Infinite Stress

Too stressed to write.

Too stressed to sleep.

Too stressed to eat.

Too stressed to function like a human being lately.

I am a slippery (declining) slope of emotions and anxiety lately.

Ugh. I wish I had better news to post here.

~Beckett

P.S.I hate Gotye. I loathed him. And that dumb "someone I use to know' song that keeps playing every where. It's all over the goddamn place. Work. Check. Supermarket. Check. In the Car. Check. Facebook Newsfeed. Check.But then I hear "Save Me" at work the other day (because the whole album is an in-store play) and I cried.

 Hardcore.

Sobbing.

In the aisle.

I miss having someone around to tell me that every thing is going to get better. I hate that i am full of doubt that things actually will...get better, you know.

F*cking Gotye.

Damsel in Distress.

I have money woes.

And boy woes.

And other general woes which make me weepy and tired and just plain exhausted from all the thinking, over thinking and fretting.

I am literally the poorest I have ever been in a very long time. All of our hours have been slashed at the store, we've been told not to take it personally, but I cannot understand why I am working these crap 12 hour work weeks. I make enough money to eat. Pay my rent. Go to the movies.That's about it.

I do not like living paycheck to paycheck. It's the worse feeling in the world. I am very responsible with my money. I never buy things just because i want them  (except for the occasional cheap cd/dvd) and even then I don't have enough money to cover basic necessities.

I've been at the store for 3 years. I don't think I should have to fight for decent hours. I feel like I am being punished because occasionally i talk to much to Kat or disappear with Sean for an unseen amount of time. But when I am there I get my work done, I put a smile on my face, I put in a little bit of an effort.

Yesterday, I almost came to tears when I walked into the break room and there was Evil Manager giving an orientation to some new chick. Excuse me? Wtf? For some one who spends the morning or evening shifts emphasizing the lack of hours at the store, why would you bring in a new person. Sure we've lost a few people since January. But I don't understand why she wouldn't just spread out the available hours to the people already there. Instead of hiring someone new.

And I admit, I've been slacking on the job search (which makes my lack of hours at the store even more frustrating. Cause i have the time to actually look for a new job). But I am at a point where I am depleted by the search. I've been staring at the puzzle, mystery for too long and I just need to step back for a while so I can attack it with vigor and enthusiasm again. But with my money situation I don't have time to take a step back and see what I am doing wrong. I have to continue despite my lack of interest in doing so. This has me frustrated to no end.

On the boy front...well, I don't see him that often (because of my hours) but when I do, I am completely and utterly smitten with him to the point where I hate what he is doing to me. I think about him all the time. How can I not when there is so much flirting and touching and eye ogling when we are together. Last weekend, we got away with spending our whole shift together. When I kept trying to look busy he'd ask me to stay with him for a while. For no reason. Just so I'd be near him. And like a chick in lurve, I stayed.

During one of our conversations he was struggling to remember something 'important' that he wanted to tell me. He was doing that 'i had something on the tip of my tongue to say to you, but now i can't remember'. After awhile I told him it probably wasn't anything important and that it would come back to him in time. He turned to me and said 'but it was something really funny to make you laugh. I thought of it specifically because I'd knew it'd me you laugh. I like when you do'.

At this point I don't even care what head he is thinking with. I like him. I like him a lot. I want to smooch and hold him and have him be my boy. I want him to think of ways every day to make me giggle. I want him to think of me when he doesn't have to. Clearly there is a huge roadblock in that department and it leaves me sad and depressed about the whole situation. While he has a girlfriend NOTHING will come of this attraction. And I feel like I am cutting myself short by investing all my energy on a boy I can't have. But in all honesty, i have thrown rationale aside when it comes to him. I am clearly being ruled by my emotion rather than my head.

I feel consumed by life lately. I am stressed about by so many different facets of living in new york, wanting financial stability, wanting a relationship with a certain boy that i at a standstill. I don't know what direction to take. I don't know what comes next. I don't know how to get what i need (a new job, more money) and I'm not sure if what i want is good for me (Sean) despite the insane physical attraction.

And sometimes I wish someone else could just take the reigns on all the issues that are piling up. I wish someone could tell me what to do with the boy and the job situation and the money woes. Head under covers, I would listen intently to anyone that could for a moment bear the weight of this incredible sense of dread cause I don't have a clue on what to do.

I know there are things I can control. I can control the number of applications I send out. I can write more. dance more. take more pictures. I can ask my mom for financial help.I can inquire about my lack of hours. I can stop touching Sean in the break room. janitors closet. and in the aisle. I can Control these things.

But it is the things I can't control that make me feel distressed. and helpless and eager for someone else to think for me. I can't control getting a new job. I can't control the lack of hours the store apparently has to give. I can't control feeling depressed even after a good dance.I can't control my feelings for Sean. I can't control the feeling I get when he sees me unexpectedly and seems generally happy to have me around. Like my face is a break from reality.

Ugh. I am a damsel in distress. And I don't even have a  knight to save me from all the heartache it is causing.

Crafty Weekend.

My Weekend:

Pros: bust craftacular fair w/Kat

         cupcakes from Crumbs

         saw Damsels in Distress

         devoured tasty street vendor food

         laughed nonstop 

         visited a sex shop (a first)

         found a small bookshop to browse

         snapped pictures of parks and interesting faces

Cons: bailed on nice boy's birthday bash.

          money woes kept me up.

          disappointment in sean department (this happens often).

          feelings of dread, angst and general anxiety

          letter of rejection from job i interviewed for

          inability to decipher if my exhaustion is making me depressed,

               or if depression is wearing me out.

                   

            



Nothing Stays the Same.

I'm thinking about giving this space a face lift.

I've been eyeing the new templates for quite some time and I am eager to change the look of things here. I've been a little lax on writing these days. I apologize. I must admit my head is all over the place. My thoughts are constricted. My voice has no direction.

I feel overwhelmed more than usual this week. I am stressed about money (lack of), about what to do with my life (I need a Plan G) and men ( Sean, idiotic flirty customers and one boy whose feelings i will have to hurt in. I'll explain later.).

I am a little anxious. A little worn out. And seriously consumed with so many new emotions and wants and desires that I've been taking a break from thoughts because they are all over the place. This is not to say I feel out of control. Because i don't. It's the exact opposite. I feel more in tune with my environment these days than i have in quite some time. I am interacting with people. Trying new things. Contemplating new projects and another tattoo (I want the sparrow tattoo depicted in the picture! it's so pretty. Tattoos are addictive. Everyone is right) Accepting the loss that change brings. For the most part I am taking each day with care and ease.

But I do sometimes feel like I am suspended in the air. Like a trapeze artist moments before I am to take flight. I am dangling from this thin bar of  'what the hell i am suppose to do next' as gracefully as I can. I am filled with uncertainty and anxiety that being at such great heights and expectations brings. I know there is a net beneath me. I know that that all the safest precautions are in place to protect me from harm. But nonetheless the idea of letting go is as terrifying as it is exciting. I am trying to remain calm despite the nerves. despite the fear of propelling myself  into the air so i can grasp on to the next phase. the next bar and challenge.

I'm not sure if this feeling of being overwhelmed is a good thing or not. But it sure is forcing me to reassess some things in my life currently. My job continues to suck and I make little money these days so I am shopping around for new employment as usual exploring my professional and creative options. The boy(s) situation is just a hot mess of affections and sexual frustration and possibly one sided emotions. I am trying to get my feelings in check, willing myself against the inevitable broken heart and halting all temptations to get wrapped up in to the well sculpted arms of a boy who isn't mine to have.

More importantly, I am just trying to figure me out. Without my best friend and voice of reason to guide me i feel so lost these days. I have so many questions about life, love and the pursuit of happiness that I want to discuss with the person who knows me best. And she isn't here to do that so I have to go it alone. I am having to figure things out through trial and error.

A very current and urgent example is my relationship issue. My emotions are all over the place and I admit my interactions with the opposite sex has not been healthy. Nothing sexual of course but the tension between a couple of gents (Sean is just the main issue) is more than a little distracting.

Particularly, there is a guy who use to work with us at Le Sad Store who has a crush on me. Like hardcore. I can tell because he looks at me the way I look at Sean. He comes in for a hug the way I hold on to my crush. His hands linger, he says things that can double for other things.  While he no longer works at the store he makes a habit of coming in on his break (he works nearby) to stop in an say hey. He'll aisle stalk the store until he finds me and then it's this long drawn out interaction of hugging, flirting and careless words.

It's apparent that he likes me. I mean the whole store knows. And I am not doing much to deter his crush. I admit this. For some reason I am always nicest to the boys I have no intention of ever dating. Which is something I am trying to fix. But now I feel he is at the point where he is going to ask me out and I am going to have to turn him down. I am not mentally attached to him, physically attracted or emotionally interested in pursuing anything with him. And it has nothing to do with Sean. Despite my obvious feelings for him.

The truth is, I am not in the position to be anything to anyone these days. I am only equipped to deal with and process my own emotions and reality and expectations for myself. I am not the same since Marie's death. I'm not. And I'd like to have a grasp on who I am now before I contemplate being someones someone. And in a weird way I'm not just talking about the boy situation, I'm talking about everything in my life. Everything that is requiring me to make a decision. Work, Men, Friends, Writing. I am a complicated, emotional, reckless girl these days. My tears run heavy, my thoughts are chaotic, and some days i feel like i am losing grip on the bar my hands are holding onto. But I'd like to be remain in this position of choosing who and what is good for me based on my wants and needs a little longer.

I'd like to be in the position to control aspects of my life and desires and emotions at my own pace, independent of any one's expectations except my own.

Easier said than done, i know, but I'm working on it.

A proper post soon. I promise. After much needed sleep though. I have a busy week: craft fair, work, babysitting and an awkward dinner party, I'll need all the rest I can get in order to live and document it all.

Until then,

Beckett.