So, where do i begin. From the beginning I suspect. That always seems to be the best place.
So, the last couple of days have been hell. There has been a lot of crying and fuming and throwing things followed by watching re-runs of buffy and listening to Dave Matthews. I'm not a drinker but i've wanted nothing more than to drown the last few days in a bottle of something that burns going down. It's been that kind of week.
Last Thursday Sean and I hung out on Valentines Day.When he asked me to go to see a movie with him I was a) elated and b) weird-ed out that on all the days for us to officially hang out outside of the comfort of my room, his car or work he decided Valentine's Day would be the perfect time. I will always like this boy. I know this. Whatever idea or image of him that i've created in my head will not be shaken until we have both gone our separate ways. Until he joins the air-force or I find a guy who likes me back or he ups and marries big head.
Until then i am stuck in the place where I am trying to be his friend because I am nothing else to him. I wish that I were but I am not. But i am not sure he is use to having friends or if he is use to having people around whose only want is to be around him. So when he asked me to go to the movies Thursday, because his girlfriend didn't want to hang out with him, I jumped at the chance to because in my mind it meant something. I may not be the girl for him but I am a girl that he enjoys hanging out with. The things I'll settle for.
Anyway, the day itself was actually pretty great. I spent all of Wednesday expecting him to bail but he called right before and asked me if we were still on for the movies. I said yeah as long as it wasn't weird or awkward for him (or his girlfriend) and we planned to meet up after I got out of work to see Die Hard. I decided to dress very casually so he wouldn't think i mistook this as a date (skinny jeans. brown boots. blouse). I also took out money so that I could buy my own ticket as soon as i got to the theater. While a little part of me wanted to believe that this was some semi date with Sean, i knew in the back of my mind that I would be disappointed that it wasn't. So i kept telling myself that we were just going as two friends who didn't want to sit at home alone on Vday. We were just two people who like being around each other who wanted to see Die Hard.
I text him Thursday afternoon to tell him i am on my way to the theater. I, of course, get there first and because i haven't heard anything from him the whole day about meeting up i start to panic. He did say he wanted to see a movie right? Maybe he has changed his mind? Maybe i am being stood up? To ease my mind, I purchase my ticket and then run to the bathroom to breathe. The movie started at 5:20, it was only 5:00. I figured I would give him 15 minutes to show up and then i'd leave.
By 5:10 i still hadn't heard anything. This is where my panic slowly turned to depression and I started to gather my things. Just as I am making my way to the door I get a call from him saying he is outside. There was traffic, he couldn't find parking, hang on just a few more minutes i'll be there. When he arrives I am relieved, excited and fucking nervous because now this is real, He too is dressed very casually and he buys his ticket immediately and we head to our seats.
Because i have never hung out with anyone on Valentines Day I am initially surprised by how empty the theater is. Outside of a few couples, Sean and I are the only people under the age of 40 at the movies. I suspect it's because ideal vday plans do not include watching a crappy ass movie in the middle of the day. We take our seats and spend the next two hours awkwardly leaning into each other, whispering and laughing and trying to ignore the occasional leg touch/arm brush here and there on both our parts. I am relieved by how comfortable we are. He turns to me often during the movie and asks "if i am having a good time on our date" and while happy to hear the word, i know he is trying to be funny. But i tell him yes anyway and he brings his forehead to mine and rubs it affectionately.
When the movie ends we wait until the credits roll before getting up. He is convinced there will be some extra clip or something at the end to watch and I sit through every name of every person involved in the making of the movie because the boy is stubborn. As we sit the movie attendants make there way in to start cleaning and he frustratingly says 'can't they see we are on a date. we'll leave when we are ready'.
During the movie he leaned in really close to ask if we could finish watching James Bond at my house afterwards. Of course, still wanting to believe in some part of my mind that he has asked me to hang out because he likes me, I agree. So once we finally leave the theater we grab burgers and fries and head back to my house and like every other time he has been there, we slip into the ease of hanging out. As the movie is playing we ask each other questions about our day. He talks about a book he is reading and looks around my room a lot. I ask if he needs another pillow to support his back. He says he is having a really good time.
In the middle of James Bond he gets a call from his girlfriend and our moment of comfort is stilled while he takes the call. I am not annoyed by this pause but i am curious as to how this conversation is going to play out. I can hear her voice through his phone and she asks how his day is and where he is at. He says that he is hanging out with a friend but will be home soon. She asks if he is hanging out with his friend Cameron (i guess she is not a fan of this friend) and he says no "my friend beckett...is that okay". She replies 'sure, as long as it's not Cameron". Im not even a fucking threat to his girlfriend. She'd rather him spend valentines day with a girl then with a friend he gets drunk with occasionally i am a little peeved by this.
After the phone call he looks a little disinterested in hanging out anymore but he stays another 2 hours so we can surf the net and watch random youtube videos. Around midnight he says he should be getting home but before he leaves he asks if I had a good time. I tell him yes. I ask him if I was okay....to be around, you know, because I am still getting use to this hanging out thing and i feel bad for being the filler. He says I was great and that I made a good date.
That was our night in a nutshell. Very simple and uneventful yet great. And because i am a stupid silly girl with a belief in miracles and special moments I wanted to bottle last Thursday up in a mason jar so I could keep it with me always. When my anxiety was at its peak hanging out with anyone could provoke a panic attack. And here i am four years later hanging out with a boy i like on Valentines Day and I pulled it off. Was i nervous, yes? Did i feel like passing out, um, yes? But I did it and i survived and I was great.
As soon as he is out the door I tell myself that I will not tell anyone outside of Kat and my mom about my really nice Valentines Day for several reasons. 1) ain't no body's business. My job is a poll of gossip. Sean has a girlfriend and despite how casual we attempted to make last Thursday i didn't want to make it weird at work. 2) because we had such a nice time I wanted to keep the day to ourselves. I value my privacy a lot and what I do outside of work with my friends is important to me. Thursday was nice, really nice and the only two people who needed to know this was us.
As soon as I get to work the next day though Kat tells me that Sean asked her what she did on Valentines Day and then proceeded to tell her that we hung and stuff but she added that he said it "as if he wanted to make me jealous". I ask her to explain and she says that she was sitting in the break-room when Sean came in and stood around awkwardly near her. When she looked up from her book he asked her is she was busy. She said yes and then returned to reading. He then asked her what she did on Valentines Day. She said 'nothing, why how was your Valentine's Day" "Oh, it was fun. I had fun. Me and Beckett saw a movie and hung out. You know".
Now Kat already knew about my outing with Sean. Hell she was probably the first person i texted soon after he asked me. She does not like this boy though and has not been very supportive about my feelings for him especially after her falling out with Preacher Guy. Sean in turn doesn't like Kat and for some weird reason he is very threatened by our friendship. It's as if he is in a competition with Kat for who i like to be around more and because my relationship with both is different I don't really understand why he even feels the need to compete. So when Sean told Kat that we'd hung out on Valentines Day he did so to throw it in her face. And of course because Kat hates the boy she replied very angrily
"wow.... that's nice but what did your girlfriend think about it".
The moment that came out of her mouth Sean, i don't know, panicked I think. He kept asking Kat what she meant by her question? Why would his girlfriend think anything of it? She knows what it's like. He only hung out with me because his girlfriend is in Puerto Rico (a fucking lie!) Why would it be weird? I mean, c'mon, it's Beckett.
After Kat finishes telling me what Sean said I am more embarrassed then hurt. Or more hurt then embarrassed I couldn't understand why he felt the need to a) tell Kat that we hung out and then b) justify it by bringing his girlfriend up as if there was no way anything would have ever happened between us because 'i love my girl". Thursday was the most platonic interaction I have ever had with the boy and did not warrant a defense. But because I am use to Sean being a little shit, I let the exchange between them go. Thursday was so awesome that i wouldn't let his moment of panic ruin anything.
When I bump into Sean an hour or so later (by then Kat had left) I pretend as if I haven't seen him in a while. To be honest, I planned on saying little to him the whole night because i still wanted to give him the impression that Thursday wasn't a big deal. But the boy has different plans. He spends the first hour of our shift bringing up our 'date': the movie was terrible right, we had fun, i'm glad we watched james bond, omg can you believe how terrible the movie was, where are you going? can i go, hahaha, we had fun". I am a little annoyed because i saw no need for us to talk about Thursday, especially at work, but he wouldn't drop it.
After an hour of Sean following me around and talking about Thursday I retreat finally to the break room because he was getting on my nerves and I felt...smothered. A couple of my co-workers and managers were taking there break just then so I say hi and ask them all how they are doing. Suddenly Sean comes in out of nowhere and stands next to me while we are all chatting about something random. Out of nowhere Sean says "so me and Beckett saw a movie yesterday. It was really terrible. But yeah, yesterday we hung out". I turn around quickly and glare at him. I was trying to tell him to shut the fuck up with my eyes but he seemed to miss the expression. I leave the break-room and head to customer service where Sean, following behind me, asks me what Kat thought when she found out we hung out.
I tell him that she thought it was a little weird but was glad that I had a good time. I didn't want to let him know that she already knew about us hanging out. But i also didn't want to pretend like she didn't think it was a tad bit weird. So i tell him a half truth hoping he will stop being annoying and shut the hell up. But of course, he couldn't just let it go and this is where the boy seriously fucked up. This is where if he cared about me in the slightest he would have just left it alone. Instead he says "oh, cause when I came in Kat asked me what I did on Vday (another lie. he asked her) and I told her we hung out but that".....he laughs pompously...."that it wasn't like that cause she made it seem like, you know, it was weird that we hung out on Vday and you know, I told her my girlfriend knows what it is". At this point i am beginning to get upset. I know that he is going to say something that will hurt my feelings. I feel small and dumb and I know that a bubble is about to burst. So i tell him, I almost plead with him, to stop talking because I know that whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be terrible. But he doesn't listen and instead says:
"I told her that my girlfriend knows who I come home to at night. And that she is 'it' for me. She is my ideal. And that I'm like faithful and stuff and it wasn't a date. Thursday wasn't a date. Cause I'm like, with my girl and you know, isn't it funny that Kat would think it was weird that we hung out. I mean, c'mon"
My heart fell out of my chest. I felt like Drew Barrymore in never been kissed during the flashback of her prom experience. It felt like Sean had thrown eggs at my head and then called everyone over to laugh and point at me. He was the one who asked me to hang out on Valentine's Day. He was the one who went around telling everyone that we'd seen a movie. He's the one who tried to brag about it to my best friend. And there he was in my face telling me Thursday wasn't a big deal as if i'd gone around proclaiming my love for him. I felt embarrassed. I felt degraded and worst of all i felt that my lame ass attempt to be his friend was for nothing. Even now the memory of how I felt when he said this to me makes me cringe.
I completely shut down after he gives his little speech. He actually looks proud that his song and dance has gone...well. Worse he is sort of laughing about it as if I'd think it was funny too ('i mean c'mon what's Kat thinking, my girl is 'it' for me). I of course am seething. I can see only red and I want to hulk smash his face. Outside of the rage, I am hurt. Despite my crush I knew that I would never be anything romantic to Sean, so I settled for being his friend cause I wanted to have him in my life. And this THIS is how he treats my friendship. So instead of joining in with his laughter (cause really who would ever think Sean and I were dating) I tell him that I don't feel well and that he needs to get away from me. I don't even explain why, i just tell him that I have to get away from him or else. Before he can even utter a word I make a mad dash for the bathroom and have a full on panic attack. There are tears and hyperventilating and anger. It's one thing to tell a girl that you are not interested in her. It is another thing to rub it in her face because you are immature.
When I finally calm down Sean immediately knows I am mad at him. He asks what is wrong and I tell him that he needs to work on the way he words things...because sometimes, the things he says can come out insensitive and hurtful. He makes a face like "oh, i get it" and then starts to say "but i was just trying to clear up..." And this is where I fucking lose it. This is where I am like 'why the fuck do i care about this boy. A boy who has sent me to get dog food for his girlfriend, who actually considered dating a 17 year old when his girlfriend and him where on a break, and who had the motherfucking nerve to tell me that Thursday didn't mean anything to him as if to make sure we were on the same page". So I get agitated, and my voice is tense and high and i think i yell:
"Sean. I know that I am not your girlfriend. You have made that perfectly clear from the beginning. I am not your girlfriend. Yesterday was not a date! And It meant nothing! So why the fuck come up to me, who by the way wasn't going to bring anything up about yesterday, and try to invalidate that really fun time we had as friends. You can go fuck yourself"
I was so mad. I don't think i have been this mad in a very long time. We spent the rest of the night arguing ( i don't understand what made you upset?) and another hour in his car yelling. The whole experience was just embarrassing because the one time I tried to be realistic about my relationship with Sean he goes and fucks it up with this lame ass "i love my girlfriend routine'. I kept asking him why he brought up our vday excursion anyway only to have to clarify it to people who weren't interested in the first place. He didn't have an answer. I asked him if he had a good time Thursday. He said yes. I asked him then why did he have to invalidate the whole day because of his insecurities. He didn't have an answer.
A week later and I am still livid at this boy. I told him i do not trust him anymore. I told him that if he ever makes me feel like I did last Friday I will disappear from his life. I will no longer be his friend. I will be but a memory. And I am serious about this. This boy fucked up. I have been nothing but nice to him, I have never initiated anything inappropriate because of his girlfriend. I wanted to be his friend and he threw it in my face like a jackass because he thinks that I am his puppy.
There is a part of me that is terrified of losing him. I have had a crush on him for so long that not having him around will feel like a loss. But the other part of me is convinced that he should be more concerned with losing me. I don't know if he is use to having friends. I don't know if he is use to having someone around who doesn't want anything from him except his time. Whatever the case I felt so....undervalued and under appreciated and used by this boy and I am fed up trying to mean something to someone who could care less.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
So Much For Miracles
So, yeah, Valentines Day.
I'm meeting up with Heather soon for Brunch and then i'm heading to my other friends house to watch the last episode of Sherlock Holmes Season 2 (i've seen it. i cried hysterically) so i'm a little pressed for time to write about the last couple of days. When I come home expect a lenghty post.
In a nutshell Valentines Day was awesome. Sean and I went to the movies, grabbed some food and went back to my house afterwards to watch 007. It was the longest i'd hung out with the boy without a 'chaperone' and it felt nice. He was funny and considerate the whole night and outside of a leg grab here and there it was very platonic. Fun but platonic.
Shit didn't hit the fan until the next day when i came into work and Sean had damn near told everyone that we went to see a movie. This would not have stirred any interest from anyone a) had he not brought it up and b) had the day of our outing not been on valentines day.
Because Kat and Sean hate each other Sean went to her and told her that we'd hung out (assuming she didn't know of our plans. She did). Kat, being a bitch, asked him 'so what did your girlfriend think of this'. Sean got very defensive and when Kat left he came up to me and was all:
your best friend is so weird. She asked me what my girlfriend thought of us hanging out on Valentines Day and i tried to explain to her that my girlfriend didn't think anything of it cause, you know, she knows how it is"
Me: how what is Sean?
She knows that i am like faithful and stuff and that at the end of the day I come home to her.
Me: Please stop talking
She knows that she is, like, it for me and that yesterday wasn't a date. It wasn't a date. It was not a date. Don't you think it's funny that Kat would think that it was. Don't you think it's funny, i mean come on, i love my girlfriend.
Me: [silence. teary eyes. anxiety] I'm not feeling well. I got to go. I'm sorry
I know. I know. I know. I hear the 'i told you' so's already. There is much more to this story and dreadful ass night but i have to shower and get ready. The story gets worse. There were tears and a yelling match and a 3 hour long phone call to my brother. Can't wait to re-tell it.
Becks
I'm meeting up with Heather soon for Brunch and then i'm heading to my other friends house to watch the last episode of Sherlock Holmes Season 2 (i've seen it. i cried hysterically) so i'm a little pressed for time to write about the last couple of days. When I come home expect a lenghty post.
In a nutshell Valentines Day was awesome. Sean and I went to the movies, grabbed some food and went back to my house afterwards to watch 007. It was the longest i'd hung out with the boy without a 'chaperone' and it felt nice. He was funny and considerate the whole night and outside of a leg grab here and there it was very platonic. Fun but platonic.
Shit didn't hit the fan until the next day when i came into work and Sean had damn near told everyone that we went to see a movie. This would not have stirred any interest from anyone a) had he not brought it up and b) had the day of our outing not been on valentines day.
Because Kat and Sean hate each other Sean went to her and told her that we'd hung out (assuming she didn't know of our plans. She did). Kat, being a bitch, asked him 'so what did your girlfriend think of this'. Sean got very defensive and when Kat left he came up to me and was all:
your best friend is so weird. She asked me what my girlfriend thought of us hanging out on Valentines Day and i tried to explain to her that my girlfriend didn't think anything of it cause, you know, she knows how it is"
Me: how what is Sean?
She knows that i am like faithful and stuff and that at the end of the day I come home to her.
Me: Please stop talking
She knows that she is, like, it for me and that yesterday wasn't a date. It wasn't a date. It was not a date. Don't you think it's funny that Kat would think that it was. Don't you think it's funny, i mean come on, i love my girlfriend.
Me: [silence. teary eyes. anxiety] I'm not feeling well. I got to go. I'm sorry
I know. I know. I know. I hear the 'i told you' so's already. There is much more to this story and dreadful ass night but i have to shower and get ready. The story gets worse. There were tears and a yelling match and a 3 hour long phone call to my brother. Can't wait to re-tell it.
Becks
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
This is happening. This is happening. I report the boy just called to confirm plans
Sean: So, are you going to go to the movies with me?
Me: um, yeah, of course.
Sean: Great. See you at 5.
Plans have been solidified. I am presenting a very calm, relaxed face to the world but i am freaking out. Freaking the fuck out. I feel dizzy and lightheaded and I think I might barf.
This is not a date. I must tell myself this or I will not make it through the next few hours. This is like any other time that I have hung out with him outside of work. I must not panic. I cannot panic.
I'm panicking a little.
For fucks sake
Sean: So, are you going to go to the movies with me?
Me: um, yeah, of course.
Sean: Great. See you at 5.
Plans have been solidified. I am presenting a very calm, relaxed face to the world but i am freaking out. Freaking the fuck out. I feel dizzy and lightheaded and I think I might barf.
This is not a date. I must tell myself this or I will not make it through the next few hours. This is like any other time that I have hung out with him outside of work. I must not panic. I cannot panic.
I'm panicking a little.
For fucks sake
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Be Careful of my Heart
....Sean asked me to hang out tomorrow on Valentines Day. Asaywhatthefuck?!?!?!
I understand that i am pretty naive and innocent when it comes to this dating, relationship stuff. But why the hell would a boy, with a girlfriend, ask me to hang out on valentines day. The one day of the year where significant others should well, hang out together.
I rarely close at Le Sad Store on Tuesdays. My availability even states that I am unable to close Tuesday due to other commitments ($7 movies all day at the theater nearby. If that isn't a commitment then i don't know what one is). But one of our co-workers had a death in the family two weeks ago and the managers have been struggling to get people to cover her shift. I got a damn near frantic all on Monday from Evil Manager asking if i could come in on Tuesday. Actually what she said was "on the weekly schedule i forgot to put down that you were actually coming on Tuesday for a closing shift".
I didn't let on that I knew she was telling a fucking lie (i don't close Tuesdays! she knows this (she makes the schedule). i know this. the whole damn store knows this) but instead agreed to come in because extra money never hurt anyone and because i knew Sean would be there. I wanted to see him for two reasons: 1) he is going on vacation this weekend. I suspect because of our conflicting schedules that I won't see him for a week or so. 2) I wanted to tell him about something that happened this Sunday.
I am writing a lengthy Grilled Cheese post about an interaction that happened between Mutual Friend and I Sunday that was just so absurd and hilarious and like a scene from a very bad sitcom that i have to write it down. It had something to do with Sean because Mutual Friend knows that I like someone (he doesn't know who it is) and keeps trying to 'help me out' with my situation.
In a nutshell (I'm still going to write a lengthy post about it) Mutual Friend finally admitted to me that he had a crush on me back in November/December but that he realized his feelings for me were not genuine. For the next hour he went on to talk about his new girlfriend (Annoying Cashier) and how he thinks she is his soul mate and that he is glad he never told me that he liked me because then he would have missed out on true love. "You were available and I was lonely and I needed someone to love and because you're like my best friend i became attracted to you out of....convenience". And that if he can find true love by being honest with himself maybe I can find it to by admitting to my crush that I like him.
This. Was. Said. To. Me. Straight face and all. Are you fucking kidding me.
For the last few days I have been fuming about this conversation. The way he went about telling me was a little...i don't know...tacky if i can be honest. If you are so very happy in your current relationship, why tell me that you had feelings for me at one point and that you are over me? Why bring the whole thing up in the first place if it can't serve any purpose or new development in our relationship. There was no need for me to know that he ever had feelings for me if they are now long gone. And because he did think this was a good conversation to have with me, why after confessing his feelings did he then go on an hour long spiel about how awesome and amazing and beautiful and smart Annoying Cashier is (she is getting two masters!). I shit you not. We then spent the next hour on some cold ass street corner (cause he wanted to walk me halfway home to tell me this crap) where I had to listen to how amazing Annoying Cashier is and how....wait for it....Mutual Friend finally knows what real love feels like.
I hysterically cried then laughed then cried all the way home. Not so much because i have ever liked him and wanted him to confess that he still had feelings for me. But because I felt pitied. I hated to hear that his feelings for me were not genuine. For some reason this made me feel like the most unlikable person in the universe. That no one would ever truly have genuine feelings for me not even some ashat who sort of broke up with the idea of me on a cold ass street corner.
Mutual Friend made me promise not to tell anyone about our conversation ( his revelation, my pitifulness, his happiness, yadda, yadda) but of course I told my mom, Kat, you all and finally Sean.
Outside of the wrongness that is my relationship with this boy, he is my closest friend at the store. I tell him practically everything (except that i have feelings for him) and I needed a male perspective. I actually wanted to know his opinion about the whole thing, especially because Mutual Friend went to him in November to confess said attraction. I needed and wanted a laugh about it and i figured I'd get to see Sean, make him laugh and then say goodbye to him before he went on a 'staycation' for the weekend.
So i agreed to close last night. I re-enacted the story to Sean whose reaction was as i suspected it would be 'so what was the point in telling you. Fucking idiot" and then we went on with our regular routine of flirting, joking around and otherwise not doing any work. Before I went to lunch, Sean and I were hanging out in the backroom trying not to get caught lounging. He seemed upset that his gf didn't want to celebrate valentines day. They see each other every Wednesday and because Valentines Day is on Thursday she sees no point in seeing him twice in one week. His bitterness and frustration was pretty evident and he went on to say 'it's just another fucking day anyway. So maybe i shouldn't take it to heart". I, of course, tell him that it isn't just another day. It's a stupid, campy, Hallmark holiday that people participate in because it's fun and sweet.
He then asked me what my plans were for this 'sweet, fun, campy' holiday and I told him the truth "I'm probably going to buy some watered down alcoholic beverage. Listen to backstreet boys. And fall asleep watching a Channing Tatum movie. There will be tears. Drunk dancing and tears" He laughed and asked me if i was serious. I told him that I was. Then he says "well, i don't think there be tears?" I tell him that I know better than anyone that there will be tears and channing tatum and more tears.
"well, then why don't we hang out Thursday. I have the day off. We could see a movie or something".
me: silence. silence. silence. silence.
"it's just another day and i don't have any plans'
me: it's valentines day?
"and I'd like to see a movie with you if that's okay"
me: okay....but if you bail....I'll be very upset.
Can someone just explain what the hell this boy is doing? He has a girlfriend. Even if she doesn't want to do anything tomorrow, i suspect he doesn't want her boyfriend hanging out with some other chick. Omg, when the hell did I become the other chick? Is this a date? Are we just two people with no other plans wanting to see an action flick tomorrow? What if he bails (which i am pretty sure he will do)? I will be hurt and distant from him. He'll ask why. Will i then have to confess my feelings? Or Worse. What happens if he doesn't bail? What happens if this is a fucking date?
There are many times when I wonder if i am exaggerating my experiences with Sean. I wonder if perhaps what i feel and see from him isn't just some big distortion that my mind is projecting because i like his attention and what to think that he likes me as much as i like him. But then shit like yesterday happens and I'm like "see! see! this is what I'm talking about! these are the mix messages that are hard to decipher". And now either one of two things will happen tomorrow. Me and Sean will casually see a movie together, grab something to eat and hang out on Valentines Day. Or Sean will disappoint me again and I will be left to mend my bruised heart once again.
Either was i'm anxious and feeling very miserable right now.
I understand that i am pretty naive and innocent when it comes to this dating, relationship stuff. But why the hell would a boy, with a girlfriend, ask me to hang out on valentines day. The one day of the year where significant others should well, hang out together.
I rarely close at Le Sad Store on Tuesdays. My availability even states that I am unable to close Tuesday due to other commitments ($7 movies all day at the theater nearby. If that isn't a commitment then i don't know what one is). But one of our co-workers had a death in the family two weeks ago and the managers have been struggling to get people to cover her shift. I got a damn near frantic all on Monday from Evil Manager asking if i could come in on Tuesday. Actually what she said was "on the weekly schedule i forgot to put down that you were actually coming on Tuesday for a closing shift".
I didn't let on that I knew she was telling a fucking lie (i don't close Tuesdays! she knows this (she makes the schedule). i know this. the whole damn store knows this) but instead agreed to come in because extra money never hurt anyone and because i knew Sean would be there. I wanted to see him for two reasons: 1) he is going on vacation this weekend. I suspect because of our conflicting schedules that I won't see him for a week or so. 2) I wanted to tell him about something that happened this Sunday.
I am writing a lengthy Grilled Cheese post about an interaction that happened between Mutual Friend and I Sunday that was just so absurd and hilarious and like a scene from a very bad sitcom that i have to write it down. It had something to do with Sean because Mutual Friend knows that I like someone (he doesn't know who it is) and keeps trying to 'help me out' with my situation.
In a nutshell (I'm still going to write a lengthy post about it) Mutual Friend finally admitted to me that he had a crush on me back in November/December but that he realized his feelings for me were not genuine. For the next hour he went on to talk about his new girlfriend (Annoying Cashier) and how he thinks she is his soul mate and that he is glad he never told me that he liked me because then he would have missed out on true love. "You were available and I was lonely and I needed someone to love and because you're like my best friend i became attracted to you out of....convenience". And that if he can find true love by being honest with himself maybe I can find it to by admitting to my crush that I like him.
This. Was. Said. To. Me. Straight face and all. Are you fucking kidding me.
For the last few days I have been fuming about this conversation. The way he went about telling me was a little...i don't know...tacky if i can be honest. If you are so very happy in your current relationship, why tell me that you had feelings for me at one point and that you are over me? Why bring the whole thing up in the first place if it can't serve any purpose or new development in our relationship. There was no need for me to know that he ever had feelings for me if they are now long gone. And because he did think this was a good conversation to have with me, why after confessing his feelings did he then go on an hour long spiel about how awesome and amazing and beautiful and smart Annoying Cashier is (she is getting two masters!). I shit you not. We then spent the next hour on some cold ass street corner (cause he wanted to walk me halfway home to tell me this crap) where I had to listen to how amazing Annoying Cashier is and how....wait for it....Mutual Friend finally knows what real love feels like.
I hysterically cried then laughed then cried all the way home. Not so much because i have ever liked him and wanted him to confess that he still had feelings for me. But because I felt pitied. I hated to hear that his feelings for me were not genuine. For some reason this made me feel like the most unlikable person in the universe. That no one would ever truly have genuine feelings for me not even some ashat who sort of broke up with the idea of me on a cold ass street corner.
Mutual Friend made me promise not to tell anyone about our conversation ( his revelation, my pitifulness, his happiness, yadda, yadda) but of course I told my mom, Kat, you all and finally Sean.
Outside of the wrongness that is my relationship with this boy, he is my closest friend at the store. I tell him practically everything (except that i have feelings for him) and I needed a male perspective. I actually wanted to know his opinion about the whole thing, especially because Mutual Friend went to him in November to confess said attraction. I needed and wanted a laugh about it and i figured I'd get to see Sean, make him laugh and then say goodbye to him before he went on a 'staycation' for the weekend.
So i agreed to close last night. I re-enacted the story to Sean whose reaction was as i suspected it would be 'so what was the point in telling you. Fucking idiot" and then we went on with our regular routine of flirting, joking around and otherwise not doing any work. Before I went to lunch, Sean and I were hanging out in the backroom trying not to get caught lounging. He seemed upset that his gf didn't want to celebrate valentines day. They see each other every Wednesday and because Valentines Day is on Thursday she sees no point in seeing him twice in one week. His bitterness and frustration was pretty evident and he went on to say 'it's just another fucking day anyway. So maybe i shouldn't take it to heart". I, of course, tell him that it isn't just another day. It's a stupid, campy, Hallmark holiday that people participate in because it's fun and sweet.
He then asked me what my plans were for this 'sweet, fun, campy' holiday and I told him the truth "I'm probably going to buy some watered down alcoholic beverage. Listen to backstreet boys. And fall asleep watching a Channing Tatum movie. There will be tears. Drunk dancing and tears" He laughed and asked me if i was serious. I told him that I was. Then he says "well, i don't think there be tears?" I tell him that I know better than anyone that there will be tears and channing tatum and more tears.
"well, then why don't we hang out Thursday. I have the day off. We could see a movie or something".
me: silence. silence. silence. silence.
"it's just another day and i don't have any plans'
me: it's valentines day?
"and I'd like to see a movie with you if that's okay"
me: okay....but if you bail....I'll be very upset.
Can someone just explain what the hell this boy is doing? He has a girlfriend. Even if she doesn't want to do anything tomorrow, i suspect he doesn't want her boyfriend hanging out with some other chick. Omg, when the hell did I become the other chick? Is this a date? Are we just two people with no other plans wanting to see an action flick tomorrow? What if he bails (which i am pretty sure he will do)? I will be hurt and distant from him. He'll ask why. Will i then have to confess my feelings? Or Worse. What happens if he doesn't bail? What happens if this is a fucking date?
There are many times when I wonder if i am exaggerating my experiences with Sean. I wonder if perhaps what i feel and see from him isn't just some big distortion that my mind is projecting because i like his attention and what to think that he likes me as much as i like him. But then shit like yesterday happens and I'm like "see! see! this is what I'm talking about! these are the mix messages that are hard to decipher". And now either one of two things will happen tomorrow. Me and Sean will casually see a movie together, grab something to eat and hang out on Valentines Day. Or Sean will disappoint me again and I will be left to mend my bruised heart once again.
Either was i'm anxious and feeling very miserable right now.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
The 27th Year.
My birthday is less then a month away. A month ya'll.
Ever since Christmas I have been repeating a very stupid phrase to whoever will listen to me belt it. Anytime I want something great or magical or sweet even extraordinary to happen I'll look to the person I'm talking to, get all big and dreamy in the eyes and say "I'm just waiting for a [blank] meeeeeeeracle". And of course I have to emphasize and draw out the word miracle like a child, raising my hands over my head and then dramatically dropping them to my side with a sigh.
Around Christmas I must have said "I'm just looking for an xmas meeeeeeracle" a million times. I was in the spirit and wanted things to be awesome. Kathleen would roll her eyes everytime i uttered the phrase but eventually my enthusiasm caught on. And you know what, Christmas was awesome this year. It was wintry and there were cookies and cupcakes and eggnog. The Boy pulled through in the gift giving department, my various holiday activities with friends and family were meaningful and memorable. It was splendid and amazing and I don't think I've enjoyed the holidays more.
Kat was hoping the phrase would die down after the Christmas but alas it hasn't. New Years: "can't a girl just get a new years meeeeeeeracle". Valentines Day: "i just want a valentine's day meeeeeeracle" (fingers crossed. proclamation of love? the end of his reign of douchery? a damn thinking of you text) and now my birthday: "another opportunity for a meeeeeeracle". Kathleen isn't so much annoyed by the phrase or even my theatrics. Instead she laments that it's so fucking infectious it makes her even hopeful for little stupid miracles and surprises that do not happen in the real world because the real world does not work like the inside of my head. And That we'll both just end up getting disappointed when our expectations are let down.
And she has a point. I know this. I do know this. But i still believe that people are full of surprises and that when you matter enough to someone magical things can happen. I'm just saying. I still innocently believe in this. Sue me. Because of circumstances surrounding my current relationship woes I am not holding out for a Valentines Day meeeeeracle this year. I love the campiness of the holiday, the cards and the chocolate and the bake mixes, but this year I sort of want February 14th to move the hell on. The Boy Who Is Not Mine took the day off ( "if she thinks it's because of V-day she's dead wrong. Die Hard is coming out that day. Die Hard") and it was not with the intention or forethought or afterthought of spending it with me. He entertained the idea of hanging out next Friday once he gets off work but he hasn't brought that up in a week and because I am passive i refuse to mention it to him.
Kat, who is still in lust with the married preacher, is going to be in a pissy mood the next couple of days especially next Thursday and I suspect I will spend much of the day telling her: don't cry, please don't cry, okay if you are at least going to cry can you wait until we get to the car. But instead of going to the movies with me or hanging out she will head home to her boyfriend (the one she is still seeing despite her obsession with married preacher) and I will be left to sulk in my room listening to Cher (which i happen to listen to a lot during my 'why doesn't anyone love me" days) drinking watered down alcohol and watching Like Crazy, crying so hard that I fall asleep out of exhaustion.
Who wouldn't want to date me....i....am...a....catch!
The only reason I am excited for Valentines Day is that after I wake up from said terrible night the countdown to my birthday begins. VDay, ever since I was little, has always marked the beginning of the countdown to my special day. And last year, despite it being the first without Marie, was pretty special. I got my first tattoo and had a awesome time in the city and ate cupcakes. My family and friends did not let me down and I was happy. Or close to it.
Now however, my expectations are so fucking high, i too feel that I will be let down by the weeks leading up to and after my birthday! And it has nothing to go with the gift aspect (I've decided I want a xbox 360. My mom and are I going halfsie on it. I suspect I wont want anything else after i start gaming) but I really really really really want unique little small birthday moments with each and every one of my small group of friends this year because that was so special about it last year. It would be the birthday meeeeeeeracle of my dreams. If anyone could make this happen it would be the greatest gift of all. Kat and I have a several birthday excursions planned. We are seeing Stomp on my birthday and then 3 weeks later we are going to Cirque Du Soleli which is being performed in a actual circus tent (my heart just pitter pattered). My aunt is taking me shopping and to Sephora for a make-over day ( i am nervous about the make-up thing seeing my last experience was not great). My other friend, the chick who loves wrestling, was going to throw a wrestling event/birthday party for me with Sean, Mutual friend and another guy. But with the whole 'you are inappropriate with my girlfriend' drama unfolding the two of us are planning on going to the city alone, maybe a casino for shits and giggles, instead of enduring an awkward confrontation.
Sean has not mentioned my birthday at all. I asked him to take off for the day of the party but he kept shrugging his shoulders and then said i reminded him that he has to take off for the weekend before my birthday (le sigh). On the way home one night he said he got his mom an awesome birthday gift a few weeks back. I, thinking this was his way of bringing up my own birthday, ask him what he got her. He bought her....prepare yourself. I'm serious. The few i have told have literally almost punched me in the face for continuing to like this fool....he bought her a 100 cans of cat food.
Cat food. Are you fucking kidding me.
Whats funny is that I was with him when he bought all the cat food. He was excited cause there was a big sale at the supermarket and he didn't want to pass it up. I thought it was cute (lurve is blind) that he wanted me to tag alone, we had two carts full of cat food and then had to lug it back to his car like it was prized gold. I thought this experience was adorable because he loves his cats and sales at the supermarket. This is not cute however as a gift to his mom (his reasoning behind the gift is that she didn't have to spend her own money to buy it). Because no matter how you try to sell it to me CAT FOOD as a gift is unacceptable. I just have no words. No words.
But the way things are looking this month, not only in the boy department but in the friend department, i am worried that my desire for a birthday meeeeeeracle will lead to disappointment. Kat is moodier than ever, crying almost every day ('why doesn't preacher like me") and just sent me a text that she wants to feel excited about Stomp and Cirque but just cant. Sean is so busy attempting to join the air force that trying to talk to him about anything is impossible. Mutual Friend relationship with Annoying Cashier is causing a rift in our circle of friends and he doesn't seem very interested in participating in any me related birthday plans. And I'm hardly at the store anymore so i rarely get to see the people I want to see and when I do see them it's for brief periods of time.
This is making me anxious and slightly sad and depressed. I want this year to be special. I'm not sure why but I just need it to be. At least i know I'm getting an Xbox ( mini birthday meeeeracle) but it's not the gift i was looking forward to most this year.
Ever since Christmas I have been repeating a very stupid phrase to whoever will listen to me belt it. Anytime I want something great or magical or sweet even extraordinary to happen I'll look to the person I'm talking to, get all big and dreamy in the eyes and say "I'm just waiting for a [blank] meeeeeeeracle". And of course I have to emphasize and draw out the word miracle like a child, raising my hands over my head and then dramatically dropping them to my side with a sigh.
Around Christmas I must have said "I'm just looking for an xmas meeeeeeracle" a million times. I was in the spirit and wanted things to be awesome. Kathleen would roll her eyes everytime i uttered the phrase but eventually my enthusiasm caught on. And you know what, Christmas was awesome this year. It was wintry and there were cookies and cupcakes and eggnog. The Boy pulled through in the gift giving department, my various holiday activities with friends and family were meaningful and memorable. It was splendid and amazing and I don't think I've enjoyed the holidays more.
Kat was hoping the phrase would die down after the Christmas but alas it hasn't. New Years: "can't a girl just get a new years meeeeeeeracle". Valentines Day: "i just want a valentine's day meeeeeeracle" (fingers crossed. proclamation of love? the end of his reign of douchery? a damn thinking of you text) and now my birthday: "another opportunity for a meeeeeeracle". Kathleen isn't so much annoyed by the phrase or even my theatrics. Instead she laments that it's so fucking infectious it makes her even hopeful for little stupid miracles and surprises that do not happen in the real world because the real world does not work like the inside of my head. And That we'll both just end up getting disappointed when our expectations are let down.
And she has a point. I know this. I do know this. But i still believe that people are full of surprises and that when you matter enough to someone magical things can happen. I'm just saying. I still innocently believe in this. Sue me. Because of circumstances surrounding my current relationship woes I am not holding out for a Valentines Day meeeeeracle this year. I love the campiness of the holiday, the cards and the chocolate and the bake mixes, but this year I sort of want February 14th to move the hell on. The Boy Who Is Not Mine took the day off ( "if she thinks it's because of V-day she's dead wrong. Die Hard is coming out that day. Die Hard") and it was not with the intention or forethought or afterthought of spending it with me. He entertained the idea of hanging out next Friday once he gets off work but he hasn't brought that up in a week and because I am passive i refuse to mention it to him.
Kat, who is still in lust with the married preacher, is going to be in a pissy mood the next couple of days especially next Thursday and I suspect I will spend much of the day telling her: don't cry, please don't cry, okay if you are at least going to cry can you wait until we get to the car. But instead of going to the movies with me or hanging out she will head home to her boyfriend (the one she is still seeing despite her obsession with married preacher) and I will be left to sulk in my room listening to Cher (which i happen to listen to a lot during my 'why doesn't anyone love me" days) drinking watered down alcohol and watching Like Crazy, crying so hard that I fall asleep out of exhaustion.
Who wouldn't want to date me....i....am...a....catch!
The only reason I am excited for Valentines Day is that after I wake up from said terrible night the countdown to my birthday begins. VDay, ever since I was little, has always marked the beginning of the countdown to my special day. And last year, despite it being the first without Marie, was pretty special. I got my first tattoo and had a awesome time in the city and ate cupcakes. My family and friends did not let me down and I was happy. Or close to it.
Now however, my expectations are so fucking high, i too feel that I will be let down by the weeks leading up to and after my birthday! And it has nothing to go with the gift aspect (I've decided I want a xbox 360. My mom and are I going halfsie on it. I suspect I wont want anything else after i start gaming) but I really really really really want unique little small birthday moments with each and every one of my small group of friends this year because that was so special about it last year. It would be the birthday meeeeeeeracle of my dreams. If anyone could make this happen it would be the greatest gift of all. Kat and I have a several birthday excursions planned. We are seeing Stomp on my birthday and then 3 weeks later we are going to Cirque Du Soleli which is being performed in a actual circus tent (my heart just pitter pattered). My aunt is taking me shopping and to Sephora for a make-over day ( i am nervous about the make-up thing seeing my last experience was not great). My other friend, the chick who loves wrestling, was going to throw a wrestling event/birthday party for me with Sean, Mutual friend and another guy. But with the whole 'you are inappropriate with my girlfriend' drama unfolding the two of us are planning on going to the city alone, maybe a casino for shits and giggles, instead of enduring an awkward confrontation.
Sean has not mentioned my birthday at all. I asked him to take off for the day of the party but he kept shrugging his shoulders and then said i reminded him that he has to take off for the weekend before my birthday (le sigh). On the way home one night he said he got his mom an awesome birthday gift a few weeks back. I, thinking this was his way of bringing up my own birthday, ask him what he got her. He bought her....prepare yourself. I'm serious. The few i have told have literally almost punched me in the face for continuing to like this fool....he bought her a 100 cans of cat food.
Cat food. Are you fucking kidding me.
Whats funny is that I was with him when he bought all the cat food. He was excited cause there was a big sale at the supermarket and he didn't want to pass it up. I thought it was cute (lurve is blind) that he wanted me to tag alone, we had two carts full of cat food and then had to lug it back to his car like it was prized gold. I thought this experience was adorable because he loves his cats and sales at the supermarket. This is not cute however as a gift to his mom (his reasoning behind the gift is that she didn't have to spend her own money to buy it). Because no matter how you try to sell it to me CAT FOOD as a gift is unacceptable. I just have no words. No words.
But the way things are looking this month, not only in the boy department but in the friend department, i am worried that my desire for a birthday meeeeeeracle will lead to disappointment. Kat is moodier than ever, crying almost every day ('why doesn't preacher like me") and just sent me a text that she wants to feel excited about Stomp and Cirque but just cant. Sean is so busy attempting to join the air force that trying to talk to him about anything is impossible. Mutual Friend relationship with Annoying Cashier is causing a rift in our circle of friends and he doesn't seem very interested in participating in any me related birthday plans. And I'm hardly at the store anymore so i rarely get to see the people I want to see and when I do see them it's for brief periods of time.
This is making me anxious and slightly sad and depressed. I want this year to be special. I'm not sure why but I just need it to be. At least i know I'm getting an Xbox ( mini birthday meeeeracle) but it's not the gift i was looking forward to most this year.
Monday, February 04, 2013
Reoccurences.
I am having nightmares again. Nothing too dramatic or scary or frightening but the context of the dreams have unnerved me to the point where I have had no energy to interact with any one this week.
Last Monday Sean called me and wanted to know about the drama that Mutual Friend brought up this weekend. I had already talked to my mom about how I was going to approach the situation should Sean bring it up. I felt it wasn't my place to say anything outside of what Mutual Friend told me because I don't want to always be the one calling him on his behavior. And plus maybe having a guy tell him that he fucked up would hit closer to home then when I say it.
I missed his first two calls cause I was walking home from work. And when I finally reached my house I told myself I would not answer the phone if he called back. Then he called back and I answered like an asshole. He didn't even mention the potential 'sexual harassment' situation. He called to let me know that he was feeling much better and that he spent all Sunday in bed having crazy dreams because of his fever.
He wouldn't shut up about his stupid dream: he was in a desert, he was a gunslinger or something, he was on the search for gold that was caught in the seams of walls. It was bizarre. He thought he was hallucinating cause it seemed so real. In the middle of his gun slinging, gold finding story I yelled "did you get my text! this is serious. Mutual Friend is pissed and this can become an issue with management".
He sighed and told me to tell exactly what happened on Saturday. And while I told myself I wouldn't say a word because it wasn't my place I told him everything I knew: annoying cashier thinks he is inappropriate and creepy, Mutual Friend doesn't find it funny that his friend is bouncing plush toys off his girlfriends ass, and that Sean needs a wake up call because his mouth and his actions are going to eventually cost him his job.
Sean seemed unfazed by the whole mess. He had another side to the story. He said that he knows he crosses a lot of boundaries but that he wouldn't have taken it that far with annoying cashier if she didn't reciprocate. That the only reason he threw a plush toy at her ass was because she had made some comment about how bouncy her boobs were and he wanted to know if this buoyancy applied to her ass as well. He was mad that she didn't bring it up to him because he would respect her more if she had said something.
I hate how nonchalant he is on the phone. I want to call him on the fact that this is not the first time he has been inappropriate with chicks at work. That along with Mutual Friend being pissed I am a little peeved as well because, well, of feelings that i have had for him that continues to be complicated because of the way he acts around me and other girls. I want to tell him that this is the last time i am going to stick up for him when he is in the wrong.
But I don't because just as the words are appearing in my head he, out of nowhere, asks "so anyway, wanna hang out tomorrow. movie? at your house? "
What? Weren't we just talking about annoying cashier and the seriousness of crossing the line? Wasn't I just saying that I can't do this anymore and make excuses for his bad behavior? Now you want to talk about watching a movie at my house after you get off work.
"suuuuuuuuure, i guess". Le sigh.
Tuesday night comes and I am not looking forward to this boy coming over my house. I am sleepy and have the sense that this hangout is part of some quota this boy has to fill for the week: "hang out with loser crush so that she continues to have my back whenever i fuck up....check!". He gets to my house around 11 and we spend the next two hours watching a movie and talking about various things. He, for some reason, is wearing lounge pants under his uniform and makes a big deal about having to remove his pants so that he sit comfortably in my room. I close my eyes and tell him I won't look as he debates whether he should keep his work pants on or de-pants so that he can sit in his lounge pants. He decides to wear his lounge pants.
He calls his girlfriend (before the movie starts) while I am sitting on my bed clutching a stuff animal Marie gave me in the12th grade and I get to listen to him say "hey baby. yea, no I'm not at home. why? oh is this okay? yea, no I'll be home soon. I'll call you as soon as I do. Love you baby". Followed by a quick succession of kisses you make at a cat to lure them to your hand. I try not to barf, start the movie and then contemplate what the hell I am doing.
The movie and the conversation were actually very nice. Our last experience watching something on tv together did not go well and this was a nice break because it's just us and I felt comfortable and safe in my room. He couldn't get over how nice my room is. I have a glow in the dark solar system mobile hanging above my desk (thanks K!) and he couldn't stop staring at it. I apologized for all the distractions in my room: the space mailbox hanging from my bookshelf, my buffy shrine, the paper cranes hanging from the ceiling, the mini blanket pillow fort where the cat and I chill. He told me not to apologize, that my room was the 'nicest thing'.
He left around 1am but the awesomeness of the previous two hours was replaced by his urgency to leave (probably to get home and call his gf). I walked him to his car and said goodbye and then cursed myself for remaining in the rabbit hole of a mess that this is. When i finally get to bed, after several hours of staring at my ceiling, I have the first of many fucked up dreams.
The one I had that night sticks with me the most because my head is also telling me what my heart is struggling to see. I don't know how the dream began but i am at home when Sean calls and asks if I want to help him move garbage from his garage/basement to the curb. I, of course, agree to help though I ask him how I am suppose to get to his house. He doesn't offer to pick me up so I take the train and then bus to his address where he is waiting outside for me. His house has a weird Tim Burton aspect to it. The lawn is very green and the house is very tall and is painted a weird teal color. Attached is a balcony that doesn't look like it can hold company and his driveway stretches on forever. On the side of the house is the attached garage, the door propped open with a rock.
I ask him immediately how I can help and he says that I just have to stand by the curb while he brings the garbage out. This is weird because I want to be near his house. I want to step on the grass and help him bring things out but he seems adamant that my job is to wait on the curb while he transports the garbage. He comes and goes bringing heavy black bags with him and places them near my feet. After several trips the curb is full of bags and I do not have any more room to stand. He comes out again and this time I ask him if i can use the restroom. He looks hesitant and asks "if you do then who will watch the garbage" I laugh and say 'i don't know. i won't be long. the garbage isn't going to go anywhere' but I can tell he is serious so i ask him again to emphasize having to pee. I point to the balcony because while i was on the curb i notice that there are only two doors to this house. One attached the garage and the other oddly attached to the balcony though there is no stairs leading to the entrance.
He looks up at the balcony but before he can answer his mom, dressed as if she is a nurse in a hospital, approaches us on the lawn. She passes Sean and sticks her hand out for me to shake saying "so you're Beckett. Finally". I shake her hand, coming to the edge of the curb while she stands on the grass. Sean comes and stands beside me and we are all suddenly really close. She continues shaking my hand but turns to Sean and says "I'm very happy to meet her but she has to go. She does not belong here do you understand me". Sean exhales loudly and then storms off to the garage. His mom lets go of my hand and then says "i don't mean to upset you or Sean but you cannot stay. There are people in the house and we do not have enough room for anyone else. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you do not belong here"
I smile at her weakly and tell her I understand. I ask her if I can just use the bathroom before i go but she is persistent: "his father is sleeping on the couch. You'd have to pass the couch and his father to use our bathroom. There are too many people inside. You cannot stay". Then she gets into her car and presumably drives to work. Though I have been warned to stay on the curb (by Sean) and not to enter the house (by his mom) I walk the long stretch of the driveway to say goodbye to him. I find him in the dark small space furiously throwing garbage into bags and muttering awful things about his mom. His back is facing me and the white shirt he is wearing is covered in sweat.
He doesn't hear me come up behind me and when he turns around the bag of garbage hits me in the stomach. He apologizes profusely and i tell him it's okay. He then says that his mom is wrong, setting the garbage to the side so that he can run his hands through his hair. He says that she never knows what she is talking about. He is livid and now is pacing the garage. I am near tears because i want to believe him but i know his mom is right (i mean he did leave me on the grass to wait for him). And I want to bring this up, but I can't because he keeps ranting about how unfair she was. How she doesn't know what she is talking about. How I am not temporary. How he wishes I could stay. But as I start to back away, saying that i should go, he doesn't make an attempt to stop me. I feel like i am floating towards the exit but he doesn't make any moves to pull me close. To prove her wrong. To make me temporary.
I wake up from the dream soon after and have been in a cranky mood ever since because for the last week I have had the same fucking dream with slight variations. And I don't know why i can't shake it. I know what my mind is trying to tell me. Hell I know what my heart is trying to tell me and yet I am still resisting and struggling and making excuses and fucking up.
Le sigh.
Last Monday Sean called me and wanted to know about the drama that Mutual Friend brought up this weekend. I had already talked to my mom about how I was going to approach the situation should Sean bring it up. I felt it wasn't my place to say anything outside of what Mutual Friend told me because I don't want to always be the one calling him on his behavior. And plus maybe having a guy tell him that he fucked up would hit closer to home then when I say it.
I missed his first two calls cause I was walking home from work. And when I finally reached my house I told myself I would not answer the phone if he called back. Then he called back and I answered like an asshole. He didn't even mention the potential 'sexual harassment' situation. He called to let me know that he was feeling much better and that he spent all Sunday in bed having crazy dreams because of his fever.
He wouldn't shut up about his stupid dream: he was in a desert, he was a gunslinger or something, he was on the search for gold that was caught in the seams of walls. It was bizarre. He thought he was hallucinating cause it seemed so real. In the middle of his gun slinging, gold finding story I yelled "did you get my text! this is serious. Mutual Friend is pissed and this can become an issue with management".
He sighed and told me to tell exactly what happened on Saturday. And while I told myself I wouldn't say a word because it wasn't my place I told him everything I knew: annoying cashier thinks he is inappropriate and creepy, Mutual Friend doesn't find it funny that his friend is bouncing plush toys off his girlfriends ass, and that Sean needs a wake up call because his mouth and his actions are going to eventually cost him his job.
Sean seemed unfazed by the whole mess. He had another side to the story. He said that he knows he crosses a lot of boundaries but that he wouldn't have taken it that far with annoying cashier if she didn't reciprocate. That the only reason he threw a plush toy at her ass was because she had made some comment about how bouncy her boobs were and he wanted to know if this buoyancy applied to her ass as well. He was mad that she didn't bring it up to him because he would respect her more if she had said something.
I hate how nonchalant he is on the phone. I want to call him on the fact that this is not the first time he has been inappropriate with chicks at work. That along with Mutual Friend being pissed I am a little peeved as well because, well, of feelings that i have had for him that continues to be complicated because of the way he acts around me and other girls. I want to tell him that this is the last time i am going to stick up for him when he is in the wrong.
But I don't because just as the words are appearing in my head he, out of nowhere, asks "so anyway, wanna hang out tomorrow. movie? at your house? "
What? Weren't we just talking about annoying cashier and the seriousness of crossing the line? Wasn't I just saying that I can't do this anymore and make excuses for his bad behavior? Now you want to talk about watching a movie at my house after you get off work.
"suuuuuuuuure, i guess". Le sigh.
Tuesday night comes and I am not looking forward to this boy coming over my house. I am sleepy and have the sense that this hangout is part of some quota this boy has to fill for the week: "hang out with loser crush so that she continues to have my back whenever i fuck up....check!". He gets to my house around 11 and we spend the next two hours watching a movie and talking about various things. He, for some reason, is wearing lounge pants under his uniform and makes a big deal about having to remove his pants so that he sit comfortably in my room. I close my eyes and tell him I won't look as he debates whether he should keep his work pants on or de-pants so that he can sit in his lounge pants. He decides to wear his lounge pants.
He calls his girlfriend (before the movie starts) while I am sitting on my bed clutching a stuff animal Marie gave me in the12th grade and I get to listen to him say "hey baby. yea, no I'm not at home. why? oh is this okay? yea, no I'll be home soon. I'll call you as soon as I do. Love you baby". Followed by a quick succession of kisses you make at a cat to lure them to your hand. I try not to barf, start the movie and then contemplate what the hell I am doing.
The movie and the conversation were actually very nice. Our last experience watching something on tv together did not go well and this was a nice break because it's just us and I felt comfortable and safe in my room. He couldn't get over how nice my room is. I have a glow in the dark solar system mobile hanging above my desk (thanks K!) and he couldn't stop staring at it. I apologized for all the distractions in my room: the space mailbox hanging from my bookshelf, my buffy shrine, the paper cranes hanging from the ceiling, the mini blanket pillow fort where the cat and I chill. He told me not to apologize, that my room was the 'nicest thing'.
He left around 1am but the awesomeness of the previous two hours was replaced by his urgency to leave (probably to get home and call his gf). I walked him to his car and said goodbye and then cursed myself for remaining in the rabbit hole of a mess that this is. When i finally get to bed, after several hours of staring at my ceiling, I have the first of many fucked up dreams.
The one I had that night sticks with me the most because my head is also telling me what my heart is struggling to see. I don't know how the dream began but i am at home when Sean calls and asks if I want to help him move garbage from his garage/basement to the curb. I, of course, agree to help though I ask him how I am suppose to get to his house. He doesn't offer to pick me up so I take the train and then bus to his address where he is waiting outside for me. His house has a weird Tim Burton aspect to it. The lawn is very green and the house is very tall and is painted a weird teal color. Attached is a balcony that doesn't look like it can hold company and his driveway stretches on forever. On the side of the house is the attached garage, the door propped open with a rock.
I ask him immediately how I can help and he says that I just have to stand by the curb while he brings the garbage out. This is weird because I want to be near his house. I want to step on the grass and help him bring things out but he seems adamant that my job is to wait on the curb while he transports the garbage. He comes and goes bringing heavy black bags with him and places them near my feet. After several trips the curb is full of bags and I do not have any more room to stand. He comes out again and this time I ask him if i can use the restroom. He looks hesitant and asks "if you do then who will watch the garbage" I laugh and say 'i don't know. i won't be long. the garbage isn't going to go anywhere' but I can tell he is serious so i ask him again to emphasize having to pee. I point to the balcony because while i was on the curb i notice that there are only two doors to this house. One attached the garage and the other oddly attached to the balcony though there is no stairs leading to the entrance.
He looks up at the balcony but before he can answer his mom, dressed as if she is a nurse in a hospital, approaches us on the lawn. She passes Sean and sticks her hand out for me to shake saying "so you're Beckett. Finally". I shake her hand, coming to the edge of the curb while she stands on the grass. Sean comes and stands beside me and we are all suddenly really close. She continues shaking my hand but turns to Sean and says "I'm very happy to meet her but she has to go. She does not belong here do you understand me". Sean exhales loudly and then storms off to the garage. His mom lets go of my hand and then says "i don't mean to upset you or Sean but you cannot stay. There are people in the house and we do not have enough room for anyone else. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you do not belong here"
I smile at her weakly and tell her I understand. I ask her if I can just use the bathroom before i go but she is persistent: "his father is sleeping on the couch. You'd have to pass the couch and his father to use our bathroom. There are too many people inside. You cannot stay". Then she gets into her car and presumably drives to work. Though I have been warned to stay on the curb (by Sean) and not to enter the house (by his mom) I walk the long stretch of the driveway to say goodbye to him. I find him in the dark small space furiously throwing garbage into bags and muttering awful things about his mom. His back is facing me and the white shirt he is wearing is covered in sweat.
He doesn't hear me come up behind me and when he turns around the bag of garbage hits me in the stomach. He apologizes profusely and i tell him it's okay. He then says that his mom is wrong, setting the garbage to the side so that he can run his hands through his hair. He says that she never knows what she is talking about. He is livid and now is pacing the garage. I am near tears because i want to believe him but i know his mom is right (i mean he did leave me on the grass to wait for him). And I want to bring this up, but I can't because he keeps ranting about how unfair she was. How she doesn't know what she is talking about. How I am not temporary. How he wishes I could stay. But as I start to back away, saying that i should go, he doesn't make an attempt to stop me. I feel like i am floating towards the exit but he doesn't make any moves to pull me close. To prove her wrong. To make me temporary.
I wake up from the dream soon after and have been in a cranky mood ever since because for the last week I have had the same fucking dream with slight variations. And I don't know why i can't shake it. I know what my mind is trying to tell me. Hell I know what my heart is trying to tell me and yet I am still resisting and struggling and making excuses and fucking up.
Le sigh.
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