Where's Your Head At?

In the clouds.



I have a long week ahead of me. Moving. Working. Applying. Sleeping.



I am in a weird mood this week. As soon as I got back to New York I was filled with a sense of "man I don't want to be here anymore". It didn't help that an hour after I arrived in this fair state, I headed to work for a closing shift. Yeah. I'm a wage whore.

I don't regret my decision to move here after graduation, but damn it all to hell some days I would rather be anywhere else. It could be the vacation lag I am feeling. After several days of my big bed and dinner on the table every night. I may be going through a 'home withdrawal' that will have to wear itself out.


But I still feel like crap. And this feeling (the weird what the fudge am I doing, where can I hide) stems from nervs. I know this. I am excited about moving (tomorrow!), I am excited about diving into this production thing head first, I am looking forward to...everything I guess. But that doesn't stop me from being nervous. Doesn't stop me from fearing change despite how much I look forward to it.

Before I left South Carolina I ran into an old friend from high School. I wrote a detailed post about this encounter last night, but I haven't posted it yet. I may never. But she was someone that Marie and I hung out with in school because she hated high school as much as we did. She always reminded me of DARIA, very withdrawn, monotone voice, lack of affect. But there was something I liked in her. Something we both liked about her.

We met in the 9th grade because EVERY freshman had to take a Strategies for Success class. The class was designed to prepare us for high school and life through a series of lectures and field trips. 7 Habits for a Highly Successful Teen(?) was our textbook, and years later I still feel robbed by the course. I don't feel highly successful. And those chapters of self esteem, self worth, life goals...BS.

Jamie (that's her name) and I were in the same class. We didn't even talk to each other for the first half of the semester. But then our teacher made us take that personality test, and based on our results we were separated into groups for the rest of that class period. Jamie and I were the only two people in the class who were INFP's. And we bonded over this quickly.

She was a talented writer and artist and sarcastic as hell. When Marie and I were having problems in AP English, Jamie helped us make t-shirts with quotes on it about 'people (our classmates) being sheep (because they were)'. She hung out with us in the library during lunch, and was a willing participant in our disdain for high school.

Of course as soon as we crossed that graduation stage, Jamie moved out of the state, and I didn't really keep in touch with her until recently when she contacted me on facebook. Anyway, before I left SC I stopped at the gas station and ran into her. She was working there. And she was excited to see me. We hugged for minutes and when we pulled back we talked about our life adventures since high school. She's a mom now. She lives in small town USA. She finds her life weird now, but she's happy. And I said I was happy. And then we promised each other we'd stay in touch. And then she was gone. And I was gone.

And though I was happy to see her, I hated seeing her at the gas station. She was the most talented writer I knew in school. She was nerdy and dark and I use to think in ten years everyone would regret not knowing Jamie. And there she was. Only 5 years after graduating school, working at the gas station. And here I am 5 years after graduating school working in retail. There I go again, seeing myself in someone else. Despite how different the circumstances are.

But sometimes I don't know if what I am doing will...work. I am putting everything into my life write now. And I don't know if it will pay off or not. I don't know if New York was the best choice. I don't know. But then I realize that going back to small town USA isn't going to be any better.

My head is all over the place. I am tired and moody. And though I have a day off, I keep preparing myself for work. I keep looking at the clock and counting down the hours until I have to head in. But I don't. It's a little weird having a day off.

Tomorrow is moving day. I have my certified check (rent) ready, and my bags not yet packed. I did find pleasure in walking around Target this afternoon comparing the prices of bookshelves. The room is furnished, but I want to personalize it as much as I can (without many items) so that I enjoy coming back to my space. I brought my prayer flags from home, and I am looking for a nice bookshelf to purchase for all of my books. PLUS....New Kid Matt (crush slowly forming) introduced me to The Strand a couple of week ago and I am planning a trip soon to indulge in my book obsession. I'll need a bookshelf by the time I am done with that store. There goes the excitement I was looking for!