Suddenly I See.

So I'm a little late on the Kt Tunstall trail. I've known about her for a while, even posted some lyrics by her, but i just recently bought her CD, and just recently began loving "Suddenly I see" which has been in every Tv promo. Seriously, Ugly Betty, Grey's Anatomy, Las Vegas, Dateline, Csi(okay exaggerating but you get the point) Today though, it was a very fitting song.

Today was my last day of therapy. What? Who? When? Wasn't it last week? I thought my last session was last week, i was prepared for it to be my last week, until i inadvertently scheduled another session. I guess we had both grown so accustomed to making a schedule every week, that we made another one on finals week. I know the last session was going to be rough, especially after she told me she was just interning for the semester and was returning to her own school next fall.

The truth i suck at saying goodbye. I suck at it so much i can't even do it in normal conversation. I just fade out of the conversation slowly and then creep away hoping that by the time they recognize my absence i will have been long gone. My dad never says goodbye on the phone, he says goodbye's are permanent, so instead we awkwardly say "Talk to you later" "Yeah Love you" "Love you too" "Bye" "don't say Bye" "I mean see you later" "Okay..."

That goes on for like 5 minutes until i just hang up the phone.

In the last year my therapist has been my biggest support. It was as if they perfectly matched me up with someone who would get me through this thing called anxiety. At first i was hesitant to go, damn Tom Cruise and his psycho ideas. I thought perhaps i could get through it on my own, but i quickly realized i had been doing that for the last couple of years and had gotten no where.

So together we embarked on this crazy weird journey called therapy. This being her internship, and me being a very sad girl. I can't even begin to explain how incredible it has been. I have cried, she has laughed, i have cursed, she has cursed with me, and she has made me feel like i am not a big weirdo. It's weird because sometimes you need someone in the real world, to assure that you are a functioning human being.

She has remarked on my charm, which i thought i never had. My humor, which i thought i never had, and my adorableness, which i kind of knew i had but need some reassuring sometimes. We have worked through family problems, friend problems, job problems, and boy problems, and amazingly i have grown from it. I feel so different that it's scary some days. I mean i still get depressed, anxious, and scared but i have learned to not remain that way forever.

In an odd way, we became friends. She said a million times that she was learning and growing right along with me, and some how i believed her.

So today i walked in with dread, knowing that this was going to be my last session. She also appeared sad,which made it ever harder to say...goodbye. I started off talking about how me and short girl oddly became friends, my last day of work, my commitment to trying to become a writer(you heard it hear), and yadda yadda yadda. As the minutes ticked by we started talking about my success in therapy, and then the waterworks began.

She started telling me about how proud she was of me. That i made impact on her life with these sessions, that if i could see the way she saw me my anxiety would be gone. That great things awaited me, and she is more than certain that i will be a great famous writer.

At this point i started crying. I mean balling. She is holding back the tears, i am grabbing tissues left and right as we basically start talking about the impact we have had on one another. I'm saying she's great, she's saying I'm great. We're both saying we are going to miss each other, it's like a lifetime movie. She's the Whoppie Golderberg to my Susanna Kaysen(Girl Interrupted reference. Great movie. Check it out)

When my session was up we were both dreading it to be over. We remained seated, trying to move and get up, but remained glued. I kept saying "we can do this, one step and i am out the door, thank for holding my hand, but mainly thank you for letting me go and be brave." After a few moments we both got up and I had to have given her the hugest hug ever, crying on her shirt, as she cried on mine. We pulled away eventually, and she walked me to the elevator. One last hug, a see you later, and the elevator doors sealed the end of my session with Kacey. I of course had the misfortune of being in the elevator, wiping at my eyes, with a total hottie watching me, but i didn't care.

for once i wasn't ashamed of my tears, i walked proudly down the street with them, because they weren't tears of sadness, but tears of growth, and i am ever changed by her. I thanked her for getting me on the right path, because truthfully she did.

And as i am walking down the street i hear that damn song "Suddenly i see" out of nowhere. I was expecting the opening credits to roll, and was even prepared to do a Mary Tyler Moore in the middle of Bull Street. I feel liberated, i feel good, and not in the cheesy hallmark way, but in "I'm making strides way."

I'm going miss my Wednesdays, but I'm happy to have had them, they have changed my life forever.