I'm 23. It's New Years Eve and I am watching the Jersey Shore on MTV. There is something not right about my life.
As we are about to enter 2010, I cannot help but think about the last ten years. On this day, I was 13 years old and in the eight grade. I was friends with Marie, Melissa, and a boy named Aric. Most likely, on this night ten years ago, I was sitting in bed preparing to watch the ball drop on television.
It was 1999. Everyone was still sort of into the Backstreet Boys, the Matrix was HUGE, and damn it all to hell I loved me some Jason Behr. It was also the year where everyone in my school thought the world was going to end. Because of Y2K and all. I remember the week before the new century, my friends and I were hanging out at school and everyone was saying goodbye to one another, but with that hint of 'seriously, this may be the last time I see you'. We had no idea what was in store for us, and sometimes I still don't think we do.
At 13, I thought I was going to be a doctor. Graduate from Michigan University, and be living with Jason Behr in our soho loft. I can't say that I though I would be here. Where I am now. I am not sure yet if that is a bad thing or good thing.
Currentty I am 23. I want to be a television producer. Everyone is sort of into Lady Gaga (who I do not, will not understand). Star Trek was HUGE, along with The Hangover. And I am all into some Sufjan Stevens. I am still friends with Marie, though I didn't stay friends with anyone else from middle school or high school. The world has not ended, I have graduated college, and ventured into the real world...all seems different and yet exactly the same.
Goodbye 2009!
I had tentative plans for tonight. The guy at work I call Toaster, invited me over to his place for a movie and drinks with his girlfriend and other friends. An hour ago, I got a call from another friend inviting me to a hotel party thrown by someone at work who didn't invite me. The latter invite sort of pisses me off seeing that I considered the party thrower a friend and am kind of confused as to why he neglected to tell me about said party the last time he saw me.
I declined both invitations. Both because I am still sorting out this being around a lot of people thing, and because I wanted my own little thing to be going on. Even if it was with a small group of friends. If Angie were still here, we would have done something small. A few friends, a lame movie, and vodka lemonade. That would have been fun.
If Marie were here, we would have ventured outside. Embraced the crowd before retreating, drank some drinks, danced some dances, and laughed. I think. I hope. I don't particulary mind being by myself on new years eve. In all honesty I have never had a 'proper one'. This doesn't mean that i am content with spendng every new years eve like tonight. I would like to be involved in some activity that doesn't include a solitary one, but that's the least of my worries as I welcome 2010 in with the biggest slice of pizza in the world and now Family Guy.
A lot has happened in ten years. Some things I'd rather forget. Others I still hold onto with all of my might. I am not going to make any resolutions this year (or the next, or the next or the next) because they seem a little contrite the older I get. It's a new year and all, but I'm the same person and I am hoping that that person propells me into an amazing life, with amazing friends, and a job where I don't have to help people find books they won't read anyway.
Happy New Year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Real World.
Last year, the bookstore cut a bunch of hours after the holidays. It's because one of my managers hires a bunch of people in preparation for the holidays and then as soon as Dec 26th comes along she has no idea what to do with said people.
She could fire those hired for the holidays. But she doesn't. She could space out hours fairly. But she doesn't. Instead she slashes hours like a mad women, and because of this I am clocking in, count them, 3 days next week. What the fudge. I am okay on money, but this is way frustrating especially when people who have been working there shorter than I have are clocking in five days! Five. I feel like such a wage whore, but seriously this is crap.
I am a little stressed out about the month of January. The holidays are over, my hours are going to dwindle away but I still have rent to pay and loans that need tending. I guess this means I am some sort of an adult now, whatever that means, but I am frustrated and confused and I want to quit.
So bad.
Marie keeps on me about this whole 'real world' thing that we are now apart of post school. Like a good friend she reminds me to keep writing, along with searching for jobs so I can get out of the bookstore. And in all honesty I need her to be the person who beats me up in order to get me off of my ass. But at the same time, if we are in the 'real world' now what the hell constituted the last 23 years of my life. A pseudo real world, a kind of real world, a world that I was sort of apart of but not really.
I don't know. But I am getting tired of my current situation. I feel weighed down by it. When I was a kid, my brother and I use to play at park in New Rochelle called 5 islands. The name is a given; the park was located along the Hudson River and was surrounded by 5 distinct islands. We'd go there during the summer and pretend to have these grand old adventures in the woods. One afternoon, along with his best friend John Moore who looked liked a gerbil, we decided to cross visit one of the islands.
Of course the islands were separated by water, but on days when the tide were low, you could literally walk to the islands on these barriers of rocks. It was tricky, and sometimes you would risk falling into the river but we had good balance and the path of rocks were pretty wide. On that particularly day getting to one of the islands was pretty easy, it took us about 30 minutes but when we reached the other end we felt like we had conquered some huge feat.
Once we got back on land, I decided we should try to bridge another path. Around a bend there was this huge stretch of land that no one ever played on. It look like an empty dirt lot, except with no trees or visible signs of life. My brother thought it would be awesome, John (who had a tendency of being the scared one) said he would stay behind and watch, and I was already running towards the amazing new field I thought I had discovered.
What I was unaware of at the time, is that that huge dirt field was actually wet sand, and as soon as I got 2 feet into the space I began sinking. I mean, knee deep in the stuff. At first I was like 'cool, quick sand' but then I realized the more I tried to wiggle myself out, the deeper I sank. John started screaming from afar "the sand is eating her!", my brother froze in fear, and I began to panic. The harder I tried to free myself, the more I irritated the sand. I had gone from being knee deep to thigh deep in the sand and was afraid of suffocation. It was the immobilizing moment of my whole entire life. Of wanting to free yourself from a trap, only to realize that's part of the trap.
Like Hercules himself, in one of the more heroic moments of my brothers life, he stretched his body as far as he could (without stepping in the sand) and pulled me out. It took him a good ten minutes, John then started yelling "the sand is eating both of you now!" but before long I was on solid ground and dirty as hell. When we got home my mom asked why we were so dirty, we made up some lie and blamed out dirty clothes on John (for being a wuzzy) and agreed to stay away from that part of the park after that.
I can't help but feel like I did then, right before my brother pulled me out of the sand with strength I didn't know he possessed. The moment where I was knee deep in something that threatened to consume me. It didn't seem real, I didn't seem real, the sand sure as hell didn't resemble any aspect of reality I had come across, and yet there I was being swallowed into the earth,trying to fight my way out to no avail. And it feels like that now in some way, like the harder I try to get out of it, the harder I try to lift one foot above the other, the further I sank and stopped resisting.
2010 is around the corner and I have no immediate plans for welcoming in the new year (Curb marathon, pizza, sparkling apple cider). A friend from work wants to go drinking at a pub located downtown, another wants to watch Doctor Who all day at his place. I have not decided yet. Dr Who would be interesting, but the pub serves hamburgers for 5 dollars plus a free beer. Not that I have ever gotten the beer just to eat the hamburger. Never.
I hate to be one of those people saying goodbye to the craptastic year that was 2009, in favor for the awesome that may be 2010 but seriously I hope that things will look up next year. I need it.
She could fire those hired for the holidays. But she doesn't. She could space out hours fairly. But she doesn't. Instead she slashes hours like a mad women, and because of this I am clocking in, count them, 3 days next week. What the fudge. I am okay on money, but this is way frustrating especially when people who have been working there shorter than I have are clocking in five days! Five. I feel like such a wage whore, but seriously this is crap.
I am a little stressed out about the month of January. The holidays are over, my hours are going to dwindle away but I still have rent to pay and loans that need tending. I guess this means I am some sort of an adult now, whatever that means, but I am frustrated and confused and I want to quit.
So bad.
Marie keeps on me about this whole 'real world' thing that we are now apart of post school. Like a good friend she reminds me to keep writing, along with searching for jobs so I can get out of the bookstore. And in all honesty I need her to be the person who beats me up in order to get me off of my ass. But at the same time, if we are in the 'real world' now what the hell constituted the last 23 years of my life. A pseudo real world, a kind of real world, a world that I was sort of apart of but not really.
I don't know. But I am getting tired of my current situation. I feel weighed down by it. When I was a kid, my brother and I use to play at park in New Rochelle called 5 islands. The name is a given; the park was located along the Hudson River and was surrounded by 5 distinct islands. We'd go there during the summer and pretend to have these grand old adventures in the woods. One afternoon, along with his best friend John Moore who looked liked a gerbil, we decided to cross visit one of the islands.
Of course the islands were separated by water, but on days when the tide were low, you could literally walk to the islands on these barriers of rocks. It was tricky, and sometimes you would risk falling into the river but we had good balance and the path of rocks were pretty wide. On that particularly day getting to one of the islands was pretty easy, it took us about 30 minutes but when we reached the other end we felt like we had conquered some huge feat.
Once we got back on land, I decided we should try to bridge another path. Around a bend there was this huge stretch of land that no one ever played on. It look like an empty dirt lot, except with no trees or visible signs of life. My brother thought it would be awesome, John (who had a tendency of being the scared one) said he would stay behind and watch, and I was already running towards the amazing new field I thought I had discovered.
What I was unaware of at the time, is that that huge dirt field was actually wet sand, and as soon as I got 2 feet into the space I began sinking. I mean, knee deep in the stuff. At first I was like 'cool, quick sand' but then I realized the more I tried to wiggle myself out, the deeper I sank. John started screaming from afar "the sand is eating her!", my brother froze in fear, and I began to panic. The harder I tried to free myself, the more I irritated the sand. I had gone from being knee deep to thigh deep in the sand and was afraid of suffocation. It was the immobilizing moment of my whole entire life. Of wanting to free yourself from a trap, only to realize that's part of the trap.
Like Hercules himself, in one of the more heroic moments of my brothers life, he stretched his body as far as he could (without stepping in the sand) and pulled me out. It took him a good ten minutes, John then started yelling "the sand is eating both of you now!" but before long I was on solid ground and dirty as hell. When we got home my mom asked why we were so dirty, we made up some lie and blamed out dirty clothes on John (for being a wuzzy) and agreed to stay away from that part of the park after that.
I can't help but feel like I did then, right before my brother pulled me out of the sand with strength I didn't know he possessed. The moment where I was knee deep in something that threatened to consume me. It didn't seem real, I didn't seem real, the sand sure as hell didn't resemble any aspect of reality I had come across, and yet there I was being swallowed into the earth,trying to fight my way out to no avail. And it feels like that now in some way, like the harder I try to get out of it, the harder I try to lift one foot above the other, the further I sank and stopped resisting.
2010 is around the corner and I have no immediate plans for welcoming in the new year (Curb marathon, pizza, sparkling apple cider). A friend from work wants to go drinking at a pub located downtown, another wants to watch Doctor Who all day at his place. I have not decided yet. Dr Who would be interesting, but the pub serves hamburgers for 5 dollars plus a free beer. Not that I have ever gotten the beer just to eat the hamburger. Never.
I hate to be one of those people saying goodbye to the craptastic year that was 2009, in favor for the awesome that may be 2010 but seriously I hope that things will look up next year. I need it.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Retail Hell!
I have a Sunday off? Is this really happening? I am really in bed, typing away on my laptop, listening to an amazing (amazing. seriously.) mixcd surrounded by books I have yet to read from the library. Yes. I. Am and if my suckass job calls I'm not answering, because I'm not on the schedule and no I don't want to take another shift. You can't make me.
This Christmas was hell in retail world. I have almost lost my shit 3 times towards ungrateful customers. Yesterday a guy accosted me because I didn't know what book he was asking for. He didn't know either and the only 'clues' he gave me were: It was written by a reporter, it was (but is not currently) on the new york times bestseller list. When I asked him to give me a little more information he informed me that he could find someone else to help him because I wouldn't know this book if it hit me in the face anyway. So he turned to someone next to me (Virginia, who is much older) and asked her to find the book on the same clues. Like a scene from a slacker isque movie, she shook her head and said "no haven't heard of that book. Sorry" and walked away. I love her.
A week ago I went on another interview with the Nonion. I honestly don't know how I got this to happen. I quit the other internship in hopes that the Nonion internship would open again and that I could apply. I was not expecting it to open the day I wrote my dear John letter, and 5 days later I was sitting in the Soho Loft of the Nonion, gripping my resume and trying to stay focused.
Unlike the last interview, I KILLED this one. It was so good. The Guy, was late by 15 minutes and then just as I was about to sit down he got an urgent call from one of his interns. He apologized profusely for being late and then having to deal with this current thing and then ran in the other direction. Ten minutes later he came back, and promised that he wouldn't run off again, and after that I had the one of the best interviews of my whole entire life. Seriously
This time I prepared for the interview. I even half-heartily came up with an answer to the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question. I was interviewed by the same guy, but if he remembered me he didn't show t. It was as if I had a Do Over. Those usually don't exist in the real world, but I had a sense that he had no idea who i was and this made me feel GREAT because he doesn't need to remember the incompetent girl he interviewed 3 months ago.
As I was preparing for the interview the night before I put into perspective the things I have liked and disliked about this year. I hate retail, I liked my internship with Lenny (despite not learning anything) and I didn't dislike my publishing internship but I don't want to go into publishing. At All. I need a balance of creativity and structure. When I was a kid my brother and I use to come up with various story ideas. This was when my brother utilized his ability to draw and I utilized my ability to write. They were Tiny Toon isque stories (outside of the super hero one we created called SUPER BIRD) but we were in depth. We would set up a studio in the living room, draft character profiles, and write some off the wall story lines. It was great.
I mean my mom still talks about those days. Morgan and I still talk about those days, and even now as 'adults' we do smaller less intensive story development sessions. I thought I wanted to be a doctor growing up but only because I like helping people. I thought I wanted to go into publishing, but only because I like reading and writing. But the more I get involved with production, the more I want to be apart of that world because I am good at creating stuff. I am good at organizing a small group of people, coming up with ideas and then seeing that idea to completion.
That's what producers do. I love producing, holy mother of saint stephens, that's what I want to be when I grow up: A supervising producer for a major television network for or on specific shows that I have either developed or am lending some creative input to. As a writer the supervising producer would work with other writers on the pre-production aspect of television development. I would be like Tina Fey in 30 Rock! That's what I want to do, that's what I want to be. Oh Yeah.
And this is what I told the guy at the Nonion (well not the Tina Fey thing). And he believed me. And I believed me, because it wasn't a lie. It is the truth, a truth that took me 23 years to discover. So after we finished our interview he said he wanted me to meet someone else! Her name is Liz (like from 30 Rock. Sorry but Ilove that show) and she works in research and development at the Nonion. 10 minutes later I was sitting down with her discussing my future aspirations. So I went on TWO interviews in one day. I feel really good about this. I may have an internship with the Nonion, getting me one step closer to the career I never knew I wanted but glad I stumbled across.
Writing is who I am. But I need a job, and a career to make it as a writer. I mean I worried that being surrounded by writing would deter me from doing so (publishing world) but being able to be creative in another way will be amazing. I should hear back from the Nonion after the Holidays. Fingers are still crossed
Now that I know what I want to do, and who I want to be working at the bookstore is more painful then usual. I have been there a year and a half. I have made friends and great contacts, but damn it all to hell, retail is miserable. The pay sucks, the hours are either too long to too short, and the customers are dreadful....dreadful. Though I continue to smile and be polite, I am over customers treating me like a third grader. I want to curse out all of them and throw it in there face that I am not the imbecile but I can't, so I don't and then I go home and sulk about it for days.
Not today though. I have it all to myself. I might clean my room, or read one of the many library books I have. I will definitely be listening to my amazing mixcd (seriously. how?), and chilling out in my room. I can't wait for this year to be over. Can't wait. I have a list of things to do to make it here and become the producer I never knew I wanted to be but that I am glad I've decided to become.
And guy who was mean to me yesterday. You suck!
.
This Christmas was hell in retail world. I have almost lost my shit 3 times towards ungrateful customers. Yesterday a guy accosted me because I didn't know what book he was asking for. He didn't know either and the only 'clues' he gave me were: It was written by a reporter, it was (but is not currently) on the new york times bestseller list. When I asked him to give me a little more information he informed me that he could find someone else to help him because I wouldn't know this book if it hit me in the face anyway. So he turned to someone next to me (Virginia, who is much older) and asked her to find the book on the same clues. Like a scene from a slacker isque movie, she shook her head and said "no haven't heard of that book. Sorry" and walked away. I love her.
A week ago I went on another interview with the Nonion. I honestly don't know how I got this to happen. I quit the other internship in hopes that the Nonion internship would open again and that I could apply. I was not expecting it to open the day I wrote my dear John letter, and 5 days later I was sitting in the Soho Loft of the Nonion, gripping my resume and trying to stay focused.
Unlike the last interview, I KILLED this one. It was so good. The Guy, was late by 15 minutes and then just as I was about to sit down he got an urgent call from one of his interns. He apologized profusely for being late and then having to deal with this current thing and then ran in the other direction. Ten minutes later he came back, and promised that he wouldn't run off again, and after that I had the one of the best interviews of my whole entire life. Seriously
This time I prepared for the interview. I even half-heartily came up with an answer to the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question. I was interviewed by the same guy, but if he remembered me he didn't show t. It was as if I had a Do Over. Those usually don't exist in the real world, but I had a sense that he had no idea who i was and this made me feel GREAT because he doesn't need to remember the incompetent girl he interviewed 3 months ago.
As I was preparing for the interview the night before I put into perspective the things I have liked and disliked about this year. I hate retail, I liked my internship with Lenny (despite not learning anything) and I didn't dislike my publishing internship but I don't want to go into publishing. At All. I need a balance of creativity and structure. When I was a kid my brother and I use to come up with various story ideas. This was when my brother utilized his ability to draw and I utilized my ability to write. They were Tiny Toon isque stories (outside of the super hero one we created called SUPER BIRD) but we were in depth. We would set up a studio in the living room, draft character profiles, and write some off the wall story lines. It was great.
I mean my mom still talks about those days. Morgan and I still talk about those days, and even now as 'adults' we do smaller less intensive story development sessions. I thought I wanted to be a doctor growing up but only because I like helping people. I thought I wanted to go into publishing, but only because I like reading and writing. But the more I get involved with production, the more I want to be apart of that world because I am good at creating stuff. I am good at organizing a small group of people, coming up with ideas and then seeing that idea to completion.
That's what producers do. I love producing, holy mother of saint stephens, that's what I want to be when I grow up: A supervising producer for a major television network for or on specific shows that I have either developed or am lending some creative input to. As a writer the supervising producer would work with other writers on the pre-production aspect of television development. I would be like Tina Fey in 30 Rock! That's what I want to do, that's what I want to be. Oh Yeah.
And this is what I told the guy at the Nonion (well not the Tina Fey thing). And he believed me. And I believed me, because it wasn't a lie. It is the truth, a truth that took me 23 years to discover. So after we finished our interview he said he wanted me to meet someone else! Her name is Liz (like from 30 Rock. Sorry but Ilove that show) and she works in research and development at the Nonion. 10 minutes later I was sitting down with her discussing my future aspirations. So I went on TWO interviews in one day. I feel really good about this. I may have an internship with the Nonion, getting me one step closer to the career I never knew I wanted but glad I stumbled across.
Writing is who I am. But I need a job, and a career to make it as a writer. I mean I worried that being surrounded by writing would deter me from doing so (publishing world) but being able to be creative in another way will be amazing. I should hear back from the Nonion after the Holidays. Fingers are still crossed
Now that I know what I want to do, and who I want to be working at the bookstore is more painful then usual. I have been there a year and a half. I have made friends and great contacts, but damn it all to hell, retail is miserable. The pay sucks, the hours are either too long to too short, and the customers are dreadful....dreadful. Though I continue to smile and be polite, I am over customers treating me like a third grader. I want to curse out all of them and throw it in there face that I am not the imbecile but I can't, so I don't and then I go home and sulk about it for days.
Not today though. I have it all to myself. I might clean my room, or read one of the many library books I have. I will definitely be listening to my amazing mixcd (seriously. how?), and chilling out in my room. I can't wait for this year to be over. Can't wait. I have a list of things to do to make it here and become the producer I never knew I wanted to be but that I am glad I've decided to become.
And guy who was mean to me yesterday. You suck!
.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
That Was The Worst Chritsmas Ever!
I had to work today. Yuck.
I hate retail because it's during the holidays when you really realize how un-adult your job really is. Especially when people ask if your store is open Christmas Day, as if we (booksellers) have nothing better to do with ourselves then sell books to people.
I was at the cash register all day (we were open from 11-6) and though time sort of flew by I was ready to come home and crash. I didn't get out of the store until 8, which means I clocked in an eight hour day. I hope I get a really good pay check next week.
You would think that being on my 'own' for the first time would make this a depressing and lonely Christmas. But after living with a relative who ignored me for the past 6 months, having the day to myself opening presents, watching tv and eating food ( I bought Parmesan chicken from a restaurant) is going to be awesome. I am looking forward to tomorrow.
After Thanksgiving, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I mean outside of the gifts I like the feeling you get around this time of the year. So yeah,baby Jesus may have been born on Christmas day AGES ago but it doesn't mean I can't celebrate the year that I have had.
New York has a way of making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world sometimes. Outside of the shit retail job, the disappointment from family (my aunt. my aunt. my aunt), and the never ending headache that is student loans.... I have accomplished so much in my time here. And when I walk down the streets, blanketed with snow surrounded by friends who like me and family that continue to support me, I feel all sorts of lucky...dare I say even blessed.
This will be my first Christmas alone, and if all works out my last. But this year has been great, weird and interesting but for some reason i am grateful for it. I have things to look forward to next year: I went on an awesome second interview with the Nonion two days ago, I have decided what I want to be when I grow up (a supervising producer for television. More on that later) I have a roof over my head, I am applying to grad school (again), and yeah, strides, I am making them. I feel good about the future. I feel, for once, confidant about it.
Christmas is less than 2 hours away, and I am excited. My friend and his girlfriend invited me over for Christmas tomorrow, and the landlady said I could come eat dinner with her and her family.With these invitations over my head, I have that warm christmasy feeling I have not felt in a long time. Retail has a way of destroying that but regardless of the current suckassness of my job, I feel good. I know that things are going to get better, I can feel it.
Anyway. I got a very awesome present in the mail today. I didn't know if I would get it in time for Christmas but I did. I can't wait to listen to it, and then write all about my epic MixCd! But until then....
Merry Christmas.
Becks
I hate retail because it's during the holidays when you really realize how un-adult your job really is. Especially when people ask if your store is open Christmas Day, as if we (booksellers) have nothing better to do with ourselves then sell books to people.
I was at the cash register all day (we were open from 11-6) and though time sort of flew by I was ready to come home and crash. I didn't get out of the store until 8, which means I clocked in an eight hour day. I hope I get a really good pay check next week.
You would think that being on my 'own' for the first time would make this a depressing and lonely Christmas. But after living with a relative who ignored me for the past 6 months, having the day to myself opening presents, watching tv and eating food ( I bought Parmesan chicken from a restaurant) is going to be awesome. I am looking forward to tomorrow.
After Thanksgiving, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I mean outside of the gifts I like the feeling you get around this time of the year. So yeah,baby Jesus may have been born on Christmas day AGES ago but it doesn't mean I can't celebrate the year that I have had.
New York has a way of making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world sometimes. Outside of the shit retail job, the disappointment from family (my aunt. my aunt. my aunt), and the never ending headache that is student loans.... I have accomplished so much in my time here. And when I walk down the streets, blanketed with snow surrounded by friends who like me and family that continue to support me, I feel all sorts of lucky...dare I say even blessed.
This will be my first Christmas alone, and if all works out my last. But this year has been great, weird and interesting but for some reason i am grateful for it. I have things to look forward to next year: I went on an awesome second interview with the Nonion two days ago, I have decided what I want to be when I grow up (a supervising producer for television. More on that later) I have a roof over my head, I am applying to grad school (again), and yeah, strides, I am making them. I feel good about the future. I feel, for once, confidant about it.
Christmas is less than 2 hours away, and I am excited. My friend and his girlfriend invited me over for Christmas tomorrow, and the landlady said I could come eat dinner with her and her family.With these invitations over my head, I have that warm christmasy feeling I have not felt in a long time. Retail has a way of destroying that but regardless of the current suckassness of my job, I feel good. I know that things are going to get better, I can feel it.
Anyway. I got a very awesome present in the mail today. I didn't know if I would get it in time for Christmas but I did. I can't wait to listen to it, and then write all about my epic MixCd! But until then....
Merry Christmas.
Becks
Friday, December 18, 2009
Is Christmas Over Yet?
Seriously.
Though I have a budget for myself this Christmas year, I still feel like I have spent a lot of money on...nothing. My first paycheck since Thanksgiving lasted all but a day (thanks to McAbs bailing on me because he couldn't get me the microwave he promised, forcing me to shelve out 50 dollars) and since then I have bought presents for my mom and Marie. Not a lot of presents. I kind of forgot Marie's birthday so to make it up to her I made her a 'romance box'. I mailed her 3 romance books, a box of caramel, almond joy (inside joke based on a specific romance novel she read), pj's and slippers. I then got the usual for my mom; movie, cd, cookbook, and other odds and ends.
I wish I could have spent more. But December is coming to a close, rent approaches, and I am trying to hold on to all of my money. Christmas isn't helping.
It's not that I hate the holidays, but damn it all to hell, for one day out of the year people get all crazy for secret deals and a day of opening presents. Were it not for the spending money part, this Christmas would be okay. But I won't be home for the holidays, I am as broke as broke can get, and I am anxious about the next few months.
Life.
After sending a Dear John letter to my internship, I felt a sense of "what the fuck am I doing". Yes, that internship was not right for me but in all honesty, at this rate, no internship may be right....especially if I am not getting paid for my awesome skills. I re-applied to the Nonion yesterday because they are looking for interns for the Winter/Spring 'semester'. This could be a long shot or at least a nice second chance.
I get paid today (yeah!) and this time my spending will be under control. All i need is food and water and maybe a luxury item or two (those caramels I bought Marie looked delicious). I can't wait for Christmas to be over.
Though I have a budget for myself this Christmas year, I still feel like I have spent a lot of money on...nothing. My first paycheck since Thanksgiving lasted all but a day (thanks to McAbs bailing on me because he couldn't get me the microwave he promised, forcing me to shelve out 50 dollars) and since then I have bought presents for my mom and Marie. Not a lot of presents. I kind of forgot Marie's birthday so to make it up to her I made her a 'romance box'. I mailed her 3 romance books, a box of caramel, almond joy (inside joke based on a specific romance novel she read), pj's and slippers. I then got the usual for my mom; movie, cd, cookbook, and other odds and ends.
I wish I could have spent more. But December is coming to a close, rent approaches, and I am trying to hold on to all of my money. Christmas isn't helping.
It's not that I hate the holidays, but damn it all to hell, for one day out of the year people get all crazy for secret deals and a day of opening presents. Were it not for the spending money part, this Christmas would be okay. But I won't be home for the holidays, I am as broke as broke can get, and I am anxious about the next few months.
Life.
After sending a Dear John letter to my internship, I felt a sense of "what the fuck am I doing". Yes, that internship was not right for me but in all honesty, at this rate, no internship may be right....especially if I am not getting paid for my awesome skills. I re-applied to the Nonion yesterday because they are looking for interns for the Winter/Spring 'semester'. This could be a long shot or at least a nice second chance.
I get paid today (yeah!) and this time my spending will be under control. All i need is food and water and maybe a luxury item or two (those caramels I bought Marie looked delicious). I can't wait for Christmas to be over.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Breaking Up
So I got that internship I applied to last week and today was my first day. As I suspected I am WAY over qualified to be a non working 'employee'. The guy, who shall be called Moby because of his bald head, is uber nice and listens to cool music, and he made my first day pretty productive. I didn't get lost this time around and spent the next six hours editing middle school like reviews of plays, and updating casting information. I didn't ask for much help because I was familiar with the aspects of format and APA style and he saw no reason to check up on me because I seemed to have a hold of things.
I mailed some newspapers out, marked up more reviews with a red pen, and listened to an awesome web radio show. But I had that feeling in my stomach that I use to get at the beginning of a semester when I would realize that the class i signed up for wasn't what I wanted and that I had a clear window of opportunity to bail out and drop the course before I got a big fat "W" on my transcript. I have dropped many a class on this gut feeling, whether it's because the professor is a complete crazy person, the class is not what I expected or I know that I will fail it.
I had that feeling today. I didn't particularly hate being there, but I had a sense that wasn't the place for me. And not because Moby is a crazy ( he's actually very nice), or that the newspaper itself is a mess(it's a small print but they are surviving), it's just that after a year of being an intern I am too qualified to be their intern and they are not hiring any time soon.
I have to be very conscious of my money now (rent.rent.rent.food.rent) and unless the internship is in production (circa another chance to be an intern for the Nonion) or is a paid job, than I just can't afford to work for free anymore. It's not a possibility. I calculated that I would be spending a total of 39.50/week on this internship, excluding food. That's a $158.00 a month just on transportation. There is no compensation for travel and my days off would be obsolete.
I have made a mistake in taking this internship. I am confidant about this. If this was a year ago, and I had not had my internship with Lenny or with The Crazy Lady this opportunity would be perfect. But as I was sitting there in the small cramped office, I realized that I am no longer the girl I was a year ago and that this internship can not offer what it did then. And because of this, I have to break up with it before I am in to deep.
I hate making decisions, and I have never felt so bad about about finally making one. But I can't waste his time, my money, and someone else's opportunity. Right?
Fucking Eh, my stomach hurts. I am suppose to show up on Thursday at 11am but I feel, I mean know, that I have to do this now. Or I will stay only because of guilt. Ugh, I hate being an adult. I hate it.
Anyway
MixCD Extravaganza is now closed! I will send out my address tomorrow (via email) to those participating. I have had fun making the Cd's and composing tracklists. There is an art to it that I am still trying to get the hang of. Some have been easier to make than others, but I am on my final run of things and these puppies will be sent out this Friday! Excitement bound.
Time to break up with my internship. I wish someone else could do this for me, while I play the Sims. I'm just saying.
I mailed some newspapers out, marked up more reviews with a red pen, and listened to an awesome web radio show. But I had that feeling in my stomach that I use to get at the beginning of a semester when I would realize that the class i signed up for wasn't what I wanted and that I had a clear window of opportunity to bail out and drop the course before I got a big fat "W" on my transcript. I have dropped many a class on this gut feeling, whether it's because the professor is a complete crazy person, the class is not what I expected or I know that I will fail it.
I had that feeling today. I didn't particularly hate being there, but I had a sense that wasn't the place for me. And not because Moby is a crazy ( he's actually very nice), or that the newspaper itself is a mess(it's a small print but they are surviving), it's just that after a year of being an intern I am too qualified to be their intern and they are not hiring any time soon.
I have to be very conscious of my money now (rent.rent.rent.food.rent) and unless the internship is in production (circa another chance to be an intern for the Nonion) or is a paid job, than I just can't afford to work for free anymore. It's not a possibility. I calculated that I would be spending a total of 39.50/week on this internship, excluding food. That's a $158.00 a month just on transportation. There is no compensation for travel and my days off would be obsolete.
I have made a mistake in taking this internship. I am confidant about this. If this was a year ago, and I had not had my internship with Lenny or with The Crazy Lady this opportunity would be perfect. But as I was sitting there in the small cramped office, I realized that I am no longer the girl I was a year ago and that this internship can not offer what it did then. And because of this, I have to break up with it before I am in to deep.
I hate making decisions, and I have never felt so bad about about finally making one. But I can't waste his time, my money, and someone else's opportunity. Right?
Fucking Eh, my stomach hurts. I am suppose to show up on Thursday at 11am but I feel, I mean know, that I have to do this now. Or I will stay only because of guilt. Ugh, I hate being an adult. I hate it.
Anyway
MixCD Extravaganza is now closed! I will send out my address tomorrow (via email) to those participating. I have had fun making the Cd's and composing tracklists. There is an art to it that I am still trying to get the hang of. Some have been easier to make than others, but I am on my final run of things and these puppies will be sent out this Friday! Excitement bound.
Time to break up with my internship. I wish someone else could do this for me, while I play the Sims. I'm just saying.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Mixing It Up
So yeah this post is Way over due.
Three weeks ago my friend at work made me a Mix CD. This was only after we stumbled across a book at the store called Cassette From My Ex, and fell in love with the tracklists accompanied by stories. I admitted to her as we were flipping through the pages that I never received a Mixtape and within seconds she decided she would make one for me and that I could make one for her.
A date was set, and a week later I got my very first mixcd. I was without my laptop then, damn
battery dying, so I had to listen to her cd on my DVD player. As soon as the first song started I understood the magic of Mixtapes (or Cd's). She had created something personal and reflective through music and since then I am trying to make up for lost time.
I am a deeply private person. I am secretive and elusive and for the past 4 years (can you believe it) I have tried to keep my online journal and personal life two completely different things. It's not to say that who I am on this blog isn't how I am in the "real world". In the "real world" I am nerdy, shy, silly, serious, stable and a million and one different other things. People (my family, my small group of friends) depend on me in a way to be these things. They don't know about my anxiety or bouts of the big D. I don't talk about those type of things with them.
In this journal I am allowed to express myself in a way I don't regulary get to in the "real world". I am allowed to not be those things listed above. I get to write what I feel without hearing the sound advice of my family and friends trying to put it in perspective. Here, I have control over my thoughts and feelings. Writing has always been an escape for me, this journal is an escape and in order to maintain it as my hidden place I admit to being a tad bit distant about letting those of you who read this thing into the "real world" Beckett.
So after getting my first Mix CD, I thought 'hey, what a way to connect to people I have known for the last couple of years". Hence Mix CD Extravaganza 2009! Oh yeah.
The rules are simple:
1. Depending on who wants to participate I will compose a mix cd for you, with about 12-15 songs of my choosing. The songs will be based on who you are and what I know of you. Each tracklist will different (so the songs I send to person A may not be the same as the songs I send to person B). The tracklist will be compose of songs I think a) you will like or b) that I like SOOOO much I hope they give you a better sense of who I am.
2. In order for this to be an exchange those participating have to make a mixtape for me. It would work in the same way. Put songs on there that mean something to you or that you think would mean something to me. I listen to (almost) everything but I'm really just interested in what you choose.
3. The mixtape has to have title (apparently it's that law) accompanied by the tracklist. I think the naming process has something to do with rule (or rather suggestion ) number 5. I am horrible with giving things titles and if you are like me this naming thing will seem....stupid. But Jon suggested pulling three random words (or phrases)from the songs on your tracklist giving it a unique title. It's brillant, I'd do that if I were you.
4. What I believe to be the most important part: LISTEN to the mixcd before viewing the tracklist. I think this is important because we all have biases. I mean if I were to see a Jonas Brothers song on the tracklist you could be damn well I would scuff and skip that song and in the process potentially miss out on a song that has meaning to you or that might not suck as bad as I thought it would. Like, I am not a huge fan of RPatz but he has a pretty voice. I would not have none this had my friend not put his song on my mix cd.
So listen to the CD first and then after the last song has played go and check out the playlist. You may be surprised
5. Theme it up! Well if you want. Mixtapes usually have some sort of theme to them. A mix for rainy days, snowy days, calm afternoons, Party in the USA days, I like you but I don't know how to tell you, I dislike you but I don't know how to tell you. My friend at work believes the THEME is the most important part. I don't really do well with themes (plus my theme is technically the person I am making the mix for). I will let you decide if you want to make a themed mix cd or not. No pressure here.
6. Cd's should be sent out the week of Christmas (which I believe is the 21st) at least. Shit that's two weeks ago. Okay because I was late in posting this, if you can't send them out before Christmas, at least before 2009 is up. So we have at least 2 weeks to complete and send these lovelies out.
7. The tricky part. If you want to participate (and I know who you are) send me your email address. I tried to set up a gmail account via Blogger but that didn't work. So for those who don't have my aol address I set up another a gmail account. It's everythingwas301@gmail.com.
It's important that those of you participating are people I am familar with (mainly those of you have commented more than once and whose comments weren't: You sure are pretty. Yes Audrey Tautou is!). I am providing a PO Box and all, and it would be easier making a mix CD for someone who has been reading this journal for a while. I want the mixes to be personal and plus I am wary of stalkers. So yeah, I don't mean for this to be exclusive but we are dealing with addresses here.
I have thought about creating a playlist just for the blog so that no one feels outside of the MIXTAPE EXTRAVAGANZA. But I would have to figure out how I would create a post for that.
8. This should be fun! I set out to do this because I have been documenting my everyday experiences for a while. Because of the nature of my 'blog' i have strayed away from making all aspects of my life available here. And in all honesty I probably never will. I have lost some friends (readers) because of this, and I have in the past felt guilty for not extending the 'real world' Beckett to those who have access to Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts. And even though this is the realest form you will ever get of me, I thought this MIX CD EXTRAVAGANZA could be a way for me to say "hey I do exist out there somewhere, wanna hear some cool sounds to remind you of that". It's me extending my blog hand and inviting you into life outside of this blog for a moment or at least 59.4 minutes according to someone's playlist.
If you want to join let me know. I would kind of have to have a complete list of people I need to make a MixCD for by....Monday. I get overwhelmed easily, some mixes will be easier to compose than others.
So Happy Mixing. I can't wait to hear what you have in store for me.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
It's raining and it's Snowing!
I just woke up to rain, snow and heavy winds. Winter has arrived people.
I live in a old colonial house. The floors are hardwood, there is a old heater in my room and everything creaks. Everything. I actually like this because I am a hug fan of antiques. I would rather spend money on used books and antique furniture then buy literature from the store that I work at or even order things from Ikea. I like things with a little wear and tear. It soothes me in a way.
The moment I walked into this room and heard the sound of the floor creak beneath my feet I was in love. LOVE. The first night there was a thunderstorm and the wind was blowing hard. The Landlord but up some lace curtains before I moved in. And that whole night all I could hear and see was the sound of the windd smacking against the window causing the lace to rise and fall like a skirt.
I can't believe I have only been back for a week and a couple of days. My room is still just a room (I have no funds to do otherwise) and I am getting use to the silence. Though the week home was amazing, it has left me in a financial crunch. I am counting down the days until friday when I finally get paid and I won't feel as broke. I have gotten creative with spending money in the last week, it is now a "lets see how little I can spend at Target" game. Target is winning and coupons might become my new friend.
I realize that if I wish to stay in new york I will have to get a better job. It's weird. Yesterday I went on an interview for another internship. I applied to this gig a year ago but did not get the position. While I was home I saw a craiglists ad for the same internship. Trying to be protective I thought "hey why not apply again. It can't hurt". But I was surprised when he actually called me a couple of days ago and wanted me to come in for another interview.
I debated this for a while. I mean yeah I applied but do I really want another editorial gig Do I really want to potential work for a guy who didn't see me as the person for the job the first time. But yesterday I made my way into the city (and got lost for 20 minutes ) and had a successful interview with this guy. I admit it, I fudged up horribly during the Nonion interview. I was trying to be too affable and that crashed and burned. Though I am easy going, I understand now that I should probably save my personality for after I'm hired because they don't want funny on the spot. They want to know if I am capable.
And yesterday as I was more than capable. I was damn right overqualified. After I filled out an application we went to a corner and discussed the basics again. He wanted to know what I have been doing since the last time he saw me. This is where I inserted all of my internship experience. He seemed impress that soon after he REJECTED me (biter much) that I got an internship with a director he is familiar with. He sat back in his seat and raised his eyebrow when I mentioned the French guys name. "I know him he did the 9/11 documentaries" "yep that's him" "So you. Like. Actually worked with him". "Yeah"
Then I started talking about the 'production world' and what movies I worked on and he wanted to know the names so I gave them to him. And then I talked about my publishing internship which also raised eyebrows because he is trying to become published. He wanted to know about all of that crap and I was knowledgeable. It was as if I had the Crazy Lady and the French guy sitting next to me, each nodding in approval that i had taken something away from their internships.
It was then as I was going on about what I did at those places that I felt too qualified to be an intern there. I mean I am getting to the point where I may be too qualified for a lot of these internships. I should be able to look for a job now. I mean a paying one and I don't understand why I do not have a job yet. Just one real one so that i don't have to keep playing "where am I not going to eat today" game. It sucks being broke.
He said he would get back to me in a few days. I am sort of ambivalent about getting it or not getting it. I want a strong resume, and in a sense I am beginning to feel like I have one. There was this radio internship I was going to apply to. It's something I have never done before but I could learn about broadcasting. We'll see.
I am tired, hungry, and the only items to my name are some prayer flags and my laptop. I am beginning to feel like that broke starving artist. Please Friday, can you come an get here already.
I live in a old colonial house. The floors are hardwood, there is a old heater in my room and everything creaks. Everything. I actually like this because I am a hug fan of antiques. I would rather spend money on used books and antique furniture then buy literature from the store that I work at or even order things from Ikea. I like things with a little wear and tear. It soothes me in a way.
The moment I walked into this room and heard the sound of the floor creak beneath my feet I was in love. LOVE. The first night there was a thunderstorm and the wind was blowing hard. The Landlord but up some lace curtains before I moved in. And that whole night all I could hear and see was the sound of the windd smacking against the window causing the lace to rise and fall like a skirt.
I can't believe I have only been back for a week and a couple of days. My room is still just a room (I have no funds to do otherwise) and I am getting use to the silence. Though the week home was amazing, it has left me in a financial crunch. I am counting down the days until friday when I finally get paid and I won't feel as broke. I have gotten creative with spending money in the last week, it is now a "lets see how little I can spend at Target" game. Target is winning and coupons might become my new friend.
I realize that if I wish to stay in new york I will have to get a better job. It's weird. Yesterday I went on an interview for another internship. I applied to this gig a year ago but did not get the position. While I was home I saw a craiglists ad for the same internship. Trying to be protective I thought "hey why not apply again. It can't hurt". But I was surprised when he actually called me a couple of days ago and wanted me to come in for another interview.
I debated this for a while. I mean yeah I applied but do I really want another editorial gig Do I really want to potential work for a guy who didn't see me as the person for the job the first time. But yesterday I made my way into the city (and got lost for 20 minutes ) and had a successful interview with this guy. I admit it, I fudged up horribly during the Nonion interview. I was trying to be too affable and that crashed and burned. Though I am easy going, I understand now that I should probably save my personality for after I'm hired because they don't want funny on the spot. They want to know if I am capable.
And yesterday as I was more than capable. I was damn right overqualified. After I filled out an application we went to a corner and discussed the basics again. He wanted to know what I have been doing since the last time he saw me. This is where I inserted all of my internship experience. He seemed impress that soon after he REJECTED me (biter much) that I got an internship with a director he is familiar with. He sat back in his seat and raised his eyebrow when I mentioned the French guys name. "I know him he did the 9/11 documentaries" "yep that's him" "So you. Like. Actually worked with him". "Yeah"
Then I started talking about the 'production world' and what movies I worked on and he wanted to know the names so I gave them to him. And then I talked about my publishing internship which also raised eyebrows because he is trying to become published. He wanted to know about all of that crap and I was knowledgeable. It was as if I had the Crazy Lady and the French guy sitting next to me, each nodding in approval that i had taken something away from their internships.
It was then as I was going on about what I did at those places that I felt too qualified to be an intern there. I mean I am getting to the point where I may be too qualified for a lot of these internships. I should be able to look for a job now. I mean a paying one and I don't understand why I do not have a job yet. Just one real one so that i don't have to keep playing "where am I not going to eat today" game. It sucks being broke.
He said he would get back to me in a few days. I am sort of ambivalent about getting it or not getting it. I want a strong resume, and in a sense I am beginning to feel like I have one. There was this radio internship I was going to apply to. It's something I have never done before but I could learn about broadcasting. We'll see.
I am tired, hungry, and the only items to my name are some prayer flags and my laptop. I am beginning to feel like that broke starving artist. Please Friday, can you come an get here already.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Beginning. Middle. Or End?
In one week I have managed to: arrive in New York from Thanksgiving break, pack for my Big Move, Move-in to new house, work 34 hours at the bookstore, get an interview for ANOTHER internship, forget and then remember Marie's Birthday Day, and sleep. How I love to sleep.
I don't know how I made it. Even though it is Sunday I feel like I have come to the end of a very long week. There are no breaks in sight (except for Thursday which I will take advantage of) but this is my life.
I am enjoying my room more and more each day. I desperately need to personalize it. My friend at work is framing some Kurt Halsey prints for me, and because the room comes with built in shelves ,I am looking for a floor rug to buy instead of a bookshelf.
Right now the big item on my list of things to get is a microwave. Though I have full reign of the house I would prefer to have a microwave in my room. This will stop me from running downstairs every 5 minutes to warm up my hot chocolate. Apparently microwaves cost a billion dollars, and after paying rent (how adult of me) and not getting paid this week because I didn't work last week...I do not have the money for a microwave until Friday. I have been eating peanut butter and jelly for the last 3 days because everything else involves the use of a microwave.
Luckily McAbs (who I haven't spoken to in a while) said he would get me a microwave of my own Tuesday. Things have been weird between us since I put him on a pedestal. I have tried to distance myself from him as to not fuck things up between us. But I like McAbs. And not just because he has a cute face and nice arms, which are aspects of him that are nice to look at. But he's a fun guy to talk to, we joke around and I do want to be friends with him.
So today I saw him walking down the aisle and I called his name and like that we were back to our usual joking back and forth thing. I am always hungry and I mentioned that I was eating 'peanut butter and jelly' because I didn't have a microwave to use in my room. He then said "you need a a microwave" "Yes" "I'll get you a microwave" "Really?" "If you need one. Yeah".
So yeah, I may not be madly deeply in like with him anymore but damn it I'M GETTING A MICROWAVE. I love this kid (in a platonic non sexual way!). He is either bringing it to my place or I will go an pick it up from work after my interview on Tuesday.
I just got back to New York and things seem to be....going into motion. At the moment I don't know if I am coming or going, at the beginning or at the end, but it feels productive. I feel productive.
I don't know how I made it. Even though it is Sunday I feel like I have come to the end of a very long week. There are no breaks in sight (except for Thursday which I will take advantage of) but this is my life.
I am enjoying my room more and more each day. I desperately need to personalize it. My friend at work is framing some Kurt Halsey prints for me, and because the room comes with built in shelves ,I am looking for a floor rug to buy instead of a bookshelf.
Right now the big item on my list of things to get is a microwave. Though I have full reign of the house I would prefer to have a microwave in my room. This will stop me from running downstairs every 5 minutes to warm up my hot chocolate. Apparently microwaves cost a billion dollars, and after paying rent (how adult of me) and not getting paid this week because I didn't work last week...I do not have the money for a microwave until Friday. I have been eating peanut butter and jelly for the last 3 days because everything else involves the use of a microwave.
Luckily McAbs (who I haven't spoken to in a while) said he would get me a microwave of my own Tuesday. Things have been weird between us since I put him on a pedestal. I have tried to distance myself from him as to not fuck things up between us. But I like McAbs. And not just because he has a cute face and nice arms, which are aspects of him that are nice to look at. But he's a fun guy to talk to, we joke around and I do want to be friends with him.
So today I saw him walking down the aisle and I called his name and like that we were back to our usual joking back and forth thing. I am always hungry and I mentioned that I was eating 'peanut butter and jelly' because I didn't have a microwave to use in my room. He then said "you need a a microwave" "Yes" "I'll get you a microwave" "Really?" "If you need one. Yeah".
So yeah, I may not be madly deeply in like with him anymore but damn it I'M GETTING A MICROWAVE. I love this kid (in a platonic non sexual way!). He is either bringing it to my place or I will go an pick it up from work after my interview on Tuesday.
I just got back to New York and things seem to be....going into motion. At the moment I don't know if I am coming or going, at the beginning or at the end, but it feels productive. I feel productive.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
It's Oh So Quiet....
So i moved into my room yesterday.
I haven't really talked to my aunt since I got back from break. And she hasn't made much of an effort either and because of that I didn' t feel the need to tell her when or where I was moving. I left Michelle a note, or rather a picture that she will probably never know is there though.
The last couple of months have been terrible at her place. Who would have thought that silence from another human being would be so...frustrating. But it was. I would walk into the house, and she would leave the room as if I had just ruined her day. Christopher got in the habit of doing the same thing and by the end of this whole ordeal I felt ostracized.
This doesn't mean that moving into this new place isn't weird. I hauled all of my stuff into a cab early yesterday morning and made my way down the street. My landlady/housemate helped me move my bags upstairs and then she left me in my room to get acquainted with the space.
It's bigger then I remember. Her son painted the walls a nice warm color and I have two big windows to stare out. Right now, my stuff is everywhere. Soon after moving I had to go to work and I didn't get home until late because two people called out. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, because I have a thing about sleeping in unfamiliar places. I have to get adjusted to the new sounds but more importantly the silence.
It's weird living by yourself. I mean even though I am not technically in this big house alone, I sort of feel on my own. And it's weird and really quiet and I miss sounds i never knew I would miss (well except that smacking sound from my aunt and her booty call man. That sound I won't miss at all).
But I do love my room. I do love coming back to my own little space. It needs some personal touches but I do like it.
But it is super quiet.
I haven't really talked to my aunt since I got back from break. And she hasn't made much of an effort either and because of that I didn' t feel the need to tell her when or where I was moving. I left Michelle a note, or rather a picture that she will probably never know is there though.
The last couple of months have been terrible at her place. Who would have thought that silence from another human being would be so...frustrating. But it was. I would walk into the house, and she would leave the room as if I had just ruined her day. Christopher got in the habit of doing the same thing and by the end of this whole ordeal I felt ostracized.
This doesn't mean that moving into this new place isn't weird. I hauled all of my stuff into a cab early yesterday morning and made my way down the street. My landlady/housemate helped me move my bags upstairs and then she left me in my room to get acquainted with the space.
It's bigger then I remember. Her son painted the walls a nice warm color and I have two big windows to stare out. Right now, my stuff is everywhere. Soon after moving I had to go to work and I didn't get home until late because two people called out. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, because I have a thing about sleeping in unfamiliar places. I have to get adjusted to the new sounds but more importantly the silence.
It's weird living by yourself. I mean even though I am not technically in this big house alone, I sort of feel on my own. And it's weird and really quiet and I miss sounds i never knew I would miss (well except that smacking sound from my aunt and her booty call man. That sound I won't miss at all).
But I do love my room. I do love coming back to my own little space. It needs some personal touches but I do like it.
But it is super quiet.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Where's Your Head At?
In the clouds.
I have a long week ahead of me. Moving. Working. Applying. Sleeping.
I am in a weird mood this week. As soon as I got back to New York I was filled with a sense of "man I don't want to be here anymore". It didn't help that an hour after I arrived in this fair state, I headed to work for a closing shift. Yeah. I'm a wage whore.
I don't regret my decision to move here after graduation, but damn it all to hell some days I would rather be anywhere else. It could be the vacation lag I am feeling. After several days of my big bed and dinner on the table every night. I may be going through a 'home withdrawal' that will have to wear itself out.
But I still feel like crap. And this feeling (the weird what the fudge am I doing, where can I hide) stems from nervs. I know this. I am excited about moving (tomorrow!), I am excited about diving into this production thing head first, I am looking forward to...everything I guess. But that doesn't stop me from being nervous. Doesn't stop me from fearing change despite how much I look forward to it.
Before I left South Carolina I ran into an old friend from high School. I wrote a detailed post about this encounter last night, but I haven't posted it yet. I may never. But she was someone that Marie and I hung out with in school because she hated high school as much as we did. She always reminded me of DARIA, very withdrawn, monotone voice, lack of affect. But there was something I liked in her. Something we both liked about her.
We met in the 9th grade because EVERY freshman had to take a Strategies for Success class. The class was designed to prepare us for high school and life through a series of lectures and field trips. 7 Habits for a Highly Successful Teen(?) was our textbook, and years later I still feel robbed by the course. I don't feel highly successful. And those chapters of self esteem, self worth, life goals...BS.
Jamie (that's her name) and I were in the same class. We didn't even talk to each other for the first half of the semester. But then our teacher made us take that personality test, and based on our results we were separated into groups for the rest of that class period. Jamie and I were the only two people in the class who were INFP's. And we bonded over this quickly.
She was a talented writer and artist and sarcastic as hell. When Marie and I were having problems in AP English, Jamie helped us make t-shirts with quotes on it about 'people (our classmates) being sheep (because they were)'. She hung out with us in the library during lunch, and was a willing participant in our disdain for high school.
Of course as soon as we crossed that graduation stage, Jamie moved out of the state, and I didn't really keep in touch with her until recently when she contacted me on facebook. Anyway, before I left SC I stopped at the gas station and ran into her. She was working there. And she was excited to see me. We hugged for minutes and when we pulled back we talked about our life adventures since high school. She's a mom now. She lives in small town USA. She finds her life weird now, but she's happy. And I said I was happy. And then we promised each other we'd stay in touch. And then she was gone. And I was gone.
And though I was happy to see her, I hated seeing her at the gas station. She was the most talented writer I knew in school. She was nerdy and dark and I use to think in ten years everyone would regret not knowing Jamie. And there she was. Only 5 years after graduating school, working at the gas station. And here I am 5 years after graduating school working in retail. There I go again, seeing myself in someone else. Despite how different the circumstances are.
But sometimes I don't know if what I am doing will...work. I am putting everything into my life write now. And I don't know if it will pay off or not. I don't know if New York was the best choice. I don't know. But then I realize that going back to small town USA isn't going to be any better.
My head is all over the place. I am tired and moody. And though I have a day off, I keep preparing myself for work. I keep looking at the clock and counting down the hours until I have to head in. But I don't. It's a little weird having a day off.
Tomorrow is moving day. I have my certified check (rent) ready, and my bags not yet packed. I did find pleasure in walking around Target this afternoon comparing the prices of bookshelves. The room is furnished, but I want to personalize it as much as I can (without many items) so that I enjoy coming back to my space. I brought my prayer flags from home, and I am looking for a nice bookshelf to purchase for all of my books. PLUS....New Kid Matt (crush slowly forming) introduced me to The Strand a couple of week ago and I am planning a trip soon to indulge in my book obsession. I'll need a bookshelf by the time I am done with that store. There goes the excitement I was looking for!
I have a long week ahead of me. Moving. Working. Applying. Sleeping.
I am in a weird mood this week. As soon as I got back to New York I was filled with a sense of "man I don't want to be here anymore". It didn't help that an hour after I arrived in this fair state, I headed to work for a closing shift. Yeah. I'm a wage whore.
I don't regret my decision to move here after graduation, but damn it all to hell some days I would rather be anywhere else. It could be the vacation lag I am feeling. After several days of my big bed and dinner on the table every night. I may be going through a 'home withdrawal' that will have to wear itself out.
But I still feel like crap. And this feeling (the weird what the fudge am I doing, where can I hide) stems from nervs. I know this. I am excited about moving (tomorrow!), I am excited about diving into this production thing head first, I am looking forward to...everything I guess. But that doesn't stop me from being nervous. Doesn't stop me from fearing change despite how much I look forward to it.
Before I left South Carolina I ran into an old friend from high School. I wrote a detailed post about this encounter last night, but I haven't posted it yet. I may never. But she was someone that Marie and I hung out with in school because she hated high school as much as we did. She always reminded me of DARIA, very withdrawn, monotone voice, lack of affect. But there was something I liked in her. Something we both liked about her.
We met in the 9th grade because EVERY freshman had to take a Strategies for Success class. The class was designed to prepare us for high school and life through a series of lectures and field trips. 7 Habits for a Highly Successful Teen(?) was our textbook, and years later I still feel robbed by the course. I don't feel highly successful. And those chapters of self esteem, self worth, life goals...BS.
Jamie (that's her name) and I were in the same class. We didn't even talk to each other for the first half of the semester. But then our teacher made us take that personality test, and based on our results we were separated into groups for the rest of that class period. Jamie and I were the only two people in the class who were INFP's. And we bonded over this quickly.
She was a talented writer and artist and sarcastic as hell. When Marie and I were having problems in AP English, Jamie helped us make t-shirts with quotes on it about 'people (our classmates) being sheep (because they were)'. She hung out with us in the library during lunch, and was a willing participant in our disdain for high school.
Of course as soon as we crossed that graduation stage, Jamie moved out of the state, and I didn't really keep in touch with her until recently when she contacted me on facebook. Anyway, before I left SC I stopped at the gas station and ran into her. She was working there. And she was excited to see me. We hugged for minutes and when we pulled back we talked about our life adventures since high school. She's a mom now. She lives in small town USA. She finds her life weird now, but she's happy. And I said I was happy. And then we promised each other we'd stay in touch. And then she was gone. And I was gone.
And though I was happy to see her, I hated seeing her at the gas station. She was the most talented writer I knew in school. She was nerdy and dark and I use to think in ten years everyone would regret not knowing Jamie. And there she was. Only 5 years after graduating school, working at the gas station. And here I am 5 years after graduating school working in retail. There I go again, seeing myself in someone else. Despite how different the circumstances are.
But sometimes I don't know if what I am doing will...work. I am putting everything into my life write now. And I don't know if it will pay off or not. I don't know if New York was the best choice. I don't know. But then I realize that going back to small town USA isn't going to be any better.
My head is all over the place. I am tired and moody. And though I have a day off, I keep preparing myself for work. I keep looking at the clock and counting down the hours until I have to head in. But I don't. It's a little weird having a day off.
Tomorrow is moving day. I have my certified check (rent) ready, and my bags not yet packed. I did find pleasure in walking around Target this afternoon comparing the prices of bookshelves. The room is furnished, but I want to personalize it as much as I can (without many items) so that I enjoy coming back to my space. I brought my prayer flags from home, and I am looking for a nice bookshelf to purchase for all of my books. PLUS....New Kid Matt (crush slowly forming) introduced me to The Strand a couple of week ago and I am planning a trip soon to indulge in my book obsession. I'll need a bookshelf by the time I am done with that store. There goes the excitement I was looking for!
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