Good Grief

So a few months ago Sean decided he wanted to join the Air force and despite my selfish reservations (well, how will that include me) I could understand his desire to move on from life at the bookstore.

Cause if i can be brutally honest the book selling business isn't going well. I literally overheard my manager talking to someone on the phone about how poorly our store is doing and that drastic measures would have to be taken if we were going to stay in business. This is a terrifying thing to hear your store manager say. I mean even though I have a second job and another form of income the bookstore has been my life for the past four years and the thought of it closing scares the shit of out me.

I haven't really been looking for a full time position since I got this job at the law school. I'll admit I've been skating on the comfort zone of two part time jobs. But the reality is the eventually I'll have to make actual money. I want my own apartment and a car and a cat named Jack. I can't afford any of those things on the income I make.

And lately Sean has been on this same 'i need to be doing something with my life' boat. Except unlike like my approach (looking for a better job) the boy wants to join the Military though he has never had any interest in it. When I met him four years ago he wanted to be a fireman. Soon after he wanted to work for his dad's company. Then he wanted to be a Police Officer. When all of these did not work out for some reason or another he settled on joining the Air Force because when he was a kid he wanted to be a pilot and the Air Force could make that happen quickly.

I have not been entirely supportive of this plan because of a million and one reason and last week when he told me he had been disqualified as a candidate for the Air Force because of his medical history (kidney stones).... I was relieved. I'm not going to lie, I was relieved. It's hard enough having the relationship I have with him with his girlfriend still in the picture. I feel like I'm competing in a race I am never going to win because the course of the race keep changing or worse the finish line keeps moving and I lack any idea where i am headed.

And if it weren't for all these stupid mixed messages I would literally stop being so consumed by him. But I can't help but feel confused by this boy based on the last couple of months. I mean he asked me to move in with him. He is always making an excuse to spend time with me. I spent the night at his house. He is always at mine.. He is the most affectionate and distant boy. And it is hard having all the particles of this boy. It's almost unbearable having him as a part time boy with none of the benefits (none. of. the. benefits) and I really really really want to reap the benefits.

So the thought of him going away for 5 or 10 years to join the military is frightening because I don't have a hold on him now. He is just this guy within my reach who keeps pulling away while I continue to hang on to the idea of him and us. I thought once the Air Force thing didn't work out he would drop the whole military thing. I thought maybe he would decide to just apply to things locally. But today I stopped by the store to finalize plans with him on Thursday. We were planning on going to his house to watch a movie before meeting up with people from work. He tells me though we may not be able to head to his house because he is going in for his physical on Thursday to join the Navy.

When they fuck did he decide to join the Navy?

His recruiter called him just before I showed up and told him that he'd have to go to Brooklyn all day Thursday for this physical and that if he passes he will be accepted to the Navy and sent off to boot camp in October (or even as early as July). He assured me that he will still be able to attend the late night showing of Star Trek but that he will have to pick me up later than he expected.

I got the sense that he wanted me to be happy about this Navy thing. He keep looking for a reaction on my face that read excitement. Instead I couldn't hide my apprehension. I don't know why this boy can't tell how much I honestly care about him because he doesn't get it. He has absolutely no clue. And now here is he planning on going away for how ever many years to live on a boat. A boat.

This has suddenly depressed the shit out of me. I hate that when i'm with him I feel like I am trying to prove that I am good enough. Because if I were good enough  maybe he'd take a chance on me and leave his girlfriend just so we can try things out the right way. And i'm also not enough for him to stay and get a civilian job so he can be close to...me.