Ashats Have Birthdays Too.

So today Sean turns 27.

Stupid fuck face.

A few days before our weird weekend i asked Sean what he wanted to do this year for his birthday because last year he gave me such a hard time about wanting to celebrate it.

I spent weeks leading up to his birthday last year begging him to let me buy him a present. But he was such a grouch about birthdays and celebrations that i feared getting him anything cause he said he would get mad if I did. I ended up buying him windshield wipers because it was literally what he asked for and it seemed like a good compromise.

I thought I wouldn't get to see him on his birthday last year  because he took off work and I assumed he had plans with his family or girlfriend but in a weird turn of events I actually got to spend part of the day with him. A mutual friend  of ours was getting baptised on his birthday and she invited a bunch of us to go. Kat and I went along with another girl from work and Sean and some guy from work came along as well. We all thought it was pretty weird that he wanted to spend part of his birthday watching a baptism but i was too happy to be near him to care.

It was a nice day. We were all dressed in our Sunday best and on the beach and surrounded by love and new friends. I brought along another gift i collected for Sean and surprised him with it before he went home. While i hate giving money as a present (too impersonal) I knew it was something he wanted so I spent the previous week gathering birthday money from people at work. I collected about $78. I put it in a funny card and wished him a happy birthday, he seemed shocked and happy.

This year, because of the new depths of our  relationship, I wanted to do something grand yet small for his birthday. Bar hopping with friends, bowling and maybe a burlesque show or even just a day at the movies. Something, anything, because he told me he never has good birthdays and I wanted this year to be special, especially now that he is officially going to the Navy in January. I wanted his last birthday with friends to be nice.

But that got all fucked up with his bullshit about 'that weekend' and my hurt feelings. And any and all plans were immediately axed by moi. This past week fared a little better than last week but it still feels like everything is fucked. I can't forgive him and he has yet to apologize. He gave me a shit apology on Friday 'i'm sorry i made you upset' but has yet to take any accountability for what he did and what he said.

And yet i feel like the person losing him instead of being lost to him. I want him to feel miserable. I want him to be sad. I want him to feel like poop. Poop. And two weeks later, it is I who feels bad. It is I who doesn't want to be lost to him. It's the most backwards shit ever.

And it's not to say he isn't trying or he isn't feeling bad but this situation just seems so much easier for him to discard while it continues to pain me a little. I am pained by it. Regardless, I bought him his birthday present before all this shit went down and I couldn't return it. So i spent most of last week, silently weeping as I put together his birthday gift so I could give it to him on Friday.

This year instead of cash or windshield wipers I bought him tickets to New York Comic Con. He goes every year and its the one thing he said he'll miss when he is deployed ( i seriously am not sure how this boy got accepted into the Navy). I wanted to get him a three day pass to Comic Con but it was all sold out by the time I went to buy them. Instead I bought him a ticket for Friday and Saturday. It cost me a pretty penny but I was more concerned about thoughtfulness than anything else.

Because the actual tickets wont be mailed out until late September, I only had a printed receipt to gift him. So i bought him a couple of weekly comics, a special Comic Con edition of TV guide and printed out a few campy pictures of characters from graphic novels that he likes. I stapled them into a folder, so it opens like a book, and wrote him a note on top of a Comic Con 2013 logo that I printed off the website.

I wrote the note just before I gave him the gift on Friday ( i took the weekend off and i won't see again until this Friday so I had to give him his gift a few days early). I told him that I know things aren't good between us but that wouldn't have stopped me from getting him a gift. I told him that as his friend I wished nothing but happiness for him. I told him that i wished he wasn't so afraid of being the Sean that i fell in like with; the one who is great.  

He seemed taken aback when I gave him the wrap gift on Fir day. We were still kind of not talking but being polite and I nonchalantly said 'i got you something'. I then spent the rest of the night being a little distant and aloof. He didn't drive me home because he had plans to see a movie with this kid from work that i loathed. Before we said goodbye though I made him promise that he wouldn't open his gift until he got home. Or better yet,  to try and wait until his birthday to open it.

Even though i had a spectacular weekend (I'll post pictures soon of my adventures) I spent most of it looking down at my phone hoping to hear something from him. But i haven't. Not a thank you. Not  a 'you really shouldn't have'. Nothing.

I'm not sure why I keep hanging on to this boy who clearly does not deserve my attention. It's painful.

Happy Birthday Asshole.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Everything is terrible. Thanks life.

Just Miserable.

I have a more detailed post about the aftermath of Sean and I's fight. I wanted to write it all down so I wouldn't forget. And maybe because I could use some advice.

It's been a whole week though and I just feel like shit about the whole thing.

He said he wasn't attracted to me. He got defensive when I asked him if two friends showering and bathing together was normal. He got defensive and looked down in his lap and said that I didn't have to worry about him being faithful because he wasn't attracted to me.

He gave me the whole spiel again: his gf is way up here (indicating the sky) and because he's not attracted to me nothing would ever happen between us. I asked him if he was serious. About not being attracted to me. And he said "yeah, i'm sorry. What do you want me to say. Would you rather I lie to you. Are you only friends with people who are attracted to you"

He said this to me as if i had made the last four years of inappropriate flirting and hanging out on valentines day and him bringing me sand back and him kissing me on the forehead and him taking a fucking naked bath with me and him asking me to move with him to Delaware and him telling me on the way to the bar that he thought it was hot that i was older than him and him....gah, him being the aggressor. Always the aggressor.

He said this to me as if i was a child. As if I was insignificant.

And even if he was fucking lying to my face, even if he was trying to deflect the blame off of himself, i can't get the stupid words out of my head. I can't help but feel ugly and disgusting and undesirable. And worse, I think back to the girls he has admitted attraction to: Toothpick Girl and our ex-coworker Pam with the lazy eye and Cashier Girl and even his actual gf who a mutual friend described as pretty if she had a paper bag over her head. I can't help but think to myself that i'm 'undesirable' in the eyes of this boy. Me.

I am the one with the flaw. I am the one who will never mean anything. I am the one that in his eyes never had a chance.

 What then is wrong with me.

About This Weekend Part 1

For the time being Sean and i are no longer friends.

I am gutted. Simply and utterly gutted by this decision. But i don't really have a choice.

Here's the story.

Sunday Sean and I both called out from work so we could hang out. He wanted to go to a bar near his house to watch a PPV wrestling match and when he asked me, and me alone, to go I was elated. Instead of driving me home afterwards he said I could spend the night because his parents were away.

He picks me up at 7 and we head to the Bronx. Surprisingly we have a blast at the bar. We are both tipsy and happy to not be at work. He keeps leaning into me to say "i am so happy right now? are you? cause i am" and I look at him and say that I am. Genuinely happy to be there with him. When the match ends we have sobered up and head back to his house.

On the way there we talk about swimming in his pool. He had mentioned it before he picked me up so I already have my bathing suit in my overnight bag. He knows that I do not know how to swim so he makes promises that he'll at least teach me how to tread water. When we get to his house I tell him I am going upstairs to change into my bathing suit. He  looks at me and asks why i don't change in the living room in front of him. It's not like he won't see semi unclothed in the pool.

I laugh and tell him that i am going to change in the bathroom and when I come down he is already in his swimming trunks. The pool is not as deep as I thought it was going to be and i am able to stand in it with my head above water. We are in there for about 45 minutes. There are no lights on the deck so we are guided simply by our voices, the moon and the small flashlight he brought with him. I splash him with water a few times and he picks me up by the waist to lift me up and then throw me in the pool.

He talks about his fears of joining the Navy. I talk about wanting a new job and a new life and something new. He is cute in the water. He has very thick short hair so even when it is wet it doesn't lay flat. He keeps playing with it and telling me he needs a haircut. And I feel happy man. Even when he brings his stupid girlfriend up. I am happy because it is not his girlfriend in the pool with him.

My bathing suit consists of tiny board shorts and a black cap sleeved top. In the water it drifts up to my waist and then clings to me so that my flesh is showing. Sean places his hand on the stomach and asks if the softness he feels is my stomach or the shirt. I say it's my skin. He keeps his hands there for a moment and then pulls away. A few minutes later we decide to get out of the pool. On the way up the stairs he asks if I want to take a shower to rinse the chlorine off. I say yes and then he asks, nonchalantly, if he can take the shower with me.

I laugh until i realize he is serious so i say "you don't think it's a little weird". He seems annoyed and says "it's just a shower and if we were roommates we would shower together sometimes". I say "no, no we wouldn't" but nonetheless I find myself upstairs with him preparing to shower. I tell him he can come in with me but that I will remain fully clothed. He says okay. He turns the water on and I begin rinsing off.

Behind me he asks if the water is too hot. I say no. Then he asks if I really am going to keep my clothes on. I laugh and tell him that I am. He says he is going to take his shorts off because it's a shower after all. I turn around with apprehension but am not about to stop the boy because i like him and I've been curious about his nakedness and i trust that he won't do anything. He asks if i am going to look. I say that i won't. He says bullshit, that he wants me to look, just so i can let him know if he is as big as Michael Fassbender (my celebrity crush who's big dick i saw in Shame). We are almost chest to chest as he begins pulling down his shorts asking me to just look. I lock my eyes on his and tell him that I have a heart of steel and that I am not going to look just because he wants me to.

So he yanks down his shorts and for the love of god it took all of my strength not to glance down. But i didn't because he isn't mine to have like this. He isn't mine so why give him the satisfaction when its something i rarely get. When he realizes i am not going to look he starts to pull his shorts up and then is all "i can't believe  you didn't look" and I feel guilty because I don't want him to think that I am not interested. I don't want to wake up in the morning and regret that I was in the shower with my crush and i did nothing.So as he starts to leave the shower, i grab his arm and tell him to pull down his shorts again. This time I'll look only because he's being such a pain about it. He asks if i am serious. I say yes. I'll look but nothing more. So he pulls down his shorts again and it takes me a good minute or two before i am able to glance.

Because this is the first time i have seen a penis up close and personal i gasp and let out a nervous laugh when i glance down at his semi-erect junk. I look back at him and then back down at his junk and I nod and tell him it is pretty big (because of course the boy couldn't have a small penis. Of course, he had to up and have a, yep). I turn my back to him quickly and ask if he is happy. He says yes and thanks for the compliment. Then he wants to know if I am going to let him stand in the shower naked while my clothes remain on. I tell him that I told him i was keeping my clothes on and he starts saying things like "it's not like i haven't seen them before. We would do this if we were roommates. It's just nakedness". And once again, i relent because I don't want to regret and because in all  honesty, I want to be naked in front of him. I want him to see me. I want to be seen by him.

I agree to only take off my top but the bottom will remain on. I take my shirt off quickly and throw it at my feet. For a few seconds we simply take in the sight of one another. I tell him I'm done showering and that I want to get out. He says okay but asks that I wait for him to get out before going downstairs. So i sit on the toilet while he washes up. He says he wishes he could take a bath because he hasn't taken one in a while and I exclaim that i haven't either. And because we have now seen each other naked, we might as well....

So i jump back in the shower. He is already sitting down and sit behind him so as not to have my back against his...junk. The water fills the tub quickly and I draw my knees up to my chest because i feel a little uncomfortable. He asks if he can rest his back between my legs during the bath and i tell him sure (because my shorts are still on) because my legs can accommodate. So he leans back into me. My legs wrapping around his waist as his chest rest of breasts. He pulls my legs over his so that my feet are sort of on his thighs, my arms draped over his shoulder. I start running my hands along his chest as we talk about any and everything under the sun. At one point, I accidentally find my foot on his penis but I don't move it. I just keep it there, occasionally adjusting it from time to time.

And all the while I have a sense that this is not normal. I know that it isn't. For all his shit about us being good friends I know that I would never be in the shower with anyone but him. And outside of his hand on my inner thigh and my fingers running up and down his chest we aren't having sex. In fact, I ask him this beforehand if this is normal and he says it is because it's not like we are going to have sex. And because he would only do this with his gf, people he wants to see naked and me. I say 'ouch, thanks. I'm glad to know i am in my own category." and he says "you know what i mean. It's just body parts. It's just boobs and dick" and while i am no where near content with that answer or view on the situation, I let my apprehension go because it's Sean.

We are in the bath for what seems like an hour. There is talking and laughing and feelings of content. Then his house phone rings and it's his gf. It's as if his parents have just walked in the house because he jumps out of the shower and is frantically looking for the phone. He comes back into the bathroom waiting for it to ring again because he says his gf probably just wants to say goodnight. When it does ring he laughs and says he should take it off speaker phone so that she doesn't hear me. I roll my eyes and as they are talking about god knows who i grab a towel and head downstairs to the backyard because i forgot my glasses. A few minutes later he is on the patio calling my name. I don't answer because I want him to think I have disappeared. I want him to think I have gone away but then the light from his flashlight catches me and he asks why I came outside for.

I tell him i forgot my glasses and that I wanted some fresh air as well. He says 'okay and then asks me to come inside so we can watch movies downstairs on his couch. Clothed now in pj's, I am a little more relaxed despite the shower/bath penis show. We find ourselves leaning into each other on the couch until he asks if i would like to lay on him. He puts a pillow over his crotch and says 'see it's safe' and because I've always wanted to, I crawl on top of him and lay my chest on his head. I place my ears right near his heart so i can hear it thump. I place my hands under  his ribcage and snuggle into him until i think we are one. I want to stay there forever. I want to regret nothing. So even though I feel it's wrong, i remain silent.

We end up falling asleep after Rumble in the Bronx (literally the movie we watched that night). I go upstairs to sleep in his parents room while he remains on the couch. I cry myself to sleep and then have dreams about Sean's gf and about being second runner up. When i wake up I tell myself that i am going to have to get to the bottom of my relationship with this boy because it's not normal. When i go downstairs he says he couldn't get much sleep either. I don't have to be at work until 1pm, so we eat breakfast, watch some videos on youtube and then play with his pets (one of them named Roy who has to remain in the basement because of behavioral problems). He asks if i really have to go to work because I could stay over and we could go to the movies and make another day of this. But because it's 12:30 when he says this and it's not enough time to call out I tell him i can't and that we should get ready to go.

On the drive to my job i ask him if he regrets last night. He says why. I say because we were naked and in the tub together and stuff. And he says no because it's completely normal. I say but we aren't completely normal. And he doesn't say anything. He drops me off at work and wishes me a good day and then I spend the rest of it feeling like a boundary between us had been crossed. A part of me feels bad because i wanted to do so much to that boy in the shower but restrained myself because I don't want to be considered a 'homewrecker' and then another part of me feels guilty because we did things that would be normal if we were together, not just two friends with different body parts.

I am also worried that he will go and talk about what happened this weekend to our friends. After the valentine's day debacle, where nothing happened, I can only imagine the shit he would say to our friends. And despite his calm about naked time and penis/boob time, i've never been that naked in front of anyone. I've never done anything with anyone and i didn't want it talked about as if he was just a normal day at Seans house. Because of this I agree that on Tuesday I have to confront Sean about it and us and my feelings instead of playing house with a boy who seems confused by our intimacy.

It did not go well.

Part 2 soon.

Maybe it's Time to Move On.

Le Sad Store has been pissing me off the last couple of weeks. So much so that i have actually considered putting in my two weeks notice. The book store environment is nothing like it was when I first start working there almost 5 years ago and to put in bluntly... i fucking hate going to work. I fucking hate it.

I've been pretty unhappy for awhile now. After the holidays all of our hours were slashed. I was okay with this only because the University job helps a lot, It covers rent and all my other expensive while Le Sad Store has just been helping with the small stuff, so while working less at the bookstore sucked I was not hard up for money.

Then March came and we started losing a bunch of managers, not even employees which is normal, but managers who just up and decided the bookstore wasn't for them. Working in retail is a revolving door of people who need/want a job. Though there are quite a lot of us who have been there longer than a year, it's actually pretty rare for someone to stay in retail that long. I've literally seen someone quit on their first day. I've seen explosive and dramatic quits after a week. I've even seen one cafe server throw a fit by removing his apron violently and then running out of the store.

We haven't seen him since. So people quitting is not rare. It's actually the norm.

What isn't normal is when management ups and leaves, like ours have been the last year. We've gone through so managers that its hard to keep up with them. And with each new managers comes a new shift in how the store is run. In a nutshell, it's driving us all crazy. Crazy. Especially since our staff is so small anyway.

 Our current management team, run by our bipolar store manager, has started implementing new 'policies' that aren't beneficial to any of us. They want us all to be crossed trained in different areas of the store, which is a good idea, but how we are trained varies based on the managers. So if one manager says we are supposed to shelve books on tables one way another manager will show us a totally different way to do it and then give us shit for having done it the way previous manager taught us.

Also, while our hours are better these day the way they are distributed is just ridiculous. On a busy Saturday afternoon, we'll have 3 people scheduled to work the registers and 1 person to work customer service. Anyone who has ever gone into a bookstore knows how annoying it is to want help finding something but the person at customer service has a line and the phone is ringing and the people at the cash register are not supposed to leave even, like in our case, when there is no one waiting to be rung up.

At the end of the night, because one person was at customer service, resort ends up being a bitch and we end up leaving late because the store is trashed.

My biggest complaint is that the managers now want little to no talking on the floor. Conversations, they say, between co-workers is distracting to the store and to customers and will result in disciplinary actions. Disciplinary actions? What the fuck.

Just the other day I was given a 'verbal cousenling' because I talk to Sean too much.This was due to that Saturday (before he left) when Sean accidentally ignored me the whole night and i got upset. While we were closing (sans customerss because doors were locked) Sean apologized profusely for making me cry. Preacher Boy was closing and saw us and asked us to get back to work. We did. Then Sean came back and asked if i would let him drive me home (when I'm mad at him, I walk home, so he feels bad. Oh the games i play with this stupid cute boy) and Preacher Boy once again told us to get back to work.

Now, I would not have cared if Preacher Boy would have given us a verbal counseling for talking and distracting one another that night. But nooooo, this motherfucker waited until Friday (six days after the incident) to talk to me and worse while Sean was away on vacation. During the verbal counseling, I was the most defiant i have ever been because the Preacher boy of all the people should not have been lecturing me on my relationship with Sean. "Preacher Boy", Kat's crush who has more than done his share of inappropriate talking on the floor was the last person I wanted a verbal counseling from. And because of this I couldn't hold back my anger: one because Sean hadn't been there the whole week and two because Preacher Boy kept saying things like:

"i don't care what your relationship with him is outside of work, though i have noticed that there is one, but, it's not my business, i just want you to know that I am aware, and there are cameras that see everything, that it has been a distraction at work and may become an issue down the line"

So now anything deemed as excessive (talking or interacting) with Sean will be handled with as if it is a national security issue. And I felt so fucking horrible because Sean's first day back to work was yesterday and within the first half hour he was called into the office by Preacher Boy and the store manager to discuss his interactions with me. So the first thing he says to me is 'hey, so we are a distraction to one another". And we spent the rest of the night working around each other, passing notes but being unable to openly talk.

But he brought me back all these small things from Delaware that he had to wait until we were off the clock to give me: a sea shell, some weird beer that i wanted to try, and earrings. Earrings! I don't generally like earrings but during our day together we stopped at H&M and I saw this dress that had a skull and crossbow image on it. I couldn't stop talking about this dress and the stupid skull and crossbows image. So this motherfucking bought me a skull and crossbow set of earrings. They are small and gorgeous and I almost cried. This is the boy they want me to stop talking to. The only reason I come to work, this is the boy they want me to stay away from.

I am at my wits end with Le Sad Store. Not only do i get paid little to no money though I work more than 25 hours there a week but the only thing that makes me happy (seeing my friends. seeing Sean) feels like a crime at the store. I really need to get a new job. I really need to stop being afraid of moving on especially when what I could gain could be better than this.

Parting Words.

'Being' with Sean is difficult on many levels. For one 'being' with him is a loose term. I'm not his girlfriend but I am definitely not his friend. I am a girl who he 'sees' regularly. A girl he likes to hang out with. A girl he wants to take to Delaware or the Navy or i don't know the moon even. And because of the position I am in with this boy I have fallen in love with that idea of him and of course my idea of him is often grandiose and unrealistic.

But this isn't good when the boy is a self proclaimed asshole and douche. He tells me every other day that I should expect little from him because he is going to disappoint me. Just a few nights ago he told me is he like sandpaper to skin and while there are some days i think this is an exaggeration, there are other days when i can't help but agree.

After my moms short visit (a post to follow of course) I got really ill. Me and Kat have this running joke that my body can't tolerate too much socializing because early on in our friendship I would fall ill after hanging out with her. And not psychosomatic sick either. I'm talking flu-like symptoms: chills, body aches, sore throat a migraine. The works.

And this was not only with Kat. I tend to get very sick after any and all social gatherings. It's bizarre and weird especially now as I am getting use to being social. After my dizzy spells last summer I was referred to a general practitioner who determined that my white blood cell count is very low (along with the fact that I'm anemic). My body doesn't fight off infections well, if at all.

So needless to say during my moms visit last week I started to feel sick. I spent four days with her and my aunt and my cousins and Sean and Kat respectively. I also still worked at both Le Sad Store and the university while she was in town.

My mom returned to South Carolina last Thursday and I spent the rest of my day with Sean (killing time before he had to work). We saw Man of Steel and then snuck into see World War Z. We headed back to his house where we hung out on the patio with his parents and pets. And then we grabbed food before he had to go to work. It was fun. Not at all like the disaster that was Valentine's Day and for once I felt like he was all mine. Even if for the day.

Of course, as soon as I get home I was overcome with a sore throat and stomach pains. I thought it was food poisoning. Then i got the shakes and chills and felt on the verge of dying. Sort of. I took whatever crap medicine I had lying around passed out around midnight. When I woke up Friday I felt worse than when I'd gone to bed and for the last couple of days I have been battling whatever weird infection has sprung up out of nowhere.

Being sick is never fun when you have to take care of yourself. So, I've been cranky and achy and i have no energy to do anything except lie very still. This has not made me a fun person to be around, i am not going to lie.

For the last two weeks I've known that Sean was heading back to Delaware for a week-long vacation (again). And in my mind I wanted the days leading up to his vacation to be awesome so that he would miss the shit out of me and bring me back something as thoughtful as the sand. Thursday was flipping amazing! Friday i called out sick from work so I had Saturday and Sunday to be with him until he left. But the Sean I know when it's just him and I, and the Sean I know when he is around other people are vastly different. They could be born from different species and he did not make it easy for me this weekend.

The boy i like called every day my mom was in town to ask how we were. The boy i like bought me a dvd to watch while he is away on vacation. The boy i like carried me to the car when i thought my legs were going to give out on me. He also subsequently went back to retrieve the shoe I dropped in the street. The boy I like, when it is just me and him has thoughtful eyes and a good laugh and is attentive.

But that boy in the same breath can become an asshole. Almost unrecognizable. He can be dismissive and rude and quick to blame. As tight as I feel my grip on him is, around others, he can so quickly slip into this person I hate. This person who is not use to having someone depend on him when it counts. And this weekend that boy was in full force.

On Saturday we were eating lunch in the break room and he said something that was stupid (per usual). I jokingly said I was mad at him, laughed and went back to work. The rest of the night Sean not only avoided me but seemed angry when I was around.  He talked to everyone else in the store except me. And would leave a room, go down another aisle and avoid eye contact when i was near. Towards the end of close I tearfully asked him what the fuck his problem was especially since I wasn't feeling well and wanted to spend time with him. He looked confused and said he thought i was mad at him (because of the break room thing) and so he purposely spent the rest of the night being a dick to me to teach me a lesson.

?????

I cried and told him that was the stupidest thing for anyone, yet alone him, to do especially since I wasn't mad at him and I wasn't feeling well and I wanted the one person I like being around to acknowledge me. He apologized, said he was in the wrong and then carried my sick ass to the car later that night.

I woke up Sunday hoping the day would go better than the previous one. I mean he's going away for a week, we won't get to hang out, i don't expect too many phone calls while he's away, so I wanted our last day 'together' to go well. I bought a window fan for my room earlier in the day because Sean promised he would install it when we both got out of work at 8pm. He said he would buy me the dvd i wanted so we could watch it together after work. Fine. Sounds great.

 Of course the whole day at work the boy avoids me like I'm the plague. I see glimpses of him but our interaction is very limited. Which i don't mind because lately we've been getting in trouble because of how much we hang out while we are on the clock. But in the back of my mind I'm like 'its our last day together before you go away for a week! a whole week! interact with me'. Instead i don't see him for like 5 hours and then when he does find me I am in the middle of helping a customer when he wants me to look at the bag he is holding.

In the bag was the dvd I wanted (that he purchased) so i could watch it while he's away. I starred at the gift with dull eyes and sort of shrugged my shoulders. At this point i hadn't seen him for most of my shift, I had had no interaction with him and I just wasn't in the mood to be bother. It was like sex without foreplay (i guess).There was no warming up, no playfulness, no anticipation. It was just this surprise in my face that he wanted me to scream in delight over. Instead, I grabbed the bag, said thanks and then went back to helping my customer. I felt kind of bad for being dismissive of the gift and he seemed taken aback by my lack of enthusiasm but i couldn't help how i felt.

Towards the end of our shift I tried to pull myself together. Though our day at work had been -meh i realized we still had the fan to install and the movie to watch. At 8 I met Sean in the breakroom and ask him if he is ready to go. He says that he is but that he agreed to drive our friend home (who doesn't live too far from me)  as well. I ask him if that meant we will still get to install the fan ('of course, I'm dropping him off first). On the car ride home Sean makes the turn to drive our mutual friends apartment when said friend (who may be a cock-block based on previous outings with him) says 'no we'll drop Beckett off first it's easier'.

I expect Sean to say "i can't because i have to install her fan" but no instead he says "alright' and starts driving me home. Not only does he start driving me home but he asks said friend if he wants to help install the fan in my room! (as if my landlady won't mind me bringing two strange boys into my room in the middle of the night). I immediately start protesting. I tell said friend that i don't feel comfortable having multiple people in my house, especially two dudes while my landlady and her daughter are home. I tell Sean that it's hard enough sneaking him into my house and that i don't like this sudden change of plans. Then i sulk in the backseat because with 'said' friend in the car we won't get to hang out, Sean will literally have to put the fan in the window and drive this cockblock home.

Sean parks his car in my drive way and I don't even say a word to him as we head into my house. He asks why I choose today of all days to act crazy and I tell him 'I didn't want to but I'm not feeling well, you're leaving for a week and you up and invited 'said' friend in my house. i have every right to feel a little pissed.". What i meant was 'I wanted to hang out with you before you went away. I could install the fan myself, I've done it before. I just wanted you alone for a minute so I could give you a proper goodbye that would make you think of me while you were away. I wanted to spend time with you. and you alone"

But i didn't say that. Because with this boy I can't say what i really want to say. My words like his actions gets lost in the blurry lines of what i am to him, what he is to me and if whatever we are doing is worth it.

He silently installed the fan as sat on the bed like an ungrateful child. He looked sort of defeated and forlorn and then begged me to stop: being sad. being angry. being upset. I told him I couldn't because it's what my head does when it's disappointed by expectations. It shuts down. It gives in. It reaches a point that only i can pull myself out of. He asked me again to stop: being angry. being upset. being disappointed. That he was sorry for whatever it was he did that made me upset but that he didn't want to go on vacation with me being mad at him.

And then he places his hands under my shirt. near my hip bone and pulls me in for a hug. Because I'm dumb ticklish i laugh and then curse into his chest because I'm supposed to be mad not overcome by the desire to be touched. I want to be mad. I need to be mad at him for every little stupid thing he does because I can't have him like I want him. And I know his is using me. I know that he is confused or worse using me but I like him and I like being around him and i like the moments when we are alone.

I apologize for being weird. I tell him I'll miss him. That i don't really like when he goes away. He says it's okay and that he'll bring me back seashells from Delaware to go with the sand. He tells me that i think too much and he wishes I'd stop getting trapped in my head. I'm content with my head on his chest. And he sighs into my hair. And I want to tell him there and then that i like him and want to be liked by him. I want to tell him there and then that he means a lot.

But I don't. But i know that I will have to. Soon.