Writiing at Last!!!

So apparently i write best when i think about my horrible financial state. Which is basically being a normal college student who worries about how to pay for school.

I think when i remember that there are other people out there who have issues paying for school, i don't get to freaked out. But it still sucks real bad.

Whatever the cause, maybe my stressed behavior, has led to a much needed relief from my writers block, and i am finally writing at last. It's been an exciting day, knowing what i am going to write, thinking about the scenes later on that i want to put into my work.

I t's amazing, a little maniac and rushed because i have all these ideas, good, bad, useable, filler, that is literally being thrown at me. I went out and bought the Sigur Ros album Takk... to help me out with the process, and the songs shall guide me as i write. It's great. At the moment my mind is on cloud nine, it feels clear to write because it is focused, which was albeit brought on by stress but whatever works.

I think the script and concept is ...pretty mature for a novice. I'm not trying to make one of those artsy fartsy movies. I'm just trying to write something that shows what more could come from it. I feel like i needed my first attempt at this thing that could show range and style. i think they are the two most important things. Let me just finish the thing first, and then worry about the rest.

I am going to a wedding on Saturday. My mom's cousin, who would be my...i was never good at those things, is getting married. I think his name is Tony. Or something like that. All i know is that he use to make pizza and now he doesn't. I of course am being dragged to it. I have never been to a wedding before. I don't really know what to expect. My mom is more worried about what i am going to wear rather than what she is buying for the husband and wife to be.

No one has faith that i can wear a dress and not look totally uncomfortable in it. Trust me it's hard, but sometimes i want to look girly and frily. Okay not frily, but girly wouldn't be bad sometime. So i have my outfit picked out and i think i looked pretty awesome in it. But no one should fault me if i make the uncomfortable face look. I have pictures when i was younger where it literally seems i am scratchingg my dress off.

Time to go back and write. I would talk about Movie Day with the Old People, but there was no movie day. After arriving to a small room with some chairs and an old tv, i entertained a room of...well no one. I was in there for like 30 minutes while dozens of old people rolled by me. I smiled, sat, bit my nails, and then got bored, packed up and left.

Apparently they don't really watch movies on saturday. They would rather talk with friends or look out windows. I can't really blame them, i figure at that age i'd rather hang out with my friends also and talk about the good old days. They are use to routines and i am not offended that on a lazy saturday afternoon they like to stick with them.

I have a lot more writing to do and should get back to that. I ordered Happy Accidents Tuesday and was happy to see it in the mailbox yesterday. My own copy to watch over and over again.


Yeah.

Happy Accidents

I had the immense pleasure of seeing Happy Accidents this week. It was literally an accident that I even watched the movie. Channel surfing at it's best I noticed a very skinny looking Vincent D'onofrio, who I love love, and Marisa Tomei, who I also love. And so began my love affair with this very strange love story.

Think Terminator but without the actual terminator. That movie is one of my favorites,because of the love story, not so much about the whole future thing. He traveled all those years because he was in love with Sarah Connor. How romantic-ish.

Well that's kind of what this movie is about, except more quirky and funny, then action/sci-fi and naked Arnold.

Ruby(tomei) starts a relationship with Sam(D'onofrio) who is not like most men she has dated. He's afraid of little dogs, listens to weird music, and seems to be amazed by those small things in life that we take for granted. The smell of flowers, how fresh the air is, the sounds of things he has never heard.

But she's neurotic because of past relationships, and well he's from "IOWA" or so that is what he tells her. To make a long and interesting story short, after a few inconsistency in his story, and a name and drawing of some women in his notebook, Ruby becomes suspicious of who Sam really is, and when she asks him what she wasn't expecting was for him to tell her he is from...The future...The distant future, and that he has returned to love the woman(her) whose face from a photograph saved his life.

Romantic.

The movie is so bizarre that I was completely in love with it.My favorite part was when she suggest that he see her therapist when he keeps going on and on about being from the future. So he goes and then later on they have this huge argument because he says something like "I don't think I am the one who needs to see a therapist." Marisa Tomei is amazing as she says "What..the...fuck...did....you...just...say...to...me". It was hilarious, and now I have to say that in any argument that I get it in. Classic.

By the end of it your like is he from the future or f-cking crazy, I didn't even care I was so engrossed by the whole thing, and in love with Vincent's character I was like I'd date him even with the semi-craziness. The ending is really good, but because I am not a spoiler whore(though I wish I could be) I'll save it, just in case anyone rents it or something.

Unfortunately this wasn't meant to be a movie post, I save that for the professionals, I am clearly an amateur at this, but while I was watching the delightful movie I was like "wouldn't that be the perfect love story, why can't my nonexistent soulmate(which I still am kind wishy washy on) be from the future."

Damn the life of a dreamer.

The life of a dreamer can be very frustrating, and in all respect a great let down.

To say I live in my dreams would be the understatement of the year. I rest in them, I live for them, I roll all up in them, and am sometimes very hesitant to take a step back from them. I like to believe in the "what if's" of life, because having sole faith in reality of it can be a bummer.

I feel like I hold back on so many things in life not only because of fear, but because I am expecting something more. I'm expecting those quirky, is this possible things, heart fluttering, not so ordinary moments. Sure not as bizarre(though very interesting) as a time traveler, but something that reminds me of my own belief that yeah life and people can be very commonplace, but there has got to be so unique and refreshing that makes it wonderful. There just has to be. Right?

I feel the life of a dreamer isn't truly complete or fufilling unless we have those moments that holds that belief up. Unless we have those moments that every so often remind us of the beauty, mystery, complexity, spontaneity of life and the people who inhabit it.

I hope those are the moments that fill my life, even if it isn't exactly a time traveler who resembles Vincent D'onofrio. We can dream can't we.

School starts in a couple of weeks, and I am very nervous. Mike wants to know what classes I am taking so he can take one with me, minus all the bad talking I do about him, I'd rather have him in a class with me than anyone else at this time.

My nerves have made it very difficult to sleep, which I am use to, but wish wouldn't occur. I want this year to be a good one.

Tomorrow is movie day with the senior citizens and I'm not looking forward to it, because I am not sure if they will like the movie. They are very hard to please and am expecting someone to say "instead of watching it, can you just summarize it" I might just die. My mom agrees with kbryna that I should play Pirates of the Caribbean. Might be more interesting then Somethings Gotta Give. Who knows.

What I am excited about are; the new leggings I bought because they are amazing. and shamelessly the impending Flavor of Love 2 premiere and Sissy Spacek's singer daughter, Schuyler Fisk , who I remember being the very odd looking member of the Babysitters Club. But her voice is very pretty, and Hello is my new favorite song.

These Walls

Well today was my "reading day" for the senior citizens. Argh!

It wasn't that bad really. It was literally like leading the reading circle when I was in elementary school.

The senior citizens crept in one by one and listened to me read on and on the novel I had chosen. While reading it, I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it, I kind of wished I had just read them so romance novel instead.

There were 10 people and after about 30 minutes there were about 6. My voice was killing me by the end of it, and I thought I was going to die from thirst. At the beginning of the book, the older lady suggested I just summarize the story. Maybe she didn't notice that it was about two hundred pages, or more importantly that I had never read the book. I just stared at her blankly and went back to reading the book.

I don't know if they liked it or not, but for the movie choice I have decided to go in a whole new direction. Why be safe with romantic comedies, the more intriguing the better. I see nothing wrong with cursing, fornication, and maybe a car chase or two.A

After my horrible time on Friday with Marie have been...Avoiding her calls. Yes I know avoidant at it's best, but...With her boyfriend she has changed so much, and in an unflattering way.

While watching Lady in the Water with Marie, I guess I noticed the real separation these last two years have really put before us. I recently noticed that it has been a whole year since I started this blog. I had planned to try and sum up the experience in words, but then I forgot and yadda yadda yadda.

Me and Marie talk about the same thing over and over again. She talks about her boyfriend, how much better her school is, her boyfriend, school, drunk friends, boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend, grades, boyfriend. I was pretty frustrated by the end of the night. Noticing that what I thought I wanted( I guess what Marie has now, friends, boyfriend, school) would not actually be what I wanted.

I mean sure I want those things, who doesn't, but I guess I'm noticing that I don't want them as she does. And being made to feel bad about those things from Marie aren't exactly what I call a fun night. Or life for that matter of fact.I don't think she does it on purpose, but it is kind of belittling.

She talks about her high grades and the fact that she can graduate early, she then talks about her boyfriend, then she talks about how her school is ranked higher this year than my school, and how the pre-medical program sucks at my school... Seeing that I don't like either of the schools we attend, I just nod my head and think about something pretty.

She has always done that though. She is really driven and competitive to a fault. I can admire her need to succeed, but I can almost be drowned in it, as I was in highschool. I always felt like the sidekick next to her, like she was secretly competing to be better than me in every aspect of our friendship. And I allowed myself to play second fiddle, because I assumed naturally she was just better at things then I was.

Comparing our lives on the surface she could appear to have everything that I wanted. A boyfriend, great grades, a set of friends to hang out with, and a job that doesn't involved food. But listening to here literally brag about those things, makes me realize how little importance they hold in my life at this present moment.

Sure I would love to have a great set of friends, but no those whose fun is getting drunk because they are too bored to do anything else.

Sure I want a boyfriend, but not one who works, lives, and follows me around like a puppy dog.

Sure I want great grades, but I don't want to kill myself over them. I clearly need a fine balance.

And who doesn't want a wicked cool job.

But I don't feel that I should be put down by her because my wants, I have finally figured out, aren't here's. My definition of happiness is not defined by what I can outwardly show to others, it's something deep down that maybe others won't see at first, but hopefully can see through my own happiness.

Some how i feel stronger writinng that down, like maybe i am slowly declaring my independence from playing second fiddle, and i feel a little clarity in becoming my own individual amongst the group of people in my life who seem to make that very hard.

I wish I could explain that to her, that for our friendship to remain strong she has to stop putting down the decisions I make for my life. I guess that is what unconditional respect and love means to me. That whatever I do, as long as I feel like it is the step I want to take in life should not be belittled.

Sometimes I'm not sure of my decisions, but I am certain of what I want from the friends I go to in crisis. It's understanding and a clarity that will help me find my way through the fog.

And I get lost in the fog often.

Time to write and sleep.

In other unrelated news...

I'm so embarrassed that I have a crush on Teddy Geiger. If he was only 2 years older. But at this rate I am willing to let my "don't date younger guys" rule go for this talented hottie.

Oh Teddy.

M.Night

So I just got back from seeing lady in the water with Marie. I must say that ever since she got a boyfriend she has been...

I don't know how to put it. It's like she has warped into the opposite of what we hated in high school. We hated the couples who together would be a drag to be around. They annoyed us with their hand holding, and holding on to that youthful "when we have kids" crap. But with her she seems to be utterly dull without him.

I guess he was at work and called to she what she was doing. She of course told him that in 30 minutes we would be sitting in a theater watching a movie. He couldn't decide if he wanted to go. The girl they use to hang out with wanted to go, but she still had about an hour left of work to do. He for some reason wanted her to go along and suggested we go to the 9 o'clock showing instead so they could meet us.

He then called back 15minutes later to say that he had changed his mind and didn't want to go and would just hang out at his place. Whatever, boys can be annoying sometimes, especially when they are someone else's boyfriend(he said that together we were men bashers. Aren't men bashers feminists. And I don't like being label a hardcore feminist. some of them are scary. He's now on my "you kind of annoy me list").

After that she seemed kind of disconnected. "Well if he doesn't want to come I guess we'll just continue having a fun time." But without him, Marie failed to bring on the fun. She brought on the bored.

Anyway about M. Night. So Lady in the Water wasn't my favorite movie. It was kind of dragging on and on, and the people next to us were annoying, I hate when the audience laughs at parts that are not funny. It's annoying. A pet peeve of mine; when you laugh just to laugh.

But M.Night has a way of storytelling. That even when you have given up on the movie and or the plot, he surprises you with the slight beauty of it all. Whatever it is. I mean I can list all the bad things about the movie. But the feeling that he evokes trumps it all. It's that feeling of seeing the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, figuring out a hard problem, figuring out what this life is all about, that moment when you feel like you can't breathe because it is caught in your lungs, but you don't care cause you couldn't explain what you wanted to say eloquently enough.

Because even though I walked out feeling like he should have given me more, I felt like what I had received was greater. I think he is a genius storyteller, a little pompous and blatantly confusing(he basically stars in the damn thing) but his vision, his ability to take what is from his heart to film is something I fail miserably at. I fail at expressing what I feel in my heart to others who I desperately want to reach out to. And the whole time I'm watching this bizarre movie it was the only thing I could think of. His movie was about people"s roles in life and figuring it out through the haze.

It was the most amazing part of the whole movie, for people to start figuring out their roles and becoming so finely accustomed to it.

And though the movie is not for everyone, and though it dragged on to no end, and though I almost smacked the lady next to me...He made me want to believe in all the things we are told not to believe in anymore.

I want to believe in fairy tales and bedtime stories, and that somewhere out there we really do have our own place and purpose. Because surprisingly(and I don't think it is a spoiler at all) it is those small characters in life who contribute to the big scheme of it. Whose small roles are actually the big ones in life

They are literally the basis of most of the stuff I write or wish to write in the future.

He makes me want to be a better writer and a believer in the importance in storytelling.

Oh and Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard are amazing.

You have been approved!!

Ever since I turned 18, credit card people have been sending me packets of mail about getting a credit card. They make it sound grand, free money! Now! You an get 2000! With a signature and a return address. Just check here and the sky will open up and rain money!

Unfortunately...What they do not happen to tell you during the mail advertisement is that credit cards are tempting, even for the best of us self controlled people. Though I don't fear being tempted, because lets be honest I'm pretty cheap even with money that isn't mine, I hate being forced to do something, or yet be told that it is the better good that I do something. Though I know credit cards probably will help with my nonexistent credit, my mom literally made me sign the damn paper.

And I don't need to get into how horrible my mom is in the financial aspect. But if I must...

It's not even that she is bad with money, because she is. It's not even that she tried to play "what happens if something happens to your father" card, because she did. It's not even that in that aspect of life she is pretty untrustworthy, because she is (we once had a trust fund for college....) But it's just that in every instance of my well being since I have graduated from college, she has been utterly WRONG. I mean wrong people. So wrong that I have suffered, mainly because I listen to her. I don't trust my own gut, so I listen to her and have failed miserably inturn. MISERABLY.

It was I who wanted her to go to the parent/student freshman orientation, it was she who decided against it. Three days later, I'm driving back cursing silently at her while eating a whopper.

It was her who had advised me to continue taking chemistry when I was sure that I couldn't pull my grade up. FAILED MISERABLY.

It was her who said coming back home would mean she would pay for all my tuition. 10grand later and she praising the loan people(who I have to pay back) for paying for my school(though she still tells people she is paying solely for it).

If me and my mother share anything in this world, it is our inability to trust our own gut. I want so badly for my finances, which is no finances at the present moment, to be solely in my hands. I feel like I have the best interest for myself, and kind of know what I a doing, and what I have to do to become independent. But I can't help but feel like this, along with numerous other things, are the thread that I need to cut so I don't get tangled up in so much of my families dependence on me. To succeed, to be happy, to get things going.

In other totally unrelated news I am volunteering as an activities coordinator at an old people's home. Did I mention that old people kind of freak me out. I hate being in the house all day, my brother has taking the car because he has a job and then stays out most of the night. My mom is at work and then to tired to do anything, and my intense ADD has made it very hard to write down a scene from my head onto paper. Blah

So the next best thing was to volunteer from something. I wanted to volunteer for the hospital, but the evil lady at the desk has made that very difficult in the past, and I would like to bypass her as much as possible. So I figured I could volunteer at AnMed to only find out I still have to go to the evil lady to apply. So the next best thing was...OLD PEOPLE?

She wants me to read for them and show them movies. I didn't mention that I only know contemporary books and my collection of movies involves Pirates, Zombies, and a certain Mr. Bean. If anyone has any suggestion, please let me know, or they will be listening to me for an hour read about a Priest in love with a possessed women(seriously) and end up watching Tales from the Crypt season 2.

I'm ashamed that I just type in "OLD PEOPLE" in the Amazon search menu. I have no clue what I'm doing. It didn't help when she said "the last young lady who was suppose to read for them didn't show up. They were so upset." I couldn't live with myself if I let down old people. SHAME.

She recommended Romance Novels, Nicholas Sparks(who I loathe) was a name she brought up often and then showed me a Bridges of Madison County(????) novel she had in her office.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

I get it, there at that age near the BIG ONE. But, do we have to kill them early with a Nicholas Sparks book, or movie.

recommendations please.

Dreamscapes

Damn you Stephen King for giving me nightmares the other night.

It wasn't really a nightmare, but the emotion that arose in the dream that frightened me the most.

Anger.

I absolutely hate when people get angry. And I can honestly say I have never verbalized being angry, mainly because i don't allow that emotion to get that fired up. I mean I can write my anger and frustrations down and then be down with them. But other than that I can't remember a time when I've ever expressed it. My anger is usually getting real quiet, doing the whole silent treatment bull. I know it's kind of childish but I'd rather not say something I could never take back and then have to live with that for the rest of my life.

So anyway back to dream. I had just finished watching Stephen Kings Dreamscape and was kind of confused by the last story Crouch End, very bizarre tale. Something about the place where two universe's meet. I don't know. It was late. I was sleepy. Of course that is what I dreamed of later that night. Where I was stuck in this alternate universe and was struggling to find my way out. Apparently my alternate universe was some weird So you think you can dance bizzaro stage world(No lie). I manage to find my way out after encountering a very sexy salsa dancer, who whispered in my ear. Which is the sexiest thing ever I must say. How do I know it's the sexiest thing ever...

go back a few months when I was in NYC. All of us had decided to go to the wax museum. In the wax museum there is a haunted house walkthrough thing( as if staring at creepy wax figure isn't scary enough.) So my cousin is literally dragging me through this thing, so fast that nothing can pop out at us. As we were exiting the room, there must have been someone hiding behind the curtain, and instead of jumping out and yelling, he breathe on my neck, almost grazing it. In an instant I turned into Paris Hilton and was like "why that's hot". Now my cousin is still dragging me out, as I'm trying to get a glance back at my neck breather. Of course when I turned back the man of my dreams was dressed in a Jason outfit and made a slow, creepy exit off stage left.

Needless to say creepy Jason dude neck breather was a hot moment. Anyway back to the dream. So after I find my way back from other place, I return home to wait for the cableman. When he comes he fixes our cable and then charges me 100 hundred dollars. For some dream me, becomes irate. I am screaming that he didn't tell me before hand that he would charge me money, and that if I would have known I would have called and cancelled someone coming over. This all blows way out of proportion, I tell him to call his supervisor and have her come to the house. She gets the worse of "dream me" anger, and I am shouting uncontrollably at her. I don't let her leave until she explains what she is going to do to fix this situation. I can explain this emotion simply as pure rage. It freaked me out when I woke up.

Anger is not an emotion that I freely express. Sure I get "angry" if you can even call it that. But my anger quickly turns into self pitying sadness. I think anger is such a strange emotion, because I feel it is one of those feelings that is the driving force for many others. Envy, Jealousy, Hate are all the result of anger, and I can't help but feel like a little part of me holds anger towards the things that have made me sad. Because anger leads to resentment(and vice versa) and I don't want to be resentful of things. I hope that whatever "anger" I have towards the things and people who have figuratively beat me down since I moved here will not continue to influence the way I wish to led my life, I'm hoping to emerge from it without bitter or angry.

Or maybe my dream wasn't about that at all, maybe it was just about hot salsa neck breather. ???

Marie's boyfriend is going to turn 20 in like 2 weeks. So...She bought him a Dog.

I feel like they are going to turn into that couple who starts looking alike. I hate to even ask her to do anything because they have become the "we" couple.

Example

me: hey do you want to go see Lady in the Water next weekend

Marie: Yeah next week I am off week, we would love to come.

WTF. And to me buying your boyfriend/girlfriend a pet is a huge move. They already work together, live pretty much to together(his apartment is right next to hers), spend every waking moment together, and now they have a dog. Named Albi.

If they start dressing alike I have to intervene. It's getting a little freaky. It's getting like "we are married" freaky and they aren't.

Or at least i don't think they are.

Unpacking is Done

Very tired. Very bruised up.

More tomorrow when i recover.

Beckett.

Hot Librarian

I'm officially done moving. The moving guys came today and moved the rest of our stuff. Things that no man could carry without moving tools. Since I've gotten home from summer school all I have been doing is moving, and am now happy that lounging is in my near future.

My brother has a way with people, and after they were done moving they seemed to linger to find out more about us. I had to meet them at the old place early in the morning, and they kept asking me where I was from yadda yadda yadda. The larger of the two kept calling me "sweetie" and the skinny one thought my name was Sara. Perhaps I look like a Sara. I was wearing my Led Zeppelin shirt, and apparently something about a girl wearing a rock t-shirts gets people intrigued. It was clearly the only clean shirt I could find at 6:30am.

When they arrived at the new place, Morgan had just woken up and came downstairs to do...Nothing. The skinny one with the tats wanted to know where I was going to school and what my major is. I must say I hate telling people that I am a biology major. Eyes get huge, and then they always say "don't get caught up with wanting a boyfriend, that can only lead to trouble". ??? Can it lead to trouble? What is this trouble people are speaking of? This isn't the first time I have hear this. Maybe I have a "she'll get to attached and divert from her studies" written on my forehead. I don't know.

I know that people are complex individuals. I know that everyone has different needs and wants. but I figure that if you share the same basic need of companionship then where does the trouble lie. In the 9th grade my stupid Life teacher made us do a speech on soulmates. He is deemed the "life' teacher because our high school made every freshman take this stupid "how to succeed in life" course. No lie. It was a whole class on how to not sweat the small stuff. Trying to discover who we were. I got an A in the class, but maybe not in life.

It was actually a pretty fun class. That's how I learned I was an INFP, and we had to give reports on career choices, we watched a bunch of videos and role played. At the end of the semester we had to give speeches on a topic the class chose. Of course having a class full of 9th graders the majority of the them wanted to give speeches on soulmates. BLAH. It wasn't even that I hadn't ever thought of soulmates, cause I had, but I don't assume that soulmates are just one individual who you fall madly deeply in love with, it's just people(male or female) who have a strong connection. And I also don't like talking about stuff like what I look for in a guy to a bunch of my classmates. Nevertheless, I had prepared a 7 minute speech on what I wanted in a soulmate. Oh...along with giving a speech in front of 30 people in my class, we had to give the speech also in front of My Ex-Speech's teacher class. 20 or so debate students who wanted nothing more than to rip us a new one.

So what did I say in my speech? Why I don't see the "trouble" in relationships, that maybe I am to naive to admit...Oh...before I get to that. The previous speeches were pretty weird. One girl Miranda, pranced around the stage with a completely memorized speech that she unfortunately kept forgetting. One girl Tara, who was really cool, freaked us all out by saying she wanted a man just like her grandfather, so she went through a list of attributes that her grandfather had. WEIRD.

I don't remember all that I wrote and what I said...but I remembered mainly saying that I wanted someone to make me feel like I was always at home. That no matter where we were, the comfort of that person would never make me feel lost, alone, scared, or vulnerable. I guess in a sense looking back now the "soulmate" would be the person who provided me with the security I have been looking for.

But relationships and people are weird and fickle. And I don't know if I believe that anymore. Maybe the trouble with relationship lay in believing all of that. Cause what I have observed is very different from the ideal of it. And honestly at 20 I don't see the comfort of that being presented to me. And I don't even know if I would be ready for it. I can't even get a drivers License for goodness sakes yet alone am I ready to even consider(though I can think about frequently) the complexity that are people.

I feel like this is the first day of my summer vacay. With school and moving I have not had the time to actually do things. I don't even know what I want to do, I just know it involves not being trapped in this house for a solid month. So far I have gone to the library and checked out 6 books I hope to finish. None are romance books, though I was tempted. The whole romance genre is bizarre and lets not forget the childish giggling with those totally unrealistic sexual encounters. But sometimes I just want to read trash. Wind dancer is the only "romance" book I genuinely consider a decent piece of literature.

Not having a license though has not stopped me from driving around, and doing usual me things. My mom is trying to convince me to get a job, I would rather volunteer, because I don't think the free clinic pays me. I already applied to work in the library for the fall semester. It's the only job I want and I'd hope to rock the hot librarian look when school starts up again.

In other unrelated news I can't wait to see Strangers With Candy and Clerks 2

I've landed

My dad had a heartattack.

No F-cking lie.

I hadn't been able to get in touch with my dad since january. Our daily talks stopped and i felt...alone. It sucks not knowing how someone is doing. If they are even alive. Since my grandmother died i have realized the unexpectedness of death, and have silently been bracing for bad news when he stopped calling.

So friday i get a call from my Uncle, my dad's brother, who tells me that my dad has a cell number he wants me to call. Because of the whole moving thing, i didn't call until Tuesday. That is when he told me that he had a heartattack in April. He said he didn't want to worry me(once again something i am hearing often, that i am a worrywart and thats why my family hides things from me). He's taking six pills a day though he assure me that nothing like a heart attack is going to take him out.

Still his reassurances were not comforting. I want to move back so bad. I want to be close to everything that made me happy as kid. I was always that girl who wanted to get out of her home town. I wanted to go to the University of Michigan and be done with Westchester. But i want to go back. i have to go back.

I use to get these feelings like "if i do this, i will be happy". Usually it was like "if i get these shoes i will have the confidence to go out more and meet people and become how i want to be." "if i become friends with him or her i will finally get what i want." i have since learned and am still learning that that isn't the case.

But when i go back to Westchester and walk the same street i walked as a child. Or visit a familar face, i know that is the feeling i want to feel forever. It is of this completeness and sureity of myself. It's that damn feeling of possibility. Of falling in love with things again. Of life again. I don't want to settle on what i have now. Which is nothing.

And hearing about my dad is more incentive than ever to plot my way back home.

We are still moving, which is sucking big time. My brother is being an ass, as usual, and i've have pulled many muscles. Not enough muscles though to take advantage of a new feature on my camera. A lot of jumping invloved.

Saw the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean. Marie asked me to go with her and her man, and i wanted to escape the chaos of the house. Johnny Depp is Amazing, Keira Knightly is enchanting(even if she is a tad bit skinny) and Orlando Bloom stole my heart, and now i must marry him. And then we will move to Westchester and live happily ever after. or something like that.

No more procrastination, must get dressed for round 50 of moving.

Today's the Day

I think I may just give up....

I honestly don't think there could have been a girl who worked harder to take summer classes then me. I found out the school I wanted to take the classes at started two weeks before I could make it. Then I have less than three weeks to scramble and send all my information to the Plan B school, then I worry about getting approved for the loan I applied for. Then I find out that I don't have a place to live. I come home, my mom gets the place, but then I start to come to this big realization that this isn't really my home, my home doesn't exist at this place anymore. I soon get over that and feel inspired to declare my independence. I have to move on.

Moving has actually been fun, well not in the fun way of hauling all our stuff box by box to our new place, but because I am getting rid of all the things I feel have weighed me down the last 6 years. It' s...Liberating. I found my yearbook from the 5th grade. Found is a stretch though, it's more like " I looked at the 5th grade journal I put in a box a year ago so I wouldn't continue thinking about the past". Told you it was a stretch.

The new place is larger than where we live now, but doesn't have much storage which means my mother had to rent out a storage place. Most of my stuff ironically is going into storage, as bulks of my brothers stuff is sitting in his nice new room. So yesterday as I was going through it I realized that this was probably the last time I would see it in a while. It was a pleasant goodbye. By the power of Myspace, I was able to search for names, and either be slightly surprised, repulsed, or content with with how everyone seemed to turn out. The faces seemed so strange to me, their new lives seemed so foreign, and I guess it was because I realized the people I imagine them being are the same smiling and sometimes frowning 5th graders I remember them as. I realized they were as distant a memory to me, as I am to them. And I found solace in that.

In found solace in seeing: the kid named Omar who everyone made fun of, was this beautiful young man who is very proud to be bisexual, more power to you.

Or that my old friend Ben who was a model, has ditched that career to be a regulars guy guy, with muscle cars and gelled hair.

A kid name Mark, who I assumed would be the "sports guy" was actually more of an art guy, who apparently loves his girlfriend and his boat.

Matthew who loved the song "Building a Mystery", was very smart, and how he would draw in class all the time. He was shy, and dorky, and wanted me to work on the science project with him. He is now this suave, artist, who does not mind dressing up...in drag...Apparently

A girl named Jade who was this strange girl who has anxiety attacks before test, and who is now this sorority girl with a love for bob marley.

It was bizarre and strange. I felt like a voyeur a little, but was happy that it was a way of saying goodbye. To that "thing" I was holding on to. That thing that has left me stunted. Of course the three people I really wanted to see weren't on Myspace. And I guess it's because saying goodbye to them or the dream of them was harder than just having some images of words. I'm saying goodbye to.

My best friend Ahesha, who was born in Barbados and came to the states when she was young. She was loud and gossipy, and brash. But she made me laugh, and she was protective of me, and she was the ying to my yang. We walked home together, spent summers together. We balanced each other out.

And Arthur. Who was kind of that other friend I hung out with on the side, but who Ahesha and Nicholas hated. He made me a Yankees fan, and almost kissed me in the field. he talked like Tim The Tool man Taylor, and had an infectious laugh. He was in the orchestra with us, and was this boyish kid who struggled to hold a bow.

But mainly I'm saying goodbye to Nicholas. Oh...Nicholas. His goodbye is well overdue. He encompassed everything that was great about my youth. His is like the symbol of it. The magic and wonder of being young, and living where I lived. He was comfort as was my home. He was beautiful as was life. He was understanding, thoughtful, energetic, funny. And knowing what I know now, I knew that I wasn't in love with him, I was in love with the idea that he evoke. I was love with what I made him represented. Home. Of Westchester. And it's time to say goodbye.

That was all very liberating yesterday. I was feeling good and everything. AND THEN. I find out that I cannot take summer classes at Plan B school.Seems that the loan I applied for can only be used if I am a full time student at the school. Of course when I talked to the financial lady two weeks ago, she did not specify that. She gave me the go ahead to apply for my own loan. Summer classes start Friday. And there's no way that 1500 is going to fall in my lap. Yeah. Bites the big one. At first I was upset. Who wouldn't be. But I figure this will give me the time to do what I want to do. Write, volunteer, exercise. I know throwing in the towel is bad, but I'm exhausted. I don't think I can take anymore disappointments. My mom was like "well we didn't know, we are learning" and I can't help but be sick of being the test subject. Because it's all at my expense, literally and figuratively.

I'm on a mental vacation. I don't want to think about biology, or school, or worry about money. I want to do what I want to do. I want to be creative and not feel the burden of being apart of this family. I feel like they are waiting for me to succeed in medicine so that they might get out of their own funk. But at this moment I don't want to do anything but my passion. What I really want to do. Which is write.

I've got some packing to do. I have to do something productive so I don't feel down in the dumps.

Moving day Fiasco!

We have a home to go to. YEAH!!!

And most of time since returning on Thursday has been spent organizing this move. And by organizing i mean shouting orders to my brother and trying to get my mom and brother to pay attention to the task before us. i felt like a drill sergent.

My brother, who must i remind you got us in this miss, pranced around yesterday. He would help move boxes into the car, and then disappears for 5-10 minutes. My mom is a pack rat. She will not throw anything away. We have a million books and don't read half of them. She swears she is going to read them someday. Not someday soon. And she wore this stupid looking Martha Stewart garden hat with this ugly flower on it, and would not take the damn thing off. I do not know why this hat bother me. Maybe it was because she kept mentioning the hat. Maybe it was because when we had to stop at the store for cleaning supplies she refused to take the hat off and then wondered why people were staring at her. ????

Day two of packing starts today. Actually it was suppose to start an hour ago but i have no idea where to start. it's a mess in this place, and i'd rather throw it all away than try to find a place for it to go.

Oh...i got a B in chemistry. YEAH.