'Being' with Sean is difficult on many levels. For one 'being' with him is a loose term. I'm not his girlfriend but I am definitely not his friend. I am a girl who he 'sees' regularly. A girl he likes to hang out with. A girl he wants to take to Delaware or the Navy or i don't know the moon even. And because of the position I am in with this boy I have fallen in love with that idea of him and of course my idea of him is often grandiose and unrealistic.
But this isn't good when the boy is a self proclaimed asshole and douche. He tells me every other day that I should expect little from him because he is going to disappoint me. Just a few nights ago he told me is he like sandpaper to skin and while there are some days i think this is an exaggeration, there are other days when i can't help but agree.
After my moms short visit (a post to follow of course) I got really ill. Me and Kat have this running joke that my body can't tolerate too much socializing because early on in our friendship I would fall ill after hanging out with her. And not psychosomatic sick either. I'm talking flu-like symptoms: chills, body aches, sore throat a migraine. The works.
And this was not only with Kat. I tend to get very sick after any and all social gatherings. It's bizarre and weird especially now as I am getting use to being social. After my dizzy spells last summer I was referred to a general practitioner who determined that my white blood cell count is very low (along with the fact that I'm anemic). My body doesn't fight off infections well, if at all.
So needless to say during my moms visit last week I started to feel sick. I spent four days with her and my aunt and my cousins and Sean and Kat respectively. I also still worked at both Le Sad Store and the university while she was in town.
My mom returned to South Carolina last Thursday and I spent the rest of my day with Sean (killing time before he had to work). We saw Man of Steel and then snuck into see World War Z. We headed back to his house where we hung out on the patio with his parents and pets. And then we grabbed food before he had to go to work. It was fun. Not at all like the disaster that was Valentine's Day and for once I felt like he was all mine. Even if for the day.
Of course, as soon as I get home I was overcome with a sore throat and stomach pains. I thought it was food poisoning. Then i got the shakes and chills and felt on the verge of dying. Sort of. I took whatever crap medicine I had lying around passed out around midnight. When I woke up Friday I felt worse than when I'd gone to bed and for the last couple of days I have been battling whatever weird infection has sprung up out of nowhere.
Being sick is never fun when you have to take care of yourself. So, I've been cranky and achy and i have no energy to do anything except lie very still. This has not made me a fun person to be around, i am not going to lie.
For the last two weeks I've known that Sean was heading back to Delaware for a week-long vacation (again). And in my mind I wanted the days leading up to his vacation to be awesome so that he would miss the shit out of me and bring me back something as thoughtful as the sand. Thursday was flipping amazing! Friday i called out sick from work so I had Saturday and Sunday to be with him until he left. But the Sean I know when it's just him and I, and the Sean I know when he is around other people are vastly different. They could be born from different species and he did not make it easy for me this weekend.
The boy i like called every day my mom was in town to ask how we were. The boy i like bought me a dvd to watch while he is away on vacation. The boy i like carried me to the car when i thought my legs were going to give out on me. He also subsequently went back to retrieve the shoe I dropped in the street. The boy I like, when it is just me and him has thoughtful eyes and a good laugh and is attentive.
But that boy in the same breath can become an asshole. Almost unrecognizable. He can be dismissive and rude and quick to blame. As tight as I feel my grip on him is, around others, he can so quickly slip into this person I hate. This person who is not use to having someone depend on him when it counts. And this weekend that boy was in full force.
On Saturday we were eating lunch in the break room and he said something that was stupid (per usual). I jokingly said I was mad at him, laughed and went back to work. The rest of the night Sean not only avoided me but seemed angry when I was around. He talked to everyone else in the store except me. And would leave a room, go down another aisle and avoid eye contact when i was near. Towards the end of close I tearfully asked him what the fuck his problem was especially since I wasn't feeling well and wanted to spend time with him. He looked confused and said he thought i was mad at him (because of the break room thing) and so he purposely spent the rest of the night being a dick to me to teach me a lesson.
?????
I cried and told him that was the stupidest thing for anyone, yet alone him, to do especially since I wasn't mad at him and I wasn't feeling well and I wanted the one person I like being around to acknowledge me. He apologized, said he was in the wrong and then carried my sick ass to the car later that night.
I woke up Sunday hoping the day would go better than the previous one. I mean he's going away for a week, we won't get to hang out, i don't expect too many phone calls while he's away, so I wanted our last day 'together' to go well. I bought a window fan for my room earlier in the day because Sean promised he would install it when we both got out of work at 8pm. He said he would buy me the dvd i wanted so we could watch it together after work. Fine. Sounds great.
Of course the whole day at work the boy avoids me like I'm the plague. I see glimpses of him but our interaction is very limited. Which i don't mind because lately we've been getting in trouble because of how much we hang out while we are on the clock. But in the back of my mind I'm like 'its our last day together before you go away for a week! a whole week! interact with me'. Instead i don't see him for like 5 hours and then when he does find me I am in the middle of helping a customer when he wants me to look at the bag he is holding.
In the bag was the dvd I wanted (that he purchased) so i could watch it while he's away. I starred at the gift with dull eyes and sort of shrugged my shoulders. At this point i hadn't seen him for most of my shift, I had had no interaction with him and I just wasn't in the mood to be bother. It was like sex without foreplay (i guess).There was no warming up, no playfulness, no anticipation. It was just this surprise in my face that he wanted me to scream in delight over. Instead, I grabbed the bag, said thanks and then went back to helping my customer. I felt kind of bad for being dismissive of the gift and he seemed taken aback by my lack of enthusiasm but i couldn't help how i felt.
Towards the end of our shift I tried to pull myself together. Though our day at work had been -meh i realized we still had the fan to install and the movie to watch. At 8 I met Sean in the breakroom and ask him if he is ready to go. He says that he is but that he agreed to drive our friend home (who doesn't live too far from me) as well. I ask him if that meant we will still get to install the fan ('of course, I'm dropping him off first). On the car ride home Sean makes the turn to drive our mutual friends apartment when said friend (who may be a cock-block based on previous outings with him) says 'no we'll drop Beckett off first it's easier'.
I expect Sean to say "i can't because i have to install her fan" but no instead he says "alright' and starts driving me home. Not only does he start driving me home but he asks said friend if he wants to help install the fan in my room! (as if my landlady won't mind me bringing two strange boys into my room in the middle of the night). I immediately start protesting. I tell said friend that i don't feel comfortable having multiple people in my house, especially two dudes while my landlady and her daughter are home. I tell Sean that it's hard enough sneaking him into my house and that i don't like this sudden change of plans. Then i sulk in the backseat because with 'said' friend in the car we won't get to hang out, Sean will literally have to put the fan in the window and drive this cockblock home.
Sean parks his car in my drive way and I don't even say a word to him as we head into my house. He asks why I choose today of all days to act crazy and I tell him 'I didn't want to but I'm not feeling well, you're leaving for a week and you up and invited 'said' friend in my house. i have every right to feel a little pissed.". What i meant was 'I wanted to hang out with you before you went away. I could install the fan myself, I've done it before. I just wanted you alone for a minute so I could give you a proper goodbye that would make you think of me while you were away. I wanted to spend time with you. and you alone"
But i didn't say that. Because with this boy I can't say what i really want to say. My words like his actions gets lost in the blurry lines of what i am to him, what he is to me and if whatever we are doing is worth it.
He silently installed the fan as sat on the bed like an ungrateful child. He looked sort of defeated and forlorn and then begged me to stop: being sad. being angry. being upset. I told him I couldn't because it's what my head does when it's disappointed by expectations. It shuts down. It gives in. It reaches a point that only i can pull myself out of. He asked me again to stop: being angry. being upset. being disappointed. That he was sorry for whatever it was he did that made me upset but that he didn't want to go on vacation with me being mad at him.
And then he places his hands under my shirt. near my hip bone and pulls me in for a hug. Because I'm dumb ticklish i laugh and then curse into his chest because I'm supposed to be mad not overcome by the desire to be touched. I want to be mad. I need to be mad at him for every little stupid thing he does because I can't have him like I want him. And I know his is using me. I know that he is confused or worse using me but I like him and I like being around him and i like the moments when we are alone.
I apologize for being weird. I tell him I'll miss him. That i don't really like when he goes away. He says it's okay and that he'll bring me back seashells from Delaware to go with the sand. He tells me that i think too much and he wishes I'd stop getting trapped in my head. I'm content with my head on his chest. And he sighs into my hair. And I want to tell him there and then that i like him and want to be liked by him. I want to tell him there and then that he means a lot.
But I don't. But i know that I will have to. Soon.
3 comments:
I'm starting to wonder about his girlfriend. Does she know about you? Does he talk about you to her? I was "you" in this scenario once, and I found out (from the girlfriend) that she hated me, that every time the dude in question would mention my name, she wanted to punch him or me or both.
I hate the possibility that Sean might be making two women feel like poo. But the fucking heart, right? Wanting what it wants and all.
The only way around this is through it, I think. One day you'll have to say, Sean, I really like you, but I can't go on being just your friend, because it hurts too much. He should dump his GF for you, and if he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you or her.
Hugs, girl. I know this shit isn't easy. But it also isn't endless, you know? It'll go this way or that eventually (soon, I hope).
I think she knows that he has a friend named Beckett. That's all. And it's very depressing.
This situation makes me feel miserable because he feels like mine but he isn't. I spent every day with him last week. every day and yet we aren't dating. I'm not the one.
He is being very cowardly about our relationship and i find myself getting more angry about this then the small stupid things.
he put his hands under your shirt? on your actual skin, or what? like Mme Perpetua, I was also 'you' at one point - he married his GF, ultimately - and i never actually said outright how i felt. i assumed he knew. and he kind of did, but my lack of initiative, my inability to be aggressive, made it easy for him to be comfortable with the GF. if sean is spending this much time w/you, he's probably lying to his GF. and that sucks for everyone.
i think you need to make a move here. i think i've said this before, but i'll say it again (and i'll use a phrase i love): you need to shit or get off the pot. next time he puts his hands on you, kiss him. or put YOUR hands under his shirt, on his hipbones. or else tell him you're bonkers for him, straight out. if you can't do either of these, then you need to just cut it off. treading water is just so unsatisfying...my vote is for the hands under his shirt, kissyface business. it'll force his hand, so to speak. and someone needs to force him to do SOMEthing, because he clearly can't do it on his own.
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