Snow Day!!!

In October, of all months. I'll take it.

I was expecting only a few flurries today, not the few inches of snow that has ended up on the ground.

It's been snowing on and off since 11am this morning and I must say I am very content with lounging in bed today (Le Sad Store actually closed early today. 5pm to be exact!), drinking hot chocolate and watching a very dumb movie on Liftetime.

I've not been in the mood to do much of anything lately (including writing) and the storm may be the pick me up I need to get me in better spirits. Do you ever feel immobilized by your own....indecisiveness. I feel like I am in a stalemate of sorts and it's not that I am stuck just simply taking at break at the crossroads because doing anything but remaining still hurts.

I haven't heard anything back about the job I applied for two weeks ago. And while I know the smart thing to do would be to send someone an email this Monday to inquire about the position, I don't feel up to it. I am simply wiped out from the job hunting process and I need a small break from trying to sell myself. Just until Thanksgiving has passed.

And for some reason, despite my utterly crappy week, with crappy news (the only sane manager left at Le Sad Store is leaving in a week) and crappy insane feelings for a soon to be 20 year old James Franco look-a-like (we talked about story writing this Tuesday, not because he is interested in writing, but because he is interested in me as a writer. Where did this kid come from? My inner, most, deepest dreams); the snow, which has a way of demanding that you pay it full attention, has been a nice distraction.

It has forced me to remain inside, clear my head, and watch the ground disappear underneath a cloth of fluffy snow.

And for some reason, even if it's just for a minute, the sight has made a world of difference.

Jan Brady Complex

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster and I don't think I have cried this much in a very long time.

Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the current job situation. I am still waiting to hear back from the publishing company and due to my travel plans for Thanksgiving, I would prefer to start a job or continue my job search after November (especially because this year the managers made a real stink about me requesting turkey day off, and I don't think starting a new job will allow me time to go home).

Instead I am stressed about about people and life and wants and desires and general anxieties about myself. I feel as if I am being pulling in a million and one directions from the people around me and I don't know how to reconcile any of this. I recently got into an argument with Kat because she sent me a text Blue Matt sent her a week ago. With his new job, Blue is only able to hang out with anyone after 6pm on the weekday and on the weekends. He has been trying to get us all to go on a group trip to the city; to check out some museums, grab some grub and take pictures.

We were all suppose to (Kat, Blue and I) go to the city next Sunday and possibly ride bikes in central park and then grab hamburger but Blue was starting to get concerned that Kat, who he has a huge crush on, would bail like she has done so many times before. So he sent her a text (or two or five) begging her not to bail because "I like Beckett and all but this is suppose to be a group thing, and it would be really weird just going with her' or something like this.

For the life of me I cannot understand why Kat would send me this text; a text, that I of course took to mean that Matt doesn't want to hang out with me alone (like he does with Kat). While, I know the text between him and Kat was private and he wasn't trying to put me down in some way (by saying he didn't want to hang out with me alone), it was sort of devastating.

When I look at the relationship Blue has with Kat, I can't help but feel envious. Not because I LIKE Blue in any way, shape or form, but because he treats her like a friend he wants to be seen with (or eventually date, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend). On Thursday they always go to the movies, or to grab burgers, or to wander the mall to look at the decorations in Sears. He makes an effort, possibly because he wants to sleep with her, to connect with her even if just for an hour or two a week.

But, I on the other hand, am never invited to do any of these things. By Blue or any of the boys at work. Kat has the way about her that the boys gravitate too. She is an attractive girl, with fiery red hair and yet a vulnerability to her. When she comes around, the boy I could be talking to, will admittedly stop talking to me and go off with Kat. And it doesn't help that Kat loves the attention. She has said before that she wants the attention to be on her, to make other girls (namely the ones she doesn't like) jealous. To put them in their place.

And this is all fine and dandy, except when I inadvertently am that girl. I don't consider myself a homely, ugly, plain, unexciting chick. I think I'm pretty and interesting but I'm not really comfortable in my feminine skin yet (like Kat). I still rock baggy clothes and old school t-shirts. I still say yuck when someone asks why I don't wear makeup and you couldn't get me to wear a skirt if you paid me. And because boys are visuals creatures, I sometimes feel like the ugly duckling around Kat. Especially when the ratio of boys who pay her attention trumps the one or two who look my way.

And i KNOW i am being a stupid, dumb, sensitive girl but some days I want people to be interested in having me around. I want to be the girl who people seek to hang out with. And I hate feeling like the 2nd runner up. So when she me a text of what Blue said I was livid. WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T HE WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME ALONE? Am I not cool enough/pretty enough/interesting enough to be seen in public with him? Maybe he just invited me along so that Kat would feel more inclined to come? Why is it that Kat is sooooo damn special? Marcia! Marcia! Marcia

I immediately sent Blue a text saying that I didn't want to ruin his trip to the city and was not going to go. I ignored Kat's text asking why I didn't respond back to her text about what Blue said. I shut down. I internalized. I felt hollow.

I am not so much insecure about myself as i am trying to understand my wants and desires from myself and the people around me. And on the top of the list is being needed by the people I invite into my life. In a way, I feel sometimes like Kat likes to have me around because I am no competition to her. And Blue likes to have me around because it draws Kat in and because I am the funny comic relief that is never the star of the movie but the memorable, fleeting character.

And for the last few days, I have let this whole conversation (and apologizes from both end) eat me up. I cried and cried some more and then sulked because I felt invalidated by both Kat and Blue. And then I felt angry at Kat for sending me Blue's text and at Blue for using me. And then I just felt sad and angry and depressed about everything.

On Thursday Kat and I didn't say one word to each other. She was so gloomy and sullen to the point where everyone kept asking her what was wrong, which only made me feel worse because I was the injured one. And then "James Franco" came in to visit her on his day off (because while i have connected to him on some level, he too has been lured by Kat's delicate, dangerous beauty) and I got all frustrated. So frustrated to the point where I even ignored him.

I like 'James Franco' more than I like to admit. And when Kat asked if it was okay that she begin flirting with him at work, I said 'okay' because outside of the marvelous day in the city we spent together, 'James Franco' and I remain in the platonic friend zone. Which is okay, i guess, because he is soooo young. At 20, our five year age difference seems colossal. I once referenced 'Blossom' in a conversation and he had no idea what I was talking about. It was brutal.

But he is really mature for his age, and sometimes in my dumb girl brain, I wish I was more his type. I wish he would give me the amount of attention he's given Kat recently (he made her a mixcd, I was very jealous). But he doesn't, so I watch occasionally from the sidelines (like the damn runner up) wishing I were in her place as he gushes over her, and touches her hand in a delicate way. And I pine, perhaps, to be wanted.

And after the whole Blue statement, and Kats lack of tact/discretion, and 'James Franco' slight interest towards her I couldn't help but feel like a dumpy, frumpy, uninteresting girl (the whole dreadful week) who no one will ever want (in a friend way. in a romantic way. in any sort of way).

So I ignored him, for reasons that were purely out of jealousy. I ignored him because....of Kat. Because of my issues with Blue. Because of my issues with myself.

But 'James Franco' was not having any of this. While most people (mcabs) allow me to be distant and rude and moody, 'James Franco' was not okay with the silent treatment I was giving him. After three days of complete silence, he interrupted my break today to ask what 'was up with me' and my 'mood' and my 'attitude towards him' (kids got some balls). Just like that, as if the answer was that easy. Luckily we were the only two in the break room, so the way I decided to answer could not get me in trouble or cause anyone to worry

"I'm not dealing with things well right now, and I'd like to feel like shit so I can figure out what to do next. I'm sorry "

"You don't have to be sorry. But I'd like you to talk to me about it, especially if it's something i did, and if it has nothing to do with me, I'd like you to come to me anyway, just because" (paraphrasing, he is only 20 after all)

For some reason, 'James Franco' makes me want to be honest about things, and rarely do people tell me I can come to them to vent. so I say

"Up until three years ago, I didn't know how to go to people and tell them my problems. I don't mean to come off rude or bitchy or distant but I feel like people want me to be someone that I can't, and I want them to be someone they can't and I don't know how to come to terms with our inability to do that".

And he looked at me, wearing his stupid hipster glasses and said the he understood. That I can't worry about trying to be anyone except myself because just being me is worth more than trying to be someone else. And that it's okay to sulk and be in a funk and disappear into thoughts for awhile but coming up for air is helpful to. Talking is too.

"You have my number you know. Outside of this shit hole, you can always call me. I hope you know that"

"Yep"

And with that, he walked out.

How am I not suppose to be attracted to this. How? If James Franco were to barge in on you while you were picking at your food and writing bad poetry, only to tell you to 'perk up, or discuss whats wrong', what would you do? You'd gush and spend the last two hours replaying the scene in your head.

When did my life become a Degrassi High episode. I don't think I can take much more of this.

Dear Customer (Round 2),

If you are standing in the checkout line, with books in your hand, and I ask 'may I help the next person' because I am the cashier at the time, you have NO Right (as a common decent human being) to tell me to 'hold on, I'll be ready in a minute' while you try to make up your mind about purchasing the language book.


Standing in a line at the cashwrap means (in retail world) that you have now completed your shopping trip and are ready to 'check out'. And once your turn has come (after waiting a few minutes), you are to make your way to the counter, hang me over your items, and me complete the transaction as soon as possible (i am not one for chit chat at cashwrap).

It does not mean that you, and your dumb friends, can linger in front of my register, chatting it up about the book you aren't sure you want to buy, only to tell me to "wait, until I'm ready' when I inquire about how I can help you. You sir, and your douche friends are IN LINE, which means only one of two things: you are about to ask me to help you find a book;to which I will tell you to go to customer service OR you are ready to check out.

That's It. It does not mean that I am your personal cashier, ready to assist you whenever you are ready.

It does, however,mean that I get to talk about you, loudly, (because hey you are there) to the "E-Reader" Guy who has just heard you tell me to 'wait a minute'. It does mean that I get to complain about dumb rude customers and the pains it takes to come to work and deal with them every day. It also means that when you do decide to buy that book, I have every right to tell YOU to wait a minute, while I slowly finishing 'cleaning' up at my register which has all of a sudden gotten soooo dirty.

And while you are entitled to huff and puff all you want as I stall for time, I am once again allowed to tell you to 'hold on just one more minute' while I then call someone else over to ring you up and then proceed to go on my 15 minute break which lasted 25. I'm allowed to do that: as a patient and loving employee of Le Sad Store.

Have A Great Day,

Your Local Sales Associate.

Bad News. Good News.

So about that interview I went on last week...

I can't believe, I've been so mum about how it went or if I got to the next phase of the interview process. Excuse me and my forgetful news. Good News or Bad News first?

Bad News: I didn't move on to Round 2.

While the interview went really well (on many levels) I was passed up, once again, due to my 'inexperience'. I was spunky, upbeat, enthusiastic and knowledge about publishing. But most of my experience is not job specific and the position they were hiring for (editorial assistant) in the business heavy division (urban planning) needed a candidate able to easily transition in the role. So while I sparkled and dazzled the pants off my interviewer, I received another rejection letter a few days later wishing me luck.

Good News: I have another interview with the same company tomorrow!

Say What? While I did receive one of the most polite rejection letters ever, it was not a full on 'we don't want you' notice. Instead, the Editor I interviewed with said she liked my enthusiasm and personality so much that she passed my resume to the Editor of the Music department whose editorial assistant recently put in his/her two weeks notice.

While nothing was set in stone she did mention that I may hear back from someone in a few days about an interview with said Music Editor. So, I was excited to receive a call on Friday from the publishing company asking me to come in for another interview (for a different job of course).

Round 1.5, I've been calling it.

The interview is tomorrow afternoon and I am pumped and a little nervous. Hunting for a job is taxing on the soul. Every rejection is like a kick to your ego. When I graduated from college a couple of years ago, I thought I'd have a job immediately. I mean, I'm smart. I'm educated. I am capable. I'm a generally well rounded, even tempered gal. Three years later, after being told 'i don't have enough work experience' 'i should take more internships' 'i need a better background in xyz' you can kind of feel like four years of college was a waste.

I can't get a job because i don't have work experience. But I can't get real life work experience if no one will hire me. Job hunting sucks and until I get one I will have to work my way around rejection.

So tomorrow is huge. The editor did not have to pass my information along to anyone. But she saw something in me outside of my 'inexperience' to help me in my job hunt.

I've done enough research for tomorrow to be prepared (and ask interesting questions) but i'm trying to remain calm in order to let my enthusiasm and passion come through. All I need is for ONE person to believe I can do the job and I am a shoe in for a nice entry level position. Fingers crossed that that one person is sitting across from me tomorrow. I'm ready to begin a new phase in my life and put the hassle of job hunting and bookstore slaving behind me.

The Simple Life:

Things I'd like to do today (but can't because i have to be at work in an hour):

• Call out from work


• watch daytime television and dumb talk shows


• take a very long cat nap


• make lunch: pasta, Alfredo and a lot of Parmesan


• dance to 90's alternative music


• take another very long cat nap


• watch something campy on netflix: a horror classic or an unfunny comedy


• continue the collage I've started


• eat cheesecake


• thumb through the book i can't seem to finish (the grief of of others)


• watch x-factor


• take more pictures of the moon


• watch nickelodeon: 90's edition


• fall asleep


• dream sweet dreams


• wake up


• repeat.

Booksellers Lament

Dear Crazy Customer,

I couldn't care less that we don't have the magazine you read religiously, every month, on our shelf. It is not my problem, or honestly my issue, that you think our store has some secret agenda to make you shop elsewhere. I understand that you shop here EVERY day( i know because I see you. every. fucking day), and can NEVER find the items that you want. If we carried every magazine in the whole entire world, well we'd be a warehouse or Amazon.

The moment I sign out for the day, and put on my jacket and scarf, I am not a property of the store. Which means that while you can (but shouldn't) stop me on my way out the door, after a grueling eight hour shift, to bitch and complain and raise your voice to the point that everyone thinks you are yelling at me, to inform me that we, once again, don't have a particular item you wanted in the store..... I have every right to tell you to Go Fuck Yourself and shop somewhere else.

Well, that's what I'm allowed to say because I'm not on the clock anymore. Evident by the lack of name tag, interest in talking to you, and cell phone in my hand. But because I was too polite to say GO FUCK YOURSELF aloud , suggesting you shop somewhere else was totally in my means. Even if it was to get you the hell out of my face. Also suggesting that you find a store that meets your shopping needs was the bitchy way of telling you your mental and emotional needs need tending to before anything else.

Because why else would you stop me as I am mere inches from the exit, and freedom, to trouble me with an issue that doesn't concern me anymore? Did it look like I cared that we didn't have your magazine in stock? Hell, did the fact that i put on my headphones, not give you a hint that i was no longer interested in talking to you?

Of course not. Because not only are you crazy but you're an idiot that's why. And because you think those of us who work at Le Sad Store have a cot in the back where we sleep (because naturally we don't have lives outside of the store) you continued to 'talk loudly' as I nodded my head in disbelief.


You better be glad, the manager (who saw i was in some what of a pickle), came over to ask if you needed any help. You better be glad that my interview on Friday went sorta really well. And that I get this second interview you can bet my ass I am going to ace the hell out of it to get the hell away from customers like you. Because my patience of steel was beginning to give way after listening to you for 5 minutes.

I was, in all honesty, about to unleash a very unladylike verbal assault on your ears that would begin and end with me telling you, in not so pleasant words, that the next time you stop me for help and I am not clocked in, I will unleash the last three years of pent of frustration from dumb ass customer much like yourself from my little but expletive filled mouth . AND that if you EVER raise your voice to me, I will personalize find the magazine you want, make you buy it, and tell you to shove it up your ass.

Now, Have A Nice Day.

From,

Your local Sales Associate at Le Sad Store.