In Retrospect

I'm 23. It's New Years Eve and I am watching the Jersey Shore on MTV. There is something not right about my life.

As we are about to enter 2010, I cannot help but think about the last ten years. On this day, I was 13 years old and in the eight grade. I was friends with Marie, Melissa, and a boy named Aric. Most likely, on this night ten years ago, I was sitting in bed preparing to watch the ball drop on television.

It was 1999. Everyone was still sort of into the Backstreet Boys, the Matrix was HUGE, and damn it all to hell I loved me some Jason Behr. It was also the year where everyone in my school thought the world was going to end. Because of Y2K and all. I remember the week before the new century, my friends and I were hanging out at school and everyone was saying goodbye to one another, but with that hint of 'seriously, this may be the last time I see you'. We had no idea what was in store for us, and sometimes I still don't think we do.

At 13, I thought I was going to be a doctor. Graduate from Michigan University, and be living with Jason Behr in our soho loft. I can't say that I though I would be here. Where I am now. I am not sure yet if that is a bad thing or good thing.

Currentty I am 23. I want to be a television producer. Everyone is sort of into Lady Gaga (who I do not, will not understand). Star Trek was HUGE, along with The Hangover. And I am all into some Sufjan Stevens. I am still friends with Marie, though I didn't stay friends with anyone else from middle school or high school. The world has not ended, I have graduated college, and ventured into the real world...all seems different and yet exactly the same.

Goodbye 2009!

I had tentative plans for tonight. The guy at work I call Toaster, invited me over to his place for a movie and drinks with his girlfriend and other friends. An hour ago, I got a call from another friend inviting me to a hotel party thrown by someone at work who didn't invite me. The latter invite sort of pisses me off seeing that I considered the party thrower a friend and am kind of confused as to why he neglected to tell me about said party the last time he saw me.

I declined both invitations. Both because I am still sorting out this being around a lot of people thing, and because I wanted my own little thing to be going on. Even if it was with a small group of friends. If Angie were still here, we would have done something small. A few friends, a lame movie, and vodka lemonade. That would have been fun.

If Marie were here, we would have ventured outside. Embraced the crowd before retreating, drank some drinks, danced some dances, and laughed. I think. I hope. I don't particulary mind being by myself on new years eve. In all honesty I have never had a 'proper one'. This doesn't mean that i am content with spendng every new years eve like tonight. I would like to be involved in some activity that doesn't include a solitary one, but that's the least of my worries as I welcome 2010 in with the biggest slice of pizza in the world and now Family Guy.

A lot has happened in ten years. Some things I'd rather forget. Others I still hold onto with all of my might. I am not going to make any resolutions this year (or the next, or the next or the next) because they seem a little contrite the older I get. It's a new year and all, but I'm the same person and I am hoping that that person propells me into an amazing life, with amazing friends, and a job where I don't have to help people find books they won't read anyway.

Happy New Year.

The Real World.

Last year, the bookstore cut a bunch of hours after the holidays. It's because one of my managers hires a bunch of people in preparation for the holidays and then as soon as Dec 26th comes along she has no idea what to do with said people.

She could fire those hired for the holidays. But she doesn't. She could space out hours fairly. But she doesn't. Instead she slashes hours like a mad women, and because of this I am clocking in, count them, 3 days next week. What the fudge. I am okay on money, but this is way frustrating especially when people who have been working there shorter than I have are clocking in five days! Five. I feel like such a wage whore, but seriously this is crap.

I am a little stressed out about the month of January. The holidays are over, my hours are going to dwindle away but I still have rent to pay and loans that need tending. I guess this means I am some sort of an adult now, whatever that means, but I am frustrated and confused and I want to quit.

So bad.

Marie keeps on me about this whole 'real world' thing that we are now apart of post school. Like a good friend she reminds me to keep writing, along with searching for jobs so I can get out of the bookstore. And in all honesty I need her to be the person who beats me up in order to get me off of my ass. But at the same time, if we are in the 'real world' now what the hell constituted the last 23 years of my life. A pseudo real world, a kind of real world, a world that I was sort of apart of but not really.

I don't know. But I am getting tired of my current situation. I feel weighed down by it. When I was a kid, my brother and I use to play at park in New Rochelle called 5 islands. The name is a given; the park was located along the Hudson River and was surrounded by 5 distinct islands. We'd go there during the summer and pretend to have these grand old adventures in the woods. One afternoon, along with his best friend John Moore who looked liked a gerbil, we decided to cross visit one of the islands.

Of course the islands were separated by water, but on days when the tide were low, you could literally walk to the islands on these barriers of rocks. It was tricky, and sometimes you would risk falling into the river but we had good balance and the path of rocks were pretty wide. On that particularly day getting to one of the islands was pretty easy, it took us about 30 minutes but when we reached the other end we felt like we had conquered some huge feat.

Once we got back on land, I decided we should try to bridge another path. Around a bend there was this huge stretch of land that no one ever played on. It look like an empty dirt lot, except with no trees or visible signs of life. My brother thought it would be awesome, John (who had a tendency of being the scared one) said he would stay behind and watch, and I was already running towards the amazing new field I thought I had discovered.


What I was unaware of at the time, is that that huge dirt field was actually wet sand, and as soon as I got 2 feet into the space I began sinking. I mean, knee deep in the stuff. At first I was like 'cool, quick sand' but then I realized the more I tried to wiggle myself out, the deeper I sank. John started screaming from afar "the sand is eating her!", my brother froze in fear, and I began to panic. The harder I tried to free myself, the more I irritated the sand. I had gone from being knee deep to thigh deep in the sand and was afraid of suffocation. It was the immobilizing moment of my whole entire life. Of wanting to free yourself from a trap, only to realize that's part of the trap.

Like Hercules himself, in one of the more heroic moments of my brothers life, he stretched his body as far as he could (without stepping in the sand) and pulled me out. It took him a good ten minutes, John then started yelling "the sand is eating both of you now!" but before long I was on solid ground and dirty as hell. When we got home my mom asked why we were so dirty, we made up some lie and blamed out dirty clothes on John (for being a wuzzy) and agreed to stay away from that part of the park after that.

I can't help but feel like I did then, right before my brother pulled me out of the sand with strength I didn't know he possessed. The moment where I was knee deep in something that threatened to consume me. It didn't seem real, I didn't seem real, the sand sure as hell didn't resemble any aspect of reality I had come across, and yet there I was being swallowed into the earth,trying to fight my way out to no avail. And it feels like that now in some way, like the harder I try to get out of it, the harder I try to lift one foot above the other, the further I sank and stopped resisting.

2010 is around the corner and I have no immediate plans for welcoming in the new year (Curb marathon, pizza, sparkling apple cider). A friend from work wants to go drinking at a pub located downtown, another wants to watch Doctor Who all day at his place. I have not decided yet. Dr Who would be interesting, but the pub serves hamburgers for 5 dollars plus a free beer. Not that I have ever gotten the beer just to eat the hamburger. Never.

I hate to be one of those people saying goodbye to the craptastic year that was 2009, in favor for the awesome that may be 2010 but seriously I hope that things will look up next year. I need it.

Retail Hell!

I have a Sunday off? Is this really happening? I am really in bed, typing away on my laptop, listening to an amazing (amazing. seriously.) mixcd surrounded by books I have yet to read from the library. Yes. I. Am and if my suckass job calls I'm not answering, because I'm not on the schedule and no I don't want to take another shift. You can't make me.

This Christmas was hell in retail world. I have almost lost my shit 3 times towards ungrateful customers. Yesterday a guy accosted me because I didn't know what book he was asking for. He didn't know either and the only 'clues' he gave me were: It was written by a reporter, it was (but is not currently) on the new york times bestseller list. When I asked him to give me a little more information he informed me that he could find someone else to help him because I wouldn't know this book if it hit me in the face anyway. So he turned to someone next to me (Virginia, who is much older) and asked her to find the book on the same clues. Like a scene from a slacker isque movie, she shook her head and said "no haven't heard of that book. Sorry" and walked away. I love her.

A week ago I went on another interview with the Nonion. I honestly don't know how I got this to happen. I quit the other internship in hopes that the Nonion internship would open again and that I could apply. I was not expecting it to open the day I wrote my dear John letter, and 5 days later I was sitting in the Soho Loft of the Nonion, gripping my resume and trying to stay focused.

Unlike the last interview, I KILLED this one. It was so good. The Guy, was late by 15 minutes and then just as I was about to sit down he got an urgent call from one of his interns. He apologized profusely for being late and then having to deal with this current thing and then ran in the other direction. Ten minutes later he came back, and promised that he wouldn't run off again, and after that I had the one of the best interviews of my whole entire life. Seriously

This time I prepared for the interview. I even half-heartily came up with an answer to the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question. I was interviewed by the same guy, but if he remembered me he didn't show t. It was as if I had a Do Over. Those usually don't exist in the real world, but I had a sense that he had no idea who i was and this made me feel GREAT because he doesn't need to remember the incompetent girl he interviewed 3 months ago.

As I was preparing for the interview the night before I put into perspective the things I have liked and disliked about this year. I hate retail, I liked my internship with Lenny (despite not learning anything) and I didn't dislike my publishing internship but I don't want to go into publishing. At All. I need a balance of creativity and structure. When I was a kid my brother and I use to come up with various story ideas. This was when my brother utilized his ability to draw and I utilized my ability to write. They were Tiny Toon isque stories (outside of the super hero one we created called SUPER BIRD) but we were in depth. We would set up a studio in the living room, draft character profiles, and write some off the wall story lines. It was great.

I mean my mom still talks about those days. Morgan and I still talk about those days, and even now as 'adults' we do smaller less intensive story development sessions. I thought I wanted to be a doctor growing up but only because I like helping people. I thought I wanted to go into publishing, but only because I like reading and writing. But the more I get involved with production, the more I want to be apart of that world because I am good at creating stuff. I am good at organizing a small group of people, coming up with ideas and then seeing that idea to completion.

That's what producers do. I love producing, holy mother of saint stephens, that's what I want to be when I grow up: A supervising producer for a major television network for or on specific shows that I have either developed or am lending some creative input to. As a writer the supervising producer would work with other writers on the pre-production aspect of television development. I would be like Tina Fey in 30 Rock! That's what I want to do, that's what I want to be. Oh Yeah.

And this is what I told the guy at the Nonion (well not the Tina Fey thing). And he believed me. And I believed me, because it wasn't a lie. It is the truth, a truth that took me 23 years to discover. So after we finished our interview he said he wanted me to meet someone else! Her name is Liz (like from 30 Rock. Sorry but Ilove that show) and she works in research and development at the Nonion. 10 minutes later I was sitting down with her discussing my future aspirations. So I went on TWO interviews in one day. I feel really good about this. I may have an internship with the Nonion, getting me one step closer to the career I never knew I wanted but glad I stumbled across.

Writing is who I am. But I need a job, and a career to make it as a writer. I mean I worried that being surrounded by writing would deter me from doing so (publishing world) but being able to be creative in another way will be amazing. I should hear back from the Nonion after the Holidays. Fingers are still crossed

Now that I know what I want to do, and who I want to be working at the bookstore is more painful then usual. I have been there a year and a half. I have made friends and great contacts, but damn it all to hell, retail is miserable. The pay sucks, the hours are either too long to too short, and the customers are dreadful....dreadful. Though I continue to smile and be polite, I am over customers treating me like a third grader. I want to curse out all of them and throw it in there face that I am not the imbecile but I can't, so I don't and then I go home and sulk about it for days.

Not today though. I have it all to myself. I might clean my room, or read one of the many library books I have. I will definitely be listening to my amazing mixcd (seriously. how?), and chilling out in my room. I can't wait for this year to be over. Can't wait. I have a list of things to do to make it here and become the producer I never knew I wanted to be but that I am glad I've decided to become.

And guy who was mean to me yesterday. You suck!
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That Was The Worst Chritsmas Ever!

I had to work today. Yuck.

I hate retail because it's during the holidays when you really realize how un-adult your job really is. Especially when people ask if your store is open Christmas Day, as if we (booksellers) have nothing better to do with ourselves then sell books to people.

I was at the cash register all day (we were open from 11-6) and though time sort of flew by I was ready to come home and crash. I didn't get out of the store until 8, which means I clocked in an eight hour day. I hope I get a really good pay check next week.

You would think that being on my 'own' for the first time would make this a depressing and lonely Christmas. But after living with a relative who ignored me for the past 6 months, having the day to myself opening presents, watching tv and eating food ( I bought Parmesan chicken from a restaurant) is going to be awesome. I am looking forward to tomorrow.

After Thanksgiving, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I mean outside of the gifts I like the feeling you get around this time of the year. So yeah,baby Jesus may have been born on Christmas day AGES ago but it doesn't mean I can't celebrate the year that I have had.

New York has a way of making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world sometimes. Outside of the shit retail job, the disappointment from family (my aunt. my aunt. my aunt), and the never ending headache that is student loans.... I have accomplished so much in my time here. And when I walk down the streets, blanketed with snow surrounded by friends who like me and family that continue to support me, I feel all sorts of lucky...dare I say even blessed.

This will be my first Christmas alone, and if all works out my last. But this year has been great, weird and interesting but for some reason i am grateful for it. I have things to look forward to next year: I went on an awesome second interview with the Nonion two days ago, I have decided what I want to be when I grow up (a supervising producer for television. More on that later) I have a roof over my head, I am applying to grad school (again), and yeah, strides, I am making them. I feel good about the future. I feel, for once, confidant about it.

Christmas is less than 2 hours away, and I am excited. My friend and his girlfriend invited me over for Christmas tomorrow, and the landlady said I could come eat dinner with her and her family.With these invitations over my head, I have that warm christmasy feeling I have not felt in a long time. Retail has a way of destroying that but regardless of the current suckassness of my job, I feel good. I know that things are going to get better, I can feel it.

Anyway. I got a very awesome present in the mail today. I didn't know if I would get it in time for Christmas but I did. I can't wait to listen to it, and then write all about my epic MixCd! But until then....

Merry Christmas.

Becks

Is Christmas Over Yet?

Seriously.

Though I have a budget for myself this Christmas year, I still feel like I have spent a lot of money on...nothing. My first paycheck since Thanksgiving lasted all but a day (thanks to McAbs bailing on me because he couldn't get me the microwave he promised, forcing me to shelve out 50 dollars) and since then I have bought presents for my mom and Marie. Not a lot of presents. I kind of forgot Marie's birthday so to make it up to her I made her a 'romance box'. I mailed her 3 romance books, a box of caramel, almond joy (inside joke based on a specific romance novel she read), pj's and slippers. I then got the usual for my mom; movie, cd, cookbook, and other odds and ends.

I wish I could have spent more. But December is coming to a close, rent approaches, and I am trying to hold on to all of my money. Christmas isn't helping.

It's not that I hate the holidays, but damn it all to hell, for one day out of the year people get all crazy for secret deals and a day of opening presents. Were it not for the spending money part, this Christmas would be okay. But I won't be home for the holidays, I am as broke as broke can get, and I am anxious about the next few months.

Life.

After sending a Dear John letter to my internship, I felt a sense of "what the fuck am I doing". Yes, that internship was not right for me but in all honesty, at this rate, no internship may be right....especially if I am not getting paid for my awesome skills. I re-applied to the Nonion yesterday because they are looking for interns for the Winter/Spring 'semester'. This could be a long shot or at least a nice second chance.

I get paid today (yeah!) and this time my spending will be under control. All i need is food and water and maybe a luxury item or two (those caramels I bought Marie looked delicious). I can't wait for Christmas to be over.

Breaking Up

So I got that internship I applied to last week and today was my first day. As I suspected I am WAY over qualified to be a non working 'employee'. The guy, who shall be called Moby because of his bald head, is uber nice and listens to cool music, and he made my first day pretty productive. I didn't get lost this time around and spent the next six hours editing middle school like reviews of plays, and updating casting information. I didn't ask for much help because I was familiar with the aspects of format and APA style and he saw no reason to check up on me because I seemed to have a hold of things.

I mailed some newspapers out, marked up more reviews with a red pen, and listened to an awesome web radio show. But I had that feeling in my stomach that I use to get at the beginning of a semester when I would realize that the class i signed up for wasn't what I wanted and that I had a clear window of opportunity to bail out and drop the course before I got a big fat "W" on my transcript. I have dropped many a class on this gut feeling, whether it's because the professor is a complete crazy person, the class is not what I expected or I know that I will fail it.

I had that feeling today. I didn't particularly hate being there, but I had a sense that wasn't the place for me. And not because Moby is a crazy ( he's actually very nice), or that the newspaper itself is a mess(it's a small print but they are surviving), it's just that after a year of being an intern I am too qualified to be their intern and they are not hiring any time soon.

I have to be very conscious of my money now (rent.rent.rent.food.rent) and unless the internship is in production (circa another chance to be an intern for the Nonion) or is a paid job, than I just can't afford to work for free anymore. It's not a possibility. I calculated that I would be spending a total of 39.50/week on this internship, excluding food. That's a $158.00 a month just on transportation. There is no compensation for travel and my days off would be obsolete.

I have made a mistake in taking this internship. I am confidant about this. If this was a year ago, and I had not had my internship with Lenny or with The Crazy Lady this opportunity would be perfect. But as I was sitting there in the small cramped office, I realized that I am no longer the girl I was a year ago and that this internship can not offer what it did then. And because of this, I have to break up with it before I am in to deep.

I hate making decisions, and I have never felt so bad about about finally making one. But I can't waste his time, my money, and someone else's opportunity. Right?

Fucking Eh, my stomach hurts. I am suppose to show up on Thursday at 11am but I feel, I mean know, that I have to do this now. Or I will stay only because of guilt. Ugh, I hate being an adult. I hate it.

Anyway

MixCD Extravaganza is now closed! I will send out my address tomorrow (via email) to those participating. I have had fun making the Cd's and composing tracklists. There is an art to it that I am still trying to get the hang of. Some have been easier to make than others, but I am on my final run of things and these puppies will be sent out this Friday! Excitement bound.

Time to break up with my internship. I wish someone else could do this for me, while I play the Sims. I'm just saying.

Mixing It Up

So yeah this post is Way over due.

Three weeks ago my friend at work made me a Mix CD. This was only after we stumbled across a book at the store called Cassette From My Ex, and fell in love with the tracklists accompanied by stories. I admitted to her as we were flipping through the pages that I never received a Mixtape and within seconds she decided she would make one for me and that I could make one for her.

A date was set, and a week later I got my very first mixcd. I was without my laptop then, damn

battery dying, so I had to listen to her cd on my DVD player. As soon as the first song started I understood the magic of Mixtapes (or Cd's). She had created something personal and reflective through music and since then I am trying to make up for lost time.

I am a deeply private person. I am secretive and elusive and for the past 4 years (can you believe it) I have tried to keep my online journal and personal life two completely different things. It's not to say that who I am on this blog isn't how I am in the "real world". In the "real world" I am nerdy, shy, silly, serious, stable and a million and one different other things. People (my family, my small group of friends) depend on me in a way to be these things. They don't know about my anxiety or bouts of the big D. I don't talk about those type of things with them.

In this journal I am allowed to express myself in a way I don't regulary get to in the "real world". I am allowed to not be those things listed above. I get to write what I feel without hearing the sound advice of my family and friends trying to put it in perspective. Here, I have control over my thoughts and feelings. Writing has always been an escape for me, this journal is an escape and in order to maintain it as my hidden place I admit to being a tad bit distant about letting those of you who read this thing into the "real world" Beckett.

So after getting my first Mix CD, I thought 'hey, what a way to connect to people I have known for the last couple of years". Hence Mix CD Extravaganza 2009! Oh yeah.

The rules are simple:

1. Depending on who wants to participate I will compose a mix cd for you, with about 12-15 songs of my choosing. The songs will be based on who you are and what I know of you. Each tracklist will different (so the songs I send to person A may not be the same as the songs I send to person B). The tracklist will be compose of songs I think a) you will like or b) that I like SOOOO much I hope they give you a better sense of who I am.

2. In order for this to be an exchange those participating have to make a mixtape for me. It would work in the same way. Put songs on there that mean something to you or that you think would mean something to me. I listen to (almost) everything but I'm really just interested in what you choose.

3. The mixtape has to have title (apparently it's that law) accompanied by the tracklist. I think the naming process has something to do with rule (or rather suggestion ) number 5. I am horrible with giving things titles and if you are like me this naming thing will seem....stupid. But Jon suggested pulling three random words (or phrases)from the songs on your tracklist giving it a unique title. It's brillant, I'd do that if I were you.

4. What I believe to be the most important part: LISTEN to the mixcd before viewing the tracklist. I think this is important because we all have biases. I mean if I were to see a Jonas Brothers song on the tracklist you could be damn well I would scuff and skip that song and in the process potentially miss out on a song that has meaning to you or that might not suck as bad as I thought it would. Like, I am not a huge fan of RPatz but he has a pretty voice. I would not have none this had my friend not put his song on my mix cd.

So listen to the CD first and then after the last song has played go and check out the playlist. You may be surprised

5. Theme it up! Well if you want. Mixtapes usually have some sort of theme to them. A mix for rainy days, snowy days, calm afternoons, Party in the USA days, I like you but I don't know how to tell you, I dislike you but I don't know how to tell you. My friend at work believes the THEME is the most important part. I don't really do well with themes (plus my theme is technically the person I am making the mix for). I will let you decide if you want to make a themed mix cd or not. No pressure here.

6. Cd's should be sent out the week of Christmas (which I believe is the 21st) at least. Shit that's two weeks ago. Okay because I was late in posting this, if you can't send them out before Christmas, at least before 2009 is up. So we have at least 2 weeks to complete and send these lovelies out.

7. The tricky part. If you want to participate (and I know who you are) send me your email address. I tried to set up a gmail account via Blogger but that didn't work. So for those who don't have my aol address I set up another a gmail account. It's everythingwas301@gmail.com.

It's important that those of you participating are people I am familar with (mainly those of you have commented more than once and whose comments weren't: You sure are pretty. Yes Audrey Tautou is!). I am providing a PO Box and all, and it would be easier making a mix CD for someone who has been reading this journal for a while. I want the mixes to be personal and plus I am wary of stalkers. So yeah, I don't mean for this to be exclusive but we are dealing with addresses here.

I have thought about creating a playlist just for the blog so that no one feels outside of the MIXTAPE EXTRAVAGANZA. But I would have to figure out how I would create a post for that.

8. This should be fun! I set out to do this because I have been documenting my everyday experiences for a while. Because of the nature of my 'blog' i have strayed away from making all aspects of my life available here. And in all honesty I probably never will. I have lost some friends (readers) because of this, and I have in the past felt guilty for not extending the 'real world' Beckett to those who have access to Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts. And even though this is the realest form you will ever get of me, I thought this MIX CD EXTRAVAGANZA could be a way for me to say "hey I do exist out there somewhere, wanna hear some cool sounds to remind you of that". It's me extending my blog hand and inviting you into life outside of this blog for a moment or at least 59.4 minutes according to someone's playlist.

If you want to join let me know. I would kind of have to have a complete list of people I need to make a MixCD for by....Monday. I get overwhelmed easily, some mixes will be easier to compose than others.

So Happy Mixing. I can't wait to hear what you have in store for me.

It's raining and it's Snowing!

I just woke up to rain, snow and heavy winds. Winter has arrived people.

I live in a old colonial house. The floors are hardwood, there is a old heater in my room and everything creaks. Everything. I actually like this because I am a hug fan of antiques. I would rather spend money on used books and antique furniture then buy literature from the store that I work at or even order things from Ikea. I like things with a little wear and tear. It soothes me in a way.

The moment I walked into this room and heard the sound of the floor creak beneath my feet I was in love. LOVE. The first night there was a thunderstorm and the wind was blowing hard. The Landlord but up some lace curtains before I moved in. And that whole night all I could hear and see was the sound of the windd smacking against the window causing the lace to rise and fall like a skirt.

I can't believe I have only been back for a week and a couple of days. My room is still just a room (I have no funds to do otherwise) and I am getting use to the silence. Though the week home was amazing, it has left me in a financial crunch. I am counting down the days until friday when I finally get paid and I won't feel as broke. I have gotten creative with spending money in the last week, it is now a "lets see how little I can spend at Target" game. Target is winning and coupons might become my new friend.

I realize that if I wish to stay in new york I will have to get a better job. It's weird. Yesterday I went on an interview for another internship. I applied to this gig a year ago but did not get the position. While I was home I saw a craiglists ad for the same internship. Trying to be protective I thought "hey why not apply again. It can't hurt". But I was surprised when he actually called me a couple of days ago and wanted me to come in for another interview.

I debated this for a while. I mean yeah I applied but do I really want another editorial gig Do I really want to potential work for a guy who didn't see me as the person for the job the first time. But yesterday I made my way into the city (and got lost for 20 minutes ) and had a successful interview with this guy. I admit it, I fudged up horribly during the Nonion interview. I was trying to be too affable and that crashed and burned. Though I am easy going, I understand now that I should probably save my personality for after I'm hired because they don't want funny on the spot. They want to know if I am capable.

And yesterday as I was more than capable. I was damn right overqualified. After I filled out an application we went to a corner and discussed the basics again. He wanted to know what I have been doing since the last time he saw me. This is where I inserted all of my internship experience. He seemed impress that soon after he REJECTED me (biter much) that I got an internship with a director he is familiar with. He sat back in his seat and raised his eyebrow when I mentioned the French guys name. "I know him he did the 9/11 documentaries" "yep that's him" "So you. Like. Actually worked with him". "Yeah"

Then I started talking about the 'production world' and what movies I worked on and he wanted to know the names so I gave them to him. And then I talked about my publishing internship which also raised eyebrows because he is trying to become published. He wanted to know about all of that crap and I was knowledgeable. It was as if I had the Crazy Lady and the French guy sitting next to me, each nodding in approval that i had taken something away from their internships.

It was then as I was going on about what I did at those places that I felt too qualified to be an intern there. I mean I am getting to the point where I may be too qualified for a lot of these internships. I should be able to look for a job now. I mean a paying one and I don't understand why I do not have a job yet. Just one real one so that i don't have to keep playing "where am I not going to eat today" game. It sucks being broke.

He said he would get back to me in a few days. I am sort of ambivalent about getting it or not getting it. I want a strong resume, and in a sense I am beginning to feel like I have one. There was this radio internship I was going to apply to. It's something I have never done before but I could learn about broadcasting. We'll see.

I am tired, hungry, and the only items to my name are some prayer flags and my laptop. I am beginning to feel like that broke starving artist. Please Friday, can you come an get here already.

Beginning. Middle. Or End?

In one week I have managed to: arrive in New York from Thanksgiving break, pack for my Big Move, Move-in to new house, work 34 hours at the bookstore, get an interview for ANOTHER internship, forget and then remember Marie's Birthday Day, and sleep. How I love to sleep.

I don't know how I made it. Even though it is Sunday I feel like I have come to the end of a very long week. There are no breaks in sight (except for Thursday which I will take advantage of) but this is my life.

I am enjoying my room more and more each day. I desperately need to personalize it. My friend at work is framing some Kurt Halsey prints for me, and because the room comes with built in shelves ,I am looking for a floor rug to buy instead of a bookshelf.

Right now the big item on my list of things to get is a microwave. Though I have full reign of the house I would prefer to have a microwave in my room. This will stop me from running downstairs every 5 minutes to warm up my hot chocolate. Apparently microwaves cost a billion dollars, and after paying rent (how adult of me) and not getting paid this week because I didn't work last week...I do not have the money for a microwave until Friday. I have been eating peanut butter and jelly for the last 3 days because everything else involves the use of a microwave.

Luckily McAbs (who I haven't spoken to in a while) said he would get me a microwave of my own Tuesday. Things have been weird between us since I put him on a pedestal. I have tried to distance myself from him as to not fuck things up between us. But I like McAbs. And not just because he has a cute face and nice arms, which are aspects of him that are nice to look at. But he's a fun guy to talk to, we joke around and I do want to be friends with him.

So today I saw him walking down the aisle and I called his name and like that we were back to our usual joking back and forth thing. I am always hungry and I mentioned that I was eating 'peanut butter and jelly' because I didn't have a microwave to use in my room. He then said "you need a a microwave" "Yes" "I'll get you a microwave" "Really?" "If you need one. Yeah".

So yeah, I may not be madly deeply in like with him anymore but damn it I'M GETTING A MICROWAVE. I love this kid (in a platonic non sexual way!). He is either bringing it to my place or I will go an pick it up from work after my interview on Tuesday.

I just got back to New York and things seem to be....going into motion. At the moment I don't know if I am coming or going, at the beginning or at the end, but it feels productive. I feel productive.

It's Oh So Quiet....

So i moved into my room yesterday.

I haven't really talked to my aunt since I got back from break. And she hasn't made much of an effort either and because of that I didn' t feel the need to tell her when or where I was moving. I left Michelle a note, or rather a picture that she will probably never know is there though.

The last couple of months have been terrible at her place. Who would have thought that silence from another human being would be so...frustrating. But it was. I would walk into the house, and she would leave the room as if I had just ruined her day. Christopher got in the habit of doing the same thing and by the end of this whole ordeal I felt ostracized.

This doesn't mean that moving into this new place isn't weird. I hauled all of my stuff into a cab early yesterday morning and made my way down the street. My landlady/housemate helped me move my bags upstairs and then she left me in my room to get acquainted with the space.

It's bigger then I remember. Her son painted the walls a nice warm color and I have two big windows to stare out. Right now, my stuff is everywhere. Soon after moving I had to go to work and I didn't get home until late because two people called out. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, because I have a thing about sleeping in unfamiliar places. I have to get adjusted to the new sounds but more importantly the silence.

It's weird living by yourself. I mean even though I am not technically in this big house alone, I sort of feel on my own. And it's weird and really quiet and I miss sounds i never knew I would miss (well except that smacking sound from my aunt and her booty call man. That sound I won't miss at all).

But I do love my room. I do love coming back to my own little space. It needs some personal touches but I do like it.

But it is super quiet.

Are You In?

I haven't forgotten. Mixtape countdown begins now. Details and Guidelines pending!

Where's Your Head At?

In the clouds.



I have a long week ahead of me. Moving. Working. Applying. Sleeping.



I am in a weird mood this week. As soon as I got back to New York I was filled with a sense of "man I don't want to be here anymore". It didn't help that an hour after I arrived in this fair state, I headed to work for a closing shift. Yeah. I'm a wage whore.

I don't regret my decision to move here after graduation, but damn it all to hell some days I would rather be anywhere else. It could be the vacation lag I am feeling. After several days of my big bed and dinner on the table every night. I may be going through a 'home withdrawal' that will have to wear itself out.


But I still feel like crap. And this feeling (the weird what the fudge am I doing, where can I hide) stems from nervs. I know this. I am excited about moving (tomorrow!), I am excited about diving into this production thing head first, I am looking forward to...everything I guess. But that doesn't stop me from being nervous. Doesn't stop me from fearing change despite how much I look forward to it.

Before I left South Carolina I ran into an old friend from high School. I wrote a detailed post about this encounter last night, but I haven't posted it yet. I may never. But she was someone that Marie and I hung out with in school because she hated high school as much as we did. She always reminded me of DARIA, very withdrawn, monotone voice, lack of affect. But there was something I liked in her. Something we both liked about her.

We met in the 9th grade because EVERY freshman had to take a Strategies for Success class. The class was designed to prepare us for high school and life through a series of lectures and field trips. 7 Habits for a Highly Successful Teen(?) was our textbook, and years later I still feel robbed by the course. I don't feel highly successful. And those chapters of self esteem, self worth, life goals...BS.

Jamie (that's her name) and I were in the same class. We didn't even talk to each other for the first half of the semester. But then our teacher made us take that personality test, and based on our results we were separated into groups for the rest of that class period. Jamie and I were the only two people in the class who were INFP's. And we bonded over this quickly.

She was a talented writer and artist and sarcastic as hell. When Marie and I were having problems in AP English, Jamie helped us make t-shirts with quotes on it about 'people (our classmates) being sheep (because they were)'. She hung out with us in the library during lunch, and was a willing participant in our disdain for high school.

Of course as soon as we crossed that graduation stage, Jamie moved out of the state, and I didn't really keep in touch with her until recently when she contacted me on facebook. Anyway, before I left SC I stopped at the gas station and ran into her. She was working there. And she was excited to see me. We hugged for minutes and when we pulled back we talked about our life adventures since high school. She's a mom now. She lives in small town USA. She finds her life weird now, but she's happy. And I said I was happy. And then we promised each other we'd stay in touch. And then she was gone. And I was gone.

And though I was happy to see her, I hated seeing her at the gas station. She was the most talented writer I knew in school. She was nerdy and dark and I use to think in ten years everyone would regret not knowing Jamie. And there she was. Only 5 years after graduating school, working at the gas station. And here I am 5 years after graduating school working in retail. There I go again, seeing myself in someone else. Despite how different the circumstances are.

But sometimes I don't know if what I am doing will...work. I am putting everything into my life write now. And I don't know if it will pay off or not. I don't know if New York was the best choice. I don't know. But then I realize that going back to small town USA isn't going to be any better.

My head is all over the place. I am tired and moody. And though I have a day off, I keep preparing myself for work. I keep looking at the clock and counting down the hours until I have to head in. But I don't. It's a little weird having a day off.

Tomorrow is moving day. I have my certified check (rent) ready, and my bags not yet packed. I did find pleasure in walking around Target this afternoon comparing the prices of bookshelves. The room is furnished, but I want to personalize it as much as I can (without many items) so that I enjoy coming back to my space. I brought my prayer flags from home, and I am looking for a nice bookshelf to purchase for all of my books. PLUS....New Kid Matt (crush slowly forming) introduced me to The Strand a couple of week ago and I am planning a trip soon to indulge in my book obsession. I'll need a bookshelf by the time I am done with that store. There goes the excitement I was looking for!

The Breakfast Club

Frogboots turned me on to the amazingness that is Nanowrimo. Basically November is National Writing Month, and to encourage writers from all over the WORLD to finish some significant work, you are challenged to use the month of November to write 50K words. 50K!

In the beginning I was doing so well. I work best under a regard system. It is literally how I managed in school. I would promise myself a special treat if I did well on a test or paper. If an exam went really well, I would regard myself with a cupcake or a cd. I am sort of competitive, especially with my peers. And I relish in getting a better grade than my designated classroom nemesis. I still do this now, except in the real world I simply reward myself for making it through incredibly tough days. Had a bad day at work, wanted to curse a customer out but didn't...that friend deserves a song purchase from iTunes or better yet a book that I will sit on the floor for months.

What I like about Nanowrimo is that they have tapped into the pleasure one gets from regards. Write 50K by the end of the month and you get a nice little certificate. A certificate! A piece of paper saying that you have completed a 50k word count. In the beginning I would work on my story for an hour (the Peru one) and upload what I managed to write on Nanowrimo. Three weeks ago I was at 9 pages with a +3,000 word count. Today I am at 9 pages with a +3000 word count. What the fudge.

It's not that I am not motivated. I am very motivated. But I lack guidance and because of this my writing falls apart. It seems, that everyone at the bookstore who isn't over the age of 35 or under the age of 20 wants to be a writer, have landed at the bookstore because of the inability to do so. I want to go into production work. I will one day be a writer, but in order for me to do so my job has to be a little different from my passion. I will not be a life long bookseller! But those at work who know that I write feel it necessary to ask me what i am writing. And I am bombarded by 'writers' who talk about writing without actually writing. I don't talk about writing at all, but I also haven't done much of it these days.

Surprisingly though, I am the girl at work to come to with any literary crisis. Don't know what to do with this plot block in your story...come to me and I'll help you work it out over some general questions and guidance. Because of my two internships at a publishing house and a production company I am all of a sudden an asset to the emerging filmmakers and writers at my job. If only a real job would realize this, i would be set. I have always had this vision of forming a small collective group of emerging writers, artists, and musicians who are talented, young, and hungry. But so far the people I have met are just young and hungry with no actual drive to even test there talent.

And I hope I am not participating in the latter of those three qualities. But I can't even manage a 50K word count. I am doomed.

The new girl at work is a writer. Yeah. I found out during one of my "so what do you think of the new girl conversations". My favorite store manager is Paul. He is your classic family guy. He was a jock in school, who studied business in Westchester and managed a bunch of retail stores in the last 20 years. He is obsessed with video games, loves his kids to death, and don't get him started on the Yankees. He loves the Yankees. Everybody likes Paul because he understands a pivotal role in being a manager. Get your employees to like you, and we will do our best to pick up the slack when he asks.

Because of the holidays, we have hired a slew of new people. So far I only like the Matt kid. His dad is this hot shot publisher, but besides that he fell into the group pretty well. Paul, having only been there a year, has never hired anyone before and for some reason the old managers felt it was time. Of course (because he's a guys guy), he hires a beautiful half Italian/half Hispanic, ex-bartender who now works in advertising but wanted to make extra cash! We, the girls, all hate her. The boys, love her.

I wish I was vain and could say that I hate her on looks alone. We are a store of young, alternative intellectuals who spent our high school days fending off the popular beautiful people, only to now become comfortable in our skins. And then this chick comes along, with her gorgeous hair and skin and suddenly it's as if she has plopped herself down at the nerds lunch table, interrupting a game of dungeons and dragons with her prettiness. She talks like Scarlet Johansen, she laughs a siren and damn it her hair is pretty amazing. Pretty amazing.

But I'm not vain. And the reason I don't like her has nothing to do with her looks. Josh, a friend at work, said it best. Our particular store is employed with people who fit into a certain niche. This is why we have more good days then bad, why we pick up the slack for one another, and function as some cohesive team. We all like each other. We all hate our jobs and know that if things were better our retail days would be way behind us....but we generally like each other. Because we are smart, passive, talented slackers. Or as he called it "Nerds who are finally okay with being a nerd". I say we are like The Breakfast Clubs, brats thrown into a situation under our control but we've turned it into an weekend adventure, and made some friends along the way.

But all of a sudden, because everyone is looking for a job these days, we are a store full of 'new people' vs. 'old people' and what the new people have, in a way done, is invaded the only thing we like about the job, each other. On the first day, New Girl was already bossing everyone around. She wanted us to hold this, or go there, or do this and that for her. She doesn't ask questions about how something is done she expects you to just give her answers. I call her the "used car salesman" in my head, because she comes on strong and doesn't waiver until you are off the lot and cursing. We spent that whole afternoon talking about her, and at the end of the night we were glad when she got to leave early.

She has been trying to make up for her bad first impression, but some of us (me.me.me) we are not that forgiving. So far our continued impression of her is "she's not horrible but...."

I found out that she was a writer a day or two after I met her. She was in the essay section and was browsing through a book on memoirs. I later found out that she introduced herself as a writer to half of the employees. She makes me ill. One of my coworkers, in defense of me, said "our Beckett is a writer too. You two should have so much to talk about". No. No. No. We sized each other up immediately and then went our separate ways, pens in hand seeing who would pen their first novel first (okay this didn't happen. But in my mind it was like that!) Maybe having this foe at work will generate some writing. I have a need to squash her prettiness with my personality and writing abilities. It may be the reward at the beginning of my writing 'career' that I need.

WTF?

I just got rejected from a job I didn't apply to. Not once, but through the power of spam, 6 TIMES! I think that is a record. Economy=Lame.

We Love You So

So I still have not seen The Wild Things directed by Spike Jonze ( I almost typed in Spike Lee and I realized how funny that adaptation would look with Lee's direction). I haven't seen it for the same reason I haven't seen Precious (aka Push), The Men Who Stare at Goats, and any other books adapted to a movie. When you work at a bookstore it is sort of disheartening to see people come in looking for a book because they saw the trailer for the movie. People don't seem to realize that Push was out for like 10 years, and don't even get me started on Where the Wild Things Are.

For this reason I don't watch movies adapted from a book until long after they have come out. Or I don't read the book until long after the movie has come out. I didn't really have to do that for where the wild things are, because it's been out forever and it takes minutes to read. But there is something so interesting about the movie, and I had to stop myself from saying 'fuck it' and buying a ticket to go see it.

I think what Spike Jonze captures so well, is the wildness that encompasses being boy. I mean girls have it too, but if you ever watched two young boys act out some pirate fantasy you realize it is a different sort of wildness. One you wish you could hold on to forever.

I have listened to the score by Carter Burwell a million times, and I get teary eyed every time I hear it. Especially during the We Love You So track. It's then that you realize the real tragedy of childhood is how quickly it escapes you. How, sooner or later who will encounter the real world, and all of the imaginary friends from you youth will disappear.

My nephew died a year ago. He was a year and 2 months. He slept with a blanket and could eat enough for two babies. And I loved him, even though I didn't really know him. And there was something about this movie depicting this incredibly wild boy that resonates with me. That makes me sad and yearn for the nephew I will never have in the one I lost. And I hate that he won't be able to be a boy. I hate that he won't be able to sail the Indian Ocean or Slay Dragons. Or relish in the sound of toy trains hitting each other. That he won't be able to be a boy. Any boy.

And it's been difficult this last couple of weeks because for some reason he invades my thoughts. I wonder who he could have been, what his voice would sound like, what his face would look like when he is sad, happy, and full of life. And honestly outside of my family and Marie no one knows about the loss that we are still dealing with. And it's hard because at work I am pleasant and happy and sweet. And I don't let whatever is going on inside my head affect my interactions with my co-workers.

But it doesn't mean that I don't want to confide in someone from time to time. Especially during days where the grief seems unbearable. I remember being overcome with emotions one afternoon for no reason at all. I was angry at life and at death and in the god I sometimes believe in. I barely got myself together before work, and no one asked me how I was doing because I am a pro a faking it. But other times I physically feel myself reaching out to people for comfort, but I pull back before revealing to much. Grief is a weird thing.

A week or two ago I was asked to set up a promo table at work. This meant that I had to go in our receiving area, filled with 50 or so unopened boxes, and look for the items designated for that table. I am short and I weigh like 110lbs. I am strong for my size but good god these boxes were heavy. My manager told me to be careful while I was going through them because the boxes (stacked on top of one another) have a tendency of toppling over. When she left McAbs stopped by to see what I was doing. The receiving area is way in the back of the store so we didn't have to worry about a manager stopping us. I told him that I had to dig through most of these boxes and he sort of laughed like "they made you, of all people do this". I asked him, in a joking way, if he could listen out for me if he was back here. Just in case a box came crashing down, I wanted to make sure someone knew I was back there.

He shrugged his shoulders and said "sure whatever" and went back to work. Surprisingly for the next three hours McAbs stopped by every 30 minutes to make sure I was okay. No lie. And when he heard some random boxes fall near where I was working he called my name from the hallway to make sure I was okay. But I didn't hear him at first, and the next thing I heard was "Beckett, Beckett, Beckett" followed by him running down the hall and into the receiving room. I was sweating and tired and kneeling near another box, and when I turned to him he looked angry:
"I called your name, you didn't answer. I thought you fell or something"
"Sorry?"
"It's cool, just answer next time okay, you freaked me out"

That night he asked me if I wanted a ride home. This was after I had that very explicit dream about him, and I was about to say no but my feet hurt, and my hands hurt and I wasn't looking forward to walking home by myself. I wasn't looking forward to crying down the street, because I had a tendency of doing that too when I get sad. So I said yeah because I knew if he drove me home I would be distracted from my own thoughts. He would be the distraction I needed.

I waited until he changed his clothes and then we headed to his car. I mentioned half way that my feet were killing me because I never wear socks with my flats and I was doing a lot of climbing and walking and blah blah blah. "I could carry you" he interrupted. But he was so freaking serious I hit him in the arm and brushed him off. We were crossing the street when my shoe literally fell off, and i told him to wait and he looked back to see me hobbling towards him with my shoes in hand.

"Come here" he said, and when I made it to the curb he looked amused (similar to the dream much). "Let me carry you to the car. We will get there a lot faster". I looked at him like he was crazy but then I looked at my feet and I thought "well..." but I still said no, and I said something along the lines of "it's kind of inappropriate". But he really wanted to carry me to the car, and I really didn't feel like walking and through this we agreed that a piggy back ride is harmless. And so he bent down and let me hop on his back and he carried me to his car.

A piggyback ride is not harmless. Especially when you are attracted to the person giving you one. I realized that my boobs were pressed against his back, and that I naturally wanted to place my head on his shoulder. But that would be too much physical contact and he has a girlfriend, and I would potentially kiss his neck or something. So I leaned back as much as I could so that my boobs weren't touching his back and so my mouth didn't find it's way to his neck. This made for an uncomfortable piggy back ride on his part, because I was essentially choking him because I couldn't relax. He would say "you are choking me" "Sorry" "still choking me". We almost made it to the car without any problem but I didn't know what to do with my legs, and I refused, REFUSED to wrap them around him ,so I awkwardly slid down back to the ground.

"I feel like I need a cigarette" he said, with the most inappropriate smile I have ever seen. "But you don't smoke" "I know".

Of course after he dropped me off at my aunt's (in his car) I regretted the whole thing. Because it was an innocent exchange that felt all kinds of dirty. He has a gf. He has a life outside of the bookstore. And there I am crushing on him hardcore to the point where innocent piggyback rides seem wrong. But I discarded that feeling because damn it he has nice muscles.

However the next night I was not in the best of moods. Despite my encounter with McAbs, I woke up from a nap feeling that sense of grief that has a way of creeping up on me. It doesn't help that We Love You So is a constant song playing in my ear. And as I headed into work, where we are surrounded by images of Where The Wild Things Are, all I could think of was Danny and how he won't ever get to grow up. And sometimes at night I pray that wherever he is, that he is allowed to be a boy. He is allowed to be so much more than a person who never got to grow and love life. And eat doughnuts or see Ghostbusters, or hear AC/DC. And I hope that there are things or people telling him how much he is loved. That he was loved. And that I'm sorry he had to leave so soon, but that we think of him often. And if we could go back, we would in a heartbeat, and hold on so tight until ...

And I just felt horrible at work. Because I didn't have anyone to go to about any of this. I cried during my break, and I tried to stay away from as much people as I could. And there are so many new faces at work that I felt lost. And around 6, I knew that he was at work and I wanted to just go him and be like "my day sucks. It sucks so hard let me tell you about it". Not even because I like him, but because he is familiar and sort of a buddy. But he was no where to be found, and when we did cross paths he felt like a stranger. I had to go into receiving again, and he popped in to say 'hi". He was smiling as usual and didn't notice that I was sad. He told me he was sneaking back here to call his girlfriend and I said something snarky like "Tell her I said hey". I made a quick exit. The rest of the night he tried to get my attention, but I was sort of over it. Because it was then that I realized that he isn't mine. I have no access to him. I can't confide in him, I can't go to him with my problems. He is only McAbs and apparently only available for piggy back rides and playing where's waldo in the kids department. And I need more than that, I want more than that. Even in just a friend.

And I feel like he knows that i am this nice, sweet, innocent girl and that he has the upper hand in our budship. Because naturally he is dominate and I am willing. And sometimes that can come off as submissive which I'm not. Because when he is being a guy (the strong silent type), it's because I am in a way allowing him to be that guy that I want him to be. But unfortunately the more I get to know him, the guy I want him to be isn't possible. Because what I want is someone available for me to come to when the shit hits the fan, or when I am mourning.

So later that night, while he was in the cafe he asked me if I wanted a ride home. He expected me to say 'yes', I expected me to say yes. But I couldn't. Because I really didn't want a ride, and I also don't want him to think I rely on him to drive me home on Sundays. I don't want him to think that I can never say no because he is too attractive and I am too...plain.

So I told him I'd take a rain check. And he pouted, and tried to lure me with candy and control over the radio dial. But I couldn't, because I like him more than I should. More than is appropriate for a guy with a girlfriend. And because I can't have him the way I want him, and he doesn't know when I'm upset. He doesn't even care. So I have to create a boundary that we both can't cross. I have to create a healthy friendship with him, because he isn't mine. He can never be mine. And maybe that's a good thing.

This grief thing is hard. I called Marie on the walk home. It was raining. And I was soaked and I asked her if I am acting out in response to grief. If this need for sort of physical comfort is in response to being a mess inside. I mean luckily I am not a skanky skank. But I can see myself wanting to find comfort in types of people instead of trying to deal with my grief. Because I don't know how articulate it, or make sense of it. I feel angry, and sad, and confused and I want to punch a wall or lay against someone back as he carries me home.

And it has a lot to do with being afraid. And completely devastated about his death. And I am scared that because he isn't here anymore, he doesn't exist anywhere. And instead of contemplating all of those things, I distracted myself in the pedestals I put people on, mainly guys. But when I am able to face myself, and sometimes to face Danny...I am filled with sadness. And I only find comfort in illusions....that somewhere, he never stopped really existing. That he is on an island, far out of reach surrounded by creatures who "love him so, they'll eat him up"

Another Brick Wall

I am a dreamer.

I mean that in the literal and figurative way. I sleep a lot, which causes me to have very vivid and realistic dreams, and by nature I am a naive optimistic. It's because I live in my head. A lot. I have waking fantasies about my future and present that cause me to drift off into to another world sometimes. Marie explains it the best. I am a fish in the sea, and she sometimes has to reel me back in from going to far out into the depths of the ocean. I don't need to be on land, particularly, but just close enough to the shore so that I don't get caught up in the waves.

I follow my astrological sign sometimes. And though I know it's a complete pile of horse crap most of the time, I can't help but seeing the similarities between my sign (Pisces) and myself. A sign symbolized by illusions, secrets, but more importantly dreams. Which is why I cherish my dreams, not because they are unconscious representations of my life but because they are a unconscious representation of how I am. Of how I am struggling to become.

2 weeks ago I had a...interesting dream about McAbs. Okay, by interesting I mean we consummated our weird budship against a brick wall somewhere in westchester county. Thank god it was only a dream. But damn it all to hell I woke up in the morning feeling like the skankest skank of all. Let me explain. I know that I have a tendency of creating something out of nothing regarding guys. I did it with Art Boy, and the Older Guy a work, and let's be honest with most of my crushes. I have scaled back some in doing this, thanks to therapy and my increasing self confidence.

See the problem is, I feel like I don't deserve a normal nice guy. I feel like I have this big huge scarlet letter on my shoulder for Broken or Weird. Anxious and Unwanted. Scared and Vulnerable. Because of this, I know that when I put a guy I like on a pedestal I won't be able to disappoint him because I could never be the girl he wanted me to be anyway.



I'm still trying to overcome this. it's hard though. My experiences in High School and Middle School beat the hell out of my identity. I have spent the last ten years trying to rebuild it.


For some reason, being in New York has helped. I notice that I am not as awkward around people as I was once was and as a 23 year old that seems like a long time coming, especially when I can't help but want to create and sustain relationships that are both healthy and lovely. Especially when it comes to guys. I have tendency of falling for a particular 'type' of guy. Nerdy, Literate, Funny, and Shy. You'd think these would be the easiest guys to talk to. But No! I See a guy dressed like a indie nerd and I go running in the opposite direction.

McAbs is not like any crush I have ever had in recent years. He is nerdy but...popular/built/nice/charismatic and in complete control of himself. By that, I mean he is confident. We were talking about horoscopes one day when he told me that he was a Leo. This struck me as interesting because of my obsession with horoscopes from time to time. Leo, being the sign of the lion, is not the most compatible sign for Pisces, the fish...because cats dominate fishes. They don't mean too but you put a cat by a pond and their first instance is to dive right in and grab what's there's.

But, I am sort of attracted to his dominate personality. Very attracted to it. He doesn't second guess himself, like I do. He doesn't hide from his emotions, like I do. And he has little secrets, which I possess. He says what he wants, he does what he wants inside the confines of contained circle, and damn it all to hell he has muscles that ripple. Ripple I tell you. Where I am use to crushing on guys who I know I will try to take care of, he is someone who likes to take care of things. He is a guy who doesn't mind being the GUY and making the decisions. And there is something attractive about that. I think it's the one thing I am really attracted too (outside of the muscles).

So then I have this dream. I have contemplated writing it down because of its personal nature but here goes nothing....

In the dream McAbs is walking me home. It is past midnight. The street is isolated and dark, and it's cold outside. But there is nothing creepy about it. He makes me feel safe as we are leaving work, and playfully lean against like girls usually do. We are walking in New Rochelle, which is where I use to live when I was a kid. New Rochelle is the town that borders the Hudson river. Because of this it has a marina like quality to it, because you are surrounded by water on almost all sides. We are walking down curvy hill, past the hardwood store I sought refuge in during the blizzard of '96 and past the boat dock where the boats never really sail from.

Before we even get the end of the street, the sky opens up and it begins to rain. I hear a huge sound like thunder splitting the earth open and then rain pours down, so hard that it pounds against the payment like rocks. He grabs my hand and attempts to pull me into a run, to escape the weather and get inside the closest building. But I don't want to run. I like the way it feels. I tilt my head up towards the sky and let the drops hit every part of me. It is only then that he lets go of my hand, and when he does I kneel to the ground to take my shoes off so I can feel the the wet grass beneath my feet. My back is towards him, but I know that he is watching. I know that he thinks I am crazy for wanting to stay in the rain. That I don't care how soaked we are going to be when we get wherever we are going to go.

While kneeling, I turn my head to look up at him. He is smiling sort of. Amused mainly, and I ask him if he wants to join me. I extend my hand then, wanting to pull him down to where I have decided to let the rain hit me. But he pulls me up, so quickly that I sort of fall into him for a moment. I realize that it is time to go. And I push away from him playfully and he captures my hand again before we continue down the street. We head down past the dock where the boats never sail and I say something stupid, funny stupid, awkward stupid, but stupid nonetheless. And he stops. Right there as it is still raining, and if what have said has ruined the moment. But I decide to keep walking, but am only able to take a few steps before I realize that he has not planned on moving.

hmm...So I turn to him, and it's still raining and still very cold outside, and it's my turn to smile at him like "what are you doing now". But my smile starts to fade , when I realize his intent and I realize my impending and willing submission to his intent. And I don't feel like I am in danger. I am not scared or threatened because I know he's in control. And some how that makes me in control. And I let his hands and they are now lightly guiding back, against this brick wall that I have never seen before. And I know then, that our intentions for one another is suddenly going to become action, and I look away back up against the sky that is a mixture and grey and purple and I wonder who I am in that moment. Who I've become. But I don't resist. I don't resist any of it. The force of his body against mine or the moment just before we have lost control, just before I hesitate and cry. Because I know that we can't go back. And yet. And yet. We continue, and the rain hits us both. And I don't know who I am, because the as the rain comes down we become a blur and I can only sense myself dissolving under the weight of him. And then I wake up.

Damn waking up and your stupid waking life.

I think I know what the dream was about outside of sex. But it didn't make it any easier when I had to face McAbs the next day at work. I feel like it was about control and my wanting it to not be this pivotal block for me. It was about wanting to relinquish this 'brick wall' that I have constructed to protect myself and my feelings. And though McAbs was the leading man, it had more to do with me than I am willing to admit tonight.

This dream is a prelude to the piggy back ride and my subsequent falling out of lust with McAbs. But I'll have to save that for later. I have embarrassed myself enough for one night.

Life on A Train.

I have spent a lot of my time on trains lately. From going to Connecticut every week, to the 15 hour train ride to South Carolina. Maybe I have a career as a conductor in the future? Okay maybe not.



I am very sleepy. Trying to get some shut eye on a crowded amtrak train is very hard to do. I sat next to a very nice college guy who spent most of the train ride texting and watching movies on his laptop. The train was relatively quiet outside of some outburst from children and some crazy (and potential) drug dealer a few seats back talking on the phone. Something about her (yes her) saying "if you don't get my money I will get my boys on you" drew me to that conclusion.



I spent most of my time, not writing, not reading but instead texting Marie and my mom and trying to find a way to position my body in a way that would bring about sleep. But I nothing worked. I'd get a good hour of something that resembled sleep and then BAM....awake again.



So currently I am in bed. Ready to fall into one of the best sleeps I have had in 3 months. My body has spent that many months sleeping on a very uncomfortable couch in my very uncomfortable living situation. But for now, I am home in a full size bed, with three fluffy pillows cradling my head. My mom made soup, my brother and I played Rock Band and the adapter for my computer works. Life is good.

In other news:



I'm glad there is interest in this GREAT MIX CD EXCHANGE! I am excited about this. Very excited and Xmas is the perfect time to send them out and stuff. I figure those who want to participate can leave their email address in the comments (which will be deleted as soon as I have it written down). Or I could just post my email address ( Postscript: the one I just created for this particular project). I don't know. Let me know which is better.

I think they should then be sent out the week of Christmas. The theme is yours to choose from so you can be as creative as you want. I would love to know what type of music you all are listening too, or what type of songs you'd think I'd like. My mix tapes will be a mix of the two, based on who I am composing the track list for. Obsessively I have 'known' some of you longer than others (Jon, Frogboots) but don't fret the mix cd's will still be intimate and personalized!

Post your emails as soon as you can (I will leave mine up for the weekend, which you can access from my profile), so I can successfully send these out in time (I have a serious case of procrastination. It may be a life long disorder).

A real post tomorrow, for sure. I have not forgotten the list of things I want to write. But for now sleep, a mighty good sleep if I do say so myself.

Vacation, All I've Ever Wanted!

I'm going home tomorrow! Too excited for words.

My computer wire was shipped home (as expected) so on Friday I will have access to my laptop again and I won't have to come to the library to compose a post. Not that I don't LOVE the library but writing personal stuff in public was never my thing.

A lot has happened in the last couple of days that I have been dying to write about:

1) As of yesterday I am no longer an intern at a publishing house. After 3 months, can you believe it, of throbbing members and passion pearls I have successfully finished my gig. And I didn't even have to come up with some lame excuse to get out of it. I emailed them last week about the close of the internship and within days they had another chick, Lauren, to fill my space. I thought it would be a weird and awkward goodbye. I wasn't the most ambitious intern. I was quiet, sleepy most days, and I ate so much candy there it was ridiculous. But when I was fully present, I did work my ass off, even with all the craziness that is, and was, Crazy Lady.

They bought me a card and some cookies and told me how much they would miss me there. I also walked away with some free books, published by them of course, and I have at least a months work of trashy books to read. That's a job well done if I say so myself. It was weird. I was actually sad and happy to be leaving. I mean 3 months ago I was about to run for the hills, but I am glad that I stuck with it (thanks frogboots!). I mean I still think publishing is a boring career and I would rather be a writer than a desk sitter. But I learned something there.

2) I still hate the new girl at work.

3) I broke up with McAbs. So technically we were never going out. And I don't even think he knew there was this thing going on between us. But I have made a decision to not let his hotness rule my life. Or something like that.

4)Now that I am sans internship, I will actively pursue my interest in film production and writing. It's going to be hard, I may feel desperate and depressed all over again. But now I can continue to pursue my dreams. Yeah? Dreams

4.5) Me and a girl at work made playlists for each other and exchanged mix cd's this monday. I have never made one for someone before, or more importantly I have never had one made for me outside of my brother throwing crap tracks together. But there was something so personal about her putting together 15 songs she thought I would love. And I did. I am now obsessed with this idea of mix cd's. If you want one. Let me know. Christmas is coming up and I am feeling musical. Think about it.

5) Finally, and after my 9 day holiday I will officially be paying rent in my new house...I mean room-in-a-house. I am nervous, scared, thrilled, and worried. But now i can extend my time in New York without the threat of my aunt kicking me out. I like it here, even when it sucks huge throbbing members. I like it here more than I care to admit.

I can't wait until I have my computer back. This library stint sucks. You'd think at 10:34 in the morning the place would be empty. But no, everyone is here. EVERYONE.

Until Friday

Becks

Not Dead.

So the adapter on my computer has died for the third time in three years. I wonder if best buy has it out for me. Without a warranty, I forked over $53.00 to replace my now broken adapter. I literally have no one to blame but myself. You know those movie montages where a series of scenes replay a character doing something repetitive so the audience gets a glimpse at who this person is. Where somewhere there should be a montage of me repeatedly dropping the adapter on the floor followed by me apologizing to it. I don't know what this says about me, maybe that I have clumsy hands. These clumsy hands are costing me.

Best Buy, damn you, said that the package would be mailed monday and would take 4-6 days to reach me. In 4-6 days I will be in south carolina so I called them last night and asked if they could ship it to my moms house instead. The plan being that I would be there next Friday and the adapter would be waiting for me, in my big room, with my big bed and desk. Turns out Best Buy not only wants all my money, but they are liars. My package was mailed Wednesday and is in New York today. But because I had them send it to South Carolina there is no way they can drop it off today. So I am without a computer for a couple of days, and the library is my new friend.

I am feeling a tab bit better these days, hence the normal font, and whatever spell that washed over me last week is tailing off. I can feel it. I think the waves of anxiety, moodiness and general suckassness that I have been feeling these days is growing pains. Becoming an adult is exhilarating and fantastic but there is a place right in the middle of all that which sucks...hardcore. I am learning to deal with it, I think. I am learning to survive it perhaps.

I put in my two weeks notice at the internship. But I feel they had a replacement for me in the store anyway. I was starting to feel like they wanted me to move on already, if they only knew I was ready to leave as soon as I started they would have planned a replacement three months ago. Bethany seems to be the only one who will miss me, and I am going to buy her a card or something to thank her for toughing it out with me.

I would explain the McAb story (the word Marie and I have made up for you know who) but I am in the library and this story deserves careful analyzing. There are moments when I want nothing more from him than friendship. I am use to having guy friends who are awkward, shy, and nerdy just as I am. I mean Mike, a GREAT example, was my sole friend in college. And I felt like I all the control in that friendship. He was as indecisive and emotional as I am, and in the end I felt like he needed my approval more than anything. McAbs in different (yes. GF poses a problem). And this difference makes me want more from him some days than friendship. He is this guy who is aware of his guyness. And there is something attractive about that.

Some days I go from being madly in like with him to sheer ambivalence. This week was madly in like with him, especially because of the new beautiful girl who is working with us. The girl that I am training but whose guts I hate. Not because she's pretty but because she came on too strong to quick and thought she could boss people around. She is a bitch, this is no exaggeration and she has rubbed customers and employees the wrong way. She came in with guns blazing but no target, and we are all out for revenge. Anyway, ever since she started working there I have become very protective of the co-workers I consider friends. Especially McAbs. Not in a weird psycho way, but where I have neglected telling them how much their friendship means (because I don't know how) I have tried to make it more clear. McAbs is a nice guy, and I have a tendency of warping nice into HE LIKE ME, HE LIKES ME! But I am confused by the attention he gives me. I am confused by his nice comments and flirty ways. I am confused. Very confused. And I don't know how to claim him as a friend without wanting to claim him...

I will tell you more when I can. This is not the place to do that. And yes he did give me a piggy back ride. But it was only because I said my feet hurt when we were walking down the street, and he offered to carry me but i said that would be weird...so he said not if it's a piggy back ride. Who have I become?

My mom might get the adapter tomorrow or monday so she may mail it to me express or just keep it safe at home, until I get there. But I am not dead. Not even close. I am doing okay. I am pulling myself out of the darkness. Whatever that means.

2 minute overview.

There is a new girl at work who sucks hardcore. She sucks the life out of the place and she threatens the nice little clique of intellectual misfits we have created. I was uber rude to her last night because she is abrasive and approaches people like a salesman. I despise her and they want me to spend the next week training her. What to do. What to do.

Connecticut time.

Is that You?

Guess who saw this little fucker walking through the store yesterday. No lie.

Don't know who he is? Google Star Trek or Termination Salvation, and his face may start to look a little familiar.

I was walking through the fiction aisle the other day, contemplating the state of my life when I saw a cute guy flipping through a book. He was wearing all black, expect for a gray scarf wrapped around his neck and naturally his skinny awkward stance drew my attention.

I was going to do my usual, yeah he's cute but time to get back to work thing, when I knew that i had seen him before. That for some reason his face was much more familiar than it should be. I am very (very) good with faces and within seconds (despite the fact that he had on a beanie) I knew who it was. But I didn't remember his name, because it was Russian, and I didn't know who to tell because I wasn't sure they would know either.

He was in the store for a good half hour, all of which I spent convincing my co-workers that it was him. Yes, I am that person who not only yells fight, when one is occurring but I also spot out celebrities and rile the crowd up. I don't mean too, I just get a little too excited. We, the "new guy" and the "sort of new girl" followed him to the philosophy section just so we could walk past him and confirm my suspicion. Even then, no one believed me.

Luckily the head cashier, a Star Trek follower, confirmed it was him as soon as Cute Young Actor came up to the cash register. He was a lot skinner in person and his eyes were blood shot. He also had horrible eye contact and looked sort of anxious but the moment Head Cashier saw him, I knew that before me stood Anton Yelchin, because I heard my co-worker stop breathing for a few seconds. Not only did he stop breathing but he was frozen in his tracks. I rang Anton Yelchin up (he bought the communist manifesto. Kids these days) and he was out the door. As soon as he left, I heard my co-worker exhale and say "dude you just rang up Pavel Chekov". Tell me about it. I know hot young actors when I see them.

I continue to struggle with whatever is going on in my head. I feel at a lose for things but I know I am slowly recovering from the suckassness of my life. I may have found a place to live. It's near my aunt's old place and the room is what I need. It is in a private house and the room is...just right. I am stopping by tomorrow to put down the security deposit and by December 1st I should have a place to stay.

Maybe this is the beginning of things falling into place. I do not know. I am very weary of making assumptions these days but it will be nice to have a place that I know I can come back to. That I know I can make feel my own. I am excited about this venture, and I am trying to stay as optimistic as my little heart can. We'll see. I have more to write but I am falling asleep at the keys.

Tomorrow: The Janitor and The Piggy Back Ride. He makes my head hurt. More on that tomorrow though.

Ugh, What a Week

So this week has been hard. Very hard. Can't you tell via my return to small text. Last month I applied to an internship with This American Life. It was a long shot, a shot in the dark, something I knew that I probably would not get. But that didn't stop me from praying to god every night. I was hoping that getting this position would make my life better. I would be a paid intern at a pretty cool job, I would be able to afford a place to live and finally quit my shit job at the bookstore.

I worked incredibly hard on the application. Turned it in a few weeks ahead of the due date and waited patiently. For a month. And then on Monday I get the email that someone else got the position. Someone who isn't me. I didn't even get an interview. My resume and application weren't even good enough to get me in the door. Depression looms. Why does life suck so bad.

I am really trying to be optimistic here, I know that there are a bunch of people like me (recent grad, no prospects) out here trying to land a job but damn it all to hell. What the fuck. I am so over the struggling and the suffering, and the annoyance of life right now. I am standing on the edge, and I am ready to jump. I don't care where I land as long as it isn't here.

It also sucks that I have no one to go to for all this....Thing (that's what I am calling the tension these days. A malignant Thing) that is building inside of me. I feel like a shell because the insides don't exist anymore. They have disintegrated and left me hollow. Maybe it's depression, it feels like anxiety and more recently pure unadulterated rage. Why can't i catch a break, why have I managed to screw up my life in such a way where my home is a couch and my life is spent working for free or passionless at the bookstore.

And this rage, it's not like anything I have ever experienced before because I am not seething red or taking out innocent victims on the street. I am filled with an array of emotions all boiled into one that pours out in tears rather than screams. But I don't really know how to cry, not real guttural ones any way, so even when my eyes begin to tear up I resist the urge to let them flow and instead suck in my breath deeply and will the negative thoughts away. But they never fully go away.

I have been going along with the motions lately. I am doing quite a job of resembling a functioning human being. But I am tired, and low. very. very. low. And I have to get ready to see another potential room that will be my home for as long as I can stand to be in New York. I am starting to fucking hate this place, and anyone who says differently can....see the random rage! I need a break. I need someone to take me away. I need to take myself away. Where can I run? Where can I go and hide?