So Heather, the friend i work with at the university, recently underwent gallbladder surgery. If I was a decent friend and good listener I would be able to recite why she has to have said gallbladder removed. But at the sound of surgery and -bladders my mind sort of checked out and I felt a little queasy so I didn't really get the full story from her.
As a part time employee of the University Heather and I don't receive any benefits. No health insurance. No paid time off. We don't even get sick pay. And when I did my taxes this year i also found out that the University does not take them out of my pay, so i ended up owing a huge chunk to the government. While i love my job here, I must admit the drawbacks are starting to suck. Luckily, I'll have health care insurance at Le Sad store until 2014.
Heather unfortunately losses the Health insurance she was on (her moms or her dads, I'm really shit when it comes to paying attention to technical stuff) in June and has been freaking out about it for months. In March she baked her cousin and I a batch of cupcakes for our birthday. The next day she was hospitalized with what she thought was food possessing because she'd eaten so many of them. Turns out it wasn't food poisoning. Her gallbladder was causing all her weird stomach issues and when she went to the doctor she was told to either remove it or keep it in and because she doesn't know how severe the stomach pains would continue to be because of her gallbladder (and because she will only have health insurance until June) she decided surgery was the best option.
She has been out of work since May 14th and because I usually close at Le Sad store I was offered her shift along with mine until she returns. And boy has it been weird. The 9 to 5 life is exhausting. Work at the University is generally pretty slow but it has reached a dead stall now that the semester is over and Summer Session 1 does not start until next week. For 8 hours a day I literally am in my own office doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. The first couple of days I tried to kill the time by organizing and straightening up but I may have seriously moved and then re-placed the same stack of papers 20 times before I gave up trying to be productive.
I then decided that I could start and finish a book with all the free time on my hands in between the few printing jobs i have gotten (cause that's what i get paid the big bucks for...printing copies of legal stuff). But that didn't work out. Lately I have been unable to attach myself to a story or it's characters. I get into a book, really dig where it's going, put it down to ponder my own existence, never pick the book up again. Or in some cases, i don't want the book to end. It's so good and compelling that finishing it would leave me empty and hollow so it because a half read item on my sloppy bookshelf.
So instead I have succumb to watching youtube videos and Hulu. I've been abusing Tumblr by reblogging endless photos of cats and hot British guys. I've resorted to writing paragraph long fan fictions involving me usually engaged in some sort of sexual rendezvous with a character from a television show (currently it's Dean Winchester from Supernatural. He's a hunter of the supernatural (hence the title of the show and my fan fiction) on a search and destroy mission of a deadly key that could open the gates of hell. He seeks help from an unlikely allie, Beckett...Amelia...Hughes, a tough and damaged girl who has her own motives for finding and destroying this key. Yadda, yadda, yadda, they have a lot of sex).
Yep, I am using my free time productively. Friday I worked from 9 to 5 at the university and then closed at Le Sad store only to do another close on Saturday and an open on Sunday. It was brutal. To top it off my friend Angie (who use to live here but moved to D.C about 3 years ago) was in town and wanted to visit. So after work Sunday we went to grab food at the local steakhouse and then camped out in my house watching episodes of the original Star Trek. I have had a very very busy, if not productive couple of days. I must admit I am feeling a little run down by the routine and I am not sure how I am still standing.
Heather returns to work tomorrow (thank god) and today is the last of my 9 to 5 life (for now). I am looking forward to sleeping into tomorrow and I am also looking forward to my day off this Friday. I sort of need a mental health day. I am feeling sluggish and blue and disconnected because I feel a little overworked, even when i'm not doing anything.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Just A Normal Wednesday
Guess who sucker punched her bedroom window this morning in an attempt to kill a bug.
Yep, this girl.
There is glass everywhere.
FML.
Yep, this girl.
There is glass everywhere.
FML.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Go Ahead and Make a Girl Feel Special Why Dontcha!
This weekend was complete and utter shit thanks to the boy.
Every time I get into an argument with this boy, I am forced to re-evaluate what it is I think he has to offer because it is 'that' that I cling to. Not the actuality of him. The actuality of him can be shit sometimes.
There is a sensitive subject between the boy and I that I do not like talking about and surprisingly it is not his girlfriend. When Sean started working at Le Sad Store there was this girl (age 14) who use to come in the store and aisle stalk him. He use to make fun of her and her creepiness because she was there every weekend, during his shift, where she would sit in the aisle and talk about how cute he was to her friends.
But as the years have passed the girl has reached puberty, grown breasts, acquired my legs don't touch skinniness and is now legal....and Sean has developed a crush on her. I wish I was fucking kidding. When she got a boyfriend a few years ago Sean turned his attention from mocking her to mocking her boyfriend: Ugh, do you see the shit kid she is dating? No wonder she follows me around I am so much better? When Sean and his girlfriend damn near broke up in December he confessed to me that he wanted to pursue something with Toothpick (that's her name i have given her. Toothpick). By then, he'd acquired her name and talked to her when she dropped by the store.
He actually said this to me. That he wanted to keep his options open and Toothpick would be 'next in line' should things not work out with his girl.
I could not hide my jealousy and anger over the situation. I just couldn't. I felt like the girl who'd put in all the work on a project and this other chick (who's a kid for christ sakes!) was getting all the attention and credit for it. Because Sean was awful during December. He was moody and distant and mean and i dealt with it. I listened to him moan and bitch about his girlfriend. I was there when he cried and I had to console him. I was there. Faithful and true and there he was telling me, what i thought was our window of opportunity, that he was thinking about being with someone else, worst of all, someone underage.
While I've defended a lot of Sean's shit action in the past, I told him that this was a black and white situation. I could not hear him go on an on about this girl who once thought was a stalker. I would not support him and his pursuit of her. I would walk away from him and the situation should it ever come to pass. He couldn't understand why I was so upset but said he would stop talking about her with me because it made me uncomfortable. Before I could let the conversation go though i couldn't help but ask what he found so interesting about Toothpick and he said: "i don't know. She's not like the other teenagers who come into the store. She's nice and unique. And her face is so pretty. She's so fucking pretty".
Le sigh. Not like the other 'teenagers'. teen-ager. teen.
And the last couple of months the boy has stuck to his words. He didn't even utter Toothpicks name once. But this isn't because he is a mature adult who let his small obsession go after realizing how gross it was. No it was because Toothpick was no longer showing up to the store. At the end of December Sean said Toothpick was acting weird around him and then Bam she was gone. We later found out that she abruptly stopped showing up at the store because girl has some sort of behavioral issues (related to toothpickness) and was sent away to an institution. I shit you not. He knows how to pick em'.
Last month Sean befriended her on Facebook after months of wondering what'd happen to her. She accepted said friendship and he has been picture stalking her ever since. He came in the day after the friend acceptance and told "Topher" that she is the prettiest girl he has ever seen and that he spent most of his night going through her pictures. He also found out that her 18th birthday was coming up which made her legal!.
I found all of this out via Topher who too was quite grossed out by Sean and his behavior. I didn't approach Sean about this though because 1) I'm not his girlfriend (or apparently a consideration) and the last few months, outside of a few shit moments, have been great between us. But two weekends ago Toothpick was home for a visit and she stopped by the store. This motherfucker nearly knocked me over so he could run over to this girl. He told her that he missed seeing her around the store, that he missed her in general, that he hoped things were going well. I'm not sure what she said but the conversation was enough to kill my spirit.
Last week he found out it was her birthday and he came up to me and wanted me to guess who's special day it was. I asked if it was his moms? dads? sisters? maybe his nieces birthday. This motherfucker says "nope, it's Toothpick! she's officially 18 now". Remind you, this boy not only forgot my birthday but said it was my fault for not bringing it up to him. He didn't buy me a gift. He never even wished me a belated one. So needless to say I was not happy to hear that not only was it her birthday and he remembered it but that he also wanted to buy her something.
I spent the whole night in a funk. He couldn't or refused to understand why.
Now, come this Friday. I am in a relatively good mood because despite the "topher and his annoying girlfriend drama", Sean and I had a really good time the night before. I met his parents. I got a new television. We saw Star Trek. It was a successful night for him and I. I get to work though and the first thing my manager tells me is that 3 people have called out. My first thought is that Sean is one of them because well, he's the one person I wanted to be there. Without him work would be boring and uneventful. I would feel alone and disconnected. I started to dread even starting my shift once the possibility of him not being there was brought to my attention.
And for the first hour or so (because my other job lets out early and my shift at Le sad store starts late, i tend to spend a good 3 hours waiting for my shift to start)I didn't see him at all. While i didn't pace the store looking for him, I went to his favorite hiding spots and didn't see him anywhere. I quickly resigned myself to the fact that my partner is crime was MIA for the night.
Just when I convinced myself of this the boy comes into the break room as shocked to see me as i am to see him. I tell him i thought he called out. He tells me he thought i had the night off. It is a more awkward exchange then I expect because while I am happy to see him, he looks as if he wanted someone else to be on the other side of the door. I was a little too tired to explore the feeling of disconnect further so decide to drop the unease i felt and enjoy the fact that I won't be at work alone.
During the first hour of my shift I run into Sean as he is straightening up the aisle and he looks so...sad, i think. He looks like i thought'd i look when i thought he called out. He looked alone. Like when you're a kid and your best friend is home sick and you don't have anyone to hang out with the whole day. He looked like that. Except I couldn't understand why because I was there. I was right there. I ask him what's wrong because i can feel that something is up. He says "it's nothing. I'm just am dumb". I laugh and told him I could have told him that but seriously "what's up"
He says I don't want to know. I tell him I do want to. He warns me again that i really really don't want to know what he's thinking. So of course, being noisy, I say "oh come on, you have to tell me now". So he lets out a long sigh and says:
"well, it's just that I was hoping someone would stop by the store. And she hasn't. And i don't know why it makes me sad'.
To say that it felt like he had punched me in the stomach would be an understatement. Here i was happy that the boy i like hadn't called out and here he was wishing someone else was there. Someone else who until recently has been MIA.Someone else who is 18 years old. Someone who is not me. I felt completely and utterly crushed by the weight of his confession because there are moments when this boy makes me feel like I am nothing to him. That I am easily replaceable. But worst of all that I am not enough.
He immediately tried to say he was kidding I think because he saw how hurt I was by the many elements of his confession. But i knew that he wasn't. I knew that what he was saying was his honest truth. And in that moment It felt like he had summed up our relationship as well. Like he'd rejected the part of me I wanted most to mean to him. Because no matter what I do, or say, I will never be the one to make this boy happy. There is always going to be someone or thing better. It's bad enough that I can't compete with his girlfriend but now I don't even compete with a child.
And it's fucking humiliating that I want to matter so much to someone who can so easily look through me. He does it every fucking day. I'm not someone he considers. I am accessible. And around. But i'm not wanted. And he takes advantage of this. He takes advantage of me. Because I wish you could have seen the look on his face and how desperately he wanted this girl to walk into the store. As if it would have made his whole world. And I don't think i've ever had that affect on him. I don't think i ever will.
Every time I get into an argument with this boy, I am forced to re-evaluate what it is I think he has to offer because it is 'that' that I cling to. Not the actuality of him. The actuality of him can be shit sometimes.
There is a sensitive subject between the boy and I that I do not like talking about and surprisingly it is not his girlfriend. When Sean started working at Le Sad Store there was this girl (age 14) who use to come in the store and aisle stalk him. He use to make fun of her and her creepiness because she was there every weekend, during his shift, where she would sit in the aisle and talk about how cute he was to her friends.
But as the years have passed the girl has reached puberty, grown breasts, acquired my legs don't touch skinniness and is now legal....and Sean has developed a crush on her. I wish I was fucking kidding. When she got a boyfriend a few years ago Sean turned his attention from mocking her to mocking her boyfriend: Ugh, do you see the shit kid she is dating? No wonder she follows me around I am so much better? When Sean and his girlfriend damn near broke up in December he confessed to me that he wanted to pursue something with Toothpick (that's her name i have given her. Toothpick). By then, he'd acquired her name and talked to her when she dropped by the store.
He actually said this to me. That he wanted to keep his options open and Toothpick would be 'next in line' should things not work out with his girl.
I could not hide my jealousy and anger over the situation. I just couldn't. I felt like the girl who'd put in all the work on a project and this other chick (who's a kid for christ sakes!) was getting all the attention and credit for it. Because Sean was awful during December. He was moody and distant and mean and i dealt with it. I listened to him moan and bitch about his girlfriend. I was there when he cried and I had to console him. I was there. Faithful and true and there he was telling me, what i thought was our window of opportunity, that he was thinking about being with someone else, worst of all, someone underage.
While I've defended a lot of Sean's shit action in the past, I told him that this was a black and white situation. I could not hear him go on an on about this girl who once thought was a stalker. I would not support him and his pursuit of her. I would walk away from him and the situation should it ever come to pass. He couldn't understand why I was so upset but said he would stop talking about her with me because it made me uncomfortable. Before I could let the conversation go though i couldn't help but ask what he found so interesting about Toothpick and he said: "i don't know. She's not like the other teenagers who come into the store. She's nice and unique. And her face is so pretty. She's so fucking pretty".
Le sigh. Not like the other 'teenagers'. teen-ager. teen.
And the last couple of months the boy has stuck to his words. He didn't even utter Toothpicks name once. But this isn't because he is a mature adult who let his small obsession go after realizing how gross it was. No it was because Toothpick was no longer showing up to the store. At the end of December Sean said Toothpick was acting weird around him and then Bam she was gone. We later found out that she abruptly stopped showing up at the store because girl has some sort of behavioral issues (related to toothpickness) and was sent away to an institution. I shit you not. He knows how to pick em'.
Last month Sean befriended her on Facebook after months of wondering what'd happen to her. She accepted said friendship and he has been picture stalking her ever since. He came in the day after the friend acceptance and told "Topher" that she is the prettiest girl he has ever seen and that he spent most of his night going through her pictures. He also found out that her 18th birthday was coming up which made her legal!.
I found all of this out via Topher who too was quite grossed out by Sean and his behavior. I didn't approach Sean about this though because 1) I'm not his girlfriend (or apparently a consideration) and the last few months, outside of a few shit moments, have been great between us. But two weekends ago Toothpick was home for a visit and she stopped by the store. This motherfucker nearly knocked me over so he could run over to this girl. He told her that he missed seeing her around the store, that he missed her in general, that he hoped things were going well. I'm not sure what she said but the conversation was enough to kill my spirit.
Last week he found out it was her birthday and he came up to me and wanted me to guess who's special day it was. I asked if it was his moms? dads? sisters? maybe his nieces birthday. This motherfucker says "nope, it's Toothpick! she's officially 18 now". Remind you, this boy not only forgot my birthday but said it was my fault for not bringing it up to him. He didn't buy me a gift. He never even wished me a belated one. So needless to say I was not happy to hear that not only was it her birthday and he remembered it but that he also wanted to buy her something.
I spent the whole night in a funk. He couldn't or refused to understand why.
Now, come this Friday. I am in a relatively good mood because despite the "topher and his annoying girlfriend drama", Sean and I had a really good time the night before. I met his parents. I got a new television. We saw Star Trek. It was a successful night for him and I. I get to work though and the first thing my manager tells me is that 3 people have called out. My first thought is that Sean is one of them because well, he's the one person I wanted to be there. Without him work would be boring and uneventful. I would feel alone and disconnected. I started to dread even starting my shift once the possibility of him not being there was brought to my attention.
And for the first hour or so (because my other job lets out early and my shift at Le sad store starts late, i tend to spend a good 3 hours waiting for my shift to start)I didn't see him at all. While i didn't pace the store looking for him, I went to his favorite hiding spots and didn't see him anywhere. I quickly resigned myself to the fact that my partner is crime was MIA for the night.
Just when I convinced myself of this the boy comes into the break room as shocked to see me as i am to see him. I tell him i thought he called out. He tells me he thought i had the night off. It is a more awkward exchange then I expect because while I am happy to see him, he looks as if he wanted someone else to be on the other side of the door. I was a little too tired to explore the feeling of disconnect further so decide to drop the unease i felt and enjoy the fact that I won't be at work alone.
During the first hour of my shift I run into Sean as he is straightening up the aisle and he looks so...sad, i think. He looks like i thought'd i look when i thought he called out. He looked alone. Like when you're a kid and your best friend is home sick and you don't have anyone to hang out with the whole day. He looked like that. Except I couldn't understand why because I was there. I was right there. I ask him what's wrong because i can feel that something is up. He says "it's nothing. I'm just am dumb". I laugh and told him I could have told him that but seriously "what's up"
He says I don't want to know. I tell him I do want to. He warns me again that i really really don't want to know what he's thinking. So of course, being noisy, I say "oh come on, you have to tell me now". So he lets out a long sigh and says:
"well, it's just that I was hoping someone would stop by the store. And she hasn't. And i don't know why it makes me sad'.
To say that it felt like he had punched me in the stomach would be an understatement. Here i was happy that the boy i like hadn't called out and here he was wishing someone else was there. Someone else who until recently has been MIA.Someone else who is 18 years old. Someone who is not me. I felt completely and utterly crushed by the weight of his confession because there are moments when this boy makes me feel like I am nothing to him. That I am easily replaceable. But worst of all that I am not enough.
He immediately tried to say he was kidding I think because he saw how hurt I was by the many elements of his confession. But i knew that he wasn't. I knew that what he was saying was his honest truth. And in that moment It felt like he had summed up our relationship as well. Like he'd rejected the part of me I wanted most to mean to him. Because no matter what I do, or say, I will never be the one to make this boy happy. There is always going to be someone or thing better. It's bad enough that I can't compete with his girlfriend but now I don't even compete with a child.
And it's fucking humiliating that I want to matter so much to someone who can so easily look through me. He does it every fucking day. I'm not someone he considers. I am accessible. And around. But i'm not wanted. And he takes advantage of this. He takes advantage of me. Because I wish you could have seen the look on his face and how desperately he wanted this girl to walk into the store. As if it would have made his whole world. And I don't think i've ever had that affect on him. I don't think i ever will.
Friday, May 17, 2013
The Great, The -Meh, The Ugly
it never ceases to amaze me the useless drama that people bring to a situation just because. While this is nowhere near Not A Date Gate, last night was a mix of downright awesome and fucking ridiculous.
When we all agreed that we wanted to see Star Trek we were sort of iffy on the plans preceding the actual movie. Our local theater was doing several showings yesterday so the only concrete plan we had was that we'd catch the last showing at 10pm (to accommodate any one who was working that day).
"Topher", the big star trek nerdy fan who was the leader behind the outing, is sort of a spaz when it comes to organizing shit. He was so concerned about what we would all be wearing that he didn't really take into account that we would all be lingering around for at least 5 hours until the movie started. Michelle and I requested the day off weeks in advance. Topher, his annoying Girlfriend, Sean and another co-worker all got off work between 2pm and 5. And the last member of our crew, Rich, was going to come to the store around 5.
I hate being at work when I am not scheduled to work. It's dumb and it's tacky and it makes me look like i do not have a life outside of the store. Topher is there all the time. He has actually requested days off and then sat in the break room for four hours doing nothing. For the past week I've been asking him about what we should do before the movie. I wanted to hit up my favorite bar and grill around 6, eat, drink and hang out with them there until 9 where we would then all head to the theater in preparation for the movie.
Topher did not want to do this. He wanted us all to meet him and his annoying Girlfriend at the store at 4, where we would watch the first Star Trek movie in the break room. Then we would grab food from this crap shit burger place nearby, bring the food back to the break room and hang out there taking dumb pictures of all of us in our costume until the movie started. I immediately told him i was not down for this plan. I was not going to sit in the break room, on my day off, for five hours.
The fact that some of us took off, requested to open or were simply not working that day suggested to me that we shouldn't then hang out at work until our movie started. I told Sean I wasn't going to just hang around the store until 10pm. I'd go to the mall. Go home. See another movie before our movie started before sitting in the break room listening to Topher and his annoying girlfriend talk for five hours. I wasn't going to do it. And Sean agreed that Tophers plan was less then ideal.
A few weeks ago Sean offered to give me his old TV as he was getting a new one with the money he got back from his tax return. The boy is in my room a lot and while he thinks my space is very awesome...he hates my small TV. Every time he walks in my room he looks at my small, hunched back television with scorn. He won't even watch TV on it. We'll huddle around my wide screen laptop instead. So when he offered to give me his television I think it had more to do with him than me. We haven't had time to actually get and set up the TV from his house though so we both agreed that we'd do that before the movie instead of hanging out in the break room. And after we settled our business we'd meet everyone back when it was time to eat.
So yesterday, despite the nerves, I meet Sean at the store so we could go to his house and pick up the television. He wanted me to bring my Xbox as well because his PS3 did not work on the television and he was concerned my console wouldn't either. As I walk into the break room Topher's annoying Girlfriend is talking about herself as usual but before I too can get sucked into the void that is her voice, Sean comes into the breakroom and says we need to go.
The next three hours were completely awesome. The events are worthy of a completely different post! I had the boy all to myself for 3 hours and I can't lie that I like the attention. I met and embarrassed myself in front of his parents (i think I was still sort of adorable though) and i was even asked to stay for dinner. We all played fetch with his dog and made fun of Taylor Swift. It was nice and I didn't feel like an intruder. Finally, we got down to business and the boy revealed the TV he was giving to me. It's seriously like a brand new television. Flat screen. Really big. I'm not great at describing electronics. As long as something works i don't really care about how new it is. But boy oh boy is this thing beautiful. We tested my Xbox on it and when it worked we played a game I brought along to test out.
Time sort of got the best of us and around 6:30 Topher sends me a text asking where we are. I tell him we are still in the Bronx but that we'll be there in an hour. He says fine because they decided to head to a restaurant instead for food so we should start making our way back. I sigh and tell Sean we got to go. We lug the TV and my console into his car, I go back to say goodbye to his folks and then we head to my house to drop off everything and then head to the store.
Now at this point I am still under the impression that they are going to be at the restaurant for a while. I mean I've gone out drinking and eating and have stayed at said place for hours. I text Michelle, who also did not want to hang around the store for five hours, and tell her to meet up with Sean and I at the store. When we get there she is waiting in the music department. I tell her I just have to change into my costume and then we'll join everyone and get food.
But when we walk into the break room guess who is there...Topher, Annoying Girl, Rich and the other Guy. Just sitting there as if we hadn't made plans to grab dinner. So I ask if they were waiting for us to get there before they head to the restaurant. Annoying Girlfriend rolls her eyes and Topher says "no, we went on ahead and ate without you guys".
Are. You. Fucking. Serious.
I turn to Sean with the most exasperated look ever. Sean shrugs his shoulder starts going through the fridge for stuff he can eat. Michelle is pissed. She tells Topher that that is fucked up because he just sent us the text an hour ago saying to meet him. How did they order, eat and leave in the 60 minutes it took us to get there? She then storms out the breakroom with everyone looking at me in shock and annoyance.
I tell Topher that Sean, Michelle and I will grab something really quick from the cafe but that they should have waited. I go into the hallway where Michelle is fuming and I tell her to follow me to the bathroom so we can talk while I change into my costume. In the bathroom me and Michelle complain about the fuckupedness of the situation. I say that without any concrete plans from Topher (or his annoying parrot of a girlfriend) I was not going to just hang around the store all day. They can't be mad at us for showing up when we did and they shouldn't have taken said frustrations out by having dinner without us.
During this exchange Annoying Girlfriend walks into the bathroom. I pick up on Michelle's sudden we'll talk about this later tone and I shut up cause I know AG is listening. When she leaves Michelle says that she probably heard what we said and is going back to tell Topher. I tell her I don't care because everyone already knew that I was not going to hang out in the store . Of course when we exit the bathroom and head back into the breakroom Annoying Girlfriend, Topher and Rich decide they need a smoke and walk out like a gang of assholes to talk shit about us.
When I asked why they got up and left Sean, looking visibly pissed, said I know what 'i did' and that he is not getting involved (as usual). I bout gave up on the whole night after this. I was beyond livid. I couldn't even hide my frustration because once again here I was making things worse when I hadn't even done anything.
When Topher, AG and Rich return I go up to Topher and ask him if there is a "problem" (oh, interesting fact these days I do not avoid confrontation. If I have an issue with any one or vice versa I am all about talking the shit out instead of letting it linger. I just don't have the time to be passive about arguments. If we are going to do it, I'd rather do it now and quick). He looks taken aback and says coyly "no, i don't know what you are talking about". I say "well, since we got here things have been very awkward and weird and cliquey. I told you beforehand I had plans. If it was a problem then you should have said something instead of waiting til we got here to give us the cold shoulder. I also don't need words being put in my mouth. If you have a problem you talk to me about it. It's a fucking movie. Let's just enjoy the fucking movie".
And then I stomped away. I'm not sure if my speech actually changed how we all felt about the situation but we pretended for the next four hours to enjoy each other company. But because of the exchange beforehand I couldn't really enjoy Space...the final frontier. I mean it was good and Benedict Cumberbatch was amazing but i was uber annoyed by Topher, AG and Rich. When we are around multiple people Sean sort of shuts down, brings up his girlfriend a lot and is not as attentive to me so I couldn't even enjoy sitting next to him. Michelle keep squealing every time Benedict Cumberbatch came on screen and the other guy with us....poor guy, I sort of forgot he was there.
After the movie Topher and AG make a Beeline for the exit and don't even wait for us. My head hurts from all the explosions and fast action shots from the movie and I've mentally checked out. When we finally catch up to the ashats Topher asks us....lord give me strength...to give us his costumes back. He actually wanted his costumes back right then and there. We already knew they weren't ours to keep but he couldn't let us at least bring them back to him the next day.
I was not wearing anything under my costume so i dared him, in front of his girl, to take it from me if he really wanted it. He didn't. I did have to give him back the earrings he let me borrow though and the boys ended up stripping in the lobby of the theater and handed over their shirts. It was the dumbest thing I have ever witnessed and/or been a part of.
I hate how quickly things went from being awesome and amazing to complete and utter shit. I also hate how I ended up being responsible for a least some of the the awkwardness because I was being honest.
Ugh. Ugh. and more Ugh.
When we all agreed that we wanted to see Star Trek we were sort of iffy on the plans preceding the actual movie. Our local theater was doing several showings yesterday so the only concrete plan we had was that we'd catch the last showing at 10pm (to accommodate any one who was working that day).
"Topher", the big star trek nerdy fan who was the leader behind the outing, is sort of a spaz when it comes to organizing shit. He was so concerned about what we would all be wearing that he didn't really take into account that we would all be lingering around for at least 5 hours until the movie started. Michelle and I requested the day off weeks in advance. Topher, his annoying Girlfriend, Sean and another co-worker all got off work between 2pm and 5. And the last member of our crew, Rich, was going to come to the store around 5.
I hate being at work when I am not scheduled to work. It's dumb and it's tacky and it makes me look like i do not have a life outside of the store. Topher is there all the time. He has actually requested days off and then sat in the break room for four hours doing nothing. For the past week I've been asking him about what we should do before the movie. I wanted to hit up my favorite bar and grill around 6, eat, drink and hang out with them there until 9 where we would then all head to the theater in preparation for the movie.
Topher did not want to do this. He wanted us all to meet him and his annoying Girlfriend at the store at 4, where we would watch the first Star Trek movie in the break room. Then we would grab food from this crap shit burger place nearby, bring the food back to the break room and hang out there taking dumb pictures of all of us in our costume until the movie started. I immediately told him i was not down for this plan. I was not going to sit in the break room, on my day off, for five hours.
The fact that some of us took off, requested to open or were simply not working that day suggested to me that we shouldn't then hang out at work until our movie started. I told Sean I wasn't going to just hang around the store until 10pm. I'd go to the mall. Go home. See another movie before our movie started before sitting in the break room listening to Topher and his annoying girlfriend talk for five hours. I wasn't going to do it. And Sean agreed that Tophers plan was less then ideal.
A few weeks ago Sean offered to give me his old TV as he was getting a new one with the money he got back from his tax return. The boy is in my room a lot and while he thinks my space is very awesome...he hates my small TV. Every time he walks in my room he looks at my small, hunched back television with scorn. He won't even watch TV on it. We'll huddle around my wide screen laptop instead. So when he offered to give me his television I think it had more to do with him than me. We haven't had time to actually get and set up the TV from his house though so we both agreed that we'd do that before the movie instead of hanging out in the break room. And after we settled our business we'd meet everyone back when it was time to eat.
So yesterday, despite the nerves, I meet Sean at the store so we could go to his house and pick up the television. He wanted me to bring my Xbox as well because his PS3 did not work on the television and he was concerned my console wouldn't either. As I walk into the break room Topher's annoying Girlfriend is talking about herself as usual but before I too can get sucked into the void that is her voice, Sean comes into the breakroom and says we need to go.
The next three hours were completely awesome. The events are worthy of a completely different post! I had the boy all to myself for 3 hours and I can't lie that I like the attention. I met and embarrassed myself in front of his parents (i think I was still sort of adorable though) and i was even asked to stay for dinner. We all played fetch with his dog and made fun of Taylor Swift. It was nice and I didn't feel like an intruder. Finally, we got down to business and the boy revealed the TV he was giving to me. It's seriously like a brand new television. Flat screen. Really big. I'm not great at describing electronics. As long as something works i don't really care about how new it is. But boy oh boy is this thing beautiful. We tested my Xbox on it and when it worked we played a game I brought along to test out.
Time sort of got the best of us and around 6:30 Topher sends me a text asking where we are. I tell him we are still in the Bronx but that we'll be there in an hour. He says fine because they decided to head to a restaurant instead for food so we should start making our way back. I sigh and tell Sean we got to go. We lug the TV and my console into his car, I go back to say goodbye to his folks and then we head to my house to drop off everything and then head to the store.
Now at this point I am still under the impression that they are going to be at the restaurant for a while. I mean I've gone out drinking and eating and have stayed at said place for hours. I text Michelle, who also did not want to hang around the store for five hours, and tell her to meet up with Sean and I at the store. When we get there she is waiting in the music department. I tell her I just have to change into my costume and then we'll join everyone and get food.
But when we walk into the break room guess who is there...Topher, Annoying Girl, Rich and the other Guy. Just sitting there as if we hadn't made plans to grab dinner. So I ask if they were waiting for us to get there before they head to the restaurant. Annoying Girlfriend rolls her eyes and Topher says "no, we went on ahead and ate without you guys".
Are. You. Fucking. Serious.
I turn to Sean with the most exasperated look ever. Sean shrugs his shoulder starts going through the fridge for stuff he can eat. Michelle is pissed. She tells Topher that that is fucked up because he just sent us the text an hour ago saying to meet him. How did they order, eat and leave in the 60 minutes it took us to get there? She then storms out the breakroom with everyone looking at me in shock and annoyance.
I tell Topher that Sean, Michelle and I will grab something really quick from the cafe but that they should have waited. I go into the hallway where Michelle is fuming and I tell her to follow me to the bathroom so we can talk while I change into my costume. In the bathroom me and Michelle complain about the fuckupedness of the situation. I say that without any concrete plans from Topher (or his annoying parrot of a girlfriend) I was not going to just hang around the store all day. They can't be mad at us for showing up when we did and they shouldn't have taken said frustrations out by having dinner without us.
During this exchange Annoying Girlfriend walks into the bathroom. I pick up on Michelle's sudden we'll talk about this later tone and I shut up cause I know AG is listening. When she leaves Michelle says that she probably heard what we said and is going back to tell Topher. I tell her I don't care because everyone already knew that I was not going to hang out in the store . Of course when we exit the bathroom and head back into the breakroom Annoying Girlfriend, Topher and Rich decide they need a smoke and walk out like a gang of assholes to talk shit about us.
When I asked why they got up and left Sean, looking visibly pissed, said I know what 'i did' and that he is not getting involved (as usual). I bout gave up on the whole night after this. I was beyond livid. I couldn't even hide my frustration because once again here I was making things worse when I hadn't even done anything.
When Topher, AG and Rich return I go up to Topher and ask him if there is a "problem" (oh, interesting fact these days I do not avoid confrontation. If I have an issue with any one or vice versa I am all about talking the shit out instead of letting it linger. I just don't have the time to be passive about arguments. If we are going to do it, I'd rather do it now and quick). He looks taken aback and says coyly "no, i don't know what you are talking about". I say "well, since we got here things have been very awkward and weird and cliquey. I told you beforehand I had plans. If it was a problem then you should have said something instead of waiting til we got here to give us the cold shoulder. I also don't need words being put in my mouth. If you have a problem you talk to me about it. It's a fucking movie. Let's just enjoy the fucking movie".
And then I stomped away. I'm not sure if my speech actually changed how we all felt about the situation but we pretended for the next four hours to enjoy each other company. But because of the exchange beforehand I couldn't really enjoy Space...the final frontier. I mean it was good and Benedict Cumberbatch was amazing but i was uber annoyed by Topher, AG and Rich. When we are around multiple people Sean sort of shuts down, brings up his girlfriend a lot and is not as attentive to me so I couldn't even enjoy sitting next to him. Michelle keep squealing every time Benedict Cumberbatch came on screen and the other guy with us....poor guy, I sort of forgot he was there.
After the movie Topher and AG make a Beeline for the exit and don't even wait for us. My head hurts from all the explosions and fast action shots from the movie and I've mentally checked out. When we finally catch up to the ashats Topher asks us....lord give me strength...to give us his costumes back. He actually wanted his costumes back right then and there. We already knew they weren't ours to keep but he couldn't let us at least bring them back to him the next day.
I was not wearing anything under my costume so i dared him, in front of his girl, to take it from me if he really wanted it. He didn't. I did have to give him back the earrings he let me borrow though and the boys ended up stripping in the lobby of the theater and handed over their shirts. It was the dumbest thing I have ever witnessed and/or been a part of.
I hate how quickly things went from being awesome and amazing to complete and utter shit. I also hate how I ended up being responsible for a least some of the the awkwardness because I was being honest.
Ugh. Ugh. and more Ugh.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Into Darkness
I feel like I might puke from nerves.
Tonight we are all going to the midinight-ish showing of Star Trek. My friend, who is a huge star trek nerd, spent a crap load of money buying us these ridiculous costumes to wear because he thought it'd be fun if we made a whole event out of a movie we all want to see .
Sean and I are donning blue star trek uniforms. Sean and I are also hanging out before the movie starts. Then we are meeting up with said geeky friends for dinner right before the movie.
Why does this feel like Valentines Day all over again, except hopefully there won't be any tears or me threatening to break doors out of anger and embarrassment.
One day i wish to be a functioning human being who does not get severe anxiety over social gatherings. While i have been waiting and preparing for this day for months I am a ball full of awful nerves now that the movie is mere hours away.
What the hell I am I suppose to do with Sean for 4 hours (don't answer that). Am i actually expected to wear this star trek outfit the whole night. Why the hell did i decide to wear a mini skirt with it instead of leggings. Why am I sweating. I haven't even left work left to meet up with the boy so we can head back to his house.
Why am i going to his house. Why isn't there a manual of how to conduct oneself in public. I should not be allowed out of the house based on how poorly i behave in big groups. I get sullen and tired and I want to retreat home quickly.
But i hate that every time I am out with this boy he has to compensate for my anxiety. I want there to be at least one outing where I am not a hot mess of tears and regret.
I am not a religious girl but Dear God Lady Ma'am please let tonight go well. Please give me the strength to just have fun and enjoy an outing with my friends. Please don't let me barf on anyone. And please, please let Sean think I am uber pretty in this stupid over sized costume. If you could help an awkward girl out that would be great.
~Beckett
Tonight we are all going to the midinight-ish showing of Star Trek. My friend, who is a huge star trek nerd, spent a crap load of money buying us these ridiculous costumes to wear because he thought it'd be fun if we made a whole event out of a movie we all want to see .
Sean and I are donning blue star trek uniforms. Sean and I are also hanging out before the movie starts. Then we are meeting up with said geeky friends for dinner right before the movie.
Why does this feel like Valentines Day all over again, except hopefully there won't be any tears or me threatening to break doors out of anger and embarrassment.
One day i wish to be a functioning human being who does not get severe anxiety over social gatherings. While i have been waiting and preparing for this day for months I am a ball full of awful nerves now that the movie is mere hours away.
What the hell I am I suppose to do with Sean for 4 hours (don't answer that). Am i actually expected to wear this star trek outfit the whole night. Why the hell did i decide to wear a mini skirt with it instead of leggings. Why am I sweating. I haven't even left work left to meet up with the boy so we can head back to his house.
Why am i going to his house. Why isn't there a manual of how to conduct oneself in public. I should not be allowed out of the house based on how poorly i behave in big groups. I get sullen and tired and I want to retreat home quickly.
But i hate that every time I am out with this boy he has to compensate for my anxiety. I want there to be at least one outing where I am not a hot mess of tears and regret.
I am not a religious girl but Dear God Lady Ma'am please let tonight go well. Please give me the strength to just have fun and enjoy an outing with my friends. Please don't let me barf on anyone. And please, please let Sean think I am uber pretty in this stupid over sized costume. If you could help an awkward girl out that would be great.
~Beckett
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Good Grief
So a few months ago Sean decided he wanted to join the Air force and despite my selfish reservations (well, how will that include me) I could understand his desire to move on from life at the bookstore.
Cause if i can be brutally honest the book selling business isn't going well. I literally overheard my manager talking to someone on the phone about how poorly our store is doing and that drastic measures would have to be taken if we were going to stay in business. This is a terrifying thing to hear your store manager say. I mean even though I have a second job and another form of income the bookstore has been my life for the past four years and the thought of it closing scares the shit of out me.
I haven't really been looking for a full time position since I got this job at the law school. I'll admit I've been skating on the comfort zone of two part time jobs. But the reality is the eventually I'll have to make actual money. I want my own apartment and a car and a cat named Jack. I can't afford any of those things on the income I make.
And lately Sean has been on this same 'i need to be doing something with my life' boat. Except unlike like my approach (looking for a better job) the boy wants to join the Military though he has never had any interest in it. When I met him four years ago he wanted to be a fireman. Soon after he wanted to work for his dad's company. Then he wanted to be a Police Officer. When all of these did not work out for some reason or another he settled on joining the Air Force because when he was a kid he wanted to be a pilot and the Air Force could make that happen quickly.
I have not been entirely supportive of this plan because of a million and one reason and last week when he told me he had been disqualified as a candidate for the Air Force because of his medical history (kidney stones).... I was relieved. I'm not going to lie, I was relieved. It's hard enough having the relationship I have with him with his girlfriend still in the picture. I feel like I'm competing in a race I am never going to win because the course of the race keep changing or worse the finish line keeps moving and I lack any idea where i am headed.
And if it weren't for all these stupid mixed messages I would literally stop being so consumed by him. But I can't help but feel confused by this boy based on the last couple of months. I mean he asked me to move in with him. He is always making an excuse to spend time with me. I spent the night at his house. He is always at mine.. He is the most affectionate and distant boy. And it is hard having all the particles of this boy. It's almost unbearable having him as a part time boy with none of the benefits (none. of. the. benefits) and I really really really want to reap the benefits.
So the thought of him going away for 5 or 10 years to join the military is frightening because I don't have a hold on him now. He is just this guy within my reach who keeps pulling away while I continue to hang on to the idea of him and us. I thought once the Air Force thing didn't work out he would drop the whole military thing. I thought maybe he would decide to just apply to things locally. But today I stopped by the store to finalize plans with him on Thursday. We were planning on going to his house to watch a movie before meeting up with people from work. He tells me though we may not be able to head to his house because he is going in for his physical on Thursday to join the Navy.
When they fuck did he decide to join the Navy?
His recruiter called him just before I showed up and told him that he'd have to go to Brooklyn all day Thursday for this physical and that if he passes he will be accepted to the Navy and sent off to boot camp in October (or even as early as July). He assured me that he will still be able to attend the late night showing of Star Trek but that he will have to pick me up later than he expected.
I got the sense that he wanted me to be happy about this Navy thing. He keep looking for a reaction on my face that read excitement. Instead I couldn't hide my apprehension. I don't know why this boy can't tell how much I honestly care about him because he doesn't get it. He has absolutely no clue. And now here is he planning on going away for how ever many years to live on a boat. A boat.
This has suddenly depressed the shit out of me. I hate that when i'm with him I feel like I am trying to prove that I am good enough. Because if I were good enough maybe he'd take a chance on me and leave his girlfriend just so we can try things out the right way. And i'm also not enough for him to stay and get a civilian job so he can be close to...me.
Cause if i can be brutally honest the book selling business isn't going well. I literally overheard my manager talking to someone on the phone about how poorly our store is doing and that drastic measures would have to be taken if we were going to stay in business. This is a terrifying thing to hear your store manager say. I mean even though I have a second job and another form of income the bookstore has been my life for the past four years and the thought of it closing scares the shit of out me.
I haven't really been looking for a full time position since I got this job at the law school. I'll admit I've been skating on the comfort zone of two part time jobs. But the reality is the eventually I'll have to make actual money. I want my own apartment and a car and a cat named Jack. I can't afford any of those things on the income I make.
And lately Sean has been on this same 'i need to be doing something with my life' boat. Except unlike like my approach (looking for a better job) the boy wants to join the Military though he has never had any interest in it. When I met him four years ago he wanted to be a fireman. Soon after he wanted to work for his dad's company. Then he wanted to be a Police Officer. When all of these did not work out for some reason or another he settled on joining the Air Force because when he was a kid he wanted to be a pilot and the Air Force could make that happen quickly.
I have not been entirely supportive of this plan because of a million and one reason and last week when he told me he had been disqualified as a candidate for the Air Force because of his medical history (kidney stones).... I was relieved. I'm not going to lie, I was relieved. It's hard enough having the relationship I have with him with his girlfriend still in the picture. I feel like I'm competing in a race I am never going to win because the course of the race keep changing or worse the finish line keeps moving and I lack any idea where i am headed.
And if it weren't for all these stupid mixed messages I would literally stop being so consumed by him. But I can't help but feel confused by this boy based on the last couple of months. I mean he asked me to move in with him. He is always making an excuse to spend time with me. I spent the night at his house. He is always at mine.. He is the most affectionate and distant boy. And it is hard having all the particles of this boy. It's almost unbearable having him as a part time boy with none of the benefits (none. of. the. benefits) and I really really really want to reap the benefits.
So the thought of him going away for 5 or 10 years to join the military is frightening because I don't have a hold on him now. He is just this guy within my reach who keeps pulling away while I continue to hang on to the idea of him and us. I thought once the Air Force thing didn't work out he would drop the whole military thing. I thought maybe he would decide to just apply to things locally. But today I stopped by the store to finalize plans with him on Thursday. We were planning on going to his house to watch a movie before meeting up with people from work. He tells me though we may not be able to head to his house because he is going in for his physical on Thursday to join the Navy.
When they fuck did he decide to join the Navy?
His recruiter called him just before I showed up and told him that he'd have to go to Brooklyn all day Thursday for this physical and that if he passes he will be accepted to the Navy and sent off to boot camp in October (or even as early as July). He assured me that he will still be able to attend the late night showing of Star Trek but that he will have to pick me up later than he expected.
I got the sense that he wanted me to be happy about this Navy thing. He keep looking for a reaction on my face that read excitement. Instead I couldn't hide my apprehension. I don't know why this boy can't tell how much I honestly care about him because he doesn't get it. He has absolutely no clue. And now here is he planning on going away for how ever many years to live on a boat. A boat.
This has suddenly depressed the shit out of me. I hate that when i'm with him I feel like I am trying to prove that I am good enough. Because if I were good enough maybe he'd take a chance on me and leave his girlfriend just so we can try things out the right way. And i'm also not enough for him to stay and get a civilian job so he can be close to...me.
Monday, May 13, 2013
April Retrospect/ May Happenings
Sorry for my general lack of posting these days.
Its weird to think that there was a time when I could post once or twice a day and now I can barely even do one lame post a month.
I wish I could say it's because I've so busy and life is so exciting and I just have no time to write but that would be a lie. I have at least four hours a day to write or read or draw silly things while I am at my other job especially now that it is the end of the semester.
The truth is I've been suffering from a writers block lately. I have all these thoughts that want to go somewhere and become something but for some reason I cannot adequately get from thought a to b without this blank space invading it. I also am afraid of writing. I am afraid of documenting things down because it use to make me so happy and bring so much calm and I feel alien to that feeling these days.
I've been writing daily in my moleskin journals but even then my words come out like the incomplete rantings of a love-lorned, angsty, 20 something year old girl. These daily musings are pretty embarrassing, crazy and slightly depressing and I don't quite know how to expand these thoughts into longer more flushed out passages, hence the lack of writing.
It also doesn't help that Spring depresses the shit out of me. Now that winter has officially given way to spring the warm weather, sun and the scantily clothed girls walking about has brought my mood down a bit. I remember my mom telling me once that my aunt (her younger sister) suffers from Seasonal Depression and I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of being sad because the sun isn't out.
But after living with my aunt for a year I could see the difference in her mood and personality based on the season. She thrives during warmer weather. She is chirpier and nicer and pleasant to be around when the sun was out. When I lived with her she had plans everyday for my cousin and i to go out and enjoy the sun. Come winter however, my aunt would become the bitchiest of ice queens. She slept a lot. Complained about everything aching. And seemed the most irritated by my presence during Fall and Winter. It was during the end of fall that I was asked to leave her house and while I have never been happier, her moodiness during the last few weeks I lived with her was torturous.
But now that Spring is here and I am feeling more sullen and grumpy then usual, I am beginning to think that I too suffer from some form of this Seasonal Depression thing. I have little to no motivation to do anything now that the sun is out and the streets are alive with people. I'd prefer to stay inside all day, under the covers, and listen to whatever is playing on the television. I have even thought about replacing my lace window curtains with darker ones because I am unnerved by how bright my room is during the day.
I have always been like this partly because of my introversion and partly because of anxiety. While neither have been as extreme as they were in college, they are still things I suffer from. Every once in a while I will have a panic attack at work or in crowded places. I can get absolutely (and irrationally) overwhelmed buy the simplest of thoughts. And lately, I don't feel 'good enough' for any one person. I do not like a lot of people and for that reason I fear not living up to the expectations of the small few I do care about. And now that summer is just around the corner and I have social gatherings and birthdays and my mom's impending trip to New York (Sean and I are picking her up. Sean is going to meet me mom. I am dying of nerves) I am consumed with the blues. The blues!
While i enjoy all the movement and activity of my current life For the most part I enjoy the pleasure of my own company. I still have very loner tendencies and am exhausted by people quickly. I am afraid that I won't be able to satisfy anyone. I am not sure how to be the me who is quiet and pensive amongst my crowd of very demanding friends. Kat is still dealing with her boy drama. Sean is still confused Sean. My bosses at Le Sad Store are driving me crazy. And there is so much chatter coming from every single person in my very small life that I feel consumed and lost in it all. It is literally wearing me thin. I am going to have to figure out how to balance it all.
The biggest issues as of late is the Kat drama (go figure). The other week she told me that she could no longer talk to Preacher Boy because her boyfriend found out about their late night chats. She was completely and utterly devastated that the possibility of them hooking up was over. She spent the whole week crying. She called out from work. And she told me she was going to disappear for a while because she couldn't deal with having to 'end' things with Preacher boy.
Yesterday we went to see the Great Gatsby. The theater is located around the corner from our store. I wanted to go to the earliest show possible because I wanted time to go home, take a nap before my closing shift. She didn't want to go to the showing at noon. I didn't question why and agreed to go to a later show.
She shows up at my house all dressed up and I am confused. Did i get the wrong memo? Are we not just going to the movies? Is there a dress code at the theater? Why is she wearing makeup. On the way there she tells me that the movie is 2 hours and 30 minutes long and that she wants to stop by the store afterwards. I don't question why because I also want to drop in to check my schedule for the night. When the movie is over she says she has to run to her car to put on makeup. I ask why, she turns to me and said '...cause -youknowwho- starts his shift in a few minutes. I just want to run in, have him see me all dressed up and you, know, leave---"
My eyes almost rolled up in the back of my head out of sheer exasperation. She coordinated what time we'd see the movie in time to coincidentally run into Preacher boy. So we end up going to the store after she applies her face with makeup so that she could literally walk by him (neither one of them spoke), have him hear us talk about the movie and leave. It was embarrassing.
On the drive home I tell her that I don't want to be involved in any more of the Preacher Boy happenings. I just don't have the energy to juggle my boy happenings and mishaps and shake ups with the back and forth happenings of the never ending Preacher Boy saga especially because I like her boyfriend (he took us both out for crepes and then to the park to watch the sunset just because he wanted to know who his girlfriends best friend is. I mean come on!) and am not really on Preachers Boys team especially because he's married and now a manager at our store. She seemed taken a back by this. And then asked what my sudden change in attitude was all about.
I told her that I enjoy being her friend and hanging out with her but that I can't continue doing this truly immature and childish cat and mouse game with the boys we like. I can't keep enabling her and myself to dabble in relationships that aren't healthy. It just doesn't seem fair anymore. For either of us. I said all of this yesterday. I wish the honesty of my words relieved me more than terrified me. I just feel like I am growing up and I want more meaningful connections and in order to get them I am going to have to be more truthful with the people around me and to myself.
I am going to try and write more. I really want to be able to look back at this time in my life with a record of all the good and bad in my life. I miss when writing was this calming thing. It was a way for me to express in the real world. And now I have all this real world stuff happening and I can't seem to find the words to describe what it all feels and looks like. But I will do my best.
Its weird to think that there was a time when I could post once or twice a day and now I can barely even do one lame post a month.
I wish I could say it's because I've so busy and life is so exciting and I just have no time to write but that would be a lie. I have at least four hours a day to write or read or draw silly things while I am at my other job especially now that it is the end of the semester.
The truth is I've been suffering from a writers block lately. I have all these thoughts that want to go somewhere and become something but for some reason I cannot adequately get from thought a to b without this blank space invading it. I also am afraid of writing. I am afraid of documenting things down because it use to make me so happy and bring so much calm and I feel alien to that feeling these days.
I've been writing daily in my moleskin journals but even then my words come out like the incomplete rantings of a love-lorned, angsty, 20 something year old girl. These daily musings are pretty embarrassing, crazy and slightly depressing and I don't quite know how to expand these thoughts into longer more flushed out passages, hence the lack of writing.
It also doesn't help that Spring depresses the shit out of me. Now that winter has officially given way to spring the warm weather, sun and the scantily clothed girls walking about has brought my mood down a bit. I remember my mom telling me once that my aunt (her younger sister) suffers from Seasonal Depression and I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of being sad because the sun isn't out.
But after living with my aunt for a year I could see the difference in her mood and personality based on the season. She thrives during warmer weather. She is chirpier and nicer and pleasant to be around when the sun was out. When I lived with her she had plans everyday for my cousin and i to go out and enjoy the sun. Come winter however, my aunt would become the bitchiest of ice queens. She slept a lot. Complained about everything aching. And seemed the most irritated by my presence during Fall and Winter. It was during the end of fall that I was asked to leave her house and while I have never been happier, her moodiness during the last few weeks I lived with her was torturous.
But now that Spring is here and I am feeling more sullen and grumpy then usual, I am beginning to think that I too suffer from some form of this Seasonal Depression thing. I have little to no motivation to do anything now that the sun is out and the streets are alive with people. I'd prefer to stay inside all day, under the covers, and listen to whatever is playing on the television. I have even thought about replacing my lace window curtains with darker ones because I am unnerved by how bright my room is during the day.
I have always been like this partly because of my introversion and partly because of anxiety. While neither have been as extreme as they were in college, they are still things I suffer from. Every once in a while I will have a panic attack at work or in crowded places. I can get absolutely (and irrationally) overwhelmed buy the simplest of thoughts. And lately, I don't feel 'good enough' for any one person. I do not like a lot of people and for that reason I fear not living up to the expectations of the small few I do care about. And now that summer is just around the corner and I have social gatherings and birthdays and my mom's impending trip to New York (Sean and I are picking her up. Sean is going to meet me mom. I am dying of nerves) I am consumed with the blues. The blues!
While i enjoy all the movement and activity of my current life For the most part I enjoy the pleasure of my own company. I still have very loner tendencies and am exhausted by people quickly. I am afraid that I won't be able to satisfy anyone. I am not sure how to be the me who is quiet and pensive amongst my crowd of very demanding friends. Kat is still dealing with her boy drama. Sean is still confused Sean. My bosses at Le Sad Store are driving me crazy. And there is so much chatter coming from every single person in my very small life that I feel consumed and lost in it all. It is literally wearing me thin. I am going to have to figure out how to balance it all.
The biggest issues as of late is the Kat drama (go figure). The other week she told me that she could no longer talk to Preacher Boy because her boyfriend found out about their late night chats. She was completely and utterly devastated that the possibility of them hooking up was over. She spent the whole week crying. She called out from work. And she told me she was going to disappear for a while because she couldn't deal with having to 'end' things with Preacher boy.
Yesterday we went to see the Great Gatsby. The theater is located around the corner from our store. I wanted to go to the earliest show possible because I wanted time to go home, take a nap before my closing shift. She didn't want to go to the showing at noon. I didn't question why and agreed to go to a later show.
She shows up at my house all dressed up and I am confused. Did i get the wrong memo? Are we not just going to the movies? Is there a dress code at the theater? Why is she wearing makeup. On the way there she tells me that the movie is 2 hours and 30 minutes long and that she wants to stop by the store afterwards. I don't question why because I also want to drop in to check my schedule for the night. When the movie is over she says she has to run to her car to put on makeup. I ask why, she turns to me and said '...cause -youknowwho- starts his shift in a few minutes. I just want to run in, have him see me all dressed up and you, know, leave---"
My eyes almost rolled up in the back of my head out of sheer exasperation. She coordinated what time we'd see the movie in time to coincidentally run into Preacher boy. So we end up going to the store after she applies her face with makeup so that she could literally walk by him (neither one of them spoke), have him hear us talk about the movie and leave. It was embarrassing.
On the drive home I tell her that I don't want to be involved in any more of the Preacher Boy happenings. I just don't have the energy to juggle my boy happenings and mishaps and shake ups with the back and forth happenings of the never ending Preacher Boy saga especially because I like her boyfriend (he took us both out for crepes and then to the park to watch the sunset just because he wanted to know who his girlfriends best friend is. I mean come on!) and am not really on Preachers Boys team especially because he's married and now a manager at our store. She seemed taken a back by this. And then asked what my sudden change in attitude was all about.
I told her that I enjoy being her friend and hanging out with her but that I can't continue doing this truly immature and childish cat and mouse game with the boys we like. I can't keep enabling her and myself to dabble in relationships that aren't healthy. It just doesn't seem fair anymore. For either of us. I said all of this yesterday. I wish the honesty of my words relieved me more than terrified me. I just feel like I am growing up and I want more meaningful connections and in order to get them I am going to have to be more truthful with the people around me and to myself.
I am going to try and write more. I really want to be able to look back at this time in my life with a record of all the good and bad in my life. I miss when writing was this calming thing. It was a way for me to express in the real world. And now I have all this real world stuff happening and I can't seem to find the words to describe what it all feels and looks like. But I will do my best.
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