Le sigh. Prepare to be utterly disgusted.
This weekend was pretty rough. My attraction to Sean has made me a very stupid girl. For some reason despite the fact that he a) has a girlfriend b) is not the guy for me and b) he is a total asshole, I have developed an attachment to him that I cannot shake.
I have this stupid character trait where i feel the need to take care of the people i love, even if i am not getting anything back in return. If i love you, whether from afar or a up close, i am selfless. I have a tendency of putting my needs and desires and expectations aside to ensure your happiness. I'll get hurt even if that means that you don't. This is a trait that i admire and loathe and in the wrong hands it can be downright deplorable.
I am going to get over Sean. This is a fact but i can't say it is going to easy. A couple of weeks he said he was going to join the air force because when he was a kid he wanted to fly planes and in the air force he could do that (despite being terrified of planes). I told him that this was a terrible idea because it feels like a last resort kind of decision. He isn't happy at Le Sad store, he wants more money, and his girlfriend (who continues to break up with him) said she'd consider marrying him if he joined the air force for 10 years. To me these are all reasons why one shouldn't join the service, because not once did he say he wants to serve his country, but the boy is determined to get in if he isn't medically disqualified (kidney stones) first.
The fact that he wants to join has made me feel differently about him. For one, at 26, he will be an active member of the air force until he is 36. 10 years is a long fucking time to be away from family and friends and in my mind I think he has this idea that I will wait for him. He hasn't said this out loud, but when he told me about enlisting his first words were "I'll be able to send you money while I'm away. You can get our apartment and I'll take care of you financially". Um, asaywhat? We aren't married. We aren't even dating. Hell, i can't even get the boy to treat me like a friend. So why say you'd send me money to take care of me? What does your big headed girlfriend think of this?
Secondly, he seemed more adamant about joining once his girlfriend said she'd consider marrying him if he joined. Consider. She has told him several times that she never wants to get married and doesn't want to have kids, which is something she has always been against. Lately they don't seem to like each other that much. He couldn't get in touch with her for a couple of days because she was ignoring him. They break up every other week (literally) and she accidentally sent him a text meant for her friend that said "I'm done with him". So i think this too is a last minute effort for him. If he joins, she said she'll reconsider her stance on their relationship present and future. But when he asked if she'd visit him while he was away, she said not unless her mom could come with her. When he told her he had the option to join for 4 or 10 years she said she'd only consider if he joined for 10. What the hell y'all.
Finally, and this is a combination of point 1 and 2. This boy is not my boyfriend. Sometimes he is not even a friend if i can be honest. His decision to even think about joining the air force is, in my mind, his decision to not to ever be with me. Why, you say? Because i struggle to maintain his attention now and we see each other all the time. I struggle to be something to him when i am constantly being a devoted crush. His girlfriend said they should take a break and see other people and he didn't want to do that. This could have been the perfect time to test the waters with me and even then he couldn't commit. And what makes this so painful is that i continue to like this prick so much.
He wasn't feeling well this week. He threw up 3 times at work and spent the remainder of his shift in the break room. I spent the better part of my night making sure he was comfortable. I got him ginger ale, and saltine crackers, i offered to go to the store to buy him medicine, and when he said he didn't know if he could drive home I damn near offered to let him spend the night at my house (i would have slept downstairs or in my Nicole's room).
He of course loved the attention i was giving him but was not grateful for it. One of my managers walked in while I was pouring him ginger ale and he said "she sure does take care of you doesn't she". Sean shrugged his shoulders and made a noise. When I came in to check on him an hour later he was on the phone attempting to call his girlfriend. He saw me and said "i don't know why i can't get in touch with her. I'm about to go home and i really need to get in touch with her I feel terrible". I walked out the break room in a fury. He didn't even come to see or thank me before he left.
I am not a consideration for this boy. I am never going to be Puerto Rican (which if i was, he'd be attracted to me...motherfucker has said this). I am never going to be skinny enough. Or pretty enough. Or docile enough. I am never going to be a girl who he can parade on his arms. I am me. And with this boy that is not enough (shit i almost just cried. shit. shit. shit). So if he joins the air force and goes far far away this feels like that is what he is telling me. Cause he isn't joining so he can marry me. He isn't joining so we can live comfortably. He isn't joining with our future in mind. But more importantly, he isn't staying for me.
So I've been taking a little break from Sean. I've been trying to go to the movies, read, write a little, and put the focus back on me. And when i am around him, i make the conscious effort to see the real Sean and not the one I've imagined in my head. I'm not going to lie, this is very hard to do especially because I've idealised him. Despite him having a girlfriend and him being a piece of shit and him taking advantage of me ...the idea of him triumphs the bad. I even tend to get jealous when he is super flirty with other girls at work. I know that I have no right to be but I've convinced myself that they way he acts around me is completely different from the way he acts with everyone else. So, in the past, I've been a little unnerved when he is touchy grabby with other people. I can't help but wonder if he also says the same things to them that he says to me and how wasted my affection for him is.
There was one night, two years ago maybe, when he offered to drive me and another co-worker home. I hated this girl, Pam, and did not want her in the car with us. I had seen her and Sean engage in flirty/sexual behavior in the past (she liked to run her hands through his hair, he let her go to his car so she can wear his jacket at work) and I was in no mood to bear witness to this. While we were walking to his car Pam grabs his hand and they start walking side by side. I literally stopped following them and almost burst in to tears. He turned back to me and extended his other hand "come on, join the fun" he said. I looked at them both, told them to have a good night and that I would walk home.
I have gotten better since this outburst, but I've had my moments where I am like "what the hell is this boy doing" and confronted him about how uncomfortable it makes me feel when he acts this way at work. I can't believe that he has no idea that i like him. Sure the boy is a moron, but it is fucking impossible not to see it. And I hate feeling in competition for his attention. When i confront him about it he shrugs, apologizes and says he'll take my feelings in account next time. But he never does. In all honesty it's his girlfriend whose feelings he should be most worried about. The point is the boy can be super inappropriate and while i am irked by this out of jealousy i am also turned off by this because it is not a trait I find flattering. It makes me think that a) no one is ever going to be enough and b) that he is susceptible to cheating (if the girl is aggressive enough to pursue). But once again, this isn't my place so lately when I've seen him interact with our co-workers in a way that is flirty I've called him on it and then shrugged my shoulders.
This weekend though the boy might have taken it too far. A mutual friend of ours has been dating the new cashier at our store. I dislike this girl cause she has the personality of a used car salesman, wants everyone to pay attention to her and wont shut the hell up. My first interaction with her went something like this: Kat and I were standing around customer service talking about a cute actor on a magazine. We are standing shoulder to shoulder so we can gaze and comment. Annoying cashier sees us talking and says "omg! let me see. I love cute boys". She literally wedges herself between Kat and I and starts talking about who knows what. This was her first day. We hadn't even been introduced yet. But because my friend likes and has been dating her I've been trying to be friendly.
Sean thinks annoying cashier is hot because she is from the Bronx, very curvy and of all things Puerto Rican! At first I was very threatened by her because of this. He came up to me once and was like "i think i like her. She's a nice girl. She's Hispanic. I don't see what you find annoying". Sean and her are very playful and talk religiously about how awesome Puerto Rican girls are. He has a tendency to follow after her if she is around and make light dumb conversation. It can be annoying but at the same time the fact that our friend is dating her makes me less jealous.
The other night Sean, I and annoying cashier were closing. Sean and I had a pretty good night talking and playing this dumb game on my ipod. He said that i was the only one he cared about at the store and that I was the only one who made coming to work worth it. Of course these sweet words were shadowed by his interactions with dumb cashier the rest of the night. He spent most of the night throwing shit at her and making comments about her body. At one point she was having a fun argument with someone in cafe and she yelled "don't make me get all Puerto Rican on you" wagging her finger at him. Sean, leering from the corner like a dog in heat said "you can get all puerto rican on me if you want. I'd like that". She laughed and said 'you have one at home for that" to which he replied "but she isn't here now, now is she".
This is the part where you roll your eyes. Scream at your computer screen. Threaten to throw something at me for being stupid and liking this boy. If you haven't already...what the hell are you waiting for. This boy is terrible and i am terrible for liking him and i am in desperate need for a 'come to jesus' talk.
I am surprisingly calm during the interaction. Sure i am crying on the inside, but i am calm. I tell myself that he isn't my boy and that he can act and say what he wants to anyone he likes (though if he had any ounce of respect for me he wouldn't cause he knows it hurts me feelings). He is not my boy. He is friends with the guy dating annoying cashier. And I am not his girl and my feelings are not in consideration. So i take a deep breath and decide to let the comment slide. But then annoying cashier, Sean and I are at customer service and he throws a plush toy at her ass. She turns around quickly and rolls her eyes at him before breaking out into a laugh asking why he did that. He says to see if it would bounce off her ass. At this point I've had enough and I turn to him and say "really Sean! really! you think that was necessary to say and fucking do!" I storm off.
Like a dumb girl i spend the rest of the night mad at Sean for being a douche bag and at annoying cashier for having a bouncy ass but mainly at myself for letting this continue to go on. He offers to drive me home, of course, but on the way out i see him go up to annoying cashier and possibly ask for her phone number (after he told me i wasn't allowed to have his because only his girlfriend needed to have it) He drives me home but I am very silent and seething with various ways to tell him to go fuck himself. When i get upstairs to my room i realize that I can't do this anymore with this boy. I feel ugly and stupid and not good enough when I am around him. I have put 100% effort into liking him and I am never going to be enough even if his enough is shitty.
The next day I come to work for another closing shift and before i can even put my stuff down my friend who is dating annoying cashier tells me we need to talk, its very important. I tell him that we can talk now if he wants. He says it's about Sean and that it's sort of a touchy subject. I say, oh great what has this boy done now. So my friend tells me that annoying cashier went to him the other night and said she is very uncomfortable with how aggressive and flirty Sean has been and that he is very inappropriate around her. She brought up the incident with the plush toy but also told him that Sean has said things to her that creep her out not just the night before but weeks ago. That he has mentioned her breast and butt in various conversations and has been suggestive with his language.
She went to my friend, her boyfriend, two weeks ago about it and said she would see how far Sean took it before she brought it up again but after the plush toy incident she's had enough and feels harassed. For Christ sakes y'all. For Christ sakes. Keeping my composure I ask what he is going to do. Mutual Friend says he doesn't know. He said he is going to say something to Sean before it becomes an issue that is reported to the manager. I tell him that he should definitely say something but that it has to be done in a way that will not be dramatic and that it probably shouldn't be done at work.
In my mind of course I'm like 'really! really! really!" this is the boy i like: a disrespectful, boundary crossing, douche. This is the boy i like: a boy with a girlfriend who religiously flirts with me and then in the same breath is being gross and touchy with his best mates girl. This is the dude I like, really, are you fucking kidding me.
I send Sean a text in the morning (he relented and gave me his digits) that our friend was pissed at him and that it had something to do with what ever happened between him and annoying cashier on Friday. I gave him the heads up as a friend because i didn't want him to be blindsided by the confrontation. Or worse, i didn't want him to get to work and continue being touchy and flirty with annoying cashier if it makes her uncomfortable. I got no response back and of course now feel sort of like an ashat for warning him. Maybe he needs a wake up call. Maybe he needs to be told that he crosses many boundaries and doesn't know when to let up.
Better yet, maybe this whole damn situation is my wake up call. I continue to stick up for this boy, and make excuses for him, and clean up his mess. I continue to pine and say look at me from the bleachers. I continue to want him and be wanted by him because i have never felt wanted by anyone. But i can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. Relationships are suppose to be and feel more fulfilling and i have never felt more empty. Even more than my strong desire to be with him, I want so much more for myself and instead of being worried that I won't ever be a part of his life, it is time that I realize he isn't the right fit for mine. Now or Ever.
Le sigh this shit is tough.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
I'm Addicted
....to Tumblr (what else could i be addicted too!) and I finally remembered how to add a link on Blogger to my other space where pretty pictures and sad words are posted. Check it out. Sometimes pictures express my mood better than words.
Everything is right with the world today.
~Beckett
Monday, January 21, 2013
On Call
Mixed signals will be the death of me. The death of me I tell you.
Sometimes I wish i would have been a little more reckless and experimental in college. Had I had an ounce of confidence, or what i currently describe as 'my lack of not giving a shit what people think of me", I might have dated Mike. Or talked to Art Boy. Or dated casually like normal people do. Instead, I was too anxious to make friends yet alone get to know men (or college dudes at the time).
Unfortunately, this lack of experience has made the last few years....pretty frustrating in the boy department. I continue to have crushes on boys who are unavailable both physically and emotionally. Lets be honest that's probably why i am drawn to them. As someone who is afraid of getting close to people, it's not a shocker that I fall 'in like' with boys who can only give me 15% of themselves because, well, it protects me from being vulnerable and susceptible to liking someone and being open to them.
Not only am I attracted to these unavailable guys, but i feel like this has prevented me from interacting with dudes who could actually fall 'in like' with me and eventually date me. The other night I help these incredibly adorable guy who was looking for a good book in the Self Improvement department. Outside of his horrible taste in literature (really, self improvement) I was quite smitten with him.When we got to the aisle he said I looked like someone who reads a lot. I told him that i do but that i stick to fiction.
"understandable. the real world is pretty frightening, no need to read about it as well".
We both laughed at his quip and then settled into a nice conversation. He asked me if i was a writer. I told him that I use to write, or that i wanted to be a writer, but that i've decided to focus on other things. He asked why. I told him because my head and heart where struggling to create anything these days. He nodded, listened and then said he understood the feeling. He just graduated from school in music composition and that the process of coming up with something can be tiring. He said ideally he wants to score music for movies (sidenote: it has always been my fantasy to marry someone who scores movies. I don't know why. I just imagine my nights with him would be spent listening to something he spent days composing. I don't know. It's weird but whatever). At the sound of "i want to score music for movies" i freaked out and tell him that's awesome. I recommend a few soundtracks that I've been currently listening too and say he should stop back some time to chat.
It was very casual. Very outside of myself but it felt good to have someone's attention for a few minutes. Of course Sean comes walking down the aisle a few minutes later and the first thing i want to tell him is about my interaction with this boy. Because in my mind it will make him jealous and he'll realize that i won't wait for him forever. So i say "omg, i totally just met a nice boy who likes music scores and movies. And he asked me about writing and I think i liked him. Or liked talking to him". Instead of distress or anger or an tinge of jealousy this motherfucker pats me on the back and says "good for you. you really need a boyfriend".
Thanks Sean. Thanks.
I know that I am being a complete and utter idiot when it comes to this boy. My brother, my mom, Heather, Kat, my subconscious mind has tried to warn me of my growing attachment to him. Hell, he has a girlfriend, regardless if they break up every fucking week (seriously. she broke up with him Friday. They made up Saturday) Despite all of this, he never leaves my mind. I am completely and utterly consumed by him. I know that i deserve more, i want more, I know that he can be insensitive and immature and a straight up jackass. But the moment i'm around him i become engulfed by him and my desire to be taken care of by him and to take care of him back.
But he isn't being fair with my feelings. I am being dangled by a possibility that may never happen. He expects me to be on-call and in wait for him to come around, even though he knows this too may never happen. And for a relatively smart chick I feel like a complete asshole for waiting in the background for him to notice me for him to take me into account. I feel like an asshole. And yet....he has ignited some intense feelings and desires that i can't shake. It doesn't help that he keeps giving me very mixed signals that my inexperience has no idea how to interpret.
This weekend I had to go to the Bronx Sean lives in the Bronx and a month ago he told me that anytime I have to go to the Bronx for my various appointments that I could spend the night at his house (as long as I told him in advance). The fact that he lives with his parents already rules me out for ever taking him up on the offer but I entertained the idea of spending the night with him...because i am a girl after all.
I didn't tell him i was going to the Bronx this weekend for various reason but out of nowhere he says "the other night I was thinking i'd really like us to share a bed. It's all i could think about. That i'd be able to keep you warm, if we shared a bed". I, at a loss for words, tell him 'that sounds like a nice plan...one day". Two seconds later he mentions that he took off for Valentine's Day so he could spend it with his girlfriend. I said that was nice, sulked away and cried in a corner.
His mixed feelings is killing me. Not only is it consuming me but it feels like it is tearing me apart. I get a glimpse into what a relationship with him would look like, only for him to shut it down. The closer we get the more i am getting hurt because he hasn't broken up with his girlfriend and hasn't come out and said he likes me. So some days i'm like 'fuck you:",' I'll ignore him and push my thoughts of him outside of my head. I'll demand that i find a boy who will commit to me 100%. I'll tell myself, then convince myself, then cry that i deserve better. I'll listen to my various "over you' playlists and banish him and his nice eyes and toned body into the dreaded friend zone. Because i deserve someone who likes me as much as I like them.
But then things like last night happen and i'm further lost down the rabbit that is me and this boy. Le sigh.
So the other night Sean, this guy named Dustin and I are all standing around customer service doing absolutely nothing. A customer comes up, gives me a very seductive smile and asks where he can take his books to pay for them. Dustin starts laughing and I stammer and tell the customer that he can take them up front. He looks me up and down and says "thank you very much" and then walks away. The first thing Dustin says is 'why the hell did he ask you out of all of us where the register was? That was weird right? I mean I was standing right there at the computer and he ignores all of us and asks you". I shrug and say "i don't know" but then another female co-worker says 'well....Beckett's adorable. that's why he asked her. Wouldn't you?". Dustin shrugs and says "yeah, well maybe" (which is the response i expected from him). So i teasingly said "yep, thats what it is i'm freaking adorable. adorable!".
Sean, who has been standing there says "um, no you're not". I turn my head so quickly and say "what? you don't think i'm adorable". He doesn't say anything. So i, feeling very insecure and say "you don't think i'm adorable. Not even a little bit". He doesn't say anything. I glare at him and then say "well, if i'm not adorable i won't take up anymore of your time. Because i'm not adorable enough for it". Then i storm away. He follows me to the kids department and asks why i'm upset. I let out of the most exasperated groan and tell him that i'm upset that he doesn't think i'm even a little bit adorable or that he had to say it in front of everyone to embarrass me.
He says that is not what he said. I tell him that that is exactly what he said which made me feel like an ugly waste of space.
"whoa. whoa. tell me exactly what i said. I didn't say any of that and you're getting very upset over something stupid"
"you said I wasn't adorable. you said 'um you're not adorable". And I am very adorable, why would you say something like that?"
We stop in the middle of an aisle and I turn to him, who has suddenly become silent and say "tell me the truth. Do you not think i'm adorable at all" (and yes while this seems like a very stupid argument. I cannot have a boy touch me and allude to things like the way he does and then tell everyone that i'm not adorable to him. No)
He looks at me and mumbles "fine you're adorable" and then looks away. I touch his arm and say "no, i'm serious. Tell me. I need you to, like you mean it or like i mean it". When he looks back at me, he looks so nervous and i have a feeling he's just going to walk away. But he doesn't. Instead, he puts down whatever he was holding at the time and turns my body to face him. I ask him what he's doing and he tells me to stand still. So i do. He takes a small step forward eliminating the small space that separated us so that my nose is pressed up against his chest almost, so i back up. He laughs and asks why i backed up. I tell him I don't know, i got scared cause he was standing so close to me. He tells me not to move again and places his hands this time on the sides of my arm. He moves forward again but i back up. He laughs and tells me this isn't going to work if i keep moving away from him. I wiggle the nerves away and say i promise i won't move again. He says 'good, okay, thank you".
He steps forward again and this time i remain completely still. At the last second i tilt my head up a little so that I look up at him. He smiles and presses his lips to my forehead and whispers into my hair "you're adorable. adorable. adorable" moving his lips back and forth. "You're adorable" he says once more before pulling away "happy?".
I'm not sure what happened after that. My legs may have buckled and I leaned into a shelf to catch myself. I mumbled a 'yeah, that was better" and then stumbled away to some dark corner to squeal and breathe.
Dear god someone help me. This boy is killing me. This boy is using me. This boy is wasting my time. And yet, i...i can't get him out of my head. I just can't. He kisses me on the forehead and everything bad flies out the window. Fuck
Sometimes I wish i would have been a little more reckless and experimental in college. Had I had an ounce of confidence, or what i currently describe as 'my lack of not giving a shit what people think of me", I might have dated Mike. Or talked to Art Boy. Or dated casually like normal people do. Instead, I was too anxious to make friends yet alone get to know men (or college dudes at the time).
Unfortunately, this lack of experience has made the last few years....pretty frustrating in the boy department. I continue to have crushes on boys who are unavailable both physically and emotionally. Lets be honest that's probably why i am drawn to them. As someone who is afraid of getting close to people, it's not a shocker that I fall 'in like' with boys who can only give me 15% of themselves because, well, it protects me from being vulnerable and susceptible to liking someone and being open to them.
Not only am I attracted to these unavailable guys, but i feel like this has prevented me from interacting with dudes who could actually fall 'in like' with me and eventually date me. The other night I help these incredibly adorable guy who was looking for a good book in the Self Improvement department. Outside of his horrible taste in literature (really, self improvement) I was quite smitten with him.When we got to the aisle he said I looked like someone who reads a lot. I told him that i do but that i stick to fiction.
"understandable. the real world is pretty frightening, no need to read about it as well".
We both laughed at his quip and then settled into a nice conversation. He asked me if i was a writer. I told him that I use to write, or that i wanted to be a writer, but that i've decided to focus on other things. He asked why. I told him because my head and heart where struggling to create anything these days. He nodded, listened and then said he understood the feeling. He just graduated from school in music composition and that the process of coming up with something can be tiring. He said ideally he wants to score music for movies (sidenote: it has always been my fantasy to marry someone who scores movies. I don't know why. I just imagine my nights with him would be spent listening to something he spent days composing. I don't know. It's weird but whatever). At the sound of "i want to score music for movies" i freaked out and tell him that's awesome. I recommend a few soundtracks that I've been currently listening too and say he should stop back some time to chat.
It was very casual. Very outside of myself but it felt good to have someone's attention for a few minutes. Of course Sean comes walking down the aisle a few minutes later and the first thing i want to tell him is about my interaction with this boy. Because in my mind it will make him jealous and he'll realize that i won't wait for him forever. So i say "omg, i totally just met a nice boy who likes music scores and movies. And he asked me about writing and I think i liked him. Or liked talking to him". Instead of distress or anger or an tinge of jealousy this motherfucker pats me on the back and says "good for you. you really need a boyfriend".
Thanks Sean. Thanks.
I know that I am being a complete and utter idiot when it comes to this boy. My brother, my mom, Heather, Kat, my subconscious mind has tried to warn me of my growing attachment to him. Hell, he has a girlfriend, regardless if they break up every fucking week (seriously. she broke up with him Friday. They made up Saturday) Despite all of this, he never leaves my mind. I am completely and utterly consumed by him. I know that i deserve more, i want more, I know that he can be insensitive and immature and a straight up jackass. But the moment i'm around him i become engulfed by him and my desire to be taken care of by him and to take care of him back.
But he isn't being fair with my feelings. I am being dangled by a possibility that may never happen. He expects me to be on-call and in wait for him to come around, even though he knows this too may never happen. And for a relatively smart chick I feel like a complete asshole for waiting in the background for him to notice me for him to take me into account. I feel like an asshole. And yet....he has ignited some intense feelings and desires that i can't shake. It doesn't help that he keeps giving me very mixed signals that my inexperience has no idea how to interpret.
This weekend I had to go to the Bronx Sean lives in the Bronx and a month ago he told me that anytime I have to go to the Bronx for my various appointments that I could spend the night at his house (as long as I told him in advance). The fact that he lives with his parents already rules me out for ever taking him up on the offer but I entertained the idea of spending the night with him...because i am a girl after all.
I didn't tell him i was going to the Bronx this weekend for various reason but out of nowhere he says "the other night I was thinking i'd really like us to share a bed. It's all i could think about. That i'd be able to keep you warm, if we shared a bed". I, at a loss for words, tell him 'that sounds like a nice plan...one day". Two seconds later he mentions that he took off for Valentine's Day so he could spend it with his girlfriend. I said that was nice, sulked away and cried in a corner.
His mixed feelings is killing me. Not only is it consuming me but it feels like it is tearing me apart. I get a glimpse into what a relationship with him would look like, only for him to shut it down. The closer we get the more i am getting hurt because he hasn't broken up with his girlfriend and hasn't come out and said he likes me. So some days i'm like 'fuck you:",' I'll ignore him and push my thoughts of him outside of my head. I'll demand that i find a boy who will commit to me 100%. I'll tell myself, then convince myself, then cry that i deserve better. I'll listen to my various "over you' playlists and banish him and his nice eyes and toned body into the dreaded friend zone. Because i deserve someone who likes me as much as I like them.
But then things like last night happen and i'm further lost down the rabbit that is me and this boy. Le sigh.
So the other night Sean, this guy named Dustin and I are all standing around customer service doing absolutely nothing. A customer comes up, gives me a very seductive smile and asks where he can take his books to pay for them. Dustin starts laughing and I stammer and tell the customer that he can take them up front. He looks me up and down and says "thank you very much" and then walks away. The first thing Dustin says is 'why the hell did he ask you out of all of us where the register was? That was weird right? I mean I was standing right there at the computer and he ignores all of us and asks you". I shrug and say "i don't know" but then another female co-worker says 'well....Beckett's adorable. that's why he asked her. Wouldn't you?". Dustin shrugs and says "yeah, well maybe" (which is the response i expected from him). So i teasingly said "yep, thats what it is i'm freaking adorable. adorable!".
Sean, who has been standing there says "um, no you're not". I turn my head so quickly and say "what? you don't think i'm adorable". He doesn't say anything. So i, feeling very insecure and say "you don't think i'm adorable. Not even a little bit". He doesn't say anything. I glare at him and then say "well, if i'm not adorable i won't take up anymore of your time. Because i'm not adorable enough for it". Then i storm away. He follows me to the kids department and asks why i'm upset. I let out of the most exasperated groan and tell him that i'm upset that he doesn't think i'm even a little bit adorable or that he had to say it in front of everyone to embarrass me.
He says that is not what he said. I tell him that that is exactly what he said which made me feel like an ugly waste of space.
"whoa. whoa. tell me exactly what i said. I didn't say any of that and you're getting very upset over something stupid"
"you said I wasn't adorable. you said 'um you're not adorable". And I am very adorable, why would you say something like that?"
We stop in the middle of an aisle and I turn to him, who has suddenly become silent and say "tell me the truth. Do you not think i'm adorable at all" (and yes while this seems like a very stupid argument. I cannot have a boy touch me and allude to things like the way he does and then tell everyone that i'm not adorable to him. No)
He looks at me and mumbles "fine you're adorable" and then looks away. I touch his arm and say "no, i'm serious. Tell me. I need you to, like you mean it or like i mean it". When he looks back at me, he looks so nervous and i have a feeling he's just going to walk away. But he doesn't. Instead, he puts down whatever he was holding at the time and turns my body to face him. I ask him what he's doing and he tells me to stand still. So i do. He takes a small step forward eliminating the small space that separated us so that my nose is pressed up against his chest almost, so i back up. He laughs and asks why i backed up. I tell him I don't know, i got scared cause he was standing so close to me. He tells me not to move again and places his hands this time on the sides of my arm. He moves forward again but i back up. He laughs and tells me this isn't going to work if i keep moving away from him. I wiggle the nerves away and say i promise i won't move again. He says 'good, okay, thank you".
He steps forward again and this time i remain completely still. At the last second i tilt my head up a little so that I look up at him. He smiles and presses his lips to my forehead and whispers into my hair "you're adorable. adorable. adorable" moving his lips back and forth. "You're adorable" he says once more before pulling away "happy?".
I'm not sure what happened after that. My legs may have buckled and I leaned into a shelf to catch myself. I mumbled a 'yeah, that was better" and then stumbled away to some dark corner to squeal and breathe.
Dear god someone help me. This boy is killing me. This boy is using me. This boy is wasting my time. And yet, i...i can't get him out of my head. I just can't. He kisses me on the forehead and everything bad flies out the window. Fuck
Thursday, January 17, 2013
I'm going to try and blog as regularly as I can this year. I keep telling myself that I have literally nothing to say and that is why i have been a shitty blogger. I keep telling myself that i do not have enough time in between my two lives, social outings and sleep. I keep telling myself that if this space because on of those blogs that just fades into the blogosphere I would not be upset. But those are all lies.
The perk of working on a small campus is that I, essentially, get paid to sit and make sure the office does not burn down. This summer I got a job working in Document Services (i make copies... a lot of copies) on a awesome law school campus near my house. Before Heather as I had a small falling out last year (around this time i think) she told me she got a job on a college campus that worked out well. 4 hours a day. Higher than minimum wage pay. And weekends off. I was sort of jealous about this because at the time Le Sad Store was cutting hours and I was clocking in maybe, maybe, 8 hours a week. If I was living with my mom or my aunts, these shitty hours would not have been such an issue. But I don't and my mom was helping me pay rent for a very long time.
In April I applied, half-heartily to the same job she was talking about because they were looking for someone to fill the afternoon shift. I sent in the application, totally forgot about it and was shocked when I got a call in August for an interview and was hired on the spot. It was a little awkward at first working with Heather and working out the kinks of our friendship, but here i am, sitting in my very own office with a desk and a computer and a gorgeous view of campus life. I absolutely love it.
For 1) I'm not in the po' house anymore. I mean, I'm nowhere near financially stable but my mom doesn't have to help me pay rent and I can every once in awhile buy myself something that i don't necessarily need but that i want. 2) Time away from Le Sad Store is dope. That place is a black hole. Some of us are there out of comfort. Our friends work there. The job is easy. There are books and music around. But it remains the waiting place. We are all sort of waiting for something big and better to happen and killing time is literally what we are doing. Yesterday we played the Empire Records soundtrack on the book floor and it was very sad and nostalgic because we are sort of there because we don't want to leave this weird stage of life where we don't want to grow up but we can't stay kids forever.
3) For 4 hours a day I have the free time at the university to read and write, listen to music, or watch netflix on my ipod. Sure, I have actual work to do. I have a campus full of students and faculty to produce copies for on a daily basis. But the workload is rarely over 3 jobs, actual work consists of maybe an hour of my shift. For the other 3, I amuse myself with texting Kat, surfing the net, and writing smutty stories in my notebook. In between this I think i can throw in a blog post every once in awhile. Cause i sort of miss blogging regularly.
The other day i went through old posts. I was looking for the entry where I first wrote about Sean (October 6th 2009!) so i can pinpoint when this disaster of a relationship started. I of course continued to read entries from way back, jumping from 2007 to 2010 to last winter when things went to shit, and more than anything what i love about blogging is having a documented proof of events. I like reading about Mike and Art boy. I forgot all about Professor McDreamy who took up a lot of space in my mind. I like reading about what i learned in therapy and seeing how it still applies. I would have never remembered my therapist telling me that when people get close or I begin to feel like I'm opening up I have a tendency to bail out of fear, had i not written about this conversation circa 2008.
So despite whatever issues are going in my life I'd rather be honest and up front with them and write them out so that I can access them later on and see how far I've come. Even if my days and thoughts are mundane, I'm going to make an effort during my four hour lull period to put my thoughts down again. Like today. Absolutely nothing is going on. Heather and I switched shifts so that I could go see Zero Dark Thirty with Kat this afternoon so I am at work very early praying that I get to just sit here for the next two hours.
During the height of our crush mania (she is still madly deeply obsessed with the married young preacher at work, as i am Sean) we use to go to the movies every Tuesday afternoon. Now this partially had to do with us actually wanting to see a movie and trust me we saw a lot of them, but at the time Sean and Preacher boy use to close Tuesdays. So after Kat got out of work, I'd meet her at the store (dressed very cute) and we'd get our interaction time in with these boys (god I'm so embarrassed by this but whatever) before our show played. We made plans last week to see a movie this Tuesday because we haven't hung out in a while but Preacher became a manager a few months ago and he doesn't close Tuesdays anymore. At the last minute she tells me she doesn't want to go to the movies Tuesday because he won't be there and she wanted to dress up for him (even though he ignores her after they had a falling out).
So she suggest that we go Thursday. I ask why. She says because Thursday is better and maybe i could switch with Heather so we don't have to see a late movie and....and oh yeah the Preacher is working Thursday. She bought a new skirt and tight set to wear just for the occasion. Because she has done stupid things for me in the past (driving all the way to PetCo for Sean), I agree to go along with this. But now, I am second guessing the whole thing. For the last couple of months we have enabled each other regarding these dumb boys and I don't think it is entirely healthy. For a while it was fun but now it just feels exhausting and not worth it.I have literally seen her cry because Preacher refused to take candy from her that she went out of her way to buy for him. I have literally freak texted her in the middle of the night to notify her that Sean was in my room. And because nothing will ever, ever happen between us and these boys I'm ready to bow out of trying to impress ourselves in front of them for small momentary pleasure. It just seems like a waste.
More importantly I do not want to see Zero Dark Thirty. It looks very long and very boring and I understand it may be culturally significant but I'd rather see Django Unchained again or Gangster Squad or something with cute boys that is fictional. I mean if I'm being dragged along for the ride anyway so that she can be sexually suggestive in front of her crush I feel like I should at least be able to pick what movie we are seeing. Le sigh. The things i do in the name of friendship.
I should probably actually get back to work now. I do like that my very fast typing makes me look very professional. Heather and I have started a book club and we are in desperate need of suggestions. I'm not sure if anyone even visits this space anymore but if you have any kick ass reads you'd think we should check out feel free to let me know. Right now we are leaning towards reading Warm Bodies (i'm going to surf goodreads now for further research). I attempted to read it when it first came it. Didn't like the way it was written. Put it down. But I figure I could give it another shot before the movie hits theaters. Maybe.
~Becks
The perk of working on a small campus is that I, essentially, get paid to sit and make sure the office does not burn down. This summer I got a job working in Document Services (i make copies... a lot of copies) on a awesome law school campus near my house. Before Heather as I had a small falling out last year (around this time i think) she told me she got a job on a college campus that worked out well. 4 hours a day. Higher than minimum wage pay. And weekends off. I was sort of jealous about this because at the time Le Sad Store was cutting hours and I was clocking in maybe, maybe, 8 hours a week. If I was living with my mom or my aunts, these shitty hours would not have been such an issue. But I don't and my mom was helping me pay rent for a very long time.
In April I applied, half-heartily to the same job she was talking about because they were looking for someone to fill the afternoon shift. I sent in the application, totally forgot about it and was shocked when I got a call in August for an interview and was hired on the spot. It was a little awkward at first working with Heather and working out the kinks of our friendship, but here i am, sitting in my very own office with a desk and a computer and a gorgeous view of campus life. I absolutely love it.
For 1) I'm not in the po' house anymore. I mean, I'm nowhere near financially stable but my mom doesn't have to help me pay rent and I can every once in awhile buy myself something that i don't necessarily need but that i want. 2) Time away from Le Sad Store is dope. That place is a black hole. Some of us are there out of comfort. Our friends work there. The job is easy. There are books and music around. But it remains the waiting place. We are all sort of waiting for something big and better to happen and killing time is literally what we are doing. Yesterday we played the Empire Records soundtrack on the book floor and it was very sad and nostalgic because we are sort of there because we don't want to leave this weird stage of life where we don't want to grow up but we can't stay kids forever.
3) For 4 hours a day I have the free time at the university to read and write, listen to music, or watch netflix on my ipod. Sure, I have actual work to do. I have a campus full of students and faculty to produce copies for on a daily basis. But the workload is rarely over 3 jobs, actual work consists of maybe an hour of my shift. For the other 3, I amuse myself with texting Kat, surfing the net, and writing smutty stories in my notebook. In between this I think i can throw in a blog post every once in awhile. Cause i sort of miss blogging regularly.
The other day i went through old posts. I was looking for the entry where I first wrote about Sean (October 6th 2009!) so i can pinpoint when this disaster of a relationship started. I of course continued to read entries from way back, jumping from 2007 to 2010 to last winter when things went to shit, and more than anything what i love about blogging is having a documented proof of events. I like reading about Mike and Art boy. I forgot all about Professor McDreamy who took up a lot of space in my mind. I like reading about what i learned in therapy and seeing how it still applies. I would have never remembered my therapist telling me that when people get close or I begin to feel like I'm opening up I have a tendency to bail out of fear, had i not written about this conversation circa 2008.
So despite whatever issues are going in my life I'd rather be honest and up front with them and write them out so that I can access them later on and see how far I've come. Even if my days and thoughts are mundane, I'm going to make an effort during my four hour lull period to put my thoughts down again. Like today. Absolutely nothing is going on. Heather and I switched shifts so that I could go see Zero Dark Thirty with Kat this afternoon so I am at work very early praying that I get to just sit here for the next two hours.
During the height of our crush mania (she is still madly deeply obsessed with the married young preacher at work, as i am Sean) we use to go to the movies every Tuesday afternoon. Now this partially had to do with us actually wanting to see a movie and trust me we saw a lot of them, but at the time Sean and Preacher boy use to close Tuesdays. So after Kat got out of work, I'd meet her at the store (dressed very cute) and we'd get our interaction time in with these boys (god I'm so embarrassed by this but whatever) before our show played. We made plans last week to see a movie this Tuesday because we haven't hung out in a while but Preacher became a manager a few months ago and he doesn't close Tuesdays anymore. At the last minute she tells me she doesn't want to go to the movies Tuesday because he won't be there and she wanted to dress up for him (even though he ignores her after they had a falling out).
So she suggest that we go Thursday. I ask why. She says because Thursday is better and maybe i could switch with Heather so we don't have to see a late movie and....and oh yeah the Preacher is working Thursday. She bought a new skirt and tight set to wear just for the occasion. Because she has done stupid things for me in the past (driving all the way to PetCo for Sean), I agree to go along with this. But now, I am second guessing the whole thing. For the last couple of months we have enabled each other regarding these dumb boys and I don't think it is entirely healthy. For a while it was fun but now it just feels exhausting and not worth it.I have literally seen her cry because Preacher refused to take candy from her that she went out of her way to buy for him. I have literally freak texted her in the middle of the night to notify her that Sean was in my room. And because nothing will ever, ever happen between us and these boys I'm ready to bow out of trying to impress ourselves in front of them for small momentary pleasure. It just seems like a waste.
More importantly I do not want to see Zero Dark Thirty. It looks very long and very boring and I understand it may be culturally significant but I'd rather see Django Unchained again or Gangster Squad or something with cute boys that is fictional. I mean if I'm being dragged along for the ride anyway so that she can be sexually suggestive in front of her crush I feel like I should at least be able to pick what movie we are seeing. Le sigh. The things i do in the name of friendship.
I should probably actually get back to work now. I do like that my very fast typing makes me look very professional. Heather and I have started a book club and we are in desperate need of suggestions. I'm not sure if anyone even visits this space anymore but if you have any kick ass reads you'd think we should check out feel free to let me know. Right now we are leaning towards reading Warm Bodies (i'm going to surf goodreads now for further research). I attempted to read it when it first came it. Didn't like the way it was written. Put it down. But I figure I could give it another shot before the movie hits theaters. Maybe.
~Becks
Monday, January 14, 2013
A Great Divide.
Happy belated New Years!
The last two weeks have been kind of rough here. New Years Eve and Day were exhausting and disappointing. I spent New Years Eve at home watching Nickelodeon after Kat couldn't decided whether she wanted to actually do something or not. She complained the whole week prior to New Years that she wanted to get out of plans with her brother and boyfriend to watch the ball drop at home but that she couldn't.
Come New Years Eve we are standing around at work and she complains that no one asked her to do anything exciting, even though I had made numerous attempts to make plans with her. I think she was waiting for me to say that we should hang out after work (go see a movie! ice skate! eat dessert at a bar again!)but I had it in my mind that I would stay home, eat a bunch of food and watch netflix all day (because a semi-day off for me functions these days as a full day off) and could not be tempted to change them.
I should have. Around Marie's birthday, day of death and even Christmas, i was sadder than usual, but not a complete wreck. I wouldn't allow myself to go to that place i always go where i wonder how things could have turned out differently. I miss her, grief makes sure of this, but some days it is not in the literal sense. I often forget that she is dead. I often pretend as if she has just gone away. That we have grown apart. That, as i always predicted, we would one day just not be friends because of time and distance.
The problem with this is that when I do fully grasp the extent of her death, in the middle of the night mainly, I am smacked in the face with the fact that she is not here. That she has died. That I will never ever be able to talk to her again or see her face or hear the sound of her laughter. She is dead. And I am here. And I am not sure how that happened.
The start of the new year triggered this sudden inexplicable, ache in belly realization. I was home alone, eating another slice of pizza, fucking around on facebook when 'it' came out of nowhere. This 'this is my life without Marie' feeling and I cried harder than I have in a very long time. Because while i miss her, I selfishly miss the person I was before this all happened. I miss the girl that i will never be without her. I wonder what she'd look like today.
I wonder if grief is this journey where I am suppose to learn something about her life and death and myself to help cope. Marie and I talked about loneliness a lot. We talked about not being able to connect. We talked about wanting to belong but not wanting to be normal. I can't help but wonder if her desperation had to do with the fact that these were things she felt she would never obtain.
Because those are things that i worry about all the time . I have friends.I have something with Sean (not healthy or good but something). I have a job that i love (the campus job). I have my mom and my brother. I have wants and desires. But everything still feels intangible. Or not enough. The other day Kat told me she felt alone. More alone then she has ever felt. And I was miffed that someone with a boyfriend and family nearby and a history with people could complain about feeling alone. Especially when I, often, have no one to depend on.
Case in point...i got the Flu from Sean two weeks ago (one of the reasons for my absence). The day after New Years Eve i went into work only because i knew he was going to be there. Forgive me for liking this boy, but i do. Our relationship continues to coil itself into a knot that we can't untangle. When he is not giving me mixed signals and breaking up with his girlfriend (only to get back with her an hour later) we are....us. We flirt, and make plans, and hint at things. We find reasons to be around each other. He calls, regulary to check in. He drops by my house after work if he can to say hi. He is more than a friend but not my boyfriend. But the lack of emotional, physical or mental available is killing me.
I expcet more from him. I want him to by mine. I want us to be able to go on an actual date. I want to be his girlfriend. But most importantly, or heartbreakingly, I want him to want me as much I adore him. Cause I adore him. And he knows this and yet is still madly deeply infuatated with his no job having, 'agoraphobic', writer girlfriend. She broke up with him on Christmas. Made up with him the next day. And then broke up with him on New Years to make up with him an hour later. And he says he stays but she's a 'nice girl who's really pretty'. Which makes me feel like blah.
Anyway, he's been battling some 'bug' since Christmas (coughing, head aches, abdominal pain, congestion..it was awful) and despite his warnings that we shouldn't get too close until he felt better, i didn't listen which resulted in me getting the Flu not too lonfg after. You never feel completely and utterly alone until you have the flu and realize that you are too weak to do anything but that you have to or you will die. Okay, im being a little dramatic...but you get what i'm saying.
The Flu from hell beat me up these past couple of days. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I ached all over and thought that perhaps I was being divided into pieces. My mom was too far away to do anything. I couldn't expect much from Sean (who did call to apologize for giving me the flu...but did not drop by to make me soup as I expect my future boyfriend to do) because he isn't accessible outside of work. Kathleen, who too was battling the flu, was being taken care of by her boyfriend. And I didn't have anyone else to call.
So with the little energy I had, I dragged myself to the drug store and bought medicine. Then to the supermarket to buy soup and crackers. I called out for work several days and laid in bed thinking that I was dying. My mom, who is a worry wart to begin with, was days away from buying plane tickets to come take care of me. I told her i wasn't feeling that bad (lie of the century) and not to worry. Then I sulked and contemplated if life will continue to feel so lonely. Sure there was no one to take care of me while I was sick, but when I sit back and think about it i still have issues with connecting. I still don't have this reliable source of people to turn to when i'm in the pits.
AndI hate admitting that i need people. I hate it. I spent most of high school, college, and the last few years convincing myself otherwise. But now in the wake of Marie's death, the connections i have made, and the one with Sean I am trying to understand I want more than ever to have people who need and want me around as much as I need and want them around.
And I feel at a loss for how to accomplish this. I've done great this last year and will continue as i have been. I've been reaching out to people, spending time with friends and family, expressing my love and adoration as much as I can. But how do i know if these are lasting relationships? Maybe I need to meet more people? Different ones from my friends at work? And what am I too do about Sean? I am determined to tell him how I feel this year. I have no other choice. I can't go on another year pining for him and waiting for him to want me. Or more realistically, for him to tell me that he isn't going to leave his girlfriend and that i deserve someone who wants me as eqaully as i want them.
I am not one for New Years Resolutions. I think they are stupid. But as much as I am afraid of change. I am more afraid of not achieving connections and finding happiness and not being okay. I am afraid of being alone. But I most am afraid that because this life without Marie is strange and weird and lonely yet beautiful and scary and new that i'll go back to that place where i pretend like I dont want and deserve happiness for fear of never finding it.
The last two weeks have been kind of rough here. New Years Eve and Day were exhausting and disappointing. I spent New Years Eve at home watching Nickelodeon after Kat couldn't decided whether she wanted to actually do something or not. She complained the whole week prior to New Years that she wanted to get out of plans with her brother and boyfriend to watch the ball drop at home but that she couldn't.
Come New Years Eve we are standing around at work and she complains that no one asked her to do anything exciting, even though I had made numerous attempts to make plans with her. I think she was waiting for me to say that we should hang out after work (go see a movie! ice skate! eat dessert at a bar again!)but I had it in my mind that I would stay home, eat a bunch of food and watch netflix all day (because a semi-day off for me functions these days as a full day off) and could not be tempted to change them.
I should have. Around Marie's birthday, day of death and even Christmas, i was sadder than usual, but not a complete wreck. I wouldn't allow myself to go to that place i always go where i wonder how things could have turned out differently. I miss her, grief makes sure of this, but some days it is not in the literal sense. I often forget that she is dead. I often pretend as if she has just gone away. That we have grown apart. That, as i always predicted, we would one day just not be friends because of time and distance.
The problem with this is that when I do fully grasp the extent of her death, in the middle of the night mainly, I am smacked in the face with the fact that she is not here. That she has died. That I will never ever be able to talk to her again or see her face or hear the sound of her laughter. She is dead. And I am here. And I am not sure how that happened.
The start of the new year triggered this sudden inexplicable, ache in belly realization. I was home alone, eating another slice of pizza, fucking around on facebook when 'it' came out of nowhere. This 'this is my life without Marie' feeling and I cried harder than I have in a very long time. Because while i miss her, I selfishly miss the person I was before this all happened. I miss the girl that i will never be without her. I wonder what she'd look like today.
I wonder if grief is this journey where I am suppose to learn something about her life and death and myself to help cope. Marie and I talked about loneliness a lot. We talked about not being able to connect. We talked about wanting to belong but not wanting to be normal. I can't help but wonder if her desperation had to do with the fact that these were things she felt she would never obtain.
Because those are things that i worry about all the time . I have friends.I have something with Sean (not healthy or good but something). I have a job that i love (the campus job). I have my mom and my brother. I have wants and desires. But everything still feels intangible. Or not enough. The other day Kat told me she felt alone. More alone then she has ever felt. And I was miffed that someone with a boyfriend and family nearby and a history with people could complain about feeling alone. Especially when I, often, have no one to depend on.
Case in point...i got the Flu from Sean two weeks ago (one of the reasons for my absence). The day after New Years Eve i went into work only because i knew he was going to be there. Forgive me for liking this boy, but i do. Our relationship continues to coil itself into a knot that we can't untangle. When he is not giving me mixed signals and breaking up with his girlfriend (only to get back with her an hour later) we are....us. We flirt, and make plans, and hint at things. We find reasons to be around each other. He calls, regulary to check in. He drops by my house after work if he can to say hi. He is more than a friend but not my boyfriend. But the lack of emotional, physical or mental available is killing me.
I expcet more from him. I want him to by mine. I want us to be able to go on an actual date. I want to be his girlfriend. But most importantly, or heartbreakingly, I want him to want me as much I adore him. Cause I adore him. And he knows this and yet is still madly deeply infuatated with his no job having, 'agoraphobic', writer girlfriend. She broke up with him on Christmas. Made up with him the next day. And then broke up with him on New Years to make up with him an hour later. And he says he stays but she's a 'nice girl who's really pretty'. Which makes me feel like blah.
Anyway, he's been battling some 'bug' since Christmas (coughing, head aches, abdominal pain, congestion..it was awful) and despite his warnings that we shouldn't get too close until he felt better, i didn't listen which resulted in me getting the Flu not too lonfg after. You never feel completely and utterly alone until you have the flu and realize that you are too weak to do anything but that you have to or you will die. Okay, im being a little dramatic...but you get what i'm saying.
The Flu from hell beat me up these past couple of days. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I ached all over and thought that perhaps I was being divided into pieces. My mom was too far away to do anything. I couldn't expect much from Sean (who did call to apologize for giving me the flu...but did not drop by to make me soup as I expect my future boyfriend to do) because he isn't accessible outside of work. Kathleen, who too was battling the flu, was being taken care of by her boyfriend. And I didn't have anyone else to call.
So with the little energy I had, I dragged myself to the drug store and bought medicine. Then to the supermarket to buy soup and crackers. I called out for work several days and laid in bed thinking that I was dying. My mom, who is a worry wart to begin with, was days away from buying plane tickets to come take care of me. I told her i wasn't feeling that bad (lie of the century) and not to worry. Then I sulked and contemplated if life will continue to feel so lonely. Sure there was no one to take care of me while I was sick, but when I sit back and think about it i still have issues with connecting. I still don't have this reliable source of people to turn to when i'm in the pits.
AndI hate admitting that i need people. I hate it. I spent most of high school, college, and the last few years convincing myself otherwise. But now in the wake of Marie's death, the connections i have made, and the one with Sean I am trying to understand I want more than ever to have people who need and want me around as much as I need and want them around.
And I feel at a loss for how to accomplish this. I've done great this last year and will continue as i have been. I've been reaching out to people, spending time with friends and family, expressing my love and adoration as much as I can. But how do i know if these are lasting relationships? Maybe I need to meet more people? Different ones from my friends at work? And what am I too do about Sean? I am determined to tell him how I feel this year. I have no other choice. I can't go on another year pining for him and waiting for him to want me. Or more realistically, for him to tell me that he isn't going to leave his girlfriend and that i deserve someone who wants me as eqaully as i want them.
I am not one for New Years Resolutions. I think they are stupid. But as much as I am afraid of change. I am more afraid of not achieving connections and finding happiness and not being okay. I am afraid of being alone. But I most am afraid that because this life without Marie is strange and weird and lonely yet beautiful and scary and new that i'll go back to that place where i pretend like I dont want and deserve happiness for fear of never finding it.
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