Here We Go Again.

Because my job is awesome (wait for it) and fair (wait for it) and distributes hours evenly among employees (wait for it) I have four days off this week. Four. Can you sense the sarcasm.

On Wednesday the schedule for this week was posted and I nearly cried when I saw that I would only be working Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday. Three days of short five hour closing shifts. Thanks to Evil Manager, I am not going to make any money this week, which won't help my increasing brokeassness.

I called my mom in near panic when I saw the schedule and she said I should go to Evil Manager and say something. That I should explain that I know that hours are being slashed left and right but that I can't live off off of three days. I can't even kind of live off of three days. But I hate having to explain my financial situation to people. I hate having to bring up the fact that I am supporting myself solely from this job and can barely do so with this money alone.



I am still applying to jobs, writing 'look at me' cover letters, and running to my phone every time it rings hoping that it is some employer but my spirits have been a little low (even with new doctor who episodes airing) and this Le Sad Store mess almost put me out of commission. I feel all over the place and tired and general disinterest in anything outside of sleep.

But time is not on my side. I don't really have the luxury of wallowing for too long. Some days I have to tell myself to keep moving forward, despite the hurdles that continue to present themselves.

I feel like we should still be in march. I don't know what the hell happened to April or why it is already the 2nd of May but summer is right around the corner and any thought I had of having a job by the first of may is completely out the window.

It's strange. Very strange. To think that only months ago I thought I would have a job by now and yet I am still in the same situation, if not worse. I am still at Le Sad Store, I am still broke as broke can get and I I still have no concrete idea of what I will be doing in the next few months.

I just need concrete ways to get from my ideas to reality. Which is very hard to do because I am a daydreamer. But I'd rather sit down and map out what exactly I need to do in order to get me where I need to be, rather than dreaming up a life I am not any closer to having.

I am envious of the people around me who have actual plans for the future, none involving being at Le Sad Store.Evan is taking up bar tending classes in the city so he can get some sort of license. People still in school are either going abroad or taking some time off to hang out with friends at the beaches near by.

And me, while I'm starting to feel like a staple at the store, the one constant thing there that everyone can reference back to. The person who isn't 'going anywhere'.

I am frustrated, which is terrible to be when everything around me is in bloom. I am not much of a green thumb, i have the worst allergies in the world, and I am not really a fan of hot weather but with Summer coming around I feel some form excitement in my belly for the warmth and possibility.

The greyness of winter is all but forgotten. It's as if I went to bed one rainy night and woke up to green lawns filled with tulips. No lie. And outside of my general frustration and resentment, I am as excited about summer. I am going to buy skirts (because they are cheap and not heavy) and t-shirts to replace my current wardrobe of sweaters and pants. I want to buy a plant for my room along with de-cluttering the place. And I am storing up recipes to try when I have the kitchen all to myself.

I am even planning small trips to the city. Nothing as epic as my birthday, but I am obsessed with finding another garden retreat. And the zoo, central park and other outdoorsy things are on my brain. Which is a good thing. I need a break from my routine. My birthday extravaganza put me in such a great mood that I hope to replicate the same optimism and enthusiasm that ushered March in.

Because I know loan repayments are just around the corner. I know this. And I know that the job hunt is tiresome and daunting (despite my valiant efforts to do so). But I I have to put things in perspective, and I have to keep my spirits up and I can't drop anchor here, even if more sleepless nights are in my future.

There are things I really have to contemplate. I really must figure out if going to England for a production scheme is realistic (though the thought is the most ideal aspect). Or if I can tolerate or afford grad school ( I really don't want to go to grad school) or if I should just get a new job altogether as Le Sad Store seems to have no space for me anymore.

I don't know. All the thinking makes me tired, weary and a little angry but with April out of the picture I can focus on making waves in May. Something has to change soon. I know I say this a lot and by now it sounds like a broken record, but it has to for my sanity and peace of mind.

And with four days off this week I minus well use the time to figure some things out.