Introverts Lament

Good god, today was just...awful.

The next time I have an IT related problem at work remind me not to call Le Sad Store's IT department. Doing so not only put me in the worst moods ever but I seriously had to leave work early in order not to stab someone. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

It seems that my absence was surely missed at Le Sad Store while I was away. After a coming home on Sunday and a much needed rest of Monday I was immediately thrust back into the work grind. The evil manager scheduled me to work six days in a row this week as if to make up for the long week and a half that I was away.

Working six days in a row is just not right, especially coming off a really great and relaxing vacation. But evil manager has a tendency of going around decency because she's evil and doesn't care if working six days in a row will wear you down. She often schedules people to do a clopen (a shift that consists of you closing the store, say a 5 to 11, only to have to work in the morning, say a 10-5) or a double or a six day work week and when you voice concerns about it she'll say something like "well, i do it all the time so suck it up".

Of course when someone says something like this to you a couple of things run through your mind: 'but you're a manager' 'who the hell cares if you've done it before', 'fuck'. I obviously had some concerns about working six days in a row but because I've been gone for so long I didn't want to say anything about having an extra day to myself. I simply and quite disappointingly 'sucked it up' because vacation was truly that amazing and I was fortunate enough to be able to take that many days off without it being an issue.

But oh, how being away can make you forget that people are stupid ashats, especially in retail. In the past six days I've come across a very rude lady from the Midwest ('your store is sooooo messy. this is nothing like the store i frequent where i live), an intolerable 'this is why i shop on amazon' guy and the regulars who don't by anything but constantly ask for help and/or complain about something.

The 'I shop on amazon guy' was especially aggravating because he would not stop telling me about, even though I showed no interest in listening to him, the reasons why our bookstore was going out of business. 'People, just don't buy books anymore' he continued after the 8 minutes of me trying to get him the hell out of the store so I could help someone else. After he said something along the lines of 'I think that's what killed your guys', I had to remind him that BORDERS is the bookstore chain going out of business not Le Sad Store and that people 'including yourself, who just so happens to be shopping in a bookstore today, still read books so Le Sad Store will be okay'.

He shrugged his shoulders (perhaps after realizing that the he'd gotten the bookstore mixed up and his comment that 'people don't buy books anymore' , as he was, er, um, buying books, completely contradicted his initial statement) and said 'well, amazon is still better'.

After five days of dumb questions, stank eyes, and one guy trying to hide the fact that he was reading porn in the medical reference section, I was running on empty. Lack of sleep, lack of patience, lack of ability to focus on anyone or thing. Just last week (or so ago) I was home, with my mom and my brother and three cats, enjoying the silence of the small town living and introverted bliss and am now I back into the bustle and hustle of retail, where I work around people who hate don't seem to like staying home.

The bookstore has become my worst nightmare. I am completely stumped by why people want to spend their weekends (or any day) at the store for long periods of time. From teenagers who detest reading but love Fraps, to grown adults who sit in the the store up until the minute we close, Le Sad Store is a place people come to to hang out in more so than buy books. Sure people love books, and some even buy them but for the most part working in a huge chain store opens your eyes to the real nature of book sales. The industry does not survive from folks like you and me who read books because we love them. The nerdy girls and boys who are very particular about the things we read and buy are not who shop in big chain bookstores.

Instead the 'omg! oprah recommended a new book' or the 'i just saw the movie so I now i must read the story' people are the ones purchasing books. And because every week some jerk on Fox news (no offense) or some critic from the new york times recommends a title, people come out in search of a recommendation they most likely will buy and then not read. This is the true nature of working at a big bookstore. People are sometimes surprised when they ramble a title to us and we don't have to search the computer to find out where it is. I have had several people say 'you must really know your books' and I sadly reply 'no, it's just people keep asking for the same title'.

As a book loving person, this is heartbreaking because I go to bookstores for the sole purpose of finding and buying literature. For me, books need to be discovered. Titles need to find you after a long search. I don't read the new york times to find a great recommendation. I talk to my friends, I search the aisle, I sometimes find a really cool book description in my favorite magazine (GQ, Nylon) which have become trusted sources. Because as a bibliophile, I like thumbing through the aisle in search of a title that catches my eye. I am a huge book nerd who appreciates the quality of readable books rather than mainstream trends (I'm talking about you 'Game of Thrones').

And as an introvert bookstores use to be a place where I could go and look for books and find solace in the quiet atmosphere. But now that I have slaved away in a bookstore, the sense of calm and solace I once felt in the place has all but evaporated. Not all bookstores of course, the small independents ones will always have my heart, but I don't think I will ever shop in a Le Sad Store once I leave. I have seen too many truly horrible things there that makes me think differently about bookstores in general. And when I have to work, lets say on the weekend, I can not for the life of understand why anyone, would want to leave the confides of their home to hang out in Le Sad Store. Why of all the places in the world, you'd want to come to an overly priced, insufficiently stocked place where teenagers crowd the aisles and a diet book is the number 1 bestselling item in the store.

I guess this is why on the weekends, I am in no mood to play nice with strangers. I am very curt and too the point and desperate to get them out of the store as quick as possible. People have a tendency of being much more of a douche on the weekends and I catch myself having to take a breather every once in a while to regain composure. to bit my tongue. to remember that I am a person above all else.

But six days can wear a person down, and today I was just...over it, more than usual. The moment we opened it was one thing after another and after having one of the worst IT experiences ever I asked to go home early. I simply removed my name tag, dropped my work phone in a managers hand and said I was going home. two hours early. screw working six days.

You remember that SNL skit where Jimmy Fallon plays the annoying and self righteous computer guy Nick Burns. I may have gotten him on the phone today and because he wasn't close enough to strangle all I could do was silently cry inside. I've never had to call IT at work before, because I don't deal with any digital e-reader questions, but because people come to customer service instead of the digital service counter located near the cash registers, I sometimes have to field questions as best as I can.

Unfortunately I got a question that was not easy for me to answer and the manager, standing near by, wanted me to call IT support in order to resolve the issue. When I call the IT guy, who talked a mile a minute, he tried to have me explain to two very confused and not tech savvy customers how to resolve their digital issue. That went all to shit quickly.

On one end, I have fucking Nick Burns, sounding very frustrated (he did one of those 'talking through your teeth, closed mouths, exasperated thing) and annoyed that I am not explaining the solution better and on the other end I have a nice, but terribly tech-less, gentleman repeating 'what'd he say, huh, what does that mean, dear he wants to send me an email where, aol, my password is fluffy, say what?'.

It was like the game telephone, I being on the receiving end of two very different descriptions of the same damn message at the same damn time. At one point, I casually drop the phone on Nick Burns and walk away from the very old and confused customer to find a manager. I try to explain to her that someone else has to help, that there is no way I can talk to Nick Burns and the old guy and the help the seven customers now waiting in line. Because she is no help, I eventually decided to revolve the issue by putting 'nick' on the phone with 'old guy' and having them talk it out.

And then, i let the manager know that I was not feeling well and was going home. She let me leave early of course (i wish I would have just walked out), and I then proceeded to spend the next four hours under my covers.I haven't done that in a while.

I just don't think I can do this anymore. I am tired and frustrated and so unhappy at Le Sad Store it hurts. I need there to be some sort of change already. While I am sort of nervous about taking on the responsibility of dare i say, a real job, there is no way I continue at the bookstore unless I want to lose my sanity.

Luckily I have tomorrow off and Heather and I are going to grab lunch and discuss job hunting woes. I haven't hung out with her since the end of May and I am looking forward to being around someone who doesn't work with me. Is it sad that I just got back from vacation and I am in need of another break from things.

Back to the Real World.

So, vacation is officially over.

I arrived in new york yesterday after 15 hours on an Amtrak train. And I am wiped out.

The older I get the more I enjoy going home for a short period of time. When I lived in the south there was always this internal tension regarding my life there.

I despised everything about living in the south: the people, the slowness, the endless stretch of greenery, the boredom, and silence. I just hated living there. When my mom moved my brother and I down south, it felt as if I'd been expelled from New York. Robbed of the experience of being a teen there.

For the better part of middle school and high school all I could think about was what life would have been life for me if we'd stayed in New York. I, of course, imagined the sort of experience the teen shows of my youth glamorized. A nerdy yet adventure fueled existence in a high school that I liked with friends that were like family.

And all of that dreaming and pondering about what life could have been made me shut any and all southern rendition of that life from happening. And to be honest it will be the one thing I regret about my time in south carolina growing up; that instead of just adapting to my situation and making the best out of it, I sort of shut down as I have a tendency of doing.

I think about this now because come august I will have been in new york for three years. Three years out of college and the safety of my moms home. Three years from the state and region I so desperately wanted to leave. And while, I love living in New York after three years I have in some way reconciled with the south I fled.

Going home is miles different than I thought it would be post graduation. It is a much more rejuvenating and calming. Days before my vacation I was a bundle of nerves because of excitement and anxiety. Traveling has something to do with it, but among all of that I was just ready to go home. To my family and admittedly to South Carolina.

You know when you haven't seen someone in a really long time; an old friend or ex-flame, and you get that weird nervous spell in your belly because there is a history you have had with this person, there are experiences forged to be never forgotten with them. And while the two of you have grown distant and gotten older, changed and are shaped different views, moved on and created something new for yourself, when you see them again you want to be presentable. You want to show yourself off to show growth in the face of something that use to define you.

I don't know if that makes sense. Probably not. But I guess what i'm trying to say that going home will forever be like a reconnecting with an old flame. A meeting and coming to terms with something (or one) that I feel has shaped who I am today. And while our relationship was not always the healthiest, while we both hurt and injured one another out of ignorance and fear, I will always have a bond with 'him'.There will always be a place in some crevice of my being that belongs to South Carolina.

And being home was great. I spent some time in Charleston and at USC with my mom before heading home where my brother and three newly adopted stray cats awaited me. I meet my nephew for the first time, who did not take kindly to the weird girl trying to snap pictures of him. He cried most of the time I was there and I made a promise that our next meeting wouldn't be so traumatic. On either of us.

I visited some old and familiar places; a Dam in Georgia, a state garden and a handful of thrift stores that my mom frequents. I snapped photos along the way, too many to be honest and made my peace with south carolina along the way.

The days sort of flew by and before I knew it my vacation had come and gone. Leaving is always difficult,now especially, that my mom, brother and I are finally at places in our lives when the arguments have stopped and we generally enjoy being around us. Where my brother would once ignore me he was actually authentically happy to see me. He bought me lunch and played the Scott Pilgrim video game with me and when I left he gave me the hugest hug ever.

And it is so weird that only 2 days ago I was in South Carolina sitting in the living room with my brother and mom and now I am in New York struck dumb by the humidly but generally excited to be back. My vacation is over but I have the energy to pick back up where I left off. While I am not happy at all to return to Le Sad Store, I was over the moon to see some of my friends today who all received huge bear hugs.

And maybe it's the vacation high, but I do feel as if things will pick up for me. Because going home has a way of lighting a fire under my butt to make a life for myself work here. Not because I don't want to return to South Carolina but because going home reminds me of my purpose here. That all of this isn't for nothing. That the part of south carolina that has made me who I am will be proud of the things I will do here, miles and miles away from home.

I like feeling optimistic about things.

Now, if I can unpack my suitcase that will be awesome. I brought a lot of things back with me and must find a place to put them. Including a handful of books, like I need anymore books in this room. Tomorrow I start what will be six days straight of work so if I get the mess out of the way now, I won't be bothered by it when I'm too exhausted to do much of anything else.

Back to the Real World I go.

Beckett.

Oh, and i'll uploading some vacation photos here for anyone who wants to take a look.

Vacation

Yep. Enjoying myself a lot.

Going Home.

Vacation starts today and in a few hours I will be on a train (planes still freak me out) to South Carolina.

Thank God.

I ended up doing an awful 10 hour shift at le sad store yesterday because some one called out and they needed help on the floor. I asked if I could leave early (for traveling purposes) but my manager pretty much made me feel guilty for wanting to leave...so I stayed.

It was probably the worst decision I've made in the last few days. Yesterday was just dreadful, I mean as soon as I walked in people were panicking and complaining about the workload and the shitty customers. Customers literally make working in retail a billion times worse than it should be. We were backed up with projects to complete in the store, which we never even got the chance to finish because ashats were asking for 'summer reading' books all night.


So naturally I am very excited about heading home. I have general anxieties about traveling in general but I know I when reach South Carolina, all the worries from the last few days will fade away. Writing will be a little light (as it has been for a while, i apologize) but expect a lot of pictures. My mom is taking me to Charleston this time around and I have always found that city so majestic.

Anyway, I have a few more things to do before I head out. I am determined to bring as little things home as possible but that is not going well as I try to squeeze more books in my suitcase. Damn.

~Beckett

Home Has Never Looked So Sweet.

Good God, I'm home. Should I kiss the floor now or wait until after this post.

I like my house a lot. It's an old colonial style house on the top of a steep hill. When I look outside my window I can see the lights from the center of town to my left as well as the trees from the park nearby to my right. Despite the creaky floors and chipped paint, broken doorknob and rough carpet... I love my house. And for $600/month, this house has been my greatest investment here.

But, I have not slept in my house for past three nights thanks to my aunt and her job. You know those commercials where someone breaks into a picture perfect house setting off an alarm the awakens the picture perfect family and then the screen switches to a concerned representative from the alarm company who calls to make sure that everything is alright at the family's home...well that is what my aunt does. Except, she really just sits around for most of her shift in an office somewhere waiting for something to happen.

She usualy works the morning shift, but thanks to a co-worker quiting at the last minute her job had to move around some schedules this week until they could hire someone to take the midnight shift. This is where I come in. Because my aunt had to work a midnight-8 shift (except friday) and my college aged cousin has to work 7-5 at his summer camp job she had no one to watch Michelle from 7 to roughly 9 o'clock in the morning. And because I am the dependable, responsible relative who loves Michelle to pieces, I was the only person she could ask.

I absolutely adore hanging out with my cousin Michelle. She is a inquisitive, polite, adventurous six year old. We recently saw Judy Moody together (terrible movie) and she eagerly shared her snacks with me to make sure I was comfortable. Recently she picked up the gardening bug and has planted her very first tomato plant. I love this child fiercely as if she were my own, and I have no problems watching her ever. I even asked if my aunt needed me to come over on the fourth to watch michelle and or babysit if necessary. But she said it wasn't so I made other plans.

I wanted this July 4th to be low key this year. I took the day off because I couldn't bear being at work with annoying people. I spent most of the morning talking to my mom on the phone because the 4th will always be a little rough for our family. Three years later and the grief thing is getting...easier, I guess. But His birthday and death will always be...tough, there is no way around it.

Some of my friends were having BBQ's, others were going to hit up bars later on in the day. While I was asked to attend most of these activities, I instead decided to stay home and watch a bunch of British Television shows thanks to Netflix. I love America and being an American but the Brits won on the programming front.

So when my phone rang as I was on who knows what episode of the IT Crowd, I was shocked to hear my aunts voice (who never calls) on the other end. She called to ask if I wanted to come over because her neighbor was having a BBQ. There would be hotdogs, and hamburgers, and french fries....'oh, and do you think you could spend the night'. Say what?

She explained the situation (there was no one to watch Michelle in the morning) and I agreed to spend the night thinking it was going to be just 1 night. 3 nights later and I am finally home. I've been living out of a messenger bag for the past few days and after i finish watching Star Wars V I'm taking a nap. I am exhausted.

Michelle was as delightful as could be, but everything else was terribly the same at my aunts house. There was still this sense of complete chaos and dysfunction. Her house has never felt like a home because it is constantly in a state of 'renovation'. She can't decided on a paint color for the walls so there are several color strips on the wall. She has more random appliances in her house than Sears catalogue and I may have stepped in cereal she no longer had in her cabinet.

Everything was a mess which probably explains why I got bitten by a spider on my first night on the couch. Michelle and I feel asleep during Macy's Fourth of July Spectacular and when we awoke the next day we were all sorts of marked up with bug bites.For some reason, I got the worst of it. I had a pretty disturbing bruise on my arm that was red, swollen and itchy. I didn't think too much of it, until Wednesday when the bite marked had double in size.

The bump on my arms was the size of a golf ball. And while I've never had the chance to use the phrase in a sentence, the description it's not an exaggeration. Yesterday when I walked in, to work, I immediately complained about my arm, My manager asked to see the bite in question and when I pulled up my sleeve he let out a gasp, gagged a little and said that my arm didn't look good.

As soon as he said that my other co-worker asked 'what doesn't look good?' and came over to check out my arm. When i turned it towards him I swear to bob he recoiled in disgust. He tried to look away but couldn't, and went to touch it but then stopped. And then just backed away and said I needed to get my arm looked at.

By the time lunch rolled around my arm was the topic of discussion. Everyone wanted to a) see it and b) diagnosis it. Some one gave me bendryl to kill off the infection (by then it was established a spider was the most likely cause) which made me irritable and sleepy the whole shift.

I of course had to head home (after work), shower, change and de-stress before heading back to my aunts house for the third time this week. I shouldn't have come home. My bed looked so soft and comfortable and the orange cat who has claimed my room as his own took his seat near the window per usual. It was tough having to pry myself and him from the room last night.

Needless to say I am very very happy to be home today. I didn't think I could miss my bedroom this much. Because today is my last day off before vacation I have a lot of cleaning and packing to do. The plan is to pack light so that I have room in my suitcase to bring a lot of things back in. My mom has a tendency of buying me things when I'm home ( i know. it sucks. gosh) and I could use some new jeans and shirts. I'm just saying.

This vacation can't get here fast enough. I have a tendency of stepping up my A game after being home for a bit and I have high hopes that post trip to south carolina I will have a job. A real crappy, entry level one. I saw transformers the other day and rolled my eyes several times as Sam (shia lebeouf) struggled to find a job the first 30 minutes of the movie. When his parents come to visit Sam in D.C (where he lives in a beautiful apartment with his too gorgeous girlfriend) they are disappointed to learn that 3 months out of college he has yet to find a job. 3 months, try 3 years Sam! And then there is an awful montage of him going on interviews. Not only did he go on 7 in like one day but he gets an awful job working with a creepy John Malkovich.

I hate movies that depict post grad life. Even in the simpliest of forms.

I haven't had any luck in the interview department since March, nor have I ever had 7 damn interviews in one day (come to think of it I don't think I have seven job interviews in the last 3 years), so I figure something will come my way after vacation. It always does.

Ugh, time for a nap. The last few days have felt more like work than actual work and the days before vacation are going to be hectic.

Babysitting.

So i haven't slept at home in three days. THREE.

And it's not because me and Sufjan Stevens have finally shacked up. Of course not. Instead, my aunt (yes the one who kicked me out of her house a year and a half ago) needs me to babysit my lovely and adorable cousin during the evenings while she works a Midnight-8 shift at her job this week.

While I love spending time with my cousin Michelle, I do not miss living with my aunt. The last three days have been hell. Though our relationship is much better than it was a some months ago, her house is not my home and I have not adjusted to being in that house again. Even though my stay in temporary (tomorrow will be my last day house/babysitting) I can not get over house unfamiliar everything is. How I don't fit into the space there.

I've slept a total of 12 hours in the last 72 hours and I now have a disgusting spider bite on my arm which I recieved while sleeping on my aunt's couch. The bite is bad. It's like my arm is giving birth to another arm. I came into work today and people were mortified by it. Everyone gave suggestions ('gurl you need to see a doctor' was my favorite) and then supplied me with drugs (the legal kind) before staring at the bite in disgust again.

The general consensus is that I need to see a doctor because clearly the bite on my arm is not normal...at all. It's fucking huge!

So not only am I irriated, drowsy, and giving birth to a mutant side arm but I have another night at my aunts house to bear. I stopped home first (big mistake) to take a shower, get some fresh clothes and hug my bed but now I am off to another night where the bugs will no doubt violate me in my sleep.

I think I am most irritated that she knows she can ask me to sleepover and watch michelle because I don't have anything else going on. That I am always the girl with the free time. And don't get me wrong I love being around my cousin but by the time I even get to the house she is asleep and I am sitting alone in the living room frustrated with being there.

Le sigh. I can't wait til things get back to normal. I need my sanity back. I need a propers days rest in my own damn bed.