New York State of Mind

Yesterday was the most superb magical day of my life.

Just saying.

Wrong Side of the Bed

I may have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today and because I am a superstitious person, i believe the signs are telling me I should have stayed home.

I woke up late this morning because I had a bad dream which made me restless the rest of the night  ( I was on a subway platform waiting for my train and before the train arrived a fight breaks out between two strangers. One stabs the other violently and at first everyone is so stunned no one realizes that an attack has occurred until the knife wielding stranger starts directing his rage at the rest of us. The subway car pulls up just in time and we all board the train before he can slash us. I then wake up). Because of said restless I only got about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I tend to wake up an hour before my alarm goes off, but today I woke up only because of the alarm. I didn't have enough time to make breakfast or coffee and my bus was 5 minutes late because he is the worst effing bus driver in the whole world. I am his first stop of the day, the first stop!, and he is always late. True to form, he was 5 minutes late this morning and drove extra slow so I almost missed the transfer bus that takes me to work. 

When I get to work this morning, the first thing i see is a snarky passive aggressive email from one of the managers at work, indirectly critiquing my job function. A few weeks ago this manager asked me to help him out with a project unrelated to my department. Simply put, he would send me emails full of tasks that he wanted people in his department to complete. My job was to simply to assign them a 'ticket" of their task via a ticketing system that my department heavily relies on.

The idea of creating and assigning 'tickets' to a different department made no sense on many levels, but he asked me to help out so I obliged.

A week ago, he pulled me over to his desk and admitted that it was silly to have me assign tickets for his department when he could easily do it himself (duh).  I told him it was a redundant step when he first brought it up to me and he agreed. So he said I wouldn't have to assign tickets for the marketing team anymore...which I was relieved about. I washed my hands of the project and returned to just overseeing my departments ticket.

Needless to say when I came in this morning, after an already frustrating start to my morning,  I was surprised and immediately pissed that he sent out an office wide email complaining that his marketing tickets weren't being created and it was unacceptable for things like this to be overlooked.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

The people I work with have a tendency of throwing each other under buses. On a weekly, if not daily basis. After the Patricia debacle, I made a note of being solely responsible for my work to avoid being thrown under buses. I have about 5 specific tasks that I and I alone am in charge and  I make sure that no one else dips their toes in those tasks. The last few months have been better because of this and if I can be honest my departments success is in direct correlation to this. I am certain.

So to walk into this bullshit this morning, over a task that was given to me and then taken away, was beyond infuriating. I responded to the email of course because I am not about playing games, reminding him that he told me not to create his tickets anymore and that i was confused by the tone of his email. Instead of extending a 'oops my bad you're right" he said 'I changed my mind, so forget everything I told you last week and go back to making tickets for my department".

If there was a table nearby, I would have overturned it. If there was a door, I would have kicked it in. I had to step out of the office just so I wouldn't hulk smash everyone to the ground. And even then when I got to the hallway to catch my breath I wanted to smash things.

Today is not my day. It's just not. I seriously, honestly would like to go home now and curl under the covers forever.

Spring Cleaning.

I want to spend the weekend cleaning my apartment. I know,  I know, how effing lame but it think the actual purging of things (I don't use or wear)  is long overdue.  In jest, I am sort of ready to make space for new things. There's probably a metaphor about life in there somewhere... but seriously I have too much stuff and most of it needs to be thrown away.

I am a person who clings: to things, people, ideas...you name it. I've always been a somewhat clingy person. In the fifth grade my mom bought me a light blue wind jacket that I absolutely adored. I think she bought it for my birthday and I was immediately drawn to the blueness of it. I loved this jacket so much that i wore it everyday and refused to take it off in class.  When the weather warmed up, I still wore that jacket and I remember asked several times to take it off by my teachers who worried.

Eventually I outgrew the jacket, or my mom threw it away...but the fact that I still remember it must say something about my hoarder-ish ways. I cling to things that I find un-spoken value in, and because of this it is super hard for me to let things stuff go. Once again, there is probably some subtext there, but in all honesty it is time for me to let some things go.

Sickly Disposition

Turns out Chicken and Waffles is not in the cards for me this weekend.

I love Spring but Spring does not reciprocate the same feelings and today I am suffering from another bogus allergy/sinus infection that throws any ideas of being a productive and social person out of the window. It sucks, I was really looking forward to Brooklyn. and chicken. and waffles.

Trust me, I have no problem staying home on this rainy Saturday. I got my new laptop yesterday and am sort of in love with it. It's smaller, faster and sleeker; all things I didn't know I wanted in a laptop until this one arrived. I also purchased an amazon fire stick, so i could start streaming live television thanks to Playstation Vue, which is a far better alternative to cable. I am not one for product placements but this shit has changed my life and I am more than okay with staying home and watching live tv for a change.

I just don't like the being sick part. I can't breathe. Everything is clogged up. I feel pitiful and weak and I worry that i wont feel okay enough to tough out the upcoming work week. It's tough enough trying to put on a brave face when I am healthy but when I am sick I am less patient with my co-workers and boss and equally resentful for being a person who works in an office.

Despite the exceptional pay, I am honestly not happy with my job situation. I don't complain about this outwardly because I am super grateful to have a job that allows me to pay rent and purchase a new laptop and amazon firestick all in one day without being poor afterwards. I, more than anyone, am grateful to work and get paid for said work because I lived the alternative, which was worse. Living paycheck to paycheck was not fun. It taught me how to be super resourceful but I couldn't have survived much longer living that way.

So yea, I like having a job. I don't necessarily know what the hell i am doing 40/hours a week, I don't particularly like my co-workers and I think my boss is crazy...but I tough it out week  after week because my life outside of work is pretty good these days.

But this doesn't mean, I don't often worry that life is passing me by while I sit at my cubicle not pursuing things that make me happy. I've been reading too many great books lately and listening to great music and following some talented artists on the inter-webs, and I can't help but wonder when i stopped seeing myself as a talented person in pursuit of something.

I got a super kind Facebook messenger from an old co-worker who wanted to know what I was up to these days. She wanted to know if I was still pursuing my dreams and writing and working towards being the kick ass girl I said I was going to be when I first moved to New York. The message was incredibly kind and something I needed. I often feel like I am waiting around for something big and grand to drop in my lap instead of taking risks. I feel rather stuck in a place of contentment rather than my once fierce pursuit of things. I am regularly asked to contribute writing pieces to various online publications and I've turned them down because I am not sure who I am as a creative person anymore.

It's not so much that i've lost my mojo, I just don't what my mojo looks like anymore and I worried that the days and weeks and months that I spend sitting safely in a cubicle is masking whatever potential i have to do something more with my life. Idk, maybe it's my stupid allergies making my head all loopy today. But It's the only thing on my mind and I lay here in bed, mulling about life and if I've accidentally settled into something that doesn't necessarily fulfill me.

I wish there was a handbook on this being an adult stuff. I could used some advice.