Reading Day

I've decided to spend the better part of today curled up with a book. I haven't done that in a while.

When i'm not obsessing about graduation, loan repayments, the big move, transportation, potential job, or the internship, i'm passed out on my bed from too much thinking and too much packing.

There is a little part of me that is obsessive. Once i get a thought, i won't stop thinking about it until i have come to some sort of conclusion. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. When i have a story idea it's fun to spend all day creating it in my head. I put on some music, grab a notebook and pen and write the whole day. But when i worry about things, those thoughts can just get plan exhausting. I've been doing a lot of worrying lately over trivial and minor things which is giving me a headache.

Yesterday my mom had a day off, and we spent the whole day running around town. We got more boxes for me to put stuff in, and my aunt called and said she was uber excited about me staying with her. She even cleaned up the room that i will be staying in (which if you've seen this mess of a room you'd know how big of a challenge it was for her to clear it out).

Every one seems more excited about this move than i am. My mom thinks I'm fearless. Debbie Downer called me brave. Maire once said i was lucky to be moving so close to the city. I don't feel like any of those things. I feel a little nervous, with a dash of apprehension mixed with a crap load of longing....for things to stay just as they are.

I don't feel like that all the time. Just 15% of the time, usually when I'm applying for a job, packing things up, or listening to the quietness of small town, U.S.A. I'm wondering if all the small and delicate luxurious that i have taken for granted will be stripped from me. My mom says that you make a home for yourself any where you go, and those delicate moments won't end unless i stop making the time for them.

She's right i know. But i still worry.

After a long day yesterday, i decided that the next two days will be mine (sans obsessive packing or over thinking). My mom found this wicked awesome author in the New York Times. His name is Chris Adrian, and i don't even know how to explain his work. He's a doctor/priest in training/author, which is an electic mix if you ask me. He writes unique (which has become so cliche i hate using it) stories that i could have never conceived in a million years. Children are usually the protagonist or a central theme to his work followed by these mystical, macabre themes.

We found his two published novels in the library, and so far they are both a good read. I made an caramel apple bar yesterday(because apparently I've become quite a baker in the last three weeks), and have updated my Sufjan Stevens playlist for the day long reading fest.

I'm my biggest distraction these days and feel a good book, a tasty dessert, and my future husband singing good tunes while calm me.

Moving Boxes

Less than 2 weeks until graduation! I'm freaking out.

The plans for the big move and coming together. Yesterday i was forced to sort through my clothes and make a pile for what to keep and what to donate. This was not an easy task. I'm a proponent of sharing. I do the share test for all of my friends and potential crushes. It's not particularly scientific but i do think it is a huge judge of character. If someone offers me half of something, or a little bit of something then i see potential in their friendship.

I mean i never thought the whole "learning how to share in Kindergarten" would come in handy, but a handful of years later and i am still share.

However there are some people who are so picky over there stuff that you could be sitting there, stomach growling, while said person is chomping on chips or something. Without offering you ANYTHING. This has happened before, and this person usually ends up being a a**hole (probably because of bias).

I give the test every once in a while, especially if we are out to eat. I'm a food sharer, and i value friends who are food sharers too (there is a difference however in plain old moochers who take sharing and borrowing to a different level). In June i spent more time eating out than i would like to admit. I did the share test with my co-workers, just because i hung out with them most of the day.Almost everyone was willing to share something, except for Katherine. I'm not saying this proves anything, but it does give me test some validity

Though i value sharing, i do have a small problem giving clothes away. I'm attached to clothing, they are my comfort items.There is this commercial with a little boy who wears this beanie all day. At school, at home, when he's playing, even when he's sleeping. It was a stupid washer and dryer commercial but by the end of it i was like "I WAS THAT KID". I'm like Linus from peanuts, except i don't carry around a blue blanket. I did have a blue jacket as a kid though, that i wore every where.

I don't even care how worn it is, i just like having comfort clothes. I have this stupid green army jacket that i bought in high school. It's vintage!!! The thing does not fit it. It's a couple of sizes too big, really long for my height, and i think there is a blood stain on the right pocket. Regardless of the blood splatter (which if tested could probably solve some crime) I love the jacket.

However, after trying it on again this past week and realizing it was bigger than ever on me, it had to go in the donate pile. Do you hear that sound? It's my heart breaking. I always complain about my lack of clothes, but there was a crap load of stuff i packed yesterday. I have a ridiculous amount of books( and dvd's), some which i may never read (or watch) and some that i read over and over again. Any Jane Austen Book is staying, but the movie about Jane Austen is coming.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Dead Like Me is a must have, but i may leave 007 with Daniel Craig. My mom loves that movie and watches it all the time. It couldn't live with myself if I tore it away from her. I may throw in the Borne Trilogy because she's a fan of Matt Damon too.

Packing up is weird. You forget why you bought this or that, you try endlessly to hold on to something you want but don't need, and your taping up your whole life in a box. A Box. Right now if someone was to rummage through the boxes I've taped, i don't even know what they would think about me. There is just a miscellaneous amount of books (of all genres), movies (of all genres), tons of hats and cardigans. Along with a collection of old GQ magazines and records.

I've got a lot more to pack, but i'm going to hold off on that for the moment. I've been sitting at a blank screen with this whole the radio internship and it's due in less than 2 months. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this. It's different from writing an everyday resume and cover letter. I want to write something that highlights my strengths (as a worker) but that also says "hey i'm a creative type too". Now, i just have to figure out how to do that, while also standing out from the loads of people applying.

But first...breakfast.

The Replacement

There was this girl in high school named Miranda, who tried desperately to be my BFF. It wasn't that i was opposed to being friends with her, but i kind of already had a BFF and there was no need for a replacement.



After some failed attempts to steal me away from Marie, she settled into a Buddy mode which i was more than okay with. She's the kind of girl with a million plans, yet she has no idea how to make them happen. She's more talk than anything else.



Marie and i would sit and listen to her stories all the time about what she was going to do post high school. It was a little annoying. She was convinced that she was friends with the more popular kids in school (which she wasn't) and any time a popular Heather or a popular Lauren walked by us in the hallway, she would wave frenetically in their direction. They smiled back of course, but not with the "OMG, she's a really cool girl". It was more of a pathetic acknowledgment of her.



Any who, ever since college I've run into from time to time at the mall or supermarket. And this only because i didn't run out of her eyesight fast enough. Every time i have seen her, she's "doing" something new and exciting. According to her mom, who runs into my mom all the time, she isn't doing much of anything. She went to school for a while, before dropping out. Then she reapplied and dropped out again. Right now she is applying to a small school literally minutes where i live now.

I ran into her on Tuesday at the mall. I'm no mallrat, but my watch brought and i was hoping i could find a band there. When i turned around she was literally in my face with "OMG's!!" and "It's been so long". My mom, being the best person ever, ran faster than I've ever seen her run in the opposite direction.

As usual, we talked about school and then she asked me for my phone number so we could hang out. I reluctantly handed over my number followed by a "that would be cool". Even though that would not be cool.

I usually hang out with Marie during the summer, but after her move and new job....i haven't heard from her. Seriously.

She moved in early May, days after graduating and i haven't heard from her since. I've emailed her, called her, and even text message and not a word.

Maybe because i am slightly neurotic and easily rattled, but i have concluded that this can mean only two things.

1) She is having the Best time ever! She has her own apartment, she's getting a new car (that last time i checked). She met some hot geeky engineer (similar to her last boyfriend) who she is spending all her time with, along with a similar witty and fairly interesting best friend. Her job is wicked awesome, and she is spending her days doing average and fun 22 year old things. Who has time to call old bff's.

Now to the next scenario

2) She's having the Worst time ever! Marie has a tendency for exaggeration (who doesn't) and previous talks of dream car, dream life may not be. Maybe she hates her job at the pig farm thing. Maybe she hasn't gotten her dream car yet. Perhaps she is missing her college friends (and old high school buddy) but doesn't want to admit it. Maybe nothing exciting is going on. Maybe the dream life she envisioned for herself isn't so and she doesn't want to talk to me and have to BS on the phone.

I know I'm totally abandoning that middle ground. That she is probably busy with starting her new life,which is both exciting and boring. I'm not the middle ground kind of person, I'm just imagining a wickedly awesome life for her, which has no space for little old me.

She was mainly concerned about making friends. I know there was a crap load of other things she was concerned about because i am freaking out about them now. I'm concerned with whether i will like the place i am moving (regardless of being from there). Will i like my job?, will i met people? So maybe she is sorting those fears out combined with an attempt to make her home and life where's she at.

I don't know. It sucks to be left out of the loop for either scenario's.

Miranda is trying real hard to be Marie's replacement for the next two weeks. But i would rather avoid spending a day with her. I don't need a replacement. I don't want a replacement.

Is that what happens when you graduate and get a real job? You get all busy and disappear into a portal of marginally happy working stiffs. If that's the case, i would be so disappointed.

Are You Out Of Your Mind.

Apparently it cost $90 for some old dude to teach me how to drive.

$90!!!

I already know how to drive. I have been driving for a very long time. And there is no way that i am forking over $90, for two hours, for some guy to give me pointers. That's $90 i could put in to buying Rock Band.

I'll just have to wing it myself. I thought i was going to take the test on Friday, and my anxiety was flaring up like crazy. I notice that when something is on the line, i freak out. Not in that crazy sort of way, but my thoughts begin a slippery slope of disaster.

If i don't get my driver's license, i will not become a writer because writers have drivers license?

I mean i know it's stupid when the thought comes into my mind, but at the exact moment i am so resolute in my own thought process that rationale is thrown out of the window. After a while, i calm down make light of the situation and approach it from a more realistic angle.

This is exactly what happened when i was writing my short story for grad school. Every comma, period, fragment sentence became a pass or fail thing. I couldn't get through a single word without hearing "this isn't going to get you in, are you out of your mind".

I'm been writing a lot this summer with much more freedom than last semester. I'm taking in account the grammatical and structural aspect of writing. But for the most part it's just writing whatever i want, whenever i want.

Ever since i declared that i wanted to become a writer, I've had to find the balance between my passion and my career. It's way difficult because i am naturally a self conscious person, who is her own worst enemy. When i was in my creative writing class, one of the guys in my group said he wanted to write just like me. It was a consensus throughout from the whole group, but i shrugged the comments off, burying my poetry under paper after it was critiqued.

Writing has always been the spontaneous thing. I don't really think about what i am writing until after i've written it. Sometimes it only makes sense to me, because it's suppose. But then i realize that a lot of people connect to what i write, but knowing that gets me all self conscious and critical. It did not help that i was applying to grad school so quickly, or that did not have a portfolio. So i basically messed the grad school thing before i even started applying.

If i could just stop having a critic in my head, i feel like i would get a lot more done. I may even pass my driving test.

Who knows.

Exciting News!! I literally just got a call 5 minutes ago about a potential job in Greenwich. Holy Mother! She said (the recruiter lady) she read my resume off of HotJobs, and was interested in meeting with me to talk about doing administrative work at an Ad Agency. This is not Random House, but it is a job and money can and will be made.

That is promising news. Very promising!

I've been nervous about money and loan repayment the last couple of days. I have nothing locked down in the job department but am hopeful that something will come up (and it may have). I hate that i'm graduating (which is good) but that i have all this money to pay back (which is bad). I'm looking forward to my new life, and the possibilities that await me but i am still a little scared.

When i think about what i want for myself, sometimes it so simple i feel like it's out of reach. I want good friends, lazy weekends baking pies and taking pictures. Lots of story writing, maybe an outside acoustic show or two.

I want an Art Boy or Rock & Roll boy. I want a job that i don't hate. I want a favorite spot i can go to all by myself, and just sit and think. These aspirations seem simple enough, but i feel like there is a part of my personality that's make them difficult to achieve. That damn critic inside of my head that says "are you out of your mind, you don't deserve those things".

I wish Toby, my Therapist, was here to help me sort it all out. I am looking into continuing therapy in Westchester. It helped me a lot when i was in school, i can only imagine how much it will help me in the "real world".

Freaks & Geeks

I want to be a part of a dream team!

On Friday me and my mom drove around to do some errands.

I don't know how to cook to save my life and because i am moving in with my aunt(who doesn't like to cook) and her daughter (who is 3 and loves eggs) I figured i need to learn something before i move.

I planned on making breakfast today, going all out with some french toast, eggs, and a mixture of fruit. We had to get some supplies though, and the local supermarket was our place of interest.

Of course, as usual, i got distracted in the magazine aisle and came across the new issue of GQ. For those who don't know, i freaking love this magazine more than anything in the whole entire world. My dream job consist of working for this magazine. I'm not really in to girls fashion, because boys in nice clothes interest me more. The articles are witty and brilliant, the layouts are stunning, and every month i wait patiently to see who will be on the cover.

When the new issue of GQ comes out my mom always makes a joke that she won't see or him from me for that whole day. And she's right. I thumb through that thing from beginning to end, and then the end to the beginning.

I haven't been paying attention to much these last couple of weeks, and totally forgot about the new issue. I almost squealed (okay i did squeal) when i saw the new issue with Seth Rogen on the cover. I saw Knocked up when i was at school, and was surprised by how much i laughed. I sort of developed a crush on Seth Rogen, scruff and all.

As expected, my mom did not see or hear from me all day Friday becacuse i was wrapped up in the Comedy Issue of GQ ( after a disappointing month with Gisele Bunchen on the last cover). Along with reading all about Seth Rogen, and other men (and some but a small number of women) of comedy i happened to watch Superbad this weekend. Another Seth Rogen movie (with the equally HIGHlarious Michael Cera and Jonah Hill). To say i laughed my ass off would be an understatement. It was the funniest thing i have seen in a while, and i was tempted to go out and buy it from best buy.

Apparently Rogen is a writer/actor/probably producer. He and a couple of his buds are coined the "comedy mafia", a group of actors, writers, producers, and directors geared to wicked awesome comedy.

This group, the "comedy mafia", made the show "Freak & Geek" (which was cancelled) and Undeclared (which was cancelled). Both shows a favorite of mine growing up. Now they are creating movies left and right, which are funny and true to their craft. I'm in love. I want to be a part of this dream team.

Growing up i mainly wrote with a group of people. My brother and i created this short lived cartoon, mirrored after the day to day life of a super bird. It was amazingly bad and we argued every day while we created this thing. But it was so much fun. I had this circular table in my room, which we used as the writing and drawing station. It was a collaborative thing, which i have always loved with writing.

I used this experience with my brother in other sort of situations with friends who showed an interest in writing and drawing. I use to hang out after school with two of my best friends, where we tried to write a screenplay. It didn't go so well, because we just ended up talking for hours, but it was fun.

And even know, when i think of what can be down the line, i hope to have a small close group of writers and other creative types to collaborate with.

It would be so ideal. And Fun. I just need to meet some wickedly funny guys (and girls. Though for some reason with the exception of Tina Fey, female head writers are few to none) to bump ideas off of, and create stuff together.

Meeting my Quota and then some...

So i finally have a moving day. Yeah.

I was a little worried that my mom would try to keep me here until late September. The last time i talked about my post graduate plans, she nearly cried. But she seems okay with me leaving a little earlier now. Plus she has a vacation a week after i graduate, so it seems like the best time to move. So August 15th is when i am out of here. I'm a bundle of nerves.

I have a few things to wrap up here before i go.

I worked more hours at the library then i intended. By work of course, i mean i sat in the library for more hours than i intended. I admit, i really didn't do much in the month of June. Unless you count playing Rock Band, talking to Debbie Downer, and searching the Internet. I squeezed in work sometimes, but i gave myself the position of making sure everyone else was working. Debbie Downer called that promotion potential. Anyway the amount of time i did spend in the library (working or not working) has given me more than enough money for my move (and first loan payment). Though i am living with my aunt for a while, it's still necessary to have some money until i can find a job (which at this point may be at a bookstore, until i find out about the internship I'm applying for).

Book publishing doesn't seem like an easy business to break into. I've applied to at least 7 positions in the last month, and have been waiting for something to come up. Random House is like the creme-dela-creme of book publishing companies. If it were a college it would be some Ivy League school that would reject me in a heart beat. Writing that I'm from small town USA, and that i went just a regular university, does not compare to some hot shot girl named Allison who went to Columbia or Yale with references and experience up her ass, applying for the same job.

It hasn't stopped me from applying though, but i'm more realistic about where i may or may not find a job at. I'm a little more focused on this internship though. Having a internship on my application with a nationally accredited, award winning, groundbreaking podcast show will give me some leverage over any IVY league Allison running around. The more and more i think about it, listen to the podcast, come up with my own show ideas the more excited about the opportunity (and lets be honest, the pay). The hours are hella long, and the work will be challenging. But the perks are endless.

Before i get in over my head with moving, job and new life in NYC, there is still one big thing i have to get done. Her name is Driver's License. And she's kicking my ass. As some of you may or may not i have been driving illegally since i was 17. I know I'm all sorts of bad and hardcore. Trust me i don't like driving illegally but i can't seem to get a driver's license to save my life. I've taken the test three times and failed miserably. I haven't really taken the test since i was 19, so i'm a little rusty on what to expect.

Though i will have public transportation, it's still important to at least have a driver's license. So if wanted to rent a car and drive to a concert outside of Westchester i can do so. More importantly my baby cousin is going to college, and he is excited that i will only be 2 hours away from him. He has this idea that he will come home every weekend so we can hang out (he's so sweet i know) but i've reassured that once he makes friends i will not be his main priority. I wouldn't mind driving up to Albany from time to time to visit him though. Plus having a driver's license, will help my aunt out a lot with a toddler and the amount of traveling she has to do. I won't particularly have a car, but we could rent a car together or even get a car if needed.

So to make sure i am legal and all before NYC, i have hired a driving teacher. Oh yeah, on Thursday i am going to be in one those cars with a "student driver" label on it. I'm not a bad driver (though i did almost clip a car yesterday), i just have some trouble errors necessary for passing the test. Lets hope by the end of the week i have my license. It's been a source of worry, anxiety, and fear for the last couple of days. Damn DMV.

Healing

We are holding up pretty well here in the Hughes house (and by we i mean my mom and I).

There is still this need to stay in the comfort of our own house and process Danny's death.

My mom is finding comfort in religion.

My brother is finding comfort in cigarettes.

And because neither of the two are my particular vices, I've found comfort in writing.

Some how i've reclaimed my writing mojo, and have been typing out stories since his death. I don't want to say this is any divine intervention, but he's inspired me to write and keep writing until i cannot stare at the computer any longer.

So far it seems like a tragic case of SIDS, which i've researched a lot in the last couple of days. We won't know until next Friday, but it will put a peaceful closure to this tragedy knowing that he was in no pain. We sort of feared that.

I finally cried the other day, out of the blue. I was alone in my room, and a sudden sadness came over me. It was followed by a feeling of safety, and that every thing will be okay...eventually. I admit after i had let it out, i felt sort of okay again.

We are just processing the whole thing in our own little ways, and finding our way back from grief. What a weird thing that is.

I graduate in less than a month (August 9th). Crazy insanity. I got my tassel in the mail today, and have to mail out invitations on Monday. Then a week later (after graduation) i am headed to NYC, to begin...life, i guess. I'm scared shitless. I feel unprepared, like the kid who skipped a bunch of grades and is way out of place among the high school girls with boobs and cars.

When i tell people of my plans they have a way of eyeing me up and down and saying something like "aren't you scared". This is usually followed by the worst case scenarios of moving to a big city. Though i laughed it off, and said "i can handle it", i was really screaming inside wondering if i could actually handle it.

I guess i won't know if i don't try.

Thank you guys for the kind words. It has helped a lot. Back to my regular sporadic and nonsensical postings soon.

Now time for some Gavin Degraw and pillow hugging.

The word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out.

I don't really know how to begin this post. I don't even really want to begin it. But because tragedy is as much a part of life as happiness, i shall include it here too.

I had an amazing last day at work. As soon as i walked in it became clear that this was my last day there. Debbie Downer and Amanda were acting a little weird. For the first hour or so, there was light conversation but nothing else. It was as if saying nothing to me was better than saying goodbye.

After a few awkward silences we fell back into our regular talk fest. It was pretty good. Debbie Downer was trying to find some way to keep me there, with talks of a raise and a new position. But some how a less than minimum wage job, and title of student supervisor could not lure me in. I talked to Rock & Roll for a while about totally geeky stuff, and then spent the rest of the day going over life stories with Debbie and Amanda. At 2 o'clock i said goodbye to Debbie Downer. There was a long hug, followed by "keep in touch" "i promise". We did form some weird friendship during the month of June, and though i have talked crap about her i do plan on keeping touch.

I had planned to sneak out of work soon after DD left, so i could play Rock Band with The Boys. They took their lunch break at 1:30, so i could meet them at Britton's apartment as soon as DD left. I said a quick goodbye to Amanda vowing i would come back before she went home, and headed to Brittons apartment. As soon as i got there, i was put on the microphone again and belted out a lovely rendition of "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Not only was i crowned best vocals of the day, but i played the drums on our farwell song "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Our usual 2 hour break, lasted for 3 1/2 hours, and by the time i got back Amanda was gone for the day. Though i was pissed that i missed my chance to say goodbye to her, i hugged all of My Boys goodbye and headed back to my apartment to pack and study.

My history exam went GREAT, and Stef-an walked me back to my place saying that he would miss me at work and that we would have to keep in touch to talk about fashion and stuff. My mom had come way early in the morning, so by the time i came back from the exam my room was cleaned. We headed home, and talked about how much fun we'd have on July 4th.

We have been planning July 4th ever since memorial day. We picked out what we would make (what i would bake) and the movies we would rent. Though we aren't fans of a huge crowd, we even planned to go see the fireworks. My mom loves fireworks, and July 4th is her favorite holiday. I think it's always been her favorite holiday because of the grilling and bright lights. When we were younger she would take us to White Plains High School were they did a firework show.

The beginning of our fourth was really good. Some mishaps with the grill could not deter our ambition for a great day. I baked strawberry short cake, which went well with everything else my mom made. We ate around 3, and then set off to take a nap so we could be energized for the firework show.

When my grandma died three years ago, i found out about it from my brother. I was pissed because he was waking me up early in the morning. I was pretty annoyed when i heard him knock again, calling my name for added effect. When i opened the door i said "what do you want"' in a tone that was not so nice. Because of this he sort of threw "grandma's dead" in my face so quickly that the words smacked me.

I wonder why i seem to be asleep when people pass away. You'd think it would be easier, you know. But it isn't because you are groggy, disoriented, and still (for me anyway) unable to tell if you are dreaming or awake. At about 5 o'clock my mom comes walking up the stairs real slow and heavy. The sound wakes me up and I am annoyed once again that my sleep is being disrupted. She comes in my room, stands by the beams of bed and says something that i can't remember.

I can sense it is something bad and i assume it's about my brother because he is the bearer of bad news. He's been dating a new girl, and by the look on my mom's face i'm preparing to hear that he got someone else pregnant. When we first heard that he and his ex-girlfriend were having a baby about 2 years ago, we were all kind of disappointed. But that quickly turned to excitement because who doesn't like cute babies.

My mom was the most excited. She didn't even try to hide it. She feels like she made so many mistakes with my brother that having a grandchild could correct some of those wrong. When we found out it was going to be a boy, it was like the best news ever. I was shooting for a name like Benjamin, but Elijah Daniel sufficed.

Ever since he was born my mom has been Super Grandma. I think in some way, this was her second chance with my brother via his kid.

Soon after Danny was born, my brother's ex-girlfriend moved back to Michigan. She brought Danny done for a visit last summer, and my mom was just the happiest person in the world. She had reservations at first because my brother is young and still a child, but she knew she would be a good grandma. And she was.

He was a super good kid. He didn't cry once the whole time he was with us. He sort of smiled a lot, and let my mom dress him up and all kind of ridiculous clothing. He had this wide eyed thing that runs in the family. Sort of like "what the hell is this...it's flipping amazing". He was only her for a short visit, but all of us enjoyed it. We saw so much potential in him, even at such a young age.

Hmmm...now the hard part.

So yesterday, when my mom came into my room, wanting to tell me the bad news...i assumed it was something frivolous. Not that Her grandchild, my nephew, and my brother's kid had died about an our ago. In an instant we went from being this complete and happy family, to completely confused and devastated.


i don't know the full story, just that Danny had asthma and wasn't feeling well. The doctor had given some him some medication that made him groggy and tired. And he just never woke up. My mom has been crying the last two days, my brother has been in and out of the house. I'm just kind of left in limbo.

When a kid dies (of in his case a baby dies) you don't so much mourn the life he has lived, but the life he will never live. At this point i'm just trying to comfort my mom, who is taking the death the hardest of all. I don't really know what to say to her, so i don't say much.

There is a stillness in the air that comes with death. Everything is sort of on pause, while the world outside these walls is moving. I feel like if you'd walk in this house you feel a weight that would suffocate and overwhelm you.


I'm managing okay.A few secret tears in my room. It's my mom i'm really worried about. I feel if you touched her ,even lightly, she would crack into a million pieces, so i'm just trying to prevent that from happening. I don't know if i'm doing such a good job of it, or even if i've allowed myself to process the death. I feel like i can't crack or cry because then everything would crumble. So forgive me if i decide to do it here from time to time. Seems like the only place i have these days.

~Beckett.

Holy Smokes!!

Today i played rock band during my two hour lunch break.

As a going away present, Britton and Michael invited me to lunch. Midway through some pretty disgusting sandwiches, we decided to head around the corner to his apartment and rock out with a drum, bass, guitar, and a microphone.

Though i have never played the game before, my skills on the guitar got some respect from the two guys, and Britton's super hott roommate.

Eventually during our rotation of the instruments, i was forced to sing a Courtney Love song. Oh, i was totally embarrassed and reluctant at first, but after the first note i was a complete rockstar.

We didn't do terribly well on that song, which was of course blamed on my lack of Courtney Love antics.

"You know if you would have screamed, stomped and passed out towards the end, we would have scored better".

I promised that next time i would make sure to smash something and mumble incoherently into the microphone.

By far the best day ever. I didn't realize how much i would miss them until I had a fake guitar strapped over my shoulder and had Britton yell "tilt the guitar!!!" over and over again until something lit up on the screen.

Tomorrow i've been assigned a Metallica song, i think i'm actually up for the challenge.