Service Order

Best Buy and I are getting to be really good friends.



Today I handed my very sick computer to a geek squad guy who looked like David Byrne. No lie. When he signed the service order D.B, I couldn't help but smile. What if a talking heads member (one of the most influential, I may add) were working on my computer. That to me is worth more than getting it fixed. Okay not really, but it would be funny.



Anyway, back to the computer thing.



It's been a week sans computer and I am surprisingly hanging in there. So yeah, it feels like 1999. When I was 13, and my idea of ever owning a computer was slim. But I am dealing. I have no choice but to. Without the computer I am getting acquainted with things I ditched once I got one. I finished a book. I completed a jigsaw puzzle, I wrote snail mail. SNAIL MAIL.



Because most of my hours are spent on the interweb, I have forgotten how many hours are in a day, and more importantly what I can get done in those hours that for now do not include youtube.



Everyone at work attempted to give me computer advice. EVERYONE. And I listened, nodded my head, patted some backs and praised their techiness. But I must admit, I am not a techy girl. I know your basic 101 skills but then everything else is like rocket science. So even though I heard a million suggestions I had no idea what those suggestions meant.



Josh said he could fix my computer, followed by a guy named Mike who said he could fix it even better than Josh could ever fix it. This was then followed by a ten minute tech conversation about drivers(?) and software and who knew what. I stood there, listening, nodding, and then dreaming of Australia.



In the end, I took it to Best Buy. Yeah it's going to cost me a million bucks. But hey David Byrne is working on my computer and he said it is definitely not the hard drive. Thank God.



Until then, I am stuck at the library again. I miss using the computer in the privacy of my own home.



With all this time on my hand I want to incorporate some more not so computer related activities into my life. 'David' said it would take 7-10 to run a diagnostic and then another 3 to fix whatever the hell is wrong with my computer. So I will be without a working comp for at least 2 weeks. 2 weeks.

Some of you, should expect snail mail. I'm bored.



God this library smells weird. I am all claustrophobic here. I tried to get here earlier (to avoid the crowd) but I had to walk all the way from Best Buy to get here, and that took me about an hour. The library is like some weird comical place where everyone who doesn't have a computer come to converge for an hour out of that day.

I feel, at this moment, as I listen to the best damn french soundtrack in the world, as if I am in a black and white movie. You know the ones that are silent and you see the actor do something, followed by their dialogue written on some cardboard paper. People file into use these things like roaches, and when they are not too busy staring at the computer, realizing it is something man has actually manage to create, they type slow. One finger at a time.

I must get out of here. I will probably get some books. Get some envelopes and start writing. I am really interested in this snail mail thing. I haven't done it actively since I was 14. I use to write (and receive) letters to my childhood friend Linda when I was in middle school. I use to get so excited when I received her letters in the mail.

When I moved to south carolina I always felt like a stranger to my past. I didn't live there anymore, and for some reason I felt like traces of me no longer existed there. But when I use to write her, it was like a reminder in a way that I had once had this life there. With her. In that time. In that age.

Who knows. Maybe i'm being all nostalgic for no reason. But because I don't have a computer I feel like I don't have access to well...to this place which I am attached to.

My time is winding down at the computer. Damn. I'll try to have a more cohesive post next time. I have boy news. Yeah, seriously. Okay by news I mean, there was this boy that I met when I was in south carolina for the summer (so I didn't write about that one. my bad). I bought records from him. He is cute and nerdy, and wears glasses. Anyway, he asked about the other day when my mom stopped into the store without me. My mom said he didn't even wait to say hello to her first, he just sort of blurted out that he hadn't seen me in a while and didn't know how to get in contact. He missed seeing me at the store. WHAT THE FUDGE. He couldn't have said this when I was home.

More on that later. Well, some idiot doesn't have her headphones on the computer. People are giving her the stank face. Me including. I hate this place. Somebody save me. Time to get out of here. The smell is nauseating.

Jay Z ruins everything!

My computer has official died. Or kind of died. Or more aptly, the software has crashed (at this point I hope it is just that). I noticed last week that my USB port was not working on my computer. This only became noticeable when I tried to transfer new songs onto my ipod. At first I thought it was the cord itself. I have had problems in the past with usb wires.

But my math lessons from school paid off. Or maybe that's science lessons. Instead of buying a new usb cord I tried to use the usb port with another device (printer). The same message popped up. That the device could not be located on my computer. I put two and two together that it wasn't the cord it was the port itself. Frustration bound I called best buy, who of course told me that I would have to come in and get a diagnostic test on the computer before they could do anything.

I nixed that idea and instead called Compaq (my computer brand) to better understand the issue. The number that I found (before my computer completely crashed) directed me to a company called IYOGI. I have never heard of this company before. But all of the IT questions located on the Compaq site leaded me there. The first time I called, the sales person blamed my USB problem on me, and then insured me that if I paid him 139.99 that he would fix the problem I had created for myself. I told him, I'd call him back in an hour. I never did.

But then on Friday, my computer completely froze as I was listening to a Dixie Chicks song. I blame you Natalie Maines! I immediately shut my computer down the illegal way, and then tried to restart it. But I got nothing. I mean absolutely nothing. My computer went from working to not working in a matter of seconds. I paced. I wanted to cry. I paced again. I realized I had no pants on and then paced again. I didn't go to sleep that night. I watched my lifeless computer the whole night wondering how I was (am) going to pay to get it fixed.

The next day I called best buy, asked them my computer issue and then decided I would go to them. Yes, it is going to cost me 69.95 to get a diagnostic test and another 129.00 to restart XP (if that is the case) but what am I suppose to do, pay 139.99 for IYOGI to fix it ? Wait. This would be the cheaper alternative. This would save me money. And IYOGI is for a whole year, so if I ever encounter a software related problem I can call them. YEAH!

That's what I thought when I called them up Saturday night. I talked to an okay sales associate who ensured me that I was making the right decision. As he was processing my debit card information, he asked me about my email address. He said it was an interesting name and then I said it was from a band. As I was waiting for him to take the money out of my account he kept asking me information outside of computer related stuff. This made me nervous for some reason.

I still do not know if he was trying to be friendly or what but the moment he started going on a tangent about music I started to get concerned. Who the fuck was I talking to. Where they even a legit company. I didn't have Internet access to check them out, and why was he so interested in talking about Guns N Roses. Not that I am not a fan or anything, but dammit it all to hell if I am forking over 140 bucks to someone I don't know, I want them to kind of be professional. PROFESSIONAL!

The nail in the coffin came when he started talking about Jay-Z, an artist I have no issues with. I have danced to some of his songs myself in my room, but when the guy on the other end said "Jay-Z. Yeah he is the shit!", red flags started raising. I have never had this feeling before. My stomach dropped. For the first time ever, I felt real fear. Maybe I wasn't talking to who I thought I was talking to. I did find this number off the Internet. Maybe the whole thing is a scam and I have just willingly given a person I don't know all of my debit card information. A person who says "Jay-Z" is the shit to a customer.

He knew he made a mistake because then he returned to regular sales person voice. But by then I was all kinds of freaked out, and told him I didn't want to purchase the year insurance to fix my computer. But I got this response from him: "but Beckett, I'm sorry. I've already taken the money out. Too late!". I started freaking out, I hung up the phone and began to dial bank of America, for them to freeze my account. But the moment I hit the number pad on my phone, the phone rang like something out of a scary movie. 'Why did you hang up the phone' the voice yells back at me. Yells!

"Who the hell are you people!" I yell back, repeating that he just said Jay-Z was the shit. Before he can utter another word I say "your supervisor. NOW!". He transfers me to a manager who seems pretty appalled by the agents un-professionalism and ensures me that this will never happen again. But I am livid. I feel violated. And I want my motherfucking money back.

Of course, I then spent the next 2 days! on the phone with these people, explaining why I want my money back. The answers ranged from 'we don't give refunds' to 'call this number'. I was on hold a total of 12 hours, spoke to about 12 people, and cursed out 2 managers.

Today I woke up and my money is back in my account. I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was. I have won the battle! I am all bruised and worn out, but dammit I have my money back. But my computer still doesn't work and taking it to best buy is going to cost me a pretty penny. A pretty penny. I can't afford this. I have rent to pay, and this week is another 3 days of work. Now it's time to beg my mom to help me out with this. Yeah, I'm working the mom angle on this one.

If it is the software it will cost me 129.00, if it is the hard drive (please don't let it be that), it will cost me 80+50+129.00 dollars. which is 2X the amount I want to pay. Please be the software, purty please.

I will be away from the computer for awhile. I hate coming to the library. But will try to at least until my computer works. Fingers crossed. I'll need it.

Yeah, Well You're Pissing Me Off Too!

There is some upcoming drama in the air. Yikes.



I no longer have a crush on McAbs. There are several reasons this crush thing fizzled out. 1) He has a girlfriend. I know this has not stopped me before (from crushing, nothing more) but for some reason this has deterred me from him. 2) He's domineering and aggressive. Which is all good in those trashy romance books I read, but in real life, it can be annoying and dumb. 3) out of crushing on him, he is a guy of a million promises and no follow through. He has offered me rides home in the past weeks and then gone back on his words. That microwave he said he could get me, well that didn't pan out. He said he had to give it to someone else.

And then....Sunday he asked me if I wanted a cat. McAbs is huge on cats. I think he likes them more than I do. He is a Leo, and he takes that astrological sign to heart if he knows it or not. I have seen him in the presence of feline friends and he dissolves from being McAbs to something else. He is patient and soothing as he calls the animal towards him, and before you know it there the stray comes, tentative and lost, but towards him as if she knows he will take care of her. It was the most bizarre (and hot) thing I have ever seen.

So I was flattered when he came to me with a cat dilemma. Seems like his sister got a stray a couple of weeks ago. The cat is gentle and sweet and couldn't hurt a fly. Well it could but only because it's a cat. Unfortunately she cannot keep the cat, and McAbs can't keep it but he doesn't want the cat to go to a shelter. He knew that I was a previous cat owner and that he's 'known me for nine months' and that I couldn't hurt a fly. I mean I could but only because I don't like bugs.

He was on his knees (cleaning something) and I was standing above him, dreaming of his abs and muscles. He came to me because I am good with pets. And I am a good person. And I could name him jack like my favorite person in the whole entire world. I told him that I would have to think about it. I mean I just moved into a new place which isn't entirely my own. I can't afford a cat. I barely can afford to feed myself. But I would see if my landlady (who has cats) would want another in the litter.

'i'm not giving her the cat. I want you to have it. What do you say?". I'm a girl, his muscles distracted me. I didn't say no, but I sure as hell didn't say yes. I had to think it over, because I do want a cat. But can I afford one now? Would the landlady agree to have another cat in her home? Where would the cat sleep? Eat? Do it's cat business?

By the time I got home, I concluded that though I would love to have a cat, I can't have one now. I am in no position to take care of another living being. When I get a cat. I want it to be able to have space to roam, and sleep, and do it's cat things. I don't want to have it secluded to one room.

The next day I told the janitor that I couldn't have a cat. My landlady already has three, I live in a room, and it just wouldn't work. I sort of swung the landlady angle a lot more than my own 'I'm broke' truth. He asked if he could talk to the landlady about the cat. I told him it wouldn't do him any good because she speaks a little English. He asked me about her native language. And when I say Portuguese his face lights up. His sisters husband is Portuguese (great) and he can talk to her (even better). I say I don't know. I mean I still can't have a cat. I'm broke. broke. but he doesn't hear this or doesn't want to.

A couple of days ago he sent me a text about the cat situation. That I should call him ASAP. But I was out. I was having an okay social time with a friend. I didn't want to drop what I was doing, call him to talk about a cat I don't want. So I didn't call back. And I haven't heard from him since.

We work together on Saturday and I know he is going to be pissed. I have the scene in my head. He is going to come in on Saturday, give me a piss face, and then display his anger out on me until I go home. He is expecting me to fell sorry or guilty or worse. But you know what he should have never put me inn that position. I never said I wanted that cat. I said I wanted A cat in the near future. But not today. And maybe I wasn't clear about that, but I asserted the whole "i live in a room. One room. In a house. How could I take care of a cat"

I needed a microwave. I needed a ride home that night it was pouring outside. I don't need a cat. Sure I want one. I would love to have one. But right now, it was the dumbest thing I could do (outside of having a crush on a dude because he has nice muscles). And I sort of want him to be all pissy with me on Saturday (away from the managers of course) because you know what I am going to be pissy back. He shouldn't have made me Joan of the Cats. He shouldn't have expected me to pull him out of a jam, especially if that could jeopardize my current living situation.

I am not looking forward to Saturday. He thinks he has me all figured and maybe he does. But I won't let him make me feel like the wrongdoer in this. I just have to remember this on Saturday, when he pulls me aside to talk.

'Everything Was'

MixCd Extravaganza has unfortunately come to an end. I received my last cd's this Monday and I have been over the moon since.



I must admit, I have been waiting for this one most of all. Frogboots has been with from the very beginning. Since I admitted my bouts with depression, fell in and out of love with Art Boy, had to deal with crazy Katherine and her 'worst friend in the world' status, when I changed my major (several times), when I started therapy and toyed with the idea of prescription drugs, when Danny died....



This blog has been a place of refuge for the last four years. Hence the whole unwillingness to break the fourth wall. I talk (and will continue to talk) about every aspect of my life here. I didn't intended to do this, but it happened, and it kept happening and here we are today...



Once again this mixcd thing was just suppose to be fun. A way to say thanks, or hi, or maybe to break the fourth wall down a little. But I never expected the cd's that I received. They are all very personal, intimate and I hear all of your voices in them. Every cd that I received I opened with care, and then ripped the cd jacket open to get a sneak peek into yours lives. Into what you listen to, or what you knew I would like.



And then on Monday, I heard that sound again. Of a package being dropped off in front of me room. I waited a few minutes, dumped my book on the floor and held the package in my hand for a while. A long while.



I snapped a picture of the contents with my camera, and then tore into my suprise. There were two cd's, two playlists wrapped in tissue paper, and a note with my name. How I love me some notes. Especially ones that come from a sincere place.



Both cd's are distinct. One is filled with songs of wonder, excitement, optimism. The other one is quieter. The songs are delicate, soft, and filled with a tinge of optimism. I can't help but think that each song represents the four years of 'everything was'. Of our friendship.



I made sure to listen to each track closely. I didn't want to miss a thing. Not one. I wanted to make sure I was hearing what R.E.M was saying, and Jeff Buckley, and the cast from Glee. I wanted to hear it all, so that I could hear her and dammit all to hell Frogboots I got all weepy. Especially here:

'I have seen you in various stages of undress.I have seen you through various states of madness.I have seen your refractions and I did not recognize you.I have seen you in various states of madness'.


I don't have a lot of friends. I have people that I hang out with, I have people that I want to hang out with, and then I have people who know who I am. And there aren't too many of those.


You are one of my dearest friends. You know me better than Marie at this point. I don't know how you did it, but the songs are lovely. They are raw and unflinching and painfully honest. They are me. Every last note. And I think they are you. Every last note.


Thank you. Thank You. Thank You. I don't know how you did it. How you knew. But thank you. I adore you. Thank you.

And again thank you Mary Poppins, who introduced me to some awesome Canadian bands! And who has me addicted to that damn Bon Iver song.

And to Jon. Jon, whose cd's I listen to on a regular basis. The songs have lodged themselves in my head and every time I listen to a track it means something completely different than it did before. By itunes count, I have listened to 'One Time Too Many' 41 times. Damn. I literally love everyone song.

I don't think my cd's did justice in comparison. But I hope they moved you in some way. I hope.

Thank you.

.

perfection.

You Can't Use Me.

Last night I let a co-worker spend the night in my room.

It's not what you thing. I did not succumb to McAbs muscles and take him to bed. I am not like that. Though today I did find out that he wants to be a firefighter, which raised his hotness factor to about an 11. Oh, those arms were made for putting out fires. damn.

Anyway. Remember the whole, hanging out with that girl from Jenn thing. Yeah? I think that might have been a mistake. I am a very nice girl. Most people mistake my niceness for gullibility because: I'm 'from' the south, I'm a little naive, I laugh a lot, and I try to get along with people. For some reason this smells of 'doormat', and I have spent a lifetime running into and avoiding people who want to take advantage of me.

Because of this, I go into relationships hesitantly. I am NOT a people pleaser, but I do like to take care of the people I love. I'm nurturing in that way, sue me. So the other day I get a call from Jenn at 9:30 at night. I think that she is calling because she wants to get drinks or something. But she doesn't.




She is in school and lives in an apartment style dorm. For some reason she assumed her dorm was going to be open during Christmas break. That day at work she came in all excited because she thought she was going to have the apartment all to herself. She made plans to get something to eat, watch a movie, and then lounge. Of course, when she got to her dorm she was shocked to find the whole building locked up. Her dorm was not going to be open during the holidays, she didn't get the memo.



She lives in Brooklyn, but works here in town because she goes to school here. She didn't want to go home because then she wouldn't make any money over the holidays. She thought she could room with another co-worker during the 3 week break. But said co-worker lives with three other people and after a week they were not cool with a free loader in their house. Apparently vegans are very territorial and after a while they were not feeling Jen as a guest in their fabulous apartment who was trying to be affable in order to mask the freeloading.


Said co-worker is a traveler. And she had made plans to spend the last week of her vacation in California. Jenn thought this meant that she could stay in her apartment until she got back. Her vegan roommates were against this, Co-worker was against this, and after pondering this for a while, I am against that plan too. She was given the boot by the friendly vegans, and has spent the better part of the week sleeping on people's couch.

When she called, she wanted to know if she could spend the night in my house (i guess it was my turn). Because you know, I have a place of my 'own' now, a place 'big enough' for two people. She used the excuse 'i feel we are good enough friends for me to ask you'. What could I say? I hate having people in my room. In therapy when I had to draw the house of anxiety, the bedroom was the one place NO ONE was allowed in. The room was located on a floor that only I had access to. And you couldn't get in without direct invitation.

But what was I suppose to do. It's freaking 10 degrees here, and she had a closing and open shift (clopen). I too had a clopen and the idea didn't seem soooo bad because she would just be there to sleep. Right? The whole night I regretted saying yes. But I couldn't make up an excuse after the saying 'yeah why not'.

The actual 'sleepover' was fine and dandy. We got home late, talk about boys, and then passed out to the sound of that damn wind again. When she woke up, she complained that the hard wood floor was uncomfortable (i just moved in!) and that 'co-worker' lived way closer to work than i did.

I was a little annoyed with this, but she left soon after and all was returned to normal. But I think because I let her stay over she believes that she can get me to do other things for her. She works in cafe. She hates the cafe, and we all know it. But she agreed to go up there in light of the managers cross training initiative. Now, she doesn't want to be up there anymore but the managers see no point in bringing her back onto the book floor.

She apparently went to another manager today and complained about being in cafe. The manager said if she could find someone on the book floor to trade places with her than she could get back on the book floor. And guess who she came too because 'we are good enough friends for me to ask you this one favor'. I just stared at her like she was out of her mind. I have made no attempt to EVER train in cafe, and I have only hung out with her twice (including last night).

I may have given her the stank face, I may have told her that there is 'no way in hell' I would ever give up my job on the book floor so she doesn't have to be up there. Then she asked me how sure I was about not being up in cafe. She was like "on a scale from one to te-" But I didn't even let her finish. She was so serious about it, I wanted to stop her before I said something stupid. I believe she had it in her mind that I would agree to change places with her up in cafe. That I could not say no because I am too nice.'You must have gotten the wrong impression' is all I could come up with, but it was marred in snark. Marred in it.

Who does she think she is? I am peeved. So peeved, I want to clean my room of her aura. That ended even before it started. Not to bummed out about that one, but peeved none the less because I believe she tried to manipulate me in order to help herself out.

Adding to the Mix....

I got another mix cd today (thanks MaryPoppins)!

This musical extravaganza turned out amazing. I have been inside all day, reading The Hunger Games ( I took a break. negative utopia tales are daunting. even in the YA genre) and I heard the sound of a package being dropped off in front of my room. Like a twelve year ago, I waited a couple of minutes than ran to get my package.

The package turned out to be a gift. The gift turned out out be a mix cd, with a pretty silver cover and a a cd booklet. But more importantly on the back of the cd is note. A hand written one. I love hand written notes!

I've been listening to the cd ever since (jeff buckley, do I need to say more). My day has been perfect.

As the mixcds roll in, I am completely overwhelmed by everyone's musical taste and the conscious effort to make each cd a unique one.

I'm feeling a little loved here. I must admit. And I love having you all in my ears. Is that a weird sentence. Probably.

I have added cover art to each playlist. For some reason, I have been using Kurt Halsey images for each mixcd. This is the one I used for MaryPoppins. It seemed fitting.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Stop Being Such A...Girl

Marie is planning to visit me in New York sometime in march.

I do not know how I feel about this. She is my best friend in the whole entire world, and I am excited about her coming to New York. I don't think Marie has ever see the northeast. I mean she lived in Florida until she was 6, then moved to South Carolina where she lived until she was 22, and now she lives in north Carolina. She wanted to move to Wisconsin once (seriously I can't even remember that one as a state most times) but she stayed in the south, just because.

I love Marie to death, but she is not every one's cup of tea. She is brash, assertive, and has to be right even when she is wrong. Everyone hated her in high school because she would argue just to argue. In AP English she would take a stance on a subject that everyone was opposed to just because everyone was opposed to it.

By proxy, because she was hated in school, I was hated. No one could understand why we were friends. It was almost like "you are nice, and friendly but why the hell are you hanging out with her...maybe you aren't all nice...too late we hate you to now". Oh, high school.

The last year has been hard for her. Well, by hard I mean she graduated college, moved to north carolina and has no one to talk to. I feel bad for her. I Do. But, when she talks about how lonely she is in north carolina I can't help but want to say 'well,now you know how I felt in school'. This is petty I know, but sometimes she will talk about our relationship in college as if we were as close as were are now. That was not the case. She was dating the boy, and hanging out with her friends, and going on ski trips. I hung out with mike. We ate sandwiches at subway. I went to therapy.

It wasn't the same for me. We talk almost everyday now, but in school we talked once a month, and during those conversations she only talked about her boyfriend, or her amazing friends, or how awesome her school was! She never really asked about how I was doing, and to be honest I never really had the chance to.

So of course, I am less than sympathetic when she talks about being lonely n north carolina. ONLY because she equates loneliness to not having a boyfriend. She is convinced that if she had a guy it would make her situation less...sad. And this is coming from a girl who is the least girly person you would ever meet. Up until she got a boyfriend, everyone (excluding me) thought she was gay, only because people steretyped how she dresses, talks, and behaves (she likes hiking, and football)

And now, she calls me everyday, going on and on about not having a guy to occupy her time. I don't need to go into the demise of her first and only relationship with The Boy. But I think, because this was her first relationship and in all honesty she didn't think she would have one, he consumed her whole life. She got him a job at her job, she got him an apartment downstairs from hers, they had classes together, shared the same friends...it was insane. And when the broke up, he still worked with her, still lived downstairs, still shared the same friends.

It's weird talking to her on the phone, because my wants right now are so different from hers. I would like to have a boy to hang out with too , sometimes I get a case of the 'lonelies' but for the most part I am trying to sort through so many other things those are on the bottom of my list right now.

She called me the other day, with her sad voice, because the only person she knows in north carolina, has a girlfriend now. This was after he tried to befriend her months early and maybe casually date her. She turned him down though, and established a 'friends only' barrier. But now that he has a girlfriend she finds herself wanting to occupy all of his time. "he hasn't called me in two days" "should I call him" "maybe I should need another message".

I was beyond myself with aggravation, and I told her to stop being such a girl. Maybe he's just busy, maybe he is going out with his girlfriend, maybe he just doesn't feel like talking. Maybe she should start doing something about being lonely other than trying to snag some guy who has a girl because she didn't show any interest when he was single. She got really quiet after that. But it's the truth.

I mean one of the only reason she talks to me is because she doesn't have anyone else too. A part of me knows that the moment she aquires this boyfriend or friend I wil be pushed into the back burner again. Just like when we were in school.

She is planning a trip up here in march. But I fear that her real motive for coming is because she wants to inject herself into the small social life I have established here. She wants to meet McAbs, and hang out with Jenn and crap like that. But as with most things, I plan on keeping her as distant from those aspects of my life as possible, not because I want to but just because I have to. In order to establish a fine line between what her friendship means to me but also what the friends I have acquired her mean to me.

If she does decide to come, I imagine it will be a mixture of fun and stress. But she hasn't set any dates yet.

Time to read. I closed last night, and clocked in about six hours of sleep last night. I plan on reading (and maybe finishing) The Hunger Games today, listening to my ipod and eating pringles. I enjoy my life some days.

Days Go By...

I have four days off of work this week. Yikes!



Yesterday, I hung out with a girl from work. We went window shopping, stopped at the supermarket and then hung out at her temporary apartment for a few minutes. Then she came along with me to the library where I added an extra 6 books to the 7 I had at home (I returned those today. I am really addicted to the library).



Today I plan on reading some of those books, lounging in some cute slippers I found and maybe getting some writing down. I have the time to do it. So why not. The part of me that doesn't like all of this time off is worried about my paycheck next week. 3 days aren't much. My manager is an idiot and for the next couple of weeks I will have hours and then not have hours. The part of me that does like all this time off is excited because of the books I get to read, the movies I get to watch, and the sleep I get to have.



I am trying to swing in some more social aspects to my life. I am loner. I have no problem admitting this. I don't like being alone, but dammit if I don't relish in some time by myself. When I don't have to be anyone else but me.



But there comes a point in everyone loner's life, where you worry about being alone. When all you have to look forward to is nothing, because you don't have anyone to share things with. I am still struggling with anxiety. I sometimes feel like it is just in remission and that there will always be the possibility that it will come back hard core.



I am ultra guarded about my life. Or rather, some insecurities about it (and me) that I can't shake. It's weird. I can make friends, I can maintain relationships, but I always feel like I am holding something back from the people who want to know who I am. I only feel like a handful of people have a true sense of who I am (my mom and marie) and despite the positive feedback I get from them about who I am and what I mean to them, I resist being as fully present to other people as much as I am to those two



But currently this is preventing me from making any real connections to the people I come in contact with. Especially the ones who want to get to know me. This particular girl from work has been asking me to hang out for a while. She, Jenn, was the one who invited me to the hotel party for New Years Eve. I didn't go, only because I thought Josh, the one throwing it ,should have invited me. Turns out he did invite me. He asked Jenn who had my number, to ask me to come because we hadn't seen me at work in a while (different shifts) and couldn't ask me in person. But the way she asked me on the phone made it seem like she wanted me to come because she didn't want to go by herself.

The next day he came in to work a little pissed at me. "where were you last night" was the first thing he asked me. And then I relayed the whole "i didn't want to be a party crasher. I wasn't sure who was inviting me to the party" thing to him. "why wouldn't I invite you. we're friends, but i wasn't sure if I had your right number so I asked jenn to ask you to come".

My bad. How was I suppose to know.

I have to make it up to him. I told him the next party he has I will come, and be all excited about being there. Though Jenn, totally fudge up the party invite, I still wanted to hang out with her because she has been asking for a while and I like Jenn. I don't want her to think that i don't, just because I am not much of a hanger outer. Marie explains it the best: It's getting me out of the house that is the problem. It can be a challenge, but after that I'm fine.

So yesterday I spent the better part of my day off hanging with her. It was fun. I was exhausted when I came back home and did my usual crash and burn thing. But then I couldn't go to sleep the rest of the night, I contemplate getting rid of my nap hour (2-3). It is sort of affecting my sleep at night.

Today will be more like my usual day off. I returned those damn books to the library (like seriously, who checks out 15 books!), then to target for food, and now I am home in bed (shit there goes that getting rid of my nap thing).I enjoy not having any place to be today. I don't have to wake up at a specific time to head to work, or to the mall, or someplace like that. I hate not making the money but for now I am going to enjoy these days to myself. I miss them.

Bed Time

Closing was horrible tonight. Two people called out sick. The new girl Tiffany, who we all hate, (maybe because she's gorgeous. Definitely because she is a bitch) got into an altercation with a customer while she was at the cash register, and and was sent home early. Like 3 hours early. Lets just say she displayed said bitchness to a customer and he went directly to our MOD (manager on duty) and went all ape shit.

He kept calling Tiffany a 'snot nose' ( who uses that any more) and that he would go to corporate to make a complaint. I am sad, not really, to say that this may be the last of Tiffany. Once a customer requests a termination via corporate, the managers really don't have a choice. After the customer went on a 10 minute tirade about 'snot nose', the MOD pulled Tiffany off of the cash register, took her to the back and sent her home early. This means that we closed with two booksellers, two cafe people, and a manager. What the fudge.

I hate closing. After these late shifts, no matter how tired I feel, I have this weird energy that prevents me from sleeping. Because I can't sleep I eat. But then my stomach is all "you just ate something, you don't think I am going to let you sleep, right? ". I mean it's 12:30 right now, my feet hurt, my eye lids are heavy, and I want nothing more but to crawl under the covers and sleep. But I can't. And I won't and the sandwich that I have in the fridge is calling my name. And because I know I have a day off tomorrow, I will not only sleep in late but I will sleep all day. If I can.

I have no hours this week. The holidays are over, which means the hours are sparse and the stress starts to set in. I have become the wage whore I never wanted to be. Because I am clocking in 3 days this week (and one on-call shift) I have started to work on my resume, since I need to make more money and my job sucks. A year out of college, and the old resume just isn't doing it anymore. So yesterday I started fiddling with the format, finding the right words and sentiment to put on the page, and so far this thing is looking really good.

With the time I have off this week, I see it as the perfect opportunity to fill out some job applications while I wait for word (any time Max) on the Nonion internship. I have nothing better to do. Maybe I should try getting some sleep first though. Yeah, sleep. My bed is really warm, my pajama pants are somewhere and I am done with tonight and all of it's craziness.