Disappointment Alley.

My trip home to thanksgiving this year was okay. I'm not going to say it wasn't a little weird but the complete fucking break down i expected to happen did not occur. The moment i got off the train though, i must admit, i was counting down to my return to New York. I spent the better part of my trip sleeping, watching season one of Homeland and talking to my brother.

Before I left I promised Kat that I would ask my brother relationship related questions. As a serial dater and womanizer there is no one better to go to about what is going through a guys head than my brother. He tells it like it is and has absolutely no filter. Of course as soon as I got home my brother and I had a three hour conversation about Sean and my feelings and what the hell I am suppose to do with this boy.

 Immediately he told me that Sean is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He is setting me up to be the rebound chick should his girlfriend and him ever take a break. The truth is the last year i have been his 'puppy' I've willing down stuff for him and embarrassed myself because i thought he'd choose me. But a guy who: leaves you in a closet, asks you to get dog food for his girlfriend, abandons you multiple times and shows you semi naked pictures of his gf is immature and not sure what he wants. What he is sure of is that Sean has set me up to be a girl in wait for him if or when  things fall apart. If they do, I'll be a quick replacement. Though not temporary. If they don't, the only person who'll get hurt is me.

Oh and moving in with Sean would be a fucking mistake. Like a huge, worst idea in the history of the universe, mistake. "There is no girl I know who will let her boyfriend room with a single attractive female. Especially if they've been dating for 5 years! He isn't telling  you something about this roommate arrangement. Which means it will end up badly"

Sometimes i need a come to my senses talk to well come to my senses. And my brother sort of solidified how irrational, time consuming and wasteful this crush is. But my amplified feelings for Sean has a lot to do with my grief. A part of me needed a distraction and this boy filled that position well. I've spent the whole year trying to distance myself from the girl I was before Marie died. And an aspect of that girl didn't get attention from guys, was never the object of anyone affection and or desire. And with Sean it just sort of came naturally. We fell into this cat and mouse flirtation. And it worked for a while.

But now I want more. Not necessarily from him but just from romantic relationships in general. I don't want to wait around for this boy to catch up with my feelings So I  get back into town after a few days with my family and tell myself that I am going to tell Sean that I can't move in with him. That its not that the thought has never crossed my mind but my feelings for him aren't roommate compatible. Of course upon seeing him I forget all of that. He asks how my trip home was, i asked him about thanksgiving. We talked about the prospects of living together and i told him it was a possibility as long as we established boundaries.

My boundaries, in an attempt to convince him that living together is not a good idea, is that i refuse to be a third wheel. If he and his gf are considering in the near future ever moving in together I don't want our place to be a template for it. Respect my space. Respect that i'll be paying half the rent and I don't want to come home and see her. He shrugged and said that wouldn't be a problem.

His boundary: when we share a bed....no touching below the belt.

Is this kid serious. I rolled my eyes and tried to explain that as roommates there would be no bed sharing. Because roommates don't do that. Couples do that. And we're not a couple.

Asshole.

It's get worse. Later that night Sean and two other 'good friends' decided that after work they want to hang out and play video games. It was a spur of the moment thing but something i would have enjoyed being invited too. Especially because of of the people going was the Linda who always throws the wrestling parties. Plus it was my day back from vacation so spending some time with friends would have been nice. Not only was i not invited but they intentionally went the whole night trying to hide these plans from me. I only found out because Linda came up to me and said Sean had asked her (it's completely, utterly, non threatening and platonic between them) to come along and that she found it weird that she was invited .

I of course stared at her and fumed. I wasn't invited. I'm close to Sean. I like video games. What the hell. He spent the rest of the night avoiding me and when he finally did talk to me he asked me if i was walking home (he usually offers to drive me. He didn't that night). I told him I guess so because I heard he had plans.

 He replied: Yea. It's cool that you're walking. Be safe.

Are you fucking kidding me. On the way out the door. Sean kept trying to rush Linda because he didn't know that I knew that they were heading over to our friends house to hang out. I ended up walking home at midnight bawling my eyes out.

Why am i putting myself through this. Why is it so hard to unlike someone. Despite all the shitty things he has done to me I continue to care about him. I've spent the last couple of days placing blame on Linda for not asking why i couldn't go. For our friend whose house they were invited to to play games at. But mainly at Sean because not only does he not like me the way i like him, not only is he setting me up for heartbreak. But he's not a good friend. He doesn't care about my feelings. I am not someone he considers.

Linda is throwing another wrestling/Christmas party next Sunday and while I am not sure now if i want to go (because my exclusion from Saturday stings like a bitch) I still want to get everyone going a gift (the three of them from Saturday fiasco and our friend John). Sean hates gifts. No one ever gets him things that he likes. He'd rather get money so he can purchase whatever he wants. But i don't give money as gifts. I think it's impersonal. So instead I had a really cute idea. Despite the fact that we are never ever ever going to be roommates, I wanted to get him a key ring and draft a roommate contract.

The roommate contract would explain my excitement over the idea of us living together but reinforce the impracticality of it. I'd confess my concerns and offer a small glimpse into why it wouldn't work. I'd also admit why i wish it would work. The key ring, would for me, symbolize that I hope he finds the 'roommate' he is 'looking for' to share a 'home' with cause it's a commitment. A commitment both should be invested in. This gift will totally go over his head but what the hell I can't go another year being obsessed with this boy. I'm over it.

So the last couple of days, despite being pissed about Saturday and not being able to ask him about it (we rarely work together) I still looked online for his gift. I thought about getting a Thor key chain, cause he likes Thor. I thought about getting him an iron man one because he was so excited about the trailer. I even thought about finding a scorpion key chain because he likes Drive and wants to bulk up like Ryan Gosling. And then, out of the blue, i remembered this very obscure character from a comic he brought up ages ago. He's not terribly popular but during our break once when we were reading together he was reading this comic. So i purchase the key chain even though I'm not sure if this is the character he likes.

When i get to work next day I ask my friend in the music department (and fellow comic book nerd) if Sean is interested in any particular comic series. The first name that comes out of his mouth is the name of the character i purchased the night before. When i walked away I was filled with a weird empty feeling. I know all about this boy, I wanted to be apart of this boys life so much that I took note of his likes and dislikes. His mannerisms and quirks. He cut his finger a couple of weeks ago and waved the bloody mess in my face to show me the damage. Without even thinking I grabbed his hand and marched him over to the sink in the break room  I grabbed the alcohol rub and the band-aids and without a second thought started cleaning up his hand.

He flinched underneath my touch and then asked why i was doing this. I looked up at him suddenly and realized that I had no idea I'd even taken his hand to clean up. It was instinct. I wanted to make him better cause it would make me feel....something. I pushed his hand away and handed him the band-aid and told him i didn't know why i was cleaning him up. And then I walked away. But this is the basis of our relationship, me standing around to pick up the pieces and him not even considering me.

I don't new years resolution, but my goal is to be apart of a healthy two one relationship in the near future with a boy who available and attentive of my feelings.

Scar Tissue

...wrote a lengthy grilled cheese post called Scar Tissue.

....the next few weeks are going to be rough and while I am able to write about my grief here, my friends are in the dark about this stuff.

...So i wanted to write posts periodically on Grilled Cheese to give them a sense of my internal thoughts.

Here's the link if you're interested in reading it: Scar Tissue

On Going Home.

On Monday I am going home for Thanksgiving.

This year I have many reservations about my usual trek home. Instead of a deep sigh of relief because I will be away from Le Sad Store and New York for a week I am filled with...fear. I think that's the emotion i feel. Absolute fear mixed with grief and dread.

When I headed home last year I was under the impression that Marie and I were on a break. I hadn't heard from her in a few months and thought, perhaps, that she was shacked up somewhere in North Carolina with  new friends and a guy. I didn't attempt to call her once when I came into town because I was in a "well if she doesn't want to talk or reach out to me i'm not going to contact her either" mode.

I now regret and often can't get over the fact that by then she was already living at home with her parents; unhappy and miserable and possibly plotting her death. I don't remember much from last Thanksgiving. I think my brother and I played video games, i took pictures of my nephew, i read old journals and watched a lot of TV. It was an ordinary week with my family and yet there was so much going on with Marie who was less than an hour away.

This year i don't have the 'luxury' of thinking her absence has to do with our friendship falling apart. This year, I am returning to South Carolina where memories await me and it is freaking me out. It's almost been a year since her death and I am still not ready to confront it. I've distracted myself with boy drama, socialization, a new part time job, and sleeping. I cry for Marie. i cry for myself. I am coping in ways that are not completely healthy but now I am going to be in South Carolina for a whole week surrounded by places and things that will remind me of her, that will in someone carry her memory. And i am freaking out!

This is not an exaggeration. In the past few weeks I have lashed out at people, endured sleepless nights, wallowed and nearly cancelled my trip home because I don't think I can do this. I don't think I am ready to go back yet and be surrounded by 'her'. Outside of my family, my memories of home are entwined with hers. The coffee shop near my house is where we hung out that one night a few years ago and face-book stalk my crush from the internship. The track across town is where we laughed hysterically at two people making out in a car on prom night. I'll no doubt drive past our high school while i drive around trying to kill time. The journals i usually re-read will be filled with Marie stories and complaints. And don't get me started on the photo albums.

The other day i got into an argument with a co-worker who said she didn't like my attitude when i was around her. She said that when Kat and I are together I become a different person and she doesn't feel like she knows who i am anymore. I was totally offended by this comment, told her so and then said if she wanted to explain what she meant instead of giving me stank eye we could discuss it like adults. She didn't want to do this and we haven't talked since. I don't mind not talking to this woman. She is immature and annoying and the most aggravating person i have ever met. I am however, offended and stung by her remark that she doesn't know who i am anymore because I have often thought this in the year since Marie has passed.

I have said it many times that I am not the same. There is a chip on my shoulder. I am quick to find fault in people. I am quite judgmental of strangers and yet insanely territorial about my friends and family. I am a moody, complicated girl whose temper is swift and unforgiving. I often feel like someone has shuffled me in a crazy grief tumbler and placed me back together a little...different. Not bad or good. But different. Because of this, going home feels paralyzing. I am the same girl who left South Carolina four years ago and yet I am different. And now, on top of that, I am going home to a place that doesn't feel like home anymore because Marie isn't here to validate a huge chunk of what made it home for me. She isn't here.

Last night i had a fucking panic attack about leaving on Monday. I went in the back, hid behind some boxed and cried. I kept telling myself that I was not/am not prepare to go home. I kept cursing Marie and her fucking stupid decision to end her life. I kept cursing myself for being such an awful friend to her when she needed me the most. And I almost collapsed from the insufferable knowledge that she is just gone, that she is never coming back and that that this is my life without her; often more of a mess then an actual life.

Of course, feeling stupid for crying, i shut down the rest of the night, got in a fight with Sean and convinced myself that I would tell my mom i couldn't make the trip home. I was starting to spiral. Sean came up to me and asked what was wrong. I lashed out and told him that it didn't matter what was wrong because he doesn't care anyway (our relationship is weird). I ignored him the rest of the night and then cried in his car on the way home. I will have to write the events of the car ride home in more detail. I don't want to forget it. Since her death I have not been able to express in words how it is affecting me. I told Sean that I wasn't doing well since her death, which is something that I rarely even admit to myself.

He started to tell me a story about a friend he no longer is in contact with and how fucked up it feels to care about someone you are never going to be in contact with again. I turned to him and started crying and told him that that story about his friend is not that same thing. Marie is never coming back. She isn't off some where living a life that I am no longer apart of. She is dead. She took her own life. She is gone. Gone. There is never going to be a possibility that I will see her face again or hear her laugh or see the world like we planned. She is gone and it isn't fair I cried.

He pulled into my driveway and turned off his car while I whimpered for 15 minutes in the passenger seat. I stared out the window so he wouldn't see my face as I started to cry. He took my hand and stroked the inside of my palm with his thumb and said he was sorry. That he was really fucking sorry but that maybe I shouldn't keep trying to pretend that everything is okay. We spent an hour in the car talking about her. I told him some things i have only written about on this blog and others that i have not. He said her name out loud a couple of times and I forgot how much i missed someone else referring to her.

I cried some more. Told him I thought i was a terrible friend. Told him that I use to wish I didn't know her when she was alive. That out of the two of us, I wasn't the one who was suppose to survive and I feel guilty often that i did. He didn't say much and if he did my sobs drowned his words of comfort out for awhile. He did manage to say that I shouldn't feel guilty for hating and loving her. That to deal with her death I should be honest about the kind of person she was. Even if that means admitting that she was a dick sometimes (as am I) Then he asked if i was writing my feelings down somewhere, documenting what i am going through. I told him no. He asked why not and i said because i don't the words anymore to express how i'm feeling. That my expression and emotions are stuck in places i am not able to reach. And he said at a time like this, dealing with everything i'm going through, I should be writing this stuff down instead of fighting my 'words'.

And for a stupid stupid boy who continues to do stupid stupid things and break my heart in the process he has a point. I am not dealing with Marie's death well. I have spent the last year shutting myself off from how fucking traumatic this really is because when the sinking realization of her death sneaks into my mind it beats me up, it takes my breath away, it prevents me from feeling anything except numb. But maybe i do need to talk/write about what i am going through more often. Maybe i do need to see a therapist or attend a support group or something to learn how to cope.

 Because i am not coping well, I find myself acting out, panicking, misbehaving, spiraling because i am not dealing with the fact that my best friend is gone and is never coming back and the plans we made and the future i thought would include her is gone as well. And it's not to say that i'll go home this week and have some profound epiphany about her and my life and i'll be healed of my pain but i do hope in some weird way that i'll have no choice but to face what i've been running from and begin to accept her loss so i can enjoy things again.

I am all packed up and for the most part ready to go tomorrow. I can't stop my heart from pounding though and i still feel very very anxious about going home. But i feel ready at least for the time away from New York to collect my thoughts. I told Kat that I would write daily reflections on grilled cheese (the other blog, i write on sometimes) for her (and Sean) to read while i am away. She is as nervous as I am about the trip because she thinks i'll come back distant and weird. But if anything i just hope i'll come back determined to get better and not feel so overwhelmed by the changes in my life and the loss that is somehow connected to it all.

Playing House.

So I guess I've got some explaining to do.

Last week after Sandy came in went in my neighborhood I went back to Le Sad Store and was disappointed to hear that Sean had reached out to several people on the day of the storm to check in on them.

As usual I was not one of the people he called or texted because I am in that weird position where I am not his friend and not his girlfriend. For the last couple of months this has been a hardening reality as i attempt to befriend this boy because his relationship issue are too complicated for me to comprehend (he doesn't love his gf. but he doesn't want to break up with her because she is a nice girl) and wait around for him to pick me.

So instead i am working on being his friend. We joke around. Make plans to do things and generally like being around each other. We still flirt and cast glances and smirks but i am putting my crush in check because i'd rather lose him as a crush then then not having him in my life at all. And with this boy that seems to be the only two options.

He doesn't know how to stay in touch with people. I don't hear him talk about any friends outside of the ones he's made at work and when he does mention someone from high school or college it's always in past tense. "my best friend from' "this guy i once knew'. His social life consists of family, his gf and work friends and I, being me, am trying to become something different out of the three of these despite my reservations.

I am failing at this because i am still suspended in the crush/friend sway and it's becoming a little heart breaking being his crush because the possibility of 'us' is constantly dangled in front of me but he isn't making the moves and I have yet to reveal the extent of my feelings for him. But being his friend is hard also because i can't be a bro. I get uncomfortable when he talks about chicks or his gf. I don't watch the shows he watches or play the games he's interested in. I have nothing much to contribute because being a bro involves a penis which i (thankfully) lack.

And a huge issue, lately, is that he is only accessible to me AT work. He won't give me his phone number, we don't hang out alone, and during a freaking HURRICANE he checked in with everyone except me. Needless to say I was livid when I finally saw him last Friday. I couldn't understand why of all the people he checked in with, I was not one of them. So I ignored him for the first hour and when i finally talked to him I told him i was pissed at him because i was worried about him and he wasn't about me. He had no comforting words. He said he asked Kat how I was doing when he saw her at work a few days afterwards. That he just assumed I was okay and that he forgot until the last minute that he hadn't called. I rolled my eyes and complained later to my mom that he could have called me and asked how I was doing (once he remembered  instead of reaching out to my friend.

The boy is not bright. Or he's scared. Or he is just inconsiderate. Regardless it's just another Seans an asshole moments

After we made up and he apologized he told me that he's been without power since the storm and that his gf wouldn't let him come over to charge his phone and take a warm shower because she thought it was a bad idea. I held my tongue and  didn't tell him that i think his girlfriend is inconsiderate too. He said that the only good thing about the storm is that a cat displaced by the storm has been hanging out at his house and he's fallen in love. The cat is sweet and tiny (possibly underfed) and has half a tail. He is friendly though and seems to have found a friend in Sean. He of course had pictures and video of the kitty to show me and I said "this is why i want my own place, I really want a cat and a living room and a kitchen!'.

He followed my enthusiasm quickly with "so why don't we get a place together"

ASAYWHAT?! ASAYWHO? WITHMOI?

I laughed and told him he was being crazy but he got very serious and said "no, i'm serious. Why don't we just move in together. My dad is retiring soon and will be home all the time and I can't live with that man any longer. And we'd make really good roommates. Let's move in"

For some reason all my rational thoughts about what he was proposing flew out the window once i saw how serious he was and how excited he seemed at the prospect. I have a weird thing about where i live. I want to make any and every place i rest my head a comfortable, relaxing, oasis to live in. And during the course of this crush I have often thought of what it'd be like to live with Sean because I am a girl and it is what we do. But of course I never considered that the thought has crossed his mind too, even if it is in a non-romantic roommate way.

So i told him a secret i was not suppose to tell anyone.

A co-worker came to me a few weeks ago and asked me if Kat and I was still thinking about moving in together. I told him that we were mulling the idea around but were not actively looking yet. He said that a friend of his who lives in a sweet two bedroom apartment near my house might be moving soon and that if we were still interested he would keep us informed. Not only does this place have 2 bedrooms but it is cheeeeeeap! I pay $200 less right now and all i have to show for is a mini fridge and an extra bed in my room. This apartment is a gem and a rarity in my neighborhood. If is does become available I want to grab it and move in and never leave but Kat's boyfriend wants her to move in with him and I can't pay that rent  by myself soooooo....

I told Sean about the apartment and he said "let's do this. I'm serious. Lets move in together, the moment it becomes available. Please, it'll be awesome". And like a dumb stupid fucking girl I told him 'we should...roomie!'

What the hell is wrong with me. What the hell is wrong with me. I can't move in with this boy (the apartment wouldn't be available til spring anyway, but still). It is the worst idea ever. One, he has a gf. I don't want to create lovenest for them to chill at. Two, i like him. Living with him would drive me crazy because a) i'll either   hate living with him or b) we'll be playing house together in domestic bliss while he just so happens to have a gf. But the last couple of days have been awesome between us because he is treating me like someone who matters in his life.

He spent the afternoon looking at pictures of furniture we would buy to decorate our 'home'. We've created house rules and decided we definitely want to get a cat that he'll let me name (but who will have to share sleeping arrangements with). And while I will at some point have to break it to this boy that us living together is not going to happen as long as he has a girlfriend or as long as we kept playing this stupid game of 'i think i like you. do you like me" it has been nice seeing his excitement over this possibility.

I keep unrealistically thinking that this is how i'll be accessible to him. We'll be roomies, we'll be housemates. He said he'd cook as long as I was okay doing the dishes. We'd get to go grocery shopping together. And at the end of the night, if we closed together at the store, we'd get to leave together and go home. And it's that stupid part of me that has made it impossible to tell him that this isn't going to work.

That I can't live with him not knowing what we are or if we are ever going to be something. I can't create a home for us just so he can bring his gf over and cuddle with or worse to bring other girls over should he decide to break up with her. In my fantasies of living with him it has been because we are dating and it's convenient to live with someone you plan on being with for a while and because we really really want to have a life outside of work together. And because that is not the case, I continue to play into the fantasy of us rooming together despite the constant reality of it smacking me in the face.

I don't know how to get out of this situation. I just hope i figure it out before spring.

For Christ Sakes....

Sean thinks we should get an apartment together.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

More on this later.