On Call

Mixed signals will be the death of me. The death of me I tell you.

Sometimes I wish i would have been a little more reckless and experimental in college. Had I had an ounce of confidence, or what i currently describe as 'my lack of not giving a shit what people think of me", I might have dated Mike. Or talked to Art Boy. Or dated casually like normal people do. Instead, I was too anxious to make friends yet alone get to know men (or college dudes at the time).

Unfortunately, this lack of experience has made the last few years....pretty frustrating in the boy department. I continue to have crushes on boys who are unavailable both physically and emotionally. Lets be honest that's probably why i am drawn to them. As someone who is afraid of getting close to people, it's not a shocker that I fall 'in like' with boys who can only give me 15% of themselves because, well, it protects me from being vulnerable and susceptible to liking someone and being open to them.

Not only am I attracted to these unavailable guys, but i feel like this has prevented me from interacting with dudes who could actually fall 'in like' with me and eventually date me. The other night I help these incredibly adorable guy who was looking for a good book in the Self Improvement department. Outside of his horrible taste in literature (really, self improvement) I was quite smitten with him.When we got to the aisle he said I looked like someone who reads a lot. I told him that i do but that i stick to fiction.

"understandable. the real world is pretty frightening, no need to read about it as well".

We both laughed at his quip and then settled into a nice conversation. He asked me if i was a writer. I told him that I use to write, or that i wanted to be a writer, but that i've decided to focus on other things. He asked why. I told him because my head and heart where struggling to create anything these days. He nodded, listened and then said he understood the feeling. He just graduated from school in music composition and that the process of coming up with something can be tiring. He said ideally he wants to score music for movies (sidenote: it has always been my fantasy to marry someone who scores movies. I don't know why. I just imagine my nights with him would be spent listening to something he spent days composing. I don't know. It's weird but whatever). At the sound of "i want to score music for movies" i freaked out and tell him that's awesome. I recommend a few soundtracks that I've been currently listening too and say he should stop back some time to chat.

It was very casual. Very outside of myself but it felt good to have someone's attention for a few minutes. Of course Sean comes walking down the aisle a few minutes later and the first thing i want to tell him is about my interaction with this boy. Because in my mind it will make him jealous and he'll realize that i won't wait for him forever. So i say "omg, i totally just met a nice boy who likes music scores and movies. And he asked me about writing and I think i liked him. Or liked talking to him". Instead of distress or anger or an tinge of jealousy this motherfucker pats me on the back and says "good for you. you really need a boyfriend".

Thanks Sean. Thanks.

I know that I am being a complete and utter idiot when it comes to this boy. My brother, my mom, Heather, Kat, my subconscious mind has tried to warn me of my growing attachment to him. Hell, he has a girlfriend,  regardless if they break up every fucking week (seriously. she broke up with him Friday. They made up Saturday) Despite all of this, he never leaves my mind. I am completely and utterly consumed by him. I know that i deserve more, i want more, I know that he can be insensitive and immature and a straight up jackass. But the moment i'm around him i become engulfed by him and my desire to be taken care of by him and to take care of him back.

But he isn't being fair with my feelings. I am being dangled by a possibility that may never happen. He expects me to be on-call and in wait for him to come around, even though he knows this too may never happen. And for a relatively smart chick I feel like a complete asshole for waiting in the background for him to notice me for him to take me into account. I feel like an asshole. And yet....he has ignited some intense feelings and desires that i can't shake. It doesn't help that he keeps giving me very mixed signals that my inexperience has no idea how to interpret.

This weekend I had to go to the Bronx  Sean lives in the Bronx and a month ago  he told me that anytime I have to go to the Bronx for my various appointments that I could spend the night at his house (as long as I told him in advance). The fact that  he lives with his parents already rules me out for ever taking him up on the offer but I entertained the idea of spending the night with him...because i am a girl after all.

 I didn't tell him i was going to the Bronx this weekend for various reason but out of nowhere he says "the other night I was thinking i'd really like us to share a bed. It's all i could think about. That i'd be able to keep you warm, if we shared a bed". I, at a loss for words, tell him 'that sounds like a nice plan...one day". Two seconds later he mentions that he took off for Valentine's Day so he could spend it with his girlfriend. I said that was nice, sulked away and cried in a corner.

His mixed feelings is killing me. Not only is it consuming me but it feels like it is tearing me apart. I get a glimpse into what a relationship with him would look like, only for him to shut it down. The closer we get the more i am getting hurt because he hasn't broken up with his girlfriend and hasn't come out and said he likes me. So some days i'm like 'fuck you:",' I'll ignore him and push my thoughts of him outside of my head. I'll demand that i find a boy who will commit to me 100%. I'll tell myself, then convince myself, then cry that i deserve better. I'll listen to my various "over you' playlists and banish him and his nice eyes and toned body into the dreaded friend zone. Because i deserve someone who likes me as much as I like them.

But then things like last night happen and i'm further lost down the rabbit that is me and this boy. Le sigh.

So the other night Sean, this guy named Dustin and I are all standing around customer service doing absolutely nothing. A customer comes up, gives me a very seductive smile and asks where he can take his books to pay for them. Dustin starts laughing and I stammer and tell the customer that he can take them up front. He looks me up and down and says "thank you very much" and then walks away. The first thing Dustin says is 'why the hell did he ask you out of all of us where the register was? That was weird right? I mean I was standing right there at the computer and he ignores all of us and asks you". I shrug and say "i don't know" but then another female co-worker says 'well....Beckett's adorable. that's why he asked her. Wouldn't you?". Dustin shrugs and says "yeah, well maybe" (which is the response i expected from him). So i teasingly said "yep, thats what it is i'm freaking adorable. adorable!".

Sean, who has been standing there says "um, no you're not". I turn my head so quickly and say "what?  you don't think i'm adorable". He doesn't say anything. So i, feeling very insecure and say "you don't think i'm adorable. Not even a little bit". He doesn't say anything. I glare at him and then say "well, if i'm not adorable i won't take up anymore of your time. Because i'm not adorable enough for it". Then i storm away. He follows me to the kids department and asks why i'm upset. I let out of the most exasperated groan and tell him that i'm upset that he doesn't think i'm even a little bit adorable or that he had to say it in front of everyone to embarrass me.

He says that is not what he said. I tell him that that is exactly what he said which made me feel like an ugly waste of space.

"whoa. whoa. tell me exactly what i said. I didn't say any of that and you're getting very upset over something stupid"
"you said I wasn't adorable. you said 'um you're not adorable". And I am very adorable, why would you say something like that?"

We stop in the middle of an aisle and I turn to him, who has suddenly become silent and say "tell me the truth. Do you not think i'm adorable at all" (and yes while this seems like a very stupid argument. I cannot have a boy touch me and allude to things like the way he does and then tell everyone that i'm not adorable to him. No)

He looks at me and mumbles "fine you're adorable" and then looks away. I touch his arm and say "no, i'm serious. Tell me. I need you to,  like you mean it or like i mean it". When he looks back at me, he looks so nervous and i have a feeling he's just going to walk away. But he doesn't. Instead, he puts down whatever he was holding at the time and turns my body to face him. I ask him what he's doing and he tells me to stand still. So i do. He takes a small step forward eliminating the small space that separated us so that my nose is pressed up against his chest almost, so i back up. He laughs and asks why i backed up. I tell him I don't know, i got scared cause he was standing so close to me. He tells me not to move again and places his hands this time on the sides of my arm. He moves forward again but i back up. He laughs and tells me this isn't going to work if i keep moving away from him. I wiggle the nerves away and say i promise i won't move again. He says 'good, okay, thank you".

He steps forward again and this time i remain completely still. At the last second i tilt my head up a little so that I look up at him. He smiles and presses his lips to my forehead and whispers into my hair "you're adorable. adorable. adorable" moving his lips back and forth. "You're adorable" he says once more before pulling away "happy?".

I'm not sure what happened after that. My legs may have buckled and I leaned into a shelf to catch myself. I mumbled a 'yeah, that was better" and then stumbled away to some dark corner to squeal and breathe.

Dear god someone help me. This boy is killing me. This boy is using me. This boy is wasting my time. And yet, i...i can't get him out of my head. I just can't. He kisses me on the forehead and everything bad flies out the window. Fuck