Obviously, Doctor, You've Never Been a 13 Year Old Girl.

After four days of bliss away from work, I am not looking forward to my first day back to Le Sad store after this mini vacation.


It have been a very hot and humid week in new york. The landlady hasn't installed the AC in my room yet, and I have spent much of the week in bed, laying very still with a water bottle near by to either drink f or pour from. I am not above pouring water on myself to cool down.



With only 3 days of work this week, rent and student loans looming I wanted to take it easy. I can only stress so much about every detail before the sound of my own internal monologue drives me crazy. So I made an attempt, outside of the weather, to relax.



I spent Monday in the aisles of the library finding a handful of books to kick off the summer of reading. I read a lot more during these hot, humid months. Maybe it's because the weather always reminds me of immobility. Some days it would get so hot in south carolina the only thing you could do without breaking a sweat was curl up with a book.



I spent most of my summers doing this because I had little friends and/or activities to participate in. My mom worked (works) crazy hours which prevented her from hanging out with us during the day. My brother was too busy being...well...an older brother who didn't want to hang out with his sister all damn day.




So I read. A lot. To pass the time. To connect to something. To amuse myself. I read countless books whose titles I wish I would have written down. And even now, despite the friends and the deadlines and the applications to apply to. Despite the busy nature of my life these days, I have spent every summer since those lonely high school days reading as many books as I can in the comfort of my home with music in the background.


It's weird that I continue stockpiling books during the summer. But I take such a simplistic delight in reading books all day and drinking pink lemonade (there must be pink lemonade near by). I've already finished two of the titles I checked out this week and am trying to get through Just Kids by Patti Smith. But it's a little too pretentious for me. It's a little too 'artsy fartsy' for my liking. But I am determined to finish it. I am determined to finish a bunch of things this summer because the humidity is preventing me from doing much us.




I am simultaneously reading Virgin Suicides by Jeffery Eugenides which is one of my favorite books of all time. I don't think I will ever grow out of the connection I feel towards the tragic Lisbon sisters and the boys who mourn them. Every year since I picked the title up, four or five years ago, I have read the book like it is the first time I have come across the novel.




It is lush and atmospheric, lovely and devastating and speaks to the part of me that will always be this very delicate and frustrated girl on the fringe. And while I am not a fan of most adaptations, the movie turned out to be this beautifully crafted and well acted picture that I always recommend in tandem to the book.

There is something so airy and dreamlike about the picture. There is something so painful yet beautiful about the actress who each represent the five siblings

And while I am not the hugest Kirsten Dunst fan, she does a fine job portraying Lux. This beautiful, tortured, rebellious soul.

To be honest I read this novel more so because of the emotions it stirs up, rather than the fact that I always usher in the summer with a re-reading an old favorite.


Because I am feeling a little bit disjointed, aloof and askew these days, I have gravitated to this story where the girls seems so lost by their own existence. And while my helpless and disconnect will never feel as isolating as theirs, I can't help but relate in some weird way to them; wanting to spend a few hours understanding it all from their 'voices'.



I can't tell if my own sudden weightlessness has anything to do with general anxieties or restlessness. But lately I have been feeling out of touch. That I am not congruent. That my body and mind, thoughts and actions are going in opposite directions. And I wonder how I have lost control. Or how I have lost the grasp on it all.



I know it will pass. It always does but until then I most find some way to piece everything back together. I think another random day in the city would help. I think another day walking around with my camera, snapping pictures and then 'accidentally' getting lost in a cupcake shop would do some good.


I would love to find another garden to go to, but the only one that remotely looks interesting is in the Bronx which means I would have to take a train, a subway and a bus. Too much travel if you ask me.


If I weren't so against sitting in a park by myself, I would head to a part of central park that not many tourist visit. A small enclosed space of rocks and greenery. But I feel like secret places, such as that, has to be shared with someone else. For security sake.

But I will head to the city next week. I will. I will. While I don't mind exploring the difficulties of being an intuitive, delicate girl...I've learned not to linger in that mood for too long. While I love the Lisbon sisters and the tragedy of their youth and beauty, I can only relate for so long before I remember that I have to keep moving. That I can't lull in my own sense of disconnect for too long.


It's okay to feel weightless everyone once in a while, but the longer I stay there the harder it will be for me to return to solid ground.

Everyone Leaves...But Me.

I apologize for being a bad blogger these days.

I am suffering from another case of 'where have the days gone' and it is throwing me off my writing game, amongst other things.

I spent most of last week running around accommodating friends, sleeping in, working and watching Mystery Masterpieces' Sherlock Holmes on Netflix. Of course I now have another crush on a floppy headed British Guy (whose first name is Benedict. I mean come on, how can you not love that name?!) and am headed to the library today for some Holmes reading material.

This is another crappy week for me work wise. I clock in three days at Le Sad Store and the other four will be used to apply to jobs, try not to cry from job hunting frustrations and dance as much as I can. Hours are still being slashed despite the fact that we have lost 5 or 6 people in the last week. Most of them worked in cafe or worked when I wasn't around so their absence has no effect on me, but a couple of days ago Evan pulled me aside to let me know that he put in his two weeks notice too. And I am a little thrown off by this.

I like Evan a lot. Despite that 2 month period where I ignored him, I adore this kid. I trained him during his first weeks at Le Sad Store and ate lunch with him during the weird new kid months. We've exchanged DVD's, gone to see movies together, and he was one of the people I spent days in the city with.

I am crushed that he is leaving (happy of course that he has gotten a new job, at a, um, Harley Davidson store. I know.) and cannot wrap my head around this new wave of exits that are happening. I always describe them as waves because they consist of weeks, particularly in the summer, when a large part of our staff finds new employment. I wouldn't say better employment but new nonetheless.

Last year, right around July, we lost so many people managers were scrambling to fill their spots. That too is happening now. On Friday three people called out on a four person close. I opened, but it didn't stop evil manager from asking if I could do a double shift. I quickly said 'no' and she fumed. The next night, two people from a mid shift called out along with one closer. I was not asked to stay this time around but I made sure to get the hell out of the store before anyone could ask.

Everyone however, is pissed that hours are being slashed hardcore even as managers are hiring up a storm (taking away more hours). But after the last three days of a short staffed store I can't help but understand their decision to hire people for backup purposes. I just hope that I have a new job secured before anyone of them start working there.

I am a lot more practical about this job search. Worried, some, because there are a slew of recent grads lurking about now, but still hopeful. It doesn't mean that I am not bat-shit anxious from time to time. It doesn't mean that I haven't contemplated getting any job rather than sticking to my guns about the industry I am currently trying to break in to. But I'd go crazy if those thoughts consumed me every day. I would be in a really horrible funk if I didn't see the silver lining in it all.

I am applying to a UK production scheme just for the hell of it. I mean it can't hurt. International applicants are encourage to apply and though I have no idea how I would fund moving to the UK if I got this paid internship, having the opportunity to work abroad makes me happy. It makes me feel productive and like I am going somewhere.

Last night I was joking around at customer service with our newest head cashier, a kid who is just 19 and a Freshman in college. No one knows how he got a head cashier position so quickly. He'd only been there a month or two when they offered him the raise and of course he didn't turn it down. He is a very smart, attractive, creative guy who is mature for his age and he has become the 'golden boy who can do no wrong' to the managers.

At first I didn't like him to much but over time we have developed a very joking jovial relationship. He was hanging around customer service during his break last night because he needed help finding a book. It was a Adobe Suite CS5 manual (?) that he could not find anywhree in the store but that he 'needed' because he wants to work as a freelance designer and wanted a leg up on the competition. I repeat the child is 19 years old.

I, naturally, assist him in finding his book while he explains that he needs the book so he can start a website that will help people start their own webpages. It'll be like a hosting site or something and he has already claimed a domain name. When we finally come across the book he explains that wants the website to be up and running soon, so that he can start his own business within a matter of months(only 19, remember this).

He was rambling so fast that I had to ask him to slow down, 'you're only 19'. I continued with a general 'ambition is cool and all but at 19 I was moping floors at a philly cheesesteak joint (that lasted all but 6 weeks)' spiel but he was too busy thumbing through the manual to pay attention.

I know, some kids are just driven, some kids have that ambition sort of thing going on but at 19, I couldn't imagine wanting all that responsibility. At 19, I wished I would have been more of a 19 year old. It irks me how he talks about people in their 20's. As if we lack the ambition that kids his age have. I am only 6 years older than this guy but he acts as if the age gap is by generation.

He tellls me that he is 'so ambitious and independent' because he can't depend on his wealthy parents to support him. I understand this. I tell him this. And I agree that thinking about the future now is always a good thing.

But as we are talking about goals and such he says, out of nowhere, that he doesn't want to end up like me when he graduates college in three years. I. Shit. You. Not.

I know he was just joking, he said he was just joking, I pretended to cry in my hands (while I boiled with rage inside) to make him feel bad. He then tried to apologize for the way it came out and he said 'I'm kidding you know that, if i was a writer like you, working at the bookstore would be ideal. you know, but I want to work in graphic design so being a Head Cashier here is like, dumb, you know. I couldn't imagine being 23 and still working here'.

So cute. So young. So naive.

I agreed some. And then walked away, trying not to destroy something. I let the comment go the rest of the day. I went about my shift as if he hadn't just said that. And then I got home, and it ate at me. It burned through my flesh and tore at my veins. What the hell?! What a polarizing thing to say to someone. As if I enjoy being a 25 year old bookseller because I know how to put a couple of sentences together to form a cohesive thought. What a dumb thing to say to someone just because you assume they lack ambition? The comment infuriates me on so many levels and insults my already bruised ego.

I sure as hell don't want to be anyone's template on 'what not to do'. I sure as hell don't want to be anyone's worse case scenario. Because truthfully, despite the aggravation, frustration and general anxieties I know that I have more potential than being at Le Sad Store and I am working my ass off to prove this to myself.

And it sucks hardcore that everyone around me is leaving, that everything is in this beautiful state of change (again) and I feel left behind. But I know this won't last forever. It is not as if I am standing still while everything revolves around me. It is not as if I have given up hope that I will get a new job, or a UK production scheme, or maybe incentive to try grad school. I know this.

I just have to keep moving and catch up to the things that I want. It's a lot harder than I thought. He'll learn that in a few years.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings.

I should get dressed and out of bed. There are so many books I want to read this summer and despite the thunderstorm clouds I see from my window, I really want to stop by the library and pick up a few things. I don't know why the library is so relaxing. Oh, because there are free books. My bad.

~Beckett

Rainy Sunday.

I've up and done something to internet explorer. I haven't been able to log into blogger for days now. I guess this can be shelved as a 'check, check, one, two three...is this thing working' post. I apologize in advance for the randomness.

I know blogger was updating it's server a few days ago, but something has happened between Tuesday and now. I couldn't login at first. And then when that failed, I was unable to access the website altogether. I was having quite the panic attack about this.

I thought I lost all of my entries from the get go. I accessed the site from my phone and it suggested that I try using another internet browser because I probably messed up cookie feature.So for now, i'll have to use Safari in order to access my blog, at least until I can figure out what the hell I did on internet explorer.

Anyway,

I requested today off a couple of weeks ago because I had plans with my aunt and cousin to attend an art fair in Sleepy Hollow. But we are a family full of flakes, and she didn't call this week to set up a time to be at her house and I was to lazy to call and ask her if our plans were still on. Plus, I kind of just wanted a weekend to myself again.

I'm a selfish, selfish girl and quite possibly the only 25 year old who likes not having anything to do on the weekend.

With summer just around the corner, I am making half-hearted attempts to a) curb my terrible eating habits (um, eating anything in my sights that looks like a cookie) and prepare myself for a summer of activity and job hunting.

I actually spent some time today applying to another literary agency gig in the city. It's a pretty small company (3 agents and the owner) but I feel oddly confident about getting an interview. I am weeks away from having to face student loan repayments which is causing a damn near heart attack before sleep. I am in the home stretch and have to find something quick.

Le Sad Store is still cutting hours all the while interviewing people to hire for the summer. My attitude has been less than stellar making it even harder to bear dealing with customers and screaming children. The other day, some mom let her kid trail popcorn all around the kids department. She did not clean this mess up when she left and I refused to do so while I was there. So the department smelled of kernel all day.

Outside of my dissatisfaction at work, I think my weird funk, lag, is all but behind me. While I am not excited about hotter weather (I prefer wind and rain) the sun has inspired activity. I am jotting down a reading list for the summer, along with various places I'd like to visit in or around the city. Apparently in Brooklyn there is a rooftop cinema where you can watch classic movies. I will find someone to drag to this. I will.

Plus there are going to be many parks and zoos now available to explore. Having a steady job, with steady income would fund these excursions well. Heather has been damn near perfect in advice, as we are both in the same position. Outside of talking up Harry Potter to such acclaim that I had no choice but to start reading the series, we are job hunting buddies.

And after checking out this agency, I like it a lot. Their website is pretty basic but i've been able to get a sense of the people who work there via facebook (and one of their leading agents is a cute Brit. tee hee). But who knows. I have to apply first, and hope that my qualifications pay off, and hope that I am not scared shitless during the interview like I was last time. I'll worry about all of that when it comes around, I guess.

I think I am going to finish the rest of my Sunday night, finishing up Harry Potter and listening to Beach House. I'm more relieved that blogger works and that I haven't lost this journal. I was starting to get worried after countless attempts to connect to the site.

My anxiety has now been put to rest and I don't have to start writing post from the library again. Last time I attempted that I sat next to a guy clearly looking at porn.

~Beckett

She's Just Not That Into You....No, Seriously.

So I have this friend at work who left his pregnant wife for a cafe server soon after I started working at Le Sad Store. Yeah it was pretty bad.

For weeks all anyone could do was gossip about how 'distasteful' the whole thing was. He was 24 at the time and married a girl who he 'didn't really love but felt really close'to'. His exact words. A lot of people from work even attended their small wedding. And soon she became pregnant with their kid.

So when he started being really friendly with Cafe Chick, everyone silently judged. When he started being touchy touchy with her, every one was grossed out. And when he announced that he was leaving his now 8 months pregnant wife, well, everyone called him out on it.

This alone should have stopped me from being friends with him. Cheating is icky. I would feel all sorts of betrayed if the guy I was seeing decided he that needed someone else to satisfy him. I would feel all sorts of ashamed that I'd let this guy into my life only for him to step all over our commitment.


And cheating is cheating. Whether you are married or dating some guy or a girl, the moment you step outside of a relationship is wrong.

But me and this guy have grown to form quite the friendship outside my first initial impression of him. Outside of my lack of respect for his character and actions. In fact, despite him being a cheater, he's one of my closest friends at work. He introduced me to doctor who, we've hung out a billion time watching movies and talking about superheroes. I find him to be a funny, interesting though flawed friend.


But I've never 'agreed' with his relationship with this cafe server. Not just because he cheated on his wife with this chick. But as very platonic friend, I think it's safe to admit that Cafe Girl and him make an odd couple.

Their relationship has always been weird because outside of, i guess, sexual attraction,they are polar opposites. She is a moody girl, who complains a lot and takes things way to seriously. She is also a control freak. He is a childish man/child who cannot take anything seriously even when you want him to. And he often throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way and then expects everyone to care about what is ailing him.

She treats him like a child (she has reason too) and he relies on her like she is a mom. A bunch of us recently stopped going over their house (yep, they moved in together) because the tension between them was unbearable. I once went over to watch horror movies with him and when she came home I invited her to stay and join us in our horror marathon. She immediately accepted the invitation and took a seat next to him on the couch.

The complaints continued the instant she sat down. The popcorn was too salty, the movie sucked, why didn't he take out the recyclables, why were we talking through the movie. I quickly decided that I would stay until the movie ended and then make my way home to my safe pleasant house.

I don't know when the honeymoon period ended for them (or if it ever really started) but they fight nonstop in front of any and everyone. And not in a funny playful way. They argue about the stupidest things and then shoot each other 'i hate you' stares.


For the past year, he has made comments to everyone that he was going to break up with her. That she is an awful girlfriend who completely emasculates him in public. He talks badly about her nonstop when she isn't around to the point where we all sort of roll our eyes in a 'do it already or shut up' way.

And I know as a friend I should tolerate at least hearing about their failing relationship but to be honest I couldn't care less. A part of me attributes his complete misery in this relationship to karma. That he is getting exactly what he deserved.


Last week a couple of us went to an arcade( i slayed zombies like a champ) to blow off some steam. The whole bus ride there He wouldn't let up about his relationship problems. They hate each other, they don't talk, she doesn't want to be touched, he hates going home. I sort of zoned out. Then tried to change the conversation. Then zoned out again and played with my camera phone.


I just can't take pity on a cheater who is now miserable in his current relationship. I can't. And the fact that they've both let it go on this long is just....dumb.

But we were all sort of surprised when a few days ago he posted online that he was now single! That they were finally over! But it wasn't him who pulled the plug

After months of talking badly about her to other people, wishing he would have stayed with his ex-wife, getting customers number at work ( I forgot to add that part) and telling every one that Cafe Server was the worst mistake in his life....she left him.

She told him that she was no longer loved him and that she needs to move on with her life.



Oh-em-gee.


I of course found all of this out via facebook (the site is becoming a headache) and sent him a text message. He said that he wanted tell me what happened in person and if I was able to grab coffee or something. This was Friday and surprisingly I had plans to hang out with Heather (i adore this girl) that afternoon. I told him that I was going to be busy most of the day but that I could swing by work later for a little while.


I was having a perfectly nerdy time with Heather the next day, which made having to see him (and hear about the breakup) even more of a nuisance. Heather and I watched Kickass at her house while eating pizza and filling in our life experiences. She showed me so more job sites to beef up my search and I looked over her resume to give some feedback. The fact that I've made a friend who is like me in so many ways is amazing. The fact that I have a friend outside of Le Sad Store is even better. We are really hitting it off.

And just as she was convincing me to give the Harry Potter series a try (she wants to have a harry potter movie marathon before the last one comes out in July) I got a text from Him asking where I was. I didn't even realize that it was getting late and me and Heather were still having a blast.Though I hate using phones while hanging out with people, I excused myself to text him back saying 'I'm in the middle of something, but I'll be there as soon as I can'. I apologized to Heather for having to put an end to our awesome day but 'my friend just broke up with his girlfriend.....drama time'.

She dropped me off at work and I found him sulking in the break room. The first thing he said was 'I can't believe she broke up with me. I gave up everything for her and loved her'.

Um, weren't you just badmouthing her two days ago, didn't you just show me a picture of some chick you went on a 'kinda date' with while Cafe Chick went on a trip. I don't understand why suddenly there is an about face. Why suddenly you are the victim in your relationships demise.

I didn't think it was possible that someone could get more annoying without a significant other but he is proving otherwise. Suddenly, in a platonic way of course, I have had to console him in his heartache. He wants to talk all the time. He wants to know what went wrong and why. He wants to win her back because outside of hating her guts, he loves her. He can't believe she broke up with him first.

There is only so much I can tolerate as a girl. During these conversations I find myself drifting to a place where his voice cannot be heard. I find myself wanting to say something incredibly rude like 'maybe she broke up with you because while she wasn't the best girlfriend (and actively pursued a married man) you aren't a good boyfriend at all".

The guy is 26! Divorced, a father and still lacking any sense of responsibility for everything he does. How do you accumulate this much baggage at 26? How do you expect anyone (especially) me to feel pity.

I have no idea what to do. He wants me to help him look for an apartment in the next week or so, but I fear that he will suggest that the two of us should become roommates (hell no). Or worse. That I will fully grow so sick of hearing about how 'she wronged him' that I will be incredibly rude and distance myself from him.

Because while I disagree with their whole relationship, Cafe Chick may have a point. Why stay with someone you aren't completely interested in. Why continue shaking up in an apartment when you cannot tolerate the sight of each other. Maybe, simply put, she is just not interested in being his girlfriend anymore. And to tell you the truth, I can't really fault her.

Tis Friday!

I have today off. It's weird. I'm so not use to having Friday's off I had to remind myself last night that I did not have to go to bed early for work in the morning.





This week has felt less like a mini-vacation and more like an 'errand running and hanging out with people' week. I've totally ignored some deadlines in favor of applying to jobs, hitting up an arcade and cooking pasta.

I recently found this incredibly awesome internship to apply to and am investing a lot of energy to submit the application before the closing date. Sorry Literary Agency you'll get your reader response next week.



Did I mention this internship is in the UK! A while back I was interested in applying to a production work scheme with BBC. It was after I went on an interview with BBC America that I starting looking into actual work programs over there. I love British television. Outside of Doctor Who, the Brits know how to make good television programs. Survivors, Mr. Bean, Blackadder, Monday/Monday, It Crowd, the Inbetweeners. I could go on.

So on some level it makes sense to learn more about British programming in the UK.



Overseas most of the work schemes or internships are paid for and because I have little ties to my life in the states combined with a huge desire to be near British boys, I've been hunting down the right internship since August.





The BBC one turned out to be a bust. The application was beyond impossible to complete. Not only did it require a lengthy written application but I would have to send in a production reel. So, I put that opportunity behind me (production reel, that would involve learning how to edit first) and kept searching. A few days ago I stumbled upon a communications and marketing internship with another television company. It's a 12 month, paid internship in a field of my interest (kinda) and would be amazing if I got it.





The application is due next Saturday. I'm sending it in on Monday. I don't even care if this is a ridiculous thing to do. I'm doing it. And if I get it, I would freak out beyond freak out. Could you imagine the things I'd see and write about.





I realize now that wanting a change and actually making the change happen are two different things. And four days away from the Le Sad Store has put many a things in perspective. In retail, even though cashiers and customer service people deal with a majority of people's bullshit all day (some later cried in front of me on Wednesday because she was new to the area and hated everything) we are low on the totem poll, even to the managers. Oh, the store couldn't function without us busting our ass but no one cares because we are replaceable. There is some other desperate, young sap ready to take our place.





Despite my hours being cut dramatically, Le Sad Store is actually hiring new people. The other day some girl called in to check on the status of on the interview she came in for the week before. She will most likely will start in a few weeks and I am not too pleased about this only because all we hear about are the amount of hours the store isn't able to give out because of fiscal year b.s. and now we are hiring more people who will, take hours away from us.





At 25 I really do want to work for a company that believes in me as much I as believe it. And that, along with wanting to utilize real skills, is why I need to leave Le Sad Store. Wow, I think I just said a very adult thing. Weird.





So while I have a manuscript report to compose, a post to write (darren criss post most likely) and a room that is in serious need of cleaning I have been using most of my energy to sound smart, witty and awesome as hell for this internship. I don't know if I'll get it or if Americans are allowed to apply but it can't hurt. Right? I could finally be UK bound. For a whole year, and I wouldn't be broke.



Outside of working on the application today, Heather (the old friend I'm reconnecting with) and I are going to munch on pizza and watch movies at her place for a little bit. She is actually the most delightful person I've met here. It's like our friendship has just been on pause for the last 15 years and we've picked up quite nicely as friends. It's nice having a friend outside of Le Sad Store, someone I can just watch movies with and talk about Darren Criss or Tosh 2.0 without sounding nerdy.

So yeah, on my very first Friday off in a very long time, I've got a internship to apply to, a post to write and a friend to hang out with. Things are looking up. Except for my allergies which are beating the hell out of me, things are looking up.

May 4th 2011.

Yesterday (may 4th )my nephew Elijah would have turned four years old. Oh, wow where is time going.

I just learned that today/tonight, yesterday (I'm writing at a weird hour. sorry) that the fourth of May is Star Wars day or something. He was born on Stars War day.

I have had many discussions at work about nerd culture and whether I fall into the category of nerdom. It's weird, I didn't think that there needed to be any discussions on whether I was a nerd. Apparently they weren't friends with me in high school or college.

It wasn't until I moved up here that I learned that my nerdy, and geeky and book wormy self does not automatically classify me as a nerd, per se. Not to any of the people I hang out with anyway.


In actuality, I am a person (by somes standards) who has all the nerd like qualities while lacking the essential 'depth' to earn the nerd badge. The depth stems from the fact that I have never seen Star Wars and apparently any one who considers themselves a nerd has had to seen Star Wary.

Yep, I may be the only person in the whole entire world who hasn't seen any of the movies. And not because I haven't had access to them but because, in all honesty, I have had no interest in seeing them.

I like some space movies, but this one has never drawn me in. And, like my hesitation with Doctor Who, I'm afraid it's nerdiness will suck me in.

So I haven't seen them. I haven't even made the attempts to. And apparently in nerd land, or being a human being land, this disqualifies in terms of labeling myself a nerd.

And today of all days I learned that the 4th is a huge stars day. Everyone at work kept saying things like "my the fourth be with you' while I shrugged my shoulders and went about my own solitary business.
When someone asked what was wrong, I mumbled something along the lines of 'i don't give a shit about Star Wars day' and sulked away. Because May 4th will never be Stars Wars for me. It will always be Elijah's birthday. It will always be some day that we won't be able to celebrate with him. It'll always be a day where I'd like to acknowledge he existed among the stars just for a little while.

Grief continues to be a very weird thing. I am more emotional around his birthday than the day he died. For the past two years my family and I have used July 4th as a celebration of his short life. We pretend that the fireworks that light the sky are for him in some weird celebratory way. That everyone is kissing the sky with their praises of him.

But on his birthday, I can't escape the reality that the day of his birth will always be difficult. It will always remind me that time continues to go on without him. That every year we get older and form new memories and bonds and yet he will always be a life interrupted in our story.

And I don't know anger. Not real anger anyway. I don't know how to be completely pissed at whomever for his death. I can only feel this incredible sadness around his birthday. I can only imagine who he would have been. And the truth is more devastating than fiction.

We weren't incredibly close to his mom (my brothers ditsy ex-girlfriend). She moved away before Elijah was born and remains in the Midwest somewhere. She was a nomadic sort of gal with no homestead and an eagerness to escape. We have stopped any and all communications with her even though she calls every once in a while to see how we are doing. We blame her in a way. We have our reasons.

And I know, that if he'd reached four my mom, brother and I would have been very distinct relatives to him. We would be voices on the phone. Corny birthday cards and oddly smiling people in photos to him. We wouldn't have known him that well, I wouldn't be able to tell you his favorite color or tv show. I wouldn't be able to describe his laughter or cries. I would only be able to tell you that I loved him because he was family. The first born son to my very immature brother.

Even then this reality of what his life at four would have been is not what keeps me up at night. It is not what makes me sad on the fourth of May. The toddler I imagine him being and the life I wished he would have had continues to weigh heavy. I am overcome by tears from time to time; at work, walking home, or in my room at night because what I mourn the most about his death is that he will never get to be a part of this stupid beautiful, terrifying and strangely comforting world.

He will never get to not watch Star Wars or misbehave in public to the point where my mom gives the evil eye. He will celebrate holidays with us or graduate kindergarten. He will never grow to hate or resent us, like we all do of our relatives. He will never grow to accept our craziness for love and to bury his face in our shoulders.

And everyday the world just keeps revolving and happening and going on. We just keep getting older and celebrating dumb Star Wars day and being alive ....and he's not here to be apart of it. And I don't think I'll ever get over that. I don't think it'll ever make sense of that in my mind.

His birthday continues to be difficult. We continue to talk about him as the 'baby'. As if he isn't really gone at all but instead just tucked away into some pocket of time we aren't allowed to access yet. As if he is hiding and waiting for us to find him.

But it's weird to say that with time, grief is becoming bearable. That the will pangs of sadness flood me even more than the did when he died, I am learning to adapt out of love. That with time, we aren't forgetting him, we are just learning to adapt around his absence. Out of love. It what keeps us going.

It makes it easier, knowing that while time is erasing the particulars of him from my memories that I can hold on to the fact that he continues to be loved (terribly) and missed (terribly) and mourned (terribly) on May 4th. A day that will forever be his. Out of love.

Here We Go Again.

Because my job is awesome (wait for it) and fair (wait for it) and distributes hours evenly among employees (wait for it) I have four days off this week. Four. Can you sense the sarcasm.

On Wednesday the schedule for this week was posted and I nearly cried when I saw that I would only be working Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday. Three days of short five hour closing shifts. Thanks to Evil Manager, I am not going to make any money this week, which won't help my increasing brokeassness.

I called my mom in near panic when I saw the schedule and she said I should go to Evil Manager and say something. That I should explain that I know that hours are being slashed left and right but that I can't live off off of three days. I can't even kind of live off of three days. But I hate having to explain my financial situation to people. I hate having to bring up the fact that I am supporting myself solely from this job and can barely do so with this money alone.



I am still applying to jobs, writing 'look at me' cover letters, and running to my phone every time it rings hoping that it is some employer but my spirits have been a little low (even with new doctor who episodes airing) and this Le Sad Store mess almost put me out of commission. I feel all over the place and tired and general disinterest in anything outside of sleep.

But time is not on my side. I don't really have the luxury of wallowing for too long. Some days I have to tell myself to keep moving forward, despite the hurdles that continue to present themselves.

I feel like we should still be in march. I don't know what the hell happened to April or why it is already the 2nd of May but summer is right around the corner and any thought I had of having a job by the first of may is completely out the window.

It's strange. Very strange. To think that only months ago I thought I would have a job by now and yet I am still in the same situation, if not worse. I am still at Le Sad Store, I am still broke as broke can get and I I still have no concrete idea of what I will be doing in the next few months.

I just need concrete ways to get from my ideas to reality. Which is very hard to do because I am a daydreamer. But I'd rather sit down and map out what exactly I need to do in order to get me where I need to be, rather than dreaming up a life I am not any closer to having.

I am envious of the people around me who have actual plans for the future, none involving being at Le Sad Store.Evan is taking up bar tending classes in the city so he can get some sort of license. People still in school are either going abroad or taking some time off to hang out with friends at the beaches near by.

And me, while I'm starting to feel like a staple at the store, the one constant thing there that everyone can reference back to. The person who isn't 'going anywhere'.

I am frustrated, which is terrible to be when everything around me is in bloom. I am not much of a green thumb, i have the worst allergies in the world, and I am not really a fan of hot weather but with Summer coming around I feel some form excitement in my belly for the warmth and possibility.

The greyness of winter is all but forgotten. It's as if I went to bed one rainy night and woke up to green lawns filled with tulips. No lie. And outside of my general frustration and resentment, I am as excited about summer. I am going to buy skirts (because they are cheap and not heavy) and t-shirts to replace my current wardrobe of sweaters and pants. I want to buy a plant for my room along with de-cluttering the place. And I am storing up recipes to try when I have the kitchen all to myself.

I am even planning small trips to the city. Nothing as epic as my birthday, but I am obsessed with finding another garden retreat. And the zoo, central park and other outdoorsy things are on my brain. Which is a good thing. I need a break from my routine. My birthday extravaganza put me in such a great mood that I hope to replicate the same optimism and enthusiasm that ushered March in.

Because I know loan repayments are just around the corner. I know this. And I know that the job hunt is tiresome and daunting (despite my valiant efforts to do so). But I I have to put things in perspective, and I have to keep my spirits up and I can't drop anchor here, even if more sleepless nights are in my future.

There are things I really have to contemplate. I really must figure out if going to England for a production scheme is realistic (though the thought is the most ideal aspect). Or if I can tolerate or afford grad school ( I really don't want to go to grad school) or if I should just get a new job altogether as Le Sad Store seems to have no space for me anymore.

I don't know. All the thinking makes me tired, weary and a little angry but with April out of the picture I can focus on making waves in May. Something has to change soon. I know I say this a lot and by now it sounds like a broken record, but it has to for my sanity and peace of mind.

And with four days off this week I minus well use the time to figure some things out.