7 more days :(

I know this is for the better. Him leaving and such so I can reclaim myself and life. But he is making it hard. Spending this much time together makes it harder to pretend I'm ready for him to leave.

-Beckett 

Reasons I've been Away

This motherfucker has been taking up most of my free time.

He officially signed up for the Navy and we have less than 3 weeks before he is off to Basic Training.

Things between us continue to be up in the air. He is not my friend. He is not my boyfriend but he takes up the space in between and I am trying with all of my might to squeeze in as much time with him before he leaves.

I am anxious about him leaving. Despite the heartache he has put me through the last several months it will be weird not having him around come January. It's hard to explain, or maybe it isn't. I love him. Sometimes more platonically than romantically. Sometimes more romantically than platonically. I know that being around him hurts as much as not being around him. I have stupid ideas of him in my head where he finally comes to his senses and commits himself to me fully. Where I am enough and we can be together as I'd like us to be.

But there is another part of me that is relieved that once he is away I will have a much easier (or harder depending on the day) time getting over him. He has consumed my life this past year and I have put everything on hold for him. Our relationship is not healthy at all. I tend to feel insignificant around him and most of our arguments have been about this. I hate having to fight for  his attention. I hate being so dependent on him to make me feel special. But he has gotten inside my head enough where his perception of me matters enough that I have put everything on hold. So there is a part of me that needs him to go away so that I can click the "go' button and move on.

The last few weeks he has been nervous about joining the Navy. He won't tell anyone but I can see it in his face. He looks terrified and unsure. He is short tempered and trying to squeeze in as much as he can before Boot Camp. He is trying to convince himself that if the next few weeks can be filled with fun than the actuality of his situation will not matter. But it doesn't. He is going to the Navy. He is going to be deployed. He will be away from home for days that will turn into months that will become years. And people will move on without him. He will move on without us.

I am struggling to hang on to what time I have left. Last night, where this awful grainy but perfect picture was taken, we went to a bar with friends and watched wrestling. He was tired and grumpy and a little sad but I tried to lighten the mood a little. He ended up having a good time but in the back of my mind I knew this would be the last of our wrestling outings. And for every happy moment we have it is masked under sadness.

He put in his two weeks this weekend and he flies out January 6th for Illinois. I will resume blogging soon after but for now I just want to spend the next few weeks with this stupid ashat of a boy. I am composing a journal for him as a Christmas gift, detailing the last few weeks together. It's stupid and sentimental but most of my writing time has been devoted to that.

If I am not on before Christmas I want to wish you all a happy holiday season. And thank you, for sticking with me and the craziness that is my life.

~Beckett 

I told Sean I had a nightmare about hell the other night.

I told him this because we were talking about dreams and i had one about one of his cats. I then mentioned, the hell one, because it's the second one i've had this year.

He looked at me and said he knew why i was having dreams about Hell.

I asked him why.

He said he didn't want to tell me because I would get upset.

I said i wouldn't get upset. I pinky swore.

So he says:

Sean: Maybe you were visiting somewhere there. Maybe the dream is representing a place someone you love currently resides

Me: ???? who would i be visiting in hell ????

Sean: Well, you know, i mean, your best friend did kill herself---according to the bible---

Me: (complete shock and utter disgust)

Sean: You said you wouldn't get mad

Me: You just said my best friend is in hell because she killed herself

Me: (hysterical crying)

Sean: (silence)

The Halloween Party

On Saturday Kat, our friend Chantal and I attended Justin (and his gf's) Halloween party and the night was interesting to say the least.

A month ago Justin's GF, who use to work art the store, invited a handful of us to Justin's Birthday/Halloween/Housewarming Party. There relationship has evolved quicker than anything I have ever seen in my whole entire life. In the span of a year they've casually hung out, started dating and now live together in a one bedroom apartment with a cat. But they are happy and their relationship works. Out of everyone at that store they seem to have the most functioning relationship. It makes me sick how happy they are. Kidding of course.

Anyway, It became apparent that the party was an invite only sort of thing because out of the +45 people who work at Le Sad Store, only 7 of us were invited: Me, Kat, Chantal, Annoying Guy, Sean, Sean's Cousin and his gf. So I knew I couldn't bail because he only invited people he considers his friends from work and I'm sort of honored to be this kids friend.

Justin is an interesting guy. He wants everyone to think he's an asshole but underneath he's the most considerate and thoughtful person I have ever met. We became friends over shared grief ( his ex gf's committed suicide) and since then we've had a weird relationship. He constantly pokes fun at me about everything and I antagonize him back. To other people it probably looks like we just tolerate each other for the sake of work but I consider him a good friend. We've hung out at diners and gone video game shopping together. He bought me Grand Theft Auto because I was having a shitty week. I am constantly making sure that he has ginger ale around because of his bad stomach. And there was that one time we stopped to take pictures of Ferris Wheels.

He is my proof that while male/female friendships are damn near impossible they can work. So when he invited us to this Halloween/Birthday party I couldn't say no. This boy has done more for me than any other person and I didn't want to let him down. A few days before the party I told him that I was excited and nervous to be going. He asked why and I told him that I don't really do social gatherings. He then reminded me of all the times I bailed on him in the beginning of our friendship and I felt all guilty and stupid because there have been instances when I could have hung out with him and I decided not to because he wasn't Sean or Kat.

Justin asked me if I was going to be alright with Sean being there and I shrugged and said 'of course, why wouldn't I'. Of course Justin and I bought knew I was lying but he didn't press me on the subject. The last month on the Boy front has been -meh. After the yelling match in his car, we've been very cautious around each other. Though I want to punch him in his face every time I see him I try, as best as I can, to keep calm around him. I am polite and friendly. I am funny and present. I am surfacing around him. I am skirting the edge of the surface though I know at any moment I am going to fall through.

But he is a wall. A wall. Any attempt to get through to him has been met with blank stares and a cold exterior. Outside of the brief glimpse of something I saw in the car that night the boy is impenetrable. He is Sean, aloof and not too bright  And I don't expect to know what is going on in his head but I'd like a glimpse. I'd like to know he felt something. And there have been many days where this aspect of Sean has driven me crazy and I lash out at him. But because I can't say what I really want to say I end up getting angry over something small and blowing it out of proportion.  Most nights I go home after an interaction with him and I am a mess of tears and anxieties.

And i guess my behavior and hurt feelings stem from the fact that he was my first Boy and I miss what he was before shit went down. I miss how it was before he rejected me. I miss feeling the potential and possibility with him. Because it was there. It's hard to explain and even write without getting a little upset. I don't ever want to belong to another human being. That is unrealistic. But that doesn't mean that I don't wanted to be needed by someone. it doesn't mean that I don't wish to matter to someone wholly. And in some weird way i wanted companionship with Sean. I wanted him to be my other half. I wanted him to be my significant.

And love/attraction/affection it makes you delusional. It enables you to create things from scraps. It amplifies moments and feelings and emotions that you otherwise would not validate or put so much weight into. It shields you from darkness, if only for a little while. And because of this I didn't care how messy my situation with Sean was because out of the scraps I had something. And up until him, I didn't have anything.

So yea, the last few months have been hard. Harder than I'd like to admit. Because he not only rejected me but he rejected the 'us' i envisioned. He blew the scraps I was clinging to right out of my hand. So naturally when Justin told me he invited Sean to the Halloween party I mentally and emotionally panicked. Every irrational fear popped into my head: that he would show up and ignore me, that he wouldn't show up but mainly I worried that he would bring his GF. Because while I am pretty sure he has made up every thing about her, her existence makes me nervous. Recently I've been having dreams about her, except in them she is always a ghost or a shadow or a person we talk about but who isn't real. And in my waking life I have been curious about this girl because in my mind she is either awful and Sean is a fucking liar. Or she is...better than me. In every way.

Nevertheless, I was prepared to go to the party,fears aside, and just have a good time with my friends. This year was easy on the costume front. I decided to be cat woman (or my version of her) and spent less than $40 on the costume. Kat went as the female version of Rick Grimes from the walking dead and Chantal decided she would be a slutty vampire.

On Saturday as I was getting dressed Sean called and wanted to know when I was going to be there. At the last minute he decided he wanted to go and that he fixed my whip for the costume (long story) and would bring it to the party. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't a little bit excited that he was going to be there. Cause I was. But I promised Kat that I wouldn't ditch her to hang out with him all night and to be honest with how things have been I didn't want to give him any attention.

We showed up at the party an hour late (short story. we got lost) and then awkwardly waited outside a house we weren't sure was his. One of us called him and told him to meet us in the driveway and a few minutes later Justin and Sean came outside to greet us. I was sort of surprised to see Sean come out with Justin to meet us. He was dressed in a Star Trek outfit and Justin as a character from the game Bioshock. Sean seemed very glad to see 'us', Justin gave us hugs and then walked us up the driveway to his basement apartment.

The house was packed with about 10-15 people and I naturally found my place in a corner. After a few introductions here or there, drinks were poured and chattering began and I tried to 'ignore' Sean or at least let his face blend into the crowd. But after about 30 minutes of socializing talking to a girl dressed as an adorable leopard, I couldn't help but look around to see if I could spot Sean in the crowd. But it wasn't that hard to find him. As soon as I turned my head away from Adorable Leopard I catch Sean sitting on the edge of the couch, drink in head, starring directly at me. Like intensely.  As if he was lost in the sight of me. I am not exaggerating this. I wish that I was. I'm glad that i'm not. He was starring so hard I thought maybe he had willed me to turn around with his brain.

He was starring at me as if he was surprised by the sight of me. It's hard to explain. It was impassioned and direct so much that that i forgot Adorable Leopard was talking to me. He quickly realized that i'd caught him staring and turned back to the group of people he was talking to. I turned to Kat to see if she'd seen what I saw but she didn't. A few minutes later I am grabbing some cookies from a table and Sean finally approaches me to say hello. He's all flushed (probably from the alcohol) and wants to know why we were late. I tell him that we got confused and ramble on about google maps not being as accurate as we wanted. But he isn't paying attention, not really, because he can't stop starring at me. I ask him what's up and he mumbles 'oh, nothing, I think your cat ears are crocked". I tell him to fix it for me since I can't see what my ears look like and he fumbles so badly I end up just removing them from my head the rest of the night.

He says he has something for me and then goes to grab this target bag in the corner of the living. He fixed my whip, as best as he could, and says he hopes it works. I, of course, am excited that the boy stuck to his word when he agreed to fix it and I show him the holster on my hip that I can latch the whip to. The rest of the night is very muted and weird between us. A group of us settled into Justin's living room to watch the queue of Halloween movies. His couch can sit four people so Kat, Chantal, Leopard and I take our rightful spots. There are a few random chairs scattered throughout the room that Sean and Annoying Guy (who gets completely drunk) sit at.

I am sitting on the end of the couch, closest to Sean's chair and he is quiet and reticent during two movies. Kat keeps poking fun at him because Sean is more awkward than she expected. I tell her to stop and then I turn to him and ask if he is okay. He says 'yes' and then looks at the screen again. I ask him if he is having a good time, he says 'yes' and then turns back to the screen. Chantal gets up to go to the kitchen and grab another drink. When she leaves Sean 'casually' moves from his chair and next to me  on the couch but doesn't say much of anything. He asks what I am drinking and I let him smell that vodka/cranberry mix that Chantal made for me. He asks if he can have some and I let him and then he settles back into the couch while I watch his face for any reaction.

When Chantal comes back Sean doesn't want to move but she threatens to kick his ass if he doesn't ( she is much bigger than him), so he gets up and returns to his seat. After awhile I want to go outside for some fresh air. Sean says he'll go with me along with his cousin Steve (who i'm good friends with). Sean is a lot more comfortable and lively outside. We are out there for about 10 minutes when I say that I want to go back inside because i'm cold. Sean and I start making our way to the apartment when Steve asks if he can have a few minutes alone to talk to me. Sean shrugs and says sure and goes inside.

He wanted to talk because a week earlier I was having a shit day at work (he only works the weekend there and put in his two weeks just recently) and I cried in front of him. He asked if everything was okay and I said 'kind of' and then I told him that I was having an issue with a person I trusted. He asked who the person was. I said I couldn't tell him. He guessed that the person in question was either Kat or Sean based on my relationship with them. When I ruled out Kat he seemed kind of surprised that Sean has been the root of my anxiety and depression. He asked why and I told him that I couldn't get into because he's Sean cousin and because the situation is too complicated to explain. I'm not sure if Steve knows what I am alluding to but he seems to pick up quickly. But I am surprised by what he says next.

He goes on to say that he knows that Sean has feelings for me (what?!?!?) but that Sean is hiding behind his relationship with his girlfriend, that is in fact as shitty as I suspected. Steve goes on to say that it isn't even a real relationship but a half assed one that they are both sort of hanging on to out of convenience. He said that Sean is confused about a lot of things, especially what he wants and what is good for him. He then says that I am smart and talented and funny and independent and capable of thinking on my own and that his girlfriend (that one that I am supposedly less than) is none of those things! None of them! But because Sean is so stuck on the idea of her he doesn't listen to anyone around him when they tell him that what they have isn't healthy or normal. Sean has gotten so use to the routine that he is blinded by it. He can't see the good because he's never had it and it frightens him that he could with someone that is not his girlfriend. That someone being me.

MIND FUCKING BLOWN!!!!!

I was too wrapped up in the 'Sean likes you' statement at the time to take in all the other stuff he said but now of course I have analyzed the shit out what Steve said and I am as confused as ever. But also relieved cause Sean's a fucking liar and I am not crazy. Everything he said in the car was defensive

I ask Steve what i was supposed to do if what Sean says and how he feels doesn't match up because i can't wait for him to get his mind straight. But Steve didn't really have an answer for me. He said one day Sean could wake up and be a man or that he won't and he'll keep playing part time relationship with awful girlfriend and making bad decisions and lying to himself cause it's easier than admitting the truth. He said that I should stay away from him though, create distance, not be available to him if he can't be fair to me. He said also said that Sean has a lot of issues unrelated to relationship ones. He is immature and selfish and angry and that there are better guys out there. Especially for a girl like me.

Of course the moment i want Steve to keep telling me things that Sean will never ever say, Sean comes back out and says he has to drive Annoying Guy home because he is stupid drunk and making an ass out of himself. Steve and his gf decide to go with them and when they leave the party i am suddenly overcome with relief and sadness (he calls again, later that night to apologize cause he forgot to give me something else that he thought i'd like for my costume. It's a skull and cross bracelet). What am i supposed to do with this bit of information. A part of me has been jumping up and down like a dumb schoolgirl who just got the news that her crush likes her back. But the other part of me realizes that this boy may not be good for me. He can be awful. He is not nice and worse he continues to lie to me and himself about our relationship.

I refuse to wait around for him. He is using these last few months before he goes to the navy to 'enjoy' himself but 'telling Beckett that i like her' is not on the list of things and the last few days I've been acting weird around him because i know the semi-truth. On Sunday we went to the Bronx to watch wrestling again. This is the first time we've been back to that bar, alone, since July and i was nervous. And he seemed nervous as well. All the other girls there were coupled up with their boyfriends and Sean and I were afraid to even touch either. At one point i went to grab my jacket and I accidentally touched his thigh and he damn near had a heart attack. He asked what i was doing, I told him i was cold, he then moved his jacket over his legs and wouldn't look at me for two matches.

Even if things don't work out with me and this boy, I feel robbed that we haven't had a chance to see what 'us' could look like because he's too scared to act on his feelings. And I'm not brazen enough to put myself out there again.

Pictures from this Weekend

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.

Crazy.

And attending Comic Con was just the small end of it. I promise i'll post a real entry soon. I am doing surprisingly well if not slightly overwhelmed and tired. But generally...okay.

Here's a few pictures from this weekend. I may need a whole month to recover:

More to come!

Notes on a Breakup

he clinched his fist and suspended them over the steering wheel.

 

he clinched his fist. turned to me, teary eyed and angry.

 

i’ve never seen some one so determined not to strike another human being.

 

i could see it in his face. he wanted to hit me.

 

and his restraint not to do so scared me.

 

I could see him trying to remember why he wouldn’t.

 

I could see him measure why he should.

 

'i don't understand why you're so mad' i say, delicately, with ease, to diffuse the situation.

 

There is a pause. A break. Followed by silence.

 

He turns his face away. His fist now uncurled.

 

'because you have gotten in my head' he finally says 'you've gotten in and i need you to get out'

 

[break]

 

'you pretend as if i don't think about you—-fuck—i don't want to do this—fuck get out of my car—all the time Beckett--i wonder if you are okay, if you've gotten home safely, how you've slept—-fuck get out of my car—-get the fuck out---i hate you—-i worry about your dumb cat—-i want to—-i can't do this—— '

 

[break]

 

'and now you're saying i'm the reason you want to go away'

 

[break]

 

‘I’m the cause of all this’

 

[break]

 

'if you are lying to me right now'

 

[break]

 

'how did you think it would make me feel—i fucking—swear to gawd— to hear you say you'd rather leave than be near me'

 

‘what is it about me that—Beckett, get out of my head--- I can’t do this—you are killing me—”

...that time i made Sean so mayad i thought he was going to rip my heart out...

A few weeks ago, mid August, I tearfully called my mom and asked if i could come home for a few days/weeks/months...forever just to get my mind straight.

The last few weeks have been well, a roller-coaster of emotions. I am either okay and managing or a hot mess of anxiety and tears and not managing well. There is no in-between.

On the okay days, I am able to just be in the moment and enjoy things. I now work semi-full time at the university because Heather (the girl i worked with) got a new job and until they find a replacement I am working more hours there. And I like my job on this campus. I like my office and my view. I like the people I work around. And the cafe serves the best grilled chicken wrap ever.

On the okay days, I surround myself with goodness. I have supportive good friends who enjoy late night trips to this hole in the wall diner as much as i do. I have my video games and my books and music. I have my trips to the city and cute clothes. Fall is here along with the return of my sweaters. AND the orange cat FINALLY sleeps at the foot of my bed. Two years later and he finally sleeps with me. On the okay days, I am happy. I am surfacing. I am okay.

But those days are far too few in numbers. For every okay day there are a handful of fucking awful ones. Le Sad store has literally become the worst place ever. Management sucks. Every week someone is getting fired and the new hires are so young it's embarrassing. Annoying Cashier and his Annoying Gf broke up two weeks ago, she quit a week later and now we are struggling to cover shifts. And everyone else is just miserable. Absolutely miserable.

My insomnia has hit an all time high. Some days I work a double at Le Sad Store and the University and I am worn out by the time I get home. But despite how tired I am I can't fall asleep. I have developed this irrational fear of falling asleep, the process I mean. So it takes me longer than usual to just let sleep take over. I am also not eating well which has resulted in me losing a lot of weight. And people commenting on my weight loss only makes me even more self conscious about it.

To top it off I feel sad and anxious all the time. I am moody and cranky and have been down right bitchy to people. I feel disjointed and not like myself. It's as if some thing has crawled under my skin and is sucking the light out of me. I feel grey. Without hope and it's awful. I haven't felt or been myself  since the summer shenanigan went down and it's killing me. I didn't think a boy could fuck with my head and self worth so much, but alas, Sean has done it. He has dug a hole in my head and I can't get him out. 2 months later and I can't let go of any of the things he said to to me. Some days we are friends, and it is easy being near him. It is easy falling back into the comfort of our relationship. It is easy loving what he has to offer: attention, immediate and selfish attention.

But that is not enough. Especially after what went down. Cause most of the time, the other days, a friend is the last thing i want to be to this boy. When I am around him i feel low. I see him and I immediately hear the awful things he said to me. Every-time, it doesn't fail. I see him and i feel ugly. I feel small and not like a person. I am ugly and gross. I am not enough. I am something to be used and then discarded. And because of this, while I want to forgive him ,I don't know how because what he said has changed me. It has left me vulnerable. It has damaged something. It has chipped away at some part of me that was important. And i am never going to get it back.

Sure, i will get over it. Sure i will move on. Sure i will find a nice boy who likes every single part of me. Sure i will only surround myself with friends that respect me. But there will always be a part of me, who was that girl in the car, being told by a boy she really really liked that she wasn't good enough. I will always hear: 'you don't have to worry about me cheating on my girlfriend with you because she's like 'it' for me. She's all the way up here and i'm sorry but you just aren't'. And it won't be a huge part that stays with me of course but that feeling of invalidation and rejection will be there. There will always be a part of me that catches myself in the mirror and thinks 'i'm just not'  and i'm not sure how to get over that. I'm not sure how to stop hearing him.

I have this sense that people think (cause i've told my closest friends) my hurt feelings stems from the sexual part of our interaction and subsequent rejection. But that's not the case. I let this boy into parts of me that not even my mom and Kat have had access too. I've let this boy see aspects of myself that were not sexual and he invalidated that part. I'm okay with getting naked in front of him.I was okay with the  shower and the touching and the closeness (despite how strange it was). I didn't care that he wanted me to sleep on him.What I cared and still care about is afterwards when he could have just been fucking honest instead of being a coward. Instead of just saying 'hey I've always wanted to see what you look like naked. Hey i like having you around. We can't be anything because of the gf situation..."

Instead he said he was never interested. That friends use friends all the time and that's what he did. And I can't get over it. I can't. I don't think i ever will. Not because it was any old asshole telling me this but because it was Him. It was Sean. And what's worse is that I allowed all of this to get this far. I didn't care about the signs. I didn't listen to the advice. I went along with this bad relationship because I wasn't use to someone seeing me. I wasn't use to a boy thinking I was pretty and interesting. I liked being wanted. I craved his attention because it gave me worth.

So i invited him in. I gave him access to every part of me.And in an instant he broke me. He made the last year, and everything that has happened between us, seem like one big joke. And it has destroyed me, how easy it was for him to do it. He has broken me. And every time i see him, every time he comes around he triggers my anxiety and i feel worthless all over again.

And because of this I wanted a break from him. A physical one because it's hard going to work and being around him and feeling all those things and then having to go home and let all of it settle inside me. Its been hard. So i asked my mom if i could come home for a bit. Just a week to rest and not be in the environment that has suddenly because caustic and unreliable. And of course, she said yes. She said i could come home where she and my brother and my bed and home-cooked meals and the slow comfort of my small town life would be waiting for me.

So i took five days off from Le Sad store and intended to be in South Carolina from September 18-24th. Of course at the the last minute I decided I would save my travel money to go home for Thanksgiving because I couldn't afford to go home in September and for Thanksgiving but i still decided to take a break from Le Sad Store. I decided I could still use those days to re-group and center myself. This whole week everyone has been wishing me a safe trip down south and even though i wasn't going home I've said the whole 'yea, thanks, i look forward to being away for a bit'. Because it's the truth. I look forward to not being at work.

But Sean has been increasingly annoying about my vacation time this week. He'd say things like 'i'm happy you're going home. You deserve a break", and from anyone else this would not have unnerved me. This would not have gotten under my skin. But because HE is/was the reason i choose to go away and it cut like a razor whenever he'd ask me about my vacation. It did. My last day at work was Tuesday and I was in not in the greatest of moods. A few days earlier Sean came at me aggressively about his birthday gift ( i bought him a ticket to New York Comic Con this year. They began mailing the tickets two weeks ago and because his ticket is being mailed to me He came up to me last week as i was talking to a friend and said "where is my ticket. I kind of need it. Everyone I know has there tickets and I kind of need it, like now'. I was taken aback because he wouldn't be going this year if it weren't for me and he looked as if he was accusing me of not giving it to him on purpose. I didn't have it of course, which i told him, but by them he'd already triggered so many emotions i couldn't deal the rest of the night), I was not nice to him after this because of obvious reasons and have spent the better part of the week regretting that even when i was the most mad at him I wanted to give him something nice. And even then he didn't appreciate it.

Anyway, Tuesday was not a good night and by the end of our shift, I said 'i'm so fucking happy to not be here for a couple of days. I'm stressed and I can't deal and I need to get away from here". So Sean says 'hopefully you'll have fun in North Carolina. Isn't that where you are going on vacation?". And I lost it. I lost it. I turned to him slowly and said "it's South Carolina and you know the reason i planned this getaway was because of you, right?. I'm not going just so i can see my mom and brother. I'm going because I needed to get away from you. I needed time not being around you, so i'd really appreciate it if you stop wishing me a happy vacation when that's not why i'm going"

And guys, this comment set him off. I have never, in the whole time we've known each other, seen him so upset. He asked me if i was kidding. I said no. He asked me again, if i was serious. And I said yes. I told him the truth. That I requested time off from work because I couldn't deal. Being at work and seeing his face and feeling all the things i'd felt was damaging to me and I requested time off so that I could escape him for awhile.

And he gets really quiet. And his face gets red. And he looks dangerous. Unrecognizable. And I am a little scared. And he asks me to get away from him. Violently. He can't believe I would say that to him. He can't believe that I would do that to him. I am such a bastard. A bitch. What am i trying to do to him. And i'm a little confused because it is seriously the most honest thing I've said to him since shit went down and he is malfunctioning in front of me.

When we get to his car, because of course we have to finish the conversation, he is pissed. He is fist clinched and red eyed pissed and he is demanding answers from me. Did i really take days off of work because of him? Is he the sole reason why I've been feeling like shit? How did I think he would react to finding out that he is the reason i'm leaving? And I'm not sure if this realization is a good thing or bad thing. He keeps asking why I am doing this to him and I don't know what he means. And he says that it makes him feel like SHIT that he could cause so much, not pain, he doesn't say pain, but it makes him feel like Shit that i'd rather leave the state than be near him.

And then he kicks me out of his car. He asks me to leave. But of course I don't. So then he asks me to give him examples of what he could have said or done that has made me hate him so much i'd leave because of him. And while I can write the words, I can't say them to him. I don't know how to verbalize it. Because he'll take it the wrong way, he always does. He'll think that because he said he wasn't attracted to me my ego is bruised and now i'm just pouting like a spoiled girl.

Instead what i want to yell is that i'm upset that he didn't choose me. I showed him all of me and he didn't pick me. He didn't validate me or our relationship. He let me down. He disregarded me. I wanted to be apart of his life and he in some way shut me out.

We end our argument on a sour note. He asks what will happen when i come back and i tell him i don't know. I ask him the same thing and he says he doesn't know either. But my words, like his, has changed his face. He looked broken and out of sorts. He said I got into his head and fucked the contents up. He said I was right and that has made him feel awful. And when we say goodbye this time it feels final. It felt final and while i know it's for the best, it feels fucking awful.

What Had Happened Was...

First step to mending a broken heart....destroy every last thing Sean ever purchased/stole for me.

This week has been rough. Standing behind me decision to distance myself from Sean makes me feel fucking crazy. I know that this boy does not need to be a part of my life. I know that i need to move on. I have been playing it cool really well these last few shifts at work. I am polite but i keep my distance. I am friendly but not his friend. He asks how I am doing. I say fine, thanks, and I walk away. I do not look for him at the store so we can talk. I do not wait to take my break with him.

I am treating him like a co-worker. And while he has noticed this change in affect towards him he seems for the most part okay.  He is as unaffected as a robot, which drives me crazy. And this past week of playing it cool around him has not gone super well. I am able to be nice and polite when he is around but i as soon as i get home I fold into the covers and cry like a pathetic loser.

Last night was unusually rough. I just couldn't handle working with him. Annoying Guys girlfriend came back from her weekend long vacation and Sean and her spent the whole shift talking. I felt jealous and angry and replaced. I tried to hide my disdain but lost my shit one of our security guards asked if Sean and Annoying Guys gf were dating because he'd seen them chatting it up in the kids department.

Rational me would have been annoyed by this (because i loathe annoying guys annoying girlfriend) and brushed the comment aside. But irrational me is a crazy bitch. I loathed Annoying Guys Annoying Girlfriend. She hates Sean. Why the fuck are they all close and friendly. Why they fuck did he follow her around like a lapdog. Why isn't he trying harder to make amends with me instead of fucking around with her. I told you, irrational me is a crazy stupid girl. So of course I fumed the rest of my shift. I left work in a huff, jumped into my friend Justin's car and cried on the way home.

I immediately relayed everything to Justin in my driveway. He is a very very platonic friend. He is also the most neutral person I have ever come across. He sees both sides to every thing and I needed to tell someone outside of the Sean and I drama. I needed an observer. Outside of Kat and this blog, having to keep this all to myself is killing me. Literally it is eating me alive.

I have felt crazy because I am unable to just 'move on'. I want to move on. A part of me wants things to return to normal while the other part of me is okay with that not happening. But I want this boy to feel like the piece of shit that he is. I just want to see it once and it'll make me feel better. I don't want to see him hamming it up with people at work while I am dying inside. I don't want him laughing and having a grand old time while I am sad and disjointed.

But because he is sub-human, it's like throwing punches at a wall trying to make him feel anything. I on the other hand have the disease of the FEELS. I feel every single fucking emotion like i am getting paid. When I am sad, i am doubled over in my pillow sad. When I am anxious I am skin crawling shaking anxious.

I feel used and disrespected by this whole ordeal. I feel ashamed. Worst of all I feel wrong about a boy I really liked. I feel sort of like an ashat for ignoring all the warning signs. I feel stupid for thinking he could be anything short of an asshole.

And Justin listened patiently. He seemed at a loss for words at first but then presented his neutrality to me. I could either accept that the whole thing was fucking weird and that Sean's an asshole and move on or accept the bath/shower thing for face value, that I got to see my crush naked, shit went down and move on.

The gist of it...move on.

Then when I told him that it was hard to do because I want to punch him in his face every time i see him, Justin suggested I take my anger out elsewhere. To find something, break the shit out of it, repeat until i felt a little better. But afterwards I'd have to find a way to move on.

And so 3 hours later, i decided to take his advice. I found myself sitting cross-legged on my floor with this Bioshock infinite game in my hand. Sean bought it for me for my birthday a month after the actual date because he was too busy. He then broke the first disc (it came with four. 2 being the actual game, the other ones were extra content) by accident when I was at his house and we decided to play it there. For the last few months I have held on to this game I can't play because HE bought it for me. It was the first thing he ever bought for me that I didn't have to ask for.

It was the first thing I needed to destroy. And sure i felt crazy as fuck ripping the living shit out of this box set but it was a little therapeutic. This is going to get easier. I know it will. It has to. I have survived worse. I keep telling myself this. I have survived worse from people who actually meant something to me and who i meant something too. I will survive and move past this. I am certain of it.

~Beckett

And yes, cleaning up the mess was not as fun. I think there are still shards of plastic on my floor.

Cold War Standoff and Other Fun Shennigans

In 10 years i'll be able to look back on my relationship with Sean and laugh that there was ever a time where I honestly liked this boy. That there was a time i considered a 101 different possibilities with him. Cause after the last four weeks I think i'm finally getting that he isn't the boy i needed/wanted him to be.

I sent him that email soon after I finished typing it up around 3am Wednesday morning. Everything I wanted to say I managed to say. I left some things out obviously. I also downplayed my crush on him but I was truthful about everything else. The main thing i wanted to  get across to him was that I've been really respectful of his boundaries. I have never done anything outside of daydreaming to assert my feelings. And honestly his reaction to that weekend and his low blow comment was the issue.

I wasn't sure if he was going to respond or what he would say if he did. Because of this I didn't get much sleep that night/morning. I made plans to head to our local farmers market with friends at noon but of course I was late. I spent much of that trip replaying what I wrote. When I got to work at the University I checked me email several times but there was nothing from him. I'm not sure what I was expecting anyway, the boy barely responds to my text messages but i figured because he asked me to write him he would get back to me.

Around 5 I finally got his response. Prepare yourself for how thoughtful it is:

i want you to know that i read your email in its entirety. you have given me more to think about than i was thinking about before. i feel terrible that i have abused your trust in me. i want you to know that you have been a better friend to me in four years than most of my lifelong friends. the problem in my point of view as well as yours is that my attitude is for lack of better term, 'sub-human', most of the time. i AM sorry. i am not as articulate or thorough as you are so for now i will say no more.

That's it. Nothing else. It couldn't have been more generic. And what the hell does sub-human mean? I spent about an hour googling it and I still have no clue what it means. I concluded that it doesn't mean you can treat people like shit because your thought process regarding situation is less than human. I don't understand.

Needless to say I was not thrilled by the response. I mean, i'm happy he wrote me back. I'm glad he read the whole thing. And to be fair he has apologized several times these past few weeks in his own weird way. It's just not how i'd go about apologizing cause i'm more empathetic and sincere. And He isn't. He's subhuman. Whatever that means. When I got to work Friday, I wanted things to finally resolve themselves. At first we attempted to make light conversation. I wasn't expecting him to bring up our email exchange but a part of me was waiting for him to call a truce. He didn't. Instead we spent the night smiling weakly at one another. It was weird.

As we where cleaning up the store I bumped into him in the breakroom. He looked at me and made a weird cat purring/growling noise followed by a grimace. I looked at him and said 'really, we haven't spoken all night and that's all you have to say'. This motherfucker smirks at me, begins to walk away and says "yea, i guess it is". This flippant reaction infuriates me. I am infuriated. For everything he has put me through I am enraged that he seems mad and dismissive towards me. When we get outside we are arguing like a weird married couple. I ask him why he's mad. That he does not have any reason to be mad. He says he's not mad but i've been ignoring him all night. I'm the one who is acting immature.

We then start arguing through squinted eyes and closed mouths. He asks if I got his email. I replied that I did but i didn't get much from it and that after tonight he could have just written 'go fuck  yourself' because if this was his attempt at making things better it's shit'. He gets angry and says 'that's what you got from my email. Go fuck yourself?' and because i'm mad i'm like 'yep, that's what i got". But then instead of getting angry, he looks generally exhausted. He looks just exhausted and he asks me to 'stop. just stop doing this'. And while i am heated and want to beat the shit out of him i'm sort of taken aback to hear him say this.

I tend to hold grudges for a while. I am stubborn and my thought process can be very narrow. It's been a month since "rumble in the bronx' gate and there we were still talking about it. There I was still wanting an apology i realized I was never going to get. I have been clinging in anger rather than sadness. And it's not to say this boy isn't wrong because he is. If he is not attracted to me than none of that shit should have gone down. If he is attracted to me none of that shit should have gone down with him having a girlfriend. But on my part though I could have said no. But i didn't want to appear like a prude, I didn't want to give the impression that i wasn't interested and I didn't want to be like his gf who doesn't like being around him. So i participated with little hesitation. But I still participated. I went along because I wanted to even when I felt it wasn't normal.

But we have been unable to resolve this mess because of me. And for the first time since this all went down, i realized I didn't want to do this anymore either. I'm as exhausted. I can't sleep. I can't eat. My mind is consumed with this situation. I want to be right. I want to make sure that i am not crazy in thinking what we did and what he said afterwards is a crock of shit. I have been embarassed by the situation. That i've put so much into a boy who turned out to be what everyone warned me about. My ego has been bruised. And that is what i've been clinging on to but it's wearing me thin. And in that moment I saw it was doing the same to him.

Because Sean was going to a movie after work and I was getting a ride from a very patient co-worker I couldn't stick around and respond to him. I started walking away and he said i could email him again if I wanted to. I said i'd think about it but I didn't write him one that night. I was too tired and confused by the whole night. When I woke up though I decided that i'd had enough as well. That despite wanting to make this boy feel like the shit that he is, being the bigger person is sometimes better than being right(even though i am).

So before I went to work Saturday I penned him what hopefully has marked the end of my drama between him:

maybe for the time being email will be the best way to communicate for while. And don't worry this one will be a lot shorter than the last. I promise. I'm sorry last night was sort of a disaster. I wasn't ignoring you (entirely) but i'm not going to lie and say i didn't try to keep my distance.I appreciate what you said in your last email and though we express our feelings differently, I know that you feel terrible about what's gone down between us. Subsequently i feel terrible for holding a grudge and being unable to understand your POV. I googled Sub Human and I still don't think I understand what that means but i assume it explains why you see things they way you do. But I happen to be all human, it's just who i am. I feel the way i do, i react on emotion and I want things fixed they way i want them. I'm a selfish prideful human being what can i say. But it doesn't give me the right to be a dick. Up until last night I was hoping everything could be resolved with a simple head nod and hug it out but realistically it's just going to have to work itself out on its own over time and i'm sorry if i'm pushing things. I can't push time and I can't push how we resolve this and I especially can't push you. You're never going to know how i feel, you're never going to know how I think and the same applies to you, I can't pretend to know what your feeling or what your thought process is just because i want to be right about my own.

 

A part of me wants so desperately for things to be normal again that I get upset that its not. It just feels weird not being able to talk to you and go to you like I use to. It's feels abnormal. It feels...dare i say... Sub-normal? But i def don't want work to be our battleground because of this. I respect our friendship more than that and work should be the last place where awkward and tense filled interactions between us occur. We're better than that. So even if our conversations in the next couple of weeks are short and shallow, even if we spend our shifts dodging each other in the aisle and giving wry smiles maybe just for awhile it's what we need. And up until last night I wasn't willing to accept this but it may be for the best. Plus fighting like an old married is embarrassing, lol. It doesn't mean i should be a dick to you and want to hulk smash your face when you sort of do this weird 'well what do you expect' eye roll thing. But it also doesn't mean you should take my silence and aisle dodging for being an asshole. I realize now, that space is probably the best. Maybe for a bit the space between us is necessary, not desired, but necessary. At least until a new normal between us is established.

 

On Sunday (cause Saturday he spent his whole shift literally avoiding me) I called a verbal truce. I wandered into the back of the store, held my hands up and told him i wasn't there to fight or yell. I just wanted to know if he got my email (he hadn't checked his email in days so no) and then I said I was sorry. Not for the mess that we are in but of how i've been reacting to it. That i know in his weird way he's been trying to apologize to me but that i've been less than receptive because it isn't how i imagined it. I told him that I wasn't sub-human and i'd never understand what that meant but that as a full human i'd have to just accept his attempts and move on.

 

And with that we ended Rumble in the Bronx gate. I'm not sure what is going to happen next. I am certain how friendship will be greatly altered after this. I know that it won't be the same. But i am okay with this. I'm okay with him being my first mistake. I'm okay with moving on.

Penning Notes

When I was a kid my mom use to make me write notes when i was sad. Obviously i was a pretty sensitive kid. I mean i was outgoing and a troublemaker. I was smart and inquisitive but I was always a little sad, always an over thinker and a bit of a loner.

My mood has always been mercurial and to understand them better my mom would make me write about what was making me blue at the exact moment I started feeling it. Literally she would see me in a corner sulking, ask what was wrong, and then give me paper to draw or write my feelings out. My brother was the drawer in the family, so naturally I compensated with words.

And I guess that's why journaling and writing has always been a thing I've done. For as long as I can remember, anything I've ever written has been related to 'the feels', a place where my emotional and mental state reside. I have never been one to express myself well in speech. I tend to get choked up and tongue tied at the sound of my own voice. I feel anxious and am prepared for criticism. But words are easy. They come straight from 'the feels' a place, unlike my brain, that i rarely second guess.

So when The Dumb Boy asked me to write him a letter last night describing why I am still mad at him, it sort of made sense. Last night we worked together but it was awkward as fuck. When I got in he wanted a hug. I looked at him like he was crazy and asked him why. He said because it's "your Beckett thing. You give hugs and stuff. Its your norm". I looked him straight in the eye and told him I didn't want to hug him. Hugs aren't what we do anymore and then I pitifully told him we could air hug it out. He looked genuinely upset but I was unmoved.

The rest of the night we were annoyingly pleasant and cordial. I listened to him tell dumb stories. He laughed at my lame attempts at conversation. I asked him if he could drive me home and he said yea and then said "or we could..." but i cut him short and said 'we could drive me home. That's it".

The bulk of our relationship is spent in his car. I can't tell you how many times I've talked it out with him there. But last night I wasn't really in the mood to talk. But i told him that our friend from work asked if we were okay and it thought it was weird because no one outside of Kat knows what happened. He asked what i told our co-worker/friend so i relayed what i said: I told him that i felt my relationship with Sean was like an unfair boxing match. Sean's in one corner with steel gloves and I have nothing. And i have gone through many rounds getting pummeled by this kid. I have been sucker punched over and over again but eventually you don't feel like getting hit anymore. Eventually you realize you can't win the fight, so you give up.

Sean said: so this means you feel like your in an abusive relationship with me
Me: I feel like a person so use to being battered emotionally, i flinch when you are near.

When he pulled in front of my drive way there was that stupid moment of silence where we didn't know what to say to one another. Eventually he said I could call him if i wanted to talk further but i said i didn't want to call  him. There was nothing more to say out loud. So then he suggested I email him instead 'because you're the writer and everything' and despite how mad i was at him....motherfucker was right. So i spent three hours penning him an email. I put everything down on 'paper', here are some of the excerpts:

• the last few weeks have been shit and it all stems that weekend. Which sucks because I had a fucking dope time Sunday/Monday. When you asked me to hang out and go to the bar, I was all in. I didn’t really want to go to work anyway, I wanted to see John and his gf, I actually wanted to watch wresting but mainly I wanted to hang out with you. And it was great. There was wrestling and sort of drunk you and swimming and Roy (his cat). There was Rumble in the Bronx and oatmeal and Oldboy. There were all those elements of hanging out with you that i like
• So naturally when the other stuff happened  I was little confused. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t spend as much time around a person without developing some feelings. But my feelings for you have always been on a ebb and flow basis depending on the day. There are moments when I like you more than i should.  You were like the jordan catalona to my angela chase (my so called life reference. Check it out). And despite everyone warning me of your immaturity and selfishness and shady character (their words not mine), I saw something else. You were a little jaded and rough around the edges but I liked you cause you the opposite of me.
• but you tend to throw the ‘my gf is it for me’ thing in my face at the weirdest times. The weirdest! as if you are reminding yourself to remind me that you don’t like me. Which would be okay, if i at any point in our friendship I’d made a move on. But I’ve always respected your boundaries. I’ve surprisingly always respected your relationship with your gf. And I don’t want a half assed relationship with anyone and would never put myself in a position to be with someone who didn’t want me and me alone. AND I’ve never really felt respected by you. I’ve often times felt available and within reach like a lapdog you can count on to always be around. But nothing more.
• So needless to say the last few weeks and the mess that has followed has to do with the other stuff that happened that weekend. THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Seanie, if I can be honest right now I would not ask to take a shower with someone I don’t like or at least have not thought about seeing naked. Past, Present or Future. I would never take a bath with a friend or even a roommate because of the intimacy it entails Hell I don’t even drink from the same cup as family members. Those are very intimate acts that you don’t get involved in with someone that’s just a random friend. And I think you don’t understand that intimacy does not have to be sexual but it’s not one you share with just anyone.
• And while all that shit that happened was also really dope that weekend, I kind of felt awkward afterwards. I felt invalidated when you were like ‘well it’s just body parts, penis, boobs, it’s not like I wanna have sex with you”, I was a little disgusted. Cause in my mind I’m like here I am with the boy I trust the most in our most exposed state and he’s being mad dismissive of it. And it felt intimate. Not sexual. But intimate. But that is still something that cannot be discarded. Cause I would never have done any of those things with….anyone. I would not have put myself in that position with someone I didn’t wholly trust and believe they had my interest as well in the back of their mind.
• So when I came to you on Tuesday to talk about it, it wasn’t because I wanted you to say that you liked me. That you had an interest. Girl you be fiiine. But because I felt like the safety of our kind of flirty and argumentative and fun tension filled relationship had been blurred. And I didn’t want to straddle that line, especially after the previous gates where NOTHING happened and I was still getting the ‘my gf is it for me spiel’.  And if you just would have said “you know what you’re right. Maybe we shouldn’t have done all the stuff. It was kind of wrong. I fucked up. You’re my best friend and I hate that I made you feel that way”. I would have been a little hurt and miffed and ignored you for a few days but still okay with it. Because In all honesty it’s how I felt. But instead you said that I didn’t have to worry about you cheating on your gf with me because ‘I’m not attracted to you. I’m sorry. What else do you want me to say. She’s all the way up here and everyone else is…” you get the point. What you said was harsh. It was rude. And it was insensitive and immature. Especially because I didn’t and haven’t initiate anything outside of being your friend for the last four years.
• that's something you say to someone who has thrown themselves at you despite repeated rejection. It’s something you say to someone who has been reading the signals wrong. It something to say to a clingy asshole. Not someone who has let you sleep in her room without any kinky shit going down. Not to someone who let you use her phone to call your gf.  Not to the girl who has despite past or current feelings for you has been really respectful of your relationship with your gf. And mainly not to someone who didn’t ask for any of that shit to occur but who just participated because in her mind she was hanging out with a boy she thought was great and who she thought thought the same thing of her.  
• And for the life of me, I can’t imagine you being okay with your gf taking a shower or bath with a male friend. If she were attracted to him or not. I can’t imagine you thinking it was normal and just an everyday thing.
  I’m serious.
  For a moment, PLEASE, put her in this situation and maybe then the fuckedupness of it all will make more sense. I’m not saying it to be a douche or because I know she’s a sensitive topic and you get mad defensive but you don’t see anyone outside of her. That was the only honest thing I got from you in the car that Tuesday. You take her in to account more than anyone else, because of this  for a moment just imagine your gf hanging out with her close male friend and asking him to do all the things we did that weekend in the bathroom, how would you react?
  Just imagine it for a moment? How would it look to you from an outside perspective?Whatever you are feeling now is how I felt. That’s how I feel. It's fucking terrible isn't it?
• And I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. There's a part of me that is always going to want to be your friend. I want you to have a banging good time before you join the Navy. But right now it feels like we’re strangers. And That’s what I mean when I said we aren’t friends because we’ll never be like we were before. We could be nothing after this. . I don’t want it to be, but… we could. I’m hoping will be better then before. A little more honest and less blurred lines but better. But only you can fix this. I’ll do my part.  I’ll remain present and here. I won’t disappear. But I’m bruised and battered man. I’m worn down. I’m a little broken. You keep throwing punches and pushing me further away and I’m a flinch away from giving up on this.

Yea, the letter ended up being a lot longer but that's the gist of it. I've done all i can. I've been a decent human being to this boy and he didn't deserve it. I've also spent the last three weeks hoping he'd attempt to make things better and I've gotten nothing more than him rubbing his head on my shoulder and a 'i'm sorry that you're sad' apology. This feels like the end with Sean. And while stressful and sad and tearful it feels right.

A Girl Named Stressed.

So I am still not in the best of spirits these days. I wish this weren't the case but my natural sensitivity has made the last three weeks tough to deal with.

The Elephant in the room remains one of my biggest stressors these days. He called last Wednesday to finally thank me for his birthday present. I was at work, so I missed his call and listened to the thank you voicemail during my break.

He said he'd lost his phone over the weekend, that's why he didn't call. He said that he loved my gift. The note especially. That if i wanted to call him back, I could, cause he'd be there to answer. I didn't call but i sent him a text saying I'm glad he liked his gift.

On Friday I walked in to work and he wanted a hug as if things were back to normal. I gave him one, asked him how his birthday was and then told him I couldn't talk for long because I had to clock in. I felt okay briefly cause I thought 'maybe i can just put all this behind me like he has. Maybe i can just be the better person and forgive and forget".

But as the night progressed I realized I couldn't. I'd see him hamming it up with a co-worker or having fun or making plans with the boy i hate and I'd be filled with anger. I've been wearing the stress of the last three weeks on my face. I've lost my appetite. I'm not sleeping well. There has been crying and sad music and all I've seen from this motherfucker in three weeks is smiles.

It irritates the shit out of me.

By the time my break rolled around I walked into the break room and he is face to face with the girl who works in music. They were talking about nonsense but there closeness and near touchiness makes me irritable, jealous and paranoid. All i can think as he is standing there face to face with this girl is 'i wonder if he thinks that is attractive. Her tallness. Her big boobs. Her curves. I wonder when he stares at her if he is attracted to that" and because of this I ignore them both when they ask me if I'm okay.

Because I'm not okay. I wasn't okay. I felt sick and nauseous and on the verge of passing out from everything. I walked out of the break room to take a breather  and when I came back in I sat down and laid my head down because my head felt turned inside out.

A minute or two later Sean comes back int to there break room and bangs on the table, to announce his presence. I lift my head and smile at him weakly and then put my head back on the table. Out of all the empty seats at the table he sits down next to me and for a solid 15 minutes he awkwardly eats his food while i try to hold back tears.

I don't remember much of what happened next. I asked him about the Navy. He said he didn't really know what he was doing but it was something. Then he asked me if I was happy just working at the store? If i was comfortable? Because that's why he's leaving. He doesn't want to be comfortable anymore.

I mumbled something but started feeling terrible. Like physically. My head was spinning, my belly was cramping, i couldn't concentrate on forming sentences. I shut down. Sean called a manager and told him I was having another of my 'dehydration spells' then i was interrogated on if I'd eaten enough or drank enough during the day.

By the time the manager came I asked if I could leave early and he said of course. As i was gathering my things said manager asked if I was stressed out about stuff and I said 'if only i could tell you' and he said that stress can trigger a lot of things. I should try taking it easier for a couple of days. Take care of myself as best as i could.

I walked home and sobbed. I got home and sobbed. I slept for 14 hours and listened to Fiona Apple. Sobbed some more. I then spent most of my shift Saturday sulking and being generally miserable. Everyone asked what was wrong but to respect Sean's privacy (and my own) I said I was just going through things. And this is bothersome as well because  i want to tell everyone the truth, not because I'm vindictive and a bitch but because i felt so invalidated by him. Not rejected but invalidated. And I can't tell a soul why. I can't.

If I could though I'd scream to anyone who would listen that Sean has been stringing me along for quite some time. He has been selfish and unfair to my feelings. He is delusion to his own. And that despite what he says about his girlfriend he's spent the last four months 'hanging' out with me. He calls me on the phone. He asks me to go out with him. He wanted to spend the night at my house. He wanted to move in together. When his parents weren't home for a week he was the one who asked me to spend the night. Oh, and naked naked touchy bath time happened. He wanted the bath and the shower and the spooning. Oh and I accidentally touched his balls (my foot roamed in the bath). Oh and he asked me how big his penis was. And said penis whacked me in the face when he was getting out of the tub. And oh, he wanted to look down my swim shorts. Oh and he had a boner. Oh and he jokingly suggested he'd go down on me, oh and this motherfucker asked me to sleep on him while he was wearing just boxer briefs and I was wearing only a t-shirt.

But nope not attracted to me. Nope not interested in dating me. Nope I'm the one who has taken everything out of proportion. I'm the crazy sad moopey girl who just needs to get over whatever is going on in my head. I'm the one who should suck it up and not feel just a little bit degraded that my first intimate relationship was with a boy who said he isn't interested. Not because he isn't but because the boy is an asshole.  A boy who just regarded my body as parts he was interested in looking at. Nothing more. 

Yep, but i'm the douche in this situation. I'm being too sensitive. I'm in the wrong for still being upset. I'm the one who is overreacting. I'm the one who should just let it go.

Ashats Have Birthdays Too.

So today Sean turns 27.

Stupid fuck face.

A few days before our weird weekend i asked Sean what he wanted to do this year for his birthday because last year he gave me such a hard time about wanting to celebrate it.

I spent weeks leading up to his birthday last year begging him to let me buy him a present. But he was such a grouch about birthdays and celebrations that i feared getting him anything cause he said he would get mad if I did. I ended up buying him windshield wipers because it was literally what he asked for and it seemed like a good compromise.

I thought I wouldn't get to see him on his birthday last year  because he took off work and I assumed he had plans with his family or girlfriend but in a weird turn of events I actually got to spend part of the day with him. A mutual friend  of ours was getting baptised on his birthday and she invited a bunch of us to go. Kat and I went along with another girl from work and Sean and some guy from work came along as well. We all thought it was pretty weird that he wanted to spend part of his birthday watching a baptism but i was too happy to be near him to care.

It was a nice day. We were all dressed in our Sunday best and on the beach and surrounded by love and new friends. I brought along another gift i collected for Sean and surprised him with it before he went home. While i hate giving money as a present (too impersonal) I knew it was something he wanted so I spent the previous week gathering birthday money from people at work. I collected about $78. I put it in a funny card and wished him a happy birthday, he seemed shocked and happy.

This year, because of the new depths of our  relationship, I wanted to do something grand yet small for his birthday. Bar hopping with friends, bowling and maybe a burlesque show or even just a day at the movies. Something, anything, because he told me he never has good birthdays and I wanted this year to be special, especially now that he is officially going to the Navy in January. I wanted his last birthday with friends to be nice.

But that got all fucked up with his bullshit about 'that weekend' and my hurt feelings. And any and all plans were immediately axed by moi. This past week fared a little better than last week but it still feels like everything is fucked. I can't forgive him and he has yet to apologize. He gave me a shit apology on Friday 'i'm sorry i made you upset' but has yet to take any accountability for what he did and what he said.

And yet i feel like the person losing him instead of being lost to him. I want him to feel miserable. I want him to be sad. I want him to feel like poop. Poop. And two weeks later, it is I who feels bad. It is I who doesn't want to be lost to him. It's the most backwards shit ever.

And it's not to say he isn't trying or he isn't feeling bad but this situation just seems so much easier for him to discard while it continues to pain me a little. I am pained by it. Regardless, I bought him his birthday present before all this shit went down and I couldn't return it. So i spent most of last week, silently weeping as I put together his birthday gift so I could give it to him on Friday.

This year instead of cash or windshield wipers I bought him tickets to New York Comic Con. He goes every year and its the one thing he said he'll miss when he is deployed ( i seriously am not sure how this boy got accepted into the Navy). I wanted to get him a three day pass to Comic Con but it was all sold out by the time I went to buy them. Instead I bought him a ticket for Friday and Saturday. It cost me a pretty penny but I was more concerned about thoughtfulness than anything else.

Because the actual tickets wont be mailed out until late September, I only had a printed receipt to gift him. So i bought him a couple of weekly comics, a special Comic Con edition of TV guide and printed out a few campy pictures of characters from graphic novels that he likes. I stapled them into a folder, so it opens like a book, and wrote him a note on top of a Comic Con 2013 logo that I printed off the website.

I wrote the note just before I gave him the gift on Friday ( i took the weekend off and i won't see again until this Friday so I had to give him his gift a few days early). I told him that I know things aren't good between us but that wouldn't have stopped me from getting him a gift. I told him that as his friend I wished nothing but happiness for him. I told him that i wished he wasn't so afraid of being the Sean that i fell in like with; the one who is great.  

He seemed taken aback when I gave him the wrap gift on Fir day. We were still kind of not talking but being polite and I nonchalantly said 'i got you something'. I then spent the rest of the night being a little distant and aloof. He didn't drive me home because he had plans to see a movie with this kid from work that i loathed. Before we said goodbye though I made him promise that he wouldn't open his gift until he got home. Or better yet,  to try and wait until his birthday to open it.

Even though i had a spectacular weekend (I'll post pictures soon of my adventures) I spent most of it looking down at my phone hoping to hear something from him. But i haven't. Not a thank you. Not  a 'you really shouldn't have'. Nothing.

I'm not sure why I keep hanging on to this boy who clearly does not deserve my attention. It's painful.

Happy Birthday Asshole.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Everything is terrible. Thanks life.

Just Miserable.

I have a more detailed post about the aftermath of Sean and I's fight. I wanted to write it all down so I wouldn't forget. And maybe because I could use some advice.

It's been a whole week though and I just feel like shit about the whole thing.

He said he wasn't attracted to me. He got defensive when I asked him if two friends showering and bathing together was normal. He got defensive and looked down in his lap and said that I didn't have to worry about him being faithful because he wasn't attracted to me.

He gave me the whole spiel again: his gf is way up here (indicating the sky) and because he's not attracted to me nothing would ever happen between us. I asked him if he was serious. About not being attracted to me. And he said "yeah, i'm sorry. What do you want me to say. Would you rather I lie to you. Are you only friends with people who are attracted to you"

He said this to me as if i had made the last four years of inappropriate flirting and hanging out on valentines day and him bringing me sand back and him kissing me on the forehead and him taking a fucking naked bath with me and him asking me to move with him to Delaware and him telling me on the way to the bar that he thought it was hot that i was older than him and him....gah, him being the aggressor. Always the aggressor.

He said this to me as if i was a child. As if I was insignificant.

And even if he was fucking lying to my face, even if he was trying to deflect the blame off of himself, i can't get the stupid words out of my head. I can't help but feel ugly and disgusting and undesirable. And worse, I think back to the girls he has admitted attraction to: Toothpick Girl and our ex-coworker Pam with the lazy eye and Cashier Girl and even his actual gf who a mutual friend described as pretty if she had a paper bag over her head. I can't help but think to myself that i'm 'undesirable' in the eyes of this boy. Me.

I am the one with the flaw. I am the one who will never mean anything. I am the one that in his eyes never had a chance.

 What then is wrong with me.

About This Weekend Part 1

For the time being Sean and i are no longer friends.

I am gutted. Simply and utterly gutted by this decision. But i don't really have a choice.

Here's the story.

Sunday Sean and I both called out from work so we could hang out. He wanted to go to a bar near his house to watch a PPV wrestling match and when he asked me, and me alone, to go I was elated. Instead of driving me home afterwards he said I could spend the night because his parents were away.

He picks me up at 7 and we head to the Bronx. Surprisingly we have a blast at the bar. We are both tipsy and happy to not be at work. He keeps leaning into me to say "i am so happy right now? are you? cause i am" and I look at him and say that I am. Genuinely happy to be there with him. When the match ends we have sobered up and head back to his house.

On the way there we talk about swimming in his pool. He had mentioned it before he picked me up so I already have my bathing suit in my overnight bag. He knows that I do not know how to swim so he makes promises that he'll at least teach me how to tread water. When we get to his house I tell him I am going upstairs to change into my bathing suit. He  looks at me and asks why i don't change in the living room in front of him. It's not like he won't see semi unclothed in the pool.

I laugh and tell him that i am going to change in the bathroom and when I come down he is already in his swimming trunks. The pool is not as deep as I thought it was going to be and i am able to stand in it with my head above water. We are in there for about 45 minutes. There are no lights on the deck so we are guided simply by our voices, the moon and the small flashlight he brought with him. I splash him with water a few times and he picks me up by the waist to lift me up and then throw me in the pool.

He talks about his fears of joining the Navy. I talk about wanting a new job and a new life and something new. He is cute in the water. He has very thick short hair so even when it is wet it doesn't lay flat. He keeps playing with it and telling me he needs a haircut. And I feel happy man. Even when he brings his stupid girlfriend up. I am happy because it is not his girlfriend in the pool with him.

My bathing suit consists of tiny board shorts and a black cap sleeved top. In the water it drifts up to my waist and then clings to me so that my flesh is showing. Sean places his hand on the stomach and asks if the softness he feels is my stomach or the shirt. I say it's my skin. He keeps his hands there for a moment and then pulls away. A few minutes later we decide to get out of the pool. On the way up the stairs he asks if I want to take a shower to rinse the chlorine off. I say yes and then he asks, nonchalantly, if he can take the shower with me.

I laugh until i realize he is serious so i say "you don't think it's a little weird". He seems annoyed and says "it's just a shower and if we were roommates we would shower together sometimes". I say "no, no we wouldn't" but nonetheless I find myself upstairs with him preparing to shower. I tell him he can come in with me but that I will remain fully clothed. He says okay. He turns the water on and I begin rinsing off.

Behind me he asks if the water is too hot. I say no. Then he asks if I really am going to keep my clothes on. I laugh and tell him that I am. He says he is going to take his shorts off because it's a shower after all. I turn around with apprehension but am not about to stop the boy because i like him and I've been curious about his nakedness and i trust that he won't do anything. He asks if i am going to look. I say that i won't. He says bullshit, that he wants me to look, just so i can let him know if he is as big as Michael Fassbender (my celebrity crush who's big dick i saw in Shame). We are almost chest to chest as he begins pulling down his shorts asking me to just look. I lock my eyes on his and tell him that I have a heart of steel and that I am not going to look just because he wants me to.

So he yanks down his shorts and for the love of god it took all of my strength not to glance down. But i didn't because he isn't mine to have like this. He isn't mine so why give him the satisfaction when its something i rarely get. When he realizes i am not going to look he starts to pull his shorts up and then is all "i can't believe  you didn't look" and I feel guilty because I don't want him to think that I am not interested. I don't want to wake up in the morning and regret that I was in the shower with my crush and i did nothing.So as he starts to leave the shower, i grab his arm and tell him to pull down his shorts again. This time I'll look only because he's being such a pain about it. He asks if i am serious. I say yes. I'll look but nothing more. So he pulls down his shorts again and it takes me a good minute or two before i am able to glance.

Because this is the first time i have seen a penis up close and personal i gasp and let out a nervous laugh when i glance down at his semi-erect junk. I look back at him and then back down at his junk and I nod and tell him it is pretty big (because of course the boy couldn't have a small penis. Of course, he had to up and have a, yep). I turn my back to him quickly and ask if he is happy. He says yes and thanks for the compliment. Then he wants to know if I am going to let him stand in the shower naked while my clothes remain on. I tell him that I told him i was keeping my clothes on and he starts saying things like "it's not like i haven't seen them before. We would do this if we were roommates. It's just nakedness". And once again, i relent because I don't want to regret and because in all  honesty, I want to be naked in front of him. I want him to see me. I want to be seen by him.

I agree to only take off my top but the bottom will remain on. I take my shirt off quickly and throw it at my feet. For a few seconds we simply take in the sight of one another. I tell him I'm done showering and that I want to get out. He says okay but asks that I wait for him to get out before going downstairs. So i sit on the toilet while he washes up. He says he wishes he could take a bath because he hasn't taken one in a while and I exclaim that i haven't either. And because we have now seen each other naked, we might as well....

So i jump back in the shower. He is already sitting down and sit behind him so as not to have my back against his...junk. The water fills the tub quickly and I draw my knees up to my chest because i feel a little uncomfortable. He asks if he can rest his back between my legs during the bath and i tell him sure (because my shorts are still on) because my legs can accommodate. So he leans back into me. My legs wrapping around his waist as his chest rest of breasts. He pulls my legs over his so that my feet are sort of on his thighs, my arms draped over his shoulder. I start running my hands along his chest as we talk about any and everything under the sun. At one point, I accidentally find my foot on his penis but I don't move it. I just keep it there, occasionally adjusting it from time to time.

And all the while I have a sense that this is not normal. I know that it isn't. For all his shit about us being good friends I know that I would never be in the shower with anyone but him. And outside of his hand on my inner thigh and my fingers running up and down his chest we aren't having sex. In fact, I ask him this beforehand if this is normal and he says it is because it's not like we are going to have sex. And because he would only do this with his gf, people he wants to see naked and me. I say 'ouch, thanks. I'm glad to know i am in my own category." and he says "you know what i mean. It's just body parts. It's just boobs and dick" and while i am no where near content with that answer or view on the situation, I let my apprehension go because it's Sean.

We are in the bath for what seems like an hour. There is talking and laughing and feelings of content. Then his house phone rings and it's his gf. It's as if his parents have just walked in the house because he jumps out of the shower and is frantically looking for the phone. He comes back into the bathroom waiting for it to ring again because he says his gf probably just wants to say goodnight. When it does ring he laughs and says he should take it off speaker phone so that she doesn't hear me. I roll my eyes and as they are talking about god knows who i grab a towel and head downstairs to the backyard because i forgot my glasses. A few minutes later he is on the patio calling my name. I don't answer because I want him to think I have disappeared. I want him to think I have gone away but then the light from his flashlight catches me and he asks why I came outside for.

I tell him i forgot my glasses and that I wanted some fresh air as well. He says 'okay and then asks me to come inside so we can watch movies downstairs on his couch. Clothed now in pj's, I am a little more relaxed despite the shower/bath penis show. We find ourselves leaning into each other on the couch until he asks if i would like to lay on him. He puts a pillow over his crotch and says 'see it's safe' and because I've always wanted to, I crawl on top of him and lay my chest on his head. I place my ears right near his heart so i can hear it thump. I place my hands under  his ribcage and snuggle into him until i think we are one. I want to stay there forever. I want to regret nothing. So even though I feel it's wrong, i remain silent.

We end up falling asleep after Rumble in the Bronx (literally the movie we watched that night). I go upstairs to sleep in his parents room while he remains on the couch. I cry myself to sleep and then have dreams about Sean's gf and about being second runner up. When i wake up I tell myself that i am going to have to get to the bottom of my relationship with this boy because it's not normal. When i go downstairs he says he couldn't get much sleep either. I don't have to be at work until 1pm, so we eat breakfast, watch some videos on youtube and then play with his pets (one of them named Roy who has to remain in the basement because of behavioral problems). He asks if i really have to go to work because I could stay over and we could go to the movies and make another day of this. But because it's 12:30 when he says this and it's not enough time to call out I tell him i can't and that we should get ready to go.

On the drive to my job i ask him if he regrets last night. He says why. I say because we were naked and in the tub together and stuff. And he says no because it's completely normal. I say but we aren't completely normal. And he doesn't say anything. He drops me off at work and wishes me a good day and then I spend the rest of it feeling like a boundary between us had been crossed. A part of me feels bad because i wanted to do so much to that boy in the shower but restrained myself because I don't want to be considered a 'homewrecker' and then another part of me feels guilty because we did things that would be normal if we were together, not just two friends with different body parts.

I am also worried that he will go and talk about what happened this weekend to our friends. After the valentine's day debacle, where nothing happened, I can only imagine the shit he would say to our friends. And despite his calm about naked time and penis/boob time, i've never been that naked in front of anyone. I've never done anything with anyone and i didn't want it talked about as if he was just a normal day at Seans house. Because of this I agree that on Tuesday I have to confront Sean about it and us and my feelings instead of playing house with a boy who seems confused by our intimacy.

It did not go well.

Part 2 soon.