feels irresponsible and stupid and immature. And yet on top of everything else that is a dumpster fire right now....i have feelings for two completely different guys. And I have no clue what to do. To be fair I am not sure the feelings from either are reciprocated but it still feels like I am straddling a line that is on fire.

Red (because of his ginger hair) sort of popped up out of nowhere. Everything about my attraction to him is wrong. He's a co-worker, he's a few years younger than me, he can be a little immature and he's the guy that told me that awful story about kicking some chick out of his bed and making her cry. I know...he's a catch. But for some odd reason despite our differences, we get along pretty well and I find myself wanting to be around him all the time.

He invited me to his Halloween party a few weeks ago and despite my concerns, I decided to go. Seeing him outside of work was such a weird experience. I am used to him being loud and super social and just this affable buffoon at work, that I was sort of baffled when I walked into his apartment to his small gathering of friends watching a movie and playing games. He gave me the grand tour of his apartment, which included his bedroom. There were books everywhere, in an organized chaos. Poetry books and Shakespeare and mythology and fairytales. He let me thumb through his collection as he went and grabbed his notebook full of poetry he's written. And for a while, as the party continued in the living room, we sat near each other as he read me his favorite sonnets. 

Since that night, there has been a weird chemistry between us. He is still loud and brash and makes me laugh from the pit of my stomach but then he'll say something tender and i'll think "fuck, I can't like you. I can't like you but i do..." Of course i am keeping any feelings at bay with Red because...well, there is Blue. Sweet Blue.

Blue and I have hung out a few times since our night in Queens. He is an intelligent, funny, sensitive and attentive boy.  His eyes are the color of water and he is always brimming with a thought about life and love. Last Friday I hung out at his apartment for 6 hours.  We ate dinner and vacillated between the living room and his room as we talked about philosophy and desire. It was the perfect evening, except that neither of us made a move. It felt like we were both talking about the big pink elephant in the room and instead of doing something, we did nothing.

I like Blue a lot. and the last month has been such a revelation in a lot of ways. He is an old friend who I only really saw as such when we worked together at the store. I mean don't get me wrong, I always thought he was an attractive guy (his eyes are amazing) but at the time he had a girlfriend (and I was into Sean) and I was mainly friends with him because he was best friends with damn near everyone else in the store. But now that i'm getting to know him outside of our time at the bookstore , and I am...smitten. I am flushed with this longing, i haven't felt in a really long time. I guess i'm just unsure of what he wants out of this or really what I want and I can't read him well.

When he asked to hang out Friday (at his apartment of all places) i was prepared for some advancement in the intimacy department. I am not a person who picks up on innuendos well. I am also not super aggressive when it comes to making the first move. And I know, I should be a little more assertive in the romance department but i can't. I'm still only partially comfortable in my skin and after the Sean fiasco, I am even more hesitant about getting close to a guy.

But I like Blue and for the most part I think he likes me. We text every day and grab dinner at least once a week. He is a gentle gentle boy, who likes when i ask him questions because he is full of answers. His brain is an encyclopedia of knowledge and there is something super attractive about it. I am also very attracted to him physically and mentally. But i honestly don't know what i'm looking for in men. Most of my friends are in relationships or have children. I am single, child-less woman with wavering ideas of my future. I constantly feel on the cusp of figuring out what I want, only to change my mind.

I have not actively sought out any relationships since Sean and honestly sex has never been this overruling factor for me (though i would really really like to have sex soon). But recently i've sort of conceded to the idea of single hood. Not as this permanent life choice but as a status. I am not constantly overwhelmed with the idea of dating and falling in love and having a partner. I am focused on being a congruent, successful, mentally and financially stable woman. Outside of whether I am with someone or not. Of course, I have my moments where I panic and wonder if I would be okay being single forever (the answer is no) but i'm not going to stop being who I am and exceeding in other areas of my life just because i'm not with someone. I just wont.

So with Blue, my first instinct isn't that I want him to be my boyfriend. Not because he isn't great but because i don't want to impose anything on him that could put me into this rose colored glasses sort of mode. My first instinct is that we are both single, both attracted to each other and both looking for something  super casual. Ideally, I would like to date Matt (as in, see him occasionally, hang out, grab dinner) have casual sex with him and take it day by day. I am not thinking long term. I'm thinking "here's a boy, that I already have a familiarity with, who I could maybe hook up with from time to time and idk, see movies every once in a while". And I think, Blue is on the same page. We just haven't really crossed that bridge yet and I am not sure how to do so.

We are hanging out this Friday before my friends wedding and I'm hoping to make some advancements with Blue, even if that means I have to be the assertive. But if i can be honest, with everything else in my life catching on fire, Blue (and maybe to a small extent Red) is a much needed and welcomed distraction from all the other shit.

Hmmmm

A few weeks ago a boy I used to work with at the bookstore reached out to me via Fb. It's going on 3 years since I left Le Sad Store. 3 whole years and I can't comprehend how much has changed in that time. There was a time where the bookstore and my friends there were my whole life. I had no money, I lived in a shitty room in someone's house, I was in the midst of grief and post college life was turning out to be a dud. The bookstore, despite the crappy pay and shitty hours, was my only real source of happiness. I worked with my friends, I worked with a boy I liked a lot, I felt like I belonged once and for all.

And then everyone went away. My friends got new jobs, the boy i liked turned out to be a boy i could live without and the allure of working at a bookstore had lost all of it's shine. The month before I quit Le Sad Store, I was the most miserable I have ever been. Nothing was working out  and it felt like i had overstayed my time at a place I called home.

Since leaving the bookstore, I have not remained in touch with many of those friends. Obviously Kat and Sean are no longer in my life, but there are other people, smaller characters so to speak who meant as much but didn't get as much time devoted to them in the course of journaling my life. There was a boy named Franco who I used to walk home with. We were both hopeless romantics and talked about wanting true love and companionship daily. There was Harold, the graphic artist who I felt such a connection to that was not sexual but spiritual. We understand each others temperament and had an appreciation for the conversation we had outside of work. I have attended both baby showers for his gorgeous sons and he is a constant source of support and kinship in my life. There was also Michelle,  my partner in crime when I secretly wanted to hang out with Sean but didn't want anyone to know we were doing so alone. So she would lie and say she went with us just encase anyone asked.

And then there was Blue, who acquired the nickname because his eyes are the most insane  hue of Blue. We have mutual friends and hung out occasionally because of his closeness to Kat. He only worked at the bookstore for about a year  and then got a temp job in another town so we rarely talked. We almost had a slight falling out b/c of a miscommunication. He was apologetic and then attempted (successfully) to make it up to me by exploring this reservoir  with me near my house. We collected rocks and talked about history and then drank mimosas at a bar nearby.

B/c of our mutual friends Blue and I have stayed in touch as much as two people can in the digital age. We have even bumped into each other at social outings with other friends and former co-workers. I can't say, even now, that Blue has ever been anything more than a really good friend. I mean he's super smart and well educated with a side of self deprecation Whenever we did get together to grab dinner or go to the movies, he was always cordial and funny to talk to. But he never really felt like my friend. He knew a lot of the people at the bookstore well before I worked there and he was also in college at the time, so his priorities to that store were not as strong as mine.

In the 3 years since leaving Le Sad Store, I have had very little contact with Blue. Kat hung out with him a few times and bemoaned that he was too boring and talked about history a lot. I would cringe and tell her I was glad he asked her to hang out instead of me. That I couldn't bear having to fill silence with him.

But then a month ago Blue sends me a FB message. He wanted to say hi and see how I was doing and maybe grab dinner. I was hesitant b/c I thought it was a set up (my paranoia is high)  and that he wanted to know why Kat and I were no longer friends. When I agreed to go to dinner with him, it was partly to explain myself if he came at me defensively. I was all ready for my speech. I practiced what I would say to him when the dreaded question came up. I was prepared.

But he didn't talk about her at all. He didn't talk about the bookstore. He literally wanted to catch up because "no one likes to interact in person and that's so strange". He got a new job, and a new car, he traveled to Iceland. He is a little lonely b.c it's hard to maintain friends in your 30's. Especially when everyone is settling down. And If i can be honest, I may have accepted the invitation because I am a little lonely as well. Since the falling out with Kat, I feel like the one in the friendship who has lost friends because they all belong to her. I am thankful for my good friend Chantal who I see every weekend but she is lonely as well. She recently had a kid and I think all of her friends abandoned her once the kid arrived. I love kids and I adore her, and I just assumed any hangouts in the future would heavily involve her son which does not bother me at all.

But outside of her my days are spent working at a job i don't like and going home. It is a solitary and often lonely existence and I may be in need of companionship.Whatever that means. I am worried about my alone-ness. I am worried I will get so used to the silence, I will shun the friendship of love from others. I think about the idea of a tribe all the time. And that everyone around me seems to be a part of a community while I continue trekking alone. But I think i want to belong, not necessarily to everyone or thing but I have this urge of belonging and being needed and wanted by some.

And perhaps Blue is doing the same thing or looking for the same thing. Perhaps that is why dinner has quickly turned into dinners and constant communication and dear I say....companionship. I had a completely shit filled Saturday and intended to spend the rest  of Sunday sulking because of car issues and health issues and general sickness. But Blue texted me just as I was about to curl into bed and sleep the boredom away. He wanted to know if I wanted to go to a Museum and walk around the city and idk "something adventurous" and instead of saying no I told him I was more than ready to go with him.

And the evening was pretty fucking magical and nice and there was a moment of what can only be described as contentment. We decided to sit on this yellow bench outside of a beer garden and he was open to questions i've been too embarrassed to ask my friends and family. He was attentive and empathetic and a little goofy. He draped his arm around my shoulder and we listen to the wind blow the leaves past our feet. I was sweaty, in this black sweater that I'd be napping in only hours before. The hair on his arms were matted by the humidity. We talked about art and politics and intimacy.  We talked about intimacy a lot. I felt flushed. We ended the night eating delicious goulash at the beer garden. The waiter put a candle on our table and I tried to memorize how the light hit his face. I told him it was the perfect day and he agreed.

Ya'll I am shook'th.  And i'm so fucking confused. And I don't know what anything means. Nothing happened after he drove me home. I said I had a good time and clumsily ran out of the car. I showered and ate cereal before bed and I struggled to go to sleep and when I could I dreamed of candle light and the color blue. The waking part of my night was spent thinking about his dumb face and the ease and comfort of the day and I felt foolish and dumb and anxious. I have little experience in the boy department. Sean set a bad precedent and I have no clue what to do with the opposite sex that is normal and healthy. I have no idea what to do with Blue.

To be fair there is no indication that Blue regards any of this as something more than casual hanging out. I know that I am a person easily swept up my by emotions and feelings. I have come to accept that I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I have come to accept that sometimes I see signs where there are none, I make connections where connections shouldn't be made. We were just two people enjoying each others company. He was polite and kind and dare I say eager for connection. But dammit all to hell, if I haven't gone and messed it all up with my stupid feelings and desires. I have no choice but to play it by ear. This could be nothing, absolutely nothing. I just am not sure if I want it to be nothing

The World's A Mess

And it's hard to write anything when it feels like the world is literally on fire. 

I'm sorry. 

So it Goes

Ugh, my crush (whom i'm supposed to go apple picking with in a few weeks) turns out to a total cad and now I am devastated and eating a box of cookies while CNN warns me of deadly storm in Texas. Boy is a graphic designer by day and a poet by heart. But today he  tells me an awful story of cad-like ways which include bedding a lot of women without a desire to commit. Excited that I dodged a bullet but crushed that for a brief moment there was a boy that had potential to be more.

Le sigh.

I have so many things I want to write and post and journal about.

There are so many new things I want and need to discuss. Work news and friend news and writing news and even some boy news.

And yet every time, I want to write about the happenings of my life I am paralyzed by the state of America.

I am paralyzed and ashamed and frightened and stunned into complete and utter shock and silence.

I am devastated by what happened in Virginia this weekend. I am devastated for the family of three people whose lives were lost. Especially Heather, who could have been me or any of my friends who continually speak out and show up against racism and sexism and goddamn Nazi's.

But more than anything, I am infuriated, nauseated and full of rage towards 45 who continues to show he is not morally, ethically or mentally fit to be the president of the united states.

I am a brown skinned, liberal, environmentally conscious, feminist woman who is against racism, sexism, homophobia, religious intolerance and any form of discrimination towards any group that praises exclusion and suppression.

I am also a young woman trying to be a financially stable and emotional equipped person full of love and compassion for all. I am a person trying to figure out my place in the world, so I can start reaping the benefits of a fulfilling life.

But that growth seems stunted as my country systematically reverts to a time full of such hatred and uncertainty.

My name is Beckett Amelia Hughes. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend and a human fucking being whose never been more afraid in my young life that the country I know and love is slowly leaning toward indecency.

Part Deux

San Francisco

So California is sort of paradise. Absolutely, paradise. 

Vacation on My Mind

Two weeks from today, I will be in San Francisco. Holy Shit. 

Difficult Women

Last night I had a dream I was drowning. Or rather, I had a dream someone was trying to drown me.

I've been watching a lot of shows and reading a lot of books about "difficult" women. It seems fitting with everything going on in the world that I turn to complex and honest representation of women in the arts for comfort and perhaps hope. If you haven't seen the Handmaid's tale, you should. If you haven't read Shrill by Lindy West, you need to. Even Big Little Lies was an extraordinary series about womanhood, despite how much I hated the book.

In 2017, being a women is still incredibly hard and for the first time in my lifetime I see myself and identify myself as a women and not just a girl anymore. This is a very hard admission; one that actually occurred after reading one of those age related list (things to do before you are 30) on Buzzfeed that suddenly I was excluded from. By a whole damn year of all things. I have some how surpassed that "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" phase and am aware that despite the fact that yes, I ate waffles for dinner last night wearing a buffy t-shirt while watching a marathon of Top Chef on Hulu...I am not really a girl anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I have more girlish moments than womanly ones but as I watch the world unfold around me, as I try to circumvent my life and figure out my wants, I recognize that my anxieties and fears and apprehensions and even dread have much to do with the fact that I am a woman all of a sudden. I have this newly acquired agency, one of those being my womanhood, in a world which constantly tells me I am less than. And this is terrifying.

So it's no wonder that I had a dream last night about drowning. I was on vacation with my dream husband and dream best friend. We had a house on the lake with a small boat port overlooking the water. My dream husband starts walking down the port towards the boat and that's when my dream best friend tells me she has been sleeping with my husband. I am of course filled with rage and anger and even a little bit of jealousy. She saunters after him and it is at this moment that I yell that i have been sleeping with her husband (his best friend) because I am full of spite and fury. She charges at me and I fall into the water. There is a moment where I am sinking, sinking, sinking towards what can only be the abyss and then suddenly I am gasping for air and swimming towards the shore.

My husband(now also in the water) is shouting at me. He is wearing a red shirt, so I almost mistake him for a life vest, I think he is there to save me despite both of our betrayals . But instead of rescuing me, he grabs at my legs and starts to drag me back under water where I can't breathe. There is a struggle and flailing limbs. There is so much water, I am blinded by it until there is nothing but the sea. And then I wake up because where else was my crazy drowning dream supposed to go. I was drowning.

I wonder if the dream has anything to do with my own feelings of being a "difficult' woman. Of my sudden feeling of submergence. Because in my transition from difficult girl, to difficult teen to difficult young adult, I know that I was born to be a difficult woman. I was born to want things that I shouldn't want and to say things i shouldn't say and act in ways that are counter productive to what is expected of my "gender" And for most of my life I have been proud of this title, even when i didn't know it applied to me, because there hasn't been any direct consequence.

But now, I feel on borrowed time. Now I feel as if I am supposed to all of a sudden know exactly what I want in life so I can set the course of my future. But i honestly don't know what I want. I never have. It's a part of what has and will always make me difficult. But when I was a  teenager that's to be expected, when I was in college this directionless, without a clue way of life was okay, in my 20's it's pretty much what was to be expected. But now i'm in my 30's it feels a little irresponsible and scary because I am still this difficult person who is now struggling to stay afloat. I often feel like I am flailing in turbulent waters, and no matter which way I turn, I am no closer to the shore.

Maybe I should stop overthinking it all.  Maybe I should look at all the small achievements I have thus far accomplished. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

California

When I first moved to New York, I befriended this awesome chick named Angie who seemed to be going through the same "what the fuck am I doing with my life" post college crisis as I was. Everyone seems to forget the financial crisis of 2008, except a) people who lost a shit ton of money and b) graduates who couldn't find a job right out of college. I knew nothing about finance or politics or the real world 9 years ago, I still don't, but i do remember graduating college, moving to New York and struggling to find a real job. This struggle l lasted 6 1/2 years.

Luckily I was the only one suffering. The only job that would hire me was the bookstore and  I was pretty disappointed but glad to be surrounded by other disillusioned people. Post grad life was supposed to be a breeze. I was going to land my dream job in publishing and move to the city and date a cute boy from Scotland (my dreams always include a cute boy from Scotland). I was supposed to be living the life. Instead, my first job was as a bookseller making minimum wage. I lived in a closet sized room at my aunts house (before she kicked me out) AND I missed home. I missed it a lot.

Things only  started to perk up a little when I met Angie. She was a few years older than me and began working at the bookstore after getting laid off from her "real world job". She was this boisterous, loud, funny, awkward, flirtatious, brilliant girl from the Midwest who I immediately got along with. She was my first real friend in New York and for a few solid months we hung out almost everyday. She lived right down the street from my aunts house, so before going home, I'd stop by her apartment so we could drink alcohol and discuss feminism, politics, books, men and pop culture.

I was only ever used to having Amanda  as my friend, I was almost grateful when Angie came around.  I didn't think I was capable of making friends because my anxiety was still very crippling at that time. And all of a sudden here was this girl who was nothing like me who wanted to be my friend. We ate dinner together and spent days off in the city shopping for books and laughing. Sometimes she would even call me in the middle of the night to ask if i wanted to go driving with her. She was a night owl, so we'd take to the back-roads at midnight and just drive around and talk about everything in our heads. It's one of my earliest and fondest memories of New York feeling like home.

During Barack Obama's inauguration, we both took the day off and made "American cupcakes" at her apartment. We camped out in front of the tv for hours, eating red, white and blue cupcakes and crying as we watched him get sworn in. We also did incredibly dumb things, like the  night we decided to rent In the Cut because we heard there was a full frontal Mark Ruffalo scene. After work, we went to her apartment discussed the brilliant book by Susanna Moore and then freeze framed the full frontal shot of Mark Ruffalo as we critiqued his penis and drank Vodka Lemonade.  We both approved in our giggly tipsy state.

Her friendship during those dark post college months made things bearable and when she moved back home a few months later, due to finances, I was devastated. Of course we promised to keep in touch and would visit but it didn't feel the same when she left. I'd only known her a few months but I felt like i'd lost something huge.

Surprisingly, we've managed to stay in touch the last 8 years which is a feat with someone as flaky and nonchalant as myself. She's made treks back to New York occasionally to attend a wedding and she always makes a point of contacting me so we can catch up. We talk every so often during the year  just to catch up and there is an ease and sustenance to our friendship that makes me happy to know her even from afar.

So when I posted on FB that i was heading to CA this summer, she let me know she is now living in San Francisco and would love to catch up! I am excited and nervous about this mini reunion, especially since I know we are now going through the same "what the fuck am I supposed to be doing with my life" stage.

I am reading this book called The Rules Do Not Apply, and so far it's the book I didn't know I needed. It's a memoir about loss. The author loses her child and spouse, and way of life in the span of a year and I think it's about how she manages to confront those loses head on. It's been on my radar for months and I finally got my hands on and spent a few nights after work pouring through chapters. Of course, her writing is beautiful and tragic and I am obsessed with every word because I relate in many ways.

I must admit, I am at a turning point in my life. It's not a crisis like the quarter-life or mid but it is definitely an apex or a fork in the road. Sure I have a full time job, money in a savings account, a car and an apartment. Sure there is the occasional outing, or dinner date, or weekend having brunch with a friend. Sure, I am comfortable and even clear headed these days but I can't shake the feeling of loneliness. Like actual loneliness. I can go days with out social interactions or plans. I have stability but feel starved of an actual foundation.

I can't shake this feeling that I am missing out on the life I really want for myself. A life that is filled with a friends and family and love. A life where I am needed and supported and depended on.

In many ways I have survived loss already. But I never imagined that loss comes in many different forms. I don't miss working at the bookstore, I don't miss Sean, I don't miss the codependency of my friendship with Kat. But I do miss what each represented. I miss belonging. I miss that feeling like never before because I've lost it. And though the bookstore and Kat and Sean especially were never really mine by choice, I miss having friends, i miss having a romantic partner, I miss being apart of a clique and crew and knowing my place.

There is a huge and distinctive loss in my life and some how in living and surviving and fighting for every damn penny, I've lost some things in the process I didn't know I needed so much. And i want them back, not in their previous fucked up form, but in the versions that I deserve and that compliment whoever it is that i am now. And i just don't know how to go about getting those things. They feel unattainable and yet also on the tip of my tongue.

So for now I am just sort of existing and going through the motions even though it's not enough for me anymore. In about a month, i'll be on my way California for a week and I kind of hope when I return I can begin setting things in motion. That I can maybe live up to my full potential (which is risky and scary and gives me anxiety) instead of just sitting on the side-lines.

nolite te bastardes carborundorum

Mondays are the absolute worst. I'd hope this sentiment was just another adult lie, like eating healthy is fun and watching your friends have children and getting wedding invites is exciting. They aren't. I want to eat whatever I want and not have to worry about gaining a ton of weight. And while I am happy that my friends are settling, I have no interest in attending so many weddings. Just stop it! 

But  every single person who hates Monday is absolutely correct. It's just the worst day of the week and though I spend most of Sunday prepping myself to have a better Monday than the last, it never fails. Monday rolls around and kicks my ass again.I can't deal.

Over the weekend, a customer sent an email to my company complaining about their website. As I am the only customer service representative in the company, my stomach sort of dropped when i saw the email. I'd never spoken to the office or dealt with them directly regarding their website but my primary job is overseeing edits and making sure IT makes corrections when needed.

So i was a little taken aback by the email. Something was on their website that shouldn't have been there and they couldn't understand how this big of a mistake could be made. I was equally confused. I checked all of my emails to see if I could have made this mistake. If I could have accidentally overlooked this technical error. But I couldn't find one piece of evidence. The mistake must have gone through another channel.

Knowing this gave me some relief if i can be honest. I am a person who takes full responsibility for my mistakes and will go out of my way to amend the mistake as soon as possible. But i don't like feeling guilty for something that wasn't my fault. I am sensitive to this sort of blame. So when i couldn't find anything that lead me to be a fault  I spent the next two days not thinking about work at all. I shopped for vacation clothe,  I cleaned my house and watched a shit load of movies.  You know, the usual care-free weekend.

But then Monday rolled around and as soon as I get to work, before I can even put down my bag I hear Creepy Guy talking about the massive error on the client's website. He says he found the culprit and then goes into my managers office and loudly proclaims that it was done by one of the IT guys per a marketing persons requests. The IT guy uploaded the wrong files and that is why the massive error was on the site BUT despite the evidence he was more concerned that "Beckett didn't catch the error a few weeks ago because you know, she should have"

Asaywhat?!

I could not control my anger. Let me break down his logic.  I should have caught the error on a website that I have never worked on, never seen because an IT guy was given explicit orders to make the edit without me knowing and fumbled it somehow. I should have caught an error for a site, I was never notified was being worked on. I should have known to double check someone else's work despite not knowing this person was working on said site.

The logic is flawed and while I am pissed I am not surprised that I got blamed for a mistake that a) wasn't my fault at all and b) happened a month ago. My job is killing me. Killing me. This is not what I am supposed to be doing with my life, at all, and i am trying not to let the "bastards get me down" but I am frustrated and angry.

I try not to complain because it's my first real job and I am grateful as hell to be able to pay rent and food and clothes without having to sacrifice things. I broke my fitbit watch last week and I was able to buy a new one because I now have a savings account for emergencies (grant it, the watch wasn't an emergency but I am so used to having a fitbit watch, it was weird not having one).  I am grateful that I was able to buy a car and book a vacation to California this summer because of my okay paying gig.  But outside of my paycheck, my job is an absolute clusterfuck.

Last week a girl got fired because she got into an argument with a really annoying marketing guy. I wouldn't even call it an argument. It was a disagreement. Unfortunately, the guy she argued with has been with the company for 5 years and she was immediately let go because they thought she brought too much drama to the company. This is the same company that doesn't have an HR department to handle such disagreement appropriately One the day they let her go my boss waited until the end of the day and asked everyone to leave the office for 15 minutes so he could fire her and leave the office with no one around. I was mortified.

My job is just a mess and days like today and I annoyed that I am not doing what I was meant to do. Don't get me wrong, I have no clue what my "calling" is but I know it isn't this. It can't be, right?
I am trying to hold on until after my vacation next month. I want to just enjoy a week in California with my brother and mom and then figured out the life stuff later. Cause unfortunately, i have a lot of life stuff to figure out and it's sort of piling up.

Photographic Evidence of my Existence

Sorry for the absence. Per usual, blogging is taking a backseat to general life stuff and every time I think I have the time or the energy to write something that notion is quickly squashed.

I promise I will write a real post soon. Even if it's a short update on the happenings in my life. Until then here's a pictures of my reading/writing corner. If anything, i've spent the last few weeks shopping and decorating my apartment in preparation for another hot and disgusting summer.

~Becks

13 Reasons Why

I just finished watching Thirteen Reasons Why on Netflix and of course I am now a bubbling, triggered mess of tears and puffy eyes and general sadness. I am struck by the  honest the portrayal of grief and growing pains and disconnectedness. I am struck by my connection to both Hannah (the girl who dies) and Clay (the boy who loved and lives). I am struck by how guttural my grief still is and how scared that I continue to grow and evolve around this giant aspect of myself.

This series is fantastic though it will take me days to get out of this grief funk that continues to surface from time to time.

United States of Whatever

Our last (hopefully) snowstorm of the winter killed my car battery and I just spent an hour sitting in the lobby of Mavis while they restored my baby back to life.

As expected the lure of a snowstorm was quickly replaced by real world annoyance. Shoveling, bundling up, avoiding ice and trying to revive a dead battery. I attempted to call out of work the day after the snow storm because overnight the snow just turned into ice and I was worried about driving. My work from home day was pretty successful so I figured I could manage working from home again.

That idea was quickly shot down by my boss who seems not to like me personally but loves me professionally. It's hard to explain but as usual i'll try. He likes Patricia so much, I think he assumed no one would be able to replace her when she could no longer manage customer service and her new role in the company. Because of this he gave me the hardest time when I first started. He made snide critiques about how long it took me to learn something. He'd reprimand me via Patricia about minute details that i had little to no control over and once he got so agitated by my presence he spent 15 minutes talking to her about how i wouldn't measure up. This all occurred week one.

If you are wondering why I didn't quit then, it's because I was poor. I was struggling to pay my rent, struggling to feed myself, struggling to commute back and forth. I was sick of going on interviews and having to prove I was a competent and good worker.  Everything around me was falling apart: Sean, the bookstore, the university job, my health...so I took the first job that was offered to me and vowed to stick it out. I had no choice. So even after that first week where I was made to look like a complete and utter fool, even when my boss treated me like I did not belong there...i stuck it out.

Of course, I quickly proved that I was a good employee but  also much better at Patricia's job than she was. My boss and Patricia tried to continually find errors in my work only to come up with....nothing. Despite my anxiety and general discomfort with people, I excel at customer service. I like being helpful, I like resolving things. When given a task, I am willing to go above and beyond to complete it. So at work, I am a champion employee.

Patricia resents this because it makes her look dumb and my boss refuses to accept that he was wrong about me while also taking all the credit for how great of an employee I am. Because of this how he treats me vs. how he talks about me are two different things. I feel like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I am praised for my work, I am told how much of an asset I am but he always gives me shit if I take a day off and has reprimanded me for minor errors. If i make a spelling mistake or answer the phone a ring too late he expresses legit disdain.

On Friday he raised his voice at me because I wanted to handle a client situation in a way that would provide a permanent solution not a temporary one. He did not like this one bit and felt inconveienced when I offered a solution that would require more work then he is accustomed to. He didn't chew me out or yell at me, but he definitely raised his voice and attempted to put in my place which was unnecessary. This exchange happenned the day after my failed attempt to call out. He called me 10 minutes after I sent in my "i'm not coming to work today email" and offered to pay for my cab ride to and from work if i came in. "it's better if you are here" he begged and like an asshole, I went in.

I am frustrated by my job. It's is a poorly run, disorganized place that just happens to pay well. I am anxious to work anywhere else, especially since my skills are sort of exemplary. I like working, I like being useful, I like being good at something and because I am not so great at a lot of things, being a great employee has to suffice for now. But I am worried about the economy, I am worried about health insurance, I am worried about being laid off, I am worried about making a big change in this 'climate" and having things come crashing down suddenly.

I live in a perpetual state of real world anxiety. I am finally providing for myself and strengthening my skills. I am finally on the path to a healthy, stable life. But that seems up in the air now. I want to find a new job, a job that will turn into a career for me. I want to buy a home. I want to be in a committed relationship. I want to travel and see the world. And I can still do all of these things, sure, but it isn't without a level of complete and utter dread.

I never really understood how closely my quality of life was related to the stability of my country. But now I know and strongly believe that it is. I am afraid to make any moves in any direction because I am fearful of: war, economic collapse, isolationism, populism, racism. It's absolutely insane and yet here I am...unable to move. Paralyzed partially because of instability.

This summer my mom, brother and I are going to California. We've been planning this trip for a year. The tickets are purchased, the hotel booked and plans solidified. I am excited but also terribly nervous. I keep talking about the trip as if it isn't going to happen. As if some calamity will prevent us from heading out west in a few months. I hate that I live in this state of preparedness. That things are so bad I a) cannot appreciate the good (i'm going to California!) and b) that I am expecting things in the states to get worse.  Worse than they already are.

I have to find a way to channel my anxiety because right now it is paralyzing me. I am unable to take any of the big steps I finally feel prepared to take because of what is going on around me. But I want to miss out on opportunities: growth, love, adventure and hell even a new job because of things that are out of my control. I have to find a way to breathe and live while the world I know and love unravels.

Stella

I am working from home today because, well, I live in the northeast and after months of complaining that we have yet to have a proper workday snowstorm...bam, a blizzard in the middle of the March. Sorry, everyone. Finally my prayers to the snow goddess worked.

My dad says I'm officially a New Yorker again because while snow is beautiful and meditative, I tend to favor Fall and Spring. I am only tolerate of snow the weeks leading up to Christmas. After that, the idea of shoveling, bundling up, avoiding slush and of course the dreaded "yellow" snow makes me resent the soft yet thunderous flakes.

With snow everything is only beautiful and peaceful when it's coming down and we are all tucked inside. It's only truly magical untouched. Sans footprints, or car tracks or worse when it begins to dissolve. Snow, for me, is only beautiful when it covers everything and stalls time.

I feel a kinship to Snow. I had Scarlett fever when I was a baby and almost died and a snowstorm saved my life. My mom tells this story all the time because I enjoy listening to it. Her seeing me blue lipped and unresponsive. Her freaking out and crying because she thought I was dying. She wanted to have another child (me) because she decided to leave my father. She didn't want my brother to grow up alone. She felt she could survive leaving my father as a family of three not two. So when she found out she was pregnant, she decided after I was born that she would leave my dad.

When she found me unresponsive that night, she had no clue it was because of Scarlet Fever. She just knew I was suffering. She called the ambulance who were on their way to us but she was frantic and instead of waiting in the house she decided to take me outside in a snowstorm. Her family is from the south, from an Island off the Coast of Charleston that is full of superstitious people. I can only imagine that in her moment of sheer terror at losing the child, she thought nature would save me. Or at least that the snow would reduce my fever.

So she carried me outside. Knelt in front of our house where the snow was already 3 inches or more high and she used the snow as a blanket around me. When she tells the story, it always sounds like she buried me in a shallow snow grave. She covered my whole body except for head and feet until my fever resided. She says I didn't move for a few seconds but then suddenly jolted back with a cry, not of pain but maybe of life. And when the ambulance finally arrived we were both covered in snow while cradled me in her arms.

So I get snow. I understand it. I am thankful every year for at least one big snow storm to jolt back me back to life. Sure, I am elated about Spring and flowers and sunlight and skirts but I am always grateful for a little snow. It always seems so restorative and quiet because everything for a brief moment is untouched and stilled.

Birthday Outing

Hashtag 31

I'll probably delete this cause ya'll know how I feel about privacy. But I'm 31 today. 31. 

Birthday

Tomorrow I turn 31. Oh. My. Gawd. I cannot comprehend this.


Today I woke up around 7, took a shower, ate breakfast and read a few chapters from an Ocativa Butler book. Once I was satisfied with ending at the right moment in the book (and fully caffeinated), I decided to get dress so I could head to work. 

I got my hair done this weekend, so I was feeling extra pretty today. I decided to wear my black denim jeans, a low cropped grey t-shirt under a light black hoodie. I paired this with a fake leather jacket because Spring is around the corner and I am over long puffy coats. I finished the look with my black combat boots that always make me feel badass and feminine.

As I was leaving my apartment, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. These days, I am often struck by my appearance and the way I carry myself. I am 30 years old. I am less anxious, more grounded and okay in my skin. I am more aware of who I am, which makes me worry less about how others see me.

With my straight jet black hair hitting the collar of my leather jacket, My thin face eclipsed by huge brown eyes...I was overcome by the person starring back at me. I've come so far since college, and post college and Marie's death.

I am the same 19 year old girl who wore layers of clothing to hide my chubbiness. I am the same 21 year old who spent her birthday alone playing the sims. I am the same 22 year old who cried on the subway after saying goodbye to my mom. I am the same 25 year old who lost her best friend suddenly and fell to pieces. I am the same 28 year old who caressed a horrible boy to sleep a few nights before he departed for the Navy.

And yet despite everything...I am also this entirely new person. A person that surprises me everyday. A person who speaks her mind, is flirtatious, is confident and fiercely independent. A person who pays bills, and drives a car and makes doctors appointment. A person who makes decisions and frets about life and is contemplative. A person who still struggles everyday with congruence and wholeness. A person who still seeks balance on the tip-rope.

I turn 31 tomorrow, and it strikes me how profound and momentous that is.

Loneliness.

My mind is very muddled these days and honestly, for the most part, I am not coping or managing. Between daily anxiety attacks and little energy to do much of anything...things are not well for me mentally. I am struggling to step out of myself and just breathe. There are things I can control, there are things I cannot and these two realizations will never ever find middle ground.

This insanity that is life these days would be easier to manage if I had actual friends. But I am suddenly a friendless, hapless, 30 year old. I do not regret ending my friendship with Kat. It was necessary but she was kind of the reason I had so many people in my life. She was the beautiful popular one who befriended the small and socially awkward girl. She was like knowing the bouncer of a club I would otherwise be denied from. And now that we aren't friends, I don't have much of a support group around me. My access has been revoked.

I have not been this alone since college and I must admit returning to this alone-ness is strange. Familiar, survivable but strange. I suddenly don't exist as I used to. This is only really evident when I want to do something and realize I don't have anyone to do them with. Heather, my only real friend at the moment. is only accessible on her time. She's sort of straight forward about this,  so I am not offended or hurt. .When she needs to do something (shopping, movies, eating lunch) that she doesn't want to do alone, she'll ask me to go because she knows I am available. It's a little isolating and we haven't really hung out much these last few weeks because she has a life very independent of our friendship.

My non-existent social life  is a direct correlation to my increasing anxiety. Don't get me wrong... I am very much an introverted person. I struggle to express myself verbally, I need "me" time, I am a fan of silence...but loneliness is not something I enjoy. They are two different entities. Life is simply about sharing experiences and moments with people you choose to have in your life. Whether it's a handful or a few chosen few.  It is about interconnecte-ness. It is about love, in all it's various forms. And I miss having bonds with people. I miss feeling needed and loved.

So of course I am an anxious and messy these days. Of course I am vulnerable and sensitive to everything around me because I don't have the comfort of friends to assuage my fears. Left to my own devices I am a paranoid, sullen and un-centered person. I am not my best self. I recognize now that  you can be an introvert and still required the presences of people to thrive. Sometimes that gets lost in the conversation of introversion and extroversion.

With spring approaching I hope to curb this hopelessness. I need to be more social. I have to make friends. I have to be a part of a community again. I worry about my alone-ness, not on a large scale but on a small intimate scale. My birthday is a week away, I will be 31 years old and I have no one to share the day with.  I worry that my alone-ness is permanent. That I have missed the window for connections. On a large scale this thought terrifies me. On a small scale, this thought ignites my resolve to do something so my life feels...centered again.

Sides of History

I am officially on Melatonin again. Yay for insomnia and general stress induced awfulness.

I am a person deeply affected by my environment. When things are good, I am good. When things are not great, well...

 Last summer I was perhaps at my peak good-ness. I'd been at my job for a few months and was starting to make real money.  Kat and I were in-sync with our friendship and spending quality  healthy time together.  I was in-shape and athletic and learning to accept my body as it surprised and changed. My apartment was also just beginning to feel like home, I was buying furniture and establishing a routine for myself that accommodated my new life. My life felt new last summer. There was no Sean, no bookstore, no vertigo. There was just this feeling of peace because things were falling together for once.

 So much has changed. Everything feels fucked.

I haven't had a good nights sleep in 14 days. How has it only been  14 days since T***p was sworn in as our "president". I use this phrase lightly. I won't apologize for how politically themed my journal entries will be these days, weeks, month and/or years. This is not democracy were are living in. I am stunned by how quickly things have changed as a citizen. I am fearful of going to sleep at night because I know I will wake up to another ghastly breaking news advent. Every day since T***p has been president has been a nightmare.

I am not okay and this has nothing to do with party lines, or gender lines or race lines. I am not okay because as a human being the last 14 days have been ghastly to watch and be apart of. For the first time, in my whole entire life, I am ashamed of my country. I also do not say this lightly but I am ashamed that differences in how we choose to govern has allowed us to abandon basic decency. How did we get to this point in history where a madman is at the helm and everyone is sort of directionless as he targets women, Muslims, minorities, the economy, nature

I stay away from the news as much as possible but Twitter is a helluva drug. It keeps me aware enough to stay "woke" but not too engrossed that I end up terrified and unable to function as a human being. But even with these limiting strategies, i am anxious and crabby and not well these days. After the Muslim ban last Friday, I think i may have cried myself to sleep...something I have not done in a very long time.

I wanted to participate in the protests that weekend but protesting alone is not something I feel comfortable doing. Outside of the Women's March, Heather is pretty uninterested in participating in future demonstrations and as my only friend...she'd be the only one I could attend these protests with at the moment. But she has decided to take a more passive approach to the turmoil happening in front of us. She seems only affected by some offenses (the ones against women) rather than all offenses and this is sort of bothersome.

Were it not for my anxiety or alone-ness I'd attend every demonstration there was. I am against the ban, I am against the wall, I am against reversing Roe Vs. Wade, I am against the pipeline. I am against fascism and sexism and racism and any forms of legislation that will harm the economy and the environment. But I feel alone is in my empathy for every single group negatively affected by his administration.  And though I feel a kinship and appreciation and respect for all of the people out there protesting. I am not sure what my role is yet as I am paralyzed with fear and disgust for the world I am now apart of.

 5 days a week I am at work where everyone appears to be going about their life as usual. And not because we aren't allowed to talk politics at work, but because everyone is so damn young and self absorb I can't imagine they even notice the world is falling apart. I feel like I am living in two different narratives: one where the world I see it is a complete and utter disaster. One where racism and sexism and populism (fascism) have been normalized. And the other world, where where this is either seen as okay or the indifference masks how utterly indecent the world now is.

I am baffled. I am scared. I am uninterested in participating in any discussions other than making this situation better. I do not want to be on the wrong side of history. I don't want to passively sit around as things fall apart. But I feel immobilized. I am without merit.

 I regret spending four years obtaining  just a BA in English. I wish I would have gone to law school or at least taken some civics classes. I wish I knew more about how the world runs, how the government governs and the steps to take to make things better. Instead, I am anxious and a little hopeless. I am afraid because I imagine things will only get worse from here.

And living in this state of fear is beginning to take its toll. I am obsessed with the fallout. I am behind the wheel of my car, and there is a accident on the shoulder and I know I need to focus on where I am going but I crane my neck regardless to bear witness. And this constant state of fear has just made me bitter and scared. It paralyzes me. I am exhausted, tired and scared. I just hope I can channel this despair into real energy. Right now, it has lead to sleeplessness and depression. 

Human

I started high school during the election of 2000. I was 13 years old and not  interested in politics or the news but the contentious election year was something that was always in the foreground. My mom was glued to CNN and the three of us spent many nights in the living room camped out in front of the TV listening to distrust from many about George Bush

I was 13 years old so my moms fears quickly became my own. At the time, there weren't any dystopian  teen novels to read to assuage my fears. They didn't exist, if I can be honest. I had Orwell and Nevil Shute, Huxley, Burgess and Bradbury but the tales of  tyranny seemed oddly outdated though set in a future closer to my own.

I remember being afraid, because I was told to be afraid. Bush could not be good for this county. He would not be good for minorities or women or the middle-class. We were heading into dangerous times, was the pervading words I heard and lived by for eight years.

Sixteen years later I feel like an asshole for thinking Bush was the worst we could get. He was not. He wasn't great but he wasn't the worst. The worst is now. The worst is signing executive orders left and right that delegitimize American citizens. The worst is tweeting about how the worst is yet to come. The worst is promoting "alternative facts" and a shrewd disregard for values counterproductive to the populist movement. Democracy is fragile. I know this now because we are stepping further and further away from her.

 I will lay out my facts for you.  I am scared. I repeat, I am scared. Embarrassed. Mortified. Ashamed.  Scared. I hope that following my life journey these last 10 years makes these fear valid to anyone who is reading.. I am scared, this is not the America I know or love. This is not democracy at hand.

This weekend I marched with my friend Heather in the city. It was peaceful, restorative and full of kind passionate and frightened individuals.  In my 30 years I did not think I have to brave the cold with millions of other women, children and men to march peacefully about unity. But there I was, with stranger turned friends struggling to make sense of the world.

I am afraid of the unknown. Days after the march, it seems as if everyone is just accepting this absurdity as the new norm. It is strange how history repeats itself. How we tell ourselves we won't ever return to some moment in time...only to arrive at it's door.

I am anxious and afraid and despondent. I am leaderless. I feel country-less. 

i'm scared....

what if the economy crashes.

what if women rights are diminished.

what is someone legalizes the right to tell me what is or is not best for my body.

what if I lose my job, because the country goes bankrupt.

what if the price of gas rises. 

what if my 'blackness' becomes something people can hurl hateful words towards.

what if a wall is built.

what if racism and sexism and homophobia are normalized.

what if there is a rise in hate crimes (especially towards Muslims).

what if the Affordable Health Care is repealed.

what if we go to war.

what if there is another shooting.

what if Russian had implict role in the election.

what if we take 17 million steps back in the wrong direction

what if we don't survive "this" whatever this is

I am scared. I am petrified. And please don't tell me that I shouldn't be afraid. I am scared. I am petrified and I am not handling any of this well.

Women's March

This Saturday I am attending the Women's March in the city. I have never felt so much disdain, disgust and hopeless since the election results and I want to be a part of something important. My mom is a mini history buff. Growing up she would make my brother and I learn about dead presidents and other historical figures. I have and always been proud to be an American because I recognize that our freedom is unparalleled.

But as a minority and a women, I also recognize that these freedoms were not always so easy to obtain for people like me. Until a week ago I used to read under the American Flag that faced my reading chair. I bought it soon after Sean graduated from the Navy because I was feeling super patriotic. Even after the Sean debacle, I still found solace in the colors and the stars and the stripes. I felt comfort for the country of my birth and now my choice.

This weekend I took the flag down. Folded it properly and placed it on the top shelf of my closet. It may return when i feel decency and democracy has return. In it's place is now a quote by Tina Fey. 

I was told not to worry, that things would not be so bad but dammit all to hell if am not feeling a little less confidant in this county I love. Dammit all to hell, as I scratch my head in  bewilderment. Democracy seems to be falling apart around me and everyone is shrugging it off as the new norm.

So I've decided to March this Saturday. And any and all Saturday's after that. I've decided to get involve and use my voice for good.  I've decided to voice my concerns. I may not have voted for this candidate but I am a citizen of these states that he is so flippant in disregarding

I am nervous and anxious and honestly, maybe even a little scared. But the stakes feel too high to let that get in the way of what's right.

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