Oh Lindsay...

So Lindsay Lohan is going to Rehab again for coke and partying and i am still trying to get my financial aid shit together so i can go to summer school. I think fate is against me. I don't want to party and snort coke, i just want to go to summer school and even that is becoming hard to do.

I like school. Trust me. I was always big on it when i was younger, probably because it was free, but sometimes it seems ridiculous to me that i have to pay(or at least be in terrible debt) for wanting to get an education. There are some days(once again with these some days) where i want to throw my hands up at college in general. Drop out(full of debt of course), and just go on with my life.

I don't post it ,because i am too embarrassed and jealous, but i read or rather look at a popular Canadian photo blog of this kid my age who have chosen to do other things with his life. Forgoing college he has taken up a career to be a photographer. His photo-blog is full of laughter and freedom that he and his very attractive friends have while enjoying parties, concerts and band photo shoots, without the look of "Oh shit when i get out of school i am going to be in so much debt" on their face.

I swear that is what my face look like every morning and night.

I don't think of dropping out often, and i would never do it, but there is always the frustration with school and money issues, and crap like that. There has always been this small part of me, my very impulsive side, that just wants to go "F this, I'm heading to Europe for a year to find myself(whatever that means) call the cell to reach me"

Sometimes i don't know if the benefits of going to college out weighs everything else. But i only feel that way I'm frustrated. I only feel like booking plans to England in a heartbeat over returning to another semester of debt full college when i have to think about how to pay for all this stuff. It just seems unfair. Just saying.

Anyway.

My memorial day was spent driving 4 hours to pick up my brother who was stranded in another town, and 4 hours driving brother back from town he was stranded in.

Last week my brother told me and my mother that we has heading to the beach with some friends for a 2 weeks. By friend of course he meant this new chick he has been seeing for a while. My brother has never been able to stay anywhere for a 2 weeks. NEVER. So me and my mom were making bets on how long he would really make it.

We were kind of happy he was leaving. My brother is loud, and messy, and smokes in the house. He scares the cats, eats everything in sight, and still manages to ask my mother for money. He's pretty much a jackass. So 2 weeks without him, was like heaven on earth. The house was quiet, there was no smell of smoke, and most importantly i moved the cable box from his room into mine, and watched a million episodes of Howard Stern(I know, i know, but he's so funny).

My mom and i were having a pretty good Saturday(along with our pretty good week) until my brother called. We had spent the day at a vintage clothes store digging for funny tee shirts. Other than there being so many people cramped in this relatively small store, i came out with a few shirts and my mom bought this really cute skirt. As we were heading home, my brother called to tell us that A) the girls car had broken down B) it would cost 400 to fix C) he wanted to come home(though it took him 10 calls to tell my mom that)

And because my mom (and I to an extent) could not leave him there until the girl got the money to fix the car(2 more weeks) we were very reluctant to have him back. For a split second we had that look of "why pick him up?".

Now i sit in a smoke filled house, with my brother watching the Da Vinci Code as loud as possible so the neighbors can hear while playing a song that is grating to the ear.

Oh...Family, how i love thee.

F it i'm going to England to find myself (j/K of course) .

Some days...

I wish i was normal.

I mean, yeah i know, what is normal anyway? It should totally be a subjective thing. Normalcy should be based on how you view it, but honestly normalcy is more objective than anything else. And some days, just some days i trade being introverted, imaginative, and a loner any day just to know what Normal way, just to feel it.

I don't remember a time when anything was ever normal. There are no dinners at the table, family reunions, carpools. There was never a white picket fence, singing Christmas carols, or sleepovers at my house.

I was always kind of a loner, daydreaming more than living.

I think the only for of normalcy as i kid i had the pleasure of experiencing was when i went over to other people homes. And i have this grand revelation as to what normal looked like. Or at least the facade of normal they put on.

I know I'm interesting, i know i have a lot of potential to do good things, and i know my quirks make me who i am. But there are days when i am annoyed with myself, when i wish i could just be like everyone else, and not have anxiety, shyness, and a tinge of loneliness. Where i could just function like everyone else, and maybe then i would be happy.In that corny kind of Norman Rockwell happy.

Just some days anyway.

One week(hopefully) until Summer school. I'm looking forward to it.

Slowly Mending Fences

After Wednesday cat fight on the View (to my pleasure of course) i decided "Hey i should write Marie, so we don't have a fallout like Rosie and Elisabeth".

She sent me an email the other day after being unable to contact me via phone. She wrote:

Hey Beck,

I guess the evil organic monster destroyed you, or you've passed out from sheer exhaustion. Anyway just wanted to catch up and see what's going on...i.e do you have a nephew yet, are you ever getting a break, etc. I have officially finished the semester without tragic death, and without anything below a B :) I broke up with [my boyfriend] for being an ass, but maintain doggy visitation (I'm weird). [my sister] is moving in with me on June 1st commonly known as D day. I only need like 3 classes to graduate so I'm not taking any summer classes and have gotten a second job at the swine farm, which is not as gross as it sounds and is kind of fun....Hope to hear from you soon (gotta have somebody to bitch with)~:) Marie

How could i not respond to her after this. I admit sometimes i am horrible friend. I'm a great person to hang around, I'm funny, pretty much up for anything, and i try to keep conversations going. Sometimes in conversations i feel like a journalist, i ask questions without being overbearing...my mom says people like to talk about themselves, so the way to keep a fledgling conversation going is to ask questions about the other person. Though i rarely listen to my moms "GUIDE TO PEOPLE" advice, in this case she has been proven somewhat right.

The reason why i can sometimes be a horrible friend is because i don't really like talking on the phone. I rarely call, email, send smoke signals out to people. When i was 12, i could spend at least 2 hours on the phone with my BFF. When i was 8, i called my friend everyday. I use to jump on the kitchen counter, dial her number by heart and talk endlessly which is weird because she lived right around the corner. I use to love the phone, i use to call people, but i just don't anymore.

The only way me and Marie talk is if she calls me. I don't take initiative, i should really start. Taking initiative is a big deal, i remember my journalism teacher said it was the one thing i lacked. Of course I hated her after that. But she was right, i lack it not only in my journalistic ability(which is none) but also in my life. My lack of initiative comes from fear. Fear of...I don't know. I guess friends, taking the initiative to get closer, may lead me to be hurt by them. Creatively, fear of finishing anything, because someone might think it royally sucks. Taking an initiative to create a life with friends, family and a boyfriend, because i fear that i may not possibly be able to do so.

But i think i have to start taking initiative, put all those fears behind me, and move forward. Make efforts, and test the waters.

First initiative, writing Marie back and stop ignoring her.

HEY!!

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Organic was crazy hard, and after spending a whole semester studying for it i was pretty wiped out. I've officially changed my major to English, shocking i know, but my professors say i have this thing called TALENT(who knew) for creative writing, so I've been working on my writing more than biology and chemistry books these days. I'm taking both summer sessions, to get caught up with the English requirements, and I still have to squeeze in my bio and chem minors. Sounds incredibly fun i know, but someones got to do it. I do have a nephew now, his name is Elijah Daniel...I hate the middle name(benjamin was so much nicer). Mom and Morgan have been going crazy with the baby pictures. He's a cute kid but seriously how much clothes does the kid need, i think at this point he has more clothes than i do and he's only like 2 weeks old. Just saying. Doggy Visitation? you are seriously like the only person who would require doggy visitation, HILARIOUS. I'm sorry [Boyfriend] was/is being an ass, and i'm also sorry about D day hopefully it won't be THAT bad. I'll be home until June 3rd or the 4th, i can't remember which. We can do something this weekend, if you are free, i don't think my mom has anymore chores for me to do, and the tiredness is being to wear off. Just call, my phone is always low on battery or I've misplaced it(i hate my phone), but I'll keep it strapped to me if i have too.

Talk to you later

Beckett

Job well done if i do say so myself, minus the lying about the cell phone thing. But whatever.

Mallrats.

I hate the mall. Absolutely, completely despise the mall. Even though i can pass for a highschooler, i hate walking into the place where everyone is dressed like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, minus model height and general hotness.

My mom has been bugging me to get summer clothes(do we see a trend, get summer clothes; decorate room). To an extent she is right, I'm not really into summer clothing. Barely there dresses, tank tops and skirts were never my thing. I like cardigans, and t-shirts, and jeans. I LOVE JEANS. But as the temp goes up, there is no way that i can walk out of the house with a sweater and jeans on unless i seriously want to pass out in the middle of a department store.

But the problem is that the stores i like are not in my incredibly small town. I dig Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, and Anthropologie . Instead of going to hot topic, i know opt for buying my band tees off of their website, since hottopic only seems to buy death metal t-shirts. Not that there is anything wrong with death metal, just that i don't really want to wear a slipknot t-shirt. Just saying.

Unfortunately the stores that i like are not in close proximity, and so instead i went searching around town for summer clothing. Old Navy hates me. The clothes literally hang on me as if i am a hanger. It's pretty sad to shop there, which is why i don't. So then we headed to the mall.

It's the first time i have been anxious in a long time. I was surrounded by grown adults,little children, and teenagers who were literally wearing the same clothes. We stopped in some store that was like a weird "This is how we think people in California dress" place, and i literally dragged around for 15 minutes. My mom was picking clothes left and right that "everyone is wearing" and shoved them in my face. Of course she doesn't understand that "everyone" is 15 year old girls and boys who are wanting so desperately to fit in, they have become all the same. Trust me, at a time in my life i was that teenager. When the new school year came around i begged my mom to take me to coolest clothes shop for shoes and shirts that we make me the "new and improved me".

But... after a while, you realize that just because you put on a shirt that from Abercrombie and Fitch doesn't mean you are instantly warped into a new person. So i stopped caring, and by senior year, you'd be lucky if i bought a new book bag. The truth is, i know it's a teenager thing, i don't even mind it, but I'm not that kid anymore, who cares about if I'm wearing the same corny plaid shorts that are "in style", or that someone takes notice that i matched my hair clip with my belt.

I like the way i dress. I have no problem with it and the sooner my mom realizes that, the sooner she will save money on a 34 dollar shirt i am never going to wear. This shirt was this "I'm going to the beach, with my boyfriend Todd and his surfer friends". I tried it on in the parking lot and my mom said my boobs looked like tennis balls, the shirt was so tight. She later returned it, and i later order a Sufjan Stevens t-shirt, and another t-shirt that said "My future is so bright i need shades". CUTE.

Anyway, i have been avoiding Marie since my birthday. Which would be going on 3 months now. I don't know what it is that makes me not answer the phone when she calls. I feel like a horrible person, i feel like a horrible friend. A part of me is jealous of Marie, she has a boyfriend, and friends, and a clear idea of what she wants to do with her life, and for the most part she can do it. She is brilliant, i mean really smart, and knows her professors, and has a car, and an apartment...and i don't have any of those things. I have one friend, a car that doesn't work, i don't even have a crush.

It wouldn't be so bad, if she didn't rub it in my face. I don't think she does it on purpose, but i can't get a word in otherwise without her talking about her boyfriend, or her boyfriend, or her boyfriend. And when she isn't talking about her boyfriend she is talking about how well everything is going for her. I don't think we have any conversations about our interest, about movies or books, or anything. We just talk about her life, and too extent i feel like i don't even exist.

So that's actually what i have been doing for 2 months, not existing in her life for a while. Screening calls, and ignoring emails. But i figure i can't go on like this forever, eventually I'll have to pick up the phone and say something. I guess in a friendship i want there to be some two way appreciation for each others life. And unfortunately i don't think that is happening with us... i don't know. Sooner or later I'll have to pick up, answer back.

Until then...back to writing. I've stocked up on writing notebooks, and a writing play list on my Ipod. Now i just need a plot, some characters, and ending and I'm good.

A Student of Living Things.

What a long week. I was pretty depressed( forgot how that felt) last week after final exams. The reason i was so upset about my math grade was because i seriously studied for that exam. I mean more than any other exam at my University.

I don't mind bombing a test if i know that i didn't put any effort into it, if I'm just hoping to slide by. But this math test i was wholly invested in, the library saw me more that week than any other week. I made note cards, and had a binder full of math problems, i studied with Mike, I studied alone, i looked up math problems on his website. By Monday i was pumped to take the math exam, i was explaining crap to Mike before the exam, i was ready. READY. Even during the test i was like "Oh MY GOD I KNOW ALL OF THIS", I was sure I at least made a 75, and with half credit from the other problems i would make at least a B-.

I checked, re-checked, re-re checked, and left the class pretty confidant that i didn't bomb. So needless to say when i got back my class grade i was a little pissed, but more sad because my best wasn't good enough. And i felt like a failure. At least for a couple of days any way.

But of course everyone was right, and even a part of me knew that grades don't dictate intelligence. I am a smart kid who unfortunately has spent too much time studying things that have no interest in me. I finished a book yesterday called "A Student of Living Things". It kind of sucked but i like the title. The girl in it was a biology student but her mother called her a "Student of Living Things". Writing is what i do, it's who i am, so I'm trying to be more focused on it and become a "Student of documented living Experiences", as soon as i realized that the depression faded away. I'm taking 3 English classes this semester and a psych class(the only thing open), I've begun looking at some grad schools for writing, an internship or two, and have started a writing portfolio(whatever the hell that is).

A content feeling has slipped in, and i have been enjoying it ever since. I thought coming home would be a little odd, i felt so changed this year that i didn't know how being home would feel. I didn't know if i would become the extremely anxious person all over again, but I've been strong. I have checked out some library books, bought some Cd's, turned the AC up, and been doing my own thing (of course with the cats at my side).

My mom has insisted that i decorate my room, so i feel comfortable when i com home. So far I've bought an end table, and a lamp. I'm going for a European theme, but no so overboard seeing that I'm heading back to school in 3 weeks for Summer Session 1.

Beside decorating i have a reading and movie list that i must complete.

BOOKS:
Little Children, Family History, Shop Girl, and Three Dollars.

Movies:
Pans Labyrinth, The Science of Sleep, Spiderman 3(not my choice), and Little Children(movie adaptation).

7 Random Facts.

...Sorry about the lack of posts, I'm getting back into the swing of things since returning home from school. A regular post tomorrow, but for now here are several random facts about me because i was tagged , sometime last week.

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS.

1. I read Perez Hilton almost religiously. I know he is bad and awful and totally celeb obsessed, which for the most part is everything i am against. But his post are hilarious, sometimes, and i can't stop reading them. I haven't put him on my sidebar simply because of shame. He is my guilty pleasure


2. I make music videos for my favorite songs. I don't literally make them, but if i hear a song and i really like it, i create a music video concept for it, via my notebook(scribbling down things) or simply as mental images. I've done this for John Mayer songs, Maroon 5 Songs, and Bjork. Recently i have visualized a video for Feist's "My Moon My Man" and every time i hear the song on my Ipod, i cant help but see it playing mentally in my head.


3. I have really small feet. Not oddly small that it's weird, but just smaller than some of the big footed people i know. They aren't really ideal when trying to buy really cute shoes because they never have my size( 5 1/2-6) , but they look cute in sandals.


4. I'm a simple picky eater. I usually order the same thing at a restaurant, and will rarely divert from that order. I only eat plain pizza, plain hamburgers, and plain hot dogs. I only like strawberry ice cream and at ice cream places i will order just the cone. My mom says at least I'm an easy person to shop for.


5. I write in books that aren't mine. I don't do it on purpose i just forget sometimes. I like finding notes that people leave in books, scribbles in the margins, names and words that don't make any sense to me. Eventually i started to do it too, reading books with a pencil in my hand just in case anything important needs to be written down. It began with underlining passages that seemed significant to eventually writing in the margins. I wonder when the library will catch on.


6. I use to watch the Gilmore Girls. WHAT? WHEN? WHY? I wouldn't be able to explain it to you. But it was a fluke accident one weekend when they had those stupid reruns on the family channel. I kind of thought it was funny and sweet and wanted desperately to be like Rory or Lorelai. My Gilmore crush soon ended though because i realized i had never in my LIFE seen, heard, been a witness to any daughter mother relationship like the one the show depicted and I became irritated with the characters(except Luke and Jess). Sometimes i get drawn in, but for the most part if i see it i will turn the channel. Though secretly I'm hoping to have that relationship with my non existent daughter.


7. I think suspenders are sexy.

Time to lounge and read a book. Marie has been calling like crazy, it's been 2 months since I've talked to her. Yes i know I'm horrible, but at least i don't have to hear about her boyfriend.

LOW.

Feeling kind of low.

Grades are coming in and this semester has been a bust.

I'm not an idiot i know this. I am certain of this. But i can't help but feel like an idiot after studying relentlessly for a math exam that didn't go as planned.( and by relentlessly i meant Friday, Saturday, and Sunday without TV or music, emersed in math). Or even(and by even i mean epsecially) after taking a Bio exam that didn't go as planned either, and thus i am feeling low. Very low. Lowest then the lowest academic low i have ever felt. And i feel like crawling under the sheets. A blow to the ego....yes. But more importantly it's a blow to what i know i am capable of doing and what i can put forth.

Why did i have to figure out what i wanted to do during my junior year of college. It could have saved me and my GPA a look of heartache.

I have already changed my summer classes from science oriented classes to more writing focused ones. I'm both looking foward to it, and incredibly scared. My mom told me to keep my head up...and after sulking and hiding under the covers, i grew tired of wallowing...So i'm trying to keep my head above water, but i'm not ready just yet.

Exhausted.

Exam week is over. I got about 5 hours of sleep last night(this morning. Who knows).

Spent all morning in Library.

Studied ass off for Bio Exam.

Ran into Short Boy's Ex-Girlfriend, my current friend, who talked to me for about 45 minutes about crazy party.

Apparently she has parent problems also (there is starting to be a pattern here).

Went back to studying for Bio Exam.

Felt confidant about bio exam.

Got to bio exam.

Didn't feel so confidant anymore. There was a lot of "What the fuck is this" running through my mind, followed by "i don't remember this shit being in my notes" thoughts, finally resulting in "Bsing here i go". The exam was so stupid. Crazy guy( guy me and Mike have taken a million classes with, who has a horrible temper problem) kept sighing and grunting during the test. I was surprisingly sitting next to the dude who i mistakenly had a crush on last semester(long story) and who has been scooping me out all year. I once caught him in Chem class staring, it was pretty weird. I believe fate brought us together today, unfortunately fate couldn't throw some answers my way.

I'm tired and exhausted and i have to clean the refrigerator that i never used because i was assigned it via my roomies. Apparently there was a meeting i was unaware of where they signed cleaning contracts(everyone in the hall has to do it). I of course was not called to this meeting, and got the crap end of the deal having to clean the hardest(because it is the dirtiest) appliance in the apartment.

Very frustrated. Very.

Coming Out...

I just came out of the closet. OMG!!!!

Okay so no I have not secretly started crushing on girls. Not that there is anything wrong with that. If it wasn't for my total attraction to boys with pretty eyes and dark hair who look like Sufjan Stevens, i would totally be gay. But unfortunately girls just do not do it for me. I like my art boys with scruffy faces, disheveled hair, and a hint of "i haven't showered in a few days" masculinity.

I came out in another sense. I came out of the WRITING closet. Whenever i watched a documentary about gay teens i was always heartbroken with there coming out stories. You hear a whole array of the good("they always kind of knew), the bad("my father stopped talking to me"), the ugly("i have basically been disowned"). I literally watched with tears in my eyes, wanting to give them all a rainbow hug.

I guess what really got to me was this whole idea of closets, be it a gay or otherwise, there are closets for everything, because closets hide secrets. And who would people be without a shit load of secrets.

I have been hiding a secret from my mother, a secret that was killing me. I was born this way, and even though i have tried to change it for other people, it's just a part of who i am, and i can't be happy without everyone knowing this part of me. I Beckett Amelia Hughes am a writer. I love it, and i think it loves me. And i don't think I'm going to be a doctor( especially after taking Ochem this semester. I'd rather not talk about it. Just know that it went badly, very badly)

So after talking on the phone with her for about a half an hour, i smoothly inserted the comment "someone mentioned that i was a good writer again" and from there i was off. I began telling her that i think this maybe something that i am good at, that this is sort of a passion and i think i can succeed at it.

At first she was sort of like "what about Med School" Shit. I was dreading that. I told her that technically people are always going to be sick, and that it wasn't like the profession of healing the sick would fade away. But if i let this fade away i would spend the rest of my life wondering "what if". What if i had taken a chance on a dream. What if i had believed in myself once in my whole life and invested in something that i am good at. I could make money, i could have fun, and i am confidant that i can do this.

And then there was silence. The longest silence of my whole entire life.

I was expecting the worst. The good, bad and/or the ugly. I felt like for her whole life she has expected me to be a doctor. To save lives, and make money after paying off a billion student loans. I felt like she was seeing her aspirations for me fade down the toilet. I was expecting the worst

But instead i got.."Sounds great".

WHAT?!!?!?!?

She doesn't care if i want to be a doctor or not, she just assumed it was something that i wanted to do, so she was behind me all the way. I said i wanted to be a doctor, so she supported me. Apparently i could be a painter, or a shoe salesman, a accountant, and/or a lawyer and she would just want me to be...HAPPY..

WHAT?!?!?!??!!?

And with that my coming out was over. We talked about my Alice story, and my English professor, and my idiot brother. She's okay with whatever makes me happy, and what makes me happy is writing.

So i think i'm going to be a writer.

Holy Shit i'm freaking out. I'm going to be a f*cking writer.

Suddenly I See.

So I'm a little late on the Kt Tunstall trail. I've known about her for a while, even posted some lyrics by her, but i just recently bought her CD, and just recently began loving "Suddenly I see" which has been in every Tv promo. Seriously, Ugly Betty, Grey's Anatomy, Las Vegas, Dateline, Csi(okay exaggerating but you get the point) Today though, it was a very fitting song.

Today was my last day of therapy. What? Who? When? Wasn't it last week? I thought my last session was last week, i was prepared for it to be my last week, until i inadvertently scheduled another session. I guess we had both grown so accustomed to making a schedule every week, that we made another one on finals week. I know the last session was going to be rough, especially after she told me she was just interning for the semester and was returning to her own school next fall.

The truth i suck at saying goodbye. I suck at it so much i can't even do it in normal conversation. I just fade out of the conversation slowly and then creep away hoping that by the time they recognize my absence i will have been long gone. My dad never says goodbye on the phone, he says goodbye's are permanent, so instead we awkwardly say "Talk to you later" "Yeah Love you" "Love you too" "Bye" "don't say Bye" "I mean see you later" "Okay..."

That goes on for like 5 minutes until i just hang up the phone.

In the last year my therapist has been my biggest support. It was as if they perfectly matched me up with someone who would get me through this thing called anxiety. At first i was hesitant to go, damn Tom Cruise and his psycho ideas. I thought perhaps i could get through it on my own, but i quickly realized i had been doing that for the last couple of years and had gotten no where.

So together we embarked on this crazy weird journey called therapy. This being her internship, and me being a very sad girl. I can't even begin to explain how incredible it has been. I have cried, she has laughed, i have cursed, she has cursed with me, and she has made me feel like i am not a big weirdo. It's weird because sometimes you need someone in the real world, to assure that you are a functioning human being.

She has remarked on my charm, which i thought i never had. My humor, which i thought i never had, and my adorableness, which i kind of knew i had but need some reassuring sometimes. We have worked through family problems, friend problems, job problems, and boy problems, and amazingly i have grown from it. I feel so different that it's scary some days. I mean i still get depressed, anxious, and scared but i have learned to not remain that way forever.

In an odd way, we became friends. She said a million times that she was learning and growing right along with me, and some how i believed her.

So today i walked in with dread, knowing that this was going to be my last session. She also appeared sad,which made it ever harder to say...goodbye. I started off talking about how me and short girl oddly became friends, my last day of work, my commitment to trying to become a writer(you heard it hear), and yadda yadda yadda. As the minutes ticked by we started talking about my success in therapy, and then the waterworks began.

She started telling me about how proud she was of me. That i made impact on her life with these sessions, that if i could see the way she saw me my anxiety would be gone. That great things awaited me, and she is more than certain that i will be a great famous writer.

At this point i started crying. I mean balling. She is holding back the tears, i am grabbing tissues left and right as we basically start talking about the impact we have had on one another. I'm saying she's great, she's saying I'm great. We're both saying we are going to miss each other, it's like a lifetime movie. She's the Whoppie Golderberg to my Susanna Kaysen(Girl Interrupted reference. Great movie. Check it out)

When my session was up we were both dreading it to be over. We remained seated, trying to move and get up, but remained glued. I kept saying "we can do this, one step and i am out the door, thank for holding my hand, but mainly thank you for letting me go and be brave." After a few moments we both got up and I had to have given her the hugest hug ever, crying on her shirt, as she cried on mine. We pulled away eventually, and she walked me to the elevator. One last hug, a see you later, and the elevator doors sealed the end of my session with Kacey. I of course had the misfortune of being in the elevator, wiping at my eyes, with a total hottie watching me, but i didn't care.

for once i wasn't ashamed of my tears, i walked proudly down the street with them, because they weren't tears of sadness, but tears of growth, and i am ever changed by her. I thanked her for getting me on the right path, because truthfully she did.

And as i am walking down the street i hear that damn song "Suddenly i see" out of nowhere. I was expecting the opening credits to roll, and was even prepared to do a Mary Tyler Moore in the middle of Bull Street. I feel liberated, i feel good, and not in the cheesy hallmark way, but in "I'm making strides way."

I'm going miss my Wednesdays, but I'm happy to have had them, they have changed my life forever.

Final Exam Week

Finals week is upon me. What a holy mess that is going to be.

My school gives us one day called "reading day" in which we are suppose to study our asses off before finals start tomorrow.

I just woke up, so i have yet to fully comprehended the idea of "studying" even though i know i must do it. Especially since round one of exam is Me Vs. OCHEM. YUCK.

I exempted from taking my hot professors English exam so I'm just hoping i made an A on the paper to make an A in the class. Other English Professor test is on Saturday (who knows why) and because he seems to be a hard grader, i have to study for that.

Then i have math Monday. Biology Tuesday and i have decided to head home on Wednesday instead of Tuesday, just to give me an extra day of freedom. My mom kind of sounded sad that i didn't want to come home readily, but I agree with Kbryna, that i seriously need to take care of me, instead of everyone around me for a change. I have my book and location already picked out to lounge around.

This has been a very weird semester. Yesterday was my last day of work and surprisingly people seemed sad. My boss had a shocked look on her face when i said it was my last day, and then she made this sudden frantic "are you coming back next semester"

ME: Probably, I'll stop by in August to tell you for sure though.
Boss: Thank GOD!!!!!

It was half relief, half sadness, and excitement. When i asked her what had suddenly come over her, she was like

Boss: It would be a pleasure for you to come back, we seriously need you here.

I couldn't help but feeling a little good about myself. For once i was a needed participate to someone, and they had taken notice, and they wanted me back.

And surprisingly though i spent most of the semester ignoring her, me and Short Boy's girlfriend, Amanda, became allies in the last week. I think she may have even become my friend, we exchanged numbers and email address. We talked about getting a new job, possibly at the mall so we can near each other, and she was generally sad that i was leaving. *Pats on Back*, I felt incredibly good yesterday, like Mary Tyler Moore.

Katherine sent me another email. I have pretty much ignored it, wanting to stay as far away from that woman as possibly. Though the way our friendship ended wasn't ideal, I'm not trying to fix the wrongs by becoming her friend again. I just can't do that. No matter how bad i miss being a good influence on her kids, there is no way in hell that i would get myself in that situation again, especially with the same person.

I guess this final week isn't only about wrapping up school, but it's collectively wrapping up everything i have learned this year. And for the most part i fee like I've done a pretty good job of it. I feel like thing are getting better, or at least I am.

This week and next week are going to be long. I'll try to post, when i can.

Wish me luck.