These Walls

Well today was my "reading day" for the senior citizens. Argh!

It wasn't that bad really. It was literally like leading the reading circle when I was in elementary school.

The senior citizens crept in one by one and listened to me read on and on the novel I had chosen. While reading it, I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it, I kind of wished I had just read them so romance novel instead.

There were 10 people and after about 30 minutes there were about 6. My voice was killing me by the end of it, and I thought I was going to die from thirst. At the beginning of the book, the older lady suggested I just summarize the story. Maybe she didn't notice that it was about two hundred pages, or more importantly that I had never read the book. I just stared at her blankly and went back to reading the book.

I don't know if they liked it or not, but for the movie choice I have decided to go in a whole new direction. Why be safe with romantic comedies, the more intriguing the better. I see nothing wrong with cursing, fornication, and maybe a car chase or two.A

After my horrible time on Friday with Marie have been...Avoiding her calls. Yes I know avoidant at it's best, but...With her boyfriend she has changed so much, and in an unflattering way.

While watching Lady in the Water with Marie, I guess I noticed the real separation these last two years have really put before us. I recently noticed that it has been a whole year since I started this blog. I had planned to try and sum up the experience in words, but then I forgot and yadda yadda yadda.

Me and Marie talk about the same thing over and over again. She talks about her boyfriend, how much better her school is, her boyfriend, school, drunk friends, boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend, grades, boyfriend. I was pretty frustrated by the end of the night. Noticing that what I thought I wanted( I guess what Marie has now, friends, boyfriend, school) would not actually be what I wanted.

I mean sure I want those things, who doesn't, but I guess I'm noticing that I don't want them as she does. And being made to feel bad about those things from Marie aren't exactly what I call a fun night. Or life for that matter of fact.I don't think she does it on purpose, but it is kind of belittling.

She talks about her high grades and the fact that she can graduate early, she then talks about her boyfriend, then she talks about how her school is ranked higher this year than my school, and how the pre-medical program sucks at my school... Seeing that I don't like either of the schools we attend, I just nod my head and think about something pretty.

She has always done that though. She is really driven and competitive to a fault. I can admire her need to succeed, but I can almost be drowned in it, as I was in highschool. I always felt like the sidekick next to her, like she was secretly competing to be better than me in every aspect of our friendship. And I allowed myself to play second fiddle, because I assumed naturally she was just better at things then I was.

Comparing our lives on the surface she could appear to have everything that I wanted. A boyfriend, great grades, a set of friends to hang out with, and a job that doesn't involved food. But listening to here literally brag about those things, makes me realize how little importance they hold in my life at this present moment.

Sure I would love to have a great set of friends, but no those whose fun is getting drunk because they are too bored to do anything else.

Sure I want a boyfriend, but not one who works, lives, and follows me around like a puppy dog.

Sure I want great grades, but I don't want to kill myself over them. I clearly need a fine balance.

And who doesn't want a wicked cool job.

But I don't feel that I should be put down by her because my wants, I have finally figured out, aren't here's. My definition of happiness is not defined by what I can outwardly show to others, it's something deep down that maybe others won't see at first, but hopefully can see through my own happiness.

Some how i feel stronger writinng that down, like maybe i am slowly declaring my independence from playing second fiddle, and i feel a little clarity in becoming my own individual amongst the group of people in my life who seem to make that very hard.

I wish I could explain that to her, that for our friendship to remain strong she has to stop putting down the decisions I make for my life. I guess that is what unconditional respect and love means to me. That whatever I do, as long as I feel like it is the step I want to take in life should not be belittled.

Sometimes I'm not sure of my decisions, but I am certain of what I want from the friends I go to in crisis. It's understanding and a clarity that will help me find my way through the fog.

And I get lost in the fog often.

Time to write and sleep.

In other unrelated news...

I'm so embarrassed that I have a crush on Teddy Geiger. If he was only 2 years older. But at this rate I am willing to let my "don't date younger guys" rule go for this talented hottie.

Oh Teddy.