Hysterical Blindness

My room is a mess.

I notice that the state of my room, always dictates the complete state of mind that i am in right now. So i guess, i'm pretty cluttered with all these thoughts and things that need to get done in less than two weeks.

So now i have to clean my whole room, or i will be unable to get work done, and will do as i did yesterday...which was nothing. I mean physically i couldn't do anything yesterday. I crawled into bed, brought the blanket and Bruce(my stuffed animal) close to me, and spent the whole day watching tv. I need at least one nonproductive day before the grind of next week.

I've admitted that i am a tv junkie. It's not that i live for watching the tube, its complete and utter entertainment for me. I just need the noise of voices speaking in the background, and usually as i study or even listen to music i will glance up at the tv, when i hear a certain phrase that catches my ears. Yesterday it was "So does this mean that you all have sex together". My head shot up.

So....I hate Montel. If you haven't seen it, it is like the last actual "talk show" left, other than Maury, Jerry, and whoever else. What i hate about Montel is that i feel he really wants to do a service to the viewers by coming up with these topics for his shows. I mean Jerry is clearly a carnival, Maury has only 4 shows "Whose my baby daddy", "my daughter is a tramp", "Makeover Specials," and "ect(which are his misc. shows), Ricki is two steps away from being a three ring circus, and Sally was one crazy woman with big red glasses. They all knew their show was complete garbage, for fun and showing us how better our lives are for not being as screwed up as the guest on the show. Not Montel. He makes a valiant effort to produce "good" "heartwrenching" tv that seems to fall flat on his face. But i try to watch it when i come to my room early and have 20 minutes to spare.

Yesterday their was a show on a new "lifestyle" among married people. Apparently there are many couples in the states who are inviting another couples to be "married" with them. So the wife will have 2 husbands, and the husbands will in return have to wives. They live in sexual bliss, mixing up partners from night to night. They live together, and i don't know how the sleeping arrangment goes, but the whole time i was like "EWWWW". What was funny though was when Montel went in the audience asking what they thought of this new "lifestyle"The woman all had the "Thats nasty" face while the men were like "well if it works..." followed by a glare from their significant others.

We already know my position on marriage. And i bet by now Mike(who i usually have these conversations with) must think i am some feminist or something. Deep down though, i think we all kind of want that commitment with someone else. I mean even i from time to time(don't hold this against me, i have never admitted this before) wonder about how i might like married life. I mean coming home to a familar face, being committed to someone, having a life that is shared with someone else. Dinner with friends, owning a home together, and even the routine of it all that would make the hecticness of life a little more bearable. Maybe because ,i at least, like the familarity of it, that no matter what i coming back to someone who shares the same notion that we love each and are willing to stick it through. That is what carries us through life, and life would be a lot easier if we shared it together.

But thats only somedays.

Watching the Montel thing, i was like "there is no way in hell i would invite a couple into my marriage just because i or my husband is attracted to one of them". I mean...EWWW. Even if Gavin Degraw, my future husband, was like "Beck, i love you..but our marriage would be a little more spicier if we..." No. No. No. and then more No. I may not always get the whole concept of marrige, but i do know that if i or Gavin :) wasn't completely commited to each other, and was going to invite every other person we were attracted to in a relationship, well i wouldn't be with him. I wouldn't get married, i wouldn't pass it off as some lifestyle to justify my freakiness. Married people scare me.

So then i must have passed out or blacked out or something, cause the next thing i now it's 8 o'clock and i'm watching "The biggest loser" which i never watch. I've now decided i'm going to eat cake, pizza, and every other fatty food, so i can gain a lot of weight, than apply for the show, lose a hell of a lot of weight, returning to 110, and then win 250,000 and prove to everyone that i am really hot. The whole show was stupid.

Basically you take insecure people with weight problems. Put them on a show called "THE BIGGEST LOSER", document their difficulties with food, by tempting them with cupcakes, and pizza. Catch all their tears, screaming match, and relapses. Then scare the hell out of them but voting them off but bringing them back for a 2 hour finale to put them on scale to see if they have lost any weight. It must be torture, I think the whole process would be great if it wasn't on TV but then that wouldn't bring in the ratings or something. The whole time they were like "i kept the weight off, because i really need the money" some were like "i wanted a life time change" but you saw how "i'm so pretty now" they had all become, and i had to ditch the show for something not so depressing.

Anyway

I've never made a New's Year Resolution, because i think we make to break them. Some how having a list of what we want to improve, seems to show how A) easily it can be improved b) how unwilling we are to improving them which is why we break them.

So i have opted for a "starting over" resolution, that has not been completed yet, but was what i was thinking about as i got my sub today. I guess in more ways then one, i am tired of the routine of not having the friends that i want, the acedmic career that i want, the social life and boy that i want, and other things that are in reach but that i'm not stretching out far enough to grab. The main thing i learned when i went to the conference was to enjoy my undergraduate life, because Med School kind of leaves you dry. So... i don't want to be the life of the party, i don't want to go to football games, keg parties, and make out with some random dude twice a week. But i would like meaningful relationships, i would like to feel apart of something, even if it's just a really small something.

For reason connections are important. When you have bad days, off days, or just days when you want to go get a burrito with a friend. They are important because we don't feel so lonely without them. We don't feel like a pariah. And on a Saturday night we aren't cursing at the chemistry problems we have been working on for five hours. We need connections to fill in the cracks. Those times, when we just need someone to talk to. Someone to be there. Thats not asking for a lot i suppose.

Well time to clean. I'm a horrible cleaner, half assed is the way that i do it. As long as i can get most of the clutter in a proper place, i will feel better. I hope.

I've Escaped Today

I have run away today.

Maybe to Argentina, with a hot boy named Eduardo. We are couped away in an apartment reading Hemingway by candle light. Drinking white wine, and from time to time discussing our deepest thoughts, fears, and aspirations. He doesn't ask much from me, just to be open to talking with him. We stay up til 2 just talking, falling asleep soon after. I imagine i would want the rest of my life spent with him, full of books, wine, and chatter.

or Maybe

I've escaped to England.
My friend and i attacking each coffee shop with an enthusiam not seen by most.We are backpacking, American girls ready to see Europe. We talk of plans to see the Palace, Art Museum, Castles where i can imagine i am a princess, and walk around the gardens. We go shopping, and take pictures of the all the places we seen. Smiling faces, no worries, a past left way behind.

I could be:
Taking a road trip around the states. In a volvo, or an SUV. we packed the essentials. Not even enough money to stay in nice hotels. We want see this big country. Not what we learned from text books, but to see the Delaware River, go to Oregon Coast, wear my Yankee gear in Boston, grab a philly cheesesteak in Philadelphia, get a deep dish in Chicago(take a picture by the Oprah studio for my mom), enjoy the plains of the midwest. We have no idea where we want to stop the trip, just that may never get a chance to do it again, so we'll enjoy it.

So i've escaped today. A day of cloudy skies, sad faces, head that won't stop hurting,being ignored, and feeling if at any moment i could be exposed as the girl who escapes time, a time that seems to fly by before you even know where it went.

I've escaped because i'm tired.

And i don't know if i ever want to return.

"Beckett.Bringing Couples together since 1986"

When i was home over the holidays, my mom joked that she had given birth to a modern day cupid.

So where does this stem from...

All my life i have been told that my greatest character trait is that i have a huge heart. I usually am told this in my sulking days, when i feel that no one likes me, and i meant to just be friend/boy/love less. As a child i grew up believing i had no talents. I mean i played the violin and acted in more school plays than anyone, but i felt i didn't have any of the cool talents like the people around me. My brother was an amazing drawer, my mom was a painter, my dad is a writer and has an amazingly high IQ, even my friends seemed more talented than me. I mean Ben was a model in middle school, matthew was a math genuis, even Nicholas played in the band, and heather was a gymnast. While everyone had these cool talents, i had a violin i carried around all day and a pension for doing school plays. But time and time again the one thing i would hear is that i had an amazingly huge heart, and that is made me special.

I got out of that "i suck" phase for a while, trying everything from soccer,track, gymnast(which i liked), and i would have been a ballerina but i think by then my mom was tired of spending all this money for me to quit later on. I mean some days i can be charming, witty, totally approachable and likeable surprising myself sometimes. Surprising others too. But most of the time i just feel awkward, like i'm once again walking around with a new sign that says "beware...doesn't communicate well, and makes poor eye contact". Apparently people don't mind it, especially Kay and her Husband.

As i mentioned they are kind of separated, may be getting a divorce, and have had a rough patch these last coupe of months. They are working on it, but some days there is doubt in her mind that they can work it out. Apparently that are charmed by me, i guess i was in one of my "charming moods" (damn the curse of a pisces female), i made them laugh and now i seem to be the center of their reunion as a couple. Kay called me over the Break and talked about general stuff, but mentioned how i seemed to come up in conversations a lot between the two of them. I feel like the bridge between troubled waters, but am a little freaked out by my affect on them. They want me to come over for dinner in the near future and i'm like "?".

I have somehow injected them with my infectious neurotic aura, and though i am not comfortable with my personality yet, they seem to be. And i have become the staple in the tearing pieces of their lives. And i have no idea how i feel about it yet. This isn't the first time i have brought opposites, strained, people together. Though mainly it was just friends, but i don't know how i feel about bringing a almost divorced couple together. I mean it's like my big realization, even my brother says that if we weren't siblings he doesn't think we would have hung out in everyday life, but some how, when he's not being crazy, we get along better than most siblings. My mom always jokes that she has no idea where i can from because i'm so different and inject something in to her life that brigthens her life everyday, and i always get the "what am i going to do with you" laugh from my father at the end of all our conversations on the phone.

So for now i'm okay with the prospect of being a conversation piece for a marriage on the rocks. Though the talk about me coming over for dinner alot. As long as that don't invite me to some weird "key" party. I don't want no freaky swingers on my hand, who once again want to steal my virginity and sell it to the highest bidder. Sorry if that is a common theme of mine, guess i'm just afraid of being a crack whore or something.

(sidenote: I am really into to documentary,and HBO does a really good job of putting on good Docs on Sunday. So one night i was prepared to watch a doc on hookers, and the life of a street whore. My brother had seen it, and said it was a good one, my mom even knew i was staying up to watch it. CREEPIST HOUR OF MY WHOLE LIFE. After watching it, i wanted to be a nun, i wanted nothing to do with dirty old men, i went to bed holding my blanket and stuffed animals as if i was that legless hooker on the corner with the knocked out teeth and crack addiction. So if i mention crack whores in entries blame HBO. Scared the hell out of me)

So i don't know, maybe i have brought them together. Even if i'm creeped out by the prospect that i bring people together, when i myself cannot even bring cute Art Boys to me. Damn cute Art Boy, i haven't seen him in a while, which i guess is good makes it easier to get over the crush i had on him. I don't want to be cupid, i don't want to fix up people's relationships. I want hugs and kisses and camping out in the living room watching a marathon of what not to wear without him getting annoyed. No one wants to be cupid, cupid brings love, but gets none in return.

I notice today that the reason i have a bad time with remembering peoples's names is because i associate everyone with a nickname when i meet them. My nicknames used to be "Mickey" because when i get excited about something my voice gets crazy high, which is why i reframe from yelling, it could be deadly( I would use Mama Bling as a nickname, but i'm afraid i may attract the pimp i saw last month =) ). I realized this walking down the street and i saw a boy i thought was cute last year, his nickname is Paint By Numbers guy. Because he is like a 100x hotter version of the paint by numbers dude from the 80's they have the same hair, i swear. Other nicknames i have used for people in the past

Jersey
Boston
Girl with the Tude
Red Headed Mun chi chi
Waldo
Dances with Wolves
Terminator
Pinky Boy
Ponce De leon
Kid with Tight Pants
French Toast
Girl with a Big Earring
...and others

It's not that i don't want to call them by their first name, it's just easier. I would give Art boys name, but it's so embarassing that i will spare him it. I mean he has to live with this name for the rest of his life. I tried to make a cool nickname out of his name, but the name is so blah...i couldn't. I think i know why people want boyfriends, and girlfriends, because they need to be reminded of how attractive they are. They need to be reminded that someone who is not related to you needs you, and loves you, and finds you desirable. I guess that's why i have so many crushes, because in the back of my mind, i figure they will find something about me, worth liking, and take the risk of loving me back.

Damn Art Boy.

I'm like a Bird

Well i'm back into my domain of quietness, Bruce record, the channel permantely on FX and me at my computer typing. I jumped up and down as soon as my mom left.

It's not that i don't like being home, but it's a little overwhelming, like you are reminded of every little things within the walls that were your home for so many years.

My room seemed smaller and brought back memories of my time at highschool, and waking up at 6 to get ready for school. Me writing at my window in a lock and key journal, and looking at the big old collage on my wall that took me three years to finish. And i realized how much i hated being home, because i did nothing while i was there.

This Thanksgving Break when i promised myself i would study, i spent the majority of the time watching movies(HIGH TENSION is an amazing movie, WAR OF THE WORLDS sucked) and playing video games. Growing up in a house of boys, i was the designated video game watcher. Having an older brother i was made to play the games, even though i rather read a book. I am the only girl of my immediate family so most holidays and breaks i spend getting my ass kicked playing Tekken. This is how the set up usually goes. If it is an action game (metal gear solid, resident evil) my brother has full control of the controller while i tell him where to go and how to beat the bad guy. We make a pretty good team and have beat many games this way.

Of course now my brother goes to his friends house and plays, leaving me alone with a machine that i can barely get to work most of the time. I played Splinter Cell the last couple of days, apparently i would make a pretty good operative because i don't mind waiting around for the enemy to pass me , or creep quietly through streets and buildings without being seen. I have a pension for games like Alone in the Dark, Resident Evil, Splinter Cell, and Clocktower because they are kind of mysterious and has something that needs to be solved. The story of my life i tell you.

So the end of the semester is here, and i'm freaking out. You look back and see all that you could have done differently to make the hecticness of finals less traumatic. Not the case, Bio and Chem are killing me, and i have to study so hard for them that i can pass without a problem. On the drive i saw some birds gliding through the air. And realized how much like a bird i am. Sometimes i feel like a bird with my wind clipped, preventing me from flying and soaring through the sky. I notice that i've done it to myself, that i prevented myself from soaring, from leaving the comfortable nest that i've rested in. But i want to accomplish so much, i want to push myself harder than anyone to get what i want. I mean i don't know what i want, but i know that i don't want this.

My whole life has been surrounded around plans. I planned(this was my plan at the tender age of 10) to get my liscense at 16, go to a school in Michigan, get an apartment by 20, graduate by 21, go to med school, become a doctor, have a wickedly awesome social life, with a wickedly awesome boyfriend, friends, dog name spot. But slowly i am noticing that i am plan maker whose plans never work out. I still don't have my liscense, i decided that i didn't want to go to Michigan, i do not have an apartment, or an awesomely wicked anything. Maybe i have to just let it be, i mean life... let it take it's course without fighting against the grain, maybe if i just go with the flow all the pieces will fall in the right place. But sometimes for once i wish the plans would work out, that i'd be one of those people who have it all figured out, whose plans worked, and whose life is much simplier because of it.

Being home i realized how dreaming up the life for yourself and actually creating the life for yourself are totally different things. Dreams are easier because the present no obstacles, life presents them though, obstacles seem to steam roll you to see how much you are willing to fight for it, or how easily you are willing to let the dream slip out of your hand because of the challenges that lay before you. I feel lke the clipped bird, watching the other birds soar higher then they ever imagined, and i realize how i don't want that anymore. For once i want to be one of those birds, to soar higher than ever before, to prove to myself that i can get the life that i want, instead of dreaming of the one.

So with finals week, i have to do some major ass kicking, it may be exhausting, i feel the migrane coming already, but i want my dream to come to reality, to not have it be some plan that falters because of my being afraid of taking that first giant leap from the branch. Everything results from the work you put into it, because the results is that life that you lead, and i don't want to waste my life being regretful of all the opprotunities i let slip me by.

Back to studying, though i so wish i was playing Splinter Cell right now. Or at least watching High Tension again. I have added "new DVD player" on my christmas list for my mom. Is it wrong that at 19 i still expect a lot of presents under the tree? I don't think so.

well the holidays have not killed me yet.

So i'm not dead, or suffering from a turkey hangover(okay a little).

I'm at the library using the computer, with a looming countdown that tells me that i only have 38 minutes before...i don't know 1) the computer blows up 2) my time is up and some other poor sap gets tp use the comp.

Thanksgiving was your usual, slightly burnt turkey, my brother eating way too fast, i having complete control of the remote as we watched WAR OF THE WORLDS, my mom making us set the table completely before we could eat, and then me drinking way to much welches Grape Juice and having a mad stomach ache the rest of the night. Oh a feast at the Hughes.

I go back to school tomorrow, where i may enjoy the silence but will miss my cat drooling on me, before i have to send her downstairs. I know a long space between post but i will be back tomorrow, if i survive today and the many stores we will venture to.

I promise a full report tomorrow.

-Beckett-

Vagina Monologue, Cleavage Galor, and A Girl and her jeans

If you haven't read the last post, read it before you read this one or you will probably get lost...Okay where was i.

What i forgot to mention before the four of us passed out with heels on in the hotel, is that after the "party" we had the munchies. Somewhere probably in the old dingy place, my hot drug dealer probably distributed some drugs. Of course i thought people were smoking cigarettes, but clearly there is a difference. I don't know whether it was that we hadn't eaten all day, or that we just recieved second hand smoke that made all us hungry, but by the time we got back to the hotel we were all extremely hungry. OF course it was 2 in the morning, and not much is open at 2 except those places on the other side of town that seem to attract truck drivers and unnatural creature that lurk beyond 12.

Even though i suffer from insomnia sometimes, i still get sleepy at like 11. I warned them that if i got past 11, i would be able to stay up the rest of the night . So at 2 am we all kind of agreed that we needed to eat something because we were really hungry. I wanted a hamburger. I mean i kept talking about a hamburger, from anywhere....McDonalds, Wendy's, Burger King, i don't even like Wendy's but i wanted a hamburger so bad. So we went all over the place looking for a hamburger shop, and everything was closed. Except a good ol Pancake House. Why these things stay open all night amazes me. Of course when we got out, and saw the place we wanted to run back into the car, but because of the growling stomachs we decided to just go in.

You know those movies, where the people in the car stop into a dingy waffle house, and see people who you thought never existed. Like they had a real rough life, scary faces, rough hands, an apron with like 5 years of food and vomit on it. I thought that was all just hollywood, that people don't really look like that. WHAT A SHOCK. The people who worked there looked like they seem better days. One girl was like 16 and was 6 months pregnant. Another older women had warts the size of Kentucky. The cook had so many missing teeth it wasn't even funny. We sat down at the booth and they ordered food. I saw that no teeth was also wearing no gloves which went no food for me. The rest of them were talking but i kept watching him and his dirty hands that kept touching everything and not wearing any gloves. Ashley complained that the messed up her order(least of her worries with no gloves making her food) so we had to wait another 5 minutes for them to correct it. As we were leaving, some dude followed us closely out. I mean he was all over us as we tried to go out of the door. While we were walking to the car he was like

"hey how are you" to Katherine.

I guess she thought he was being nice because she smiled and said hi back, until he was like "What's your name" Her whole voice changed she like "Katherine.And i'm married" and then we ran to the car, making sure to lock the doors and headed back to the hotel. And then they ate, i collapsed on the chair, and fell asleep.

Katherine's Story:
I knew i had to get to it sooner or later, so i minus well insert it now.Like i said I don't really know how old Kay is. I mean i thought she was like 23, when i met her. You could tell she was older than the rest of us, but not by much. Now i don't know though. She grew up in Penn before meeting her husband, Noel. So Noel and her were set up on a date by friends a while back. He was the pursuer, while she rejected him over and over again, until eventually going out with him and they have been together(on and off) since. She's lived in California, Mexico, Colorado, and because he was a Belgium cyclist, i think she may have even stayed overseas. He wasn't her first husband though, so her oldest child is like 14( 5 years younger than me...I know). Noel and her have been going through a rough patch, she owns a business with him, and last semester she said that she left him, because he didn't value her or something like that. Apparently he makes a lot of money, along with her because they have nanny and all this other expensive things. But leaving meant she was leaving all that too. So she took the kids(all three of them 2, 6, 14) and moved to a smaller place. I guess her leaving put some motivation into the guy to get his stuff together or he was going to miss out her and the kids. So though he filed for divorce back in April, they have been talking since September and are trying to fix their relationship. But i guess depending on the situation or who asks her, she will either say "i'm married" or "well...i'm kind of married but we are trying to fix things".

Back to Story

Saturday
We all woke kind of groggy the next day. We were suppose to be up promptly at 7, have breakfast by 8 and then be there at 9. Not the case. I think we may have woke up at nine. I woke up pretty early, but to not disturbe anyone, i put my head phones on and stared outside the window because the morning was beautiful. Kay woke up soon after, followed by Mandy and...well Ashley was in bed until like 9:30. Once again, we were so late that we missed the opening thing for Saturday. Mandy had no recollection of all that she said the night before, and we talked about how downhill the whole thing was. I was dressed ready to go by 9. The shower was cold and Ashley(when she finally woke up) said that she was going to complain to the Manager. They called the front desk like 5 times, because there was something wrong with the Shower, The Microwave, The iron, The outlet that the Iron was plugged into. It was just stupid. The whole thing. After a while the people at the front desk would hang up on Ashely. Because i have the most pleasant face they sent me down to ask for things. The staff seemed to like me, and once again cuteness factor played in my favor.

Leaving we were all kind of hesitant as to how this conference was actually going to be like. I mean from last nights disaster we almost all assumed that today would be no worse.

Because we got to the Hotel late there were no parkin spaces and Mandy just parked on the side, as most of the other cars did(would not play into her favor later on). Embassy suites is amazing. It's huge and open, and everyone is nice, and it's like the richest hotel i have ever been too. The problem was that everyone thought embassy suite was awesome, because everyone from little cheerleaders to pagaent drag queens seemed to pollute the place. We tried to find out where our conference was, so we headed up to the 2nd floor only to be faced with 20 man looking girls, holding dresses and yelling about their moms about maxi pads, makeup, and tape. I mean these girls's face were so caked with makeup they could form a new hybrid species. I bet without the makeup they would look like creatures from the black lagoon. It was scary, when the elevator doors open we kind of were taken aback by the faces so we made a quick exit to this building attached next to embassy suites which held all kind of events. As we hit the building, about 100 flipping(literal flipping) girls and boys came running down the hall. It was like a carcrash. When they had passed, hair was everywhere, we looked disheleved, but yet soldiered on.

We had to sign in at the table, and because i was a late registered person, i didn't get the cool name tags with my typed name on it. So i had to scribble my name with a pen on some piece of paper. We got all these cool goodies in a bag. We got scrubs(which are like 10x to big for me) a coffee mug, pens, a staple(okay wait these aren't sounded as cool as when i opened them), and a clock that said Viagra on it. But we got like a million pens so i was happy. We missed all the really good things. I mean the only section open was talking about interviews for Med school, Ashley was too busy marketing herself to some older doctors, that she didn't see us go into the room

I must say the whole thing was amazing. The three doctors who were there gave us advice on the whole med school thing were very nice and direct. Though they hammed up their schools like no other. In the middle of the whole thing, some guy came in announcing that the hotel was towing cars that were parked along the side. Mandy ran out of the room so fast, along with about 7 other people, so the crowd was a little less, but more comfortable. Basically i have to know what i'm getting myself into becoming a doctor. Long hours, stressful sitautions, and not much of a social life. Sounds like now to me. So i still want to be a doctor, more than ever, and i was motivated by the whole thing.

Finally the session ended and lunch was being served downstairs. I am pretty picky eater. I mean it's either Italian(including pizza), Sandwiches, or Breakfast food. But the girls kept saying that i had no choice but to eat today, even though i would have rather skipped out on that but Kay gave me the mother of all "just grab a little something to get you through the meeting, and we'll get Wendy's tonight". The menu was not what i would have eaten, i guess pizza is not what doctors eat, it was all this food that i couldn't pronounce and looked like art instead of actual food. I grabbed something, and like 2 brownies and we took our seat for the speaker. She was really funny, and went over how Doctors must communicate with their patients clearly and not use medical mumbo jumbo. Kay kept staring at me, until i put the nasty food in my mouth. You know how they say kids can't hide there dislike for food with their face. Like they gave kids sugarless chocolate and asked them how it tasted, and though the children could lie about everything else, when it came to the food their little face would squinch up and eventually spit it out. Well at 19 i have not grown out of that. And my face was in this weird "this is so nasty face". When i was younger i went to George Washington Elementary school in White Plains, and for some reason they made us eat a portion of the food before we could go out and play, if you didn't you couldn't go outside. I've always been a skinny kid, and hated anything that well wasn't pizza. So i would move the food around on the plate so it looked like i ate more than i did, and i was let outside(more embarassing child hood stories later). Anyway. I didn't notice i was one of those people who try things from other peoples plate until i kept eating off Kays. I was like "what's this, whats that".After the lady spoke we had a choice to go to the Local Hospital for a tour or return back to the hotel. Mandy was tired and wanted to go back, i was actually looking forward to the tour but we agreed to go back to the hotel, grab some Wendy's(because we all agreed the food was nasty), and take a nap.

We were suppose to be at the hotel so the shuttle could take us to the final dinner at 6:30, but once again the slow moving troop got us there at like 7 and we had to wait for the shuttle to come back around. The whole day i had been contemplating whether i should wear jeans or not. After the whole "party" thing i figured that it wold be a repeat of last night, and instead of sticking out, i figured if i was wearing jeans i would blend in more. Ashley, and Mandy also had the same fear of that and opted for jeans to. Of course when we got on the shuttle with some of the other students we noticed that they were all dressed up, while the three of us(kay wore a skirt) looked like we were going to a dance. Luckily the whole night we were sitting down, and from the top up we looked professional.

The place was amazing. They had converted the aquarium to a dining place. The tables were covered with white sheets, and white candles, and flowers aligned most of the place. There were actual waiters, and professional older doctors dressed in the best of the best. Earlier in the day they had asked us our age, and because i am only 19, i got this stupid stamp on my hand, which meant that i was not to be served alcohol, not even wine. DAMN. So we got served food, and everyone was so like classy. I had to watch the other people at my table to see how they were eating, luckily Kay let me watch her eat, before i totally embarassed myself and asked for a bib. We were sitting with a few med students, who we asked questions to, but i was more interested in the band. They were all in their fifties, belting out rock classics which just amused me so much that i was giggling for the rest of the night.

When all the food had been served, we had a speaker. The man was like 60, but he kept repeating the word vagina so many times i thought i might barf. I mean he was an OB/GYN and was talking about the profession and yadda yadda yadda, but if i heard another "old dirty vagina" reference i was taking a swig of someone's wine. He kept talking and talking, and for some reason i kept nodding off, Kay kept pinching me in the side and laughing, so to amuse myself i stared at the huge fishtank in the corner. Has anyone seen the 1st mission impossible. Where Tom was sitting in the restaurant with an agent who had double crossed his team, so under the table he pulled out this blue and red gum, and before folding it completely he was lke

"You've never seen me very upset". And then he throws the gum at the glass aquarium, the thing shatters, and he does a sprint like i have never seen before.

I wanted to repeat that scene so bad, i almost busted out laughing because my imagination is just crazy.

The night ended well, though the two people who orchestrated this whole thing got an award, everyone stood and clapped, while our table didn't and gave dirty looks.We headed back to the hotel, watched some lifetime, had a laugh about the day and yesterdays events and then went to sleep.

I learned alot this whole weekend. That i definately am going to be a doctor, that if i just be myself people will enjoy my company, that drug dealers are hott in night clubs but you must not approach them, that Kay is extremely awesome(we have another conference in April and she said that she justs wants me and her to drive up, that she enjoyed my company, and was extremely proud of my dedication. And she wants to take me to Aspen, but i don't know how my mom will feel about that), and that i don't give myself as much credit as others do.

That was long post. Sorry about that. I had to leave some stuff out, because then you would be reading a novel. I'm going home today for Thanksgiving Break. YEAH!!!! I've been extremely exhausted and need the rest and the Turkey.

Cocktail Party, Booze, Gold Teeth, and the Hilton.

OMG!!!!!

Let me first start off saying that i wanted to write in my journal so much this weekend. I mean there is so much to write and i don't know how i am going to write it in this entry without my computer crashing. So take a seat, grab a cup of coffee, cause it's going to be a long one.

Friday:
was absolutely hectic. I had a Spanish inclass paper to write, a chem test, and a bio lab that i was hoping wouldn't put me in a bad mood. Surprisingly the day went well. I finished my Spanish paper in enough time to get walk to Chem, where i ran into a girl from my lab who i talked with all the way. The test i felt went well, i left the lecture feeling like i had totally kicked it's ass and then talked with some people from bio class(who are also in lab) and from the collective answers we circled i feel confidant that i passed. Even Bio lab wasn't that bad. The TA and the girl weren't all breast to face the whole time, and he let me pull the dividers out the agrose gel for DNA testing, so i was happy.

My mom agreed to come down and bring some "professional clothes" for me to wear to the medical conference. It's a shame that my wardrobe consist of only jeans and a T-shirt. I mean i only have jeans that have seen better days, and shirts that have bands like the Ramones and Jimi Hendrix on them. So when Katherine told me about the conference she knew that i would have to get some clothes for the little trip. My mom brought down every suit possible, I mean she was flinging clothes and i was changing like a model behind the scenes at a runway show. Because of my disgust with wearing skirts i had pants that were so long on me, that she quickly hemmed them up, and as quickly as she came left. I had about 30 minutes after that until Katherine came and then we were to wait for the other to girls to get here. Of course i am naturally disoragnized, and by 4:15 i was running from the bathroom, to the lobby to get money, back upstairs to listen to an album, and by the time she called i was still upstairs wondering what the hell happened to the cookie i was eating.

I only had one bag, a bookbag, and this black shoulder bag my mom begged for me to bring instead of my monkey bag( my monkey bag is this small bag i got from Pacsun thats made of cords and has a monkey face on it, i think it's cute). So stumbling down the stairs with my bag, cookie in mouth, and headed to the loading parking lot where Kay(i'm just going to call her Kay for now on Katherine is too long to type) helped me with my bags. I was wearing a blue sweater with a black blazer and black trousers with these blue flats that made a clapping noise as i walked. She said that i looked nice, and that we would wait in her truck until the other two girls got there. She has like a 2005 SUV, it was really hott. So anyway as i get into the car, i notice that there is a dude sitting at the drivers seat, and even though i knew she was married, i don't know i expected him to look like a doofus. The way she talks about him, it's like he is just one of those men you kind of have to tell to do everything. Well that was not the case...

he was so HOTT. I mean i know... Kay did him no justice by talking badbly about him. I was thinking at first that it was her brother but then she was like

"this is my husband Noel"

I almost choked on my spit, he was so hott and i was so surprised. He was like a surfer dude. He was real California and talked like "yeah that's cool" but his face was amazing, he had long hair that was tied back and was kind of unshaven but that even made him hott, and he was wearing like earth tone clothes that made him more hott. So you get the picture. I notice that when i get nervous or uncomfortable my kind of dry humor comes out. Which is more like sarcasm with a bunch of curse words. Apparently people think it is funny to see this pleasant girl, curse and tell embarassing stories(more embarassing tales from my youth later), because that is exactly what i did. And apparently it amused him enough that later on that weekend, while kay was on the phone with him, they must have got on the topic of me and she said

"Noel hates all my friends, but he thinks you are hilarious and you may be the only friend of mine that he likes".

Which totally sucks because i can't have a crush on my new med friend's ex/separated/married husband(more on that later),that's just gross, so now i have to think he is some illiterate heathen that i would never find attractive, because i value Kay so much for taking me under her wing(more on that later). So we were in the car for about 15 minutes and i was rambling about my inabilty to pass the driving test, when Kay got a call from the girls that they were around the corner at the burrito shop. I was nervous at that point because though i can win boys over, girls not so much, espically girls who want to be doctor.

The two girls going with us were, Amanda or Mandy who was the driver. She is 25 and has also returned to school from a long time away, she was dressed in a college t-shirt jeans looked very friendly. She has a husband and 1 son. Then there was Ashley who was in her early 20's has a husband and a 2 year old daughter, she was very prim and preppy, i swear her hair was brushed perfectly on her head. Of course i felt a little out of place seeing that also Kay has a ex/separated/married husband and three kids. I introduce myself and then we were off. 4 girls, a rented jeep, and a whole lot of bags for 2 days.

THE DRIVE

Something about being in a car with four other people seems to either create a bond or break them. Ashely and Amanda sat in the front, while Kay and i had sitauted ourselves in the back with books in hand and heading off onto the highway. The whole way there i felt like "this is what college kids do", technically this post should be called "A NIGHT OF FIRSTS", because this was my first weekend away with people who actually go to my school(even if i was the youngest).

We did the typical listen and sing(well i wasn't singing) to radio music, talked about movies that made/make us cry, discussed Oprah and Brad Pitt,about what celeb we would hook up with (GAVIN is all i have to say) talked about school and medicine, and had a good time. Somehow dispite the age difference Kay and are complement each other. Of course she is older than i am, is a total mom( she pulled the collar out of my jacket, asked if i folded my clothes, and made sure that i got something at the gas station to drink before we headed off), though she only looks 20( i think she is in her late 20's or early 30's), and is good with talking to people. I am shy, dreamy, have bad communication skills, and a tad bit naive. But somewhere in the middle we manage to meet, i make her laugh, and she makes me feel like i can do anything. She's like the mentor i've always wanted,or dare i say it...the older sister i have never had.

We talked pretty much all the way to the hotel. She read a book, and i listened to music. We talked about Rufus Wainwright, and Coldplay, and interesting books that we both were reading. We arrived two hours later to the Hilton. Now i'm use to staying in the cheap hotels, i'm glad if they even offer to free breakfast, yet alone bring the bags in. But Ashley is spoiled, so spoiled you want to throw her away like rotten milk so the stench stops bothering your nose. We just have different personalities, like when i say "balls" after stubbing my toe, she would say "shoot". I take 5 minutes to get ready, while she has to take like a million showers, coordinate the outfit so that it matches her shoes, get the right bag and hat. So needless to say, when we got to the Hilton and there was no valet she started the first of her complaining fits. I've never been to the Hilton but it looked like any hotel to me. I mean the room was okay, there was two beds(we had an on going joke that we were staying in the Paris Hilton, we couldn't even get to stay in the nicer Nikki Hilton), i offered to sleep on this huge chair in the room, since i am small and can sleep anywhere. We had about 2 hours before we had to be at the opening party for the organization.

Of course...we were late. WE were suppose to sign in at like 7pm. From the Embassy Suites next door. But Ashley and Mandy took forever to get ready. I was already dressed, i figured casual is the best way to go. Kay wore a skirt and blouse, Ashley looked like a french painter with a weird sequin hat on her head, and Mandy dressed pretty casual as well. They wanted to stay at the Embassy Suites. Apparently it's like top notch in hotel service, but because they just found out about the conference they hotel was already booked and The Hilton was right next to it, so they got that one. We drove 2 minutes across the street to the empty lobby. There was a big sign that said Medical conference, along with some other event because there was all these pictures of dolled up women on a poster. We saw some lingering people who were dressed up and asked them where was the conference at. Because of our lateness we had missed the opening remarks and had to wait till tomorrow to register.

It was freezing outside. The four of us dressed in a casual attire standing outside wondering what to do now. Since i was the only single person i kind of forgot that they all hadn't been out in a long time, and i soon figured out, going back to the hotel was not an option. They were away from their husbands, and kids, and was not looking forward to the only night in a long time that they were free spending it watching an episode of 20/20. So we could either wait for the shuttle arranged by the convention to take us down to where the med party was going to be held or drive downtown because Kay and i were familar with it, and check out the thing ourself. We were all kind of wondering why a party for students in or persuing med school was not held in the hotel. Mandy had been to about 3 of these functions and said they were usually in hotels. But we put caution to wind and decided(well Kay didn't feel like driving anymore and because it was a rental she was the only who could drive the car) though Kay and i saw it would be safer if we drove. So if the party didn't look okay we could leave, instead of waiting til the shuttle picked us up at 2am. ) to take the shuttle, because well me and Kay compromised by just going along with them, but later when things got bad, reminded them of our idea of driving downtown.

The lady who coordinated the whole weekend thing which was hosted by the local med school, rode with us on the shuttle downtown. She reassured us that we would have fun. She is a med student and her and her friend were excited about organizing the thing. She also mentioned that Med students party hard, and that it would be alot of fun. I've never been to a club(my 2nd first of the weekend), and was a little nervous, because i'm claustrophobic, but Kay was there and i knew she wouldn't leave me . When the shuttle dropped us off, we kind of knew it was going to be a rough night. Walking up to this whole in the wall club, we were called out by some 16 year old boys for looking like we were headed...well to a conference. One boy mentioned that i looked to young to be going into a club like this. We shuffled into the club where the horror began.

Now i'm not saying that because a person studies medicine they have to be all "i am medicine and only medicine" but we were under the assumption that this was a formal gathering. So as we step down into this grundy, almost cave like thing, we know that this is not going to be great. Apparently not only will the students from the conference be there, but any other person who pays 10 dollars to get in. At first it was just us 4 huddled near the bar that was situated in the the middle of the dingy place. Then you step down a few steps to the dance floor and this huge stage in front of it. Some dance music was playing, there was like us and then at least 10 other random, already drunk people. We were all pretty much like "what the fuck is this?". The lady who organized this thing(who is also a Med student in like her fourth year as resident) was slinging back the alcohol and talking to her friends. So Kay was bold enough to go talk to her about why we were here. She kind of shrugged and said to just have a good time and that we could leave at 2.

By 11 more people starting coming in. And by more people i mean...i saw more spikes, gold teeth, breast, and smelt excessive amount of perfume and alcohol than i think i ever have to in my life. Girls were barely wearing clothes, the men stared at us like we were the specialites in the produce aisle. Mandy started drinking a beer or two, and so did Ashley. Kay doesn't drink so she got a known alcohol beer, i didn't get anything so my mouth was dry for the rest of the night. We tried staying just against the bar, but with the excessive flow of people, we were getting elbowed and squezzed that we had to move in front of it, standing in the middle. I have never been gawked at so much in my whole entire life. I mean one man kept staring at me, as if i had an invitation on my forehead. I got uncomfortable and moved against the four of them even more, by the end of the night, i swear we were all hugging each other. Somehow i kept drifting from them, but before i could get to far, i was tugged back.

By this time Mandy was a little drunk and talking extremely loud. Which wouldn't have been so bad, if it wasn't about random people in the club.

Mandy: "i know she did not come outside like that" "when did dressing like an easter basket become cool" "he touches me and i will pull the gold tooth from his mouth" "did you see him with that 1985 cell phone...oh my god he has a battery pack with it" "Girls don't look now, but your mothers worst nightmare is coming by" "Beckett, don't head to the bathroom, there is nails on the door, grafitti on the walls, and i think a crack whore or two waiting to take orders"

I could not stop laughing. It was the most hilarious thing i have ever seen. I mean there were extremely young girls with men in their late 20's and it was just wrong. Wrong wrong. I don't think they checked ID's when handing out the drinks and there was a lot of grinding on the dance floor. I was kind of appalled by the grinding. Like sex with clothes on. I felt like i should avert my eyes but it was so vulgar i couldn't. i seemed to just be shocked by it. The girls breast were basically hanging out of their type small shirts, and their skirts were also very short. The men smelled weird. Like scent is a big deal, and to cover yourself in smelly cologne is gross. So The music was getting extremely loud. The Dj was so hyped up, that he kept cursing and telling the men to grab the girl next to them and start dancing. The four of us linked arms. The music was cool though, and i wanted to dance. But by the look of the crowd, i knew i would probably get groped and decided to just stand with the rest of the girls.

Sidenote: I've never been to a club, but it was kind of exciting. The dancing, the music, maybe it was just the music again, and how completely freeing dancing is. Like you can close your eyes, and completely go with the beat of it all. It was...i don't know how to explain. Like something you wanted to just release, you just wanted to be apart of the music that moved your body. That seemed to command you to move. It was amazing. Well i mean dancing...not gold medallion dudes, and girls with no clothes on.

Back to Story.

Ashley, who though pretending to be all prudish made her way to the dance floor. We thought she was fed up and decided to leave so we started following her! We quickly turned back when she led us to the floor. By 12 o'clock we were ready to go. There were no seats, the bar was getting hectic, the music was vibrating so that we felt it in our chest, and the place reeked of beer. Now more Med people came, we notice them by the "i'm scared shitless" face. Some of them didn't mind the atmosphere, and were having fun like no one elses business. But the 3 1/2 of us (counted Ashley as a half because she had that I'm ready to go face right before she headed back to the dancefloor). Kay again went to the tell the Jamie girl that we wanted to leave. She took this as a big insult and just told us to wait outside until the shuttle came at 1. Kay came back and was like "we can either wait outside or stay in here"

Our options weren't really good. 4 women on a corner at 1 in the morning. Or completely go deaf in a club. We choose to go deaf for another hour or two. My 3rd first of the evening, and probably my last first until Saturday, was my bar room lust with another patron. Okay so i am the queen of admiring from a distance. Other than us sticking out like extremely sour thumbs this man in a leather jacket, cap, and amazing face stood out as well. I kept trying to get a glance at him, without staring to hard and giving him an misread signs to come over. I thought it was weird that he was there though, because he seemed to be looking for someone. Like he was checking out the place or something. I'm slow at putting two and two together, but by the end of the night, i kind of got the impression that the only hot dude in the whole place was probably a drug dealer. And i don't dig drug dealers, though totally lusting after them is okay. Like consciously you know that the peope you meet in Bars/nightclubs aren't the type of guys i am going to be bringing to meet my mom, but once in a while i feel it is completely okay to lust for someone who is totally not what you want, just what you WANT =). Bye Cute drug dealer. I'm sorry you couldn't choose another profession, i would have said hi, if i wasn't afraid you would get me hooked on crack and sell my virginity to the highest bidder. SORRY.

40 minutes later, we just couldn't take anymore. The only pretty thing was that the ceiling was painting like the nights sky. And as i was gazing at it, i was pulled away and we headed for the door. It was freezing outside, we were cold, some of us a little buzzed, Mandy had to pee, my feet hurt cause i was wearing heels, and the shuttle was not there. There were two others girls sitting on the bench waiting for the shuttle to pick us up, but we were standing on the other side of the street in what looked like a greenhouse, but was some outside concert hall or something. Amanda had to pee really bad, i mean she was threatening to find a bush if she had too. My hurt and i was extremely cold, we were out there for like 30minutes. Mandy went back to the dungy club to pee. We watched the two girls leave from the bench and also head back to the club. As soon as the rounded the corner the shuttle came. I yelled out, cause i was so happy, Ashley started running towards the bus, Mandy was just returning, and Kay ran back to get the other two girls. We waited like 5 minutes before they came on the bus, informing us that the Club was surrounded by the police because someone got into a fight. And then we were off.

The two girls on the bus were Med Students, and also complained about the club we were at. They were nice, answered all our questions and even had a laugh or two. We got back to Embassy at 2, and our hotel at like 2:15. We smelt of beer, smoke, and every other nasty smell that attached itself to us. I think we were all so tired we just hit the bed, or in my case the big chair. I may have even slept with heels.

It was funny night though, and only the beginning of the weekend.

More tomorrow. Part 2. Expect Mission Impossible, Pageant girls, cocktails and the aquarium, and a lounge band that played Eric Clapton like no tomorrow, and an old man who said vagina like 20 times during a speech.

Other Side Of The World
by Kt Tunstall

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water
All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

The fire fades away
Most of every day
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the otherside of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away
Most of every day
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the otherside of the world

Can you help me?
Can you let me go?
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore?

The fire fades away
Most of every day
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the otherside of the world
The otherside of the world
You're the otherside of the world to me...

Sorry i can't write more, i havea post all saved up, but i'm pressed for time to finish and post it. Test, mom, and then to the conference i go. Have a good weekend. Oh..and that's Kt Tunstall, i think the song is amazing.

Beckett

"I'm gonna make it after all!!!"

Something about that Mary Tyle Moore theme song always makes me laugh. Like i want to be the girl walking down the street, with that all to cheerful grin, seeing that all is possible. Oh...and i want to throw my hat in the air, with a freeze shot of my grinning face. We can all dream can't we.

Sorry about my "i'm frustrated"post yesterday(i am feeling way better today). But damn sometimes the bastards, though you don't want them to get you down, do. Like people's whole purpose is to make you feel like crap so they can feel better about themselves. Marie called Tuesday night. Now after the whole "slapping the guy in the woods" incident and her calling me because she was feeling bad, i thought the rest of her calls would be to just talk. I mean that's what friends do. They talk about problems, or school, or work, their lives. yadda yadda. And to be a "good" friend i figured i would pick up the phone and talk to her since i hadn't in a while.

As i stated before Marie...is not the nicest girl in the world. People just dislike. I dislike her. She's loud, she is hardheaded, she is stubborn and everything. But then there are times when she is completely loyal and real that i almost feel indebted to her. Because out of everyone she's like my only "friend". Though she is all those negative things, she talks to everyone, and whether or not they realize it, they sort of become her friend. As with the whole bowling situation, and me being dragged to some bolwing thing with her three main amigos, and me an outsider, she kind of has a tendency now to only talk about her new friends. Like our converastions can be about dogs, and all of a sudden she will be like "yeah so i hang out every weekend....you don't hang out do you?"

Now i know that Marie isn't use to friends, to hanging out, and doing things on the weekend. I have no problem that she's excited about it. But i do have a problem when you throw it in my face. By repeating over and over again that i don't have friends. That i don't have a social life, and that she is doing all these things that apparently i'm suppose to want to do. Like she mentioned that she and her new friends are going to a Ben Folds concert on 11/29. Knowing that i like Ben folds

Marie: So do you know who Ben Folds is?
Me: Of course i do, i talk about him all the time.
Marie: Yeah well me and Friends are going to his concert soon, but i don't really know who he is
Me: okay?

Now we were talking about registering for classes when she came in with the Ben folds thing. Of course then we got to the whole "this weekend i am..." thing and she went on and on about how she has so much to do on the weekend and her and her friends sleep over on a couch in someone's house and have fun times.

Once again this was a tidbit she talked about while i was talking about the Conference i am going to.

So when i heard about the incident in the woods, and heard how upset she sounded on the phone i sent her an e-card that was just you know wishing her week was better. So i recieved one back a few days later and it was some card with a hot dude on it ,wishing me well to. So on the phone she asked if i had recieved it and i was like "yeah i got it thanks". So i'm thinking she sent the thing cause i sent her one....NO.

Marie: yeah well i was sending an E-card to Dani because she wasn't feeling good this week, so i just sent you one too because i had nothing better to do.

Who says that. what "friend" calls you to just talk about how much better her other friends are. After a while i just stopped talking on the phone. Everytime i got a word in about something she would turn it to a conversation about her new friends, adding in from time to time that i don't have anyfriends. She then tells me that they are going skiing this winter, and that i could tag along with them. At first i was like "Thats cool", but once i hung up the phone i realized how stupid it would be to go on a trip with 6 people who know each other while i'm in the corner sulking. I imagine it's just some ploy to make me feel bad. Like she wants me to be the outsider, so she can show me how much fun she is having with her new friends. So whenever i talk to her again, i am taking a stand and telling her that i'm not going, because i think i will be the 3rd wheel, and i'm not into feeling like that anymore.

She makes me mad, because she does it on purpose. Call me to talk about whats going on in your life, call me to talk about school, even your friends if you want, but don't call me to tell me that i don't have any friends. If they are so great, why don't you tell them, instead of telling me. So for the whole next day, i was in a sour mood. Not because i don't have any friends, just because i meet crappy crappy people, who seem destined to bring a person down, just when they are feeling okay with there direction in life.

So i'm not answering any phone calls from her anymore, and i have been ignoring her on IM. Yes she is 100 miles away, but still that's what she gets for being a horrible frined.

Today was better. The end of the semester is almost to a close, and the wrap up crap is here. Basically the professors overwhelm you with a crap load of material that is due, or stress the importance of doing well on the last test before final exams approach. Like patients in the pysch ward you can see stressed out college students scramble to study all onc can possibly cram in without totally going insane. I am one of those students. I am just so ready to go home, i can't look at another chemisty problem without calling it stupid and hoping that it burns in chemistry hell along with math as well. I've meet with almost all my teachers to either get feedback on how i can do better, or simply to just get pointers for future use in classes. I had a talk with my English teacher about 2 weeks ago. She says that i have an old soul and my writing is "poetic", and that i think beyond my years and have not learned the structural way to put it down on paper gramatically right yet. Makes sense i guess.

Would write more but there is test i need to be studying for.

I was recently reminded that i have not talked about something very personal on this blog yet. I may have lied when i said i wasn't in a relationship...because i kind of am. We have been dating for a while, though we haven't seen each other much of late due to my frustration with him and my ability to draw any inspiration from him....

Okay so it's my Violin, but damn i hope i had you fooled there for a second.

So for all those who are interested. I have played the violin since the 4th/3rd grade. I wanted to play the saxophone because well...everyone wanted to play the saxophone, it was like the hot shot instrument, plus the boy i was crushing on at the time played the trumpet, and i wanted to be in the band with him. They were all full up though, and they only other instrumental thing still offering classes was the orchestra. I wasn't to happy joining, but from the time i picked it up, my long love affair with it began. More on that later, i don't play in an orchestra anymore(due to crazy teachers who throw chalk and chairs at students), though i still pick up the bow from time to time and play.

Back to Chemistry.

Ouch...i have lost myself again

it's been a bad day.

just a really crappy day.

it's those bad days, that make you want to curl up in your bed, throw the covers over your head, and remain there until the bad aura seems to have left you, and moved on to the next person it wants to torment.

Waking up i knew it was going to be a bad day. I had a nightmare last night, which meant that i woke up at 3 in the morning, my hair matted to my face, and knew that today would utterly suck.

Mentally it went from blah to blah to more blah, to me just being completely out of it. I can't even write i'm just so frustrated.

It's one of these days when i just don't understand the world. And i want to return to the safe place i came from. Problem is i don't feel safe anywhere anymore, so i'm just lost.

When i get down i think about my dad. I think the sun and laying out in the field without a care in the world. I think about the ocean, and hearing the crashing of the waves. Mainly i think about happiness and hoping it is more attainable than what it seems like right now.

The Nerves may be getting the Best of me.

I suddenly realized that i am driven by my nerves. Or rather lack of them.

As when i didn't tell Nicholas i was madly deeply in love with him(yes the "N" i have referred to in some entries has finally got a name instead of the coveted "N"). Or not audictioning for that play in highschool. Not going to Art boys club, and other small things i notice that i don't accomplish because of fear. Or Nerves.

I don't know what it is. This calm exterior to the world, who presents herself as being fearless still has butterflies in her stomach when attempting to exert herself in a crowd. I manage to slink away from the situation, avoiding it with some excuse at all cost to get me out of it. My "love" for Nicholas was repressed and coverted to becoming his best friend, until that became horrible once we both started expressing our like for each other, but didn't know what to do with that. I stopped acting in school plays, because of the nervousness of audtioning. Faced with kids who were so 'in" to drama, and me who flirted around with it from time to time. And needless to say me not going to Art Boys club, for fear of my horrible social skills in big crowds, which lead to the disintergration of my crush on him(even though he is still extremely cute).

Katherine and i have been bumping into each other a lot. Talking about our aspirations of becoming a doctor, Philadelphia, and writing. I don't know if we are in that stage where i can call her a friend yet, even though i assume that we are. I always thought that was a weird thing about friendship. Like when is it the right time to be like "Does this mean we are friends yet or are we still on the "associate" level". Anyway. So she writes me an email telling me about this Pre-med group that she is apart of and that she wants me to join. Naturally i am interested in it. I mean i do want to pursue a career in medicine. But most of the pre-med students are those overachievers, who have the answers to everything, get to know their professors ,and seem to walk around with an air that they are more important than most of the other majors. Once again i don't fit that mold. I don't think i'm an overachiever, i would rather not answer the questions in lecture class, and i'm just happy if i get a "hi" from my professors yet along a conversation that last longer than 5minutes.

There is a conference this week thats about 2 hours away, and her and some of the other people from the group are going. I have been invited to attend though i'm technically not a member. While i was walking back from English(we just finished Romeo and Juliet) and i was kind of in a daze because of how sad the whole movie was, she calls my name scaring me and asks me if i am going. I tell her that i can meet her at 1:30 because i have to go to class(my dorm) and then study(watch tv) and that after Bio(where i will be yawning and dying for it to be over) and History(where i will be doing the same) i can meet her.

So the club sounds really good. Pre-med students helping other Pre-med students out. Most of the students in this club have a high record of getting accepted into med school. Looks good on Transcipts, could help my GPA out. What could be wrong?

My nerves that's what wrong. I pretty much have an avoidant personality. Avoid it until it smacks you in the face. Not to go back to the roommate sitaution, but after she was mad about my comments on IM, i went home for that weekend, thinking i was calming the fire. Well that only fueled it, and coming back was like stepping into a war path. So though i want to go, when she asked me i said "well, i'll call you tomorrow, and if my plans for the weekend look okay than i'll go" What plans for the weekend?! My plans are to get a burrito, hope that there is an SVU marathon coming on USA, and pack for Thanksgiving Break(i go home next Tuesday.) But i just noticed how nervous the sitaution makes me. I mean you think being away from my mom i would be "wild and crazy", more like "tame".

At some point though i have to remove myself from my comfort level, and embrace what is before me. Because i don't want to get to a point where my nerves become regrets. And all i have left are regrets of what i should have done in retrospect to what i didn't. I mean i imagine all the things i could accomplish just if i let myself accept the things before me. I know that things would have been better if i hadn't let nerves play apart all the time.

So i'm going. I'm stepping out the comfort zone, even if it is for 1 day(it's an overnight trip, but the conference is that one day), i can't let the nerves control me forever.

Katherine told me to invite Mike to the group. Yeah right. Does she not know Mike, i have the displeasure of knowing this kid and now you want me to bring him to a club. I think not.

Today was the end of Romeo and Juliet(i guess a literal end as well). I wish i could say "thank god" but it was a bittersweet ending to my love hate affair with the movie/play. In what?... five days they "fell in love, got married, killed a few people, chaos erupted, and death." Was not fun watching. Even weirder was seeing the "sex " scene during the thing. I must say the director did a good job of not having a full on porn shot for the "love" scene. Just sweet kisses and leading us to the assumption(she took of her shirt for goodness sake) that they were going to seal their relationship. But watching it with about 20 students in a dead silent room, with the kid kicking my chair behind me, was still AWKWARD. Especially cause we have the older classmate(who retired from the police force and is now returning for a degree) sitting in the corner. It was like watching an inappropiate scene with your grandfather. I was just waiting for him to tell us to cover our eyes at any minute. But instead i just sat uncomfortably wondering if i should avert my eyes or not. Luckily he spared us even more AWKWARDNESS by not lingering to long on that part of their romance.

Of course after leaving, and recieving our English papers back(i made a B, Mike wouldn't tell me what he made, but i'm assuming it was an F) we got into a discussion once more about Romeo and Juliet....I'm sorry to say there was no drag out, screaming match(the week hasn't ended yet though so i'm sure there will be one). I think he was even a little surprised when all i said was that

"it was sad, they were so young".

I mean i still think they were stupid. And i still have my doubts about the lasting effects of their love. But in the end what i have learned is just that they did love each other, and isn't that what it's all about. About that love that grabs you and seems never to let you go. And even if it wouldn't have worked out between them if they had lived, it's that for those few days they experienced a love like no other. They experience happiness that few only recieve. Still pretty sad though.

I think with the falling of the leaves it is like the world is screaming at us to "fall in love". Something about this time of the year, maybe the holiday aspect of it all, makes you want to be consumed in that all emcompassing feeling. I roll my eyes at couples walking down the street holing hands 1) because they are really an inconvience when trying to run to class 2) because they remind the rest of us that we don't have boyfriends. But today as i rolled my eyes and then crossed the street ,my hand felt lonely as if it was missing it's pair.

Damn you fall.

Especially with all the cute boys walking around, you just have to curse it all. There is a boy in my History Discussion class( we have a a lecture class Tuesday and Thursday for 50 minutes, and then a 50 minute discussion class on certain days and times with the Ta), who talks just like Jeremy Sisto. To spare another picture blog, he's in a lot of Indie movies,but recently in Wrong Turn(horrible movie) and in the series Six Feet Under. He has like this raspy voice that for some reason is attractive. Well this kid in my class talks just like him, and even looks like him a little. And because everyone sits in the same seats we usually are in the same group together. Yesterday he was the presenter and he had to introduce us to the class. I mean i've never heard anyone say my name as sexy as he did, and i almost fainted. Okay so fainted is pushing it, but his hotness factor went up a few notches.

Apparently it is "study abroad" week here. And in almost every class we have some student from Australia come for like 5 minutes and ramble on about why we should study abroad. Though i am going to study abroad sometime in the future, i have no interest to do what they are suggesting. OF course they pick the hottest spokesperson to talk to a class of 100 students, With forced enthusiam, and rehearsed lines. In Chem this extremely attractive Australian guy with his "hello mates" began going on about this "Extreme" opprotunity. I guess repeating extreme over and over again drove home the fact that we can go "to different parts of the country and help the needy or something. I love how he emphazied certain words.

"FREE admission into this organization and a TRIP to countries where you will help build things and other stuff. you will get six CREDIT HOURS for a month in you host country, where at the end you can WHITEWATER RAFT or RIDE ELEPHANTS or SCUBADIVE with the completion of the FOUR WEEKS program." I mean he was so excited about it, the rest of us were pumped up.

Pumped up student in back: "how much does it cost?"

Australian Guy: WHITE WATER RAFTING!!!!!!

What cute Australian boy forgot to tell the class was that it's 2000 for the program, plus the cost for the credit hours we will be enrolled in, and travel expense,food expense, and lodging. Guess he forgot that part.

Today he came in my History class, and like a machine repeated the same thing, with the same fake enthusiasm. I also notice that he was wearing the same clothes, which makes me think now that he is just some hot programed machine trying to get us to go to another country. I will not be fooled by his hottness.

Back to studying. My chem test is on Friday.

Beyond this Moment

So today is my 100th post. It's sort of a landmark. I mean i written in a jounral since i was in the third grade. Of course my first journal entries describe my steamy crush on a gym teacher, liking Joan Osbourne, how our class lost Field day, my trip to the Bronx Zoo, my best friends, contained 20 pictures of the spice girls, and my aspirations to dye my hair red. It's seems like such a long time since those first entries. I am such a different person since then.

This is my 2nd online journal, the first one i hardly wrote in, deleting it after the whole roommate drama, because of the 1 out of like 15 entries that contained her name she flipped her lid. And now i am here, writing extremely personal things, making a lot of spelling and gramatical errors and bearing my soul.

I had apprehension with starting this blog. And a few entries into it(early July) i was even going to stop writing. But i remember when i was younger my mom made me write my feelings down, to get it all out, so it didn't consume me. So part of what i know is that writing is a tool, a theraputic tool for me that has continued all these years.

Last year i had to keep a journal for English and freewrite in it everyday. At the end of the semester we turned it in, and he nearly had to tear the thing out of my hand, because it was like seeing my baby being taken right before my eyes. My soul and aspirations and fears, and embarassing details about my life and myself were in a book. A book that was me.

I now notice that this journal has become my book. My soul is in everyword that i write. Sometimes i am embarassed by my frankness, because i notice how extremely vulnerable i have become. And the vulnerability is a little scary...because it is absolutely beautiful.

So i dedicate this 100th entry to all of you who read this thing.

I know sometimes i complain, and can be extremely self loathing. That my grammar is horrible(my english teacher would kill me), and that i have a tendency for rambling.

But just as i notice those things in this journal, i notice them about my life. That sometimes i'm just plain awkward,

that i don't always have the right words,

that i'm clumsy,

and curse like no one else's business,

that i'm shy,

and excited easily by the small things,

that i eat french toast and drink cocoa for dinner.

That i'm a loner yet sometimes lost in the crowd,

that I crush on extremely too many boys,

and still play Oregon trail.

Somehow these things are becoming more beautiful to me, because they are me. And i want to thank you all for contributing to the continual journey i am on to finally accepting all of me.

I want to just write down all the names of the people on this thing who has just been there through the rough times. But i figure you already know that i appreciate you all so much. and I mean all of you. Those who comment and those you don't. Those who read on the down time or those who are just glancing at the writings of some crazy girl. There's no amount of thanks that i can say that will ever convey how much the support has meant to me.

So what does this mean?

That you are totally stuck with me. Rantings and all. This is only the prologue to my unfinished story.

-Beckett A. Hughes-

P.S if anyone saw the episode of Grey's Anatomy last night it was eerily freaky because it related so much to my entry about Romeo and Juliet. They need to offfer me a job on the writing staff, i mean the guys in Hollywood and little ol' me, apparently have the same concepts. =)

Grand Escape

I remember the episode when Buffy left Sunnydale after having to send Angel to Hell. I must admit i was that kid watching Buffy on a Tuesday(?), even following it to when it left the WB. The following season in it's premier episode Buffy was living in Los Angeles, working at some diner, trying to start anew, somehow thinking she could run away from the past and her destiny. Of course that didn't work out, and she returned to Sunnydale later on in the episode, kicking vampire ass for the next couple(and amazing )seasons...well except for the last episode, sort of a bummer if you ask me. Like they just ran out of ideas and destroyed the whole town just because they had no idea what else to do. But i'm rambling.

My mom has always credited me for my vivid imagination. So naturally anytime a new show came out, i figured that i was so this new character. I thought i was the pink power ranger in the 1st grade, wearing my pink power ranger converse until they basically had to be thrown away and i also developed a crush on a boy just because his name was Jason(the name of the red one i think). In the 4th grade i was convinced that i was going to be a teenage witch just like Sabrina the Teen Age Witch was, in the 7th grade i thought the quiet boy in my science class was an alien and was determined to be his Liz(Rosewell). And of course now i want to be George from Dead like me(what can i say, my imagination is all over the place even at 19). But Buffy the Vampire Slayer was always my crazy little phase in between, but the only episode that i can relate to is the one in which she runs away from her life, hoping that somehow avoiding it will make it a lot easier on her.

My "dark patch" sprung from the whole college thing from what was suppose to be my first "Freshman" entry into college. The whole sitaution and reasons for me starting in the spring are too long to write about in just one entry. So to sum it up briefly.

Mom + bad credit + Beckett + Out of state tuition = No school for me

Of course i didn't find out that financial aid did not cover all my cost until i was in my new dorm, meeting a few people, and coping with this new found freedom, and then recieving an email that was sent to me from the school saying that i had to fork up a whopping 10,000 in three days. Naturally I was devasted. At the time i was going to Philadelphia University. It's a small private college in like the quietest area of Philly known to man. If you haven't heard of it, don't worry about because most people haven't(if you ask people they just keep repeating "you mean UPenn", it's kind of funny). I applied because i really want to live in Philly, and it seemed like a good school. I was also accepted to Pittsburgh University and some other schools also but in weighng my options Philly offered more money and i was excited. After that fiasco and returning home pretty much devasted, i reapplied to Pitt where they accepted me for a 2nd time.

But then came to crusher. My mom, who i think wanted me to just be near her and has this idea that i want to stay in this hell hole, said that if i chose to go to Pitt she would not help me pay for school. I know it makes my mom sound cruel and stuff, but i just think she was worried about the same money problem arising there and couldn't face me returning back again. Faced with the prospects of not going to school at all, i pushed aside Pitt(so when i apply for Grad/Med school i hope they accept me for a 3rd time) and choose my current place for my undergraduate education. The months presiding my enrollment here, i was a shell inside the house. I don't think i stepped outside that whole four months. I was the girl in high school who people thought was "going" somewhere, i mean i was shy and i didn't talk to many people but i made good grades, talked with my teachers, and was kind. So to all of sudden by in a place where you see everyone progress before you and you are just stuck, i must say i was pretty depressed.

And that is where the plan arose. My plan to run away.

I don't know why it seems easier to run away from your problems then to face them head on. Maybe it's the cowards why out, but at 18 when i was suppose to be experiencing this new chapter in my life, and instead i was literally doing nothing. I wanted to take the Cowards way out like never before.

I mean i imagine what we would all do, if we could just pick up and start anew somewhere else. I mean leave that person we were and just be this new persona. No one would ever now about all the mistakes we made.All the aspects of me would be known to no one but me, and maybe i could do it right. As if this time around we will have all the answers to make the transition easier. This time all will go right, because we have the blueprints now.

I had it all figured out, I would pack a little clothes, get money, head out west on a bus. I had a fake name and everything. A fake background, a fake life, but anything seemed better than what it was then. Trapped in the house looking at my mom who at the time i couldn't stand because i blamed her for why i was home, Morgan was no help because he only cares about himself, so sitting outside one night staring at the stars i guess in a way asking them just as romeo did

"DID I DEFY YOU STARS!!!!"

I saw it as my only option. I mean all i have known is running away from my problems. My mom left my dad in the middle of the night. I mean i can still feel how cold that night was on my skin when i think of it. I see the cab, i'm in my moms arms, she is holding Morgs hand, and like thefts we snuck out. My last image is of not looking back. I guess that has always stuck with me. Cause when things look bad, my first thought is to run away from it. Of course when it was younger it was a literal running. dropped something, run upstairs and pretend like i didn't do it. Broke someones toy, run before they can catch you. I guess now it's more of an emotional run. Because disappointment hurts, though running from ourselves is more damaging.

Of course i didn't do it(sorry i have no salacious tales of my cross country trip).

Not because i was scared...just that...i didn't have the money. Somewhere in my room those bags are still packed, not because i feel like running, just because i guess they are a reminder that i can't run from everything. But if i would have had the money, i would have left in a New York minute, where too...i don't know, as long as it wasn't there.

Why this long story. Well...i haven't been sleeping well lately(as in this early morning post of Oregon Trail, sorry about that. But the game is frustrating. When i should have been studying yesterday at like 2pm, i got this strong urge to play Oregon Trail. Someone mentioned it early this week, and i was compelled to play it. So with the good old internet and about a 2 hour downloading time, i got a free trial of the game. It's a little updated from my days of playing, but i soon figured out a) why i hate it so much because everyone dies b) i like hunting and fishing and buying things in the game. So late night studying went to "dammit if someone else dies from a Cholera i am quitting").

I love sleep more than anything, mainly cause i like dreaming. I mean something about a bed, punch of pillows and fading into a la la land of my own dreams is what i like. But lately i've spent most of the night staring at the ceiling. Insomnia. I get it only when i'm stressed. My thoughts are cluttered with the anxiety resulting from the end of this semester and bio and chem still kicking my ass. Add in Thanksgiving, a pinch of History, a Tablespoon of English, and a teaspoon of Spanish, and you have the ingredients to "Beckett Stress Stew" serve it with social inabilities, gettig sick during crunch time, and a nagging migrane and you have a full course meal to serve 8.

This is the time when i wish i could run from it all. Pack my bags, head to Seattle or something and start fresh and new. Remove all this clutter that seems to surround me. Of course life isn't that easy, unfortunately the blueprints aren't handed to me, i have to construct them myself or my house will crumble.

So what was my alias name?

Name: Cadence Elizabeth Baye
and i bet she would have been awesome.

Back to studying. No more Oregon Trail for me. I have cursed more in one night than i need to.