"Beckett.Bringing Couples together since 1986"

When i was home over the holidays, my mom joked that she had given birth to a modern day cupid.

So where does this stem from...

All my life i have been told that my greatest character trait is that i have a huge heart. I usually am told this in my sulking days, when i feel that no one likes me, and i meant to just be friend/boy/love less. As a child i grew up believing i had no talents. I mean i played the violin and acted in more school plays than anyone, but i felt i didn't have any of the cool talents like the people around me. My brother was an amazing drawer, my mom was a painter, my dad is a writer and has an amazingly high IQ, even my friends seemed more talented than me. I mean Ben was a model in middle school, matthew was a math genuis, even Nicholas played in the band, and heather was a gymnast. While everyone had these cool talents, i had a violin i carried around all day and a pension for doing school plays. But time and time again the one thing i would hear is that i had an amazingly huge heart, and that is made me special.

I got out of that "i suck" phase for a while, trying everything from soccer,track, gymnast(which i liked), and i would have been a ballerina but i think by then my mom was tired of spending all this money for me to quit later on. I mean some days i can be charming, witty, totally approachable and likeable surprising myself sometimes. Surprising others too. But most of the time i just feel awkward, like i'm once again walking around with a new sign that says "beware...doesn't communicate well, and makes poor eye contact". Apparently people don't mind it, especially Kay and her Husband.

As i mentioned they are kind of separated, may be getting a divorce, and have had a rough patch these last coupe of months. They are working on it, but some days there is doubt in her mind that they can work it out. Apparently that are charmed by me, i guess i was in one of my "charming moods" (damn the curse of a pisces female), i made them laugh and now i seem to be the center of their reunion as a couple. Kay called me over the Break and talked about general stuff, but mentioned how i seemed to come up in conversations a lot between the two of them. I feel like the bridge between troubled waters, but am a little freaked out by my affect on them. They want me to come over for dinner in the near future and i'm like "?".

I have somehow injected them with my infectious neurotic aura, and though i am not comfortable with my personality yet, they seem to be. And i have become the staple in the tearing pieces of their lives. And i have no idea how i feel about it yet. This isn't the first time i have brought opposites, strained, people together. Though mainly it was just friends, but i don't know how i feel about bringing a almost divorced couple together. I mean it's like my big realization, even my brother says that if we weren't siblings he doesn't think we would have hung out in everyday life, but some how, when he's not being crazy, we get along better than most siblings. My mom always jokes that she has no idea where i can from because i'm so different and inject something in to her life that brigthens her life everyday, and i always get the "what am i going to do with you" laugh from my father at the end of all our conversations on the phone.

So for now i'm okay with the prospect of being a conversation piece for a marriage on the rocks. Though the talk about me coming over for dinner alot. As long as that don't invite me to some weird "key" party. I don't want no freaky swingers on my hand, who once again want to steal my virginity and sell it to the highest bidder. Sorry if that is a common theme of mine, guess i'm just afraid of being a crack whore or something.

(sidenote: I am really into to documentary,and HBO does a really good job of putting on good Docs on Sunday. So one night i was prepared to watch a doc on hookers, and the life of a street whore. My brother had seen it, and said it was a good one, my mom even knew i was staying up to watch it. CREEPIST HOUR OF MY WHOLE LIFE. After watching it, i wanted to be a nun, i wanted nothing to do with dirty old men, i went to bed holding my blanket and stuffed animals as if i was that legless hooker on the corner with the knocked out teeth and crack addiction. So if i mention crack whores in entries blame HBO. Scared the hell out of me)

So i don't know, maybe i have brought them together. Even if i'm creeped out by the prospect that i bring people together, when i myself cannot even bring cute Art Boys to me. Damn cute Art Boy, i haven't seen him in a while, which i guess is good makes it easier to get over the crush i had on him. I don't want to be cupid, i don't want to fix up people's relationships. I want hugs and kisses and camping out in the living room watching a marathon of what not to wear without him getting annoyed. No one wants to be cupid, cupid brings love, but gets none in return.

I notice today that the reason i have a bad time with remembering peoples's names is because i associate everyone with a nickname when i meet them. My nicknames used to be "Mickey" because when i get excited about something my voice gets crazy high, which is why i reframe from yelling, it could be deadly( I would use Mama Bling as a nickname, but i'm afraid i may attract the pimp i saw last month =) ). I realized this walking down the street and i saw a boy i thought was cute last year, his nickname is Paint By Numbers guy. Because he is like a 100x hotter version of the paint by numbers dude from the 80's they have the same hair, i swear. Other nicknames i have used for people in the past

Jersey
Boston
Girl with the Tude
Red Headed Mun chi chi
Waldo
Dances with Wolves
Terminator
Pinky Boy
Ponce De leon
Kid with Tight Pants
French Toast
Girl with a Big Earring
...and others

It's not that i don't want to call them by their first name, it's just easier. I would give Art boys name, but it's so embarassing that i will spare him it. I mean he has to live with this name for the rest of his life. I tried to make a cool nickname out of his name, but the name is so blah...i couldn't. I think i know why people want boyfriends, and girlfriends, because they need to be reminded of how attractive they are. They need to be reminded that someone who is not related to you needs you, and loves you, and finds you desirable. I guess that's why i have so many crushes, because in the back of my mind, i figure they will find something about me, worth liking, and take the risk of loving me back.

Damn Art Boy.