Le (Pre) Birthday Plans.

Omg. My birthday is tomorrow.

I am actually very excited about turning 25. I feel good about it for some reason. The age feels right.

I started celebrating on Saturday. The gifts my mom sent me arrived this weekend and 'we' both saw no reason for me to wait until Tuesday to open them. Okay i begged a little but she agreed. And I scored big time folks. I already knew I was getting a new digital camera but actually using the thing has been amazing. It's a Canon SX and I am still learning the features. It's a heavy beast of a camera but damn it all to hell it's amazing. I can't stop myself from snapping pictures.

Along with the camera I got a cd, itunes gift card, a stuffed frog (i'm obsessed with frogs) and camera accessories; including a tripod which I have wanted ever since I got my first digital camera 5 years ago (when i turned 20!).

Tomorrow I plan on going to the MET and then Magnolia's (a cupcake shop located in the village). Despite the cloudy skies today and the rain that continues to fall from them, tomorrow is going to be sunny. Chilly but sunny. A perfect day to get lost in a garden.

I'm excited that this year I have taken my birthday activities in my own hands. Last year I sulked and cried, the year before I sulked for the better part of the day, but my spirits were lifted by the aunt and baby cousin who sang me happy birthday to beautifully decorated cupcakes my aunt bought on her way home. We then ate Italian food and watched America's Funniest Home movies. It was stellar.

This year I made the decision that sulking is not allowed. While I am still broke as hell, I wanted to spend some time in the city; where I feel all sorts of inspired and lovely. So tomorrow is my day for picture taking and food consumption. And of course I will post the pictures as soon as possible.

I've gotten slack from a few co-workers who do not understand the whole 'spending my birthday' alone thing. Evan gave me a concerned look when I told him about my plans, as if I am the only person to do so. Kat seemed more pissed than concerned. On Friday, after reading one of my facebook posts about impending plans, she gave me a 'have a great birthday' hug and then said 'i hope one day you let people into your awesomeness instead of shutting them out'.

Ouch.

To be completely fair, no one has offered an alternative to my plans. Not once have I heard 'maybe we can go to the movies or a bar or out to eat' that day. Birthday's are weird. You are allowed to spend them with close friends and family but how do you spend them with people in the middle. For the most part I adore the people I work with, they make working in retail that much easier. And while we grab burgers together, see crappy movies and play video games at one anothers place, I wouldn't say they are close friends. Friends yes, but close friends not really.

And I don't want to burden any of them with the specialness that is my birthday. I don't want them to feel obligated to treat me to a good time when they don't know me that well. And I sure as hell don't want to do what i did last year: putting such high expectations for them to just remember my birthday yet alone devise plans for the big 25!

So yeah, spending the day at museum and a cupcake shop seems like a loner thing to do but I love going to museums, and taking pictures, and eating. I am content when I get to do nerd things by myself. And feeling responsible for my own happiness on the day I was born is fitting.

No one can take that away from me.

Don't get me wrong I am a tad bit nervous. I want tomorrow to be amazing. I don't want to feel blue or lonely. I wish my mom were here to spend the day with me. Or even, I wish i did have a close enough friend to explore the city with. But what I have learned since moving here almost three years ago is that I am responsible for every aspect of my life here. Including that thing called happiness.

So, Birthday Extravaganza tomorrow. I have my cardigan and striped shirt ready to be worn. I am exploring the camera features so that I can get some great shots tomorrow and I have a sandwich shop and cupcake place picked to eat at.

Tomorrow, is not about job hunting. Or life worrying. Boy troubling or anxiety feeling. It's going to be a day of complete, lovely happiness in a medieval garden where like a knight from all those medieval tales i read, I will emerge not new but stronger, more resilient and ready to join the world again after conquering the quest I needed to embark on.

Can't get any better than that.

Field Trip.

I'm going to the MET on my birthday. I am very excited about this.

I will not repeat the depressive birthday that was last year. I literally walked around town aimlessly and sad. I went to the library, bought cheesecake and then sulked in my room. I'm very good at sulking.

Despite being ultra broke, stressed about broke, and tired I will get on the train early Tuesday morning on way to the MET where I will lose myself in art and a medieval garden. There is a medieval garden ya'll.

The longest paper I ever wrote in school was a 20 page exploration of medieval gardens and the Arthurian medieval quest. It was flipping stellar. The quest for knights always take place in the wilderness, on the outskirts of the medieval court. There among the rejects of 'proper society' men are forced to encounter the strangeness of nature and it's inhabitants to fully emerge a noble knight (because it follows the same sort trope of my final girl/horror movie obsession).


I look forward to getting lost in a garden.

I've taken on a babysitting gig this week that is pretty much paying for my trip to the city. The kids have a mid-winter break and my landlady asked if I could watch her nine year old daughter, Nicole on Tuesday and Thursday. In the renting a room department I am the luckiest girl in New York. My brazilian landlady is amazing. It literally feels like home here. I've eaten dinner with Nicole and her mom, celebrated small holidays with them and exchanged cultural inquiries that have resulted in her baking Brazilian sweets for me.


Nicole is an inquisitive, boy crazy pre-pre teen. She loves Justin Bieber and singing. She is an emotional girly girl who talks very quickly, so much that words blend in a very cute way. The time I have spent with her, outside of babysitting, have been pleasant and eye opening. Kids these days know a lot more than I did at nine. And I am not saying this is a weird "when i was your age..." way

It's just a fact. 10 years ago phones, musical devices and even the computer were simpler. At 15 I didn't have a cell phone or a computer. I was still carrying around a cd player which I didn't even think to bring to school. The only electronic I had with me at all times was the $100 calculator my mom had to buy for school. I was a dead chick if I lost that thing.


Now though, toddlers are working Ipad's and carrying around real phones. They are using apps and listening to music on mp3 players. They are engaged to a world that I had no idea about at 9. Or 13. Or even 16. It's a whole new ballpark.

So I was nervous. Very nervous about taking on this babysitting gig. I've hung out with her on small occasions before but never for 8 hours. And never by myself. Sure, I've babysat my cousins before but babysitting your family is easier. The thought of babysitting someone else's kid nearly incited an anxiety attack. For $150 bucks though and only two days of having to babysit her (tomorrow being the last day) I put anxiety behind me.

And I must say Day 1 went well. She was a little frantic when she thought her mom left without saying goodbye. She seemed generally upset and nervous (her mom hadn't left yet though, she was waiting downstairs). After that small concern we ate breakfast in the kitchen and talked about school. I took her to the movies to see Gnomeo and Juliet in 3D, bought her hot chocolate and then made pizza for her when we got home. We spent the rest of the day dancing to youtube videos and of course, talking about Justing Beiber.


Youtube is uncensored for the most part, which I forgot about, so I spent a lot of my time muffling curse words with a cough.


I also spent a lot of time explaining phrases she was 'curious' about.

Gwen Stefani-Hollaback Girl

Nicole: Hollaback girl?


Me: It's a girl....who....um, let's people treat her badly. So this girl (gwen stefani) is saying "i'm not going to let you treat me like i am nothing"


Nicole: Cool.


Rihanna-Only Girl (In the World)

Nicole: What does she mean when she says she wants to be "the only girl in the world"


Me: Um...it's like when you...um....like a boy at school and you want him to....you know...be interested in you. Not anyone else.


Nicole: Oh.


The funniest commentary came during the taylor swift video for Back To December. For some reason Taylor is sitting in a room and it begins to snow inside her freaking house:

Me: This video is weird.

Nicole: And the guy who fixed her roof did a really bad job. It's snowing inside her house. That's not suppose to happen right?

Me [Muffling a laugh]: No, no.

Nicole [profound excited realization about video]: maybe!!!!!..... the cute boy in the video is the roof guy and that is why she dumped him. Because he didn't fix her roof.

Me: Hey, you're right...

All in all it went well. So I had to listen to some not so great music all day but I didn't burn the house down. I'm babysitting tomorrow and we are planning on baking brownies. She really wants brownies. I'm going to buy a magazine or two tonight so that we can take dumb quizzes about boys and life.


The money I get from babysitting will help a lot. I have yet to hear anything back from potential employers and the dream opportunity with a literary agency never panned out ( i sent a stellar application two weeks ago but now the position has been taken down from the job posting site). Money is tight these days, despite wanting to buy new clothes and shoes. So any money helps, especially now.

In a few days I will not only be 25 but also the owner of a new digital camera thanks to my mom. It's a Canon SX, which has amazing features and a flash attachment that makes me nerd heart thump. Expect lots of pictures!

I rarely take days to splurge on myself so this trip to the museum means a lot. I am excited on all fronts. The fact that there is a museum open on Tuesday for me to go to, the medieval garden which i hope is as awesome as i think it will be, and the quiet introspection that will inspire me in some way.

Everyone here seems concerned of my isolated plans, but no one has really offered an alternative worth pursuing. It's all "you are going to hang out by yourself on your birthday....that sucks...." But this is something I simply want to do. When I have the people here to celebrate future birthdays with it will be amazing. Until then I will take celebrating my special day in my own hands. And who knows me more than me right.

Saturday Mornings.

I don't have to be at work today until 6pm. It's sort of a weird Saturday shift for me but I am enjoying the silence of this Saturday morning.



In my family, Saturday and Sunday mornings are huge. When I was a kid i spent them watching cartoons or Save by the Bell with my brother and cousins. We'd eat apple cinnamon waffles with loads of syrup before getting dressed to head to the park and play tag.



When I was a preteen, I spent Saturday mornings with my mom and brother. We usually found a way into her room where she would listen to music on the first stereo system we ever got. We'd dance with brooms and controllers as microphones to top 40 hits and jazz.



In south carolina, we spent Saturday mornings in the living room. My brother stopped participating in the Saturday morning sessions and it just became a time for my mom and I to connect. We'd surf the TV for programs we wanted to watch later on that day while discussing books and potential trips to a thrift store.



In college Saturday mornings were lonelier. A little more quiet. But I'd find the strength to get out of bed, brush my teeth and hair, dance and head off to take pictures when the weather was cloudy and moody enough.

Saturday mornings meant the campus was empty of students running to class so I'd take the time to visit the art building or the Horeshoe; the big stretch of land where people read books and had picnics. I'd grab a cookie from my favorite coffee shop and then back to my dorm before the masses awoke.



My Saturday's now are a little more hectic. I usually work the weekends and spend the morning dreading work. My Saturdays especially feel less treasured and special and more anxious and...crowded.



Today however, as I woke up to the wind knocking on my window and pleasant dreams about England, my Saturday felt like my Saturday again. I woke up, danced and twirled in my room, ate breakfast in really warm pajamas and found myself in the arms of a good read.



More Saturday mornings need to be like this. They are few to none these days. And I was more than happy to see on the schedule that I have next Saturday off. You couldn't find a more happier girl right now.

I am counting down the days as we speak. It is going to be lovely.

~Becks

Oh, and I think I've decided to go to the Moma on my birthday. Well, the day after because every museum seems to take a day off on Tuesdays. I had the best time at the Moma with my mom a few years back and I wouldn't mind getting lost there. Plus I have an outfit all picked out. 25 is going to be awesome!

Alrighty Then.

Waking up today with no foreseeable plans outside of reading a book and finishing the other half of the subway sandwich I bought yesterday is going to be awesome.




The last few days have been busier than I like. And not because I went on a few awesome interviews in the city. I'm still holding out for that.





Le Sad Store is once again short staffed which means I sometimes offer to cover shifts when people call out or are hungover. I usually have Tuesdays and Thursdays off (which I designate Me days) but because of hours being slashed I now have Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays off.





Despite money woes I do not mind having three days off. Last week it allowed me to churn out some pretty amazing cover letters to potential employers. I will get a better job. I have no doubt about that (well..sometimes i am doubtful but only because I doubt everything). What I may lack in grace, balance and general upkeep (it's nine, my room is a mess and I still have no idea where my pants are. seriously) I am not a complacent person.





Anxiety is working in my favor job wise. At Le Sad Store you can end up working there for years because it's a comfortable gig. If you have to work in retail Le Sad Store is not a terrible place. The people are nerdy, the hours are flexible, and we spend more time talking to each other than to customers. Don't get me wrong when it sucks it sucks hardcore but it's not the worst place to work.





However, I am a person who will never be comfortable. I am antsy and always on the search for something better. This isn't a healthy way of living. I know this but in regards to getting a better job it's the way of thinking that is driving me to get the hell out of retail.





Until that job gets here though I am slaving away at the store. Monday was Valentine's Day (a holiday I generally adore because of free candy) and everyone was in a bad mood. I completely understand that Valentine's Day is just a campy consumer holiday. I get it. But to spend the whole day sulking and expressing your hate of the holiday is only validating pint up disappointment with it,

It's just a day. An ordinary day and I have no problem participating in the cheesy aspect of it. My mom sent me a valentine's day box (which she does every year) filled with goodies galore. A candy filled bear, The Killers Cd, Garden State and new red chuck taylors! Every year we have made Valentine's day into family day and the box she sent me was awesome.





So needless to say I was in a great mood. Then I get to work where Kat is sulking because she hates valentine's day (despite the boyfriend she never pays attention too). Josh is all sour face because the girl of his dreams (up in cafe) has a boyfriend she will be spending valentines day with and my friend up at the cash register complained the whole night about his girlfriend.





Thanks Guys.





During Kat's "I hate valentine's day" rant she said admitted that Pretty Ricky was starting to get on her nerves. Pretty Ricky, hot preacher guy, recently got married and his thoughts these days are only on his wife. I mentioned the Pretty Ricky, virginal preacher, new attitude towards woman thing to my mom and with the eloquence of Jackie Kennedy she said "he's different because he finally got laid Beckett. Vagina can change a man". God, I love my mom.





Kat says that Pretty only talks about his wife now and complains that Kat is too negative about things (true). I said I never heard him say anything negative about her being negative and like a complete bitch she said "well it's because he actually considers me a friend, unlike some people. That's why he wouldn't come to you". Alright then. Sorry. Go ahead and sulk I don't care anyone.





That night couldn't have ended any quicker after that comment, but Evil Manager asked me if I could come in on my day off to cover a mid shift. Like a true broke person I said I could and spent all four hours of my shift on Tuesday sulking. Now remember that the day before most of the staff was in a bad mood, and I being patient listened to them bitch.





The moment I come in, a little bit down and eager to leave, everyone says I am being too moody and sullen. WTF?!





The shift wasn't that bad and I didn't curse anyone out but it messed with my whole Tuesday routine which I had to do on Wednesday. Needless to say yesterday was a long busy day of running errands and hair appointments. I spent most of the day in the Bronx because the only person who can tame my hair is a hairdresser named Nicole. I spent a good four hours there (3 of them spent waiting) but am happy with the results. Still short but cute. Then I hit up the library for a handful of books and a DVD.



Today is the first day in a week that I do not have any plans. I am ecstatic about this. I have a few writing goals for myself today followed by a viewing of Garden State this afternoon. I do love that movie.





And, my birthday is less than two weeks ago. Last year I sulked hardcore because I had no plans and spent the day in my room crying. I refuse to do so this year. I am going to be 25 years old. Can you believe it? I am planning a Me Day Extravaganza. If the weather isn't too bad I would like to spend my birthday in the city, possibly at a museum or exhibit of some sort. Maybe a bookstore or bakery.





I am open for suggestions. NYC is an amazing place and if there is some place you've been interested in 'seeing' I wouldn't mind going there myself for you and snapping pictures and such. Wow when did this become an interactive journal. But seriously, there may be some hidden gem you've heard of that I have not. March 1st will be a day of exploring the city and I am excited to be taking my birthday celebration in my own hands this year.





Any who, time to clean my room so that I can get some writing and reading done. I've heard all about this David Foster Wallace guy but have yet to read anything by him. I am going to try and make a dent in 'Girl with Curious Hair' today, I've been interested in this read for a while.

~Becks

P.S. How to Breathe Underwater tracklist up! It's the final playlist for this years exchange. Enjoy.

How To Be Alone.

Yesterday a bunch of us for work went to a free showing of a unreleased movie. Yep folks, I was a part of a focus group. There is a first and last time for everything.

I'm working on being more social. I am. I promise. But I have loner tendencies that are pretty hard to shake. For me there is distinction being lonely and being alone. I enjoy my alone time. I revel in me days where I am only responsible for my own happiness.

Today I cleaned my room, danced to songs on the radio and read. Oh and I slept, a mighty long nap that I see myself repeating in the next hour so. These are lone activities that make the real world easier for me. If I didn't have these days of solitude I would go nuts. I have in the past become outwardly frustrated, moody and sullen when devoid of 'me' days.

But being lonely is completely different. I hate feeling on the outside of human connections. I hate feeling disconnected from the relationships I want to have. Though I enjoy 'me' days I often times which I had 'us' days.

Ever since I was a kid I dreamed of having a core group of friends; a small, nerdy but close knit family of misfits. A Willow and Xander to my Buffy, a Gordo and Miranda to my Lizzie McGuire. And there was once a time when I had one, in the sixth grade that is. I've been searching for another group of friends such as those for a while.

I don't want a lot of friends. I don't need a million different people to know or even care who I am. I just want a few good and solid friends. Friends to hang out with on days when I don't want to being alone has caved into loneliness.

But this is where Anxiety and I collide. I don't know how to reach out and be social when I need to be. There is a science to hanging out I am not really great at. Despite how many times I actually hang out with people who seem to like me well enough.

Despite my reservations about this huge group outing ( 7 people) I really wanted to go. The stress of applying to jobs and working at Le Sad Store can take a toll on a girl. I wanted to just do something different and not inside my house and away from the wayward thoughts that make me sleepy.

Around 5:30 I headed to Le Sad Store to meet up with Blue, Evan, my good friend Toaster and a few other people before heading to the theater. To be honest the only reason any of us wanted to see this movie was because it was free. Even if it sucked hard core (I'll get to that later) not having to pay to see it was a plus.

We've been planning this for a few days. Free movie, maybe some snacks, a few laughs. At the last minute of course I almost bailed on the outing because it was freaking cold outside and any thought of leaving my house seemed insane. But a half hour later I was in the break room waiting for everyone to show up so we could go upstairs to the theater.



Toaster and Blue were already hamming it up in the break room while talking about super heroes and movie re-makes. I decided to waste my time getting some hot chocolate up in cafe. Kat was there on her break and she kept saying I looked 'anxious', 'super anxious' and 'uncomfortable' about the whole outing.



Truthfully I wasn't anxious. I was tired and cold but in ok spirits. The moment she said I looked anxious though I could only think back to that time I was on the debate team in high school (well briefly) and before the 3rd round of my speech one of the competitors said I was pronouncing a word wrong during my presentation.



I was pronouncing it correctly just with a a slight emphasis on the 'a', i think. Regardless she threw me off my game and concentration on purpose. She drew attention to something I was not paying attention too. And the next round I totally fumbled on the word because I was concentrating so hard on saying it correctly.



That's all I could think of when Kat said I looked 'nervous'. I suddenly began to feel nervous and anxious and out of sorts. And then she said she and Blue were planing on seeing a movie after the one he was going to see with us which only made me feel jealous despite my disinterest in dating Blue anymore. Thanks a lot Kat.



But the night went ok, I guess. We all finally came together like a band of kids on a school outing to head to the theater. Toaster and his girlfriend argued pretty much until we got in our seats, Blue kept complaining of hunger and Evan talked about drinking...a lot. I, for some reason, thought the movie we were going to see was called the Barn, and raved about my excitement to see the Barn in line. I sort of ignored the strange looks in line until I realized (during the opening scene) that the movie was not called the Barn made evident by the way the characters kept referring to the catastrophe taking place at The Bay. The Bay folks. Not the barn,



The movie was terrible,stinky and long. It was marketed as a mix between Paranormal Activity and every other film where shit hits the fan and people start dying for reasons you never really find out. Blue sat next to me and was antsy the whole time because he wanted to make sure he wouldn't be late for the film he was going to see with Kat.



We couldn't use our cellphones because of piracy issues and there were agents pacing the rows to make sure of this. Blue kept asking me what time it was and when I reached to pull out my cellphone he whispered loudly 'no, no, no, no they will catch you beckett. they will catch you'. We both then turned to see a very scary guy with binoculars looking out in the crowd. I was scared to pull out any form of electronic after that.



When the movie ended we had to take the longest survey ever. Blue split before the movie ended so he missed out on the questionnaire. Everyone then dispersed into their own little groups. Kat and Blue were waiting outside and Evan joined then in a talk session. Toaster, his girlfriend were still filling out the survey and I sort of just trickled by the group said 'see you later' and walked home.



I am such a loner. I felt bad for sort of leaving abruptly but realized how tense I was the whole night once the cold air hit my face and my body relaxed some.



I must get better at this. I must.

P.S Year of Magical Thinking tracklist up!

Required Listening

Tracklists are going up!




I'm sorry i've been late on posting them. You can refer back to this post for further tracklist updates.


Here's a sneak peak of the awesomness:

Required Reading.

You are going to judge me.

I know this already. But I do not care because I am going to admit it anyway. And I will not be able to see your judgment through the screen so I am okay with writing the next sentence:

I may or may not be collecting syllabuses that I 'find' at work.

Let me explain.

I dread the holidays and the beginning of the Semester at Le Sad Store. The holidays because....well people are assholes around the holidays. The beginning of the Semester because despite Le Sad Store not caring textbooks we get customers everyday (both on the phone and in person) who ask if we carry them and then get all upset when we have to explain the difference between the text book division of our store and the 'trade' store. It never works out well.

When I say that we get calls from frantic students everyday looking for a textbook I mean every singe day until a month or so after the semester has started. Every single day. Every single hour. With the same damn stupid question:

"can you look up a book for me" "is it a textbook?" "well, um...not really" "what's the title?" "________ 7th edition" "that's a textbook. we don't sell those here".

And that's just from people who have the brain to call first. Most students just come to the store with a syllabus in one hand (see how I brought this back to the syllabus) and an attitude:

'I need this book?"
"what's the title"
"_______3rd edition"
"sounds like a textbook"
"well it's not"
"are you using it for a class"
"yes, but it's not a textbook"
"it has an edition attached to you, kind of implies that it may be a textbook?"
"well it's not. can you just look it up, I need it for school"
"fine"
"[scowl]...."
"[stank eye. typing]"......"
"[scowl. looking at syllabus]......"
"[typing. immense pleasure because I am right. snarky tone]....we don't have this book....because it's a textbook indicated by the edition attached to it"
"well then where am i suppose to get this book"
"i don't know...a textbook store...on your campus"

End Scene.

It doesn't always go this way. For the most part students are pleasant and really have no idea about the differences in a textbook store and 'regular' store. If they are nice or cute or nerdy I'll explain it to them and suggest the nearest store or website that may carry their book.

In South Carolina, where i went to school, we had a general Le Sad Store text book division and three mom and pop used textbook stores. I am not sure if they have that here because when I couldn't get my book for class at Le Sad Store I wen to Adams the used bookstore across the street. It was that simple. I guess it works a little differently here.

Today a few anxious looking students came to the store looking for all kinds of textbooks. As i was explaining to a very nerdy boy that we didn't carry his Graphic Illustrated textbook my co-worker was retrieving a William Faulkner book for someone taking an American Literature Class. A benefit of being a lit major is that most of the text read in those classes are novels which can be pretty cheap. Anyway, said Lit Guy accidentally left his syllabus at customer service. My co-worker was about to throw it in the garbage when I stopped her and said I wanted to take a look at it. Except by look I mean...keep it.

I have only collected a few. But this is hoarding to a new level. Who in the world collects syllabuses.

Some days I miss school. Jenn, the girl I may be looking for an apartment with in the city if I can get a job by May, is graduating college this semester and she is anxious as hell to leave. I completely understand her urgency to graduate. I saw her recently and all she could talk about was her eagerness to be done with school already. And I was shock to hear myself tell her that she'll miss school once she is done with it. "Trust me" I said solemnly. You will. And coming from me that has to mean something because I was over with school as soon as college began.

But I do miss my time at USC. Not even the important life changing elements of it. I miss reading nerdy things and dragging myself to class and cramming for tests at the last minute. I miss talking about my professors and dropping by the department for one on one sessions in my TA's crammed closet of an office. I miss dozing off in class or picking out that one guy I was going to have a crush on for the semester. I miss RateMyProfessor and Saturdays not studying in the library.

But most of all I miss the first day of class when the teacher hands out the pristine syllabus foreshadowing what you are in store of.

I hated and loved the first day of class. I could skip the whole 'lets introduce ourselves' portion, I never liked introducing myself the first day nut I loved getting the syllabus. The syllabus is like a resume. The professor is selling themselves (and their class) with their 2-3 page syllabus. I have dropped and added classes based this. It had reinforced my thoughts on the class and/or professor. I decided against dropping that Literary and Criticism course because the syllabus was awesome (and the professor was hot). I dropped that Shakespeare class because of a presentation project mentioned.

The syllabus is a deal maker or breaker and when I find them in the store, because some poor sap has lost it, I get all sorts of excited for reasons that I can only explain as nostalgia and longing. And plus it says a lot about the person teaching the course.

The syllabus I picked up today was very interesting. The moment I read the outline I knew that this was a young professor, from a pompous school who wishes to be a radical thinker while teaching the same texts one has read before. I was all kinds of judgemental especially after reading that he is teaching the "Great Gatsby" "The Sound and the Fury" and "The Crying of Lot 49" for an American Literature: 1920 to the Present class (not that these are bad text. They are all amazing. But a lot of significant shit was written during this time outside of these very familiar and famous novels)

And boy was I right. Because I was in the kids department all day I had the chance to google said professors name to get a better picture of who this chap is:

Yale graduate. Teaches Realism and 'Approaches to Literature". He is the poster boy for affluent hipster who added (almost as an afterthought) Ginsberg and Lahiri (Interpreter of Maladies) to his syllabus to be... 'different". There is a picture of him on the school website. Very crisp looking, very toothy, arms crossed and dressed out of a Tommy Hilfiger catalogue. Gross.

I read through his syllabus with a sense of scorn and indignation. Surely there are books other than the go-to ones that he could have used to represent the time between 1920-to the present. Not to say that those texts aren't important but come on....what is this high school honors English? Surely, he could draw better connections between the literature produced in relations to the significant social, economic and racial tensions of the time. If I had a class to teach I would....

Oh wait.

I discovered early on that teaching wasn't my thing. I could see myself doing it in a small capacity. Maybe as a visiting professor or speaker but nothing more. Teaching freaks me out. I can think back only to the times where my teachers (not professors generally) have broken down in front of the class while I looked on painfully from my seat. But some days, especially when I am holding a syllabus made my a very attractive but pompous professor teaching at a small liberal arts college in the north, I can't help but think about teaching my own class for a semester or so.

Of teaching a course where I can discuss nerdy nerd things (like Buffy or the Final Girl or 20th century influences that include the Lost Generation and the Harlem Renaissance or Teen Nostalgia) and draw connections and create gaps and challenge things. And yeah for the most part I would be the only one to find it interesting but who cares; it would give me a reason to investigate the things that mean something to me while I connect them to things that may mean something to a shy girl or boy who will one day steal syllabuses from college students at his or her job.

And as I try to find the space in my drawer to add another lost syllabus to the collection I cannot help but miss school and the whole learning/ nerding out thing. I can't help but toy with the idea of graduate level education and having my nose in a book for class again.

I often miss school a lot. Some night more than others.

~Beckett

PS. Today is my 1000 post. Can you believe it?!

The Ice Storm

I wrote a really killer post earlier which blogger promptly deleted.

Blerg.

To sum up a very lengthy post:

I played hookie yesterday during our ninth snow storm. Le Sad Storm remained open despite the icy weather and I decided that I was in no mood to go to work. My head hurt, my throat hurt and the last time I walked to work during a winter storm I face planted in the snow. Face planted. I wish this was an exaggeration but alas, the truth is more painful than my face falling into soft cold snow.

So I called out. Luckily I got on the phone with New Manager (dan), the 20 something year old hipster who is in a band, and told him that I was feeling down. A head cold? A stomach ache? the plague. Cough, cough. He laughed and told me to take it easy, they'd find some way to manage without me.

Sick Day Success!!

I have been stressed and under the weather lately, which has contributed to a very poor attitude at work these last few days. I can not muster the energy to care what my co-workers/friends have to say and spend most of my shift sulking.

It's not easy being an anxious person. I internalize everything. I am aloof and distant and in my head a lot. I do not know how to explain this to people when I do my weird 'disappearance act'. I am a master act it. I hide my feelings like a pro. Unfortunately everyone has taken my sullen disposition as 'I've done something to piss beckett off' signal.

Which to be honest I am a little frustrated with everyone around me, including myself. I am on the heels of my quarter life crisis. In less than a month I'll be 25. Something I am both excited and terrified by. Where the hell is time going. I mean just this afternoon I was watching Blossom on Dvd thanks to Netflix and now I am going to be 25 on March 1st (subtle birthday hint).

I feel so unaccomplished for 25. It's daunting really.

And a lot of times, I feel like the person I want to be and the person I am are so distant from each other that my whole 'congruency' goal will never happen. There are days when I have such a clear picture of my future. Of the confidant, witty, smart young woman I will be. The one with the OK job, the budding writing career, the cute boyfriend who I make breakfast for because it's the only meal of the day I know how to cook. And because I can't bear seeing his face after I've burnt the rice for the eleventh time and he is forced to eat it because he is a nice swell guy. Breakfast is more my forte. I've thought about this a lot.

I dream of my days off spent at the farmer's market and then to a local bookstore downtown somewheres. I imagine the cups of hot tea I'll keep at my desk to drink from time to time on really cold days. I even think about my own acceptance and rejection of real world issues, the spontaneous trips abroad and the pictures I'll take accompanied by essays and stories of my journey.

And then I wake up and I don't feel any closer to the realization. I don't know if I am trying hard enough to make it a reality. And it sucks because I don't really have anyone to confide in about these worries. I don't have anyone to see the progress that I am too blind to realize. And it is hard going to work everyday where McAbs keeps talking about...at this point I don't even know. Just him. Or where Kat plays victim and Blue plays or is stupid.

It's all too much some days. I can't even fake a grin and bear it (Mcabs was talking about something that other day and I was in no mood to hear what he had to say. He got all offended and replied "some how i expected a better reaction from you. you can be so weird sometimes). For that reason I sort of enjoyed playing hookie, even though technically I was a little sick.

I haven't had a day where I took time off from being where I am suppose to be. It's the best feeling in the world and I understand now why Ferris Bueller remains one of my favorite movies of all time. I think the last proper hookie day ( i almost typed hooker. embarrassment abound) was when I bailed on McDreamy's writing class because I couldn't bear the silence. I don't know how I survived that class without stabbing my ears out. It was brutal.

This time around, I spent the day in bed reading a truly horrible/funny/potentially traumatizing historical romance novel. Then I ate soup, and passed out after taking a Tylenol. It was a pretty relaxed day (all of which was documented a lot better in the post that blogger did away with). I'll pay the consequence tomorrow when everyone asks why I called out on Wednesday. I would like to engage in proper Hookie Day however. One not as epic but just as fun as Bueller's.

The last three days away from the world have been stellar nonetheless and I will answer everyone's question of why I didn't come into work that day with a stank eye.

Beckett

PS. Yes...I wrote in the snow. It was so crisp I couldn't help msyelf.

Snow Day No.8

I don't think it is ever going to stop snowing here. Which to be honest I am perfectly okay with.

I apologize for my lack of everything these days. I feel more tired, stressed, aloof and disconnected then I usually am. Work is not helping. Lack of money is not helping. And to be honest this snow, though it is beautiful and fluffy and cold is not helping. It is just making me more sleepy.

And for the past week or so I've had a headache that I cannot shake. It's a mix because a migraine and the Lisa Turtle twitch. Remember the episode where Lisa develops an eye twitch every time Screech is in her presence. Substitute my job for Screech and you can imagine what I look like at work, especially around the presence of....well everyone.

You'd think with the amount of bad weather we get here people would find ways to amuse themselves inside the comfort of their own home. Not here. On terrible, snow heavy days people head to the bookstore as if it is summer. Adults, kids and dreaded teens crowd the store just to hang out and leave a mess. I can't help but feel like a part of my job description is 'in store maid' and 'stank eye giver'.

And while the customers are driving me bat shit crazy, my employees are too. Not only did Blue say that I wasn't a 'typical girl' last week but he mistook me for a boy the other day. A boy! I had to open on Sunday and I was doing my usual 'before Le Sad Store' is open tasks. I headed to the break room to retrieve my ID when I crashed into Blue leaving the break room. We both did a weird shriek thing. I yelled 'gosh blue' he yelled 'gosh robert'.

We had a seasonal employee named robert. Blue called me robert. WTF.

"Robert?"
"i mean...beckett"
"did you just call me robert"
'I meant beckett"
'you just confused me for a dude"
"I'm sorry, I'll work on not confusing you with one anymore"

Blue is becoming a blip on my crush meter which is pretty sad because he is a boy who possesses all the goods to be crush worthy except for the speaking part.


And it didn't help that I had an awful headache on Sunday (the same shift where he mistook me for a boy) but I tried to put the whole 'blue calling me a dudes name' thing behind me because I am trying not to let things like that get to me like they use to. I was still in a mood though because I hate working weekends. I despise it.

Despite having two days off during the week, having a day off during the weekend is just....different. There is something about waking up on a Saturday or Sunday that feels so relaxing. During the week I am writing or applying to jobs or avoiding calls from student loan representatives. The weekend is another story. I adore waking up on Saturday and Sunday with no plans outside of my own. There is no job applying on the weekends. No cursing out Student Loan people. Just me and maybe a lifetime movie marathon and food.

Working on the weekends reminds me of the reality of my situation here. Of the instability and lack of routine. During the opening/closing meetings now the managers kept telling that hours that will get slashed this month. Which to be honest I expected. I was hoping though that if hours are going to get slashed I would at least have a weekend to myself one of these days. I have three days off next week none of which is Saturday or Sunday.

So when I have to work the weekends, I spend most of it scorning the people who venture out to do things. I would spend my weekends at home, in bed, curled up with a book. But on Sunday there were so many people in the store that morning, making me even more jealous that I do not have a day to mull around. The kids department was swamped with parents who have no idea how to entertain their children.

By 3 o'clock I asked Evil Manager if I could go home early, (because of my head ache and frustration) she said yes. I headed up to the cash register to put something away and Blue kept calling my name over and over and over again. Earlier I mentioned to him that my head was hurting and that I thought it could be a migraine or the Lisa Turtle Twitch. So I was not to please when he kept calling my name from a feet away. In an annoying childish pay attention to what I am saying way.

When I walked away from him he was all 'what's wrong now' to which I replied 'my head hurts and you keep yelling my name.... in my face.... like an asshole'.

Yeah. Sunday wasn't great.

I did pick up a terribly cheesy book to read though to get my mind off of more pressing matters. I prepared for Snow Day No. 8 days ago. I have a room full of goodies to enjoy while the rest of New York finds some excuse to go outside. It manages to snow on days when I do not have to leave my house which is fine by me. My days off are becoming the only days when I can actually pause and breathe for a while.

I still have to update tracklists and such from MIXCd Extravaganza, and I really do want to compose a post where I am not complaining about work. I do have other things going around in my brain that do not have to do with work or Blue or suckassness. Like me turning 25 is four weeks. Or that I am only two posts away from 1000 entries on this here blog.

I will make time to talk about those soon. After a small reading, eating, napping break from the world.

P.S. I'm starting to post the tracklists from the music extravaganza on my Quiet Girl Blog. You should head over there via the link to see what crazy music i compiled this year. I'm going to make a post (on that blog) about each Cd so stay tuned for updates!